Previously on Californication...
The D.A.'s office is willing to drop the assault charges.
That's the good news.
What's the bad news?
You're being charged with statutory rape.
Yeah, you should probably consider a little "manscaping."
- You're way hairy. - Really?
Ah.
Aah!
- I'm late. - Bingo.
Come on, let's go get you a pregnancy test.
Fuck, the rabbit done died.
I met the wife.
Yeah, soon-to-be ex. Splitsville.
So you wouldn't mind if I took a crack at her?
Considering that you actually wrote the book that I love,
how about you rewrite the script that I loathe?
And Sasha Bingham will star?
Yes, she's reading as we speak.
- What about Eddie Nero? - So is there a script?
Fuck, no.
- But he's getting close. - Ish.
With Sasha's interest
and with Hank's face all over the news right now,
we could be at Sundance this time next year.
The prosecution has a lame case,
and they know it too.
Have you met my attorney?
You should probably stay far away
from the Mias and the Sashas of the world right now.
Hey, check it out.
It should be pretty cut and dry.
You plead guilty to unlawful sexual conduct.
The statutory rape charge goes away.
Discretion, counselor...
It being the better part of valor and whatnot.
In any case...
You're looking at a $1,000 fine,
18 months summary probation.
Uh, the only thing left to hammer out
is the nature and duration of your community service.
Done. Where do I sign?
But instead of doing community service,
can I do a P.S.A.?
Hi, I'm Hank Moody.
Don't fuck teenagers.
And can I borrow a thousand bucks?
Kidding... About the P.S.A.
I'll be damned.
I think I'm actually seeing
some of that Hank Moody mojo up close and personal.
Is my dong out?
You should probably card her just to be safe.
You are on fire.
Hi, excuse me.
Do we know each other?
Sorry, you're, uh, kind of famous.
That's right. I am kind of famous.
It's good to see that the young kids are still reading.
Last time I checked, my shit wasn't Kindle-worthy.
- Ow! - Sorry.
Dick.
Don't open it. No, no.
- Let me... God. - Fuck you.
She's right. You are a dick.
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Nice work, asshole. Deal's off.
What? No fair. Indian giver.
As you know, the D.A. is running for governor.
And voters just don't take kindly
to public officials who go soft on child molesters.
But nothing happened.
The young ladies in question were just screwing around,
and I put a stop to that shit.
I can't help it if some cock-tard in a fedora
takes a picture at the exact wrong moment.
It doesn't matter.
It looks like something happened.
It looks like you're out there thumbing your nose
at the state of California.
Okay, I get it.
Duly noted... must stop thumbing nose.
All right?
So what do we do now? What's... what's the move?
- You look for a new attorney. - What?
I should've gone with my gut on this one.
What are you saying, you're quitting?
In a word, abso-fucking-lutely.
I'm dropping the case,
leaving the opportunity for you to find an attorney
who suits your particular personality.
You can't do that. Can you?
Hank, I have never had a client
who makes it this difficult for me to do my job.
You should talk to my agent.
I will. I'll call him, and I'll recommend someone new.
Quitter.
Good luck to you, Hank.
I wish I could say it was nice knowing you,
but that would be a big, fat lie,
because you have been an enormous pain in my ass.
Normally I would have
an incredibly childish retort to that,
but I'm not going to.
I'm gonna take the high road.
You have a great ass.
And the thought that I have brought it any pain
brings me pain.
All I want to do is bring your ass pleasure.
That's how highly I regard it.
And there it goes, Abby's fantastic ass.
Fare thee well. Take care.
We'll always have Century City.
I'm fucked.
Go the fuck away.
I don't want any more fucking chocolates.
It's you.
- What do you want? - Settle down, grumpy.
Can I come in?
Haven't you caused me enough trouble?
This is my fault?
Well, seeing as I'm in no mood to blame myself,
yes, yes, it is.
Come on in.
You live like a fucking animal.
Which is exactly why it would never work out between us.
Well, that and the fact that you're old enough
to be my grandfather.
Oh, fuck, are you trying to make me kill myself?
So I have some good news and some bad news.
Which would you prefer?
Do it whatever way you want,
fucking diva.
I'm dropping out.
Of high school?
The movie.
Oh, that.
All right, I will... I will write you
that big Oscar speech that you wanted at the end.
- No, no, it's not that. - Okay, you got it.
This is a lot of bad press for me.
And while a scandal can be a good thing,
this whole thing is getting a little unsavory.
Hmm.
Okay, so no movie.
Movie, no.
What's the good news?
The good news is that I still want to have sex with you,
at least once more,
if not twice.
That's the good news?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my.
You know, that is pretty good news.
Maybe a little something for the pain.
Shit.
Put your shirt back on.
Could be the law.
Just as I suspected, the law.
Karen, come on in.
Hey.
