1
00:00:00,193 --> 00:00:03,193
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
2
00:00:08,794 --> 00:00:10,761
[patriotic music]
3
00:00:10,862 --> 00:00:12,013
Von Steuben's like,
4
00:00:12,130 --> 00:00:14,548
I am gonna whip you guys into shape.
5
00:00:14,633 --> 00:00:16,183
New coach is in town.
6
00:00:16,301 --> 00:00:19,770
Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas
7
00:00:19,855 --> 00:00:21,188
that he bangs all the time.
8
00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:23,057
I keep seeing spit flying from my mouth.
9
00:00:23,141 --> 00:00:25,476
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Benedict Arnold's like, yeah,
10
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,562
I am going to betray the United States.
11
00:00:28,647 --> 00:00:31,532
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
12
00:00:31,650 --> 00:00:33,617
I drank all the whiskey in town.
13
00:00:33,702 --> 00:00:35,319
- Oh.
- I'm too drunk.
14
00:00:43,392 --> 00:00:46,401
2x08 - "Philadelphia"
15
00:00:49,001 --> 00:00:50,334
People don't like
us 'cause we're honest.
16
00:00:50,469 --> 00:00:52,303
We're brutally honest
here, and we'll tell you,
17
00:00:52,387 --> 00:00:54,255
[bleep], if you don't like
it, then go [bleep] yourself.
18
00:00:54,339 --> 00:00:56,557
It's a hardworking, blue-collar town.
19
00:00:56,675 --> 00:00:58,175
A lot of these people in this town
20
00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:00,344
will give the shirt off
their back for anybody.
21
00:01:00,429 --> 00:01:02,680
It's the most historic
city in the country.
22
00:01:02,814 --> 00:01:06,183
It's the birthplace of America.
We got everything...
23
00:01:06,268 --> 00:01:10,021
Independence hall,
Liberty mother[bleep] bell.
24
00:01:10,105 --> 00:01:15,026
We got it all, man.
Boston, [bleep] you. Yeah.
25
00:01:15,127 --> 00:01:17,995
Hey, buddy, thanks
for having me over.
26
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,697
- Of course.
- How are you feeling?
27
00:01:19,781 --> 00:01:21,032
Man, I haven't been drunker.
28
00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:23,334
- You what?
- Never been drunker.
29
00:01:23,418 --> 00:01:26,871
All right.
Are you ready to tell history?
30
00:01:26,955 --> 00:01:30,441
Yeah, I can do it. Yeah.
31
00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:34,678
Hi.
This story will be about Wilhelm...
32
00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,114
[mumbles]
33
00:01:36,298 --> 00:01:37,632
[laughs]
34
00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:41,719
I'm gonna tell you a story
about General Von Steuben.
35
00:01:41,970 --> 00:01:43,588
It's the American revolution.
36
00:01:43,722 --> 00:01:46,924
Washington troops are freezing to death.
37
00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:49,260
They said, Washington, you
don't know what you're doing.
38
00:01:49,344 --> 00:01:51,429
Everybody around us is dying.
39
00:01:51,563 --> 00:01:53,147
They don't have anything to eat.
40
00:01:53,265 --> 00:01:55,933
They are freezing cold.
What are you gonna do?
41
00:01:56,018 --> 00:02:00,772
Washington says, I'm gonna
talk to my buddy Ben Franklin.
42
00:02:00,856 --> 00:02:03,658
'Cause I don't even know,
but Franklin was just partying in Paris.
43
00:02:03,776 --> 00:02:04,942
It's very weird.
44
00:02:05,027 --> 00:02:09,747
Franklin learns of this Prussian
war general... Von Steuben.
45
00:02:09,832 --> 00:02:12,250
He was trained by the king of Prussia.
46
00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:13,710
Ben Franklin says,
47
00:02:13,711 --> 00:02:19,290
hey, Von Steuben,
why don't you come to California?
48
00:02:19,424 --> 00:02:21,793
- Nah.
- No.
49
00:02:21,927 --> 00:02:25,129
Ben Franklin says, why
don't you come to America
50
00:02:25,214 --> 00:02:26,547
and fight for us?
51
00:02:26,632 --> 00:02:30,184
And Von Steuben's like,
look, I already got kicked out
52
00:02:30,302 --> 00:02:35,223
of Prussia for being gay.
I'm okay here in Paris.
