1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,810 (dramatic music) 2 00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:06,890 Okay, this is it. Any questions? 3 00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:14,130 Everybody knows what they're doing, right? 4 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,640 'cause we got one shot at this. 5 00:00:17,630 --> 00:00:20,540 There's no dumb questions, you guys. 6 00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:24,790 Did you have a question? No? 7 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:28,360 So all you guys know exactly what your job is. 8 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:32,110 Okay, so, on my count. 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,840 Three, two, one. 10 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,600 Go, go, go, go! 11 00:00:39,670 --> 00:00:41,610 Whoa! (giggling) 12 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,940 (making strange sounds) 13 00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:47,720 (grunting) 14 00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:48,920 Yah! 15 00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:50,530 Unbelievable. 16 00:00:50,890 --> 00:00:53,900 (soul music) 17 00:00:55,000 --> 00:01:01,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 18 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,900 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 19 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,470 (cheers and applause) 20 00:01:13,590 --> 00:01:17,000 Whoo! Hello! 21 00:01:17,430 --> 00:01:19,630 ♪ Hello ♪ 22 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,400 Thanks for coming out. I'm Keegan-Michael Key. 23 00:01:25,530 --> 00:01:27,190 - I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 24 00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:28,970 Welcome. (cheers and applause) 25 00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,760 Thank you so much. 26 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,300 So... 27 00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:36,500 - Sometimes I get the giggles. - You get the giggles? 28 00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:37,880 I get the giggles when we're doing this. 29 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,540 Brother, you were born with the giggles, man. 30 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:40,610 I came out of the womb... 31 00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:42,160 (giggles) giggling. 32 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,790 - Giggling. - It's hilarious in there! 33 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,300 The best laughter and the hardest to not laugh 34 00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:49,530 is when you're not supposed to laugh. 35 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,860 Right, exactly. That's like... 36 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,270 And you guys be just laughing just in church for no reason. 37 00:01:53,290 --> 00:01:54,690 Church is a deathtrap. (laughs) 38 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,290 Or the worst is when you're getting the giggles... 39 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,800 And the wor... is when the priest or the minister says this... 40 00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:03,370 "Because the Lord is inside of you." 41 00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,320 (giggling) 42 00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:06,820 He'll go, "why are you laughing?" 43 00:02:06,850 --> 00:02:08,670 - Don't laugh. Yeah. - I'm sorry. 44 00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:09,660 It's wor... it's the worst. 45 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:12,390 Are you... are you the type of guy who... you cry at a movie? 46 00:02:12,410 --> 00:02:15,080 - I cry buckets at movies. - At like... 47 00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:16,630 - At comedies I cry. - No, no... 48 00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:18,340 'cause I... (sobs) "I could've got that job." 49 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,160 So, your wife... (laughter) 50 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:23,380 So, you just cry out in the open if you're sitting next to your wife. 51 00:02:23,470 --> 00:02:26,900 Oh yeah... If I'm... if I... if a tear is about to come down my face, 52 00:02:26,930 --> 00:02:27,990 I'm at a sad movie, 53 00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:30,670 I'll just be using gravity on this mother-[bleep] to spill it out. 54 00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:32,110 (laughs) 55 00:02:33,590 --> 00:02:35,590 What? Sir, are you having a hard time hearing the film? 56 00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:37,570 No, I-I was looking 'cause you got a beautiful ceiling. 