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Allan Pinkerton was like,
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everybody wants to [Bleep] kill Lincoln.
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You hold on to your panties.
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Somebody asks, is the flag still there?
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And Francis Scott Key is like,
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yeah, it's still there.
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It's way [Bleep] there.
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Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.
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I got to drink more.
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Edgar Allan Poe, he's
going from town to town,
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and being like, hey, what's up, guys?
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You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?
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He is a holographic piece of [Bleep].
14
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Holograms don't even exist yet,
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and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.
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[Patriotic music]
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♪
18
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[People cheering]
19
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Hey, meatball. Oh, my God.
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This is a great reunion.
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Whoo!
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B-more.
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- I'm from Baltimore.
- Right.
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And this place means so much to me.
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How do you tell people what is Baltimore?
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It's... it's like a old, comfortable shoe.
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It's a little scuffed up around the edges,
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but don't polish that,
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because the... the scuff has a story.
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Cheers to Baltimore.
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Cheers to Baltimore.
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Baltimore is crabs, Natty Boh, and old bay.
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If you pay me eight
bucks, I'll snort old bay,
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which I did last weekend.
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It's Baltimore, [Bleep] Maryland.
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It's amazing.
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00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:47,715
Aw, man. This [Bleep] story.
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I'm gonna [Bleep] punch you in the balls
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with this story.
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Emotionally.
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Seth, take your shirt off,
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and open up another
bottle of wine for mommy.
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[Laughs]
44
00:01:58,260 --> 00:02:00,527
Hello.
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00:02:00,529 --> 00:02:05,699
Today we are going to talk
about the Baltimore Plot.
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November, 1860.
47
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Abraham Lincoln is elected
48
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as the 16th president of
the United States of America.
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He was like, these states in the south,
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they don't want me to be president.
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And they want to secede and stuff.
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So I'm gonna take a
whistle stop tour to D.C.,
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and I'm gonna wave at people.
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Meanwhile, Allan Pinkerton was hired
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to be Lincoln's private security force.
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Pinkerton runs the Pinkerton
National Detective Agency.
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Pinkerton starts finding out,
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oh, [Bleep].
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There is all these threats
against Abraham Lincoln.
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Pinkerton put together
his, like, dream team.
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He's got Harry Davies,
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00:02:51,044 --> 00:02:54,479
this brilliant guy who
speaks several languages.
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And Kate Warne,
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the first female detective
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in the history of the United States.
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Pinkerton's like,
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everybody wants to [Bleep] kill Lincoln.
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So they go undercover in Baltimore,
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in the Barnum Hotel,
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pretending to be Southern.
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Like, how do you do, sir?
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And getting intel, like,
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what is your political
affiliation, if I may ask?
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I'm not trying to press you,
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but I am a lady of the south,
76
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and I need to know that
I'm, uh, fraternizing
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with people I can trust.
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All right, I'm actually leaning.
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Are you okay?
80
00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:36,353
I started to lean.
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- That's okay.
- No, it's all right.
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00:03:37,823 --> 00:03:39,489
It's just...
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Where do I... wha...
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00:03:41,327 --> 00:03:46,062
So they discovered this
guy, Cipriano Ferrandini.
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He's a beady-eyed Corsican barber
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who wanted to kill Lincoln.
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Ferrandini gathers together
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all of these Southern
rebels into this hideout.
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00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:59,975
Davies gets in on the Ferrandini meeting.
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00:03:59,977 --> 00:04:03,979
And Ferrandini, he's holding up a scimitar.
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00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:08,351
And he says, moth!
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And he was like,
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in this hat,
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or bowl, or bucket, or whatever,
95
00:04:13,524 --> 00:04:15,491
there is a card...
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00:04:15,493 --> 00:04:17,992
I'm gonna burp. Excuse me.
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00:04:17,994 --> 00:04:19,627
With a red dot on it.
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00:04:19,629 --> 00:04:21,529
And whoever gets the red dot,
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you're gonna kill Lincoln.
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00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:27,168
Davies is like, oh, [Bleep] me.
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00:04:27,170 --> 00:04:28,636
Now, we really have a problem...