Karen, I'd like you to meet Sasha Bingham.
They tell me she's a big movie star.
Personally, I don't see it.
Hi, you're so beautiful.
Oh, my God, I totally get it now.
- How'd you fuck this up? - Thank you.
That's helpful. You can go now.
It's nice to meet you, Sasha.
Um, of course, I know exactly who you are,
because I've seen all the photos.
And that's my cue.
Peace.
Wow.
I am disappointed in you, Karen...
Reading all those stupid blogs.
Becca showed me.
Bec... Oh, fuck.
How is she? Is she okay?
Okay?
W-what does that even mean at this point?
Wha... Uh, what do you want from me, Karen?
Look around. Welcome to rock bottom.
I'm living in this shitty, filthy hotel room.
My... my career's in the shitter.
You obviously hate me. Becca hates me.
My attorney dumped me.
Your attorney dumped you?
How does that even happen?
I don't know. She got tired of my shit.
It's a trend.
What the fuck? Whatever.
But wasn't she one of the good ones?
I think so. She seemed good.
She's smart, snappy dresser, nice briefcase.
What the fuck do I know about lawyers?
Did you think to apologize?
I mean, you can really switch the charm on when you want to.
I don't have a switch. The switch is gone.
I can't find the switch.
Can you just...
Apologize to Becca for me
and... and... and tell her that I'll... I'll make it up to her?
You know how you can make it up to her?
You can get your head out of your fucking ass
and get your shit together.
Hank, you're slipping.
You're know, you're really fucking slipping.
I mean, whatever happens between us,
you have always managed to be a decent father.
If you let that go, you're fucked.
You're totally fucked forever.
No, no, no, no, no. This is your shit.
I'm... I'm gone.
You figure it out.
♪ ♪
- Hola. - Hola.
Okay.
Please, you wait.
You got it.
Oh, hey, listen.
Um, your boss...
How hairy are we talking here?
Pardon?
It's just that, uh, I have to get back to the West Side,
and I want to kind of wrap it up before rush hour.
So how hairy is the missus?
Mrs. Hairy?
I no understand, but you no worry.
I put perfect.
Irma, thank you very much.
I will take over from here,
and you always put perfect.
Gracias, señor.
Marcy, we meet again at last.
Stu...
You made the appointment with me?
No, no, Irma booked the appointment
on my behalf.
So you want the full Kardashian?
No, no. God, no.
I would rather explode.
No, when Irma called hot lips,
they said that's what it would take
for you to make a house call.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
Listen, I called. I texted.
And in return, zilch.
So I had to get a little creative.
Unbelievable.
Baby, I'm a producer, so I produce.
What can I say?
Well, you could say sorry, asshole,
because I canceled
a whole afternoon's worth of appointments.
Do you know how much this little stunt of yours
is gonna cost me?
Wait, wait, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...
It's just that I wanted to see you...
So much.
I'll be glad to pay you for your time.
I-I mean, if you would just stay here
and hang out for a while.
I stay, I wax.
Take it or leave it.
Oh.
All right, then.
The full Kardashian it is.
Sasha dropped out.
I know.
Abby too.
I know.
I've brought shame upon my family.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, that's it. It's decided, then.
I'm going out tonight.
Like zig, I'm jerking myself to Jesus.
Good knowing you, Runks.
Sounds like a plan.
But you might want to reconsider.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Guess who's back in the picture.
Hmm?
Someone who can get this thing green-lit
with one magic word.
Come on, come on. Hmm, hmm?
Barack Obama.
Eddie fucking Nero.
Oh, what the fuck does that psycho want?
He says the script is keeping him up nights.
Yeah, he says he can't get the character out of his head.
He wants to hang out with you.
He says he wants to try the role on for size
before he commits, you know?
Experience a night in the life
of the infamous Hank Moody.
I don't think he'd enjoy
watching me go all autoerotic on myself.
Do you?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe you save that for another night.
Maybe, yeah.
It'd be kind of rude to do to housekeeping, don't you think?
Totally rude.
You'd have to leave a pretty big tip
to make up for something like that.
Totally.
You're coming with, right?
Yeah, I don't think Eddie likes me very much.
Oh, I don't think he does either,
but you're coming with, right?
Yeah! Sounds like a party.
That chemically imbalanced freak
better stay the fuck away from my balls.
♪ ♪
Wait, how did you go from waiter to producer?
Robert Evans was a regular,
and he always sat in my section.
And one day he asked me
to be his assistant on Urban Cowboy and...
Get out.
You worked on that movie?
Oh, my God!
That is one of my top ten guilty pleasure flicks
of all time.
I fucking love that shit, Stu.
Really?
Yeah, you don't say.
Okay, look.
You don't have to go through the whole full-body meshugas.
Oh, mercy, Marcy.
Okay, one more. Tighten up.
Oh!