57 00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:39,140 - Oh, thank you very much. - Craftsmanship up there. 58 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,330 I appreciate it, yeah, yeah. 59 00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:41,710 I'm sorry, baby, hold on a second, baby, 60 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,190 Hold on a second, baby, I'm just looking at the ceiling. 61 00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:46,510 Carvell thanks you for coming. 62 00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:49,850 (sighs) First order of business, I'm sure you all heard 63 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,460 that Twigs got pulled out the river this morning. 64 00:02:52,470 --> 00:02:54,100 It ain't no secret 65 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,740 that he and Carvell grew up in the hood together. 66 00:02:56,770 --> 00:02:58,800 So listen up. 67 00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:01,750 'cause Carvell about to say some words. 68 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,180 (panting) 69 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,520 Okay, you know what? 70 00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:14,080 Don't none of you look at them tears 71 00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:15,870 and think that [bleep] is funny. 72 00:03:16,010 --> 00:03:20,180 Because it takes a big [bleep] man to cry in front of his crew. 73 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,640 Go ahead, Carvell. (sniffles) 74 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,840 Y'all know Twigs was my boy. 75 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:34,370 Back in the day, 76 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,660 we used to pretend the sofa cushions was a fort. 77 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,750 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. (takes breath) 78 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,650 And we used to pretend that the floor was molten lava. 79 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:44,780 Oh... 80 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,420 (panting) 81 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,140 Okay, you know what, though? 82 00:03:49,820 --> 00:03:53,190 There ain't nothing funny 'bout that. 83 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:55,130 Of course this man is crying. 84 00:03:55,190 --> 00:03:59,660 'cause he and Twigs was kids together. Okay? 85 00:03:59,730 --> 00:04:00,970 You know what I mean? 86 00:04:01,030 --> 00:04:02,770 They was best friends forever and [bleep]. 87 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,770 (sniffles) Go ahead, Carvell. 88 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,930 We used to play Care Bears. 89 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,800 Mmm-hmm. Hmm-hmm. 90 00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:18,110 Twigs and I would spend the good part of an afternoon 91 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:22,090 trying to figure out which C-C-Care Bear we was. 92 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,070 Oh, oh... (chuckling) 93 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,460 Oh... 94 00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:29,890 I wish one of y'all mother-[bleep] 95 00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:31,570 would just start laughing, 96 00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:34,910 'cause you all know you think this [bleep] is funny. 97 00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:38,940 Carvell over here, blubbering and talking 'bout Care Bears. 98 00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:41,680 But you know what? 99 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,290 But you... 100 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,030 (holding back sobs) (wheezes) 101 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,890 Those are manly tears! Okay? 102 00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,810 Those some manly-ass tears 103 00:04:57,870 --> 00:04:59,690 right there that you lookin' at! 104 00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:02,490 Go ahead, Carvell. 105 00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:05,430 And then... 106 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:09,100 And then... and then... and then... and... and... and... 107 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,720 (blubbering) (laughs) 108 00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:12,830 Mm, I'm sorry, man. 109 00:05:12,850 --> 00:05:14,960 That was a weird-ass sneeze I just did right there. 