1
00:00:00,084 --> 00:00:01,863
The one who plays Jamie
is not English.

2
00:00:01,900 --> 00:00:02,614
He's not.

3
00:00:02,614 --> 00:00:04,766
I don't know what nationality he is,
but he's definitely not English.

4
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:05,638
That's amazing.

5
00:00:05,953 --> 00:00:06,806
- Whoa!

6
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:09,930
Come on, Max, no.
Bad dog, bad.

7
00:00:10,215 --> 00:00:13,957
I'm so sorry.
I just rescued him from a shelter.

8
00:00:13,968 --> 00:00:14,842
[dog barking fiercely]

9
00:00:14,864 --> 00:00:17,088
He seems to get really aggressive
towards people

10
00:00:17,122 --> 00:00:19,239
With darker-colored skin.
I'm so sorry.

11
00:00:20,593 --> 00:00:21,743
Don't worry about it.

12
00:00:21,754 --> 00:00:23,504
Yeah, I guess you never know
what they've been through

13
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:24,563
before you get them.

14
00:00:24,585 --> 00:00:26,541
Yeah, we don't think
that your dog's racist.

15
00:00:27,783 --> 00:00:29,896
[dramatic music]

16
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,684
[all dogs barking]

17
00:00:44,465 --> 00:00:47,246
[dogs barking aggressively]

18
00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:50,977
[bell dings,
crowd cheers]

19
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:54,302
[soul music]

20
00:00:55,093 --> 00:00:56,959
[monitor beeping]

21
00:01:04,605 --> 00:01:08,705
Sync & corrections: dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

22
00:01:08,946 --> 00:01:13,216
[cheers and applause]

23
00:01:13,728 --> 00:01:14,794
Whoo!

24
00:01:16,265 --> 00:01:17,486
Welcome!

25
00:01:21,386 --> 00:01:24,617
Oh, my God. Thank you
so much for coming out.

26
00:01:24,690 --> 00:01:27,400
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.

27
00:01:27,418 --> 00:01:28,705
And we are Key and Peele.

28
00:01:28,771 --> 00:01:30,530
So thank you.

29
00:01:34,614 --> 00:01:35,928
[chuckles] Um...

30
00:01:36,635 --> 00:01:38,803
That...that, uh...
just if you were wondering,

31
00:01:38,843 --> 00:01:40,873
- That was a racist dog.
- Actual racist dog.

32
00:01:40,899 --> 00:01:41,986
The dog was actually racist.

33
00:01:42,090 --> 00:01:45,119
Came to the set
with its own [bleep] hood.

34
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,827
Yes. He just...
he slipped right into it.

35
00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:50,393
- It was crazy.
- I wanted to say to that dog so bad

36
00:01:50,426 --> 00:01:52,120
like, "you know you have
brown spots on you?

37
00:01:52,127 --> 00:01:54,413
"You know that?
You know that?"

38
00:01:54,413 --> 00:01:56,720
It was weird. He came...
He was Method, you know,

39
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:58,978
He [bleep] pissed
on my leg immediately.

40
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:00,636
I'm telling you...

41
00:02:00,636 --> 00:02:02,594
He thought I was trying
to steal his bone.

42
00:02:06,336 --> 00:02:08,890
- Mm-hmm, that's right.
- So, he's the most famous racist dog.

43
00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:11,130
He's the Mel Gibson of dogs.
That's who he was.

44
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:12,747
That's right. That's right.

45
00:02:12,895 --> 00:02:14,398
[laughter and applause]

46
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,230
Do you guys
know dubstep music?

47
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:19,977
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.

48
00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:23,686
So dubstep music is...
Is it music?

49
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,861
It's not quite mu... Well, I...
When I introduced it to you...

50
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:29,197
- Yes.
- I saw... I [bleep] blew your mind.

51
00:02:29,237 --> 00:02:32,151
You did blow my mind, because
I thought I was listening to a song,

52
00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:35,206
And then an alien communiqué
took place in the middle of the song.

53
00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:37,154
If you don't know what dubstep is,
it's like this.

54
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,320
It always... It starts off,
and it's like,

55
00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:43,066
♪ ba na na na wha na na
na na na na ♪

56
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:46,807
And then a [bleep]...
a dubstep fan will always go,

57
00:02:46,927 --> 00:02:48,743
"Dude, [bleep] wait for it."

58
00:02:48,818 --> 00:02:50,496
[laughing]

59
00:02:52,967 --> 00:02:54,956
- You can't rap to dubstep.
- You can't. No, you can't.

60
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,515
♪ I'm the mother[bleep]
from the... ♪

61
00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,045
- [growling distortion]
- [rapping incoherently]

62
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,446
♪ uh buh buh buh ♪

63
00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:03,139
♪ I'm the mother[bleep]
on the street ♪

64
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,595
[robotic sounds]
Ah, [bleep] hell!

65
00:03:05,596 --> 00:03:06,919
[growls distortion]

66
00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:10,483
So I have finished the kitchen.

67
00:03:10,495 --> 00:03:12,820
I have finished my bedroom.
I have finished the office.

68
00:03:12,881 --> 00:03:14,749
And I'm just wrapping up
the living room.

69
00:03:14,781 --> 00:03:15,856
- Okay.
- So yeah.

70
00:03:15,856 --> 00:03:17,720
- I'll get pack-a-lackin'.
- I love it. I love it.

71
00:03:17,785 --> 00:03:19,861
- Mind if I put on some music?
- I do not. I do not.

72
00:03:19,886 --> 00:03:21,820
All right. I got this new dubstep.

73
00:03:21,879 --> 00:03:24,422
Uh, dubste... What is that?
I don't know what that is.

74
00:03:24,815 --> 00:03:27,131
- Oh, dude, you're gonna love it.
- Oh, cool. Cool, man.

75
00:03:27,211 --> 00:03:28,044
[stereo beeps]

76
00:03:28,096 --> 00:03:30,030
[peaceful electronic intro]

77
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:32,199
Ooh, I like this.

78
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,913
- Wait for the drop.
- I'm sorry, "the drop"?

79
00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:37,693
[thrumming electronic bass line]

80
00:03:44,707 --> 00:03:47,731
- What is happening?
- What?

81
00:03:47,793 --> 00:03:50,965
- What is this?
- I can't hear you!

82
00:03:51,352 --> 00:03:52,653
[music stops]
[gasping]

83
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:55,979
- What is that?
- The music?

84
00:03:56,124 --> 00:03:58,192
- I'm sorry, is that music?
- Oh, yeah.

85
00:03:58,287 --> 00:04:01,197
Dude, that's the dubstep, man.
That's my jam.

86
00:04:01,385 --> 00:04:04,735
Well, it's... it's a little, uh,
loud and disorienting.

87
00:04:04,771 --> 00:04:07,053
And, you know, you're being
a little rough with my things.

88
00:04:07,119 --> 00:04:09,387
Rough with...?
Dude, your stuff is fine.

89
00:04:09,426 --> 00:04:12,876
- Why am I sweating so much?
- Because you're feelin' it.

90
00:04:12,924 --> 00:04:14,925
- Is that a good thing?
- Yes!

91
00:04:15,814 --> 00:04:18,129
Come on, man.
Just give it another shot.

92
00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,938
Okay. Okay.
I will.

93
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:25,131
[thrumming bass line,
electronic chirps]

94
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:33,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

95
00:04:43,655 --> 00:04:46,475
Whoa, dude!
You're totally jacking my flow up.

96
00:04:46,525 --> 00:04:48,836
Dude, your nose is bleeding,
and so is mine.

97
00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:49,673
[gasping]

98
00:04:49,861 --> 00:04:51,362
[laughing]
Awesome.

99
00:04:51,430 --> 00:04:53,297
It doesn't really seem
like music to me.

100
00:04:54,126 --> 00:04:57,274
Okay. Wow.
Wally getting a little bit old.

101
00:04:57,391 --> 00:04:58,976
No, don't do that.
Come on.

102
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,956
No. Didn't realize that.
Okay.

103
00:05:01,061 --> 00:05:02,976
Um, yeah, what would you
rather listen to?

104
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,300
I can hook you up with some
Hootie & The Blowfish, if that's your...

105
00:05:05,326 --> 00:05:06,723
- Oh, that's funny.
- Is that good?

106
00:05:06,789 --> 00:05:07,823
Want some Color Me Badd?

107
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,779
You know what? Go ahead.
I don't care. I see what you're doing.

108
00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:13,687
Go ahead and play it. I don't care.
Because I'm not that old.

109
00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:17,388
I can get into it, okay? Let's just
get this stuff packed. Play it!

110
00:05:18,507 --> 00:05:21,409
[erratic electronic beats,
mixed sound effects]

111
00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:45,394
[screams]

112
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:47,740
[glass shatters,
car alarm blares]

113
00:05:47,779 --> 00:05:49,626
[gasps]

114
00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:53,498
- I think I'm getting it!
- Yeah!

115
00:05:53,596 --> 00:05:57,042
Ha, ha!
[laughing maniacally]

116
00:05:58,469 --> 00:06:01,237
Free at last,
free at last,

117
00:06:01,249 --> 00:06:04,234
Thank God Almighty,
we are free at last

118
00:06:04,474 --> 00:06:07,192
[cheers and applause]

119
00:06:13,011 --> 00:06:15,627
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your next speaker,

120
00:06:15,646 --> 00:06:18,805
<i>the Reverend Robert Jones.</i>
[moderate applause]

121
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:26,735
[whispers]
How am I s'posed to follow that?

122
00:06:27,163 --> 00:06:29,335
I can't.
Nobody can follow that.

123
00:06:29,405 --> 00:06:31,039
How am I s...

124
00:06:31,107 --> 00:06:32,566
I can, uh...

125
00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:34,393
Oh.
[feedback]

126
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,084
All right.
[shrill feedback]

127
00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:39,982
Good afternoon.
Um...

128
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:42,756
That... that is the...

129
00:06:42,796 --> 00:06:45,998
The best speech I've ever heard
in my entire life. [chuckles]

130
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:50,605
Ever.
I have never heard a better speech.

131
00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:54,311
[chuckles] And now,
it is my turn to speak.

132
00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:58,540
Huh.
[chuckles and stammers]

133
00:06:59,224 --> 00:07:01,125
Who put this running order
together, right?

134
00:07:01,609 --> 00:07:04,978
You know, um,
Dr. King, uh,

135
00:07:05,017 --> 00:07:08,152
he... he actually covered a lot...
a lot of what I was gonna say.

136
00:07:08,183 --> 00:07:11,575
Um, you know, my...
my speech is, uh, uh...

137
00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,064
You gonna
find this funny, y'all.

138
00:07:13,188 --> 00:07:16,644
My speech was actually called, uh,
"A Vision for the Future."

139
00:07:17,141 --> 00:07:19,706
I'm not saying that Dr. King
copied my speech.

140
00:07:19,878 --> 00:07:21,111
I'm...
[crowd murmurs]

141
00:07:21,123 --> 00:07:24,367
No! No! No, I'm... I'm...
I'm saying I'm not saying that.

142
00:07:24,432 --> 00:07:26,467
I'm not saying
he tried to copy it.

143
00:07:26,506 --> 00:07:28,774
You... Why don't y'all listen
to what I'm s...

144
00:07:28,814 --> 00:07:30,715
[murmuring intensifies]
Wow. You know what?

145
00:07:30,728 --> 00:07:31,794
[crowd booing]
No, come on!

146
00:07:31,806 --> 00:07:36,024
I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. It's a joke.

147
00:07:36,077 --> 00:07:38,512
Did I not say it
like a joke?

148
00:07:38,607 --> 00:07:39,597
Ok...

149
00:07:41,138 --> 00:07:42,398
No?

150
00:07:43,618 --> 00:07:45,052
Apparently,
I have six more minutes.

151
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,783
[soul music]

152
00:07:48,905 --> 00:07:50,646
[intense music]

153
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,594
Hi, everybody, I'm Dave Stassen
alongside Geoff Worthing.

154
00:07:53,627 --> 00:07:55,962
And welcome to the annual
East/West bowl,

155
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:59,107
as we get ready to watch some of
the best college players in the nation

156
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:02,597
Showcase their skills
in a classic showdown

157
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,506
between East and West.

158
00:08:04,661 --> 00:08:06,493
And there really
are some characters

159
00:08:06,530 --> 00:08:08,316
on this year's squads,
aren't there, Geoff?

160
00:08:08,347 --> 00:08:09,857
That's right, Dave.
It does seem

161
00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:12,393
It does seem like the most
flamboyant personalities

162
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,843
came to the forefront,
and they are here.

163
00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:17,011
Let's meet the players
from the East.

164
00:08:17,051 --> 00:08:20,053
[rock music]

165
00:08:22,145 --> 00:08:25,113
D'Marcus Williums,
University of Georgia.

166
00:08:25,183 --> 00:08:27,952
T.J. Juckson,
Wayne State University.

167
00:08:27,964 --> 00:08:30,766
T'Variusness King,
Merrimack College.

168
00:08:30,806 --> 00:08:34,522
Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace,
University of Miami.

169
00:08:35,038 --> 00:08:38,541
D'Squarius Green, Jr.,
University of Notre-Dame.

170
00:08:38,914 --> 00:08:42,886
Ibrahim Moizoos, University
of Tennessee at Chattanooga

171
00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:47,316
Jackmerius Tacktheritrix,
Michigan State University.

172
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:51,098
D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde,
Coastal Carolina University.

173
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,916
[lisping]
D'Jathper Probincrux the Third,

174
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:56,705
Thouth Carolina Thtate
Univerthity.

175
00:08:57,226 --> 00:09:00,153
Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz,

176
00:09:00,199 --> 00:09:01,647
East Carolina University.

177
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:04,677
Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,

178
00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:06,729
University of Middle Tennessee.

179
00:09:07,048 --> 00:09:09,683
Davoin Shower-Handel,

180
00:09:09,722 --> 00:09:11,924
University of Southern Mississippi.

181
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,895
Hingle McCringleberry,
Penn State University.

182
00:09:15,328 --> 00:09:17,849
L'Carpetron Dookmarriot,

183
00:09:17,941 --> 00:09:19,817
Florida Atlantic University.

184
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:24,708
J'Dinkalage Morgoone,
University of South Florida.

185
00:09:25,277 --> 00:09:27,545
Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,

186
00:09:27,612 --> 00:09:29,648
California University
of Pennsylvania.

187
00:09:32,340 --> 00:09:34,645
We're going to be looking
for big plays all game long

188
00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:37,043
from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.

189
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,901
And let's not forget
the tight ends,

190
00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:42,339
Ibrahim Moizoos
and Hingle McCringleberry.

191
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,877
- They've both had amazing seasons.
- That's right, Geoff.

192
00:09:44,941 --> 00:09:46,575
Now let's meet the players
from the west.

193
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,363
[rock music]

194
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:55,631
Saggitariutt Jefferspin,
Texas A & M.

195
00:09:56,146 --> 00:09:59,315
D'Glester Hardunkichud,
University of Wisconsin.

196
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:03,414
Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt,
Saskatchewan University.

197
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,041
Quatro Quatro,
San Jose State University.

198
00:10:07,864 --> 00:10:11,772
Ozamataz Buckshank,
Stanford University.

199
00:10:12,596 --> 00:10:15,627
Beezer Twelve Washingbeard,
Jones College.

200
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:18,433
Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,

201
00:10:18,703 --> 00:10:20,504
University of Northern Arizona.

202
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,435
X-wing @aliciousness,

203
00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:25,908
Missouri Western
State University.

204
00:10:26,255 --> 00:10:29,737
Sequester Grundelplith, M.D.,
Adams State.

205
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,202
Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,

206
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,932
South Dakota State University.

207
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:38,130
T.J. A.J. R.J.
Backslashinfourth the Fifth,

208
00:10:38,423 --> 00:10:39,823
Albion College.

209
00:10:40,308 --> 00:10:42,556
[squeals]

210
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,645
San Diego State University.

211
00:10:46,186 --> 00:10:49,243
Donkey Teeth,
Boise State University.

212
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:53,402
Torque... [jackhammer drilling]

213
00:10:53,526 --> 00:10:55,810
Lewith,
Nevada State...

214
00:10:56,618 --> 00:10:57,706
Penitentiary.

215
00:10:58,169 --> 00:11:01,223
The player formerly known
as mousecop,

216
00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,418
University of Missouri,
Columbia.

217
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:07,400
Dan Smith, B.Y.U.

218
00:11:09,592 --> 00:11:10,959
[cheers and applause]

219
00:11:15,806 --> 00:11:17,694
There's nothing...
Hey... It... Here's the thing.

220
00:11:17,706 --> 00:11:20,111
- We had to do something...
- Yes, we had to.

221
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:23,751
Because there's an offensive lineman
for the New York Jets...

222
00:11:23,890 --> 00:11:26,863
- My man's name is...
- (both) D'brickashaw Ferguson.

223
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:30,301
That is his real name.

224
00:11:30,313 --> 00:11:32,023
His mama named him
D'Brickashaw Ferguson.

225
00:11:32,176 --> 00:11:34,798
Someone asked her, "Where'd
his name come from, ma'am?"

226
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:37,777
And she said, "it's a family name."
Bitch, it ain't no family name.

227
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,196
That is not a family name!

228
00:11:39,243 --> 00:11:42,385
We ain't talking about the "Ferguson."
We talkin' about "D'Brickashaw," bitch!

229
00:11:43,752 --> 00:11:45,736
- Where you get that?
- D'Brickashaw.

230
00:11:46,045 --> 00:11:49,081
There's, like, three different nouns
in your son's first name.

231
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,677
- Come on!
- Come on, now.

232
00:11:50,772 --> 00:11:52,743
Just threw letters
in a bucket, and just went...

233
00:11:52,791 --> 00:11:54,995
[grunting]

234
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:56,884
-Leodis McKelvin.
- Leodis McKelvin.

235
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,228
What are we, in Middle Earth?
Who is this?

236
00:11:59,292 --> 00:12:01,678
I knew a girl... I knew... Well,
I didn't know... I didn't know her,

237
00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:04,323
but I knew about a girl who
went to a school back home.

238
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:08,035
My girl's name was spelled
L-hyphen-A. "La-dash-A."

239
00:12:08,089 --> 00:12:11,367
- Mm. Mm-mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm.

240
00:12:14,313 --> 00:12:16,114
Let's see here.
Red... Red hills of Georgia.

241
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,927
He, uh, got that out there.

242
00:12:17,966 --> 00:12:19,967
[chuckles]

243
00:12:20,341 --> 00:12:21,541
Okay, you know what?

244
00:12:21,554 --> 00:12:23,249
All right, here... Here's something...
Here's something new.

245
00:12:23,316 --> 00:12:24,783
Here's something brand new.

246
00:12:24,783 --> 00:12:27,171
How... Okay, this is off,
me talking off the top of my head

247
00:12:27,171 --> 00:12:28,738
here, everybody.
Uh, what...

248
00:12:28,778 --> 00:12:32,480
How about if we let, uh,
black people enslave

249
00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:33,837
white people for... [crowd boos]

250
00:12:33,904 --> 00:12:36,778
Okay, you know, that sounded a lot
better in my head before I said it.

251
00:12:36,846 --> 00:12:39,788
[booing continues] So that, uh,
that wouldn't work.

252
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:44,012
Is it warm?
Is anybody else warm?

253
00:12:45,394 --> 00:12:46,482
Whoo!

254
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:50,000
[soul music]

255
00:12:50,373 --> 00:12:52,675
I, uh, I vacuumed
my carpet the other day.

256
00:12:52,686 --> 00:12:55,373
A [bleep] ounce of weed came out
of this mother[bleep].

257
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:58,975
I have gotten high
walking into your home.

258
00:12:59,015 --> 00:13:00,616
- Yes.
- Simply on the...

259
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:03,816
I just... I walk into his apartment.
I go straight to the refrigerator.

260
00:13:03,893 --> 00:13:04,993
- I just...
- That's right.

261
00:13:06,256 --> 00:13:08,261
Nah, nah, we're just kidding.
Just kidding. We didnt...

262
00:13:08,307 --> 00:13:10,346
Just kidding... I didn't
vacuum my apartment at all.

263
00:13:10,449 --> 00:13:11,939
[laughs]

264
00:13:13,274 --> 00:13:15,077
Wouldn't do it.
Would never do that.

265
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,449
Would never waste
that kind of good product...

266
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:18,266
[laughs]

267
00:13:18,267 --> 00:13:19,349
 On the floor. I could just be...

268
00:13:19,413 --> 00:13:22,452
You have saved a lot of money not
buying vacuum cleaners in your life.

269
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,031
I'll just be sitting, watching T.V,
talking about, "Yeah, yeah."

270
00:13:25,212 --> 00:13:26,824
[laughs]

271
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:34,149
Carpet.
That [bleep]'s just carpet.

272
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:36,914
[sirens wailing
in the distance]

273
00:13:37,916 --> 00:13:41,890
- This weed is mad tight, yo.
- Yeah, man, I'm super high, Dog.

274
00:13:42,056 --> 00:13:43,649
Ah.

275
00:13:45,645 --> 00:13:46,616
Hey, yo.

276
00:13:47,046 --> 00:13:49,347
Let me "ax" you a question
on the real.

277
00:13:50,084 --> 00:13:52,052
Yeah, yeah, Dog.
Yeah, go ahead, man.

278
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:57,161
Hey, man,
where my dookie go?

279
00:13:57,948 --> 00:13:59,191
[chuckles]

280
00:14:02,658 --> 00:14:04,067
Oh.

281
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,433
- What?
- My dookie.

282
00:14:08,252 --> 00:14:09,811
Where do it go?

283
00:14:09,886 --> 00:14:11,944
It go down in the toilet,
[bleep], you know that.

284
00:14:12,404 --> 00:14:14,972
Nah, man. I ain't stupid.

