1
00:00:06,748 --> 00:00:07,999
[Cell phone text alert]
2
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:19,523
[Cell phone text alert]
3
00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:20,566
You're blowin' up.
4
00:00:20,682 --> 00:00:21,648
What does that mean?
5
00:00:21,682 --> 00:00:22,882
You're a fuckin' pimp!
6
00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,985
Oh, yeah, but not in a good way.
7
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It's that chick from New York,
8
00:00:26,153 --> 00:00:27,287
the bunny boiler.
9
00:00:27,591 --> 00:00:29,058
The one who
set your apartment on fire?
10
00:00:29,093 --> 00:00:30,593
Yeah, yeah, Carrie.
11
00:00:30,627 --> 00:00:31,927
The very same.
12
00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:33,095
She said she was just burning
all my first editions,
13
00:00:33,130 --> 00:00:34,597
but it got a little out of control.
14
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Understandable.
15
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These things happen.
She still pissed at you?
16
00:00:38,102 --> 00:00:39,403
No, not so much.
17
00:00:39,438 --> 00:00:41,305
It's all sweet talk and sexting now.
18
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,174
She's here on business
and wants to see me.
19
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,610
Are you gonna do it?
20
00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:46,946
Hells to the no.
She's a psycho.
21
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,715
Awfully wonderful
in the boudoir, though.
22
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,151
That's why I kept it going
long after the expiration date.
23
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,488
What was so wonderful about it?
24
00:00:53,522 --> 00:00:55,790
Just the enthusiasm, really.
25
00:00:55,824 --> 00:00:58,926
You know, it was as if the act
itself was rejuvenating to her.
26
00:00:58,961 --> 00:01:02,430
It was as if she were
dying of thirst and my cock
27
00:01:02,464 --> 00:01:04,098
was the fountain of everlasting youth.
28
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,867
Mm, must be nice.
29
00:01:05,901 --> 00:01:07,635
I don't think a woman
has ever looked at my dick
30
00:01:07,669 --> 00:01:09,737
like it offered health benefits
of any kind.
31
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[Cell phone text alert]
32
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,173
Aw, shit.
33
00:01:13,208 --> 00:01:14,875
She says she's got a surprise for me.
34
00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:17,379
[Chuckles] Maybe she
killed Karen and Becca.
35
00:01:17,413 --> 00:01:18,814
Ha!
36
00:01:18,848 --> 00:01:20,716
I'm not sure that's funny, Charlie.
37
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,719
I'm sorry, sometimes
I forget where the line is.
38
00:01:23,753 --> 00:01:25,822
[Doorbell rings]
No.
39
00:01:25,856 --> 00:01:27,758
No fucking way, right?
40
00:01:27,792 --> 00:01:29,026
You tell her where you were staying?
41
00:01:29,061 --> 00:01:31,029
- No.
- Then you're all good.
42
00:01:46,613 --> 00:01:47,746
- Surprise!
- Oh, geez!
43
00:01:47,781 --> 00:01:49,715
Mmmmmm!
44
00:01:49,749 --> 00:01:50,716
Mm...Ooh...
45
00:01:50,750 --> 00:01:51,817
Ho-ho-ho!
46
00:01:51,851 --> 00:01:52,818
[Laughs]
47
00:01:52,852 --> 00:01:54,586
- Hi.
- Hi.
48
00:01:54,621 --> 00:01:57,022
- How did you--
- I tracked your iPhone, silly.
49
00:01:57,057 --> 00:01:58,291
Unh!
50
00:01:58,325 --> 00:01:59,693
Remember I figured out
your password that one time.
51
00:01:59,727 --> 00:02:00,760
Oh, right.
52
00:02:00,795 --> 00:02:02,729
Yeah, that one time.
53
00:02:02,764 --> 00:02:04,331
Okay.
54
00:02:04,366 --> 00:02:06,033
Are we really just gonna stand
here with the chit-chat
55
00:02:06,068 --> 00:02:08,337
when we could be
fucking each other's brains out?
56
00:02:08,371 --> 00:02:11,340
[Upbeat music]
57
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
58
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[Seagulls calling]
59
00:02:58,829 --> 00:03:04,167
[Passionate moans]
60
00:03:04,201 --> 00:03:06,870
Jesus fucking Christ.
61
00:03:06,904 --> 00:03:08,905
I think you just
added seven years to my life.
62
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:09,939
Oh, that's my gift.
63
00:03:09,974 --> 00:03:11,608
- Oh!
- I fuck in dog years.
64
00:03:11,642 --> 00:03:16,646
Oh, it just fits
so nicely inside there.
65
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,182
Hey, I would love to make
a plaster cast of your dick
66
00:03:19,216 --> 00:03:20,616
and then make a dildo from it.
67
00:03:20,651 --> 00:03:22,018
- That's crazy.
- Mm-hm.
68
00:03:22,052 --> 00:03:23,252
And flattering.
69
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,587
And not so terrible an idea.
70
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:25,955
Maybe you could make
an extra one for me?
71
00:03:25,989 --> 00:03:27,022
I could fuck Charlie with it.
72
00:03:27,057 --> 00:03:28,990
Oh, my body responds to you, Hank.
73
00:03:29,025 --> 00:03:31,426
It does things my brain
says it shouldn't.
74
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:32,861
Tell me about it.
75
00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:34,996
My brain can't believe
I just slept with an arsonist.
76
00:03:35,031 --> 00:03:37,132
- Yeah.
- A book burner to boot.
77
00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:39,501
Am I that much a slave
to my fleshy massah?
78
00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:40,835
No, it's me.
79
00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:43,504
Once you entered me
there was no turning back.
80
00:03:43,539 --> 00:03:45,706
I bought the ticket, I took the ride.
81
00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:48,308
I never know if we're speaking
metaphorically or not,
82
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it's exhausting.
83
00:03:49,343 --> 00:03:51,645
I know, I'm exhausted too.
84
00:03:51,679 --> 00:03:53,279
You just fucked me something proper.
85
00:03:53,314 --> 00:03:55,047
I think you just
added seven years to my life.
86
00:03:55,082 --> 00:03:57,149
- You said that already.
- I did?
87
00:03:57,184 --> 00:03:58,417
- Mm-hm.
- Oh.
88
00:03:58,451 --> 00:04:00,486
I'm so drunk on cock.
89
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,787
You're insane, you know that?
90
00:04:01,822 --> 00:04:03,155
When are you coming back to New York?
91
00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:04,456
I don't know.
92
00:04:04,491 --> 00:04:06,759
I'm in the middle
of this wacky screenwriting gig
93
00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:09,295
and my daughter's all distraught
about her asshole boyfriend
94
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,364
and that might be all my fault.
95
00:04:11,398 --> 00:04:12,565
- So it could be a while.
- Okay, listen, listen, listen.
96
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,234
I got offered a job here, a good one.
97
00:04:14,268 --> 00:04:17,136
And I think I'm gonna take it.
98
00:04:17,171 --> 00:04:19,573
[Doorbell rings]
99
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,342
- Jesus saves.
- No, no, no, no, no!
100
00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:23,077
Don't get it, fuck me again!
