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Previously on Californication...
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I have decided to go abroad,
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for an indeterminate amount of time.
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I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
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Watching her go, I don't know,
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it kind of feels like the end of something.
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It makes you wonder if she was
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the only thing that was
still keeping us together.
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We're gettin' married.
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- Ahh!
- The Runkles!
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I now pronounce you wife and early man.
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What the fuck?
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Dude, I told you I never wanna see his ass
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on one of my sets ever again.
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Listen, this is a producer-driven medium,
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you ineffectual little shit bird.
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Shut the fuck up, both of you.
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I was just thinking about
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what I want for all the people in my life.
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And I realized that I
just want you to be happy.
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I wanna see you smile and know you mean it.
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Hank has to go.
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He's gotta see a horse about a girl.
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So this is about following your bliss?
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Is this about love?
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It is.
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Then you must go.
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Go and get her, pal.
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[Pete Townshend's Let
My Love Open the Door]
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[Knock at door]
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ To your heart ♪
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♪
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Karen, hello.
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What are you doing here?
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I thought you ran off with
the rock and roll circus.
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I did.
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But I came back for you.
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ Let me love open the door ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ To your heart ♪
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♪
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♪ When everything feels all ♪
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♪ When everybody seems unkind ♪
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♪ I'll give you a four-leaf clover ♪
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♪ Take all the worry out of your mind ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ To your heart ♪
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♪ To your heart ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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♪ When tragedy befalls you ♪
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♪ Don't let it drag you down ♪
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♪ Love can cure your problem ♪
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♪ You're so lucky I'm around ♪
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♪ Let my love open the door ♪
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Karen.
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Hello.
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What are you doing here?
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I-I thought you ran off
with a rock and roll circus.
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I did, but I came back for you.
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Oh.
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Well, I-I know it's overwhelming,
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disorienting even.
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But I couldn't be out there knowing that
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you were back here alone, by yourself.
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Getting older, by the way.
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[Shushes]
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Karen, I love you.
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I have always loved you,
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and I will always love you.
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But we need to resolve this shit,
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one way or the other.
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- Wouldn't you agree?
- Sure, sure, but...
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No, no buts.
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We gotta roll up our sleeves
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and do the work right now.
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I-I say we stay here
until we figure it out,
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or until we both get so
fuckin' horny we can't stand it.
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Either way, it's a win-win for both of us.
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Uh, hello.
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Dude, please, no, absolutely not.
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We are not sharing our table with you.
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What are you, European or something?
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- I'm sorry, should...
- Oh, no.
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I'm really sorry. This... This is...
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This is... What is this?
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Explain yourself, woman.
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Hank, this is Chris.
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He's in my yoga class. Oh, Jesus.
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And this is Hank. He's...
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He is? He is?
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From my life.
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Yoga class?
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That fuckin' old chestnut?
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Karen, please, come on.
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- Um, I-I'm sorry.
- You should be.
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Hey, what are we talking about here?
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Bikram?
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[Bad Indian accent] Who has
time to make time during Bikram?
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It's so fuckin' hot and farty in there.
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You ever let one loose in there, cowboy?
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I'm sure you have.
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It's hard not to let a little prairie dog
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run in through there, huh?
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Uh, why don't we do this another time?
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Now there's an idea.
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- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
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Yeah, don't be.
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Um, it's totally cool.
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I know where to find you.
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Stalker.
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Really nice to meet you, Hank.
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Pleasure was all mine, yoga man,
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all fuckin' mine, all day long.
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Bye-bye now.
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Namaste away, buddy boy.
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- Thanks.
- Look.
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This is what makes us fantastic.
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We're laughing about that creeper.
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What are you talking about?
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- He's totally hot.
- What?
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Westside yoga guy?
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That is the oldest
schtick in the book, Karen.
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You're not falling for that.
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His cum probably tastes like hummus.
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- Cummus.
- Hank...
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[Chuckles]
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Oh, my God.
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This is not going as I had hoped.
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[Upbeat music]
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♪
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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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[Rock music]
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- Hanky panky.
- Ahh.
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I thought I would find you here.
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One pear Cosmo-Tini, please, my good man.
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He's not kidding.
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And he's not gay anymore, entirely.
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No.
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I came back for her, Charlie.
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Yep, Atticus told me all about it.
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I ripped my heart out and
I threw it at her feet.
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And what did she give me in return?
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A shit sandwich to chew on.
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But enough of my harrowing despair.
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Tell me about your honeymoon.
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Did you crazy kids fuck
each other's faces off?
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Never mind all that. I got news.
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Don't tell me... another gnarly skin tag
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has sprouted up on the other side of that
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hideous little pouch you
like to call a scrotum.
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That, and Atticus just fired me.
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[Chuckles] Bummer.
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But not before he fired you too.
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That's impossible.
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That cunty little fuckin' ginger loves me.
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Mm-hmm.
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He was incredibly moved by my quest.
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Yes, he was. Yes, he was.
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And then he got incredibly bored.
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And your absence made him grow
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a hell of a lot fonder of Aaron Sorkin,
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who suddenly became incredibly available.
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Aaron Sorkin.
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Bringing your Broadway career
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to a sudden screeching halt.
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[Grunts]
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Okay, well, what now?
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I'm waitin'. Go on. Say it.
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- Come on, just say it already.
- Say what?
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- Say it.
- Oh, that.
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- Yeah.
- No, I won't say that.
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- Come on. Make me happy.
- I ca...
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It would be irresponsible of me, Hank.
