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Previously on The Big Bang Theory...
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I am going to the Arctic Circle
with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.
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- For three months?
- Yes.
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What did you mean when you said
you were going to miss me?
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It means I wish you weren't going.
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Thank God we're home.
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I can't believe we spent three months
in that frozen hell.
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It was like a snowy nightmare
from which there was no awakening.
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I don't know what Arctic expedition
you guys were on,
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but I thought it was
a hoot and a half.
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Hi, Mom.
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I told you I'd call you when I got home.
I'm not home yet.
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All right, I'm home.
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The Arctic expedition
was a remarkable success.
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I'm all but certain
there's a Nobel Prize in my future.
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Actually, I shouldn't say that.
I'm entirely certain.
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No, Mother, I could not feel
your church group praying for my safety.
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The fact that I'm home safe
doesn't prove it worked.
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That logic is post hoc
ergo propter hoc.
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No, I'm not sassing you
in Eskimo talk.
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I'm gonna let Penny know we're back.
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Mother, I have to go.
Love you. Bye.
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Hello, old friend.
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Daddy's home.
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Leonard, you're back.
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I just stopped by to say...
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So, hi.
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Damn it, I should have gone over
and told her we were back.
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Yeah, it was
first-come, first-serve.
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Episode 301:
The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation
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Sync: Jess, Golgi, Loky34
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www.subbercafe.fr
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I just want you both to know,
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when I publish my findings,
I won't forget your contributions.
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- Great.
- Thanks.
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Of course, I can't mention you
in my Nobel acceptance speech,
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but when I get around
to writing my memoirs,
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you can expect a very effusive footnote
and perhaps a signed copy.
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We have to tell him.
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Tell me what?
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Damn his Vulcan hearing.
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You fellows are planning a party
for me, aren't you?
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Okay, Sheldon, sit down.
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If there's going to be a theme,
I should let you know
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that I don't care for luau, toga
or "under the sea."
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Yeah, we'll keep that in mind.
Look...
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We need to talk to you about something
that happened at the North Pole.
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If this is about the night
the heat went out,
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there's nothing to be
embarrassed about.
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- It's not about that.
- We agreed to never speak of it again.
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So we slept together naked.
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It was only to keep our core body
temperatures from plummeting.
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He's speaking about it.
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For me, it was a bonding moment.
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Sheldon, you remember
the first few weeks
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we were looking
for magnetic monopoles
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and not finding anything
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and you were acting
like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
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We were gonna be gentle with him.
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That's why I added the "tator."
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And when we finally
got our first positive data,
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you were so happy.
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In the world of emoticons,
I was colon, capital "D."
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Well, in actuality,
what your equipment detected
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wasn't so much evidence
of paradigm-shifting monopoles
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as it was...
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static from the electric can opener
we were turning on and off.
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He just went colon, capital "O."
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- You tampered with my experiment?
- We had to.
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It was the only way to keep you
from being such a huge Dickensian.
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You see that? I add the "ensian. "
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Did Leonard know about this?
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Leonard's my best friend in the world.
Surely Leonard didn't know.
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It was his idea.
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Of course it was.
The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
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- I missed you so much.
- I missed you, too.
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I couldn't think of anyone else
while you were gone.
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Me, neither.
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Except for one night
when the heat went out.
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Long story. Don't ask.
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Do not make a sound.
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Whispering,
"Do not make a sound... "
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is a sound.
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Damn his Vulcan hearing.
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Not a good time, Sheldon.
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Oh, this is ridiculous.
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- What?
- Hello.
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I realize you're currently at the mercy
of your primitive biological urges,
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but as you have an entire lifetime
of poor decisions ahead of you,
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may I interrupt this one?
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It's great to see you too.
Come on in.
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Wolowitz has informed me
of your grand deception.
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Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
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Yes, I feel terrible about it.
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I will never forgive myself,
I don't expect you to, either,
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and I would really appreciate it
if you would leave me with Penny
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for a session of self-criticism
and repentance.
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Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?
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What's going on is
I was led to believe
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I was making
groundbreaking strides in science,
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when in fact, I was being
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fed false data at the hands
of Wolowitz, Koothrappali
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and your furry little boy toy.
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Is that true?
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It was the only way
to make him happy.
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Make him happy?
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When he wasn't happy,
we wanted to kill him.
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There was even a plan.
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We were going to throw
his Kindle outside,
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when he went to get it, lock the door
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and let him freeze to death.
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That seems like a bit
of an overreaction.
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The overreaction
was the plan to tie your limbs
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to four different sled dog teams
and yell, "Mush. "
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We kept the original data.
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You can still publish
the actual results.
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Yes, but the actual results
are unsuccessful
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and I've already sent an e-mail
to everyone at the university
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explaining that I have
confirmed string theory
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and forever changed
man's understanding of the universe.
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Aw, see, yeah, you probably
shouldn't have done that.
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So write another e-mail.
Set the record straight. No big deal.
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You're right, Leonard.
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It's not a big deal.
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All you did was lie to me,
destroy my dream
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and humiliate me
in front of the whole university.
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That, FYI, was sarcasm.
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I, in fact,
believe it is a big deal.
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The poor thing.
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- Yeah, I feel terrible.
- Wait. Wait.
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Aren't you going to go talk to him?
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He'll be fine. The guy's a trouper.
Come here.
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You're right, you shouldn't talk to him.
I will.
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Man, I cannot catch a break.
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Do you want to talk?
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About what?
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Being betrayed by my friends?
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Spending three months
at the North Pole for nothing?
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And I didn't even get
to go to Comic-Con!
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Oh, hon...
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Soft kitty, warm kitty
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That's for when I'm sick.
Sad is not sick.
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Sorry.
I don't know your sad song.
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I don't have a sad song.
I'm not a child.
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You know, I do understand
what you're going through.
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Really?
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Did you just have the Nobel Prize
in waitressing stolen from you?
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Well, no, but when I was a senior
in high school,
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one of my friends heard
I was gonna be named head cheerleader.
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I was so excited.
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My mom even made me
a celebration pie.
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Then they named stupid
Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader.
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Big ol' slutbag.
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Are you saying
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that you think a "celebration pie"
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is even remotely
comparable to a Nobel Prize?
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They're pretty tasty.
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And on a different,
but not unrelated topic,
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based on your current efforts
to buoy my spirits,
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do you truly believe
that you were ever fit
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to be a cheerleader?
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Look, Sheldon, I just don't think
that the guys and Leonard
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really meant to hurt you.
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They just told an unfortunate lie
to deal with a difficult situation.
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You know what it's like?
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Remember that scene in the new Star Trek
when Kirk has to take over the ship,
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00:10:00,438 --> 00:10:02,562
so he tells Spock all that stuff
he knew wasn't true,
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like saying
Spock didn't care his mom died?
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00:10:06,563 --> 00:10:08,732
I missed Comic-Con
and the New Star Trek movie!
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- I like the new look.
- Thanks.
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I call it "the Clooney."
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00:10:22,815 --> 00:10:25,415
I call it "the Mario and Luigi,"
but whatever.
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How's Sheldon doing?
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00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:31,930
He came out of his room this morning
wearing his Darth Vader helmet
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and tried to choke me to death
with the force,
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so I'd say, "a little better."
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If I may abruptly change the subject,
did you and Penny finally... You know.
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Personally, I don't care,
but my genitals wanted me to ask.
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Tell your genitals what I do with Penny
is none of their business.
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He says they didn't do it.
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Sheldon, over here.
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What are you doing?
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00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:14,401
I feel bad for the guy.
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00:11:17,846 --> 00:11:19,803
Sheldon, why are you
sitting by yourself?
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Because I am without friends.
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Like the proverbial cheese,
I stand alone.
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Even while seated.
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Come on. We said we were sorry.
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It's going to take more
than an "I'm sorry"
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and a store-bought
apology pie from Penny
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00:11:33,282 --> 00:11:35,485
to make up
for what you've done to me.
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00:11:36,782 --> 00:11:38,204
Read your retraction email.
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Way to destroy your reputation.
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00:11:41,653 --> 00:11:42,462
You see?
195
00:11:42,587 --> 00:11:45,162
People have been pointing
and laughing at me all morning.
196
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,630
That's not true.
197
00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:49,541
People have been pointing
and laughing at you your whole life.
198
00:11:50,255 --> 00:11:51,460
I've had enough.
199
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:52,836
Attention, everyone.
200
00:11:53,095 --> 00:11:54,671
I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
201
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,408
As many of you
in the physics department might know,
202
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,974
my career trajectory
has taken a minor detour.
203
00:12:00,099 --> 00:12:01,199
Off a cliff.
204
00:12:03,516 --> 00:12:05,312
My credibility
may have been damaged...
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00:12:05,437 --> 00:12:06,525
Completely wrecked.
206
00:12:06,650 --> 00:12:09,669
But I would like to remind you
that in science,
207
00:12:09,794 --> 00:12:11,313
there's no such thing as failure.
208
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,023
There once was a man
209
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,932
who referred to his prediction
of a cosmological constant
210
00:12:16,057 --> 00:12:18,725
as the single "biggest blunder"
of his career.
211
00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:21,698
That man's name was...
surprise, surprise...
212
00:12:21,996 --> 00:12:23,033
Albert Einstein.
213
00:12:24,974 --> 00:12:26,876
Yeah, but research into dark energy
214
00:12:27,001 --> 00:12:28,850
proved that Einstein's
cosmological constant
215
00:12:28,975 --> 00:12:31,596
was actually right all along,
so you're still...
216
00:12:31,721 --> 00:12:33,213
surprise, surprise...
217
00:12:33,338 --> 00:12:34,338
A loser.
218
00:12:37,597 --> 00:12:39,223
You think you're so clever.
219
00:12:39,348 --> 00:12:40,463
Let me just tell you,
220
00:12:40,588 --> 00:12:42,817
while I do not currently
have a scathing retort,
221
00:12:42,942 --> 00:12:45,499
you check your e-mail
periodically for a doozy.
222
00:12:50,722 --> 00:12:53,063
So much for our friendship
with Sheldon.
223
00:12:54,711 --> 00:12:56,900
We'll always have the night
the heat went out.
224
00:13:05,298 --> 00:13:07,177
Since we got interrupted last night,
225
00:13:07,302 --> 00:13:09,246
I didn't have a chance
to give you this.
226
00:13:10,526 --> 00:13:11,976
You shouldn't have.
227
00:13:14,348 --> 00:13:15,348
Oh, boy!
228
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:18,650
What is it?
229
00:13:19,488 --> 00:13:20,838
It's a snowflake.
230
00:13:20,986 --> 00:13:22,259
From the North Pole.
231
00:13:23,546 --> 00:13:24,846
Are you serious?
232
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,687
It's eternal.
233
00:13:26,812 --> 00:13:29,852
I preserved it in a one percent solution
of polyvinyl acetal resin.
234
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,339
That's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me
235
00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:38,929
that I didn't understand.
236
00:13:40,429 --> 00:13:42,093
It's actually a simple process.
237
00:13:42,218 --> 00:13:45,154
Cyanoacrylates are monomers
which polymerize on...
238
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,204
Red alert, Leonard.
Sheldon ran away.
239
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,944
Man, I cannot catch a break.
240
00:13:54,509 --> 00:13:56,168
So, how do you know he ran away?
241
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,994
Well, he's not answering his phone,
242
00:13:58,119 --> 00:14:00,294
he handed in his
resignation at the university
243
00:14:00,419 --> 00:14:03,467
and he sent me a text
that said, "I'm running away."
244
00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:05,869
Thanks for letting me know.
245
00:14:05,994 --> 00:14:07,762
Aren't you going to do something?
246
00:14:08,402 --> 00:14:10,807
Of course I'm going to do something.
247
00:14:11,558 --> 00:14:14,433
Howard, you check the comic book store.
Raj, go to the thai restaurant.
248
00:14:14,558 --> 00:14:16,726
I'll stay here with Penny
in her apartment.
249
00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:19,721
Oh, damn it.
250
00:14:20,705 --> 00:14:22,110
It's Sheldon's mother.
251
00:14:22,379 --> 00:14:24,129
A break cannot be caught.
252
00:14:25,285 --> 00:14:26,406
Hi, Mrs. Cooper.
253
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,640
He is?
Sheldon went home to Texas.
254
00:14:31,159 --> 00:14:33,109
Yeah, no, I know he resigned.
255
00:14:35,028 --> 00:14:37,128
I guess it kind of is our fault.
256
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,825
No, you're right.
Someone needs to come talk to him.
257
00:14:40,950 --> 00:14:42,794
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
258
00:14:43,749 --> 00:14:44,749
All right.
259
00:14:46,116 --> 00:14:47,116
New plan.
260
00:14:47,248 --> 00:14:50,523
Howard, you and Raj go to Texas.
I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.
261
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:53,099
You're not gonna go with them?
262
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,782
Well, you know,
I gave you the snowflake
263
00:14:55,907 --> 00:14:57,181
and we were kissing and...
264
00:14:57,306 --> 00:14:59,272
Come on,
I don't want to go to Texas!
265
00:15:00,502 --> 00:15:03,202
Oh, right, and I do?
My people already crossed a desert once.
266
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:04,377
We're done.
267
00:15:08,219 --> 00:15:09,741
Trust me, you'll be fine. See ya.
268
00:15:10,348 --> 00:15:11,737
Well, wait a second, Leonard.
269
00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:14,166
Come on, how can you not go?
He's your best friend.
270
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:16,686
Yeah, but I already saw him naked.
Just come here.
271
00:15:17,936 --> 00:15:20,186
I promise I will be here
when you get back.
272
00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:21,795
Just go help Sheldon.
273
00:15:22,687 --> 00:15:23,750
- Really?
- Yeah.
274
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:26,445
We waited a few months.
We can wait a few more days.
275
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,700
Maybe you can.
276
00:15:35,215 --> 00:15:36,215
Go.
277
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:40,960
Boy, you cannot
catch a break, can you?
278
00:15:44,657 --> 00:15:46,157
Here you go, Shelly.
279
00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:47,681
Thanks, Mom.
280
00:15:50,051 --> 00:15:51,685
Hold your horses, young man.
281
00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:53,743
Here in Texas,
we pray before we eat.
282
00:15:53,982 --> 00:15:54,982
Aw, Mom.
283
00:15:55,107 --> 00:15:57,857
This is not California,
land of the heathen.
284
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,625
Gimme.
285
00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:07,109
By His hand we are all...
286
00:16:08,375 --> 00:16:09,375
... fed.
287
00:16:09,578 --> 00:16:11,367
Give us, Lord, our daily...
288
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:13,123
... bread.
289
00:16:13,328 --> 00:16:15,654
- Please know that we are truly...
- ... grateful.
290
00:16:15,779 --> 00:16:18,413
- For every cup and every...
- ... plateful.
291
00:16:22,844 --> 00:16:24,691
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
292
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,091
My objection was based
on considerations
293
00:16:27,216 --> 00:16:28,816
other than difficulty.
294
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,666
Whatever.
Jesus still loves you.
295
00:16:34,878 --> 00:16:37,478
Thank you for carving a smiley face
in my grilled cheese sandwich.
296
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:39,589
Oh, I know
how to take care of my baby.
297
00:16:40,569 --> 00:16:43,622
His eyes came out a little thin,
but you can just pretend he's Chinese.
298
00:16:48,902 --> 00:16:50,841
So, do you want to talk about
299
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:53,553
what happened with you
and your little friends?
300
00:16:54,232 --> 00:16:56,473
- They're not my friends.
- All right.
301
00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:01,210
If you recall, when you were little,
302
00:17:01,335 --> 00:17:03,229
we sat right here at this very spot
303
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,878
and we talked about the problems
304
00:17:05,003 --> 00:17:07,275
you had getting along
with the neighbor kids.
305
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,527
That was different.
306
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:10,307
They were threatened
by my intelligence
307
00:17:10,432 --> 00:17:12,985
and too stupid to know
that's why they hated me.
308
00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:18,294
Oh baby, they knew very well
why they hated you.
309
00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:32,550
I can't believe
you bought a red cowboy hat.
310
00:17:32,939 --> 00:17:35,175
Hello?
I'm wearing a red turtleneck.
311
00:17:40,117 --> 00:17:42,040
Plus, it was the only boys' large
they had.
312
00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:46,619
I'm sorry,
this does not look like Texas.
313
00:17:46,744 --> 00:17:48,901
Where's the tumbleweeds?
Whe's the saloons?
314
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,026
Saloons?
315
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,011
Like in the movies
I saw growing up in India.
316
00:17:52,136 --> 00:17:55,014
You know, Four for Texas,
Yellow Rose of Texas.
317
00:17:55,272 --> 00:17:58,465
This neighborhood is more
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
318
00:18:00,109 --> 00:18:02,163
I was really hoping
to see a cattle drive.
319
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,455
What can I tell you?
320
00:18:03,869 --> 00:18:06,789
They probably have steaks on sale
at that big-ass Costco over there.
321
00:18:16,611 --> 00:18:18,766
Will you please
take that stupid hat off?
322
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,640
No, I want to blend in.
323
00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:24,215
To what? Toy Story?
324
00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:29,149
- Hi, boys.
- Howdy, ma'am.
325
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,601
Howdy to you, too.
You got here quick.
326
00:18:31,726 --> 00:18:33,653
- We took the red-eye.
- Well, come on in.
327
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,171
Thank you kindly.
328
00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:38,507
- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thank you.
329
00:18:38,632 --> 00:18:41,999
If y'all don't mind,
I got a hankerin' for a Lone Star beer.
330
00:18:44,288 --> 00:18:47,580
There's no alcohol in this household.
Stop talking like that and lose the hat.
331
00:18:50,468 --> 00:18:52,854
Sorry. I'll take a diet Yoo-Hoo
if you have it.
332
00:18:54,651 --> 00:18:56,101
You'll take a cola.
333
00:18:57,072 --> 00:18:59,053
What about you?
Radge, isn't it?
334
00:18:59,582 --> 00:19:01,761
You still having trouble
talking to the ladies?
335
00:19:02,649 --> 00:19:03,962
Because, at our church,
336
00:19:04,087 --> 00:19:06,306
we have a woman
who's an amazing healer.
337
00:19:06,557 --> 00:19:09,132
Mostly she does
crutch and wheelchair people,
338
00:19:09,614 --> 00:19:12,105
but I bet she'd be willing
to take a shot
339
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:15,278
at whatever Third World demon
is running around inside of you.
340
00:19:17,747 --> 00:19:18,773
If you don't mind,
341
00:19:18,898 --> 00:19:20,959
there's a 3:05 nonstop
back to Los Angeles
342
00:19:21,084 --> 00:19:23,703
and you have no idea
how much I want to be on it.
343
00:19:24,495 --> 00:19:26,661
- A girl?
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
344
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,485
Oh, good.
I been praying for you.
345
00:19:34,725 --> 00:19:36,949
- What are they doing here?
- We came to apologize.
346
00:19:37,074 --> 00:19:38,662
- Again.
- And bring you home.
347
00:19:38,787 --> 00:19:40,886
Why don't you pack up your stuff
and we'll head back?
348
00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:44,242
No, this is my home now.
349
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,619
Thanks to you, my career is over
350
00:19:46,744 --> 00:19:48,976
and I will spend
the rest of my life here in Texas
351
00:19:49,101 --> 00:19:51,192
trying to teach evolution
to creationists.
352
00:19:55,225 --> 00:19:56,820
You watch your mouth, Shelly.
353
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,739
Everyone's entitled
to their opinion.
354
00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:02,408
Evolution isn't an opinion,
it's fact.
355
00:20:02,663 --> 00:20:05,064
And that is your opinion.
356
00:20:08,787 --> 00:20:10,701
I forgive you.
Let's go home.
357
00:20:15,643 --> 00:20:17,581
Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
358
00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:26,983
How about that?
I finally caught a break.
359
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,539
You know how they say
when friends have sex,
360
00:20:35,664 --> 00:20:37,014
it can get weird?
361
00:20:37,348 --> 00:20:38,348
Sure.
362
00:20:39,785 --> 00:20:41,785
Why does it have to get weird?
363
00:20:42,538 --> 00:20:43,688
I don't know.
364
00:20:44,412 --> 00:20:45,412
I mean,
365
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,890
we were friends,
and now we're more than friends.
366
00:20:49,474 --> 00:20:51,224
We're whatever "this" is.
367
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,734
But why label it, right?
I mean...
368
00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:55,973
It is what it is and...
369
00:20:56,098 --> 00:20:58,298
- Leonard? It's weird.
- Totally.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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