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[Ominous music]
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♪
♪
Ripped By mstoll
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[door opens]
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- Come on, kids.
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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[Upbeat music]
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♪ ♪
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[soul music]
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♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause]
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- Whoa!
Hey.
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[Cheers and applause]
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Hello.
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Good to see ya.
Good to see ya.
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- Thank you.
Wow.
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- Oh, my goodness.
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- Okay.
- Thank you so much. Oh!
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Whoa!
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- Wow.
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- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
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- I am Jordan Peele.
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- And we are Key and Peele.
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Thanks for coming out.
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[Cheers and applause]
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Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yes, glad to be back.
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- It's the beginning
of the third season,
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and we're happy to be back.
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Thank you very much.
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A lot has happened...
- Yes.
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- Over the year
that we've been gone.
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- We had to respond
to some of the things
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that are happening out there.
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I think... You know, race
is really polarizing...
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- Yes, it is.
- In this country.
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And we, you know...
We visit race ourselves
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a couple of times,
you know, here and there.
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- And sometimes what we'll do
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is we find ourselves
encountering
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older African-American fans.
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And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.
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If you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele,
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this is what usually happens:
[Shrieks]
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- You just love it.
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- But if you are...
If you're 62 years old
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and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,
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it's like, "All right."
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Hey. Hey.
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This gentleman...
- It's him right there.
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- "Hey, man.
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"I'm enjoying the program,
young man.
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Tread lightly."
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- "Tread lightly."
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The older you are,
the more you have to say to us.
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It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.
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- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
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Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
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- Good to see you, man.
All right.
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- I'm surprised you watch.
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- Hey, keep doing
what you're doing, though.
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- Will do.
All right, man.
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- Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.
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- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
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Keep your thang up. Okay?
- You got it.
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- But just remember,
you ain't on thin ice,
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brother, but you're on ice.
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- All right.
- Okay.
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Just make sure
you keep it going.
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- I got you.
- All right.
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'Cause, you know,
we got an opportunity.
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- All right.
- Lots of people.
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- You're still talking to me?
- You're standing
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on the shoulders
of a lot of people.
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- We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.
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- All right.
- Whatever you do, man,
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make sure
you're staying responsible.
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- It's not...
- I ain't trying
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to shut you down.
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- It's not even...
- I want you to have
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your creative freedom.
- Oh!
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[Cheers and applause]
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That's good.
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- We, um... We wanted
to take this opportunity
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to apologize,
just to everybody named Aaron.
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- Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,
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and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A-Aron,"
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kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.
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[School bell rings]
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- All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.
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Jay-Kwelin.
- Here.
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- You are present?
Ba-Lakay.
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- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
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De-Nice.
- Here.
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- Good.
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Je-Seeka.
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Thank you.
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- Mr. Garvey?
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- What is it, A-Aron?
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- Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.
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- Oh.
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00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,390
Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
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- And what, pray tell...
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is the reason
for this premature exodus?
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- Yearbook photos.
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Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early
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to meet up with our clubs.
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- [Chuckles]
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All right, you know what?
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That might work
with other substitute teachers,
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but I taught
in the inner city
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for over 20 years.
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Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early,
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so y'all can go meet up
at the club.
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Ain't none of y'all
old enough
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to go to the damn club!
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Ridiculous.
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- Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!
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Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?
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- Just then, yes.
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- I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window!
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What, Jay-Kwelin?
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- Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.
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We... We have clubs
at the school.
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We have clubs
for special interests.
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- Okay, I see.
So y'all wanna play.
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Y'all wanna play.
126
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Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.
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Fine. I'll play.
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I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.
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Anyone who's in a club,
stand your ass up.
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Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.
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The usual suspects.
132
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:50,015
What the hell club
are you in, Jay-Kwelin?
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- Future leaders
of America.
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- Okay, okay.
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How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader
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in the future?
137
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Is there a stargate
in your bedroom?
138
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:05,495
Can you travel through time,
Jay-Kwelin?
139
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,556
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
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Ba-Lakay, l...
Here's the thing.
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00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,894
I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.
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Ba-Lakay,
what club are you in?
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00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:16,566
- I'm part of the Spanish club.