53
00:02:35,307 --> 00:02:37,308
It's okay to be gay in Paris.
54
00:02:37,392 --> 00:02:40,695
And Paris is like,
not okay to be gay in Paris.
55
00:02:40,813 --> 00:02:42,146
We're about to kick you out.
56
00:02:42,231 --> 00:02:45,650
And Von Steuben says,
check, please.
57
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:48,770
[laughs]
58
00:02:49,655 --> 00:02:54,158
So Von Steuben shows up
with cooks and butlers.
59
00:02:54,243 --> 00:02:57,161
He's dressed to the nines.
He's wearing furs.
60
00:02:57,296 --> 00:03:02,967
He's got a dog, and he says,
hey, I'm Von Steuben.
61
00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:07,004
He looks at all of General
Washington's soldiers,
62
00:03:07,089 --> 00:03:11,342
and he says,
look at this group of dogs.
63
00:03:11,426 --> 00:03:13,511
They're dying.
They're starving.
64
00:03:13,645 --> 00:03:16,681
They have no ammunition, no love.
65
00:03:16,815 --> 00:03:18,900
The soldiers are like,
I don't like this guy.
66
00:03:19,017 --> 00:03:20,514
George Washington says, no, no.
Give him a chance.
67
00:03:20,515 --> 00:03:22,236
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
68
00:03:22,354 --> 00:03:26,357
And Von Steuben's like,
I am gonna whip you guys into shape.
69
00:03:26,491 --> 00:03:28,192
New coach is in town.
70
00:03:28,277 --> 00:03:30,661
Von Steuben starts
training the soldiers,
71
00:03:30,746 --> 00:03:31,996
running them through the ranks.
72
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,115
He's stretching them
through the stretchers.
73
00:03:34,199 --> 00:03:36,834
He's yelling at them in Prussian.
And they go, what's he saying?
74
00:03:36,919 --> 00:03:39,754
Washington is like, oh, boy.
75
00:03:39,872 --> 00:03:41,205
The guy doesn't even speak English,
76
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:42,874
so he says,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
77
00:03:42,958 --> 00:03:43,875
Blah, blah.
78
00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:46,510
And they hear, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
79
00:03:46,595 --> 00:03:48,629
What are we gonna do?
80
00:03:48,714 --> 00:03:53,551
But guess what.
A young captain shows up... Ben Walker.
81
00:03:53,635 --> 00:03:56,020
He says, I can understand
all the blah-blah-blahs.
82
00:03:56,104 --> 00:03:59,523
I speak Prussian, and I can help
the Americans understand him.
83
00:03:59,608 --> 00:04:03,394
Von Steuben turns over
his shoulder and sees...
84
00:04:03,528 --> 00:04:06,397
the most handsome
American he's seen so far.
85
00:04:06,531 --> 00:04:09,951
Steuben's into blondes and
this guy is platinum blonde.
86
00:04:10,068 --> 00:04:12,870
Beautiful cheekbones, puffy lips.
87
00:04:12,955 --> 00:04:16,624
Benjamin Walker says,
I will be your guide,
88
00:04:16,742 --> 00:04:19,543
and, uh, they become buds.
89
00:04:19,628 --> 00:04:21,579
"Buds."
[laughs]
90
00:04:21,713 --> 00:04:26,083
They have this... this...
this training montage.
91
00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:27,752
[Survivor's Eye of the Tiger]
92
00:04:27,836 --> 00:04:31,472
So Benjamin Walker ends up
being exactly what they needed.
93
00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:34,892
He helps them with the troops.
Von Steuben starts teaching them things.
94
00:04:34,977 --> 00:04:38,679
He's like, these are knives.
You can use them to stab people.
95
00:04:38,764 --> 00:04:41,232
And they're like,
oh, that's a great idea.
96
00:04:41,316 --> 00:04:43,567
He teaches them how
to clean their teeth.
97
00:04:43,652 --> 00:04:46,654
Teaches them how to clean their bodies
so they don't get disease.
98
00:04:46,772 --> 00:04:48,773
People were like, we're just
trying to win a war, man.
99
00:04:48,857 --> 00:04:51,275
And he was like,
this is how you win a war.
100
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,160
♪ it's the eye of the tiger ♪
101
00:04:53,278 --> 00:04:55,162
They start training
harder, and then he says,
102
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,331
Ben Walker, yell at them in English,
103
00:04:57,449 --> 00:05:01,335
and that guy says, more squats.
More squats, come on!
104
00:05:01,453 --> 00:05:04,005
He literally churn... he churned...
105
00:05:04,122 --> 00:05:07,508
he churned the army into butter.
106
00:05:07,626 --> 00:05:10,845
- Do you know any drinking games?
- Oh, yeah.
107
00:05:10,963 --> 00:05:13,464
I was just thinking, is there any way
we could take this shot?
108
00:05:13,598 --> 00:05:16,767
- Oh, what's that?
- You got to drink.
109
00:05:16,852 --> 00:05:18,386
Oh. Wait.
110
00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:22,306
So...
it's the battle of springtime.
111
00:05:22,391 --> 00:05:24,225
No, it's battle hill.
112
00:05:24,309 --> 00:05:26,978
No, it's the battle of Barren Hill.
113
00:05:27,062 --> 00:05:31,032
These terrified kids
are just crushing it.
114
00:05:31,149 --> 00:05:34,318
His troops start beating
battle after battle,
115
00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:37,071
using the tactics of Von Steuben.
116
00:05:37,155 --> 00:05:38,489
They use their bayonets.
117
00:05:38,573 --> 00:05:43,525
They had all clean teeth,
and they won the war.
118
00:05:43,912 --> 00:05:45,246
Washington said,
119
00:05:45,247 --> 00:05:49,000
Von Steuben,
you can live with Washington...
120
00:05:49,084 --> 00:05:54,088
- I'm sorry...
- Ben Walker.
121
00:05:56,809 --> 00:06:00,178
Washington said, I'm
gonna give you a house
122
00:06:00,262 --> 00:06:03,481
to live in, and I want
you to live with that guy,
123
00:06:03,599 --> 00:06:07,235
Ben Wa... Ben Wa...
that guy.
124
00:06:07,319 --> 00:06:11,522
I will grant you the
most beautiful love ever.
125
00:06:11,607 --> 00:06:16,077
So the army used Von Steuben's
tactics for 100 years.
126
00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,329
They called it the blue...
the Blue Book.
127
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:20,782
That's why we're here safe.
128
00:06:20,916 --> 00:06:24,952
So Von Steuben saved the world.
129
00:06:27,623 --> 00:06:29,874
This story's like that
movie renaissance man.
130
00:06:29,958 --> 00:06:32,960
Remember when Danny DeVito
came as the poetry teacher?
131
00:06:33,045 --> 00:06:35,096
No. No, it's not like that.
132
00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:36,681
It's more like the, uh...
133
00:06:36,799 --> 00:06:41,469
- the guys from the world cups...
- Okay.
134
00:06:41,603 --> 00:06:43,054
- Isn't that...
- Mm-hmm.
135
00:06:43,138 --> 00:06:44,305
- Isn't that...
- Mighty Ducks.
136
00:06:44,439 --> 00:06:46,941
Yeah, that's it.
137
00:06:47,025 --> 00:06:49,811
It's more like the world mighty cups.
138
00:06:49,945 --> 00:06:51,362
- The Mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.
139
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,058
Yeah.
140
00:06:54,483 --> 00:06:57,785
I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
141
00:06:57,870 --> 00:07:00,872
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
142
00:07:04,936 --> 00:07:07,153
The history of Philadelphia...
what's your favorite part?
143
00:07:07,238 --> 00:07:08,488
- Answer it, Anna.
- Come on, Anna!
144
00:07:08,573 --> 00:07:09,906
Cheesesteaks?
145
00:07:09,991 --> 00:07:11,908
In Philly, you can go
and get a good cheesesteak.
146
00:07:12,043 --> 00:07:13,043
It's a pride thing.
147
00:07:13,127 --> 00:07:14,327
- It is a pride thing.
- Yeah.
148
00:07:14,412 --> 00:07:17,560
There's so much history
here, but the people
149
00:07:17,561 --> 00:07:20,917
alive today only care
about goddamn cheesesteaks.
150
00:07:21,002 --> 00:07:23,253
We can't get over the fact
that we figured out to put
151
00:07:23,337 --> 00:07:26,323
cheese and steak in a [bleep] roll.
152
00:07:26,424 --> 00:07:27,807
I mean, this is ridiculous.
153
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,809
Did you have a hole in
that, or what happened?
154
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,311
I'm gonna clean that up.
155
00:07:31,429 --> 00:07:33,179
- Like, really?
- I didn't do that.
156
00:07:33,264 --> 00:07:35,232
You know this is my
goddamn home, right?
157
00:07:35,316 --> 00:07:37,601
You live in this [bleep]hole?
158
00:07:37,685 --> 00:07:43,240
Hello. Today we're gonna talk to
you about the election of 1800.
159
00:07:44,992 --> 00:07:46,693
[slurps, laughs]
160
00:07:46,777 --> 00:07:48,245
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams...
161
00:07:48,329 --> 00:07:50,330
they were founding fathers of America.
162
00:07:50,448 --> 00:07:54,334
They were also the best of friends.
Adams was like, the constitution...
163
00:07:54,452 --> 00:07:56,953
you can kind of bend that
how you need to bend it.
164
00:07:57,088 --> 00:07:59,839
We can kind of work with this,
and Jefferson was always like,
165
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,792
constitution is the constitution.
You can't [bleep] with that.
166
00:08:02,927 --> 00:08:06,596
But they loved each other...
until Adams became president,
167
00:08:06,681 --> 00:08:09,015
and immediately they
started butting heads.
168
00:08:09,133 --> 00:08:12,686
John Adams was like, it's
illegal to talk any [bleep]
169
00:08:12,803 --> 00:08:14,387
about the President
of the United States,
170
00:08:14,472 --> 00:08:16,973
and if you disagree with
the federal government,
171
00:08:17,058 --> 00:08:18,191
[bleep] you.
172
00:08:18,309 --> 00:08:20,477
And Jefferson was like,
well, this is tyranny.
173
00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:24,648
That's a violation of a little
something called freedom of speech.
174
00:08:24,732 --> 00:08:27,867
It all really reaches its
head on the election of 1800,
175
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,904
where these two lifelong friends
were pitted against each other.
176
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:34,240
Adams is like,
if you elect Thomas Jefferson,
177
00:08:34,325 --> 00:08:35,625
here's what you're gonna get.
178
00:08:35,710 --> 00:08:37,243
Murder all the time.
179
00:08:37,328 --> 00:08:39,162
Everybody's gonna be
murdering each other.
180
00:08:39,246 --> 00:08:42,832
Incest, your wives will
lose their virtue having sex
181
00:08:42,917 --> 00:08:44,834
with a lot of dudes willy-nilly.
182
00:08:44,919 --> 00:08:48,388
So Jefferson starts talking a
lot of [bleep] about John Adams.
183
00:08:48,506 --> 00:08:51,091
We're talking about guys who,
like, created this country.
184
00:08:51,175 --> 00:08:53,677
They were really like a
bunch of eighth graders.
185
00:08:53,811 --> 00:08:56,512
He was like, you know what?
Adams has prostitutes
186
00:08:56,513 --> 00:09:00,016
shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.
187
00:09:00,101 --> 00:09:02,352
I'm just gonna... I'm just
gonna tell you that right now.
188
00:09:02,486 --> 00:09:05,238
I-I feel like I keep seeing
spit flying from my mouth.
189
00:09:05,356 --> 00:09:07,273
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Am I spitting a lot?
190
00:09:07,358 --> 00:09:08,608
Yeah, I'm glad
you're seeing it, yeah.
191
00:09:08,693 --> 00:09:10,327
- That's good.
- I'm in the splash zone.
192
00:09:10,411 --> 00:09:13,363
So Jefferson went to the newspapers.
193
00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:18,702
He says, I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
194
00:09:18,786 --> 00:09:21,371
He's got both man
and woman sex organs.
195
00:09:21,455 --> 00:09:24,424
This is, like, a published statement
from Thomas Jefferson.
196
00:09:24,542 --> 00:09:27,927
Adams was like, okay, fine.
You want to go that route?
197
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,130
That's when [beep] got really dirty.
198
00:09:30,214 --> 00:09:32,966
Adams says, oh, by the
way, if you were thinking
199
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:38,054
about voting for Jefferson,
you shouldn't because he's dead.
200
00:09:38,189 --> 00:09:40,223
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
201
00:09:40,358 --> 00:09:43,179
- Vote for me. I'm alive.
- Yeah. Even if you disagree
202
00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:45,311
with everything I say,
at the very least, I'm alive.
203
00:09:45,396 --> 00:09:47,197
Would you rather be accused of having
204
00:09:47,281 --> 00:09:49,566
a penis and a vagina or being dead?
205
00:09:49,650 --> 00:09:51,317
I think being alive
with a penis and a vagina
206
00:09:51,402 --> 00:09:53,370
would be an amazing experience.
207
00:09:53,454 --> 00:09:55,655
And you're alive.
[laughs]
208
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:57,574
Jefferson calls upon a hatchet man,
209
00:09:57,708 --> 00:10:02,579
James Callender, to publish
newspaper articles about Adams.
210
00:10:02,663 --> 00:10:05,582
Adams...
211
00:10:05,666 --> 00:10:07,500
What was I gonna say?
212
00:10:07,585 --> 00:10:09,586
Oh, yeah, and he was gonna
go to war with the French.
213
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,087
That's what was published
in the newspaper.
214
00:10:11,222 --> 00:10:12,639
And it's a lie. It's not true at all.
215
00:10:12,757 --> 00:10:15,258
America was like, I don't want
to go to war with the French.
216
00:10:15,393 --> 00:10:16,593
That sounds terrible.
217
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:19,846
And they elect Jefferson into office.
Jefferson wins.
218
00:10:19,930 --> 00:10:22,766
Adams is like, you want to
go with this loser, fine.
219
00:10:22,850 --> 00:10:27,604
But before I leave, I'm going
to appoint all of these people
220
00:10:27,738 --> 00:10:31,274
who violently oppose
everything Jefferson stands for,
221
00:10:31,358 --> 00:10:35,328
and then he's like, I hope
you like all these ass[bleep].
222
00:10:35,446 --> 00:10:38,164
So cut to four years down the line,
223
00:10:38,282 --> 00:10:41,084
and Jefferson's daughter dies,
and Abigail Adams is like,
224
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:44,504
Look, I know we've had our
differences with Jefferson,
225
00:10:44,622 --> 00:10:46,289
but I should pop him off a letter.
226
00:10:46,373 --> 00:10:48,958
She's like, look, I'm
really, really sorry
227
00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:52,796
about your daughter, and
it sucks that she is dead.
228
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,014
Jefferson gets this
letter, and he's like,
229
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:58,885
I-I want to thank you so
much for being so considerate
230
00:10:58,969 --> 00:11:00,603
about the death of my daughter.
231
00:11:00,688 --> 00:11:04,663
But while I've got your attention,
I also want to tell you,
232
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:08,144
[bleep] you, and [bleep] your
husband for being such ass[bleep]
233
00:11:08,229 --> 00:11:09,646
Who [bleep] up my presidency.
234
00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:13,867
This is how immature these great
men of American history were.
235
00:11:13,984 --> 00:11:15,452
He can't even, like, just...
236
00:11:15,536 --> 00:11:17,654
Like, that should have
been two separate letters.
237
00:11:17,738 --> 00:11:19,739
She's like, John, you know what?
238
00:11:19,824 --> 00:11:23,293
We're done with Thomas Jefferson.
He's an ass[bleep].
239
00:11:23,377 --> 00:11:28,047
I tried to make it work with this guy,
but [bleep] him.
240
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:31,918
So these two don't speak for a decade.
241
00:11:32,002 --> 00:11:34,587
Eventually, Benjamin Rush,
242
00:11:34,672 --> 00:11:36,506
who was another founding
father, was like,
243
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,393
look, John Adams. Johnny,
I love you two guys.
244
00:11:40,511 --> 00:11:41,845
Why aren't you speaking anymore?
245
00:11:41,929 --> 00:11:46,099
Why can't we all be friends like
we used to back in those glory days,
246
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:49,269
those 1776 days that were so magical?
247
00:11:49,353 --> 00:11:52,489
And John Adams was like,
look, I love Tommy Jeffs.
248
00:11:52,573 --> 00:11:55,525
I'm a big fan.
I'll pop him off a letter.
249
00:11:55,659 --> 00:11:56,576
It's very general.
250
00:11:56,694 --> 00:11:59,696
It's like, hey, how you doing?
I-I miss you.
251
00:11:59,830 --> 00:12:02,532
I hope you're all right.
How's things going?
252
00:12:02,616 --> 00:12:03,583
Jefferson gets the letter.
253
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:07,370
He's like, Adams, Johnny ads.
Good to hear from you, buddy.
254
00:12:07,454 --> 00:12:09,122
It's been ten years. How's life?
