Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a moment to save the children?
I'm sorry, man. I'm-- I'm running late,
and I just don't have time to chat right now, so...
I understand that. I understand that.
It's just that, every minute, another child
dies unnecessarily, a child who could live
a fruitful life with the help of just one small donation.
Yeah, I'm-- I don't have the time.
- I'm sorry. - I understand that.
It's just, all it takes is $1 to save a child.
All right. You know what?
Fine, you're right. Yup.
Who doesn't want to help a child?
Let's save five children.
Tommy!
All right, come on, come on, come on.
One, two, three, four, five.
Not so fast. Just five.
- Thanks a lot, sir. - Help!
Help! Help!
Oh, my God. I have another dollar.
Sir, I have another dollar.
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com
Like one time, I was in church,
and I was talking to an elderly friend
of my mother's at the time,
very classy lady, very decorous.
- And-- - "Decorous"?
Decorous. It means proper,
a person who does everything proper.
Mm-hmm. I know.
And, um...
I was talking,
and in the middle of a sentence, unbeknownst to me,
I dropped an f-bomb.
In church. In church,
after church, before social period,
we about to go get some coffee and donuts up in this boinks.
I'm talking to my girl.
- What'd you say? - She shall remain name--
I don't remember. I don't remember.
- I just remember talking about-- - You're just like,
"I'm gonna get some fucking-- fucking communion."
And that's--
Happy Sunday, Esther.
Happy Sunday, Georgina.
How was your week?
- Oh, the Lord is with me. - Mm-hmm.
But the Devil,
he got his hands on my grandniece Grace.
- Oh, no. - Mm-hmm.
Out there smoking the reefer, doing the hanky-panky with boys.
No, Georgina.
Oh, Esther, you know
that I love all things that are good and holy.
- Mm-hmm. - But if he doesn't let go
of my grandniece Grace,
I'm gonna cut the Devil's dick off
and shove it in his ass.
Mm-hmm.
- With my prayers. - I know you will, Georgina.
I know you will.
How was your week, girl?
Oh, you know me.
I'm blessed and thankful for everything.
Mm-hmm. All right.
But you know my grandson Jason got hisself wrapped up
in the leathery claws of Satan.
- Not Jason. - He got hisself arrested
for the spray-painting and the vandalism.
Oh, Lord.
And I tell you, I never
raise my hand in anger,
but if he don't let Jason go,
I'm gonna punch that nigga Satan in the nuts so hard,
it wipe the dick-licking smirk off his horned-ass face.
Mm-hmm.
- With my prayers. - Amen.
I know you will, Esther, I know you will,
but Esther, I gotta tell you something else, now.
Mmm, let it out.
You know, Esther,
that I have found serenity in the glory of Heaven.
Yes.
But my daughter's husband Bernard
has got himself wedged
between the cleft hooves of Lucifer hisself.
- Mmm. - She opened up
his laptop computer
and found the pornography of women.
Not the pornography of women.
Absolutely the pornography of women.
Not on the laptop computer.
On the laptop computer found the pornography of women.
Mmm.
I am a pacifist under God's request,
but if he don't let go of Bernard,
I'm gonna sneak up on that bitch-ass Lucifer
right in the midst of his sleep time.
- Oh. - And then I'm gonna sit
on that motherfucker's head,
and I'm gonna spread my booty cheeks on that pig's face,
and I'm gonna just pucker up my stank hole...
Whoo.
And just toops, toops, toops,
scoops, bedoop-scoop-scoop-skedoops
until that nigga got a brown dot on his nose
that I can use for target practice.
Sha-plow!
- Shoot that. - Sha-plow!
- Shoot that! - Sha-plow!
- Whoo, shoot that nigga in the shit-nack.
With my prayers.
With your prayers, of course, of course.
Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup?
Oh, I got nothing but faith in God and Heaven above,
but I tell you, my son's wife Crystal,
she got herself wrapped up in the fiery wings
of Mephistopheles hisself.
Here we go.
You know, she got caught using profanity with her own children.
- What? - At the dinner table.
Oh, Lord, child, child.
Georgina Darlene Martin!
Oh, I have nothing but love for every creature on this planet,
but if he don't let my darling Crystal go,
- I'm gonna flirt with the devil. - Oh. Oh.
Show him a little bit of shoulder.
"How you doin'?"
He gonna start looking away, I'm gonna start twerking.
Start twerking, he gonna be like, "Whoo."
He gonna be, he gonna be drawn in.
Mm-hmm.
Seduce that little motherfucker.
Give him one of these. "Hi."
Batting my eyelashes at him.
Then when he least expects it,
and I got his trust, that's when I'm gonna ride that nigga.
I'm gonna give him the night of his life,
a night he ain't never gonna forget.
- Go get him. - I'm gonna give him this way.
I'm gonna give him that way.
And then, right when he about to climax,
that's when I'm gonna clench up my pussy
on that motherfucker's red dick,
and I'm gonna snap that nigga cock off
with a divine kegel.
Well, you gonna snap that nigga dick off.
- Whoo! - Snap it off! Whoo!
- With my prayers. - With your prayers.
- With my prayers.
Of course. With the prayers, yeah.
- But that's right, girl. - Yes.
- You go get him, Esther! - Yes!
- Fuck Satan! - Fuck him!
- Fuck him in the--
Wha-- What's happening, Georgina?
Georgina isn't here anymore.
It is I, Satan.
Ah!
Ah! No, Esther!
- I'm in here, though! - Oh!
I'm kicking this nigga's ass.
Yeah!
Oh, help me. Somebody help me.
I ca-- can't get out of this bitch.
Oh, get him, Georgina! Get him!
I stuck a safety pin
in this nigga's urethra.
- Ooh! - Oww!
Fuck! That hurts!
Right now I got his dick
in my hands like a old rag.
I'm wringing out! I'm wringing it out!
Oh, give me some of that.
I want a piece of him, yes.
Tag me in.
Who is this crazy bitch, now?
Ah, it's me, motherfucker!
Your worst nightmare, bitch!
- Shoot that motherfucker! - That's right.
I'm on top of you. I'm on top of him.
What's going on?
This feels good. Why would you do this to me?
Oh, you'll see in a second,
- motherfucker. - Just wait, motherfucker.
Oh, I'm waiting, but oh, here I cum.
Here I cum.
Here you go, ha!
Grabbed it! Snap!
- Ooh! - Ooh, I got him good.
I'll do anything you say.
Too late now. Too late now, Satan.
Oh, shh. We should probably go.
Oh, yeah, let's go, let's go.
We don't want to disturb the service.
Ooh, I got a hold of him.
I'm gonna-- We gonna go medieval on his ass.
No, no! Oh, lordy! I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Get over here, mister.
Please, please!
Get these crazy bitches off of me.
Jesus Christ is my personal Lord and savior, I swear.
You're too late for that now.
"Been trying to reach out to you all day.
Are we on for tonight?"
Jeez.
What? You can't catch me.
I'm Lance Moore. Touchdown, bitch.
What? Pause.
Oh, shoot.
Keegan's been texting me.
"Sorry, dude, missed your texts.
"I assumed we'd meet at the bar.
"Whatever. I don't care."
"Sorry, dude, missed your texts.
"I assumed we'd meet at the bar.
"Whatever. I don't care."
"Whatever. I don't care"?
What the fuck is his problem?
"Do you even want to hang out?"
Oh, that's considerate.
"Like I said, whatever."
"Like I said, whatever"?
Fuck this guy.
Jesus, "You..."
"...are fucking priceless."
Aww. "You're the..."
"...one who's fucking priceless"?
This m--
This motherfucker right here.
Oh, he wants to-- okay, mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
"You want to go..."
"right now?"
Hmm.
Guess I could do that.
"Okay..."
"Okay, let's go"?
He said oka-- "Okay, let's go"?
All right, you know what?
You know what? "You want to really..."
"...do this now?" Keegan, you nut.
You're not putting me out.
"Fuck yeah, let's do it"?
Oh, you fucking asshole!
"First round's mine."
Oh, no! Oh, no!
There ain't gonna be no rounds, asshole!
It's gonna be a fucking street fight!
This son of a--
♪ 'cause tonight we gonna party and the party don't stop ♪
You!
Buddy!
Like I said, first round's mine.
A beer and a gimlet for my partner right--
What's that?
Uh, I-I got you a baseball bat with nails in it.
For my post-apocalyptic Jackie Robinson costume.
How did you know?
I'm gonna try to freestyle for a second.
Yup, yup.
Off the top of the dome.
Break it down.
♪ Witness violence every day
♪ Wake up in the morning
♪ Bullets flying by my head
♪ Without any warning
♪ I live in the pressure cooker the most urbanest of jungles ♪
♪ Mr. Bungle
I can't really get Mr. Bungle.
- Let's just stop. - You want to stop?
I shouldn't be saying Mr. Bungle in that.
It's Friday night. Make some noise!
Aw, yeah!
Put your motherfucking hands in the air.
Aw, yeah! Put 'em up.
If you cool like a pimp, put your hands up.
'cause you're an actual pimp, put your hands up.
If you own a bunch of women, put your hands up.
If you gonna hit it all night, put your hands up.
Yeah, all right.
If you maintain an erection for 12 hours,
put your hands up.
Whoo!
Without the benefit of Viagra,
put your hands up.
If you a real-life player, put your hands up.
What? Yeah.
If you abuse women's trust, put your hands up.
If you treat them like objects, put your hands up.
If you a real-life gangster, put your hands up.
If you kill other people, put your hands up.
If you the biggest boss here, put your hands up.
If you run an actual drug ring, put your hands up.
If you just realized that you're full of shit,
put your hands up.
All right.
Third time's the charm.
♪ All of my life, I've crushed dreams and crushed bitches ♪
♪ No one ever has come to me without leaving in stitches ♪
♪ I'm a monster
♪ I grant wishes
♪ Like a genie, I dream of Jeannie ♪
♪ I'm a meanie
Why does it always just go--
I don't know. You keep getting--
You-- you're doing really well,
and then you get in this TV reference.
Yeah, that's what's doing me.
And it's-- it's the tough part.
Welcome to Papard Mattress Liquidators.
How can I help you today?
I need to buy a new bed.
Okay. Yeah, good, good.
You came to the right place. I'll be more than happy
to help you with that. Uh...
What size you need? A full, queen, king?
- Queen. - Queen, oh.
- We got a big sel-- - And just so you know,
it needs to be sturdy.
All right.
Shit gets kind of crazy in my room.
Oh, okay.
I got you, brother.
I got you.
Well, this posturepedic mattress we got right here,
this is extremely comfortable
and, uh... durable.
Do you mind if I try it?
No, not at all. Go ahead.
I should also mention, there's 100% money-back guarantee on--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who got that good "D"?
I got that good "D"!
Yeah! Yeah!
No, it's too hard.
Do you have anything softer?
Um...
Of course.
This-- This is one of our, um, natural latex mattresses.
It's on sale, too, today, at $1,200.
Can I try it?
Sure.
Who got that good "D"?
I got that good "D"!
Who got that good "D"? I got that good "D"!
It seems a little pricey.
Okay. No, it's a little pricey.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
But, uh, no problem. We got other choices.
Um...
This a great memory foam mattress, right here.
It's a little cheaper, and--
Can I try it out?
Right. Right, yeah.
I mean, of course, of course you want to try.
You know how it goes.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Coming up on them late nights.
Aye! Aye! Boom, boom, boom, boom!
"Yes! Si, papi! Si, papi! Si, papi!"
Yeah, man, right.
Yeah, man. Um...
Sex happens.
Yip!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who got that good "D"? I got that good "D"!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who got that good "D"?
I got that good "D"!
Oh! Oh, here it comes!
Here it comes! Here it comes!
Hoo-ah!
Yup, that's the one.
- I'll take it. - Okay, let me ring you up.
Aye! Aye! Aye!
Who got that good "D"? I got that good "D"!
Aye, papi!
Who got that good "D"? I got that good "D"!
Si, papi!
Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
Who got that good "D"? I got that good "D"!
Thank you.
- Mike. - Brody.
Yeah. Hey, how are you, man?
- What's up, man? - Good to see you.
Hey, I'm glad I ran into you.
What is that joke that you told recently at the office?
Everybody is just, like, giggling about it all the time,
and I haven't heard it yet.
Oh, gosh.
Okay. Um...
- All right, it goes like this. - Yeah.
So, there's this woman, and--
- Okay. - I'm sorry!
Good audience.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I love it already.
Awesome. Okay.
Well, this should go well. Um...
So there's-- there's a woman, and she goes to her doctor.
She goes to her doctor! It's already funny.
No, I haven't even gotten to the setup yet.
So, she goes to her doctor, and she, um...
She says to her doctor, "Kiss me."
No, that's not it.
That's not it. That-- That's not the punch line.
You got to stop already.
You're killing me over here.
Oh, you--
I don't know if you think the joke is over, but it's not.
It's actually just starting.
Okay. So I'm gonna--
I'm just gonna speed up.
So she says to her doctor, "Kiss me,"
and he says, "I can't. It would be unprofessional."
No. No, not even close.
She says-- he says, "That would be unprofessional,"
and then she says, she keeps asking him,
and he says, "No, no, no."
Happens three times like that.
Finally, at the end, she says,
"Kiss me," and he says,
"I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."
Then what happens?
I don't--I don't know.
Then, I guess she-- she probably sued him
for malpractice?
Sued him for malpractice.
So you know that wasn't-- that wasn't the punch line?
That wasn't the punch line?
- No. The punch-- - There's more?
No, there's not.
There's not more.
There's more to the joke?
No, there-- there's actually less.
Well, that's it! You turned it around!
- No, there's-- - You turned it around!
- The joke-- - He said less!
- The joke was-- - There can't be less.
The punch line was the only part that you didn't laugh at.
What the fuck?
- You got me! - You got me.
You were doing a joke the whole time!
You were doing a weird character the whole time.
Oh, my God, yes. Yes.
I love the malpractice stuff.
The malpractice punch line is hilarious.
So you weren't doing a character?
- What charact-- What character? - Okay.
This is some crazy shit.
Hey, yo, did you ever hear my theory
about flying, though?
Mm-mm.
The reason you have to jerk off before you fly--
Who does? What?
Everybody jerks off before they fly.
I think you need to look up the word "everybody."
Well, look. Okay.
Maybe...
you're an exception to the rule,
but I'm fairly certain that everybody else
gets massive boners or whatever and jerks off--
I'm sorry. Gets massive boners
- before they get on the plane? - Yeah.
I think there's a physiological reason.
You're about to fly. You might die.
Your body knows you might die.
It's like going off to war.
You need to get that sperm out.
Propagate the species.
Just like right before this trip.
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com