(slow rap groove) ♪ Struggle in da house ♪
♪ Using words and rhymes to get through hard times ♪
♪ Yeah Come on ♪
♪ I came from the streets with nothing in my pockets ♪
♪ No food, no books, no power in the sockets ♪
♪ Each battle I fight a role model and a teacher ♪
♪ Hip-hop my church Every rapper a preacher ♪
(faster beat)
♪ I preach from my ass, my farts is my sermons ♪
♪ The church is your mouth, where I shout my Holy sperm in ♪
♪ You can take your role models, roll 'em up my meat ♪
♪ Bitches always on the menu when I go out to eat ♪
♪ But everywhere we go, we don't forget the struggles, son ♪
♪ Black woman, two jobs, two kids, too tired to juggle them ♪
♪ Juggle 'em, juggle 'em, jiggity, jiggity juggle 'em ♪
♪ Yum, yum, yummy, Titty titties in my tummy, yum ♪
♪ Titties in my mouth, I got titties in my mouth ♪
♪ I got tig ol' bitties from a bunch of different cities ♪
♪ I got... ♪
(soul music)
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
Sync & correction by dwigt www.addic7ed.com
(cheers and applause)
"Titties in my mouth. I've got titties in my mouth.
"I've got tig ol' bitties From a bunch of different cities."
- Thank you. - All right, that's enough.
That's sheer poetry. Sheer poetry.
- What's up guys? - Hey, you guys.
- I'm Jordan Peele. - I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- This is Key and Peele. - Thank you.
So, we are fans of action... What's your favorite action...
- Who's your favorite action star? - My favorite action star is Tony Jaa.
- Tony Jaa. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
- You know this guy? - He's from Thailand,
and he's a dynamo, he's a firecracker. He's always like, "Yaa!"
I love all the Asian and black people were, like, "Yeah, Tony Jaa."
I like that you're bringing that muay Thai out.
Oh, muay Thai, that's what he uses.
- That's my jam right there. - Do you like muay Thai?
- Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip.
- No, I've been learning? - You're learning?
I've been practicing some of my techniques.
Oh, have you been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master?
You've been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master?
On TV, yes. On TV. They're on television.
You can study them yourself.
MMA.
Are you studying... What is this?
- Sorry? - Is that muay Thai chi?
I mean, right there? What is...?
But this is... this is good martial arts
if you're in the slo-mo section of the film.
Mmm-taka-taka-taka-taka. Tang-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Taka-taka-taka-taka taka-taka-taka-taka.
I've still got him, I don't know what happened there.
Okay, watch this, everybody.
(hinges creaking)
I was wondering when I would come in here
to find you sitting in that chair.
It wasn't easy tracking you down, Decker.
Wasn't supposed to be.
I know you've retired, but...
That's all behind me now, General.
I'm not the man you knew during the Cold War.
I understand.
We're now facing a threat unlike any we've ever faced before.
- A man with your expertise... - I made a vow.
Never to kill another human being.
Sorry, General,
gotta have to find someone else.
Oh...
No, we hmm... we weren't thinking you'd do it.
We were... (clears throat) just hoping
you cold recommend someone for the job.
I guess I could come out of retirement.
No. No need. Just a recommendation will do.
All right.
I'll do it.
You know, you're just not what we're looking for.
You sly son of a bitch.
You always knew how to push my buttons.
- I'm in. - Not you, Decker!
- I'm sharp as I ever was. - (sigh)
Even faster too. Grab my hand.
Nope.
Wait till I count to three first.
One.
Two.
Three.
Okay.
I want you to try and slap me in the face.
Unh! Wasn't ready for that.
Try again.
- Unh! 'kay, you know what? - You know what?
Didn't have my adrenaline up.
'cause this is not an actual high-stakes situation.
All right.
Draw your weapon.
And... disarmed. (gun hammer clicks)
You're getting pretty quick. And... disarmed. Okay.
I don't need to take your weapon.
You know what? Shoot me.
I am not going to shoot you.
- Wing me in the shoulder. - This is ridiculous!
Try, General, see what happens.
Deflected... Ooww!
- Okay. I made a mistake coming here. - Wing me in the other shoulder.
- I'd rather not. - I insist.
Deflected... Aaahh!
That was because my other arm was already injured.
- Okay. I'm leaving. - (grunting) All right.
- All or nothing. Gut shot. - No!
Gut shot! Come on!
If you can shoot me in the gut, I'll concede.
- Decker, you have two wounded arms. - Gut shot! Go!
Got it. (groans)
You... you caught the bullet?
(groaning) Oh, yeah.
So, you're telling me that the bullet
is in-between your hands right now?
That's what I'm telling you...
(sighs)
(birds chirping)
Is that all you got?
Come on. Head shot.
Head shot. Let's go.
I'm ready. I wasn't... Wait one sec. though.
(gunshot)
Okay, I just want people to be straight with us and just admit...
Who here has tormented a substitute teacher?
(applause)
I don't understand why.
I don't believe the people who are raising their hands, by the way.
