1 00:00:02,304 --> 00:00:03,940 Thank you for showing me how to do this. 2 00:00:03,941 --> 00:00:05,185 You are really good at it. 3 00:00:05,186 --> 00:00:07,487 As a boy, I would practice with my imaginary friend. 4 00:00:07,488 --> 00:00:09,522 A stern but loving German housekeeper. 5 00:00:10,891 --> 00:00:12,726 Boy, I hope people don't talk. 6 00:00:12,727 --> 00:00:15,962 You know, 'cause the sheets are between us. 7 00:00:15,963 --> 00:00:18,832 Instead of us being between the sheets. 8 00:00:18,833 --> 00:00:21,192 Which is something people would talk about. 9 00:00:21,193 --> 00:00:22,177 Can you imagine? 10 00:00:22,178 --> 00:00:23,532 I haven't. 11 00:00:28,274 --> 00:00:31,577 Oscar, how many times have I told you...? 12 00:00:31,578 --> 00:00:33,579 Don't... 13 00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:36,215 Don't. 14 00:00:38,685 --> 00:00:40,085 Okay, what happened? 15 00:00:40,086 --> 00:00:41,220 I'll tell you what happened. 16 00:00:41,221 --> 00:00:42,955 I'm being audited by the IRS. 17 00:00:42,956 --> 00:00:43,883 Oh, no. 18 00:00:43,884 --> 00:00:45,624 From five years ago... I mean, what the hell? 19 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:47,426 - Well, maybe... - I'll tell you what the hell. 20 00:00:47,427 --> 00:00:49,194 Somebody's got it out for me. 21 00:00:49,195 --> 00:00:50,996 Probably some government lackey 22 00:00:50,997 --> 00:00:52,898 who's trying to make a name for himself 23 00:00:52,899 --> 00:00:54,919 by bringing down a big celebrity. 24 00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:57,702 Me. 25 00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,704 Oh. 26 00:00:59,705 --> 00:01:02,507 Uh, Oscar, you and your ex-wife filed jointly that year. 27 00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:04,409 You're gonna have to go down there with her. 28 00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:06,076 Felix? 29 00:01:11,082 --> 00:01:12,784 Hey, you know what might distract him? 30 00:01:12,785 --> 00:01:14,119 Show him your folding trick. 31 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,554 I'm not in the mood for your sheet right now. 32 00:01:16,555 --> 00:01:18,657 Oscar, it's gonna be just fine. 33 00:01:18,658 --> 00:01:20,458 You know what, I made a cherry pie; get yourself a piece. 34 00:01:20,459 --> 00:01:21,860 My God, what have I done? 35 00:01:21,861 --> 00:01:23,228 What do you mean? 36 00:01:23,229 --> 00:01:24,696 I think there is the slightest chance 37 00:01:24,697 --> 00:01:26,231 that I might possibly bear the tiniest amount 38 00:01:26,232 --> 00:01:27,732 of responsibility for this. 39 00:01:27,733 --> 00:01:29,768 I don't understand why the IRS would call me in. 40 00:01:29,769 --> 00:01:31,336 My tax return is above reproach. 41 00:01:31,337 --> 00:01:33,271 Uh, give me a second to find your case. 42 00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:34,672 Oh, it's a case. 43 00:01:34,673 --> 00:01:36,441 Is it the case of the conscientious citizen? 44 00:01:36,442 --> 00:01:37,609 Because that's what I am. 45 00:01:37,610 --> 00:01:38,810 Meanwhile, 46 00:01:38,811 --> 00:01:40,445 as you vultures persecute the innocent, 47 00:01:40,446 --> 00:01:42,914 your average Joe Sixpack is rounding off numbers 48 00:01:42,915 --> 00:01:45,783 and fudging receipts, and no one looks at him twice. 49 00:01:45,784 --> 00:01:48,920 I'm not familiar with, uh, Mr. Sixpack. 50 00:01:48,921 --> 00:01:51,122 It's a figure of speech. 51 00:01:51,123 --> 00:01:52,523 I was actually thinking about my roommate. 52 00:01:52,524 --> 00:01:53,992 I keep saying to him, "One of these days, 53 00:01:53,993 --> 00:01:55,460 they're gonna get you, Oscar Madison!" 54 00:01:55,461 --> 00:01:56,828 He just laughs. 55 00:01:56,829 --> 00:01:59,697 Well, who's laughing now? 56 00:01:59,698 --> 00:02:01,532 I guess it's still him. 57 00:02:01,533 --> 00:02:02,900 Okay, found your return. 58 00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:04,502 Looks like we need your signature. 59 00:02:04,503 --> 00:02:06,671 What? 60 00:02:06,672 --> 00:02:07,939 You just forgot to sign it. 61 00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:09,607 Oh. 62 00:02:09,608 --> 00:02:11,142 Silly me. 63 00:02:11,143 --> 00:02:13,910 Hey, sorry about the whole vultures thing. 64 00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:18,616 I'm sorry that I got my dander up. 65 00:02:18,617 --> 00:02:20,651 Guess this case is closed. 