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[Grunts]
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I do not have an offer for you.
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Oh, that's not entirely true, actually.
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Yeah, some kid keeps emailing me
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about wanting to interview you
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for his college newspaper or some shit.
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Oh, I need a fuckin' job, Charlie.
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- Yeah, so do I, Hank.
- I need to present myself
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to Karen as an adult male with a job,
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a hunter and a gatherer, a provider.
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Aw, you're sweet.
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And totally fuckin' naive.
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There are no jobs, Hank, not anymore.
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Why, you don't ask?
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Because you have pissed on and pissed off
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anyone and everyone
who's ever given you one.
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You have taken a shit on all of it, Hank...
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Books, movies, theater...
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- Well, what about television?
- What about it?
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I could shit on that.
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You don't even watch television.
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Doesn't mean I can't write it.
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What are we gonna do, Hank?
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It's all right. It's all right, baby boy.
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Tonight we drink.
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Tomorrow you start making some phone calls.
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An opportunity will present itself.
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If not, we can always stuff our pockets
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full with rocks and
walk hand-in-hand
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into the pacific.
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That sounds romantic.
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Speaking of romance,
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I wanna hear about your honeymoon.
213
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Did you give your aging
bride a kidney infection?
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No, really?
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Okay. Talk to me, buddy boy.
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Tell me all your woes.
217
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Dr. Hanxtable is most definitely in.
218
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Where's my bride?
219
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Marcy Runkle!
220
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♪ My beautiful bride ♪
221
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Cokey smurf.
222
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Are you serious right now?
223
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[Growls]
224
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This is just what we need, Charlie,
225
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a bad case of Whiskey dick.
226
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,127
- Oh, no Whiskey.
- Don't worry about it, Marce.
227
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,293
- I didn't drink any Whiskey.
- Dude's been slamming
228
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,492
pear Cosmo-Tinis all night long.
229
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- That's what I had.
- He probably grew
230
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a big lippy puss down there.
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I'm gonna fuck you so hard, Marcy.
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- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
233
00:09:01,893 --> 00:09:03,492
Yeah, let's not write any checks
234
00:09:03,525 --> 00:09:05,689
your limp biscuit can't cash, okay?
235
00:09:05,722 --> 00:09:07,287
- Hey, hey.
- Oh.
236
00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:08,526
Be gentle with the boy.
237
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He's delicate right now. What about me?
238
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I impulse remarried a depraved lunatic
239
00:09:13,091 --> 00:09:14,690
who can't even get it up for me.
240
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Aah.
241
00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,032
I know. It's not good.
242
00:09:18,065 --> 00:09:19,799
I'm sorry, Marcy, you deserve better.
243
00:09:19,832 --> 00:09:21,295
- Yeah, I do. I do.
- Hey, you guys.
244
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Bring it in. Take a knee.
245
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:25,739
Okay.
246
00:09:25,772 --> 00:09:28,581
You guys gotta get this
shit in perspective, okay?
247
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[Groans]
248
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I came back for the love of my life
249
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and she rejected me,
250
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which bums me out on many levels.
251
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Not the least of which
is that you fucktards
252
00:09:35,886 --> 00:09:38,189
got your shit together before we did.
253
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Now you, you're letting
your pasty white cone head
254
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get in the way of the prime directive.
255
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Yours is not the reason why.
256
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Yours is to seek and destroy
her shimmering snatch.
257
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Don't be fuckin' with her elf-esteem.
258
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Aw, thanks, Hanky.
259
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And she's got the magic vagina.
260
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You know you want it.
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I do want it.
262
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I'm gonna fuck your face off, Marcy.
263
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All right. All right.
264
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You're gonna fuckin'
be seeing fuckin' stars.
265
00:10:01,246 --> 00:10:02,780
- One step at a time.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
266
00:10:02,814 --> 00:10:04,843
Let's see if we can get some blood flowin'
267
00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:07,577
to that thin, bent wang of yours...
268
00:10:07,610 --> 00:10:09,176
- [Growls]
- Yes, baby.
269
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,812
Wait... Hank, stay.
270
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,546
You're not coming.
271
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:16,220
- [Pounding on door]
- [Groans]
272
00:10:16,253 --> 00:10:19,117
Whaaat...
273
00:10:19,158 --> 00:10:21,293
can I do for you?
274
00:10:21,326 --> 00:10:22,925
Settle down, dude. Are you Charlie Runkle?
275
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:24,924
Who's askin'?
276
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,026
My name's Levon. I've been
emailing you about Hank moody.
277
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,928
I want to interview him.
278
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:29,960
I don't know what you're talking about.
279
00:10:29,993 --> 00:10:31,959
I sent you, like, 20 emails.
280
00:10:31,992 --> 00:10:34,998
Wh... Why are you here? Who...
Who told you where I live?
281
00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:37,427
The Internet told me. You
got a pretty retarded name.
282
00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:38,594
Do you know how many Charlie Runkles
283
00:10:38,628 --> 00:10:39,898
there aren't in Los Angeles?
284
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,632
- You got the wrong Runkle, kid.
- You're lying.
285
00:10:42,665 --> 00:10:45,364
- [Phone beeps]
- That's you.
286
00:10:45,397 --> 00:10:47,763
You're the masturbating agent.
287
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:50,698
Look, whatever. If Hank's
into it, I'll be in touch.
288
00:10:50,731 --> 00:10:51,937
No, come on, man, can I meet him?
289
00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:54,936
- No! No, that's impossible.
- Please.
