I know this is supposed to be art...
...but to me it just looks like a big car wreck.
- I don't see a mother or a daughter. - You guys don't get it.
You have to open your mind to the artist's inner feelings.
Hey, wait a minute.
If you tilt your head to the right and squint your eyes a little...
...you can just about make out Elvis' profile.
- I don't see it, chief. - Oh, yeah, look.
Between these two hubcaps here and that upside-down speedometer.
- Oh, yeah. - You see it?
Maybe the fat Elvis.
Why do I even try?
Art to you guys is like prints of those poker-playing dogs.
Oh, I love those.
Did you ever see the one with the two dogs in the bar, throwing darts?
Lois Lane?
- Yes? - This is for you.
Who's it from?
I have no idea.
"Dear Lois:
Please forgive me, but my feelings for you run deep...
...and I'm too shy to tell you in person.
But I want the world to know that whenever I think of you...
...my heart sings.
Your secret admirer."
Don't look at me. I may be from Kansas, but I am not that corny.
- This is so embarrassing. - Well, open it up.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
Well, whoever this guy is, he sure has a sense of style.
Lift up that latch.
That's the damnedest thing I've ever seen.
That's really cool.
Waiter.
Excuse me, I wanted one of those.
This fella sure knows how to clear a room.
Chief, you don't have to yell.
Who's yelling?
I'd hate to think of what this guy would've sent you if he didn't like you.
- Morning. - Morning.
- Did the lab call? - Yeah.
Unfortunately, the wiring was so melted they couldn't tell anything.
You got any idea who Romeo is?
I haven't been able to think of anyone who likes me enough to send me a...
I'm still working on it.
Lois, I just got off the phone with the museum.
I told them we'd take care of the damages.
Is something wrong?
"Dear Lois:
Please accept the gift on your desk as an apology for last night.
I am itching to be yours. Your secret admirer."
Well, are you gonna open it?
- I don't know. - You want me to open it?
No.
No. I'll do it.
It's beautiful.
It's a little tight, but...
Your secret admirer must work here. Nobody else has access to your desk.
- That's good deductive reasoning, Jimmy. - Thanks.
But you're wrong.
I know what everybody gets paid.
And nobody gets paid enough to be able to afford a rock like that. Not even me.
It's just the most romantic thing.
"Ltching to be yours." Give me a break.
- Clark, I'm sure it came from his heart. - Amazing.
You went from being afraid to open the box...
...to thinking this guy was Longfellow in a matter of 30 seconds.
Oh, Clark, you just don't understand romance.
Lois, are you okay?
I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the gold.
- It's too tight. - Let me help.
It must've been a cheap setting.
Well, so far lover boy's batting 0 for 2.
It's discolored.
It's been dipped in some kind of chemical.
Yeah, real romantic.
Hey, watch it!
What do you think this is, the Tour de France?
I guess this is gonna be a long day.
What, I'm a little edgy. I'm sorry, Clark.
I can't get this image out of my head of some weirdo sitting in his living room...
...snickering about how he's gonna get Lois Lane to fall for him.
I guess that's the drawbacks of being beautiful, successful and eligible.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing. I was paying you a compliment.
You implied if I wasn't single, I wouldn't have this problem.
No, I wasn't. But you probably wouldn't have this problem if you were married.
Well, that's a terrific reason to get married, to avoid harassment.
Yep, a long day.
- May I help you? - Yes. I was wondering...
...if you could tell by looking at a ring where it was made.
Well, I can certainly tell by looking at it...
...it wasn't made here. Let me get my loupe.
Gee, he's got some beautiful things. These cameos are gorgeous.
You ought to take a look at the things in this case. They are not.
Yuck.
These remind me of this computer nerd I used to know in college...
...Randall Loomis.
Followed me around for an entire year like this annoying little gnat.
And then, one day, I found in my locker...
...a hideous piece of jewelry just like this.
With this note attached to it that said, "From your secret admirer."