285
00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:18,060
Where do it go after that?

286
00:14:18,072 --> 00:14:19,682
Come on, man, quit playing.
I don't know.

287
00:14:19,696 --> 00:14:22,391
It... it goes down the sewer,
you know.

288
00:14:23,522 --> 00:14:25,272
Everybody's go down there?

289
00:14:25,374 --> 00:14:28,176
Yeah, everybody's dookie
goes down in the sewer.

290
00:14:34,232 --> 00:14:35,603
Where my dookie go after that?

291
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:36,784
[scoffs]

292
00:14:36,824 --> 00:14:39,006
It washes out to the ocean.

293
00:14:39,971 --> 00:14:40,938
I guess.

294
00:14:40,979 --> 00:14:43,102
Hold up, hold up.

295
00:14:44,348 --> 00:14:46,916
Dolphins swim
with my dookie?

296
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,862
I don't know, man. I mean,
I don't... I really don't know.

297
00:14:49,904 --> 00:14:51,504
- We're in the ocean...
- Yep.

298
00:14:51,544 --> 00:14:53,078
What happens to the dookie?

299
00:14:53,424 --> 00:14:56,249
I'm just taking a stab at...
like a wild guess, all right,

300
00:14:56,343 --> 00:14:59,121
that the dookie, like,
probably go up in the air

301
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:02,288
and, like, evaporates and then
turns into a cloud or some [bleep].

302
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:05,669
- A dookie cloud.
- Oh, this [bleep].

303
00:15:05,669 --> 00:15:08,502
- Everybody's dookie
mix up,

304
00:15:08,989 --> 00:15:12,574
goes up into a cloud,
and then it rains down.

305
00:15:12,627 --> 00:15:13,893
That's gangsta.

306
00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:16,434
I just... Can we stop talking
about dookie right now?

307
00:15:18,922 --> 00:15:20,156
I just thought of something.

308
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:21,673
Yes? What is it?
What is it, Levi?

309
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,147
The pieces of my dookie...

310
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:24,929
- Yep?
- ...falls on the ground...

311
00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:25,924
- That's true, yep.

312
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:27,435
...and becomes a plant.

313
00:15:27,475 --> 00:15:30,120
Okay, okay, that's good. Now,
we're done with the dookie talk, right?

314
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:32,522
- A dookie plant...
- No.

315
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:36,500
...that reaches towards the sky.

316
00:15:36,595 --> 00:15:37,981
Ahh.

317
00:15:39,315 --> 00:15:42,532
- Hey, Sed.
- Yeah, Levi?

318
00:15:42,944 --> 00:15:46,090
Maybe if my dookie
can make it out of the hood...

319
00:15:47,744 --> 00:15:49,671
Maybe we can too.

320
00:15:51,899 --> 00:15:53,389
Huh.

321
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,473
Maybe.

322
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:01,511
Maybe, Levi.

323
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,077
Okay, okay, okay.

324
00:16:06,085 --> 00:16:07,609
Here's what we gonna do.
Here's what we gonna do.

325
00:16:07,643 --> 00:16:10,411
All right, Dr. King
talked about, um, uh,

326
00:16:10,423 --> 00:16:12,176
all the races coming together,
right? Right?

327
00:16:12,186 --> 00:16:14,888
So what I want every negro
to do here today

328
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:17,392
is find the nearest white person
and give 'em a hug.

329
00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:18,941
Just... just give 'em
a hug, okay?

330
00:16:19,009 --> 00:16:20,743
No, sir,
you're not being attacked.

331
00:16:20,755 --> 00:16:22,920
You're not being attacked.
You're being hugged, okay?

332
00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:25,515
Everybody take it easy here, okay?
Everybody relax.

333
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:28,696
You know what? We don't need 10 negroes
hugging one white person, okay?

334
00:16:28,731 --> 00:16:30,865
Let's just... let's...
You know, that's the new rule.

335
00:16:30,877 --> 00:16:32,567
Not ten on one.
One on one.

336
00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:34,456
So we'll just take turns
and everything, okay?

337
00:16:34,497 --> 00:16:35,998
So everybody relax, okay?
[crowd shouting]

338
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,743
Oh, my Goodness.
Sir, she doesn't need to be defended.

339
00:16:38,890 --> 00:16:41,585
She doesn't need to be defended.
She's okay. She's okay, okay?

340
00:16:41,649 --> 00:16:43,109
[crowd shouting]
All right, ma'am... okay...

341
00:16:43,122 --> 00:16:44,611
Officer,
is that necessary?

342
00:16:44,652 --> 00:16:46,119
I don't think
that's necessary, officer.

343
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,613
[sirens wail, horse whinnies]
No, ma'am, please!

344
00:16:47,627 --> 00:16:48,627
[dogs bark, women scream]
Please take it easy, sir!

345
00:16:48,627 --> 00:16:49,957
Everyone take it easy,
all right?

346
00:16:49,957 --> 00:16:51,795
They're just hugs.
You're not being attacked.

347
00:16:51,998 --> 00:16:53,585
[loud screams, sirens wailing]

348
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,008
[soul music]

349
00:16:59,967 --> 00:17:02,165
Sometimes it's very difficult
to get black people,

350
00:17:02,175 --> 00:17:03,864
especially black men, to laugh.

351
00:17:03,876 --> 00:17:05,811
They are begrudging
laughers.

352
00:17:05,823 --> 00:17:07,591
Black dudes be... Look...
they'll be looking at us like,

353
00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:10,170
"Nah, see, nah, this ain't gonna
be funny. This ain't gonna be funny."

354
00:17:10,216 --> 00:17:13,175
- We'll do something stupid...
- ...that really crack 'em up.

355
00:17:13,177 --> 00:17:14,699
These mother[bleep]s go,
"Psh, you stupid."

356
00:17:14,699 --> 00:17:15,632
[snickering]
"This is stupid."

357
00:17:15,644 --> 00:17:18,186
"You bein' stupid.
You bein' stupid."

358
00:17:18,214 --> 00:17:19,447
"Nah, man."

359
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:20,889
"Y'all bein' stupid right now."

360
00:17:20,932 --> 00:17:22,057
"nah, that's stupid, man. Nah."

361
00:17:22,057 --> 00:17:23,390
- "I ain't laughing."
- "Y'all stupid."

362
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:24,953
- "I ain't laughing."
- "This thing is stupid."

363
00:17:24,981 --> 00:17:27,694
"Nah, nah, that ain't funny.
I ain't laughing at [bleep]."

364
00:17:27,711 --> 00:17:29,241
- "Dog, that's stupid."
- "Nah, nah."

365
00:17:29,275 --> 00:17:30,809
- "That's stupid!"
- "That's stupid as Hell.

366
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:33,309
"That's stupid as Hell.
No, no, no.

367
00:17:33,372 --> 00:17:36,074
"No, these [bleep]s retarded.
These [bleep]s retarded."

368
00:17:36,087 --> 00:17:37,994
I think sisters
are actually harder.

369
00:17:38,038 --> 00:17:41,569
Sisters talk about, "[bleep], ain't
my job to laugh. It's your job to..."

370
00:17:41,570 --> 00:17:43,546
Both: "make me laugh."
[laughs]

371
00:17:48,839 --> 00:17:51,796
White people laugh a certain way,
which is, like, too hard.

372
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,217
- Too hard, yeah.
- Just too hard.

373
00:17:53,255 --> 00:17:56,223
It's a little too earnest, yes, yeah.
It's a little onomatopoetic.

374
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,235
We do not need to be able
to spell your laughter.

375
00:17:58,276 --> 00:17:59,710
- We don't want to.
- Please don't do that.

376
00:17:59,777 --> 00:18:02,079
"Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho."
Don't do it.

377
00:18:02,090 --> 00:18:03,686
Yeah, we... we don't need you
to be laughing like,

378
00:18:03,731 --> 00:18:06,132
"Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha."

379
00:18:06,896 --> 00:18:09,598
No [bleep] Mitt Romney
laughter here tonight.

380
00:18:11,649 --> 00:18:14,518
<i>[Hail to the Chief</i> plays]

381
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:17,292
- Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

382
00:18:17,339 --> 00:18:20,859
Now, first off, I would like
to once again introduce

383
00:18:20,871 --> 00:18:22,471
my anger translator, Luther.

384
00:18:22,511 --> 00:18:23,185
Hi!

385
00:18:23,266 --> 00:18:26,795
Now, in the spirit of democracy,
I would like to take a moment

386
00:18:26,845 --> 00:18:28,623
to address my opponent,
Mitt Romney.

387
00:18:28,639 --> 00:18:30,223
Ooh, I been waiting for this.

388
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,115
Oh, boy,
I been waiting for this.

389
00:18:33,266 --> 00:18:34,799
Wassup, Mitt?
Ta-tai!

390
00:18:34,895 --> 00:18:37,775
Governor Romney
and I have different ideas

391
00:18:37,870 --> 00:18:39,930
on how to best help
the American people.

392
00:18:40,056 --> 00:18:41,590
I saved the auto industry.

393
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:43,663
You wanna give tax breaks
to millionaires.

394
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:45,327
I killed osama bin laden,

395
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:48,106
And you strapped a dog
to the top of your car.

396
00:18:48,203 --> 00:18:50,571
Now, let's see.
Who's better for the country?

397
00:18:50,639 --> 00:18:53,908
I look forward to a fruitful
and healthy debate

398
00:18:53,976 --> 00:18:55,159
On the affordable care act.

399
00:18:55,171 --> 00:18:57,178
And since you already did it
in Massachusetts,

400
00:18:57,190 --> 00:19:00,278
It's gonna be <i>real</i> interesting
to watch your flip-floppin' ass

401
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,277
argue me on that [bleep] now!
Sa-si-san!

402
00:19:03,373 --> 00:19:06,961
But I also look forward to other ways
to articulate our differences.

403
00:19:06,983 --> 00:19:08,682
I'm like the mother[bleep]
love child

404
00:19:08,717 --> 00:19:11,886
of the Old Spice guy
and the Dos Equis dude,

405
00:19:11,899 --> 00:19:13,867
and you are literally

406
00:19:13,906 --> 00:19:17,566
the boringest,
whitest man alive today.

407
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:21,699
I know that we will conduct
professional campaigns,

408
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:24,996
That we will be respectful
to one another's personal lives,

409
00:19:25,012 --> 00:19:26,112
families, and religion.

410
00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:27,429
Oh, man, come on.

411
00:19:27,471 --> 00:19:30,888
I still gotta explain to half
the country that I'm not a Muslim,

412
00:19:30,895 --> 00:19:33,223
But it's still off limits
to talk about

413
00:19:33,258 --> 00:19:35,953
your mormon ass wearing
magic underwear

414
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,733
and believing Jesus came down
and did some [bleep] in Pennsylvania?

415
00:19:39,785 --> 00:19:41,256
- All right now, Luther.
- I mean, come on, man!

416
00:19:41,256 --> 00:19:42,958
I mean,
this is some craziness!

417
00:19:42,992 --> 00:19:44,125
- Luther!
- This be..yes.

418
00:19:44,126 --> 00:19:47,267
Luther, Pennsylvania is a swing state.
Let's take it down a notch.

419
00:19:47,267 --> 00:19:48,767
Yeah, okay.
Come on, Luther.

420
00:19:48,774 --> 00:19:52,511
Man, why you always gotta
cross the line, man?

421
00:19:52,701 --> 00:19:54,988
I believe
the American people will see

422
00:19:55,059 --> 00:19:57,877
that I've made their lives
better in the past four years.

423
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:01,436
Americans would all be riding these
if I hadn't saved the auto industry.

424
00:20:01,454 --> 00:20:02,754
[horn squeaks]

425
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:05,985
I'm also confident
that the American people

426
00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,549
will make the choice
that will best help them

427
00:20:08,589 --> 00:20:11,357
and best help our path
to the future.

428
00:20:11,397 --> 00:20:13,550
Y'all know
I'm winning this [bleep]!

429
00:20:13,815 --> 00:20:16,083
- Thank you,
and good night.

430
00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:19,126
[dubstep version
of <i>hail to the chief</i> plays]

431
00:20:21,145 --> 00:20:23,954
[cheers and applause]

432
00:20:26,062 --> 00:20:27,496
- Thank you.
- Thank you.

433
00:20:27,898 --> 00:20:29,832
I love it.
I love playing Luther.

434
00:20:29,871 --> 00:20:31,511
- You do, huh?
- It's my favorite part.

435
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:32,890
Well, any excuse you can get
to... to...

436
00:20:32,930 --> 00:20:34,197
Yeah, I get to use
one of those... Oh, swa!

437
00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:37,084
Nope, um,
just almost ripped my taint.

438
00:20:37,084 --> 00:20:39,082
- Okay. Thank you guys.
- Thank you very much.

439
00:20:39,098 --> 00:20:40,766
- You have a good night.
- Thanks for coming out.

440
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,602
Sync & corrections: dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

441
00:20:48,284 --> 00:20:51,019
♪ I'm gonna
do my one line here ♪

442
00:20:51,254 --> 00:20:53,088
Oh, yeah.

442
00:20:54,305 --> 00:21:00,882
Support us and become VIP member 
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org