1
00:00:08,919 --> 00:00:10,453
I can't believe we finally went out.

2
00:00:10,713 --> 00:00:12,980
I mean, work is gonna be so weird now.

3
00:00:12,982 --> 00:00:14,715
Yeah. I don't care.

4
00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:19,219
You want to come up?

5
00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:20,688
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

6
00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:22,156
- Yeah, I do.
- Let's go.

7
00:00:22,158 --> 00:00:23,724
- Yes.
- Right this way.

8
00:00:23,726 --> 00:00:25,225
- Thank you.
- Yes.

9
00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,160
Come on in.

10
00:00:26,254 --> 00:00:27,287
Okay.

11
00:00:27,289 --> 00:00:29,289
Who's he?

12
00:00:29,291 --> 00:00:31,524
Oh. Chad.

13
00:00:31,526 --> 00:00:33,159
This is Matt.

14
00:00:33,161 --> 00:00:35,962
Matt, this is my ex-fiancé Chad.

15
00:00:35,964 --> 00:00:38,765
Oh. Hey.

16
00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:41,034
- Cool.
- Yeah, cool.

17
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:43,169
All right, well.

18
00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:45,138
Yeah, so... Um, I can leave? I can...

19
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:47,040
- Oh, no. No, no, don't worry.
- No?

20
00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,175
Don't. No, no. I, um... I
told him this was happening.

21
00:00:49,177 --> 00:00:50,778
- Okay.
- Just, I should have told you, too,

22
00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:51,776
but then you wouldn't have come up,

23
00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:54,080
and I really wanted you to.

24
00:00:54,082 --> 00:00:56,650
- I'm gonna get us some drinks, okay?
- Yeah.

25
00:00:56,981 --> 00:01:00,053
Would you mind giving us
some privacy, please, Chad?

26
00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:07,394
Okay, looks like I've got wine or wine.

27
00:01:07,396 --> 00:01:08,695
- And I also have wine.
- Yeah.

28
00:01:08,697 --> 00:01:10,296
- Beer sounds good.
- Wine it is.

29
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:13,733
Wow! You guys already got a banter.

30
00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:16,436
I like that. It's real cute.
You guys clearly get each other.

31
00:01:16,438 --> 00:01:18,805
I'm sorry, man. I didn't know
that you were gonna be here.

32
00:01:18,807 --> 00:01:20,673
Um, what are you doing here?

33
00:01:20,675 --> 00:01:22,575
What am I doing here? I live here.

34
00:01:22,577 --> 00:01:25,045
This is my place, brah.
What are you doing here?

35
00:01:25,047 --> 00:01:27,013
Well, you know, Colleen invited me.

36
00:01:27,015 --> 00:01:29,816
You know that's my fiancée, right?

37
00:01:29,818 --> 00:01:31,317
Think the wedding is off.

38
00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,286
Mm... not to us, it's not.

39
00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:34,721
Not to Princess and I.

40
00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:38,425
Maybe to her. Not to us,
okay? So it's half on.

41
00:01:38,427 --> 00:01:40,527
- Hi. Found a beer.
- Oh.

42
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:42,062
Is that my beer?

43
00:01:42,064 --> 00:01:44,064
What are you still doing
here, Chad? Get in your room.

44
00:01:44,066 --> 00:01:45,257
- Get in your room.
- That's my beer, though.

45
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,030
Yeah, just go take
Princess for a walk, please.

46
00:01:47,031 --> 00:01:47,651
Yeah, she's not in the mood.

47
00:01:47,652 --> 00:01:49,769
- She's too upset by the situation.
- Oh, my God.

48
00:01:49,771 --> 00:01:52,172
You drink that, I'm gonna kill you!

49
00:01:52,174 --> 00:01:53,807
What are you doing? Why
are you talking like that?

50
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,208
That's how I talk now.

51
00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,609
I'm sorry. He's harmless really.

52
00:01:56,611 --> 00:01:58,144
He went to Vassar.

53
00:01:58,146 --> 00:02:02,449
Oh. So, um, why is he still here?

54
00:02:02,451 --> 00:02:05,819
- Um... we bought this place together.
- Right.

55
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:08,054
And because of his IRS troubles,
he can't afford to leave.

56
00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:10,090
And I can't afford to buy him out, so...

57
00:02:10,092 --> 00:02:12,492
You know, just a few
kinks we're working out.

58
00:02:12,494 --> 00:02:13,860
Yeah.

59
00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:15,361
Weren't we doing something sexy?