110 00:05:14,970 --> 00:05:15,660 God damn it. 111 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,380 Can a brother get some [bleep] claritin up in here? 112 00:05:23,630 --> 00:05:25,200 Go ahead, Carvell. 113 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:29,490 Twigs always fancied himself Share Bear. 114 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,480 Mm... (groaning laugh) 115 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:34,810 I always... 116 00:05:34,970 --> 00:05:37,510 I always thought... thought of myself 117 00:05:37,710 --> 00:05:39,600 thought of myself as more of a Funshine Bear. 118 00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:40,790 Mm... okay. 119 00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:44,620 Okay, all you [bleep] need to respect that right there! 120 00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:47,710 Okay? Y'all need to listen to Funshi... 121 00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:50,140 (laughs) 122 00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:53,870 (howling laughter) 123 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,980 I'm so... I'm sorry, man. 124 00:05:58,020 --> 00:06:00,390 You a Funshine Bear, man. I'm sorry, that... 125 00:06:00,870 --> 00:06:03,500 That is some funny [bleep]. (laughs) 126 00:06:05,410 --> 00:06:07,840 (gunshot) Whoa, whoa. 127 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,620 (heaves) 128 00:06:11,460 --> 00:06:13,460 All right. Let's go sell some crack. 129 00:06:19,570 --> 00:06:21,310 Jahari, my friend. 130 00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,680 There are a lot of beautiful women out here today. 131 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,760 (chuckles) Yeah. 132 00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:27,180 Karim, my friend, you speak the truth. 133 00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:29,750 Well, I do what I can. 134 00:06:29,810 --> 00:06:31,380 - Ooh. - Oh... 135 00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:32,270 - Wow. - Right? 136 00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:33,870 - Ha-ha. - Blip. 137 00:06:33,870 --> 00:06:35,570 Sha-bloimps. (laughs) 138 00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:38,020 You know, I caught a little glimpse of her foot nut. 139 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,350 (clicks tongue) You saw ankle bone? 140 00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:41,160 Well... 141 00:06:41,210 --> 00:06:43,340 Got some ankle cleavage, you dirty devil, huh? 142 00:06:43,390 --> 00:06:44,960 - You saw? - God, I saw. 143 00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:46,860 (both talking over each other) 144 00:06:50,570 --> 00:06:51,500 Very good, very good... 145 00:06:57,010 --> 00:06:58,710 Mm. 146 00:06:59,260 --> 00:07:01,060 - Hmm-hmm. - Oh... 147 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:02,830 Dude, did you see the bridge on that nose? 148 00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:05,120 I mean, if it is any indication... 149 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,830 - Wow. - Hhh-holy garbanzo beans. 150 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,630 I'll tell you what. That is a bridge I'd like to cross. 151 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,210 (both laugh) 152 00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:15,960 This is my boy. This is my boy. 153 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,400 (laughing) This is my boy. 154 00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:20,840 Oh. 155 00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:26,640 Hmm. 156 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,890 - Not a lot to go on there. - Not really. Not really. 157 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:32,310 - Good height. - Good height. 158 00:07:32,350 --> 00:07:33,570 - Good height. - Crazy tall. 159 00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:36,210 (growls) Yeah, like 5'9". 160 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:38,120 Heh... 161 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,550 Come on. Come on. Come on. (muttering) 162 00:07:42,230 --> 00:07:44,740 Come on. She's tall. She's tall. She's tall. 163 00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:46,840 That's right. She's tall. There's nothing to be done. 164 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,280 Getting wet. Let me see... 165 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:51,010 Let me see it from behind. Let me see it from behind. 166 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,980 That's how you hit it. That's how you hit it. 167 00:07:52,980 --> 00:07:54,960 Jahari, can I tell you something in confidence right now? 168 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,480 Okay. 169 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,370 (whispers) I'm a virgin. 