[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[inmate speaking Spanish]
[Taystee exhales heavily]
How are we supposed to clean the floors
with nonstop bitches tracking their shit through?
[Suzanne] We are like he whom the gods have condemned
to push the boulder up the hill only to watch it roll back down.
Oh, right, right, right, right.
And then he has to cut his arm off to get out from underneath it.
What is that guy's name? Oh, James Franco!
Sisyphus.
I did hear that rumor.
You know those Hollywood types, they will stick it in any warm hole.
Well, you don't have to be from Hollywood to wanna put it in a warm place.
It's called having a dick.
No, my Vinnie would never.
Well, maybe not in a man-hole, but you away a long time.
He could be getting his M&M melting in some ho's mouth
and not in his hand. [chuckles]
No. No, that's never gonna happen because we're talking sexy on the phone,
like, 24/7, and I mean real sexy.
And I give very good phone.
Are we talking about peanut M&M's or regular?
[both laughing]
[man on PA] Inmate Jefferson, Tasha Jefferson,
report to the warden's office.
Inmate Tasha Jefferson to the warden's office.
Who's Tasha Jefferson? Oh, Taystee?
Taystee, go to the warden's office.
We have a warden?
-Your name's Tasha? -What is this about?
The main thing is answering the phones and organizational stuff.
General assisting.
I don't know. I've never had an assistant before.
We will figure it out together.
And you swear this is legit?
'Cause I seen Shawshank
and I don't wanna go to Seg because I did your taxes too good.
I guarantee you,
you will never see anything with my social security number on it.
Never say never.
You work for MCC.
Maybe one day you realize you need food stamps
and you don't know how to fill out the forms.
Well, I'm your girl.
I can walk you through it, but I'm gonna need them digits.
However... [whispers] I'm a vault.
I don't say nothing.
And I ain't never crawling through a tunnel of piss and dookie, so rest easy.
Okay. As of now, you're off janitorial and you're with me.
Praise Jesus.
Every day. When I'm working, you're working.
Is this 'cause I won at job fair?
-Sure. -[scoffs] I told them bitches.
Take a clipboard, write things down, look busy.
Outside.
Alert! Alert! Alert!
-What? -Mmm!
[Alex] What? Healy's just showing her around.
Frieda's over there. It's all good.
Why does she get some special garden tour like some fancy Shiba Inu?
[scoffs] She's a celebrity, okay?
Fucking relax.
Uh... [stammering]
Not okay. Not... Not really relaxed.
I think you are way too relaxed...
to be in this big, brown shit-uation that we're in!
Lolly, believe me.
My insides have completely liquefied and I wanna vomit all the time...
but I have chosen to keep my voice low and appear calm.
You have to do the same.
-[exhales deeply] I can't. -You have to.
-Look at me. You... -[inhales sharply]
Listen. You have to.
Change the record in your head. Play, "He was a bad man.
We did what we had to do and we did it well.
So now it's through."
It's a mantra. Say it.
"We did what we had to do and we did it well."
You forgot the bad man part. And the end.
But that's the idea.
So whenever you're feeling worried, whenever your thoughts start to... wander,
just bring them back to the mantra... and then come and find me.
Okay?
"He was a bad man who did bad things well,
and now he's gone."
Got it!
"He was a bad man, now he's gone from the well..."
[Judy] Now that is one happy tomato. [chuckles]
I hope I do as well here.
-Hey, there's a good idea. -Hmm.
Maybe we should fertilize our women, too.
-[both chuckle] -I do love your good intentions.
-[Maureen] Hey, Judy. -Hey.
Hi.
You've got quite a following.
Yeah, I was hoping the novelty would wear off soon.
Might have to hide myself in that corn. [chuckles]
Oh, look, how beautiful!
Help yourself.
Oh! All right.
[Red] Oh, really?
Free-for-all on the produce now, huh?
Regardless of who's in the club.
Who's worked the soil, pulled the weeds, tended the seedlings.
Is that the new policy?
-This is Judy King. -Oh, I know who she is.
I've seen her... daytime TV program.
But we haven't had the pleasure.
Mrs. King is going to be joining your club, Red.
So I'll leave you to it.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
I'm sure you'll find a lot in common.
Hair and...
accents.
You know, my daddy used to call me "Red." [laughs]
Really? That's sweet. [chuckles]
My papa called me solnyshko. It means little sun.
But I've grown bigger and hotter since then, and he's dead.
So what are you going to do with that ear, now that you've picked it?
Well, I guess that depends on what else I can find around here.
I could do a Southern fried corn, a dilled corn shooter,
Taiwanese-style street corn.
Listen to fancy pants.
I could shove it up your ass.
Hmm, I'm not so big on ass play.
What do you suggest I do, Miss Red?
I'm thinking.
-Can I have some seeds? -[blowing]
You bought Ovaltine. Reap what you sow.
Ovaltine's got vitamins.
I'll trade you Ovaltine powder later for some seeds now. I'm good for it.
No deal.