Clark, that's it.
Randall Loomis. He must be the one behind this. He still lives in Metropolis.
I can get the information you want.
But it would help if I could hold on to this for a day.
- That's fine. Let's go. - Okay. Thank you.
After years of pining for me...
...Loomis has finally decided to act on his sick little fantasies.
Turn here.
That's it?
Looks like Randall the nerd is doing all right for himself.
What are you gonna say if it turns out he's not behind this?
It makes perfect sense:
His intense infatuation for me, his mechanical abilities...
...and, evidently, he has enough money to spend on all those elaborate gifts.
People do change, Lois.
This wouldn't be change, Clark. This would be morphing.
Yes?
Hi. Does Randall Loomis live here?
- Yes, I'm Mrs. Loomis. Can I help you? - Mrs. Loomis, of course.
- Hi, I'm Clark Kent. - Hi.
This is...
Lois Lane.
Randall and Lois are old friends.
We were in the neighborhood, and Lois thought we should drop by and say hello.
Isn't that right, Lois?
Well, I'm sure he'd be delighted. I'll be right back.
Maybe it's a different Randall Loomis. It is a common name.
Hi. You were looking for me?
Lois.
Hi, Randall.
- Do I know you from somewhere? - Lois Lane.
We went to college together.
Lois. I didn't recognize you.
You... You look so mature.
And you look like you're doing...
...very well. - Yeah. Yeah.
I sold my software company last year and retired.
Donna and I are gonna travel around the world and then settle down...
...in our place in Paris.
So, what have you been up to?
I'm a reporter.
A journalist.
Senior journalist for the Daily Planet.
- Actually, I'm in charge of... - Almost the entire newspaper.
Oh, that... That's great!
- Well, would you folks like to come in? - No, we... We can't.
Big story. Deadline.
Well, it was nice of you to stop by.
I'm glad to see that you've found yourself a good man.
In college, I seem to remember Lois always on the prowl...
...but she never could hook up with the right guy.
I hope it works out for you two.
Thank you.
Let's go.
- So you were on the prowl in college? - That man has a very faulty memory.
And did you see her nails? Obviously press-on.
I wasn't really focusing on her nails, Lois.
I'm glad you're having such a good time.
What did you do that for?
Well, you left the security system off again...
...and I just walked right in the door.
Well, I can never figure how that stupid thing works.
Funny. You got a Master's in engineering and you can't turn on an alarm system.
Well, sometimes geniuses have trouble with simple things.
- It makes us colorful. - How do you feel about the colors...
...black and blue?
I've been waiting five years to even the score with Lois Lane.
And I'm not gonna let everything be ruined...
...just because you are too stupid...
...to set a simple alarm.
Okay.
Okay, I'll rig it some way so it's easy to operate.
I don't care if you clap it on. Just use it.
- How was the meeting with the terrorists? - Don't call them that.
They like to be called "freedom fighters." And they want a little...
They want a demonstration before they'll advance us any money.
- They don't trust us? - Victor...
...we're the kind of people that deal with terrorists. Why would anybody trust us?
Is that thing ready?
I modified the manufacturer's spraying system and installed...
Boring!
Is it ready?
It's ready.
Good. Now...
...think you can figure out how to get into this?
Come on, sweetie. Come on.
Is this another part of your colorful genius persona?
There it is. Let's go.
Look out!
Are you okay?
Come on!
- You okay? - Get him out of there.
I'm sorry. But you should've seen your face...
...when Randall said he was selling his company and moving to Paris.
Stop it. You think I care what Randall Loomis does with his life?
- I have more important things to deal with. - Of course you do.
- You're a "senior journalist." - You know, you could walk back.
Found it.
Give me the tweezers.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Is that our little gift for Lois Lane? - Yes.
- Listen, I've been thinking. - Bad idea, Victor.
- No, you... - Bad idea. Bad idea!
Look out!
- Steer into the skid. - I am! It's not working!
- That was close. - Too close.
