1
00:00:02,257 --> 00:00:05,026
ANNOUNCER: And this game
is going into extra innings.
2
00:00:05,027 --> 00:00:06,828
And here we go. Who needs a pizza
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00:00:06,829 --> 00:00:09,898
when you've got a lovingly
crafted saffron risotto
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00:00:09,899 --> 00:00:11,633
with butternut squash?
5
00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:13,001
Now then...
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I toasted the rice in butter
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to bring out an intriguing nuttiness.
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00:00:16,405 --> 00:00:19,240
Then I coddled it in wine
to coax out the full flavor,
9
00:00:19,241 --> 00:00:21,475
maximizing its natural...
10
00:00:28,516 --> 00:00:30,018
- Done.
- Done.
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- Any more mashed potatoes?
- Yeah.
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It's risotto, which you would know
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if you'd let it linger in your mouth
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instead of opening your
throat like a seagull.
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Well, no more for me.
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I'm having dinner with Brooke.
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And afterwards, please
make yourself scarce.
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I'm hoping we end up back
here for a little nightcap,
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if you know what I mean.
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Yes, I always know what you mean, Oscar,
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because you only ever talk
about sex and hamburgers.
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Ah, your cologne, Oscar.
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I had to go to three stores
to find Obsession for Men.
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Apparently it's bar mitzvah season.
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00:01:02,617 --> 00:01:03,818
Hey, Felix.
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00:01:03,819 --> 00:01:05,019
Oh, hey.
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Dani and I are thinking about going
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to that new movie theater
tonight that serves alcohol.
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Oh, what's showing?
30
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I don't know; they serve alcohol.
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Sorry, I would love to,
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but I have an event here tonight.
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Oh, and don't worry, Oscar.
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We will be exiting
before you are entering,
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00:01:19,268 --> 00:01:22,237
if you know what I...
Now you've got me doing it.
36
00:01:22,238 --> 00:01:24,873
What assortment of weirdos
are you hosting tonight?
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Book club, string quartet,
paranoid old people?
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It's called Neighborhood Watch.
39
00:01:31,813 --> 00:01:34,516
And no, tonight is all about LARPing.
40
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LARPing? What's LAR...
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00:01:36,786 --> 00:01:38,518
No, no, no, no, no!
42
00:01:39,554 --> 00:01:41,556
Now he's gonna tell us what it is.
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00:01:41,557 --> 00:01:43,858
LARP stands for live action role play.
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00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:46,060
Every year my historical society and I
45
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put on an event at Ellis Island.
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We dress in turn of the century garb
47
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and recreate the immigration experience
48
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for schoolchildren.
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It is quite the educational tool.
50
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And so are you.
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00:01:57,672 --> 00:02:00,308
Thank you.
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00:02:00,309 --> 00:02:02,010
Tonight we meet and mingle
53
00:02:02,011 --> 00:02:04,145
before we enter the time
machine of our imaginations.
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You know, we're looking
for volunteers,
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if anyone would like to join us.
56
00:02:07,149 --> 00:02:08,283
Oh, that-that sounds amazing.
57
00:02:08,284 --> 00:02:11,186
You should look up "amazing."
58
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No, really.
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00:02:12,555 --> 00:02:14,522
I've a-always wanted to do that.
60
00:02:14,523 --> 00:02:17,592
You should look up "desperate."
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00:02:17,593 --> 00:02:19,360
Well, I'm so glad you're
going to join us, Emily.
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The meeting starts promptly at 7:00,
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and don't be late,
64
00:02:21,494 --> 00:02:23,164
because we'll be assigning characters
65
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and handing out diseases.
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00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:26,900
If you're lucky, you'll get syphilis.
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You should look up "lucky."
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00:02:30,972 --> 00:02:33,273
You guys really need
to get a dictionary.
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00:02:52,159 --> 00:02:55,547
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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00:03:03,489 --> 00:03:05,557
Oh, how I envy you, Emily.
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00:03:05,558 --> 00:03:06,624
It's like they say.
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You never forget your first LARP.
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00:03:07,993 --> 00:03:10,328
(chuckles)
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00:03:10,329 --> 00:03:12,797
I am liking this crowd.
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00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:16,167
Not since Space Camp
have I felt this hot.
76
00:03:16,168 --> 00:03:18,203
Felix, thanks again for hosting us.
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00:03:18,204 --> 00:03:19,604
Oh, my pleasure.
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00:03:19,605 --> 00:03:21,539
Please don't let my generosity sway you
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00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:23,241
when you're assigning
characters. Crab puff?
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00:03:23,242 --> 00:03:25,076
Ooh, my favorite.
81
00:03:25,077 --> 00:03:26,810
Really? I didn't know that.
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00:03:27,545 --> 00:03:29,481
Oh, did you hear
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00:03:29,482 --> 00:03:30,682
about Roger?
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00:03:30,683 --> 00:03:32,484
He passed away.