Stay here, fuck me again!
101
00:04:23,111 --> 00:04:24,178
And again! And again!
102
00:04:24,212 --> 00:04:25,913
You don't wanna live forever, do you?
103
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,556
- Hi!
- Hi.
104
00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:35,391
- So we're off to Neptune's Net.
- Oh!
105
00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:36,659
For some heartbreak comfort food.
106
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,260
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- My heart is hungry.
107
00:04:38,295 --> 00:04:41,297
- Aw, sweetie.
- Care to join us, pa-pa?
108
00:04:41,332 --> 00:04:43,199
Yes, yes, that's a good--
let's go, come on.
109
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,034
Do you wanna put on some pants?
110
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:48,704
It's not a question of want,
Karen, it's a question of time.
111
00:04:48,739 --> 00:04:50,540
Come on, last one to the car
has a rotten crotch.
112
00:04:50,575 --> 00:04:52,942
- Hi.
- Hi.
113
00:04:52,977 --> 00:04:57,614
Aren't you going to introduce us, dad?
114
00:04:57,648 --> 00:04:59,416
- This is my daughter, Becca.
- Aw.
115
00:04:59,450 --> 00:05:00,684
And her mother, Karen.
116
00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:02,252
Oh, the famous Karen.
117
00:05:02,287 --> 00:05:05,022
- Oh, famous?
- In some circles.
118
00:05:05,056 --> 00:05:08,692
Um, nice to meet you.
119
00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:09,726
Carrie.
120
00:05:09,761 --> 00:05:12,262
Car--Carrie,
from New York.
121
00:05:12,297 --> 00:05:13,797
Mm-hm, yeah.
122
00:05:13,831 --> 00:05:16,867
I'm sorry, I didn't forget.
I was just distracted.
123
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:19,102
I was quietly praying
for an earthquake.
124
00:05:19,136 --> 00:05:20,970
Hank, this is so not a big deal.
125
00:05:21,005 --> 00:05:22,138
- I'm married.
- Oh.
126
00:05:22,173 --> 00:05:24,474
And Becca, she's an adult now, so...
127
00:05:24,509 --> 00:05:26,109
This is nothing.
128
00:05:26,143 --> 00:05:27,476
I've seen some shit.
129
00:05:27,511 --> 00:05:29,612
Yes--yes,
she's seen some shit.
130
00:05:29,646 --> 00:05:30,913
We assume you're out there dating.
131
00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:31,914
Oh, no, we're not dating.
132
00:05:31,948 --> 00:05:33,248
Yeah, right.
What she said.
133
00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:35,451
No, I would love to,
but Hank's damaged.
134
00:05:35,485 --> 00:05:36,685
- Yeah.
- Broken, really.
135
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,953
- Mm-hm.
- Old dog, no new tricks.
136
00:05:37,988 --> 00:05:39,421
- [Laughs]
- You know what?
137
00:05:39,456 --> 00:05:42,624
You guys, you should
come over for dinner tonight.
138
00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:44,326
- Oh, no.
- Yes, we're gonna celebrate.
139
00:05:44,361 --> 00:05:45,394
You don't even know
what we're celebrating.
140
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,562
Doesn't matter, not gonna do it.
141
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,664
Stu has optioned Richard's new novel.
142
00:05:48,699 --> 00:05:50,166
Oh, well,
whoop-dee-doo, Karen.
143
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,801
You know how much I hate celebrating
144
00:05:51,835 --> 00:05:53,002
other writers' successes.
145
00:05:53,037 --> 00:05:54,771
Schadenfreude, baby.
146
00:05:54,805 --> 00:05:56,305
Come on, Marcy and Stu will be there.
147
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:57,940
- It's gonna be fun.
- Or not.
148
00:05:57,975 --> 00:06:00,410
- [Whispers] Help me.
- [Whispers] No.
149
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,878
You know, unfortunately
I have to have drinks
150
00:06:01,912 --> 00:06:03,846
with a friend of a friend,
it's sort of a "date sitch."
151
00:06:03,881 --> 00:06:05,281
Oh, you see that?
152
00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:06,482
She has to move on with her life.
153
00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:09,818
No, but I would
much rather do this, yeah.
154
00:06:09,852 --> 00:06:12,821
[Upbeat music]
155
00:06:12,855 --> 00:06:14,455
♪ ♪
156
00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:15,490
I'm so excited.
157
00:06:15,524 --> 00:06:17,091
I can't wait to meet your friends.
158
00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:18,659
Oh, yeah, they're not really friends.
159
00:06:18,694 --> 00:06:20,228
I wouldn't describe them as--
more like
160
00:06:20,262 --> 00:06:22,330
a bunch of very
entertaining narcissists.
161
00:06:22,364 --> 00:06:23,798
You know what?
I like L.A.
162
00:06:23,832 --> 00:06:26,000
I do. I could
picture myself being here.
163
00:06:26,035 --> 00:06:27,501
- No.
- Yes.
164
00:06:27,536 --> 00:06:29,337
You don't wanna come here
and become a cunty gym face.
165
00:06:29,371 --> 00:06:31,439
Yeah, one of those girls
that comes out to L.A.,
166
00:06:31,473 --> 00:06:32,473
joins the gym, gets addicted,
167
00:06:32,507 --> 00:06:33,474
and then next thing you know
168
00:06:33,508 --> 00:06:35,176
they're...
169
00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:38,312
Oh!
[Laughs]
170
00:06:38,346 --> 00:06:40,580
- You're funny.
- I have my moments.
171
00:06:40,615 --> 00:06:44,050
We have fun.
We're so good together, Hank.
172
00:06:44,084 --> 00:06:45,718
- We have our moments.
- Hey, hey, hey.
173
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,153
Hey, you never, uh...
174
00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:48,153
You never said anything, by the way.
175
00:06:48,188 --> 00:06:50,556
- About?
- About my job opportunity.
176
00:06:50,590 --> 00:06:51,957
Oh, yeah, well, you know what?
177
00:06:51,991 --> 00:06:53,692
I think you've got a great job
178
00:06:53,726 --> 00:06:55,694
in the publishing capital
of the world.
179
00:06:55,729 --> 00:06:56,962
Why would you leave that?
180
00:06:56,996 --> 00:06:58,296
Oh, because business is changing.
181
00:06:58,331 --> 00:06:59,331
Print is dead,
yadda-yadda-yadda.
182
00:06:59,365 --> 00:07:00,399
Oh.
183
00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:02,400
Besides, I could be closer to this.
184
00:07:02,435 --> 00:07:03,402
[Unzips zipper]
185
00:07:03,436 --> 00:07:04,970
Hey, what are you doing?
186
00:07:05,004 --> 00:07:06,906
I mean, I like what you're doing.
187
00:07:06,940 --> 00:07:08,240
I just don't know
where you're going with it.
188
00:07:08,275 --> 00:07:09,909
I think I might be going
straight to Blowjob City.
189
00:07:09,943 --> 00:07:11,143
- Oh, that far?
- Yeah.
190
00:07:11,178 --> 00:07:12,145
What do you think about that?