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00:04:28,638 --> 00:04:32,774
to himself, quietly,
because he's undercover.
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00:04:32,776 --> 00:04:35,910
Lincoln lands in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
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00:04:35,912 --> 00:04:37,545
Pinkerton goes to him, and says,
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00:04:37,547 --> 00:04:39,313
we got to get you the [Bleep] out of here
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00:04:39,315 --> 00:04:42,616
a day before they're gonna kill you, so...
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he took off his little pop-tart hat,
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or whatever that was.
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00:04:46,221 --> 00:04:47,621
Uh, what was it called?
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A pop... popeye, popeye...
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00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:52,092
it was a called a...
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00:04:52,094 --> 00:04:54,428
his hat, it was a stovepipe.
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Lincoln says, sorry, stovepipe.
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I got to be incognito. I'll see you soon.
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00:05:00,235 --> 00:05:01,935
They sneak him out to the train.
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People can see him, but
they don't know it's him,
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00:05:04,539 --> 00:05:07,473
because he's wearing a beanie and a shawl.
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Kate Warne is like,
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00:05:09,111 --> 00:05:13,413
I need to get my invalid
brother into the train.
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They get on the train.
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00:05:15,317 --> 00:05:17,550
"Zu-di-di-doo, di-di-doo."
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00:05:17,552 --> 00:05:22,155
Lincoln is on a train into
D.C. to become the president.
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So Pinkerton had to get Lincoln
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through Baltimore early to get to D.C.
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Without being killed,
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because there are assassins in Baltimore
127
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:35,567
waiting for Lincoln to
show up at, like, noon.
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00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:39,604
They get to president
station, Baltimore, Maryland,
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00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,941
at 3:30 in the morning.
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00:05:41,943 --> 00:05:42,942
And the conductor's like,
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we have to stop,
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because there's a sound ordinance.
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00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:48,779
Pinkerton's like, what the [Bleep]?
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00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,415
There's a [Bleep] sound ordinance?
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00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:52,083
What the [Bleep] am I gonna do?
136
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,884
Okay. I'll tell you what we'll do.
137
00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:55,519
We'll get some [Bleep] horses.
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00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,056
[Laughs]
139
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:02,760
So they hook up this train car to horses,
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00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:07,966
and drag the train car on
the tracks through Baltimore.
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00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,835
They get to Camden Street Station,
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00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:11,936
where they're supposed to pick up
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00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:14,371
the Washington-Bound train.
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00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:17,007
No train. Train's late.
145
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,976
So they sat there.
146
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:21,946
It's basically assassins everywhere.
147
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,914
And they could hear people saying,
148
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:26,383
this [Bleep] Lincoln is a piece of [Bleep].
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00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:28,552
The south will rise.
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00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,721
Pinkerton's like, if these guys find out
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00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,323
that we're in here with
Lincoln, we're dead.
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00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:34,992
We're all of us dead.
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00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:37,327
You hold on to your panties.
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00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:40,864
[Laughing]
155
00:06:40,866 --> 00:06:43,266
No, he would not have... all right.
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00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:44,567
Okay.
157
00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:47,904
The Washington-Bound
train finally shows up.
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00:06:47,906 --> 00:06:50,840
And at 6:00 A.M., February 23rd,
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00:06:50,842 --> 00:06:53,910
Abraham Lincoln arrives in Washington D.C.,
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00:06:53,912 --> 00:06:56,512
and they successfully averted
161
00:06:56,514 --> 00:06:59,181
the assassination attempt.
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00:06:59,183 --> 00:07:02,584
And the Pinkerton National Detective Agency
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00:07:02,586 --> 00:07:07,356
has existed for 163 years
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00:07:07,358 --> 00:07:10,192
since that time.
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00:07:10,194 --> 00:07:12,094
Moth.
166
00:07:12,096 --> 00:07:13,529
Look.
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00:07:13,531 --> 00:07:15,030
- Oh.
- Oh.
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00:07:15,032 --> 00:07:15,963
Son of a...
169
00:07:19,035 --> 00:07:20,768
Oh, no.
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00:07:22,938 --> 00:07:23,871
Moth!