170 00:07:58,550 --> 00:08:00,620 (soul music) 171 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:04,050 I went down to Georgia a couple years ago, 172 00:08:04,140 --> 00:08:05,940 and I was just... oh... (laughs) 173 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,250 It's not funny, it's just... (laughter) 174 00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:09,960 - That's... - just... just a fact. 175 00:08:10,010 --> 00:08:12,310 It's just what happened. 176 00:08:12,370 --> 00:08:13,670 Trying to get to the funny part. 177 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:14,960 She's... (laughs) 178 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,230 White people come up to you. "Hey. 179 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,930 "So, you like Darius, huh? You like Darius?" 180 00:08:22,310 --> 00:08:24,200 "What the [bleep]? Darius? What are you talking to me..." 181 00:08:24,220 --> 00:08:26,350 - "You like Darius?" - Darius Rucker? 182 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,770 "Hootie, man. Hootie. 183 00:08:27,780 --> 00:08:28,820 Hootie, man. Don't you love Hootie? 184 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,000 He's huge down there. 185 00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:31,830 He's enormous. As a country star. 186 00:08:31,850 --> 00:08:33,020 Darius Rucker. Huge down there. 187 00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:34,850 There's only like three ever. Charley Pride, 188 00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,450 Darius Rucker... 189 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,810 There's only two. 190 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:39,980 There's two of 'em. (laughter) 191 00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:45,080 Ladies and gentlemen, Darius Rucker. 192 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,490 (cheers and applause) 193 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,010 (whistling) 194 00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,970 (playing guitar) 195 00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:01,290 ♪ Don't go out with my friends no more ♪ 196 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,300 ♪ Don't wanna hold your hand no more ♪ 197 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,810 Hootie, Hootie... 198 00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:07,170 (crowd chanting) Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... 199 00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:08,380 ♪ And I don't wanna be with you ♪ 200 00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:11,150 Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... 201 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,350 - No, no. - Hootie, Hootie... 202 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:14,970 No, no, no, no. 203 00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:18,000 I'm not in Hootie and the Blowfish anymore, y'all. 204 00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:19,580 Doing my own thing. 205 00:09:19,670 --> 00:09:21,590 What do you mean "in Hootie"? 206 00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,460 Because you are Hootie, man! 207 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,510 - Come on, everybody! - Hootie, Hootie... 208 00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:29,190 - Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... - No, no... 209 00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:31,630 No, no, no, all right, now... now... now stop it, stop it. 210 00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:36,000 I'm not Hootie. I'm Darius Rucker. All right? 211 00:09:36,430 --> 00:09:37,810 I used to be the front man 212 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:40,230 for a band called Hootie & the Blowfish. 213 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,280 All right, but I was never Hootie. 214 00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:44,250 There was never a Hootie. 215 00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:45,840 Just... if I may... if I may ask, 216 00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:47,750 where are the Blowfish at, right, guys? 217 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,260 Come on, everybody! Blowfish! 218 00:09:50,330 --> 00:09:52,060 (chanting) Blowfish, Blowfish, Blowfish... 219 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,830 No, no, no! The... 220 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,130 There are no people known as "the Blowfish," y'all. 221 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,560 Okay? 222 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,550 The whole band was just called Hootie & the Blowfish. That's it. 223 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,330 It was a nonsense name. 224 00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:06,200 Like Hoobastank. Or Toad the Wet Sprocket. 