85
00:03:32,485 --> 00:03:36,154
Oh, no. Roger was the star
of our little reenactments.
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00:03:36,155 --> 00:03:37,889
Such a huge loss.
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00:03:37,890 --> 00:03:39,390
He was a dear man.
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00:03:39,391 --> 00:03:40,724
He will be missed.
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(whispering): Yes.
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Not a fan of Roger?
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00:03:47,166 --> 00:03:48,933
No, no, he was a nice enough fellow
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who spent the last ten years
hogging the plum role
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00:03:51,237 --> 00:03:52,403
of chief medical inspector
94
00:03:52,404 --> 00:03:53,905
while I have been clawing my way up
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00:03:53,906 --> 00:03:55,273
from Czechoslovakian mental patient
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00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:57,140
to assistant de-louser.
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00:03:58,142 --> 00:03:59,511
But now the field is wide open.
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00:03:59,512 --> 00:04:01,613
In fact, really, my
only competition is...
99
00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:02,881
Hello, everyone.
100
00:04:02,882 --> 00:04:05,216
...Stuart.
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00:04:05,217 --> 00:04:07,185
I see the tired and poor are here.
102
00:04:07,186 --> 00:04:09,886
Oh, wait... that's just the Ludermans.
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00:04:11,189 --> 00:04:13,658
Will you look at that pompous,
insufferable know-it-all.
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00:04:13,659 --> 00:04:14,792
You don't like him?
105
00:04:14,793 --> 00:04:16,060
Oh, please, he's everything
106
00:04:16,061 --> 00:04:18,061
that's not cool about LARPing.
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00:04:18,663 --> 00:04:19,764
Hello, Felix.
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00:04:19,765 --> 00:04:20,899
Stuart.
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This is my friend Emily.
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00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:24,302
Emily, Stuart.
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00:04:24,303 --> 00:04:26,070
Nice to meet you. Welcome.
112
00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:27,272
It's my home.
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00:04:27,273 --> 00:04:29,774
I welcome people.
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00:04:29,775 --> 00:04:32,644
I meant welcome to the
historical society.
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00:04:32,645 --> 00:04:34,379
It's always nice to have fresh faces,
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especially when those faces
are as pretty as yours.
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See?
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So hot.
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00:04:41,886 --> 00:04:43,922
And that's quite a beard
you've got there.
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00:04:43,923 --> 00:04:45,657
Thank you. (chuckles)
121
00:04:45,658 --> 00:04:47,659
During the 1890s, beards were popular
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amongst men of high status,
alderman, industrialists,
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00:04:51,196 --> 00:04:52,797
chief medical inspectors.
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00:04:52,798 --> 00:04:54,566
Roger is not even in the ground,
125
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:56,534
and you're growing facial
hair to try to get his role?
126
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That is disgraceful.
127
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So transparent.
128
00:05:00,573 --> 00:05:03,774
Helen, do you have a light
for my period-specific pipe?
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Here you go.
130
00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:11,783
Can I interest you two in some dessert?
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Well, you could, but I was thinking
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maybe we could go back
to my place for dessert.
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Well, I wouldn't mind
something a little sweet.
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I think I could satisfy
your sweet tooth.
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00:05:21,827 --> 00:05:25,996
Thank you for making me
a part of your foreplay.
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00:05:27,098 --> 00:05:29,033
Hey, Oscar.
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00:05:29,034 --> 00:05:31,269
- What are you doing here?
- I'm actually on a date.
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I'd like to introduce you to...
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Brooke? Hey!
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00:05:33,472 --> 00:05:35,173
Murph! (giggles)
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00:05:35,174 --> 00:05:36,808
Oh, you two know each other?
142
00:05:36,809 --> 00:05:38,076
Yeah, we go way back.
143
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God, you look great.
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You look great, too.
145
00:05:40,746 --> 00:05:42,780
How do you two know each other?
146
00:05:42,781 --> 00:05:44,382
Oh, we dated for a few months.
147
00:05:44,383 --> 00:05:45,683
He was playing for the Mets
148
00:05:45,684 --> 00:05:47,552
and I was still working
in player relations.
149
00:05:47,553 --> 00:05:49,954
Don't worry, I didn't relate
to all the players that way.
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00:05:49,955 --> 00:05:51,155
(laughter)
151
00:05:51,156 --> 00:05:54,225
Vague but alarming.
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God, it was great to see you.
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00:05:56,228 --> 00:05:58,096
I'll let you guys get
back to your meeting.
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00:05:58,097 --> 00:06:00,064
It's a date, Murph, we're on a date.
155
00:06:00,065 --> 00:06:01,499
Jessica? Hey!
156
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:03,534
Murph.
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00:06:03,535 --> 00:06:04,769
Yeah, Murph.
158
00:06:04,770 --> 00:06:06,371
He's like a brother to me.
159
00:06:06,372 --> 00:06:08,573
Is he like a brother to you?
