1 00:00:00,163 --> 00:00:01,924 I am here with Ozamataz Buckshank, 2 00:00:01,929 --> 00:00:03,843 the rookie out of Stanford University 3 00:00:03,902 --> 00:00:07,110 who is undoubtedly the MVP of today's game 4 00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:09,397 with an interception that he runs back for a touchdown 5 00:00:09,445 --> 00:00:11,886 in the last 30 seconds of the contest. 6 00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:14,464 Ozamataz, can you walk us through what happened 7 00:00:14,498 --> 00:00:15,596 in that last play? 8 00:00:15,631 --> 00:00:16,996 - It was amazing. - Yeah, we knew we had to go 9 00:00:17,031 --> 00:00:19,400 out there, give 100%, and we executed. 10 00:00:19,434 --> 00:00:20,635 It just went our way today. 11 00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:22,102 And was the quarterback giving you 12 00:00:22,136 --> 00:00:24,201 any clues today, Oz? 13 00:00:24,236 --> 00:00:25,520 It looked like you knew that ball was gonna be there. 14 00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:26,733 What was happening? 15 00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:29,667 We wanted to have some fun, you know, execute. 16 00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:32,102 Play one quarter at a time, give 100%. 17 00:00:32,136 --> 00:00:34,104 Oh--okay, okay. You know, let's just-- 18 00:00:34,138 --> 00:00:35,404 Let's talk about last week's game. 19 00:00:35,438 --> 00:00:37,973 You guys lost a heartbreaker. 20 00:00:38,007 --> 00:00:40,676 Give me your state of mind, then versus now. 21 00:00:40,710 --> 00:00:42,410 We wanted to do it play by play, 22 00:00:42,444 --> 00:00:44,644 give it 100%, execution-wise. 23 00:00:44,679 --> 00:00:46,712 - Execute. - Okay. 24 00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:48,213 I'm gonna ask you something completely different 25 00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:49,214 that's not about football. 26 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,215 Look at me, Oz. 27 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,416 just look at me for a second. 28 00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:52,451 I'm gonna ask you a question right here. 29 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,886 That a boy. So you and your wife 30 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,154 recently had-- right here. 31 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,355 Stay with me. 32 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,423 You and your wife recently had twins, okay? 33 00:00:58,457 --> 00:01:00,224 How does it feel to be a new dad? 34 00:01:00,259 --> 00:01:02,693 You know, we wanted to stay As a team, execute, 35 00:01:02,727 --> 00:01:04,994 give 100%, play by play. 36 00:01:05,028 --> 00:01:07,330 Okay, you know what, I'm gonna just--I'm just gonna-- 37 00:01:07,364 --> 00:01:09,232 I'm gonna do a little test right now. 38 00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:11,632 Hey, Oz, how'd you get to the game today? 39 00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:16,135 They a good team, great team, 100%. 40 00:01:16,169 --> 00:01:17,936 And what'd you have for dinner last night? 41 00:01:17,970 --> 00:01:19,138 - 100%. - 100%. Yeah, you did. 42 00:01:19,172 --> 00:01:21,975 Of course. 100% of whatever 100% was. 43 00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:24,244 You know what, can you just do me a favor 44 00:01:24,278 --> 00:01:25,945 and tell me one specific thing? 45 00:01:25,979 --> 00:01:30,249 Like, just one actual, original observation that you had 46 00:01:30,284 --> 00:01:32,317 about today's game? 47 00:01:32,352 --> 00:01:35,653 The game that you won almost single-handedly. 48 00:01:35,688 --> 00:01:37,155 Do you think that you could do that, Oz? 49 00:01:37,189 --> 00:01:39,457 - Oh, 100%. - Oh, God damn it! 50 00:01:39,491 --> 00:01:42,460 (soul music) 51 00:01:42,494 --> 00:01:45,996 ♪ 52 00:01:53,059 --> 00:01:55,364 Subs created by David Coleman. 53 00:01:55,521 --> 00:01:59,346 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 54 00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:00,477 (cheers and applause) 55 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,646 - Hey. - All right. 56 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,949 Thank you. 57 00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:10,587 - All right. - Thank you, everybody, so much. 58 00:02:10,621 --> 00:02:12,255 Thank you, thank you. Welcome. 59 00:02:12,289 --> 00:02:14,389 - I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele. 60 00:02:14,424 --> 00:02:17,693 And we are Key and Peele. (cheers and applause) 61 00:02:17,727 --> 00:02:19,361 Thank you. 62 00:02:19,396 --> 00:02:21,663 You guys know when Superman and Batman 63 00:02:21,698 --> 00:02:23,765 meet in comic books and TV shows? 