[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[inmates talking indistinctly]
Hey, Chapman, I was thinking, my, uh...
my brother runs the Philly chapter of Aryan Brotherhood.
Maybe it's time we got connected, make this shit official.
[muffled] Uh, we are a task force, Sankey.
Yeah, technically. But...
isn't that 'cause we're afraid to say we're worthy of love?
White shame.
We've gotta love ourselves loud and proud.
White and proud!
I really do not feel comfortable being a part of a brand.
On the other hand, there's strength in numbers.
Hey!
This bathroom? Not yours.
I'm just checking out the water pressure.
We have such long lines on our floor.
I guess because there's so many of us.
[grunts]
-Something's up. -Come on.
Well, I guess you've found a way to stay protected.
It's too bad, you know, there's no Hawaiian power group
for me to hide behind.
Oh, you'll be fine.
I'm the only one that Ruiz has beef with.
Probably.
I jumped one of her girls, remember? They think I'm one of your crew.
Look, I cannot be responsible for you right now.
I have to be pragmatic.
[scoffs] That's it? You're throwing me to the wolves?
I wouldn't say I'm throwing you to them. I would say that wolves exist...
which I am helpless to defend you against.
[Sankey] There's shit scratched in one of the stalls.
Man, what did I tell you?
I mean, trying to keep these mongrel races from making graffiti is like...
trying to keep dogs from pissing, and monkeys from throwing poop.
-[Piper] Uh... -[sighs] You ready to go?
I'm right behind you.
Look, if you're feeling vulnerable, make friends, make new friends.
I can't help you, but I'm rooting for you.
-[inmates arguing] -This is the hallway.
Commissary.
-You remember this, when you were here? -Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me.
Great! Here's your toothbrush. Bye!
Oh, wait, wait. What's my bed assignment?
I don't know. I drive the van. They didn't tell you in Processing?
Man, nobody told me shit!
Do I just go to the dorms or what?
Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm too far away.
-[sighs] -[Stratman] All right, you, step up.
Let's go.
Uh, excuse me, Officer--
Keep the traffic moving.
Yeah, I know. Look, I'm just wondering--
Rubbernecking causes accidents...
from my foot up your ass. Got it?
All right. [clears throat] Jeez.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
Hey, man, how ya doin'?
Oh... Hey.
Man, you are a sight for sore eyes. I ain't seen you in, like, forever.
Yeah... I took an extended vacation.
Man, what's wrong with these guys?
They work for the government.
Oh.
Come on. Walk with me.
There have been a lot of changes.
I thought this place was all cool when I first got here.
Just private and clean.
But now, they brought in the military
and then they cracked down on the Jewish presence.
[stuttering] And now they got cameras and drones
monitoring our every activity.
Plus, we are ruled by a fascist bearded giant!
Okay, I am so sorry,
I, you know... [stuttering] I just... I didn't realize.
-You're crazy, and-- -No, no, no.
No, no, it's my fault. It really is because
I thought I knew you, so I engaged in this conversation
thinking you'd say things that made sense. And that is on me.
[stuttering] It's the truth.
Got it.
Hey, you wanna know where the cameras are?
-Nah, I'm good. -Okay.
[young Lolly] You read my new piece?
What are you doing? You transcribing it yet?
[Ann-Marie] Not until John gives the go-ahead.
-Why? What's the problem? -Talk to John.
Oh, and Lolly,
I know banging it out on an old typewriter has a certain mystique,
but do us all a favor and get yourself a computer.
Buy an Amiga. Live in the now.
-[knocking] -Hey! You didn't like my article?
[John] Sit down.
You have got to stop bringing me articles without getting editorial approval.
Uh, I asked you to write a review on Kenny Rogers Roasters,
not an exposé on a local business.
But I gave you the Roasters review and an exposé!
No, this is a real story.
Diamond Dry Cleaners haven't paid for waste pickup in three years.
So where are all the chemicals going?
I think they're illegally dumping.
[chuckles] Okay. First of all, that's complete speculation.
Second, we're a free weekly, not The Washington Post.
So what are you saying, we're not allowed to report the news?
[scoffs]
Or is this a conflict of interest
because you happen to like the way they press your shirts?
Uh, I'm killing the story.
-Really? -Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry you wasted your time.
Maybe follow procedure and check with me first when you have a pitch?
[echoing] And don't go sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.
-What? -Hmm?
[Taystee] What is this?
I can't even see her.
Man, man, what you mean?
She right there, coming out the door.
Tsk. [grunts]
Maybe she a little blurry.
Quite blurry.
She look like the Loch Ness Monster.
Might be Judy King. Might be swamp gas.
Yo, this is crap.
Ain't y'all in her cooking class?
Like, why didn't y'all get a picture of her gettin' her cook on?
I'm supposed to whip out my contraband cell phone
in the middle of the cafeteria?
Look, bottom line, we've got to get her alone,
and we have to snap a candid.
Hmm. Hey, this ain't so much worse than that picture in Us Weekly.
Yes, it is. And at least that picture told a story.
It was Judy King lending her green thumb to help the poor inmates.
That's the kind of picture y'all need to get.