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00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:31,458
There's actually a huge
tradition in Baltimore
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00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:34,126
of live action role-playing.
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00:07:34,128 --> 00:07:36,162
I am Skip Lipman.
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00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,763
When I larp,
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00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:39,498
I'm banner of Laconia.
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00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,132
Uh, I'm Craig.
177
00:07:41,134 --> 00:07:42,934
My battle name is Crog.
178
00:07:42,936 --> 00:07:45,136
I decided to go with Emoticon.
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00:07:45,138 --> 00:07:47,473
I'm in search of my wife, Emoji.
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00:07:47,475 --> 00:07:48,940
She's out there somewhere.
181
00:07:48,942 --> 00:07:50,075
L.O.L.
182
00:07:50,077 --> 00:07:51,343
[Laughter]
183
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:55,247
So you really want to, like, swing, right?
184
00:07:55,249 --> 00:07:57,782
[Horn blares]
185
00:08:03,189 --> 00:08:06,091
Ah! Right in my dick.
186
00:08:06,093 --> 00:08:07,158
[Groans]
187
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,427
You have to lay on the cold ground.
188
00:08:09,429 --> 00:08:12,563
You got me in the dick, skip.
189
00:08:12,565 --> 00:08:16,567
♪ Whose bright lights
and bright stars ♪
190
00:08:16,569 --> 00:08:18,635
♪ through this pe... ♪
191
00:08:18,637 --> 00:08:19,669
And now, what are we doing now?
192
00:08:19,671 --> 00:08:20,804
Keep going, keep going.
193
00:08:20,806 --> 00:08:22,373
All right. That's enough of that.
194
00:08:25,277 --> 00:08:28,012
I'm done.
195
00:08:28,014 --> 00:08:30,414
Hello.
196
00:08:30,416 --> 00:08:35,119
Today, we're gonna talk
about Francis Scott Key,
197
00:08:35,121 --> 00:08:38,022
the man who wrote the n...
198
00:08:38,024 --> 00:08:42,259
American national anthem,
the Star-Spangled Banner.
199
00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:43,928
[Laughs]
200
00:08:43,930 --> 00:08:45,762
Francis Scott Key,
201
00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:48,731
a very prominent lawyer in Baltimore
202
00:08:48,733 --> 00:08:52,035
during the 1812 war.
203
00:08:52,037 --> 00:08:55,471
One night, his brother-in-law
shows up, and he says,
204
00:08:55,473 --> 00:08:58,741
Francis, the Honorable Dr. Beanes
205
00:08:58,743 --> 00:09:02,778
has been taken captive
on a British warship.
206
00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:08,017
Dr. Beanes is a very upstanding
member of the community.
207
00:09:08,019 --> 00:09:10,719
He helped everybody. [Laughs]
208
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:12,488
- He's Dr. Beanes.
- He's Dr. Beanes.
209
00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:14,222
He's amazing.
210
00:09:14,224 --> 00:09:17,960
Francis Scott Key goes to
President James Madison,
211
00:09:17,962 --> 00:09:20,729
who was the president at the time.
212
00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:26,268
He says, listen, the Honorable
Dr. Beanes has been kidnapped.
213
00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:28,236
President James Madison is like,
214
00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:33,075
the... it's like a terrible... like, yeah.
215
00:09:33,077 --> 00:09:36,946
Obviously, you got to
do something about this.
216
00:09:36,948 --> 00:09:39,848
[Laughing]
217
00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:44,019
And so he hooks him up
with a guy named Ja...
218
00:09:44,021 --> 00:09:47,922
John Skinner, a prisoner exchange agent.
219
00:09:47,924 --> 00:09:50,525
And they set sail to
the British headquarters,
220
00:09:50,527 --> 00:09:53,028
which is a [Bleep] boat.
221
00:09:53,030 --> 00:09:57,432
Under the control of Vice "Admirable... "
222
00:09:57,434 --> 00:09:59,066
uh, Vice "Admirable"...
223
00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:00,201
uh, f... sorry.
224
00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:04,271
Admiral a... oh, okay, let's back up.
225
00:10:04,273 --> 00:10:07,074
Vice Admiral Alexander Cochrane.