66 00:02:20,652 --> 00:02:22,186 Uh, hold on. 67 00:02:22,187 --> 00:02:24,488 Uh, this Oscar Madison, he's your roommate? 68 00:02:24,489 --> 00:02:26,190 Can I contact him at this address? 69 00:02:26,191 --> 00:02:27,224 Hmm? 70 00:02:27,225 --> 00:02:29,460 Oh. No. 71 00:02:29,461 --> 00:02:31,428 Uh, you can't, because he moved. 72 00:02:31,429 --> 00:02:33,831 And changed his name. 73 00:02:33,832 --> 00:02:35,231 And his sex. 74 00:02:36,267 --> 00:02:39,270 Goes by Rhonda now. 75 00:02:39,271 --> 00:02:41,971 Rhonda Pencil-Cup. 76 00:02:42,873 --> 00:02:45,109 Good day! 77 00:02:45,110 --> 00:02:46,410 Oscar is gonna blow his top 78 00:02:46,411 --> 00:02:47,678 when he finds out this is my fault. 79 00:02:47,679 --> 00:02:49,680 Who says he has to find out? 80 00:02:49,681 --> 00:02:51,649 Well, because I know myself. 81 00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:53,617 I have no choice but to clear my conscience. 82 00:02:53,618 --> 00:02:55,719 There is nothing stronger than the Unger integrity. 83 00:02:57,021 --> 00:02:59,023 Oscar? 84 00:02:59,024 --> 00:03:01,825 What? 85 00:03:01,826 --> 00:03:04,527 There's ice cream, too. 86 00:03:19,692 --> 00:03:26,034 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 87 00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:33,554 Help me go through these receipts before Gaby gets here. 88 00:03:33,555 --> 00:03:35,830 Did we discuss business at Cafe Bistro? 89 00:03:35,831 --> 00:03:38,199 Yeah, that's where we negotiated your last contract. 90 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,201 And then did we continue that discussion 91 00:03:40,202 --> 00:03:44,037 while enjoying drinks and exotic dances at The Jiffy Boob? 92 00:03:45,774 --> 00:03:47,809 Yeah, that's where you signed the contract. 93 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,110 Remember? 94 00:03:49,111 --> 00:03:51,771 Cinnamon let us use her back as a table. 95 00:03:53,382 --> 00:03:54,982 It's her. 96 00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:57,619 Hi, Felix. 97 00:03:57,620 --> 00:03:59,154 Gaby, you look radiant. 98 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:00,988 It's mostly rage, but thanks. 99 00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,993 Well, hello, Oscar. 100 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:08,396 Hey, Gab. So where are we on the hugging situation? 101 00:04:08,397 --> 00:04:10,832 Well, since I want to murder you right now, 102 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,368 the thought of touching you makes me sick. 103 00:04:13,369 --> 00:04:16,069 Wow, it's like you never left. 104 00:04:16,871 --> 00:04:18,473 Hey, Teddy, you look great. 105 00:04:18,474 --> 00:04:19,974 Tell Diane that. 106 00:04:19,975 --> 00:04:22,635 She keeps leaving gym memberships under my pillow. 107 00:04:23,945 --> 00:04:26,913 Oh, look, 60% of my money is hugging. 108 00:04:27,949 --> 00:04:30,718 Wow, so this is what our apartment looks like 109 00:04:30,719 --> 00:04:32,119 without the mess. 110 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,754 Felix, you worked wonders. 111 00:04:33,755 --> 00:04:35,056 Thank you. 112 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,591 I've done a lot of cleaning in my life, 113 00:04:36,592 --> 00:04:38,892 but this... this was my Everest. 114 00:04:40,928 --> 00:04:42,496 Well, I guess we're all experts 115 00:04:42,497 --> 00:04:44,665 at cleaning up Oscar's messes, aren't we? 116 00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:46,200 Isn't that why I'm here? 117 00:04:46,201 --> 00:04:48,169 You are aware I had other things to do today. 118 00:04:48,170 --> 00:04:50,137 Yes, I hear there are some people out there 119 00:04:50,138 --> 00:04:51,839 who still feel good about themselves. 120 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,176 Oh, it's so nice to see you two back together again. 121 00:04:55,177 --> 00:04:58,245 Really makes me appreciate my boring, stable marriage. 122 00:04:58,246 --> 00:05:01,180 By the way, never write that on an anniversary card. 123 00:05:02,883 --> 00:05:06,553 I'll go get my tax records and be right back. 124 00:05:06,554 --> 00:05:08,822 Oh, hey, if you find the best years of my life in there, 125 00:05:08,823 --> 00:05:10,456 can I get them back? 126 00:05:12,192 --> 00:05:13,560 Honestly. 127 00:05:13,561 --> 00:05:16,063 The one year I let Oscar do our taxes. 128 00:05:16,064 --> 00:05:18,265 Gaby, let's not be too hard on Oscar. 