What'd you open the door for?
I don't know. I thought maybe for a moment there maybe...
What? You were gonna drag your foot along the street and stop the car?
You've been watching too many Flintstones cartoons.
Yeah. Look, stay here. I'll go for help.
I'm not gonna wait here while you go running off and get the whole...
You okay?
Are you all right?
Yeah, for someone who just saw their life flash before their eyes.
- What caused this? - I'm not sure.
Some kind of chemical reaction.
Promise me someday you'll tell me how you do that.
Here's the little dickens.
Whoops. Don't move.
- Why? - I dropped the chip.
Oh, you dropped the chip.
Can you see the chip?
No.
Victor, that little chip is worth well over $ 100,000.
And it's irreplaceable, unlike you.
So I'd like you to look for the chip again.
It was by your foot.
Lucky, no harm done.
Oh, Victor...
...did I ever tell you how much time I spent in prison?
- You said about five years. - About five years.
And you know that in that whole time I never got one day off for good behavior.
- You know why? - No.
Because I'm... I'm just not a very nice person, see?
I'm just not a very nice person.
And my problem today...
...is that I just don't feel that you understand...
...how much this project means to me.
- I understand. - Do you?
Lt'll never happen again.
- No? - No.
Good. Hey, we've had a long day.
How about I take you out to the old ball game?
- Lois! Lois! Lois! - Hey, slugger. Batter up.
- Someone wanna tell me what's going on? - Didn't you read the sports section?
- Not yet, why? - You're the action shot of the day.
"Lois Lane, let me be your designated hitter.
- Your secret admirer." - What?
It's kind of cool the way he tied in the baseball theme.
You know, the whole "designated hitter" ...
I wish someone would yell out "copy boy" right about now.
Lois.
A lot of people tell me I'm too old to be romantic.
And they're right. Do me a favor.
Would you tell lover boy to send a candygram next time?
Was the message on the board very long?
Long? The game was postponed for half an hour.
- The fans were going nuts. - Nuts in a good way?
The boys in the press box called him the Prankster.
Me, I suggested a different name.
Pete, don't you have a box score to study?
How did he manage this?
- Well, l... - With a stolen computer chip.
I spoke to the manager of the stadium this morning.
He told me the scoreboard was programmed by Stanton Electronics.
Ring a bell?
Their truck was in that mess on the street yesterday.
It turns out two computer chips were stolen and replaced with altered chips.
One controlled your scoreboard. The other was headed for a military lab.
- So that's it. - That's what?
What happened wasn't an accident. It was a diversion...
...so someone could steal the chips from the truck.
Yeah. I knew that.
And if yesterday was a diversion, it means what happened at the museum was one too.
The Regent Diamond is missing from their collection.
Fifty carats.
Let me guess. A piece of it was in the ring I got?
The jeweler said it was cut from the same stone.
You know, it's true what they say. Love stinks.
I don't get it. He steals a diamond ring and computer chips.
- What's the connection? - Lois, Clark.
You gotta see this. This just broke in to all the news channels.
- Good morning, Metropolis. - Where's it coming from?
I'm sorry to interrupt your little news bulletin there...
... but what I've got to say is just more important.
Now, the bomb you see on your TV screens...
...is hidden in the basement of one of the city's scientific laboratories.
Just so everyone isn't inconvenienced, I'll tell you that that laboratory is located...
... in our city's lovely riverfront industrial area.
- All right, somebody get on this. - I'll go.
- Lois, find how he cut into the broadcast. - Okay, fine.
As you see, the bomb on your screens will detonate in one minute, 15 seconds.
If you're in that area... Fourteen seconds. - Consider taking an early lunch.
Eleven seconds. If you're wondering how come I'm pulling this loony prank...
... all I can say is I'm an incurable romantic, and I just want to show the world...
...the explosive nature of my love for Lois Lane.
Okay, the workers are out. Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Bravo, Superman.
Hey, you were super close. Unfortunately next time, Superman...
