1 00:00:00,050 --> 00:00:02,500 (Hail to the Chief plays) 2 00:00:04,090 --> 00:00:05,950 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 3 00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:08,870 With me, as always, is my anger translator Luther. 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,180 Boom, Mitt! 5 00:00:10,430 --> 00:00:13,880 I sunk your battleship, bitch! What's up?! 6 00:00:14,570 --> 00:00:17,920 To the American people, I just want to say that the debates are over 7 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,430 but now is not a time to tally points 8 00:00:21,510 --> 00:00:23,050 or to, uh, keep the score. 9 00:00:23,150 --> 00:00:25,060 2-1, Obama. 10 00:00:25,070 --> 00:00:28,900 Game, set, match, touchdown, homerun, checkmate. 11 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,670 Can we get back to work now? 12 00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:32,860 Governor Romney, in the recent debate, 13 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,660 I laid out the inconsistencies in your stated beliefs. 14 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:38,600 Okay, Governor Rom... Listen, I'm gonna tell you a little... 15 00:00:38,670 --> 00:00:41,930 Governor Romney, why are you smiling 16 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,640 while you're getting your ass kicked? 17 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,990 Are we debating, or are you trying to sell me a Lexus? 18 00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:50,030 I directly questioned you about your opposition 19 00:00:50,070 --> 00:00:51,480 to the auto industry bailout. 20 00:00:51,550 --> 00:00:54,450 On behalf of all the people in Detroit that want to stab you, 21 00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:57,800 I ask again, why are you smiling? 22 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,190 I asked you about your stance on Syria, 23 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,210 which you called "Iran's route to the sea." 24 00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:04,750 Hey... Dummy... Look! 25 00:01:04,850 --> 00:01:07,620 Iran is on the sea. 26 00:01:07,890 --> 00:01:10,360 Syria's two god damn countries this way. 27 00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:13,730 Bam... which is a city in iran. 28 00:01:14,090 --> 00:01:16,830 I even reminded you that horses and bayonets 29 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,650 are not strategically valid in modern warfare. 30 00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:22,440 So like I said, it's time to wipe that smug smile 31 00:01:22,490 --> 00:01:26,440 off your sweaty, sweaty, pasty-ass sweaty face. 32 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,270 I mean, Mitt, do you need a towel? 33 00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:31,580 Because your face is straight up raining. 34 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:34,250 I spoke about brinksmanship with Iran, 35 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,320 and you just said you wanted a peaceful planet. 36 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,690 I mean, who let Wavy Gravy up in here? 37 00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:39,540 I'm sorry, Mitt. 38 00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:41,770 If you want to be the first mormon hippie, 39 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,620 you're gonna need to grow your hair out, dog. 40 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,220 (shrieking) and quit smiling! 41 00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:46,950 [bleep]! This got me... 42 00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:49,190 There were many times where you even, uh, 43 00:01:49,230 --> 00:01:50,710 inexplicably agreed with me. 44 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,120 Stop agreeing with me! 45 00:01:53,130 --> 00:01:55,930 Are you trying to body snatch me and become me 46 00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,650 for the last two weeks of the election? 47 00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:00,170 I mean, what's... I'm sorry, time out. 48 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,590 Sir, I'm, like, legitimately concerned 49 00:02:03,070 --> 00:02:06,220 that he's like an insane, rich, crazy person who's gonna... 50 00:02:06,290 --> 00:02:07,590 - Luther... - Wait, okay, yeah. 51 00:02:07,690 --> 00:02:09,220 - Calm down now. - Okay. 52 00:02:09,370 --> 00:02:11,800 I assure you, Governor Romney's not insane. 53 00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:13,150 - Okay. - Thank you. 54 00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:14,820 - No problem. - In conclusion... 55 00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:17,930 I greatly appreciated our exchange on foreign policy. 56 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,300 But we all know the only country that matters... 