1 00:00:00,188 --> 00:00:02,018 The power of Christ compels you! 2 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:03,493 (screeches) [bleep] your mother! 3 00:00:03,575 --> 00:00:04,921 The power of Christ compels you! 4 00:00:04,988 --> 00:00:06,908 (growling) The power of Christ compels you! 5 00:00:06,925 --> 00:00:08,212 Your mother's in Hell! 6 00:00:08,219 --> 00:00:10,228 The power of Christ compels you! 7 00:00:11,770 --> 00:00:13,070 I'll suck your [bleep]. 8 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,973 Let me suck your [bleep], mother[bleep]. 9 00:00:17,568 --> 00:00:19,102 (groans) 10 00:00:23,298 --> 00:00:24,629 Could you please clear the room? 11 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,802 (scary soul music) 12 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:36,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 13 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:44,235 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 14 00:00:44,428 --> 00:00:47,063 (cheers and applause) 15 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,598 Yo! 16 00:00:48,665 --> 00:00:52,401 (cheers and applause) 17 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,604 Thank you so much. 18 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,973 That was scary... 19 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,929 before it got offensive. 20 00:01:00,668 --> 00:01:02,373 Good evening, everybody, I'm Keegan-Michael Key. 21 00:01:02,406 --> 00:01:04,399 - I am Jordan Peele. - And we're Key and Peele. 22 00:01:04,411 --> 00:01:05,545 Thanks for coming out. 23 00:01:05,578 --> 00:01:06,670 (cheers and applause) 24 00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:07,843 Thank you so much. 25 00:01:07,877 --> 00:01:08,942 Happy Halloween, everybody. 26 00:01:08,951 --> 00:01:09,916 - Welcome. - Happy Halloween. 27 00:01:09,954 --> 00:01:11,520 - This is our... - All Hallow's Eve, yes. 28 00:01:11,536 --> 00:01:13,704 - Our Halloween celebration. - Mm-hmm, yes. 29 00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,924 Um, we are... we're fans of horror movies. 30 00:01:16,063 --> 00:01:17,363 And there's several different kinds. 31 00:01:17,372 --> 00:01:18,739 - There's several different kinds. - There's... right. 32 00:01:18,777 --> 00:01:22,033 There's the kind where there's little Asian children 33 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,469 that sound like Penelope Cruz. 34 00:01:23,512 --> 00:01:25,912 Yup, yeah. (laughs) 35 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,345 Well, you know what? My favorite... 36 00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:31,053 My favorite horror movies are the possession ones. 37 00:01:31,074 --> 00:01:34,089 - Oh, yes, yes. - And since I've been in California, 38 00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:37,079 I will go see a horror movie at 12:00 at night. 39 00:01:37,123 --> 00:01:38,768 I went and saw Paranormal Activity, 40 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:42,036 There was a family of 75 Mexican people in front of me. 41 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,732 And 90% of them were under the age of four. 42 00:01:47,663 --> 00:01:50,231 And... and you know what the most messed up thing about it is, 43 00:01:50,438 --> 00:01:53,207 like clockwork, about halfway through the movie, 44 00:01:53,207 --> 00:01:54,293 - at some point... - Yeah, yeah. 45 00:01:54,389 --> 00:01:57,820 Somebody goes, "Oh, no, it's not a ghost, it's a demon." 46 00:01:57,866 --> 00:01:59,015 The entire mexican family, 47 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,961 "Oh, no, [bleep] this. We don't [bleep] with that." 48 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,285 (mumbling) 49 00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:04,827 - Right in front of my action. - Everybody, there's the kid... 50 00:02:04,843 --> 00:02:07,011 Oh, come on, this is... 51 00:02:07,011 --> 00:02:08,403 This is ridiculous. 52 00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,652 They're all leaving, the whole family. 53 00:02:10,653 --> 00:02:12,714 - This is a... you know... - En masse, out the door. 54 00:02:12,736 --> 00:02:15,336 It's a horror movie, it's always Diablo! 55 00:02:15,358 --> 00:02:17,054 Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen? 56 00:02:17,069 --> 00:02:18,035 [laughs] 57 00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:21,722 Oh, here we go, we got more. 58 00:02:22,765 --> 00:02:23,626 Hey! 59 00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:26,495 What's up, Ted and Annette? Come on in. 60 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:30,099 Yes. Fangs for coming. (laughs) 61 00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:31,801 Have a bloody good time. 62 00:02:31,846 --> 00:02:34,133 Awesome. Oh! Oh. 63 00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:35,306 (sings like Michael Jackson) ♪ Hee-hee! ♪ 64 00:02:35,306 --> 00:02:37,736 There he is. What's up, Noah? 65 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:39,648 ♪ Hee-hee! ♪ - Michael Jackson. 