...super close will have super deadly results.
Bye-bye for now.
You recognize his voice?
Why is he doing this to me?
Hang in there, kid.
Jimmy, come on.
Hey, Juliet.
While you and Romeo here were making a love connection, some guy called...
...and he said he had some information about who this wack-a-doo is.
Well, I think we've finally found the absolute bottom of Metropolis.
Why is it that guys who call in with tips always live in the worst part of town?
What do you think the brochure on this place say?
"Exquisite alley view. Complimentary roaches on your pillow."
- Is this 210? - You Lane?
Yes. This is my partner, Clark Kent. And you are?
Not very friendly.
Sit down.
Well, that's okay. We'll stand.
Let's see the money.
What money?
I told the kid on the phone, you wanna know who's doing this, it's gonna cost.
I'm sorry, but the Daily Planet has a policy that we don't pay for information.
Then you came here for nothing.
Well, let's not be too hasty. How much money could we be talking about?
- Ten grand. - Ten thousand dollars? Are you joking?
Does this look like a face that makes jokes?
No. No. No, not jokes.
Look, I know this guy. I spent a lot of time with him.
All he did was talk about you and what he was gonna do to you.
Now, do you wanna know this guy's name or not?
How do you know him?
What? You see a sign on my forehead says "stupid"?
- Yeah? - We can get the information for less.
- These things are negotiable. - Who's this?
Fine. Talk him down to $20, because that's all I have on me.
Money isn't everything. Maybe we can offer a stay in a nicer place.
Sure, maybe we can throw in a cruise while we're at it.
Will you get serious? We're talking about my life.
Now, let's offer him $ 100. He'll take it. Just look at him. He's so pathetic.
He's beyond pathetic.
He's dead.
Database access code accepted.
I just heard. Any idea who this fella was?
He registered as Mick Barrows. We're checking to see if that's accurate.
Collating data.
How can you rig up something to electrocute a person over the telephone?
- This Prankster's talented. - I'm not sure "talent" is the word I'd use.
Here he is. Mick Barrows.
Got out of prison a month ago after serving 18 years.
Too bad there's not a button to push to find out what he was gonna say.
- I was kidding. - Just because Barrows didn't get to talk...
...doesn't mean he didn't give us a lead. - I don't understand.
Barrows spent a lot of time with the Prankster.
- It had to be somebody he knew in prison. - Probably one of his cellmates.
- Why can't I think like this? - Lf it was easy, everybody would do it.
Hey, copy boy.
- Oh, my God. - Who's Kyle Griffin?
Wait a minute. Wasn't he busted five years ago...
...for selling high-tech weaponry to the Third World?
His firm did the selling, he did the designing.
Why would he be after you?
My first big story was an exposé on the illegal arms business.
It led to the FBI arresting 12 people.
Kyle was at the top of that list.
So now he's out and he wants his revenge.
But why steal a diamond and a computer chip?
It's just a guess, but they are components of high-tech weaponry.
Hey, guys! Listen to this.
One of the buildings that emptied out due to the bomb scare...
...was Whitmore Scientific Labs.
And they just found out something was stolen.
Yeah. Yeah, 4 pounds of titanium alloy...
...and something called cesium. How'd you know that?
All we can do is leave his parole officer a message.
With any luck, he'll get back with us in the morning.
Lois, you sure you don't wanna stay with Alice and me?
No, thanks, chief. I'll be fine.
It's obvious Griffin's just interested in annoying me...
...while he collects pieces for his next toy.
- Do you want me to take you home? - No, I'm fine. I promise.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
Nobody's here, right?
Everything is fine.
Everything's fine.
Oh, God, I hate this.
Oh, girl, just get a grip.
This is silly.
I have gotta get some control.
Lois?
Is that you? Lois?
- Perry? - Yeah.
I was just ready to go home and I was thinking about your situation...
...you know, with this Prankster, and I thought I'd call to see if you're okay.
Chief, I'm fine.