57 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:21,490 is Ohio. 58 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,790 You sweaty, smiley, 59 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,410 never-gonna-be-president looking mother-[bleep]. 60 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,020 - What? - Hey... 61 00:02:29,660 --> 00:02:31,290 Loosing up a little bit over here. 62 00:02:31,330 --> 00:02:33,860 And it's just about [bleep]ing time. 63 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:37,060 [soul music] 64 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:45,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 65 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,940 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 66 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:57,420 [cheers and applause] 67 00:02:57,490 --> 00:02:59,960 - Hello! - Hi. 68 00:03:00,030 --> 00:03:01,230 Thank you. 69 00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:02,330 Thank you. 70 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,430 Thank you for coming. 71 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,580 Thank you so much. 72 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,820 Welcome to the show. I'm Keegan-Michael Key. 73 00:03:09,850 --> 00:03:11,650 - I am Jordan Peele. - We are Key and Peele. 74 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,570 - Thank you for coming. - Key... and Peele. 75 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:14,810 Thank you! 76 00:03:16,710 --> 00:03:17,880 So... 77 00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:21,050 The other day you and I were talking about 78 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,050 why there are no longer rap groups. 79 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,020 Rap groups. Do you guys... 80 00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:26,530 Do you know what happened to rap groups? 81 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:28,830 There are rappers... and there are collaborations. 82 00:03:28,870 --> 00:03:29,320 Right. 83 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:31,790 - But there are no longer rap groups. - Right. 84 00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:34,080 Wu-tang Clan... they had... 85 00:03:34,150 --> 00:03:35,050 [cheers] Oh, yeah. 86 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,420 - Right. - These dudes... 87 00:03:36,490 --> 00:03:39,440 - They had like 36 dudes on stage. - Yeah, right. 88 00:03:39,630 --> 00:03:41,560 - With like katana blades, - What's a katana blade ? 89 00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:43,430 dressed like [bleep] Ninja Turtles. 90 00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:46,990 Or-or-or public enemy had... [cheers] 91 00:03:47,150 --> 00:03:50,440 You know, like one rapper, a crazy man with a clock, 92 00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:53,350 - and a security force. - Yeah. 93 00:03:53,410 --> 00:03:55,450 Arrested Development. That's kind of rap group. 94 00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:57,670 (cheers and applause) Yeah! 95 00:03:58,090 --> 00:04:00,940 These dudes... they were the first band, I think in history 96 00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:02,910 just to have a black woman on stage going like that... 97 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,810 - Right. Yeah, yeah. - For no reason. 98 00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:10,160 - There was just... - There's no reason for it. 99 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,470 That's right. 100 00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:13,040 And a little old man in a rocking chair, 101 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,920 just an old man in a rocking chair. 102 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,360 (car horns honking) 103 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,540 ♪ Bone bone bone bone ♪ 104 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,050 ♪ Bone thugs and homeless ♪ 105 00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,220 ♪ Bone bone bone ♪ 106 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,390 ♪ Said, brah, that's what we gonna do ♪ 107 00:04:28,430 --> 00:04:30,290 ♪ Where has everybody gone ♪ 108 00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:31,600 ♪ Gone gone ♪ 109 00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:33,770 ♪ Where have all the people gone ♪ 110 00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,310 ♪ How did we go broke ♪ 111 00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:37,140 ♪ Think of all the lost hoes ♪ 112 00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:38,580 ♪ Somehow we must've taken ♪ 113 00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:40,680 ♪ A wrong turn at crossroads ♪ 114 00:04:40,750 --> 00:04:42,320 ♪ Maybe we should change our flow ♪ 115 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:44,160 ♪ But our flow is tight though ♪ 116 