66 00:02:39,691 --> 00:02:41,615 - ♪ (vocalizing) Hee-Hee! ♪ - Oh, here it is. 67 00:02:42,085 --> 00:02:44,158 - ♪ Hee-hee! ♪ - Yeah, that's what he does. 68 00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:45,994 - ♪ Hee-hee! ♪ - That's Michael Jackson. 69 00:02:46,008 --> 00:02:47,342 - ♪ Hee-hee! ♪ - All right. 70 00:02:47,342 --> 00:02:50,206 - ♪ Hee-ee hee! ♪ - Great! 71 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:51,548 - Ow! - Nice. 72 00:02:51,592 --> 00:02:53,806 ♪ Ow! Sham! ♪ - Oh, there we go. 73 00:02:53,816 --> 00:02:55,850 - ♪ Sham! ♪ - There we go. 74 00:02:55,850 --> 00:02:58,295 - ♪ Sham! ♪ - All right, three's the charm. 75 00:02:58,337 --> 00:02:59,337 - ♪ Sham on! ♪ - Four. 76 00:02:59,343 --> 00:03:00,243 - Ha! - All right, well... 77 00:03:00,243 --> 00:03:03,465 - Annie, are you okay? - Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning. 78 00:03:03,466 --> 00:03:04,866 - Are you okay, Annie? - All right. 79 00:03:04,897 --> 00:03:06,901 - Are you okay? - Annie, are you okay, Annie? 80 00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:09,531 You've been touched by a smooth criminal. 81 00:03:09,549 --> 00:03:10,955 - Very nice Ha!. - ♪ Sham on! ♪ 82 00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:13,321 - Oh, more kicks. - Ha! Closer! Closer! 83 00:03:13,321 --> 00:03:15,030 - More kicks. You're... - Close to your face! 84 00:03:15,048 --> 00:03:16,951 You... Ah! You almost hit me there. 85 00:03:16,973 --> 00:03:18,107 - You're really getting... - ♪ Sham on! ♪ 86 00:03:18,119 --> 00:03:19,386 No more "sham on"s. 87 00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:20,231 (vocalizing) ♪ Hoo hoo! ♪ 88 00:03:20,262 --> 00:03:21,195 You want to come inside? 89 00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:27,002 That's annoying. That is very annoy... 90 00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:29,878 Stop. Stop! Just... Don't do it anymore. 91 00:03:29,946 --> 00:03:30,940 Ha! 92 00:03:30,974 --> 00:03:32,641 ♪ Yo ! Sham on! ♪ - Great. 93 00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:34,331 Just keep doing the sham on. That's the one... 94 00:03:34,376 --> 00:03:35,934 Where the children at? ♪ Hee! Hee! ♪ 95 00:03:35,947 --> 00:03:37,297 - "Where the children at?" - ♪ Jesus juice ♪ 96 00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,607 - That's in bad taste. - Ho! 97 00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:43,673 - This isn't... - [growls] 98 00:03:44,201 --> 00:03:45,456 Don't even know what that is. 99 00:03:45,495 --> 00:03:46,995 Thriller eyes. 100 00:03:47,007 --> 00:03:48,818 - ♪ Sham on! ♪ - What... what are you doing? 101 00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:51,211 - ♪ Jam it on! Jam it on! ♪ - No, you're cut of sham ons. 102 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:52,879 I'm... oh, okay. Ha! 103 00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:55,391 He doesn't slap his ass like that, so I don't know what... 104 00:03:55,419 --> 00:03:57,920 - Okay. - ♪ nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah... ♪ 105 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,488 - ♪ Nah-nah ♪ - No, he doesn't... 106 00:03:59,525 --> 00:04:01,064 I've never seen him hit his ass... 107 00:04:01,112 --> 00:04:03,794 - Hey. But no... - O-oh! (prolonged yell) 108 00:04:03,803 --> 00:04:05,904 (prolonged yell) Hey... can we just... hey... 109 00:04:05,909 --> 00:04:07,176 (prolonged yell) Hey, man... 110 00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:09,564 (prolonged yell) Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it! 111 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,326 The [bleep] costume's awful, 112 00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:14,398 The impression is stupid and played out, 113 00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:15,937 Everybody and their mother was Michael Jackson 114 00:04:15,943 --> 00:04:17,577 three years ago when he died! 115 00:04:25,159 --> 00:04:26,288 He died? 116 00:04:27,108 --> 00:04:29,724 - Oh. - Wait... wait, he died? 117 00:04:29,724 --> 00:04:30,890 Oh, Noah. 118 00:04:30,927 --> 00:04:33,595 (sighs) - Oh, Noah... 119 00:04:33,632 --> 00:04:35,066 ♪ Boo hoo ♪ 120 00:04:35,134 --> 00:04:36,968 What? No, wait... wait a second. 121 00:04:37,409 --> 00:04:39,528 Don't sad-moonwalk away. 122 00:04:39,539 --> 00:04:40,673 ♪ Mm, boo hoo ♪ 123 00:04:40,673 --> 00:04:43,474 - You know what? Let... - ♪ Boo hoo! ♪ 124 00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:44,811 Happy Halloween. 125 00:04:45,855 --> 00:04:47,982 (ominous music) 126 00:04:48,991 --> 00:04:50,825 (breathing heavily) All right, listen up. 127 00:04:51,109 --> 00:04:53,344 Sheriff's department's close by... We'll be safe there. 128 00:04:53,381 --> 00:04:54,814 - Okay. - Stay close. 129 00:04:54,851 --> 00:04:56,985 (blows air) I'll get you out of here. 130 00:04:57,053 --> 00:04:58,754 (snarling) 131 00:04:58,791 --> 00:04:59,991 (screaming) 132 00:04:59,997 --> 00:05:02,564 (screaming and whimpering) 133 00:05:04,689 --> 00:05:07,012 Oh, my God! Oh, my G... They got Brad! 134 00:05:07,058 --> 00:05:09,509 (whimpers) They got Brad! They got Brad! 135 00:05:09,549 --> 00:05:11,550 Hey, they didn't get us! They didn't get us! 136 00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:13,054 (whimpers) Okay? We're still alive. 