1
00:00:05,027 --> 00:00:06,927
_
2
00:00:06,972 --> 00:00:09,106
MATT: Which is a 50-point bonus, so, um...
3
00:00:09,141 --> 00:00:10,540
COLLEEN: Uh, "thesbian" is not a word.
4
00:00:10,576 --> 00:00:11,975
(groans)
5
00:00:12,010 --> 00:00:13,343
"Thespian" is a word with a "P".
6
00:00:13,378 --> 00:00:14,344
- No, no, no, no.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:14,379 --> 00:00:16,113
Thesbian is a gay thespian.
8
00:00:16,148 --> 00:00:17,781
- (phone buzzes)
- Please look that up.
9
00:00:17,816 --> 00:00:19,516
Ugh, it's Chad. He's
here to pick up Princess.
10
00:00:19,551 --> 00:00:21,351
Wait, you told him where I live?
11
00:00:21,386 --> 00:00:22,919
CHAD: Princess has a tracking implant.
12
00:00:24,189 --> 00:00:25,956
Why is he always peering through things?
13
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:27,624
That's really creepy.
14
00:00:27,659 --> 00:00:29,626
Evening, Chad, how can I... ? Okay.
15
00:00:29,661 --> 00:00:31,895
- Can we talk?
- Hi, Chad.
16
00:00:31,930 --> 00:00:33,997
Like, without any lurkers?
17
00:00:34,032 --> 00:00:35,198
Anything you want to say to me, you can say
18
00:00:35,234 --> 00:00:36,199
in front of both of us.
19
00:00:36,682 --> 00:00:37,579
Fine.
20
00:00:40,239 --> 00:00:41,920
To whom it may concern:
21
00:00:42,674 --> 00:00:44,474
As you may be aware, I
have recently accepted
22
00:00:44,510 --> 00:00:46,409
a plea bargain for a
reduced prison sentence
23
00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:49,346
for my ongoing kerfuffle with the IRS.
24
00:00:49,381 --> 00:00:50,580
In light of my impending incarceration,
25
00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:52,178
I have prepared a list of final requests.
26
00:00:52,298 --> 00:00:53,550
This is a standard practice
27
00:00:53,585 --> 00:00:55,318
that everyone knows about and does.
28
00:00:55,354 --> 00:00:56,720
Uh, is this really standard? I'm not...
29
00:00:56,755 --> 00:00:58,422
This is my time. This is Chad time.
30
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Let's begin.
31
00:01:01,953 --> 00:01:03,393
Make love with Colleen one last time.
32
00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:05,095
- No!
- Absolutely not. No.
33
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:06,763
(muttering): See what else we have here.
34
00:01:07,286 --> 00:01:08,678
Nope, nope.
35
00:01:08,798 --> 00:01:10,033
Hold on, hold on.
36
00:01:10,068 --> 00:01:12,435
Do any of these requests
not involve us having sex?
37
00:01:12,471 --> 00:01:14,471
(chuckles)
38
00:01:19,978 --> 00:01:21,044
- Oh, wow.
- I knew it, I knew it.
39
00:01:21,079 --> 00:01:23,591
Come on, guys!
40
00:01:23,841 --> 00:01:25,015
I'm going to prison.
41
00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:26,449
Cannot happen fast enough.
42
00:01:26,485 --> 00:01:28,014
You got to do something for me.
43
00:01:28,313 --> 00:01:29,886
You guys are like the only family I have.
44
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:31,788
You, you're like my best friend, Mitch.
45
00:01:31,824 --> 00:01:33,690
We've met twice. My name is Matt.
46
00:01:33,725 --> 00:01:35,559
- Yeah.
- COLLEEN: Okay, look, maybe we do something
47
00:01:35,594 --> 00:01:39,029
like... like a-a last meal.
48
00:01:39,064 --> 00:01:40,530
Like your grandmother's tamales.
49
00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:42,566
Aw, that's sweet.
50
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,034
Yeah, fine.
51
00:01:44,069 --> 00:01:45,402
Are you serious?
52
00:01:45,437 --> 00:01:46,803
We were together for three years.
53
00:01:46,839 --> 00:01:48,638
It's the least I can do, a last meal.
54
00:01:48,674 --> 00:01:50,207
Okay?
55
00:01:50,242 --> 00:01:51,374
Tonita's tamales.
56
00:01:51,410 --> 00:01:53,276
- And then you can take me to prison.
- Fine. Great.
57
00:01:53,312 --> 00:01:54,677
- Seal it with a kiss.
- No. Hey.
58
00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:57,147
- No.
- Wasn't talking to you.
59
00:02:01,086 --> 00:02:02,819
Are you sure you're okay doing this?
60
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:05,055
Look, if it gets you
closure and we can move on,
61
00:02:05,090 --> 00:02:06,456
you know what, I'm all for it.
62
00:02:06,491 --> 00:02:08,406
Right, after today, we
are free and clear, okay?
63
00:02:08,426 --> 00:02:09,092
Just us.
64
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:11,595
No more of... that.
65
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,463
He didn't used to be this weird.
66
00:02:13,498 --> 00:02:15,232
- God.
- (clears throat)
67
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:16,800
We're gonna see what kind
of man you really are.
68
00:02:16,835 --> 00:02:19,002
I requested she make the tamales...
69
00:02:20,017 --> 00:02:21,972
extra spicy.