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00:06:08,574 --> 00:06:11,209
Oscar, are you worried
about me and Murph?
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00:06:11,210 --> 00:06:13,011
Because trust me, it was nothing.
162
00:06:13,012 --> 00:06:15,179
- Oh, good.
- Yeah, we had nothing in common.
163
00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:17,614
Our relationship was purely physical.
164
00:06:20,418 --> 00:06:22,920
(weakly): Oh, good.
165
00:06:22,921 --> 00:06:24,489
We never talked or went out.
166
00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:27,025
It was the same thing
over and over and over...
167
00:06:27,026 --> 00:06:28,192
Yeah, I get it.
168
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A lot of overs.
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Compliments of that big
170
00:06:32,331 --> 00:06:34,766
mountain of hot over there.
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00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,702
You play your cards right,
you might get an upgrade.
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00:06:37,703 --> 00:06:40,303
(laughter)
173
00:06:43,775 --> 00:06:46,711
Of course, we were all sorry
to lose Roger Keaton,
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00:06:46,712 --> 00:06:49,580
who for ten years played
our chief medical inspector.
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00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:52,617
Tragic loss.
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00:06:52,618 --> 00:06:56,020
Hard to replace.
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00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:57,655
But we must move on.
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00:06:57,656 --> 00:07:00,358
So our new chief inspector is...
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00:07:00,359 --> 00:07:01,492
Felix Unger.
180
00:07:01,493 --> 00:07:03,761
Oh, yes, thank you.
181
00:07:03,762 --> 00:07:05,797
I don't know what sort
of arduous process
182
00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:07,598
resulted in my selection...
183
00:07:07,599 --> 00:07:09,434
We flipped a coin.
184
00:07:09,435 --> 00:07:11,235
...and I don't need to know,
185
00:07:11,236 --> 00:07:13,538
but thank you, gang!
186
00:07:13,539 --> 00:07:16,007
The rest of you, see
me to get your parts.
187
00:07:16,008 --> 00:07:17,475
Congratulations.
188
00:07:17,476 --> 00:07:19,577
Oh, thank you. Emily,
when I was a child,
189
00:07:19,578 --> 00:07:21,746
I was always the nerdy kid who
corrected the museum guides.
190
00:07:21,747 --> 00:07:24,514
But they can't kick me out and
make me wait on the bus now.
191
00:07:27,485 --> 00:07:29,787
- Bully for you, Felix.
- Wow, you're taking this well.
192
00:07:29,788 --> 00:07:31,789
(in Irish brogue): After
the potato famine,
193
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:34,192
I'm just lucky to be alive.
194
00:07:34,193 --> 00:07:35,660
I see you're playing the Irish butcher.
195
00:07:35,661 --> 00:07:38,496
Fun. Common man.
196
00:07:38,497 --> 00:07:42,100
And you, lassie, are going
to be my lovely bride.
197
00:07:42,101 --> 00:07:44,734
Aarr!
198
00:07:46,137 --> 00:07:47,538
I don't...
199
00:07:47,539 --> 00:07:48,873
That was...
200
00:07:48,874 --> 00:07:50,574
A pirate came out.
201
00:07:52,910 --> 00:07:55,379
We will get you some dialect tapes
202
00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:56,848
so you're historically accurate.
203
00:07:56,849 --> 00:07:58,449
Okay, or you could coach me.
204
00:07:58,450 --> 00:08:00,618
(in Indian accent):
We could go to an Irish pub
205
00:08:00,619 --> 00:08:01,953
and share a pint of ale.
206
00:08:01,954 --> 00:08:04,589
(in normal voice):
Nope, that is Indian.
207
00:08:04,590 --> 00:08:06,524
I'm sorry, I would love to,
but chief medical inspector
208
00:08:06,525 --> 00:08:08,693
is a big part and I've only got
three days to learn it, so...
209
00:08:08,694 --> 00:08:10,294
Oh, okay.
210
00:08:10,295 --> 00:08:12,029
I'd love to buy you a pint, Emily.
211
00:08:12,030 --> 00:08:14,098
Really?
212
00:08:14,099 --> 00:08:16,400
Yeah. We could figure out our backstory.
213
00:08:16,401 --> 00:08:17,902
Where we're from, how we met...
214
00:08:17,903 --> 00:08:19,137
You saved me from a leprechaun.
215
00:08:19,138 --> 00:08:21,438
What's real, what's fake.
216
00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:23,674
Okay.
217
00:08:23,675 --> 00:08:24,876
Sounds like fun.
218
00:08:24,877 --> 00:08:26,110
How about we make it dinner?
219
00:08:26,111 --> 00:08:28,079
We can toast to our marriage.
220
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,449
Felix, are you sure you're okay
if we leave the party early?
221
00:08:31,450 --> 00:08:33,050
Because I can stay.
222
00:08:33,051 --> 00:08:34,318
Oh, no.
223
00:08:34,319 --> 00:08:35,853
By all means.
