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Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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Hey, Soph, how was the game?
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We lost again.
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(groans)
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Our new coach sucks.
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I'm filling in for the old coach,
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who left to...
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chase the dragon.
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- I know what that means.
- You do?
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He went to play soccer in China...
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Oh, yeah.
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And chase that high...
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of winning.
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Which he can only do on heroin.
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She kept asking me why
rock stars are so skinny.
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What am I supposed to
say, diet and exercise?
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Ooh! You should coach Sophia's soccer team.
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You're great at soccer,
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you don't work on the weekends,
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you are oddly competitive about
hings that don't matter...
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More competitive than you are.
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Please, Uncle Matt?
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I don't like being a loser.
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I can relate to that.
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I would love to coach your soccer team.
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There you go, Jackson! Good job!
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All right.
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Keep trying, Sophia.
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Why didn't you tell me "good job"?
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Because if I said "good job"
when it wasn't a good job,
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hen my words wouldn't
mean anything, and I always
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want to make sure to
ell you guys the truth.
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- Hey, Coach Matt...
- Hey.
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Are my parents going to get divorced?
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Oh, I don't know.
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They seem pretty in love to me.
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That's my nanny.
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(shouting, cheers)
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There you go, Jackson! Be aggressive!
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I brought orange slices for the kids
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and homemade muffins for the adults.
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Oh, I'm too nervous to eat, I just...
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- I'll hold those for you.
- Oh. Thanks.
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Hey. Put Keifer in.
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Everyone's supposed to play equally.
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If Keifer played equally,
hen he would be in.
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But his, um, his head's
not really in the game.
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Keifer! That might not be your gum!
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(whistle blows)
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(kids shouting indistinctly)
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Come on, man, play him.
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I need something to post on Facebook.
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- Is she yelling at him?
- Yeah.
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- Oh, hell no.
- Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no.
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No, no, no.
- Let-let-let me do it.
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I-I-I speak angry parent.
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Okay, I'll follow you.
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If it gets rough, I'm
not afraid to throw down.
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- I went to college in Vegas.
- Good to know.
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- He's really good.
- Okay, um, hi.
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- He's really freaking good.
- Hey, guys, listen.
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- This is Matt's first game.
- Mm-hmm.
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So let's all take it easy on him.
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Why don't you guys just
go relax, have a muffin.
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Your husband ate them all.
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- Okay, here we go.
- No, no, no.
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- Here we go.
- Colleen,
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he-he did, he ate all the muffins.
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Actually, will you go check on him, please?
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'Cause he's lying down in the back of the car.
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Okay.
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All right, just... I just got...
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I'm gonna be watching.
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- Yeah, you'd better walk away.
- Okay.
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(groans)
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Thank you.
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You are welcome.
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Those sports parents are crazy.
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Man...
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Um, but Toby out there...
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super mellow parents.
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When you bench his slow ass,
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you can put Sophia in and
see what she really can do.
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Oh, I know what Sophia can do.
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- Yeah?
- Yeah.
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When you gonna put her in?
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When I need somebody to pick
daisies and count ladybugs.
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No, you're gonna put her in,
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because you're the coach
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and she's your niece. You put her in!
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- No, it doesn't work that way.
- Yes!
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It works the way I say
it works! I made you!
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(knocking)
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Hey, guys.
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- Hey, Coach.
- Oh, hey, Coach.
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(sighs)
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I'm sorry I didn't get
you any game time today.
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I got too wrapped up in winning and, uh,
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and so I'm gonna let a new coach take over.
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You're quitting?
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I'm leaving to spend
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less time with my family.
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But we won.
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We don't care if we sit on
he bench the whole time.
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You'd rather not play and
win than play and lose?
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Yeah! We get a pizza party when we win.
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You can't quit, Uncle Matt.
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Yeah, I need a positive male role model.
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My dad's a struggling artist
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who lives in his parents' garage.
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(cheering)
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Yeah!
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- Yeah, yay!
- Way to go, Jackson!
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Way to dominate!
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Hey, listen, um...
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I could watch Sophia sit
on a bench in my kitchen
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and not have all this sun damage.
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Put Keifer in! He's getting sick
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eating all that bench gum.
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Thank you, parents, for being
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so vocal with your suggestions,
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but we are now providing comment cards,
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effective immediately.
