1 00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:23,954 Man-- Forget this fool, man. He's fronting. 2 00:00:24,073 --> 00:00:27,741 Ain't no one here scared of you, you fake-ass gangster. 3 00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:32,746 Get your fake ass up out of here! 4 00:00:32,882 --> 00:00:37,301 You were scared for, like, a minute, though. 5 00:00:37,419 --> 00:00:39,005 This [bleep] eating his gun. 6 00:00:54,436 --> 00:00:56,487 What you looking at? 7 00:01:20,258 --> 00:01:23,542 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 8 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:27,184 Oh, my God. 9 00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:31,054 My mother is candid to a fault. 10 00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:33,390 I had a girlfriend in college, 11 00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:37,116 and she's like, "Well, have you had sex with that young woman?" 12 00:01:37,238 --> 00:01:40,137 Mother, I'd really rather not talk about it, if you don't mind. 13 00:01:40,209 --> 00:01:41,428 "Have you had sex-- I'm asking." 14 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,617 "Well, my concern is that if she is a virgin 15 00:01:43,702 --> 00:01:46,737 and that-- you know, sometimes that can be painful." 16 00:01:46,822 --> 00:01:49,373 - Mother. - This is... 17 00:01:49,491 --> 00:01:52,409 "All I'm saying is, do you go around back? 18 00:01:52,494 --> 00:01:54,211 I'm asking you, do you go around the back?" 19 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:55,212 No, Mom, I don't. 20 00:01:55,331 --> 00:01:56,663 I don't go around back. 21 00:01:57,054 --> 00:02:00,088 "Well, it's a surefire way to not get preggies." 22 00:02:00,122 --> 00:02:02,577 "Yep, as long as she's fine with it." 23 00:02:02,681 --> 00:02:03,554 Really? 24 00:02:03,593 --> 00:02:05,461 She just wants to open up the communication. 25 00:02:05,479 --> 00:02:07,929 It's-- I don't-- I don't want to open up anything. 26 00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:11,299 "And maybe--maybe that'll feel better for your peepee." 27 00:02:11,418 --> 00:02:12,300 Oh, God, please. 28 00:02:12,368 --> 00:02:14,001 "What kind of lube do you use?" 29 00:02:14,086 --> 00:02:16,617 Mother, nobody wants to talk about this at all. 30 00:02:19,671 --> 00:02:20,988 What you think it is? 31 00:02:21,073 --> 00:02:22,823 - Hey, what's up, y'all? - Ooh, dude! 32 00:02:23,108 --> 00:02:24,138 Hey, what you guys playing? 33 00:02:24,193 --> 00:02:25,839 Oh, nothing. Just a little DVD, right? 34 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:26,993 - Mm-hmm. - What DVD? 35 00:02:27,079 --> 00:02:28,495 Uh, it came for you in the mail. 36 00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:31,915 It says, "To my fresh, dope son from MC Mom." 37 00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:35,001 - I can't wait to see it. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 38 00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:36,419 Hey, whoa! 39 00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:37,671 - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - No, please, guys, guys. 40 00:02:37,806 --> 00:02:39,256 If there's one thing we're gonna do today, 41 00:02:39,341 --> 00:02:40,473 we are playing that DVD. 42 00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:42,058 Come on. 43 00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:44,177 - Come on, man. - Oh, yeah. 44 00:02:44,263 --> 00:02:45,345 Oh, yes. 45 00:02:45,430 --> 00:02:47,347 Oh, God. Please, man. 46 00:02:47,432 --> 00:02:49,015 Did you produce this track? No, no, sit down. 47 00:02:49,151 --> 00:02:51,651 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 48 00:02:51,737 --> 00:02:54,571 Yo. 49 00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:55,939 - Got on the mom jeans. - Whoo! 50 00:02:56,024 --> 00:02:57,324 Look at the sweater. Look at the sweater. 51 00:02:57,409 --> 00:02:59,776 ♪ I'm the M to the C to the m-o-m ♪ 52 00:02:59,861 --> 00:03:01,328 ♪ And when it comes to mom rappers ♪ 53 00:03:01,413 --> 00:03:02,913 ♪ I'm the biggity best of them ♪ 54 00:03:03,031 --> 00:03:05,615 - Wow. - She-- Is she rapping? 55 00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:08,251 ♪ I'm sending out this rhyme to my homie number one ♪ 56 00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:11,922 ♪ His name's Carl Stewart, but to me he's just "Son" ♪ 57 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:12,956 Word up. 58 00:03:13,041 --> 00:03:14,591 - Whoa! - Oh, my God. 59 00:03:14,673 --> 00:03:16,069 Okay, she got that running man down. 60 00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:17,961 - Look at Mom. - Can we please turn this off? 61 00:03:18,046 --> 00:03:19,012 - Oh, no, no. - He said turn it up. 62 00:03:19,097 --> 00:03:20,513 - Turn it up. - Turn it up. 63 00:03:20,599 --> 00:03:21,548 Turn up. 64 00:03:21,883 --> 00:03:23,216 ♪ You left some stuff behind ♪ 65 00:03:23,301 --> 00:03:24,584 ♪ That I can send you if you need ♪ 66 00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:27,354 ♪ Like your best friend Bear and your magazines ♪ 67 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,755 ♪ I'm going through all this stuff ♪ 68 00:03:28,799 --> 00:03:30,340 ♪ But it looks pretty risky ♪ 69 00:03:30,425 --> 00:03:33,760 ♪ You use so much lotion, but your socks sure are crispy ♪ 70 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:36,813 Mom! 71 00:03:36,932 --> 00:03:38,264 - Come on, Mom! - Okay. 72 00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:40,817 ♪ I've been cleaning with the broom and the vacuum ♪ 73 00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:43,736 ♪ And found Victoria's Secret, and she's hiding in your room ♪ 74 00:03:43,822 --> 00:03:46,823 ♪ Every nook and cranny, there are wads of tissue ♪ 75 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:49,359 ♪ I can't even open this swimsuit issue ♪ 76 00:03:50,445 --> 00:03:52,362 Man, what--what is wrong with you, bro? 77 00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:53,872 I spilled a soda on that magazine. 78 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,983 Right. 79 00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:57,200 ♪ I'm getting your sheets so nice and clean ♪ 80 00:03:57,285 --> 00:03:59,919 ♪ Like when you wet your bed till you were 16 ♪ 81 00:04:00,005 --> 00:04:01,004 - Mom, what? - ♪ I overreacted ♪ 82 00:04:01,122 --> 00:04:03,122 - Okay, okay. - Sorry I spanked you. 83 00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:05,792 ♪ Look, another crispy sock, no, thank you ♪ 84 00:04:05,877 --> 00:04:07,093 - Oh! - Why! 85 00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:08,044 - No. - She sniffed. 86 00:04:08,129 --> 00:04:09,262 That is wrong. 87 00:04:09,347 --> 00:04:11,297 How many crispy socks she gonna find, dog? 88 00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:12,799 ♪ Crispy socks here ♪ 89 00:04:12,884 --> 00:04:14,184 ♪ Crispy socks there ♪ 90 00:04:14,302 --> 00:04:16,352 ♪ Crispy socks with some mystery hair ♪ 91 00:04:16,471 --> 00:04:17,303 We're gonna turn it off right now. 92 00:04:17,439 --> 00:04:18,354 Come on, you guys. Come on. 93 00:04:18,473 --> 00:04:20,640 We started it. We gonna finish it. 94 00:04:23,195 --> 00:04:25,895 Oh. Oh, the beat changed up. 95 00:04:27,232 --> 00:04:28,698 ♪ I got the kitchen and the basement ♪ 96 00:04:28,817 --> 00:04:29,866 ♪ And the living room ♪ 97 00:04:29,985 --> 00:04:31,367 ♪ And since your dad met that bitch ♪ 98 00:04:31,486 --> 00:04:32,735 ♪ I got his office too ♪ 99 00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,154 ♪ Got my juices going, my rhymes flowing ♪ 100 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:37,540 ♪ My breath blowing, showing no signs of slowing ♪ 101 00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:39,209 ♪ I can feel my skills growing ♪ 102 00:04:39,327 --> 00:04:41,127 ♪ Took a little practice to crack this ♪ 103 00:04:41,213 --> 00:04:42,545 ♪ These lyrical gymnastics ♪ 104 00:04:42,664 --> 00:04:44,380 ♪ But now the fact is queen bee ♪ 105 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:46,749 ♪ I'ma be throwing out your [bleep] mattress ♪ 106 00:04:46,835 --> 00:04:48,968 ♪ Hell yeah, baddest bitch in the biz ♪ 107 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,336 ♪ Taking this show on the road ♪ 108 00:04:50,422 --> 00:04:52,672 ♪ You can clean up your own jizz, [bleep] ♪ 109 00:04:52,757 --> 00:04:55,058 Peace. 110 00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:59,646 Oh! 111 00:04:59,731 --> 00:05:02,015 - Man! - Yo, yo, MC Mom... 112 00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:06,019 Put the pussy on the chainwax! Ah! 113 00:05:14,312 --> 00:05:15,910 Excuse me, big man, big man, big man? 114 00:05:15,931 --> 00:05:17,063 Excuse me, big man, though. 115 00:05:17,149 --> 00:05:18,453 But big man. Okay, God bless you. 116 00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:19,566 I'll catch you on the up flip. 117 00:05:19,651 --> 00:05:21,851 Thank you, big man. Thank you, big man. 118 00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,154 - Hey, brother. - Hey. 119 00:05:24,272 --> 00:05:25,989 Can I ask you a question real quick though, brother man? 120 00:05:26,107 --> 00:05:27,157 Oh, see, that's good 'cause I was about 121 00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:28,441 to ask you a question right quick. 122 00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:29,609 Okay, so here's the deal, man. Crazy thing. 123 00:05:29,694 --> 00:05:31,661 My car ran out of gas about a mile up the road. 124 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,696 That's why I was wondering if I could get a little bit of money, 125 00:05:33,782 --> 00:05:35,198 you know, just get a couple of gallons. 126 00:05:35,283 --> 00:05:36,607 Oh, that's crazy, 'cause you know what? 127 00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:40,003 This-- My car had also broke down right up the road. 128 00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:41,788 I got my daughter here. She five. 129 00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:43,062 - Okay-- Oh, oh. - She sleeping in the car. 130 00:05:43,124 --> 00:05:44,290 I got to get back to her real quick. 131 00:05:44,322 --> 00:05:46,042 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - So if you could help me out. 132 00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:47,731 Pssh, I was gonna ask you if you could help me. 133 00:05:47,796 --> 00:05:49,012 Oh-- Oh, okay. 134 00:05:49,039 --> 00:05:50,819 Let me just give you my wallet out here and show you my ID 135 00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:53,016 to let you know that I am straight up legits real. 136 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,772 I ain't trying-- trying to do nothing to nobody, okay. 137 00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:56,636 Okay, on the issue of legitimacy, 138 00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:58,110 - I too have an identification. - Okay. 139 00:05:58,139 --> 00:06:00,773 That's a employee ID from Borders bookstore. 140 00:06:00,787 --> 00:06:02,040 You see right here, I got my Bally's 141 00:06:02,054 --> 00:06:03,114 Total Fitness ID right there. 142 00:06:03,144 --> 00:06:04,212 Okay, okay. 143 00:06:04,244 --> 00:06:05,764 Shows you that I stay fit and conscientious and whatnot. 144 00:06:05,814 --> 00:06:07,756 You'll also notice that these other IDs I have in my hand 145 00:06:07,782 --> 00:06:09,449 have the same name on it, which makes you know 146 00:06:09,534 --> 00:06:10,450 that it is indeed me. 147 00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:11,784 Right there, okay. 148 00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:13,987 Okay, I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this. 149 00:06:14,072 --> 00:06:16,039 Dun da-da da. Yogurtland punch card. 150 00:06:16,049 --> 00:06:17,132 Okay, yeah, I see that right there. 151 00:06:17,158 --> 00:06:18,291 You see that right there. 152 00:06:18,323 --> 00:06:19,528 That is almost my ninth purchase, apparently, 153 00:06:19,578 --> 00:06:20,493 and you can't fake that. 154 00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:21,494 You get a free ten ounce yogurt for that. 155 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:22,795 - Yeah, all right. - All right. 156 00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:24,998 So normally I would not ask another person for assistance, 157 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:27,634 but our-- our-- our family is in a fiduciary crisis right now. 158 00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:28,635 Yeah. 159 00:06:28,648 --> 00:06:29,946 My wife is languishing in the hospital. 160 00:06:29,971 --> 00:06:31,170 She a construction worker, 161 00:06:31,235 --> 00:06:32,726 and what happened is she got struck in the face 162 00:06:32,757 --> 00:06:33,890 by a power line. 163 00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,664 Fried her whole head up. Burnt both her eyeballs out. 164 00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:38,061 She's getting eyeball replacement surgery as we speak. 165 00:06:38,179 --> 00:06:40,346 Oh, see, I also have a spousal injury crisis 166 00:06:40,482 --> 00:06:41,347 on my midst as well. 167 00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:42,432 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 168 00:06:42,517 --> 00:06:43,816 My wife was in the astronaut program, 169 00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:45,351 making her a full-fledged astronaut. 170 00:06:45,487 --> 00:06:46,519 Okay, impressive. 171 00:06:46,584 --> 00:06:48,187 And she had gotten moon dust in her lungs. 172 00:06:48,218 --> 00:06:49,272 Inhaled, you don't wanna get-- 173 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,440 That's never good. It's never good. 174 00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:51,741 - You don't want that. - Nah, nah. 175 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:53,860 So maybe we could find a ATM or something like that. 176 00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:54,953 Okay, so where-- yeah, perhaps if you-- 177 00:06:54,996 --> 00:06:56,195 Oh, look, that's one over there. 178 00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:57,196 - Oh, my gosh. - That's a ATM. 179 00:06:57,332 --> 00:06:58,331 What's-- What's the chances of it? 180 00:06:58,416 --> 00:06:59,282 Let's go to that ATM. 181 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:00,366 We should probably check that out. 182 00:07:00,502 --> 00:07:01,367 Yeah, let's just take a look right there. 183 00:07:01,503 --> 00:07:02,418 Oh, stay with me, brother. 184 00:07:02,537 --> 00:07:03,703 - Here we are. - Why, here we are. 185 00:07:03,838 --> 00:07:06,039 ATM machines that I did not know previously were here. 186 00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:07,457 All right. Two of them, no less. 187 00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:09,092 I'll tell you what we should do, though, man. 188 00:07:09,118 --> 00:07:10,317 - All right. - You give me the $20, okay. 189 00:07:10,378 --> 00:07:11,427 Yeah. 190 00:07:11,475 --> 00:07:12,501 I'll give you the $3 that's on my person. 191 00:07:12,547 --> 00:07:13,429 Yes? 192 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,764 Then I will give you the $17 after. 193 00:07:14,883 --> 00:07:16,132 Then you give me that $17. 194 00:07:16,217 --> 00:07:18,968 I'll cut you a check for $100 just to cover that. 195 00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:20,720 You give me the change in cash. 196 00:07:20,855 --> 00:07:22,722 - Okay, okay, I feel that. - Why am I playing? 197 00:07:22,807 --> 00:07:24,974 I'm just gonna give you my ATM card so you know I'm legit. 198 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:26,225 Sure, sure. Of course, of course. 199 00:07:26,311 --> 00:07:27,810 I'm gonna give you my ATM card so we both 200 00:07:27,896 --> 00:07:30,113 have something of value from the other person. 201 00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:33,650 All right. 202 00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:34,734 And your code is? 203 00:07:34,869 --> 00:07:37,287 It is 1...234. And yours, sir? 204 00:07:37,405 --> 00:07:39,739 - 1235. - Thank you. 205 00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,717 Could that-- That is a Ralph's rewards card. 206 00:07:50,802 --> 00:07:52,552 Okay, that is a credit card placeholder 207 00:07:52,637 --> 00:07:57,256 you would find in a translucent sleeve in a brand new wallet. 208 00:08:00,845 --> 00:08:02,077 - Hey, excuse me, big man. - Hey, big man? 209 00:08:02,201 --> 00:08:03,284 Big man? - Hey, right quick, right quick. 210 00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:04,413 Can I ask you a question, biggest of men? 211 00:08:04,432 --> 00:08:05,431 I got a question right quick. 212 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,590 As Don's week in the warehouse 213 00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:12,256 was wrapping up, it was time 214 00:08:12,286 --> 00:08:13,876 to come clean with his employees. 215 00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,967 Actually, everybody, uh, 216 00:08:16,086 --> 00:08:17,385 I've got an announcement to make. 217 00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,137 Don't nobody want to hear your bull[bleep], newbie. 218 00:08:19,255 --> 00:08:20,888 - Okay. - Don't nobody want to hear it! 219 00:08:20,974 --> 00:08:22,557 I think you will care about this one, 220 00:08:22,642 --> 00:08:24,258 so gather around. 221 00:08:24,394 --> 00:08:26,177 I'm not actually a new employee. 222 00:08:26,262 --> 00:08:27,345 You could say that again. 223 00:08:27,430 --> 00:08:29,097 You a waste of space, as far as I'm concerned. 224 00:08:29,182 --> 00:08:30,431 Can't get nothing done on time. 225 00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:34,068 Like a--like a snail over here. 226 00:08:34,154 --> 00:08:39,407 I am actually president of the company. 227 00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:41,776 You're on Undercover Boss. 228 00:08:41,861 --> 00:08:43,828 - What? - The TV show, yeah. 229 00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:45,279 - What? - Wow. 230 00:08:45,318 --> 00:08:46,730 In this week 231 00:08:46,915 --> 00:08:50,334 since I've been working here amongst you, 232 00:08:50,453 --> 00:08:53,771 I got to hear each and every one of your stories, 233 00:08:53,902 --> 00:08:55,396 just about, 234 00:08:55,542 --> 00:08:57,175 and, uh, I... 235 00:08:57,293 --> 00:08:58,376 You know I was just playing, right? 236 00:08:58,461 --> 00:09:00,211 You know I-- I was just trying to lighten the mood 237 00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:01,546 in the workplace and whatnot, you know. 238 00:09:01,631 --> 00:09:02,847 Thank you, Joseph. 239 00:09:02,966 --> 00:09:04,831 Bill. 240 00:09:05,218 --> 00:09:08,219 Buddy, you were telling me that your car broke down, 241 00:09:08,304 --> 00:09:10,054 and it hasn't been working right ever since. 242 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,258 Well, I want to get you a new Ford Explorer. 243 00:09:13,643 --> 00:09:15,643 Oh, my God. Thank--thank you so much, Mark. 244 00:09:15,779 --> 00:09:18,362 That means so much to me. 245 00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:20,231 My whole family died in one day. 246 00:09:20,316 --> 00:09:21,482 - Joseph. - Thank you. 247 00:09:21,618 --> 00:09:23,618 Huge car crash. Huge, man. 248 00:09:23,703 --> 00:09:25,486 We were having a family picnic, and then this truck 249 00:09:25,622 --> 00:09:27,655 just came on through and just killed everybody. 250 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:28,906 It chopped everybody's heads off. 251 00:09:28,992 --> 00:09:32,376 Eleanore, you were worried that you were not going 252 00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:34,796 to be able to afford college for your two--two boys, 253 00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:38,382 and I'm starting a college fund for them both. 254 00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:41,719 Putting $10,000 in each one of them. 255 00:09:41,838 --> 00:09:44,806 This is amazing. I'm so grateful. 256 00:09:44,891 --> 00:09:45,973 You know, I-I can't make no family anymore 257 00:09:46,059 --> 00:09:47,809 'cause my dick got chopped up in the accident-- 258 00:09:47,894 --> 00:09:49,594 - Joseph, Joseph. - And now I pee out the side. 259 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,895 Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. 260 00:09:51,014 --> 00:09:52,647 I just-- I start to pee. 261 00:09:52,732 --> 00:09:53,681 Right in my mouth. 262 00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:54,765 Oh, Joseph, that's disgusting. 263 00:09:54,785 --> 00:09:55,966 Sometimes poop come out the other side. 264 00:09:56,019 --> 00:09:57,268 - I don't even know why that-- - Joseph. 265 00:09:57,353 --> 00:09:58,903 My dick is in eight pieces. 266 00:09:59,022 --> 00:09:59,937 Joseph. Okay, you know-- 267 00:10:00,023 --> 00:10:01,239 If you could just give me a raise. 268 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,440 I ain't asking for no kind of scholarships or nothing. 269 00:10:02,525 --> 00:10:03,524 Okay, you know, Joseph, I'm gonna get-- 270 00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:04,692 I'm gonna go-- get to you right now. 271 00:10:04,699 --> 00:10:05,827 Okay, dude, did I mention I was a prostitute 272 00:10:05,912 --> 00:10:07,328 since the age of 17? 15-- 10? 273 00:10:07,413 --> 00:10:08,329 No, Joseph. Joseph. 274 00:10:08,414 --> 00:10:09,580 7-- 3-- been a prostitute since I was 3. 275 00:10:09,699 --> 00:10:10,615 Joseph, Joseph-- 276 00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:11,682 I was in-- I was a prostitute in the womb. 277 00:10:11,701 --> 00:10:12,750 Joseph. 278 00:10:12,869 --> 00:10:14,452 A dude put his peepee in my--in my mama, 279 00:10:14,473 --> 00:10:15,670 and it got inside of me, and then-- 280 00:10:15,703 --> 00:10:16,621 and then they gave me money. 281 00:10:16,706 --> 00:10:17,705 Joseph. 282 00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:19,090 Just please, man. Just give me a raise. 283 00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:21,926 Joseph, you have been rude to me since the moment I came here. 284 00:10:22,045 --> 00:10:23,010 Come on, man. 285 00:10:23,096 --> 00:10:24,428 I mean, I was playing with you, dog. 286 00:10:24,547 --> 00:10:26,264 I knew you was the boss the whole time, man. 287 00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:27,582 Look at this fake ass mustache. 288 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,517 Ow--that's my real mustache, Joseph. 289 00:10:29,602 --> 00:10:32,770 That really hurt. 290 00:10:32,889 --> 00:10:34,138 You're fired. 291 00:10:34,224 --> 00:10:35,189 Get out of here. 292 00:10:35,275 --> 00:10:36,557 Can I stay and watch? 293 00:10:36,693 --> 00:10:38,309 Get out of here. 294 00:10:38,342 --> 00:10:39,653 I got a rare-- I got a rare condition 295 00:10:39,696 --> 00:10:40,561 that make me unlikable. 296 00:10:40,647 --> 00:10:41,562 No, you don't, Joseph. 297 00:10:41,698 --> 00:10:42,563 Lance? 298 00:10:42,596 --> 00:10:43,784 Lance, you been in the urinal with me. 299 00:10:43,816 --> 00:10:44,866 You see me in the urinal. 300 00:10:44,951 --> 00:10:46,200 Lance, I am sorry, but do not engage him. 301 00:10:46,286 --> 00:10:47,451 Tell him-- Tell him my dick in three pieces. 302 00:10:47,493 --> 00:10:48,703 Joseph, leave Lance alone. 303 00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:50,154 It's true, so they give me a little bit of money. 304 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,739 - No, it's not gonna happen. - Can I have a-- 305 00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:53,374 Joseph? 306 00:10:53,459 --> 00:10:54,375 He did--he did-- 307 00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,744 Joseph, leave Norman out of this. 308 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:57,828 Who's Norman? 309 00:10:57,914 --> 00:10:59,497 - The foreman. - Norman the foreman? 310 00:10:59,582 --> 00:11:02,133 That's his name. 311 00:11:02,252 --> 00:11:03,672 I know that. 312 00:11:03,981 --> 00:11:05,253 I work intimately with him. 313 00:11:05,338 --> 00:11:06,837 No, you don't, you're fired. 314 00:11:06,923 --> 00:11:07,922 All right. Go on. 315 00:11:08,057 --> 00:11:09,924 All right, out the door with you, Joseph. 316 00:11:09,993 --> 00:11:12,258 I am sorry about that. 317 00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,592 Is he gone? 318 00:11:15,848 --> 00:11:17,960 Okay, uh, Betty... 319 00:11:19,718 --> 00:11:23,086 When you told me that your father passed away, 320 00:11:23,273 --> 00:11:25,606 it hit me because my father passed away. 321 00:11:25,692 --> 00:11:27,043 But my dick got chopped up, though! 322 00:11:27,089 --> 00:11:27,942 Joseph! 323 00:11:28,015 --> 00:11:28,943 My dick got chopped up. 324 00:11:28,964 --> 00:11:30,169 That is so disrespectful, Joseph. 325 00:11:30,203 --> 00:11:31,946 What are you doing? I thought you left, Joseph. 326 00:11:32,018 --> 00:11:33,614 Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey. 327 00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:35,533 - You're lying, and I don't-- - I got a gristle dick. 328 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:37,451 Joseph, that's wildly inappropriate. 329 00:11:37,587 --> 00:11:38,869 Straight meat gristle. 330 00:11:38,904 --> 00:11:40,421 It's hanging out here right here, right now. 331 00:11:40,506 --> 00:11:42,206 - You can't see it. - Joseph! 332 00:11:42,292 --> 00:11:43,624 Coming up. 333 00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:45,293 We have so many siblings, 334 00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:46,534 and just to know 335 00:11:46,689 --> 00:11:50,303 that we both share a familial bond 336 00:11:50,403 --> 00:11:52,550 and that there's nothing that can take that away. 337 00:11:52,597 --> 00:11:53,551 But my dick got chopped up, though. 338 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,110 Joseph! 339 00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:56,408 Where-- How did you...? 340 00:12:03,696 --> 00:12:06,948 Now, are you still on the reality show bandwagon? 341 00:12:07,014 --> 00:12:08,699 It's not a bandwagon. It's a way of life. 342 00:12:08,785 --> 00:12:09,917 Oh, boy. 343 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:11,252 Bachelor. 344 00:12:11,337 --> 00:12:12,920 Ro-- Challenge. 345 00:12:13,006 --> 00:12:14,505 - See, that's what's not real. - It's not real, I mean-- 346 00:12:14,624 --> 00:12:17,091 Nothing's real as soon as the camera appears. 347 00:12:17,177 --> 00:12:19,260 I mean, you and I, we're out here on the road by ourselves. 348 00:12:19,345 --> 00:12:20,211 This is real. 349 00:12:20,296 --> 00:12:21,462 This is a different thing. 350 00:12:21,548 --> 00:12:22,880 - We're real. - We're doing something. 351 00:12:22,966 --> 00:12:25,299 You're here, those-- that scrub brush out there is real. 352 00:12:25,435 --> 00:12:26,934 You can smell the... 353 00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:28,136 The dirt of the road. 354 00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:29,720 - Sandy air. - This is real. 355 00:12:29,806 --> 00:12:31,889 This is real, what's happening right now. 356 00:12:31,975 --> 00:12:33,724 Mm-hmm. 357 00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:41,308 I think we're both going to have-- You know, 358 00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:44,611 when Key and Peele's over, we both have our solo careers. 359 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,146 Yeah, but we'll come back in. 360 00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:47,397 We'll come back in every now and then. 361 00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:48,615 Do a little Key and Peele-- Pepper that little 362 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,816 Key and Peele-- Stoice it back out, come back in, 363 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,151 a little Key and Peele. 364 00:12:51,236 --> 00:12:52,953 But I think-- Well, obviously we're gonna both have success 365 00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:53,904 in our own... 366 00:12:53,989 --> 00:12:55,122 Right. 367 00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:56,123 Right, you know, we're just gonna be a regular, 368 00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:58,542 you know, Simon and Garfunkel. 369 00:12:58,661 --> 00:12:59,743 How's that again? 370 00:12:59,828 --> 00:13:01,411 Oh, yeah, I get--oh, like Simon and Garfunkel? 371 00:13:01,497 --> 00:13:03,497 No--nnn, kind of, but I'm-- 372 00:13:03,535 --> 00:13:04,715 I'm thinking, like, our solo careers are like-- 373 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:05,999 Simon, Garfunkel. 374 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,501 Right, I got you. 375 00:13:07,539 --> 00:13:10,637 No, I think we're agreeing, so like, I--I would be Simon, 376 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,800 and you would be Garfunkel. 377 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:12,723 Garfunkel. Simon. 378 00:13:12,841 --> 00:13:13,840 I think we're--we're just-- 379 00:13:13,926 --> 00:13:15,058 No, no. No, no, what I'm saying is... 380 00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:16,393 I mean, we're basically saying the same thing. 381 00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,011 It would be like--like, you would be Art Garfunkel, 382 00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:21,398 and I'd be Simon-- Paul Simon, so. 383 00:13:21,517 --> 00:13:22,566 It's like-- 384 00:13:22,685 --> 00:13:24,151 Well, that's--maybe that's a bad example. 385 00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:25,936 Maybe that's a bad--but you know, like, as far as, 386 00:13:26,021 --> 00:13:26,937 like, going down in history. 387 00:13:27,022 --> 00:13:27,988 It's--we'd be like--yeah. 388 00:13:28,073 --> 00:13:29,022 Going down in history be like-- 389 00:13:29,065 --> 00:13:30,023 I'm Lucille Ball, you're Desi. 390 00:13:30,159 --> 00:13:31,024 I'm Desi--I'm Lucille, 391 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,159 but you're Desi Arnaz. 392 00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:34,161 Okay. Like, I'm Elvis the pelvis. 393 00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:36,196 - Mm-hmm. - You're his brother, Enis. 394 00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:38,165 With a curl. What? 395 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,117 I don't even know who Enis Presley is. 396 00:13:40,202 --> 00:13:41,802 You know his nickname was? 397 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:42,953 Yeah. 398 00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:45,372 I'm thinking Scott Baio and... 399 00:13:45,507 --> 00:13:49,793 Willie Aames. 400 00:13:49,878 --> 00:13:52,212 I guess there's no real winner there, is there? 401 00:13:52,297 --> 00:13:53,797 Well played. 402 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,939 Here's your coffee. 403 00:14:03,058 --> 00:14:06,560 Hey, man, I just have to say, I am a huge fan. 404 00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:08,729 Outkast, like, changed my life. 405 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:09,980 Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. 406 00:14:10,065 --> 00:14:12,787 So are you gonna collaborate with André 3000 again? 407 00:14:14,903 --> 00:14:16,319 Nah. 408 00:14:16,405 --> 00:14:18,488 How come? 409 00:14:18,574 --> 00:14:20,741 People grow apart. 410 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,666 Greetings. 411 00:14:29,752 --> 00:14:32,836 May I have a half-caff decaf mint mocha latte, 412 00:14:32,921 --> 00:14:34,671 foam on the bottom, served in a flower vase, 413 00:14:34,757 --> 00:14:36,201 and if y'all got some green food coloring 414 00:14:36,225 --> 00:14:37,841 back there, throw it in. 415 00:14:37,926 --> 00:14:39,092 André 3000! 416 00:14:39,228 --> 00:14:40,093 In the flesh. 417 00:14:40,229 --> 00:14:41,511 Big Boi is right over there. 418 00:14:41,597 --> 00:14:44,014 Big Boi! 419 00:14:44,099 --> 00:14:45,649 Bitch, I'm trying to read a book. 420 00:14:45,768 --> 00:14:47,984 Big Boi! 421 00:14:48,103 --> 00:14:51,438 What's up, my brother from another mother, man? 422 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,671 Hey, when I say mother, you know I'm talking about art, right, 423 00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:55,742 'cause we got cut out of her womb linked together. 424 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,528 What's up, man? What's up, André? 425 00:14:58,614 --> 00:15:00,947 André who? 426 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,449 I ain't gonna say it, man. 427 00:15:02,584 --> 00:15:06,453 It's not 2,999. 428 00:15:06,588 --> 00:15:08,789 It's not 3,001. - André 3000. 429 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,707 Hey, man, what happened to you after the show? 430 00:15:10,793 --> 00:15:12,676 Yeah, um. 431 00:15:12,795 --> 00:15:15,462 I just-- I must have, like, snuck out or something like that. 432 00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:18,884 (in English accent) I thought perchance you went missing. 433 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:20,934 Don't do the voices, man. 434 00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:22,219 Do what voice, my dear boy? 435 00:15:22,258 --> 00:15:23,970 Why do you-- Why do you got to do the voices, man? 436 00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:25,972 Why you doing the voices? Why you doing that, man? 437 00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:28,942 One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte, 438 00:15:29,027 --> 00:15:30,727 foam on the bottom, in a vase? 439 00:15:30,813 --> 00:15:32,779 I got a new idea for a album, man. 440 00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:35,482 It's gonna be just the sound of screeching metal, 441 00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:38,235 and then only one spoken word per track. 442 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,286 - Cool, cool. - Yeah. 443 00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:46,326 That's my new screeching metal sounds 444 00:15:46,353 --> 00:15:47,745 I was talking about earlier, man. 445 00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:50,163 One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte, 446 00:15:50,299 --> 00:15:53,333 foam on the bottom, in a vase or "vahz." 447 00:15:53,468 --> 00:15:54,584 You ain't hear? 448 00:15:54,670 --> 00:15:55,836 That-- That's your-- [bleep]-- That's-- 449 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,838 you the only [bleep] that ever order that drink. 450 00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:59,723 Yeah, okay, so what is going on with me? 451 00:15:59,842 --> 00:16:00,724 What is happening with me? 452 00:16:00,843 --> 00:16:04,477 Man, what the [bleep] happened, man? 453 00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:07,013 - What are you talking about? - We used to be somebody, man. 454 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,148 We used to be a team. 455 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:09,850 We was on top. 456 00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:12,868 Then you went and lost your [bleep] mind. 457 00:16:20,529 --> 00:16:21,778 Can we just lose this, man? 458 00:16:21,864 --> 00:16:25,365 Can we just lose the 3000 and just have you talk as André? 459 00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:28,164 Tell me-- Tell me straight up, man, what happened? 460 00:16:29,705 --> 00:16:32,445 You know what be even better, though, man? 461 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,126 Is if you looked into the pinwheel with your third eye. 462 00:16:36,164 --> 00:16:38,058 I thought you was gonna say some stupid [bleep] like that. 463 00:16:38,096 --> 00:16:39,462 And everything will be revealed. 464 00:16:39,548 --> 00:16:41,097 All right, man. It's been good, man, thank you. 465 00:16:41,123 --> 00:16:42,883 - Thanks for coming by, man. - Okay, yeah. 466 00:16:42,922 --> 00:16:44,614 Matter of fact, I got an appointment right now 467 00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:45,846 to go get fitted for a toga. 468 00:16:45,888 --> 00:16:48,355 - You got--you got to go. - Mm-hmm. 469 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,858 You leaving me. That's a... 470 00:16:57,566 --> 00:16:58,481 Don't do it. 471 00:16:58,523 --> 00:17:00,523 May Eros, 472 00:17:01,189 --> 00:17:04,404 Artemis, and Apollo 473 00:17:04,446 --> 00:17:06,697 guide you through your musical journey. 474 00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:11,127 [bleep], what? 475 00:17:11,199 --> 00:17:14,232 Why... does... your... breath... smell... 476 00:17:14,322 --> 00:17:16,322 like... birdseed? 477 00:17:17,753 --> 00:17:19,846 - Au revoir. - All right. 478 00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:24,007 Thank you, café craftsman. 479 00:17:24,092 --> 00:17:25,425 You're welcome. 480 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,476 Sweedoop poops. 481 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:27,677 Sweden dweeps. 482 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:33,145 Sorry, he--he didn't actually pay for that drink. 483 00:17:33,151 --> 00:17:34,067 I got it. 484 00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:39,296 Wow. 485 00:17:39,381 --> 00:17:41,265 You really came out of nowhere. 486 00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:42,599 What? No. 487 00:17:42,685 --> 00:17:47,855 No, I was stopped at that stop sign. 488 00:17:47,973 --> 00:17:50,357 Yeah. 489 00:17:50,476 --> 00:17:52,643 Listen, let's just exchange information 490 00:17:52,664 --> 00:17:54,287 and have our insurance companies take care of it. 491 00:17:54,313 --> 00:17:55,479 Right. 492 00:17:55,614 --> 00:17:57,147 Yeah. 493 00:17:57,283 --> 00:17:59,983 I'm gonna get my info. 494 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:01,902 Yes, please. 495 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:09,743 Hey, no, what-- what are you doing? 496 00:18:09,829 --> 00:18:11,795 What are you doing? - Huh? 497 00:18:11,881 --> 00:18:13,163 Why did you start the engine? 498 00:18:13,249 --> 00:18:14,832 What engine? 499 00:18:14,967 --> 00:18:16,383 The engine of your car. 500 00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:18,001 Did I? 501 00:18:18,087 --> 00:18:20,838 Yes. 502 00:18:20,923 --> 00:18:23,307 I was just trying to get the information for you 503 00:18:23,392 --> 00:18:24,675 from the glove box. 504 00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:27,261 Do you need to start your car to open your glove compartment? 505 00:18:27,346 --> 00:18:30,848 Uh...yeah? 506 00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:32,649 Okay, you know what, how about I just-- 507 00:18:32,735 --> 00:18:34,651 I get your insurance information now. 508 00:18:34,737 --> 00:18:36,737 - Right? - Sure. 509 00:18:36,856 --> 00:18:38,739 Hey, dude, no. Hey--hey, hey--stop! 510 00:18:38,858 --> 00:18:40,491 Stop, stop, stop! 511 00:18:40,576 --> 00:18:41,787 Where the hell are you going? 512 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,695 Uh... Nowhere? 513 00:18:44,830 --> 00:18:46,330 Give me the information right now! 514 00:18:46,415 --> 00:18:47,281 - Okay. - Right now. 515 00:18:47,366 --> 00:18:49,867 Do you understand? - Okay, okay. 516 00:18:50,002 --> 00:18:53,587 All right, sorry. I--I misunderstood. 517 00:18:53,706 --> 00:18:54,705 I don't see how. 518 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,007 All right, here it is. 519 00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,675 No, no, I--no. 520 00:18:58,761 --> 00:19:01,128 Your--your insurance information. 521 00:19:01,213 --> 00:19:03,797 - I just did. - This is a Walgreens receipt. 522 00:19:03,883 --> 00:19:05,215 Ohhh. 523 00:19:05,351 --> 00:19:06,600 Ohhh? 524 00:19:06,719 --> 00:19:09,636 Here it is. 525 00:19:09,722 --> 00:19:13,557 "License to fart." 526 00:19:13,642 --> 00:19:16,393 Here it is. 527 00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:17,394 What is that? 528 00:19:17,479 --> 00:19:18,529 Now you're just miming. 529 00:19:18,566 --> 00:19:20,546 You know what, give me your insurance information 530 00:19:20,566 --> 00:19:22,232 right now, or I'm calling the cops! 531 00:19:22,318 --> 00:19:23,283 - Okay, all right. - Okay? 532 00:19:23,402 --> 00:19:24,735 Okay, dude, I'm sorry. 533 00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:25,903 I'm sorry. 534 00:19:26,038 --> 00:19:28,405 That's just-- that's my personality. 535 00:19:28,490 --> 00:19:30,073 I was messing with you. 536 00:19:30,159 --> 00:19:31,575 I apologize. 537 00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:32,942 I thought you were gonna take off and-- 538 00:19:32,995 --> 00:19:33,961 and flee the scene. 539 00:19:34,079 --> 00:19:35,078 Yeah, no, I'm not, well. 540 00:19:35,164 --> 00:19:36,547 Then how am I gonna get my car fixed? 541 00:19:36,632 --> 00:19:38,415 I-- We just had an accident. 542 00:19:38,551 --> 00:19:41,802 It's obviously not the time or the place, so I'm--I'm sorry. 543 00:19:41,921 --> 00:19:44,254 Here you go. Here it is. 544 00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:45,722 I mean, can you imagine, though? 545 00:19:45,808 --> 00:19:47,090 Yeah, that you were gonna take off? 546 00:19:47,176 --> 00:19:48,392 - Yeah. - Yeah, I can imagine that. 547 00:19:48,477 --> 00:19:52,646 And it's giving me chills up my [bleep] spine. 548 00:19:52,765 --> 00:19:56,099 Anyway. Here's the real insurance card, 549 00:19:56,185 --> 00:20:00,604 and, uh... let me know what you think. 550 00:20:00,739 --> 00:20:03,440 "Official laminated license to fart." 551 00:20:03,525 --> 00:20:04,524 What the [bleep]-- Hey! 552 00:20:04,610 --> 00:20:06,443 Hey! No, hey! 553 00:20:06,528 --> 00:20:09,196 God damn it! Son of a bitch! 554 00:20:09,281 --> 00:20:12,165 I am a sociopath! 555 00:20:17,423 --> 00:20:19,289 - Now, Jordan. - Yes. 556 00:20:19,375 --> 00:20:21,708 Where are we with the driver-- 557 00:20:21,794 --> 00:20:23,627 with the-- with the learner's permit situation? 558 00:20:23,762 --> 00:20:25,045 I got a learner-- learner's permit. 559 00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:26,346 - All right. - Third time's the charm. 560 00:20:26,465 --> 00:20:27,464 Got it. 561 00:20:27,549 --> 00:20:28,966 But you took the test, and you passed. 562 00:20:29,051 --> 00:20:30,934 The write-- written test. 563 00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,970 I still have the physical test to go. 564 00:20:33,105 --> 00:20:34,888 Is there any kind of fear of learning to drive? 565 00:20:34,974 --> 00:20:36,473 Why-- Why don't you want to drive? 566 00:20:36,558 --> 00:20:38,308 - Fear? - Mm-hmm. 567 00:20:38,394 --> 00:20:41,728 No, I-- I mean, more--more than anything, it just-- 568 00:20:41,814 --> 00:20:44,982 it seems generally, like, unpleasant. 569 00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:46,149 Oh, boy, I got to tell you, it's not. 570 00:20:46,235 --> 00:20:47,651 - I love driving. - Cool. 571 00:20:47,736 --> 00:20:51,455 - Yeah. - So we're all set. 572 00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:53,540 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 573 00:20:53,659 --> 00:20:55,492 Oh, yeah. 574 00:20:55,573 --> 00:20:57,245 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com