You'll regret it. That's some malty goodness you're passing up.
Excuse me?
You knew going into this I had bad knees. My feet are killing me.
We are putting out a vibe.
If you are sitting and/or eating my seeds, no vibe.
Right now, there is no vibe. See? Look at this.
-All of a sudden, I'm approachable. -Picking up or dropping off?
Neither. We're out.
I gave you guys new ones yesterday.
We're hanging up our lacy intimates.
If this is because of the money Stella took, I'm good for it.
I'll pay you back.
It's not worth it anymore. We're smelling the beginning of the end.
You and all your posturing,
shipping the kangaroo down the hill. [tutting]
It's starting to feel dangerous. You've even got a heavy on the payroll.
Ha! I see what you did there.
-"Heavy." -Not on purpose.
Fine, jump ship like rats.
And I'm not talking about the Disney-Pixar kind.
I was gonna fire one of you anyway, but I'm not gonna say which one.
Chew on that.
We're gonna take a walk on the track, you wanna join us, kahuna?
No, she does not. She's got bad knees.
[sighs]
Enjoy sweating for free.
I expect all my undies still in your possession returned posthaste.
[chuckling] "Posthaste"? That's nuts.
-Do you have something to say? -Sure.
But I'll wait till I'm with my friends.
Off the backboard. [clicking and grunts]
-[Poussey] Oh! -[Brook laughs]
Short, black and bad at basketball.
-Subverting expectations since 1990. -Oh, it's okay.
Litchfield's latest lesbos, in fun-size.
Look, how much longer do you think
the world's longest game of Horse is gonna go on?
[exhales deeply] She ain't a lesbian.
I see.
Testing the waters before diving in face-first?
I'm attracted to people, not genders.
Well, aren't you special.
Tell you what, why don't you use some of that sexual fluidity
to slide off the court so the real men can play?
[scoffs] Come on.
Even though I do think labeling is a total sham...
I see the power in reclaiming an epithet.
Like you guys have with "nigga."
Okay, maybe not that exactly.
But... I really like you.
Like, really a lot. And I just--
I wanna honor your feelings, you know, if you wanna call this something.
Like, we're girlfriend-girlfriend, or...
lezzy togezzy.
[laughing] I don't know.
How about we say we're happy, yeah? Leave it at that?
Okay. [chuckles]
Oh, shit.
Hey! Hi! Hi...
Judy, I'm...
Hey, girl. [chuckles]
[Poussey stammers]
You're... Fuck!
[grumbling]
It is so cute how moony you get every time she's around.
By "cute" you mean, "lame as fuck."
Well, yeah. You need to pull it together.
I mean, she's a person you admire, but she's still just a person.
A person. Right.
You should be able to have a conversation with anyone.
Hi, I'm Brook. I'm your neighbor.
I was wondering if you'd heard about the plans to build a Walmart
at the corner of Exposition and Euclid?
Yeah, I heard about it.
Well, I'm one of a group of citizens trying to convince the city council
to turn that lot into a park space instead.
I was wondering if you'd be willing to have a friendly discussion,
or maybe even sign our petition?
-Sure... if you take your top off. -[all snickering]
-Okay, that is inappropriate. -Yes.
Inappropriate things do happen out there. How would you handle it?
You really think a grown man is gonna ask me to take my top off?
Well, there's a sex offender at 3134 10th Street. He might.
No, you do not have to go to the sex offender's house.
No one has to knock on any door that makes him or her feel uncomfortable.
But I do urge you all to be bold and stretch yourself.
By the way, has everyone signed their liability waivers?
Oh, shit.
I hear he likes little boys.
Little boy, Asian girl, are they really that far apart?
You said our break-up was going to be amicable.
Yeah, I said a lot of things. So did you, like, "I love you.
I'll always love you. This is not because of Oren."
Wait, what?
She dumped me to get with you. I'm not sweet enough arm-candy.
Oh, my God!
Could you kids drop the soap opera for another time?
We're going out there this afternoon. You need to feel like you're prepared.
Well, clearly, she's not. She can't even handle "take your top off."
Okay, 50 bucks says I get more signatures than you, Ethan.
No bet. People will sign just to shut you up.
But here's a bet.
Get the pedo to sign, I'll give you your 50 bucks.
And Oren will go on a date with you. Cool?
-I'm not really in-- -Okay!
You are so on.
He will sign and you will give me cash,
and I will spend it on a new hemp messenger bag and strawberry lube,
because Oren seems like a strawberry kind of guy.
Well--
[man] Great, now let's talk one more time about mirroring body language.
I'm just saying, if you bought me a watch, I'd be on the time better.
-There's a clock on the wall. -Not in my office.
I'll put a clock in your office.
Or you could buy me a watch, so when we out of the office like now,
I could tell you things like, "Hey, Mr. Caputo,
we're only a few minutes late to meet Piscatella,
and you the boss anyhow, so relax."
I will consider your watch request.
Hey, I'm just trying to make your life better.
This ain't about me.
By the way, what you want me to do once we there?