60
00:02:15,363 --> 00:02:17,697
- Yeah.
- Mmm.

61
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:22,802
- Are you sure that it's okay to be doing this here?
- You mean Chad?

62
00:02:22,804 --> 00:02:24,737
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he can't hear anything in here.

63
00:02:24,739 --> 00:02:26,606
Okay, but, you know, he's looking at us,

64
00:02:26,608 --> 00:02:27,941
and... and he's crying.

65
00:02:30,378 --> 00:02:31,878
- Want to go to your place?
- I'll drive.

66
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,179
Okay.

67
00:02:33,181 --> 00:02:34,514
This is, like, so fancy.

68
00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:37,317
You really buried the lead on this one.

69
00:02:37,319 --> 00:02:38,751
Are you, like, a trust fund baby?

70
00:02:38,753 --> 00:02:40,153
Ah, no, it's not like that.

71
00:02:40,155 --> 00:02:41,521
Hey, can I get you something to drink?

72
00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,656
I think we have wine and wine.

73
00:02:43,658 --> 00:02:45,258
- We're in here, Matt.
- Hey, Matt, come here.

74
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,693
You got to see this.

75
00:02:46,695 --> 00:02:48,728
It's that Steven Seagal movie I love.

76
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:51,331
Not the one where he kills
everybody to save the trees,

77
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,700
but the one where he
dislocates all their shoulders.

78
00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:55,535
Ooh!

79
00:02:55,537 --> 00:02:56,936
Hello. Hi.

80
00:02:56,938 --> 00:02:58,271
Honey, Matt has a friend here.

81
00:02:58,273 --> 00:02:59,706
Pause the TV.

82
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,341
Okay.

83
00:03:01,343 --> 00:03:02,675
Honey, just pause it.

84
00:03:02,677 --> 00:03:05,712
- I'm trying.
- Yeah, just pause it, sweetheart.

85
00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:07,847
- How many remotes do we need?
- Can you just pause it?

86
00:03:07,849 --> 00:03:09,649
Whatever happened to knobs?

87
00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:11,284
- Yeah, pause it.
- I can't find the...

88
00:03:11,286 --> 00:03:13,186
Oh, pause it!

89
00:03:15,524 --> 00:03:17,524
Oh.

90
00:03:17,526 --> 00:03:20,860
Thought you guys were gonna
be at the Kaufmann bar mitzvah.

91
00:03:20,862 --> 00:03:23,062
Oh, they had to shut the party down early

92
00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:26,099
because little Joshy got
overwhelmed by the hypnotist

93
00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:28,668
and spent the whole time
in the corner crying.

94
00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,270
- Oh, no.
- Oh.

95
00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:31,571
You're adorable.

96
00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:33,273
- Oh.
- Would you like a scoop

97
00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:34,674
of vanilla ice cream?

98
00:03:34,676 --> 00:03:36,576
I have a scoop every night.

99
00:03:43,018 --> 00:03:45,585
Drive you home?

100
00:03:50,225 --> 00:03:54,594
Oh, this is so hot. All we
needed was our own space.

101
00:03:56,131 --> 00:03:58,431
Hmm? You hookers never learn.

102
00:03:58,433 --> 00:03:59,933
Get out the car.

103
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:05,409
Remember to breathe, Jen.

104
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,911
You can do this. Bear down now.

105
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,279
There you go.

106
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,914
There you go. Good job. Good job.

107
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,549
- And now give me a really good push.
-  I can't!

108
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,150
- A really good push.
- You can. You can do it.

109
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,652
- You can do it, sweetie.You can.
- Okay.

110
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:15,486
You got it. You can do it.

111
00:04:17,712 --> 00:04:19,145
There you go. Oh.

112
00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,513
Oh, I see the baby's head.

113
00:04:20,515 --> 00:04:22,248
- You can see it?
- Oh, no.

114
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,984
Ah. Did I poop on the table?

115
00:04:24,986 --> 00:04:26,719
Um... Oh, my God,

116
00:04:26,721 --> 00:04:28,121
- I did, didn't I?
- Ah...

117
00:04:28,123 --> 00:04:29,389
Was it a lot?

118
00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:31,324
- Uh, well, uh... Um...
- Say something!

119
00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,626
Don't worry, hon. I seen a
whole lot worse than that.

120
00:04:33,628 --> 00:04:35,128
It gets worse than that?

121
00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:35,962
Mm-hmm.

122
00:04:37,265 --> 00:04:38,631
Hello.

123
00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:41,234
All right, Daddy crushed this swaddle.