290
00:10:54,969 --> 00:10:55,969
What's the racket?
291
00:10:56,002 --> 00:10:58,107
How the fuck a brother supposed to get
292
00:10:58,140 --> 00:10:59,476
- some beauty sleep around here?
- That's him.
293
00:10:59,509 --> 00:11:01,276
- Y-you're him.
- Who?
294
00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:02,412
You're Hank Moody.
295
00:11:02,445 --> 00:11:05,150
Hank Moody I must be. Who you be?
296
00:11:05,183 --> 00:11:06,655
This would be Levon.
297
00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:07,992
He's the kid I've been telling you about.
298
00:11:08,025 --> 00:11:10,391
He wants to interview you
for his college newspaper.
299
00:11:10,424 --> 00:11:11,823
What the fuck, Runks? I
didn't tell you to set that up.
300
00:11:11,864 --> 00:11:14,097
You lying, fucking masturbating asshole.
301
00:11:14,130 --> 00:11:15,972
You did get my emails.
302
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:18,668
I like this kid. Levon,
huh? That's pretty groovy.
303
00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:19,972
Your parents big Elton John fans?
304
00:11:20,005 --> 00:11:22,981
- My mother.
- Must have good taste.
305
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:25,178
- That's debatable.
- [Phone rings]
306
00:11:25,211 --> 00:11:27,480
Hey, look, are you okay
with whatever this is?
307
00:11:27,513 --> 00:11:29,145
Yeah, it's fine.
308
00:11:29,179 --> 00:11:31,186
Come on in.
309
00:11:31,219 --> 00:11:32,650
Levon, you got 15 minutes.
310
00:11:32,683 --> 00:11:34,522
I want you out of here before I wake up.
311
00:11:34,555 --> 00:11:35,689
Now, what do you want to talk about?
312
00:11:35,722 --> 00:11:36,986
Okay, uh, right.
313
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,427
So, uh, where were you born?
314
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:40,795
Oh, you want to go way back.
315
00:11:40,827 --> 00:11:42,626
I was born and bred in the Bronx,
316
00:11:42,659 --> 00:11:43,857
but my parents moved to raise me
317
00:11:43,898 --> 00:11:45,530
like veal on the island of long,
318
00:11:45,563 --> 00:11:47,837
which ultimately inspired me to escape
319
00:11:47,870 --> 00:11:50,342
back to the big, bad wilds of the city
320
00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:52,277
as soon as I was vaguely able.
321
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:54,173
How many girlfriends have you had?
322
00:11:54,206 --> 00:11:55,710
Uh, a few?
323
00:11:55,743 --> 00:11:59,015
Uh, how many significant relationships?
324
00:11:59,048 --> 00:12:01,655
What, you writing my obituary?
325
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:04,222
Do you consider yourself a misogynist?
326
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:08,129
Not really. I mean, I'm
a big fan of "Womaninity".
327
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:12,463
I like it all... Y'know.
Big, fat, tall, short, small,
328
00:12:12,496 --> 00:12:15,138
white, black, yellow,
purple... Big fan of lady-ness.
329
00:12:15,171 --> 00:12:16,739
I thought you wanted to
talk about my writing.
330
00:12:16,772 --> 00:12:19,972
- I've read your books.
- And?
331
00:12:20,013 --> 00:12:22,012
Do you have any children?
332
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:23,180
Yeah, one, a daughter.
333
00:12:23,213 --> 00:12:27,215
Okay. Does she think that
you are a good father?
334
00:12:27,256 --> 00:12:28,752
I'm sure she has issues with the old man.
335
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,861
Do you think that you're
a good interviewer?
336
00:12:31,894 --> 00:12:33,828
How many hearts have
you broken in your life?
337
00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:36,099
Hey, kid, do you have a problem with me?
338
00:12:36,132 --> 00:12:38,132
Did I fuck your girlfriend or something?
339
00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:40,340
Hank! Hank, you were right!
340
00:12:40,373 --> 00:12:41,707
A new day has dawned,
341
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:43,138
and the opportunity has presented itself.
342
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:45,305
Come on, change your clothes.
We got ourselves a meeting.
343
00:12:45,338 --> 00:12:47,146
- Where? Where?
- I'll tell you on the way.
344
00:12:47,179 --> 00:12:48,475
Come on, let's go. You, kid, outta here.
345
00:12:48,516 --> 00:12:49,548
- Wait...
- Just...
346
00:12:49,581 --> 00:12:51,382
Can I... Can I come with you guys?
347
00:12:51,415 --> 00:12:52,455
It might be good for the article.
348
00:12:52,488 --> 00:12:54,592
You know what? We'll "re-shedule."
349
00:12:54,625 --> 00:12:57,290
Really great start today!
350
00:12:57,331 --> 00:12:59,130
Bye.
351
00:12:59,163 --> 00:13:00,329
[Laughs]
352
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,999
[Stage bell rings]
353
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,367
Just don't come off as one of those
354
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,072
snotty, pretentious fucks
who looks down on television.
355
00:13:08,105 --> 00:13:11,410
- Me? Never.
- How is it?
356
00:13:11,443 --> 00:13:13,411
To be honest, it's like
a colonoscopy of the mind.
357
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:14,980
Hank.
358
00:13:15,013 --> 00:13:17,485
But if he asks, I will tell
him it's "Totes fuckin' brill."
359
00:13:17,518 --> 00:13:19,517
I will be my absolute best self in there.
360
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:22,587
Good boy. It's weird seeing you like this.
361
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:24,551
- All driven and shit.