137 00:05:13,091 --> 00:05:14,736 - Yeah, right. - Keep it together. 138 00:05:14,804 --> 00:05:15,372 Yeah, okay. 139 00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:17,343 We gotta make it to that sheriff's station. 140 00:05:22,305 --> 00:05:24,240 (gasps) 141 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:33,020 (screaming) 142 00:05:35,018 --> 00:05:36,944 We gotta go through 'em. 143 00:05:36,983 --> 00:05:39,751 Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get bit. 144 00:05:40,412 --> 00:05:41,245 Go! 145 00:05:42,726 --> 00:05:45,095 (whimpering) 146 00:05:52,215 --> 00:05:54,983 - Are you getting this? - Yeah, what is up? 147 00:05:55,081 --> 00:05:57,322 All right, let's go. Let's go. 148 00:05:58,854 --> 00:06:00,855 This is crazy. 149 00:06:04,894 --> 00:06:06,832 - What? - Um... 150 00:06:11,054 --> 00:06:13,098 - Oh. - Ain't that some [bleep]? 151 00:06:13,184 --> 00:06:16,135 These are some racist mother-[bleep] zombies! 152 00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:17,641 Why would you even lock the door? 153 00:06:17,829 --> 00:06:19,082 I mean, the window's broken, and... 154 00:06:19,091 --> 00:06:20,091 (gasps) 155 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:22,297 Oh! Oh, hell, no. 156 00:06:22,365 --> 00:06:23,465 - That's... - No, no, no. 157 00:06:26,942 --> 00:06:29,394 - Oh, come on! - What is that? 158 00:06:29,538 --> 00:06:31,253 They seriously wouldn't let her eat us. 159 00:06:31,255 --> 00:06:32,822 - That's... - Hey, guys. 160 00:06:33,636 --> 00:06:35,309 Isn't this great? 161 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,372 These racist zombies are leaving us alone. 162 00:06:37,828 --> 00:06:39,495 Come on, we're having a party. 163 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,452 (funk music) 164 00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,503 The beer is here! 165 00:06:45,512 --> 00:06:47,480 (cheering) 166 00:06:47,576 --> 00:06:49,644 And look who I brought. Come on, man. 167 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,604 (cheering) 168 00:06:56,732 --> 00:06:59,502 (ominous music] 169 00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:08,356 (soul music) 170 00:07:09,432 --> 00:07:11,333 You like Harry Potter movies, right? 171 00:07:11,341 --> 00:07:13,742 I do like... putting me on blast. 172 00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,715 - Put me on blast. - I'm just asking you... 173 00:07:15,753 --> 00:07:17,353 - Yeah, I like... (laughs) - If you enjoy the... 174 00:07:17,362 --> 00:07:19,149 Can you explain that phenomenon to me? 175 00:07:19,216 --> 00:07:20,535 Never read a book, never seen a movie. 176 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,455 - Okay, see, well, you're... - I don't know anything about it. 177 00:07:22,463 --> 00:07:24,439 - You're missing out. - Am I missing out? Am I missing out? 178 00:07:24,468 --> 00:07:25,678 Mm, my friend. (Affirmative response) 179 00:07:26,424 --> 00:07:30,283 My friend, the wonderful world of Hogwarts. 180 00:07:31,425 --> 00:07:33,359 Okay, and that's... that's his house, right? 181 00:07:33,426 --> 00:07:34,377 That's... oh. 182 00:07:34,479 --> 00:07:36,547 - That's... Hogwarts's house? - House. 183 00:07:36,585 --> 00:07:37,985 No, you would love it. 184 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,826 You would love... you would be perfect for Hog... 185 00:07:39,921 --> 00:07:42,190 - I don't think so. - You...look, Hufflepuff. 186 00:07:42,227 --> 00:07:44,554 [bleep] Hufflepuff. You just got sorted. 187 00:07:44,723 --> 00:07:47,153 - Do I go like... (hums) - You just got sorted. 188 00:07:47,207 --> 00:07:48,400 Is that right? Is what I'm doing right? 189 00:07:50,869 --> 00:07:53,070 Okay, but do I look in the camera? 190 00:07:53,079 --> 00:07:55,347 No? Oh, at you? All right. (chuckles) 191 00:07:55,385 --> 00:07:58,053 Like on television, all right. 192 00:07:59,055 --> 00:08:00,878 (magical sparking) 193 00:08:01,784 --> 00:08:03,719 (booming) 194 00:08:03,815 --> 00:08:04,983 Now, knock it off! 195 00:08:05,088 --> 00:08:08,290 All the stupid-ass grab-ass and touchy-feely bull[bleep]! 196 00:08:08,507 --> 00:08:10,694 God damn! I told you they was rotten. 197 00:08:14,653 --> 00:08:18,622 I am Parnabus Jackson, principal here at Clortho's, 198 00:08:19,254 --> 00:08:22,840 Uh, Vince Clortho High. Uh... 199 00:08:22,872 --> 00:08:24,930 (grunts) This station's just a formality, but... 200 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,628 Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week. 201 00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:30,248 Stuff...we don't have to show them that. 202 00:08:30,405 --> 00:08:32,139 Here's a wand with a silencer on it. 203 00:08:32,237 --> 00:08:35,121 Why? But I ask again, why? 204 00:08:35,192 --> 00:08:37,358 One out of five girls in this school 205 00:08:37,479 --> 00:08:39,447 is pregnant with a demon baby! 206 00:08:39,544 --> 00:08:40,644 - Well... - One out of five! 207 00:08:40,712 --> 00:08:42,848 - Okay. (laughs) - *** 208 00:08:42,917 --> 00:08:44,841 The babies are evil, 209 00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:47,994 But the mothers, they're good kids. 210 00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,038 As we say at Clortho's, 211 00:08:50,271 --> 00:08:52,885 "There's never a portal that cannot be opened 212 00:08:52,887 --> 00:08:55,307 "with ingenuity and respect." 