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:45,540 ♪ The harmony thing seems old ♪ 117 00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:47,570 ♪ Something don't smell right, yo ♪ 118 00:04:47,610 --> 00:04:49,340 ♪ We smelling like hell and not doing too well ♪ 119 00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:51,630 ♪ And we live in a system where nobody's giving away ♪ 120 00:04:51,630 --> 00:04:55,040 ♪ Every day, every day Poop in different alleyways♪ 121 00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:57,180 ♪ Homeless ♪ ♪ bone ♪ 122 00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:59,210 ♪ Homeless bone, homeless bone, yeah ♪ 123 00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:01,640 ♪ We piss and poop in different alleyways ♪ 124 00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:02,720 ♪ Can somebody spare some change? ♪ 125 00:05:02,810 --> 00:05:04,750 ♪ We spent all our money ♪ 126 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,460 ♪ can somebody - anybody - spare some change ♪ 127 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,490 ♪ Listen to our tummies ♪ 128 00:05:08,550 --> 00:05:10,860 (stomachs growling rhythmically) 129 00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:15,800 - ♪ Hey, man, I miss my uncle charles, y'all ♪ 130 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,570 ♪ He had some gall, having a ball ♪ 131 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,450 ♪ Brother can't even return my calls ♪ 132 00:05:19,450 --> 00:05:21,760 ♪ Bone bone bone, bone, yeah ♪ 133 00:05:21,770 --> 00:05:23,560 ♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪ 134 00:05:23,630 --> 00:05:25,260 ♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪ 135 00:05:25,330 --> 00:05:27,360 ♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪ 136 00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:30,670 ♪ We're so hungry... We'll eat a bone ♪ 137 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:32,170 Brock Favors here, 138 00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:38,230 We are here live at the Metro Police Department 139 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,080 canine training facility, 140 00:05:40,150 --> 00:05:42,970 And we are going to be learning some apprehension techniques 141 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,760 used by the canine unit. 142 00:05:44,790 --> 00:05:48,030 Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will be playing the assailant today. 143 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,360 - Is that correct? - Yeah, that's correct. 144 00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:52,310 Now, Officer Hanson, I am perfectly safe in this suit, right? 145 00:05:52,470 --> 00:05:54,080 Yeah, you're 100% safe. 146 00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:56,570 In fact, those are the suits we use for officer training. 147 00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:58,000 All right! Well, there you go. 148 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,260 Well, kids, make sure that you do not try this at home 149 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,590 with your chihuahuas. 150 00:06:01,650 --> 00:06:03,190 Ow! Ow! Ow! [bleep]! 151 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,460 Get this [bleep] off of me! Get this [bleep] off of me! 152 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,460 Damn! Get this [bleep] off of me! 153 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,630 [bleep]! 154 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,270 Oh, God damn! Oh, God damn! 155 00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:14,240 Oh, [bleep]! Whoo! 156 00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:17,360 Okie dokey. I am sorry... 157 00:06:17,730 --> 00:06:19,470 that, uh, you all just 158 00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:22,860 heard me use that inappropriate language that was very uncalled for. 159 00:06:22,930 --> 00:06:24,480 - When you panic like that... - Yeah. 160 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:25,830 He thinks you're more of a threat than you are. 161 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:26,410 Uh-huh. 162 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,860 That's when he's gonna bite down harder. 163 00:06:27,940 --> 00:06:30,730 Okay, well, I will... make an effort this time to... 164 00:06:31,030 --> 00:06:33,970 really try and be as calm as possible 165 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,050 even though it is very difficult to be calm 166 00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:38,180 when you're in the lion's den. 167 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:40,610 Or should I say the doggie den? You know what I mean? 168 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,380 (screaming) Oh, [bleep]! 