1 00:00:00,046 --> 00:00:01,276 I don't care. (overlapping arguing) 2 00:00:01,351 --> 00:00:02,554 No, but I don't care. 3 00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:04,092 And I'm trying to help people out over here. 4 00:00:04,126 --> 00:00:05,999 No, okay, you know what, Jaqueline? 5 00:00:06,033 --> 00:00:07,236 No, I don't know. What? 6 00:00:07,271 --> 00:00:09,239 You need to think about yourself sometimes, 7 00:00:09,274 --> 00:00:10,574 before you start insinuating yourself 8 00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:11,809 in other people's business. 9 00:00:11,843 --> 00:00:13,681 Well, you know what, Deenyce? 10 00:00:13,715 --> 00:00:15,118 I'm gonna insinuate myself 11 00:00:15,153 --> 00:00:16,321 whenever and wherever I please, 12 00:00:16,355 --> 00:00:18,056 'cause it's a free country, bitch. 13 00:00:18,091 --> 00:00:19,858 (all) Ooh. 14 00:00:19,893 --> 00:00:20,859 - Uh-uh. - Uh-huh. 15 00:00:20,894 --> 00:00:22,093 - Uh-uh. - Uh-huh. 16 00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:23,463 Uh-uh. Okay. You know what? 17 00:00:23,497 --> 00:00:24,765 Oh, we doin' this? 18 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,467 Yeah, we doing this. Okay, so we gonna--here, baby. 19 00:00:26,502 --> 00:00:28,304 Yeah, we are about to fight now. 20 00:00:28,338 --> 00:00:30,373 Bring it on then, bitch. Let's go. 21 00:00:30,407 --> 00:00:32,108 I ain't even playin'. 22 00:00:32,142 --> 00:00:33,376 'cause you know what? 23 00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:34,845 - Step to me then, go ahead. - I wish you would... 24 00:00:34,879 --> 00:00:36,047 - Step to me. - Step up... 25 00:00:36,081 --> 00:00:37,148 No, I would love for you to step to me, 26 00:00:37,182 --> 00:00:38,518 - I really would. - To me right now, bitch. 27 00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:39,888 But you're just talkin', that's the problem. 28 00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:41,525 I don't even care no more. 29 00:00:41,559 --> 00:00:43,295 And you're talking though, and that's all you're doing. 30 00:00:43,329 --> 00:00:45,865 - Call me a bitch again. - Oh, yeah? 31 00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,033 - Call me a bitch again. - Okay. 32 00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,034 - No, see what happens. - Your wish is granted. 33 00:00:48,069 --> 00:00:49,036 See what happens. 34 00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:50,171 I would like to see what happens. 35 00:00:50,206 --> 00:00:53,677 I would love to see what happens. 36 00:00:53,712 --> 00:00:55,013 - Oh, you do? - Oh, absolutely. 37 00:00:55,047 --> 00:00:57,749 So why don't you come and bring it then, bitch? 38 00:00:57,784 --> 00:00:59,352 (all) Ooh. 39 00:00:59,386 --> 00:01:00,586 See, no. 40 00:01:00,621 --> 00:01:03,056 You are riding my last nerve. 41 00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:04,692 And I ain't even playin' no more. 42 00:01:04,726 --> 00:01:07,896 I am not even playin' no more. 43 00:01:07,930 --> 00:01:08,898 Oh, it's on? 44 00:01:08,933 --> 00:01:10,067 Then let's do something, okay? 45 00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,169 You wanna go? 46 00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:13,439 (all) Ooh. 47 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,674 Uh-uh. 48 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,342 Huh? There we go. 49 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:17,811 Let's do something. 50 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,046 Uh-uh. 51 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,116 - Uh-huh. - Uh-uh. 52 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,818 It's uh-huh. It's uh-huh. 53 00:01:23,852 --> 00:01:25,086 Uh-uh. 54 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,289 Let's do something, bitch. 55 00:01:27,323 --> 00:01:29,491 What? 56 00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:35,558 (all gasping) 57 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,416 (all) Ooh. 58 00:01:42,171 --> 00:01:45,207 (both) We told you not to mess with us, bitch! 59 00:01:48,980 --> 00:01:50,514 Y'all just saw that bitch 60 00:01:50,549 --> 00:01:52,716 turn into two little girls, right? 61 00:01:52,751 --> 00:01:55,720 (soul music) 62 00:01:55,754 --> 00:02:00,358 ♪ 63 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,357 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 64 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,941 (cheers and applause) 65 00:02:14,976 --> 00:02:18,445 Whoo! Whoo! 66 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,749 Yeah. Oh. (laughs) 67 00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:23,952 - All right. - Thank you. 68 00:02:23,986 --> 00:02:25,353 Thanks for being here, guys. 69 00:02:25,388 --> 00:02:26,988 - I'm Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele. 70 00:02:27,023 --> 00:02:27,989 And we're Key and Peele. 71 00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,324 Thank you for coming. 72 00:02:29,359 --> 00:02:31,493 (cheers and applause) 73 00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:32,628 You guys know the Super Bowl Shuffle. 