70
00:02:24,543 --> 00:02:25,976
I'd just like to point out the fact
71
00:02:26,011 --> 00:02:28,111
that she went black and
did, in fact, go back.
72
00:02:28,146 --> 00:02:29,646
Two alpha males going at it.
73
00:02:29,681 --> 00:02:31,681
Mm-hmm.
74
00:02:33,312 --> 00:02:34,951
- Abuelita!
- Nieta!
75
00:02:34,987 --> 00:02:36,853
- My beautiful girl.
- ¿Como estas?
76
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,088
(speaks Spanish)
77
00:02:38,570 --> 00:02:39,289
This is Matt.
78
00:02:39,324 --> 00:02:40,490
- Hi.
- Who I was telling you about.
79
00:02:40,525 --> 00:02:41,958
Mi corazón.
80
00:02:41,994 --> 00:02:43,093
Mijo!
81
00:02:43,128 --> 00:02:44,361
Come here.
82
00:02:44,396 --> 00:02:45,595
- Muy bien.
- You look beautiful.
83
00:02:45,631 --> 00:02:48,298
Okay, here we go. One, two, three,
84
00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:50,867
four, mm, mm, smoke it.
85
00:02:50,903 --> 00:02:52,002
Okay, let's wait inside.
86
00:02:52,037 --> 00:02:53,436
- This goes on a while.
- Okay.
87
00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:54,838
One more time. I want to get it perfect.
88
00:02:54,873 --> 00:02:56,640
- Yeah, all right.
- Excuse me.
89
00:03:00,078 --> 00:03:02,512
- MATT: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Mmm.
90
00:03:02,547 --> 00:03:04,147
Mm-hmm.
91
00:03:04,182 --> 00:03:05,849
You know what?
92
00:03:05,884 --> 00:03:08,885
I would say these are your
best tamales ever, Tonita.
93
00:03:08,921 --> 00:03:11,288
I am so honored you wanted them.
94
00:03:11,323 --> 00:03:14,783
Actually, I just asked for
Colleen to sleep with me again.
95
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,359
But these are good, too.
96
00:03:16,395 --> 00:03:18,161
(laughter)
97
00:03:18,196 --> 00:03:19,529
Why you not have sex with him?
98
00:03:19,564 --> 00:03:20,830
He's your fiancé.
99
00:03:20,866 --> 00:03:22,365
You give him your word.
100
00:03:22,401 --> 00:03:23,833
He is not my fiancé anymore.
101
00:03:23,869 --> 00:03:25,402
I'm with Matt now.
102
00:03:25,437 --> 00:03:27,504
And Chad's going to prison for tax evasion.
103
00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:28,738
He lied to everyone.
104
00:03:28,774 --> 00:03:29,973
But look,
105
00:03:30,008 --> 00:03:31,708
he's wearing a blazer.
106
00:03:32,911 --> 00:03:34,144
You know what?
107
00:03:34,179 --> 00:03:35,912
I bought you this.
108
00:03:35,948 --> 00:03:38,548
The guy at the store said it's
a traditional Mexican tequila,
109
00:03:38,583 --> 00:03:40,083
so I wanted you to have it.
110
00:03:40,118 --> 00:03:41,484
Thank you, Mark.
111
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,752
M-Matt.
112
00:03:42,788 --> 00:03:45,555
It's the same tequila my
stepfather used to drink.
113
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:46,990
Oh, wow, that's so cool. I had no idea.
114
00:03:47,025 --> 00:03:48,892
Before he beat my mama.
115
00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:53,029
- I'm so sorry.
- I don't, I don't know.
116
00:03:53,065 --> 00:03:54,531
- (softly sobbing)
- Okay.
117
00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:56,533
Great job, Mark.
118
00:03:57,354 --> 00:03:59,690
Mm-mm-mm, don't you do it.
119
00:04:00,806 --> 00:04:02,339
Don't you cry.
120
00:04:03,385 --> 00:04:05,691
Don't you let them see you cry.
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00:04:06,949 --> 00:04:08,078
♪ Because ♪
122
00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:10,447
♪ It's just like the ocean ♪
123
00:04:10,482 --> 00:04:12,682
♪ Under the moon ♪
124
00:04:12,718 --> 00:04:14,918
♪ It's just the same as the emotion ♪
125
00:04:14,953 --> 00:04:18,254
♪ That I get from you ♪
126
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:21,291
- ♪ You got the kind of loving... ♪
- Do you want to get some dessert?
127
00:04:21,326 --> 00:04:23,126
This usually goes on for a while.
128
00:04:23,161 --> 00:04:24,210
Okay.
129
00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:27,697
♪ Give me your heart, make it real ♪
130
00:04:27,733 --> 00:04:31,468
♪ Or else forget about it. ♪
131
00:04:31,503 --> 00:04:32,702
Well, that's not the way
132
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I wanted to meet your grandmother.
133
00:04:34,172 --> 00:04:35,271
You're gonna have many more opportunities
134
00:04:35,307 --> 00:04:36,539
to get her to like you.
135
00:04:36,575 --> 00:04:38,041
Today was about Chad saying good-bye.
136
00:04:38,076 --> 00:04:39,642
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna be honest with you, man.
137
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,379
I think that actually went
pretty terrible for you.
138
00:04:42,414 --> 00:04:44,447
Okay. But it was very fun to watch,
139
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:45,648
as somebody emotionally
removed from the situation.
140
00:04:45,684 --> 00:04:47,283
Thank you, Chad.
141
00:04:47,319 --> 00:04:49,652
I feel the same way right now
about taking you to prison.
142
00:04:49,688 --> 00:04:51,454
I can't believe I'm going to prison.
143
00:04:51,490 --> 00:04:52,655
Oh, it's not Guantanamo Bay.
144
00:04:52,691 --> 00:04:54,157
They have a water slide.
145
00:04:54,192 --> 00:04:55,892
Yeah, I'll get some reading done.
146
00:04:55,927 --> 00:04:57,227
Probably get my own room.
147
00:04:57,262 --> 00:04:59,129
Get to work out as much as I want.
148
00:04:59,164 --> 00:05:00,730
- Mm-hmm.
- During the allocated hours, of course.
149
00:05:01,448 --> 00:05:04,601
But have some time for rest and reflection.
150
00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:06,770
Take an honest assessment
of how I got here.
151
00:05:08,306 --> 00:05:09,472
(sighs)
152
00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:10,640
I can't do it.
153
00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:14,344
- Chad.
- Uh, what is he doing?
154
00:05:14,379 --> 00:05:15,578
COLLEEN: He's just being dramatic.
155
00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,080
He'll get back in.
156
00:05:17,115 --> 00:05:18,848
Watch, he's fine.
157
00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:21,451
Chad! Chad!
158
00:05:21,486 --> 00:05:23,553
Chad, get back in the car.
159
00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:28,124
I'm coming back for you,
Colleen Brandon Ortega.
160
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,259
Just you watch.
161
00:05:29,294 --> 00:05:31,428
(groans)
162
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,263
Oh, I'm full of tamales.
163
00:05:33,298 --> 00:05:36,132
(groaning)
164
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,005
Chad.
165
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,271
Don't do this, Chad.
166
00:05:41,306 --> 00:05:43,306
Don't forget to give Princess his pills!
167
00:05:47,679 --> 00:05:49,179
So much for closure and moving on.
168
00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:50,380
(sighs)
169
00:05:50,504 --> 00:05:52,504
_
170
00:05:52,989 --> 00:05:54,032
GREG: Mom, Dad.
171
00:05:54,052 --> 00:05:54,884
JOAN: Hi!
172
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,019
Hi there!
173
00:05:56,908 --> 00:05:57,787
Oh, hello.
174
00:05:57,823 --> 00:06:00,323
Baby delivery for the grandparents.
175
00:06:00,358 --> 00:06:01,524
Have at her.
176
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,159
You've got shoes!
177
00:06:03,195 --> 00:06:04,828
Oh, they're adorable.
178
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:07,497
And you're not even walking yet.
179
00:06:07,532 --> 00:06:10,468
Well, they don't have
to be so tight, do they?
180
00:06:10,588 --> 00:06:11,765
Oh, I see. Well, that's helpful.
181
00:06:11,885 --> 00:06:12,669
Isn't that helpful, Greg?
182
00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:14,137
JOAN: Did you learn how to walk?
183
00:06:14,962 --> 00:06:15,805
Wine?
184
00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:17,607
Yep. Thank you.
185
00:06:17,642 --> 00:06:18,957
Tell me when.
186
00:06:19,882 --> 00:06:21,010
Till it hits the air.
187
00:06:21,046 --> 00:06:23,012
- Tip-tip-top-top her off.
- Oh.
188
00:06:23,048 --> 00:06:24,180
That's half the bottle.
189
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,182
- Yeah, perfect, perfect.
- Cheers.
190
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:30,019
You like that pacifier, huh?
191
00:06:30,755 --> 00:06:32,355
Let me take...
192
00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:34,157
You're going with a pacifier.
193
00:06:34,192 --> 00:06:35,859
You obviously don't-don't like them?
194
00:06:35,894 --> 00:06:38,027
Oh, no, no, all my kids
195
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:39,229
were self-soothers.
196
00:06:39,264 --> 00:06:40,330
It's just so hard
197
00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:42,065
to wean them from a pacifier.
198
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,366
But you've read all that.
199
00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:44,634
You're such a good mom.
200
00:06:44,669 --> 00:06:46,102
Well, not as good as you.
201
00:06:46,138 --> 00:06:48,004
Oh, well, you know.
202
00:06:48,039 --> 00:06:50,507
By the third kid, you kind of get it right.
203
00:06:50,542 --> 00:06:51,708
(chuckles) Thanks, Mom.
204
00:06:52,189 --> 00:06:53,376
Where's her hat?
205
00:06:53,411 --> 00:06:54,744
It's chilly in here.
206
00:06:55,089 --> 00:06:56,045
I'll go get the hat.
207
00:06:57,482 --> 00:06:58,615
We don't need a hat.
208
00:06:58,650 --> 00:06:59,782
Oh, well, it's fine.
209
00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:02,085
I'll turn on the heat.
210
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,799
(clears throat)
211
00:07:07,259 --> 00:07:09,425
(coughs)
212
00:07:10,962 --> 00:07:13,897
Hey, why do you always
take your mom's side?
213
00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:15,698
I'm not taking anybody's side.
214
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:16,900
Okay, well, that's a problem.
215
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:18,434
I need you to take my side.
216
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,403
(chuckles) What if I don't agree with you?