And it's U.S. Weekly.
You talkin' some white messiah bullshit.
Yeah, because that's the kind of bullshit that sells, boo-boo.
Shots of her teaching someone... how to read or some shit.
I'll pretend I don't know how to read if it make me famous.
[scoffs] It's my camera.
If anyone's gonna be in the shot with Judy, it's me.
Not me. I know how to read.
Whoa, I got an idea.
How 'bout Abdullah wearing a vest made of explosives
and Judy the King trying to defuse the bombs
while I'm runnin' away.
How about... I punch you in the face?
I'm kiddin'. [groans]
Where that famous Muslim sense of humor?
-[snickers] -[sighs]
All right, we'll keep brainstorming.
Just make sure she looks friendly,
[in Southern accent] like the Judy King America has grown to love.
What time is it?
Oh! It's late!
Just take a picture that tells a story, okay?
-Now. In focus. -[snapping fingers]
Work on it.
Ooh-whee! Yes, ma'am.
Taystee all high siddity.
She's gone mad with slight empowerment.
But I do like her new watch.
-Very cool watch. -That's a nice watch.
[Suzanne] Mmm-hmm.
[phone ringing]
[clicks]
Hey, babe. I was just thinking about you.
[Linda] I was just thinking about you, too.
And from thought to action, call Joe.
I almost drove over to surprise you last night,
but I was too tired to make the commute.
Next time tell me.
I'll meet you halfway. There's a... 24-hour diner off Route 9...
with a private bathroom.
[laughing] You're joking, right?
Hey, well...
sure. [chuckling]
You're joking. That's repulsive.
Um, listen, Joe.
I showed your education proposal to Jack.
Yeah... and?
He loves it.
That's amazing! Amazing!
He had a few questions about the course list,
and he wanted to make a few minor adjustments
before sending it up the line.
All right, well, what kind of adjustments?
Well, the courses that you were suggesting seemed, he felt,
a little too weighted towards the arts and humanities.
Well, did you show him the research on that?
Those college-based initiatives are shown to reduce recidivism.
Yes, I know, and we love that.
But... if we could balance that out with some more vocational training,
that would make more sense to the board.
Huh.
Joe, you don't get to be Orson Welles. We have to meet them halfway.
I'll meet them halfway if you meet me halfway.
Okay, sweetie, I don't...
Enough about the bathroom. I don't... I don't like it, okay?
So, I will call you later tonight when we hear back from the board.
In person, I hope.
[Linda] We'll see how it goes. You know I love a win.
[school bell ringing]
Surprised you even stopped, you son of a bitch.
Keep your feet on the curb.
[child] Oh.
[inmates speaking indistinctly]
Holy shit. Hey, Chapman.
-[laughs] Nikki! -[Dixon] Hey.
I flunked out of prison, but they gave me a do-over.
-[Dixon] Hey. -[sighs] Uh, man.
I mean, I'd give you a real hug but, uh,
I guess it's already been an "orgy of touching."
Isn't that right, Officer Dixon?
No more hugs. You're maxed out.
What about, uh, pussy licking? Is that an option?
Just to... get reacquainted.
No? No.
Judging by that look, I guess pussy licking is also off the table.
-[laughing] -It's really good to see you.
You too, Chapman.
[Sankey clears throat]
Sorry, this is Brandy, and this is...
Sankey and...
Skinhead Helen.
Skinhead Helen, hi. Nice tattoos.
We're members of a community task force.
They are a white power group.
That's not true. Not officially.
But we're working on it.
I don't think racism should be a group activity.
-It's private. -Agree to disagree.
A lot has happened since you left.
Oh, yeah, I'm getting that.
[Red gasps]
[sighs]
Okay. That's enough.
I said break it up.
Red, this guy's serious.
I'll take the shot.
Some things can't be rushed.
[Piscatella] Hey.
What do you think you're doing?
Oh, no, it's the giant.
If you run away from me, you will regret it, inmate.
Officers in proximity, apprehend inmate Whitehill,
approaching C-Yard like an antelope.
And here is living area.
The TV works, but he likes it like that.
I think his name is Randall.
-Does someone come and clean at least? -That is tenants' responsibility.
Look, if you don't like it, you don't have to be here.
-Good... -Oh, Lolly, come on, wait a minute.
[Ann-Marie laughs]
-I... I want to go stay with my mom. -Your mom moved away, remember?
She gave up the apartment.
You can't go back there anymore or they're gonna call the police.
I'm sorry, babe, but you can't come back to work either,
and I don't... I don't know what else to do with you.
I can stay with you.
I could take care of the baby.
You think I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy, Ann-Marie.
I'm not crazy, either, Ann-Marie!
You know what? I'm gonna go talk to the guy
and see if we can't get you a nicer room.
What was that? What... what was that look?
-[whispers] Is that a signal? -What? A signal?
What does that mean, "a nicer room"?
I'll be right back. Just, please, sit down.
So... what'd you do?
What?
What did you do? For them to put you here.
They say it's 'cause I'm crazy.
But really...
it's because I'm a reporter,
and I discovered a plot that they would rather keep secret.