There you go.
- Wow, Urban Cowboy. - Oh...
Yeah.
God, I haven't seen that in, what, decades?
I got to Netflix that shit.
Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, you're in luck.
See, I happen to have a digitally restored
35-millimeter print right here.
I mean... I mean, we could...
We could go watch it in my screening room right now.
Oh, God, I would love to, but I got to get back.
Maybe some other time.
No, no, there's gonna be no other time.
I'm gonna be donating my entire film collection to U.S.C....
Every picture I ever worked on... like, next week.
Why are you doing that?
Well, it's not like I have a family
I can pass it down to.
And I don't know... I guess maybe it's my attempt
to leave some kind of legacy.
You never got married, Stu?
Oh, no, I did...
Three times.
You know, work...
Work is a cruel mistress.
And I mean, she took, and she took,
and she gave nothing back.
You call this nothing?
Well, without a wife and family to share this with,
what's any of this for?
♪ ♪
Let's get this over with.
Where is that fucking Billy Goat?
- Huah! - Ow!
I fucking missed you, Moody.
Ow.
You too, Goldilocks.
Hey, let's do some drinking.
Let's talk some story.
Does she have to be 16?
What are you talking about?
I don't know, is there any value in her being 18
or 19, even?
But that's not illegal.
Yeah, but I'm trying to make the character
a little more likeable,
'cause on the page, he's an asshole.
You understand that you are
kind of talking about me right now?
Okay, could she be younger, like 10 or 11?
That's disgusting.
Pedophiles aren't very likeable either, Eddie.
It's a fine line, isn't it?
Look, I'm not a prude, okay? Not... not by any stretch.
I think you know that about me.
I'm just trying to build
the most three-dimensional character I can.
I need to see you fuck.
Mm-hmm. What? What?
I need to watch you make love to a woman.
No.
What you say, how you touch her,
how you move your hips, how you thrust.
I need to know these things.
Agent, get us some whores.
I think I see a couple over by the bar.
I'll be right back.
No, no, no, you stay right there.
That's it. I'm out. I quit this time.
It's over.
Wait a minute, wait.
Just sit down for a minute here, "Broseph."
Are you an artist or a pretender?
Neither.
I'm a writer.
I think, I type, I drink.
Lather, rinse, repeat, not always in that order.
As far as I'm concerned,
art's just another guy from Brooklyn.
I used to be a pretender.
Now I'm an artist.
Wow, do you get a certificate with that or something?
Yeah, it's called the Motherfucking Academy Award,
and I won mine
for a Michael Mann movie called John.
Great fucking movie.
I have sutures in my scrotum.
I played John, the gay hit man...
H.I.V. Plus.
You know how I prepared for that?
No.
I took a man in my mouth.
That's right.
I played his skin flute like Kenny G,
like Kenny G on ecstasy.
I engineered his orgasm...
My hands,
my mouth,
my tongue.
And then he gave me his gift.
Gave it to me on the inside.
And that's the day I graduated.
That's the day I stopped pretending
and started being,
because until you've savored both sexes,
until you know how to make both of them come like baby gorillas,
you do not know shit from Shinola.
I agree.
I know you do, friend.
I can smell it on you...
The ambivalence.
I think we should kill someone tonight.
I mean, like a hobo or something.
Thank God.
Yes?
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Anything to get me out of where I am right now.
You sit tight. I'll be right over.
That's my kid. I got to jet.
Nice talking to you, cocksucker.
Hey, hey, I completely understand.
That's what being a parent's all about.
Listen, when my nanny calls with a problem,
my assistant takes that call no matter what.
Look, I'll go with you.
- Uh-uh. - Come on!
- No. - Let's go!
Dark and deep!
♪ ♪
So I'm thinking Japanese.
Say it ain't so, short round.
Hey, she's 100 bucks short.
I didn't want to call the cops.
Appreciate it. Let me see.
Oh.
I'm not paying for that, sweetie.
I thought you said he'd be cool with this.
I thought he would.
- I need the money, dad. - Yeah? Get a job.
Okay, guess I'm calling the fucking cops.
Nobody's calling the fucking cops!
- Whoa! - What the fuck are you doing?
Oh, yeah, I knew it was gonna get dark tonight.
Yeah, sometimes you can just feel it.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna back up slowly and get the fuck out.
I got your back, rapist.
You can't afford any more trouble with the police.
Hey, isn't that Eddie Nero?
Holy shit, that's Eddie Nero.
Holy shit, you're right.
You guys fans?
It is Eddie Nero.
Aah! Ow!
God damn it!
Hank, the movie!
Agent, pay him.
You fucked up my face. You fucked up the moneymaker.
Okay, okay.
Queens of Dogtown...
Here we go. Should be a hundred there.
Now, listen, while we're here,
I'd like to get your professional opinion.