129 00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:22,202 Audits happen for lots of reasons. 130 00:05:22,203 --> 00:05:25,005 You think the IRS just randomly chose his name? 131 00:05:25,006 --> 00:05:27,666 No, there's no one to blame here but Oscar. 132 00:05:29,676 --> 00:05:31,777 As far as we know. 133 00:05:33,714 --> 00:05:35,682 Okay, they want me to describe my personality 134 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,993 so they can match me up with the perfect man. 135 00:05:37,994 --> 00:05:38,685 Mm. 136 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,554 - Uh, well, I'm intelligent. - Mm-hmm. 137 00:05:40,555 --> 00:05:42,422 - I'm whimsical. - Yeah, you are. 138 00:05:42,423 --> 00:05:43,790 - I'm hopeful. - Uh-huh. 139 00:05:43,791 --> 00:05:45,425 - Cautious. - Got to be. 140 00:05:45,426 --> 00:05:46,793 - Doubtful. - Mm. 141 00:05:46,794 --> 00:05:49,229 Frustrated, angry, self-destructive. 142 00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:52,299 I hate myself, forget it. 143 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,334 Why are you looking to date other guys 144 00:05:54,335 --> 00:05:55,869 when you clearly like Felix? 145 00:05:55,870 --> 00:05:57,003 Yeah, I'm moving on from that. 146 00:05:57,004 --> 00:05:58,438 I've dropped enough hints, 147 00:05:58,439 --> 00:05:59,940 and clearly he's not over his marriage. 148 00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:01,141 Maybe he just needs a jolt 149 00:06:01,142 --> 00:06:02,442 to get his heart started again. 150 00:06:02,443 --> 00:06:04,244 Maybe you're like those heart paddles. 151 00:06:04,245 --> 00:06:06,446 You need to just rip off your clothes, yell, "Clear!" 152 00:06:06,447 --> 00:06:08,914 and throw yourself on top of him. 153 00:06:10,216 --> 00:06:12,252 I guess I could stop hinting 154 00:06:12,253 --> 00:06:15,388 and just tell him that I've developed feelings. 155 00:06:15,389 --> 00:06:17,956 And yell, "Clear!" and just go to town. 156 00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:20,627 Sorry, it's been a while. 157 00:06:20,628 --> 00:06:23,262 It's kind of on my brain. 158 00:06:27,068 --> 00:06:28,334 Hey, Felix. 159 00:06:28,335 --> 00:06:30,437 - What can I get you? - Oh, let's see. 160 00:06:30,438 --> 00:06:32,095 Do you have an apartment that doesn't contain 161 00:06:32,096 --> 00:06:33,239 two bickering exes? 162 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,240 I do, actually. 163 00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:35,475 My sister's out of town; 164 00:06:35,476 --> 00:06:37,343 you can stay in my place for a few hours. 165 00:06:37,344 --> 00:06:40,446 Maybe I could meet you after work, and we could make dinner. 166 00:06:40,447 --> 00:06:43,049 Or not, or whatever. 167 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:44,816 I don't even know. 168 00:06:45,685 --> 00:06:47,520 Emily, I-I'm just too guilt-ridden to eat. 169 00:06:47,521 --> 00:06:49,889 If I had not given Oscar's name to the IRS, 170 00:06:49,890 --> 00:06:51,791 none of this would be happening. 171 00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:53,793 Maybe there's something you can do to make it better. 172 00:06:53,794 --> 00:06:55,361 You're good at organizing, right? 173 00:06:55,362 --> 00:06:57,930 Well, help Oscar and Gaby with their taxes. 174 00:06:57,931 --> 00:06:59,399 You can be kind of a buffer for them, 175 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,466 it'll speed things up, 176 00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:01,901 and it'll make you feel less guilty. 177 00:07:01,902 --> 00:07:02,902 Yes, yes. 178 00:07:02,903 --> 00:07:04,070 They'll get along better, 179 00:07:04,071 --> 00:07:05,705 and I will be able to sleep guilt-free 180 00:07:05,706 --> 00:07:07,306 without actually confessing. 181 00:07:07,307 --> 00:07:08,841 - You're brilliant! - Oh. 182 00:07:08,842 --> 00:07:10,343 Okay. 183 00:07:10,344 --> 00:07:11,944 Oh, I was making myself sick. 184 00:07:11,945 --> 00:07:13,346 You have no idea how hard it is 185 00:07:13,347 --> 00:07:14,380 wanting to tell someone the truth, 186 00:07:14,381 --> 00:07:15,880 but not having the nerve. 187 00:07:18,351 --> 00:07:20,253 Felix, I like you. 188 00:07:20,254 --> 00:07:21,854 What? 189 00:07:21,855 --> 00:07:24,490 I said... 190 00:07:24,491 --> 00:07:27,226 I, like you, 191 00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:29,887 have faced similar challenges, so... 192 00:07:30,463 --> 00:07:31,931 Good luck with that, bro. 193 00:07:31,932 --> 00:07:33,598 Thank you. 194 00:07:40,473 --> 00:07:42,774 Oh, shut it. 195 00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:46,278 Okay, here's something. 196 00:07:46,279 --> 00:07:48,113 One plane ticket to Beijing, hmm. 197 00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:49,281 Oh, right. 198 00:07:49,282 --> 00:07:50,916 This one wanted to see China 199 00:07:50,917 --> 00:07:52,918 when we have a perfectly good Chinatown 200 00:07:52,919 --> 00:07:55,988 right here in New York. 201 00:07:55,989 --> 00:07:57,523 Oh, I'm sorry. 202 00:07:57,524 --> 00:07:59,591 "This one" wanted to expand her horizons. 203 00:07:59,592 --> 00:08:01,427 You won't even go to Chinatown. 204 00:08:01,428 --> 00:08:02,894 They deliver. 205 00:08:04,630 --> 00:08:07,666 Okay, we will file that under travel 206 00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,967 and take another aspirin. 207 00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:14,339 All I know is when we were struggling financially, 208 00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:16,608 you blew $8,000 on a vacation. 209 00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:18,176 You know, you always do this. 210 00:08:18,177 --> 00:08:19,611 You turn it around on me. 211 00:08:19,612 --> 00:08:20,879 I shouldn't have to apologize for... 212 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,552 For anything, God forbid. 213 00:08:22,553 --> 00:08:24,449 No, that's not what I'm saying. You never let me finish... 214 00:08:24,450 --> 00:08:26,418 Finish your sentences? They all end the same way. 215 00:08:26,419 --> 00:08:27,753 "It's your fault, Oscar." 216 00:08:27,754 --> 00:08:30,087 And that ends round one. 217 00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:38,230 Now, why don't we all take a breath and calm down, hmm? 218 00:08:38,231 --> 00:08:39,631 Okay, yeah. 219 00:08:39,632 --> 00:08:41,399 I'm gonna go out on the balcony. 220 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,934 Yes, that's an excellent place 221 00:08:42,935 --> 00:08:45,595 to summon your flying monkeys! 222 00:08:46,805 --> 00:08:49,040 If I could make a tiny suggestion. 223 00:08:49,041 --> 00:08:51,076 Sometimes when you're around Gaby, 224 00:08:51,077 --> 00:08:52,444 you get a little defensive. 225 00:08:52,445 --> 00:08:55,105 - No, I don't. - You do. Shut up. 226 00:08:56,114 --> 00:08:58,350 Okay, you want to get this over with? Be nice. 227 00:08:58,351 --> 00:08:59,984 You don't have to agree with her, 228 00:08:59,985 --> 00:09:01,786 but at least let her finish her sentences. 229 00:09:01,787 --> 00:09:05,289 Sometimes we say more with our mouths closed. 230 00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:12,095 I hear what you're saying, and I don't like your tone. 231 00:09:14,732 --> 00:09:17,702 - Ha, there they are. - What are you doing? 232 00:09:17,703 --> 00:09:20,138 I used to come out and smoke these 233 00:09:20,139 --> 00:09:22,873 when Oscar and I would have a fight. 234 00:09:26,544 --> 00:09:29,147 Would you mind turning your back while I drink these? 235 00:09:29,148 --> 00:09:32,149 And nice to know you've hit rock-bottom. 236 00:09:33,251 --> 00:09:35,553 How can you stand living with him, Felix? 237 00:09:35,554 --> 00:09:37,188 Well, 238 00:09:37,189 --> 00:09:39,186 one thing that I've learned in the past few months is 239 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:40,191 sometimes when he lashes out, 240 00:09:40,192 --> 00:09:41,893 it's because he's mad at himself. 241 00:09:41,894 --> 00:09:44,262 I know, but we're just supposed to sit back and take it? 242 00:09:44,263 --> 00:09:47,832 No, but if I could give a tiny piece of advice, 243 00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:49,834 when you say things like, "You're never this," 244 00:09:49,835 --> 00:09:52,503 or, "You always that," it makes him feel smaller. 245 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,038 I know. I know. 246 00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:55,273 But I can't help myself. 247 00:09:55,274 --> 00:09:57,408 He just... he pushes my buttons. 248 00:09:57,409 --> 00:10:00,743 I don't know how you put up with him, Felix. 249 00:10:02,513 --> 00:10:03,881 Oh, here's something. 250 00:10:03,882 --> 00:10:05,249 A receipt for a silver bracelet. 251 00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:06,650 That must be a nice memory. 252 00:10:06,651 --> 00:10:08,085 Not for me. 253 00:10:08,086 --> 00:10:09,520 I never got a silver bracelet. 254 00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,689 Oscar, care to explain? 255 00:10:11,690 --> 00:10:13,056 Nope, next. 256 00:10:13,791 --> 00:10:14,792 Oscar! 257 00:10:14,793 --> 00:10:16,026 Okay, fine. 258 00:10:16,027 --> 00:10:17,261 It was for your birthday. 259 00:10:17,262 --> 00:10:18,796 But then I got a tip on a horse. 260 00:10:18,797 --> 00:10:20,864 A hundred-to-one shot called Lucky Lady, 261 00:10:20,865 --> 00:10:22,700 so I hocked the bracelet. 262 00:10:22,701 --> 00:10:26,270 And, let me guess, Lucky Lady came in last. 263 00:10:26,271 --> 00:10:29,038 No, she went into labor on the first turn. 264 00:10:30,140 --> 00:10:31,408 Oh, my God. 265 00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,577 - Why didn't you...? - Check her out? 266 00:10:33,578 --> 00:10:35,646 What was I supposed to do? Give her a sonogram? 267 00:10:35,647 --> 00:10:37,581 I mean, I can't do everything... 268 00:10:40,717 --> 00:10:43,687 Sorry, I... interrupted you. 269 00:10:43,688 --> 00:10:45,788 What were you gonna say? 270 00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:48,625 Uh... uh... 271 00:10:48,626 --> 00:10:50,827 I... I was gonna say 272 00:10:50,828 --> 00:10:52,529 why-why didn't you tell me? 273 00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:54,364 Well, I wanted to surprise you, and I figured 274 00:10:54,365 --> 00:10:56,700 if the horse came in, then I could buy you 275 00:10:56,701 --> 00:10:58,902 that vintage music box you were looking at. 276 00:10:58,903 --> 00:11:00,504 Oh, my God, I loved that music box. 277 00:11:00,505 --> 00:11:01,972 How do you even remember that? 278 00:11:01,973 --> 00:11:02,940 I just did. 279 00:11:02,941 --> 00:11:03,940 But, Oscar, 280 00:11:03,941 --> 00:11:05,609 you could've told me! 281 00:11:05,610 --> 00:11:07,810 You always make me the bad guy and you never trust me... 282 00:11:11,481 --> 00:11:13,950 What I mean to say is 283 00:11:13,951 --> 00:11:15,519 thank you. 284 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,887 You're welcome. 285 00:11:20,892 --> 00:11:24,794 Oh, that was just seasonal allergies. 286 00:11:24,795 --> 00:11:26,663 Dinner was great, Felix. 287 00:11:26,664 --> 00:11:29,733 I know. Did we ever actually eat at this table? 288 00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,469 Mm, no. We used to stack mail on it 289 00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:34,404 and pay bills on it. 290 00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:38,240 There was that one night we did something else on it. 291 00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:39,976 And tomorrow, 292 00:11:39,977 --> 00:11:42,612 I chop this table into firewood. 293 00:11:42,613 --> 00:11:45,315 Well... I'm finished. 294 00:11:45,316 --> 00:11:46,616 And? 295 00:11:46,617 --> 00:11:48,218 And according to my calculations, 296 00:11:48,219 --> 00:11:50,519 there is a discrepancy in your tax return. 297 00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:53,122 In the amount of $1,200... 298 00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:55,124 that they owe you! 299 00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:57,060 You like how I dragged it out like that 300 00:11:57,061 --> 00:11:58,061 to build up the tension? 301 00:11:58,062 --> 00:11:59,128 No! 302 00:11:59,129 --> 00:12:00,163 But what a relief! 303 00:12:00,164 --> 00:12:02,665 I got $1,200 to spend. 304 00:12:02,666 --> 00:12:05,034 I've got $600 to spend. 305 00:12:05,035 --> 00:12:06,869 Yeah. 306 00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:07,837 I'm off to bed. 307 00:12:07,838 --> 00:12:09,339 Gaby, wonderful seeing you. 308 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:10,573 Ah, Felix, we couldn't have done it 309 00:12:10,574 --> 00:12:11,641 - without you. Thank you. - Yeah. 310 00:12:11,642 --> 00:12:12,642 Great job, buddy. 311 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:15,110 Yes, so we're even. 312 00:12:15,845 --> 00:12:17,380 What do you mean? 313 00:12:17,381 --> 00:12:18,514 Oh, um... 314 00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:20,183 We're even. The books. 315 00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:21,350 Numbers-wise. Yeah. 316 00:12:21,351 --> 00:12:22,685 What else could I mean? 317 00:12:22,686 --> 00:12:24,153 Somebody's tired. 318 00:12:24,154 --> 00:12:25,655 No, no. I'm pumped. 319 00:12:25,656 --> 00:12:27,890 I can't wait till we go down to the IRS 320 00:12:27,891 --> 00:12:30,026 and just rub it in that jerk's face. 321 00:12:30,027 --> 00:12:31,761 "We"? You want me to come? 322 00:12:31,762 --> 00:12:33,129 Yeah, you've got to come. 323 00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:34,697 You're the one that got us out of this. 324 00:12:34,698 --> 00:12:36,232 Remember that. 325 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,532 Good night! 326 00:13:01,391 --> 00:13:03,891 Oscar, I did something terribly wrong. 327 00:13:07,963 --> 00:13:10,566 Was it not knocking, or was it 328 00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,034 staying in the room after you've seen us? 329 00:13:20,178 --> 00:13:22,113 - Thank you for coming up. - Of course. 330 00:13:22,114 --> 00:13:23,713 You must've been so embarrassed. 331 00:13:23,714 --> 00:13:25,716 I was mortified. One minute, they're at 332 00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:29,420 each other's throats, the next, they're at each other's... 333 00:13:29,421 --> 00:13:31,121 Well, I don't know. 334 00:13:31,122 --> 00:13:33,724 I went hysterically blind. 335 00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:36,594 This is completely and entirely my fault. 336 00:13:36,595 --> 00:13:39,463 And a little bit yours. 337 00:13:39,464 --> 00:13:41,165 You want to take me through that? 338 00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,767 Well, I'm the one who tipped off Oscar to the IRS, 339 00:13:43,768 --> 00:13:45,836 but you were the one who told me to help them get along, 340 00:13:45,837 --> 00:13:47,805 which I did, all too well. 341 00:13:47,806 --> 00:13:50,374 Maybe it's meant to be. 342 00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:53,210 Sometimes two people have passion between them, 343 00:13:53,211 --> 00:13:57,014 and there's only one way for it to come out. 344 00:13:57,015 --> 00:13:59,616 Maybe you're right. 345 00:13:59,617 --> 00:14:02,718 Damn my ability to read people! 346 00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:08,090 Yup. Nothing gets by you. 347 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,630 Wow, you still have the energy to pace. 348 00:14:13,631 --> 00:14:15,432 I must've lost my touch. 349 00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:17,467 I'm just thinking about Felix. 350 00:14:17,468 --> 00:14:19,269 Really lost my touch. 351 00:14:19,270 --> 00:14:22,139 I just picture him in my head lecturing me about 352 00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:24,775 how sleeping with you might've been a bad idea. 353 00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:27,010 Is that what you think he thinks? 354 00:14:27,011 --> 00:14:29,346 Or is that what you think? 355 00:14:29,347 --> 00:14:30,847 Me? No. 356 00:14:30,848 --> 00:14:32,149 I'm enjoying the moment. 357 00:14:32,150 --> 00:14:35,618 It's Felix who thinks too much. 358 00:14:38,121 --> 00:14:40,990 Still a little Felix in there. 359 00:14:44,227 --> 00:14:46,028 Who's Felix? 360 00:14:48,198 --> 00:14:49,733 Well, thank you for being here. 361 00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:51,134 Oh, are you kidding? 362 00:14:51,135 --> 00:14:52,502 I'm glad you called me. 363 00:14:52,503 --> 00:14:55,038 Yeah, you were the first person I thought of. 364 00:14:55,039 --> 00:14:56,339 Really? 365 00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:57,607 Mm-hmm. Oh, and... 366 00:14:57,608 --> 00:14:59,642 sorry to wake you up, by the way. 367 00:14:59,643 --> 00:15:01,244 Stop apologizing. 368 00:15:01,245 --> 00:15:02,812 You didn't wake me. 369 00:15:02,813 --> 00:15:06,249 And stop being so hard on yourself. 370 00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,484 Try to see the Felix that I see. 371 00:15:08,485 --> 00:15:10,553 The one who cares so much about his friends 372 00:15:10,554 --> 00:15:12,689 that he drives everybody crazy. 373 00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,891 Most of all himself. 374 00:15:14,892 --> 00:15:17,527 You know, I was actually 375 00:15:17,528 --> 00:15:19,929 getting used to the idea that every year 376 00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:23,900 the world was getting a little colder and grayer. 377 00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:28,871 And then I meet this sad, funny, 378 00:15:28,872 --> 00:15:32,008 exceptional man who wears his big heart 379 00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:35,978 on his perfectly creased sleeve and... 380 00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:37,613 I don't know... 381 00:15:37,614 --> 00:15:40,716 everything's different. 382 00:15:40,717 --> 00:15:42,718 So, yeah. 383 00:15:42,719 --> 00:15:46,988 I guess you did wake me up, Felix Unger. 384 00:15:57,467 --> 00:16:00,469 Oscar, what is wrong? 385 00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:02,638 Still thinking about Felix. 386 00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:05,307 Do we have any patio cigarettes left? 387 00:16:05,308 --> 00:16:07,375 I drank them all. 388 00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:10,546 Where you going? 389 00:16:10,547 --> 00:16:13,214 To get that persnickety voice out of my head. 390 00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:18,419 Felix, what the hell were you thinking? 391 00:16:21,624 --> 00:16:23,592 Now I see why you didn't leave. 392 00:16:23,593 --> 00:16:26,127 My feet won't move! 393 00:16:33,001 --> 00:16:34,069 Hey. 394 00:16:34,070 --> 00:16:36,771 Hey. 395 00:16:39,007 --> 00:16:40,776 Any sign of Felix? 396 00:16:40,777 --> 00:16:42,578 Uh, he was gone when I woke up. 397 00:16:42,579 --> 00:16:44,213 He was probably really embarrassed. 398 00:16:44,214 --> 00:16:47,249 When I walked in, he was white as a sheet. 399 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:51,552 Now that I've seen his sheets, I really know what that means. 400 00:16:52,287 --> 00:16:55,157 So... last night... 401 00:16:55,158 --> 00:16:56,558 Yeah. 402 00:16:56,559 --> 00:16:58,293 It was amazing. 403 00:16:58,294 --> 00:17:02,230 Amazing? At the end, God was shouting our names. 404 00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:04,533 It was just like old times, right? 405 00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:05,767 So, uh... 406 00:17:05,768 --> 00:17:07,869 what do we do now? Say... 407 00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:10,105 "Good-bye"? "Thank you"? 408 00:17:10,106 --> 00:17:14,142 "Oscar, you're still the world's greatest lover"? 409 00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:15,677 I don't know. 410 00:17:15,678 --> 00:17:17,812 I mean, we could have dinner, 411 00:17:17,813 --> 00:17:20,048 and, you know, see how it goes. 412 00:17:20,049 --> 00:17:21,682 That sounds nice. 413 00:17:22,517 --> 00:17:24,419 Wait, is this all part of your master plan? 414 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:26,588 - What do you mean? - We get back together, 415 00:17:26,589 --> 00:17:29,857 you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left. 416 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,505 - Hey. Um... - Hi. 417 00:17:43,506 --> 00:17:46,207 I've been calling you. I-I woke up and you were gone. 418 00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:47,642 Is everything okay? 419 00:17:47,643 --> 00:17:49,644 Yeah. I just got a little freaked out. 420 00:17:49,645 --> 00:17:52,180 I mean, last thing I want to do 421 00:17:52,181 --> 00:17:54,148 is screw up our friendship. 422 00:17:54,149 --> 00:17:57,151 Right. I believe I was the one who dragged you into my bedroom. 423 00:17:57,152 --> 00:17:59,988 It was so hot. 424 00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:01,756 - It was. - But... 425 00:18:01,757 --> 00:18:05,093 we have to think about what we're doing. 426 00:18:05,094 --> 00:18:06,661 I mean, is this a thing? 427 00:18:06,662 --> 00:18:09,864 Are we... talking about being a thing? 428 00:18:09,865 --> 00:18:12,132 I mean, what does this mean? 429 00:18:15,436 --> 00:18:17,438 I know I never thought I would say this, 430 00:18:17,439 --> 00:18:18,573 but maybe Oscar's impulsiveness 431 00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:20,808 has rubbed off on me a little bit. 432 00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:22,944 But are we thinking too much? 433 00:18:22,945 --> 00:18:24,545 Yeah. 434 00:18:24,546 --> 00:18:26,247 Maybe the, uh... 435 00:18:26,248 --> 00:18:29,517 maybe the safest thing is to just take it slow. 436 00:18:29,518 --> 00:18:31,252 Yeah, yeah. I think you're probably right. 437 00:18:31,253 --> 00:18:32,953 Yeah. Okay. 438 00:18:32,954 --> 00:18:35,021 But not too slow. 439 00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:40,260 I'm gonna just... Yeah. 440 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,064 I'm not free tomorrow night, 441 00:18:44,065 --> 00:18:45,900 but maybe over the weekend we could have dinner. 