124
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,703
She's not getting out of
this thing till high school.

125
00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:45,605
Oh. Hello.

126
00:04:45,607 --> 00:04:49,809
Oh, our little baby burrito.

127
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,279
Knock, knock. How are
you feeling this morning?

128
00:04:53,281 --> 00:04:55,982
Ah... Ah, that couch
did a number on my neck.

129
00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:57,617
Ah, well, I've written

130
00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,552
a prescription for the pain, and I'm gonna

131
00:04:59,554 --> 00:05:01,721
give you a bunch of these latex gloves.

132
00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,022
Your job is to fill them with water

133
00:05:03,024 --> 00:05:04,290
and keep them in the freezer.

134
00:05:04,292 --> 00:05:06,192
Take a frozen glove and

135
00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:07,460
insert a finger for relief.

136
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,861
Oh.

137
00:05:08,863 --> 00:05:10,997
- Let the fun begin.
- I'll see you guys

138
00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:13,499
in six weeks, and of
course, no sex until then.

139
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,635
I'm sorry. Did we know that?

140
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:17,070
Oh, slow down.

141
00:05:17,072 --> 00:05:19,739
That tunnel is under construction.

142
00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:21,341
Which reminds me...

143
00:05:21,343 --> 00:05:23,643
until I see you, do not,

144
00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:26,245
no matter what, under any circumstances,

145
00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:28,748
for any reason ever

146
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,683
look down there.

147
00:05:30,685 --> 00:05:32,618
- Okay.
- You're gonna want to.

148
00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,520
- No, I'm not. Not anymore.
- Promise me?

149
00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:35,855
Okay, I promise. I swear to God.

150
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,323
This is supposed to be a happy time.

151
00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:41,260
It is. Oh! Congratulations!

152
00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:46,366
I'm so happy.

153
00:05:46,368 --> 00:05:48,234
It's incredible.

154
00:05:48,236 --> 00:05:50,937
How is the hospital letting us leave?

155
00:05:50,939 --> 00:05:52,472
I don't know.

156
00:05:52,474 --> 00:05:54,607
I mean, they should lose their license.

157
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:58,277
Like, I never even held
a baby until yesterday.

158
00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,979
Slow down!

159
00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:04,117
Slower!

160
00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:08,588
Piece 36.

161
00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:11,791
Where the hell is piece 36?

162
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:14,761
Why is there a piece 36?

163
00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:15,995
What?!

164
00:06:15,997 --> 00:06:19,732
Ow! What is it? What?

165
00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:22,402
She's fine. She's totally fine.

166
00:06:22,404 --> 00:06:26,806
What's the problem? I don't...

167
00:06:26,808 --> 00:06:28,641
Oh, God.

168
00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:30,810
No. No, you looked.

169
00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:33,946
Yeah, I looked. I looked down there.

170
00:06:33,948 --> 00:06:36,282
Why would you do that? Why
didn't you wait the six weeks?

171
00:06:36,284 --> 00:06:37,650
I couldn't do it.

172
00:06:37,652 --> 00:06:39,285
I mean, if someone hands you a box

173
00:06:39,287 --> 00:06:40,820
and says there's something
super crazy inside,

174
00:06:40,822 --> 00:06:42,255
but you're not allowed to look in it,

175
00:06:42,257 --> 00:06:44,223
of course you're going to look in it!

176
00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:46,059
I looked in my box.

177
00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:47,460
Oh, sweetie, come here.

178
00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,195
Come here, come here. It's okay.

179
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,530
Oh, God.

180
00:06:50,532 --> 00:06:52,331
Was that bad, huh?

181
00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,333
Oh. Do you remember, uh,

182
00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:58,037
when the Predator took off his mask?

183
00:06:58,039 --> 00:07:01,240
I mean, I don't know if
we can ever have sex again.

184
00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:04,043
Like... ever!

185
00:07:04,045 --> 00:07:06,012
Okay.

186
00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:07,780
It's okay. So, uh... so we won't.

187
00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:09,182
Okay.

188
00:07:09,184 --> 00:07:11,551
She's worth it, right? I mean, look at her.

189
00:07:13,154 --> 00:07:14,654
Ever?

190
00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:16,622
Oh, God, I'm in so much pain.

191
00:07:16,624 --> 00:07:18,691
You know what? Hey,
let's get the glove. What?

192
00:07:18,693 --> 00:07:20,026
- The glove. The glove.
- Go get the glove.

193
00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,260
Yes, yes. Go get the glove.

194
00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:22,628
We can do this!