224
00:08:35,854 --> 00:08:36,988
Have fun.
225
00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,455
I will.
226
00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:45,362
Oh, damn this pipe!
227
00:08:47,398 --> 00:08:49,534
TEDDY: Madison needs
to sink this to win.
228
00:08:49,535 --> 00:08:50,868
Putts are breaking left to right,
229
00:08:50,869 --> 00:08:52,170
following the vacuum patterns
230
00:08:52,171 --> 00:08:53,637
of his anal-retentive roommate.
231
00:08:54,672 --> 00:08:56,674
The crowd falls
232
00:08:56,675 --> 00:08:58,075
to a respectful hush, and...
233
00:08:58,076 --> 00:09:00,210
Miss it!
234
00:09:01,379 --> 00:09:02,847
Good day, Oscar.
235
00:09:02,848 --> 00:09:04,415
Theodore.
236
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,883
Hey, what's up, Sergeant Pepper?
237
00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:11,155
For the next 24 hours, while
I perfect my character,
238
00:09:11,156 --> 00:09:13,891
I must ask that you address
me by my proper title.
239
00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:15,827
Dorkwad?
240
00:09:15,828 --> 00:09:19,197
Chief Medical Inspector
Gideon Granville-Fletchley.
241
00:09:19,198 --> 00:09:21,432
So Inspector Dorkwad.
242
00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:24,168
Teddy, can we watch the
game at your place?
243
00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:25,903
No, Murph is coming here with the food.
244
00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:27,772
Oh, right, Murph.
245
00:09:27,773 --> 00:09:30,374
I found out a fun fact
about Murph the other day.
246
00:09:30,375 --> 00:09:32,610
Turns out he used to date Brooke.
247
00:09:32,611 --> 00:09:34,512
- Uh-oh.
- Gadzooks.
248
00:09:34,513 --> 00:09:37,582
Talk about a tough act to follow.
249
00:09:37,583 --> 00:09:39,884
No, what's the big deal?
It was years ago.
250
00:09:39,885 --> 00:09:41,652
Back when Murph was
younger and stronger?
251
00:09:41,653 --> 00:09:43,621
Remember his underwear
ad in Times Square?
252
00:09:43,622 --> 00:09:45,556
Damn.
253
00:09:45,557 --> 00:09:48,825
Cast a shadow all the
way to 48th Street.
254
00:09:49,994 --> 00:09:51,395
You must've been pretty nervous
255
00:09:51,396 --> 00:09:53,965
when you brought her home last night.
256
00:09:53,966 --> 00:09:55,700
I was so nervous I
didn't bring her home.
257
00:09:55,701 --> 00:09:57,969
I told her it was late
and I had to turn in.
258
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,070
Ah, I would have bailed, too.
259
00:09:59,071 --> 00:10:00,471
I mean, how can you compete
260
00:10:00,472 --> 00:10:02,506
with a powerhouse like Murph?
261
00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:04,976
Oh, that's, that's interesting.
You see Murph as a powerhouse?
262
00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,544
- Yeah, well, he was a professional
athlete. - True, true.
263
00:10:06,545 --> 00:10:08,546
But I always pictured him
as sort of a gentle lover.
264
00:10:08,547 --> 00:10:10,214
- Uh-huh. - Confident enough
to embrace his tender side.
265
00:10:10,215 --> 00:10:11,616
Ah.
266
00:10:11,617 --> 00:10:13,284
What's happening right now?
267
00:10:13,285 --> 00:10:15,486
I see your point, but I'm just saying,
268
00:10:15,487 --> 00:10:17,388
I mean, when you're talking
about raw power...
269
00:10:17,389 --> 00:10:18,956
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
270
00:10:18,957 --> 00:10:20,725
...you know he can drop
that hammer. Damn.
271
00:10:20,726 --> 00:10:22,994
(door opens)
272
00:10:22,995 --> 00:10:24,195
Hey.
273
00:10:24,196 --> 00:10:25,263
What are you guys talking about?
274
00:10:25,264 --> 00:10:26,631
- Nothing.
- The usual.
275
00:10:26,632 --> 00:10:28,633
Sex and hamburgers.
276
00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:30,301
I picked up the sandwiches.
277
00:10:30,302 --> 00:10:31,736
Teddy.
278
00:10:31,737 --> 00:10:34,472
Oscar.
279
00:10:34,473 --> 00:10:37,642
And this one is all me.
280
00:10:37,643 --> 00:10:39,642
Damn.
281
00:10:43,614 --> 00:10:45,416
Oh, Dani.
282
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:47,551
You sure you don't want to come
experience living history?
283
00:10:47,552 --> 00:10:50,288
I don't think you want my take
on the immigrant experience.
284
00:10:50,289 --> 00:10:52,589
(knocking)
285
00:10:54,926 --> 00:10:57,328
(in Irish brogue):
Good morning, Inspector.
286
00:10:57,329 --> 00:11:01,132
And may Mary and the angels
bless the work that you do.