213 00:08:55,422 --> 00:08:57,055 (can spraying) Now... 214 00:08:57,093 --> 00:08:57,926 (scoffs) 215 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,961 How you gon' be using an invisible cloak, 216 00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:04,625 when I can see you're tagging the damn wall? 217 00:09:05,062 --> 00:09:06,529 Dime bag of pixie dust. 218 00:09:06,581 --> 00:09:07,842 (scoffs) Contraband. 219 00:09:07,870 --> 00:09:09,304 See, here's the thing, 220 00:09:09,304 --> 00:09:11,470 The kids know that the only way to fly... 221 00:09:11,495 --> 00:09:13,608 - Wizard pepper. - Unbelievable. 222 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:15,900 Get your ass out my office. 223 00:09:16,011 --> 00:09:18,446 I will turn you into a spider! 224 00:09:19,028 --> 00:09:20,224 They're good kids. 225 00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:22,069 (school bell ringing) Hogwarts and Clortho's, 226 00:09:22,086 --> 00:09:24,388 Clortho's and Hogwarts, they go hand-in-hand, 227 00:09:24,455 --> 00:09:27,092 The best top two wizarding schools there are. 228 00:09:27,694 --> 00:09:29,699 But you know, out of these two schools, 229 00:09:29,765 --> 00:09:30,939 we each have a strike. 230 00:09:30,985 --> 00:09:34,406 We do score a little bit lower on standardized tests 231 00:09:34,475 --> 00:09:38,311 than hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias. 232 00:09:38,357 --> 00:09:41,492 We may not have a huge endowment 233 00:09:41,518 --> 00:09:43,586 like they get over at Hogwarts, 234 00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:45,933 and yes, some of the teachers have to buy 235 00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:48,035 their own newt's eyes or bat wings or... 236 00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:49,652 One kid got transformed into a cat. 237 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,239 They can't even afford to change him back. 238 00:09:51,245 --> 00:09:52,912 This young man's name is Jamar. 239 00:09:53,215 --> 00:09:55,616 Normally, you're not allowed to touch the students like this 240 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:57,287 when they're in human form, 241 00:09:57,441 --> 00:10:01,077 But when they're a cat, we just have at it. 242 00:10:02,049 --> 00:10:03,446 Sports. 243 00:10:03,492 --> 00:10:05,145 Everybody loves sports. 244 00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,167 - It's true. - Not everybody. 245 00:10:06,218 --> 00:10:07,718 The hallways are a-bluster 246 00:10:07,758 --> 00:10:09,726 with the conversation of our Quidditch team. 247 00:10:09,751 --> 00:10:11,667 Half the team is back here riding mops. 248 00:10:11,693 --> 00:10:13,276 We got two little [bleep] on Swiffers. 249 00:10:13,287 --> 00:10:14,251 Lester! 250 00:10:15,103 --> 00:10:18,824 When all is said and done, the average Clortho student... 251 00:10:18,863 --> 00:10:20,565 (squeaking) uh, say... This mother... 252 00:10:21,263 --> 00:10:22,413 (laughs) 253 00:10:22,802 --> 00:10:24,542 Sometimes the kids think it's cute 254 00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,257 To turn themselves into a rat, 255 00:10:26,411 --> 00:10:28,416 (laughs) sneak into my office, 256 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:29,555 Play a little joke on me. 257 00:10:29,581 --> 00:10:31,423 Who is that? Tyrone, is that... is that...? 258 00:10:31,444 --> 00:10:32,945 No, that's an actual rat. 259 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,392 So I'm doing this, like, airline food diet. 260 00:10:36,414 --> 00:10:37,381 - Yeah. - It's, like, all I eat, 261 00:10:37,406 --> 00:10:38,306 and I've lost, like, 16 pounds. 262 00:10:38,308 --> 00:10:39,256 - Oh, my God, Amy. - Yeah. 263 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:40,654 - I almost forgot to tell you. - What? 264 00:10:40,654 --> 00:10:41,826 We got a new receptionist at work. 265 00:10:41,828 --> 00:10:43,262 - Ew! No way. - Yeah. So... 266 00:10:43,266 --> 00:10:45,416 I'm in the common area alone, minding my own business... 267 00:10:45,442 --> 00:10:46,751 - Yeah...oh, she said something to you? 268 00:10:46,754 --> 00:10:48,489 She came up to me, and no joke, she's like, 269 00:10:48,684 --> 00:10:50,919 "Hi, I'm Sandy. I don't believe we've met yet." 270 00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:52,788 (gasps) She said that to you? 271 00:10:52,831 --> 00:10:55,299 Like, no, Amy, I'm not even kidding you. 272 00:10:55,302 --> 00:10:57,102 She's crazy. - Um, yeah! 273 00:10:57,149 --> 00:11:01,102 No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy, like, get this bitch away from me, 274 00:11:01,172 --> 00:11:03,130 She's sociopathically batshit crazy. 