195
00:07:22,630 --> 00:07:24,163
We can save your vagina!

196
00:07:24,165 --> 00:07:25,731
Hurry before it's too late!

197
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:27,500
Okay!

198
00:07:27,502 --> 00:07:30,536
It's taken me a little
longer than I anticipated.

199
00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:35,942
- Here you go, sweetie.
- What?! Don't give it to me.

200
00:07:35,944 --> 00:07:37,977
I can't go back down there. You do it.

201
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,879
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

202
00:07:39,881 --> 00:07:42,215
Honey, please. I feel like
I've done a lot for us recently.

203
00:07:42,217 --> 00:07:43,716
I need you to do this for me.

204
00:07:43,718 --> 00:07:47,220
Okay, fine. For you.

205
00:07:47,222 --> 00:07:48,988
Oh, God.

206
00:07:51,059 --> 00:07:52,725
This is really weird. Oh!

207
00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:54,160
Fine. Just cut me off at the waist

208
00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:55,795
and put me on one of those skateboards.

209
00:07:55,797 --> 00:07:56,863
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

210
00:07:56,865 --> 00:07:58,131
- I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Okay.

211
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:00,666
Whoa. Where are you going with that thing?!

212
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:03,202
Well, I don't know! I can't see
where I'm going! You're not looking?!

213
00:08:03,204 --> 00:08:04,704
No, I'm not looking! I don't want to look

214
00:08:04,706 --> 00:08:06,005
if the Predator's down there.

215
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:09,408
- Oh! Okay, north!
- Okay, okay. Yeah?

216
00:08:10,411 --> 00:08:12,245
Uh.

217
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,680
Yeah.

218
00:08:14,682 --> 00:08:17,950
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

219
00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,886
Mommy likes that.

220
00:08:19,888 --> 00:08:22,922
Ahoy, captain.

221
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,724
Mmm.

222
00:08:24,726 --> 00:08:26,759
What has happened to our relationship?

223
00:08:29,872 --> 00:08:31,872
♪ Called a police and a fireman ♪

224
00:08:31,897 --> 00:08:33,064
- ♪ I'm too hot ♪
- ♪ Hot damn... ♪

225
00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:35,957
♪ Make a dragon wanna retire, man ♪

226
00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:37,959
- ♪ I'm too hot ♪
- ♪ Hot damn... ♪

227
00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:40,537
♪ Say my name, you know who I am ♪

228
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:42,707
- ♪ I'm too hot ♪
- ♪ Hot damn... ♪

229
00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:46,109
Your first college visit!
Isn't this exciting?

230
00:08:46,111 --> 00:08:47,611
Uh-huh.

231
00:08:47,613 --> 00:08:50,047
Yeah.

232
00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:51,448
- College, buddy.
- Where you going?!

233
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:52,816
This is where it all happens.

234
00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:54,952
Anything you want to ask me?

235
00:08:54,954 --> 00:08:58,188
No. I think I'm good, Dad.

236
00:08:58,190 --> 00:09:00,891
You sure? 'Cause your sister
tells me you're a virgin.

237
00:09:00,893 --> 00:09:02,292
What? She doesn't know.

238
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:03,760
It's okay.

239
00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:05,929
I didn't lose my virginity until college.

240
00:09:05,931 --> 00:09:07,998
I thought I lost it in high school,

241
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,300
but that was disqualified.

242
00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:12,836
How does it get disqualified?

243
00:09:12,838 --> 00:09:15,105
We were on this couch at
Uncle Dave's beach house...

244
00:09:15,107 --> 00:09:17,207
Oh, I don't think I want
to hear this story. No.

245
00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:19,409
It's time I told someone, and
I want that someone to be you.

246
00:09:19,411 --> 00:09:21,144
- So...
- No, it doesn't have to be me.

247
00:09:21,146 --> 00:09:23,280
We're on this couch, right, and it starts,

248
00:09:23,282 --> 00:09:25,816
and it is amazing.

249
00:09:25,818 --> 00:09:27,985
I mean, we were both really into it, right?

250
00:09:27,987 --> 00:09:30,287
And she looks me right in
the eye, and you know what

251
00:09:30,289 --> 00:09:32,589
she says to me?
- "Never tell this to your son"?

252
00:09:32,591 --> 00:09:34,524
What? No. She says...

253
00:09:34,526 --> 00:09:36,426
"Okay, let's do it."

254
00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:38,795
And I'm, like, "What?
What are you talking about?

255
00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:40,397
We just did it"

256
00:09:40,399 --> 00:09:42,499
And then I realized...

257
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,501
I was never with her.

258
00:09:44,503 --> 00:09:48,272
I was... with the...

259
00:09:48,274 --> 00:09:50,173
You were with the what?

260
00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:54,745
You know that space between
the two cushions of a couch?

261
00:09:56,715 --> 00:09:59,750
You lost your virginity to a couch?

262
00:09:59,752 --> 00:10:01,985
It only occurred to me when I
looked down and saw a lint ball

263
00:10:01,987 --> 00:10:04,421
and a nickel stuck to the end of my penis.

264
00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:08,025
I can't believe you're a doctor.

265
00:10:08,027 --> 00:10:09,960
Yes, well, speaking of which,

266
00:10:09,962 --> 00:10:11,895
you make sure you wrap that rascal.

267
00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:15,299
The clap is back.

268
00:10:15,301 --> 00:10:16,700
Don't worry.

269
00:10:16,702 --> 00:10:18,402
I'll take good care of Tyler.

270
00:10:18,404 --> 00:10:20,070
We're gonna spend some time in the library,

271
00:10:20,072 --> 00:10:21,505
grab a healthy meal
followed by a prayer meeting.

272
00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,973
Then straight to sleepsville.

273
00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,242
All right, honey, just promise me

274
00:10:25,244 --> 00:10:26,877
you're gonna make good choices.

275
00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:29,446
- I will. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh, you know what, you have a little...

276
00:10:29,448 --> 00:10:30,871
- Mom. Mom.
- Right here. It's okay. I got it.

277
00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:31,772
It's gone now. Gone.

278
00:10:31,817 --> 00:10:34,685
- Okay. Made you a sandwich, so you have...
- Mom,

279
00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:37,254
are you kidding?
- No, it's for you. Just stick it in your pocket

280
00:10:37,256 --> 00:10:39,022
- so you have it for later. I don't care if you eat it.
- I don't want it.

281
00:10:39,024 --> 00:10:40,490
- I just want you to take it with you.
- I'm not going to.

282
00:10:40,492 --> 00:10:41,825
- Because...
- Just take the sandwich so we can

283
00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:43,694
- all get on with our lives.
- Mom...

284
00:10:43,696 --> 00:10:45,429
There are cranberries in
it, and I want you to have it

285
00:10:45,431 --> 00:10:47,030
in case you need a snack.

286
00:10:47,032 --> 00:10:49,099
Okay.

287
00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:52,502
I love you!

288
00:10:52,504 --> 00:10:55,539
I wish your mom would shove
her sandwich in my pants.

289
00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:57,908
Let's talk party options for the night.

290
00:10:58,811 --> 00:11:01,411
So he didn't want the sandwich.

291
00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:04,147
- I would've eaten it.
- No, it's not the sandwich.

292
00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:07,017
It's just... Tyler is applying to colleges.

293
00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:09,986
I feel like it was just
yesterday he was in diapers.

294
00:11:09,988 --> 00:11:12,756
God, he was so cute. Do you...

295
00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:15,659
You remember how he used
to call berries "babies"?

296
00:11:15,661 --> 00:11:18,562
Like, "straw-babies" and "rasp-babies"

297
00:11:18,564 --> 00:11:19,700
And "black-babies".

298
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,201
- Screaming for 'em at the restaurant.
- Oh, my God.

299
00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:24,801
"Eat black-babies! Eat
black-babies! Eat black.."

300
00:11:24,803 --> 00:11:29,005
Oh. Made that trip to Jamaica
one for the record books.

301
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:36,046
I can't believe you would
tell her he isn't real.

302
00:11:36,048 --> 00:11:39,616
- She did it on purpose.
- You asked. What am I supposed to do, lie?

303
00:11:39,618 --> 00:11:42,052
Yes! Billions of people
lie about it every year!

304
00:11:42,054 --> 00:11:43,887
Well, you told me never to lie.

305
00:11:43,889 --> 00:11:46,990
- Go to your room.
- I don't have a room. We're in a hotel.

306
00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:48,425
Go to the bathroom.

307
00:11:48,427 --> 00:11:50,861
But I don't... have to go.

308
00:11:50,863 --> 00:11:52,863
Go into the bathroom now.

309
00:11:52,865 --> 00:11:55,065
Are you kidding me?

310
00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:04,941
So, it's this giant conspiracy
that everyone is in on but me?

311
00:12:04,943 --> 00:12:07,444
The fact that you know
the word "conspiracy"

312
00:12:07,446 --> 00:12:09,880
makes me think maybe you
were ready for the truth.