Haven't given it a second thought.
Attagirl. If you change your mind, Alice has that guest bedroom made up for you.
Oh, tell her that I appreciate it, that's not...
Perry?
Hi, we got cut off.
I know, I did the cutting.
Griffin, is that you?
You figured it out.
And after I went to all the trouble of killing poor Barrows.
- What do you want? - I don't know.
I wanna torment you the way you tormented me...
...when you wrote your little exposé.
And after your reputation's ruined and your life is sufficiently miserable...
...l'm gonna put you out of your misery.
Well, it's a slam dunk.
Nothing but net.
Clark!
- Lois, it's after 11. - I know. I know it's late.
I'm sorry, but I had this sudden urge for pizza and a Mel Gibson movie.
I know how much you like pizza and Lethal Weapon, so here I am.
- Great. Come in. - So, what shall we start with?
Lethal Weapon 1 or Lethal Weapon 2 or there's 3.
It's stupid at the beginning, but it gets better.
Lois, is something wrong?
Does something have to be wrong for me to spend some time with a friend?
No. No. It's all right.
One would be great.
Coming soon to a theater near you, the action-adventure of the year.
This is really great.
We should do this more often.
- What are you doing tomorrow night? - Lois.
Clark, don't.
Hello?
There's nobody there. Probably just a wrong number.
A wrong number. No problem.
That happens all the time in the big city, right?
- Lois, you wanna tell me what happened? - Nothing happened.
You know.
I mean, you know, nothing important.
- Griffin called me. - What? What did he say?
The usual. You know, he said, "Lois, hi. How are you?
Long time no see. I'm gonna kill you."
- Kill you? Did you call the police? - Clark, I am a professional reporter.
This is not the first threat I've received. These... These things, they never pan out.
Well, maybe not. But I'd feel a lot better if you stayed here tonight.
Well, if it would make you feel better, then I guess it...
Don't let me twist your arm or anything.
Clark.
I don't wanna die.
Lois, I would not let that happen.
Movie.
You know, Mel Gibson is really funny in these movies.
Yeah.
He plays a great wild man.
Sometimes I think...
...maybe I should be a little bit more of a wild man myself.
Jimmy even suggested that I wear an earring, but that's not really me, I...
What did he say?
Okay, great. Tell chief we're on it.
Thanks.
- Who was that? - That was Jimmy.
Griffin's parole officer called this morning.
The only address he has is Griffin's father's toy store.
Toy store? I thought Griffin's father was a nuclear physicist.
Didn't Griffin follow in his footsteps?
Apparently, he retired, and he's gone into the toy business.
It's not far from here.
- How'd you sleep? - I had really weird dreams.
- Maybe it's the pizza. - I doubt it.
I was a cocktail waitress, and Griffin was a bartender.
All of a sudden, he's trying to shove me in the blender...
...and I'm screaming, "We don't serve blended drinks here!"
Well, let's hope it was the pizza.
- Hey, that's my breakfast. - I'll buy you a doughnut on the way.
Do you mind if we stop by my apartment so I can change?
Oh, no, of course not.
I know you "senior journalists" have an image to uphold.
And this is my workshop.
It's where I make everything.
Now, this... This is my favorite.
It's a phone.
It's interesting.
When people return calls on this, they can say, "I'm colon you back." You get it?
Mr. Griffin, we're here to talk to you about Kyle.
- We have reason to believe... - Oh, Kyle's a good boy, Mr. Kent.
He just got caught up with the wrong crowd.
Now, here's something you're not gonna find anywhere else...
...because I make them.
You see this, this is real red clay.
It's hard to come by in these parts.
I dig it up myself over near Lunar Industrial Park.
Mr. Griffin, when was the last time you heard from your son?
Look, I realize you probably don't wanna talk to me about Kyle.
I have nothing to hide, Miss Lane.
I haven't seen Kyle since he got out of prison.
Now, here's something I just came up with...
If I were to tell you that I had...