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Go Bobcats!
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- This is a terrible idea.
- Write it down.
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I can't even spell some of the
hings that I want to write.
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I can taste that pizza already.
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Now, do I have to read all of those cards?
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No.
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I'm gonna shred 'em
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and put 'em at the
bottom of my hamster cage.
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_
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(door closes)
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Oh, my beautiful great-grandson!
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Mwah!
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And look at this pinup
girl. (clicks tongue)
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You look like you should be
painted on the nose of a bomber!
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(both laugh)
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Cream cheese on toast.
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You like raisins?
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Oh. Uh, that's...
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I call it turds in the snow.
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(both) Sure.
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CLEMENTINE: I'm sorry to hear
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hey took away your driver's license, GiGi.
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Sons of bitches.
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I'm taking 'em to court.
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And by the time I'm done,
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I will own the DMV,
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and I will burn it to the ground.
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But enough about
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my customer service issues.
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My great-grandson
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is getting a brand-new
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1997 Town Car.
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It's so generous of you.
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Well, I need the parking
place anyway, for my organ.
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My neighbors don't appreciate
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good music.
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WOMAN (muffled): The walls
are very thin, Shirley!
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Shut up, Bonita!
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I'm gonna sue her.
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This place is awesome.
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It's like a cruise ship
hat doesn't go anywhere.
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Would you mind
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if I get more turds, please?
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It's blue under there.
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We'll take it to a car wash.
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After we write some swear words on it.
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TYLER: Oh, no, no, no, no. Um, uh...
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it's actually okay the way it is.
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We need to get to a concert, anyway.
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Not with a dirty car, you're not.
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I have a coupon.
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Come on, I'll show you
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how all the doodads work.
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You see that code pad on the door?
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You don't even need a key.
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It's like a spacecraft.
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00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:01,299
What's the code?
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00:06:02,327 --> 00:06:02,834
I don't know.
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00:06:02,836 --> 00:06:04,069
Just don't ever lock it.
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00:06:04,895 --> 00:06:05,904
You like it?
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It's so comfortable, I feel
like I'm driving a couch.
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Yeah.
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I could, like, completely
lie down in that backseat.
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Yeah.
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00:06:18,065 --> 00:06:20,118
GIGI: Your great-grandpa and I
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00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,972
used to take a road trip up
o a taco stand in Oxnard.
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00:06:25,277 --> 00:06:28,348
Oh, the best you ever tasted in your life.
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Yeah?
193
00:06:29,549 --> 00:06:32,195
Winston used to put some in the icebox.
194
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And then, every one in a while,
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he'd take one out and surprise me.
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He was a good man.
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00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,872
He sure was, GiGi.
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00:06:41,682 --> 00:06:42,761
Well, I guess we'd better
199
00:06:42,790 --> 00:06:44,595
get you home and get to our concert,
200
00:06:44,629 --> 00:06:46,528
'cause, uh, doors open in 15 minutes.
201
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:49,260
I have to pick up a prescription first,
202
00:06:49,272 --> 00:06:51,671
and get some of my diabetes candy.
203
00:06:51,872 --> 00:06:52,809
You mind, honey?
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00:06:55,345 --> 00:06:56,520
Yeah. Sure.
205
00:06:56,957 --> 00:06:57,888
As long as we're quick.
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00:06:58,574 --> 00:06:59,285
Here you go.
207
00:07:00,147 --> 00:07:00,894
Co-pay?
208
00:07:01,412 --> 00:07:02,798
There's no co-pay.
209
00:07:03,129 --> 00:07:04,726
You'll hear from my lawyers!
210
00:07:04,846 --> 00:07:05,883
She has lawyers?
211
00:07:05,928 --> 00:07:06,731
That's what she calls the guys
212
00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:08,332
who bring up packages to her condo.
213
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:11,128
- Ms. Pirkle...
- Save it for the judge, short eyes!
214
00:07:11,174 --> 00:07:14,305
I want to talk to someone who is not you!
215
00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:15,868
Hold on.
216
00:07:18,293 --> 00:07:19,176
Go! Go! Go!
217
00:07:23,905 --> 00:07:25,625
Just charge her card like we always do?
