1
00:00:05,254 --> 00:00:07,154
_

2
00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:12,149
Naked cooking is really the
best way to start a weekend.

3
00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:13,355
Mm. Your parents leaving town

4
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:15,575
- is the best way to start the weekend.
- Mm.

5
00:00:15,577 --> 00:00:16,699
Oh, babe, no,

6
00:00:16,819 --> 00:00:18,614
- Princess will eat that for his dinner.
- Oh.

7
00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:20,115
Princess! Come on! Time for dinner!

8
00:00:20,235 --> 00:00:22,181
(kisses) Come on!

9
00:00:22,183 --> 00:00:24,454
Oh, he's probably in there
humping that therapy doll

10
00:00:24,574 --> 00:00:26,986
in my mom's office again.

11
00:00:26,988 --> 00:00:27,784
Princess?

12
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,175
Princess?

13
00:00:29,589 --> 00:00:31,379
- Oh...
- Oh, my God.

14
00:00:31,751 --> 00:00:33,432
- Wow.
- Oh, my God!

15
00:00:33,695 --> 00:00:35,495
Oh, look at this. Look at this.

16
00:00:36,186 --> 00:00:37,497
"I want a better life, away from you

17
00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:39,732
and you're stupid
boyfriend. Love, Princess."

18
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,534
<i>I'm</i> stupid? He used the wrong "your"

19
00:00:41,536 --> 00:00:42,655
- Okay.
- And, you know, right, right.

20
00:00:42,775 --> 00:00:43,785
I'm calling the cops.

21
00:00:43,905 --> 00:00:44,938
No, don't do that.

22
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:46,072
- Oh, my God!
- Hey!

23
00:00:46,074 --> 00:00:46,789
Chad?!

24
00:00:46,909 --> 00:00:48,875
Oh. Here he is! I found him!

25
00:00:48,877 --> 00:00:50,908
- (chuckles): I'm a hero!
- Chad,

26
00:00:51,028 --> 00:00:52,378
what are you doing here?

27
00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:54,681
I was... coming to get my dog back.

28
00:00:54,683 --> 00:00:56,316
- Then why is the room destroyed?
- Because...

29
00:00:56,318 --> 00:00:57,917
we had a very happy reunion.

30
00:00:57,919 --> 00:01:00,019
All right? We engaged in some roughhousing,

31
00:01:00,021 --> 00:01:02,755
- and we have a very physical relationship.
- Chad, you're supposed

32
00:01:02,757 --> 00:01:04,924
to be... oh, my God, I just
realized that we're still naked.

33
00:01:04,926 --> 00:01:06,021
Yep. Uh, air just kicked on.

34
00:01:06,141 --> 00:01:07,794
- I got the same draft.
- Mm-hmm.

35
00:01:07,796 --> 00:01:10,296
(sighs): All right, Chad...

36
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:12,004
what the hell's going on?

37
00:01:12,124 --> 00:01:14,985
I know you guys are upset,
and I shouldn't have broken

38
00:01:15,105 --> 00:01:16,852
that window when the door was open,

39
00:01:16,972 --> 00:01:18,202
or tried on your dad's hats...

40
00:01:18,322 --> 00:01:19,579
- Okay, how long were you here?
- Shh!

41
00:01:19,699 --> 00:01:20,571
Do I interrupt you?

42
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,596
Do I break into your
house and interrupt you?

43
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:23,312
Yes!

44
00:01:23,432 --> 00:01:25,578
I came here to pick up Princess,

45
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:27,146
because I've turned my life around.

46
00:01:27,148 --> 00:01:29,148
It's like that movie <i>The Notebook</i>

47
00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:31,684
if what happens is a guy
goes back to get his dog

48
00:01:31,686 --> 00:01:32,852
after turning his life around.

49
00:01:32,854 --> 00:01:33,924
(both) Well, that's not what
happens. Not what happens.

50
00:01:34,044 --> 00:01:35,321
I never saw it. And yes,

51
00:01:35,323 --> 00:01:36,652
I will take you up on that water, Matt.

52
00:01:36,772 --> 00:01:38,126
I didn't offer you a water, Chad.

53
00:01:38,246 --> 00:01:39,759
You're gonna want to.

54
00:01:39,761 --> 00:01:42,061
Because I'm about to change your lives.

55
00:01:43,346 --> 00:01:45,068
Think about all the time you spend

56
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,066
washing and cleaning your clothes.

57
00:01:47,068 --> 00:01:48,034
But...

58
00:01:48,036 --> 00:01:50,441
how much time do you spend

59
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,939
on the thing you wear most?

60
00:01:52,941 --> 00:01:55,194
Your skin clothes.

61
00:01:55,314 --> 00:01:56,389
- What's happening?
- I don't know.

62
00:01:56,475 --> 00:01:57,430
It's the thing

63
00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,442
you're wrapped up in that says
hello before<i> you</i> do.

64
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:02,343
Behold.

65
00:02:03,996 --> 00:02:05,098
My cream.

66
00:02:07,355 --> 00:02:10,023
But... he's selling skin products?