226
00:10:07,076 --> 00:10:08,810
Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.
227
00:10:08,812 --> 00:10:11,445
I got to drink more.
228
00:10:11,447 --> 00:10:15,082
The British wine them, and they dine them,
229
00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:17,151
and Key and Skinner and were like,
230
00:10:17,153 --> 00:10:21,021
you've got this frail, old doctor man
231
00:10:21,023 --> 00:10:25,358
sitting in his cell or whatever.
232
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,795
It's like, let the guy go, you know?
233
00:10:28,797 --> 00:10:30,764
They made a really good case.
234
00:10:30,766 --> 00:10:33,033
And Major General Ross was like,
235
00:10:33,035 --> 00:10:34,034
sounds good.
236
00:10:34,036 --> 00:10:36,269
Let's let Dr. Beanes go.
237
00:10:36,271 --> 00:10:38,639
They wined and dined a little bit more.
238
00:10:38,641 --> 00:10:43,343
Eventually, Key and Skinner hear
some British soldiers saying,
239
00:10:43,345 --> 00:10:45,245
you know what?
240
00:10:45,247 --> 00:10:50,216
Next week, we're gonna
be attacking Baltimore.
241
00:10:50,218 --> 00:10:52,652
We're gonna be attacking Baltimore.
242
00:10:52,654 --> 00:10:56,423
And they saw maps and plans
243
00:10:56,425 --> 00:10:58,858
of how they were gonna do it.
244
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:02,461
Cochrane tells Key and Skinner,
245
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:05,230
you know too much.
246
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,199
You know too much.
247
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:10,069
He and Skinner were held
prisoner for a full week.
248
00:11:10,071 --> 00:11:12,371
They would tease them and say things like,
249
00:11:12,373 --> 00:11:16,775
hey, I hope you take a good
look at that flag over there,
250
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,978
because, um, it's not gonna be there.
251
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,413
'Cause it's gonna be gone.
252
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,014
[Laughs] Sorry.
253
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:27,051
Francis Scott Key is thinking...
254
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:30,421
[sighs] Well, this sucks.
255
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,290
Oh, wait, no. That's
your... that's your mic.
256
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,225
- Just keep that in your pocket.
- All right.
257
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,295
I'll put that in my pocket.
258
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,996
Here, let's... let's go inside, so...
259
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:41,999
[laughs] Okay.
260
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,501
I'm all good.
261
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,035
[Clatter]
262
00:11:46,037 --> 00:11:49,372
And by the way...
263
00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:51,475
- You okay?
- I'm good.
264
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:53,910
- You're...
- [Laughs]
265
00:11:53,912 --> 00:11:58,548
So September 13, 1814 rolls around.
266
00:11:58,550 --> 00:12:00,517
The attack begins on Baltimore.
267
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:04,821
[Imitates explosions booming]
268
00:12:04,823 --> 00:12:08,023
Cannons just raining fire,
269
00:12:08,025 --> 00:12:10,126
bombarding Fort McHenry.
270
00:12:10,128 --> 00:12:13,162
Francis Scott Key stays up all night
271
00:12:13,164 --> 00:12:15,564
and watches in suspense as this happens.
272
00:12:15,566 --> 00:12:18,033
Eventually, Skinner and Beanes wake up,
273
00:12:18,035 --> 00:12:19,067
and they're just like,
274
00:12:19,069 --> 00:12:22,238
um, is the flag still there?
275
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:27,809
And Key's watching, and
the dawn's light breaks.
276
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,311
The smoke clears,
277
00:12:29,313 --> 00:12:31,480
and all of a sudden,
278
00:12:31,482 --> 00:12:37,485
Key sees this giant,
humongous American flag
279
00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:40,155
over Fort McHenry.
280
00:12:40,157 --> 00:12:43,824
And Key is like, yeah, it's still there.
281
00:12:43,826 --> 00:12:46,661
It's way [Bleep] there.
282
00:12:46,663 --> 00:12:49,864
And Key is so blown away
by the emotion of it,
283
00:12:49,866 --> 00:12:53,168
he starts just writing a poem.