217
00:07:20,438 --> 00:07:21,471
Well, that has absolutely nothing
218
00:07:21,506 --> 00:07:22,539
to do with taking my side.
219
00:07:22,574 --> 00:07:23,606
Uh, well, see,
220
00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:24,741
I just... (chuckles)
221
00:07:24,776 --> 00:07:25,942
I would think that
222
00:07:25,977 --> 00:07:27,043
you wouldn't want a husband
223
00:07:27,078 --> 00:07:28,378
that would just blindly agree
224
00:07:28,413 --> 00:07:30,146
to anything his wife told him to do
225
00:07:30,182 --> 00:07:33,483
without, you know, having his own opinions.
226
00:07:33,518 --> 00:07:35,418
(laughs) Oh. Yeah, no, yes, I would.
227
00:07:35,908 --> 00:07:38,888
Oh, all right, then I'll be on your side.
228
00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:40,323
Thank you, honey.
229
00:07:41,066 --> 00:07:43,551
Now will you tell your mom to
stop critisizing me?
230
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:44,289
Oh, no!
231
00:07:44,324 --> 00:07:45,523
No, no, i'm sorry.
232
00:07:45,559 --> 00:07:46,925
Can't do that.
233
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,159
But you just said you agreed with me.
234
00:07:48,195 --> 00:07:48,953
And I do.
235
00:07:49,073 --> 00:07:50,628
I agree with every word you just said,
236
00:07:50,664 --> 00:07:52,197
just not the point they make
237
00:07:52,232 --> 00:07:53,865
when you string all those
words together in a sentence.
238
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:55,100
Greg.
239
00:07:55,135 --> 00:07:56,768
She'll feel bad.
240
00:07:56,803 --> 00:07:58,536
Well, unfortunately,
it's either she feels bad
241
00:07:58,572 --> 00:07:59,771
or I feel bad.
242
00:08:00,215 --> 00:08:01,172
Or I feel bad.
243
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,375
You're feeling bad no matter what.
244
00:08:10,192 --> 00:08:11,687
Honey, is something wrong?
245
00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:13,818
No, no.
246
00:08:14,321 --> 00:08:15,120
I just...
247
00:08:15,155 --> 00:08:17,889
really wanted to encourage you
248
00:08:17,924 --> 00:08:21,626
to enjoy all the, the wonderful
benefits of being a grandmother
249
00:08:21,661 --> 00:08:24,714
without having any of the responsibilities.
250
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:26,464
I don't understand.
251
00:08:26,928 --> 00:08:29,334
Just let-let Jen...
252
00:08:29,369 --> 00:08:31,336
you know, uh, mother the...
253
00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:32,833
the baby.
254
00:08:32,953 --> 00:08:34,506
And just enjoy
255
00:08:34,541 --> 00:08:36,241
your granddaughter.
256
00:08:36,276 --> 00:08:37,709
Oh, I see.
257
00:08:38,299 --> 00:08:39,938
Did Jen ask you to speak to me?
258
00:08:40,303 --> 00:08:41,913
No. No.
259
00:08:41,948 --> 00:08:45,316
- This is coming from you?
- No! Uh...
260
00:08:45,352 --> 00:08:46,584
I...
261
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:48,386
agree with her.
262
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:49,587
You do?
263
00:08:49,623 --> 00:08:50,688
But I agree with you, too.
264
00:08:51,176 --> 00:08:52,490
I agree
265
00:08:52,526 --> 00:08:55,360
with everyone
266
00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:57,429
about everything.
267
00:08:57,464 --> 00:08:59,152
I mean, I'm just really happy,
268
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,451
you know, with the situation,
269
00:09:02,993 --> 00:09:04,516
with parenthood,
270
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,882
with...
271
00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:15,447
Just, you know...
272
00:09:15,482 --> 00:09:17,916
(sighs)
273
00:09:19,586 --> 00:09:21,252
Hey, Mom said you yelled at her.
274
00:09:21,696 --> 00:09:22,921
What? I didn't yell at her.
275
00:09:22,956 --> 00:09:24,377
Okay, listen, I'm coming over.
276
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:25,924
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
277
00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:28,126
- (cork pops, whooping)
- HEATHER: This is huge.
278
00:09:28,161 --> 00:09:30,411
You finally picked another woman over Mom.
279
00:09:30,531 --> 00:09:32,348
MATT: I came as soon as I heard.
280
00:09:32,468 --> 00:09:33,548
GREG: Heard what?
281
00:09:33,668 --> 00:09:34,665
You screamed at Mom?
282
00:09:34,886 --> 00:09:35,900
I am so proud of you.
283
00:09:36,381 --> 00:09:38,467
Yeah, and I didn't even tell him to do it.
284
00:09:38,587 --> 00:09:39,737
It's kind of like you read my mind, though.
285
00:09:39,773 --> 00:09:41,606
I didn't scream at Mom.
286
00:09:41,641 --> 00:09:42,874
We are so proud of you.
287
00:09:42,909 --> 00:09:44,108
Yeah, really, it's about time.
288
00:09:44,144 --> 00:09:45,143
Hey, don't let our mom fool you
289
00:09:45,178 --> 00:09:46,377
with that voice of caramel.
290
00:09:46,413 --> 00:09:47,712
- She will gut a bitch.
- Oh, I know.
291
00:09:47,747 --> 00:09:49,314
It's like she tries to hypnotize you
292
00:09:49,349 --> 00:09:52,450
(softly): with that sweet
music coming from her mouth,
293
00:09:52,486 --> 00:09:54,250
when what she's really saying is,
294
00:09:54,370 --> 00:09:56,421
(growling): "You are a disappointment."
295
00:09:56,456 --> 00:09:57,922
Oh, well, hey, don't
let her throw you, Jen.
296
00:09:57,958 --> 00:09:59,757
- You are an awesome mom.
- Yep.
297
00:09:59,793 --> 00:10:01,593
Thank you.
298
00:10:01,628 --> 00:10:03,561
Okay, I'm just gonna
get you a smaller blanket
299
00:10:03,597 --> 00:10:05,430
so you don't wrap this
around your little neck,
300
00:10:05,465 --> 00:10:06,898
and let's get that choking hazard
301
00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:08,433
out of there.
302
00:10:09,549 --> 00:10:10,635
Oh, my God.
303
00:10:10,670 --> 00:10:13,271
- You're doing it, too.
- What?
304
00:10:13,306 --> 00:10:15,473
Is this, like, a thing in your family?
305
00:10:17,058 --> 00:10:18,343
What are you looking at him for?
306
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,280
I agree with all of you.
307
00:10:23,088 --> 00:10:23,815
Oh, that's good.
308
00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:25,650
You're killing this.
309
00:10:27,870 --> 00:10:29,354
Hey.
310
00:10:29,389 --> 00:10:31,456
Next time you want to get
tough with one of your parents,
311
00:10:31,491 --> 00:10:33,376
come at me, not your mom.
312
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,678
What is happening?
313
00:10:35,798 --> 00:10:37,962
John, it's fine.
314
00:10:37,998 --> 00:10:39,785
He was right to speak up.
315
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,799
He's supporting his wife.
316
00:10:41,835 --> 00:10:43,001
Thanks, Mom.
317
00:10:43,036 --> 00:10:44,469
I still feel like a good fight.
318
00:10:44,504 --> 00:10:46,037
- Tim!
- Yeah.
319
00:10:46,072 --> 00:10:48,640
Oh, she's so beautiful.
320
00:10:49,541 --> 00:10:50,708
And... ? (chuckles)
321
00:10:50,828 --> 00:10:52,697
Just like her mom.
322
00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:57,181
Agree with your mother.
323
00:10:59,295 --> 00:11:00,518
GREG: Pretty cute, huh?
324
00:11:00,554 --> 00:11:02,520
You think you're gonna
want to babysit her one day?
325
00:11:02,556 --> 00:11:03,721
Mm-hmm.
326
00:11:04,738 --> 00:11:06,157
Not to change the subject,
327
00:11:06,192 --> 00:11:08,793
but I've noticed she's not
getting a lot of tummy time,
328
00:11:08,828 --> 00:11:10,827
which is crucial at this stage
329
00:11:10,947 --> 00:11:12,730
for neck and head development.
330
00:11:18,754 --> 00:11:19,961
You know, I think it's emotional.
331
00:11:20,081 --> 00:11:22,529
- Like when I was a kid and I killed all those turtles.
- What?
332
00:11:25,030 --> 00:11:26,830
_
333
00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:28,724
- SAMANTHA: Get out of my room!
- SOPHIA: Stop!
334
00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:30,492
(screaming) You have your own room! Mom!
335
00:11:30,528 --> 00:11:31,493
(all shouting)
336
00:11:31,529 --> 00:11:33,028
Get out!
337
00:11:33,064 --> 00:11:35,998
Okay, okay, which one of
you do I need to yell at?
338
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:38,968
- She's trying to sleep in my bed.
- Well, sweetie, calm down.
339
00:11:39,003 --> 00:11:40,736
It's just, it's a new
house. She's not used to it.
340
00:11:40,771 --> 00:11:42,228
You have your own room now, honey.
341
00:11:42,348 --> 00:11:44,520
Yeah, if you don't want
it, I'll turn it into a gym.
342
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,209
I got that Bowflex we're
still making payments on.
343
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,046
But the walls have eyes.
344
00:11:51,082 --> 00:11:52,314
HEATHER: Honey, no,
345
00:11:52,350 --> 00:11:53,649
it's just an air vent.
346
00:11:53,684 --> 00:11:55,050
I want to sleep in here.
347
00:11:55,086 --> 00:11:56,919
No way. She picks her nose.
348
00:11:56,954 --> 00:11:59,221
I've seen her get two knuckles deep.
349
00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:00,422
- Oh, God.
- I hate you.
350
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:01,323
TIM: Hey!
351
00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:02,658
- Come on.
- Leave!
352
00:12:02,693 --> 00:12:04,226
You know your mom hates booger talk.
353
00:12:04,262 --> 00:12:05,594
All right, how long's she been doing this?
354
00:12:05,630 --> 00:12:07,588
- A few weeks.
- And does she eat it?
355
00:12:07,898 --> 00:12:09,198
Does she pick her nose and then...
356
00:12:09,233 --> 00:12:10,165
No, no.
357
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:11,333
Thank you, God.
358
00:12:11,369 --> 00:12:13,068
She wipes it on the sheets.
359
00:12:13,104 --> 00:12:14,570
(groans) I think I might be sick.
360
00:12:14,605 --> 00:12:16,105
Why can't she just roll it into a ball
361
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:18,374
and flick it across the
room like everybody else?
362
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,009
Okay, so we need to be careful about this.
363
00:12:20,044 --> 00:12:21,677
Yeah, we make too big a deal out of it,
364
00:12:21,712 --> 00:12:23,445
then it's fetishized
and next thing you know,
365
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:25,581
- she's 35, buying boogers on Craigslist.
- Okay, you know,
366
00:12:25,616 --> 00:12:27,249
I think it's emotional.
Like when I was a kid
367
00:12:27,285 --> 00:12:28,684
and I killed all those turtles.
368
00:12:28,719 --> 00:12:30,886
- What?
- Nothing.
369
00:12:30,922 --> 00:12:32,087
One of us has to talk to her.
370
00:12:32,123 --> 00:12:33,355
Fine, I'll go.
371
00:12:33,391 --> 00:12:34,523
Okay, but talk to her
372
00:12:34,558 --> 00:12:35,758
like you're her father,
373
00:12:35,793 --> 00:12:37,293
not an ear, nose and throat doctor.
374
00:12:37,328 --> 00:12:38,827
Well, that confuses me because I talk
375
00:12:38,863 --> 00:12:40,462
to all my patients like I'm their father.
376
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:43,232
- TYLER: Mom?
- Go, go, go.
377
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:45,601
She won't leave and you
told me I can't smack her.
378
00:12:45,636 --> 00:12:48,037
Sophia, honey, you have
to sleep in your own bed.
379
00:12:48,072 --> 00:12:49,705
I hate my bed.
380
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:52,007
I want to move back to our old house.
381
00:12:53,277 --> 00:12:54,944
- All right, I'm going in.
- Yeah.
382
00:12:54,979 --> 00:12:56,645
She can't sleep in my bed.
383
00:12:56,681 --> 00:12:59,715
I know, and you don't have
to be embarrassed about it.
384
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:00,883
- What?
- Morning wood
385
00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:02,151
is not a big deal.
386
00:13:02,186 --> 00:13:03,252
There's a reason why that happens.
387
00:13:03,287 --> 00:13:04,620
- Mom, no.
- What?!
388
00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:07,156
What? Why? Hey, why are
you making this weird?
389
00:13:09,608 --> 00:13:10,675
Hey, kiddo.
390
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:13,007
Listen, um,
391
00:13:13,383 --> 00:13:14,096
I get it.
392
00:13:14,131 --> 00:13:15,798
You've always shared a
room with your sister.
393
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:17,232
Now you have to sleep by yourself,
394
00:13:17,268 --> 00:13:19,401
and that can be very scary.
395
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:20,913
(sniffles)
396
00:13:23,326 --> 00:13:25,607
Wow, it's like sleeping on a gravel road.
397
00:13:25,643 --> 00:13:28,744
I'm not picking my nose because I'm scared.
398
00:13:28,779 --> 00:13:29,778
Then why?
399
00:13:30,311 --> 00:13:31,647
It's a peanut.
400
00:13:32,232 --> 00:13:33,749
I stuck it up there two weeks ago
401
00:13:33,784 --> 00:13:35,351
and I can't get it out.
402
00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:37,453
What are you doing sticking
a peanut up your nose?
403
00:13:37,488 --> 00:13:39,670
You always say try everything.
404
00:13:40,413 --> 00:13:41,857
Yeah.
405
00:13:43,077 --> 00:13:44,793
That's why I got the Bowflex.
406
00:13:44,829 --> 00:13:47,129
Ah.
407
00:13:47,164 --> 00:13:49,031
(groans)
408
00:13:49,066 --> 00:13:50,933
Hey, why didn't you
just tell us about this?
409
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:53,635
I didn't want you to think
I was a stupid little kid.
410
00:13:53,671 --> 00:13:56,188
Hey, there's nothing
stupid about sticking a...
411
00:13:56,642 --> 00:13:58,007
You-You're not stupid.
412
00:13:58,933 --> 00:13:59,842
You know what I think?
413
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,112
I think you telling
us about this...
414
00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:03,345
Very grown-up thing to do.
415
00:14:03,381 --> 00:14:05,147
And that's how I know you're
ready to sleep in your own bed.
416
00:14:05,722 --> 00:14:06,949
I don't know.
417
00:14:06,984 --> 00:14:08,350
Can I have this?
418
00:14:08,386 --> 00:14:10,786
HEATHER: I, um...
419
00:14:10,821 --> 00:14:11,787
Too slow.
420
00:14:11,822 --> 00:14:13,655
(snickers)
421
00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:19,461
Okay, we can never tell him about that.
422
00:14:19,497 --> 00:14:21,497
Oh, I'm pretty excited to tell him.
423
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:57,166
(coughs) Aah!
424
00:14:57,201 --> 00:14:58,748
(laughs)
425
00:15:00,157 --> 00:15:02,057
_
426
00:15:02,585 --> 00:15:03,685
JOHN: Well, this is nice.
427
00:15:03,805 --> 00:15:06,503
A relaxing day of golf with my two boys.
428
00:15:06,623 --> 00:15:07,311
And you.
429
00:15:07,787 --> 00:15:09,093
You know, I was so excited about today,
430
00:15:09,213 --> 00:15:11,628
I got these balls custom-made
with the name of my practice.