67
00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:12,625
Yeah, I hate to say it, but
his skin does look really great.

68
00:02:12,627 --> 00:02:14,025
- Did you see his pores?
- No.

69
00:02:14,273 --> 00:02:16,394
- Yeah, neither did I.
- No, but he's supposed to be in prison

70
00:02:16,514 --> 00:02:18,883
right now, not starting an
exciting and flexible new career.

71
00:02:19,003 --> 00:02:21,101
- I know.
- And we're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

72
00:02:21,221 --> 00:02:23,670
- What do we do?
- We got to call the cops.

73
00:02:23,672 --> 00:02:25,071
Mm...

74
00:02:25,073 --> 00:02:26,806
Okay, you're right, you're right.

75
00:02:26,808 --> 00:02:27,485
- I will call the cops.
- Okay.

76
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:29,041
- Keep him here. keep him talking.
- Right.

77
00:02:29,510 --> 00:02:30,970
Okay. Active ingredient

78
00:02:31,090 --> 00:02:33,146
in the restorative cream is oxygen.

79
00:02:33,582 --> 00:02:34,614
Fun fact:

80
00:02:34,616 --> 00:02:35,727
you can breathe this stuff.

81
00:02:35,847 --> 00:02:37,350
- No, you can't.
- Yeah. I once kept

82
00:02:37,352 --> 00:02:38,660
a goldfish in there for seven minutes.

83
00:02:38,922 --> 00:02:39,900
- What?
- Yeah.

84
00:02:40,176 --> 00:02:42,035
Now, I can sell this to
you for retail, but...

85
00:02:42,297 --> 00:02:44,997
if you become a representative, I
can get it to you wholesale price.

86
00:02:45,244 --> 00:02:46,765
How would you like to
be your own boss, Matt?

87
00:02:46,885 --> 00:02:48,761
Oh, so this is a pyramid scheme?

88
00:02:48,763 --> 00:02:50,290
No. It's a legitimate business.

89
00:02:50,298 --> 00:02:52,465
- No, but it's actually called Ponzi.
- CHAD: It's pronounced

90
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:53,733
- "Pone-zee."
- And the bottles

91
00:02:53,735 --> 00:02:54,734
are actually pyramids.

92
00:02:54,854 --> 00:02:57,103
It's upside down.

93
00:02:58,106 --> 00:03:00,753
Okay, you broke it,
you got to buy it, so...

94
00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:03,009
I'll take it out of your
first month's supply.

95
00:03:04,173 --> 00:03:05,372
No, no, he doesn't have a weapon,

96
00:03:05,492 --> 00:03:06,818
but he's supposed to be in prison.

97
00:03:06,938 --> 00:03:08,281
You have to come get him.

98
00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,416
What's he doing right now? (laughs)

99
00:03:11,519 --> 00:03:13,653
He's selling my boyfriend face cream.

100
00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:17,023
(quietly): Not a priority? He's a fugitive!

101
00:03:18,426 --> 00:03:19,311
Tax evasion.

102
00:03:19,807 --> 00:03:22,095
(groans) Oh, great.

103
00:03:22,097 --> 00:03:24,263
Thank you. Mm-hmm.

104
00:03:24,265 --> 00:03:25,138
Well?

105
00:03:25,258 --> 00:03:26,308
Cops are coming Monday.

106
00:03:26,556 --> 00:03:27,603
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

107
00:03:27,851 --> 00:03:29,228
Okay, we're gonna have to
get him out of here ourselves.

108
00:03:29,348 --> 00:03:30,704
- What are we gonna do?
- Just follow my lead.

109
00:03:30,824 --> 00:03:31,419
Okay.

110
00:03:31,539 --> 00:03:33,406
I think you guys should
try this exfoliating scrub.

111
00:03:33,408 --> 00:03:35,108
It's like Pop Rocks for your face.

112
00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:36,724
And fun fact: it's Pop Rocks.

113
00:03:36,844 --> 00:03:38,544
Hey, Chad, fun fact: we called the cops.

114
00:03:38,546 --> 00:03:40,113
You got about five minutes
before they show up,

115
00:03:40,115 --> 00:03:41,648
arrest you and take you back to jail.

116
00:03:41,650 --> 00:03:43,816
You ratted me out?!

117
00:03:43,818 --> 00:03:45,151
- Yeah. You better get going.
- Yes.

118
00:03:47,188 --> 00:03:48,788
(panting softly)

119
00:03:50,058 --> 00:03:51,991
And after I offered you a chance

120
00:03:51,993 --> 00:03:55,061
to make millions of dollars in
the comfort of your own home.

121
00:03:55,063 --> 00:03:56,963
Ticktock.

122
00:03:56,965 --> 00:03:59,966
Oh, I was a mortgage broker.

123
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:01,997
(pants) I had a fiancée.

124
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:02,824
- You.
- Me.

125
00:04:03,237 --> 00:04:04,917
I had a purebred poodle mix.

126
00:04:05,372 --> 00:04:07,306
And now I'm on the run.

127
00:04:07,308 --> 00:04:10,895
I'm squatting in a house that
I sold to a woman who's too old

128
00:04:11,015 --> 00:04:12,176
to use the stairs.

129
00:04:12,296 --> 00:04:14,184
If I have to hear her
open the door and say,

130
00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,242
"Is someone down there?" one
more time, I'm gonna lose it!

131
00:04:17,362 --> 00:04:18,068
Mm.

132
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:19,969
I just want my life back.

133
00:04:20,299 --> 00:04:21,140
(panting)

134
00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:23,578
I want<i> us</i> back.

135
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:24,857
- Oh, no.
- Uh, uh, that's just not...

136
00:04:24,859 --> 00:04:25,740
(muttering) I'm... I'm...

137
00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:27,360
- I'm hugging everybody.
- Okay, that's great,

138
00:04:27,362 --> 00:04:29,929
but look, you're running
out of time here, Chad.

139
00:04:29,931 --> 00:04:31,635
- Okay.
- Look, I'm really sorry that

140
00:04:31,755 --> 00:04:33,067
all of this has happened,
but on some sort of level

141
00:04:33,187 --> 00:04:35,023
you had to know that this
day was gonna come, right?

142
00:04:35,143 --> 00:04:38,271
Yeah. But I thought success
in my own skin care line

143
00:04:38,273 --> 00:04:40,773
was going to fix the
complexion of our relationship.

144
00:04:40,775 --> 00:04:43,411
Now I see the only way to
turn things around for us is

145
00:04:43,531 --> 00:04:45,914
- to accept the consequences of my actions.
- Great.

146
00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:49,182
So I'm gonna let the cops
come and get me. I'm ready.

147
00:04:49,184 --> 00:04:52,085
(Chad sighs heavily)

148
00:04:52,087 --> 00:04:53,853
I'm ready.

149
00:04:53,855 --> 00:04:55,588
Uh...

150
00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:57,023
yeah.

151
00:04:57,025 --> 00:05:00,026
- They're not coming.
- (groans)

152
00:05:01,730 --> 00:05:02,929
They're not coming?

153
00:05:02,931 --> 00:05:03,830
- No.
- No.

154
00:05:03,832 --> 00:05:05,164
You lied to me.

155
00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,833
Apparently, you don't pose a threat.

156
00:05:06,835 --> 00:05:10,002
(smacks lips) I can't even
get arrested up in here.

157
00:05:10,004 --> 00:05:12,071
- I mean, we're trying, you know.
- We know. We know.

158
00:05:12,191 --> 00:05:13,138
Okay, here's an idea.

159
00:05:13,258 --> 00:05:14,584
- Great.
- Call ten of your friends,

160
00:05:14,704 --> 00:05:16,542
ask them if they care about skin health.

161
00:05:16,544 --> 00:05:17,380
If the answer is yes,

162
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,112
have them call ten of their friends.

163
00:05:19,114 --> 00:05:20,848
- Hear me out.
- Or we could just drive you to prison.

164
00:05:21,082 --> 00:05:21,771
Again.

165
00:05:22,694 --> 00:05:23,934
You can pick the music this time.

166
00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:26,027
Not even Jack Johnson's

167
00:05:26,147 --> 00:05:27,515
gonna break me out of this funk.

168
00:05:28,923 --> 00:05:30,980
(Matt sighs heavily)

169
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,926
You know, I really got to give it to Chad.

170
00:05:33,928 --> 00:05:35,361
He's a good salesman.

171
00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:37,192
Another ten minutes in
that car ride to prison,

172
00:05:37,312 --> 00:05:39,565
I would've bought his
entire line of lotions.

173
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,642
Now he can use them as a
dowry for his prison wife.

174
00:05:41,762 --> 00:05:43,226
You kidding me? With those cheekbones

175
00:05:43,346 --> 00:05:45,293
- he's gonna be the prison wife.
- (laughs softly)

176
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:47,173
Where were we? Naked cooking.

177
00:05:47,175 --> 00:05:48,908
(door opens) Can we skip the cooking part?

178
00:05:48,910 --> 00:05:49,809
Yeah.

179
00:05:49,811 --> 00:05:51,043
(door closes) Yeah?

180
00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:53,412
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm free!

181
00:05:53,414 --> 00:05:54,947
You got to be kidding me.

182
00:05:54,949 --> 00:05:56,382
Due to...

183
00:05:56,384 --> 00:05:59,085
prison overcrowding, I was processed

184
00:05:59,087 --> 00:06:00,720
and immediately released.

185
00:06:00,722 --> 00:06:02,221
The system works.

186
00:06:02,223 --> 00:06:02,955
No.

187
00:06:02,957 --> 00:06:04,157
Classic reaction.

188
00:06:04,159 --> 00:06:06,125
All right, let's watch some movies, huh?

189
00:06:06,127 --> 00:06:08,057
Movie night. We can watch<i> Shawshank.</i>

190
00:06:08,177 --> 00:06:10,830
I can tell you guys all the
things that are real and...

191
00:06:10,832 --> 00:06:13,189
what's just Morgan
Freeman chewing up scenery.

192
00:06:13,309 --> 00:06:13,982
(chuckles)

193
00:06:14,688 --> 00:06:18,137
So am I gonna get one of
these glasses of wine, huh?

194
00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:20,907
Eh...

195
00:06:20,909 --> 00:06:21,992
yeah, there we go.

196
00:06:22,566 --> 00:06:24,066
_

197
00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:28,105
Everything looks good.

198
00:06:28,225 --> 00:06:29,923
You guys are free to resume

199
00:06:30,043 --> 00:06:32,118
all normal activities.

200
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,284
All right,

201
00:06:33,404 --> 00:06:34,915
- back in business, bro.
- Yeah.

202
00:06:35,035 --> 00:06:36,906
You may find it more comfortable with this.

203
00:06:37,026 --> 00:06:39,088
Just be aware that it might feel a little

204
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:40,576
different than it did before.

205
00:06:40,829 --> 00:06:43,162
Uh, d-different? Like how?

206
00:06:43,164 --> 00:06:46,465
Well, whereas before it may have felt

207
00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:49,368
like the firm handshake
of a closed business deal,

208
00:06:49,370 --> 00:06:51,200
now it may feel more like

209
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,806
the mandatory handshake
of an eight-year-old

210
00:06:53,808 --> 00:06:55,975
at his parents' dinner party.

211
00:06:55,977 --> 00:06:58,277
Wow.

212
00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:00,379
All right. Green light, green light.

213
00:07:00,381 --> 00:07:01,848
Baby... crib, you... bedroom.

214
00:07:01,850 --> 00:07:02,907
Come on, people, let's do this.

215
00:07:03,027 --> 00:07:04,917
The runway is clear and the fog has lifted.

216
00:07:04,919 --> 00:07:06,953
I've not asked much of you
during your short, brief life,

217
00:07:06,955 --> 00:07:09,922
but today, I'm begging
you, please go to sleep.

218
00:07:10,859 --> 00:07:12,859
Okay. Oh.

219
00:07:12,861 --> 00:07:14,994
- Oh, hello.
- Wow.

220
00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:16,729
Okay, yeah. That's good.

221
00:07:16,731 --> 00:07:18,664
It's very casual, very relaxed.

222
00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,766
Hey, uh, honey.

223
00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:22,835
Let's turn the lights
off, like, just in case

224
00:07:22,837 --> 00:07:25,438
it looks like something
exploded down there.

225
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,839
Yeah, uh, well, speaking of exploded,

226
00:07:26,841 --> 00:07:28,908
I'm sorry if this is going to go quick.

227
00:07:28,910 --> 00:07:30,810
It's just been a while since I've done it.

228
00:07:30,812 --> 00:07:32,144
With another person, you mean.

229
00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:33,283
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

230
00:07:33,403 --> 00:07:34,231
Will you get the stuff that...

231
00:07:34,351 --> 00:07:36,048
-  the doctor gave me, okay?
- Oh, yeah.

232
00:07:36,050 --> 00:07:37,084
And really overdo it, you know.

233
00:07:37,204 --> 00:07:39,213
Think like a hair gel at a bar mitzvah.

234
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,556
Okay.

235
00:07:40,676 --> 00:07:42,321
All right.

236
00:07:42,552 --> 00:07:44,090
- You got it?
- Yeah.

237
00:07:44,092 --> 00:07:45,524
Really doing it. Okay, okay.

238
00:07:45,526 --> 00:07:46,859
- Here we go.
- Here we go.

239
00:07:46,861 --> 00:07:48,261
- Hi.
- (laughs): Hi.

240
00:07:48,263 --> 00:07:49,962
(moaning)

241
00:07:49,964 --> 00:07:51,530
Feels like I'm on fire down there.

242
00:07:51,532 --> 00:07:53,833
- Yeah, me, too.
- (laughs)

243
00:07:53,835 --> 00:07:55,568
(moaning)

244
00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:57,770
Oh, no, it's like... like my genitals

245
00:07:57,772 --> 00:07:59,205
are-are actually burning.

246
00:07:59,207 --> 00:08:01,107
Yeah, mine, too. (grunts)

247
00:08:01,109 --> 00:08:02,575
What?

248
00:08:02,577 --> 00:08:04,176
This is hand sanitizer.

249
00:08:04,178 --> 00:08:06,279
- Oh, it burns!
- Oh, my God.

250
00:08:06,281 --> 00:08:08,581
(Jen yells, Greg grunts)

251
00:08:08,583 --> 00:08:10,049
(water running) There's
steam coming off of it.

252
00:08:10,051 --> 00:08:12,551
JEN: Oh, it looks like
morning on a golf course.

253
00:08:12,553 --> 00:08:14,620
GREG: Oh, come on, honey, get off the sink,

254
00:08:14,622 --> 00:08:16,589
JEN: I will not get off the sink!

255
00:08:16,591 --> 00:08:17,757
Oh, that's my side!

256
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:19,191
- Okay, fine...
- (yells)

257
00:08:19,193 --> 00:08:20,898
Yeah, no, we checked online.

258
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,728
We're just wondering if
there's anything medically

259
00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:24,061
we can do to speed this along?

260
00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:26,254
Relax, it'll go away in a couple hours.

261
00:08:26,374 --> 00:08:27,990
Oh, that's not what I wanted to hear.

262
00:08:28,110 --> 00:08:29,390
You have what we in the medical profession

263
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,439
refer to as "cleanis."

264
00:08:31,737 --> 00:08:33,472
Oh, that is charming.

265
00:08:33,474 --> 00:08:34,877
Okay, well, thank you.

266
00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:37,276
Um, and, let's, obviously, let's keep this,

267
00:08:37,278 --> 00:08:39,046
um, between ourselves, huh?

268
00:08:39,166 --> 00:08:40,049
Of course.

269
00:08:41,118 --> 00:08:42,484
Heather, get down here!

270
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:44,688
You're not gonna believe this!

271
00:08:46,321 --> 00:08:47,954
All right, you sure you
want to try this again?

272
00:08:48,074 --> 00:08:49,662
Yeah, we just gotta get
right back on the horse.

273
00:08:49,993 --> 00:08:51,724
Okay, but now you just said horse,

274
00:08:51,726 --> 00:08:53,092
and that's a lot to live up to.

275
00:08:53,094 --> 00:08:54,694
- Let's go. Okay.
- Okay.

276
00:08:54,696 --> 00:08:56,395
Okay, okay.

277
00:08:56,397 --> 00:08:58,431
- (Greg moaning)
- (Lark crying)

278
00:08:58,433 --> 00:09:00,433
(crying continues)

279
00:09:00,435 --> 00:09:02,114
No, no, no. You know
what, we're doing this.

280
00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:04,403
Yeah, babies cry. Babies cry all the time.

281
00:09:04,405 --> 00:09:05,905
- It's not the end of the world.
- No.

282
00:09:05,907 --> 00:09:07,907
And, like, what would they do in France?

283
00:09:07,909 --> 00:09:10,109
We'd be doing it while you give birth.

284
00:09:10,111 --> 00:09:11,777
- (crying continues)
- Touché.

285
00:09:11,779 --> 00:09:14,313
(crying stops)

286
00:09:18,029 --> 00:09:20,252
- Go. Go. Go. Go.
- We got to go. Go, go, go.

287
00:09:20,254 --> 00:09:21,921
Oh, God. Oh, God, Lark?

288
00:09:21,923 --> 00:09:24,557
I'm sorry we ignored you.

289
00:09:26,461 --> 00:09:29,662
She's asleep, she's
alive, and I brought these.

290
00:09:29,664 --> 00:09:31,030
Thank you.

291
00:09:31,032 --> 00:09:32,558
So, listen, no pressure,

292
00:09:32,589 --> 00:09:35,454
but we have to do this now
or our marriage is dead.

293
00:09:35,697 --> 00:09:37,029
Oh, we have to do this now

294
00:09:37,149 --> 00:09:39,338
or my entire body is going to turn blue.

295
00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:40,006
(clinks)

296
00:09:40,008 --> 00:09:42,141
Well, okay.

297
00:09:43,778 --> 00:09:45,444
- Okay.
- All right.

298
00:09:45,446 --> 00:09:47,747
Come on, Blue Man Group, let's do this.

299
00:09:47,749 --> 00:09:50,340
- Oh. Ooh.
- Oh, that's quite the handshake...

300
00:09:50,362 --> 00:09:51,332
you've got there.

301
00:09:51,452 --> 00:09:53,686
(whispers): Wrong hand.

302
00:09:58,426 --> 00:10:00,292
It's good. I'm good. It's good.

303
00:10:00,294 --> 00:10:01,927
- Yeah, close your eyes a little.
- No, I think it's good. (coughs)

304
00:10:04,851 --> 00:10:05,951
_

305
00:10:07,462 --> 00:10:09,806
Okay, you know, I mean, the
bruising I totally expected,

306
00:10:09,808 --> 00:10:11,924
but, come on, a yeast infection?

307
00:10:12,277 --> 00:10:13,941
Nobody warned me that white-water rafting

308
00:10:14,061 --> 00:10:17,013
would be so punishing
on my little pita pocket.

309
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,587
It's good. I'm good. It's good.

310
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,021
You...

311
00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:28,925
are all set, girl.

312
00:10:28,927 --> 00:10:30,060
(both laugh)

313
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:32,362
I'm ready to be in a Whitesnake video.

314
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,266
Oh, wow, look.

315
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,702
Yes, well, hi.

316
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:40,670
It's good, right? You're next, girl.

317
00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:42,444
Have a seat, I'm going
to go mix up your color.

318
00:10:42,653 --> 00:10:44,941
I'm gonna sneak a couple
drags off my e-cig.

319
00:10:46,478 --> 00:10:48,548
Why... why is it so big?

320
00:10:48,668 --> 00:10:50,714
Well, maybe it'll rain on the way home

321
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,092
and bring it down.

322
00:10:52,212 --> 00:10:54,395
It's not what I asked for, again.

323
00:10:54,417 --> 00:10:56,135
Did she understand what you wanted?

324
00:10:56,158 --> 00:10:59,022
I cut 12 pictures of Heidi
Klum out of magazines for her.

325
00:10:59,024 --> 00:11:00,357
Like I have nothing better to do.

326
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:02,225
- Okay.
- Like I'm Seal.

327
00:11:02,227 --> 00:11:04,327
Well, you say something to her, that's all.

328
00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:07,431
Lynette, Heather has something
she'd like to say to you.

329
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,534
We're moving.

330
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:12,602
Huh?

331
00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:15,472
To Paris... next week.

332
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,874
- Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
- Yeah. Yeah.

333
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,276
Girl, I am going to miss you.

334
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,111
Oh, yeah. Me, too.

335
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,379
(mouthing)

336
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,747
Oh, oh, my God.

337
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,549
And you must be so sad.

338
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:29,720
Oh, it did kind of come out of nowhere.

339
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:30,821
Mm-hmm, y-yeah.

340
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,189
Nowhere.

341
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,658
Oh, I've wanted to do that for so long.

342
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:36,093
I feel so free.

343
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:38,328
You know, this could
just be the hair talking,

344
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,063
but I want to get day-drunk.

345
00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:41,631
Why did you lie?

346
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:44,401
Why didn't you just stop going?

347
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,670
This is just better for everybody.

348
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:48,238
Not for me.

349
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,674
Now every time I go get my
hair done, I have to lie.

350
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:52,609
And people always know I'm lying

351
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:55,445
because eventually I say I'm lying.

352
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,147
Mom, it'll be fine. You
know what this is like?

353
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:58,415
It's just like that time

354
00:11:58,417 --> 00:11:59,783
you broke up with Mark Pauley for me.

355
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,351
That was not fine.

356
00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:03,220
He climbed up our tree.

357
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,589
We had to call the fire department.

358
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,057
You know what I think this is about?

359
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:09,493
I think this is about you being jealous

360
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,429
because you want to break
up with Lynette, too.

361
00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:15,065
- I do.
- Yeah.

362
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,333
I really do.

363
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:17,567
I've wanted to for years

364
00:12:17,569 --> 00:12:18,835
but I've buried it.

365
00:12:18,837 --> 00:12:20,103
Let it out.

366
00:12:20,105 --> 00:12:21,805
Why is she always e-mailing me

367
00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:23,807
pictures of cats?

368
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:24,841
You don't need that.

369
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:26,143
She's cut my hair

370
00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:29,212
in exactly the same way for years.

371
00:12:29,214 --> 00:12:31,114
Yes, she has, and we are sick of it.

372
00:12:31,116 --> 00:12:33,560
And why does she always call me "girl"?

373
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,952
You know what, tell her

374
00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:38,424
that you are going to prison for murder.

375
00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:40,290
Tell her you're going to prison for murder.

376
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:41,925
That way she won't question you.

377
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,728
No, I'm not going to lie.

378
00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:46,163
I'm a therapist.

379
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,865
I'm a grown-ass woman.

380
00:12:49,215 --> 00:12:50,267
SOPHIA: <i>Okay.</i>

381
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,687
Now we're at the part
where I call you<i> girl</i>

382
00:12:52,807 --> 00:12:55,372
- Oh.
- and you hate your haircut.

383
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,340
Lynette, um,

384
00:12:57,342 --> 00:12:58,809
I need to talk to you.

385
00:12:58,811 --> 00:13:01,011
Uh, this isn't easy.

386
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,280
But I've given it a lot of thought

387
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,849
and I really think I
need a new hairstylist.

388
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,584
(gasp) How could you?!

389
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:08,852
I'm very upset.

390
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:11,488
I hope you get lice and die.

391
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,690
You don't think she'll say that, do you?

392
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,292
I hope not, Mom-Mom.

393
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,861
I just want you to be ready for the worst.

394
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,296
I'm home.

395
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:20,897
JOAN: Mom's home.

396
00:13:20,899 --> 00:13:21,832
Hi, Mom.

397
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,266
Is it Mom, or is it

398
00:13:23,268 --> 00:13:25,601
the brunette, six months
younger Heidi Klum?

399
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:26,970
JOAN: Oh, Heather.

400
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,405
It's gorgeous.

401
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:31,116
I went to Jen's place and it was amazing.

402
00:13:31,236 --> 00:13:32,868
There were all these chic lesbians there

403
00:13:32,988 --> 00:13:34,112
dressed in black with tattoos

404
00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:35,679
and music I've never heard of.

405
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,219
Oh, it sounds so lovely.

406
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,049
I didn't know how good it could be.

407
00:13:39,051 --> 00:13:40,580
You can, too, Mom.

408
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,052
Come on in, the water's warm.

409
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:44,621
Can I keep this?

410
00:13:49,655 --> 00:13:51,143
LYNETTE: <i>No, you think that happens</i>

411
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,263
at, like, any other dojo or just mine?

412
00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:56,715
Well, unfortunately, I don't
know a lot about ringworm.

413
00:13:56,730 --> 00:13:58,034
Oh, I'll tell you something, girl,

414
00:13:58,036 --> 00:13:59,974
- that cream is expensive.
- Yeah.

415
00:14:00,094 --> 00:14:01,304
I mean, even if you get it from a vet.

416
00:14:01,306 --> 00:14:04,541
Lynette, I-I really need to
talk to you about something.

417
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,409
If-if you don't mind.

418
00:14:06,411 --> 00:14:08,111
Mm-hmm. Oh, hang on. (phone buzzing)

419
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,759
(gasps) It's my boyfriend.

420
00:14:09,879 --> 00:14:10,780
Sorry, he's, like, tried me three times.

421
00:14:10,782 --> 00:14:11,982
Let me just take this?

422
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,466
- Sure.
- Okay.

423
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:17,287
You can do this. You can do this.

424
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:19,341
Do you want to look
like an '80s broadcaster

425
00:14:19,461 --> 00:14:20,651
for the rest of your life?

426
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,060
Lynette... he broke up with me.

427
00:14:24,062 --> 00:14:25,821
- What?
- How come everyone I love...

428
00:14:25,843 --> 00:14:27,097
always leaves me?

429
00:14:27,217 --> 00:14:29,332
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- What?

430
00:14:30,185 --> 00:14:33,467
I said, I-I'm so sorry, and I know

431
00:14:33,587 --> 00:14:35,672
you'd like to process this privately, so...

432
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:38,294
- No, no, no. No, I have, um...
- I look fine. I'm just gonna go.

433
00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,443
I have, um, some white wine in my purse.

434
00:14:40,445 --> 00:14:43,914
And we could just put it over ice. Hug.

435
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,248
Oh...

436
00:14:45,958 --> 00:14:47,851
I'm here for you.

437
00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:51,521
Girl.

438
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,391
My mom lets me watch R movies.

439
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,359
Yeah, but have you seen<i> Alien?</i>

440
00:14:56,361 --> 00:14:58,194
- BOTH: No.
- (Tim roars)

441
00:15:00,318 --> 00:15:02,218
_

442
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,235
(inhales and blows raspberries repeatedly)

443
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,804
Just a couple more breaths,
I'll have it all blown up.

444
00:15:07,069 --> 00:15:08,688
Dad, you're such a dork.

445
00:15:09,164 --> 00:15:10,842
Thank you.

446
00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:12,176
You're my favorite dad.

447
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:13,945
Ah, I'm your only dad.

448
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,781
- Hey, Sam, happy birthday!
- Hey!

449
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,850
- Happy birthday!
- How are you?

450
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:21,119
- Great. How are you?
- TIM: Hey, girls!

451
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,955
Who's ready to jumpty jump?!

452
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,690
Oh, man. A bounce house?

453
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,326
What is this, baby's first party?

454
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:31,829
Yeah... Yeah, Dad, I'm not five!

455
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,164
Come on.

456
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,531
Let's go inside.

457
00:15:37,330 --> 00:15:39,106
TIM: <i>I don't understand
what happened.</i>

458
00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:41,005
I mean, she asked for a bounce house.

459
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:43,007
Honey, she's 13. 13 is the state line

460
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,042
between adorable and intolerable.

461
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,744
One minute, she's my perfect little angel,

462
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,413
and the next minute,
she's like this sea beast

463
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,715
with three mouths
stacked inside each other.

464
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,650
Yeah, well, I hate to tell
you, she's gonna be a sea beast

465
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,752
till she's about 23, then
you have a couple good years.

466
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,421
She'll go back to sea beast.

467
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,890
Then, after that, it just
rotates, depending on nothing.

468
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,625
But Tyler was never a sea beast.

469
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,004
No, because...

470
00:16:02,124 --> 00:16:03,828
- Tyler takes 40-minute showers.
- Ah.

471
00:16:04,438 --> 00:16:07,098
His puberty is single-handedly
responsible for the drought.

472
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,466
-  Ah.
- You know, she's becoming...

473
00:16:08,586 --> 00:16:09,364
a young woman.

474
00:16:09,484 --> 00:16:11,909
She-she has new friends and new feelings,

475
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:14,472
and she just wants to
be treated like an adult.

476
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,740
So, we just talk about interest rates

477
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,074
and how bad our knees hurt?

478
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,310
No, you talk about nothing.

479
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,613
You just try to avoid eye
contact and stay out of her way.

480
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,348
Treat her like my mom. Got it.

481
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,484
Hey, girls, pizza's here.

482
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,487
Hey, so, should I serve them, or
are they gonna serve themselves?

483
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,089
- I mean, how does this work?
- (loud, overlapping chatter)

484
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,759
Heather?

485
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,762
Oh, she is good at this.

486
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,198
Hello, ladies.

487
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,733
You partying or what?

488
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,870
Dad, are you gonna eat with us?

489
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,473
No.

490
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,075
I can find someplace else to eat.

491
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,280
(exhales loudly)

492
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,684
(movie music plays)

493
00:17:00,361 --> 00:17:02,186
KYLIE: This is so fake.

494
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,455
In real life, you have to turn
your head to the side, and open

495
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,367
your mouth only a little. That way the boy

496
00:17:06,487 --> 00:17:08,092
still has to work to
get it all the way open.

497
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,629
I like scary movies.

498
00:17:12,141 --> 00:17:13,211
PG is for babies.

499
00:17:13,331 --> 00:17:15,913
TIM: You guys like scary movies,huh?

500
00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:18,836
I got a good one for you, but it's rated R.

501
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,204
Really?

502
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,039
My mom lets me watch R movies.

503
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,876
Yeah, but have you seen<i> Alien?</i>

504
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,711
What, is that like<i> E.T.?</i>

505
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:30,114
Yeah, if E.T. went... (roars)

506
00:17:30,116 --> 00:17:32,016
(overlapping chatter)

507
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,785
"And the cow vowed to always eat clover,

508
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,655
no matter how many leaves it had"

509
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,124
(man grunting on TV)

510
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:43,294
(yelling)

511
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,464
"And the happy cow felt especially happy.."

512
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,165
(rustling on TV, girls gasp)

513
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,434
Oh, God.

514
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:51,769
(girls screaming)

515
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,838
(screaming continues)

516
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:58,230
"... knowing that he had
done right by his calves.

517
00:17:58,450 --> 00:17:59,651
The end."

518
00:18:01,238 --> 00:18:04,482
Daddy, why couldn't <i>I</i>
watch the movie, too?

519
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,651
Because you, my dear, are still a kid,

520
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,753
and we want you to stay that way forever.

521
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,997
Sweet dreams.

522
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,295
Okay. Night, night then.

523
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:20,031
Night, Daddy.

524
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,139
(shower running)

525
00:18:29,259 --> 00:18:31,142
Tyler, need you out here, buddy!

526
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,078
Could really use some
masculine energy in the house.

527
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,484
Dude, there's a drought!

528
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:42,335
(indistinct, overlapping chatter)

529
00:18:42,838 --> 00:18:45,823
Look at that! She cannot unsee that!

530
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,392
I am so sorry. I swear
when I left, it was...

531
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:50,261
it was a housekeeper becoming a princess.

532
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,800
Does<i> that</i> look
like a princess to you?!

533
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:55,132
Technically, its mother is the queen, so...

534
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,134
- Don't go, please.
- Hey, what's going on?

535
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,770
Don't touch me! You've ruined everything!

536
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,776
Hey! What were you thinking?

537
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,278
Well, you said, treat them like adults!

538
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,246
I was just trying to do something cool.

539
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,282
I said, no eye contact.

540
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,784
I said, "Stay out of her way."

541
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,941
Would have been easier raising you.

542
00:19:22,635 --> 00:19:24,355
Dude, seriously? It's been 30 minutes.

543
00:19:24,475 --> 00:19:26,397
I could really use a friend out here.

544
00:19:27,936 --> 00:19:29,390
My pizza in there?

545
00:19:37,768 --> 00:19:39,123
Can I come in?

546
00:19:39,814 --> 00:19:42,231
Thought you were mad at
me. What changed your mind?

547
00:19:43,663 --> 00:19:46,385
Kylie called you a dork.

548
00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:47,289
I am a dork.

549
00:19:47,608 --> 00:19:49,497
I know, but she can't say that.

550
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:51,724
Only I can say it.

551
00:19:51,726 --> 00:19:53,726
Sorry I screwed up your party.

552
00:19:54,455 --> 00:19:55,634
Just having a hard time

553
00:19:55,754 --> 00:19:58,864
understanding the women
in my life, you know.

554
00:19:59,594 --> 00:20:01,300
First five years I lived with your mom,

555
00:20:01,302 --> 00:20:02,731
all I did was apologize.

556
00:20:02,851 --> 00:20:04,208
You're still apologizing.

557
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,566
- I'm sorry.
- (laughs)

558
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:08,617
So am I.

559
00:20:08,926 --> 00:20:11,372
I actually thought the
movie was really cool.

560
00:20:11,492 --> 00:20:12,860
- You did?
- Yeah.

561
00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:15,383
That part where the alien
rips out the guy's stomach?

562
00:20:15,503 --> 00:20:17,477
Kylie almost threw up in her purse.

563
00:20:17,597 --> 00:20:20,650
(laughs) First time I saw that, I
spilled my drink all over my fanny pack.

564
00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:21,840
(laughs)

565
00:20:23,504 --> 00:20:25,576
Can we bounce for a little bit?

566
00:20:27,129 --> 00:20:30,196
We can bounce for as long as you like.

567
00:20:34,176 --> 00:20:35,554
Hey, you ever hear of<i> The Shining?</i>

568
00:20:35,674 --> 00:20:37,229
- No.
- Well, imagine

569
00:20:37,349 --> 00:20:38,903
every time you turn a corner,

570
00:20:39,598 --> 00:20:41,950
there's two Sophias standing there.

571
00:20:42,192 --> 00:20:46,888
Terrifying. One, two, three.

572
00:20:47,008 --> 00:20:50,038
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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