...titanium, cesium, a diamond and a computer chip...
...what might I be making?
Well, any number of things.
Could a weapon be made from these items?
Yeah, it could. Of course...
...you'd be missing a power source. - Such as?
Well, if it were a nuclear-type device, a piece of plutonium.
The only plutonium in this city is at the toxic depository.
No, that's not entirely true, Mr. Kent. There is another place.
There's a heavy-metals processing plant out on Highway 9, I believe.
We'll split up. I'll take the processing plant.
- You've been a great help. - Oh, well, it's a pleasure.
You were right. They were just here.
In about 15 minutes, she's gonna walk right into your arms.
Perfect. Thank you.
How long is this gonna take?
Well, the interior dimension of the plant is approximately 65,000 square feet.
With an accelerated dispersion flow, taking into account any leakage from...
Fifteen minutes.
Come on!
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where the plant manager is?
The plant manager!
Hello, Lois. Having a good time?
Well, that's just fine.
Thank you for saving the last laugh for me.
Give me the box. I'll give you the babe.
If you don't mind my saying so, I think you have great legs.
I think I read somewhere that intelligent men are leg men.
Only boobs are interested in...
Well, you know.
Anyway, I think you have very shapely legs.
They're like two perfectly formed carrots.
Stop, you're embarrassing me.
They found a canister of nitrous oxide hooked to the air conditioning.
- It came through the vents. - Did they take anything?
Yeah, some of our plutonium.
I tried to stop them, but I was laughing too hard.
Do me a favor. Look like you did when you smelled the gas, huh?
Jimmy, can you take a picture of something else?
Right. Yeah.
Are you sure the two men took Miss Lane with them?
Yeah, I'm sorry. That gas stopped us from being much help.
- That's okay. Thanks. - You're welcome.
What is it?
It's little bits of red clay.
How could you see that from all the way over there?
I have a really strong prescription.
Well, is it important? Anybody could've tracked that in here.
Not anybody.
They wear those so the traces of plutonium don't stick to their shoes and get outside.
So?
So it had to come from the shoes of the men who broke in here.
Yeah, of course.
But where do you find red clay in Metropolis?
There. Oh, boy, what a great story this is gonna be.
- Too bad your paper won't publish it. - What's the Planet got to do with this?
My buyers want a demonstration, and so I was like, "I'd better decimate a building."
Then I thought, "What better building to destroy...
...than the paper that sent me to prison?" - It'll be really nifty.
See, the weapon fires this gas plasma beam that vaporizes whatever it hits.
I don't think she believes you, Victor. But maybe...
Maybe she will...
...if she sees it at work, up close and personal.
Cool, huh? I helped Kyle design it.
No, no, no, Victor. I don't think you got any future with her.
Kind of hard to have a meaningful relationship with a dead woman.
You know, the people at the Planet won't enjoy this prank as much as I will.
Nothing. All that power, and nothing happened.
Just the first salvo, Victor.
Even steel melts if it gets hot enough.
No!
- No. - Can I get you a pillow?
You're right, Victor.
I do have great legs.
- Well, I guess you don't need me. - Not this time...
...but don't leave town.
So how does it feel to see your name in lights?
I wasn't reading that. I was...
...thinking about my next story.
Hey. You two gotta hear this.
Jimmy's got a theory he's been working on.
Go ahead, son.
Well, I've been thinking about what happened.
I couldn't figure out how the Prankster knew you'd be at the plant.
And then it dawned on me.
His father was the only person who knew you were gonna be there.
So...
...he was probably in on it.
Nice work, Jimmy.
I'm proud of you, son.
I'm gonna even let you call the police. Come on.
Lois, these just came for you.
Diane, what do yellow roses mean?
I don't know. The only thing men ever give me are directions to their house.
Yellow is for friendship.
"From a special friend."
A final sick joke from Kyle Griffin.
No, wait... Lois, wait. No, no!
Those roses cost me 50 bucks.
I'm sorry.