64 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,268 You know--if you're a comic book fan. Yeah. 65 00:02:26,302 --> 00:02:27,636 They always meet, and it's like they're equals. 66 00:02:27,670 --> 00:02:28,937 Yeah. They're not equals. 67 00:02:28,972 --> 00:02:30,205 They're not equals. No. 68 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,774 They're, like, if they're on a stakeout, 69 00:02:31,809 --> 00:02:33,443 like, what's Batman supposed to do? 70 00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:35,746 (raspy) There are the bad guys. 71 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,180 I'll use my utility belt Freeze-- 72 00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:38,348 (whoops) Got 'em. 73 00:02:38,382 --> 00:02:41,517 Okay. (laughter) 74 00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:44,153 I'm gonna give you a tour of Gotham. 75 00:02:44,188 --> 00:02:45,154 Please. Of Gotham? 76 00:02:45,189 --> 00:02:46,322 - Yes. - The city? 77 00:02:46,356 --> 00:02:48,057 Yeah, I was gonna get in my Batwing... 78 00:02:48,091 --> 00:02:49,191 - Cool. - and you and I could travel 79 00:02:49,226 --> 00:02:50,559 around, fly through the sky. 80 00:02:50,593 --> 00:02:51,627 Oh, we don't need that. 81 00:02:51,661 --> 00:02:54,196 Just, what, you want to climb on top? 82 00:02:54,230 --> 00:02:56,865 Come on. 83 00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:58,734 Get up on it. 84 00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:01,237 Jump up on it. 85 00:03:01,271 --> 00:03:03,739 Come on. There you go. 86 00:03:05,108 --> 00:03:07,810 Is that-- Is that your utility belt 87 00:03:07,844 --> 00:03:10,145 I'm feeling? 88 00:03:11,481 --> 00:03:13,848 (phone rings) 89 00:03:13,883 --> 00:03:15,283 Hello, Skymall Magazine, 90 00:03:15,317 --> 00:03:16,584 this is Riyaz speaking. 91 00:03:16,619 --> 00:03:20,254 Hello, Riyaz. I would like to report 92 00:03:20,288 --> 00:03:23,990 an item which I ordered that arrived broken. 93 00:03:24,025 --> 00:03:26,794 Wendell Sanders, Mockingbird Lane. 94 00:03:26,828 --> 00:03:28,495 That's right. 95 00:03:28,530 --> 00:03:30,564 I am showing the last item that you received 96 00:03:30,598 --> 00:03:33,600 is the Superman bed with the Mattress of Solitude. 97 00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:34,801 That's the one. 98 00:03:34,835 --> 00:03:36,736 Ordered it for my son for his birthday, 99 00:03:36,771 --> 00:03:39,272 but I cannot give it to him like this. 100 00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:41,607 And I'm pretty darn-tootin' pissed about it. 101 00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:42,909 I'm really sorry, sir. 102 00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:45,711 I will start processing your reorder right now 103 00:03:45,746 --> 00:03:47,213 with you on the line, okay? 104 00:03:47,247 --> 00:03:49,215 I ain't mad at you, Riyaz. 105 00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:51,050 It's just the system. I know. 106 00:03:51,084 --> 00:03:53,185 Okay. thank you for understanding, sir. 107 00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:54,652 Kids, eh? 108 00:03:54,687 --> 00:03:56,921 Huh? 109 00:03:56,955 --> 00:04:01,192 Oh, ki--well, yeah, I just got the one myself. 110 00:04:01,226 --> 00:04:04,361 Had sex with a woman and everything to get him. 111 00:04:04,396 --> 00:04:05,663 How long is this gonna-- 112 00:04:05,697 --> 00:04:06,864 What is your son's name? 113 00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:12,369 Oh, um... 114 00:04:12,404 --> 00:04:15,706 Stimpy. 115 00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,474 Pretty much Stimpy. 116 00:04:17,509 --> 00:04:18,609 I have boys too. 117 00:04:18,643 --> 00:04:20,210 I'll tell you, sometimes they can be 118 00:04:20,244 --> 00:04:21,912 a real couple of you know whats. 119 00:04:21,946 --> 00:04:23,046 [bleep] ass[bleep]? 120 00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:25,148 You're preaching to the choir, Riyaz. 121 00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:28,252 Stimpy, don't you give me that look. 122 00:04:28,286 --> 00:04:30,787 You're gonna get it when your mama comes home. 123 00:04:30,822 --> 00:04:32,989 Oh, my, sounds like your wife is... 124 00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:35,792 Bitch on wheels. You got that straight, Riyaz. 125 00:04:35,827 --> 00:04:38,228 Hot little biscuit, though. 126 00:04:38,262 --> 00:04:39,563 Name's Claire. 127 00:04:39,597 --> 00:04:41,432 Body: ten, face: ten. 128 00:04:41,466 --> 00:04:45,203 So pretty much hit that every night. 129 00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:47,371 Sexually. 130 00:04:47,406 --> 00:04:49,474 Anyway, what's holding up the-- 131 00:04:49,508 --> 00:04:51,009 Oh, one moment. 132 00:04:51,043 --> 00:04:54,011 And how old is your son? 133 00:04:54,046 --> 00:04:57,382 - 15. - 15? 134 00:04:57,416 --> 00:05:00,018 And he still wants a Superman bed. 135 00:05:00,052 --> 00:05:03,021 Ah, a late-bloomer. 136 00:05:03,055 --> 00:05:05,290 Enjoy it while you still can. 137 00:05:05,324 --> 00:05:07,492 He'll grow out of the toys any day now. 138 00:05:07,526 --> 00:05:09,895 They all do, and, the second 139 00:05:09,929 --> 00:05:11,496 he starts hooking up with the girls, 140 00:05:11,531 --> 00:05:14,667 he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider-Man stuff. 141 00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,403 Pretty much seems like how it would happen. 142 00:05:17,438 --> 00:05:18,904 Maybe then he'll stop bothering me 143 00:05:18,939 --> 00:05:22,141 with all those stupid, little facts about how those characters 144 00:05:22,176 --> 00:05:24,277 you just named are clearly from two distinct 145 00:05:24,311 --> 00:05:26,379 and separate universes. 146 00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,980 Sadly, some people never move on. 147 00:05:28,014 --> 00:05:30,015 Sad? I got a better word for you. 148 00:05:30,049 --> 00:05:31,016 Pathetic. 149 00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:32,851 Well, I wouldn't say pathetic. 150 00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:36,221 Hey, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em, Riyaz, 151 00:05:36,255 --> 00:05:39,024 and I don'st tolerate nerds. 152 00:05:39,058 --> 00:05:40,926 In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick. 153 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,129 Stimpy, Stimpy, get back in here. 154 00:05:44,164 --> 00:05:45,731 - Well, I didn't mean to-- - There you are 155 00:05:45,765 --> 00:05:49,434 with your round body and your creepy-ass face. 156 00:05:49,469 --> 00:05:52,071 No more sweets for you, 'cause you're never gonna get laid 157 00:05:52,105 --> 00:05:53,872 if you keeps eating sweets! 158 00:05:53,907 --> 00:05:56,175 And another thing! 159 00:05:56,209 --> 00:06:00,179 All these figurines and toys you got around the house, 160 00:06:00,213 --> 00:06:01,780 we're throwing 'em in the trash, 161 00:06:01,814 --> 00:06:03,682 'cause they're not real people, Stimpy. 162 00:06:03,716 --> 00:06:06,885 They're not real people, so stop being so lonely. 163 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,255 Stop being so lonely. 164 00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:19,231 Well--and this is none of my business, of course, 165 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:25,237 but I was wondering if your son would like to talk to someone. 166 00:06:25,271 --> 00:06:26,972 (glass shattering) Oh, [bleep]! 167 00:06:27,006 --> 00:06:28,373 Stimpy just jumped out the window. 168 00:06:28,407 --> 00:06:30,741 - Oh, my God. - Oh, he killed himself. 169 00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:32,042 Why'd he do it? It must have been my fault. 170 00:06:32,076 --> 00:06:33,043 No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. 171 00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:34,210 I'm gonna call the cops. 172 00:06:34,245 --> 00:06:35,679 Don't you dare cancel that reorder. 173 00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:39,115 It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by. 174 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:45,655 (strains, then sighs) 175 00:06:48,954 --> 00:06:52,357 Hey, you remember the anti-drug advertisements? 176 00:06:52,391 --> 00:06:54,058 - Yes. - This is my favorite 177 00:06:54,093 --> 00:06:55,059 anti-drug ad. 178 00:06:55,094 --> 00:06:58,329 My favorite anti-drug ad was... 179 00:06:58,364 --> 00:07:00,698 "What is this? 180 00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:03,801 What is this, son?" (laughter) 181 00:07:03,835 --> 00:07:07,304 You know. "Found this in your room. 182 00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:10,507 "Marijuana! 183 00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,009 "Who taught you to do this?" 184 00:07:12,044 --> 00:07:15,480 "I learned it from watching you, dad!" 185 00:07:15,514 --> 00:07:20,585 (cheers and applause) 186 00:07:26,058 --> 00:07:28,125 If you're 14 and you see that, where I'm from, 187 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,760 You go, "That's the coolest dad in the world." 188 00:07:29,794 --> 00:07:32,563 That's the coolest dad. 189 00:07:32,597 --> 00:07:35,566 (techno music) 190 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,602 ♪ 191 00:07:38,636 --> 00:07:40,571 Nobody likes you, you girl. 192 00:07:40,605 --> 00:07:42,574 Well, you're a different color than me, 193 00:07:42,608 --> 00:07:43,975 and that's bad. 194 00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:45,978 Oh, yeah? Well, you dress like-- 195 00:07:46,012 --> 00:07:48,113 Now hold on a second! 196 00:07:48,148 --> 00:07:51,283 (both) Whoa! Mr. T? 197 00:07:51,317 --> 00:07:53,251 Never make fun of a way a man dresses. 198 00:07:53,286 --> 00:07:55,454 The way a man dresses is his business. 199 00:07:55,488 --> 00:07:57,089 Remember that. 200 00:07:57,123 --> 00:07:59,058 Whether it's overalls, chains, 201 00:07:59,092 --> 00:08:01,560 or feather earrings, however they dress, 202 00:08:01,595 --> 00:08:03,062 it's not to be joked about. 203 00:08:03,096 --> 00:08:08,567 I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing. 204 00:08:08,602 --> 00:08:09,935 I'm sorry I judged your clothing. 205 00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:12,438 It's okay. 206 00:08:12,472 --> 00:08:14,039 (upbeat music) 207 00:08:17,976 --> 00:08:20,511 Hey, Scout, there's a man over there 208 00:08:20,545 --> 00:08:22,546 who said he'll give us candy if we get in his van. 209 00:08:22,581 --> 00:08:25,215 Oh, I don't know If that's a good idea, Timmy. 210 00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:27,051 What are you afraid of? 211 00:08:27,085 --> 00:08:29,853 Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout? 212 00:08:29,888 --> 00:08:34,024 - Hey! - (both) Whoa! Mr. T again. 213 00:08:34,058 --> 00:08:35,592 Never make fun of a person's name. 214 00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:37,294 Your mama gave you that name, 215 00:08:37,328 --> 00:08:39,629 or you made it up for business purposes. 216 00:08:39,663 --> 00:08:41,663 Either way, it's personal. 217 00:08:41,698 --> 00:08:44,299 I pity the fool that make fun of another man's name. 218 00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:47,569 Mr. T's a cool name. It's a cool name, Mr. T. 219 00:08:47,603 --> 00:08:50,505 (upbeat music) 220 00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,110 Hey, Scout, want to do some drugs? 221 00:08:55,144 --> 00:08:57,745 Aren't drugs bad? 222 00:08:57,780 --> 00:09:00,014 I don't know. 223 00:09:03,352 --> 00:09:04,452 If you're afraid of drugs, 224 00:09:04,486 --> 00:09:07,154 we could drink a bunch of alcohol. 225 00:09:07,189 --> 00:09:09,757 Yum, that sounds good. 226 00:09:14,862 --> 00:09:17,965 Well, guess what, your hair is stupid. 227 00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,267 Never make fun of another person's hair! 228 00:09:20,302 --> 00:09:23,104 - (both) Hey, Mr. T. - A person's hair 229 00:09:23,138 --> 00:09:25,973 is the artwork that they present to the heavens. 230 00:09:26,007 --> 00:09:28,308 It's just like I've been saying... 231 00:09:28,343 --> 00:09:31,878 (upbeat music) 232 00:09:31,913 --> 00:09:33,113 ♪ 233 00:09:33,147 --> 00:09:35,582 (All) ♪ Hair 234 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,517 ♪ It isn't fair 235 00:09:37,552 --> 00:09:39,519 ♪ 236 00:09:39,553 --> 00:09:42,822 ♪ Beware 237 00:09:42,856 --> 00:09:44,857 ♪ People care About their hair ♪ 238 00:09:44,891 --> 00:09:47,793 ♪ 239 00:09:47,828 --> 00:09:51,063 ♪ "H" is for the home where I lay my head ♪ 240 00:09:51,097 --> 00:09:53,198 ♪ And I cry about your mean jokes ♪ 241 00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:54,767 ♪ in my bed 242 00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:58,203 ♪ "A" is for anxiety that fools provoke ♪ 243 00:09:58,237 --> 00:10:02,274 ♪ When they lookin' at my hair and they makin' jokes ♪ 244 00:10:02,308 --> 00:10:05,911 ♪ "I" is for I don't like the way I feel ♪ 245 00:10:05,945 --> 00:10:10,082 ♪ When you're jokin' that my haircut does not appeal ♪ 246 00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:13,251 ♪ "R" is for the real mean jokes you make ♪ 247 00:10:13,285 --> 00:10:18,223 ♪ And the hurtful little potshots that you take ♪ 248 00:10:18,257 --> 00:10:20,959 And, for your information, it's not even a haircut. 249 00:10:20,994 --> 00:10:24,630 It's a rare form of male pattern baldness. 250 00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:27,566 You fools! 251 00:10:32,038 --> 00:10:34,139 (sobs) 252 00:10:34,173 --> 00:10:36,374 (yells) 253 00:10:41,881 --> 00:10:42,880 For real. 254 00:10:42,915 --> 00:10:44,248 (upbeat music) 255 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,954 Dude, I got to tell you something. 256 00:10:50,989 --> 00:10:53,624 - What's up? - Last night on Showtimes, 257 00:10:53,658 --> 00:10:56,961 I saw some Lethal Weapon 2. 258 00:10:56,995 --> 00:11:00,564 Lethal Weapon 2 starring the racist-ass Melly Gibsons? 259 00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:03,735 I know, I know, but I got to tell you right up front 260 00:11:03,769 --> 00:11:06,037 and truthfully, 261 00:11:06,071 --> 00:11:08,774 racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still kind of my [bleep]. 262 00:11:13,612 --> 00:11:14,912 He's still my [bleep], dog. 263 00:11:14,946 --> 00:11:17,815 I don't know, dog, racist-ass Melly Gibsons? 264 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,083 Dude, I know, I know, but think about it, man. 265 00:11:19,118 --> 00:11:21,285 Think about it. remember when he jacked up 266 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,221 all them mutants into Road Warriors? 267 00:11:23,255 --> 00:11:24,723 Talkin' about... (imitates tires screeching) 268 00:11:24,757 --> 00:11:26,458 Bitch was like, "There's nothing in here but sand." 269 00:11:26,492 --> 00:11:28,193 - Yeah. - And then remember 270 00:11:28,227 --> 00:11:30,662 when he had taken that hatchet and chopped up 271 00:11:30,697 --> 00:11:33,465 all them Englands, remember, in The Patriot? 272 00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:35,434 And did it in front of all his kids. 273 00:11:35,468 --> 00:11:38,770 You know what, though? 274 00:11:38,804 --> 00:11:40,905 Racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still my [bleep] too. 275 00:11:40,939 --> 00:11:42,273 - Dog. - Remember when racist-ass 276 00:11:42,307 --> 00:11:44,908 Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group in Bravehearts? 277 00:11:44,942 --> 00:11:46,076 - Oh, my God, dogs. - They was chopping off 278 00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,344 my man's head. (murmurs) 279 00:11:47,378 --> 00:11:48,845 My man was still talking about... 280 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,480 (both) freedom! 281 00:11:50,515 --> 00:11:51,849 (hisses) 282 00:11:51,883 --> 00:11:53,784 Or what about Conspiracy Theories, though? 283 00:11:53,818 --> 00:11:55,919 - What? Oh, come on, man. - What the [bleep] 284 00:11:55,954 --> 00:11:57,521 about Conspiracy Theories, though? 285 00:11:57,555 --> 00:12:00,491 What the [bleep] about Conspiracy Theories, though? 286 00:12:00,525 --> 00:12:03,327 - What is going on? - (imitates gunshot) 287 00:12:03,362 --> 00:12:04,495 - Come on. - You know racist-ass 288 00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,097 - Melly Gibsons be directing too. - Hells, yeah. 289 00:12:06,131 --> 00:12:09,667 - What about Apocalypto? - yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons 290 00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:11,669 be telling the story of a bunch of crazy-ass, 291 00:12:11,704 --> 00:12:12,937 old-fashioned Mexicans? 292 00:12:12,972 --> 00:12:13,972 who have been in the jungle 293 00:12:14,006 --> 00:12:15,740 getting chased by a panther. 294 00:12:15,774 --> 00:12:17,108 - Yeah, yeah. - My man's straight up going... 295 00:12:17,142 --> 00:12:18,776 - (whistling) - (imitating drums) 296 00:12:18,811 --> 00:12:21,613 - (hissing) - (screams softly) 297 00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:24,015 Man, and what about that Passions of the Christ, though? 298 00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:25,116 Passions of the Christ, though. 299 00:12:25,151 --> 00:12:26,351 Passions of the Christ. 300 00:12:26,385 --> 00:12:27,552 Passions of the Christ where racist-ass 301 00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:28,720 Melly Gibsons made that movie about Jesus 302 00:12:28,754 --> 00:12:30,155 in a kind of racist-ass way? 303 00:12:30,189 --> 00:12:31,222 - That was my jam. - And you know 304 00:12:31,257 --> 00:12:32,524 what I just realized, though? 305 00:12:32,558 --> 00:12:33,758 What's that, dog? What's that? 306 00:12:33,793 --> 00:12:34,960 You know what would be my [bleep]? 307 00:12:34,994 --> 00:12:36,428 What would be your [bleep], though? 308 00:12:36,462 --> 00:12:38,030 If racist-ass Melly Gibsons 309 00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:40,966 costarred in a movie with Jesus. 310 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,935 Wait, now you talking about the savior of all? 311 00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,371 The King of all Kings? The Alpha and the Omega? 312 00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:48,807 And Jesus. 313 00:12:48,841 --> 00:12:51,342 (both) That would be my... 314 00:12:51,377 --> 00:12:56,147 ♪ [bleep] 315 00:12:56,181 --> 00:12:59,385 (rumbling) 316 00:12:59,419 --> 00:13:01,354 (heavenly tone) 317 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,150 (soul music) 318 00:13:05,339 --> 00:13:07,540 For this segment, we're not gonna have 319 00:13:07,574 --> 00:13:09,408 a big, huge preamble here. 320 00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:13,446 I just simply want to say that this scene, 321 00:13:13,481 --> 00:13:15,715 this offering if you will, 322 00:13:15,749 --> 00:13:18,417 is for the ladies. 323 00:13:18,452 --> 00:13:21,287 (cheers and applause) 324 00:13:21,321 --> 00:13:23,122 - What up, homies? - Welcome to... 325 00:13:23,157 --> 00:13:24,724 - (both) Cunnilingus class. - I'm Shaboots Michaels. 326 00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:26,159 I'm T-Ray Tombstone. 327 00:13:26,194 --> 00:13:27,327 And we're here to teach y'all how to... 328 00:13:27,362 --> 00:13:28,862 (both) go down on bitches right. 329 00:13:28,896 --> 00:13:30,363 Now bitches ain't being satisfied, so check it. 330 00:13:30,398 --> 00:13:32,132 Quit sucking on that [bleep] so damn hard. 331 00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:33,500 Bitches don't like that nonsense. 332 00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:34,768 That's like putting the tip 333 00:13:34,802 --> 00:13:36,069 of your penis in the vacuum. 334 00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,272 - Y'all need to... - (both) chill on the [bleep]. 335 00:13:38,306 --> 00:13:40,407 - Go around that business. - That's like a button 336 00:13:40,442 --> 00:13:41,776 made of a million penis tops. 337 00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:43,444 Now every bitch like her cunnilingus 338 00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:45,513 - a little bit different. - Vaginas are like snowflakes. 339 00:13:45,547 --> 00:13:47,815 Snowflakes is different. Learn your bitch's snowflake. 340 00:13:47,849 --> 00:13:49,249 Ask your bitch what she wants. 341 00:13:49,284 --> 00:13:50,985 (both) Then do what she says. 342 00:13:51,019 --> 00:13:52,219 Some bitches like it in circles. 343 00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:53,287 Some bitches like it up and down. 344 00:13:53,321 --> 00:13:54,655 Some bitches like it hard. 345 00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:55,923 Some bitches like it soft. 346 00:13:55,957 --> 00:13:58,025 (both) Communicate with your bitches. 347 00:13:58,059 --> 00:13:59,293 Make the alphabet with your tongue. 348 00:13:59,327 --> 00:14:01,628 A-B-C-D... 349 00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:02,796 And when she grab your hair 350 00:14:02,830 --> 00:14:04,097 like she gonna pull your damn head off... 351 00:14:04,132 --> 00:14:06,000 (both) stay with that letter. 352 00:14:06,034 --> 00:14:08,803 I'm talking about B... (blathers) 353 00:14:08,837 --> 00:14:10,670 or D... (blathers) 354 00:14:10,705 --> 00:14:12,672 (both) Vaginas deserve respect. 355 00:14:12,706 --> 00:14:14,207 You don't want someone slapping around 356 00:14:14,241 --> 00:14:16,876 your little homey. (yelping) 357 00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:18,144 - You with the hat. - Yo. 358 00:14:18,178 --> 00:14:19,512 How you like your BJs? 359 00:14:19,547 --> 00:14:22,181 Damn, dog, all the time. 360 00:14:22,216 --> 00:14:23,816 Shut the [bleep] up! 361 00:14:23,851 --> 00:14:25,118 That's 'cause penises is easy, 362 00:14:25,152 --> 00:14:26,219 and vaginas is hard. 363 00:14:26,253 --> 00:14:28,821 - They're... - (both) confusing! 364 00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:31,291 Imagine there's an explosion at the envelope factory. 365 00:14:31,325 --> 00:14:32,992 Flaps everywhere. A world of flaps. 366 00:14:33,027 --> 00:14:35,161 And you need to lick your way out the factory. 367 00:14:35,195 --> 00:14:36,863 But every bitch's flaps is different. 368 00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,564 Learn your bitch's particular flaps. 369 00:14:38,599 --> 00:14:41,100 - Flaps be... - (both) crazy! 370 00:14:41,134 --> 00:14:42,735 Every flap need to be listened to. 371 00:14:42,769 --> 00:14:44,384 And then you will get out of that factory alive. 372 00:14:44,456 --> 00:14:45,404 Stay down there. 373 00:14:45,439 --> 00:14:48,207 (both) Plan your breathing like your swimming. 374 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:50,243 - You gotta be talking about... - (both) stroke, stroke, breathe. 375 00:14:50,277 --> 00:14:51,678 Stroke, stroke, breathe. 376 00:14:51,712 --> 00:14:53,513 (gasping) 377 00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:54,914 All right. Let's take a five-minute break. 378 00:14:54,949 --> 00:14:56,215 And when we come back, we gonna talk 379 00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:57,450 about warming your bitches up before you get busy. 380 00:14:57,484 --> 00:14:59,218 And how to last for more than two damn minutes. 381 00:14:59,253 --> 00:15:00,653 Take a peach and practice. 382 00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:01,954 - Practice on a peach. - Take a peach and practice. 383 00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,322 - Practice on a peach. - Take a peach and practice. 384 00:15:03,356 --> 00:15:05,358 - Practice on a peach. 385 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:13,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 386 00:15:14,635 --> 00:15:17,604 Well, I think it's gonna work. 387 00:15:17,639 --> 00:15:21,007 30 down, 3 billion to go. 388 00:15:21,042 --> 00:15:24,077 (maniacal laughter) 389 00:15:27,519 --> 00:15:31,321 (upbeat music) 390 00:15:31,356 --> 00:15:32,923 Welcome to Metta World News. 391 00:15:32,957 --> 00:15:35,826 Our top story-- ninja costumes don't come 392 00:15:35,861 --> 00:15:38,429 in size triple-X, which is discriminatory 393 00:15:38,463 --> 00:15:41,231 against enormous assassins. 394 00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:45,168 Do you know what? Forget about the teleprompter. 395 00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:47,670 I need to speak from the heart. 396 00:15:47,705 --> 00:15:49,439 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 397 00:15:49,473 --> 00:15:51,541 for this Wednesday, May Staple Gun Hairbrush. 398 00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,577 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 399 00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,568 I made this mistake in the past. 400 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:06,673 If there's any question whether a woman's pregnant or not, 401 00:16:06,707 --> 00:16:08,742 just don't say [bleep] about it. 402 00:16:08,776 --> 00:16:10,644 This is what happened to me. Just be the woman. 403 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,212 (hums) Hey, Jordan. 404 00:16:12,246 --> 00:16:14,147 I said, "Oh, congratulations." 405 00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:15,949 Congratulations for what? 406 00:16:15,983 --> 00:16:18,351 (laughs) 407 00:16:18,385 --> 00:16:20,687 (laughter) 408 00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:23,724 Hoo-hoo. 409 00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:25,192 And now I'm at the point where, I don't care 410 00:16:25,227 --> 00:16:26,393 how many signals I get, 411 00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:28,996 I just won't even say anything. 412 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,697 (breathing heavily) 413 00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,634 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you. 414 00:16:33,668 --> 00:16:35,202 (laughter) 415 00:16:35,237 --> 00:16:38,372 - It's contractions now. - Yeah, I got some gas myself. 416 00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:40,707 (laughter) 417 00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:43,844 - Oh, God. - I'm gonna sit down with you. 418 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,913 - Oh! - I'm gonna sit down with you. 419 00:16:45,947 --> 00:16:49,083 - (yelling) - Me and you are-- 420 00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:50,251 - Oh, that is... - (imitating baby crying) 421 00:16:50,286 --> 00:16:52,721 Looks like, but I can't be sure... 422 00:16:52,756 --> 00:16:54,590 I can't be sure. 423 00:16:54,625 --> 00:16:55,925 Mwah. 424 00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:57,627 Okay, that's clearly a child. 425 00:16:57,661 --> 00:16:59,028 Congratulations on your pregnancy. 426 00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,230 - I'm not pregnant. What the-- - What the-- 427 00:17:01,265 --> 00:17:03,066 (laughter) 428 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,901 (cheers and applause) 429 00:17:04,935 --> 00:17:05,935 Thank you, sir. 430 00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:08,137 All right. 431 00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:11,408 All right, how's everybody-- How's everybody doing? 432 00:17:11,442 --> 00:17:12,409 (cheers) 433 00:17:12,443 --> 00:17:13,610 All right, and you guys 434 00:17:13,644 --> 00:17:15,344 - can all hear me okay? - (all) Yeah. 435 00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:16,746 I know this guy can right here. 436 00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:18,347 Boy, this guy's ears are so big, 437 00:17:18,381 --> 00:17:19,848 He's laughing at jokes from the Yuk-Yuk Club 438 00:17:19,883 --> 00:17:21,150 all the way on the other side of town. 439 00:17:21,184 --> 00:17:22,585 (laughter) 440 00:17:22,619 --> 00:17:23,853 All right. 441 00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:25,588 And you, sir, you're doing okay? 442 00:17:25,622 --> 00:17:27,424 And you're getting enough to eat? 443 00:17:27,458 --> 00:17:28,725 Is that even possible? 444 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,327 (laughter) 445 00:17:30,362 --> 00:17:31,562 Thank you, sir. 446 00:17:31,596 --> 00:17:32,630 Folks, I'm sorry, 447 00:17:32,664 --> 00:17:33,797 I'm gonna get everybody tonight. 448 00:17:33,832 --> 00:17:36,133 Nobody is safe. I'm getting everybody. 449 00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,934 Except for you, sir. I'm gonna leave you alone. 450 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:40,771 Just like your date did tonight. Hello! 451 00:17:40,805 --> 00:17:42,072 Huh? All right. 452 00:17:42,107 --> 00:17:43,674 Okay, who's next? 453 00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:47,144 Who is next? 454 00:17:51,215 --> 00:17:56,554 Hey, ma'am, I get it, you have breasts, okay? 455 00:17:56,588 --> 00:17:57,688 Jeez, I mean, look at this chick over here. 456 00:17:57,723 --> 00:17:59,123 Her cleavage is giving the Grand Canyon 457 00:17:59,158 --> 00:18:00,992 an inferiority complex. 458 00:18:01,027 --> 00:18:03,895 (laughter) 459 00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:06,898 (computerized voice) You skipped me. 460 00:18:06,932 --> 00:18:08,499 Who's talking right now? 461 00:18:08,533 --> 00:18:10,567 Do me. 462 00:18:10,602 --> 00:18:12,736 Yeah, hey, man. 463 00:18:12,771 --> 00:18:15,206 Look at that pink shirt you got on there. 464 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:19,877 Wow, where'd you get that? Queertshirts.com? 465 00:18:19,912 --> 00:18:24,215 It's in support Of breast cancer awareness. 466 00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,750 I am gay, though. 467 00:18:26,785 --> 00:18:27,818 Okay. 468 00:18:27,852 --> 00:18:28,919 Go for it. 469 00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:31,288 I can take it. 470 00:18:31,322 --> 00:18:34,190 Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah. 471 00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:36,926 No, hey, yeah, don't you worry about that, man. 472 00:18:36,961 --> 00:18:38,328 Gloves are coming off. 473 00:18:38,362 --> 00:18:41,365 Okay. 474 00:18:41,399 --> 00:18:44,802 Right there, right there, what's with the three drinks, man? 475 00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:46,971 Alcoholic much? 476 00:18:47,005 --> 00:18:49,507 This is my pain medication. 477 00:18:49,541 --> 00:18:51,909 Of [bleep] course it is. 478 00:18:51,943 --> 00:18:53,777 It's your pain medication. 479 00:18:53,812 --> 00:18:58,350 'cause he is in pain. 480 00:18:58,384 --> 00:19:00,085 Right now. 481 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,623 Make fun of the burns. 482 00:19:04,657 --> 00:19:06,558 Make fun of the-- What did you say? 483 00:19:06,593 --> 00:19:10,496 Because here's the problem, sir, is it's really dark in here, 484 00:19:10,530 --> 00:19:12,464 and, sorry, are you burned? Because I can't make it out. 485 00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,266 Thanks so much, ma'am, for illuminating him. 486 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,569 Thank you. That's--I appreciate that. 487 00:19:17,604 --> 00:19:21,874 - Oh, those burns. - Make fun of the robot voice. 488 00:19:21,908 --> 00:19:23,943 Sir, I don't know. 489 00:19:23,977 --> 00:19:25,445 Come on, I can take it. 490 00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:27,481 Okay, well, no, You know what? 491 00:19:27,515 --> 00:19:28,949 - I feel-- - Or the wheelchair. 492 00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:31,818 Look, sir, there is nothing funny 493 00:19:31,852 --> 00:19:33,553 about you being in a wheelchair, 494 00:19:33,587 --> 00:19:35,755 - and we can all-- - Oh, but there is something 495 00:19:35,789 --> 00:19:38,357 funny about me being fat? 496 00:19:38,391 --> 00:19:39,825 - All right. All right, fine. 497 00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,093 Fine. I've got it. I've got it. 498 00:19:41,128 --> 00:19:42,561 I'm doing it. I'm doing it. 499 00:19:42,596 --> 00:19:43,963 I just didn't want to go after this guy 500 00:19:43,997 --> 00:19:48,501 'cause I didn't want him to kill me in my dreams. 501 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,203 Like Freddy Krueger. 502 00:19:50,237 --> 00:19:51,504 (exclamations) 503 00:19:51,539 --> 00:19:52,806 Come on. 504 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,507 'cause--no? 505 00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:58,544 You know, 'cause how Freddy Krueger's face is burned off. 506 00:19:58,579 --> 00:20:00,981 That's not... 507 00:20:01,015 --> 00:20:04,017 (sobs) 508 00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:15,061 - You ass[bleep]. - He said he could take it. 509 00:20:15,095 --> 00:20:16,129 That's what he said. 510 00:20:16,163 --> 00:20:18,598 I thought I could, but I can't. 511 00:20:18,632 --> 00:20:20,100 How is this on me? 512 00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:22,268 How do we even know if he's crying right now? 513 00:20:22,303 --> 00:20:25,237 (all booing) 514 00:20:25,272 --> 00:20:27,106 I don't know that sound. 515 00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:29,574 It just sounds like an electronic sound. 516 00:20:29,609 --> 00:20:33,345 The tears, they burn. 517 00:20:33,379 --> 00:20:37,482 He said he could take it. He s-- 518 00:20:37,516 --> 00:20:39,917 (cheers and applause) 519 00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:44,222 Fellows, gentlemen, it's time for you to go home 520 00:20:44,257 --> 00:20:45,357 and practice on a peach. 521 00:20:45,391 --> 00:20:46,558 Take a peach and practice. 522 00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,260 (both) Take a peach and practice. 523 00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:49,895 - There you go. - There's a peach for you. 524 00:20:49,929 --> 00:20:51,229 - Take a peach and practice. - Peach. 525 00:20:51,264 --> 00:20:54,599 - Peach. - Got one? Got one? 526 00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:57,410 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 527 00:20:57,492 --> 00:20:59,459 Oh, yeah. 527 00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:06,674 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org