74 00:02:32,662 --> 00:02:34,096 Do you remember that? 75 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,599 Yeah, unless you weren't born in 1985. 76 00:02:36,633 --> 00:02:38,368 It was the '85 Bears. 77 00:02:38,402 --> 00:02:40,403 Put out this rap video, 78 00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:43,273 just saying how much badasses they were. 79 00:02:43,307 --> 00:02:45,141 How bad-- how badass they were. 80 00:02:45,176 --> 00:02:47,377 No athlete has ever been able to rap, 81 00:02:47,411 --> 00:02:48,812 and it sounds good. 82 00:02:48,846 --> 00:02:50,147 - It just doesn't happen. - Right. 83 00:02:50,181 --> 00:02:52,349 There's something about multiple concussions 84 00:02:52,384 --> 00:02:54,118 that just doesn't-- 85 00:02:54,152 --> 00:02:56,887 it isn't conducive to rhyming well. 86 00:02:56,921 --> 00:02:58,422 You don't just get to put on the headphones and go, 87 00:02:58,457 --> 00:03:02,226 "Yeah, I gotta live it, s-so I can give it." 88 00:03:02,261 --> 00:03:04,028 Nope. 89 00:03:04,063 --> 00:03:05,230 We gotta take it from the top 90 00:03:05,264 --> 00:03:06,431 'cause you messed up the line, man. 91 00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,033 - Yeah, okay. - Live it, do it. 92 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:09,034 That's your only line. 93 00:03:09,069 --> 00:03:10,036 - All right. Mm-hmm. - Ready? Go. 94 00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:11,103 We got do it and-- 95 00:03:11,138 --> 00:03:12,438 - Nope. - Gravitate toward it. 96 00:03:12,472 --> 00:03:14,807 You already--why are you adding "gravitate?" 97 00:03:14,841 --> 00:03:16,175 - Okay. Mm-hmm. - Now, Flavius... 98 00:03:16,209 --> 00:03:17,910 - Yes, yes. - Can you just say four words? 99 00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,212 - Mm-hmm. - And then we're gonna be good? 100 00:03:19,246 --> 00:03:21,815 - Four words! - No, this-- 101 00:03:21,849 --> 00:03:24,184 (cheers and applause) 102 00:03:26,754 --> 00:03:28,155 Hey, Jadinkalage? 103 00:03:28,189 --> 00:03:30,424 Yeah, L'Carpetron? 104 00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:34,295 Check out Leoz. 105 00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:36,297 I wonder what he's dreaming about? 106 00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:39,901 He is probably dreaming about what we is gonna do 107 00:03:39,935 --> 00:03:42,703 to the team from the West. 108 00:03:42,738 --> 00:03:45,506 I wonder. 109 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,083 ♪ T'Variusness ♪ 110 00:03:55,117 --> 00:03:56,151 ♪ T-King for short ♪ 111 00:03:56,185 --> 00:03:57,219 ♪ I'm a bad mamma-jamma ♪ 112 00:03:57,253 --> 00:03:58,453 ♪ and an awful sport ♪ 113 00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,488 ♪ Smoochie-Wallace ♪ 114 00:03:59,522 --> 00:04:00,889 ♪ You can call me Tyroil ♪ 115 00:04:00,923 --> 00:04:03,191 ♪ Rappin' up rushes like aluminum foil ♪ 116 00:04:03,226 --> 00:04:04,192 ♪ McCringleberry ♪ 117 00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:05,393 ♪ I'm very scary ♪ 118 00:04:05,428 --> 00:04:07,529 ♪ If I got the ball you best be wary ♪ 119 00:04:07,563 --> 00:04:09,631 ♪ L'Carpetron Dookmarriot ♪ 120 00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:11,766 ♪ I love the ball so much I wanna marry it ♪ 121 00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:14,736 (all) ♪ 'cause the Eastern school's ♪ 122 00:04:14,770 --> 00:04:17,639 ♪ gonna beat the fools from the West ♪ 123 00:04:17,673 --> 00:04:20,942 Oh, yeah. 124 00:04:20,977 --> 00:04:22,644 (all) ♪ Where football's concerned ♪ 125 00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:26,448 ♪ We gonna show you that we are the best ♪ 126 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,818 ♪ We are the best ♪ 127 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:32,288 ♪ I'm Ibrahim Moizoos ♪ 128 00:04:32,322 --> 00:04:34,590 ♪ And my rhymes are clean like my name is Dr. Seuss ♪ 129 00:04:34,624 --> 00:04:35,891 ♪ Probincrux III ♪ 130 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:36,892 ♪ They call me "The Probe" ♪ 131 00:04:36,926 --> 00:04:38,126 ♪ I can intercept balls ♪ 132 00:04:38,161 --> 00:04:39,227 ♪ With my earlobe ♪ 133 00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:40,362 ♪ Shower-Handel ♪ 134 00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:41,729 ♪ That's my name ♪ 135 00:04:41,764 --> 00:04:43,431 ♪ Power candle sounds the same ♪ 136 00:04:43,465 --> 00:04:44,832 - ♪ With Jackmerius ♪ - ♪ D'Squarius ♪ 137 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:45,834 ♪ And Javarison-Lamar ♪ 138 00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,201 ♪ Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and 139 00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:48,950 ♪ D'Marcus plays guitar 140 00:04:50,739 --> 00:04:53,207 (all) ♪ 'cause the Eastern school's 141 00:04:53,241 --> 00:04:55,642 ♪ Gonna beat the fools from the West ♪ 142 00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:57,544 ♪ Okay ♪ 143 00:04:57,579 --> 00:04:58,609 ♪ Don't you know ♪ 144 00:04:59,314 --> 00:05:01,081 (all) ♪ Where football's concerned ♪ 145 00:05:01,115 --> 00:05:04,952 ♪ We gonna show you that we are the best ♪ 146 00:05:04,986 --> 00:05:06,853 ♪ Indeedy, we are the best ♪ 147 00:05:08,289 --> 00:05:09,114 (gasps) 148 00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:12,666 It must have been all a dream. 149 00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:16,195 (gasps) 150 00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:17,232 Or was it? 151 00:05:24,904 --> 00:05:26,911 Oh, it's on. 152 00:05:32,913 --> 00:05:34,046 ♪ What's up, y'all ♪ 153 00:05:34,081 --> 00:05:35,181 ♪ It's Jefferspin ♪ 154 00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:36,415 ♪ I'm the big left tackle ♪ 155 00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:37,616 ♪ Gonna help us win ♪ 156 00:05:37,651 --> 00:05:40,085 ♪ X-Wing @Aliciousness ♪ 157 00:05:40,119 --> 00:05:42,888 ♪ I'll use my force to give the East distress ♪ 158 00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:44,557 ♪ L'Goodling-Splatt is where it's at ♪ 159 00:05:44,591 --> 00:05:47,593 ♪ Running through defenders and padding my stats ♪ 160 00:05:47,628 --> 00:05:48,761 ♪ Y'all know me ♪ 161 00:05:48,796 --> 00:05:50,129 ♪ I'm Washingbeard ♪ 162 00:05:50,164 --> 00:05:52,799 ♪ Catch so many balls it's a little weird ♪ 163 00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:56,069 (all) ♪ 'cause you know we gonna win against the East ♪ 164 00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:57,304 ♪ Listen what we said ♪ 165 00:05:57,338 --> 00:05:58,705 (all) ♪ We gonna get the most points ♪ 166 00:05:58,740 --> 00:06:00,274 ♪ And they gonna get the least ♪ 167 00:06:00,308 --> 00:06:02,509 ♪ Just tryin' to calm the voices running through my head ♪ 168 00:06:02,543 --> 00:06:03,810 ♪ Back it up ♪ 169 00:06:03,845 --> 00:06:05,145 ♪ It's Hardunkichud ♪ 170 00:06:05,179 --> 00:06:07,780 ♪ I hit the Q.B. and make a noise like thud ♪ 171 00:06:07,815 --> 00:06:10,083 ♪ Can't block me and all of that jazz ♪ 172 00:06:10,117 --> 00:06:12,686 ♪ 'cause y'all don't want none of this Ozamataz ♪ 173 00:06:12,721 --> 00:06:13,754 ♪ The Player... ♪ 174 00:06:13,789 --> 00:06:15,356 ♪ T.J. A.J. ♪ 175 00:06:15,390 --> 00:06:16,624 ♪ Formerly Known... ♪ 176 00:06:16,658 --> 00:06:17,925 (screeches) 177 00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:19,059 (construction noises) 178 00:06:19,094 --> 00:06:20,060 ♪ Lewith ♪ 179 00:06:20,094 --> 00:06:21,061 ♪ As Mousecop ♪ 180 00:06:21,095 --> 00:06:22,295 ♪ and Donkey Teeth ♪ 181 00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:23,396 ♪ I'm the touchdown man ♪ 182 00:06:23,431 --> 00:06:24,497 ♪ That's Grundelplith ♪ 183 00:06:24,532 --> 00:06:25,832 ♪ But y'all ain't ready ♪ 184 00:06:25,866 --> 00:06:27,467 ♪ For my man Dan Smith ♪ 185 00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:29,565 (rapping) ♪ Yo yo ♪ 186 00:06:30,204 --> 00:06:31,125 ♪ Smith comma Daniel ♪ 187 00:06:31,138 --> 00:06:32,859 ♪ Other kickers in the League don't hold a candle ♪ 188 00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:34,241 ♪ Cheerleaders up on my chocolate crotch ♪ 189 00:06:34,276 --> 00:06:35,643 ♪ Those goddamn baby cocker spaniel ♪ 190 00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:36,977 ♪ B.Y.U. why you be ♪ 191 00:06:37,012 --> 00:06:38,245 ♪ Mad 'cause the bitches wanna get with me ♪ 192 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,852 ♪ Got Swisher Sweets and dutchies rollin on' ♪ 193 00:06:39,903 --> 00:06:40,781 ♪ No other team can touch these ♪ 194 00:06:40,815 --> 00:06:42,282 ♪ Hittin' field goals blunted ♪ 195 00:06:42,317 --> 00:06:43,417 ♪ Been drunk when I punted ♪ 196 00:06:43,451 --> 00:06:44,651 ♪ Been like a hundred times ♪ 197 00:06:44,686 --> 00:06:46,120 ♪ That I already done it ♪ 198 00:06:46,154 --> 00:06:47,421 ♪ Oh, [bleep] ♪ 199 00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:48,789 ♪ See these haters thought I was playin' ♪ 200 00:06:48,823 --> 00:06:50,291 ♪ Stayin' away from my faces ♪ 201 00:06:50,325 --> 00:06:51,559 ♪ With all the bull[bleep] they sayin' ♪ 202 00:06:51,593 --> 00:06:53,127 ♪ But just remember who you tauntin' ♪ 203 00:06:53,161 --> 00:06:54,499 ♪ When you tossin' those gauntlets ♪ 204 00:06:54,537 --> 00:06:57,405 ♪ I'm Dan Smith and the West is gettin' rowdy like monsters ♪ 205 00:06:57,766 --> 00:06:59,266 (all cheer) 206 00:07:04,203 --> 00:07:05,703 Question for you. 207 00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,940 Why do black people love mafia stuff so much? 208 00:07:08,974 --> 00:07:10,608 We do, right? 209 00:07:10,642 --> 00:07:13,277 - Goodfellas, Godfather. - Godfather. 210 00:07:13,312 --> 00:07:14,745 Godfather II, God-- 211 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,848 Mm, on the third one, but... 212 00:07:16,882 --> 00:07:20,451 We are very tolerant, considering that 213 00:07:20,486 --> 00:07:23,621 uh, mafia--mobsters are the most racist people in America. 214 00:07:23,655 --> 00:07:24,788 - Hands down. - Right? 215 00:07:24,823 --> 00:07:26,823 They say the N-word more than we do. 216 00:07:26,858 --> 00:07:28,258 Yeah, it's crazy. 217 00:07:28,292 --> 00:07:31,194 I mean, if you date a mobster's sister... 218 00:07:31,228 --> 00:07:32,395 (laughs) You will wake up 219 00:07:32,430 --> 00:07:33,864 with that bitch's head in your bed. 220 00:07:33,898 --> 00:07:35,157 (screams) 221 00:07:35,224 --> 00:07:36,808 They're, like, the most cold-blooded people 222 00:07:36,835 --> 00:07:38,135 - in the world. - They just don't give a [bleep]. 223 00:07:38,169 --> 00:07:39,570 They don't. 224 00:07:39,604 --> 00:07:41,672 - That's their motto. - You laughed, 225 00:07:41,706 --> 00:07:45,575 but we're--we're gonna get shot after we walk off the stage. 226 00:07:49,446 --> 00:07:50,747 I'm tellin' you, Vinny, 227 00:07:50,781 --> 00:07:53,383 no disrespect to your dearly departed grandmother, 228 00:07:53,417 --> 00:07:56,480 but my aunt makes a pasta--forget about it. 229 00:07:57,522 --> 00:07:59,690 Your aunt lives in this neighborhood? 230 00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:02,392 Seems kinda dangerous. 231 00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:05,662 What are you, McGruff the crime dog? 232 00:08:05,697 --> 00:08:07,873 Come on, we're late already. 233 00:08:09,234 --> 00:08:12,769 Hey, uh, you--you say she lives in this house here? 234 00:08:12,804 --> 00:08:15,005 What the [bleep]'s the matter with you, vinny? 235 00:08:15,039 --> 00:08:17,328 You're being rude. let's go. 236 00:08:19,177 --> 00:08:22,513 I'm not trying to be rude, it's-- 237 00:08:22,548 --> 00:08:23,648 The lights are off. 238 00:08:23,682 --> 00:08:26,517 Maybe we-- let's come back later. Y-- 239 00:08:26,552 --> 00:08:28,453 Hey, she's probably just takin' a nap 240 00:08:28,487 --> 00:08:30,822 after the huge meal she just made for us. 241 00:08:30,856 --> 00:08:32,423 Go in. 242 00:08:35,761 --> 00:08:37,027 I don't have the key. 243 00:08:37,062 --> 00:08:38,295 You should go in first. 244 00:08:38,329 --> 00:08:40,464 Oh, marrone, she said she'd leave it open. 245 00:08:40,498 --> 00:08:45,636 Vinny, stop being such a strunzo and get in there. 246 00:08:50,676 --> 00:08:53,678 All right, all right. 247 00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:01,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 248 00:10:20,702 --> 00:10:23,670 Surprise. 249 00:10:27,108 --> 00:10:28,709 No, I'm good, man. 250 00:10:28,743 --> 00:10:31,145 You hungry? 251 00:10:31,179 --> 00:10:33,180 Sure, I could eat. Yeah, man. 252 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,049 Um, what you want? 253 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:36,917 Uh, pizza? Chinese? 254 00:10:36,952 --> 00:10:38,386 (clicks tongue) 255 00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,513 Kill that noise, man. 256 00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:44,252 I got a ratatouille. 257 00:10:44,704 --> 00:10:46,510 (squealing noises) 258 00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:48,029 Oh, [bleep]! 259 00:10:48,063 --> 00:10:49,363 That's a rat, dude. 260 00:10:49,397 --> 00:10:50,531 No, it ain't. 261 00:10:50,565 --> 00:10:53,133 That's a ratatouille, yo. 262 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,837 Hey, Ratatouille, go make my man a sandwich. 263 00:10:56,872 --> 00:11:00,007 Yeah, show him what you got. 264 00:11:05,981 --> 00:11:07,482 What the [bleep], son? 265 00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,687 You got a rat up in your house? 266 00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:13,334 What this mean? 267 00:11:14,585 --> 00:11:16,591 I don't know what to say, man. 268 00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:18,292 I got a ratatouille, man. 269 00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:20,595 He a chef just like in all them movies, man. 270 00:11:20,629 --> 00:11:21,829 No, no r--hey. 271 00:11:21,864 --> 00:11:23,565 There's only-- (sighs) 272 00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:26,134 There's only one movie, Levi, all right? 273 00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:27,636 And he's not a ratatouille. 274 00:11:27,671 --> 00:11:30,506 He's a rat and his name is Remy. 275 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,908 - Potahto, potayto. - Potahto, p-- 276 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,643 - I gots myself a ratatouille. 277 00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:37,112 That's all I know. 278 00:11:37,146 --> 00:11:39,080 Order up. 279 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,066 Damn! Oh, Levi! 280 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,423 Voilà. 281 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,325 Levi, look at this thing, man. 282 00:11:50,359 --> 00:11:52,794 You see it got bite marks all over it. 283 00:11:52,829 --> 00:11:55,730 Any good chef has to taste his creation. 284 00:11:55,764 --> 00:12:00,001 That's rat [bleep] on the sandwich. 285 00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:02,171 He did make a sandwich though. 286 00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:03,372 Oh, hell no. 287 00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:04,540 I'm out. 288 00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:07,710 My dude, you need help. 289 00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:11,146 Hey. 290 00:12:11,181 --> 00:12:12,515 Oh, well, Ratatouille. 291 00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,917 Another negative review. 292 00:12:15,955 --> 00:12:18,020 Maybe you want it, Charlotte's web. 293 00:12:22,812 --> 00:12:23,945 (soul music) 294 00:12:24,006 --> 00:12:26,107 Has anybody been racially profiled here? 295 00:12:26,115 --> 00:12:27,949 (crowd shouting agreement) Yes. 296 00:12:27,983 --> 00:12:30,451 - Really? - Yes. Yes. 297 00:12:30,486 --> 00:12:32,020 That's why we have the glasses on, right? 298 00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:33,021 No, I'm good. 299 00:12:33,055 --> 00:12:34,155 I'm one of the nerdy ones. 300 00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:36,257 Here, right here. 301 00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:37,692 Carry on, carry on. 302 00:12:37,726 --> 00:12:39,694 Being a black man it is--it is scary, man. 303 00:12:39,728 --> 00:12:42,096 We can get thrown away for just no reason. 304 00:12:42,131 --> 00:12:43,164 Yeah, yeah. 305 00:12:43,198 --> 00:12:44,565 Wh--I did what to who? 306 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,935 Like, d--but seriously now, what? 307 00:12:46,969 --> 00:12:48,670 What are the charges? 308 00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:49,704 What did they get you for? 309 00:12:49,738 --> 00:12:50,872 D--I don't know. 310 00:12:50,906 --> 00:12:52,674 They asked me to come down to the station. 311 00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:54,075 - Oh, really? - Yes. 312 00:12:54,109 --> 00:12:55,142 - I was just-- - I came. 313 00:12:55,177 --> 00:12:56,677 - I'm a [bleep] idiot. - I know. 314 00:12:56,711 --> 00:12:59,180 Yeah. 315 00:12:59,214 --> 00:13:01,148 Are you--is there any Muslim-Americans in the-- 316 00:13:01,182 --> 00:13:03,050 (crowd cheers) There we go. 317 00:13:03,084 --> 00:13:04,051 All right. We're very pleased-- 318 00:13:04,085 --> 00:13:05,052 You guys have it the worst 319 00:13:05,086 --> 00:13:06,053 - right now though, right? - Yeah. 320 00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:07,121 They'll just look at your name 321 00:13:07,155 --> 00:13:08,389 and see it's (speaks gibberish) 322 00:13:08,423 --> 00:13:10,791 All right. [bleep] you go. 323 00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:21,035 Look Rajid, 324 00:13:21,069 --> 00:13:22,970 I'm gonna make this really nice and easy for you. 325 00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:24,972 I need names and you're gonna give 'em to me. 326 00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:26,173 You have to listen to me. 327 00:13:26,207 --> 00:13:28,342 You have to listen to me. 328 00:13:28,376 --> 00:13:31,244 This is all a huge mistake. 329 00:13:31,279 --> 00:13:33,580 Bull[bleep]! 330 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,283 Department of Homeland Security's 331 00:13:36,317 --> 00:13:39,052 been monitoring your calls for weeks, Rajid. 332 00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:40,454 We got you. 333 00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,556 We know about you and your friends. 334 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:44,524 We know that you're a-- 335 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:45,525 Terrierist. 336 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,728 I am a terrierist. 337 00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:51,598 We--me and my friends, we breed dogs, 338 00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:53,300 specifically terriers. 339 00:13:53,334 --> 00:13:55,602 We write terrierist fiction. 340 00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:57,938 We spend a good deal of time 341 00:13:57,972 --> 00:14:00,775 discussing possible future terrierist plots-- 342 00:14:00,809 --> 00:14:01,971 (groans) 343 00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:04,978 Hmm. That's a nice try. 344 00:14:04,997 --> 00:14:06,111 It really is. 345 00:14:06,742 --> 00:14:09,883 But it's bull[bleep], Rajid! 346 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,017 Come on. 347 00:14:11,052 --> 00:14:12,352 Is that the best you got? 348 00:14:12,386 --> 00:14:14,253 Now come on, I'm listening. 349 00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:15,722 Just tell me. Tell me. 350 00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:17,540 Tell me about this imminent attack. 351 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,760 What? What? What attack? 352 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,061 I don't know what you're talking about. 353 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,495 What are you t--what am i talking about? 354 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,230 - I don't-- - I don't know, huh? huh? 355 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,531 I don't know what you're talking about. 356 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,933 - I'm telling you-- - No, you don't know? 357 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,734 I don't know. I don't know. 358 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,070 June 11, Rajid. 359 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:33,605 You spoke of an imminent attack. 360 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:34,906 Oh, oh, yes. No. 361 00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,274 Listen, that was my friend. 362 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,710 - Listen, his dog bit him. - No. 363 00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,311 And I told him, "If you do not train them..." 364 00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,781 - No. - "another terrier attack 365 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:43,782 "is imminent." 366 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:47,153 (grunts) 367 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,221 So you lie and you see what happens? 368 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,623 I don't-- I'm not lying to you. 369 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,524 Come on, Rajid. I like you. 370 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,693 let's be friends, huh? 371 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,561 Now you still haven't explained to me 372 00:14:57,596 --> 00:15:01,298 why we found, on the search engine of your computer, 373 00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:04,468 the words "Target Washington" 49 times. 374 00:15:04,502 --> 00:15:07,771 That--that is because I was in D.C. for a dog show 375 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,041 and I had to buy a squeezy toy, a birthday card, 376 00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,510 and some deodorant all at an affordable price. 377 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,312 All right. 378 00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:15,446 You can only do that at Target. 379 00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:16,447 Yeah, okay. 380 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,149 I see how you wanna play this. 381 00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:19,783 (groans) 382 00:15:19,817 --> 00:15:23,453 This is not a case of mistaken identity, Rajid, 383 00:15:23,488 --> 00:15:25,655 and you know it! 384 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:28,391 We've heard the conversations between you and Jafar. 385 00:15:28,426 --> 00:15:31,395 Where you discussing your hatred of American ideals. 386 00:15:31,429 --> 00:15:32,396 No, no, Idols. 387 00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:33,798 American Idols! 388 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,132 I-I hate them. 389 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,467 They performed "Dancing Queen". 390 00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:39,570 It was a desecration to ABBA. 391 00:15:39,604 --> 00:15:41,839 My favorite band. 392 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,209 We got you on tape referring to Jafar 393 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:45,911 as one of the architects of-- 394 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,346 - 7-Eleven! 395 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,015 it was 7-Eleven! 396 00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:54,686 Jafar--he designs convenience stores. 397 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,924 7-Eleven? 398 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,659 Oh, [bleep]. 399 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:04,329 Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked the Capitol building. 400 00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:06,297 Were they terriers? 401 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:07,865 How did you know? 402 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,067 [bleep]! 403 00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:11,470 Praise ABBA. 404 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,611 Welcome to Metta World News. 405 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,381 In sports, I'd rather eat my hand 406 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,283 than to have my penis cut off. 407 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,885 I'd really have to believe someone was gonna cut it off, 408 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,155 but if I did, I could definitely eat my hand. 409 00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:31,658 I know because I had a dream where I did it. 410 00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:32,725 It was horrible. 411 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,194 I ate my whole hand. 412 00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:36,897 Now that's what you call "rhetoric." 413 00:16:36,932 --> 00:16:38,699 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 414 00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:41,402 for this Wednesday, April Hurricane Slipknot. 415 00:16:41,436 --> 00:16:42,703 I'm Metta World Peace. 416 00:16:42,738 --> 00:16:43,916 Good night. 417 00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:52,729 We go to the movies together sometimes. 418 00:16:52,764 --> 00:16:54,998 - Yes. - And we very often 419 00:16:54,999 --> 00:16:57,867 find ourselves in these really annoying spots 420 00:16:57,935 --> 00:16:59,502 where the guys in front of us are talking about a movie-- 421 00:16:59,537 --> 00:17:01,237 they can't remember a movie. 422 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:04,206 I've seen people get caught in a crazy, like, vortex. 423 00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:05,708 Talking about-- hey, hey, man. 424 00:17:05,742 --> 00:17:07,342 You know, what's the girl's name? 425 00:17:07,377 --> 00:17:08,410 What's the girl's name? 426 00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:09,945 - You know-- - She does this? 427 00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:11,947 - She does this? - She don't do this. 428 00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:14,316 No, she, um--she on a boat. 429 00:17:14,351 --> 00:17:15,351 and then the dude is on the boat. 430 00:17:15,385 --> 00:17:16,352 She's doing it--she doing it. 431 00:17:16,386 --> 00:17:18,254 She got--"I will always--in love--" 432 00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:20,023 - She's says "I will--" - "I'm on the boat." 433 00:17:20,058 --> 00:17:21,291 Oh, Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston, 434 00:17:21,326 --> 00:17:23,694 Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston. 435 00:17:23,728 --> 00:17:25,495 - She's blonde. - Oh, and--oh, she blonde. 436 00:17:25,529 --> 00:17:26,762 She on the boat, 437 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,564 and then the shark-- Jaws, man. Jaws. 438 00:17:28,598 --> 00:17:30,799 - Talking about Jaws. - No. 439 00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:33,535 The boat sinks, it crashes and sinks. 440 00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:35,104 - What can hit it? - It sinks. 441 00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,006 It hits a big-ass ice cube, and it sinks. 442 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,342 Oh! Oh! Oh! 443 00:17:39,376 --> 00:17:40,443 Friday. 444 00:17:45,749 --> 00:17:47,850 - Damn, she was fly. - She a'ight. 445 00:17:47,884 --> 00:17:49,685 Yo, man. Can I ask you a question? 446 00:17:49,719 --> 00:17:51,086 Yeah. What? 447 00:17:51,121 --> 00:17:52,922 Why everybody messing with the Batmans? 448 00:17:52,956 --> 00:17:54,289 (clicks tongue) See? 449 00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:57,226 That's exactly what I've been asking myself. 450 00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:58,293 It don't make no sense. 451 00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,428 Why would you do it? 452 00:17:59,462 --> 00:18:00,896 Why would you do that? 453 00:18:00,930 --> 00:18:03,398 Why would you try and mess with the Batman? 454 00:18:03,432 --> 00:18:05,400 - It's futile. - It is. 455 00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,902 Yo, remember, Heath Ledger tried to. 456 00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:08,403 Psh, I mean, the Batman's got armor. 457 00:18:08,438 --> 00:18:09,738 And, you know, some martial arts 458 00:18:09,772 --> 00:18:12,007 and moves-- (indistinct) 459 00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:13,275 (imitates sound of bullets deflecting) 460 00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:14,409 It don't work. I got armor. 461 00:18:14,444 --> 00:18:15,944 - And then martial arts. - Come on. 462 00:18:15,978 --> 00:18:17,846 - All you got is a purple suit and some pancake makeup. 463 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:18,913 Come on, man. 464 00:18:18,948 --> 00:18:20,148 I mean, come on, man. Batman. 465 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,850 - Why would you... - (both) mess with the Batman? 466 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,785 - That's what I'm saying, man. 467 00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,153 Oh, remember when Danny DeVito tried it? 468 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:27,755 - Psh. - Start walking around. 469 00:18:27,789 --> 00:18:28,789 Talking like... 470 00:18:28,824 --> 00:18:31,826 (both squawking) 471 00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:36,864 (both) Come on, man. 472 00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:40,034 I mean, the Batman is a multi-billionaire with a grudge. 473 00:18:40,069 --> 00:18:41,035 You're just a little fat mother[bleep] 474 00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:42,771 in a tuxedo with an umbrella. 475 00:18:42,806 --> 00:18:44,473 - Exactly, man. - Come on, man. 476 00:18:44,507 --> 00:18:47,109 It's like a pretend bird can't mess with the Batman. 477 00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:49,210 No way. no way. out of the question, man. 478 00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:50,478 But Jim Carrey though. 479 00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:52,647 Psh, Jim Carrey though. 480 00:18:52,682 --> 00:18:54,216 - Jim Carrey. - Come on. 481 00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:55,383 "Riddle me this. 482 00:18:55,418 --> 00:18:58,320 Riddle me that, mans." 483 00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,188 How is Ace Ventura gonna mess with the Batmans? 484 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:01,423 - Well played. Well played. - How is Ace Ventura-- 485 00:19:01,457 --> 00:19:02,591 Well played. 486 00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,793 "Hey, Batmans. I've come to get you." 487 00:19:04,827 --> 00:19:05,794 (imitates whipping sound) 488 00:19:05,829 --> 00:19:06,996 - Aah! - Now see. 489 00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,364 How are you supposed to block a Batarang 490 00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:11,366 from going in your butt with a carefully crafted query? 491 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,402 - You cannot. That's how. - It's impossible. 492 00:19:13,436 --> 00:19:15,404 - Hey. Hey, psh. Hey, psh. Hey, psh. 493 00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:16,972 - Michelle Puhfeiffer. - Michelle Puhfeiffer. 494 00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:19,942 Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess with the Batmans. 495 00:19:19,976 --> 00:19:22,377 Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess with the Batmans. 496 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,579 Michelle Puhfeiffer. 497 00:19:23,613 --> 00:19:24,980 - Michelle Puhfeiffer... - Michelle Puhfeiffer. 498 00:19:25,014 --> 00:19:26,115 tried to mess with the Batman. 499 00:19:26,149 --> 00:19:27,916 - Michelle Puhfeiffer. - Michelle Puhfeiffer. 500 00:19:27,951 --> 00:19:29,217 Guess what, Michelle Puhfeiffer? 501 00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,186 - You ain't a real cat! - Come on. 502 00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:32,453 I'll tell you one thing. 503 00:19:32,488 --> 00:19:34,857 Ain't no way you gonna meow-s with the Batman. 504 00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:37,059 But what about Arnold Scharzenegger though ? 505 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:38,471 What's Arnold Scharzenegger trying to do? 506 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,095 Come on, man. 507 00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:40,296 What is Arnold Scharzenegger-- 508 00:19:40,330 --> 00:19:42,599 Feel the burn. Feel the burn. Feel the burn. 509 00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,567 (grunts) It should be in your triceps. 510 00:19:44,602 --> 00:19:46,203 - Come on, man. - Arnold Scharzenegger-- 511 00:19:46,237 --> 00:19:47,437 You can't turn up the AC 512 00:19:47,472 --> 00:19:49,239 and think that's gonna mess with the Batman. 513 00:19:49,274 --> 00:19:50,340 What is it supposed to be doing to the Batman? 514 00:19:50,374 --> 00:19:52,075 - Giving the Batmans a cold? - Come on, man. 515 00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:53,443 Giving the Batmans a sniffle? 516 00:19:53,477 --> 00:19:55,145 Man, talking about Bat lozenge. 517 00:19:55,179 --> 00:19:56,346 And you're defeated. 518 00:19:56,381 --> 00:19:57,681 Come on, man. 519 00:19:57,715 --> 00:19:59,416 You know, there is one person though. 520 00:19:59,450 --> 00:20:01,051 Oh, no, no, no. Here it come now. 521 00:20:01,085 --> 00:20:02,052 There is one person who could-- 522 00:20:02,087 --> 00:20:03,487 Here it comes right now. 523 00:20:03,521 --> 00:20:04,588 - Mm-hmm. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 524 00:20:04,623 --> 00:20:05,589 There's one person who could... 525 00:20:05,624 --> 00:20:06,891 Here it comes right now. 526 00:20:06,925 --> 00:20:09,960 did, and shall again bested the Batman. 527 00:20:09,995 --> 00:20:11,095 - No, no, no. - Whoo! 528 00:20:11,129 --> 00:20:13,798 - Boy, here it comes. - He trained the Batman. 529 00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:16,367 He gave the Batmans his skills. 530 00:20:16,402 --> 00:20:17,802 He's a mirror image of the Batmans 531 00:20:17,837 --> 00:20:19,871 in fighting prowess. 532 00:20:19,906 --> 00:20:22,774 - I'm talking about... - (both) Ra's Al Ghul! 533 00:20:22,809 --> 00:20:23,908 That's right, dog. Right there. 534 00:20:23,943 --> 00:20:25,744 Talk about straight up Ra's Al Ghul. 535 00:20:25,778 --> 00:20:29,313 - Played by the incomparable... - (both) Liam Neesons. 536 00:20:29,348 --> 00:20:32,817 So even when we are talking about the Batmans... 537 00:20:32,851 --> 00:20:38,856 (both) Liam Neesons is my [bleep]. 538 00:20:44,430 --> 00:20:45,496 Thank you. 539 00:20:45,531 --> 00:20:47,264 Praise ABBA! 540 00:20:47,299 --> 00:20:48,833 - Good night, everybody. - All right. Thank you. 541 00:20:48,867 --> 00:20:50,401 Good night, guys. 542 00:20:50,436 --> 00:20:55,840 (cheers and applause) 543 00:20:55,874 --> 00:20:58,843 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 544 00:20:58,877 --> 00:21:00,878 Oh, yeah. 544 00:21:01,305 --> 00:21:07,296 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org