Could you do something cool with this?
- No, whoa! - What? What?
Get this fucking guy out of my shop.
What? What? Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
- I'm Karen. - Abby. Nice to meet you.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you so much for, um... for seeing me.
Oh, my pleasure.
Uh, to be perfectly clear,
I am no longer representing Mr. Moody.
I know. That's why I'm here.
Um...
I want to try to convince you to give him a second chance.
Why?
Because I've given him too many already,
and it's someone else's turn.
He is an absolute mess, Karen.
I know.
Believe me, I have 16 years' experience in the field.
To be honest, I-I-I've never seen anything like it.
I-I don't think I can help him.
I don't think he even wants to be helped.
I think he wants to be punished.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
You're smart.
That's why he needs you.
I don't mean to be rude, but I-I have to ask.
How in the hell did you put up with this
for as long as you did?
That's a good question. That's a very good question.
I don't even know if I have an answer.
Um...
I think the world sees Hank
as this fabulous fuck-up.
And, um, I know that guy.
I've spent a lot of time with that guy.
But I am better acquainted with the other guy...
The one that listens and hears everything,
the one that looks at you and sees right into your soul,
the one that makes you believe in every fucking fairy tale
that you've ever been told.
Ultimately, I may not even be the woman
who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be,
but I still want the best for him,
because I want the best for my daughter.
I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to lay all this on you.
I-it's okay. I appreciate your candor, I do.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
So I'm the guy you call
when you think your mother's gonna have a shit fit?
Otherwise you don't want to have anything to do with me?
I just thought you'd understand.
You have tattoos.
- Mom has tattoos. - That's not the point.
What is the point, then?
These are my friends. They wanted me to do it.
Yeah, and if your friends wanted you to do drugs,
would you do that?
Of course I would.
Wouldn't you?
A little bit of hypocrisy is fine, dad,
but I'm the normal one here.
I'm supposed to be out getting fucked up with my friends.
You're supposed to be home watching TV with mom.
Instead you're out there fucking teenagers
and prancing around like a poor man's Bukowski.
I'm sorry I called you.
Hey, hey.
Take it easy on your old man, okay?
He's as cool as they come.
Really?
Yeah, that's why I'm gonna play him in a movie.
Really?
You already said that.
You know who should play you?
K-stew.
I should give her a call.
- I should fucking hit you. - Yeah, take a shot.
I'll hit you right back, you fucking nutter.
I said I should. I didn't say I was gonna.
But I am gonna do your movie.
Why?
Because now I know what it's about.
And it sure the fuck isn't about warm, wet pussy.
It's about a guy trying to keep it together
while falling apart.
It's about life, love, sex,
and the ever-lurking presence of the grim fucking reaper.
It's about men...
Husbands, wives...
Daughters, and fathers.
It's Cassavetes meets Judy Blume!
It's about the motherfucking dark side.
You and the motherfucking dark side.
Come here.
Come on.
Come here, pussy fart.
Get in on this.
Whoa. Yeah, hell.
Some got to win, and some got to lose there, yep.
If the bull don't kill him, the clowns will.
Whoa.
What's all this, then, Stu?
I'm making my move.
- Seriously? - This is it.
That's your move,
the old "fake yawn, surreptitious grope" combo?
- It's a classic. - It's a clam, Stu.
The next thing I know,
you're gonna be sticking your dick
up through the bottom of that tub of popcorn,
diner style.
Would that have worked?
Wouldn't you like to know, Stu?
Actually, I would.
I have to be honest with you, Marcy.
I suck with women.
Ask my first three wives.
But I like you,
and, um, thanks for hanging out.
And it's been a wonderful day.
Aw, sweet.
Oh, okay.
You're mean.
Why do you say that?
You fire me in the morning, then you strut your stuff
in my neck of the woods in the evening...
Cruel and unusual, counselor.
Life goes on, Hank.
So it does.
I'm sorry, by the way.
For what?
I know I can be a world-class stone in your shoe.
I make life pretty fucking impossible for those around me.
It's an issue. I'm working on it, whatever.
Tomorrow's another day.
Have fun on your "date."
Who says I'm on a date?
Maybe I came here to see you.
Really? Why?
Maybe I was a little rash this morning.
I-I get it. I bring it out in people...
Rashes and whatnot.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Depends what you think I'm saying.
That you're my lawyer again.
Maybe.
Tomorrow's another day.
Tomorrow?
Yeah, there's not a lot of legal work
I can do for you tonight.
Right, so... so... so technically,
you're not my lawyer right now?
Technically, uh, no, I'm not.
Right now I'm just a girl in a bar.
Hmm, that's funny,
'cause right now I'm just a guy in a bar.
That is funny.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Hank Moody.
- Abby. - Abby?
- Mm-hmm. - Abby.
Well, nice to meet you.
♪ ♪
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