431
00:15:11,748 --> 00:15:13,394
Is that cherry or what?
432
00:15:13,429 --> 00:15:15,229
"Dr. Tim Hughes.
433
00:15:15,265 --> 00:15:16,397
Ear Nose Throat Balls."
434
00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:17,175
- (snickers)
- What?!
435
00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:17,961
Is that what it says?!
436
00:15:18,503 --> 00:15:19,699
Oh, man.
437
00:15:19,931 --> 00:15:22,079
I got to stop ordering
stuff during surgery.
438
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,551
ALL: Oh!
439
00:15:24,474 --> 00:15:26,307
- TIM: There you go, big guy.
- MATT: Very nice.
440
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,713
- Wow.
- Yeah, to be fair, I am a great golfer.
441
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:31,170
People call me the
white Chi-Chi Rodriguez.
442
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:32,947
Because he tells them to.
443
00:15:37,387 --> 00:15:38,352
(coughs)
444
00:15:38,388 --> 00:15:39,453
Aah!
445
00:15:39,489 --> 00:15:41,522
(laughs)
446
00:15:41,558 --> 00:15:43,858
Double touch.
447
00:15:44,894 --> 00:15:45,960
All right.
448
00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:49,597
- Oh, wow!
- (laughs)
449
00:15:49,632 --> 00:15:50,998
I haven't golfed in months.
450
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,466
I guess I must have forgotten
451
00:15:52,502 --> 00:15:54,001
all my bad habits.
452
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,337
- Hot start.
- Didn't expect that.
453
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,673
Yeah, you're playing like Tiger Woods now.
454
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,174
But by the end of the day,
455
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,976
you'll be playing like Tiger Woods now.
456
00:16:06,637 --> 00:16:07,468
(laughing): Hey!
457
00:16:07,588 --> 00:16:09,372
I wasn't even focusing my eyes.
458
00:16:09,492 --> 00:16:11,032
Top of the leader board, Timmy.
459
00:16:11,397 --> 00:16:14,021
Looks like I got my work cut out for me.
460
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:16,324
Hey, you remember when
you beat Dad at Pictionary
461
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,326
and he burst a blood
vessel in his eye, right?
462
00:16:18,361 --> 00:16:19,961
Not my fault Heather and I cheat.
463
00:16:19,996 --> 00:16:21,662
Yeah, well, he hates losing
and especially to you.
464
00:16:21,698 --> 00:16:23,297
Loud and clear, buddy.
465
00:16:23,333 --> 00:16:25,299
There's no way in the world
I can beat that guy at golf.
466
00:16:25,335 --> 00:16:28,002
Now, cornhole, on the
other hand, that's my game.
467
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:30,504
Though don't offer to
play it at a truck stop.
468
00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:32,506
Means something else entirely.
469
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:37,678
Oh, it went in! Hot damn!
470
00:16:37,714 --> 00:16:40,214
- Now, what is wrong with you?
- I tried to tell him.
471
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,649
Why aren't you celebrating?
472
00:16:41,684 --> 00:16:43,517
Tim is having a great round.
473
00:16:43,553 --> 00:16:44,919
So this is all right?
474
00:16:44,954 --> 00:16:46,220
Uh-huh.
475
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:48,522
How about this? (imitates laser gun)
476
00:16:48,558 --> 00:16:49,924
Come on, son.
477
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,559
You ride with me.
478
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:54,528
(mouths)
479
00:16:54,564 --> 00:16:57,265
You know, we're gonna have
to break one of his fingers.
480
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,766
Yeah, all except the middle one
481
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:00,201
so it always looks like
he's flipping the bird.
482
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:01,418
I like that.
483
00:17:03,973 --> 00:17:05,373
(laughing): Oh!
484
00:17:05,408 --> 00:17:06,674
It's like I've been body-snatched
485
00:17:06,709 --> 00:17:09,076
by some amazing golfer alien.
486
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,512
You guys need to play with my
balls... I think they're lucky.
487
00:17:11,547 --> 00:17:12,546
I'll grab a couple.
488
00:17:14,579 --> 00:17:16,217
TIM: You got 'em. Take 'em.
489
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,619
Lean into it. (laughs)
490
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:21,055
Uh, I think our cart is faster than theirs.
491
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:22,490
(laughing): Yeah.
492
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,518
I'm gonna call Heather,
tell her to start looking
493
00:17:32,638 --> 00:17:33,536
for a second husband.
494
00:17:34,023 --> 00:17:34,765
I texted her.
495
00:17:34,885 --> 00:17:36,137
She'll be here in 15.
496
00:17:36,172 --> 00:17:37,344
Nice.
497
00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:38,628
Yeah, I guess I'm the only one
498
00:17:38,748 --> 00:17:40,408
who hasn't been running off to the trees.
499
00:17:40,443 --> 00:17:41,472
(laughs)
500
00:17:41,592 --> 00:17:42,756
(yelps) What are you... ?
501
00:17:43,265 --> 00:17:43,785
God.
502
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,025
Beating my dad?
503
00:17:45,424 --> 00:17:46,383
What, do you have heatstroke?
504
00:17:46,503 --> 00:17:47,501
Honey, it's okay.
505
00:17:47,621 --> 00:17:48,542
No. No, it's not.
506
00:17:48,662 --> 00:17:50,589
It never will be again
if you don't pull back.
507
00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:51,995
I am having the round of my life.
508
00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:54,110
And your dad is an adult...
he can handle losing.
509
00:17:54,230 --> 00:17:56,003
No, not to you... he's
had an issue with you
510
00:17:56,123 --> 00:17:57,774
ever since you refused to
ask for my hand in marriage.
511
00:17:58,018 --> 00:17:59,856
I didn't refuse to ask him. I asked him.
512
00:17:59,976 --> 00:18:01,616
- He said no.
- Okay, well, whatever.
513
00:18:01,736 --> 00:18:03,265
You have worked very hard to get to a place
514
00:18:03,385 --> 00:18:05,701
where he tolerates you,
so don't screw that up.
515
00:18:05,821 --> 00:18:06,808
I'm not screwing it up.
516
00:18:07,071 --> 00:18:09,470
Did you ever think maybe he
wants me to challenge him?
517
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,428
Show him that maybe I'm
as much of a man as he is?
518
00:18:12,548 --> 00:18:16,177
No, I never thought that because
I don't have dumb thoughts.
519
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,679
I'm going back out there.
520
00:18:19,413 --> 00:18:20,144
Hey, hey.
521
00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:22,314
This is like the time
you thought you could eat
522
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,904
an entire 42-ounce
porterhouse steak by yourself.
523
00:18:25,024 --> 00:18:26,498
My mistake was eating the fat.
524
00:18:26,618 --> 00:18:28,930
Okay, you are eating the fat right now.
525
00:18:29,882 --> 00:18:31,188
Hey, what took you so long?
526
00:18:31,308 --> 00:18:32,206
It's hot out here.
527
00:18:32,326 --> 00:18:33,424
Not as hot as I am.
528
00:18:34,099 --> 00:18:35,029
Look at this.
529
00:18:35,064 --> 00:18:36,430
I thought she was gonna talk to him.
530
00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:37,775
Whatever she said to him, it didn't work.
531
00:18:37,895 --> 00:18:40,468
- This is like when he tried to eat that steak.
- Yeah.
532
00:18:40,503 --> 00:18:43,037
Hey, did you guys know these
are your sister's clubs?
533
00:18:45,761 --> 00:18:47,508
You're up, Chi-Chi Blanco.
534
00:18:52,415 --> 00:18:53,647
It's with God now.
535
00:18:57,431 --> 00:18:58,530
(laughs) Is that mine?
536
00:18:58,565 --> 00:19:00,565
Ah, the old birdie tap-in.
537
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:01,950
Congratulations.
538
00:19:02,070 --> 00:19:03,602
Oh, well, you guys, too, really.
539
00:19:03,637 --> 00:19:05,036
Hell of a round, hell of a round.
540
00:19:05,072 --> 00:19:06,872
I mean, you, that drive on seven.
541
00:19:06,907 --> 00:19:09,156
You take away the wind,
and you are on the fairway.
542
00:19:09,422 --> 00:19:12,010
And you, you play every
shot out of the sand
543
00:19:12,045 --> 00:19:13,572
and you'd own this course.
544
00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:14,746
And this guy.
545
00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:17,756
Hey, most improved.
546
00:19:19,516 --> 00:19:21,119
JOHN: Yeah, and you had a great round, too.
547
00:19:21,154 --> 00:19:22,935
And you should be proud of that.
548
00:19:23,055 --> 00:19:24,556
You finish strong, like I do.
549
00:19:25,446 --> 00:19:27,417
Wow, thanks, Dad.
550
00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:29,643
I love you, son.
551
00:19:44,678 --> 00:19:46,278
I can't believe you're okay with this.
552
00:19:46,313 --> 00:19:47,712
Okay with what?
553
00:19:47,748 --> 00:19:48,813
Losing to Tim.
554
00:19:48,849 --> 00:19:50,034
Oh, no, no, no.
555
00:19:50,245 --> 00:19:51,249
I'm not gonna lose.
556
00:19:59,362 --> 00:20:00,282
Ugh.
557
00:20:00,402 --> 00:20:01,698
Uh, it's no big deal.
558
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,303
Still in the 80s.
559
00:20:05,098 --> 00:20:08,233
(everyone groans)
560
00:20:08,268 --> 00:20:10,368
Come on, you got this, Dr. Balls.
561
00:20:13,874 --> 00:20:15,173
(everyone groans)
562
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,207
Aah.
563
00:20:17,277 --> 00:20:18,643
Uh, what do you think?
564
00:20:18,679 --> 00:20:20,078
We each take a par and, uh, hit the bar?
565
00:20:20,113 --> 00:20:21,579
Yeah. Hmm?
566
00:20:21,615 --> 00:20:22,681
Yeah.
567
00:20:23,687 --> 00:20:25,116
(grunts)
568
00:20:25,771 --> 00:20:27,485
It was the kiss.
569
00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:29,154
(grunting)
570
00:20:29,189 --> 00:20:30,689
- GREG AND MATT: That's a stroke.
- Shut up!
571
00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:33,658
- That's a stroke. Stroke.
- Stroke. Stroke.
572
00:20:33,694 --> 00:20:35,493
- Round of my life, come on!
- GREG AND MATT: Stroke.
573
00:20:35,529 --> 00:20:38,038
- Come on.
- Give you a mulligan on that one, Timbo.
574
00:20:41,186 --> 00:20:42,786
_
575
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,875
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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