1
00:00:00,381 --> 00:00:02,652
Previously on Californication...
2
00:00:02,653 --> 00:00:04,667
If you were gonna have
sex with someone
3
00:00:04,668 --> 00:00:09,036
and you knew that it would be
the absolute last time,
4
00:00:09,037 --> 00:00:12,580
- what do you think it would be like?
- Incredibly sad.
5
00:00:12,581 --> 00:00:14,291
Make me sad.
6
00:00:14,292 --> 00:00:16,003
Who the fuck are you?
7
00:00:16,004 --> 00:00:17,911
Stu Baggs, nice to meet you.
8
00:00:17,912 --> 00:00:20,899
- I met the wife.
- Soon, to be ex. Splitsville.
9
00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,120
So you wouldn't mind if
I took a crack at her?
10
00:00:23,876 --> 00:00:25,631
- You know how many women I slept with?
- Unh-uh
11
00:00:25,632 --> 00:00:28,352
I gotta get it up to a 100.
12
00:00:28,353 --> 00:00:31,161
Triple digits.
Then I can die happy.
13
00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:33,609
- I'm pregnant.
- I'm gonna be a father!
14
00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:35,376
I'm carrying Charlie's baby.
15
00:00:35,377 --> 00:00:37,180
- What?
- What the fuck?
16
00:00:37,181 --> 00:00:40,392
You know what I think, Dad?
I think it's all gonna be okay.
17
00:00:40,393 --> 00:00:43,671
Chapters end.
Sometimes you gotta shake things up.
18
00:00:43,672 --> 00:00:47,020
Check out of this dump.
Go home.
19
00:00:51,505 --> 00:00:56,162
Season 5 Episode 01
JFK to LAX
20
00:00:57,739 --> 00:01:01,626
Sync & corrections by honeybunny & lada18
www.addic7ed.com
21
00:01:03,725 --> 00:01:05,441
Amazing.
22
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,049
A goddess.
23
00:01:10,232 --> 00:01:12,513
A gift from on high.
24
00:01:13,328 --> 00:01:18,603
You deserve the white dress
and a happy ending.
25
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:28,891
Are we gonna take this thing
to the next level or what?
26
00:01:28,892 --> 00:01:30,604
Uh? What?
27
00:01:30,605 --> 00:01:32,803
- We are coming up on the Internet.
- Really?
28
00:01:32,804 --> 00:01:37,324
- Time certainly doth fly.
- We kept it pretty cas.
29
00:01:37,325 --> 00:01:41,851
I've been pretty careful about making sure
I don't make any demands on your time.
30
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:44,329
- I Don't want to be that girl.
- Oh you've been a great "not-that-girl".
31
00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:49,215
I just want to know what you
see us becoming... eventually.
32
00:01:52,163 --> 00:01:56,937
I see us becoming incredibly close.
33
00:01:56,938 --> 00:02:00,193
Great friends... eventually.
34
00:02:00,194 --> 00:02:03,457
After the part where you hate
my guts for a long, cold winter.
35
00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:07,538
It's not that I'm not fond of you.
I am. Inordinately so.
36
00:02:07,539 --> 00:02:11,354
It's just that I enjoy the casual
nature of things. I'm a casual guy.
37
00:02:11,355 --> 00:02:13,329
You know, I have to be
because I'm damaged,
38
00:02:13,330 --> 00:02:17,114
broken, really. You know,
old dog, new tricks.
39
00:02:17,115 --> 00:02:21,262
But you - you're amazing. A goddess.
A gift from on high.
40
00:02:21,263 --> 00:02:23,314
You deserve the white dress
and the happy ending.
41
00:02:23,315 --> 00:02:25,050
I'm just not the guy
to give it to you.
42
00:02:25,051 --> 00:02:27,930
I see you're mad.
I can tell.
43
00:02:27,931 --> 00:02:29,497
I'm not mad.
44
00:02:29,498 --> 00:02:31,889
You're not?
Oh, I'm glad.
45
00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:35,698
It's just you fucked me
in the ass, Hank.
46
00:02:35,699 --> 00:02:37,538
Oh, are we speaking metaphorically?
Because ...
47
00:02:37,539 --> 00:02:40,658
No, I gave up the butt for you.
Do you think I would have let you
48
00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:43,185
sodomize me if I didn't
think there was a future here?
49
00:02:43,186 --> 00:02:45,664
You did say that you liked it
more than you thought you would.
50
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,741
- Well that's not the point.
- That's not the point.
51
00:02:49,232 --> 00:02:50,719
This man's a monster.
52
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,451
He likes to fuck women in the ass
53
00:02:53,452 --> 00:02:56,704
and then tell them that he just
wants to keep it casual.
54
00:03:16,289 --> 00:03:18,152
Who callin' my phone?
55
00:03:18,153 --> 00:03:19,912
It's yo agent.
56
00:03:19,913 --> 00:03:23,895
Calling from the coast with the
prospect of a significant payday.
57
00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:27,087
- I'll take it.
- Don't you wanna know what it is?
58
00:03:27,088 --> 00:03:31,656
No. Can you book me out on the nextest
flight to this coast of which you speak?
59
00:03:31,657 --> 00:03:34,348
Oh-oh. What happened?
What did you do?
60
00:03:34,349 --> 00:03:37,244
I've got kind of a bunny
boiler situation happening.
61
00:03:37,245 --> 00:03:39,531
She's got a key to my place.