218
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:26,464
Mm-hmm.
219
00:07:29,454 --> 00:07:32,534
Well, it's been a great day.
220
00:07:33,812 --> 00:07:35,816
You two go on to your program.
221
00:07:36,469 --> 00:07:38,473
And park far away from the dance hall
222
00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,931
so the greasers don't steal your gas.
223
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:54,343
Maybe now that you two have some wheels,
224
00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:56,678
you'll come visit me sometime, huh?
225
00:07:56,903 --> 00:07:58,982
- Of course.
- We'd love to, GiGi.
226
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:03,703
You know,
227
00:08:04,075 --> 00:08:06,456
Radiohead will probably
be on tour again soon.
228
00:08:08,509 --> 00:08:10,160
Hey, GiGi?
229
00:08:11,542 --> 00:08:12,808
You hungry for a taco?
230
00:08:15,722 --> 00:08:17,934
A taco sounds delicious.
231
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:19,969
Yeah, I've never been to Oxnard.
232
00:08:21,550 --> 00:08:23,039
What's in Oxnard?
233
00:08:28,582 --> 00:08:30,714
This couch, I feel like
it's, like, your second wife.
234
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:32,937
I mean, it's new and it's perfect
235
00:08:32,972 --> 00:08:33,976
and it gives you everything you need.
236
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:35,153
But you know what? Let's see how firm it is
237
00:08:35,190 --> 00:08:36,919
- when it has a baby.
- Okay...
238
00:08:38,176 --> 00:08:39,976
_
239
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:41,625
JEN: What?!
240
00:08:41,970 --> 00:08:45,739
That is an insane way to end the episode!
241
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,015
- Greg?
- What?
242
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:49,949
Go to bed. You're falling asleep.
243
00:08:50,128 --> 00:08:52,512
No, I'm not. I was just resting my eyes.
244
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:54,322
Come on, hit me. Hit me with the recap.
245
00:08:54,324 --> 00:08:56,103
All right, um, okay, let's see.
246
00:08:56,126 --> 00:08:57,709
Oh, there was an ambush in the town square,
247
00:08:57,724 --> 00:08:59,512
and the terrorist ended up being a woman.
248
00:08:59,563 --> 00:09:00,951
- Greg!
- What?
249
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,663
You fell asleep during my recap.
250
00:09:02,665 --> 00:09:04,265
- No, uh, honey, I'm...
- Come on!
251
00:09:04,285 --> 00:09:05,566
Come on, I mean, I'm now here.
252
00:09:05,863 --> 00:09:06,788
I'm awake, I'm awake.
253
00:09:13,350 --> 00:09:14,320
Okay, time for bed.
254
00:09:14,371 --> 00:09:15,843
What? Okay.
255
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,044
That's fine.
256
00:09:17,046 --> 00:09:18,045
It's your loss.
257
00:09:18,542 --> 00:09:20,247
I was ready to binge.
258
00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:27,849
Hey, honey, I am so sorry
259
00:09:27,878 --> 00:09:29,008
I passed out last night.
260
00:09:29,031 --> 00:09:30,157
I don't know what happened.
261
00:09:30,824 --> 00:09:32,537
I mean, that's just what you do.
262
00:09:32,657 --> 00:09:34,697
If you're in front of
a screen, you pass out.
263
00:09:35,439 --> 00:09:36,484
That's not true.
264
00:09:37,674 --> 00:09:39,282
It's one of the truer things I've said.
265
00:09:39,801 --> 00:09:42,702
I mean, you fell asleep
watching the TV at the gas pump.
266
00:09:43,102 --> 00:09:44,761
I told you that's 'cause of the fumes.
267
00:09:45,139 --> 00:09:48,890
Honey, it's just, we don't get
hat much time together anymore,
268
00:09:48,926 --> 00:09:51,478
you know, that's, like, just us, and I,
269
00:09:52,266 --> 00:09:53,013
I miss that.
270
00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:55,396
Okay, I am sorry.
271
00:09:55,516 --> 00:09:57,354
- I'll try harder, okay?
- Okay.
272
00:09:57,474 --> 00:09:59,553
Tonight, I'll have a double espresso.
273
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,421
(indistinct chatter on TV)
274
00:10:03,251 --> 00:10:03,590
Greg?
275
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:06,906
Oh, I sort of...
276
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:08,217
Give me the recap.
277
00:10:08,882 --> 00:10:10,564
Okay, well, it was super crazy tonight.
278
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:14,572
Um, there was this guy
and he kept falling asleep.
279
00:10:15,479 --> 00:10:17,839
So she decided not to wake him up again
280
00:10:17,862 --> 00:10:20,739
and to just let him sleep
cramped on the couch.
281
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:36,323
B-B-B-B-Breakfast!
282
00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:38,792
Uh, good morning.
283
00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:40,839
How was the couch?
284
00:10:40,888 --> 00:10:43,632
Oh, I slept so good. So good.
285
00:10:44,288 --> 00:10:44,764
Look!
286
00:10:45,222 --> 00:10:46,443
Lark and I got four different kinds
287
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,528
of carrots at the farmers' market.
288
00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:48,768
And for the toothless set,
289
00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:49,807
she got a smoothie.
290
00:10:49,836 --> 00:10:51,104
Isn't that right, Lark?
291
00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:53,473
Or should I call you Spider-Girl?
292
00:10:54,143 --> 00:10:56,959
JEN: What, you waited in
hat face-painting line?
293
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:58,454
Oh, no, no, no, no.
294
00:10:58,574 --> 00:10:59,879
I brought her home and I did it.
295
00:10:59,999 --> 00:11:01,322
If you want I can give you something.
296
00:11:01,362 --> 00:11:03,636
I can give you a rainbow or a prison tear
297
00:11:03,665 --> 00:11:05,545
or you can be the drumming cat from Kiss.
298
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,385
It's amazing what you
can find on Pinterest.
299
00:11:07,505 --> 00:11:07,976
Oh!
300
00:11:11,074 --> 00:11:11,762
Frittata?
301
00:11:11,882 --> 00:11:13,040
Your favorite.
302
00:11:35,649 --> 00:11:36,716
(sighs)
303
00:11:36,715 --> 00:11:38,918
(indistinct chatter on TV)
304
00:11:40,094 --> 00:11:41,821
(sighs)
305
00:11:41,823 --> 00:11:44,724
MAN: I just don't know who
o be more disgusted with.
306
00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:47,193
(grunts)
307
00:11:48,428 --> 00:11:49,562
(whoops)
308
00:11:49,882 --> 00:11:51,030
When did you get a serve?
309
00:11:51,032 --> 00:11:52,765
You're the guy who calls
ennis "sportsball."
310
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,621
I haven't had this much
energy since that time
311
00:11:54,653 --> 00:11:56,843
I chugged a Pixy Stick that
urned out to be cocaine.
312
00:11:56,963 --> 00:11:57,961
It's incredible.
313
00:11:58,471 --> 00:11:59,968
So, are we gonna keep yapping here
314
00:11:59,991 --> 00:12:01,273
or are we gonna play some sportsball?
315
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:06,378
Hee!
316
00:12:07,959 --> 00:12:08,586
Yeah!
317
00:12:09,193 --> 00:12:10,297
Game, bitch!
318
00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:12,384
Where you going? No, no, no.
That's only the first game.
319
00:12:12,386 --> 00:12:13,538
That's just a taste, man.
320
00:12:13,556 --> 00:12:15,043
You can't handle a full meal of that.
321
00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:16,307
Come on, son.
322
00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:18,963
He snuck out of bed in
he middle of the night.
323
00:12:19,468 --> 00:12:20,418
I mean, I'm so cold.
324
00:12:20,430 --> 00:12:23,114
I never realized how
much heat he generates.
325
00:12:23,292 --> 00:12:24,863
I can't believe your relationship's
326
00:12:24,865 --> 00:12:26,736
gotten so stale already.
327
00:12:27,185 --> 00:12:27,978
- Mmm.
- Well, I don't,
328
00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:29,541
I don't know if I'd call it stale.
329
00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:30,402
You know what you need to do?
330
00:12:30,598 --> 00:12:31,670
You should try my grandma's
331
00:12:31,672 --> 00:12:32,638
rick to keep her bed warm.
332
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,540
You fill a sock with rice
333
00:12:35,115 --> 00:12:36,241
and you microwave it.