191
00:07:12,179 --> 00:07:15,248
Well, my eyes, they say no, but...
192
00:07:15,282 --> 00:07:18,317
my dick, he says
"Yeah, I could eat."
193
00:07:18,351 --> 00:07:20,052
Ooh, I really...
194
00:07:20,086 --> 00:07:21,420
I think we need to examine
195
00:07:21,454 --> 00:07:22,821
what you're getting out of this thing.
196
00:07:22,855 --> 00:07:23,889
[Car honking]
197
00:07:23,923 --> 00:07:25,924
Hey...
198
00:07:27,927 --> 00:07:31,263
Hank!
199
00:07:31,297 --> 00:07:34,265
Hi, you must be Carrie.
200
00:07:37,236 --> 00:07:39,971
So...
201
00:07:40,006 --> 00:07:42,607
Am I gonna like this gal or what?
202
00:07:42,642 --> 00:07:43,909
She's very nice.
203
00:07:43,943 --> 00:07:46,612
Okay, just so you know,
"She's very nice--"
204
00:07:46,646 --> 00:07:48,748
- Mm-hm.
- Sounds like a weight problem.
205
00:07:48,782 --> 00:07:51,051
You said you wanted
to meet someone nice.
206
00:07:51,085 --> 00:07:52,953
You said a normal woman.
207
00:07:52,987 --> 00:07:54,755
And she is the nicest,
most normal woman I know
208
00:07:54,789 --> 00:07:55,923
in all of Los Angeles.
209
00:07:55,957 --> 00:07:58,792
Okay, okay, I just--
I hate blind dates.
210
00:07:58,827 --> 00:08:01,061
- The worst.
- I could stay home.
211
00:08:01,096 --> 00:08:03,297
Hey, we could watch
a movie or something.
212
00:08:03,332 --> 00:08:04,999
Inappropriate, Charlie.
213
00:08:05,033 --> 00:08:06,266
- Right, that.
- Mm-hm.
214
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,068
Yes, that.
215
00:08:08,102 --> 00:08:11,337
You didn't tell her
about my inappropriate behavior,
216
00:08:11,372 --> 00:08:12,705
did you?
217
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:16,175
Yes, I told her that you
shoved your hand up my skirt
218
00:08:16,209 --> 00:08:18,277
and started talking
like a sexual deviant.
219
00:08:18,312 --> 00:08:19,312
What did she say?
220
00:08:19,346 --> 00:08:21,581
I'm kidding, Charlie.
221
00:08:21,615 --> 00:08:24,283
I was trying to talk you up,
not have you arrested.
222
00:08:24,318 --> 00:08:25,685
Okay, okay, okay.
223
00:08:25,719 --> 00:08:28,154
- So, uh, if Stewart wakes up--
- I've got it covered.
224
00:08:28,188 --> 00:08:29,322
- I've got the touch.
- Yes, you do.
225
00:08:29,356 --> 00:08:32,858
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
226
00:08:32,892 --> 00:08:33,859
Any advice?
227
00:08:33,893 --> 00:08:37,062
Just be yourself, Charlie.
228
00:08:37,097 --> 00:08:41,867
And who is that, exactly?
229
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:45,437
[Indistinct conversation]
230
00:08:45,471 --> 00:08:47,172
I'd like to propose a toast
231
00:08:47,206 --> 00:08:49,841
to the bravest, most erotic book
232
00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,242
I have ever read.
233
00:08:51,276 --> 00:08:53,178
Blood Mountain, by Richard Bates.
234
00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:55,346
Eh-eh-eh-eh-
that's exactly what you said
235
00:08:55,381 --> 00:08:57,182
about "Fucking and Punching,"
word for word.
236
00:08:57,216 --> 00:08:59,483
- And I meant it, Hank.
- Aw!
237
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:00,585
No, I did.
I did.
238
00:09:00,619 --> 00:09:02,053
It doesn't make it any less true.
239
00:09:02,087 --> 00:09:03,855
All right, well, here's
to bending over and taking it.
240
00:09:03,889 --> 00:09:06,024
- Hollywood style.
- Oh, my God.
241
00:09:06,058 --> 00:09:09,527
And this from the 19th writer
on Santa Monica Cop.
242
00:09:09,561 --> 00:09:12,463
Aah, douche, my friend, douche.
243
00:09:12,498 --> 00:09:14,332
Kiss me, you supercilious fuck.
244
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:17,035
- So Carrie, I have to ask.
- Yes, Karen.
245
00:09:17,070 --> 00:09:19,905
How did you manage
to nail down Hank for--
246
00:09:19,939 --> 00:09:21,240
- It's a year, right?
- Almost a year, yeah.
247
00:09:21,274 --> 00:09:22,474
Yeah, well, I would
love to say it was me,
248
00:09:22,509 --> 00:09:23,842
but I think it was the sex.
249
00:09:23,876 --> 00:09:24,977
Ahem.
250
00:09:25,011 --> 00:09:27,079
He unleashed
something in me, you know?
251
00:09:27,113 --> 00:09:28,513
Something primal.
252
00:09:28,548 --> 00:09:30,649
Before Hank, it was just me
and that little pink rabbit.
253
00:09:30,683 --> 00:09:32,384
Yeah, where is that pink rabbit today?
254
00:09:32,418 --> 00:09:33,986
Sex toys.
255
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:35,153
- What's the consensus?
- Oh, my God.
256
00:09:35,188 --> 00:09:36,355
I love them.
257
00:09:36,389 --> 00:09:39,291
Could we just pretend
to talk about politics
258
00:09:39,326 --> 00:09:42,061
or the environment or--
and then, maybe, you know,
259
00:09:42,095 --> 00:09:43,696
end up with sex?
260
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:44,930
Karen, Karen,
we're all grown-ups here.
261
00:09:44,964 --> 00:09:46,665
- No, we're not.
- Karen hates talking about sex.
262
00:09:46,699 --> 00:09:49,034
- She ain't gonna do it.
- I do not.
263
00:09:49,068 --> 00:09:51,036
Okay, you guys wanna see something?
264
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,170
Here we go.
265
00:09:52,205 --> 00:09:53,171
Sex.
266
00:09:53,206 --> 00:09:54,172
No.
267
00:09:54,207 --> 00:09:55,607
Vagina.
Pussy.
268
00:09:55,642 --> 00:09:57,609
- Aah!
- Big hairy pussy!
269
00:09:57,644 --> 00:09:59,344
[Laughter]
270
00:09:59,378 --> 00:10:01,346
You know what?
I used to be that way.
271
00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:02,848
I did.
I was really closed off.
272
00:10:02,882 --> 00:10:05,317
I was borderline frigid, actually.
273
00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:06,785
- Oh.
- [Groans]
274
00:10:06,820 --> 00:10:09,355
No, no, no, I'm not saying--
but Hank, he opened me up.
275
00:10:09,389 --> 00:10:10,923
- He does--yes, yeah.
- He did.
276
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:14,493
- Emotionally and creatively.
- Yup, yeah, that's me.
277
00:10:14,528 --> 00:10:16,228
The emotional safecracker.
278
00:10:16,263 --> 00:10:17,563
Well, for what it's worth,
279
00:10:17,597 --> 00:10:18,597
I find Karen to be...
280
00:10:18,632 --> 00:10:20,066
[Whispers] Shut up.
281
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,233
Easily the most sexual woman
I've ever had
282
00:10:21,268 --> 00:10:22,568
the good fortune to copulate with.
283
00:10:22,602 --> 00:10:24,503
- Holy crap.
- Wow, well, that's--
284
00:10:24,538 --> 00:10:25,871
She's quite ferocious, actually.
285
00:10:25,906 --> 00:10:27,172
Like a lioness.
286
00:10:27,207 --> 00:10:29,241
I wanna go and put my head
in the oven.
287
00:10:29,276 --> 00:10:30,642
Will you save room for me?
288
00:10:30,677 --> 00:10:32,211
[Laughter]
289
00:10:32,245 --> 00:10:36,081
The reason I brought this up
was because I like the toys.
290
00:10:36,115 --> 00:10:37,616
- Mm.
- Marcie not so much.
291
00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:38,751
Oh.
292
00:10:38,785 --> 00:10:40,553
It's not that I don't like them, okay?
293
00:10:40,587 --> 00:10:42,889
It's just that the noise
takes me out of the game.
294
00:10:42,923 --> 00:10:44,857
It's that...
[Imitates buzzing]
295
00:10:44,892 --> 00:10:45,858
Or...
[Humming]
296
00:10:45,893 --> 00:10:47,126
Whatever.
[Laughs]
297
00:10:47,161 --> 00:10:51,498
Okay, so I tried
to control the noise factor
298
00:10:51,532 --> 00:10:54,968
by suggesting that perhaps we
incorporate something quieter.
299
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,636
Dildo, perhaps.
300
00:10:56,670 --> 00:10:58,538
Uh, she balks.
301
00:10:58,572 --> 00:11:01,641
Baby, why would I need a dildo
when I have you?
302
00:11:01,675 --> 00:11:03,710
- Well, that's nice.
- That's crazy.
303
00:11:03,744 --> 00:11:06,446
I mean, back
in the Runkle era, however...
304
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,815
[Laughter]
305
00:11:08,849 --> 00:11:11,651
I really could have probably
benefitted from something
306
00:11:11,685 --> 00:11:14,320
with some girth, some--
just fold it over
307
00:11:14,354 --> 00:11:16,155
a couple of times, something!
308
00:11:16,189 --> 00:11:17,490
Don't speak ill of my boy
when he's not here
309
00:11:17,524 --> 00:11:18,524
to defend himself.
310
00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:20,293
Innocent until proven diminutive.
311
00:11:20,328 --> 00:11:21,428
That's what I would say.
312
00:11:21,462 --> 00:11:22,762
You fill me up, baby.
313
00:11:22,797 --> 00:11:24,965
That is exactly how I feel about Hank.
314
00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:26,599
- Oh, Jesus.
- He fills me up.
315
00:11:26,634 --> 00:11:29,736
- Carrie, come on, just--
- What? We're talking.
316
00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:31,972
We're all talking frankly about sex.
317
00:11:32,006 --> 00:11:33,340
Yes, but it's not encounter group.
318
00:11:33,374 --> 00:11:35,509
You don't have to
talk quite so frankly.
319
00:11:35,544 --> 00:11:37,878
That's all right, Carrie,
I'll talk frankly about sex.
320
00:11:37,913 --> 00:11:39,080
Yeah, I'll talk frankly about dildos.
321
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,181
I'm no stranger.
322
00:11:40,215 --> 00:11:42,550
A man's anus is an erogenous zone.
323
00:11:42,584 --> 00:11:43,718
Oh, my God.
324
00:11:43,752 --> 00:11:44,819
There's certainly nothing gay about
325
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,221
having one's prostate stimulated.
326
00:11:46,255 --> 00:11:47,256
Oh, is that right?
327
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,690
Sounds pretty gay to me, Batesy.
328
00:11:48,724 --> 00:11:49,991
Sounds about as gay as Tom Hanks
329
00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,592
in a white sailor's outfit.
330
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,094
I don't see it that way, Hank.
331
00:11:53,128 --> 00:11:56,363
You've inserted a dildo
into this man's gaping bunghole?
332
00:11:56,398 --> 00:11:58,265
Oh, you know me.
333
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,433
[Laughter]
334
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:00,467
I don't know if I'm proud of you
335
00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:02,636
or ashamed or just sad for humanity
336
00:12:02,670 --> 00:12:05,205
or maybe all three, I don't know.
337
00:12:05,239 --> 00:12:06,239
If the truth be known, no she hasn't.
338
00:12:06,273 --> 00:12:07,540
She's not comfortable with it.
339
00:12:07,574 --> 00:12:08,942
Thank you.
340
00:12:08,976 --> 00:12:10,143
And I'm not comfortable
with anything my bride's
341
00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:11,644
not comfortable with.
342
00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:13,313
- That's nice, that's nice.
- Oh, that's nice.
343
00:12:13,347 --> 00:12:14,881
Besides, that was a long time ago.
344
00:12:14,915 --> 00:12:17,017
Boundaries were
pretty blurry back then.
345
00:12:17,051 --> 00:12:18,284
Oh, yeah, that was the gay '90s, huh?
346
00:12:18,318 --> 00:12:19,852
[Whispering] What is wrong with you?
347
00:12:19,886 --> 00:12:21,987
It seems like it was raining
cock back then, was it?
348
00:12:22,022 --> 00:12:23,422
Hey, I would do that for you.
349
00:12:23,456 --> 00:12:26,425
I would stimulate your prostate
with pride and zero prejudice.
350
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,295
That's really sweet of you, thank you.
351
00:12:29,329 --> 00:12:31,230
Oh, come on, Hank.
You've never experimented?
352
00:12:31,265 --> 00:12:34,100
No circle jerks?
No towel snapping incidents?
353
00:12:34,134 --> 00:12:36,936
Sword fights, perhaps?
[Laughs]
354
00:12:36,971 --> 00:12:39,940
♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪
355
00:12:39,974 --> 00:12:44,011
♪ na na na na na na na na ♪
356
00:12:44,045 --> 00:12:46,948
♪ na na na na na na na na ♪
357
00:12:46,982 --> 00:12:50,417
♪ na na na na na na na na ♪
358
00:12:50,452 --> 00:12:53,420
♪ You've got your mother in a whirl ♪
359
00:12:53,454 --> 00:12:55,122
♪ 'cause she's not sure
if you're a boy or a girl ♪
360
00:12:55,156 --> 00:12:56,390
That was a pretty big one.
361
00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:57,892
Hm? What?
362
00:12:57,926 --> 00:12:58,893
That silence.
363
00:12:58,927 --> 00:13:02,364
That incredibly awkward silence.
364
00:13:02,399 --> 00:13:03,999
It's our third of the night, you know?
365
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,200
Really?
366
00:13:05,235 --> 00:13:08,104
Uh, I wasn't counting.
367
00:13:08,138 --> 00:13:09,272
But you know what?
368
00:13:09,306 --> 00:13:11,908
I really think awkward silences
get a bad rap.