62
00:03:39,532 --> 00:03:42,640
I may need to crash on the villa
for a few days. Is that cool?
63
00:03:42,641 --> 00:03:45,471
Hey, mi casa, amigo. I'll even
pick you up at the airport.
64
00:03:45,472 --> 00:03:47,604
Thanks, Runks.
Much appresh.
65
00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:50,572
I'm looking forward to it buddy.
I've missed yo' black ass.
66
00:03:50,573 --> 00:03:52,644
Later, masturbator.
67
00:04:21,516 --> 00:04:24,899
Oh shit. Did I just do
what I think I just did?
68
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,311
Yes.
69
00:04:26,312 --> 00:04:29,296
- You did.
- I am so truly madly deeply sorry.
70
00:04:29,297 --> 00:04:33,492
I know and that doesn't change the
fact that I now have a puddle in my lap.
71
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,688
One could argue that it's not entirely
my fault that you force grown men
72
00:04:37,689 --> 00:04:40,808
to make huge puddles in your lap.
73
00:04:40,809 --> 00:04:43,027
- I'm not laughing.
- Sure you are.
74
00:04:43,028 --> 00:04:46,224
Little bit?
On the inside, maybe?
75
00:04:46,225 --> 00:04:48,944
Okay I have it, thanks.
76
00:04:48,945 --> 00:04:51,947
- Man, what are the odds?
- Of what?
77
00:04:51,948 --> 00:04:54,712
Usually, I get on the plane and
I'm seated next to John Candy
78
00:04:54,713 --> 00:04:57,632
or Ruth Gordon, if I'm lucky.
79
00:04:57,633 --> 00:05:00,640
But I end up next to the most beautiful
woman in the tri-state area,
80
00:05:00,641 --> 00:05:02,807
and I go and spill a drink in her lap.
81
00:05:02,808 --> 00:05:08,007
Nice work, huh?
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
82
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,877
The tri-state area?
83
00:05:09,878 --> 00:05:12,958
You're world class,
you're runway caliber.
84
00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:17,006
You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.
I just didn't want it to go into your head. Hank.
85
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:20,221
2A.
That's me, sorry.
86
00:05:20,222 --> 00:05:22,427
Well you better be, pal.
87
00:05:23,438 --> 00:05:26,574
- Oh God. I'm sorry.
- No no no, hold on... hold on a second.
88
00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:28,654
Can't you just take her seat?
89
00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:33,035
If the ticket says 2A, then 2A
is where I'm parking my posterior.
90
00:05:34,315 --> 00:05:36,554
Real stickler for the rules, this guy.
91
00:05:36,555 --> 00:05:39,031
That's how we keep the
trains running on time. Choo choo.
92
00:05:40,478 --> 00:05:43,981
- Nice to meet you, Hank.
- Bye, Miss never got your name.
93
00:05:43,982 --> 00:05:45,891
Excuse me.
94
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,144
Sorry.
95
00:05:56,604 --> 00:05:59,072
I have got to get this under control.
96
00:05:59,073 --> 00:06:01,364
I'm almost too fat to fly.
97
00:06:04,288 --> 00:06:06,936
- Want some?
- No, I'm good.
98
00:06:07,888 --> 00:06:09,919
Sorry, sorry.
99
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,264
- Go ahead before I shit myself.
- Excuse me?
100
00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:15,168
Go, go sit with your wife.
101
00:06:15,169 --> 00:06:18,176
She guilted me into swapping with you.
102
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:20,516
Enjoy the fucking honeymoon.
103
00:06:23,697 --> 00:06:26,136
It's almost like the pursuit
of this one woman,
104
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:29,767
this one relationship became
its own form of heroin.
105
00:06:29,768 --> 00:06:30,979
I was strung out.
106
00:06:31,135 --> 00:06:35,495
You know, I was driving her
crazy making my kid miserable.
107
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:38,196
When you finally give up and let go,
good stuff starts to happen.
108
00:06:38,282 --> 00:06:41,431
She's better now.
My kid's fantastic.
109
00:06:41,432 --> 00:06:43,845
I'm keeping it simple.
110
00:06:44,952 --> 00:06:47,959
Such a sad sweet tale of woe.
111
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,496
I'm surprised you made it
through the whole thing.
112
00:06:49,497 --> 00:06:52,781
I thought I might try to hang
yourself there at some point.
113
00:06:52,782 --> 00:06:54,524
You know I actually
did think about it,
114
00:06:54,525 --> 00:06:58,656
but I figured, you know, that'd kind of rude
since you were pouring your heart out and all.
115
00:06:58,657 --> 00:07:00,778
- I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
116
00:07:00,779 --> 00:07:03,238
But you know, this has been nice to
117
00:07:03,239 --> 00:07:07,096
actually have a conversation with someone
who isn't trying to get in my pants.
118
00:07:07,097 --> 00:07:11,052
You mean my epic love story for the ages
isn't pure panty-peeler?
119
00:07:13,187 --> 00:07:16,355
Okay. Excuse me, I'm gonna go
to the little girls' room.
120
00:07:16,356 --> 00:07:19,437
Well, if you don't want me to try
to get in your pants don't talk dirty to me.
121
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:23,027
You know I really hope that
no one comes in on me.
122
00:07:24,013 --> 00:07:27,197
- Lock the door.
- See, that's the thing.
123
00:07:28,141 --> 00:07:30,115
I always forget.
124
00:08:04,223 --> 00:08:05,953
What the fuck do you
think you're doing?
