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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Grover Cleveland was
like, Frances is, like,
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gonna be the main bitch.
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Wait, what was I saying?
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Edith [Bleep] Wilson was like, sit down.
I am in charge now.
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Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?
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- Your what?
- Cheesy bread that I brought!
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When the British
arrive, Dolley Madison
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was like I'm just gonna be
checking this [Bleep] out,
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and I'm gonna take care of everything.
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Cheers.
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2x10 - First Ladies
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A first lady is pretty much...
she is... well, obviously
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she is the wife of the president,
but she's around to...
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to kind of, like...
whatever... hold on.
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Let me think.
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- First ladies?
- Yeah.
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- Mm.
- A first lady is a female ambassador
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to the United States of America.
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Without a first lady,
America would be [Bleep].
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Behind every good man is a
ride-or-die kind of bitch,
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and America would not thrive
without a ride-or-die kind of bitch.
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- You know what I'm saying?
- First ladies.
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I'm nose-greasing this beer
'cause I cannot deal with this foam.
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I've never heard "nose-greasing."
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- What?
- I've never heard that term.
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Okay, so you, like,
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- take the side of your face...
- Okay.
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- there's always grease on your face.
- Of course, I have a greasy face.
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Okay, so then you take it,
and you just, like, kind of...
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- Then I have grease in my drink.
- Yeah, which is, like...
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means you can drink it sooner.
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Hello.
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Today we're talking
about Frances Cleveland,
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wife of Grover Cleveland.
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So, like, basically Grover Cleveland
gets elected president,
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and he was just, like, a fat, lonely man
living alone in that white house,
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and he was like, okay, I'm
in a very unique situation.
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I'm not married, and,
like, I need a chick
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that's going to, like,
be the first lady.
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Rose Cleveland, Grover's lesbian sister
was like, let's invite
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the Emma Folsom lady
to a white house something.
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So, like, Emma went to the white house,
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and everyone was like, I think
he's gonna marry Emma Folsom.
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Like, that's going to be
the way this shakes down.
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But then, you know
groves like, kind of saw
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Emma's daughter Frances, this,
like, beautiful 21-year-old girl,
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and he was like, how can I hit that?
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Like, it was romantic, and, like,
he wound up being like,
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let's just you and me take a little tour
of this white house situation.
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So, like, he took her
out to, like, some balcony
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that's all like [Bleep]
romantic or whatever,
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and he was just like, look at this.
Like, look at this.
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He's like, I live in the most
expensive house in America.
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It's [Bleep] fabulous.
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So, like, she like, looked at it
and was like, this is fabulous.
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I could maybe see myself
being the first lady.
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But then Emma Folsom saw that, like,
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Grover was jocking on
her daughter Frances.
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Like, she was like, okay,
like, I think you're about
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to get with the guy that I
like, which is, like, bogus.
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You just, like, get out of the country.
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So she sends her to Europe for,
like, one year after her graduation,
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but unbeknownst to her own damn self,
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Grover Cleveland wrote
Frances, like, a letter,
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and was like, let's get married, and...
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Frances, like, wrote back, like,
yes, I will marry you.
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Like, it was one of those, like...
it was like a Khloe and Lamar
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sort of nine-day wedding situation
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where they, like, very quickly
announced their engagement.
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Grover was like, Frances is, like,
gonna be the main bitch.
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The press freaked out.
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So, like, Grover was like, okay.
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Well, I will be fully
committed to a certain woman,
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I will be fully committed to a woman
that's my husband... wife.
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Wait, what was I saying?
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I didn't eat today.
That's so bad.
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- We need to get some food in you.
- Okay, wait. Let's see you.
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Oh, honey. Cute.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
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One, place "frogen" nuggets.
Frozen.
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Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
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- What do you think?
- Killing it.
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So, like, they did that,
and the press was, like, hounding.
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Like, this was the first
time that some president,
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like, married a girl
while he was in the white house.
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She was kind of like an it girl.
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Like, every time she
was on a magazine cover,
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they would move mad units.
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It's like her image
was really exploited,
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and people were putting her
everywhere and everything
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from, like, household cleaning
products to, like, small personal items.
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Like, pill boxes, wooden things,
because they felt that, like, yeah,
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this girl will sell [Bleep],
but she was like, whatever.
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You guys can, like,
bastardize me and turn me into
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all of these different
commercial products,
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but, like, actually I'm
a college-educated woman.
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I'm put together, and, like,
people are interested in me
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in a way that they haven't been
interested in other first ladies,
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and I'm gonna, like, blow that up.
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Like, if everyone's gonna
be paying attention to me,
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let's make sure they're paying
attention to me for the right reasons.
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And by the way, I would
like to be called Frank.
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I mean, you can call me Frances or you
can call me Frank, but mostly Frank.
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That's pretty cool... a girl saying
she wants to be called Frank.
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I mean, that's the thing is,
like, she was a down-ass bitch.
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Like, she's like, every single Saturday,
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I'm going to meet with the
working women of Washington,
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and there would be lines forming
outside of the white house.
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And Frances Cleveland, like,
saw two young girls eating out of...
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out of a dumpster one day.
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She's like, that's not right.
Like, this is not right.
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And so she started a
charity called, like,
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the Home for friendless colored girls.
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I'm gonna say, like, that's
a brutal name for a charity.
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Shh.
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Can you be quiet?
Wait one second.
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Okay, that's good.
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But she had all this [Bleep] going on.
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So, like, Grover was like,
I don't want my wife especially...
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a woman shouldn't bother
their head with politics.
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But, like, especially my wife should not
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be bothering her head with politics.
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Like, she...
Oh, hold on. Where's my lighter?
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Thank you.
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She was the one that said like,
yeah, okay. Like, yeah, okay, Groves.
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Like, you're, like... you're telling me
that I can't have a political opinion
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or you're telling me whatever,
but, like, [Bleep] It.
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These are my girls.
Like, I'm gonna have these people,
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I'm gonna shake all of their hands,
I'm gonna hear their thoughts,
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I'm gonna hear their voices.
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And she went out of her
way to support women.
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Like, she was so charitable,
and she never stopped.
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And on her very last
day in the white house,
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23,000 people
came out to meet her,
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and she was like,
thanks so much.
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She's great. I usually...
honestly, I'm in love with her.
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Like, I think she's the
greatest first lady ever.
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Cheers.
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- Cheers to day-drinking.
- Day-drinking.
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"College".
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Edith Wilson was the
first female president.
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She was like, I'm
just gonna [Bleep] make
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the deci...
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Make the decisions myself.
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Do you have a favorite first lady?
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I think Michelle
Obama really gets my vote
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because she's got really toned arms.
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To me, when I think of a first lady,
I always think of Jackie O.
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- I love Hillary Clinton.
- Lady bird Johnson.
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She was beautiful and fashionable.
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I like the poise and the charisma
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Talk about a bitch that
could serve some face.
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I might throw up.
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- You think?
- Well, no.
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I actually didn't even drink that much.
Just two bottles, but then
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before I came, I had three drinks.
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Hello.
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Today we're gonna talk
about Edith Wilson,
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the first female President
of the United States.
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Woodrow Wilson was the
president of... of America.
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The United States of America.
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Edith [Bleep] Wilson was
the goddamn president's wife.
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So Woodrow Wilson, he had
18 months left in office,
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and he has a [Bleep] stroke.
His doctor was like,
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uh, Woodrow Wilson has
had a stroke, a big stroke.
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Like, we can't move, y'all, stroke.
So what you gon' do?
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And Edith was like, well,
who I love is this man.
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for who he is, and
who he is is a guy who
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wants to be president
for some [Bleep] reason.
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So if I don't...
just ignore that.
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If I don't... just ignore that.
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If I don't help him be president,
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what a kind of wife am I?
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The doctor's like, uh...
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you got to run the [bleep] country
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'cause this guy's out for the count.
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So Edith was like,
no problem. I got this.
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Shut up. Sit down.
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I am in charge now.
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Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?
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- Your what?
- Cheesy bread that I brought.
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- Can we finish this part?
- What part?
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- The part that we want to do.
- My cheesy bread.
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- We're still doing it.
- All right. Well...
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I don't want the bread anymore.
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So Edith Wilson told America,
hey, guys.
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Excuse me.
My husband, the President...
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he's very tired,
and he will be resting.
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He's very tired, so he needs to rest.
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And she even went to Congress
and was like, hey, no big deal.
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I'm giving him everything
you're saying, Congress.
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I'm giving him all the
letters and other things.
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So, what do you guys think
of this rule or a law or
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thing that we're working on?
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And they'd be like,
whatever, we think this.
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And then she'd bring it
to Woodrow who was like,
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half awake, and she'd
be like, all right.
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Well, Congress is
like, blah, blah, blah.
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And he'd be like...
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And she was like, well,
I guess I'll compromise.
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I'm just gonna [Bleep] make the deci...
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Make the decisions myself.
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00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:07,919
So basically, Edith Wilson
was the first female president.
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She ran memos between Congress and him.
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Congress is like,
all right. What? What?
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What is going on?
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So Congress picked this one
republican senator, Albert Fall.
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They're like, Albert, go see
what his true condition is.
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Go see what Wilson's true condition is.
So Albert Fall shows up.
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He's like, can we come in
and see the true condition?
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She's not [Bleep] stupid.
She's like yeah, sure.
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Come on in.
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So Albert Fall comes in.
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It was like, yep,
he's not... this is him.
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Making decisions every day,
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and not I... take the...
thank you, honey.
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And I take the... the papers from him
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that I don't understand 'cause
I'm just some dumb broad.
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And Edith just propped
up Woodrow in bed.
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Like, waving, like hey.
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And they're like,
oh, okay. Cool.
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And she's like, bye.
And then they leave.
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That's how dumb government is.
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We had a woman [Bleep]
running this country,
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00:12:15,454 --> 00:12:17,414
and guess what? You
could go, nothing good
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00:12:17,415 --> 00:12:19,419
happened, but I can go,
nothing bad happened.
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00:12:19,454 --> 00:12:23,419
9/11 didn't happen on her watch. Um...
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00:12:23,454 --> 00:12:27,419
Disneyland with Johnny
Depp at the ani...
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00:12:27,454 --> 00:12:31,419
the... ho... the haunted mansion
that's all Tim Burton...
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00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:33,419
that didn't happen on her watch.
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00:12:33,454 --> 00:12:37,419
Christmas and Halloween
combined, a lot of things...
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Basically everyone at this point
is like, where is the president?
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Where is our boss?
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00:12:46,204 --> 00:12:49,169
Who ever in the name of God is like,
235
00:12:49,204 --> 00:12:52,169
"our boss is missing. We
can't wait to get him back"?
236
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:54,169
Nobody!
237
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:57,169
Nobody wants to see they boss.
238
00:12:57,204 --> 00:13:00,169
Ow! Ow.
239
00:13:00,204 --> 00:13:04,169
So she literally is like,
I can feel the heat on me.
240
00:13:04,204 --> 00:13:07,055
I know what I'll do.
I'll set up a photoshoot,
241
00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:10,209
'cause they can sense America
breathing down their neck,
242
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:14,169
and they prop up Woodrow Wilson
in the oval office.
243
00:13:14,204 --> 00:13:17,169
So he's, like, sitting there,
244
00:13:17,204 --> 00:13:19,169
and they, like, move his arm,
245
00:13:19,204 --> 00:13:21,169
and then they just
release that to the press,
246
00:13:21,204 --> 00:13:24,169
and that's how dumb
people were back then.
247
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:28,795
They're like, oh, there's the president
sitting there signing a document.
248
00:13:29,169 --> 00:13:32,742
What the heck were we
worried about? He seems to
249
00:13:32,743 --> 00:13:36,169
be all at work and [Bleep].
So, that's all fine.
250
00:13:36,204 --> 00:13:39,169
That's how she ran the country.
251
00:13:39,204 --> 00:13:45,169
- That's a good story.
- This is our...
252
00:13:45,204 --> 00:13:48,169
- Can I just get back up?
- Watch your head.
253
00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:50,169
- Huh?
- Can I just get back up?
254
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:54,169
- Yeah.
- But it's not on the show.
255
00:13:54,204 --> 00:13:57,169
- What?
- Anything.
256
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,169
When does it start filming?
257
00:14:00,219 --> 00:14:03,219
British ass[Bleep]
[Bleep] the white house up.
258
00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:07,219
Washington is like
L.A. riots times ten.
259
00:14:08,219 --> 00:14:10,219
I don't know what that means.
260
00:14:10,254 --> 00:14:12,219
I don't either.
261
00:14:16,497 --> 00:14:18,057
Have you ever heard
of Dolley Madison?
262
00:14:18,082 --> 00:14:20,497
No.
263
00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:22,497
I just thought of Dolly Parton.
Sorry.
264
00:14:22,532 --> 00:14:25,497
And I just envisioned her as the
first lady, and that was funny.
265
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:29,497
Hello.
I'm Jenny Johnson,
266
00:14:29,532 --> 00:14:31,497
and we're about to talk about
267
00:14:31,532 --> 00:14:36,497
first lady Dolley Madison,
so buckle up.
268
00:14:38,532 --> 00:14:41,497
All right. Or something.
269
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:44,497
So Dolley Madison was the
wife to the president
270
00:14:44,532 --> 00:14:46,497
of the United States,
James Madison.
271
00:14:46,532 --> 00:14:49,497
Dolley smoked, Dolley drank,
272
00:14:49,532 --> 00:14:51,197
Dolley dipped snuff.
273
00:14:51,312 --> 00:14:55,277
Dolley was a big party monster,
and everyone loves her.
274
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:58,277
At the time, the white
house was under construction,
275
00:14:58,312 --> 00:15:01,113
so Dolley jumps in with this
architect, and she starts
276
00:15:01,114 --> 00:15:03,557
getting drapes, and she
starts getting paintings,
277
00:15:03,582 --> 00:15:06,277
and she makes the white
house, like, awesome.
278
00:15:06,312 --> 00:15:08,277
- I'm gonna take a drink now.
- Yeah.
279
00:15:08,312 --> 00:15:09,277
- Do it.
- Mm-hmm.
280
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,277
And I put my pinky out
so you know I'm a lady.
281
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:17,277
- I thought that's what you were doing.
- Mm-hmm.
282
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:20,277
But then the war of 1812 happens,
283
00:15:20,312 --> 00:15:24,277
so when Britain... when
they arrived on the shores,
284
00:15:24,312 --> 00:15:28,277
this British guys show up,
and they're like, awesome.
285
00:15:28,312 --> 00:15:29,277
Like, no one's here.
286
00:15:29,312 --> 00:15:32,277
So we'll just drop anchor
and start trashing the place.
287
00:15:32,312 --> 00:15:36,277
While Dolley and James
were in the white house,
288
00:15:36,312 --> 00:15:38,477
they get word that
holy [Bleep], these guys have landed,
289
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:40,277
and they're heading this way.
290
00:15:40,312 --> 00:15:42,277
So James Madison's like, you know what?
291
00:15:42,312 --> 00:15:44,277
I'm gonna get on a horse,
and I'm gonna go there,
292
00:15:44,312 --> 00:15:48,277
and I'm gonna be like, guess what?
Knock, knock. President's here.
293
00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:50,277
And she's like, okay,
see you for dinner.
294
00:15:50,312 --> 00:15:51,277
James leaves.
295
00:15:51,312 --> 00:15:54,277
She stays in the white
house while everybody else
296
00:15:54,312 --> 00:15:57,277
in Washington is kind of
being pussies and leaving.
297
00:15:57,312 --> 00:15:59,277
And she's like holy [Bleep].
298
00:15:59,312 --> 00:16:04,277
James just left on a horse,
and this [Bleep]'s going down.
299
00:16:04,312 --> 00:16:09,277
Like, I can hear cannons going off.
I can hear this [Bleep] happening.
300
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:13,277
So Dolley was like, to show
Washington that I'm not leaving...
301
00:16:13,312 --> 00:16:16,277
everyone else can be
pussies and they can leave...
302
00:16:16,312 --> 00:16:18,277
I've got my spyglass,
303
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:20,277
and I'm just gonna be
checking this [Bleep] out,
304
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,801
and I'm gonna take care of everything.
305
00:16:22,027 --> 00:16:23,307
Until this guy knocks on the door
306
00:16:23,342 --> 00:16:25,307
and he's like, everything's
gone to [Bleep].
307
00:16:25,342 --> 00:16:28,027
The hundred guys that were
securing the white house,
308
00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:31,027
they... they're gone,
'cause they're pussies.
309
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,914
You got to get the [Bleep] out.
310
00:16:33,027 --> 00:16:34,427
British ass[Bleep] are about to come
311
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:38,027
take a giant dump on Washington,
312
00:16:38,062 --> 00:16:40,027
and they're gonna [Bleep]
the white house up.
313
00:16:40,062 --> 00:16:43,027
But then she's like,
I got to pack my [Bleep].
314
00:16:43,062 --> 00:16:48,027
She started taking the
red velvet curtains,
315
00:16:48,062 --> 00:16:49,027
silver serving dishes,
316
00:16:49,062 --> 00:16:51,787
and all the China from the white house,
317
00:16:52,027 --> 00:16:54,067
but then she's like, there's
this beautiful portrait
318
00:16:54,092 --> 00:16:58,027
of George Washington.
I'm not gonna leave that.
319
00:16:58,062 --> 00:17:01,027
She tells the servants, get
that portrait out of there.
320
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:03,026
And they took the portrait out,
321
00:17:03,027 --> 00:17:06,027
and one of guys was like, okay,
I'll just, like, roll it up.
322
00:17:06,062 --> 00:17:08,027
And she's like, no, guys.
We're not rolling it up.
323
00:17:08,062 --> 00:17:11,027
You know, like, this is not...
324
00:17:11,062 --> 00:17:15,727
you know, it's not
a Jimi Hendrix poster.
325
00:17:15,862 --> 00:17:16,827
The British arrive.
326
00:17:16,862 --> 00:17:19,827
You know, they're just like,
burn this [Bleep] down.
327
00:17:19,862 --> 00:17:22,427
Like, burn the [Bleep] out of it.
328
00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:26,515
Y'all smile and wave at me real quick.
329
00:17:29,827 --> 00:17:32,827
Okay, I got to instagram this [Bleep].
330
00:17:32,862 --> 00:17:35,827
She leaves, but then
she's like, oh, snap.
331
00:17:35,862 --> 00:17:38,827
Declaration of independence.
So she takes that.
332
00:17:38,982 --> 00:17:42,947
I mean, in, like, just
enough time to get out.
333
00:17:42,982 --> 00:17:44,947
So they trash Washington.
334
00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:48,947
You know, they're just...
they're just really being ass[Bleep].
335
00:17:48,982 --> 00:17:52,925
So Dolley Madison takes
all the important things
336
00:17:52,926 --> 00:17:55,947
that meant something to
this country before she left.
337
00:17:55,982 --> 00:18:01,947
So post-all of this terrible,
you know, burning up [Bleep],
338
00:18:01,982 --> 00:18:03,947
all these people in Congress were like,
339
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:08,947
Washington is like
L.A. riots times ten.
340
00:18:08,982 --> 00:18:12,947
- Why don't we just move to Philadelphia?
- Let's take a vote.
341
00:18:12,982 --> 00:18:17,622
And James Madison was like, great.
This sucks.
342
00:18:17,947 --> 00:18:20,947
Everyone hates me and thinks
that this war was my fault.
343
00:18:20,982 --> 00:18:24,964
And Dolley was like, I know,
but what we need to do is
344
00:18:24,965 --> 00:18:28,947
convince these idiots that
they can't be voting this way
345
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,947
just because they're scared.
346
00:18:30,982 --> 00:18:33,947
And throw some parties,
'cause you know what I do best?
347
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:35,947
Party.
348
00:18:43,961 --> 00:18:45,961
And I'm gonna pour that in there.
349
00:18:45,996 --> 00:18:47,961
- Ooh.
- Oop. Whoo.
350
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:51,961
And then that is the most
lady-like drink
351
00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:54,961
- you will ever have in your life.
- And cheers to Dolley.
352
00:18:54,996 --> 00:18:56,961
To Dolley Madison, y'all.
353
00:18:56,996 --> 00:19:00,146
So she would have these
parties at the octagon
354
00:19:00,147 --> 00:19:02,961
house, this, like,
tricked-out brick place.
355
00:19:02,996 --> 00:19:05,961
She would work the room,
like, you know what?
356
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:07,961
I realize that everyone wants to get out
357
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:09,721
of Washington because
it's burned to [Bleep].
358
00:19:09,746 --> 00:19:12,961
It's not like that.
Like, you're voting for stupid [Bleep].
359
00:19:12,996 --> 00:19:14,961
Don't remove us from Washington.
360
00:19:14,996 --> 00:19:18,840
The white house is a symbol
of this... you know,
361
00:19:18,841 --> 00:19:22,961
what we... what we are.
Cheers.
362
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:23,961
Cheers, guys.
363
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:24,961
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
364
00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:27,961
Everybody, cheers.
365
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,961
After four months of partying,
366
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:35,961
they looked at Dolley and they're like,
you know what, Dolley?
367
00:19:35,996 --> 00:19:40,961
We just partied for four months,
and you convinced us.
368
00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:45,961
This is where the white house
is gonna be... Washington.
369
00:19:45,996 --> 00:19:50,699
And one day,
maybe Abraham Lincoln...
370
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:53,961
we don't know who he is at this point,
but he is gonna do stuff,
371
00:19:53,996 --> 00:19:56,961
and they decided that at
Dolley Madison's party.
372
00:19:56,996 --> 00:20:01,961
So Dolley rocked the
[Bleep] out of America,
373
00:20:01,996 --> 00:20:05,961
and Dolley Madison was
truly our first first lady,
374
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,961
and people just, like,
fell in love with that term,
375
00:20:09,996 --> 00:20:13,961
and after that
every wife of a president
376
00:20:13,996 --> 00:20:15,961
was known as the first lady.
377
00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:18,961
So today, in the white house,
378
00:20:18,996 --> 00:20:22,961
where that portrait that Dolley saved
of George Washington hangs,
379
00:20:22,996 --> 00:20:28,043
looking directly on to it
is a portrait of Dolley Madison.
380
00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:29,961
She's looking out for G. W.
381
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,961
You know what?
That's pretty awesome.
382
00:20:32,996 --> 00:20:36,917
And, uh, yeah, that's why Dolley
rips... rips this [Bleep] up.
383
00:20:38,776 --> 00:20:39,901
I don't know what that means.
384
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,741
- I don't either.
- Okay.
385
00:20:54,632 --> 00:20:58,087
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