Previously on Californication...
- Jesus H. Christ - Hi, daddy!
This is Bill's daughter, Mia. And this is Hank.
- Y... you two know each other? - No!
I am 16, you know.
- What's this? - Hank's new book.
- Are you really 16? - I'm really 16.
This is really good.
It's is not a memoir
It's a written account of my sexual relationship with you
Written by me as a fucking novel!
I know you set him up, stole his book...
And what are you gonna do about it, huh?
I gotta ask.
Since you always tend to write exactly what you know,
what's the fuckin' deal?
You've done some fucked up shit in your time, but...
I didn't think you'd do that.
You have to love him for who he is, not his potential.
- Drive the car! - Karen!
- You're saying we must move back to New York together? - Well, soon. Yeah. OK?
Look what the cat dragged in.
What brings you to these fair parts?
I'm doing a little signing- reading in Venice.
I want you guys to come!
Paul Rider, Mia's manager.
Quite the literary scandal we have here.
- Why would you tell him? - Because I'm in love with him.
- Think about Karen and think about Becca. - It doesn't have to be this way.
- Stop! - You're fucked, Moody.
- I need to tell you something. - Okay.
www.addic7ed.com presents
Californication s04e01 preair 'Exile On Main St.'
Special thanks to www.subsfactory.it and the Moodies Team.
- Home, Skips. - Hey, are you hungry?
You must be starved! You know what? Come on, come on. We'll go get something to eat.
- Grand slam breakfast, my treat. - I gotta get home.
I gotta face the music at some point.
What?
- What? - What's that look?
What look?
That shifty, somewhat cunty look of yours.
I can't take you home, Palomino. - And why is that, Charlie?
I've been instructed not to.
- By Karen? - And Marcy.
She told me she would kick my pale, pockmarked ass if I brought you home by now
And I believe that crazy little bitch too.
Get this.
We're splittin' the sheets.
She signed the papers.
She totally broke my heart.
I really thought we were gonna work it out.
- I guess not... - Charlie!
What am I gonna do now?
- Charlie! - Yeah?
I just got out of jail.
You're right, I'm sorry. You win. You've got it way worse right now.
Get in the car, there's something you should see.
How did it get out so fast?
It's called the interweb, Hank. It's been around for a while now.
Remember how fast my masturbation video spread?
That was unnerving.
That was funny 'cause it was you
- Yeah - Not me
Some story, huh?
Yeah. To tell you the truth,
I never thought he was much of a writer.
But now the guy is my fuckin' hero!
I mean, he hit that shit, right?
What I wouldn't give for a taste of that sweet peach.
- All right, peace. - Yeah, okay...
There you go! Another satisfied customer.
I'm gonna ask you a question, Runkle,
and how you answer will determine whether or not I put this cigarette up your asshole.
Will you take me the fuck home?
Home it is, my good man.
You're a useless fuck, you know that?
The man threatened physical violence, Marcy.
- So did I, you stupid mutt. - You can't hurt me anymore, you know.
You already torn my fuckin' heart out.
Go away, Hank. I'm not gonna let you in.
I get it, Marce. You're *** *** the gatekeeper, but this is my home.
- It's my family. - Is it true?
The man was framed.
Yes it's true, but it's also hugely complicated.
I believe you.
I do. But still, it's preatty fucking grotty.
You'll get no argument from me.
Now, what's the move?
Are you gonna step aside or am I gonna have to pick you up and move you aside like the gorgeous little garden gnome that you are?
Get the fuck out of here, Hank, before Becca comes home. Okay?
I would like to see her. How is she?
Oh, she's great. She's fantastic. I can't keep her off the computer, though,
'cause she doesn't believe a word of it.
She thinks you were set up.
Do you wanna take that away from her?
Do you wanna have to look her in the eye and tell her that you put your DICK
in a girl that's the same age that she is right now?
'Cause if you do, stick around.
- Fuck you! - Wha--
Well, call me Mr. Brightside, but I think we're making some serious progress here.
She wanted you to have a change of clothes, that was very thoughtful of her.
So, the arraignment is tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, I'll do what I can to play down the assault and battery.
Do you have any questions?
Yes.
- Do you mind if I smoke? - Sure do.
Hank.
- Hank! - Is there something I should know here?