442 00:18:45,901 --> 00:18:49,603 There's this darling little place I found at... 443 00:18:49,604 --> 00:18:51,105 Oscar? 444 00:18:51,106 --> 00:18:53,374 Sorry, you were saying? 445 00:18:53,375 --> 00:18:54,808 Yes, I was just saying 446 00:18:54,809 --> 00:18:56,777 that, you know, if we are gonna 447 00:18:56,778 --> 00:18:59,146 be spending a little time together, 448 00:18:59,147 --> 00:19:01,615 a few things might need to change. 449 00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:02,850 Yeah, I know. 450 00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,385 My gambling, my staying out late. 451 00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:06,653 No, that's not what I'm talking about. 452 00:19:06,654 --> 00:19:07,985 Why do you always act like I'm persecuting you? 453 00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:09,089 Well, there has been a precedent. 454 00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:10,624 Oh, well, once again I'm the bad guy. 455 00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:11,959 Sorry I opened up. 456 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,260 Why you jumping down my throat? 457 00:19:13,261 --> 00:19:14,661 The only thing jumping down your throat 458 00:19:14,662 --> 00:19:16,263 is that beer at 9:00 in the morning, by the way. 459 00:19:16,264 --> 00:19:18,264 It's a Sunday. 460 00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:24,671 At least we're consistent. 461 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,642 Honey, if we got back together based on last night, 462 00:19:28,643 --> 00:19:31,044 I think we'd be fooling ourselves. 463 00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,746 I know. 464 00:19:32,747 --> 00:19:34,982 But I don't want to go back to hating you either. 465 00:19:34,983 --> 00:19:36,350 Same here. 466 00:19:36,351 --> 00:19:37,751 We wrecked our marriage. 467 00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:41,121 Let's not wreck our divorce, too. 468 00:19:41,122 --> 00:19:43,023 I'm so impressed by how thoughtful 469 00:19:43,024 --> 00:19:44,758 you're being about this. 470 00:19:44,759 --> 00:19:46,993 I think it's from living with Felix. 471 00:19:46,994 --> 00:19:49,196 I over think everything now. 472 00:19:49,197 --> 00:19:51,298 Well, he's good for you. 473 00:19:51,299 --> 00:19:54,099 Maybe he's a better wife for you than I was. 474 00:20:02,475 --> 00:20:03,877 What? 475 00:20:03,878 --> 00:20:06,178 Well, it's not the way Felix does it. 476 00:20:14,077 --> 00:20:16,595 - Okay, let's go over this one more time. - Check. 477 00:20:16,596 --> 00:20:18,642 We knock loudly twice... 478 00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,110 Mm-hmm. 479 00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:23,346 ...then we wait for the person to say "Come in" 480 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,481 before we open the door. 481 00:20:27,317 --> 00:20:29,252 Right, good, but what if the other person is choking 482 00:20:29,253 --> 00:20:31,488 or unconscious and cannot say "Come in"? 483 00:20:31,489 --> 00:20:33,222 Then he dies. 484 00:20:35,358 --> 00:20:38,161 Fair enough. 485 00:20:38,162 --> 00:20:40,330 Thank you, Oscar. 486 00:20:40,331 --> 00:20:42,397 For what? 487 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,567 For everything. 488 00:20:44,568 --> 00:20:46,269 For taking me in. 489 00:20:46,270 --> 00:20:48,405 For helping me get over my divorce. 490 00:20:48,406 --> 00:20:51,141 For teaching me to loosen up. 491 00:20:51,142 --> 00:20:53,977 Well, I never thought I'd say this, but... 492 00:20:53,978 --> 00:20:55,979 you've been good for me, too. 493 00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:59,382 I think, thanks to you, I'm a little bit more mature. 494 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,149 I'm glad to hear it. 495 00:21:03,253 --> 00:21:05,054 Oh, and, um... 496 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,356 by the way... 497 00:21:06,357 --> 00:21:08,524 funny story... 498 00:21:08,525 --> 00:21:11,260 I might've been the one who gave your name to the IRS. 499 00:21:11,261 --> 00:21:13,396 What?! 500 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,030 Felix! Felix! 501 00:21:16,031 --> 00:21:17,711 I'm not saying come in! I'm not saying come in! 502 00:21:17,712 --> 00:21:19,647 Oh, God! You're still coming in! 503 00:21:20,038 --> 00:21:26,934 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.