The U.S. Government is poisoning its own population
as a pretext to declare martial law.
And they've been trying to discredit me ever since I found out the truth.
That's typical. CIA?
CIA, FBI, UPS, FEMA.
I don't know how deep this thing goes.
Well, the deeper you look, the deeper it gets.
Listen to me. You can't stay here.
You're too much of a target...
and Randall gets violent.
[sighs]
-I don't think I have a choice. -Of course you have a choice.
You have free will. They can't control your mind.
Well...
[stammers] At least until the fluoride levels reach
two milligrams per liter.
But you're gonna need some help.
See, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna connect you to a friend of mine. His name is Roy.
He's an ally of the resistance,
and he buys scrap metal for 50 cents a pound.
You get a shopping cart,
start collecting cans and other useful bits and pieces.
You can make easy $20, $30 a day.
Wait, you... you want me to collect scrap metal?
But I'm a journalist.
Okay. This may be so, but you cannot stay here.
[whispers] This whole place is wired.
-[whispers] What? -And like I said, Randall gets violent.
-[whispers] Is that Randall? -No.
I'm Randall.
-You're Randall? -Yeah.
Excuse-- Excuse me for a second.
Sure.
-[grunting] -Lolly! Lolly, where are you going?
Lolly, stop!
-[Yoga Jones] Hey, Judy. -Hey.
How was visitation?
Oh, it was fine.
It was nice to see Bill.
Would've been better if the husband hadn't come.
On the same day?
Reg can't drive, so Bill had to take him.
And it's not awkward?
You know what is awkward?
Is havin' your past rise up and bite you in the butt.
Now, Bill has the good sense to lie to me and tell me that everything is fine.
Reg has this stupid need to divulge everything.
What's wrong?
It's not even that big a deal.
Somebody posted some old footage of me from the '80s on YouTube.
It's causing a little bit of a stink...
internationally.
Like a sex tape?
No, no, that was already out there...
and I looked really good.
No, this was a puppet show.
When I first started out, I had my show on Charlotte Cable Access,
and I thought it would be fun to do a segment for the kids.
Okay, what's wrong with that?
Exactly, yes.
I... I loved puppets growing up.
My granddaddy was a performer in Vaudeville,
and so I wanted to do something with that same spirit of fun.
-Well, that sounds harmless. -Mmm.
So, I made up a character, Chitlin' Joe.
Chitlin' Joe?
And Watermelon Sam. Well...
Watermelon Sam was actually a real watermelon. [chuckling]
Joe was the hero of the show.
He was a lovable old rascal.
He was always trying to steal the pies off my windowsill. [chuckling]
[sighs] Okay.
I have a sense of what the problem is.
I am not prejudiced.
I give substantial donations to help inner city programs.
You know, I have countless black people in my employ,
both at the farm, in my kitchens.
Now, I think it's a crime the way people take things out of context.
Absolutely. Um... [inhales sharply]
I think it would be wise to continue this discussion back in our room.
But why? What's happening?
I don't know. I just have a weird feeling.
-All right, all right. Hang on. -Mmm-hmm.
[Black Cindy] Oh...
I'm sorry, I thought you was alone.
[scoffs] Suzanne,
it's better if we get her when there's no other white people around, remember?
Oh, you don't think that they... heard?
They think that I'm a...
-No, it was just a puppet show. -Let's go upstairs.
[Judy] Oh, Lord.
[speaking Spanish, laughs]
What are you doing? I thought you were studying for your GED.
I studied enough to get the picture.
What picture?
The picture that I'm getting out in two weeks
and the processing alone on that stupid test will be 12.
There's no point.
So, what? You're gonna give up?
Or you gonna go find yourself a drug dealer to shack up with?
'Cause that worked out so well the first time.
[sighs] Watch your mouth.
Cesar put food on that table and you had no problem eating it.
Yeah, you know, I'm an idiot for even feeling disappointed.
Of course you can't get the kids back. You don't even know how to try.
Try what?
How to pass their wack-ass tests?
Passing their stupid tests ain't gonna get the kids back, Daya!
They want to see money!
[sighs]
They tell you to get the GED like it's gonna change anything.
How's a GED gonna make me not a felon?
It shows you're making an effort.
Yeah, and I go from unemployable to unemployable with a pat on my back.
The GED only exists to make me feel like it's my fault when I fail,
when the game is fucking rigged.
Don't talk like that, man. You a mean ruthless bitch.
You gonna be just fine.
-Yeah, totally. -For sure.
Only now, you gotta be legally ruthless.
-How? -[Maritza] I don't know.
People do it all the time.
Yeah, maybe school just isn't your thing.
Steve Jobs didn't go to school.
He didn't need to because he knew all that computer shit.
Or his friend did and he knew how to sell his nerd friend.
So think.
What are you good at?
Nothing.
I never learned how to do shit.
-Hey, you got any gear? -No, bro.
[mumbling]
[Sankey] Come on, bring it to ten.
Push it! Are you a lion or a lamb?
-[Helen] Lion! -[all cheering]
-Yeah, bring it to 12, ladies. -[grunts]
[Piper] That's right!
Chapman!