334
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:39,305
I don't think a sock full of rice
335
00:12:39,317 --> 00:12:40,650
is what I'm looking for in a husband.
336
00:12:41,081 --> 00:12:42,781
(microwave humming)
337
00:12:42,783 --> 00:12:43,882
(beeps)
338
00:12:43,884 --> 00:12:46,485
(indistinct chatter on TV)
339
00:12:58,164 --> 00:13:00,131
(screams)
340
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:02,901
(panting)
341
00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:05,337
(groans, spits)
342
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,063
What's, uh, what's going on?
343
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,080
My rice husband broke.
344
00:13:15,934 --> 00:13:16,548
What?
345
00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:18,750
(shushes) Just warm me.
346
00:13:23,921 --> 00:13:24,825
Hey, honey?
347
00:13:25,813 --> 00:13:29,446
Why don't you just go move
over to the other couch?
348
00:13:29,704 --> 00:13:30,768
Get some sleep on that, huh?
349
00:13:30,808 --> 00:13:32,216
That way we can both sleep?
350
00:13:34,395 --> 00:13:35,871
You don't want to sleep with me anymore?
351
00:13:36,538 --> 00:13:37,532
No, no, no...
352
00:13:37,561 --> 00:13:39,904
'Cause I, I miss sleeping with you.
353
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:41,773
And I feel like you don't miss me.
354
00:13:42,127 --> 00:13:43,007
I do, I miss you.
355
00:13:43,202 --> 00:13:44,409
- Really?
- Yeah.
356
00:13:44,529 --> 00:13:45,728
'Cause, like, this couch,
357
00:13:45,761 --> 00:13:47,507
I feel like, it's, like, your second wife.
358
00:13:47,849 --> 00:13:49,629
I mean, it's new and it's perfect
359
00:13:49,648 --> 00:13:50,516
and it gives you everything you need.
360
00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:51,179
But you know what?
361
00:13:51,202 --> 00:13:52,499
Let's see how firm it is
362
00:13:52,585 --> 00:13:53,851
- when it has a baby.
- Okay, honey,
363
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:56,178
I think you're just tired, okay?
364
00:13:56,432 --> 00:13:59,216
Why don't you just go back
o bed and go get some sleep?
365
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:00,632
So, what, we're just gonna,
366
00:14:00,650 --> 00:14:02,272
like, sleep in separate rooms now
367
00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:03,849
like my Hasidic grandparents?
368
00:14:04,424 --> 00:14:06,564
Well, they've been married for 86 years.
369
00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:08,699
And they've never seen
each other's nipples, Greg.
370
00:14:10,636 --> 00:14:11,936
Okay. Um...
371
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:15,024
Well, look, there's got
o be some solution here
372
00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,507
so we can both get what we need.
373
00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:19,877
(indistinct chatter on TV)
374
00:14:34,227 --> 00:14:36,032
Come here! (laughs)
375
00:14:36,059 --> 00:14:36,994
I got you! Say it!
376
00:14:37,446 --> 00:14:38,028
Come on, say it.
377
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,596
I gots a wagina.
378
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:41,933
- Yeah, you do!
- Ah...
379
00:14:43,322 --> 00:14:45,222
_
380
00:14:45,730 --> 00:14:47,450
Hey, babe, can you pass the lox?
381
00:14:47,751 --> 00:14:49,485
I'd love to pass the
lox, but Greg forgot it.
382
00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:51,496
Oh, but he brought the baby,
383
00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:53,556
and that's much more
important than the lox.
384
00:14:53,915 --> 00:14:55,424
We'll just bring in the muffins.
385
00:14:55,664 --> 00:14:57,526
- Matt, would you mind?
- Forgot the muffins.
386
00:14:57,776 --> 00:14:59,192
- Matt!
- Matt...
387
00:14:59,312 --> 00:15:00,090
You've got to do
388
00:15:00,131 --> 00:15:02,765
- your part, honey.
- (screaming)
389
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,166
- (screams)
- Hey, guys!
390
00:15:04,728 --> 00:15:05,868
JOAN: Cousin Mikey.
391
00:15:06,287 --> 00:15:08,203
I didn't know you were coming.
392
00:15:08,205 --> 00:15:10,339
- Is that for us?
- MIKEY: Oh, yeah!
393
00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:11,507
I got him on eBay!
394
00:15:11,762 --> 00:15:13,042
From an old petting zoo.
395
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,112
I was the only bidder.
396
00:15:14,672 --> 00:15:15,711
Unlock the front door.
397
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,202
Well, kids, this'll be fun!
398
00:15:19,323 --> 00:15:20,749
(darkly): Mikey's here.
399
00:15:20,751 --> 00:15:22,583
- Who's Mikey?
- Mikey's our cousin.
400
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:23,485
You need to get your purse.
401
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:24,919
- Let's go, come on.
- Go, go, go, go.
402
00:15:24,951 --> 00:15:25,721
Let's, uh, let's go.
403
00:15:25,723 --> 00:15:27,351
Should we ask why he brought a pig?
404
00:15:27,377 --> 00:15:30,229
No, no, no! No questions. Unless
you want a two-hour answer.
405
00:15:30,402 --> 00:15:32,038
TIM: Come on, out back, before Mikey starts
406
00:15:32,115 --> 00:15:33,631
elling stories about how in some states
407
00:15:33,650 --> 00:15:34,363
he could marry your mother.
408
00:15:34,365 --> 00:15:36,326
- Wait, what?
- Go! Move it!
409
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,300
MIKEY: Aunt Joan!
410
00:15:38,302 --> 00:15:40,567
Come here! It's Mike, come here!
411
00:15:41,142 --> 00:15:43,538
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
412
00:15:43,658 --> 00:15:45,307
(whoops) You're lighter than a pig.
413
00:15:45,309 --> 00:15:46,400
- Ready?
- Yeah.
414
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,276
- One, two, three.
- Go.
415
00:15:48,892 --> 00:15:49,910
Greggy!
416
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:51,695
Greggy... !
417
00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:52,781
Come here.
418
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,464
Mikey. Hey, listen, uh,
419
00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:56,133
just so you know, I have
his thing with my neck.
420
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,786
- Yeah?
- I'm not blaming you,
421
00:15:57,788 --> 00:15:59,414
but, you know, the doctor did say
422
00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:00,928
hat it was from previous roughhousing,
423
00:16:00,964 --> 00:16:01,957
- so...
- Come here, come on.
424
00:16:02,077 --> 00:16:02,674
Please.
425
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:04,526
Come here! (laughs)
426
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:05,760
I got you! Say it.
427
00:16:06,108 --> 00:16:06,795
Come on, say it.
428
00:16:08,044 --> 00:16:09,297
I gots a wagina.
429
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:11,166
- (cracking) Yeah, you do.
- Ah.
430
00:16:11,168 --> 00:16:12,958
(clears throat) That
never gets easier to watch.
431
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:14,867
I can't believe
432
00:16:14,885 --> 00:16:16,526
you're letting that idiot dig a hole
433
00:16:16,536 --> 00:16:18,504
in our backyard to roast a pig.
434
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,903
I know he's really annoying,
435
00:16:20,929 --> 00:16:23,231
but... but every family has a Mikey.
436
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:24,546
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
437
00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,147
Remember my Uncle Carl?
438
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:28,616
But this is a little different.
439
00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,485
Uncle Carl murdered three people.
440
00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:33,188
Yeah, but before that,
he was really annoying.
441
00:16:33,624 --> 00:16:35,345
JOAN: The last thing I promised my sister
442
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,753
was that I'd always be there for Mikey.
443
00:16:38,161 --> 00:16:39,994
I'm not gonna turn my back on him now.
444
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:41,396
(loud thunk) Oh!
445
00:16:41,516 --> 00:16:42,430
Oh, no.
446
00:16:42,608 --> 00:16:43,798
Think I hit a gas line!
447
00:16:44,030 --> 00:16:44,605
Oh...
448
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:47,565
She's dead now. She won't know.
449
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:48,770
No, we're good!
450
00:16:49,093 --> 00:16:49,937
It's just the sewer!
451
00:16:49,939 --> 00:16:50,938
(laughs)
452
00:16:51,758 --> 00:16:52,740
Yeah, that's poo.
453
00:16:53,102 --> 00:16:54,108
Ew.
454
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:55,958
(knocking at door)
455
00:16:56,935 --> 00:16:58,713
- Oh! Cousin Mikey!
- Hey, I've been knocking
456
00:16:58,715 --> 00:17:00,412
for, like, 20 minutes. I
didn't think anybody heard me.
457
00:17:01,586 --> 00:17:03,084
- How are you?
- I'm good.
458
00:17:03,086 --> 00:17:04,812
Do you remember when we were
kids, we used to play, uh,
459
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:05,820
Dancing Cheek to Cheek?
460
00:17:06,177 --> 00:17:07,188
Huh? Do you remember that?
461
00:17:07,190 --> 00:17:08,322
- I...
- Right? Come on let's get one
462
00:17:08,324 --> 00:17:09,490
for old times' sake.
463
00:17:09,492 --> 00:17:11,926
Ah! Cousin Mikey! First cousin Mikey!
464
00:17:11,928 --> 00:17:13,436
- Heather's first cousin!
- Hey.
465
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,321
- What brings you to our house, first cousin?
- Well, you know,
466
00:17:16,350 --> 00:17:17,525
I got Norm cooking over there
467
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:18,499
and he's not going to turn himself.
468
00:17:18,739 --> 00:17:20,353
- Norm?
- The pig. Our pig.
469
00:17:20,376 --> 00:17:21,640
And I've got shifts for everybody.
470
00:17:21,884 --> 00:17:24,438
5:00 to 6:00, 6:00 to 7:00, 7:00 to 8:00,
471
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,807
8:00 to 9:00, 9:00 to 10:00...
472
00:17:27,835 --> 00:17:29,555
Oh, unfortunately, we're
not going to able to make it
473
00:17:29,578 --> 00:17:31,543
- because we are leaving tonight.
- Yeah.
474
00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:33,060
- For...
- Cruise.
475
00:17:33,079 --> 00:17:33,948
- Uh, uh...
- No.
476
00:17:34,068 --> 00:17:35,983
- No, that family camping trip.
- Camp.
477
00:17:36,247 --> 00:17:38,413
- Oh.
- Okay, come on, kids, let's go!
478
00:17:38,422 --> 00:17:40,480
- Time to camp!
- But I don't have any shoes on.
479
00:17:40,507 --> 00:17:42,122
We're gonna make 'em out of
wigs and leaves. Let's go.
480
00:17:42,124 --> 00:17:43,457
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Yeah, out the door now.
481
00:17:43,459 --> 00:17:44,792
- Okay.
- We'll talk about it outside.
482
00:17:44,794 --> 00:17:46,460
- Let's go.
- HEATHER: We're so, so sorry!
483
00:17:46,462 --> 00:17:48,195
- Bye.
- TIM: Let's go, whoo! Beat the traffic!
484
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:50,931
(knocking at door)
485
00:17:51,850 --> 00:17:53,434
- Oh, hi.
- Hi. Can we hide out here?
486
00:17:53,436 --> 00:17:54,716
Yeah, we're trying to avoid Mikey.
487
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,937
And your house is really
hard to hitchhike to.
488
00:17:56,939 --> 00:17:57,971
Join the party.
489
00:17:58,402 --> 00:17:59,005
MATT: Where's Tyler?
490
00:18:01,476 --> 00:18:02,709
I was so baked.
491
00:18:02,711 --> 00:18:04,291
No chance my guys were swimming.
492
00:18:04,820 --> 00:18:06,880
You tell me: I mean, should I
submit to the paternity test?
493
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,049
I don't know, Mikey, I'm 17.
494
00:18:09,473 --> 00:18:10,822
- Mom?
- She went camping.
495
00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:11,285
Oh.
496
00:18:11,631 --> 00:18:13,107
By the way, saw a picture
497
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,586
of your girlfriend on Instagram.
498
00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:16,957
Dude. Come on!
499
00:18:17,239 --> 00:18:18,458
You didn't tell me you were dating twins.
500
00:18:18,719 --> 00:18:20,660
Get it up there. (laughs)
501
00:18:20,662 --> 00:18:23,396
(loud knocking at door)
502
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:26,933
It's Dad.
503
00:18:27,911 --> 00:18:28,803
Dad, get in here.
504
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,092
Were you followed? Did anyone see you?
505
00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:32,486
What are you kids doing over here?
506
00:18:32,509 --> 00:18:35,199
Your mother's all alone
over there babysitting Mikey.
507
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,976
Tell her to come hide
out with us over here.
508
00:18:37,036 --> 00:18:38,678
Your mother would never hide from family.
509
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,732
And you all should be ashamed of yourself.
510
00:18:40,774 --> 00:18:42,215
She needs you right now.
511
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:43,783
Huh?
512
00:18:43,785 --> 00:18:45,018
(groans)
513
00:18:45,337 --> 00:18:46,596
Sorry, sorry.
514
00:18:48,183 --> 00:18:49,109
I'll drive you.
515
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,255
Hey, wait a minute. Dad?
516
00:18:52,325 --> 00:18:53,026
You coming?
517
00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:54,753
He's not my blood.
518
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:57,055
Well, in that case...
519
00:18:58,420 --> 00:18:59,432
Ah, here you go.
520
00:19:02,321 --> 00:19:04,328
- Hey, uh, Mikey...
- Yeah?
521
00:19:04,448 --> 00:19:06,668
his isa little, um, tough on my back.
522
00:19:06,694 --> 00:19:08,683
What... Oh, oh, okay. (chuckles)
523
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:09,804
- (groans)
- Sorry.
524
00:19:09,861 --> 00:19:11,285
- Thank you.
- Here.
525
00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:12,577
Why am I wearing this thing?
526
00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:15,056
- Oh.
- I don't know what happened. I texted
527
00:19:15,058 --> 00:19:17,959
each one of them, gave
hem their pig times.
528
00:19:17,961 --> 00:19:19,919
- No one responded.
- Oh... Whoa!
529
00:19:20,039 --> 00:19:22,771
The cell service here
can be a little spotty.
530
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:25,166
Might be this phone I stole in Mexico.
531
00:19:27,236 --> 00:19:29,237
JOAN: I'm disappointed
hey're not here, too.
532
00:19:30,594 --> 00:19:31,362
I'm not gonna lie,
533
00:19:32,153 --> 00:19:33,108
it's been really tough,
534
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:34,467
you know, with my mom gone.
535
00:19:36,964 --> 00:19:39,269
And I just want to say that... (sniffles)
536
00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:41,541
it's really nice to be with you.
537
00:19:44,961 --> 00:19:47,483
(laughs) (sighs loudly)
538
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:49,820
Does Heather ask about me?
539
00:19:50,951 --> 00:19:52,514
Uh, she's married, dear.
540
00:19:52,541 --> 00:19:54,045
And she's your first cousin.
541
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:57,188
I know. I just have a screen saver of
he two of us in a bathtub, and it...
542
00:19:57,223 --> 00:19:58,915
JOAN: Oh, my kids!
543
00:19:59,035 --> 00:20:00,523
You came back!
544
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:01,915
You came back!
545
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,972
Ha-ha! Mwah!
546
00:20:04,974 --> 00:20:09,276
(indistinct chatter)
547
00:20:11,936 --> 00:20:13,471
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
548
00:20:14,037 --> 00:20:14,962
Thank you.
549
00:20:16,785 --> 00:20:18,352
Mm-hmm. (chuckles)
550
00:20:18,354 --> 00:20:19,112
Ah!
551
00:20:19,148 --> 00:20:20,788
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, eat it, eat it.
552
00:20:21,061 --> 00:20:21,689
Oh.
553
00:20:21,691 --> 00:20:22,255
Oh!
554
00:20:22,273 --> 00:20:23,504
Those are testicles. That's an honor.
555
00:20:23,737 --> 00:20:25,450
- Okay, whoa.
- Oh!
556
00:20:25,728 --> 00:20:26,375
Ooh.
557
00:20:27,273 --> 00:20:28,575
Oh, it's so warm!
558
00:20:28,809 --> 00:20:30,811
- (phone ringing)
- (groans)
559
00:20:33,139 --> 00:20:35,202
- It is for you.
- Thanks.
560
00:20:35,536 --> 00:20:36,084
Bueno.
561
00:20:36,906 --> 00:20:37,817
(chuckles): Ah.
562
00:20:38,482 --> 00:20:40,718
(speaking Spanish)
563
00:20:41,221 --> 00:20:41,567
Sí.