225 00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:07,520 Oh. 226 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,020 (plays guitar) 227 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,340 ♪ Don't go out with my friends no more ♪ 228 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,140 ♪ Don't wanna hold your hand no more ♪ 229 00:10:21,010 --> 00:10:22,040 Oh! Oh! 230 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,690 What? What is it, man? 231 00:10:23,730 --> 00:10:25,630 I see. I get it now. I understand. 232 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,510 Hey, we gotta pick, y'all! 233 00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:29,250 - We gotta choose between... - No, no... 234 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,290 Hootie or the Blowfish! 235 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,320 So, who wants to see the Blowfish? 236 00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:37,060 (crowd cheers) 237 00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,160 There's no Blowfish. 238 00:10:41,020 --> 00:10:42,710 And who wants to see Hootie? 239 00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:49,640 Hey. 240 00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:52,470 Hey, that... that hurts my feelings, y'all. 241 00:10:52,510 --> 00:10:53,980 Yeah, but you said you weren't Hootie. 242 00:10:54,050 --> 00:10:55,820 No, I'm not, sir. 243 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,390 But in the question you just asked the audience, 244 00:10:58,410 --> 00:10:59,640 I-I was clearly Hootie. 245 00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:01,760 - So you are Hootie! - I'm not, though. 246 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,650 He is Hootie! Yeah! 247 00:11:03,650 --> 00:11:04,550 No... (crowd cheers) 248 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,000 Hootie, Hootie... 249 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,890 (chanting) Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, 250 00:11:10,910 --> 00:11:12,730 Hootie, Hootie, 251 00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:16,690 Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, 252 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:21,080 Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... (crowd cheering) 253 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,030 Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... 254 00:11:24,090 --> 00:11:26,640 (sobbing) I'm Hootie! 255 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,970 I'm Hootie! Aah! 256 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:35,230 (bell rings) 257 00:11:35,890 --> 00:11:38,760 (students chattering) 258 00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:40,760 (chatter fades) 259 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,350 I... 260 00:12:00,650 --> 00:12:02,160 am your substitute... 261 00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:07,190 Mr. Nostrand. 262 00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:11,660 But that might as well say, "No nonsense," 263 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,480 because I... 264 00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:16,400 do not... play. 265 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,440 Now, today will not be a day off. 266 00:12:21,270 --> 00:12:24,360 In fact, today, you will work harder than... 267 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,600 (farts) 268 00:12:26,670 --> 00:12:27,760 (farts quietly) 269 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,470 (laughing) 270 00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:42,260 Somebody call a Code Brown up in here. 271 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,210 See you later, Mr. Pootstrand! 272 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,840 (soul music) 273 00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:52,030 Jordan and I love action movies. 274 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,860 We love, you know, movies where people are trying to... 275 00:12:53,870 --> 00:12:55,210 you know, smuggle contra... 276 00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:56,890 Like, Breaking Bad's like our favorite show. 277 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,680 Mm-hmm. Yeah. (cheers and applause) 278 00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:01,760 Also like The Wire and New Jack City. 279 00:13:01,805 --> 00:13:03,175 Yeah, like that kind of stuff. 