- [Laughs]
362
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,590
Funny how these things
come full circle, huh?
363
00:13:31,624 --> 00:13:34,493
When people are truly connected
364
00:13:34,526 --> 00:13:38,030
they can never truly escape each other.
365
00:13:38,063 --> 00:13:39,765
Speaking of which, how's Marcy?
366
00:13:39,798 --> 00:13:42,164
Good. Great.
367
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,269
Yeah. Just back from
the honeymoon, actually.
368
00:13:44,302 --> 00:13:45,269
Ah.
369
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,876
Gosh, Runkle, you really know
370
00:13:47,909 --> 00:13:49,372
how to kick a guy when he's down.
371
00:13:49,406 --> 00:13:53,616
I know exactly what that
woman is like on a honeymoon.
372
00:13:53,649 --> 00:13:57,887
Our magnificent sex organs
were fused ten days straight.
373
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,485
I couldn't stand not being inside of her.
374
00:14:00,518 --> 00:14:03,124
I walked around the hotel
room and... [Snaps] Boom.
375
00:14:03,157 --> 00:14:04,123
Right there on my jock.
376
00:14:04,156 --> 00:14:06,724
Steady, Runks.
377
00:14:06,757 --> 00:14:09,326
Hey kid, nice to see you. How you doing?
378
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,366
Oh, I'm great, Moody.
379
00:14:11,399 --> 00:14:13,962
Last we met, I was directing
Santa Monica Cop the movie,
380
00:14:13,995 --> 00:14:15,634
now I'm peripherally involved
381
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,598
with Santa Monica Cop the TV show.
382
00:14:18,631 --> 00:14:20,429
So things are going really
well for me. Thanks for asking.
383
00:14:20,462 --> 00:14:21,967
Shit. What the fuck happened?
Where'd you go wrong?
384
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,441
I recall things going to shit
385
00:14:24,474 --> 00:14:26,347
somewhere around the time you showed up.
386
00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:28,042
Oh, pshaw. The very idea.
387
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,610
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
388
00:14:29,643 --> 00:14:32,114
let us not rehash ancient history, right?
389
00:14:32,147 --> 00:14:34,850
Okay, Sam went off the rails,
390
00:14:34,883 --> 00:14:37,218
they shut the picture down,
391
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,690
my beloved wife divorced me.
392
00:14:38,723 --> 00:14:41,689
But did I wallow?
393
00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:44,297
Well, yeah. Sure.
394
00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:47,129
But then I picked myself the fuck up,
395
00:14:47,162 --> 00:14:49,698
I dusted myself off,
396
00:14:49,731 --> 00:14:52,907
and I sold that messy,
late-term abortion as a TV pilot.
397
00:14:52,940 --> 00:14:54,506
Because that is what a producer does.
398
00:14:54,539 --> 00:14:56,840
He takes a sudden burst of rain
399
00:14:56,872 --> 00:14:59,070
and turns it into a golden shower.
400
00:14:59,103 --> 00:15:01,606
[Door opens]
401
00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:05,142
Quiet.
402
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:06,446
Writers start talking shit about you
403
00:15:06,479 --> 00:15:07,844
the second you leave the room.
404
00:15:07,877 --> 00:15:11,651
I want to know whose option not
to pick up when the time comes.
405
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:15,677
Rosenberg.
406
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:18,415
You fuckin' dick.
407
00:15:18,448 --> 00:15:22,562
You'll get yours. Heh! Very nice.
408
00:15:22,595 --> 00:15:26,959
Try paying for private
school next year with no job.
409
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,127
You must be Hank.
410
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,894
Henry James moody the first.
411
00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:33,228
Rick Rath. Call me Rath.
412
00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:35,897
Who are you? Why are
you here? I'm his agent.
413
00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:38,803
He likes to make sure I don't
use my feces as a crayon.
414
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:41,467
Take a walk. You guys too. Get out.
415
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,473
Leave us alone. Talent only.
416
00:15:44,506 --> 00:15:45,769
Remember what I told you.
417
00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:47,705
Guy's a monster. Leave us alone.
418
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:52,114
- Just a fucking monster.
- Talent only.
419
00:15:53,515 --> 00:15:55,143
I'm not gonna hire you, Hank.
420
00:15:55,184 --> 00:15:56,815
Really?
421
00:15:56,848 --> 00:15:58,350
Yeah.
422
00:15:58,383 --> 00:16:00,212
You don't even want to hear
what I think about the script?
423
00:16:00,253 --> 00:16:02,052
I mean, I had a whole speech
prepared and everything,
424
00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:04,219
followed by a PowerPoint presentation
425
00:16:04,252 --> 00:16:06,984
and a brief but very moving puppet show.
426
00:16:07,017 --> 00:16:09,255
Stu had asked me to sit down with you,
427
00:16:09,288 --> 00:16:11,055
I-I admit I was intrigued,
428
00:16:11,088 --> 00:16:14,021
but then I did my due diligence.
429
00:16:14,054 --> 00:16:16,491
And every single person I reached out to
430
00:16:16,524 --> 00:16:18,555
said you are an absolute,
fucking nightmare.
431
00:16:18,596 --> 00:16:21,797
So there you have it, case closed.
432
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:22,932
I mean, sorry, but the last
thing I need around here
433
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,732
is some snotty, pretentious fuck
434
00:16:24,765 --> 00:16:25,932
who's gonna look down on television.
435
00:16:25,965 --> 00:16:28,035
Yeah, but if I'm not wrong,
436
00:16:28,069 --> 00:16:30,033
you do need a writer who
can actually write, right?
437
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:32,271
Well, yeah, talent's always a plus,
438
00:16:32,304 --> 00:16:34,903
but life is too short
for shenanigans, Hank.
439
00:16:34,936 --> 00:16:37,342
I'm... I'm too old to be babysitting
440
00:16:37,375 --> 00:16:38,741
toddlers with toxic personalities.
441
00:16:38,774 --> 00:16:42,570
Okay, just hang on and hear me out, okay?
442
00:16:42,611 --> 00:16:43,906
If I'm not mistaken,
443
00:16:43,939 --> 00:16:46,273
you got a room full of
hacks and wannabes in there.
444
00:16:46,313 --> 00:16:48,775
The hacks give you a safe,
fear-driven mediocrity
445
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,741
because they just want to
keep their pools heated,
446
00:16:50,782 --> 00:16:51,875
and the wannabes wanna be
447
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,379
because the lifestyle looks so swell,
448
00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:55,580
but they have nothing to
write about and it shows.
449
00:16:55,613 --> 00:16:58,653
That's an incredibly
cynical generalization, Hank.
450
00:16:58,686 --> 00:17:00,653
I am the best of both worlds.
451
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:03,455
I have the... the sexy,
energetic brain of a newbie
452
00:17:03,496 --> 00:17:05,192
and the body of a drunken, old hack.
453
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,960
And you shit the bed all over this town.
454
00:17:07,001 --> 00:17:10,732
So why would this gig be any different?
455
00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:12,301
Fair enough. That's a good point.
456
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:15,036
And I have squandered a lot
of opportunities, it's true.
457
00:17:15,069 --> 00:17:16,133
Yeah.
458
00:17:16,173 --> 00:17:17,469
I could give you a bunch of excuses.
459
00:17:17,502 --> 00:17:19,142
I could blame it on my masturbating agent
460
00:17:19,175 --> 00:17:21,008
or I could chalk it up
461
00:17:21,049 --> 00:17:22,776
to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles,
462
00:17:22,817 --> 00:17:24,545
but the truth is that...
463
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:27,785
I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once.
464
00:17:27,818 --> 00:17:30,889
You know, I'm on a quest to
reclaim the best parts of myself
465
00:17:30,922 --> 00:17:32,793
before it's too fuckin' late.
466
00:17:32,828 --> 00:17:34,692
And it all starts with me getting a job.
467
00:17:34,733 --> 00:17:36,764
Well...
468
00:17:36,797 --> 00:17:38,398
That's very inspiring,
469
00:17:38,439 --> 00:17:40,366
but are you sure you can
actually handle the job?
470
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,070
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
471
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,509
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you show up on time?
472
00:17:43,542 --> 00:17:45,342
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
473
00:17:45,375 --> 00:17:47,847
Play nice with others?
474
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,182
May... Maybe. Yeah.
475
00:17:49,215 --> 00:17:51,413
Can you take a note
without getting defensive?
476
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,381
Possibly.
477
00:17:53,414 --> 00:17:55,919
Can you work with actors
without fucking them
478
00:17:55,952 --> 00:17:58,091
- or punching them?
- Oh, so you have read my work.
479
00:17:58,124 --> 00:18:00,426
Yeah, I've read your
work. I like your work.
480
00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:02,628
It actually reminds me of some
of the shit I used to write.
481
00:18:02,668 --> 00:18:05,269
Once upon a time, back in New York.
482
00:18:05,302 --> 00:18:09,676
Before all of this shit swallowed me whole.
483
00:18:09,709 --> 00:18:12,847
Hey, man...
484
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,216
I'm a sucker for a good redemption story,
485
00:18:15,249 --> 00:18:17,987
but I am suspicious of your motives.
486
00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:21,858
What is this really about?
487
00:18:21,891 --> 00:18:23,657
I guess you could say it's about a girl.
488
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:24,929
[Knock on door]
489
00:18:24,962 --> 00:18:26,426
[Clears throat]
490
00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,500
The writer's assistant just IMd me.
491
00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:30,639
Rosenberg's doing his
impression of you again.
492
00:18:30,672 --> 00:18:32,506
Think he's trying to stage a coup.
493
00:18:32,547 --> 00:18:33,810
Motherfucker.
494
00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:35,009
Hey, I'd give the fucker a tittie twister,
495
00:18:35,042 --> 00:18:37,113
but that's just me.
Thank you for seeing me.
496
00:18:37,146 --> 00:18:40,016
No, hey. Sit. You stay.
497
00:18:40,049 --> 00:18:41,881
I'm not guaranteeing anything,
498
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,952
but I might have an open
seat in about 45 seconds.
499
00:18:44,985 --> 00:18:48,356
I got eyes and ears all over
this fucking building, scumbags.
500
00:18:56,321 --> 00:18:58,390
[Sighs] Okay.
501
00:18:58,423 --> 00:19:00,292
To be perfectly honest, I'm just...
502
00:19:00,325 --> 00:19:02,826
I'm feeling a little bit nervous.
503
00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:04,091
Okay.
504
00:19:04,124 --> 00:19:06,426
Can we just not be such
a fucking girl, Charlie?
505
00:19:06,459 --> 00:19:09,633
This is just me. It's just me.
506
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:12,570
Your sexy, little fuck ninja.
507
00:19:12,603 --> 00:19:14,738
- What?
- Nothing.
508
00:19:14,771 --> 00:19:16,969
It's just... that seems like
something stu would call you.