275 00:11:03,155 --> 00:11:04,255 Oh, my God, that totally reminds me, 276 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,114 - I have a new neighbor. - Ew, yeah? 277 00:11:06,117 --> 00:11:07,871 She comes over to my house, she knocks on the door 278 00:11:07,897 --> 00:11:09,962 with, like, a package under her arm. 279 00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:11,996 - Um, stalker much? - Um, yeah. 280 00:11:11,999 --> 00:11:13,900 And she looks me in the eye, and she says to me, 281 00:11:13,925 --> 00:11:16,560 "Um, excuse me, I think the postman 282 00:11:16,563 --> 00:11:19,492 dropped this package off at my house by accident." 283 00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:21,039 - (gasps) She said that to you? - (gasps) Yeah. 284 00:11:21,073 --> 00:11:22,422 - Crazy bitch! - I mean, like, 285 00:11:22,469 --> 00:11:24,236 I'm gonna have to move because this bitch is 286 00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:25,617 nutburgers-McLooneytunes, 287 00:11:25,663 --> 00:11:27,798 stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed- with-a-knife crazy. 288 00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:29,423 Oh, my God, that totally reminds me! 289 00:11:29,448 --> 00:11:31,123 - Oh, yeah. - You remember that girl at Starbuck's? 290 00:11:31,156 --> 00:11:33,068 - The crazy one? - No, a different one. She's new. 291 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,110 - I haven't met her yet. - Well, she's crazy. 292 00:11:35,155 --> 00:11:36,723 - Uh-huh. - She gives me my change, 293 00:11:36,769 --> 00:11:39,123 and then she's like, "Thanks, bye." 294 00:11:39,619 --> 00:11:42,254 (gasps) She smiled at you like that? 295 00:11:42,258 --> 00:11:44,359 - How crazy is that? - That's, like... 296 00:11:44,384 --> 00:11:46,482 That's, like, insane-in-the-membrane crazy. 297 00:11:46,490 --> 00:11:49,173 Like, this is the membrane, she's inside of it, 'cause that's insane. 298 00:11:49,173 --> 00:11:50,823 No, I'm not even kidding you, Amy, 299 00:11:50,830 --> 00:11:53,314 that's crazy like, it-puts- the-lotion-in-the-basket, 300 00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:56,606 or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again, Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray! 301 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:59,834 Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister, her name would be "Cray." 302 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:00,517 Hey! 303 00:12:01,477 --> 00:12:03,378 You ladies want to meet Channing Tatum? 304 00:12:03,446 --> 00:12:04,746 (gasps) 305 00:12:04,771 --> 00:12:06,705 - Is he really in there? - Are you serious? 306 00:12:06,902 --> 00:12:09,303 - Oh, Channing! - (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing! 307 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,662 Channing, what are you doing in a van? 308 00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,721 This is effing crazy. I don't see you, Channing. 309 00:12:12,746 --> 00:12:14,279 - Why are you hiding? - Why are you in here? 310 00:12:14,283 --> 00:12:16,481 Channing, are you, like, in a little ball in the front seat? 311 00:12:16,515 --> 00:12:18,089 Hello? It smells like mildew in here. 312 00:12:18,108 --> 00:12:20,322 - I bet... - ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge. 313 00:12:20,346 --> 00:12:21,429 Is that a meat hook? 314 00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:30,848 You guys, uh, you guys know what a human centipede is? 315 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,027 (mixed reaction) Human centipede? 316 00:12:32,073 --> 00:12:33,002 Yeah. You guys? 317 00:12:33,028 --> 00:12:34,262 Some of you don't? Some people don't. 318 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,047 There's this movie called Human Centipede. 319 00:12:36,061 --> 00:12:38,326 It's the most [bleep] up horror movie ever. 320 00:12:38,371 --> 00:12:39,916 Ever made. Ever made, ever. 321 00:12:39,944 --> 00:12:42,260 And what happens, basically, three people 322 00:12:42,292 --> 00:12:45,000 and the first person's ass is sewn to the next person's mouth. 323 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,796 - Mouth. - Whose ass is sewn... 324 00:12:46,803 --> 00:12:49,037 To the next person's mouth. 325 00:12:49,364 --> 00:12:52,890 And hence, a multi-legged organism, uh... 326 00:12:53,154 --> 00:12:55,053 And then... Look at this woman's mouth, 327 00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:56,652 It's just open... Don't open your mouth right now, ma'am. 328 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:57,646 She's just, like... don't op... yes, please, don't... 329 00:12:57,691 --> 00:12:58,649 You don't want to open your... 330 00:12:58,677 --> 00:12:59,810 No one's gonna do it to you, ma'am. 331 00:12:59,856 --> 00:13:01,423 (audience ohs) 332 00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:04,682 So here's what happened in real life on planet Earth. 333 00:13:04,729 --> 00:13:06,671 [laughs] - On planet earth, in real life, 334 00:13:06,724 --> 00:13:08,821 Somebody said, "Let's take a look at this script here. 335 00:13:08,862 --> 00:13:10,088 - Yeah. - "Let me see. 336 00:13:10,113 --> 00:13:12,129 "I think you'll like everything I've done there. 337 00:13:12,199 --> 00:13:14,167 - "Uh-huh, okay. - "Let me know how you think. 