255
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:11,724
And then the letters start
flowing, and before you
256
00:12:11,725 --> 00:12:14,093
know it, they start to
connect on certain things.
257
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,796
They start to connect on,
I'm a little concerned about slavery.
258
00:12:16,881 --> 00:12:19,549
Thomas Jefferson was
like, I'm anti-slavery,
259
00:12:19,683 --> 00:12:22,969
but I do have hundreds of slaves.
[chuckles]
260
00:12:23,053 --> 00:12:25,138
Uh...
261
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,524
Uh...
262
00:12:27,608 --> 00:12:31,110
- What am I talking about?
- Keep going. You got it.
263
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:34,030
It's weird how quickly
alcohol makes you not realize
264
00:12:34,114 --> 00:12:37,283
what you said at all.
[laughs]
265
00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:42,989
So, by the end of their life,
these two have exchanged 158 letters,
266
00:12:43,073 --> 00:12:45,658
and they're best friends again.
267
00:12:45,743 --> 00:12:49,462
Then it's 1826.
John Adams is on his deathbed,
268
00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:53,888
and his last words are,
independence forever, and also,
269
00:12:53,889 --> 00:12:58,504
Thomas Jefferson survives because
that guy's [bleep] awesome.
270
00:12:58,589 --> 00:13:01,724
Little did he know that
just a few hours prior,
271
00:13:01,809 --> 00:13:06,646
miles and miles away, Thomas
Jefferson had also died.
272
00:13:06,764 --> 00:13:11,651
That day was July 4th,
the 50th anniversary
273
00:13:11,769 --> 00:13:15,104
of the signing of the
Declaration of Independence,
274
00:13:15,189 --> 00:13:18,441
- which is crazy.
- That's true friendship.
275
00:13:18,525 --> 00:13:20,410
- True friendship.
- Cheers.
276
00:13:20,494 --> 00:13:23,446
To friendship.
You're my best friend.
277
00:13:23,581 --> 00:13:27,425
- We barely know each other.
- No, we're best friends.
278
00:13:27,425 --> 00:13:30,837
They realized Benedict
Arnold has become a traitor.
279
00:13:30,955 --> 00:13:34,457
Benedict's like, babe,
we've been found out.
280
00:13:39,243 --> 00:13:42,812
People say that this place
is haunted. Do you feel that?
281
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:46,949
I'm sure that the spirits
that are in this house
282
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,868
are very accepting of
the fact that we're here.
283
00:13:48,986 --> 00:13:51,070
I can't deny something's going on.
284
00:13:51,155 --> 00:13:53,156
You know, the [bleep]'s getting real.
285
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,290
Benedict Arnold.
286
00:13:54,374 --> 00:13:56,209
Both: Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold.
287
00:13:56,326 --> 00:13:59,412
Oh, my.
He just said they called me an idiot.
288
00:13:59,496 --> 00:14:01,407
That's sad.
289
00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:06,252
- I feel things, chip.
- No, say it ain't so.
290
00:14:06,336 --> 00:14:11,891
If there's any spirit in this room,
touch Derek.
291
00:14:12,009 --> 00:14:12,892
Do you hear that?
292
00:14:13,010 --> 00:14:14,227
- That was my stomach.
- Okay.
293
00:14:14,344 --> 00:14:15,978
I will admit to that one.
294
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,264
[glasses clinking]
Cheers. Good ghost hunting.
295
00:14:18,348 --> 00:14:20,049
Drink up, bitches.
296
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:24,237
- Thanks for having me over.
- Oh, my gosh, I've been, uh...
297
00:14:24,354 --> 00:14:25,855
I drank all the whiskey in town.
298
00:14:25,989 --> 00:14:28,908
All of it?
There's none to share?
299
00:14:29,026 --> 00:14:31,327
- Oh, there's some to share.
- Okay.
300
00:14:31,411 --> 00:14:33,446
I'm too drunk.
[laughs]
301
00:14:33,530 --> 00:14:39,946
Hello. Today we are going to
talk about Benedict Arnold.
302
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:44,340
Benedict Arnold was a general
in the American revolution.
303
00:14:44,475 --> 00:14:47,977
He's a hero of Saratoga,
but the Continental Congress
304
00:14:48,062 --> 00:14:54,150
promoted five other generals
and not Benedict Arnold.
