- Neil! - Yes, honey?
Neil deGrasse Tyson,
I asked you to take the dog out for a walk.
I left the house four hours ago.
Now, I come back, and this little mother[bleep] Sputnik
has done pissed on my drapes.
Now I've got to get rid of those things
and get new ones.
Neil, it doesn't make any sense.
You are an astrophysicist.
How can you not keep track of little details like this?
Well, actually,
it's the little details
that cannot be kept track of, by definition.
In 1927, a German university lecturer
named Werner Heisenberg
came to a seemingly paradoxical conclusion,
that the more we know about the position
of a particle in physical space,
the less we know about its momentum, and vice versa.
Okay, but what-- what does that have to do--
Taken in conjunction with what we know
about the expansion of the universe,
this brings us to a fascinating possibility,
that maybe what we experience as one point in time-space
could actually be a legion of points,
which would mean that your curtains
and little Sputnik's pee-pee
could be as distant from one another
as we are from the furthest galaxy.
Okay.
Well, just... next time.
Of course, dear.
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com
At some point, man, I got to, like,
slip some-- some-- some weed into, like,
some of your cookies or something,
and just, like, get you high, man.
Yeah, that would not be
the worst thing that ever happened.
That might be fun.
Also ecstasy.
- I don't know about all that. - Heroin.
Maybe I'll have a little marijuana.
Laced with acid.
No, thank you.
Welcome to the team, Mr. Wise.
Thank you.
Now, being an Arizona Assistant State's Attorney
is an important job,
one we take very seriously.
In fact, we are willing to do anything to win.
It's my honor, sir.
And I look forward to serving the state of Arizona.
Are these marbles?
How's that?
I was just admiring your container of marbles.
Why, yes.
My wife got them for me as a gift...
Oh.
For my birthday.
Which brings me to a speech
I like to give anyone on their first day
here at the state's attorney office
of Arizona.
You see... Lady Justice
is a committed woman.
She's a slippery little scallop,
as you can observe...
She doesn't cook, doesn't clean,
but what she does do, is she'll turn a blind eye...
What is going on?
What?
What are you doing?
Oh, uh...
I don't--
The marbles, they're just--
I got to tell you, they're just so beautiful.
I was wondering what it would feel like
to--in my mouth.
Like, what would the marbles feel like
if they were in my mouth?
That's... You know.
What?
Just, you know... you know.
Like, just what would it feel like
if there were just kind of a whole ton of marbles
in my-- in my face.
Well, don't do that.
Just...
Just don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.
What am I doing over here?
I mean, that's a thing that a child would do, it is.
You were saying?
I was saying that Lady Justice,
she just stands there in my office,
looking at me.
Hey!
Forget the marbles, boy!
Spit the marbles out, please.
There you go.
Well...
All right.
Ah--
How many--really?
Do you have any--
I'm gonna wait for the last--
I'm assuming there's--
Yeah.
I know there's another one in there.
- Nope. - All right.
I am so-- I'm-- They're just so beautiful.
I can't-- It's just these marbles.
I got to tell you.
You obviously don't take this job very seriously.
I do, sir.
It's just these particular marbles.
I just needed to feel
what they felt like in my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
You know we do serious business here, right?
Yes, I do know that.
I'm 100% aware of that.
'cause I've forgotten where I was.
You were saying that Justice
is a dumb, blind, old lady. I heard every word.
Yes-- No!
She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscent of Kerry Washington
in her prime.
Good God.
Janice, send in the cleanup crew.
Another one fell for the marble trick.
Oh, man, I feel like crap.
I just came from a trashy Indian restaurant
in a strip mall.
Not bad food, though.
Got pretty lucky.
Got the hottest, baddest curry
I ever ate in my life.
Place called Naan Sense, Indian joint,
just, like, Terminal 3.
It's like, I'm going
to my brother's wedding on Sunday, and it's like,
I don't even want to go.
I don't even like my brother.
My brother's, like, a jerk.
Don't like his wife.
She's, like, a bitch.
I stayed with them for, like, three weeks.
She was a bitch to me, man.
I put my feet on her coffee table.
She was like, "Don't get your feet on my coffee--"
I'm like, "Who are you?"
Scrimps.
A ginger broad, man, like...
Scrimps.
Those are the worst people on the planet.
So I said that to him.
I said that to him in the parking lot.
I cornered him a little bit, sure.
Scrimps.
He swung on me.
Can you believe that?
It's like, who sings on their own brother, man?
Yeah, I swung back...
But that's cool, you know.
It's like, I haven't seen him for a while,
but now I got this expensive wedding I have to go to.
So it's crazy.
I got to get my tickets,
and that's a whole situation.
I hate doing that.
And-- Hold on a second.
Hey, hey, pal pal.
Start on the downstairs bits.
I'm in the middle of a conversation up here.
- Hey. - Of course, of course.
Whatever you say.
Thank you.
Sorry about that.
Just have a little guy here
working on my suit...
From the eternal, from within.
You know, I mean, there's always chicks at the wedding, right?
There is a guy in there.
The answer is yes.
And hopefully, you know, I can get, like,
two down in one evening, you know?
And speaking of "two down in one evening,"
if they've got popcorn shrimp and little lobster rolls,
I'm a happy man.
But they're not going to have that...
Stop!
Who goes there?
Sal.
My name is Sal.
Sal... The end is near.
What?
Why-- What--
What do you mean?
Everything is changing.
What do you mean?
The end is near, Sal.
No, I don't know what you mean.
What do you mean?
I don't want to die!
There's nothing you can do.
The end is near.
Everything is changing.
From the eternal, from within.
No, I don't want to die!
What do you mean?
The end is near.
What?
Sorry about that, man.
Of course.
Change is coming.
The craziest part of all of this,
I actually am on acid right now.
Are you right now?
- Yeah. - Wow.
Like, for instance, I don't even--
I'm 90% sure you're here.
But if I shut my eyes and you weren't,
I would not be surprised.
You would not be surprised
if this car just kind of lifted off in the air
and just started driving through space
with a rainbow trail.
- Mm-hmm. - You would not be surprised.
Hey, none of this is real, man.
None of this is real, okay?
Just surface--
- Yo. - What's up?
Game of Thrones, though, dog.
Yo, you all caught up?
Yo, I totally binge-watched
that whole thing last night, dog.
Yo, it's cold-blooded up in Westeros, dog.
They killed my [bleep] Ned!
Ned Starks?
You ain't see that one coming, did you?
- Oh, [bleep], hell no. - Uh-uh.
- Oh, my God. - Uh-uh.
I mean, my man was just there, right?
And he got down there on the thing.
Like blip.
And then I was like, "I ain't worried.
They ain't gonna kill my boy Ned Starks!"
- Slit. - And then plop.
I was like...
Yo, I told you they cold-blooded up in there.
And then I was like, "But that's okay,
because I still got my [bleep] Khal Drogos."
Big Dave Navarro?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big Dave Navarro?
Widdly-widdly-widdly widdly-wow!
Yeah, that dude picked up some molten gold,
poured it on [bleep] heads.
"I want to sleep with my sister!"
Yo.
And he killed him, right?
I mean, he big like Hercules and everything.
I'm like, you can't kill Khal Drogos
with a paper cut.
An infected scratch up on there?
An infected scratch!
- But he got straight... - killed!
Yo, but you know who my favorite character is, dog?
Who's that, dog?
Pssst! Khaleesies.
Khaleesi.
You know I be liking some Khaleesies, dog.
But what about Khaleesies
straight-up with the dragons?
Oh, it's--
Khaleesies with the dragons.
And Khaleesi's all like this.
And then we talking about--
Whoosh!
Just straight roasting goats!
Yo!
Oh, my God.
And that's when they start
killing characters left and right, dog!
- At the wedding? - Yo, at the wedding!
- Robb Starks. - What?
- His wife. - What?
- They got his mama! - Yo!
Killed, killed, killed, killed!
That was a four-for-one, dog.
Four-for-one up there, dog.
That's a straight four-for-one, dog.
Four-for-one up in there.
What about when they got wildlings girl?
Talking about...
"You know nothing, Jon Snow."
- Screek! - Guh!
Killed!
What about the Hound, though?
- Yo! - The Hound!
"Ah, I'm falling down the hill!"
"Kill me!
You've got to kill me!"
"No!"
Killed!
Slowly, by omission.
Bingo.
Yo, what about my man Taiwan Lannisters?
Taiwan Lannisters.
Taiwan Lannisters!
What about Taiwan Lannisters, dog?
Yo, my man talking about,
"I'm taking a [bleep]."
He's like--ow!
Killed!
By his own son.
What?
Da Dinkles.
Da Dinkles, yo.
Da Dinkles.
Da Dinkles!
Dinkles is my jam.
Can't nobody kill da Dinkles!
Da Dinkles is my jam, my jelly,
my peanut butter, and my peanuts.
- Dinkles. - Da Dinkles.
Dinkles, though!
Dinkles is my [bleep]!
Neil!
There you are.
What are you doing?
We have to go to my Aunt Nelly's funeral.
How are you not ready?
I've been talking to you about this all week.
How am I gonna find you in your boxers
looking in a science magazine?
I swear, Neil,
sometimes I think
you don't have any idea of what's important.
Well... actually...
an idea of what's important
is as close as we can ever come
to any definition of importance.
Our galaxy is one
of over 100 billion in the observable universe,
and it's 100,000 light-years across,
which means
it would take light 100,000 years to traverse.
Okay, but--
But that's just space.
If we were to chart the history of the universe
on one calendar year,
the history of mankind as we know it,
would just take place
in the final second of that year.
So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years,
well, cosmically speaking,
the distinction is meaningless.
Well... Okay.
I'm-- I'm going now.
Good-bye, honey.
True story.
I went down to San Francisco with my girlfriend.
Brup-brup-brup.
And we were going to an event,
and Bill Nye the Science Guy...
Was there?
No joke.
Bill Nye hit on my girlfriend
in front of my face.
Did he really?
Bill Nye the Science Guy...
You need the back the [bleep] up.
Dude, pussy hound, man.
That guy has laid down pipe.
Probably polycarbonate pipe.
Probably.
Hello, this is Gavin.
Hi, Gavin, my name is Colin Valenti.
I'm calling from Master Travel Incorporated
to tell you about an exciting limited-time offer,
exclusive Las Vegas getaway.
Can I have a few moments of your time
to tell you about this new package?
You know what, I would love to,
but I just don't have the time.
Hello?
Hm.
This is Colin Valenti, Master Travel Incorporated.
How may I be of service?
Hi, Colin Valenti.
My name is Gavin.
I think we just talked.
Did we get disconnected?
Yeah, no-- I mean, yeah, I hung up on you.
Why would you do that?
I mean, are you even--
Are you even allowed to do that?
Were you going to buy the Las Vegas package?
Well, I mean, probably not, but that's not the point.
The point is--
What the hell?
This is Colin--
Yeah, Valenti. Listen.
I don't know what crawled up your ass
and set up shop there, but you don't get to hang up--
What?
Oh, my G--
What the [bleep] do you want?
What is your deal, huh?
Um, you don't want the Vegas package,
so I don't want to talk.
I did us a favor, wasting our time here.
Stop, stop, don't you dare
hang up that [bleep] phone, okay?
Why shouldn't I?
Why shou--
What if I wanted the Vegas package?
Wha--you know what?
I want the Vegas package.
Sure you do.
What?
You mother[bleep]!
Oh, my God!
You son of a bitch.
Come on, man, let it go.
[bleep] you, man!
[bleep] you!
I want five [bleep] packages!
Right now-- You know what?
You know what? My wallet!
This is my credit card number, right here.
Okay, listen.
Get [bleep] off me.
My credit card number is 0074-5403-0098.
The expiration date is 12-20!
And then-- And then the-- Oh, yeah!
The security number is 084!
So run the damn card right now!
Right [bleep] now!
You run it right [bleep] now, asshole!
Thank you for your business.
Well, I hope you learned your le--
These new call scripts are really great.
Yeah, I know, right?
What the [bleep] do you want, Kathy?
Neil!
Who is she?
Who is the white bitch
that left this goddamn lipstick stain
on your collar?
Hmm?
Oh, I got you.
You're caught,
because this is apricot-colored,
and you know who wears that?
White bitches.
And you can't talk your way out of this one,
'cause I'm not getting confused today,
'cause I got my [bleep] in order
and I've done my research.
Okay, Neil?
You see,
we are here at this point in space-time,
on a human scale.
But at this point,
You a triflin'-ass mother[bleep].
So expect the papers from the lawyer,
'cause we're parting ways.
Well, actually...
No, no.
We are always parting ways and not parting ways
in every conceivable combination.
Many physicists, including Stephen Hawking,
now believe that there is
an infinite number of universes.
It's called multiverse theory,
and it suggests that there are an infinite number of universes
in which I didn't have sex with that white woman.
I [bleep] Bill Nye the Science Guy.
You bitch.
Bill Nye, little bitch.
Looking like a pimple
that I'm about to itch.
Scratch off your head, mother[bleep].
Try and take my girl?
You a sucker.
None of this is real.
Oh... [bleep]!
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com