338 00:13:14,256 --> 00:13:16,451 "Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah, 339 00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:18,566 "this should make millions of dollars." 340 00:13:21,649 --> 00:13:23,514 - I am gonna go wash my hands. - Okay, sweetie. 341 00:13:23,525 --> 00:13:25,359 - Okay. - See you in a second. 342 00:13:29,252 --> 00:13:30,416 (laughing) 343 00:13:31,107 --> 00:13:32,344 Buddy! 344 00:13:32,607 --> 00:13:35,709 Um, I'm sorry, uh, that seat is actually taken. 345 00:13:35,992 --> 00:13:38,255 My girlfriend is in the bathroom, 346 00:13:38,258 --> 00:13:40,580 and she should be back any second, so you cannot sit there. 347 00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:42,912 You don't even recognize me, do you? 348 00:13:42,937 --> 00:13:44,838 No. No, I d...I don't... I don't know you. 349 00:13:44,905 --> 00:13:47,040 We were in that human centipede together! 350 00:13:47,042 --> 00:13:49,244 I said, I do not know you. 351 00:13:49,268 --> 00:13:52,296 Three years ago, we were kidnapped by the crazy German scientist 352 00:13:52,356 --> 00:13:55,000 who surgically connected us into a single human digestive chain. 353 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,402 There were three of us, I was in the middle, 354 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,273 you were at the end, the other guy was up front. 355 00:13:58,316 --> 00:14:00,229 Your mouth was sewn to my butthole! 356 00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:01,491 Okay, yes, I remember! 357 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,510 And after years of therapy, I finally put that behind me. 358 00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,210 Probably should've said you put it behind me, 359 00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:08,035 If you catch my drift. (laughing) I'm sorry. 360 00:14:08,036 --> 00:14:09,805 Sorry! You already caught my drift. 361 00:14:09,811 --> 00:14:11,264 I'm sorry! (laughs) That's it. 362 00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,477 It was right there in front of me. 363 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,114 - Really? Really? - (laughing) I'm sorry. 364 00:14:14,249 --> 00:14:15,730 I guess it was right there in front of you. 365 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,811 That's it. (laughing) I'm sorry. 366 00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:20,547 How are you doing? (laughing) How are you? 367 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,168 Is there something else I can help you with? 368 00:14:22,214 --> 00:14:23,914 - Um...oh! - Hey, [bleep] eater. 369 00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:26,140 - No [bleep] way! - Hey! (laughs) 370 00:14:26,164 --> 00:14:28,732 - Front man! (laughs) - this is a [bleep] nightmare. 371 00:14:28,736 --> 00:14:29,936 Hey, Back man. Back man! 372 00:14:29,939 --> 00:14:31,573 No, don't call me that. 373 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,745 - Ah! - Hey, cop a squat. 374 00:14:32,745 --> 00:14:33,912 No! 375 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,831 Ooh, chili. Old habits die hard? 376 00:14:35,877 --> 00:14:37,645 (laughs) Nice one! (laughs) 377 00:14:37,648 --> 00:14:39,411 - Now I can't eat it. - Oh, word? 378 00:14:39,742 --> 00:14:42,825 - Why are you happy to see him? - Come on, man! 379 00:14:42,885 --> 00:14:45,363 You know, we all shared the same experience. 380 00:14:45,388 --> 00:14:48,025 No, we didn't. He was in the front. Nobody [bleep] in his mouth! 381 00:14:48,082 --> 00:14:48,979 That is true. 382 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,242 - Do you ever stop eating? Ever? - Only when I'm [bleep]. (laughs) 383 00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:53,014 Okay. 384 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:56,173 - But me and you, right? - Me and you what? 385 00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,454 I mean. We were in the same boat. 386 00:14:58,517 --> 00:15:00,384 Nope, you two were in the same boat. 387 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:02,164 You both [bleep] in someone's mouth. 388 00:15:02,232 --> 00:15:03,932 I didn't get to [bleep] in anyone's mouth! 389 00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:04,545 "Get to"? 390 00:15:04,614 --> 00:15:06,370 When do I get to [bleep] in anybody's mouth, huh? 391 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,032 When do I get to [bleep] in somebody's mouth? 392 00:15:09,072 --> 00:15:11,974 - Steven! - Hon... I... No. 393 00:15:12,672 --> 00:15:15,545 These guys... I can explain this. I can explain this. 394 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:17,014 You... 395 00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:18,760 Oh, you're disgusted? 396 00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:20,513 You... oh, now, you're gonna leave? 397 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,921 (scoffs) oh, yeah. That's great. Oh, yeah. 398 00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,815 Once again, I'm the asshole. 