169 00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:44,980 Oh, [bleep]! This dog is eating my junk! 170 00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:46,590 He's eating my junk! No! 171 00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:48,980 Oh, [bleep]! He's got my junk! 172 00:06:49,010 --> 00:06:50,860 Aghh! Oh, my God! Get him off me! 173 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,960 [happy music] 174 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:57,050 - That's, uh... - You don't even know... 175 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,050 Oh, boy. 176 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,690 Until you've seen a dog go after Keegan-Michael Key's testicles 177 00:07:01,730 --> 00:07:03,370 Four takes in a row. 178 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,110 And this... I love you came into that day cocky. 179 00:07:06,190 --> 00:07:09,070 I couldn't wait. I was like, "Let him go, let him do it!" 180 00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:11,120 - He's like, "I got the [bleep] suit on. 181 00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:11,870 - Oh, man. 182 00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:13,170 "He's not gonna be able to penetrate." 183 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,590 Well, this whole area was protected seven-fold. 184 00:07:16,930 --> 00:07:20,150 So...I didn't feel anything when the dog was there. 185 00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:22,610 It's when I fell on the ground... And they said, 186 00:07:22,670 --> 00:07:24,890 "Let him go at it again while Keegan's laying on the ground. 187 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:25,960 "Let him get in there and get the crotch." 188 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:26,910 "Just get in there!" 189 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,360 - And that dog came right in here, went bip! 190 00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:29,600 and got my thigh. 191 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:32,200 And our magic word was "Uncle." 192 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,650 No one has ever said the word "uncle" faster in their life. 193 00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:38,070 I was like, "Ah! Ah! Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle! 194 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,870 "That's real! It's real! It's real, it's real!" 195 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,410 - And then... you wanna know some... - It's real! 196 00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:43,360 You wanna know some really scary [bleep]? 197 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,560 That dude that owned the dog... My man said, 198 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,150 "Stop, stop, stop! Nein!" 199 00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:53,850 - This dog said... - That dog was like... 200 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,190 That dog came up... 201 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:58,790 (laughing) 202 00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:02,720 [soul music] 203 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,580 I think that I'm the worst Halo player in the world. 204 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,610 You are the worst Halo player. 205 00:08:06,650 --> 00:08:08,520 I'm the worst Halo player in the world. I played with my brother. 206 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,700 I realize I shouldn't have brought that up. 207 00:08:09,710 --> 00:08:10,870 Remember when my brother came over that one time? 208 00:08:10,910 --> 00:08:11,210 Yeah. 209 00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:12,710 We just spent 25 minutes just going, 210 00:08:12,750 --> 00:08:14,690 "Why don't you just go around the backside of the cliff? 211 00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:17,580 "I can't find... Just get out of my way then. 212 00:08:17,690 --> 00:08:19,780 "Well, how am I... There's a thing! Don't shoot it! Shoot it! 213 00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:21,250 "Oh! I'm off the cliff!" 214 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,600 You know, just fall off the cliff. And then I... 215 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,370 - You know, then I'd reanimate. - Just two grown-ass men. 216 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,860 Just two grown men who just reverted to eight-year-olds. 217 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,190 So you can say as much as you want. 218 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,380 But you can't say the name of the celebrity 219 00:08:36,430 --> 00:08:38,090 or any part of their name, got it? 220 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,250 - Yeah. - Yeah, we got it. 221 00:08:39,290 --> 00:08:40,860 - We got it. - You are so gonna lose. 222 00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:41,980 Baby, you are going down. 223 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,780 Why don't you start the timer and be amazed? 224 00:08:43,850 --> 00:08:46,070 And... go. 225 00:08:47,770 --> 00:08:50,090 Okay, this guy... "E" equals mc squared. 226 00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:51,630 - Albert Einstein. - Yes, that is correct. 227 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,000 What? That's easy. Hello? 228 00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:55,150 Okay, this is the Terminator. 229 00:08:55,330 --> 00:08:57,090 - Arnold Schwarzenegger! - Yeah! 230 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,320 Okay, we got... we got... 231 00:08:58,380 --> 00:09:00,450 Talking about, uh... "Are you talking to me?" 232 00:09:00,570 --> 00:09:03,010 - Robert De Niro! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! 233 00:09:03,050 --> 00:09:04,290 All right. All right. 234 00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:06,910 This person pretend to be straight but he's really gay. 235 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,100 Me! 236 00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:09,720 (timer ticking) 237 00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:15,880 Uh, uh... he is, uh... (clears throat) 238 00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:17,750 Excuse me. He's living la vida loca. 239 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,250 Me. 240 00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:21,430 - It's... - No. 241 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,050 - Okay. - He's a, um... 242 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,620 Latin pop star. 243 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,580 I'm not a Latin pop star. 244 00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:29,740 No, you are not. It's not you. 245 00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:31,930 "He bangs, he bangs." 246 00:09:31,990 --> 00:09:34,990 - Oh, Ricky Martin. - That is correct. 247 00:09:35,260 --> 00:09:36,700 I wrote that one too. 248 00:09:36,770 --> 00:09:38,040 (ding) 249 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:40,980 Tyrell about to come out here right now. 250 00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:42,910 - 'sup, ladies? - Watch this, watch this. 251 00:09:42,970 --> 00:09:44,440 Yo, Tyrell. 252 00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:45,760 Yo, what up, Lawrence? 253 00:09:45,810 --> 00:09:47,180 Hey, man, you wanna play front hand, back hand? 254 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,090 - I don't know that game, man. - It's easy, dog. 255 00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:51,450 All you gotta do is say "front hand" or "back hand." 256 00:09:51,510 --> 00:09:53,450 - Aight, front hand. - Ugh! 257 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,050 (all laughing) 258 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,830 Bam! I got you, sucka! 259 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,340 Oh, okay. Okay. I see how it is now. 260 00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:05,080 Come on, man. Come on. You know that [bleep] was funny] 261 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:07,390 - Back hand. - Huh? 262 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,900 It's still my move, right? I choose back hand this time. 263 00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:14,630 - Really? - Back hand, [bleep]! 264 00:10:16,170 --> 00:10:17,510 Uh... 265 00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:21,130 Oh! (laughter) 266 00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,790 - God damn! 267 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:26,790 Look, Ty, I'm sorry, but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean? 268 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,720 I mean, you asked for it. I mean, you literally asked for it. 269 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:32,450 Front hand! 270 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,550 What? No. Why you wanna hit... 271 00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:36,520 I... got it! I figured it out. 272 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,220 Front hand! No, back hand! Back hand! 273 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,510 No, look, look. Dude... Hey... 274 00:10:40,610 --> 00:10:43,110 If you want me to slap you across the face back hand, I'll do it. 275 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,580 Okay? Don't think I won't do it. 276 00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:45,960 But you know that I'm [bleep] with you, right? 277 00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:48,260 I mean, there ain't no game called "front hand, back hand." 278 00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:51,490 - Oh! - Right. Yeah, yeah. 279 00:10:51,810 --> 00:10:54,480 Oh, dog! Yeah, I get it. I get it. 280 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:56,480 All right, all right, all right. 281 00:10:56,710 --> 00:10:59,650 As soon as I get good at "front hand, back hand", 282 00:10:59,850 --> 00:11:01,150 you wanna stop playing. 283 00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:02,250 Play what, man? 284 00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:04,508 I made it up so I could smack you in the face. 285 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:06,789 I'm about to smack you in the face 286 00:11:07,025 --> 00:11:09,255 as soon as it's my turn. Back hand! 287 00:11:09,327 --> 00:11:10,856 There ain't no turns, [bleep], 288 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,264 'cause it ain't no game. 289 00:11:12,282 --> 00:11:13,611 You ain't got no game, [bleep]. 290 00:11:13,647 --> 00:11:14,646 Back hand! 291 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,803 Aghh! 292 00:11:26,302 --> 00:11:27,431 Front hand. 293 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,324 Look, I don't know if you're [bleep] with me 294 00:11:30,372 --> 00:11:31,971 at this point or what... 295 00:11:32,772 --> 00:11:35,952 but I don't wanna... smack a [bleep] no more. 296 00:11:37,984 --> 00:11:40,544 (exaggerated laughter) Where you going then? 297 00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:42,015 Okay, forfeit. 298 00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:45,895 Forfeit, [bleep], I win! I win front hand, back hand! 299 00:11:45,936 --> 00:11:47,366 Okay. Me and you. 300 00:11:47,436 --> 00:11:49,346 [bleep], me and you. Me and you. 301 00:11:49,922 --> 00:11:51,690 Hmm? Back hand. 302 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:56,900 Ah! 303 00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:01,624 (hip-hop music) 304 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,680 Oh! 305 00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:09,050 This November, you gotta get out and vote! 306 00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,743 It's all about democracy, y'all. 307 00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:14,268 Your vote gets counted with the rest of the votes in the country 308 00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:16,664 and they get sent off to the Electoral College. 309 00:12:17,089 --> 00:12:18,190 What's that? 310 00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:20,360 The Electoral College are a bunch of officials 311 00:12:20,430 --> 00:12:21,800 who do the voting for us. 312 00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:23,460 So in case we elect the wrong person, 313 00:12:23,530 --> 00:12:25,430 they can fix that shiz! 314 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,262 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. 315 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,843 - Who the hell are these people? - Well, no one knows for sure, 316 00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:34,009 But whoever they is, they the folks who actually do the real voting 317 00:12:34,038 --> 00:12:35,938 after we do our pretend voting. 318 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,080 Yeah! 319 00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:39,650 - Power to the... - Hold the [bleep] on! 320 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,780 You're telling me our votes don't matter? 321 00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:44,050 Our votes are like suggestions. 322 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,750 So this November, we should... 323 00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:47,960 - Yeah! - Dunk the vote! 324 00:12:51,082 --> 00:12:53,082 [soul music] 325 00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:56,358 You know what I really hate? When, uh... 326 00:12:56,557 --> 00:12:59,055 Girls be... it's usually white girls to be honest. 327 00:12:59,130 --> 00:13:00,997 I don't mean to make it racial, but it is. Sorry. 328 00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:05,870 White girls saying... just dropping "awkward." 329 00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:07,370 "Awkward." 330 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,821 Bitch, it wasn't awkward till you said some [bleep]. 331 00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:13,351 (laughing 332 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,153 What... who are you pointing at, sir? 333 00:13:17,153 --> 00:13:18,453 (indistinct audience member) 334 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:19,879 Oh, that's her? She's doing the aw... 335 00:13:19,879 --> 00:13:21,165 - Did that happen yesterday? - Same way. 336 00:13:21,165 --> 00:13:22,961 Same way. 337 00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:25,405 - And everybody was gonna let it go. - Everyone was gonna let it go. 338 00:13:25,431 --> 00:13:27,673 - Everybody was gonna let it go. - A moment of clarity. 339 00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:30,189 Oh, man. But she had to provide a moment of clarity. 340 00:13:30,189 --> 00:13:32,207 She had to say... "awkward." 341 00:13:34,157 --> 00:13:36,617 That is how black women do it, with the little... 342 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,417 - "Awkward." - You ain't gon... 343 00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:43,258 I'm metaphorically locking the car door on you. 344 00:13:44,684 --> 00:13:45,792 Bip. 345 00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:49,366 Tisket, tasket... - This one back here. 346 00:13:49,397 --> 00:13:51,697 Green and yellow basket. 347 00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:53,276 - This is a limousine. 348 00:13:56,407 --> 00:13:58,832 (phone ringing) 349 00:13:59,993 --> 00:14:01,975 Hello? Thanks for calling Mario's Pizza. 350 00:14:02,079 --> 00:14:04,752 - This is carlos speaking. - Allo. 351 00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:08,663 We would like a large pie 352 00:14:08,705 --> 00:14:11,870 with pepperoni, pineapple, and cheesy crust. 353 00:14:11,914 --> 00:14:15,254 Large pepperoni with pineapple and cheesy crust. 354 00:14:15,457 --> 00:14:19,354 - We would also like a large pie 355 00:14:19,682 --> 00:14:23,335 with bacon, pineapple, and... cheesy crust. 356 00:14:23,397 --> 00:14:25,914 Large bacon, pineapple, with cheesy crust. Okay. 357 00:14:25,922 --> 00:14:27,607 Is that gonna complete your order, sir? 358 00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:29,320 You know what? Let me gauge the room. 359 00:14:29,352 --> 00:14:31,816 Uh, guys, are we gonna want another pizza? 360 00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:33,708 Let me just... who's hungry? Show of hands. 361 00:14:33,721 --> 00:14:36,711 Let me see 'em. One, two, three... 362 00:14:36,728 --> 00:14:39,426 Keep' em up. Four, five, six. 363 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:43,113 - Ah, having a party. (chuckling) - Yup. Pretty big one too. 364 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,800 Come on, guys, keep 'em up. Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu? 365 00:14:46,830 --> 00:14:48,630 You know what, let's play it safe. 366 00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:51,984 Let's get another pie with ham, pineapple. 367 00:14:52,054 --> 00:14:53,592 All right, ham... 368 00:14:53,609 --> 00:14:55,309 Oh, are you guys gonna need cheesy crust on the third? 369 00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,237 Good question. I'll gauge the room. 370 00:14:57,325 --> 00:15:00,635 Hey, guys, do we want cheesy crust on the third? 371 00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:02,478 Okay, yeesh. 372 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,020 That is a resounding yes 373 00:15:05,061 --> 00:15:07,361 for cheesy crust on the third. 374 00:15:07,479 --> 00:15:09,775 Claire says you read her mind. 375 00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:11,517 Claire, huh? I like that name. 376 00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:12,912 It's a good one. 377 00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:16,023 Oh, also, my boy Andy over here 378 00:15:16,070 --> 00:15:18,908 is saying you have something called chicken poppers. 379 00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:21,332 - Is she cute? - Uh, who's that and what now? 380 00:15:21,456 --> 00:15:23,270 - Claire. - Oh. 381 00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:26,699 Her body's like a four. 382 00:15:32,295 --> 00:15:35,465 Ha, let's just say she's kind of a big girl. 383 00:15:35,592 --> 00:15:37,049 That's all good. 384 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,866 That's all superficial, man. I like Claire for what's inside. 385 00:15:40,019 --> 00:15:42,050 - You don't even know Claire. - Yo, but for real though, 386 00:15:42,103 --> 00:15:44,143 I feel like I do know Claire, man. 387 00:15:44,242 --> 00:15:46,306 Put me on the phone with her. 388 00:15:47,533 --> 00:15:49,131 Uh... 389 00:15:49,611 --> 00:15:52,575 You don't need to speak to Claire. 390 00:15:52,644 --> 00:15:53,856 No, I do. 391 00:15:56,252 --> 00:15:58,910 You know what, I gotta level with you, man. 392 00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:02,294 I... [bleep] her. 393 00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:04,409 Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. 394 00:16:04,479 --> 00:16:07,239 I didn't mean to get in between you guys. 395 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,041 No, it's quite all right. 396 00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:12,694 'twas a while ago... 397 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,400 Before she blimped up. 398 00:16:15,761 --> 00:16:17,731 My current girlfriend's Liv. 399 00:16:18,174 --> 00:16:22,043 Body, ten. Face, ten. 400 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:28,110 But anyway, Claire... Yeah. I hit that, sexually. 401 00:16:28,815 --> 00:16:31,285 And, uh, as did my boy Hugo. 402 00:16:31,297 --> 00:16:33,387 Hell, even Bobba got some of that. 403 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,020 So just wanted you to know, used goods, used goods. 404 00:16:37,310 --> 00:16:39,284 So you wouldn't care if I asked her out? 405 00:16:39,897 --> 00:16:41,405 Well... 406 00:16:42,483 --> 00:16:43,967 Let me do it for you. 407 00:16:43,967 --> 00:16:45,935 Hey, Claire, this guy from the pizza place wants to date you. 408 00:16:45,976 --> 00:16:47,845 Too poor? All right, I'll let him down easy. 409 00:16:47,894 --> 00:16:49,536 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No. 410 00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:55,061 Tell her that, no, I'm not a rich man. 411 00:16:55,132 --> 00:16:57,532 But I'm a good man. Tell her, 412 00:16:57,623 --> 00:16:59,810 "Claire, I believe in destiny. 413 00:16:59,841 --> 00:17:03,205 "and I believe that we've always known 414 00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:05,300 "that our soul mate was out there. 415 00:17:05,398 --> 00:17:08,395 "The moment that we had that unspoken connection 416 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,310 "about the cheesy crust... 417 00:17:10,786 --> 00:17:13,186 "I realized that you were always the one. 418 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,017 "Because... and I know this sounds corny... 419 00:17:18,089 --> 00:17:20,230 "but that moment... 420 00:17:20,985 --> 00:17:22,486 "was just like... 421 00:17:24,459 --> 00:17:25,830 "simple." 422 00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:32,370 Wow. 423 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,900 You really do care about Claire. 424 00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:38,385 I do. 425 00:17:39,438 --> 00:17:41,355 Oh, my God! Claire just got shot! 426 00:17:41,397 --> 00:17:42,708 - What? No! - Oh! 427 00:17:42,724 --> 00:17:44,357 Oh! It just came through the window. It was a bullet. 428 00:17:44,382 --> 00:17:45,580 It hit her in the neck. Oh... 429 00:17:45,596 --> 00:17:47,226 Claire's down! She's dead! 430 00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:49,303 She's dead! I'm calling the cops! She's dead! 431 00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:52,040 Claire! Noooo! 432 00:17:59,762 --> 00:18:01,532 Chinese it is. 433 00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:04,160 (soul music) 434 00:18:05,305 --> 00:18:08,236 One thing that fascinates us is that like any movie 435 00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:11,762 - like The Help or... - Glory. 436 00:18:12,176 --> 00:18:14,206 We call 'em like "white man's burden" movies, 437 00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:15,309 'cause you know... 438 00:18:15,516 --> 00:18:17,316 White people go see these movies, 439 00:18:17,342 --> 00:18:18,764 and then they come out and they're like, 440 00:18:18,794 --> 00:18:22,003 "racism is alive! Face it in the eyes! 441 00:18:24,275 --> 00:18:27,801 "Racism's still here and I'm not taking it anymore!" 442 00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:32,760 Like I need to do a Def Jam white guy voice, right? 443 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,458 It's like Def Jam white guy bordering on Jimmy Stewart. 444 00:18:56,793 --> 00:18:57,633 (gasp) 445 00:18:59,019 --> 00:19:01,845 - Are you Ms. Tubman? - The name's Harriet. 446 00:19:02,289 --> 00:19:03,659 Well, thank God in heaven 447 00:19:03,688 --> 00:19:05,288 for the work that you're doing, Harriet. 448 00:19:05,871 --> 00:19:10,370 Before you thank me, let me tell you. 449 00:19:10,388 --> 00:19:13,172 I've led hundreds of slaves to freedom 450 00:19:13,204 --> 00:19:16,060 through this here underground railroad. 451 00:19:17,503 --> 00:19:21,403 But it ain't gon' be easy. Are you ready? 452 00:19:23,225 --> 00:19:25,055 All right. 453 00:19:25,413 --> 00:19:27,470 Then hike up your breeches 454 00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:31,398 and follow me to freedom! 455 00:19:31,550 --> 00:19:32,880 (screaming) 456 00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:35,950 (adventurous music) 457 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,897 Watch this, black molasses! 458 00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:09,271 Well, where is she now? 459 00:20:13,158 --> 00:20:15,098 That was the easy part. 460 00:20:15,157 --> 00:20:16,383 Now stay close. 461 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,563 This next 500 miles gets a little sticky. 462 00:20:20,462 --> 00:20:21,692 Ah! 463 00:20:23,813 --> 00:20:26,840 Forget this, man. I'm going back. 464 00:20:32,910 --> 00:20:34,580 (cheers and applause) 465 00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:37,813 Thank you. 466 00:20:40,853 --> 00:20:42,523 Thank you so much, everybody. 467 00:20:42,665 --> 00:20:45,508 Everybody, thank you so much. You've been a great audience... 468 00:20:45,534 --> 00:20:48,234 sexually, so... 469 00:20:48,427 --> 00:20:51,027 Good night! Good night. Take care. 470 00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:54,220 (soul music) 471 00:20:55,303 --> 00:20:57,873 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 472 00:20:57,984 --> 00:20:59,814 Oh, yeah. 472 00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:06,674 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org