280 00:13:03,195 --> 00:13:04,692 - And anything that like... - It intrigues us, yeah. 281 00:13:04,745 --> 00:13:07,201 Yeah, portrays African-Americans as criminals. 282 00:13:07,231 --> 00:13:08,049 In the worst possible light. 283 00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:09,054 We just... 284 00:13:09,095 --> 00:13:11,965 - We love that. We love that. - So, shame on us. 285 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,060 But something that always cracks me up. 286 00:13:14,105 --> 00:13:17,005 I love when you see cops and DEA agents when they bust... 287 00:13:17,025 --> 00:13:18,715 You know, they bust a whole bunch of cocaine. 288 00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:19,849 - Oh, yeah. - And I lo... 289 00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:21,806 This is my favorite thing. It's like, "Give it here." 290 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:22,517 (sniffs) 291 00:13:22,575 --> 00:13:23,536 Like, come on. 292 00:13:23,540 --> 00:13:26,240 "That's 100% pure." (laughter) 293 00:13:26,510 --> 00:13:28,840 I want to become a cop just so I can go to that class. 294 00:13:28,885 --> 00:13:30,415 I just want to go to that class 295 00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:32,195 where the cop's just supposed to go... 296 00:13:32,235 --> 00:13:33,635 - "Get in there..." (grumbling) - Yeah. 297 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,462 "I don't know if it's pure. Hold on." (sniffs) 298 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,901 "Let me just crack that up in there. 299 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,350 "Make sure that... 300 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,948 "I'm not sure yet if it's pure. Hold on a second. 301 00:13:42,676 --> 00:13:45,273 'This could be only 80% pure. Aah..." 302 00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:49,573 (dramatic music) 303 00:13:49,643 --> 00:13:52,024 ♪ 304 00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:10,814 Eight kilos. 100%. 305 00:14:10,926 --> 00:14:13,866 Pure grade afghani heroin. 306 00:14:18,867 --> 00:14:20,586 (sniffs) 307 00:14:21,548 --> 00:14:22,900 (squeaky sniff) 308 00:14:29,121 --> 00:14:31,651 $100,000 U.S. dollars. 309 00:14:34,885 --> 00:14:36,255 Hold up. 310 00:14:36,325 --> 00:14:38,303 We should count it first. 311 00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:39,341 Mm. Mm-hmm. 312 00:14:42,322 --> 00:14:43,898 Be my guest. 313 00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:00,288 You know, we gonna do a straight count on this right now. 314 00:15:00,342 --> 00:15:01,830 - Count it... count it? - Yeah. Just... 315 00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:02,934 - Good idea. - Mm-hmm. 316 00:15:03,004 --> 00:15:03,934 Should probably do it fast 317 00:15:03,943 --> 00:15:05,840 so we don't make our friends here wait. 318 00:15:05,866 --> 00:15:07,271 Mm-hmm. Okay. (clears throat) 319 00:15:07,746 --> 00:15:11,628 20, 40, 60, 80, 320 00:15:12,238 --> 00:15:16,087 100, 20, 40, 60, 321 00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:17,887 80, 200... 322 00:15:18,044 --> 00:15:19,884 Hey, you know what? I'm fast. Let me just do it. 323 00:15:19,889 --> 00:15:21,289 - You want... okay. - I'll take care of that. 324 00:15:21,349 --> 00:15:22,793 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... 325 00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:24,800 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... 326 00:15:24,838 --> 00:15:26,408 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... 327 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:27,838 Hey, why... why are you doin' piles of nine? 328 00:15:27,908 --> 00:15:29,408 - It's faster than 10s. - Oh, really? 329 00:15:29,478 --> 00:15:32,808 I do my nines 10 times, and then I do an extra pile of 10. 330 00:15:32,813 --> 00:15:34,843 Fast. Okay. Yeah, yeah. 331 00:15:34,913 --> 00:15:36,480 You know, we... we should probably both be counting. 332 00:15:36,512 --> 00:15:37,972 Oh, well, let's get to it. 333 00:15:37,977 --> 00:15:39,747 That's dou... double trouble. All right. 334 00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:41,945 - And, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... - 20, 40, 60... 335 00:15:41,959 --> 00:15:44,063 - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... - 80, 100, 20, 40, 336 00:15:44,063 --> 00:15:46,263 1, 2, 3, 4... Wait. 337 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,420 Okay, I'm sorry, can you... could you ple... 338 00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:48,974 Could you do something like over there? 339 00:15:48,974 --> 00:15:50,583 - Yup. I'm gonna take. - Please, it's a little distracting. 340 00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:51,730 - Oh, you know what? - What's that? 341 00:15:51,897 --> 00:15:53,027 I got it. We could time me. 342 00:15:53,029 --> 00:15:53,681 (gasps) Okay. 343 00:15:53,682 --> 00:15:56,020 Okay, we time me counting out 1,000. 344 00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:57,245 We take that time, and then 345 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,191 we just count money for that time times 100. 346 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,230 No! I g... I got it. This is it right here. 347 00:16:05,524 --> 00:16:09,164 I'm gonna do a web search for a picture of $100,000. 348 00:16:09,274 --> 00:16:10,098 - Okay? - Okay. 349 00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:12,194 Then, you know, we'll know what it's supposed to look like 350 00:16:12,194 --> 00:16:13,828 and then we can arrange our money 351 00:16:13,895 --> 00:16:15,195 to look exactly like it. 352 00:16:15,465 --> 00:16:17,565 And see... here. Hey. Here we go. Right here, look. 353 00:16:18,138 --> 00:16:19,404 I mean, damn, that looks... 354 00:16:19,425 --> 00:16:21,155 That looks just like... a lot like our money. 355 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,205 I think we got $100,000 here, folks. 356 00:16:23,318 --> 00:16:25,036 - I think we made it. - No, that is our money. 357 00:16:25,147 --> 00:16:27,247 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, do... Earlier... 358 00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:27,824 Yeah. 359 00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:30,173 When we were counting, I took a picture of our money 360 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:31,834 so I could upload it on Yahoo! Answers. 361 00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:33,025 - Oh, damn. - That's right. 362 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,465 'cause I just wanted to see if anyone could verify 363 00:16:34,489 --> 00:16:35,959 - what $100,000 looked like. - [bleep]! 364 00:16:36,004 --> 00:16:37,174 - Oh, you got it. - What was I thinking? 365 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,404 - You got it. - I got it, man. 366 00:16:38,404 --> 00:16:39,474 - Go, go, go, go. - I got it, I got it. 367 00:16:39,811 --> 00:16:41,220 What the hell are you doing, man? 368 00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:43,090 I th... you know, I was gonna try to Rain Man it. 369 00:16:43,319 --> 00:16:44,889 - Oh, that's a plan right there. - That's right. 370 00:16:44,889 --> 00:16:46,711 - Okay, yeah, here we go. - We can do that. 371 00:16:46,868 --> 00:16:48,159 Okay. 372 00:16:54,574 --> 00:16:56,444 Yup, yup. I got that. I got that. 373 00:16:56,479 --> 00:16:58,349 20, 40, 60... 374 00:17:00,945 --> 00:17:02,933 99,980. 375 00:17:04,684 --> 00:17:07,684 (dramatic music) 376 00:17:07,704 --> 00:17:09,140 ♪ 377 00:17:10,684 --> 00:17:11,654 (gunfire) 378 00:17:12,173 --> 00:17:14,373 (groaning) 379 00:17:17,597 --> 00:17:19,309 (panting) 380 00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,570 (soul music) 381 00:17:30,830 --> 00:17:33,974 You guys ever hear... You guys know the old standard, 382 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,427 Uh, "It's Co..." is it called, "It's Cold Outside?" 383 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,660 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside." - "Baby, It's Cold Outside." 384 00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:39,182 You know this old standard? Right, yeah. 385 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,791 (scattered applause) '30s and '40s. 386 00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:42,036 And so many people have covered it. 387 00:17:42,070 --> 00:17:43,726 It was written in like 1939 or something like that. 388 00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:47,468 It's funny, when you listen to the lyrics of the song, uh... 389 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:48,959 It's kinda rapey. 390 00:17:49,010 --> 00:17:50,235 - It's a little rapey. - It's a little rapey. 391 00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:52,330 It's like... (laughter) 392 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:53,640 It's true. 393 00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:55,541 She said she wanted to leave... 394 00:17:56,770 --> 00:17:58,310 You told her it was cold outside. 395 00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:01,655 It's winter. She's very aware of the fact that it's cold outside. 396 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,650 She's not stup... you know what I'm saying? 397 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,113 - Yeah. - "No" means no. Right? 398 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,124 - Oh, yeah. - You know? 399 00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:08,180 And this was... I got... I got creeped out... 400 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,031 'cause I dr... I... In this scene you're about to watch, 401 00:18:10,070 --> 00:18:11,095 I dressed up like a woman. 