399 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:30,796 (Hail to the Chief playing) 400 00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:33,032 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 401 00:15:33,553 --> 00:15:36,666 Now, as you know, sometimes during the chaos 402 00:15:36,690 --> 00:15:38,172 of a presidential campaign, 403 00:15:38,266 --> 00:15:40,996 It's easy to forget the beauty of the democratic process... 404 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:41,940 This is it! (alarm blaring) 405 00:15:42,461 --> 00:15:43,776 Armageddon! 406 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,519 I mean, y'all got to vote for me, y'all, you have to! 407 00:15:46,576 --> 00:15:50,082 Or we gonna get banked over by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires! 408 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,217 (alarm continues whooping) 409 00:15:52,609 --> 00:15:54,343 This is my anger translator, Luther, 410 00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:56,724 Who... I thought had the day off. 411 00:15:57,336 --> 00:15:59,159 What the [bleep] are you doing here, Luther? 412 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,562 (alarm continues) (crash, alarm stops) 413 00:16:01,766 --> 00:16:04,267 Anyway, I think that everybody 414 00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:06,849 needs to take a moment to appreciate 415 00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:09,558 that our political system truly works. 416 00:16:09,646 --> 00:16:13,109 Unless Romney wins, and then the [bleep] is broke! 417 00:16:14,017 --> 00:16:16,804 And despite the heated rhetoric of a campaign, there's 418 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,447 always a place for civil discourse. 419 00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:21,641 As long as you got a few million dollars lying around 420 00:16:21,695 --> 00:16:23,729 so you can counteract all the negative ads. 421 00:16:23,905 --> 00:16:25,494 Hey, Romney and Karl Rove 422 00:16:25,515 --> 00:16:28,699 and all you evil mother[bleep] with your slimy-ass super PACs, 423 00:16:28,723 --> 00:16:31,459 Y'all done poked a hornet's nest with a sugar stick. 424 00:16:31,497 --> 00:16:34,527 Y'all slapped Frankenstein right in the bolts, man. 425 00:16:34,565 --> 00:16:36,099 (grunting) 426 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:37,841 Uhh! 427 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,183 And you know what, after I win this? 428 00:16:40,525 --> 00:16:42,267 I'm taking all y'all down. 429 00:16:43,053 --> 00:16:43,905 - Thank you, 430 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:46,351 And I'll see you all on the campaign trail. 431 00:16:46,543 --> 00:16:48,409 And when you give me your babies to kiss, 432 00:16:48,517 --> 00:16:50,718 please clean they diapers, all right? 433 00:16:50,807 --> 00:16:52,707 'cause I ain't trying to kiss no poop! 434 00:16:52,862 --> 00:16:54,669 Just wash they ass. 435 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,125 You know, just wash their ass. 436 00:16:57,876 --> 00:17:00,603 It's true. You should wash their ass. 437 00:17:02,446 --> 00:17:05,382 (Hail to the chief playing) 438 00:17:09,091 --> 00:17:10,959 (soul music) 439 00:17:12,405 --> 00:17:15,817 How come in every Stephen King book or movie... 440 00:17:15,862 --> 00:17:16,560 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 441 00:17:16,595 --> 00:17:19,026 a black person has got to have special powers? 442 00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:20,955 Yeah, Green Mile. 443 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,666 (magical humming) And the mouse is alive. 444 00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:23,969 - Right. - I mean, you know what I mean? 445 00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:25,894 Okay. (magical humming) tom hanks' (bleep) works. 446 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:27,157 - That's right. - You know what I mean? 447 00:17:27,283 --> 00:17:28,077 It's just, like... 448 00:17:28,156 --> 00:17:29,732 Bees coming out of this mother-[bleep] mouth. 449 00:17:29,761 --> 00:17:31,495 - Aah. - I mean, you know what I mean? 450 00:17:31,529 --> 00:17:33,196 And in The Stand, the woman... you know, she had... 451 00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:34,897 She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah. 452 00:17:34,897 --> 00:17:36,772 Oh, Mama Abagail gonna show you the way. 453 00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:38,961 - That's...oh, yeah. - Yeah. 454 00:17:39,772 --> 00:17:41,341 - I want to go to Maine... - Yes. 455 00:17:41,378 --> 00:17:43,041 So I can meet all these magical black people. 456 00:17:43,046 --> 00:17:45,243 That is where magical black people go to retire. 457 00:17:45,345 --> 00:17:46,712 I-I...yeah, right... oh, okay. 458 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,530 So your office is all the way down at the end. 459 00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:54,147 You have your own attached bathroom, by the way. 460 00:17:54,726 --> 00:17:57,400 Oh, um, here's one of our best researchers. Dick? 461 00:17:57,401 --> 00:18:00,053 - Hey. - Ah, hello there. 