509
00:19:17,002 --> 00:19:19,703
I'm sorry.
510
00:19:19,736 --> 00:19:22,672
Well, yeah, it probably is.
511
00:19:22,713 --> 00:19:25,652
Among other things. And I'm sorry, baby.
512
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:28,656
I just get confused. Things
happened so fast between us.
513
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:31,497
I know, I know. Look, maybe...
514
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:32,793
Maybe we just made a mistake.
515
00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:35,530
Hey, you shut the fuck up.
516
00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:37,498
No retreat, no surrender.
517
00:19:37,531 --> 00:19:40,233
I am not ready to call this shit yet.
518
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:43,969
Okay? Gimme kissy.
519
00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:45,610
- Gimme more.
- Mm.
520
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,040
- Mm?
- Mm.
521
00:19:47,073 --> 00:19:48,478
Mm?
522
00:19:48,511 --> 00:19:51,707
Oh, hey, no, not yet. Not so fast, okay?
523
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:55,311
Just... it's, um... you
know, it's a little...
524
00:19:55,345 --> 00:19:56,543
handsy.
525
00:19:56,576 --> 00:19:59,773
[Sighs]
526
00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:01,275
Okay.
527
00:20:01,308 --> 00:20:02,914
Okay, baby.
528
00:20:02,947 --> 00:20:07,175
Why don't you just let
mommy work her mommy magic?
529
00:20:07,216 --> 00:20:08,543
Okay?
530
00:20:08,584 --> 00:20:11,148
Ok... Okay. [Chuckles]
531
00:20:11,181 --> 00:20:14,410
Yes, please, mommy.
532
00:20:14,451 --> 00:20:16,816
But don't... don't actually call me mommy,
533
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,215
because that's fucking creepy, right?
534
00:20:18,248 --> 00:20:19,646
Right. Yeah, my bad.
535
00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:22,380
- Okay.
- Okay.
536
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:24,451
[Exhales]
537
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:25,682
[Moaning]
538
00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:26,683
Oh...
539
00:20:26,723 --> 00:20:28,290
Mm.
540
00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:32,793
Mm...
541
00:20:32,827 --> 00:20:33,858
It's not working, Marcy.
542
00:20:33,891 --> 00:20:35,895
It's just... it... Ugh!
543
00:20:35,928 --> 00:20:37,023
- [Pounding]
- Oh, my God!
544
00:20:37,064 --> 00:20:39,294
- Stop it!
- I want to feel something!
545
00:20:39,327 --> 00:20:41,798
- Anything!
- No! Be nice to my penis!
546
00:20:41,831 --> 00:20:43,061
Stop!
547
00:20:43,094 --> 00:20:45,898
It's just... It's so upsetting, Marcy.
548
00:20:45,931 --> 00:20:48,265
I know, baby. I get it.
549
00:20:48,298 --> 00:20:51,664
Okay? But just breathe. You gotta relax.
550
00:20:51,705 --> 00:20:53,670
Just breathe.
551
00:20:53,703 --> 00:20:55,331
Okay. Look, you know what?
Let me go down on you.
552
00:20:55,365 --> 00:20:57,370
What? No, no, no, no...
553
00:20:57,403 --> 00:20:59,003
Yes, Marcy! Yes, please!
554
00:20:59,036 --> 00:21:00,771
I insist, okay?
555
00:21:00,803 --> 00:21:02,440
I'm gonna go down on you
556
00:21:02,473 --> 00:21:04,501
because I need to feel like a man tonight!
557
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:07,776
Okay, so munching my box
has become all about you?
558
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,543
You're such a fucking narcissist, Charlie.
559
00:21:10,576 --> 00:21:12,983
I need to go down on you, Marcy!
560
00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:20,176
Fine. Go ahead.
561
00:21:21,786 --> 00:21:24,319
- [Groans]
- Okay.
562
00:21:24,352 --> 00:21:25,488
Eh-eh...
563
00:21:25,521 --> 00:21:27,386
[Sobbing]
564
00:21:27,427 --> 00:21:31,991
Oh, my God, Charlie. If you're
gonna eat me out you can't cry.
565
00:21:37,124 --> 00:21:38,522
Okay. I'm sorry.
566
00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:44,267
'Kay.
567
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:48,665
[Sighs]
568
00:21:48,701 --> 00:21:50,930
Yeah, papi, get it. Is that good?
569
00:21:50,963 --> 00:21:55,264
- Mm. Mm.
- [Sobbing]
570
00:21:55,297 --> 00:21:58,271
[Rock music]
571
00:21:58,304 --> 00:22:06,276
♪
572
00:22:06,309 --> 00:22:09,012
Pardon, excusez-moi.
573
00:22:09,045 --> 00:22:11,645
I don't want you to think
I am European or anything,
574
00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:15,283
you know, but maybe I
could share your table?
575
00:22:15,316 --> 00:22:17,650
Oh, I'm sorry, mademoiselle,
576
00:22:17,683 --> 00:22:19,418
but I'm meeting somebody
from my Pilates class.
577
00:22:19,451 --> 00:22:21,121
Oh, zut alors.
578
00:22:21,154 --> 00:22:22,216
Very flexible guy.
579
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:23,352
He can actually suck himself off
580
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:24,520
and clip his toenails at the same time.
581
00:22:24,553 --> 00:22:25,518
We're taking it slow.
582
00:22:25,551 --> 00:22:27,451
Just getting to know each other.
583
00:22:27,484 --> 00:22:29,784
Hank, I'm not involved with anyone.
584
00:22:29,817 --> 00:22:33,318
Well, that's good to know. Me neither.
585
00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,118
I'm just kidding about the Pilates guy.
586
00:22:35,159 --> 00:22:37,894
Good to know.
587
00:22:37,927 --> 00:22:40,188
So what are you doing here?
588
00:22:40,229 --> 00:22:42,059
Oh, I'm meeting this kid.
589
00:22:42,092 --> 00:22:44,660
He's gonna interview me
for a college newspaper.
590
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:46,629
Oh, dear. Has it come to that?
591
00:22:46,670 --> 00:22:48,332
I know, right?
592
00:22:48,365 --> 00:22:50,098
You remember that nice
lady from the New York Times
593
00:22:50,131 --> 00:22:53,000
who wrote that nice profile
on me all those years ago?
594
00:22:53,033 --> 00:22:55,600
I do. The one with the ample bosom.
595
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,577
Yes, she did have an ample bosom.
596
00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:58,674
You know what I didn't do?
597
00:22:58,707 --> 00:23:00,073
I didn't sample that ample bosom
598
00:23:00,106 --> 00:23:01,576
because I loved you so much then.
599
00:23:01,609 --> 00:23:02,975
And I still love you.
600
00:23:03,008 --> 00:23:05,080
Because you're an incredible
human being, Hank moody.
601
00:23:05,113 --> 00:23:08,980
- Finally you speak the truth.
- Yeah.
602
00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:11,379
I'm sorry about the other day.
603
00:23:11,412 --> 00:23:13,787
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
604
00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:15,513
Although I don't know why I'm apologizing
605
00:23:15,554 --> 00:23:18,248
'cause I-I came back for you and all.
606
00:23:18,289 --> 00:23:21,053
It was a lot to process, you know?
607
00:23:21,086 --> 00:23:22,986
And... And the timing was all off, and...
608
00:23:23,019 --> 00:23:25,183
Well, that's us in a nutshell.
609
00:23:25,216 --> 00:23:27,981
Couple of good-timers with
exceptionally bad timing.
610
00:23:28,022 --> 00:23:30,652
- No...
- [Laughs]
611
00:23:30,685 --> 00:23:32,050
Uh, hello?
612
00:23:32,083 --> 00:23:35,550
Excuse me.
613
00:23:35,583 --> 00:23:36,549
Are you the wife?
614
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:37,853
No... no, I'm not.
615
00:23:37,886 --> 00:23:39,924
This is the mother of my child.
616
00:23:39,957 --> 00:23:41,985
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
617
00:23:42,018 --> 00:23:43,919
Di... Did he leave you?
618
00:23:43,952 --> 00:23:45,423
- No.
- Wha...
619
00:23:45,456 --> 00:23:46,424
She left me.
620
00:23:46,457 --> 00:23:48,560
Actually, it's complicated.
621
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:51,162
Yeah, sounds like it.
622
00:23:51,195 --> 00:23:53,164
Well, I believe we
actually had an appointment.
623
00:23:53,204 --> 00:23:54,771
Oh, yeah, sure.
624
00:23:54,804 --> 00:23:56,067
I'm gonna shoo.
625
00:23:56,100 --> 00:23:58,074
Let's talk later about
things big and small.
626
00:23:58,107 --> 00:24:00,242
I want to tell you all about my new job.
627
00:24:00,275 --> 00:24:03,583
I'm intrigued.
628
00:24:03,616 --> 00:24:04,849
Stop it.
629
00:24:04,882 --> 00:24:07,584
Um, it was nice to meet you.
630
00:24:07,617 --> 00:24:10,351
My name's Karen, by the way.
631
00:24:10,392 --> 00:24:13,759
Okay. Bye.
632
00:24:13,792 --> 00:24:17,029
Okay. Good luck.
633
00:24:21,197 --> 00:24:23,531
[Clears throat] Is it
cool if I record this?
634
00:24:23,564 --> 00:24:27,772
- Yeah, whatever you gotta do.
- Okay, great.
635
00:24:27,805 --> 00:24:29,708
[Recorder beeping]
636
00:24:29,741 --> 00:24:30,707
Hi.
637
00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:33,304
Hi yourself.
638
00:24:33,337 --> 00:24:36,473
Okay, uh, so I'm here with Hank Moody,
639
00:24:36,506 --> 00:24:39,884
writer of books and some movies, I guess.
640
00:24:39,917 --> 00:24:42,485
Anything else?
641
00:24:42,518 --> 00:24:44,758
No, I think that about covers it.
642
00:24:44,791 --> 00:24:46,622
Thanks for the intro, Charlie Rose.
643
00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:50,063
[Phone clatters]
644
00:24:50,096 --> 00:24:51,959
She's pretty hot. That lady.
645
00:24:51,999 --> 00:24:54,134
- I concur.
- Like in a milfy way.
646
00:24:54,167 --> 00:24:55,661
Oh, that's the besty way.
647
00:24:55,702 --> 00:24:58,395
Yeah, I guess.
648
00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,636
I guess you hit that, huh?
649
00:24:59,669 --> 00:25:02,406
Totally. I totally hit that.
650
00:25:02,439 --> 00:25:05,707
Cool. Did... Did you used to love her?
651
00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:08,812
I do. Very much so.
652
00:25:08,845 --> 00:25:11,241
Are you guys, like, together still?
653
00:25:11,274 --> 00:25:14,484
Not, like, at the moment, like, no.
654
00:25:14,517 --> 00:25:17,655
I guess it's smart to
keep your options open.
655
00:25:17,688 --> 00:25:18,883
Wouldn't want anything tying you down.
656
00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:21,057
Yeah, but "Freedom's" just another word
657
00:25:21,090 --> 00:25:23,993
for missing someone.
658
00:25:24,026 --> 00:25:26,224
I think Taylor swift said that.
659
00:25:26,257 --> 00:25:28,696
Yeah. You want to be a writer, huh?
660
00:25:28,729 --> 00:25:30,928
No. No, not really. Seems like hard work.
661
00:25:30,961 --> 00:25:33,200
It's the worst. It sucks balls.
662
00:25:33,233 --> 00:25:35,064
It's having homework for
the rest of your life.
663
00:25:35,097 --> 00:25:36,168
What do you want to do?
664
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:38,640
Well, I kind of want to be an actor.
665
00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:43,069
Right on. Noble. Practical.
666
00:25:43,102 --> 00:25:44,437
Yeah.
667
00:25:44,471 --> 00:25:47,543
My grandmother says I
remind her of a young, um...
668
00:25:47,576 --> 00:25:48,781
Dustin Hoffman.
669
00:25:48,814 --> 00:25:50,707
No, Marlon Brando.
670
00:25:50,746 --> 00:25:52,713
Ah.
671
00:25:52,746 --> 00:25:54,010
Yeah, it seems like fun, you know?
672
00:25:54,051 --> 00:25:55,179
You show up somewhere,
673
00:25:55,212 --> 00:25:56,483
everyone's always really nice to you.
674
00:25:56,516 --> 00:25:57,986
Get to hang out with all
these beautiful actresses
675
00:25:58,019 --> 00:25:59,322
and kiss them and shit.
676
00:25:59,355 --> 00:26:01,052
And you have a nude
scene... Touch their boobs.
677
00:26:01,093 --> 00:26:02,061
Mm.
678
00:26:02,094 --> 00:26:03,325
Then you get to move on,
679
00:26:03,358 --> 00:26:05,827
do the same thing all
over again somewhere else.
680
00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:07,793
[Sighs] Seems like a really great life.
681
00:26:07,826 --> 00:26:09,592
The life I'm trying to lead for myself.
682
00:26:09,625 --> 00:26:11,591
Sure.
683
00:26:11,632 --> 00:26:14,366
Bet you fuck a lot of actresses, huh?
684
00:26:14,399 --> 00:26:17,871
I'm sorry, what is this
supposed to be about again?
685
00:26:17,904 --> 00:26:20,534
You. The... The type of guy you are.
686
00:26:20,567 --> 00:26:21,900
Things of that nature.
687
00:26:21,933 --> 00:26:23,540
Well, how do you think you
know what type of guy I am?
688
00:26:23,573 --> 00:26:26,003
Well, I don't know. I'm
trying to figure it out.
689
00:26:26,036 --> 00:26:27,540
One thing I know for sure,
you seem kind of into yourself.
690
00:26:27,573 --> 00:26:30,242
And you seem to have some kind
of weird beef with me, kid.
691
00:26:30,275 --> 00:26:32,242
You sure I didn't fuck your
girlfriend or something?
692
00:26:32,275 --> 00:26:34,713
- No, no, not at all.
- You sure about that?
693
00:26:34,745 --> 00:26:36,046
Pretty much, yeah.
694
00:26:36,079 --> 00:26:38,646
Never really had what
you'd call a girlfriend.
695
00:26:38,679 --> 00:26:40,213
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
696
00:26:40,246 --> 00:26:43,212
Yeah.
697
00:26:43,253 --> 00:26:44,451
But you did fuck my mom.
698
00:26:44,484 --> 00:26:46,052
What?
699
00:26:46,085 --> 00:26:47,653
You fucked my mom.
700
00:26:47,686 --> 00:26:49,654
Really? You're not fucking with me?
701
00:26:49,694 --> 00:26:50,757
Mm-mm.
702
00:26:50,790 --> 00:26:53,397
Oh, dear. Oh, me, oh, my.
703
00:26:53,430 --> 00:26:54,765
Believe it or not, this
has happened to me before.
704
00:26:54,798 --> 00:26:56,596
It's very unpleasant.
705
00:26:56,629 --> 00:26:58,931
But we're gonna get through
it. Just keep calm and carry on.
706
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:00,963
All right?
707
00:27:01,004 --> 00:27:05,971
Now, when did this unfortunate
moment of carnal whimsy occur?
708
00:27:06,004 --> 00:27:08,338
Mm...
709
00:27:08,371 --> 00:27:12,644
I don't know, I guess about
nine months before I was born.
710
00:27:12,677 --> 00:27:15,655
[Pete townshend's Let
My Love Open the Door]
711
00:27:15,688 --> 00:27:23,662
♪
712
00:27:23,695 --> 00:27:26,291
♪ When people keep repeating ♪
713
00:27:26,324 --> 00:27:29,628
♪ That you'll never fall in love ♪
714
00:27:29,661 --> 00:27:32,102
♪ When everybody keeps retreating ♪
715
00:27:32,135 --> 00:27:35,007
♪ But you can't seem to get enough ♪
716
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,808
♪ Let my love open the door ♪
717
00:27:37,841 --> 00:27:40,712
♪ Let my love open the door ♪
718
00:27:40,745 --> 00:27:43,342
♪ Let my love open the door ♪
719
00:27:43,383 --> 00:27:44,645
♪ To your heart ♪
720
00:27:45,678 --> 00:27:50,678
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com