284
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:56,103
Eventually, Cochrane says, "you're free,"
285
00:12:56,105 --> 00:12:59,006
and they let 'em go back to Baltimore.
286
00:12:59,008 --> 00:13:00,440
The British retreat.
287
00:13:00,442 --> 00:13:04,110
Francis Scott Key spends the
whole night finishing his poem.
288
00:13:04,112 --> 00:13:08,248
The next morning, he
calls his brother-in-law.
289
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:13,753
And he says, I got this poem,
and you need to see this.
290
00:13:13,755 --> 00:13:16,223
His brother-in-law looks
at it, and he's like,
291
00:13:16,225 --> 00:13:19,626
this is the best poem ever.
292
00:13:19,628 --> 00:13:22,495
We have to publish this now.
293
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:23,962
Like, right now.
294
00:13:23,964 --> 00:13:28,367
It should be put to that
melody, the Anacreon in Heaven,
295
00:13:28,369 --> 00:13:31,904
a British drinking song.
296
00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:35,107
So they distributed the song to everybody,
297
00:13:35,109 --> 00:13:38,010
and people in the town
would be kind of like,
298
00:13:38,012 --> 00:13:41,681
♪ oh, say can you see ♪
299
00:13:41,683 --> 00:13:43,648
I get this. I dig it.
300
00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:45,584
It... this is... this'll work.
301
00:13:45,586 --> 00:13:49,087
And the song wound up being a...
302
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:52,357
pretty much an amazing hit.
303
00:13:52,359 --> 00:13:55,594
And it's called the Star-Spangled Banner.
304
00:13:55,596 --> 00:13:59,497
And it's America.
305
00:13:59,499 --> 00:14:00,632
[Laughs]
306
00:14:05,705 --> 00:14:08,138
Who are any of you people?
307
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,629
[Jaunty organ music]
308
00:14:15,631 --> 00:14:18,298
♪
309
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,466
That's pretty much it.
310
00:14:19,468 --> 00:14:20,734
- What is that?
- It's nothing.
311
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,102
I don't know.
312
00:14:22,104 --> 00:14:23,337
It's like you... you get high and play it.
313
00:14:23,339 --> 00:14:24,337
I don't know.
314
00:14:24,339 --> 00:14:25,972
If I'm eating edible marijuana,
315
00:14:25,974 --> 00:14:28,908
and I want to feel like
I'm flying a spaceship
316
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,110
powered by music,
317
00:14:30,112 --> 00:14:34,313
then that's what this is for.
318
00:14:34,315 --> 00:14:35,314
Cheers.
319
00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:38,818
Hello.
320
00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:40,620
Today, we're gonna talk
about Edgar Allan Poe
321
00:14:40,622 --> 00:14:43,022
and his rivalry with Rufus Griswold,
322
00:14:43,024 --> 00:14:46,692
one of America's first pieces of [Bleep].
323
00:14:46,694 --> 00:14:49,695
Okay, this is the 1800s,
and no one has any money.
324
00:14:49,697 --> 00:14:51,764
Like, people are, like,
sweeping the streets,
325
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,800
and maybe you'd find,
like, a crust of bacon.
326
00:14:54,802 --> 00:14:56,369
And you'd eat it.
327
00:14:56,371 --> 00:14:59,272
Edgar Allan Poe, he's one
of the great American poets.
328
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:01,840
Completely disrespected by everyone
329
00:15:01,842 --> 00:15:03,976
he ever came in contact with.
330
00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:05,811
He was always broke.
331
00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:08,414
And he came into contact with a fellow
332
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:12,117
by the name of Rufus Griswold.
333
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,686
So Griswold says to Poe,
334
00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:16,621
hey, I'm making this book called
335
00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:18,590
The Poets and Poetry of America.
336
00:15:18,592 --> 00:15:20,458
So give me some of your poems,
337
00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:23,128
and if I like 'em, I'll put 'em in.
338
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,997
He knows if he puts him in the book,
339
00:15:24,999 --> 00:15:28,066
then Edgar Allan Poe will be
likely to write a nice review.
340
00:15:28,068 --> 00:15:31,636
So Poe is like, okay, I'll
give you some of my poems.