462 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,756 (dramatic music) What's up, dude? 463 00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:06,773 Glad to see there's another brother in this stuffy place. 464 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,864 - So, uh, this is gonna be your assistant, Genevieve. 465 00:18:10,932 --> 00:18:12,733 - Genevieve, I'm... - (dramatic music) What is this? 466 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,773 It's the Shining, man. 467 00:18:15,045 --> 00:18:16,979 All black people have the Shining. 468 00:18:17,114 --> 00:18:19,386 You never shined with another black person before? 469 00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:22,548 No, I grew up in a white neighborhood and then went to Dartmouth. 470 00:18:22,556 --> 00:18:25,382 I've met other black people before, but not like this. 471 00:18:25,493 --> 00:18:28,729 You gotta get shined at by another black person first, 472 00:18:28,797 --> 00:18:31,498 and then you get it. It's kinda like Facebook. 473 00:18:33,257 --> 00:18:36,426 (dramatic music) What up, dudes? 474 00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:39,445 So every black person has this? Is Kobe listening? 475 00:18:39,462 --> 00:18:40,543 (voice of Kobe Bryant) Yo, what up? 476 00:18:40,601 --> 00:18:42,135 Wow! Denzel Washington? 477 00:18:42,169 --> 00:18:43,907 (voice of denzel washington) I'm here, I'm present, 478 00:18:43,942 --> 00:18:45,476 and I will always be around. 479 00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:48,745 - Lil' Jon? - (voice of Lil' Jon) Yeah! 480 00:18:48,813 --> 00:18:51,272 (voice of Barack Obama) Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray. 481 00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:53,918 I'm glad to have you on board. 482 00:18:54,019 --> 00:18:57,355 Oh, [bleep]! What's up, Barack Obama? 483 00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:00,180 Ahem! 484 00:19:00,248 --> 00:19:01,948 (chuckles) 485 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:04,618 Wouldn't that be something if Barack Obama just showed up? 486 00:19:06,087 --> 00:19:08,369 Your start-up paperwork's right over here. 487 00:19:09,908 --> 00:19:12,390 (dramatic music) Man, you gotta be more careful. 488 00:19:12,566 --> 00:19:14,100 Learn to use the Shining. 489 00:19:14,304 --> 00:19:15,730 Tune in and out of it. 490 00:19:18,744 --> 00:19:20,627 And I'm sick of these goddamn snakes... 491 00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,064 - Just give me the basketball! - ...on this goddamn plane! 492 00:19:23,111 --> 00:19:25,379 Here, yo, Coco, what you want to drink, girl? 493 00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:26,546 Leo, what are you doing? 494 00:19:26,546 --> 00:19:28,714 Drink some colt 45 malt liquor. 495 00:19:28,781 --> 00:19:31,540 (overlapping voices) Women dig chocolate! 496 00:19:31,977 --> 00:19:33,112 Is everything okay? 497 00:19:33,157 --> 00:19:36,370 (dramatic music) Ray! Listen for Morgan. 498 00:19:37,115 --> 00:19:39,960 Morgan Freeman. He will guide you. 499 00:19:40,043 --> 00:19:42,338 (voice of Morgan Freeman) Listen to my voice, Ray. 500 00:19:42,888 --> 00:19:46,533 Now, just stay calm and focus on that white man. 501 00:19:46,577 --> 00:19:48,444 (exhales) 502 00:19:48,582 --> 00:19:50,650 Everything's going to be okay. 503 00:19:50,752 --> 00:19:53,839 Once you finish up this paperwork, bring it to Jennifer in my office. 504 00:19:57,175 --> 00:19:59,226 (voice of Morgan Freeman) Now, pick up that letter opener, 505 00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:03,647 and kill that white man. 506 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:09,216 Have an amazing Halloween. 507 00:20:09,736 --> 00:20:11,815 - Uh, we are not going... - ♪ Hee-ya! ♪ 508 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,434 (cheering) 509 00:20:13,956 --> 00:20:15,423 ♪ Oh, sham on! ♪ 510 00:20:16,324 --> 00:20:19,993 - Don't encourage him. - Shamone! Oh! 511 00:20:20,479 --> 00:20:21,913 Close to your face! - No, don't. 512 00:20:22,015 --> 00:20:23,616 We're not doing that. 513 00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,566 Sham on! 514 00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:29,743 Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! 515 00:20:29,846 --> 00:20:31,601 (cheers and applause) Sham on! 516 00:20:31,669 --> 00:20:33,432 Ah! Ha! 517 00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:38,898 Close to your face! - No! All right. 518 00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:40,403 Look at him, he looks like... 519 00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:42,472 you look like Michael Jackson after he got burnt 520 00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:46,753 - Good night, everybody! 521 00:20:46,784 --> 00:20:48,569 (cheers and applause) (soul music) 522 00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:53,543 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 523 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,229 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 524 00:20:56,729 --> 00:20:58,552 Oh, yeah! 524 00:20:59,305 --> 00:21:05,919 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org