125
00:08:05,954 --> 00:08:07,958
I'm sorry, I thought you...
126
00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,383
I'm just kidding.
127
00:08:11,109 --> 00:08:13,229
I thought you had to pee.
128
00:08:13,937 --> 00:08:15,984
I already did.
129
00:08:15,985 --> 00:08:17,978
I'm sorry I've missed that.
130
00:08:25,908 --> 00:08:27,812
Have you done this before?
131
00:08:27,813 --> 00:08:30,820
Kiss the girl?
Couple of times.
132
00:08:32,134 --> 00:08:35,326
- In an airplane bathroom?
- Believe it or not, no.
133
00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:37,246
It always seemed more trouble
than it was worth it.
134
00:08:37,247 --> 00:08:40,565
Now, that I'm here I think I was just
holding off for the right gal.
135
00:08:44,105 --> 00:08:47,899
For the love of Christ.
Save it for the honeymoon suite.
136
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,237
I have serious work
I gotta do in here.
137
00:08:50,838 --> 00:08:55,486
Thanks for pretty much
the best flight ever.
138
00:08:55,487 --> 00:08:57,265
You're very welcome.
139
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:01,268
I guess we shouldn't ruin it
by keeping in touch or anything.
140
00:09:01,269 --> 00:09:03,377
I couldn't agree more.
141
00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:06,520
You know what they say: What happens
in the small cramped toilet,
142
00:09:06,521 --> 00:09:08,209
stays in the small cramped toilet.
143
00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:11,793
That's one of my favorite sayings,
right up there with "Eating ain't cheap."
144
00:09:11,794 --> 00:09:14,910
You it's been a long time since
I just made out with a guy.
145
00:09:14,911 --> 00:09:17,145
- Your dirty slut.
- I know.
146
00:09:17,146 --> 00:09:19,535
- It's kinda hot, though.
- Hot.
147
00:09:19,536 --> 00:09:21,533
Maybe we should do it again some time.
148
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,550
With more room to move
one's extremities.
149
00:09:23,551 --> 00:09:27,126
You did not experience my best work, lady.
I've got some serious moves.
150
00:09:27,127 --> 00:09:30,496
I need to be able to
extend and retract.
151
00:09:30,497 --> 00:09:33,395
I gotta loosen up if I some...
Maybe I should get your number.
152
00:09:33,419 --> 00:09:34,466
Hold on.
153
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:36,479
I can never work
this thing. Hey.
154
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,278
Come on, cock-blocker.
155
00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:39,849
Roll down the window.
156
00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:41,708
Hey.
157
00:09:46,578 --> 00:09:48,690
Little Runks.
158
00:09:48,691 --> 00:09:52,598
Up high for uncle Hank.
You can do it. My man.
159
00:09:54,265 --> 00:09:55,874
How you doing, man?
160
00:09:56,652 --> 00:09:59,485
- He talking yet?
- No, not a word.
161
00:09:59,486 --> 00:10:01,723
Marsty tell me it's totally normal.
162
00:10:01,724 --> 00:10:04,244
- How old now?
- Two point five.
163
00:10:04,245 --> 00:10:08,219
- Totally not normal, Charlie.
- I know, that's what I keep saying.
164
00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:12,984
It's a sweet ride you got here. I was totally
expecting one of your faggoty little girl cars.
165
00:10:12,985 --> 00:10:14,951
This is how much I've missed you.
166
00:10:14,952 --> 00:10:17,887
Leasing this very expensive
penis extension.
167
00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:20,399
Made me feel closer to my
brother from another mother.
168
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,939
Oh, you sweet, bald, cock
hungry homo, you...
169
00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:25,139
Jeez. Hank, Hank.
170
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,713
He may not say much,
but he's not deaf.
171
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:31,154
I'm sorry, I just see you,
I get all excited that
172
00:10:31,155 --> 00:10:33,240
words just spill out.
173
00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:45,796
Hank.
174
00:10:49,094 --> 00:10:51,328
Sorry, they all look the same.
175
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:55,279
- What? In a good way.
- Right. Condescending to the last.
176
00:10:55,506 --> 00:10:58,191
Maybe the houses all
look the same, but you ...
177
00:10:58,192 --> 00:11:00,686
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
178
00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:02,959
Easy, tiger.
Stop it.
179
00:11:04,024 --> 00:11:08,158
I can't believe we haven't fucked
for two years, nine months,
180
00:11:08,159 --> 00:11:09,862
three weeks and...
181
00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:12,601
69 hours. What?
182
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,595
It's a compliment.
I'd still totally do you.
183
00:11:14,596 --> 00:11:15,779
Good to know.
184
00:11:15,919 --> 00:11:18,699
As I recall, it was mish, into doggie,
185
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:21,669
segued quite seamlessly into cowgirl.
186
00:11:21,670 --> 00:11:23,760
I came twice, you just did once.
187
00:11:23,761 --> 00:11:26,164
A guy remembers these things.
It would appear that I owe you one.
188
00:11:26,165 --> 00:11:28,890
- How are you, Hank?
- Most excellent, thank you.
189
00:11:28,891 --> 00:11:31,671
Are you still keeping it simple
with... what's her name?
190
00:11:31,672 --> 00:11:34,348
No, ended that just
last night, thank you very much.
191
00:11:34,349 --> 00:11:37,470
- Ah, hence the sudden arrival.
- Nonsense.