313
00:12:09,882 --> 00:12:14,284
What else has this entire
family been lying about?

314
00:12:14,286 --> 00:12:16,920
- Like, is the Easter B...
- Made-up.

315
00:12:16,922 --> 00:12:18,522
- What about the Too...
- Made-up.

316
00:12:18,524 --> 00:12:20,824
All made-up. Everything.

317
00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:23,660
Even God?

318
00:12:23,662 --> 00:12:26,363
That's real.

319
00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:29,866
Up is down and down is up for me right now.

320
00:12:29,868 --> 00:12:31,802
I need some time alone.

321
00:12:31,804 --> 00:12:34,104
Okay. I... I think the
closet is still available.

322
00:12:34,106 --> 00:12:36,072
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

323
00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:39,943
And you have some serious
trust to rebuild here.

324
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:42,579
How could she be so smart and
not have figured it out yet?

325
00:12:42,581 --> 00:12:46,049
Because, Tim, she is a
sweet, innocent child.

326
00:12:46,051 --> 00:12:48,652
Or she was. Our last baby.

327
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,487
I mean, first Tyler and now this.

328
00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:52,756
I just don't know how much more I can take.

329
00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:57,427
Mom, I think I got my period.

330
00:12:57,429 --> 00:12:59,062
Oh, my God.

331
00:12:59,064 --> 00:13:01,998
Congratulations.

332
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,900
What do you mean you don't know
how to get ice? You just push

333
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:05,936
the giant button that
says "Ice" and the ice...

334
00:13:05,938 --> 00:13:07,904
Whoa. What are you... Mmm.

335
00:13:07,906 --> 00:13:11,174
Oh. I want to have another baby.

336
00:13:11,176 --> 00:13:13,410
- What, here?
- Hurry up. Let's do it now

337
00:13:13,412 --> 00:13:15,123
before the kids wake up and
then they wonder where we are.

338
00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:16,270
I don't know if we should
be having another kid

339
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,949
if we're hiding from
the ones we already have.

340
00:13:18,951 --> 00:13:20,116
No, our fourth one will be different.

341
00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:21,384
This'll be our special baby.

342
00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:24,321
We will finally get everything right.

343
00:13:24,323 --> 00:13:27,257
Mmm. Oh, God, you're making a
lot of sense right now. Yeah.

344
00:13:27,259 --> 00:13:29,626
You know what, what are the odds
we mess up four in a row, right?

345
00:13:29,628 --> 00:13:32,095
- Right?
- Let's do this. It can still work, right?

346
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:37,968
I tell you I want to have a baby with you,

347
00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:40,203
and then you call me old.

348
00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:41,571
No, that was a practical question.

349
00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:43,907
I would never call you old. I'm old.

350
00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:46,843
We're the same age. You have to know

351
00:13:46,845 --> 00:13:49,713
how I'm going to react if you
say something like that to me.

352
00:13:49,715 --> 00:13:52,148
No, you see, that's just it. I don't
know. Because I don't know what I'm saying.

353
00:13:52,150 --> 00:13:54,618
Nine times out of ten, I
don't think. I just speak.

354
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,353
So when I ask can it still work,

355
00:13:56,355 --> 00:13:58,822
I just want to know if we're
playing with live bullets.

356
00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:01,057
Well, you're the bullet, so you tell me.

357
00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,193
- Oh, my bullets are live.
- Yeah?

358
00:14:03,195 --> 00:14:07,831
Yeah. I just want to
know if the target is...

359
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:09,566
fresh.

360
00:14:09,568 --> 00:14:13,470
So right there, were you...
thinking or just speaking again?

361
00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:17,440
I thought I was thinking
but, turns out, I just spoke.

362
00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:18,542
Yeah.

363
00:14:18,544 --> 00:14:19,876
- Come on.
- No.

364
00:14:19,878 --> 00:14:21,778
I think I'm good. I'm... I'm...

365
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:24,114
Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

366
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,516
Heather.

367
00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:28,285
Do you still want the ice?

368
00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:30,053
Geez.

369
00:14:32,658 --> 00:14:35,292
Rise and shine, High School.

370
00:14:35,294 --> 00:14:38,228
Your parental units are here.

371
00:14:40,999 --> 00:14:45,669
♪ Karma, karma, karma,
karma, karma chameleon ♪

372
00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:47,571
So, how was it?