144
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:19,009
- Span... The Sp...
You about as Spanish
145
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,512
as Ree-On Seacrest,
146
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:24,539
with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!
147
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:25,881
How about you, De-Nice?
148
00:06:25,918 --> 00:06:28,682
- I'm in the chess club.
149
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,586
- Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
150
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,717
you are not
in the chest club.
151
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,058
The mosquito bite club,
maybe.
152
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:39,189
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
153
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,063
There he is.
154
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,898
A-Aron...
- Hey.
155
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:46,598
- What club are you in?
156
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:48,607
- I'm the president
of the glee club.
157
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:49,869
Why did I talk?
158
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,434
- The glee club?
Aah!
159
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,742
Like they gonna have
a club
160
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,648
dedicated to a TV show!
161
00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:00,243
Take your ass
to O-Shag-Hennessey's office
162
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:02,948
right now,
before I bust a club
163
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:04,752
up in your butt!
- Okay.
164
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,884
- Go!
- [Crying] Okay, I'm gonna go.
165
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,224
- Mischievous and deceitful!
166
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,288
Chicanerous and deplorable.
167
00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:13,559
- This is
Principal O'Shaughnessy.
168
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,567
Students, please report
to the gymnasium
169
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,569
for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
170
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:21,562
Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason
171
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:24,007
for leaving this classroom?
T-Mothy.
172
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:25,101
- I gotta go pick up
my daughter.
173
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- You're excused.
174
00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:29,180
[Soul music]
175
00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:31,115
- Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?
176
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,141
Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rap
177
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,983
every day in the month
of February, y'all.
178
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,648
Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!
179
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,589
All: Roo!
- That's right, that's right,
180
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,455
that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
181
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,154
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happening?
182
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,755
This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...
183
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,492
backhand his ass
off the mic!
184
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,829
- That's right, that's right,
that's right.
185
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:49,459
And on my right,
we got the challenger.
186
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,799
Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?
187
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,361
I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.
188
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:55,135
100 USD A pure meat.
No filler right here, dog.
189
00:07:55,174 --> 00:07:57,039
- Hoo! Hoo! [barks]
- Okay, okay, okay.
190
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:58,839
Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.
191
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:00,277
Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!
192
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,178
- ♪ All right, yeah,
man, here I go ♪
193
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,614
♪ You're shook, son,
I'ma eat you for breakfast ♪
194
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,514
♪ 'Cause I'm a cook, son ♪
195
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,781
♪ I stole a cop-a-feel
from your girl's breasteses ♪
196
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,617
[overlapping shouting]
- [High-pitched growling]
197
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,146
- Ow.
Hit me in the nipple, man.
198
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:13,886
- [Growling]
199
00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:15,359
- You don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
200
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:17,828
You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,
201
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:19,195
but let me ask you
a question.
202
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,462
What do they call that,
a mustache?
203
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,662
[Overlapping shouting]
204
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:24,692
- [Growling]
205
00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:25,704
- See what I'm saying?
206
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:27,399
- Aah!
207
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,067
Aah!
- Okay, all right, see...
208
00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:31,406
Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.
209
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,877
- [Growling]
210
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,470
- I need you to take it down
a little bit.
211
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,482
- Ahh!
- What the fuck are you doing?
212
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,485
I'm telling you, take... Can you
take it down a little bit, man?
213
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,918
- [Growls quieter]
214
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:43,183
- Come on, what are you,
a horse?
215
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:47,022
- Aah!
- That's the last one.
216
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:48,526
♪ Yo, what's up, dog?
You know my shit is rich ♪
217
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:50,392
♪ I'm swimming in simoleons,
I mean ♪
218
00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:52,522
♪ What am I supposed to do with
this miniature black Napoleon? ♪
219
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:54,362
- [growling]
220
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,267
- All right.
Yo! Hey, man.
221
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:59,396
Hey, dog, get your...
Hey, hey!
222
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,702
I don't want no problems.
I don't want no problems, man.
223
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,003
Hey, hey, get your...
224
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,942
- [growling]
- I'm sorry, man.
225
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,376
Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.
226
00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:08,744
Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
227
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:09,839
Go get it now, go get it.
That's a boy. Oh.
228
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,713
Yeah, man, here we go.
229
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,776
♪ Yeah, man, look at that chain
and these fake-ass Timberlands ♪
230
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:16,287
- [growling]
[Overlapping shouting]
231
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:18,415
- I'm sorry. You okay?
- I'm okay.
232
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:20,357
- You all right?
I'm sorry, man. I apologize.
233
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,917
- Yo, man.
What's wrong with him?
234
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,394
- Hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, hey!
235
00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:26,398
- [Growling]
236
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:29,299
- I don't know what to...
Why are you doing me?
237
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,632
- Aah!
- Why would you... No, listen.
238
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,901
- Aah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.
239
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:37,376
- Aah!
- [Shushing]
240
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,570
- All right,
you guys gotta go, man.
241
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:40,078
- No, come on, no, man.
- No, man.
242
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:42,580
No, you're all done, man.
- Aah!
243
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:44,082
- That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
244
00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:45,242
We got a champion still
right here.
245
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:46,911
- Yeah, what's happening?
246
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:48,750
Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about.
247
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,415
- [Growling]
- Just give me the hat!
248
00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:52,117
Levi! Levi!
249
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,420
No, you're hitting people!
250
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:55,484
Give me the fucking hat!
251
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,495
[Gentle music]
252
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,554
- [Sustained gibberish]
253
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,725
- Listen. Hey, hey.
Listen... Listen, man.
254
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,927
I want you to look out
on the lake, man.
255
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,597
I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,
256
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:06,662
where you can do
your thing, man.
257
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,173
- Ohh.
258
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:09,606
- Where you and I could go
and do our thing
259
00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:12,440
but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.
260
00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:14,139
- You could scream and shout
and shove people
261
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,148
back and forth,
but we don't never have to quit.
262
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,774
- Yeah!
- But look out on the lake, man.
263
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,842
Look out on the lake.
- Ahh.
264
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,978
- No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.
265
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,249
- Ha!
266
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,654
- And my rhymes,
they start to flow.
267
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,521
And I'm turning the tide.
268
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,618
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove
269
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,788
and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.
270
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,525
- La la la!
271
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,032
Ah ha ha ha!
272
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:37,467
Yeah, yeah, ooh!
Ha-ha!
273
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,368
- Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,
274
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:41,464
just give me
one more good "aah."
275
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:42,633
- Aah...
276
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,905
[gunshot]
277
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:51,649
- You know what'd be great,
is if there were
278
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:53,709
other occupations
that had hype men in them.
279
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:54,981
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?
280
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:56,716
Like if a lawyer had
a hype man,
281
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:57,984
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...
282
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,184
- That would really
spice up
283
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,988
the proceedings
in a courtroom.
284
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:04,895
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!
285
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,330
Oh, he objects!
286
00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:10,199
He objects!
287
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,535
- Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...
288
00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:15,506
- Oh ho ho!
289
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:18,533
This shit is argumentative!
290
00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:22,035
[Laughter]
291
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,413
- This next sketch
is definitely going to get...
292
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,680
If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble right now.
293
00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,516
There's only one way to say it.
- Yes, let me just throw it out.
294
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:32,081
- So we recommend
that you either leave the room,
295
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:33,352
turn off the TV...
296
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,019
- Or play it coo...
Play it cool.
297
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,552
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
298
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:38,722
- No, you're gonna want
to watch it
299
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,061
and maybe... maybe get...
300
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:41,999
somehow get your lady
out of the room.
301
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,695
- No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...
302
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:46,364
- If you have one laying around.
- Of a significant...
303
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:50,068
of a significant carat.
- Yeah. Oh, yes.
304
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,269
- And just chuck it
out a window...
305
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,572
- Just throw it.
306
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:54,169
- As far as you think
you need to.
307
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,374
- And she'll go,
"What the... What you doing?"
308
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,353
Hey, girl, I'm home.
309
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,787
- Hey, boo.
How you doing?
310
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:06,121
- Good.
- How was work?
311
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:07,523
- Sucked.
312
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,028
- Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?
313
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,461
- Yeah, sure.
What up?
314
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,897
- I've just been noticing
that every time
315
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:16,629
I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,
316
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:19,467
the browser history's
been cleared.
317
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:22,269
- Hmm. That's weird.
318
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,570
- Yesterday,
I went food shopping
319
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:25,133
for, like, 15 minutes.
320
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:26,906
I used the computer
before I went to the store,
321
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:29,414
and when I came back,
my history was gone,
322
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,110
the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.
323
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,915
- Hmm.
324
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:37,252
[Suspenseful music]
325
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:40,122
Well, I think sometimes
the computer runs
326
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,922
an automatic software update,
327
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:44,759
so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.
328
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:47,129
- Yeah, except when you update
the software,
329
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,293
a little window pops up,
and you click "okay,"
330
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:53,101
and then it gets installed,
so...
331
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:56,267
- Hmm.
332
00:12:56,308 --> 00:12:58,003
I don't know,
maybe there's something wrong
333
00:12:58,043 --> 00:12:59,567
with the computer,
you know?
334
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,170
And it's just
one of those things,
335
00:13:01,213 --> 00:13:03,010
whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,
336
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:07,815
it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.
337
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:11,289
- Be honest, babe.
It's porn, right?
338
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,016
- Porn?
339
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,186
What's...
Oh, pornography?
340
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:17,525
No.
341
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,155
- It's okay
if you look at porn.
342
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:21,462
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
343
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:22,967
I'm perfectly okay
with that,
344
00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:26,301
as long as it's not
that weird stuff.
345
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:29,102
Oh... all right.
346
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,699
Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.
347
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,438
I like kinky.
348
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,504
As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
349
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:41,714
Wow. Um...
350
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,779
Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.
351
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,484
It is your fantasy.
352
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:49,358
Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...
353
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,022
Not women?
354
00:13:51,063 --> 00:13:53,497
Wow! Okay.
355
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:56,399
Men? Chicks with dicks?
356
00:13:56,435 --> 00:14:00,872
Horses?
Worse than horses?
357
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,339
Wow.
358
00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:04,899
- Baby, give me
a little credit.
359
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:06,741
None of that matters.
360
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:08,406
The only thing that matters
is that when we're doing it,
361
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:10,506
I'm thinking about you...
362
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:13,040
and you're thinking
about me, right?
363
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:16,521
Right, baby?
364
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:19,547
[Suspenseful music]
365
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,424
[Soul music]
366
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:28,194
- You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...
367
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:29,929
The film musical
Les Mls, right?
368
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:32,563
People have seen that?
- It came out kind of recently.
369
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,937
We just know that
so many girlfriends
370
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:36,942
got their guy to see it
by just being like,
371
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:42,209
hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.
372
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:44,375
- Wha... No. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
373
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:46,111
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mls.
374
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,016
- Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.
375
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,284
That's your boy.
He in there.
376
00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:52,881
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there, though.
377
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,449
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
378
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:57,053
- Who else in it?
- Gladiator.
379
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,688
- Hell no.
- Yes.
380
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,130
That's your boy.
381
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:02,190
Maximus is in the movie.
382
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,462
- You ain't trying
to trick me?
383
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:05,231
- I ain't trying
to trick you.
384
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,296
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
385
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,799
- Ah, man, she's just... He's
like, oh, man, come on. What?
386
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,744
That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
387
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,269
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
388
00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:17,111
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
389
00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:18,810
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
390
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,375
That's your man.
That's your dog.
391
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,250
And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.
392
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:23,778
- Catwoman?
- That's for you.
393
00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:25,653
I did this for you.
- Oh, wait a minute.
394
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:28,888
- I come to the movies
for you.
395
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,089
[Laughter and applause]
396
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:38,166
[Bell tolling]
397
00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:44,342
- ♪ One at a time ♪
398
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:46,970
♪ I put men like you ♪
399
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:51,574
♪ Behind bars every day ♪
400
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,983
♪ One at a time ♪
401
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:59,082
- ♪ Legateaux,
you may take my years ♪
402
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:00,614
♪ But cannot lock ♪
403
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:05,255
♪ My soul away ♪
404
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,958
♪ All the years
I had to run ♪
405
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,125
- ♪ I've chased you
through the years ♪
406
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,930
- ♪ So long ago it all began ♪
407
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,527
- ♪ Now your journey's
at an end ♪
408
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,094
- ♪ In the shadows
on my shame ♪
409
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,264
- ♪ You will pay
for what you've done ♪
410
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,773
- ♪ But was I ever to blame? ♪
411
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,207
- ♪ Death will be
your only friend ♪
412
00:16:17,242 --> 00:16:18,641
- ♪ Do I let
this fight end now? ♪
413
00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:19,974
- ♪ Do not interrupt me ♪
414
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:21,479
- ♪ Just to end
this life of pain ♪
415
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:22,810
- ♪ Let me finish
what I need to say ♪
416
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,372
- ♪ Will the end
be welcome now? ♪
417
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:25,781
- ♪ Fine, I'll let you
finish first ♪
418
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,308
- ♪ Will my journey
be in vain? ♪
419
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:28,650
- ♪ Don't let me
get in your way ♪
420
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:30,450
- ♪ I only stole
a loaf of bread ♪
421
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,218
- ♪ Are you finished now? ♪
- ♪ All I needed ♪
422
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,157
♪ To survive ♪
- ♪ Okay, now it's my turn ♪
423
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,524
- ♪ If I end up
in your cell ♪
424
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,960
- ♪ Can we have
some give and take? ♪
425
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,395
- ♪ Why would I have
stayed alive? ♪
426
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:39,863
- ♪ Let me get in a word,
at least ♪
427
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:42,628
- ♪ Do I tell him
that I love him? ♪
428
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,136
♪ Do I tell him
of his child? ♪
429
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,138
- ♪ Now, where did this bitch
come from? ♪
430
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,903
- ♪ I have no idea ♪
- ♪ One at a time ♪
431
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:53,036
- ♪ Will he ever know
his daughter? ♪
432
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,409
- ♪ Lady, seriously,
please hang on ♪
433
00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:55,913
- ♪ Will he recognize
her eyes? ♪
434
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,313
- ♪ It's hard enough
to talk to him ♪
435
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,249
- ♪ Did you say my daughter? ♪
436
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:01,548
- ♪ Yours and mine ♪
- ♪ One at a time ♪
437
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,248
all: ♪ The trumpets
call out freedom ♪
438
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:04,812
- ♪ This all has to happen
on the same block? ♪
439
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,154
all: ♪ Let the marching
shake the ground ♪
440
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,022
- ♪ Now this is just a joke ♪
441
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,995
♪ We could solve all of these
issues if everyone just spoke ♪
442
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,998
♪ One at a time ♪
443
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,761
- ♪ Taking what we can, 'cause
things are getting worse ♪
444
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,325
♪ Taking what we can
from every pocket and purse ♪
445
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,358
- ♪ One at a time ♪
446
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,702
- ♪ The men have come ♪
447
00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:22,502
all: ♪ Their blood
will spill ♪
448
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,099
- ♪ One at time ♪
449
00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:25,940
- ♪ The years
destroyed the man ♪
450
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:28,606
♪ She knew
before we parted ♪
451
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:30,945
all: ♪ And when love and war
and blood and glory's ♪
452
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,883
♪ Barracks
have been climbed ♪
453
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:35,614
♪ We will die ♪
- ♪ I will love ♪
454
00:17:35,654 --> 00:17:36,951
- ♪ Years, they pass ♪
455
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:39,423
- Can't we speak?
456
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,085
All: ♪ One ♪
457
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,617
both: ♪ Here we go again,
popping in and out ♪
458
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,358
♪ Don't have much to do
with what this is about ♪
459
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,922
all: ♪ At a time ♪
460
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:53,905
- ♪ Why are we all
facing the same way? ♪
461
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:59,605
- Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?
462
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,704
Oh, now we're all ears.
463
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,442
Great.
464
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:07,643
[Hall to the Chlef playing]
465
00:18:07,686 --> 00:18:09,984
- Hello, my fellow Americans.
466
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,889
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
467
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,324
- Hi!
468
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,259
- Now, the first year
of my second term
469
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:17,319
has been a challenge.
470
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,728
- Cluster... fuck!
471
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,097
- Tonight, I'd like
to address the concerns
472
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,500
of the American people
over what they perceive
473
00:18:24,536 --> 00:18:26,936
as the U.S. Government spying
on their digital
474
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:28,837
and electronic activities.
475
00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:31,843
- Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important motherfuckers
476
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:33,742
if you think we interested
in your deviant,
477
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,337
porn-watching asses!
478
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:38,008
- I can assure you,
the American people,
479
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,484
we are not reading
every individual email.
480
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,510
Rather, we're searching
for key words
481
00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:44,146
that would indicate a threat.
482
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,417
- And don't worry,
everybody,
483
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,857
those key words are not
"girl on girl,"
484
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:51,192
anal, squirting,
plopping.
485
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,289
- Hmm. "Plopping"?
486
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:54,856
- What the fuck
is "plopping,"
487
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,367
you dirty motherfuckers?
488
00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:58,369
- These key words
are being used,
489
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:00,769
amongst other things,
to prevent terrorists
490
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,797
from using weapons
of mass destruction.
491
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:04,809
- Not prevent you
from watching videos
492
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,811
of ass destruction!
493
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:09,313
- Now, these policies
have already foiled
494
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,373
numerous terrorist plots.
495
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:13,384
- These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,
496
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,680
like when a guy
comes in the door
497
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,187
with his penis
in a pizza box,
498
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:17,620
and a lady sucks on it.
499
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,317
- And I assure you
500
00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:20,723
that the country's
gotten safer
501
00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:22,556
since the end
of the Bush era.
502
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:25,290
- And I ain't talking
about the President. Boop.
503
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,163
- These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...
504
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,168
- I know y'all been probin...
- Into the deep... No, Luther.
505
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,329
Just,
what I'm trying to say is
506
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:35,135
that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...
507
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,141
- You guys think...
- And that... Luther.
508
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,574
- Okay, Luther,
509
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,406
why are you trying to undermine
the President
510
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:42,072
with your juvenile
sexual innuendo?
511
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,241
- The average American
has nothing to fear
512
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,580
from these policies.
513
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:47,812
- Now! If we was
drone-striking perverts,
514
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,377
our country would look like
515
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:51,514
Mad Max beyond Thunderdome
right about now.
516
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:54,822
I'm talking about
a postapocalyptic nightmare!
517
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,259
- Thank you,
and good night.
518
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:59,059
- Go to sleep, y'all.
519
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,257
- "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.
520
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:01,766
That's when you...
521
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,927
- Oh.
522
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,529
Y'all are
some sick motherfuckers.
523
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,270
[Soul music]
524
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:14,245
[Upbeat music]
525
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,371
♪ ♪
526
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,279
- Welcome to Metta World News.
527
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:22,344
Our top story: Why are people
always trying to steal my magic?
528
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:24,947
In other news,
cat litter can be used
529
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,890
to blind people
when fighting.
530
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:29,621
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
531
00:20:29,661 --> 00:20:31,959
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
532
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,795
for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain drink.
533
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:38,291
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
534
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:39,634
[Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
535
00:20:39,671 --> 00:20:40,899
Thank you.
536
00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:42,804
- All right.
537
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:45,969
So now, everybody,
it's time to...
538
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:47,706
go straight to your computer
539
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,646
and Google "plopping."
540
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,911
[Laughter]
Very sorry.
541
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:52,974
- Good night, everybody.
- Thank you very much.
542
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,350
- Good night.
Thank you.
543
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,225
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
544
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,193
- Oh, yeah.
545
00:21:04,696 --> 00:21:06,823
- You know, 21/2 hours into the
movie, my man's talking about...
546
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:08,628
- [sobbing]
I came to see Wolverine!
547
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:10,225
- You did.
548
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,930
- He don't got
his healing powers no more!
549
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:13,562
- That's your boy.
I know, baby.
550
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:14,970
- [Sobbing] He can't come
back from the dead.
551
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:16,338
- I know.
552
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,740
- He trying
to have a revolution!
553
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:20,875
- I know. Let it out.
Ripped By mstoll
553
00:21:21,305 --> 00:21:27,832
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