287
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,300
Oh, wow.
288
00:11:02,301 --> 00:11:04,402
Your accent has really improved.
289
00:11:04,403 --> 00:11:07,071
- (in normal voice): Stuart's
been helping me. - Really?
290
00:11:07,072 --> 00:11:09,240
Yeah, she and Stuart have gone
on a couple of dates now.
291
00:11:09,241 --> 00:11:11,309
Yeah, he took me for Korean
barbecue the other night.
292
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:14,011
It's so fun. You get
to cook your own food.
293
00:11:14,012 --> 00:11:15,513
Hmm. Maybe next he'll
take you to a restaurant
294
00:11:15,514 --> 00:11:17,981
where you get to bus your own tables.
295
00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:22,053
I'm gonna get my boots and we can go.
296
00:11:22,054 --> 00:11:23,721
Nicely played.
297
00:11:23,722 --> 00:11:24,689
What do you mean?
298
00:11:24,690 --> 00:11:25,790
Dating Stuart is obviously
299
00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:27,558
making Felix jealous.
300
00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:28,926
Oh, that's not why I'm dating him.
301
00:11:28,927 --> 00:11:30,361
Stuart's a great guy.
302
00:11:30,362 --> 00:11:32,463
He's nice, he's smart.
303
00:11:32,464 --> 00:11:35,366
He thinks I'm super hot.
304
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:37,034
He makes Felix jealous.
305
00:11:37,035 --> 00:11:39,270
Well, if that is a side effect,
306
00:11:39,271 --> 00:11:41,539
then so be it.
307
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:44,707
Emily, this business with Stuart.
308
00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:49,347
I've remained quiet about
it, but I don't like it.
309
00:11:49,348 --> 00:11:50,815
Oh?
310
00:11:50,816 --> 00:11:53,417
Oh.
311
00:11:53,418 --> 00:11:56,486
I'm not a part of this.
312
00:11:58,289 --> 00:12:01,726
So... what don't you like about it?
313
00:12:01,727 --> 00:12:03,127
Isn't it obvious?
314
00:12:03,128 --> 00:12:04,428
Stuart has an agenda.
315
00:12:04,429 --> 00:12:05,596
He's only dating you to get to me.
316
00:12:05,597 --> 00:12:07,697
- What?
- What?!
317
00:12:08,866 --> 00:12:10,568
I'm just gonna walk into the kitchen
318
00:12:10,569 --> 00:12:13,838
for no apparent reason.
319
00:12:13,839 --> 00:12:15,239
He's jealous that I got the role.
320
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,540
And now he's infiltrating my world.
321
00:12:16,541 --> 00:12:18,075
And trying to steal all of my friends.
322
00:12:18,076 --> 00:12:20,044
So, you think that's the only reason
323
00:12:20,045 --> 00:12:21,912
why he would date me?
324
00:12:21,913 --> 00:12:23,381
Not because he likes me?
325
00:12:23,382 --> 00:12:25,549
Or because he finds me interesting?
326
00:12:25,550 --> 00:12:27,885
Or super hot?
327
00:12:27,886 --> 00:12:30,521
- No, I-I wasn't trying...
- To be mean?
328
00:12:30,522 --> 00:12:33,057
Well, you were.
329
00:12:33,058 --> 00:12:35,059
You can catch your own cab.
I'll see you there.
330
00:12:35,060 --> 00:12:38,729
Wait, wait. Your peasant rags.
331
00:12:38,730 --> 00:12:41,264
That is my regular sweater!
332
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,971
- Hey, Dani.
- Hey! Oh.
333
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,773
I thought I gave those
pants to Goodwill.
334
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,440
And Goodwill gave them back.
335
00:12:57,228 --> 00:12:57,894
Well, I definitely
336
00:12:57,895 --> 00:12:59,464
don't think you should wear
those for your date tonight.
337
00:12:59,465 --> 00:13:00,931
Oh, I think I'm gonna cancel that.
338
00:13:00,932 --> 00:13:03,434
Aw, is it because she slept with Murph?
339
00:13:03,435 --> 00:13:06,904
I heard it from Inspector
Granville in the kitchen.
340
00:13:06,905 --> 00:13:08,672
Why is dating so complicated?
341
00:13:08,673 --> 00:13:10,474
Sometimes I miss being married.
342
00:13:10,475 --> 00:13:12,376
You don't have to compete with anybody.
343
00:13:12,377 --> 00:13:15,045
You barely have to try.
344
00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:17,081
Would you like a woman's opinion?
345
00:13:17,082 --> 00:13:19,315
I already got one. I spoke to Felix.
346
00:13:21,819 --> 00:13:24,154
You don't have to be
threatened by Murph.
347
00:13:24,155 --> 00:13:27,191
A lot of times, guys like
that aren't the best in bed.
348
00:13:27,192 --> 00:13:28,526
- Really?
- Yeah!