341
00:15:31,638 --> 00:15:33,272
So here's my poems.
342
00:15:33,274 --> 00:15:36,975
So books get... book get...
the book gets published.
343
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,978
Poe's... three of Poe...
Poe's poems are... are printed.
344
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:46,984
Griswold has printed 50
poems by one of his friends.
345
00:15:46,986 --> 00:15:48,719
50!
346
00:15:48,721 --> 00:15:50,888
Poe's sitting there with
the book in front of him,
347
00:15:50,890 --> 00:15:51,956
flipping through the book.
348
00:15:51,958 --> 00:15:53,791
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.
349
00:15:53,793 --> 00:15:56,260
What the [Bleep]?
350
00:15:56,262 --> 00:15:58,963
Are you [Bleep] serious?
351
00:15:58,965 --> 00:16:03,500
This [Bleep]sucker, hack, loser, ass[Bleep]
352
00:16:03,502 --> 00:16:06,336
Has put me in the very back of this book.
353
00:16:06,338 --> 00:16:10,273
I've been hornswoggled by a [Bleep].
354
00:16:10,275 --> 00:16:12,175
Griswold comes to him, and he's like,
355
00:16:12,177 --> 00:16:14,010
Edgar, what do you say that you write
356
00:16:14,012 --> 00:16:17,347
one of your wonderful reviews of my book?
357
00:16:17,349 --> 00:16:21,051
And I'll give you a...
a hundred dollars for it.
358
00:16:21,053 --> 00:16:22,986
It's basically bribery.
359
00:16:22,988 --> 00:16:26,189
And Poe's like, sure, no problem.
360
00:16:26,191 --> 00:16:28,725
I'll take your money, and write
a review of this... this book.
361
00:16:28,727 --> 00:16:29,893
No problem.
362
00:16:29,895 --> 00:16:34,430
No [Bleep] problem, Rufus.
363
00:16:34,432 --> 00:16:37,432
[Laughing]
364
00:16:39,502 --> 00:16:41,770
So... so he... so he writes the review.
365
00:16:41,772 --> 00:16:44,573
Now, Griswold has been
telling his friends, you know,
366
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:47,076
Poe's gonna write this
great review of my [Bleep].
367
00:16:47,078 --> 00:16:50,079
Then he... when... when he reads
the review that he paid for,
368
00:16:50,081 --> 00:16:52,181
like, no one should read this.
369
00:16:52,183 --> 00:16:54,783
None of these poets are gonna
be remembered except for me.
370
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,052
It's a waste of time to
even look at this thing.
371
00:16:57,054 --> 00:16:58,220
All of this is crap.
372
00:16:58,222 --> 00:17:00,188
Edgar Allan Poe.
373
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:01,389
He's like, really?
374
00:17:01,391 --> 00:17:03,691
I gave you money to write a [Bleep] review
375
00:17:03,693 --> 00:17:08,096
of a book of poetry that I
put you in, you ass[Bleep].
376
00:17:08,098 --> 00:17:09,797
Game on.
377
00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:13,234
So Poe starts hearing that
Griswold is now, like...
378
00:17:13,236 --> 00:17:14,802
is talking [Bleep] about him.
379
00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:17,305
So he goes on a tour of America,
380
00:17:17,307 --> 00:17:19,107
and being like, hey, what's up, guys?
381
00:17:19,109 --> 00:17:21,209
You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?
382
00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:23,611
The guy who wrote this
[Bleep] [Bleep] book of poetry
383
00:17:23,613 --> 00:17:26,281
where he only put three of my poems in?
384
00:17:26,283 --> 00:17:28,082
You know about this
guy? He's, like, a hack.
385
00:17:28,084 --> 00:17:29,983
Just, like, a stereotypical, basic,
386
00:17:29,985 --> 00:17:31,818
bull[Bleep] ass[Bleep].
387
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:32,953
He has no talent at all,
388
00:17:32,955 --> 00:17:35,188
and if you give Griswold a hand job,
389
00:17:35,190 --> 00:17:37,624
he'll put 20 poems in his [Bleep] book.