305
00:14:54,234 --> 00:14:56,769
Benedict Arnold was
very bummed out by that,
306
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,988
so he goes to Philadelphia.
307
00:14:59,073 --> 00:15:01,074
There's a young woman, Peggy Shippen,
308
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,743
who is the it girl of Philadelphia.
309
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,863
Peggy was like, I'm
hilarious, I'm British,
310
00:15:06,997 --> 00:15:11,367
And I'm the most beautiful
person that anyone's ever seen.
311
00:15:11,502 --> 00:15:13,369
She has a suitor named John Andre,
312
00:15:13,504 --> 00:15:18,007
but Benedict sees her and just
falls crazy in love with her
313
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:21,260
and tells her, it's better with you...
this is not an exact quote.
314
00:15:21,378 --> 00:15:23,379
It's better... you are so great.
315
00:15:23,514 --> 00:15:25,214
I love you so much.
You're so great.
316
00:15:25,349 --> 00:15:29,218
So she marries Benedict Arnold,
who I believe she also loved.
317
00:15:29,353 --> 00:15:31,054
- Oh, god.
- What?
318
00:15:31,188 --> 00:15:33,606
I just realized that I was being filmed.
319
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:34,941
[both laugh]
My god.
320
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,392
So, anyway, Peggy says,
321
00:15:36,527 --> 00:15:39,406
sweetheart, you deserve to be backed
322
00:15:39,407 --> 00:15:42,365
by the government that you belong to.
323
00:15:42,449 --> 00:15:46,202
You know, the British...
324
00:15:46,286 --> 00:15:50,123
would appreciate you.
They would love you.
325
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,959
Also, my family's British.
326
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,245
Benedict's like, no, no, no.
327
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,131
No, I'm not gonna... I'm not
gonna defect to the British side.
328
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:03,086
That's insane.
George Washington's my daddy, kind of.
329
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:08,224
Peggy says, look, I have a friend
in the British army, John Andre.
330
00:16:08,308 --> 00:16:11,894
Benedict's like, is that
guy your ex-boyfriend?
331
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:14,313
Peggy's like, well, I mean,
332
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:18,267
Benedict, if you really want to
be with me, be more confident.
333
00:16:18,402 --> 00:16:20,686
And Benedict's like, yeah.
334
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,990
yeah, I am going to
betray the United States
335
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:28,327
because I love you, and
I'm going to prove to you
336
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:32,415
that I am not jealous,
and makes love to his wife.
337
00:16:32,499 --> 00:16:35,084
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
338
00:16:35,169 --> 00:16:37,453
This is so great because I love drama.
339
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,006
I'm Peggy Shippen,
like, what an adventure.
340
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:44,961
She was just a sheltered,
entitled [bleep].
341
00:16:45,095 --> 00:16:47,513
I have this whole imaginary
chorus of women that are like,
342
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,232
don't say [bleep].
Don't say [bleep].
343
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:50,967
But she was a [bleep] [bleep].
[laughs]
344
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,351
She was bad.
345
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,470
Peggy says, you write me letters.
346
00:16:54,605 --> 00:16:57,473
I'm going to pass them on to John Andre.
347
00:16:57,608 --> 00:17:01,360
So Benedict writes letters
which are really passionate.
348
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:05,364
They're like, oh, Peggy, I love
that I get to do it with you,
349
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,984
Because he knows that John
Andre is going to get them.
350
00:17:08,118 --> 00:17:11,737
Also, the continental army
is going to West Point.
351
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,073
Also, I love you, and
I love you. I love you.
352
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,658
So they're passing letters
back and forth, back and forth,
353
00:17:15,742 --> 00:17:16,709
back and forth.
354
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,162
And eventually Benedict
tells John Andre,
355
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,999
okay, I'm gonna give you the
information on how to attack us.
356
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:24,584
I'll tell you everything.
357
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:27,837
Also, I'm going to invite
George Washington to my house,
358
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:31,390
so you can take him if you want.
Like, his friend.
359
00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:34,427
- Love.
- Yeah, it sucks, sucks so much.
360
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:37,480
So they meet behind American lines,
361
00:17:37,564 --> 00:17:40,650
and Benedict takes out
all these maps and says,
362
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:45,354
okay, if you're going to attack,
you need to attack this way,
363
00:17:45,489 --> 00:17:48,357
And they're signed by Benedict Arnold,
364
00:17:48,492 --> 00:17:50,493
which I don't understand
why he would do that.
365
00:17:50,577 --> 00:17:53,196
So John Andre starts headed home.
366
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,333
He doesn't get very far
before he encounters three men.
367
00:17:57,434 --> 00:17:59,268
They're like, okay, you have a red coat,
368
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:02,038
and you have a British accent.
We're going to search you.
369
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,507
John Andre's like, ugh.
370
00:18:04,608 --> 00:18:06,676
And he has these maps,
371
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:13,049
and they realize that Benedict
Arnold has become a traitor.
372
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,134
- I made a cake.
- Oh, my gosh!
373
00:18:19,218 --> 00:18:22,688
- It's a history book that's drunk.
- That's amazing.
374
00:18:22,805 --> 00:18:26,224
Thank you for teaching
me about Benedict Arnold.
375
00:18:26,309 --> 00:18:29,478
- Cheers.
- Cake.
376
00:18:29,562 --> 00:18:31,146
Ah.
377
00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:35,734
So Benedict says to Peggy,
babe, we've been found out.
378
00:18:35,818 --> 00:18:37,953
And she's like,
you just... you, get out of here.
379
00:18:38,037 --> 00:18:39,488
Like, I'll deal with it on this end.
380
00:18:39,622 --> 00:18:42,240
Meanwhile, George Washington
is walking up to their house.
381
00:18:42,325 --> 00:18:45,127
George Washington, head of...
382
00:18:48,298 --> 00:18:51,917
Life? The head of the entire
continental army is like,
383
00:18:52,001 --> 00:18:55,420
Oh, I'm gonna have breakfast
with, uh, Peggy and Benedict,
384
00:18:55,505 --> 00:18:57,172
my favorite people in the whole world.
385
00:18:57,307 --> 00:19:00,592
He gets these papers that
Benedict Arnold betrayed him,
386
00:19:00,677 --> 00:19:06,982
and he very famously says,
whom do we trust now?
387
00:19:07,066 --> 00:19:08,100
[shudders]
388
00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:12,571
I'm too drunk.
Um, he goes to the house.
389
00:19:12,689 --> 00:19:15,741
Peggy, meanwhile, rips
off half of her clothes.
390
00:19:15,858 --> 00:19:17,275
She's holding
her six-month-old.
391
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:21,196
Peggy says, ah!
You are sent here to kill my baby.
392
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,748
Baby killer, you're
here to kill my baby.
393
00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:26,752
And he's like, oh, my gosh,
you're crazy. You're so cra... no.
394
00:19:26,869 --> 00:19:29,921
He's just like, uh,
women with their hysteria.
395
00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:32,591
She's crazy right now,
but she's absolute...
396
00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:37,462
I can say without a doubt
that she is innocent.
397
00:19:37,547 --> 00:19:39,181
She was...she was... she was brilliant.
398
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,799
She was great.
She wasn't great.
399
00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:44,052
She was bad.
[laughs]
400
00:19:44,137 --> 00:19:46,888
Anyway, Benedict Arnold
joins the British.
401
00:19:46,973 --> 00:19:49,224
He's like, hey, I was
American five minutes ago,
402
00:19:49,308 --> 00:19:51,727
and now I'm British.
Let's do this.
403
00:19:51,811 --> 00:19:53,362
And they were like, no, we
don't... we don't trust you
404
00:19:53,446 --> 00:19:56,411
because you're this traitor.
Just get the [bleep] out of here.
405
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,561
And he was ... by everyone. {*corr}
406
00:19:58,653 --> 00:20:02,287
Then he was this, and
like, limping, sad mean man.
407
00:20:02,405 --> 00:20:08,377
And before he died, he said to Peggy,
take out my continental uniform,
408
00:20:08,461 --> 00:20:10,912
and she put it on him, and he said,
409
00:20:11,047 --> 00:20:14,916
I-I regret ever wearing
any other uniform,
410
00:20:15,001 --> 00:20:19,004
and he died.
He died in his American uniform.
411
00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:21,056
You know what's really
funny about being drunk
412
00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:24,741
is that you really feel
like you're doing all
413
00:20:24,742 --> 00:20:28,013
the important things
that you needed to do.
414
00:20:28,097 --> 00:20:30,098
Right.
415
00:20:30,233 --> 00:20:32,815
[both laugh]
416
00:20:54,389 --> 00:20:57,892
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~