- Such as? - Is he retarded?
He's actually quite a good guy once you get to know him. He's very pleasant.
- Very agreeable. - Good to know.
Because on paper he looks like a total piece of shit.
Abby here is the best there is at defending the unjustly accused.
Hey, hey, remember that poor guy who kept shoving his penis to the Laker girls?
She totally got him off.
Impressive.
So what was it you wanted to do, Abby? You know, before.
Ok, I'll play.
Before what?
Before you sold out and went to law school.
Up top
- Cute. - Can't help, but the guy's cute.
He's also a three-time loser.
Now you're just name-calling.
It says that you were arrested for assaulting a...
a filmmaker named Todd Carl.
A shitty filmmaker named Todd Carl. Does it say shitty there? Cause it should!
The charges were dropped at Mr. Carl's request,
shortly thereafter an altercation with an LAPD officer.
Got off *** probation How'd you manage that one?
Really?
He just had a vasectomy.
Point being?
The cop nightsticked him in the balls.
- Big misunderstanding. - Oh, yeah? tell that to my balls!
I still got a touch of the epididimitis.
Whenever it flares up, I gotta soak my pouch in 4 inches of tepid bath water.
Talk about a party.
You know what?
This is a big fucking waste of my time
Good luck to you, Mr. Moody.
- Apologise, you idiot. - Ok, look...
I'm sorry...
...that I talked about my balls.
My big, beautiful balls. That was inappropriate.
No, no, I get it, I get it how serious this all is, you know, and I don't wanna waste your time.
- Really? - Yes.
I trust you to do whatever voodoo it is that you do...
...do for me.
So I'm gonna-- I put myself in your hands.
I'm putty for you.
I'll tumble for ya. I'll do wwhatever it takes.
Start with a shower.
You smell like you just walked out of a fisting contest.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Don't be late.
She's good! She totally nailed it.
The prodigal son returns.
- Doesn't it make you wanna pleasure yourself just a little bit? - I won't lie,
- It is slight tumescent. - What are we doing here?
All will be revealed in good time, my friend.
Meanwhile, I got to drain the hog.
Oh, come on, we all know that thing is thin, bent and uncircumsized. Don't bullshit me.
Jesus Christ, how many times I gotta tell you, I'm not uncircumsized.
The mohel just left a little too much foreskin. That's all. A smidge, just a smidge.
Ha ha. So it's, like, circled halfway?
Hey.
Here. You happy?
Very much so, thanks.
I'm not going to sleep with you.
All right.
- You're not really my type, anyway. - Oh, really?
Yeah, I like 'em older. And hadicapped. Excuse me, handicapable.
Well, now I'm definitely for sure not sleeping with you.
- Hank. - Mia.
Ok. You win, lady, you're officially creeping me out.
- What-- what-- what... - Sorry, professional hazard.
- What do you do? - Hello hello!
I see you two have already met.
No, he introduced herself to me as Mia and totally bummed me out.
Charlie Runkle, I'm so pleased to meet you. Huge fan.
My guy Friday. Smooth, real smooth.
Hank Moody, Sasha Bingham.
Sasha Bingham, all right. What is that you do, Sasha?
He's a kidder, this one. He's a kidder. He's kidding.
Guys, ladies.
She's a fucking movie star, you nudnik.
- How am I supposed to know that? - Open your eyes!
- I've been in jail, Charlie. - Look!
- I've been in jail. - You've been in jail for 72 hours, Hank.
- A lot can happen in a weekend. - Just come with me.
Come with me.
Look, when I was in Junior high I saw Fast Times.
Fast Times, great fucking movie.
- Christ, Runkle, settle down. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Continue, please. - Thank you, Roger Ebert.
So, anyway, Phoebe Cates took off her top and it changed my life.
Which is why I wanna take Fucking and Punching
and give my inner 12-year-old the movie he fucking deserves.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Im a big fan of gratuitous nudity.
Forget it. Sasha Bingham is America's sweetheart, the girl next door.
- She's not doing any gratuitous nudity. - Nudity?
I don't give a fuck about the nudity.
- I have great tits. - Great tits!
And if I'm ever gonna show them on screen, now's the time.
Now is the time!
You know, a lot of actresses say that, and then you get to the---
Holy shit.
- There. - Sweet Lord.
- You happy? - I'm having heart palpitations.
You know, Runks? I'm glad I came.
I'm glad you came too.
What I care about is the script,
because right now it's a fucking mess.
- Agreed. it needs some work. - A lot of work.
I mean the only reason why I'm even considering this
is because of how much I love the book.
Cheers! Not only this lady has bodacious tatas,
She also has splendiferous taste in literature.
That she does.
And considering that you actually wrote the book that I love,
how about you rewrite the script that I loathe?
Ouch! No, no, no. My adventures in the screen trade
have been about as much fun as forced anal.
Not that forced anal can't be fun.
- You're a fantastic writer, Hank. - You know what? I like where this is going.
I'm not immune to kind words, especially when they are so true.
Please, continue.
For what is worth,
Hank, I wanted you to adapt the book
back when I first optioned it,
- And I was disappointed when you passed. - I passed?
- Yeah. - I did?
No, I don't remember getting that offer.
I passed, on your behalf.
- Thought it'd be too weird for you. - And you wonder why my career
- is in such disrepair. - I never wonder about that.
Call me a scumbag, but there is a real moment right here.
With Sascha's interest
and with Hank's face all over the news right now,
we could be at Sundance this time next year.
- Woo-hoo! - Let me handle this.
Well you then handle it, motherfucker.
- In process. I'm in process. - Ok.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise, I've already said too much.
I just got out of jail and I haven't slept, eaten or-
pardon me, my lady, taken a decent crap in days.
Huh... except this coffee does... does seem to be working.
Yes, indeed. It is time to release the Kraken!
All right. I wanna thank each and everyone of you. Especially you, Sasha Bingham.
You say you have great tits and I most certainly concur, but
that ass of yours is no slouch either.
I want this movie.
Oh, we want you to want this movie.
What was the question?
I'm sorry, I'm incredibly high right now.
Look, I have a window and I want this to be my next thing,
but the script has to be right.
and the man dropping the deuces here has the best shot of getting it there.
So, if not, there is always CAA.
I'm in town for a few days, I'll let you guys know where to find me.
"When the student is ready, the master appears."
Is that a quote? I don't know what that means.
Well, it would appear that I have something that you want.
I'm sorry. Something that you need.
Ok. I'll play this game. What is it you want, Runkle?
How can we help you help your client?
See? that's what I love. What I miss. Being part of a team.
Helping wildly talented people achieve their wildest dreams.
Having an expense account, a car allowance...
a young nubile assistant to fetch me my caramel macchiato.
Done.
You convince your client to take this job,
make sure he doesn't shit the bed,
and you can have your old job back. Happy?
Oh, just one little thing.
Try keeping your fucking dick in your pants this time.
Or I will rip it off with my bare hands. I promise.
This one's on me.
Oh, thank you.
Drinks on the house.
How do you do it?
It's an old Jedi mind trick.
I can't believe I never asked you this before, but...
How many?
How many. How many?
How many broads have you balled?
Broads?
Balled?
- Who are you right now? - Ok, fine.
How many women to whom have you made the Love?
You don't wanna know that kind of shit. You don't want that information
raveling around in your head, making you feel effeminate, emasculated and shit.
Sure I do.
Trust me. Some things are better left to your limited imagination.
Wanna know how many women I've slept with?
No. No, no, no.
- I'm sure you do. - All this talk about sleeping with women...
...is making me sleepy.
One... eleven.
- Eleven. - Eleven!
Well, it's double digits, sounds good.
Perfectly respectable number for a cock of your caliber.
And it reminds me of spinal taps. Cheers!
I gotta get it up to 100.
Triple digits. Then I can die happy.
Hmm. You may have to criogenically freeze your cock and attach it to Brad Pitt to get there, buddy boy.
You don't think I can do it?
No I don't. And I don't think it matters.
Eleven women. Who's your favourite?
Marcy.
You see that? You had the magic puss and you lost it.
You think that boning 89 more broads is gonna make you feel any better about that?
It would certainly be a start.
Do you think... do you think that lady lawyer was...
- Do you think she was right? - About what?
She called me 'piece of shit'.
On paper. She said you're a piece of shit on paper.
Still.
You're not a piece of shit, Hank. Paper or otherwise.
You may be my worst client, but...
you've always been my best friend and me love you very long time.
I refuse to be number twelve, Charlie.
Oh, I wasn't counting the guys.
Hey, can I crash with you guys tonight?
You think Marcy would mind if I take the master?
- Can't do it, Hank. - Ok, I'll flip ya for it.
No... What?
The cunty look. Stop!
- Put your face back. - You got another meeting.
No
You'll be meetin' and greetin'.
Fuck you, Charlie. I'm not doing this.
- I told her you would. - Well, that's your problem.
I just want to go the fuck home.
You don't got one. You're homeless, get used to it.
Then I wanna go to your place.
My place? My place is in fucking escrow!
I'm living on borrowed time, in a house that don't even belongs to me.
with a woman that don't want to have anything to do with me!
You're not the only exiled on Main Street, Hank.
Whatever, I 'll settle for a decent night's sleep at this point.
Or maybe your newest bestest friend will let you crash.
Bullshit. I have, like, zero interest in chasing her right now.
That's fine. Totally understandable. But you should have interest in chasing this job.
You always talk a big game about doing the good work
and fighting the good fights, well, here's your chance!
Stop feeling so fuckin' sorry for yourself and get in there and...
Hey, are we sure this is just about rewrting my history, not yours?
So what if it is?
You think I wouldn't jump at the chance to get back some version of what I lost?
You don't think I deserve that?
Fine.
I'll give it a shot.
- I knew you would. - Asshole.
Attaboy, douchebag. I'm proud of ya.
Hi
Come on in
When you said you had some notes, you really had some fucking notes.
Did I make sense?
They will, eventually, when I get around to reading the script.
I think we're pretty much on the same page. Or pages... pages and pages...
You look tired.
Yeah. It's been a long life.
Go home.
I would if I could, but I ain't got none.
I'm homeless.
You're pretty handsome for a homeless fellow
I don't know about that.
But I do have great tits!
Well, you can crash here if you want. As you can see there's plenty of room. Too much, actually.
That is... That's pretty tempting.
As it should be.
You have a beautiful bed
Don't worry, I'll be the perfect gentleman.
I've been here before.
Come on.
So, one more question about the characters.
Shoot.
What does Mia want?
Mia wants what all girls want.
a guy just gay enought to curl up and watch Project Runway.
And what does Hank want?
Hank...
wants to close his eyes and wake up in his own bed
next to the love of his life
listening to the sweet *** sound of her daughter's heavy metal guitar
coming from the bedroom next.
You really love them, don't you?
So much that the words themeselves sound unspeakably lame.
God, that's hot.
Liar.
Another hazard of the profession.
Besides, you know what they say.
No, I don't know what they say.
- If you can't be with the ones you love... - Stop, stop.
Again, the unspeakably lame.
I know.
That's why I need a writer.
What was it like?
Was what like?
The punch.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Why not give it a shot?
Really?
Yeah.
Come on.
You're like a girl, Jesus Christ.
That was a punch, darling, not a slap.
All right.
Harder.
Harder?
- Harder. - All right.
Harder.
Hank Moody and Mia Lewis had The Sex!
Pilates. Thanks for the F&P.
Jesus!
Holster that thing, would ya?
Nice cock, by the way. Very manly.
This whole thing?
What are you still doing here, Runks?
Number twelve.
The waitress last night at the bar.
- Totally out of my league. - Totally.
- Oh the Runks! Number 12! - Thank you.
No time to celebrate, though. You're late for your arraignment.
Fuck me.
- Thank you, Skeeves. - Go get 'em.
My lady lawyer! Look who's here.
Jesus.
What?
- What's up with your face? - That's kind of a life imitating art, imitating art...
Fair enough, I don't wanna know.
Good call, best not to know. Should we do this?
No need, they're dropping the assault charges.
Thanks.
- Thank you, thank you.. - That's the good news.
Yeah?
Hank Moody?
- Guilty! - Don't say that.
We have a warrant for your arrest.
Jesus... fuck. What now?
Well, like I said, the DA's office moved to drop the assault charges. That's the good news.
What's the bad news?
You're being charged with statutory rape.
This way.
Wha-- wha-- what happend?
Well, your friend just became hell of a lot more interesting.
Wha--
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