349
00:13:28,527 --> 00:13:29,793
Super hot guys don't think
350
00:13:29,794 --> 00:13:31,128
they have to make a woman feel special.
351
00:13:31,129 --> 00:13:32,863
Once I dated this gorgeous fireman.
352
00:13:32,864 --> 00:13:34,098
He thought he'd done his job
353
00:13:34,099 --> 00:13:35,866
just by showing up and looking pretty.
354
00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:38,369
So, he didn't hustle?
Because I'm all hustle.
355
00:13:38,370 --> 00:13:39,603
And that's important.
356
00:13:39,604 --> 00:13:40,871
Just make Brooke think
357
00:13:40,872 --> 00:13:42,840
she's the only person on your mind.
358
00:13:42,841 --> 00:13:44,875
- I can do that.
- Yeah, of course you can.
359
00:13:44,876 --> 00:13:47,011
Now, get on out there and
make some sweet love.
360
00:13:47,012 --> 00:13:49,446
(groans) Yeah, I thought
that'd be funny.
361
00:13:49,447 --> 00:13:53,016
But I really regret it now.
362
00:13:58,556 --> 00:14:00,824
And so, Svetlana Korsak
363
00:14:00,825 --> 00:14:03,360
of Novosibirsk, Russia,
364
00:14:03,361 --> 00:14:05,930
I find that you are neither an anarchist
365
00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:09,667
nor a mental defective.
366
00:14:09,668 --> 00:14:12,336
Welcome to America.
367
00:14:12,337 --> 00:14:14,371
Spasibo.
368
00:14:14,372 --> 00:14:15,739
Or as my new country say,
369
00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:17,940
thank you.
370
00:14:19,843 --> 00:14:21,745
And does anybody have
questions for the inspector?
371
00:14:21,746 --> 00:14:22,846
Yes.
372
00:14:22,847 --> 00:14:24,014
My dad says immigrants
373
00:14:24,015 --> 00:14:25,848
are ruining this country.
374
00:14:27,051 --> 00:14:29,485
And you're off to the snack bar!
375
00:14:30,854 --> 00:14:32,456
Great job, people.
376
00:14:32,457 --> 00:14:35,224
The last group's coming
through in ten minutes.
377
00:14:36,827 --> 00:14:38,529
Emily?
378
00:14:38,530 --> 00:14:40,598
Felix.
379
00:14:40,599 --> 00:14:43,200
Well done. I mean, I-I have
seen wretched refuse before.
380
00:14:43,201 --> 00:14:45,868
But you were truly the most wretched.
381
00:14:46,904 --> 00:14:48,272
Which was meant to be a compliment.
382
00:14:48,273 --> 00:14:50,708
Which was leading up to an apology.
383
00:14:50,709 --> 00:14:52,776
You don't have to apologize.
384
00:14:52,777 --> 00:14:54,678
Thanks to you, I met a really great guy,
385
00:14:54,679 --> 00:14:56,747
who is taking me to the Brooklyn Beard
386
00:14:56,748 --> 00:14:59,215
and Mustache Fest tonight.
387
00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:02,486
That was fun, Felix.
388
00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:04,021
You make a great inspector.
389
00:15:04,022 --> 00:15:05,155
Oh, thanks, Kerry.
390
00:15:05,156 --> 00:15:07,191
Your accent's come a long way.
391
00:15:07,192 --> 00:15:10,894
You hardly sound like Count
Chocula at all anymore.
392
00:15:10,895 --> 00:15:12,763
It's all thanks to Stuart.
393
00:15:12,764 --> 00:15:14,932
He's a great dialect coach.
394
00:15:14,933 --> 00:15:18,435
Last night, he was doing
an accent in his sleep.
395
00:15:18,436 --> 00:15:20,070
Wait.
396
00:15:20,071 --> 00:15:22,106
You and Stuart are dating?
397
00:15:22,107 --> 00:15:23,440
I'm not supposed to talk about it.
398
00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:25,154
He doesn't like to mix our love life
399
00:15:25,155 --> 00:15:27,466
and our LARP life.
400
00:15:27,646 --> 00:15:29,279
Okay, next group's just arrived.
401
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:30,781
Inspector, look alive.
402
00:15:30,782 --> 00:15:34,217
Immigrants, look barely alive.
403
00:15:35,786 --> 00:15:38,454
(moans)
404
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,791
Yeah.
405
00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:43,394
Yes, this is hot.
406
00:15:43,395 --> 00:15:45,195
It is hot.
407
00:15:45,196 --> 00:15:47,064
Oh, Oscar!
408
00:15:47,065 --> 00:15:48,865
Oh, Murph!
409
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:54,538
No, I didn't!
410
00:15:54,539 --> 00:15:56,140
Yes, you did.
411
00:15:56,141 --> 00:15:57,808
You called me Murph.
412
00:15:57,809 --> 00:15:59,476
No, I called you Nerf.
413
00:15:59,477 --> 00:16:01,412
'Cause you're soft and squishy
414
00:16:01,413 --> 00:16:03,446
like a child's football.
415
00:16:04,281 --> 00:16:05,783
All right, I called you Murph.
416
00:16:05,784 --> 00:16:08,085
Oh, my God! Why?
417
00:16:08,086 --> 00:16:10,087
Were you thinking about
Murph while we were...?
418
00:16:10,088 --> 00:16:11,922
No! No! I mean yes.
419
00:16:11,923 --> 00:16:14,625
But not in that way.
420
00:16:14,626 --> 00:16:16,326
Ever since I heard about you and Murph,
421
00:16:16,327 --> 00:16:19,496
I've been worried about how I would...
422
00:16:19,497 --> 00:16:21,999
compare.
423
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,200
Really?
424
00:16:23,201 --> 00:16:24,702
I know, I shouldn't have.
425
00:16:24,703 --> 00:16:26,903
Should I have?
426
00:16:28,172 --> 00:16:30,374
Oscar, you have nothing to worry about.
427
00:16:30,375 --> 00:16:33,277
And I like that you're
being vulnerable with me.
428
00:16:33,278 --> 00:16:35,646
I never had that kind
of connection with Murph.
429
00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:37,647
Good.
430
00:16:42,052 --> 00:16:45,289
'Cause the guys had me all worried.
431
00:16:45,290 --> 00:16:47,424
Teddy and Felix were like,
432
00:16:47,425 --> 00:16:48,792
"Brooke's done it with Murph?
433
00:16:48,793 --> 00:16:50,527
"That guy can really
bring down the hammer.
434
00:16:50,528 --> 00:16:52,429
Damn!"
435
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:53,530
Really?
436
00:16:53,531 --> 00:16:54,965
And then my assistant said
437
00:16:54,966 --> 00:16:57,000
that hot guys don't make good lovers.
438
00:16:57,001 --> 00:16:58,769
And then my barber, who's pretty hot,
439
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:01,905
but not as hot as Murph, agreed.
440
00:17:01,906 --> 00:17:05,209
I shouldn't have said
that last part, huh?
441
00:17:05,210 --> 00:17:06,910
You've talked to a lot
of people about Murph.
442
00:17:06,911 --> 00:17:08,912
Maybe you should talk
to a therapist, too.
443
00:17:08,913 --> 00:17:10,748
Because clearly you're obsessed.
444
00:17:10,749 --> 00:17:12,750
Well, I was just...
445
00:17:12,751 --> 00:17:15,385
feeling so vulnerable.
446
00:17:15,386 --> 00:17:17,721
Nope. Not gonna work twice.
447
00:17:17,722 --> 00:17:18,822
Well, what about the kissing?
448
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,524
How did I compare with Murph?
449
00:17:20,525 --> 00:17:24,428
The guys are gonna want to know!
450
00:17:24,429 --> 00:17:26,430
You will do well here
451
00:17:26,431 --> 00:17:27,931
if you work hard
452
00:17:27,932 --> 00:17:29,967
and keep your nose clean.
453
00:17:29,968 --> 00:17:31,668
And that's good advice to
all of us, boys and girls.
454
00:17:31,669 --> 00:17:34,438
Because nasal health
is no laughing matter.
455
00:17:34,439 --> 00:17:36,273
Welcome...
456
00:17:36,274 --> 00:17:39,042
to America!
457
00:17:39,043 --> 00:17:40,277
Who's next?
458
00:17:40,278 --> 00:17:42,379
'Tis I, Rowan O'Flannery.
459
00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:44,948
A humble butcher from County Cork.
460
00:17:44,949 --> 00:17:46,717
And my wife Colleen,
461
00:17:46,718 --> 00:17:50,220
who is ripe with child.
462
00:17:50,221 --> 00:17:52,022
We are faint from hunger.
463
00:17:52,023 --> 00:17:55,725
Fleeing from the potato phantom.
464
00:17:57,027 --> 00:17:58,395
It's "famine."
465
00:17:58,396 --> 00:18:00,731
Oh, that makes a lot more sense.
466
00:18:00,732 --> 00:18:03,700
We have taken this long voyage
467
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:05,402
to make sure that
468
00:18:05,403 --> 00:18:09,505
our baby will be born American.
469
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:15,846
Not so fast!
470
00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:17,381
What are you doing?
This isn't in the script.
471
00:18:17,382 --> 00:18:18,749
FELIX: Well!
472
00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:19,883
It's my job to make sure
473
00:18:19,884 --> 00:18:21,318
that you have the moral fortitude
474
00:18:21,319 --> 00:18:23,520
to be an American.
475
00:18:23,521 --> 00:18:26,956
For example, have you laid with
a woman who is not your wife?
476
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:31,094
How dare you impugn my character, sir!
477
00:18:31,095 --> 00:18:34,431
That is a boldface lie!
478
00:18:34,432 --> 00:18:36,300
Is it? You haven't been consorting
479
00:18:36,301 --> 00:18:38,301
with a certain busty Russian?!