-[Sankey] You're a warrior! -Hey.
Oh.
Your new friends are real keen on physical fitness, huh?
So that's good. Real good people, they seem like.
It's a temporary situation. Things are a little bit hot right now.
Oh, yeah, I heard all about it from Boo.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You messed with Ruiz?
I didn't have a choice. She was moving in on my territory.
Then don't have territory.
What's that thing Yoga Jones talks about when people come in?
-You know, using your time as a sand maze. -Mandala.
-That's right, a mandala, okay? -Yeah.
So don't die for mandalas of metaphorical sand.
Unless you're that confident your new friends here are gonna protect you.
[Angie] I'm a white lion! Like Aslan...
[grunting]
from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!
-[all cheering] -[laughing]
I didn't mean for it to get this bad.
But when you work so hard to get something going
and then somebody just tries to snatch it away from you,
what, am I just supposed to let her get away with that?
-Man... -I had people depending on me.
I have people depending on me for money.
[chuckles] I get it, you know.
I'm not exactly the poster child of excellent life choices myself.
I figured that she would get in trouble,
but I did not think that she was gonna get extra time.
That has never happened before.
How could I have known that was gonna happen?
All right. Okay, just calm down, you know.
I mean, just take a breath.
[crying] I just want you to know that this...
that this isn't what it looks like.
Of course not, but, uh, real talk.
Sometimes, what it looks like is all anybody can see.
Anyway, um, I'll see you at the party tomorrow.
Um, what party?
Oh, well, Lorna and Red are throwing me that thing in the common room.
Nobody told you about it?
I'm sure they were going to.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
[groans]
[sniffling]
What? Come on.
[sighs]
What?
Hey there, Judy. How you doin'?
-Hey... -[stutters]
I'm Cindy. I'm in your cooking class.
Oh, uh... Uh, hey! What do you want?
Uh, nothing, you know.
Um, I was thinking...
would you mind if I gave you a high five?
Uh, no, but what for?
You know, just for... for being awesome.
-Awesomeness. -[chuckles] Okay.
Like we're friends. Come on, please?
-Just a high five? All right? -All right. Here we go.
Up. Yeah! [squeals]
[Judy chuckles]
[laughing] Yeah!
Hmm.
-Now, what's going on? -Hmm?
-What do you really want? -Um, nothing.
-But can I get one more high five? -Oh, I--
No, I need to go.
[Black Cindy] Come on, Judy. Just one more high five.
-[Judy gasps] -One more!
Don't be cheap with the hand! I ain't got no cooties or nothin'!
Come on! Just one more!
-[Judy] No, no, no. No! -Nah?
I've caught her twice rummaging through the garbage.
And today I found her with this piece of aluminized hose.
-[Lolly sighs] -Federal property.
Yeah, I don't believe in property.
Well, that's probably why you're in prison.
No, I've never been arrested for theft.
Public vagrancy, disturbing the peace,
-nudity, solicitation. -[Healy sighs]
Oh, what's that one that you use when you really want to arrest somebody,
but you have no reason to arrest them?
Ah! Disorderly conduct.
[clicks tongue] Got my high score in that one, sir.
What were you planning to do with the hose, Lolly?
What hose?
This hose.
I never seen that hose before in my life.
And you know what?
I'm not gonna talk to either one of you until I get my lawyer present.
There was a lady like her on my block growing up.
She had maggots in her ears after clogging them with cheese
trying to keep the voices out.
Okay, that's insane. You cannot block out voices with cheese.
You know, I'll take care of her.
She's actually been doing a lot better lately.
-This is just a bad day, right, Lolly? -Just a bad day.
Kinda like those bad days that JFK and Kurt Cobain had
when you people assassinated them.
[inhales deeply] Keep a tighter leash on your pet nut...
or next time, I'm sending her to Psych.
[woman speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie]
[blowing raspberries]
What's going on? You were doing so well.
It's not like I'm trying to get in trouble.
People are after me.
What agency is it this time?
Oh, it doesn't matter what agency. They're all connected.
Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
Right.
[gasps]
It's like those... Magic Eye posters from the '90s...
where at first you think it's just, like, colored static.
But if you look, and you focus...
You've gotta have patience.
Then you see a unicorn.
[voice trembling] Or you'd see a dragon.
I've seen a lot of dragons, Mr. Healy.
And people are after you.
Yeah, and they're not trying to give me hugs.
Where's the evidence?
[voice breaking] I don't need no evidence.
[sniffles]
[sighs]
My life is my evidence.
[birds squawking]
[Rocky] Lolly, got any coffee?
[groaning] Comin'.
[Rocky] Lolly?
I'm comin'!
-[grunts] -[Rocky] I got a quarter.
[sighing]
[sniffling]
-I got a quarter. -Mmm-hmm.
I got a quarter.
Look, don't come knockin' on my door when I'm asleep.
You don't know, maybe I have a gentlemen caller.
You don't know.
Uh, sorry.
I didn't mean to bother you.
No, no, no, no. I'm, uh-- [sighs]
I'm fixing to make coffee right now.
No, I'm sorry I bothered you. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make you some coffee.