369
00:13:11,943 --> 00:13:16,980
Because, uh, who really
has that much to say?
370
00:13:17,014 --> 00:13:18,815
Don't worry, you
don't have to make excuses.
371
00:13:18,849 --> 00:13:20,617
- I'm sure it's my fault.
- Don't be silly.
372
00:13:20,651 --> 00:13:21,618
I'm not being silly.
373
00:13:21,652 --> 00:13:23,920
I just--
I'm out of practice.
374
00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:26,389
I haven't been out on a proper date
375
00:13:26,423 --> 00:13:27,857
in a long time.
376
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,058
Tell me about it.
377
00:13:29,092 --> 00:13:30,526
Well, he took me to medieval times,
378
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:32,461
but the guy was a little handsy.
379
00:13:32,496 --> 00:13:34,730
I mean, he just kept
putting his hand up my skirt
380
00:13:34,764 --> 00:13:37,099
during the jousting,
which would have been fine.
381
00:13:37,134 --> 00:13:40,470
It's just that, you know,
you eat with your hands.
382
00:13:40,504 --> 00:13:43,072
And he'd been really
fingering his chicken.
383
00:13:43,107 --> 00:13:44,073
Okay.
384
00:13:44,108 --> 00:13:46,042
[Laughter]
385
00:13:52,050 --> 00:13:53,251
Four and counting.
386
00:13:53,285 --> 00:13:56,954
Okay, okay, okay,
look, we can just either,
387
00:13:56,988 --> 00:14:00,557
you know, cash in our chips,
go our separate ways right now,
388
00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:03,727
or we can decide to power through
389
00:14:03,761 --> 00:14:05,863
and find some common ground.
390
00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:07,231
- I'm game if you're game.
- Sure!
391
00:14:07,265 --> 00:14:08,699
- What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm game.
392
00:14:08,733 --> 00:14:11,502
- I like your spirit, Charlie.
- Okay.
393
00:14:11,536 --> 00:14:13,671
So how do you know Lizzie?
394
00:14:13,705 --> 00:14:15,139
She's in my book club.
395
00:14:15,173 --> 00:14:17,441
Awesome! Books!
Excellent topic.
396
00:14:17,476 --> 00:14:18,609
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
397
00:14:18,643 --> 00:14:20,211
How do you like to read these days?
398
00:14:20,245 --> 00:14:22,480
Digital age and what not?
Nook? iPad?
399
00:14:22,514 --> 00:14:23,681
I'm a Nook girl!
400
00:14:23,715 --> 00:14:25,516
Okay, well, you're
looking at an iPad guy.
401
00:14:25,551 --> 00:14:26,951
What are you reading right now?
402
00:14:26,985 --> 00:14:29,287
What is on your virtual bookshelf?
403
00:14:29,321 --> 00:14:31,856
Oh, uh, Blood Mountain,
by Richard Bates.
404
00:14:31,890 --> 00:14:33,057
Have you read it?
Oh, my God.
405
00:14:33,091 --> 00:14:34,158
It is so dirty.
406
00:14:34,193 --> 00:14:37,262
I sold the film rights.
407
00:14:37,296 --> 00:14:39,030
You're shitting me.
408
00:14:39,064 --> 00:14:40,632
You know what I think we're
looking at right here, Mary?
409
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:42,867
I think it's a little something
they call...
410
00:14:42,902 --> 00:14:44,569
common ground.
411
00:14:44,603 --> 00:14:45,737
- Up high.
- Oh!
412
00:14:45,771 --> 00:14:47,139
My hands are a little sweaty.
413
00:14:47,173 --> 00:14:49,508
You know that the average
length of sexual intercourse
414
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,543
is only 2 1/2 minutes.
415
00:14:51,577 --> 00:14:53,345
Yeah, well, that means
nothing when you're tantric.
416
00:14:53,379 --> 00:14:54,546
I'm working on that.
417
00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,147
Well, it's a long journey, my friend.
418
00:14:56,182 --> 00:14:57,549
Mm.
419
00:14:57,583 --> 00:14:58,583
Well worth it in the end.
420
00:14:58,618 --> 00:14:59,918
Look, after a couple of decades
421
00:14:59,952 --> 00:15:01,453
with prima-Charlie,
anything longer
422
00:15:01,487 --> 00:15:03,622
than a Ramones song
seems like tantric sex to me.
423
00:15:03,656 --> 00:15:04,823
[Laughs]
424
00:15:04,857 --> 00:15:06,458
I hadn't released a batch in 14 years.
425
00:15:06,492 --> 00:15:08,927
- Ew!
- What's wrong with you?
426
00:15:08,961 --> 00:15:10,128
Nothing.
427
00:15:10,162 --> 00:15:11,496
It happens on the inside.
Tell them, Karen.
428
00:15:11,530 --> 00:15:15,167
- I can't--oh, my God.
- She was insulted at first.
429
00:15:15,201 --> 00:15:16,635
Thought she was doing something wrong.
430
00:15:16,669 --> 00:15:18,938
But God damn it, she wasn't.
She was doing everything right.
431
00:15:18,972 --> 00:15:20,172
Check please.
432
00:15:20,206 --> 00:15:22,441
I mean, she was
making me explode, but up here.
433
00:15:22,475 --> 00:15:23,576
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
434
00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:24,844
Ew.
435
00:15:24,878 --> 00:15:27,013
When we make love
it is like a Fourth of July
436
00:15:27,048 --> 00:15:30,384
fireworks display in the
screening room that is my mind.
437
00:15:30,418 --> 00:15:32,252
I don't get this whole
tantric sex dealio.
438
00:15:32,287 --> 00:15:35,256
Sex should have a very strict
three-act structure.
439
00:15:35,290 --> 00:15:36,657
Beginning, middle, and end.
440
00:15:36,691 --> 00:15:39,393
Maybe a third act twist thrown
in there for good measure.
441
00:15:39,427 --> 00:15:40,861
Well, listen,
Hank is an incredible lover.
442
00:15:40,895 --> 00:15:42,563
Oh, for fuck's sake, Carrie.
Come on.
443
00:15:42,597 --> 00:15:44,231
- [Laughs]
- I'm fine with it.
444
00:15:44,265 --> 00:15:45,398
- She knows.
- Oh.
445
00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:47,634
No, you and Karen had
a tremendous sex life.
446
00:15:47,668 --> 00:15:49,035
What?
I never said that.
447
00:15:49,070 --> 00:15:50,504
I'm glad she was
fulfilled in that way.
448
00:15:50,538 --> 00:15:51,872
A blind man could see it.
449
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:53,107
If it sets the bar higher for me,
450
00:15:53,141 --> 00:15:54,609
so much the better.
451
00:15:54,643 --> 00:15:57,044
There's no resting on one's
laurels in this household.
452
00:15:57,079 --> 00:15:59,548
- Or in that bedroom.
- I gotta say something.
453
00:15:59,582 --> 00:16:02,183
My man is a pretty
fabulous fucking lover.
454
00:16:02,218 --> 00:16:03,952
I just--
I gotta put that out there.
455
00:16:03,986 --> 00:16:06,388
We're sharing.
I love you.
456
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:07,423
You know,
I gotta tell ya--
457
00:16:07,457 --> 00:16:08,657
I could eat this woman for dessert.
458
00:16:08,692 --> 00:16:09,759
Aw!
459
00:16:09,793 --> 00:16:11,861
Can we stop with
all this lover bullshit?
460
00:16:11,895 --> 00:16:13,396
This is creeping me out.
461
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,264
The next thing I know
one of you freaks
462
00:16:15,298 --> 00:16:19,235
is gonna suggest group sex.
463
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,904
What is wrong with you people?
464
00:16:21,938 --> 00:16:24,573
- Mm.
- Mm--Charlie.
465
00:16:24,607 --> 00:16:25,674
Mm? Yeah?
466
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:26,675
I have to tell you something.
467
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:27,909
No, I know, I know.
468
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:29,344
It unhooks in the front.
469
00:16:29,378 --> 00:16:30,612
I always get it mixed up.
470
00:16:30,646 --> 00:16:31,880
No, no, not that.
471
00:16:31,914 --> 00:16:33,948
No, it's just--
uh, I've never done this before.
472
00:16:33,982 --> 00:16:36,484
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, I'm not judging you.
473
00:16:36,518 --> 00:16:37,518
No.
474
00:16:37,553 --> 00:16:38,753
Mm--no,
you don't understand.
475
00:16:38,787 --> 00:16:40,221
I--
476
00:16:40,256 --> 00:16:42,624
I'm a virgin.
477
00:16:42,658 --> 00:16:44,126
What?
478
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,727
I've never had sex.
479
00:16:45,762 --> 00:16:46,995
Never?
480
00:16:47,030 --> 00:16:48,097
Ever?
481
00:16:48,131 --> 00:16:50,533
Okay, well...
482
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:54,170
I let my friend Lindsay
finger me in seventh grade.
483
00:16:54,204 --> 00:16:56,638
And it was not nearly as hot
as it sounds.
484
00:16:56,673 --> 00:17:01,009
I mean, uh, she was
morbidly obese and smelled like
485
00:17:01,043 --> 00:17:03,377
McDonald's French fries.
486
00:17:03,412 --> 00:17:05,880
She also farted in the middle of it.
487
00:17:05,914 --> 00:17:07,681
We don't have to do this.
488
00:17:07,716 --> 00:17:08,982
No, oh, no!
I didn't mean it that way.
489
00:17:09,017 --> 00:17:10,317
No, I wanna do this.
490
00:17:10,351 --> 00:17:13,486
I've been sitting around
waiting for Mr. Right
491
00:17:13,521 --> 00:17:17,591
and I just want
a Mr. Right Now to deflower me.
492
00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:20,194
And look,
for better or worse, Charlie,
493
00:17:20,228 --> 00:17:21,462
that's you.
494
00:17:21,497 --> 00:17:24,899
Oh, I want you to be
the first man on my moon.
495
00:17:24,934 --> 00:17:28,871
I don't wanna die a smelly,
stinky old virgin creature.
496
00:17:28,906 --> 00:17:32,008
You don't seem that stinky.
497
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:33,710
Thank you.
Ooh.
498
00:17:33,745 --> 00:17:35,445
Okay, this is really a lot to process.
499
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,647
I just--I don't know
how I feel about this.
500
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,249
Okay, well, I understand
501
00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:40,317
if you don't wanna do it.
502
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:42,385
Look, I--
503
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:44,821
I just--I don't know
what to do anymore.
504
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,922
I waited around
for Prince Charming forever...
505
00:17:46,957 --> 00:17:48,891
- Yeah, well.
- And he never showed.
506
00:17:48,925 --> 00:17:51,159
- Yeah.
- I have needs, Charlie.
507
00:17:51,194 --> 00:17:53,128
- Sure.
- Desires.
508
00:17:53,162 --> 00:17:54,996
I'm not a prude.
509
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:58,333
Yeah, I'll--
I'll do things.
510
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:01,370
Dirty things.
511
00:18:04,508 --> 00:18:07,343
You're blowing my mind right now.
512
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,980
Ravage me, Charlie!
Ravage me!
513
00:18:10,014 --> 00:18:12,816
Ooh! Ooh!
514
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:14,751
Oh, wow.
515
00:18:14,786 --> 00:18:17,922
[Passionate moans]
516
00:18:17,956 --> 00:18:20,158
- Unh!
- Oh!
517
00:18:20,192 --> 00:18:21,159
Oh, there you are.
518
00:18:21,193 --> 00:18:22,828
[British accent] Knocking at my door!
519
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:24,062
Unh!
520
00:18:24,097 --> 00:18:26,165
I can see that the king
has sent you, my liege,
521
00:18:26,199 --> 00:18:28,968
to collect my hymen
and I shall bequeath it to you!
522
00:18:29,002 --> 00:18:30,303
Oh, wow!
523
00:18:30,337 --> 00:18:32,272
- That feels good!
- Unh!
524
00:18:32,306 --> 00:18:34,474
- Oh, entrez vous!
- Unh!
525
00:18:34,509 --> 00:18:36,977
Push it in! Go get it!
Go and don't be afraid.
526
00:18:37,011 --> 00:18:38,979
- Unh!
- Ah!
527
00:18:39,013 --> 00:18:40,780
Wha--what's happening?
528
00:18:40,814 --> 00:18:43,383
What?
What happened to your little--?
529
00:18:43,417 --> 00:18:46,586
Oh, I see what's going on.
You're not attracted to me.
530
00:18:46,621 --> 00:18:47,654
I mean, how could you be?
531
00:18:47,688 --> 00:18:49,389
No!
532
00:18:49,423 --> 00:18:52,592
No, it's not you, it's just--
it's--it's a lot of pressure
533
00:18:52,626 --> 00:18:53,626
to be someone's first.
534
00:18:53,661 --> 00:18:56,496
- I'm--I'm sorry.
- Ugh.
535
00:18:56,530 --> 00:18:57,497
I--
536
00:18:57,531 --> 00:18:59,232
I feel so ashamed.
537
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:02,235
You should be.
538
00:19:02,269 --> 00:19:04,171
Oh.
539
00:19:04,205 --> 00:19:05,906
Shame boner.
540
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:06,974
It's back.
541
00:19:07,008 --> 00:19:09,076
Oh, so it is.
542
00:19:09,110 --> 00:19:11,545
- Do you still wanna?
- Sure, okay.
543
00:19:11,579 --> 00:19:13,514
- Okay?
- Yeah, let's do it.
544
00:19:13,548 --> 00:19:15,916
Okay.
545
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,651
Okay, yeah.
546
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:20,186
[Passionate moan]
547
00:19:20,221 --> 00:19:24,824
Ow!
548
00:19:24,858 --> 00:19:28,094
- Aah!
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
549
00:19:28,129 --> 00:19:32,266
- [Grunts]
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
550
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,267
[Exhales]
551
00:19:34,302 --> 00:19:35,469
[Grunts]
552
00:19:35,503 --> 00:19:37,404
Oh...
553
00:19:37,438 --> 00:19:40,173
Ugh.
554
00:19:40,207 --> 00:19:42,842
Whoa.
555
00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:45,011
That's it?
556
00:19:45,045 --> 00:19:48,180
Yeah, pretty much.
557
00:19:48,214 --> 00:19:50,348
That's how a lot of first times are.
558
00:19:50,382 --> 00:19:55,653
[Crying]
559
00:19:55,687 --> 00:19:57,655
I don't think anal sex
gets enough credit.
560
00:19:57,689 --> 00:19:59,523
I mean, I used to think
it was good, dirty fun.
561
00:19:59,557 --> 00:20:00,758
Extra cream in mine.
562
00:20:00,792 --> 00:20:01,993
Now I think it's about something else.
563
00:20:02,027 --> 00:20:03,194
I think it's about something more.
564
00:20:03,228 --> 00:20:04,295
- Intimacy.
- Mm-hm.
565
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,530
I mean, to go in through the out door
566
00:20:06,564 --> 00:20:09,133
is maybe the most beautiful act
known to God or man.
567
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,668
- I agree. I agree. I agree.
- Uh.
568
00:20:11,703 --> 00:20:13,036
Listen, in fact I have a lot to say
569
00:20:13,071 --> 00:20:14,071
on the subject.
570
00:20:14,105 --> 00:20:15,940
Becca!
Thank God.
571
00:20:15,974 --> 00:20:17,642
- Hi, Beckers.
- Where you been?
572
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,744
Uh, nowhere special.
573
00:20:19,779 --> 00:20:23,015
Nowhere special with whom, perchance?
574
00:20:23,049 --> 00:20:24,716
If you must know, Tyler.
575
00:20:24,751 --> 00:20:26,886
No, you're not ser--
you're not serious.
576
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:27,954
Are you serious?
577
00:20:27,988 --> 00:20:29,422
What?
578
00:20:29,456 --> 00:20:30,890
I thought you said that was
over, you were done with him.
579
00:20:30,924 --> 00:20:32,726
- That was it.
- I was.
580
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,594
But he kept texting me, so I cracked
581
00:20:34,628 --> 00:20:36,029
and texted him back.
582
00:20:36,063 --> 00:20:37,330
It was good, we cleared the air.
583
00:20:37,364 --> 00:20:38,898
So that's it?
It's back on?
584
00:20:38,932 --> 00:20:42,034
- That--that's it.
- Not necessarily.
585
00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:44,069
It took you so long to get over him.
586
00:20:44,103 --> 00:20:45,904
What, you're just
gonna go forgive him?
587
00:20:45,938 --> 00:20:47,172
Yeah.
588
00:20:47,206 --> 00:20:48,606
I wonder where I got that from.
589
00:20:48,641 --> 00:20:51,108
Hey, hey, that's no way
to talk to your moth--Becca.
590
00:20:51,143 --> 00:20:52,109
- Whatever.
- She's right.
591
00:20:52,144 --> 00:20:53,110
She's absolutely right.
592
00:20:53,145 --> 00:20:54,311
No, she's not right.
593
00:20:54,346 --> 00:20:55,713
And even if she were,
you're her parent.
594
00:20:55,747 --> 00:20:58,383
It's your job to
make her feel like she's wrong.
595
00:20:58,417 --> 00:21:00,318
- That's fucked up.
- No, you know what's fucked up?
596
00:21:00,353 --> 00:21:01,920
Is her getting back into the snake pit
597
00:21:01,955 --> 00:21:03,823
with that D'Artagnan-looking
motherfucker
598
00:21:03,857 --> 00:21:06,192
with his hair and his fucking--
his facial hair.
599
00:21:06,226 --> 00:21:08,027
It's unsavory is what it is.
600
00:21:08,061 --> 00:21:09,095
It's not funny.
601
00:21:09,129 --> 00:21:10,396
Do you wanna talk about this later?
602
00:21:10,431 --> 00:21:11,998
Why? So we can get back
to talking about anal
603
00:21:12,032 --> 00:21:13,666
with the Kinsey Report over here?
604
00:21:13,701 --> 00:21:15,668
Watch your tone, Hank.
The woman you're disrespecting
605
00:21:15,703 --> 00:21:16,936
is currently under my jurisdiction.
606
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:18,304
Mind your business, Batesy.
607
00:21:18,338 --> 00:21:20,573
We happen to be talking about
a child that we share.
608
00:21:20,607 --> 00:21:22,874
Keep it up, sweetheart,
and you and I are gonna end up
609
00:21:22,909 --> 00:21:23,909
back on that dance floor, you hear me?
610
00:21:23,943 --> 00:21:25,410
Oh, I hear you, dick.
611
00:21:25,444 --> 00:21:28,079
And I'd be happy to dance
with you anytime, anywhere,
612
00:21:28,113 --> 00:21:29,413
you pansexual fucking weirdo.
613
00:21:29,447 --> 00:21:31,448
Looks like I'm getting
your Irish up there, son.
614
00:21:31,482 --> 00:21:32,916
No, not at all.
Care for a drink?
615
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:34,183
You'd probably like that,
wouldn't you?
616
00:21:34,218 --> 00:21:35,852
I would, let's see
that fucking mangina.
617
00:21:35,886 --> 00:21:38,822
You wanna eat my peach,
I'll bust her out right now.
618
00:21:38,857 --> 00:21:40,124
Guys, it's really nice
to be fought over
619
00:21:40,158 --> 00:21:42,159
but, you know,
let's not ruin the bromance.
620
00:21:42,193 --> 00:21:43,227
Oh, my God!
621
00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:44,328
This is never going anywhere, is it?
622
00:21:44,363 --> 00:21:45,830
- What?
- You!
623
00:21:45,865 --> 00:21:47,565
You're never gonna be able
to commit to another woman!
624
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,169
Carrie, this is neither
the time nor the place.
625
00:21:50,203 --> 00:21:51,537
Actually, it's kind of hilarious.
626
00:21:51,572 --> 00:21:53,706
I came here thinking that
I was gonna try and convince you
627
00:21:53,741 --> 00:21:55,108
to give it another try.
628
00:21:55,142 --> 00:21:56,175
- You know what's hilarious?
- What?
629
00:21:56,210 --> 00:21:57,844
Is the fact that we broke up.
630
00:21:57,878 --> 00:21:59,578
And you set my apartment on fire!
631
00:21:59,613 --> 00:22:01,614
Okay, but you know what the
best part about all this is?
632
00:22:01,648 --> 00:22:03,516
Is that this whole time I was thinking
633
00:22:03,551 --> 00:22:04,717
that this was my fault.
634
00:22:04,751 --> 00:22:06,218
I thought there was
something wrong with me.
635
00:22:06,253 --> 00:22:09,221
But it's you.
636
00:22:09,256 --> 00:22:10,456
You're a loser, Hank.
637
00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:11,790
All your friends here,
638
00:22:11,825 --> 00:22:13,592
they all have love in their
lives, they've moved on.
639
00:22:13,626 --> 00:22:16,361
But you, you have--
you have nothing.
640
00:22:16,396 --> 00:22:17,963
Wow.
641
00:22:17,997 --> 00:22:19,498
Cheers, thank you.
642
00:22:19,532 --> 00:22:20,633
Congratulations, Karen.
643
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,768
I don't know how you did it,
but--
644
00:22:22,802 --> 00:22:23,769
Well...What?
645
00:22:23,803 --> 00:22:24,836
What do you mean?
646
00:22:24,871 --> 00:22:26,872
Carrie, I'm sorry you got hurt.
647
00:22:26,906 --> 00:22:28,873
I thought we had an understanding.
648
00:22:28,908 --> 00:22:29,908
I thought you understood me.
649
00:22:29,942 --> 00:22:31,442
You fucked me in the ass, Hank!
650
00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:33,444
- Oh, my God.
- I swallowed your cum.
651
00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:34,712
[Sighs]
652
00:22:34,746 --> 00:22:38,048
But worst of all I
swallowed your fucking bullshit.
653
00:22:38,083 --> 00:22:40,050
And you can rationalize it
all you want by saying that
654
00:22:40,085 --> 00:22:44,221
you were always honest with me,
655
00:22:44,255 --> 00:22:47,490
but it's still stealing.
656
00:23:04,643 --> 00:23:05,777
Are you okay?
657
00:23:05,811 --> 00:23:07,278
Mm.
658
00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:11,083
Just licking my wounds.
659
00:23:11,117 --> 00:23:14,120
Marcy and Stu will give you a ride.
660
00:23:14,155 --> 00:23:16,389
Or you could spend the night with us.
661
00:23:16,423 --> 00:23:19,425
Yeah, I think I'd rather
go noose shopping, actually.
662
00:23:19,459 --> 00:23:24,096
Well, that's a shame.
We'll miss you.
663
00:23:24,130 --> 00:23:26,064
Chick really leveled me, didn't she?
664
00:23:26,098 --> 00:23:29,600
Yeah, she got you pretty bad.
665
00:23:29,635 --> 00:23:32,202
Took me back
to some of our greatest hits.
666
00:23:32,237 --> 00:23:35,238
Oh, how I miss our fights of fancy.
667
00:23:35,273 --> 00:23:38,575
- Oh, how I don't.
- [Laughs]
668
00:23:38,610 --> 00:23:41,078
You know, when you and Bates
got together I was kinda happy
669
00:23:41,113 --> 00:23:42,680
'cause I thought "It's fucking lunacy,"
670
00:23:42,715 --> 00:23:44,516
this is never gonna work,"
but it does.
671
00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:47,152
I guess.
Kind of.
672
00:23:47,186 --> 00:23:50,623
It's been kind of nice
in a way though.
673
00:23:50,657 --> 00:23:52,057
[Sighs]
674
00:23:52,092 --> 00:23:54,794
Not having to watch you
fall in love with someone else.
675
00:23:54,829 --> 00:23:56,229
Mm.
676
00:23:56,264 --> 00:23:58,598
But I don't want you to be lonely.
677
00:23:58,633 --> 00:24:00,500
Aw, pshaw.
I ain't lonely.
678
00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:02,869
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
679
00:24:02,903 --> 00:24:04,370
You're like this little boy lost.
680
00:24:04,404 --> 00:24:06,872
You kind of--it didn't
work out between us
681
00:24:06,907 --> 00:24:08,341
and you're still pouting.
682
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:11,110
You picked up your ball
and you run home
683
00:24:11,144 --> 00:24:14,280
and you're never ever gonna
play with anyone else again.
684
00:24:14,314 --> 00:24:15,981
Yeah, well, I guess being in New York
685
00:24:16,015 --> 00:24:18,216
makes it easier to forget that I still
686
00:24:18,251 --> 00:24:21,787
love the shit out of you, Karen.
687
00:24:21,822 --> 00:24:23,222
Yeah, wow.
688
00:24:23,256 --> 00:24:26,292
I said that out loud, didn't I?
689
00:24:26,326 --> 00:24:28,494
So?
690
00:24:28,528 --> 00:24:30,863
I still love you.
I always will.
691
00:24:30,897 --> 00:24:32,464
Till the day I die.
692
00:24:32,498 --> 00:24:35,568
But at some point
I had to choose happiness.
693
00:24:35,602 --> 00:24:37,003
I have to make that a priority.
694
00:24:37,037 --> 00:24:40,273
I mean--and now I'm
with someone who understands
695
00:24:40,307 --> 00:24:41,675
that I will never stop loving you.
696
00:24:41,709 --> 00:24:43,877
And that makes me happier
than I've ever been.
697
00:24:43,911 --> 00:24:46,447
Good.
[Laughs]
698
00:24:46,482 --> 00:24:49,384
That's fantastic.
699
00:24:49,418 --> 00:24:51,486
She's right, you're wonderful.
700
00:24:51,521 --> 00:24:53,989
You are,
and when women get to know you,
701
00:24:54,023 --> 00:24:57,292
you know, of course they want more.
702
00:24:57,327 --> 00:24:59,795
But it's kinda cruel to let them think
703
00:24:59,829 --> 00:25:02,697
that they can have it when really...
704
00:25:02,732 --> 00:25:04,032
it's just no more than a hologram.
705
00:25:04,066 --> 00:25:05,868
Contrary to popular belief,
I'm not out there
706
00:25:05,902 --> 00:25:08,370
- trying to hurt anyone, Karen.
- I know.
707
00:25:08,404 --> 00:25:11,173
But what do you think Becca's
suffering from right now?
708
00:25:11,207 --> 00:25:14,577
Some guy, good or bad,
he's charmed his way
709
00:25:14,611 --> 00:25:18,581
into her heart,
and obviously she wants more.
710
00:25:18,616 --> 00:25:20,217
You're trying to tell me
that I've given her
711
00:25:20,251 --> 00:25:21,985
some kind of horrible daddy complex?
712
00:25:22,019 --> 00:25:23,520
No, no, don't worry about her.
713
00:25:23,554 --> 00:25:24,855
I'm talking about you.
714
00:25:24,889 --> 00:25:28,091
Worry about yourself.
715
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:30,227
'Cause if really--
if all your life is
716
00:25:30,261 --> 00:25:35,832
is a series of fucking
meaningless...flings...
717
00:25:35,866 --> 00:25:40,169
and some idealized
vision of our love story...
718
00:25:42,473 --> 00:25:44,373
Then I'm really sad for you.
719
00:25:44,407 --> 00:25:46,509
Because I know what you're capable of.
720
00:25:46,543 --> 00:25:47,797
Yeah, well, what if you're wrong?
721
00:25:47,917 --> 00:25:49,332
What if this is it for me?
722
00:25:49,452 --> 00:25:51,247
What if I'm just destined
to sit around and wait
723
00:25:51,281 --> 00:25:52,963
for the band to get back together?
724
00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,550
You'll be waiting on a miracle.
725
00:26:03,793 --> 00:26:05,661
♪ Faithfully ♪
726
00:26:12,535 --> 00:26:17,405
♪ restless hearts ♪
727
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,830
♪ sleep alone tonight ♪
728
00:26:20,206 --> 00:26:30,533
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com