192
00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:40,109
The business of show has
brought me to the left coast.
193
00:11:40,110 --> 00:11:43,285
And how could I pass up an
opportunity to gaze upon my ladies?
194
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,966
Alas, this one's not
your lady anymore, Hank.
195
00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:48,334
Bates, good to see you wearing
pants. How's it tucking?
196
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:50,610
That's between me
and your ex baby mama.
197
00:11:50,611 --> 00:11:52,927
She's still my baby mama
and always will be.
198
00:11:52,928 --> 00:11:54,613
Get used to it, that will not change.
199
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,584
Did we do this once before
and it ended in fisticuffs?
200
00:11:57,585 --> 00:12:00,752
Yes, and a good
fisticuffs it was. Epic.
201
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,991
In fact, I think we needed to do it.
202
00:12:02,992 --> 00:12:05,562
Like men in prison.
To get it out of the way.
203
00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:07,926
We had to do the man-dance,
just once, just the taste.
204
00:12:08,004 --> 00:12:11,524
So we can move on with our lives and become
the cold war powers that we are today.
205
00:12:11,525 --> 00:12:13,754
Is that what it was?
Cause I seem to remember
206
00:12:13,785 --> 00:12:18,038
you pissing me off to such an extent
I was left with no choice but to take a swing.
207
00:12:18,039 --> 00:12:20,123
- And I hit you right back, don't forget that part.
- No blood.
208
00:12:20,124 --> 00:12:22,218
- Sizable shiner.
- Yeah, blood's more embarrassing.
209
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:25,800
Karen had to get you a towel, some ice.
Fresh pair of panties too, right?
210
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:27,496
Yep, still wearing it.
211
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,674
- How's Becca?
- Wonderful.
212
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,515
- What's that?
- Nothing.
213
00:12:33,516 --> 00:12:35,974
No, that is definitely not nothing.
214
00:12:35,975 --> 00:12:38,946
In fact, that's exactly
the kind of frown I'd give you
215
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,159
if you were trying to bullshit a bullshitter.
216
00:12:40,279 --> 00:12:43,336
It's her fucking boyfriend.
I mean, I wanna kill him, Hank.
217
00:12:43,337 --> 00:12:46,272
I mean I don't wanna kill him,
I want to dismember him.
218
00:12:46,273 --> 00:12:51,362
Slowly. And pour tabasco sauce
in his torn bloody asshole as he dies
219
00:12:51,386 --> 00:12:54,104
screaming for his
mommy and daddy. Yeah.
220
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:55,493
- Nice.
- Karen.
221
00:12:56,578 --> 00:13:00,060
If you absolutely have to be with
someone else, this is the right guy.
222
00:13:00,061 --> 00:13:02,667
I know.
He's like you.
223
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,277
But awesome.
224
00:13:06,016 --> 00:13:09,331
- That's me.
- Whateva'.
225
00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:12,538
Gross. This is gross.
Cut it out.
226
00:13:12,539 --> 00:13:14,599
Where is she?
What's the story?
227
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,724
I don't know, she didn't
come home last night.
228
00:13:16,725 --> 00:13:19,482
What? What kind of shop are
you running around here?
229
00:13:19,483 --> 00:13:21,552
- That's what I always say.
- I don't know, she's in college, Hank.
230
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:25,372
I mean you know she stays some nights with
her boyfriend. It's been known to happen.
231
00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:28,137
- What? And she's been having sex with this guy?
- I should hope so.
232
00:13:28,138 --> 00:13:30,475
- Why?
- Because he's hot.
233
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,339
- Who are you?
- He is a real fucking douchebag, but he is.
234
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:36,005
You know what?
We'll have dinner.
235
00:13:36,006 --> 00:13:39,044
I'll make sure she brings him.
Okay?
236
00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:40,542
Fine, why not?
237
00:13:40,543 --> 00:13:42,177
Dinner with the ex
and her new husband,
238
00:13:42,178 --> 00:13:44,491
my insolent daughter,
her asshole boyfriend.
239
00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:48,213
Fanfuckintastic. This is not shaping
up to be a good trip, not at all..
240
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,146
I've only been in LA a couple of hours
241
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,681
and I'm already supremely
fucking agitated.
242
00:13:52,682 --> 00:13:55,216
Have I told you about how
much money you stand to make?
243
00:13:55,217 --> 00:13:56,851
I don't believe it, Runks.
244
00:13:56,852 --> 00:13:58,988
Nothing is ever that easy and I'm
not jumping through any hoops
245
00:13:59,034 --> 00:14:02,254
to land this thing, whatever
this thing is. What is this thing?
246
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,436
Hello?
247
00:14:05,437 --> 00:14:07,936
Hello, ex-wife?
248
00:14:08,690 --> 00:14:10,636
Hello?
249
00:14:10,637 --> 00:14:12,728
Big time movie producer guy?
250
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,980
- Hello.
- Fuck.
251
00:14:16,527 --> 00:14:18,697
I'm gonna take a piss.
252
00:14:19,555 --> 00:14:23,619
Oooh. Eat that, bitch.
God damn it.
253
00:14:24,869 --> 00:14:27,728
God damn it. No, harder.
254
00:14:27,729 --> 00:14:29,619
Yes.
255
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,366
Charlie, come here.
Charlie. Charlie!
256
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,992
She moaned like that when
you used to munch her out?
257
00:14:39,993 --> 00:14:43,193
Hardly. Of course I never quite
had as many quatloos in the bank.
258
00:14:43,194 --> 00:14:45,515
And an Academy Award on my shelf.
259
00:14:45,516 --> 00:14:48,660
These things had been known to
enhance the female orgasm.
260
00:14:48,661 --> 00:14:51,675
Stuart!
Close your eyes, son!
261
00:14:51,676 --> 00:14:54,229
Charlie?
Hank?
262
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:56,802
Stuart?
Irma!
263
00:14:56,803 --> 00:14:58,780
Christ on a cross.
264
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:03,448
Hank?
Oh, so good to see you.
265
00:15:04,473 --> 00:15:07,596
Hey, can we do this a little later
when you lose the wood?
266
00:15:07,597 --> 00:15:10,607
- And wash your face.
- Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
267
00:15:10,608 --> 00:15:13,168
Sorry, and this could be a while.
268
00:15:13,169 --> 00:15:15,320
I just popped a Niagara.
269
00:15:15,321 --> 00:15:18,961
- You mean a Viagra.
- No we call the Niagara around here.
270
00:15:18,962 --> 00:15:21,212
Because my rock hard endowment
271
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:24,207
makes Marcy gush like Niagara Falls.
272
00:15:24,208 --> 00:15:26,613
- Oh. So Marcy's a squirter now?
- Oh yeah.
273
00:15:26,614 --> 00:15:28,236
Things have really
changed in my absence.
274
00:15:28,259 --> 00:15:32,595
Yeah, Marcy is in the throws of a real
sexual renaissance now, Hank.
275
00:15:32,596 --> 00:15:35,369
- It's exhilarating.
- It's good to hear, it's really good to hear.
276
00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:37,145
But you're too young
to mess with that Niagara shit, Stu.
277
00:15:37,176 --> 00:15:40,208
I know, I know, I just really
like the nine hour boner.
278
00:15:40,209 --> 00:15:43,363
That it makes me feel alive.
You know like get shit done.
279
00:15:43,364 --> 00:15:46,974
What is wrong with you people?
You're like a couple of teenagers.
280
00:15:46,975 --> 00:15:49,729
Yeah well Irma was
supposed to be watching him.
281
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:53,343
It was a quickie, Runkle,
then we were all going for some froyo.
282
00:15:53,344 --> 00:15:56,526
Speaking of which, why is he
eating these terrible snacks?
283
00:15:56,527 --> 00:15:58,506
Oh settle down, soccer mom.
284
00:15:58,507 --> 00:16:00,784
Hanky. Hug!
285
00:16:03,355 --> 00:16:06,515
- Oh you smell like sex.
- Yes I do.
286
00:16:06,516 --> 00:16:09,311
- And weed.
- Well yeah, Mommy's little helper.
287
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:12,577
I take a puffsky or two and
I get the sex munchies, you know.
288
00:16:12,578 --> 00:16:15,102
I'm going through a real
sexual renaissance.
289
00:16:15,103 --> 00:16:16,714
I heard.
290
00:16:16,715 --> 00:16:19,394
Irma, what the fuck?
291
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,115
Language, Marcy!
292
00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:23,418
He sneak away.
He always sneak away.
293
00:16:23,419 --> 00:16:26,428
- He so quiet like a mouse.
- Oy Dios mio!
294
00:16:26,429 --> 00:16:29,450
It doesn't have anything to do
with you watching your stories?
295
00:16:29,451 --> 00:16:33,028
El Gordo y La Flaca?
I know all about it, Irma.
296
00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:36,693
I'm calling immigration, motherfucker.
297
00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:41,356
What are you guys doing here?
298
00:16:41,357 --> 00:16:43,245
What are we doing here?
We came for the meeting.
299
00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:47,038
Jesus Runkle, didn't you get
the message? There is no meeting.
300
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:50,655
He wants Hank to come to him.
One on one. Face time.
301
00:16:50,656 --> 00:16:52,432
Who the fuck is he?
302
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:55,542
- Samurai Apocalypse.
- What? Huh?
303
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:58,218
- The rapper?
- Oh, have a little respect, Runkle.
304
00:16:58,219 --> 00:17:00,987
The man has transcended
rap a long ago.
305
00:17:00,988 --> 00:17:03,649
Sam is a producer, businessman,
306
00:17:03,688 --> 00:17:08,374
entrepreneur, humanitarian.
No, he is a major player, Hank. Major.
307
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,324
And I pass.
308
00:17:10,325 --> 00:17:12,197
No no no no no,
you have to take the meeting.
309
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,542
He really is an inspiring human being.
310
00:17:14,629 --> 00:17:18,082
He also has writer approval and he
hasn't liked anyone we've sent him.
311
00:17:18,186 --> 00:17:20,601
First of all, I'm not
auditioning for anyone.
312
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:24,144
Especially someone who calls
himself Samurai Apocalypse.
313
00:17:24,145 --> 00:17:26,200
Secondly, why wasn't
I first on the list?
314
00:17:27,451 --> 00:17:30,951
- What... well... I wasn't aware...
- Hollywood asshole.
315
00:18:09,127 --> 00:18:11,762
TM. Have you tried?
316
00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:15,505
Truth be told I get more satisfaction
out of a a solid BM.
317
00:18:16,521 --> 00:18:17,716
Thank you, Alfred.
318
00:18:18,257 --> 00:18:21,515
- Alfred, really?
- Fuck yeah, man.