[cats meowing]
[voices echoing] Hairs in the water.
[laughing]
[woman] You can't filter out the poison.
[man] It's all contaminated with radiation, anyway.
[woman] It's making you sick.
-It's making everyone sick. -[jangling]
[voices echoing] You're sick. Sick. You're sick.
-Yeah, yeah. I heard it all before. -[droning rising]
[droning stops]
[birds chirping]
[objects rattling]
-Hey, Mac. -Hey, Lolly.
Want a cup of coffee?
Uh, yeah, but, uh, I don't have any money.
Oh, that's okay.
You just help me out if you see me spinning too wide on my axis, all right?
All right, deal.
-Hey, James. -How you doin'?
Want a cup of coffee?
[Lolly] Hi, little lady.
[gasps] Ooh!
-[indistinct chatter] -Hi, guys.
Yo! Thank you.
[voices echoing]
[jangling]
[Lolly] Hey, Rocky.
-[Rocky mumbling] -Rocky! Where'd you go, man?
I said I would make you coffee, you just had to wait for it.
-That's all. -[mumbling]
Rocky, what's the matter with you?
[Lolly] Right on our place?
No.
Mr. Caputo?
Mr. Caputo, it's about Judy King.
Is this about the ultra-offensive puppet show?
So you know about that?
Don't you think you should be taking some special precautions?
I'm not her babysitter.
Yes. But aren't you?
What do you want?
She needs special protection.
Fine.
What else?
Yes.
What else?
What's the matter, Nichols?
You hardly ate your mush and your other mush.
Ugh!
Uh, I don't know. I'm not so hungry.
Maybe I picked up a bug down the hill.
Or maybe you need some exercise.
You should come with me to Custodial.
We can take a little walk, get the blood moving.
No, thanks.
I cleaned up enough shit
swabbing the floors of the SHU down in the pits of Mordor.
Well, you're back in the Shire now.
Too bad your main Hobbit is off the market.
Hey!
-You mean it's true? -[Big Boo] Mmm-hmm.
You're actually married?
-What, you thought I was lying? -[Big Boo chuckles]
[laughing] Yeah.
I mean, obviously. It's you.
-Jesus. -[chuckling]
What am I gonna do for thrills?
Well...
Playboy's Vulcan of the month is single again.
-Not that she's screaming fun these days. -[sighs]
Okay, so let me get this straight. So you're married, all right?
Uh, Piper's a Nazi?
Mmm-hmm.
Boo has the BMI of a healthy human being. Congratulations.
[stutters] I feel like I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Just give me something to hold on to.
Tell you what...
Hold onto this and spin.
You know, I picked up a parasite at the lake.
Some tiny internal freeloader who's, like, stealing my food.
Just like Bette Midler!
-Can I borrow him? -Why?
Tired of sticking your toothbrush down your throat?
I don't know what she's talking about.
You know what?
I think you should come to Custodial with me.
It's more fun than it sounds.
And, actually,
Warren and I have been doing a little gumshoe detective work.
Happy your girl's back?
You don't realize there's a piece of you missing
until that piece comes back and immediately pokes fun at your dye job.
Aw!
Does this look risen to you?
No, because you keep opening the oven and letting the heat out.
I like to check on my food. That's when I put the love in.
There's no love in baking. It's about following instructions...
resisting the urge to poke.
-It's an exercise in trust. -Hmm.
Trust is not my strong suit.
Hey, Red.
I need you to start sending meals up to Judy King's room.
Why? She's too good to eat with the rest of us?
I don't have time to explain. It's for her own protection.
Now I have to know.
Just send the meals up, and make 'em tasty.
You're getting special use of the common room tonight.
That's a privilege not given lightly.
Oh, I didn't know you kept tabs on the day-to-day anymore.
I thought you were up in some ivory tower.
There's a good view from that tower.
Are you fucking kidding me?
When Burset needed protection, they sent her to the SHU.
And now Judy King gets special meals.
Where those eye drops at?
No, it's not worth it.
Not today.
Oh!
Looking at this sad, deflated cake hurts my soul.
I'll get more powdered eggs.
Thank you.
You remember when we had real eggs?
Remember when you wasted them doing your magic?
I thought it was a good idea at the time.
Judging by the wizened, gnarled, unique quality of the poop,
we know it's not a copy-cat pooper.
That leaves us with two suspects.
Number one, Warren's ex-girlfriend.
You know, the girl with the Cabbage Patch doll face
and the name, it sounds like a Phil Collins song?
-Kukudio? -Correct!
Now, she has a motive, but she also has a rock solid alibi.
She was at work at the time of the incidents.
Brings us to our second suspect, Angie.
Angie Rice, the meth head?
-Correct. -Uh-huh.
Witnesses have confirmed her at the scene of the crime
at least two out of three incidences.
Okay, well...
uh, it's her.
Case closed.
I mean, sure, she's a degenerate,
but is that really motive enough for such a heinous act?
Okay, you don't understand. The motive is drugs.
She's moving drugs down the Hershey highway. Check it out.
All right, she's probably got some guy that she's meeting at visitation,
and he kisses her all long and passionate,
but then instead of slipping her the tongue,
he's slipping her a packet, see?