- (laughs) Right. - They seem way too polite.
I don't understand why. But why? I've never understood why.
I always tried to be polite to the substitute teacher.
Everybody had that kid in school that was, like,
- a real... - a real rapscallion.
- A rapscallion. A scallywag. - Yeah. A jackanape.
- Yeah. - Mm-hm.
I was the kid that was just doodling in the corner.
"What's up?" You know, that was me.
But I had... I know you had one.
I had this kid who, if a substitute teacher came,
my man would be surfing on the desk.
No joke. My man would get up, talking about...
(imitating surf rock music)
Looking him in the eye.
(imitating surf rock music) Joey. Get off... Joey.
Joey, get off the desk. Joey.
Joey, get off the desk.
I'm telling you now to get off the desk, Joey.
Get off. Unbelievable. Don't do that. Don't do that.
- Probably in jail now. Right.
(bell rings)
All right, listen up, y'all.
I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years in the inner city,
so don't even think about messing with me.
- Y'all feel me? - Mm-hmm.
Okay. Let's take roll here.
Jay Quellin.
Where's Jay Quellin at?
No Jay Quellin here?
(clear throats) Yeah.
Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"?
Okay. So that's how it's gonna be.
Y'all wanna play. Okay, then.
I got my eyes on you, Jay Quellin.
Balakay.
Where is Balakay at?
There's no Balakay here today?
- Yes, sir. - My name is Blake.
Bl... Are you out of your goddamn mind?
(mocking voice) Blake! What?
- Do you wanna go to war, Balakey? - No.
- 'cause we could go to war. - No.
I'm for real. I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
Dee-nice.
Is there a Dee-Nice?
If one of y'all says some silly-ass name...
This whole class is gonna feel my wrath.
- Now, Dee-Nice. - Do you mean "Denise"?
- You say your name right, right now. - Denise?
- You say it right. - Denise.
- Correctly. - Denise.
- Right. - Denise.
- Right. - Dee-Nice?
That's better. (pupil sighs) Thank you.
Now, A.A. Ron.
Where are you?
Where is A.A. Ron right now?
No A. A. Ron, huh?
Well, you better be sick, dead or mute,
- A.A. Ron. - Here! Oh, man.
Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh?
Huh?
You know, I'm just asking you. I said it, like, four times.
So, why didn't you say it the first time I said, "A.A. Ron"?
Because it's pronounced "Aaron".
Son of a bitch! (clattering)
You done messed up, A.A. Ron!
Now take your ass on down to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office,
right now, and tell him exactly what you did!
- Who? - Oh-Shag-Henessy!
Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break my foot off in your ass!
Insubordinate...
and churlish.
Tym-Oh-Thee.
- Present. - Thank you.
To the man of the hour.
Guys... (glasses clinking) Best bachelor party ever!
(cheers)
- Mm! - Mm! Oh, yeah!
- Whoo! - Yeah! That's the stuff.
- I can still do it. - All right, fellas!
What do you say... we get a stripper?
- Yeah! - All right!
Trey, I told you man, no strippers.
Aw, is this a bachelor party or isn't it?
- Yeah! - That's right!
I'm your best man, there's no way I'm gonna let you puss out
on your own bachelor party.
We're getting the strippers and we're gonna connect the dots.
- Yes! - Connect the dots? What?
Yeah... Tinkertoy it, man.
We're all behind her
and then we all, bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town!
- Yeah! - We go to town!
Wait, wait, wait, hold on. What's "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
Dude. You know. You're upfront, then
bup-bup-bup-bup! Game on!
(laughs)
No. Hold up, hold up, hold up. No.
- What's the "bup-bup-bup-bup"? - Yeah, yeah, what is that?
Guys!
This is Tommy's last night of freedom!
- Come on! - What's "bup-bup-bup-bup", though?
You know... Bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay, okay, okay, when you say "bup-bup-bup-bup",
- are we... what are we... are we all... - Linked up!
Yeah! Baby elephant walk. Whoo!
Okay, okay, okay, um...
Are you saying
that we would all be [bleep]ing each other?
(laughs) You don't understand what I'm sayi...
Oh, dude! Okay. Look. Here it is, okay?
- You're [bleep]ing the girl, right? - Right.
Yeah.
Then, we bup-bup-bup-bup!
That's it! Right there! Right there!
Yeah, what the [bleep]? I'm not doing that.
You guys!
Tommy's about to walk the plank of marriage, all right?
This is our last chance.
Last chance for what? I'm not gonna [bleep] a guy.
No! Dude, we'd all be [bleep]ing the girl.
- Oh, okay! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Together, bup-bup-bup,bup.
- No! - No!
See, but right there, Trey. That's the weird part!
- The "bup-bup-bup-bup". - Okay, I get it. I get it.
You don't want to be disrespectful to women. I get that.
- That's not really the issue. - Okay, forget the girl.
Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No! - No!
You kept the part that noboby wants! The bup-bup-bup-bup!
Yeah, I definitely don't want to have sex with any of you guys!
- Yeah, you're killing my buzz. - Guys! What the [bleep], man!
This is supposed to be Tommy's last big celebration. No judgment.
Judgment is not what is keeping us from [bleep]ing each other!
Jeez! Forget it, Trey!
No! I'm saying, guys, if you listen to my words,
Tommy's in here [bleep]ing the stripper. We're in the other room.
- (quietly) Bup-bup-bup-bup. - No!
No "bup-bup-bup-bup"! Nobody wants the "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
Well, that's all right.No bup-bup-bup- bup, okay? No bup-bup-bup-bup.
You're here [bleep]ing the stripper, the rest of us are just
- jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-jiggy... - No!
- Aah! No! - No!
Oh, my God! You guys are so gay!
How do you think you would fare if you went into the penal system?
The penile system?
I think if I went through the penile system,
I think the penile system would go through me.
(kung fu scream)
(alarm buzzes)
(birds squawking)
Lewis Lawrence is beginning his life sentence.
In order to survive, he must join a gang.
(Lewis) Do you understand? I know how it work, right?
When you're in prison, what you need is protection, right?
And the way to do that is by getting into a gang.
I was surprised to find out that there is a bald gang in prison.
They're gonna be my homies. Talking about some B.B.W.W.
"Bald brothers, what-what?"
What's up, homie? (chuckles) Nice haircut.
Get the [bleep] outta here.
I mean they haven't officially asked me to be in the gang yet,
'cause you need to earn they respect first.
Hey!
You're in the wrong neighborhood, you black mother[bleep]er.
Aah!
Step off my homies, mother[bleep]er, or I'll [bleep] you up!
What's up! What's up! You know what I'm talkin' about!
Aah! Unh! Aah!
So that was it right there, okay? That's what they call a "jump in."
That's the initiation process.
So, it's my understanding that I'm now a member
of the Bald Brotherhood gang, okay?
I mean, those mother[bleep]ers beat the [bleep] out of me.
That's a euphemism you hear all the time.
But you don't know if it's true, it can't be true. How is it possible?
But that mother[bleep]er, bip! And diarrhea just went "Pssh"!,
right out my ass!
So I hope... like, I hope that's, like, lifetime dues right there.
What the...?
It's the happiest day of my life is what I'm saying.
Despite the lack of encouragement,
Lewis continues to try and ingratiate himself to the gang.
What? This long-haired bitch?
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, hero!
Trying to creep up on my bald brothers, bitch!
I oughta kick you again. What? What?
Aah! Oh! Aah!
Hey, you all right, man? You all right? Come on, get up, get up.
We got you, son. We got you, son.
What? Man, get your hands off me, you hair-having mother[bleep]er!
Aah! Aah! Man, get down there. Unh! Unh!
- Aah! Aah! - Whoa! Unh!
(alarm buzzes)
I mean, I think
I accidentally got hit by some of my bald brothers.
Guards! (alarm buzzes)
That's right! Bald brotherhood forever, man!
'sup!
But you know, that's prison, man.
I mean, you don't never know what side it's coming from.
Lewis has yet to make any alliances.
Meanwhile, an unprecedented peace has been brokered
between black and white prison gangs.
The once unsurmountable racial divide
now bridged by a mutual hatred...
for Lewis.
(bell rings)
Dude!
Hey, you going to Ray's party?
Yeah, I'm going.
- You know Amy's gonna be there. - Yeah, I know.
Things have been real good with her, man. Tonight could be the night.
- Could be. - Dude, are you okay?
Not really, dude.
What's wrong? You get the hottest girl at a party with no parents.
You're definitely gonna hit that for sure tonight, man.
- You're gonna lose that V. for good. - (slams) My penis is white.
- Excuse me? - I have a white penis.
What? But you're black.
Nuh-uh. I'm bi-racial.
All the white went straight to my penis.
That... what... what... you mean, like, the color?
- Oh... - Yeah.
But wait, dude... I mean...
- how bad could it be? - It's bad.
- How bad? - It's like a Snickers.
- Regular or fun size? - Which one do you get at Halloween?
- Fun size. - That's the one.
- [bleep] - I know.
What am I gonna do? I mean, I...
How am I gonna hit it with Amy with my little white penis.
Everyone's gonna find out and I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
Dude, dude, dude. Amy's white. She's not gonna care.
- Really? - Yeah. She's white.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I guess you're right. She's probably not even gonna know the difference.
Nah, man. White girl, white penis. You're all good.
(bell rings)
Hey, there he is. How'd it go last night?
- Don't wanna talk about it. - Well, what happened?
Black vagina.
(laughs) Happy?
I just gotta get this off... My girl, right here,
Your mouth was agape after "black vagina".
She was just like... (laughter)
It's just, like... I've only seen... In my whole life, I've only seen
Macaulay Culkin do that. In my whole life.
Serious, she was, like, it was crazy.
- All right, let's get outta here. - Let's get outta here.
You and I go to the bar, couple of friends. And then, maybe...
- Bup-bup. - Let's just bup-bup-bup-bup.
Yeah.
Good night, everybody. (cheers and applause)
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
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