319
00:18:21,516 --> 00:18:23,182
As a kid, I told my ma.
320
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:26,286
I said: "Mama, when I get
rich and famous, I give me Alfred."
321
00:18:26,287 --> 00:18:29,635
Your ma must be proud, cause you got
yourself a fucking Alfred all right.
322
00:18:29,636 --> 00:18:31,822
I don't even know what the
motherfucker's real name.
323
00:18:31,823 --> 00:18:34,269
I just call him Alfred
and he snatched right to it.
324
00:18:34,270 --> 00:18:37,107
I don't even know if I pay this
motherfucker, he might be my slave.
325
00:18:37,108 --> 00:18:39,040
Take that, white people.
326
00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:42,723
- You know I dug your book, man. For real.
- Thank you.
327
00:18:42,724 --> 00:18:44,752
- The shit was crazy.
- Thanks.
328
00:18:44,753 --> 00:18:49,475
When the chick squirted all over Runkle,
I laughed so hard I almost shit my own pants.
329
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:52,921
Runkle's always good
for a laugh. And a shart.
330
00:18:52,922 --> 00:18:55,695
Tellin' me? This motherfucker's a
walking Pez dispenser.
331
00:18:58,810 --> 00:19:02,211
- So you read the book? Cool.
- Nigga can't read, man?
332
00:19:02,212 --> 00:19:04,039
Kinda shit that saying
to a brother, yo.
333
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,061
I read yo shit from
cover to cover, man.
334
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,098
Even the boring pretentious parts.
335
00:19:08,099 --> 00:19:10,716
Yo, I think you're the
kind to write my shit.
336
00:19:11,612 --> 00:19:14,500
- What do you have in mind?
- Santa Monica Cop.
337
00:19:15,665 --> 00:19:17,361
I don't know what that means.
338
00:19:17,362 --> 00:19:19,942
Look, man,
I did this rap star already.
339
00:19:19,943 --> 00:19:22,862
Sold gold, platinum,
zirconium: Check.
340
00:19:22,863 --> 00:19:25,691
Got my my own energy drink,
Apocalypse Wild: Check.
341
00:19:25,692 --> 00:19:28,993
Got the badass Scarface crib,
crazy rides,
342
00:19:28,994 --> 00:19:31,921
more pussy a nigga can eat:
Check, check, check.
343
00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:34,107
So what's next? The movies.
344
00:19:34,108 --> 00:19:36,526
I wanna do
my own thing, my own moment.
345
00:19:36,527 --> 00:19:39,600
Santa Monica Cop is my
Eddie Murphy moment right now.
346
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:43,561
- So it's like Beverly Hills Cop.
- Nah nigga, it's set in Santa Monica.
347
00:19:45,031 --> 00:19:46,734
Okay, I see the difference.
348
00:19:46,735 --> 00:19:50,067
You're a kingmaker, man.
I want to be a king, yo.
349
00:19:50,068 --> 00:19:53,926
- You in?
- I don't know, is not really my thing.
350
00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:56,251
The fuck else do you wanna do?
Write another book?
351
00:19:56,252 --> 00:19:58,836
Fuck that, let's
get paid, motherfucker.
352
00:19:58,837 --> 00:20:02,269
Hey. Get yo sexy
ass over here, mama.
353
00:20:05,207 --> 00:20:07,542
- What's up, mama?
- Hi.
354
00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:10,629
Hank Moody, this is Kali.
355
00:20:10,630 --> 00:20:13,266
Remember this name, Kali,
She's gonna be a star.
356
00:20:14,935 --> 00:20:18,211
Kali, this is Hank Moody.
The writer/rapist.
357
00:20:18,976 --> 00:20:20,767
Nice to meet you, Hank.
358
00:20:20,768 --> 00:20:22,920
- And you.
- Oh God. Sorry.
359
00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:26,116
Didn't mean to get a
puddle on you, sorry.
360
00:20:26,117 --> 00:20:28,177
She keeps it cool for sure, yo.
361
00:20:28,891 --> 00:20:31,146
It looks like you two
are about to fornicate.
362
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,366
Which is typically my cue.
363
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,297
Keep it real up with the feel.
A'ight.
364
00:20:36,298 --> 00:20:37,907
Im'ma keep in touch, Moody.
365
00:20:37,908 --> 00:20:39,931
You can't escape Apocalypse Now, yo.
366
00:20:59,046 --> 00:21:01,295
Hasn't been that long, dad.
367
00:21:03,619 --> 00:21:06,491
- You got that look.
- What look?
368
00:21:06,492 --> 00:21:08,974
The drunken boy crazy look.
369
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:10,338
Promise you'll be nice.
370
00:21:10,361 --> 00:21:12,593
Nice? What are you talking about?
I'm always nice.
371
00:21:12,594 --> 00:21:14,834
Might wanna get used to this one.
372
00:21:14,835 --> 00:21:17,044
I could see him sticking.
373
00:21:17,045 --> 00:21:20,625
In a shoe maybe. Like an
unpleasant chunk of dog turd.
374
00:21:36,624 --> 00:21:39,304
How old of a man might you be, Tyler?
375
00:21:40,243 --> 00:21:42,792
- I'm 24, Hank.
- 24?
376
00:21:43,757 --> 00:21:45,912
24?
377
00:21:45,913 --> 00:21:49,061
A touch too old for my daughter, don't
you think, maybe? Kind of inappropriate?
378
00:21:49,062 --> 00:21:50,886
- Dad?