-Take notes. -Hold up, hold up.
"Take notes." Got you.
[Piscatella] Mop it all around.
Damn!
This place is like Rehab Addict: Litchfield Edition.
And with, like, real addicts.
[Piscatella] So, in a nutshell...
electrical is still having Internet issues,
plumbing works, but no hot water yet.
All beds and extraneous furniture are assembled and ready for move-in.
-[scribbling] -Now, the interior paint--
Uh, inmate?
What are you possibly writing that will have any salience
past this moment in time?
Well, Mr. Caputo wants notes. Now, I don't know what salience is,
but I think a checklist of what's completed and what's not
is hella revalent.
You mean "rel." Relevant.
I mean, I'm trying to do my job, same as you, big man.
Are you... suggesting that we are in any way,
on any planet, in any universe, the same, inmate?
Why don't you go check on Luschek and the Internet situation?
-What? -Let me watch you go.
Oh, you gonna "watch me" watch me?
I will watch... you.
-Go! -[chuckles] I'm goin'.
It's clearly that... [whispers] time.
-Look at me go. -Go.
-May I ask you a question, Mr. Caputo? -Shoot.
How did you choose her to be your assistant, exactly?
-Between you and me? -Yes, sir.
She's the only semi-intelligent one that I'm only...
semi-attracted to.
[laughs]
Well, if you'll follow me, I'll show you the bathroom.
-[scribbling] -What are you writing?
Man, why everybody act like
they ain't never seen a black woman with a clipboard before?
No, it's your pen.
It's exorbitantly scratchy and it's giving me anxiety.
Damn, Word-A-Day. I need to get me one of them calendars.
"Anxiety" wasn't from the calendar. That's just me.
But... "exorbitant" was.
Check out these fat phone cords.
Shit, I could make so many bracelets out of the wires in one of these--
Uh-uh. Those ain't phone cords. They're for the Internet.
And believe me, you want some of them guards to be able to watch their porn
and get it all out before they on duty, so you best leave it.
So, hey, how come you don't get to live here, Luschek?
-Because I have a home, inmate. -Oh, yeah?
-An entire basement to myself. -Hmm.
You gotta admit, though, it is kind of swanky... you know?
I mean, you could fit an entire family just right in here
and still have room for a TV.
Couple of pictures of X-rays. Home sweet home.
-Did you just say X-rays? -I did say X-rays.
'Cause when my grandmammy broke her pelvis,
all of us kids got X-rays.
'Cause the doctor was really nice, and my mom was doing him on the side.
-[both laugh] -That's funny, huh?
He literally took an entire X-ray of my whole skeleton,
and I hung it up on my wall like a fancy English guy.
But it was just pictures of bones instead of--
You know, it wasn't, like, real bones.
Your life is grotesque.
-Another big word. -What are you even doing here?
Mr. Caputo wanted me to check up on the Internet issue.
Inmate...
Scar-neck, explain the problem.
It doesn't work.
There you go.
[Lorna] Hey, baby.
[Vince] Yeah, I thought you were getting home an hour ago.
Oh, I know, the traffic was awful coming back from the store.
I think there was a wreck or something.
Anyway, how was work? How are you?
-Vinnie? -Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just in a mood.
Well, don't you worry.
You just sit right down. I'm gonna give you such a nice backrub.
-Lorna... -[Lorna moans]
-Lorna! -Honey, you're so tense.
I'm reaching around and I'm feeling down
your chiseled and bumpy abs.
Oh, my goodness.
I just found your cock-a-doodle-doo and it's so hard.
-[woman knocking] Vinnie? Hurry up! -I'm busy!
All right?
Lorna, I can't really do this today, okay?
Well, can you at least try?
No, my roommates! It's awkward.
Well, I'm talking about kissing crotches in front of 50 other women,
but for you, it's awkward?
I don't know, I thought you were into that.
Well, uh...
Maybe you could feel that way about your roommates.
Don't say that.
Well, do you have a speaker? Put me on speaker, baby.
I'll talk so nice for you and the boys.
[woman] Vinnie, are you gonna help him with his homework?
Lorna, my roommates are my parents and my kid brother.
[scoffs] What?
All right? There, now you know.
Well, why didn't you say that before?
I mean, what kind of fantasy is that gonna be?
[stammers] You thought you married a man, not a boy.
Look, I gotta go, all right?
Gino's back from school. I gotta help him with his homework.
[scoffs]
Okay.
I think he shares a room with his kid brother.
Does that mean no more phone-boning in front of everybody?
Because, legit, that shit was kind of gross.
But also hot.
I'm having mixed emotions right now.
Yeah, me, too.
[gasps]
She's taking all the green beans. I asked her not to!
Nicely, even! Ignored.
And her flunkeys, always lurking around now.
-Look! -I'm looking.
In Russia, we have a saying...
[speaking Russian]
"Don't open your mouth to eat other people's bread."
Or what?
Ask the Germans in wintertime.
-Uh, Miss Judy? -Uh-huh.
Uh, I was wondering if you would sign my cookbook.
Of course.
That's so nice. Um...
I'll buy one and bring it to you when we both get out.
All right, well, we have a date, then.
Now, thank you, ladies. Bye-bye for now. All right.
Mmm.
Hey, there, Judy King.
Oh, guilty as charged, in all respects.
That's a joke, darlin'.
Oh! [laughs]
You know, a lot of people in here are funny without meaning to be.
I learned the hard way to hold my mirth.
Oh, well, let your mirth fly free. I mean to be funny.
All right. [laughs]
Um... actually, I was wondering if I could speak to you about my friend.
Oh, that little retarded girl?
She's actually not... challenged at all,
which is what we're supposed to say, not the R-word.
Oh, uh... "R"s, "F"s, "L-M-N-O-P"s and "Q"s.
You know, I get in more trouble for expanding those single letter words,
but never "N"s.
Despite this drawl, I'm brighter than that.
So, now, you were saying? About your friend who is not challenged.
-[chuckles] -Am I allowed to say "special"?
No, she's not special. Well, she is to me.
-Mmm. -But not euphemistically.
She's a fan and whenever she sees you, she freaks out.
You've gotta understand.
Institutional racism... traps the most vulnerable people in our society
in this cycle of incarceration which, in turn, leads to a cycle of poverty.
It makes someone like you... someone rich and powerful and white,
virtually unapproachable.
All right, so now let me get this straight.
Your friend acts like a moron around me because she's black and poor?
-Is that right? -Basically... yes.
[sighs] I think her mother was a crack addict or something.
You might as well be an alien.
But you could bridge the divide.
-The way you did. -Yeah, exactly! [chuckles]
All right, how about this? Why don't you bring her over at lunch?
Okay. [chuckles]
It'll be like, uh... the 1% sitting with the other 1%.
Oh, my God.
"The other 1%" is such a good hashtag.
[chuckles]
[man on TV] The New Orleans police put out a call to...
-Hi! My name is Brook... -Look...
...and I was wondering if--
Take your picture or smash an egg in my face,
or whatever you need to do for you and your friends to get your jollies.
-But spare me the setup, all right? -I don't have a setup.
You know who I am?
Yeah, I do, actually.
You're a member of the community
who has as much right as any of your neighbors
to be concerned about the big-box monstrosity
that's being proposed for the corner of Exposition and Euclid.
I'd be happy to talk about it with you, if you have the time.
Look, I'm watching this Hurricane Katrina stuff.
It's really intense.
The world's gonna be lousy with Katrinas
if we let mega-corporations like Walmart carbon-bomb our planet.
You wanna come in?
Sure.
Yeah, I'll give you the whole shpiel.
Spiel.
Sorry, I never know how to pronounce that.
Wait, um...
how old are you?
Nineteen.
Okay.
Come in.
[man on TV] ...aspect of this terrible hurricane
that came on land with 145 mile-an-hour...
Okay.
I don't know if you realize,
but the introduction of mega-retailers, like Walmart,
almost invariably have a negative effect on property values--
-You're so nervous. -I'm not nervous.
I'm passionate about saving local businesses.
Like Lola's Bloomers.
-May I? -Sure. Sure.
Conservative estimates are that there will be
thousands of more cars in the neighborhood per day because of the construction--
It says you wanna put a park in instead.
I can't live within 2,500 feet of a park.
They would literally kick me out of my own home.
Sorry.
Can I talk about the elephant in the room for a second?
I wish you wouldn't.
I look across from me and I don't see a monster.
I see a human being fighting to control the animalistic parts of his brain,
true grit overcoming impulse.
Not everybody judges you.
What if I told you it was kiddie porn?
I'd...
say you need support,
and I'd applaud your restraint for finding an outlet for your compulsions.
[scoffs] Wow! You will really say whatever it takes.
Well, it was a lot worse than kiddie porn.
Wanna see?
No, I don't... I don't need... No.
No need.
Um...
Wait, all you did was have sex on the beach?
Consenting adults on an empty beach.
Well, except for the creeper that filmed it and turned us in to the cops.
-But you think that pervo got in trouble? -That is insane. I mean...
[sighs] You are such a cautionary tale.
I would be, if people got the story right.
But once I had to go around door-to-door announcing my status,
the rumors got started...
I don't know. It's all so fucked.
Here.
It's not like Walmart's gonna lose.
Awesome.
[sharpener whirring]
[phone ringing]
-Oh... -[continues ringing]
Uh... [clears throat]
Warden Caputo's office.
This is Ms. Jefferson speaking, how may I assist you?
[man] Is Warden Caputo available?
Let me place you on a brief hold while I go and check.
[beeping]
Fuck.
Oh, well, you gonna call back.
Hello? I'm still here.
Damn, you are still there. Then why the little light go out?
Anyway, don't matter, I ain't got him right now.
Will you please let him know I called?
All right, you take good care now.
-Yeah. -[breathes deeply]
Shit.
What? What happened?
I didn't quite get his name.