373
00:14:47,573 --> 00:14:49,472
♪ You come and go ♪

374
00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:55,111
♪ If your colors were like my dream ♪

375
00:14:55,113 --> 00:14:59,049
You ate your sandwich.

376
00:14:59,051 --> 00:15:00,517
That's classic.

377
00:15:06,503 --> 00:15:07,768
Kids,

378
00:15:07,770 --> 00:15:10,271
I just want you to know

379
00:15:10,273 --> 00:15:12,006
that it's okay that you're not crying.

380
00:15:12,008 --> 00:15:15,810
'Cause we each grieve
over your father's... death

381
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:17,879
in different ways.

382
00:15:17,881 --> 00:15:20,114
Yeah. Putting on quite a show, huh, Mom?

383
00:15:20,116 --> 00:15:21,582
Yeah, how are we supposed to act?

384
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,484
I've never been to one of these before.

385
00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:24,652
It's gonna be okay.

386
00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:26,654
That's how you act.

387
00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:30,925
Thank you, sweetie. Your
father would be proud of you.

388
00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,960
Oh, here he is now.

389
00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:36,831
- Are we supposed to clap?
- Hello

390
00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:39,367
and thank you all for coming to my funeral.

391
00:15:39,369 --> 00:15:40,535
Is this a cool

392
00:15:40,537 --> 00:15:43,104
70th birthday party or what?

393
00:15:43,106 --> 00:15:45,139
I actually thought of it

394
00:15:45,141 --> 00:15:48,042
after going to my dear
friend Chuck's funeral,

395
00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:50,745
and I thought, "Wouldn't he be tickled

396
00:15:50,747 --> 00:15:55,349
to hear everybody's kind
words". So I said to Joanie,

397
00:15:55,351 --> 00:15:57,552
"I don't want to miss
that. Let's just do this

398
00:15:57,554 --> 00:16:00,254
while I'm still here to
enjoy it." And, besides,

399
00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:04,625
this is a... a terrific opportunity
to bring my busy family together

400
00:16:04,627 --> 00:16:06,060
with everyone's lives

401
00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:07,562
moving so fast.

402
00:16:07,564 --> 00:16:09,630
My grandson, Tyler,

403
00:16:09,632 --> 00:16:11,432
he's applying for college.

404
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:14,835
His sister, Samantha, she
just had her first period.

405
00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:16,237
And my son, Greg,

406
00:16:16,239 --> 00:16:19,006
had our fourth grandchild

407
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:22,343
with, uh... his wife.

408
00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:24,212
- Your dad just forgot my name again.
- No, he didn't.

409
00:16:24,214 --> 00:16:26,547
His... wonderful wife.

410
00:16:26,549 --> 00:16:29,584
It's cool. I've only been a part
of this family for five years.

411
00:16:29,586 --> 00:16:30,518
There she is.

412
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,487
- Hey.
- So, enough of my yakking.

413
00:16:33,489 --> 00:16:36,457
Let's get on with the
eulogies, huh? Cheers.

414
00:16:38,027 --> 00:16:40,428
"Pour away the ocean
and sweep up the woods,

415
00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:41,662
For nothing now

416
00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:43,464
can ever come

417
00:16:43,466 --> 00:16:45,132
to any good."

418
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,535
Thank you.

419
00:16:47,537 --> 00:16:50,304
Honey, did you write that?

420
00:16:50,306 --> 00:16:52,440
That should be published.

421
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:54,377
Thanks, Mom.

422
00:16:54,379 --> 00:16:56,012
Stole that from Four
Weddings and a Funeral.

423
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,714
Who stole it from W. H. Auden.

424
00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,484
So technically I didn't
steal it. I just performed it.

425
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,620
Okay, Dad, um, I love you,

426
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,455
and, um, yeah, I... I miss you.

427
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,057
Stop talking to me.

428
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,825
But I'm not talking to you.

429
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,460
I'm... I'm talking to you

430
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,529
like you were in heaven.
You stop talking to me.

431
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,797
Well, whatever you're doing,

432
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,465
it's... it's not good.

433
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,167
It takes everybody out of this.

434
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,202
You don't think that you sitting there

435
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,372
is taking people out of this?

436
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,574
- May I continue?
- Well, it depends

437
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:26,910
on what you're gonna
say. I mean, obviously,

438
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,778
- you didn't come here very prepared.
- Okay. Okay.

439
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:31,181
Great.

440
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:33,984
Next!

441
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,820
♪ And it seems to me ♪

442
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:38,455
♪ You lived your life ♪

443
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,857
♪ Like a candle in the wind ♪

444
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:44,094
♪ Never knowing who to cling to ♪

445
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,596
♪ When the rain set in ♪

446
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,098
♪ And I would have liked ♪

447
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,566
♪ To have known you ♪

448
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,568
- ♪ But I was just a kid ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

449
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,771
♪ Your candle burned out ♪

450
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:57,140
♪ Long before ♪

451
00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:01,578
♪ Your legend ever did. ♪

452
00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:07,206
What can I say about this man

453
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:11,944
that I have cherished for 49 years?

454
00:18:11,946 --> 00:18:14,247
I just love him.

455
00:18:14,249 --> 00:18:17,350
I'm sorry.

456
00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:19,100
Easy on the waterworks, Joanie.

457
00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,101
- They get it, honey.
-  No.

458
00:18:20,154 --> 00:18:24,257
This is real, you son of a bitch.

459
00:18:24,259 --> 00:18:26,525
I mean, not this, not this. But that?

460
00:18:26,527 --> 00:18:29,195
That's real. And someday I'm
gonna be standing up here,

461
00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:31,464
and you're not gonna be saying

462
00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:35,134
"Easy on the waterworks," are you?

463
00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,436
Oh, I'm so sorry.

464
00:18:37,438 --> 00:18:38,771
It's just so ridiculous,

465
00:18:38,773 --> 00:18:41,641
this whole thing!

466
00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:44,744
Jerky idea. Jerk!

467
00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:51,817
No. It's clear we are not doing that.

468
00:18:51,819 --> 00:18:53,219
Ow.

469
00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:56,088
Mom, are you okay? You guys all right?

470
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:59,158
Hey, uh, I'd like to apologize.

471
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,761
This was a terrible idea.

472
00:19:01,763 --> 00:19:05,998
You kept asking why
don't more people do this.

473
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,400
This is why.

474
00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:09,769
I don't want to die.

475
00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,271
Who said anything about you dying?

476
00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:13,940
Everyone. Were you not listening?

477
00:19:13,942 --> 00:19:16,108
Look, what you kids don't get

478
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,777
is life is about these moments,

479
00:19:17,779 --> 00:19:19,845
these pieces of time,

480
00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,715
these slices of life that flash by,

481
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:26,018
but they stay in your heart forever.

482
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:28,788
But I'm running out of moments.

483
00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:32,458
- How many more do I get?
- Oh, honey. No.

484
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,860
We still have plenty of time left.

485
00:19:34,862 --> 00:19:37,663
70 is the new 80.

486
00:19:37,665 --> 00:19:39,265
You mean the new 60.

487
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,700
Whatever. The point is

488
00:19:40,702 --> 00:19:44,170
that we still have many
wonderful years left.

489
00:19:44,172 --> 00:19:45,538
Oh.

490
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,906
Mmm.

491
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:48,808
I just hope I die

492
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,545
before you so I don't have
to go through this again.

493
00:19:53,948 --> 00:19:57,283
Psst! Psst! Hey, Joanie.

494
00:19:57,285 --> 00:20:00,653
Oh! What are you doing in there?!

495
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,688
I just wanted to see what it feels like.

496
00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:05,358
- You're sick! Get out of there.
- Oh,

497
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,293
it feels really good on my back.

498
00:20:07,295 --> 00:20:10,496
Hey, and there's room in here for you, too.

499
00:20:10,498 --> 00:20:11,530
Is there?

500
00:20:11,532 --> 00:20:12,965
Yeah.

501
00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:15,001
Turn on your side.

502
00:20:18,339 --> 00:20:20,106
Oh! Oh, honey.

503
00:20:20,108 --> 00:20:21,507
- Hey!
- Oh.

504
00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:23,509
- Johnny?
- Hey, there's no air in here!

505
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:24,844
It's just jammed!

506
00:20:24,846 --> 00:20:27,079
Oh, help! Help!

507
00:20:27,081 --> 00:20:30,383
Joanie, what are you waiting
for? Lift the damn lid.

508
00:20:30,385 --> 00:20:31,059
Go!

509
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,460
Dad, shut up or you're
gonna run out of air!

510
00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:35,621
What is going on?

511
00:20:35,623 --> 00:20:37,089
Their tools weren't working,
so we got to roll him

512
00:20:37,091 --> 00:20:38,724
to the Jiffy Lube across the street.

513
00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:40,993
I don't like this. I don't like it in here.

514
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,409
Hey, watch the corner.

515
00:20:44,548 --> 00:20:47,348
Hurry, before there' a
dead body in this casket!

516
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,873
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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