- Daughter?
379
00:21:50,887 --> 00:21:52,299
- You're being a dick.
- Am not.
380
00:21:52,330 --> 00:21:53,455
- Am too.
- Am not.
381
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:54,770
He's not being a dick, baby.
382
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,541
- Baby, really?
- He's just a concerned father,
383
00:21:56,564 --> 00:21:58,525
you know, the two are easily confused.
384
00:21:58,599 --> 00:22:00,814
I don't think age
is an issue here, Hank.
385
00:22:00,863 --> 00:22:03,533
Becca is wise beyond her years.
386
00:22:03,580 --> 00:22:06,016
And I'm nothing if not
somewhat stunted.
387
00:22:07,132 --> 00:22:09,251
That sounds familiar.
388
00:22:09,252 --> 00:22:12,906
Well, Hardy Har Har, Karen.
So funny I forgot to laugh.
389
00:22:12,907 --> 00:22:16,031
I'll take a snifter of that
vino rouge you got there, Tyler.
390
00:22:16,281 --> 00:22:19,280
Oh, sorry, Hank.
Looks like I killed it.
391
00:22:19,281 --> 00:22:22,463
All by yourself?
Again, with the rude, no?
392
00:22:22,464 --> 00:22:27,035
Maybe, but it is incredibly tasty
super Tuscan. Snooze, you loose.
393
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,255
Hank, look...
394
00:22:30,256 --> 00:22:32,001
I get it, I do.
395
00:22:32,002 --> 00:22:35,542
A young, good looking guy swoops in and
starts sniffing around your one and only,
396
00:22:35,543 --> 00:22:38,233
and you questions his motives.
Totally understandable.
397
00:22:38,234 --> 00:22:41,223
But I really like your daughter.
398
00:22:41,224 --> 00:22:44,356
We're having fun,
we're hanging out, keeping it simple...
399
00:22:44,357 --> 00:22:47,360
And I come in peace, okay?
It's all good.
400
00:22:47,361 --> 00:22:49,267
- It's all good?
- Yeah.
401
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,518
- It's all good.
- He's really charming.
402
00:22:51,519 --> 00:22:54,048
You hear that, Karen?
It's all good.
403
00:22:54,049 --> 00:22:56,687
- Yes, it's all good.
- It's all good.
404
00:22:56,688 --> 00:22:58,894
We should go on, babe.
We're going to be late.
405
00:22:59,665 --> 00:23:02,468
Hold on, hold on a sec.
Is anybody gonna say anything?
406
00:23:03,369 --> 00:23:06,120
Okay, It's on me to be
the designated asshole.
407
00:23:06,121 --> 00:23:09,695
You're not really thinking of driving, are you?
You just finished a whole bottle of wine.
408
00:23:09,696 --> 00:23:11,519
Hank, come on.
409
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,548
Who puts wine in the drinking
and driving category?
410
00:23:13,549 --> 00:23:16,451
I don't know, maybe
people who have lost kids
411
00:23:16,452 --> 00:23:20,853
to smarmy little fucks who sucked down
super Tuscans and then got behind the wheel?
412
00:23:20,854 --> 00:23:24,993
And you've certainly never consumed alcohol
and gotten behind the wheel, have you dad?
413
00:23:24,994 --> 00:23:29,363
I have made certain mistakes, Becca.
This has been well documented.
414
00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:32,924
But because of my foolishness,
you don't have to make the same ones.
415
00:23:32,925 --> 00:23:36,349
Great seeing you, dad.
Always a pleasure.
416
00:23:36,350 --> 00:23:37,961
Becca, wait.
417
00:23:39,692 --> 00:23:42,424
See how easy that was?
Problem solved.
418
00:23:42,425 --> 00:23:45,393
She a quite little trouble
stirrer, that one.
419
00:23:45,394 --> 00:23:47,248
It was nice to finally meet you, Hank.
420
00:23:47,249 --> 00:23:49,376
Truly sorry we got off on wrong foot.
421
00:23:50,918 --> 00:23:52,757
- Take care, Karen.
- Bye.
422
00:23:54,903 --> 00:23:58,673
Jesus, even feels like a creep.
Clammy, fucking mitz.
423
00:23:58,674 --> 00:24:00,318
I don't like it.
Not one bit.
424
00:24:00,319 --> 00:24:02,614
Hank, you're here for a couple days.
425
00:24:02,615 --> 00:24:04,403
Is this how you wanna leave
things with your daughter?
426
00:24:04,404 --> 00:24:07,327
I think I'm going to let the grownups hash
this one out. You know where I stand.
427
00:24:07,351 --> 00:24:09,380
I hate his stupid fucking guts.
428
00:24:09,381 --> 00:24:12,839
And I love you for it, Batesy.
Your support means the world to me.
429
00:24:13,548 --> 00:24:15,039
Seriously, I could've
felt you right now.
430
00:24:15,172 --> 00:24:18,063
You know it wouldn't be the first time
a man has tongued my asshole in gratitude.
431
00:24:18,094 --> 00:24:20,455
- Shut up. Just shut up.
- Raincheck.
432
00:24:20,456 --> 00:24:22,693
- He's kidding, right?
- You don't get it, do you?
433
00:24:22,717 --> 00:24:23,873
- What?
- He's you.
434
00:24:23,888 --> 00:24:25,810
Yes. You said so earlier.
435
00:24:25,811 --> 00:24:27,248
He's like me only awesomer.
436
00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:30,661
And I'm not sure I liked the way you phrased it,
but I certainly understand the sentiment.
437
00:24:30,695 --> 00:24:32,577
And I choose to see a compliment
there somewhere.
438
00:24:32,593 --> 00:24:34,849
- Hank, will you shut the fuck up?
- Because I'm a bright side guy.
439
00:24:34,850 --> 00:24:37,868
I'm not talking
about Richard. Tyler.
440
00:24:37,869 --> 00:24:40,907
What? What are you talking about?
The kid is a loathsome fucking asshole.
441
00:24:40,908 --> 00:24:44,885
Well, there are certain members of my family
who said the same thing about you.
442
00:24:44,886 --> 00:24:47,870
Your folks, maybe. Not your sister.
She always dug me.
443
00:24:47,871 --> 00:24:51,310
She used to molest me with her eyes.
Something fierce, I could tell.
444
00:24:51,311 --> 00:24:54,248
Got me a little wet.
I'm not gonna lie.
445
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:58,998
Wow, I can't believe it has taken me this many years
to realize you ended up with the wrong sister.
446
00:24:59,037 --> 00:25:01,048
Oh, she was a foxy little
minx, that one.
447
00:25:01,049 --> 00:25:02,685
But she didn't turn on my heart light.
448
00:25:04,730 --> 00:25:06,512
So what's the move here, Karen?
449
00:25:06,513 --> 00:25:09,871
- Move? There is no move.
- There's always a move.
450
00:25:09,872 --> 00:25:12,318
She likes him.
He says he likes her.
451
00:25:12,319 --> 00:25:14,328
It works until it doesn't.
452
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:17,215
That sounds awfully familiar.
453
00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:20,404
I'm not in the mood, Hank.
I'm going back to my life.
454
00:25:20,405 --> 00:25:23,342
Who could blame you?
It's a nice life. What?
455
00:25:23,427 --> 00:25:26,854
You did well for yourself. You got
a white picket fence and everything.
456
00:25:26,855 --> 00:25:28,717
Yep. Home, sweet home.
457
00:25:28,718 --> 00:25:32,477
I know bait when I hear it,
and this little fishy ain't biting.
458
00:25:32,478 --> 00:25:35,658
- Good night.
- Good night, former lover.
459
00:26:06,206 --> 00:26:07,844
One...
460
00:26:10,788 --> 00:26:15,619
hundreeeed!
461
00:26:15,620 --> 00:26:18,185
I win!
462
00:26:18,186 --> 00:26:21,382
Hank! Buddy I didn't
hear you come in.
463
00:26:21,383 --> 00:26:23,166
Hank, this is Ginger.
464
00:26:23,167 --> 00:26:27,904
Ginger, this is my best friend
and star client, Hank Moody.
465
00:26:27,905 --> 00:26:30,157
- Hi, Hank.
- Hey, Ginger.
466
00:26:30,158 --> 00:26:32,885
Any naked friend of Charlie
is a naked friend of mine.
467
00:26:38,494 --> 00:26:40,504
What's with the victory lap, dude?
468
00:26:40,505 --> 00:26:42,370
It's the 100th woman, Hank.
469
00:26:42,371 --> 00:26:45,446
Un ciento, baby.
Remember? My quest.
470
00:26:45,447 --> 00:26:48,536
Oh, wow, it took this
long to get to a 100?
471
00:26:49,347 --> 00:26:51,707
What am I talking about?
Of course it did.
472
00:26:51,708 --> 00:26:56,505
I know, right? But I did it.
I made myself a promise and I kept it.
473
00:26:56,506 --> 00:26:58,499
My heart and cock swell with pride.
474
00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:01,350
Hey, I'm really happy you were here
to see me cross the finish line.
475
00:27:01,351 --> 00:27:04,316
- Me too.
- How was your day, buddy?
476
00:27:04,317 --> 00:27:06,737
It started off all right,
then it got a little weird
477
00:27:06,738 --> 00:27:08,941
and then it just all went
sideways and shitty.
478
00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:11,117
What do you think of
Samurai Apocalypse?
479
00:27:11,118 --> 00:27:14,006
Yeah, can you give me a
ride back to the LAX right now?
480
00:27:14,007 --> 00:27:16,887
Oh, come on.
There's no need to be rash.
481
00:27:16,957 --> 00:27:19,195
Look, you have yourself a drink.
482
00:27:20,728 --> 00:27:22,359
Chillax, enjoy the view.
483
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:25,207
No, no, that's how it
starts, Charlie. Stop.
484
00:27:29,358 --> 00:27:30,845
Who dis?
485
00:27:31,746 --> 00:27:34,203
Oh. Who?
486
00:27:34,639 --> 00:27:35,905
Oh, yeah?
487
00:27:36,651 --> 00:27:38,491
Wait, what?
488
00:27:38,492 --> 00:27:40,166
Say that again.
489
00:27:41,142 --> 00:27:43,957
Wow. Wow.
490
00:27:45,782 --> 00:27:47,420
Oh, okay.
491
00:27:50,170 --> 00:27:53,734
Well, thanks for calling.
I guess.
492
00:27:55,167 --> 00:27:58,546
- Who dat?
- My neighbor back in New York.
493
00:27:58,547 --> 00:28:00,466
Everything okay?
494
00:28:02,446 --> 00:28:04,583
My apartment's on fire.
495
00:28:05,785 --> 00:28:16,246
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com