402 00:18:11,328 --> 00:18:13,598 Lot of brothers like, "Man, he dress up like a woman a lot." 403 00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:15,787 (laughter) I'm just... 404 00:18:15,819 --> 00:18:18,189 just in touch with my feminine side. 405 00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:20,770 (laughs) Whoo! Thank you, girls. 406 00:18:20,779 --> 00:18:21,261 Yes. 407 00:18:21,261 --> 00:18:23,291 But no, this one was confusing for me because I was... 408 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,470 I... fir... I'm hot. I'm hot. 409 00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:26,424 And so it's creepy. 410 00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:27,630 You don't want to look in the mirror 411 00:18:27,661 --> 00:18:29,679 and be attracted to yourself. Be like the... (laughter) 412 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,146 dude from Silence of the Lambs. "I'd [bleep] me." 413 00:18:33,163 --> 00:18:34,633 You don't want that. (laughter) 414 00:18:34,703 --> 00:18:35,773 Ah! 415 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:41,124 (orchestral note) 416 00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:46,280 (jazzy standard music) 417 00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,418 ♪ Would you look at the time? ♪ 418 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,576 ♪ You should just stay here tonight ♪ 419 00:18:50,576 --> 00:18:52,399 ♪ I've had too much wine ♪ 420 00:18:52,413 --> 00:18:54,173 ♪ You will leave at first light ♪ 421 00:18:54,546 --> 00:18:56,486 ♪ It isn't that far ♪ 422 00:18:56,486 --> 00:18:57,795 ♪ Baby, just stay where you are ♪ 423 00:18:57,868 --> 00:18:59,378 ♪ Back to my place ♪ 424 00:18:59,407 --> 00:19:02,207 ♪ You can't escape from my embrace ♪ 425 00:19:02,665 --> 00:19:05,132 ♪ I really had a very nice time ♪ 426 00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:07,260 ♪ Let me just refill that wine ♪ 427 00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:09,460 ♪ But I really need to just say good-bye ♪ 428 00:19:09,530 --> 00:19:11,230 ♪ I would love to see you try ♪ 429 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:12,722 ♪ Please unlock this door ♪ 430 00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,766 ♪ it's locked from the outside ♪ 431 00:19:14,806 --> 00:19:18,064 - ♪ Babe, you're mine tonight ♪ - ♪ I cannot stay tonight ♪ 432 00:19:18,776 --> 00:19:20,436 ♪ Look, I really have to go ♪ 433 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,446 ♪ No, you really have to stay ♪ 434 00:19:22,456 --> 00:19:24,256 ♪ Hey, "no" means no ♪ 435 00:19:24,285 --> 00:19:26,555 ♪ That is what they all say ♪ 436 00:19:26,555 --> 00:19:28,213 ♪ You're hurting my arm ♪ 437 00:19:28,213 --> 00:19:29,943 ♪ I won't cause you any harm ♪ 438 00:19:29,983 --> 00:19:31,543 ♪ Let go of me ♪ 439 00:19:31,582 --> 00:19:34,222 ♪ We can make this hard or just easy ♪ 440 00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:37,487 ♪ A woman always comes prepared ♪ 441 00:19:37,496 --> 00:19:38,796 ♪ Ooh, I'm really scared ♪ 442 00:19:38,805 --> 00:19:40,735 ♪ I said this is not what I want ♪ 443 00:19:40,775 --> 00:19:42,475 ♪ Why you have to be such a... ♪ 444 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,474 ♪ I know self-defense ♪ 445 00:19:44,514 --> 00:19:46,454 ♪ I dare you to try it ♪ 446 00:19:46,575 --> 00:19:48,675 ♪ I don't want to fight ♪ 447 00:19:48,745 --> 00:19:52,157 ♪ Bitch, you are mine tonight ♪ 448 00:20:06,886 --> 00:20:09,038 ♪ Please, just please go away ♪ 449 00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:11,347 ♪ I thought that you wanted me to stay ♪ 450 00:20:11,347 --> 00:20:13,217 ♪ Well... well, I just changed my mind ♪ 451 00:20:13,257 --> 00:20:15,587 ♪ Think I'll just stay and unwind ♪ 452 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,866 ♪ How did this all switch? ♪ 453 00:20:17,875 --> 00:20:20,645 ♪ Now you are... ♪ 454 00:20:20,675 --> 00:20:22,545 ♪ my... ♪ 455 00:20:22,858 --> 00:20:23,988 ♪ bitch ♪ 456 00:20:24,219 --> 00:20:26,219 ♪ Please just be kind tonight! ♪ 457 00:20:26,219 --> 00:20:28,735 ♪ Now you're mine... ♪ 458 00:20:28,746 --> 00:20:30,776 ♪ to... ♪ 459 00:20:30,846 --> 00:20:33,843 ♪ night ♪ 460 00:20:36,257 --> 00:20:38,257 (cheers and applauses) 461 00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:45,790 (both talking over each other) 462 00:20:48,659 --> 00:20:50,659 - Good night! - Good night! 463 00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:54,350 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 464 00:20:54,439 --> 00:20:57,195 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 465 00:20:58,063 --> 00:20:59,398 Oh, yeah! 465 00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:06,674 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org