And she has to swallow it because of the post-visitation strip-search
and double-ended "Say 'Ah's."
So, she goes and she poops it in the shower
where it's easier to pull the goodies out of the fuckin' Cracker Jack box,
'cause you don't want your shit getting lost in the toilet bowl.
A tale as old as time.
Oh, my God.
You just cracked the case.
Just like that.
To understand a degenerate,
you have to enter the mind of a degenerate.
Fortunately, I have years of experience.
It is so, so good to have you back.
[woman speaking indistinctly on TV]
So, you got the picture?
[chuckles] Come into the circle.
[Taystee] What is this?
You look like you about to kill the bitch.
Yes, but on the positive, excellent focus, excellent resolution.
Thank you, thank you.
And, and it tells a story.
[sighs] You really want a picture out there
that looks like you about to beat down Judy King?
I mean, you're right, it probably would make my mama cry.
But if it ends up in a magazine, I'm cool with it.
[news anchor] Judy King, already serving time...
[gasps] Check it out, puppets!
Footage surfaced on YouTube earlier this week
of the culinary celeb performing a puppet show
many are calling racist and offensive.
Dagnammit, Chitlin' Joe, you give me back my cherry pie.
Oh, I swear it wasn't me, missus.
[softly] Hell, no.
[Chitlin' Joe] It was Watermelon Sam who took it.
Were you two working together?
No, he took the pie, he ate your pie,
and then I ate him.
Because I loves me some watermelon. Whoo-whee!
Oh, no, you ate Watermelon Sam?
-[Chitlin' Joe] Oh, he don't mind. -[clicks tongue] Mmm-mmm. Mmm.
In facts, I did him a favor.
I spit out his seeds on Mayor Harrison's yard.
He always did wanna live on the nice part of town.
I don't think I like this puppet show.
You know, I think my mom would totally be fine seeing me beat down Judy King.
Okay...
maybe we are telling the right story.
Whoops! I'm out of juice.
Y'all know anyone around here with a charger?
[knocking on door]
Is it official?
-I don't buy sparkling wine for losers. -Yes!
Your education initiative was approved by the board nine-to-one.
♪ This is how we do what we do ♪
-This is incredible. -[chuckles]
You are incredible.
You are the one that made it happen.
-Is this it? -Mmm-hmm.
Look, it even has your name on it. [chuckles]
I thought you'd get a kick out of that.
You are the first person in the history of this company
who has managed to sell education as a means of control.
-Glasses? -In the cabinet.
It's not just a means of control.
If you don't invest in education now, you end up paying for it in the long run.
Absolutely.
-[sighs] Is this the course catalog? -Mmm-hmm.
[Caputo chuckles]
Where's the math and science and...
Oh, um... uh, we switched it out with basic carpentry and plumbing.
We agreed on more vocational classes, remember?
[stutters] But you took out every core class.
[cork pops]
There's no English, there's no History, there...
There's not even an arts class. I...
"Concrete 101"?
"Foundation Pouring"? What is that?
None of this is in my original proposal.
Well, I told you that there would be some adjustments.
It's all construction.
It's a chain gang.
No. No, it is a school, technically.
We need to emphasize the school part, otherwise...
we have to pay them their 11 cents an hour. Right? [chuckling]
Joe.
Hey, I know this isn't exactly what you envisioned,
but it's a victory to get any project off the ground.
You shoot for the moon, you land somewhere in the stars, right?
[sighs]
Kippis!
That's "cheers" in Finnish. Isn't that fun to say out of your mouth?
Timo Lindman on the board is Finnish.
[Nicky] This is amazing. Thank you.
I can't take all the credit.
Mendoza helped a little.
I would have made more of a spread,
but they have me up at 3:30 in the morning these days.
[Nicky] Yikes! Well, maybe you should go to bed.
I don't understand how you're still upright.
I'm Russian.
And back in Russia, where I come from,
when we see a friend we haven't seen for a long time,
we make them eat and drink until they can't move.
You better get ready to eat a whole cake yourself.
In a bit, all right? I'm sorry, I'm just not hungry yet.
All right.
Maybe some music, huh? Gina?
[Gina] Uh, yeah, I need a minute.
[Red] I thought you said you tested that thing!
I... I did. It worked an hour ago.
[Lorna] Yeah, turn up the music. [Big Boo] Music?
Heck, yeah!
Come on, Gina, I got my dancing shoes on.
I can help. Look, I, you know, build my own custom guitar pedals,
so I love a project like this.
Look, I don't need your help, I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, but it's not working, so let me just help you out a little bit.
-Did you plug it in? -Yes, Grandma, I plugged it in.
Will you guys just... give me some space.
Just started in electrical and she thinks she can make a homemade speaker.
Your harsh Russian accent is music enough for me.
-Aw! -[chuckles]
Hey, Drones, how's tricks?
Do I know you?
Yesterday in the hallway with the, uh...
Yeah, of course, yeah! I-- [blows raspberries] Yeah.
Welcome back, Nichols.
[chuckles softly]
Come on, let's take a seat.
This is great.
Getting out, being part of the community.
No, no, I shouldn't be here. Nobody wants me here.
Will you stop that? That's not true.
-Let me get you a piece of cake, okay? -[exhales]
Thanks for reserving the room, Sam.
Welcome my friend Lolly over here.
I know Lolly. We garden together.
Welcome, Lolly! Enjoy some cake with us, huh?
[woman 1] These are not your friends.
[man 1] These are not your friends.
[man 2] The whole prison's been compromised.
Compromised.
[woman 1] She has an earpiece. You can see it.
[woman 2] Look! Look at them! They're all in it together.
[breathing rapidly]
[whining]
[panting]
Good, beautiful morning, guys.
How you doing? Good? I bet you're good. Yep, yep.
Yep. Gentrified.
Ooh, you got green spaghetti. What are they gonna think of next?
[grunting]
Hey, sweetie, can you give me a hand for a second?
I don't have any money, sorry.
I didn't ask you for any money.
Hey, there, how's it going? You know it's illegal to panhandle here?
I'm not panhandling.
I sell coffee.
Yeah, and do you have a license for that?
It's not, like, a serious business, okay?
I live in this neighborhood.
I used to stay over in that big lot next to Thomas Street.
All right, I've had a complaint. You're gonna have to move along.
Okay, that's fine, but I have a broken wheel.
[woman 1] I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lolly! These are not real police.
Ma'am, you have to go.
Where would you like me to go?
You can go anywhere you want, just not here.
[woman 1] They work for the syndicate.
The syndicate works for Starbucks, and Starbucks wants you dead.
-[woman 2] You'll get what you deserve. -No, shut up!
-[officer] Ma'am. -Shut up!
-Lower your voice.
Watch out, she's got her own weapon.
-[Lolly screams] -Drop it!
You get off me! Get off me!
[officer] Cycle Patrol Unit Two to CU.
-Female suspect down... -[Lolly screams] I'm an innocent woman!
Send female unit for transport to precinct.
-Suspect's aggressive, resisting arrest. -I am an American journalist!
Possible intoxication, possible psychotic.
They're trying to kill me!
Is this where you got Judy King?
Go ahead.
[Aleida] Now I know.
This is how the other half lives?
Oh, is that supper?
Thank goodness, I thought you all had forgotten about me up here.
Sorry, I got lost in the woods on my way to your magical pleasure dome.
I'm surprised you ain't got your own private chef.
You already got your own private yoga instructor.
Or is she your food taster?
It's not that wonderful.
We're very isolated up here.
Is that homemade seltzer?
Maybe.
What exactly is going on here?
How come you have your own special meals being delivered?
[sighs] That is a long story.
And I would much rather talk about your gorgeous nails.
May I?
Well, I love those. Now, who did 'em for ya?
Nobody. I do 'em myself. Always have.
Well, you obviously know what you are doing.
Those contrast tips are perfect.
Here you go.
-What's this? -Stamps.
A tip.
I was told they're used as currency.
Can I have some of them cookies, too?
Well, sure. Uh, please, help yourself. [chuckles]
This is all right with you, isn't it? I mean...
you're not really into material stuff, right?
Of course not. Go ahead.
How much would you pay for nails like these?
-On the outside. -Oh, a nice job like that?
Well... 25, 30. Forty or 50 for gels.
Even more for acrylics.
That's about the price I figured.
I just wanted to double check.
I'm gonna start my own business when I get out. A nail business.
A salon?
Yeah, a salon.
-Huh. -A nail salon.
Why do we have a seltzer machine?
I told Caputo you needed one.
Didn't you say that?
No, I don't think so.
Funny. I thought you did.
Yo, Chapman, what're you doing walking alone?
Just heading to the common room. It's all right.
There'll be lots of people there.
Still, apes swing.
I wanted to talk to you about maybe expanding our turf.
"Our turf"?
Yeah, I mean, it's not fair the Dominicans get the shaded area in the yard.
We're the ones low in melanin.
I thought the whole point of our things was to break up gangs.
If we're talking about turf, we're a gang,
you're a gang, we're all gangbangers.
Whatever.
The task force was a good start, but it's time to up our game.
You gotta do what you gotta do to survive in this motherfucker.
You might be right...
but I also need to survive with myself when I get out of here.
What does that mean?
Do you ever think that by demonizing large groups of people,
we're actually making this place more dangerous?
-We're sisters. -Hmm.
We have to look out for each other. This place is dangerous.
I'll see you later.
Disrespect.
Nah, she doesn't know what she's saying. It's the white shame again.
I wish she could learn to love herself.
I don't know, must be a loose wire or something.
I don't need gloves, it's totally safe.
That was a fluke, Norma.
Look, I... I can't live my life in fear. Don't impose it on me.
[music playing]
[inmates cheering]
Oh, no, what're they doing here?
It's the common room.
Now, you can't keep out the commoners.
Well, we don't have to give 'em cake.
Dirty shower pooper.
Nicky, I heard you worked cleaning cells in Max.
Any chance you saw Sophia?
Yeah, I saw her.
Yeah, and?
And I don't know what to say, all right?
There was a shitload of blood. They had to take her to medical.
Oh, my God.
Look, sometimes people feel like fighting, so they punch the walls.
That would be the best case scenario, based on what I saw.
She might've cut herself.
Okay, come on. Come dance with me.
Just give me one second, all right? I'll be right back.
Best case?
Crystal has to know what's happening.
[Nicky] Hey!
Whitehill.
Lolly.
Did you see that?
Lolly's acting really weird.
The weirder she acts, the less anyone takes her seriously.
-I'm with my family tonight. -[sighs]
All right.
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Exactly.
[Nicky speaking indistinctly]
[sniffs]
Oh, wow, this is great.
Does Piscatella know about this?
-Why, you gonna rat us all out? -No.
Here you go, my dear. Grape Kool-Aid.
Uh-huh. Is there any alcohol in that?
Would you like a taste test?
Or will the task force be by later to take a urine sample?
I'm not the enemy, Boo.
I'm your friend.
Oh, Labor and Capital can never really be friends.
More like fuck buddies.
Let's go.
[chuckles]
-Hey, Vause. -Hey. Um...
Sorry, I'm leaving.
-That's cool. I'll just... -Yeah.
...party by myself.
Lolly.
I know you're down here.
I saw you come down.
[Lolly] I'm over here.
[faint knock]
In the time machine.
Well, it's a work-in-progress.
I'm still experimenting with the power source.
So this is why you've been collecting materials.
So you see now why I kept it secret from you, right?
I didn't want you implicated.
'Cause then you would be a target, too.
I mean, unless you still don't think
that I'm important enough to be a target of an international conspiracy.
Move over.
[sighs] Okay.
Let's assume for a second that there is a conspiracy against you.
Why go back in time?
Because, if I can go back in time,
I can stop Jimmy Carter from starting FEMA.
Lolly...
everyone wants to go back in time sometimes.
To go back to the moment when everything was still possible,
before they made a wrong turn, so that they could go on the right path.
But it's not possible.
All we can do is make the most of right now.
Okay, I tried that.
[stuttering] But traveling back in time just seemed more,
you know, feasible.
I don't have no moment when everything went wrong.
Unless it was that moment I was born with that sickness in me.
[sighs] You're probably right.
[sighs deeply]
I was just probably desperate.
[sniffles]
Man, this sounded better when we talked about it earlier.
When we talked about it?
[laughing]
-Okay, me and the... -Oh.
[both laughing]
Hey, I know they're not real,
but it don't mean that they don't have nothing to say.
[sighs] Sometimes that shit is scary.
Especially when that little girl starts whispering.
Okay, but sometimes...
you know, they make these convincing arguments.
So, if they think that it's plausible
that we could go back in time and save America...
then I gotta honor that.
Plus, I read this romance novel, and it was about time travel,
and I really dug the science of that.
Plus, I got that potato.
[whispering] Mr. Healy?
Hmm?
Are you travelin' in time?
No. No, I was just, uh...
I spent a lot of time in boxes as a kid.
They were forts, really.
Forts.
You could stay down here as long as you want.
Maybe a few more minutes.
Then we'll go.
[softly] Okay.
Okay.
What I don't understand is, I step up to the plate for everybody.
It's not like I want credit.
But I take care of business.
And suddenly, everybody's acting like I'm some kind of a monster.
I'm sorry, I really need to focus on DJing.
Aren't you just playing a playlist off your iPod?
How do you even have an iPod?
[Hapakuka] Hey, Chapman.
Hey.
Where are your new friends?
It's not really working out.
You're not scared of Maria?
No, I'm scared, but I'm pretending that this Kool-Aid has alcohol in it,
and that kinda helps.
I owe you an apology.
I have not been cool to you since you got here.
-No, you haven't. -I'm wondering...
may I please have a do-over?
I don't know.
I... I've been thinking about it, but...
the thing is... [stammers]
I'm sorry, uh, can we talk outside? It's a little loud.
Sure.
-Yeah. -Sure.
The thing is, Chapman...
I was turned off by you the moment I met you.
But I was alone and scared, so I made an alliance with you, and...
I mean, you didn't even respect that alliance.
I know.
And I have no excuse except that I was scared, too.
Yeah.
But I get it now, and actually, you were right.
I was right about what?
Right about being pragmatic.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
[Piper gasps]
I'm sorry I can't help you...
but I'm rooting for you, too.
[muffled screaming]
[all straining]
-[Blanca] Come on. -[muffled grunting]
[screams]
[screaming]
-[shushing] -[groaning]
[pop music playing]
[crying]
When you're in a gang, you get this label put on you.
And thanks to what you pulled,
I've been marked by Admin as this big, bad gang girl, you see?
So I'm done.
But I've been thinking.
You gangster, too, Chapman.
Oh, you're hella gangster, right?
-[Piper wailing] -So where's your label, huh?
[pop music continues]
[sobbing loudly]
[pop music continues]
Hold tight. Don't let her move.
If you move, it'll get messed up.
Make sure it isn't backwards or it's, like, a whole different thing.
-[sizzling] -[screaming]
[sobbing]
[pop music playing]