480
00:18:41,338 --> 00:18:42,439
What is he talking about, Stuart?
481
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,807
He is two-timing you.
482
00:18:43,808 --> 00:18:46,410
He is a cad and a bounder!
483
00:18:46,411 --> 00:18:50,446
Entry de... nied!
484
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:53,917
This is why we can't talk
485
00:18:53,918 --> 00:18:55,252
about our relationship?
486
00:18:55,253 --> 00:18:57,354
So you can cheat on me?
487
00:18:57,355 --> 00:19:00,290
Kerry, wait!
488
00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:03,160
Okay, kids, time for the snack bar.
489
00:19:03,161 --> 00:19:06,396
Freedom fries for everyone!
490
00:19:06,397 --> 00:19:09,132
You're done here.
491
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:10,167
What about next month's LARP?
492
00:19:10,168 --> 00:19:12,068
Oh, you can forget the Alamo.
493
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:16,173
Well, thank you for humiliating me.
494
00:19:16,174 --> 00:19:19,543
Don't you mean thank you for
saving you from that phony?
495
00:19:19,544 --> 00:19:20,944
I can take care of myself.
496
00:19:20,945 --> 00:19:22,412
Uh, obviously you can't.
497
00:19:22,413 --> 00:19:24,047
And thanks to you, I've
lost my inspectorship.
498
00:19:24,048 --> 00:19:26,149
Oh, no!
499
00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:29,686
The history dweebs will
have to find a new king!
500
00:19:29,687 --> 00:19:31,788
Oh, come on, you have to
admit this is ridiculous.
501
00:19:31,789 --> 00:19:32,990
Then why did you volunteer for it?
502
00:19:32,991 --> 00:19:34,725
Because you asked me.
503
00:19:34,726 --> 00:19:36,627
Because you're my friend and
I wanted to share it with you!
504
00:19:36,628 --> 00:19:38,729
Well, you're my friend and
I wanted to support you!
505
00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:40,697
Which is what makes you
such a wonderful person!
506
00:19:40,698 --> 00:19:42,332
Thank you for noticing!
507
00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:43,867
And you deserve someone better than him!
508
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:45,068
It seems like we're sharing
509
00:19:45,069 --> 00:19:46,169
a really nice moment!
510
00:19:46,170 --> 00:19:47,937
It does!
511
00:19:51,208 --> 00:19:53,143
Should I get us some
lattes for the ferry?
512
00:19:53,144 --> 00:19:55,145
That would be great.
I'll save you a seat.
513
00:19:55,146 --> 00:19:55,979
I'll see you there.
514
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,848
Oh. (laughs)
515
00:20:03,253 --> 00:20:05,122
We still on for Beard Fest?
516
00:20:05,123 --> 00:20:08,992
There's a goatee petting zoo.
517
00:20:08,993 --> 00:20:10,494
Ew.
518
00:20:10,495 --> 00:20:12,395
Fair enough. See you on the ferry.
519
00:20:21,856 --> 00:20:23,324
Farewell, Chief Medical Inspector
520
00:20:23,325 --> 00:20:25,760
Gideon Granville-Fletchley.
521
00:20:25,761 --> 00:20:28,241
Till I sew you into an outfit
522
00:20:28,242 --> 00:20:31,278
for the Renaissance Faire.
523
00:20:31,279 --> 00:20:33,346
I guess we both got rejected tonight.
524
00:20:33,347 --> 00:20:35,649
Me by a woman and...
525
00:20:35,650 --> 00:20:39,151
you by the dregs of society.
526
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,222
Well, hope you've learned the dangers
527
00:20:42,223 --> 00:20:44,157
of comparing yourself to other people.
528
00:20:44,158 --> 00:20:46,847
We don't need to worry about how
our friends are in the bedroom.
529
00:20:46,848 --> 00:20:48,328
It's not like we sit around wondering
530
00:20:48,329 --> 00:20:49,496
about Teddy's sex life.
531
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:51,130
(laughs): No, we don't.
532
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:56,736
Although I'm guessing he
would be pretty conservative.
533
00:20:56,737 --> 00:20:58,438
That was my first thought,
but I could see him
534
00:20:58,439 --> 00:20:59,639
being pretty playful.
535
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:00,807
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
536
00:21:00,808 --> 00:21:01,875
I could see Teddy into a bit
537
00:21:01,876 --> 00:21:02,876
of role-playing, you know?
538
00:21:02,877 --> 00:21:03,910
Surprising the wife
539
00:21:03,911 --> 00:21:05,577
as a delivery man or a plumber.
540
00:21:07,180 --> 00:21:11,117
I understand you need
someone to fix a leak.
541
00:21:11,118 --> 00:21:13,719
But my husband's not home.
542
00:21:15,555 --> 00:21:18,229
Somebody here ordered a pizza?
543
00:21:20,636 --> 00:21:27,698
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