[sighs] You don't know who it was?
Well, it was some brother,
sounded like a salesman-type, if you ask me.
So I probably did you a favor there.
Oh! And then some white lady, she called about a get-together. Mmm-hmm.
It happened twice?
Jesus, Jefferson, what am I paying you for?
Are you sure she said "get-together"?
What does that even mean? Like... like, a meeting?
Like a meeting.
Or... like a date, maybe.
You holding out on me?
You somebody's Ca-baby-boo-to?
You're on thin fucking ice, Jefferson.
Was it Linda?
Possibly.
It wasn't Natalie, was it?
[clicks tongue] Linda sounds more right.
Okay. Get Linda from MCC on the line.
All right.
Press the button that says "Line one."
-One. -Nine and the number.
Nine... Got you.
-[muttering] -[line ringing]
-[clears throat] -[Linda] Uh, hello?
Yes, hello. I have Director Caputo. I will transfer you now.
[beeps]
[blows raspberries] Shit!
-[dialing] -[phone rings]
Warden Caputo's office.
[Caputo] Jefferson, I got it.
My bad! My bad!
-[Linda] Hello, uh, Joe? -Linda, hi. Uh...
Jefferson, hang up your line.
I don't wanna disconnect y'all.
Hang up the phone!
Uh, I'm still training her.
Uh, I got your message about a get-together.
Oh, uh... wrong Linda, I think.
-[sighs] -But we do need to celebrate our victory.
All these veterans becoming guards.
Yes. Yes, we absolutely do.
Any chance you're free tonight?
Tonight?
Yes, it's perfect.
Um...
We can celebrate and, uh, talk business.
-How about La Fontana's at 8:00? -Yeah, great. [chuckles]
-Great. I'll see you tonight. -Okay, bye.
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]
Ah! Even the staff waits for the bathroom now, hmm?
What can I do for you, Red? [sighs]
I want to talk to you about the King woman.
You two are hitting it off, right?
You gave her the run of my garden. How did you think that would go?
You know, planting a flag on the Moon doesn't mean that you own it.
You're Russian. I thought you'd appreciate that attitude.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm only concerned for her.
Respect in prison has to be earned.
I don't know about that.
You've received a lot of leeway from staff around here.
You seem to be doing all right.
Was that what this is about? Are you punishing me?
Did you do something wrong?
I did the only reasonable thing I could.
There's no such thing as a consensual relationship
between a prisoner and a guard.
Lorna's wedding was a bittersweet end
to a relationship that never actually happened, Sam.
-[toilet flushes] -You're reading something into this
that isn't there, Reznikov.
And what goes on with Mrs. King is none of your business.
You're pampering her.
Oops!
[sighs]
She even gets a magazine?
What do you want, Ruiz?
I heard about your labor dispute. I thought maybe my friends could fill in?
This is Pidge.
You know Ouija, or she knows you.
And that's Zirconia.
Zirconia?
I took out all my rocks before I come in,
so nobody would think they was diamonds and rip 'em out.
Plus...
I don't think it's allowed.
They're all ready and willing to join your panty party.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Privately, please.
What are you doing? This is not a publicly traded company.
Its very existence depends on keeping its existence hidden.
Chill the fuck out. I was just trying to help you.
I don't need your help.
What I need is your discretion,
and you bringing a bunch of thugs into my house is the opposite of that.
I decide who knows about Felonious Spunk. I decide who gets hired.
I am the prison pussy panty business.
Somebody's getting a little big for her panties, I think.
I'm gonna choose to assume you're talking about yourself
and take that as an apology.
[snickers]
You're talking shit out a paper asshole, Chapman.
But when an actual hard-ass bitch decides to call you on it...
well... [tutting and inhales sharply]
Pretty sure she was talking about herself on that last one.
[Suzanne] It's not fair.
It is the most unfair thing that's ever happened in this prison.
Mmm, what about when Carson went to SHU for sneezing too loud?
Or what's-her-face, the Puerto Rican girl, with the gimpy eye?
And when she got the wrong meds by accident in the med line and went nutso,
and gimped her other eye with a spork. Now, she double gimp-eyed.
Or how 'bout when Pornstache used to make the meth heads
blow him for drugs in the mop closet?
Or the time Chapman got furlough?
I retract and redact.
New statement.
It's easily the top 138 most unfair things that has ever happened here.
What is?
Your new job.
My job is the bomb!
You sit at a desk all day when you were plucked from the most rewarding job.
I'm not saying it's on par with all the human rights abuses in here,
but women fought for a long time to shake the role of desk-ridden secretary.
Are you for real?
-Hey! -[all laugh]
Do you get the Internet?
-Do you have a mini-fridge? -Ah!
Do you have a skeleton key made from real human bone
that opens a door to a world of talking animals?
Man, I got me a clipboard
and a personal relationship with Mr. Caputo.
-[mimics buzzing] -[all laugh]
Man, if George R. R. Martin wrote about prisons,
I'd be, like... the Hand of the Warden.
Yo, don't the Hand always die in them books?
Man, whatever, okay?
Winter is coming, bitches.
And I'm getting me a watch.
-For real? -Yes.
Hey. [chuckles]
Yo...
I feel like she's smiling and waving at me.
[mouthing]
Maybe she can see dead people and there's one standing right...
right in front of you.
Are the hairs standing up on the back of your neck?
I feel like I'm the dead person.
I... may have set you up on a blind friend date!
-Wait, you did what? No! -Surprise!
-What? -[chuckling] I just talked you up.
-Go! Be yourself. -Yo...
[both giggling]
-Go, P! -Go, P! Go, P!
-Let me fix your clothes. -Get off me!
Hey. [chuckles]
You must be Poo-see.
She called her Poo-see!
No, I'm sorry. Did I say that right?
Yeah, yeah. Poussey, it's French.
Oh, French.
I was named after a great aunt
who hid pearls from the Yankees under her pendulous breasts.
[laughs nervously]
And she also brewed a famous home remedy that supposedly cured hookworm.
-Not quite so exotic. -Listen.
-Hmm. -I... I feel...
I feel like I need to apologize...
-Uh-uh. -...for just being all, like,
weird and stuff, you know, I just...
-I dig your whole thing, you know. -[chuckles]
And I just, I watch your show so much, so seeing you in person was just,
you know, I got all tongue-tied, and fan-girly and stuff.
So I'd try to say words,
but when they came out of my mouth, it just sound like...
All right, all right, all right. Relax, darlin'.
Your friend has told me the whole story. She has got you covered.
You gotta sink a hook in the keepers, especially in this place.
-Uh-huh. -You know, it's funny.
Me and Brook, we never would've crossed paths.
I mean, growing up all over the world,
bouncing culture to culture with a strict, conservative family,
versus, you know, sleeping in tent cities with a bunch of dirty hippies,
eating food out of dumpsters. Oof!
You have been through a lot.
[stammers] Nah, it was... I mean, it was good.
Well, I mean, it was hard, you know?
Like, I guess being transient,
and not really having any long-term friends,
but I do know three languages.
Hmm! Wait...
-you know three languages? -[chuckles] Yeah.
How does the child of a crack whore learn three languages?
-That is remarkable. -Excuse me?
What languages?
English, French and German. Did you just call my mother a crack whore?
My mother had a masters in Art History and she could barely take an aspirin.
-Excuse me? -My dad is a major in the army.
I was supposed to go to West Point.
I guess you were expecting just another ghetto prison rat.
At least one of us lives up to the stereotype.
What, no! Sweetheart, no!
You have snatched the taste right out of my mouth.
I'm just parroting what your girlfriend told me about you.
You came out of a cycle of poverty, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, it seems to me that you two formed this relationship without talking much.
Did you know I am learning Italian?
[sighs]
[stammers]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
So, did Chester the Molester sign?
You owe me 50 bucks.
-Whoa. -And you better take me out.
I can't believe you had the balls to do it.
Whatever, he probably finger-banged
his 15-year-old girlfriend when he was 17 or something else no big.
The sex offender lists are full of sob stories
about people's lives being ruined by technicalities.
I read all about it on Salon.com.
[scoffs] You know, as a matter of fact,
he was a fucking horrible child-molester rapist.
Because I'm so sure he told you that.
Yeah, 'cause he... He fucking tried to seduce me.
He invited me in for lemonade.
-And you went in? -Yeah.
He told me I didn't look 19.
[inhales deeply] That's when I knew I was in trouble.
Shit.
He stroked my hair.
[scoffs] He wanted to brag, so he showed me the newspaper article
about how he stalked this nine-year-old girl from his church,
for, like, a year.
Earning her trust, gradually convincing her to...
Well, to...
[sighs] To...
[exhales sharply] And then I was running down the street.
For your fucking bet, Ethan.
For 50 fucking dollars.
But also because I...
because I wanted to go out with you.
[exhales deeply]
[Caputo] I really appreciate you coming all the way down from Utica.
Sorry, again, I couldn't get a seat in one of the gondolas.
No, no, it's okay. This is great.
I'm really glad that you thought I called.
[chuckles]
These new guards, they're a... they're a big win for us.
Like, "us" us.
And the company, but especially "us" us.
Yeah. We're not a bad team, Linda from Purchasing.
To us, Joe from Litchfield Human Activity,
and our continued wins.
-And to the veterans, of course. -Of course. [chuckles]
# Happy, happy birthday clappy #
# Join us as we celebrate #
# Clap your hands and dance around #
# Have a laugh and eat some cake #
# Happy birthday, happy birthday Happy birthday #
# You're so great! #
[all cheering]
What?
The bald guy... is, uh...
one of our former guards.
A really good guy. Donaldson.
A good guy... who walked out in the middle of
an inmate transfer/high-profile self-surrender?
Yeah, I get your point.
Don't beat yourself up, Joe.
You handled that situation like a total boss.
Meant both literally and in that hip-kid lingo way.
Jesus!
He's not even a fucking waiter.
-He's a busboy. -[laughs]
-What? -No, just...
you could've lost your job...
or faced prosecution had inmates gone missing that day.
I mean, you're concerned about... these jerks that hung you out to dry.
You're quite a guy, Joe Caputo.
[waiter] There you go, sir. Whenever you're ready.
-Uh, do me a favor, will you? -[waiter] Mmm-hmm.
-The change is yours. -Okay.
Give a 20 to that busboy over there.
Wait till we're gone. I don't want to make a thing of it, okay?
[waiter] Okay.
Hey, Mr. Caputo!
-Look, Donaldson-- -I don't need your money, Mr. Caputo.
It's nothing, take it, it's--
Nah, this is not to help me.
This is to make you feel better about that...
pardon my French, miss, bullshit you pulled.
-Okay, Joe, let's go. -The bullshit I pulled?
I work three jobs. This is the good one.
O'Neill? I heard he had kidney stones.
But no health insurance.
So he thought he'd power through, wait for it to pass.
It didn't.
Now he's on dialysis. He may lose a kidney.
-Jesus. -Yeah.
So take your $20 and drown your conscience in a bottle of gin,
because paying me to feel better about it ain't gonna work.
Donaldson.
You tell O'Neill I'm sorry about his stones.
I'm also sorry you gotta work here.
But I need you to understand something.
I'm sorry for you. I don't regret firing any of you.
You walked out on the biggest day the prison's faced in 25 fuckin' years.
You put the prisoners at risk, you put your fellow COs at risk,
you put this whole town in danger!
The shit hit and instead of moving the fan away,
[stammers] you plugged it in and you hit "oscillate."
I was gonna make you captain of the guard, Wade.
Really.
You keep the 20.
Least I could do for helping me dodge a bullet.
I'm sorry about this.
These houses are yours to live in, but they are prison property.
They will be treated with respect.
As long as they are treated with respect, you will be as well.
Okay, the warden has asked me to do a...
icebreaker event.
I will demonstrate this activity with CO...
-McCullough, sir. -Okay, McCullough.
Tell me two true things about you and one lie.
I will attempt to guess the lie.
Okay, um...
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]
I came to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, please don't lock me out. You're right to be upset.
How would you know?
You don't know anything about me, Soso.
[scoffs]
And, what, you think I'm upset about my mom's crack abuse
or because I grew up poor, black and uneducated in the urban jungle?
Okay, I watched The Wire a lot. I made assumptions.
But you spent time with me.
I mean, did you even listen when I talked?
Like, what the fuck about me, besides the color of my skin,
would indicate that I'm some indigent hood rat?
-I don't know. -[scoffs]
No, it's fine, it's cool. I'm guilty, too. I won't lie.
You know, I like the story of the rich, white, hippie girl in my bed.
I've been working that on my end.
I don't want this to end.
[Gloria] What good is coming up here
and sitting in the lobby every weekend gonna do?
She wants to get Sophia out, she needs to get a lawyer
or a non-profit involved or something.
Ms. Burset said that the prison has tons of lawyers,
so at least coming up here and waiting for the warden to come out
to get into his face is something...
Michael started a Kickstarter campaign.
Kickstarter? What that mean?
Not much, usually.
There's nothing to be ashamed about.
Plenty of guys live with their parents.
Right, yeah, I mean, you know...
I'm just doing this to save money, you know?
'Cause I could live on my own, obviously.
Oof! Obviously. I mean, very, very obviously.
It just makes the most financial sense, you know?
For the both of us.
Oh!
That's my manicotti, always thinking of his little lasagna.
[chuckles] Hey...
I made you something.
Fresh baked.
Lorna...
No, no, no, don't say it.
You know, even though it took a lot of time,
and I had to go to the store twice,
you... are worth it.
[exhales deeply]
[sniffs]
Hmm.
Mmm!
-Mmm! -It's still warm.
My favorite.
Peanut butter and M&M's.
-Snickerdoodles. -Oh!
-I love you. -Oh!
And you should. I am quite a catch.
Oh, my God, you are. You so are.
[exhales deeply]
Fuck.
I want you.
-Vinnie. -I want you.
It's our living room.
The neighbors want to look in, that's their good luck.
I'm already unbuttoning my shirt.
My goodness, you know that I can't resist your muscular chest.
Oh, my God.
My hands, they're in your hair right now.
-I'm stroking it real soft. -[panting]
Till I grab a handful of it and pull it back.
[moans] You're such a man.
[Vince] Oh, God. I'm licking your neck.
Kissing your ears.
My hand is on that big mountain in your pants,
and I am unzipping you right now.
And I'm pulling your shirt off real slow.
No, no, no, it's a button-up.
-I unbutton it real slow. -No, no, no, tear it off.
-Pulling it off. It's off. -Tear it off.
It's off, the buttons, they're everywhere. They're everywhere.
Oh, my God, my mouth... My mouth is on those big titties.
-My nipples are so hard right now. -Oh, my God, my cock.
Oh, my God, my cock is really hard.
I know, baby.
No, it's really hard. Like, right now, it's really hard.
-I know, Vinnie... -Oh, God.
-Vinnie, put it inside me. -Yeah?
Oh, my God, it's in you. Oh, it's in you.
-Oh, my God, it's in you. -[Lorna moaning]
It feels so good.
You're so wet. You are so wet.
I actually am.
-I'm super wet right now. -I know.
[both panting]
Do it to me.
I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
-Don't stop. -I'm not stopping.
I'm not stopping. I'm not gonna stop.
Oh, my God.
-Oh, baby! -[strained] Oh, my God!
[yells]
[man] He's humping the table.
[Vince sighs]
-[panting] -[woman] What the hell?
Hey! Hey, stay right here. Stay looking at me, all right?
Jesus Christ.
[man] Don't think I don't see you.
Pleasure, as always.
Also, I want to talk to you about something.
If this is about last week, I don't get to control my flow.
I think it's all the stress of all these new bitches in here.
I know these last few weeks have had their challenges.
So... I wanted to say thank you.
And keep up the good work.
Your morale is important to me.
Oh! That's so sweet.
Ovaltine?
It's to make chocolate milk.
Pretty much only Chinese people drink it now,
which is probably why it's at commissary, but it's really good.
So, it's chocolate powder for my powdered milk?
It's got vitamins.
Oh!
See? New bitches.
Why are they always staring like they're waiting for a donkey show to start?
I don't think they're staring at you. They were following us earlier.
And you didn't say anything?
People can stare.
-It's a free country. -Not in prison.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
I bet your Bloody Mary gonna come early, too.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey.
[sighs]
You okay?
-No. You? -[exhales deeply]
No.
Do you want to talk about it?
Not really. You?
But have you ever heard the phrase "paper asshole"?
[chuckles] No.
Ruiz said it to me.
I think I pissed off the Dominicans.
Relax.
You run the Litchfield panty company... not the Sinaloa drug cartel.
No one's stitching your face to a soccer ball.
See ya around, Pipes.
[Gloria] What's this?
[in Spanish] It's for the eyes. Takes the red out.
[in English] I know what it is, pendeja. What's it doing out? It's contraband.
Whoops! I need to be more careful.
Yeah, you do. A few drops of that falls into the food,
and this whole prison will be shitting their brains out.
Really? I had no idea.
She acts so tough, but to stress-eat this food?
The poor woman.
[laughs] Oh, you evil, Russian bitch.
What can I say? I do a lot with a little.
[laughs]
No!
No! No!
[inmate] What the fuck? That's my toilet paper.
-[defecating] -Oh!
[rap music playing in distance]
I talk a lot.
I babble...
until I find something the person I'm with is interested in.
And I'll say anything I can to get them to like me.
But I... really... really like you.
The real you.
[scoffs] You don't know the real me.
But I want to.
So in, like, a minute, I'm gonna put down this radio,
and I'm gonna listen to you tell me about yourself.
And I'm not gonna try to rewrite your story in my head.
And then, when you're done, I'd like to tell you about myself.
[sighs]
And some of it will be embarrassing and ugly...
but mostly boring. [exhales]
And then...
maybe afterwards, we could, like... quiz each other or something?
Eminem?
[chuckles]
Yeah, it's not a presumption about you liking rap.
It's just... AM 700 The OG is the only station that comes in clear.
[snickers and clears throat]
Jackson, North Carolina.
Is that where you were born?
No, that's where my great-grandmother was born.
I mean, stuffed crust shoulda revolutionized pizza,
-but it was just a fad. -Man, nah, it's the same thing.
-Man, it is not the same thing! -All right.
'Cause that's Italian... this is Mexican.
You got a stuffed tortilla, and you stuff that with more stuff.
-[faint humming] -Man, it's my golden ticket,
and I'm gonna do it right with that business savvy and shit.
-[scatting] -Hey, hey, hey!
Do you hear that?
[humming continues]
What is that?
[inmate] Wow, look at that.
[inmates chatting indistinctly]
That's a drone.
-It's a drone. -Shit! What's it doing here?
Like we some Iraqi wedding?
Man, come on. We're gonna be late.
He was a bad man and we did good things.
He did bad things and we killed him good.
No, we did bad.
No!
We did well.
[whispering] Hey.
Have you seen Whitehill?
Yeah, I forgot the garden needed turning.
If Rikerson comes back, just tell him where we went, okay?
Oh, fuck!
[grunting]
-No! No! -Lolly, Lolly.
-[shushing] -Listen, listen.
They know! They know!
They found you! We have to move the body!
[whispering] Shut up. We cannot move the body.
There's drones.
Stop it, Lolly.
We cannot move it.
If I told you I already moved it, would it calm you down?
Maybe for a minute.
Good, 'cause I did.
Now, scat.
[fence opens and closes]
You didn't actually move it.
Hell, no. And I'm not about to.
[sucks teeth] We're gonna have to kill her.
[rap music playing]