390
00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:41,461
He is a vile, holographic piece of [Bleep].
391
00:17:41,463 --> 00:17:43,196
Holograms don't even exist yet,
392
00:17:43,198 --> 00:17:45,832
and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.
393
00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:55,007
So Poe...
394
00:17:55,009 --> 00:17:56,576
very important note,
395
00:17:56,578 --> 00:17:58,678
the anthology, despite Poe
talking all this [Bleep]
396
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,747
is massively successful.
397
00:18:00,749 --> 00:18:03,716
Poe goes to his job at this magazine,
398
00:18:03,718 --> 00:18:07,820
and seated at his desk
is Rufus [Bleep] Griswold.
399
00:18:07,822 --> 00:18:10,189
He's like, oh, I'm sorry.
400
00:18:10,191 --> 00:18:13,426
While you were gone, I got your job.
401
00:18:13,428 --> 00:18:16,929
And I'm getting paid
more than you got paid,
402
00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:18,998
so I win.
403
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,766
Good night.
404
00:18:20,768 --> 00:18:22,534
[Laughing] So Poe is like,
405
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,170
what the [Bleep]?
406
00:18:24,172 --> 00:18:25,704
He's like, what the [Bleep]?
407
00:18:25,706 --> 00:18:28,274
His worst enemy has taken his job,
408
00:18:28,276 --> 00:18:29,975
and he's [Bleep].
409
00:18:29,977 --> 00:18:32,244
He's [Bleep].
410
00:18:32,246 --> 00:18:34,513
He goes on drinking binges.
411
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,315
He's a drunk. He's a drunk.
412
00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:37,582
He's a lunatic.
413
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,951
He's, like, wandering the streets.
414
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:46,491
And right around that time, his wife dies.
415
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,728
And Poe goes insane.
416
00:18:49,730 --> 00:18:51,330
And he starts taking laudanum,
417
00:18:51,332 --> 00:18:52,798
which is this, like, downer,
418
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,966
but it makes you high as a [Bleep] kite.
419
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,301
And that's it, man.
420
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,905
Poe continues to spiral down into an ob...
421
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:04,108
a [Bleep] oblivion.
422
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:07,379
They find him laying in
a gutter in Baltimore,
423
00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:10,749
they take him to a hospital, where he dies.
424
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:17,756
So Poe's dead.
425
00:19:17,758 --> 00:19:20,325
Griswold wanted Poe to seem like a monster,
426
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,594
so [Bleep] Griswold proceeds to write
427
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,998
these scathing biographies
of Edgar Allan Poe.
428
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,699
He was a drunk.
429
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,835
He was always in debt.
430
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,871
He sucked. He was awful.
431
00:19:32,873 --> 00:19:36,807
Forget about him. Forget about it!
432
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,609
But everyone in America read this,
433
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,810
and they're like, wait, what?
434
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:43,181
Drunk, crazy guy who wrote about ravens?
435
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,683
Where can I get this
book? That sounds awesome.
436
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:51,455
It ended up making Edgar Allan
Poe 50,000 times more famous.
437
00:19:51,457 --> 00:19:54,792
And he's considered to be one
of the great writers of our time.
438
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:59,797
Later in his life, Griswold
comes down with tuberculosis,
439
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,600
and dies alone,
440
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:06,003
with a picture of Edgar
Allan Poe on the wall,
441
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:09,707
watching him, like, look at you, man.
442
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,975
Where are you now?
443
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,045
Look at Griswold, all you people out there.
444
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,647
I don't care what you do. What'd you do?
445
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,149
Guess what? No one's gonna remember it.
446
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,684
Your... your silly attempt
447
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:24,988
to disguise a [Bleep] history show,
448
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,957
and, like, people getting drunk.
449
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,191
It's failure. No one cares.
450
00:20:29,193 --> 00:20:31,360
No one's buying it, man.
451
00:20:31,362 --> 00:20:32,595
Forget it.
452
00:20:32,597 --> 00:20:35,665
We're all getting sucked into the void.
453
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,535
Ugh. [Laughs]
454
00:20:40,270 --> 00:20:43,339
[Patriotic music]
455
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:50,340
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -