1
00:00:02,191 --> 00:00:04,411
Okay in Avatar when
they gave sex in Pandora
2
00:00:04,691 --> 00:00:07,126
they hook up their ponytails,
so we know their ponytails
3
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,862
are like their junk.
4
00:00:09,896 --> 00:00:11,497
Yeah... so?
5
00:00:11,531 --> 00:00:13,665
So, when they ride horses
and fly on the birds,
6
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,034
they also use their ponytails.
7
00:00:15,068 --> 00:00:16,235
What's your point?
8
00:00:16,269 --> 00:00:18,637
My point is,
if I were a horse or a bird,
9
00:00:18,671 --> 00:00:20,873
I'd be very nervous
around James Cameron.
10
00:00:22,008 --> 00:00:24,676
It amazes me
how you constantly obsess
11
00:00:24,711 --> 00:00:26,145
over fictional details
12
00:00:26,179 --> 00:00:27,746
when there
are more important things
13
00:00:27,781 --> 00:00:29,114
in the real world
to worry about.
14
00:00:29,149 --> 00:00:30,382
For example,
why wasn't William Shatner
15
00:00:30,417 --> 00:00:32,684
in the new Star Trek movie?
16
00:00:33,586 --> 00:00:34,586
Hey, Sheldon.
17
00:00:34,621 --> 00:00:36,055
I was up in the
administration office,
18
00:00:36,089 --> 00:00:37,423
and I happened
to overhear
19
00:00:37,457 --> 00:00:38,757
the name of the winner
20
00:00:38,792 --> 00:00:41,126
of this year's
Chancellor's Award for Science.
21
00:00:41,161 --> 00:00:43,195
And you want to rub
my nose in the fact
22
00:00:43,229 --> 00:00:45,064
that my contributions
are being overlooked again?
23
00:00:45,098 --> 00:00:47,766
I am the William Shatner
of theoretical physics.
24
00:00:49,135 --> 00:00:50,169
All right, I'll play.
25
00:00:50,203 --> 00:00:51,770
What self-important,
preening fraud
26
00:00:51,805 --> 00:00:53,338
are they honoring this year?
27
00:00:53,373 --> 00:00:55,908
Oh, I'm so glad you asked it
like that. You.
28
00:00:58,244 --> 00:00:59,945
I won?
You won.
29
00:00:59,979 --> 00:01:02,381
I won!
30
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:04,183
This is astonishing.
31
00:01:04,217 --> 00:01:06,785
Not that I won the award--
no one deserves it more.
32
00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:08,353
Actually, I guess I misspoke.
33
00:01:08,388 --> 00:01:10,322
It's not astonishing;
more like inevitable.
34
00:01:11,758 --> 00:01:13,192
I'm not sure what to do first.
35
00:01:13,226 --> 00:01:14,626
Maybe I should call my mother.
36
00:01:14,661 --> 00:01:16,562
Wait! I know-- I'm going
to conduct an interview
37
00:01:16,596 --> 00:01:18,063
with myself and post it online.
38
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:22,868
Well, good for him.
39
00:01:22,902 --> 00:01:25,771
Yeah, the one thing
the William Shatner
40
00:01:25,805 --> 00:01:29,875
of theoretical physics needed
was an ego boost.
41
00:01:29,909 --> 00:01:33,512
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
42
00:01:33,546 --> 00:01:36,849
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
43
00:01:36,883 --> 00:01:38,450
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
44
00:01:38,485 --> 00:01:41,019
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
45
00:01:41,054 --> 00:01:43,689
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
46
00:01:43,723 --> 00:01:46,358
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
47
00:01:46,392 --> 00:01:48,260
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
48
00:01:48,294 --> 00:01:49,962
♪ Bang! ♪
49
00:01:49,972 --> 00:01:52,592
The Big Bang Theory 3x18
The Pants Alternative
Original Air Date on March 22, 2010
50
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:55,764
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
51
00:02:13,272 --> 00:02:14,972
Didn't it look
like that spear
52
00:02:15,007 --> 00:02:17,108
was going to go
right through your skull?
53
00:02:17,142 --> 00:02:18,576
No.
54
00:02:20,112 --> 00:02:21,879
Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee
at 7-Eleven,
55
00:02:21,914 --> 00:02:23,514
you don't get glasses.
56
00:02:26,552 --> 00:02:29,454
Oh, that will be another
congratulatory call for me.
57
00:02:29,488 --> 00:02:31,189
Uh, mute, please.
58
00:02:31,223 --> 00:02:33,424
Wait, wait. Hang on--
flaming arrow.
59
00:02:36,695 --> 00:02:38,129
Hello?
60
00:02:38,163 --> 00:02:40,965
Oh, Chancellor Morton,
how are you, sir?
61
00:02:42,935 --> 00:02:44,669
Yes, I was expecting your call.
62
00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:46,504
Three years ago.
63
00:02:47,372 --> 00:02:48,739
I see.
64
00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:51,742
Wait. What happens if I choose
not to give a speech?
65
00:02:51,777 --> 00:02:53,411
Uh-huh.
66
00:02:53,445 --> 00:02:56,047
And if I don't want
to forfeit the award?
67
00:02:57,216 --> 00:03:00,117
Well, you've got that tied up
in a neat little bow.
68
00:03:00,152 --> 00:03:01,185
All right.
69
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,787
Thank you.
70
00:03:02,821 --> 00:03:04,155
Problem.
71
00:03:04,189 --> 00:03:05,623
What?
72
00:03:05,657 --> 00:03:08,359
They expect me to give a speech
at the banquet.
73
00:03:08,393 --> 00:03:09,961
I can't give a speech.
74
00:03:09,995 --> 00:03:11,762
Well, no,
you're mistaken.
75
00:03:11,797 --> 00:03:14,866
You give speeches
all the time.
76
00:03:16,802 --> 00:03:20,037
What you can't
do is shut up.
77
00:03:20,072 --> 00:03:21,806
Yeah, before the movie,
78
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:26,177
you did 20 minutes
on why guacamole turns brown.
79
00:03:26,211 --> 00:03:28,913
It turned brown
while you were talking.
80
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:31,849
I am perfectly comfortable
speaking to small groups.
81
00:03:31,884 --> 00:03:34,018
I cannot speak to large crowds.
82
00:03:34,052 --> 00:03:35,520
What, to you, is a large crowd?
83
00:03:35,554 --> 00:03:38,022
Any group big enough
to trample me to death.
84
00:03:39,391 --> 00:03:43,427
General rule of thumb
is 36 adults or 70 children.
85
00:03:43,462 --> 00:03:46,464
Sheldon, congratulations.
86
00:03:46,498 --> 00:03:48,132
Brought you a cheesecake
from work.
87
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:49,634
You know, 'cause of your award,
88
00:03:49,668 --> 00:03:51,469
not because a busboy sneezed
on it.
89
00:03:54,573 --> 00:03:57,308
I'm not accepting the award.
Why not?
90
00:03:57,342 --> 00:04:01,012
Turns out the great Sheldon
Cooper has stage fright.
91
00:04:01,046 --> 00:04:02,213
That's no reason to back out.
92
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:04,115
You know, I once got
a pretty big honor
93
00:04:04,149 --> 00:04:05,816
in high school,
and I was terrified
94
00:04:05,851 --> 00:04:07,451
about appearing
in front of a big crowd,
95
00:04:07,486 --> 00:04:09,654
but I went through with
it, and you know what?
96
00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:11,556
The world
looked pretty darn good
97
00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:14,258
sitting on a haystack
in the back of a Ford F-150
98
00:04:14,293 --> 00:04:17,328
as a member
of the Corn Queen's court.
99
00:04:19,364 --> 00:04:20,364
Thank you.
100
00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:21,699
Yeah, I'll bear that in mind
101
00:04:21,733 --> 00:04:24,368
if I'm ever nominated
for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
102
00:04:26,538 --> 00:04:28,973
Sheldon,
you're being ridiculous.
103
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,007
Am I?
104
00:04:30,042 --> 00:04:31,342
Let me tell you a story.
105
00:04:31,376 --> 00:04:34,045
Where's 70 children
when you need them?
106
00:04:35,247 --> 00:04:39,884
I was 14 and graduating
summa cum laude from college.
107
00:04:39,918 --> 00:04:43,220
"Summa cum laude" is Latin
for "with highest honors."
108
00:04:43,255 --> 00:04:45,022
I just love how
you always skip
109
00:04:45,057 --> 00:04:47,892
over the part
where no one asks.
110
00:04:47,926 --> 00:04:50,394
I was valedictorian
and expected to give an address.
111
00:04:50,462 --> 00:04:52,663
Even now,
I can remember that moment
112
00:04:52,698 --> 00:04:55,866
when I walked up to the podium
and looked out at the crowd.
113
00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:57,868
There must have been thousands
of people.
114
00:04:57,903 --> 00:05:00,104
My heart started pounding
in my chest.
115
00:05:00,138 --> 00:05:01,672
I began to
hyperventilate.
116
00:05:01,707 --> 00:05:05,343
My vision became blurry,
and before I knew it...
117
00:05:05,377 --> 00:05:07,311
Oh, dear.
118
00:05:07,346 --> 00:05:08,913
Oh, my God.
119
00:05:08,947 --> 00:05:09,981
Sheldon?
120
00:05:10,015 --> 00:05:11,549
Sheldon, are you okay?
121
00:05:11,583 --> 00:05:13,584
Don't trample me.
122
00:05:15,887 --> 00:05:16,988
Come on, Mother.
123
00:05:17,022 --> 00:05:20,024
You know why I can't accept
the award.
124
00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:24,228
With all due respect,
I don't think praying will help.
125
00:05:24,262 --> 00:05:28,332
No, I have not heard the song,
"Jesus, Take the Wheel."
126
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:29,800
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
127
00:05:29,835 --> 00:05:32,336
You don't need
to start singing it.
128
00:05:32,371 --> 00:05:35,539
Yes, I'll buy it
on the iTunes, Mother.
129
00:05:35,574 --> 00:05:37,174
Good-bye, Mother.
130
00:05:42,848 --> 00:05:44,982
Hello.
131
00:05:45,017 --> 00:05:46,050
Sit down.
132
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,318
We want to talk to you.
133
00:05:47,352 --> 00:05:48,653
Am I in trouble?
134
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:50,554
Did my mother call you?
135
00:05:50,589 --> 00:05:51,956
Just sit.
136
00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:55,626
We think we can help you
with your stage fright.
137
00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:57,261
Oh, I doubt that.
138
00:05:57,295 --> 00:05:58,529
I haven't figured out a way,
139
00:05:58,563 --> 00:06:00,464
and I'm much smarter
than all of you.
140
00:06:02,401 --> 00:06:05,770
Yes, but you're not smarter
than all of us put together.
141
00:06:05,804 --> 00:06:07,038
Oh, I'm sorry.
142
00:06:07,072 --> 00:06:08,873
That is what I meant.
143
00:06:09,775 --> 00:06:11,008
Okay. Your problem is,
144
00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,244
you're trying to do this
all by yourself.
145
00:06:13,278 --> 00:06:15,279
We can help you.
We can be your team.
146
00:06:15,313 --> 00:06:18,115
Like, uh, Professor Xavier
and his X-Men.
147
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,488
I do like the X-Men.
148
00:06:24,523 --> 00:06:26,724
Did I see X-Men?
149
00:06:26,758 --> 00:06:28,125
Yeah, we watched it last week.
150
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,360
You said you liked it.
151
00:06:29,394 --> 00:06:31,729
Oh. I say a lot of things,
sweetie.
152
00:06:33,465 --> 00:06:34,965
So, how about it, Sheldon?
153
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,434
I don't know.
154
00:06:36,468 --> 00:06:39,937
If you're my X-Men,
what are your powers?
155
00:06:39,971 --> 00:06:42,239
Okay. Well, I am going
to take you shopping,
156
00:06:42,274 --> 00:06:43,774
get you a nice suit.
157
00:06:43,809 --> 00:06:45,176
Might give you more confidence.
158
00:06:45,210 --> 00:06:47,378
That's not exactly a mutation
that would get you
159
00:06:47,412 --> 00:06:50,314
into Xavier's School for
Gifted Youngsters, but go on.
160
00:06:50,348 --> 00:06:51,615
Leonard?
161
00:06:51,650 --> 00:06:53,684
I thought I could try
to analyze you
162
00:06:53,719 --> 00:06:55,720
and get to the root
of your anxiety.
163
00:06:55,754 --> 00:06:59,090
What qualifies you to attempt
to understand my mind?
164
00:06:59,124 --> 00:07:01,659
My mother is
a highly regarded psychiatrist,
165
00:07:01,693 --> 00:07:04,929
and I've been in therapy
ever since she accused me
166
00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:07,465
of breast-feeding codependently.
167
00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:11,802
Raj says he can
teach you...
168
00:07:11,837 --> 00:07:13,804
What did you call it?
169
00:07:13,839 --> 00:07:17,108
I don't know-- some
Indian meditation crap.
170
00:07:18,643 --> 00:07:19,844
I see.
171
00:07:19,878 --> 00:07:21,812
Well, I assume,
since the rest of you
172
00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:24,181
have set the bar so
low, you're saving
173
00:07:24,216 --> 00:07:25,816
the most impressive contribution
for last.
174
00:07:25,851 --> 00:07:27,151
Go ahead, Howard.
175
00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:29,253
Dazzle me.
176
00:07:30,489 --> 00:07:33,991
My power is the ability
to pretend
177
00:07:34,025 --> 00:07:37,928
like I give a damn
about your piddily-ass problems.
178
00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:45,402
And that's 24-seven, buddy.
179
00:07:46,605 --> 00:07:49,540
And I appreciate
the pretense.
180
00:07:50,675 --> 00:07:51,942
So, what do you say, Sheldon?
181
00:07:51,977 --> 00:07:53,644
Are we your X-Men?
182
00:07:53,678 --> 00:07:54,845
No.
183
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,249
The X-Men were named for the "X"
in Charles Xavier.
184
00:07:58,283 --> 00:08:02,620
Since I am Sheldon Cooper,
you will be my C-Men.
185
00:08:07,626 --> 00:08:09,794
Oh, that's not a good name.
186
00:08:14,599 --> 00:08:16,167
Okay, Sheldon.
187
00:08:16,201 --> 00:08:17,868
I'm going
to be leading you
188
00:08:17,903 --> 00:08:20,070
through a series
of meditation exercises.
189
00:08:20,105 --> 00:08:23,374
These methods come
from the ancient gurus of India
190
00:08:23,408 --> 00:08:26,577
and have helped me
overcome my own fears.
191
00:08:27,479 --> 00:08:30,414
And yet, you can't
speak to women.
192
00:08:31,616 --> 00:08:33,884
True, but thanks to meditation,
I am able to stay
193
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,920
in the same room with them
without urinating.
194
00:08:38,623 --> 00:08:42,059
Now...
close your eyes.
195
00:08:42,093 --> 00:08:44,995
Okay, but don't punch me.
196
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:46,363
What?
197
00:08:46,398 --> 00:08:48,632
When I was little, my
sister would say to me,
198
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,534
"Close your eyes,
you'll get a surprise,"
199
00:08:50,569 --> 00:08:52,336
and then she'd punch me.
200
00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:54,171
I'm not going to punch you.
201
00:08:54,206 --> 00:08:56,140
That's what my
sister used to say.
202
00:08:57,075 --> 00:08:58,642
Do you want to do this or not?
203
00:08:58,677 --> 00:09:00,444
I'm sorry. Proceed.
204
00:09:00,478 --> 00:09:02,146
All right.
205
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:04,215
Imagine yourself
in the one place
206
00:09:04,249 --> 00:09:05,983
you feel most at home.
207
00:09:06,017 --> 00:09:07,351
Where is that?
208
00:09:07,385 --> 00:09:10,321
Sim City.
209
00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:15,025
More specifically,
the Sim City I designed--
210
00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:17,094
Sheldonopolis.
211
00:09:17,128 --> 00:09:19,563
Okay, you're
in Sheldonopolis.
212
00:09:19,598 --> 00:09:21,298
Where exactly?
213
00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:23,434
Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers?
214
00:09:23,468 --> 00:09:27,104
Sheldon Stadium,
home of the Fighting Sheldons?
215
00:09:27,138 --> 00:09:28,606
Whatever you like.
216
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,375
I thought this was supposed
to be a guided meditation.
217
00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:34,211
Fine. You're in Sheldon Square.
218
00:09:34,246 --> 00:09:35,412
Really? This time of year?
219
00:09:35,447 --> 00:09:36,814
It's a bit nippy.
220
00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:38,883
Then, put on a sweater.
221
00:09:38,917 --> 00:09:40,818
Suppose I could run downtown
222
00:09:40,852 --> 00:09:44,121
and pick up something
at Shel-Mart.
223
00:09:44,155 --> 00:09:46,090
Yeah, whatever.
Just go buy a sweater.
224
00:09:46,124 --> 00:09:48,425
You know, the nice thing
about Shel-Mart is I own it,
225
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,861
so I get a 15% discount.
226
00:09:50,896 --> 00:09:52,563
You own the damn thing.
227
00:09:52,597 --> 00:09:54,531
Just take a freaking sweater!
228
00:09:54,566 --> 00:09:56,734
Look, I didn't turn a profit
last quarter
229
00:09:56,768 --> 00:09:59,737
by taking product
off the shelves willy-nilly.
230
00:09:59,771 --> 00:10:02,506
All right.
231
00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:06,543
You've paid for a sweater,
and you're in Sheldon Square.
232
00:10:06,578 --> 00:10:08,946
Hang on.
233
00:10:10,215 --> 00:10:12,850
It's a cardigan.
I have to button it.
234
00:10:15,754 --> 00:10:17,121
Oh, no.
235
00:10:17,155 --> 00:10:18,289
What now?
236
00:10:18,323 --> 00:10:21,325
A Godzilla-like monster
is approaching the city.
237
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,661
I have to get my
people to safety.
238
00:10:23,695 --> 00:10:26,864
People of Sheldonopolis,
this is your mayor.
239
00:10:26,898 --> 00:10:28,132
Follow me.
240
00:10:28,166 --> 00:10:31,769
If the children can't run,
leave them behind.
241
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:36,640
Oh, the simulated horror!
242
00:10:45,550 --> 00:10:47,685
Raj?
243
00:10:48,954 --> 00:10:51,055
Just as I suspected.
244
00:10:51,089 --> 00:10:53,691
Meditation is nothing but hokum.
245
00:11:00,825 --> 00:11:02,525
I question your premise.
246
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,761
How is a new suit going
to prevent me
247
00:11:04,795 --> 00:11:07,063
from passing out in front of
a ballroom full of people?
248
00:11:07,098 --> 00:11:09,065
It'll give you confidence.
249
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:10,767
You know, sometimes when
I'm feeling all stressed out
250
00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:13,069
about something, I go out
and buy a cute top
251
00:11:13,104 --> 00:11:16,206
or a fun skirt and I have
a whole new outlook on life.
252
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,208
Don't you eventually
realize
253
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,043
you're just the same
stressed out person
254
00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:22,145
in a cute top
or a fun skirt?
255
00:11:22,179 --> 00:11:24,848
Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.
256
00:11:25,916 --> 00:11:27,517
Now, let's see
what we've got.
257
00:11:27,551 --> 00:11:28,685
Ooh!
258
00:11:28,719 --> 00:11:31,087
This is nice.
259
00:11:31,122 --> 00:11:33,990
It's only one color.
260
00:11:34,025 --> 00:11:35,358
Yeah, so?
261
00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:38,561
That's a lot of money
for only one color.
262
00:11:38,596 --> 00:11:39,596
Fine.
263
00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:41,431
Why don't you pick out
what you like.
264
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:44,834
Hmm.
265
00:11:44,869 --> 00:11:47,003
This is pretty sharp.
266
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:53,743
No.
267
00:11:53,778 --> 00:11:55,378
You're wrong.
268
00:11:56,547 --> 00:11:58,481
This is great.
269
00:11:58,516 --> 00:12:01,818
I had a suit like this
when I was six.
270
00:12:05,656 --> 00:12:07,791
Okay, I think
we have a winner.
271
00:12:10,561 --> 00:12:12,362
Where the hell'd you find that?
272
00:12:12,396 --> 00:12:14,731
In the prom department.
273
00:12:14,765 --> 00:12:16,132
It's ridiculous.
274
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:20,070
Says the former member
of the Corn Queen's Court.
275
00:12:21,005 --> 00:12:23,573
Please just try
this one on.
276
00:12:23,607 --> 00:12:24,607
Okay.
277
00:12:24,642 --> 00:12:26,076
But anything I put on now
278
00:12:26,110 --> 00:12:28,478
is only going to suffer
in comparison.
279
00:12:34,652 --> 00:12:36,419
This is absurd.
280
00:12:36,454 --> 00:12:37,821
I look like a clown.
281
00:12:41,725 --> 00:12:44,427
So, Sheldon...
282
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,164
...how you doing?
283
00:12:48,199 --> 00:12:51,801
That's how you start a
psychotherapy session?
284
00:12:51,836 --> 00:12:53,136
"How am I doing?"
285
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:55,638
I was promised
a riverboat journey
286
00:12:55,673 --> 00:12:57,907
into the jungles
of my subconscious.
287
00:12:57,942 --> 00:12:59,809
Instead, I get the same
question I hear
288
00:12:59,844 --> 00:13:02,979
from the lady who slices
my bologna at Ralph's.
289
00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:06,049
I'm sorry, I'll start again.
290
00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:07,984
Would it be helpful to you
291
00:13:08,018 --> 00:13:10,186
if I told you
about my dreams?
292
00:13:10,221 --> 00:13:12,188
Um, I don't know, maybe.
293
00:13:12,223 --> 00:13:14,524
I recently had a dream
294
00:13:14,558 --> 00:13:16,993
that I was a giant.
295
00:13:17,027 --> 00:13:19,562
But everything around me
was to scale,
296
00:13:19,597 --> 00:13:21,698
so it all looked normal.
297
00:13:24,869 --> 00:13:26,970
How did you know
you were a giant
298
00:13:27,004 --> 00:13:29,005
if everything was to scale?
299
00:13:29,039 --> 00:13:32,575
I was wearing size
a million pants.
300
00:13:35,713 --> 00:13:37,714
Why don't we just talk?
301
00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:38,848
Ah.
302
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:39,883
The talking cure.
303
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:41,351
Classical Freudian.
Good choice.
304
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,353
If it will help
speed things along,
305
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:46,890
uh, my answers to the standard
Rorschach ink blot test are:
306
00:13:46,924 --> 00:13:49,893
A) a bat, B) a bat,
307
00:13:49,927 --> 00:13:51,895
C) a bat,
308
00:13:51,929 --> 00:13:54,197
and D) my father
killing my mother
309
00:13:54,231 --> 00:13:57,333
with a hypodermic needle.
310
00:13:58,235 --> 00:14:00,537
Why don't I just start?
311
00:14:00,571 --> 00:14:02,872
Sometimes
312
00:14:02,907 --> 00:14:05,275
people have trouble
accepting accolades
313
00:14:05,309 --> 00:14:07,210
if, on a subconscious level,
314
00:14:07,244 --> 00:14:09,145
they don't feel
they deserve them.
315
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:11,347
Do you think maybe that's
what's happening here?
316
00:14:11,382 --> 00:14:13,917
Really, Leonard?
317
00:14:15,119 --> 00:14:17,854
You're just going to try
to recycle Adler's doctrine
318
00:14:17,888 --> 00:14:19,289
of the inferiority complex?
319
00:14:19,323 --> 00:14:22,325
I could probably get that
from the woman at Ralph's.
320
00:14:22,359 --> 00:14:25,762
And she'd let me taste some
pieces of cheese for free.
321
00:14:25,796 --> 00:14:27,697
But it could be part
of your problem.
322
00:14:27,731 --> 00:14:29,098
Let me give you
an example.
323
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,700
When I was eight,
324
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,902
I won a ribbon
at the science fair
325
00:14:32,937 --> 00:14:36,573
for my project, "Do Lima Beans
Grow Better to Classical Music."
326
00:14:36,607 --> 00:14:38,841
But my mother pointed out
327
00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:41,778
that it was just a rehash
of my brother's earlier
328
00:14:41,812 --> 00:14:44,747
"Do Lima Beans Grow Worse
to Rock 'n' Roll."
329
00:14:46,283 --> 00:14:49,986
I felt so guilty,
I gave the ribbon back.
330
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:52,555
And how did that
make you feel?
331
00:14:52,590 --> 00:14:54,524
Terrible.
332
00:14:54,558 --> 00:14:57,460
I worked really hard
on that project.
333
00:14:57,494 --> 00:15:00,897
I stayed up all night singing
the clown's aria from Pagliacci
334
00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,733
to a lima bean sprout.
335
00:15:04,668 --> 00:15:07,203
Go on.
336
00:15:07,238 --> 00:15:09,205
It wasn't my fault.
337
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,808
I had never seen
my brother's project.
338
00:15:11,842 --> 00:15:14,010
And my mother could've
told me before
339
00:15:14,044 --> 00:15:17,247
instead of at the ceremony
in front of everyone.
340
00:15:18,215 --> 00:15:19,315
So, I hear you saying
341
00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:22,652
you're angry
with your mother.
342
00:15:22,686 --> 00:15:25,755
Damn right, I'm angry
with my mother.
343
00:15:30,894 --> 00:15:33,930
For God's sake,
I was eight years old.
344
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:35,832
She humiliated me.
345
00:15:35,866 --> 00:15:38,735
That's when the bed-wetting
started again.
346
00:15:40,671 --> 00:15:42,405
Thank you, Leonard.
347
00:15:42,439 --> 00:15:43,973
For what?
348
00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:45,775
If someone as damaged as you
349
00:15:45,809 --> 00:15:48,177
can find his way to crawl
out of bed each morning,
350
00:15:48,212 --> 00:15:50,680
I think I can face
a simple award ceremony.
351
00:15:51,582 --> 00:15:53,516
Wait, that's it?
352
00:15:53,550 --> 00:15:56,185
I thought we had a whole hour!
353
00:15:57,354 --> 00:15:59,322
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
354
00:15:59,356 --> 00:16:01,257
My name is Dr. Leonard
Hofstadter,
355
00:16:01,292 --> 00:16:03,660
and it is my very great honor
to introduce the winner
356
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:06,162
of this year's Chancellor's
award for Science
357
00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:08,998
and my good friend,
Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
358
00:16:10,301 --> 00:16:12,302
But before I do,
359
00:16:12,336 --> 00:16:14,904
I'd like to share with you a
letter from Sheldon's mother,
360
00:16:14,938 --> 00:16:17,440
who couldn't be here tonight.
361
00:16:17,474 --> 00:16:19,108
Isn't that nice?
362
00:16:19,143 --> 00:16:21,077
His mother sent him a letter.
363
00:16:21,111 --> 00:16:23,112
She's proud of him.
364
00:16:23,147 --> 00:16:25,982
I wonder what that feels like.
365
00:16:26,016 --> 00:16:27,417
Anyway,
366
00:16:27,451 --> 00:16:29,218
"Dear Shelly."
367
00:16:29,253 --> 00:16:31,554
That's what she calls him.
368
00:16:31,588 --> 00:16:33,489
Shelly-- it's a pet name.
369
00:16:33,524 --> 00:16:35,692
You know what my mother's
pet name for me is?
370
00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:37,026
Leonard.
371
00:16:39,263 --> 00:16:42,498
But I digress.
372
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:43,566
"Dear Shelly..."
373
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,501
Oh, dear.
374
00:16:45,536 --> 00:16:46,502
What's the matter?
375
00:16:46,537 --> 00:16:47,704
I'm getting dizzy.
376
00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:49,038
Don't worry.
377
00:16:49,073 --> 00:16:51,841
You're surrounded by your C-Men.
378
00:16:53,410 --> 00:16:54,377
I can't do this.
379
00:16:54,411 --> 00:16:55,778
I'm going to faint.
380
00:16:55,813 --> 00:16:56,779
Here, drink this.
381
00:16:56,814 --> 00:16:57,847
It'll relax you.
382
00:16:57,881 --> 00:16:59,048
Alcohol?
383
00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:00,416
I don't drink alcohol.
384
00:17:00,451 --> 00:17:01,851
Fine, faint.
385
00:17:05,656 --> 00:17:07,623
I don't feel different.
386
00:17:07,658 --> 00:17:09,092
This alcohol is defective.
387
00:17:09,126 --> 00:17:12,362
Here, see if
this one works.
388
00:17:13,263 --> 00:17:15,465
First of all,
389
00:17:15,499 --> 00:17:19,502
the projects
were totally different.
390
00:17:19,536 --> 00:17:20,703
I was showing
391
00:17:20,738 --> 00:17:22,672
that classical music nurtures
lima beans
392
00:17:22,706 --> 00:17:24,140
and makes them grow,
but my mother
393
00:17:24,174 --> 00:17:26,042
didn't hear me.
394
00:17:26,076 --> 00:17:27,677
If you'd like to look
at the relationship
395
00:17:27,711 --> 00:17:29,712
between nurturing and growth,
I'd like to point out
396
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:33,249
that my brother is
eight inches taller than me.
397
00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:35,284
SHELDON
I'm ready.
398
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,754
Oh,
399
00:17:37,788 --> 00:17:39,021
right.
400
00:17:39,056 --> 00:17:41,090
Ladies and gentlemen,
our guest of honor
401
00:17:41,125 --> 00:17:42,792
Dr. Sheldon
Cooper.
402
00:17:45,529 --> 00:17:49,098
Thanks, shorty,
I'll take it from here.
403
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,834
All right, you people ready
to have some fun?
404
00:17:51,869 --> 00:17:52,935
You have a basic
405
00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:54,437
understanding
of differential calculus
406
00:17:54,471 --> 00:17:56,639
and at least one year
of algebraic topology?
407
00:17:56,673 --> 00:17:58,574
Well, then here come the jokes.
408
00:18:00,544 --> 00:18:03,846
Why did the chicken
cross the Mobius strip?
409
00:18:03,881 --> 00:18:06,783
To get to the same side--
bazinga!
410
00:18:07,951 --> 00:18:10,086
All right, a neutron walks
into a bar and asks,
411
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,187
"How much for a drink?"
412
00:18:11,221 --> 00:18:13,322
The bartender says,
"For you, no charge."
413
00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:20,296
Hello?
414
00:18:21,198 --> 00:18:22,298
I know you're out there.
415
00:18:22,332 --> 00:18:24,233
I can hear you
metabolizing oxygen
416
00:18:24,268 --> 00:18:26,636
and expelling carbon dioxide.
417
00:18:28,172 --> 00:18:30,773
Looks like we have some academic
dignitaries in the audience.
418
00:18:30,808 --> 00:18:33,409
Dr. Randall
from the geology department--
419
00:18:33,444 --> 00:18:36,145
only man who's happy when they
take his work for granite.
420
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:38,314
Ba-da cha!
421
00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:41,984
I kid the geologists,
of course,
422
00:18:42,019 --> 00:18:44,320
but it's only 'cause I have
no respect for the field.
423
00:18:45,622 --> 00:18:48,591
Let's get serious for a moment.
424
00:18:52,129 --> 00:18:54,697
Why are we all here?
425
00:18:54,731 --> 00:18:56,599
'Cause we're scientists.
426
00:18:56,633 --> 00:18:59,535
And what do scientists study?
427
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:01,270
The universe.
428
00:19:01,305 --> 00:19:03,439
And what's the
universe made of?
429
00:19:03,474 --> 00:19:05,975
I am so glad you asked.
430
00:19:06,009 --> 00:19:08,110
♪ There's antimony ♪
431
00:19:08,145 --> 00:19:09,979
♪ Arsenic, aluminum,
selenium ♪
432
00:19:10,013 --> 00:19:12,281
♪ And hydrogen and oxygen
and nitrogen and rhenium ♪
433
00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:14,817
♪ And nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium ♪
434
00:19:14,852 --> 00:19:15,918
Everybody!
435
00:19:15,953 --> 00:19:17,920
♪ And iron,
americium ♪
436
00:19:17,955 --> 00:19:20,823
♪ Ruthenium, uranium,
europium, zirconium, ♪
437
00:19:20,858 --> 00:19:22,358
♪ Lutetium, vanadium ♪
438
00:19:22,392 --> 00:19:23,359
Just the Asians!
439
00:19:23,393 --> 00:19:25,161
♪ And lanthanum
and osmium ♪
440
00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:26,863
♪ And astatine and radium... ♪
441
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,726
Penny, Leonard.
442
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,195
Would you be able
to answer some questions
443
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,398
I'm having about
the events of last night?
444
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:53,033
Sure.
445
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,169
Question one...
446
00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:57,171
where are my pants?
447
00:19:57,205 --> 00:19:59,673
You might want
to check YouTube.
448
00:20:01,709 --> 00:20:03,043
What do I search?
449
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,746
It's already loaded.
Just hit play.
450
00:20:07,849 --> 00:20:11,552
SHELDON
All right, people, let's
get down to the math.
451
00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:13,987
It is only
three dimensional thinking
452
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:16,256
that limits our imagination.
453
00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:18,625
Can I take my pants
off over my head?
454
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:20,928
Of course not.
455
00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:22,496
My body's in the way.
456
00:20:22,530 --> 00:20:28,702
But if we had access
to higher dimensions,
457
00:20:28,736 --> 00:20:32,573
we could move our pants
around our bodies
458
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:35,809
through the fourth dimension
459
00:20:35,844 --> 00:20:39,813
and our days of dropping
trousers would be over.
460
00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:45,018
Oh, Lord...
461
00:20:45,053 --> 00:20:47,554
This couldn't be
any more humiliating.
462
00:20:47,589 --> 00:20:48,655
Give it a minute.
463
00:20:48,690 --> 00:20:50,624
Now, for the astronomers
464
00:20:50,658 --> 00:20:52,526
in the audience,
get ready to see
465
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,461
the dark side of the moon.
466
00:20:55,930 --> 00:20:57,297
And here's Uranus.
467
00:20:57,332 --> 00:21:00,366
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --