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Tonight - can we solve the fuel crisis?

2
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And, making a better police car -
how hard can it be?

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(Applause and cheering)

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Such a noise!

5
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Hello. Thank you.

6
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Hello!

7
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Hello and no.

8
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No, this is not a repeat, we really are back.
You're not watching Dave.

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(Laughter)

10
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Unless... Unless this is a repeat.

11
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In which case, let's remind ourselves
what we did in the summer series of 2008.

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Bullet train - pah!

13
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He's had it.

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Come on then, big fella,
let's see what you've got.

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(Horn)

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Hounds.

17
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Look at this.

18
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Very sorry.

19
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Oh, my God, the brakes!

20
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But let's not get hung up on fashion.

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Oh!

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I'm not talking. This matters.

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(Screams)

24
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- Oh!
- Oh, left, left, left!

25
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Ahh!

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Oh! Ha-ha!

27
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It's looking good.

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- Yeah!
- (Applause and cheering)

29
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There we go.

30
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So, the usual...

31
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The usual orgy of speed and...
and three middle-aged men falling over a lot.

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That actually gives us a bit of a problem,
because we've had a letter from the BBC,

33
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and they said, what with petrol
being L5.50 a gallon and all the rest of it,

34
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what we should actually be doing

35
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is giving some advice on fuel economy
and saving money.

36
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Yeah, unfortunately,
that letter was opened by him.

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- (Laughter)
- And I decided the best thing we could do

38
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- is get five supercars and have a race.
- (Laughter)

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These are the contenders.

40
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A Ferrari 599,

41
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a Lamborghini Murcielago,

42
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a Mercedes McLaren,

43
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an Aston Martin DBS,

44
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and the Audi R8.

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They will now race round our track.

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But to prove we're in tune with the times,

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each will start
with just one gallon in its tank.

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(Engines roaring)

49
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There you go,
the sound of the 20th century.

50
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God, I love it.

51
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5.4 liter V8 versus this 6.5 liter V12.
We're coming side by side

52
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into the first corner.

53
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There, blocked him out.

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Lamborghini's in the lead.

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- Whoops-a-daisy!
- (Tires squeal)

56
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The sight in my rear-view mirror now
is unbelievable!

57
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This was turning into one of the
most exciting races ever, on our track.

58
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And then it turned into one of the shortest.

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The Ferrari, it's gone, it's down, it's out.

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Amazingly, after just 1.7 miles
the Ferrari had spluttered to a halt.

61
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He's coming past.
There's nothing I can do.

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That McLaren is so quick.
You forget how quick it is.

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Shortly afterwards, the Aston was out too,
turning it into a three-horse race.

64
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Sorry, mate,
I'm gonna outbrake you here.

65
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I've got an Audi R8
right up my trumpet here.

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Then the McLaren took its last mighty swig.

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That noise coming from behind my left ear,
that's the sound of money exploding.

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My Lamborghini soldiered on bravely.

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Then, it ran out.

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Oh, no!

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It had done 4. 1 miles to the gallon -
an incredible performance.

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But the winner, with an incredible
five miles to the gallon is the Audi R8.

73
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So, here's a Top Gear top tip -

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if you've been affected by the fuel crisis,

75
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this is the supercar to buy.

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(Applause and cheering)

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- I like to think we provide a service.
- Yeah, nice one.

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And that is a useful piece
of consumer advice.

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No... But, seriously, that Ferrari,
did it really do 1.7 mpg?

80
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Well, there might've been a bit of fuel
left in its pipes.

81
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You'd be amazed how thirsty those things are
when you thrash them - it's incredible.

82
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1.7 miles means...
L3.23 a mile just in petrol.

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- Yes.
- The thing is, the BBC saw that film

84
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and they said we'd been stupid,

85
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and we had to do something
more for the normal person.

86
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And, well, it was him again.

87
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Yes, so the Toyota Prius.

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To make this as economical as possible, they go
to the ends of the earth, quite literally.

89
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I mean, the nickel that they use to make
the batteries that power the electric motor,

90
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that comes from a mine in Canada.

91
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Now, nickel mining is a filthy business -
a lot of sulfur and acid rain, but no matter.

92
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They load it on an enormous cargo ship,
send it to Europe, where it's refined,

93
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then on to China
where it's turned into a sort of foam.

94
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Then to Japan where it's put into batteries
and into the car.

95
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It's so complicated in fact,
to make a Prius,

96
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that a recent study found
that in the long term,

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it does more environmental damage
than a Land Rover Discovery.

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But... No, it's true.
But, it is at least economical.

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- (Laughter)
- Or is it?

100
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This is a BMWM3.

101
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It is not designed
to be as economical as possible.

102
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It is designed to be fast.

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So, ten laps of the track,
let's see which one uses the least fuel.

104
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Here we go.

105
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The Prius would be driven
as fast as possible.

106
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All I had to do in the BMW was keep up.

107
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OK, so there's a 1.5 liter 4-cylinder engine
in the Prius.

108
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In this, a 414 brake horsepower
four liter V8.

109
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You would expect this to use
massively more fuel.

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It was one of the dullest drives of my life,

111
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but in the interests of science,
I stuck with it.

112
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Coming up now, ten laps.

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And... we're finished.

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- I have the results here.
- Yes.

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The Prius did 17.2 miles to the gallon.

116
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The M3 did 19.4 miles to the gallon.

117
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- Hang on...
- That was verified.

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(Applause)

119
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- So...
- Seriously.

120
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- 19 to 17?
- Yeah.

121
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At that speed, the M3 is more economical
than a Prius.

122
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So, what he's saying is, if you want
an economical car, buy a BMW M3.

123
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No, I'm not actually.

124
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What I'm saying is, it isn't what you drive
that matters, it's how you drive it.

125
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That is everything. There's a load of people
right now who've got Mondeos,

126
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"I can't afford the petrol anymore,
I'm gonna have to get rid."

127
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Don't, cos everyone's in the same boat,
you'll get 20p for it -

128
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you'll end up with a horrid eco-box.

129
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Much better, don't change the car,
change your driving style.

130
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We will put our Top Gear top fuel-saving tips
on the website for you.

131
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- I think that's enough about fuel.
- Yeah.

132
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- Moving on.
- No.

133
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- What?
- No, it isn't enough about fuel, cos...

134
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Gather round, everyone.

135
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:41,700
- You know a Securicor van?
- Yes.

136
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,300
Driver's got a helmet, truncheon,
bulletproof glass.

137
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,900
What've they got in the back -
50 quid, box of stamps?

138
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:52,000
A tanker - 40,000 liters of fuel,
it's 50,000 quid,

139
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and all he's got to fend you off
is a rolled-up porn mag.

140
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,300
(Laughter)

141
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:59,800
Are you suggesting
people go out and steal petrol tankers?

142
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,600
- Not people, no. (Quietly) Us.
- We do?

143
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,900
We steal it. Put it in here,
Google Earth'll never spot it.

144
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:09,400
- (Laughter)
- Honestly, cos if you think about it,

145
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:14,700
- 50,000 liters of fuel, OK?
- That's a lot.

146
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,500
That would be enough
to get your Mustang...

147
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,200
...home.
- Really?

148
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,600
- (Laughter)
- Well, to Guildford.

149
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,500
And you could fill up there.
It's a brilliant idea.

150
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,900
- Shall we do some proper news?
- No.

151
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,900
No, because, you know every TV show
in the world now has a campaign.

152
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:33,500
- No.
- They do.

153
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,900
Jamie Oliver's going
"Don't eat chips, eat weeds."

154
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:39,500
What's Gordon Ramsey's one? You gotta
kill your children's pets and eat them.

155
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(Laughter)

156
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,000
So, I've come up
with a campaign we should do.

157
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,800
- Oh, no!
- Road signs.

158
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,800
Too late, they've already been invented.
Moving on.

159
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No, get rid of them.

160
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Councils these days, "Oh, there's a space,
we could put one in there,"

161
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and they just write rubbish.

162
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There's one on the M40,
it says "Spray possible."

163
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Well, it might be.

164
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,700
It was a June day when I went past it.

165
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,400
"Impossible" is what it should've said.

166
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,500
If they're gonna list things that are possible,

167
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they could put "Being eaten by a cow -
possible."

168
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:14,800
In the olden days, you used to be able
to have a crash

169
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,700
and it was a foregone conclusion
you weren't gonna hit anything.

170
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,700
Now, you're bound to hit a sign saying "Deer".

171
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,900
- (Laughter)
- How do you know there's a deer?

172
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,500
How do they know where the deer is?

173
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:27,500
Why don't they just put the deer sign
on the deer?

174
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:30,000
- (Laughter)
- That would work.

175
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,200
Why don't they do that?

176
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,900
There are stupid ones,
like the falling rocks sign.

177
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,000
What are you supposed to do?

178
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,000
- Speed up? Slow down?
- 195 mile an hour to avoid them.

179
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,500
Why don't they stop the rocks falling down
if it's a continual problem?

180
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,700
- That would be a better spend of money.
- It is.

181
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:49,200
There's a very good sign near where I live.
It says "Changed priorities ahead."

182
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,400
And it's right.
I was driving there the other day

183
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and I thought to myself "I'll work harder
and pay my mortgage off and be secure...

184
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,800
- (Laughter)
- "...in my old age."

185
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,800
I went past the sign and after
ten or twenty yards, I thought,

186
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,000
- "No, I'm gonna go to the pub."
- (Laughter)

187
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,400
- So, it works?
- Yeah.

188
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,500
If you wanna join our campaign
to get rid of all road signs,

189
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,400
or send us a picture of the
most pointless one you've ever seen,

190
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:14,000
write to us at Top Gear... Christ,
we've moved offices, where are we now?

191
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,300
- No idea.
- We're upstairs.

192
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,400
- We're above The One Show now.
- Yes!

193
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,500
There we are - Top Gear,
Above The One Show, London.

194
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,300
- That'll find us.
- Now shall we do some news?

195
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,300
- Can we have some proper news now?
- Yes. News from Korea.

196
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:28,200
Hyundai's made a new coupé,

197
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,200
and I've got the sneaking suspicion
the designer sneezed when he got here.

198
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,500
I think he may have been allergic
to the spaniel in his sandwich.

199
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:37,500
(Laughter)

200
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,400
Maybe his lunch bit his ankle

201
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,800
Seriously, if you go to Korea,
don't order a cauliflower cheese,

202
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,800
- cos it won't be what you think.
- (Laughter)

203
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,800
Anyway, this is called the Genesis,

204
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,200
which probably means that
after a couple of years the front'll leave,

205
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,300
and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.

206
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:59,000
Strictly speaking, Phil Collins
will come round from the back

207
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,300
to take place at the front.

208
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,400
Leaving Chester Thomson at the back?

209
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,500
Phil Collins will have to go back to the back
with Chester Thomson.

210
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,600
- Yes.
- I don't know what you two are saying now.

211
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,700
It's got a V6 engine, 3.8 liters

212
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:13,100
and in between the bank,
you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.

213
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,400
(Laughter)

214
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,000
You're using words but it means nothing.

215
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,100
Would you rather it were called
the Hyundai Westlife?

216
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,700
- Yeah, all right.
- The Hyundai Girls Aloud Hammond Edition.

217
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,500
- All right. Thank you.
- (Laughter)

218
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,400
You know that company that's bought Jaguar,
Tata?

219
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,200
While we were off they made a big noise
about introducing a L1,500 car.

220
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,800
Well, they've done it, here it is,
it's called the Nano.

221
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,800
- Oh!
- Mm! The thing that worries me about this,

222
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:59,400
it's like one of those Dr Who monsters
that has no facial features.

223
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,300
Eurgh, it's just gonna terrify children.

224
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:05,700
It has no features at all on it,
but this is the luxury version.

225
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,300
That's the luxury one!

226
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:10,100
How much more basic could it be?
What could you lose?

227
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:14,700
Well, you know it isn't the base model
because if it was the base model,

228
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:18,000
you wouldn't be able to see it
because the mule would be in the way.

229
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,200
(Laughter)

230
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,300
Hey, great news!

231
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,200
- What?
- The Dacia Sandero is almost here.

232
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,800
- When?
- Next year!

233
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:17,800
Great!

234
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,900
- Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser...
- (Laughter)

235
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:24,900
That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of,
cos, forgive me if I'm wrong,

236
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,400
but doesn't an urban cruiser wear a Mac

237
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,700
and isn't allowed within 200 yards
of a primary school?

238
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,100
(Laughter)

239
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:34,600
- They may not have thought that through.
- That's not gonna work as a school-run car,

240
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,300
if the police arrest it
every time it goes near the gate.

241
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,300
(Laughter)

242
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,900
Do you know
what's wrong with Ferrari at the moment?

243
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,400
No, but I guess you're gonna tell us.

244
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:43,800
- Yes, I am.
- I know what it is.

245
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,200
It's that they spend too much time
making aftershave

246
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,900
and crash helmets
that match the dashboard of your car,

247
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:53,500
- even though you haven't actually got one.
- Well, that's true, but they're nerdy.

248
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:57,000
It's the plumbing and the wiring
and the computer systems, that's the trouble.

249
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,600
When I drive a Ferrari, I want it to be
all about passion and excitement.

250
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:12,100
You might think this would fit the bill.

251
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:18,100
That it's gonna be a ton and a bit
of Italian engineering for the soul.

252
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:26,400
It's a tightened-up, stripped
and striped version of the normal 430.

253
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,600
Sadly, though, it's called the Scuderia,
which is Italian for team.

254
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,000
That means it has a silly name.

255
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,000
It also has a silly grinning face.

256
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:43,800
And wait till you see
what they've done to the inside.

257
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,000
Lamborghini and Porsche go to great lengths
with their light supercars

258
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:53,600
to conceal how and where
all the weight has been saved.

259
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,700
Ferrari were going to do that,

260
00:15:55,700 --> 00:16:00,300
but then they just decided that there's a really
good restaurant opposite the factory,

261
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:03,300
and they went there instead
and just had some lunch.

262
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,700
Look at itl

263
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,200
There are no carpets,

264
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,900
there's no satellite navigation,

265
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,200
no stereo,

266
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:19,200
no frills at all and it appears to have been
welded together by apes.

267
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:26,300
You might imagine that because this
is missing 100kg of weight and equipment,

268
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:30,300
it would be considerably less expensive
than the standard car.

269
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:35,000
But no - that is L172,000.

270
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,800
It's L43,000 more!

271
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,200
There's more bad news too.

272
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:48,200
It's got an even more complicated
computer system than the normal 430.

273
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:54,800
Wires mean that it can change gear
in 60 milliseconds,

274
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,900
and that, Ferrari say,
is faster than you can blink.

275
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,300
That was 75 milliseconds.

276
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,000
Come on, quicker, quicker!

277
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,300
Right, I'm ready for a race.
Here we go,

278
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:10,600
can it change gear
faster than I can blink? Are we ready?

279
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,100
Steady.

280
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,400
It can!

281
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:23,100
In addition to the computerized gearbox,
it's got silicone brakes...

282
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,600
...and an electronic differential.

283
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,000
Then, there's this switch.

284
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,900
When it's here, the traction control is on.

285
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,700
When it's here, it's on a bit less.

286
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:40,700
When it's here, it's off,
but the stability control is still on.

287
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,700
Then, if I put it here,
beep-beep to tell me everything's off.

288
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:49,600
And now the suspension's been firmed up
but I can make it soft again by pushing that.

289
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:55,700
And if I had a side parting and adenoids...
(Nasal) I'd find all this very interesting.

290
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:59,400
I'd come round to your house
and tell you all about how it works.

291
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:08,100
Even the shape of the body
is computer-designed with speed in mind.

292
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,300
It has winglets at the front,

293
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:16,900
and at the back there's an undertray which
sucks you onto the road as you go along.

294
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,500
So, the faster you go,
the more grip you have.

295
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:27,500
One of the things that really annoys me
in most cars

296
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:31,500
is that there are no slats at the back
to vent air out of the rear wheel arches,

297
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,300
which of course increases pressure
and slows you down,

298
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,200
but in this, it has the slats.

299
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,300
Oh, yeah, definitely.

300
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,900
All this speed is as a result of those sla...

301
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:50,600
Actually, that is quite a lot of speed.

302
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,400
(Laughs)

303
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,700
Yeah, that was quite a lot.

304
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,300
I wonder if it comes with bog roll?

305
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,500
I'm doing this road test all wrong.

306
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,100
Cos I'm mocking all this technology,

307
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,900
and that's not really fair.

308
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,800
It's not like Ferrari aftershave,

309
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:17,600
or that stupid carbon-fiber crash helmet they'll
sell you to match the trim of your car -

310
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,000
that stuff's for idiots.

311
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:24,200
I want the computers, but I don't want them
to be the be-all and end-all of everything,

312
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,700
like they are in the standard 430.

313
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,300
I want them to be... there,

314
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:34,400
but hidden away, buried under
a big thick layer of something else.

315
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:40,200
And in the Scuderia... they are.

316
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,100
This is not only lighter than the standard car,
but lower too.

317
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,200
It has fatter tires and more power.

318
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,200
It feels like it was designed
by Michael Schumacher...

319
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,100
...and that's because, in part, it was.

320
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:06,100
Now, I've got my foot buried
into where the carpet used to be

321
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:11,300
and 510 brake horsepower
is roaming around the engine bay.

322
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,900
Naught to 60 is dealt with
in three and a half seconds.

323
00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:19,300
Flat out, it'll be nudging 200.

324
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:25,100
Round the Ferrari test track they claim
this is actually quicker than an Enzo.

325
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,200
That said, it is a tricky car to drive fast.

326
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,900
A knife-edge racer.

327
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:45,300
This is what a Ferrari should be like.
(Italian accent) You make mistake, I kill.

328
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,200
Whoa!

329
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:56,900
Oh, dear, that's not gone well.

330
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:04,100
It feels... It feels like a street brawler.

331
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,500
It's angry!

332
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,900
It feels like it wants to goose your mother,

333
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,600
vomit in one of your flower beds,

334
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,800
go to the pub, get drunk
and kick someone's head in.

335
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:22,500
But listen, listen to the noise.

336
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:23,800
(Engine roars)

337
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,000
You only have to flex your big toe.
Oh!

338
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,700
(Engine roars)

339
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,300
It's like God having really unusual sex.

340
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:40,400
Oh, there we are, he's finished.

341
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:46,000
I cannot tell you
how happy it makes me feel...

342
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:50,700
...to be driving a proper Ferrari again.

343
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,200
(Applause)

344
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,100
So much better than a normal one.

345
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,300
I tell you what this car is,

346
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:12,500
it is like the bastard love child
of Stephen Hawking and Rambo.

347
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,700
And now we must find out
how fast it goes round our track.

348
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,100
Which means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

349
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:23,500
Some say that after making love,
he bites the head off his partner.

350
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,000
(Laughter)

351
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,700
And that he's had to give up binge drinking
now that it's got to L1.18 a liter.

352
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:31,300
(Laughter)

353
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:33,400
All we know is, he's called the Stig.

354
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,200
He's off, and listen to the fury and
mighty vengeance of that 4.3 liter V8,

355
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,900
as he powers up to the first corner.

356
00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:46,200
He's there already. A little four-wheel drift
on the way in there.

357
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,100
Feathering the throttle and he's through.
That is very neat.

358
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:52,600
0oh, of course,
the Scuderia doesn't have a stereo,

359
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,700
so, no Stig audio nonsense,

360
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,800
just the sound of Italian
mechanical rock and roll,

361
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,600
or bewop, as we call it.

362
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,500
Just look how neat it is.

363
00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:05,900
It's staggering.
Two gallons of fuel gone already,

364
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:08,100
and... he's through the hammerhead.

365
00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:14,500
This... Compared to the normal 430,
the Scuderia has new inlets, new exhaust,

366
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:17,700
a whole extra computer
just to control the spark plugs.

367
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:21,000
Yet, despite the extra power,
Stig doesn't even need to lift...

368
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,500
Coming up to the second to last,
look how controlled it is through there,

369
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,600
and again through Gambon,
and across the line.

370
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,100
- (Applause)
- Yeah!

371
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:35,800
It's gonna be up there.
It's gonna be up there.

372
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:43,600
It did it in 1:19.7,
so, it actually goes there,

373
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:48,100
which means that it may be faster
than the Enzo round Ferrari test tracks,

374
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:49,900
but it's not faster round ours.

375
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,600
It's time now to move on

376
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,400
and put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

377
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:17,400
My guests tonight, well, one of them
has very long hair and is from Bristol,

378
00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:20,300
the other one is from the Midlands
and is gay,

379
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:23,700
but surprisingly, it isn't James May
and Richard Hammond.

380
00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:28,100
It is in fact Justin Lee Collins
and Alan Carr.

381
00:28:28,100 --> 00:28:30,100
(Applause and cheering)

382
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:38,700
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

383
00:28:39,700 --> 00:28:43,500
The men from what was
The Friday Night Project...

384
00:28:47,500 --> 00:28:48,700
How was it out there?

385
00:28:48,700 --> 00:28:50,300
- Terrifying.
- Was it?

386
00:28:50,300 --> 00:28:51,700
Yes, really scary.

387
00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:53,000
In a Lacetti?

388
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,800
Yeah,
but you're going very fast in the Lacetti.

389
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,500
- Hitting 80 sometimes.
- (Laughter)

390
00:28:57,500 --> 00:28:59,600
Some hairpin turns.

391
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:05,300
I kept doing that mirror, signal, maneuver,
and then I realized there was no other cars.

392
00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:07,800
I kept indicating, I'm serious.

393
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,900
I have to say though,
for you it went quite smoothly today.

394
00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:13,600
- Yes.
- And for you, not so smoothly.

395
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,200
No.

396
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,800
We've actually got some clips of Justin
attempting his practice runs.

397
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,800
- Anyone wanna see these?
- (Audience) Yes!

398
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,600
Let's just have a look at Justin's first attempt
at getting round the track.

399
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,800
Here we go, second to last corner and...
0h, nol

400
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,100
Whoa!

401
00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:31,400
That's a long way from the trackl

402
00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:36,400
And here we go, Chicago,
that's understeer and that's...

403
00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:39,600
This isn't good, I'm off-road.

404
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,200
I'm off-road!

405
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,500
I'm back on-road.

406
00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:46,400
- I just killed a rabbit.
- (Laughter)

407
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,000
- Did you get the rabbit?
- Yeah.

408
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,200
- Did you get it?
- I think I got a rabbit.

409
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,300
Good, we'll go and pick that up later,
that's supper - mm, yum!

410
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:54,700
Was the Stig nice to you?

411
00:29:54,700 --> 00:29:56,700
Very nice, yeah.

412
00:29:56,700 --> 00:29:58,100
It's Nigel Havers.

413
00:29:58,100 --> 00:29:59,300
(Laughter)

414
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,800
Forgive me for doing this so early on,

415
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:07,800
I've gotta know, cos... What is a gay car?

416
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:11,200
I dunno. I'm not very clued up on cars.
I don't know...

417
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:12,700
Are you the gay one?

418
00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:15,000
- Yeah, that's me!
- Oh, you're the gay one!

419
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,800
- (Laughter)
- Right, so, you then...

420
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,900
I don't know the makes of cars,
so I'm not that good.

421
00:30:20,900 --> 00:30:22,900
I remember...
I was telling you, weren't I?

422
00:30:22,900 --> 00:30:26,600
I remember when I came down to London,
me car, before I had me Mini,

423
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:31,200
and I rang up for the congestion charge
and she said "What make is your car?"

424
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:32,800
I said "I don't know."

425
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,400
- Don't be so impertinent.
- I know!

426
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:37,200
Did it not say on the steering wheel?

427
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:41,200
I'm on the phone, I can't look.
I can't multitask, I'm gay.

428
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,700
(Laughter)

429
00:30:44,100 --> 00:30:46,700
I've been looking at your car history -
what've you had?

430
00:30:46,700 --> 00:30:48,800
I've had a lot of... What's it called?

431
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:50,900
Because I do stand-up comedy,

432
00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:52,900
before, I couldn't afford a car,

433
00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:56,700
so, I had to hire a car, and so,
cos I'm quite tight, I'd get the smallest one.

434
00:30:56,700 --> 00:30:58,400
Is it a Cinquento?

435
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,800
Nearly. Cinquecento.

436
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,400
- Cinquechee.
- Is Italian.

437
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:06,100
- Is Italian for 500.
- I don't know anything.

438
00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:07,700
500. Just say 500.

439
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:09,400
500.

440
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:11,100
And they'd always be bright yellow,

441
00:31:11,100 --> 00:31:13,900
so you've got the shame
of driving a Cinquecento,

442
00:31:13,900 --> 00:31:17,300
and people going
"Oh, look, it's Mr. Happy."

443
00:31:17,300 --> 00:31:20,900
So, I had one of those,
then I had a Smart car.

444
00:31:20,900 --> 00:31:23,600
- I thought you were joking about that.
- No, I did,

445
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,100
I was driving along
and this bin liner flies out -

446
00:31:26,100 --> 00:31:30,100
- I nearly drive inside a bin liner in a Smart car.
- (Laughter)

447
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:31,800
I'm trying to find me lights...

448
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,100
- In a Smart car...
- They are awful cars.

449
00:31:35,100 --> 00:31:38,900
It's kind to the environment, small cars -
is that something that bothers you?

450
00:31:38,900 --> 00:31:41,600
Well, listen, that's the good thing
about having a Cinquento,

451
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,900
cos you can't car-pool,
cos you can't fit anyone in.

452
00:31:43,900 --> 00:31:45,600
That's a very good point.

453
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:49,600
Would you pick up anyone? Have you seen
the people on the motorway?

454
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:53,600
There's always some tramp waving you down
with a prostitute's head, going...

455
00:31:53,900 --> 00:31:55,300
- (Laughter)
- Going to York.

456
00:31:55,300 --> 00:31:57,600
Stay here!

457
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,400
So, your car history, then. Any better, or?

458
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,900
Started with an Escort,
then I had two Ford Orions.

459
00:32:03,900 --> 00:32:05,300
Oh, Christ!

460
00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:10,600
So, my car now is a new shape Honda Civic,
based on your review.

461
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,100
- The review on this program?
- The review on this show.

462
00:32:13,100 --> 00:32:15,800
You bought a car on the strength
of what James May said?

463
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,700
He's got long hair and he's from Bristol,
you can't go wrong.

464
00:32:19,700 --> 00:32:22,200
Is insurance an issue with you guys?

465
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,400
- It is for you.
- It is for me.

466
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,400
- Why for you?
- I lied for... Oh, can you say I lied for ages?

467
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,500
(Laughter)

468
00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:31,100
- If you're not lying now, we'll get way with it.
- I'm not.

469
00:32:31,100 --> 00:32:35,100
I was a schoolteacher
who never left the house for a few years.

470
00:32:35,300 --> 00:32:36,800
(Laughter)

471
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:42,000
But then when I got on the telly,
I thought I'd better, because it is a bit...

472
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,700
I thought, if I ever run anyone over,
and they realize it was me,

473
00:32:44,700 --> 00:32:48,500
- I'd have to reverse and kill them.
- (Laughter)

474
00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:51,300
You had Jamie Oliver in your car
the other day.

475
00:32:51,300 --> 00:32:53,300
No, you were in Jamie Oliver's car.

476
00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:55,800
Yeah, we were. He took us off-road.

477
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,400
Before we got in the car,
he gave us a bin liner each to put on,

478
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,300
and he said "You'll need those."

479
00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:03,600
What was he going to do to you,
for God's sake?

480
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,100
That was the start.

481
00:33:05,100 --> 00:33:09,100
Then he gave us both a massive cream pie

482
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,900
and big jugs of water.

483
00:33:10,900 --> 00:33:13,000
Said "Buckle up, we're going for a ride."

484
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,400
I'm sorry. Jamie Oliver invites you
down to his house,

485
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:22,000
and then makes you go in his Land Rover
in a bin liner with a cream pie?

486
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,300
Yes, and a gimp mask.

487
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:26,600
- Yeah.
- (Laughter)

488
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:27,800
No, that's a lie.

489
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,100
He's been eating too many weeds,
that's the trouble.

490
00:33:30,100 --> 00:33:32,200
And we go all over, didn't we?

491
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:38,000
Up and down, and whoever had
the most pie and water in the thing won.

492
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,300
So, we're like this.

493
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:41,100
I've glassed you, haven't I?

494
00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:42,400
(Laughter)

495
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:46,400
I'm wearing most of the cake as a brooch.

496
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,700
I got my cream pie all in his lap.

497
00:33:49,700 --> 00:33:50,900
Nice.

498
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:52,900
- It turns out my dinner...
- (Laughter)

499
00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:55,400
...my dinner parties are all wrong.

500
00:33:55,400 --> 00:34:00,900
Now, your show was the Friday Night Project,
is now the Sunday Night Project.

501
00:34:00,900 --> 00:34:03,800
So, you're paid to host this show,

502
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,700
and then you get someone else
to come and host the show.

503
00:34:06,700 --> 00:34:09,100
- Yeah.
- It really works.

504
00:34:09,100 --> 00:34:11,300
(Laughter)

505
00:34:11,300 --> 00:34:14,600
It's annoying that, for me.
We have to pay Richard and James,

506
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,000
who just bugger off at this point,
and smoke outside.

507
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,900
James doesn't smoke.
His mother doesn't know.

508
00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:21,200
(Laughter)

509
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:28,200
Now, the other one as well is, you spend a
long time with the guest hosts on your show.

510
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:29,800
- Yeah.
- Are they a nightmare?

511
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,900
Steven Seagal was a bit hard, weren't he?

512
00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:35,100
The first thing he said when he came in
"Are you two (BLEEP)?"

513
00:34:35,100 --> 00:34:37,900
(Laughter)

514
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:42,100
I was like, "Enchanté, Mr. Seagal,
you're so witty!"

515
00:34:42,100 --> 00:34:46,100
That was bleeped. What he said
was fornicating - are you two...

516
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,000
- Oh, they've bleeped it. Sorry.
- No, it's all right.

517
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:51,600
We said yes just to mess with his mind.
Yes, we are.

518
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,600
Yes, we are. Would you like to see?

519
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,300
- Imagine the children.
- (Laughter)

520
00:34:56,300 --> 00:35:00,700
Now, your laps. Obviously this is an unusual
thing, as we've got two people rather than one,

521
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:04,000
so it isn't just a question of,
who do you think you've beaten here?

522
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,000
Who wants to go first?

523
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,000
- Alan.
- Alan?

524
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:09,300
- You go first.
- No, Alan.

525
00:35:09,300 --> 00:35:12,300
Unfortunately,
I don't know why I asked you that,

526
00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:14,700
cos you'll go in whichever order
they are in the machine.

527
00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:15,900
Oh, right.

528
00:35:15,900 --> 00:35:19,500
We're starting with... I've no idea
who it's going to be and it is...

529
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:23,000
Who's that?
Who could it be?

530
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,500
Come on, Bristol Flyer!

531
00:35:24,500 --> 00:35:25,600
It's youl

532
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:29,600
More successful this time
than you were in the warm-up laps?

533
00:35:29,900 --> 00:35:35,300
Let's have a look. Coming up to the first
corner now. Cutting in the stabilizers...

534
00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:36,600
Ooh!

535
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,000
- That's it.
- God, that was closel

536
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,800
Chicago. Go off again this time?

537
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:43,800
This is a wild drive.

538
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,000
# My, my Delilah...

539
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,400
Right, here we are, the hammerhead,
it's the tricky one.

540
00:35:52,700 --> 00:35:58,000
We've got a stopwatch as you cross this line
there. You were at one minute five seconds.

541
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,800
# I saw the flickering lights...

542
00:36:02,500 --> 00:36:06,300
- This is quick. I'm impressed by this.
- Really?

543
00:36:06,300 --> 00:36:11,400
- # She was my woman
- I'm not impressed by that.

544
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,100
(Laughter)

545
00:36:14,100 --> 00:36:17,600
#... watched and went out of my mind #

546
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,500
And into the second to last corner.

547
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,600
And coming up now, it's Gambon next.

548
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:28,000
There it is. Wide, you've gone wide there
but you then cross the line.

549
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,000
(Applause)

550
00:36:30,900 --> 00:36:32,900
- Slow.
- No, you weren't!

551
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:34,300
It's slow.

552
00:36:34,300 --> 00:36:36,400
I haven't beaten Gambon.

553
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,100
I haven't beaten Gambon, that was slow.

554
00:36:38,100 --> 00:36:44,200
You did it in one minute fifty... one...

555
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:45,900
- Ah!
...point eight.

556
00:36:45,900 --> 00:36:48,900
So, you go and give him
a round of applause, everyone,

557
00:36:48,900 --> 00:36:52,900
- because he did it faster than Helen Mirren.
- (Applause)

558
00:36:53,900 --> 00:36:55,100
You beat Helen Mirren.

559
00:36:55,100 --> 00:36:56,400
Well done!

560
00:36:59,700 --> 00:37:02,800
You are officially a faster driver
than Helen Mirren.

561
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,700
That's as close to Helen Mirren
as I'm ever gonna get. I love her.

562
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:07,600
Enjoy it, you could be there a while.

563
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,700
- Thank you.
- Shall we have a look at your lap?

564
00:37:09,700 --> 00:37:12,800
- Yeah!
- Ready, everybody? Play the tape.

565
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,700
0h, dear, he's gone wrong already.

566
00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:18,100
It's the handbrake.

567
00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:19,300
(Laughter)

568
00:37:19,300 --> 00:37:21,900
And we're off.

569
00:37:21,900 --> 00:37:23,900
Oh, no, stop!

570
00:37:25,300 --> 00:37:26,700
Now, this is looking...

571
00:37:27,900 --> 00:37:29,900
"slow" is the word I'm looking for.

572
00:37:29,900 --> 00:37:31,500
(Alan) I thought I was quite fast.

573
00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:33,800
- That's tidy.
- (Bleep)

574
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:35,100
(Laughter)

575
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:39,500
What this is is tidy.

576
00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:42,400
Stig's gonna be so proud of me for that one.

577
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:43,600
(Laughter)

578
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,800
You definitely were listening to the Stig,
weren't you?

579
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:48,000
Yeah.

580
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,900
You see, the slower you go...

581
00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:53,800
He told me, go up to fourth gear
for the fast bits,

582
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,100
and it was a revelation.

583
00:37:55,100 --> 00:37:57,000
There we go, this is fourth gear.

584
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,900
Fourth, still fourth.

585
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,900
- Whoa, it's quick!
- He told me fourth gear.

586
00:38:03,900 --> 00:38:06,800
That is quick. Now we've got
the second to last corner.

587
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,000
(Alan) I look like 0live from 0n The Buses.

588
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,000
- (Laughter)
- She's in that other car.

589
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,400
Here we go and he's across the line,
he's made it.

590
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:17,500
- (Applause)
- That was quick. Quicker than yours.

591
00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:18,800
Definitely quicker.

592
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,800
Sub-1:50, definitely. That was quick.

593
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:24,900
Ready?

594
00:38:24,900 --> 00:38:26,500
What was yours? One fifty one...

595
00:38:26,500 --> 00:38:27,900
Point eight.

596
00:38:27,900 --> 00:38:30,000
You were one fifty one...

597
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,800
...two.
- Oh!

598
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,400
- You are the quickest.
- Ah!

599
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,800
- (Applause)
- Give him a big hand, everybody.

600
00:38:38,900 --> 00:38:41,300
Have a look at that.

601
00:38:41,300 --> 00:38:42,700
Oh, my God!

602
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,500
Oh, thank you. Oh, my God!

603
00:38:46,500 --> 00:38:50,400
- Are you feeling humiliated?
- Yes, I was beaten by a much better man.

604
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,300
I was listening to a bit of Smooth FM,
that chilled me out.

605
00:38:53,300 --> 00:38:56,300
But you had a really smooth start,
bang on the lines.

606
00:38:56,300 --> 00:38:59,600
- Oh, yes.
- Really smooth, looked slow, is faster.

607
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,100
Looked slow, is faster - what a lovely thing,
I'll put that on my gravestone.

608
00:39:03,100 --> 00:39:04,600
(Laughter)

609
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,700
"He looks slow but he drove fast."

610
00:39:06,700 --> 00:39:09,900
Listen, guys, it's been an absolute joy
having you here.

611
00:39:09,900 --> 00:39:12,400
Ladies and gentlemen, JLC and Alan Carr!

612
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,500
- (Applause)
- Thank you so much.

613
00:39:19,300 --> 00:39:25,200
Now, you know those police crash action,
stop, kill, emergency programs?

614
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:27,900
They're always full of brilliant stuff like this.

615
00:39:27,900 --> 00:39:29,900
(Sirens)

616
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:45,000
Yeah, OK, that's great.

617
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:48,300
Then the announcer comes on and he goes,
"We got a clip from England land,"

618
00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:52,000
and you die of shame
cos you know what's coming next.

619
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:53,400
Here we go, yeah.

620
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:58,000
It's a fat bobby in an Astra
and he's driven onto someone's lawn

621
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,300
to get away from a teenager
who's throwing pebbles at him.

622
00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:03,600
- (Laughter)
- Now, the problem is,

623
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,300
that the British police daren't crash their cars,

624
00:40:06,300 --> 00:40:09,200
cos they haven't got enough money
to fix them up again.

625
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:10,700
That gave us an idea.

626
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:14,400
Why spend L9,000
on a brand-new Astra diesel?

627
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:18,100
Buy used cars, then when you crash them,
just get another.

628
00:40:18,100 --> 00:40:20,300
So, the producers
gave each of us a thousand quid,

629
00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:23,800
told us to buy something which we thought
would work as a police car.

630
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,600
Then we were told to go to
the Top Gear Technology Centre,

631
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,300
where we'd be given
a number of challenges.

632
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,400
I was the first to arrive.

633
00:40:38,300 --> 00:40:42,100
OK, what I've got here is a Fiat Coupé.

634
00:40:42,100 --> 00:40:47,900
I paid L900 for it, so the police could buy
getting on for ten of these,

635
00:40:47,900 --> 00:40:49,900
for the cost of one Astra,

636
00:40:49,900 --> 00:40:53,100
and this is the 20-valve five-cylinder
turbo version,

637
00:40:53,100 --> 00:40:56,200
so it does 152 miles an hour.

638
00:40:56,200 --> 00:41:00,600
And of course, if it were ever to appear on
one of those police crash accident programs,

639
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,700
it would make our officers look rakish.

640
00:41:03,700 --> 00:41:07,400
Sadly, the same couldn't be said
of James's car.

641
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:09,900
Masonry opens door, James.

642
00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:11,900
- Here, look, let me show you.
- Morning.

643
00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:14,000
To join the police
you have to be in the Masons.

644
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:18,000
You've got a Mason's car, therefore
I'm doing the secret handshake. (Laughs)

645
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:19,200
Morning.

646
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:21,300
- It's a Lexus, James.
- It is, yes.

647
00:41:21,300 --> 00:41:23,700
- And you paid?
- L900.

648
00:41:23,700 --> 00:41:26,400
You could've had one of these.
I paid 900 for that. Much better.

649
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:28,800
- OK, the police has a recruitment problem.
- Yes.

650
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,700
So, you've got an advert saying
"Wanted, policeman to spend all day

651
00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:34,100
"driving around in very boring Lexus",

652
00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:38,500
or "Policeman wanted to drive 20-valve
turbocharged R-registered Fiat Coupé."

653
00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:40,700
To the garage.

654
00:41:40,700 --> 00:41:42,600
- There's nothing wrong with it.
- Not yet.

655
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:46,000
0ur argument was then brought
to a shuddering halt.

656
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,800
- (Laughs)
- It is!

657
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,100
Officer Barmy has arrived.

658
00:41:51,100 --> 00:41:52,700
(Laughs)

659
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:00,000
Yeah!

660
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,800
- They all run round in Range Rovers.
- This is the police, not a hairdressing salon.

661
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:05,700
You see police in Range Rovers all the time.

662
00:42:05,700 --> 00:42:08,800
This is a budget,
but I think pretty nifty alternative.

663
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:14,700
It is an 1994 Suzuki Vitara 1.6 JLX SE.

664
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,800
How will it look when you go
to someone's house

665
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:20,600
to tell them their husband's just been killed
in an industrial accident?

666
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,500
(Laughs)

667
00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:25,300
# Deedly-dee-dee, deedly-dee-dee,
dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!

668
00:42:25,300 --> 00:42:29,300
James and Richard then set about
my Don Johnson-mobile.

669
00:42:29,500 --> 00:42:34,400
So you're gonna climb into the cab of the
AA recovery vehicle and say "Follow that."

670
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:39,100
"You're nicked and have you got a fan belt
for an old Fiat, cos it's back there."

671
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:44,300
But I retaliated
by demonstrating a special feature.

672
00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:46,100
Can you open the boot?

673
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:49,200
- You see?
- Yeah.

674
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,000
An armed siege, OK?

675
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,700
I'm pinned down in the car by Robert De Niro.

676
00:42:53,700 --> 00:42:57,700
I need to get at my M16. I just come through
here without getting out of the car.

677
00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:00,500
It really was time for a challenge.

678
00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:03,800
We don't yet know what we've got to do.

679
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:07,800
Well, if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover
in gay clubs, you're right there already.

680
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,800
(Laughter)

681
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:14,100
- We've got a challenge here, boys.
- Don't let it have the word Brighton in it.

682
00:43:16,100 --> 00:43:20,700
"Now that you have your cars,
you must each use your skill and ingenuity

683
00:43:20,700 --> 00:43:25,600
"to turn them into the perfect modern
police car, for no more than L500."

684
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:30,900
"You must meet up at the track for a series
of tests to find out which one is best."

685
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:36,400
(James) A few days, and several pots of paint
later, we were ready,

686
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,500
and I was the first to arrive.

687
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,300
Morning all.

688
00:43:46,300 --> 00:43:49,600
Here's what I've done.
Classic British police livery, classic stripes,

689
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,600
the inverted plant-pot blue light,
as you'd expect,

690
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:55,200
and a mission statement for the modern age -

691
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:58,900
"Catching crims and locking them up,
in your community."

692
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:03,500
Oh, good God, the Carabinieri have arrived.

693
00:44:04,900 --> 00:44:07,500
Feast upon my magnificence.

694
00:44:07,500 --> 00:44:11,000
Hang on, stand aside. What's that?

695
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:15,000
Boadicea conquered the entire Roman army
using something very similar to this,

696
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,800
so I should be able to easily conquer
four hoodies in a stolen Datsun.

697
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:22,200
What if you pull up by the pavement
and women and children are walking about?

698
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,700
They'll have their legs cut off.

699
00:44:23,700 --> 00:44:26,400
"In jail no one can hear you scream" - scary.

700
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:29,000
Boadicea wheel attachments - scary.

701
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,300
You, presumably, have nothing.

702
00:44:31,300 --> 00:44:33,700
Wrong - these four nozzles...

703
00:44:33,700 --> 00:44:35,500
- Yeah.
...are paint guns.

704
00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:38,600
So, you drive in front of the crims
who are trying to get away.

705
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:41,400
These fire a great cloud of pink paint
all over the windscreen

706
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,100
and they have to stop cos they can't see.

707
00:44:43,100 --> 00:44:47,600
All you'll do with this is generate headlines -
police chop more people's feet off.

708
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:51,200
All you're going to do with this
is respray the front of people's cars.

709
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,100
James then demonstrated his siren...

710
00:44:54,100 --> 00:44:58,100
- (Chiming tune)
...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.

711
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:04,000
They're gonna be really impressed with that
on an American police video.

712
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,500
No, they stop for an ice cream
and then they're nicked.

713
00:45:06,500 --> 00:45:09,100
Mine was much more hi-tech.

714
00:45:09,100 --> 00:45:10,900
(Cow mooing)

715
00:45:10,900 --> 00:45:13,600
No, wait, that's the cow.

716
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,400
Things were not going well...

717
00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:18,900
...and then they got worse.

718
00:45:21,900 --> 00:45:24,700
- (Neighing)
- Oh, God in heaven!

719
00:45:24,700 --> 00:45:26,100
The Pet Cop Boys are here.

720
00:45:26,100 --> 00:45:29,000
- Yeah.
- No, wait, The Police.

721
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,200
Yeah, well, the police are coming -
the police.

722
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:33,400
# Da-do-do-do, da-da-da-da #

723
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,300
You saw me coming, didn't you?

724
00:45:35,300 --> 00:45:39,300
One problem the police face - getting someone
out of the way with blues and twos on.

725
00:45:39,300 --> 00:45:42,300
I've got a lot of blues and twos -
they will see me coming.

726
00:45:42,300 --> 00:45:43,700
I've gotta ask, OK?

727
00:45:43,700 --> 00:45:45,600
- You noticed that.
- Yeah, this is...

728
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:48,000
It's genius. It's a stinger.

729
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:51,600
OK, you get word over your radio
that you might need to stop a baddie.

730
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:55,100
Rather than pulling out and blocking
with your car, which is dangerous,

731
00:45:55,100 --> 00:45:57,700
you just stop very quickly and then...

732
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:03,900
It was unmistakably a doormat
with some nails in it,

733
00:46:03,900 --> 00:46:05,800
so we moved on.

734
00:46:06,900 --> 00:46:09,800
"A police car has to be fast.

735
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,900
"To see how quick your cars are,

736
00:46:11,900 --> 00:46:14,000
"the Stig will now drive one timed lap

737
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:19,200
"in the standard British police issue
Vauxhall Astra diesel.

738
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:22,200
"All you have to do is beat his time
in your cars.

739
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:26,200
"Bonus points will be awarded
for flamboyant driving style,

740
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:30,400
"which will look good
on a police kill action program."

741
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:32,100
- Yes.
- Yes!

742
00:46:32,100 --> 00:46:34,200
- Right!
- Flamboyant and fast.

743
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,000
Only one person can win this.

744
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,200
Three, two, one.

745
00:46:42,200 --> 00:46:43,900
(Siren)

746
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,200
He's proceeding in a westerly direction.

747
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:52,700
Giving the British police cars like that
to save money

748
00:46:52,700 --> 00:46:56,200
is the same as the Queen saying "Changing
the guard, they can all wear Primark."

749
00:46:58,700 --> 00:47:02,400
Here come the British army, they're wearing
beach towels because that saves money.

750
00:47:04,300 --> 00:47:07,100
How would the Blues Brothers have looked?

751
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:12,000
And there he is. How long?

752
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,400
One minute forty-eight.

753
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:18,800
1.48 is quicker than most of our celebrities
drive round here in the Lacetti.

754
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:20,900
- Is it?
- Yes. "Is it?"!

755
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,600
Then it was our turn,

756
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,000
and The Gentle Touch went first.

757
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,900
Three, two, one, go.

758
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:31,700
- Well, that began.
- He pulled away.

759
00:47:31,700 --> 00:47:32,900
I pulled away.

760
00:47:32,900 --> 00:47:38,800
Sadly, James's idea of flamboyant driving
isn't quite the same as everyone else's.

761
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:41,300
That'll look excellent.

762
00:47:41,300 --> 00:47:43,200
I wonder if it's got traction control.

763
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:45,000
I don't think it's necessary.

764
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:49,600
A tire squeal from the 1970s.

765
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:52,800
Left.

766
00:47:53,500 --> 00:47:55,500
I hope you like prison food, crims.

767
00:47:56,700 --> 00:47:58,100
Looking good.

768
00:47:58,100 --> 00:48:00,000
Cock.

769
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,900
- A bit of tire squeal.
- We better get out of the way.

770
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:06,500
(Laughs)

771
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:11,100
Oh!

772
00:48:11,100 --> 00:48:12,800
Can I help you, sir?

773
00:48:13,300 --> 00:48:14,600
That's not bad.

774
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:17,900
It's two minutes point 03.

775
00:48:17,900 --> 00:48:20,100
Two minutes, James!

776
00:48:22,100 --> 00:48:25,200
I was next to give it a bash in my Fiat.

777
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:28,700
But before I do, I wanna make it look good,
so I brought this.

778
00:48:28,700 --> 00:48:31,600
- Oo-er.
- Right, you're on your own.

779
00:48:32,500 --> 00:48:34,500
You see, you go for the soft focus.

780
00:48:34,500 --> 00:48:39,200
Now, when I set off,
that swooping J turn, soft focus.

781
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:42,100
(Richard) You're just going for extra points
for flamboyance.

782
00:48:47,900 --> 00:48:50,600
Oh, damn and blast!

783
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:53,300
- Oh, that's good.
- A lot of points there.

784
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:59,000
Are we in soft focus as well?

785
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,400
No.

786
00:49:01,500 --> 00:49:03,100
Ah, I fear my...

787
00:49:03,100 --> 00:49:08,700
Yes, I fear the Boadicea wheel attachments
have affected the wheel balance somewhat.

788
00:49:08,700 --> 00:49:11,600
- It wasn't an option on the original car.
- No Boadicea spikes.

789
00:49:11,600 --> 00:49:14,500
You didn't hear people saying,
"I've got a Fiat Coupé,

790
00:49:14,500 --> 00:49:18,100
"it's great, but I just wish the rear wheels
were a bit heavier and out of balance."

791
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,100
Gotta look good. They're gonna cut in
for a shot of the driver.

792
00:49:30,500 --> 00:49:34,400
I hear a lot of noise, but not a lot of movement.
It's very much like Jeremy, that car.

793
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,800
- I'm suggesting getting back.
- Yeah.

794
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:42,600
I'm thinking further.
With those things on the side.

795
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:45,500
Further still.

796
00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:48,400
And then a flourish to the finish...

797
00:49:50,100 --> 00:49:52,400
...and flash the lights.

798
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:54,400
What about that?

799
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:56,100
What did I do it in?

800
00:49:56,100 --> 00:49:58,000
Two minutes dead. (Laughs)

801
00:49:59,900 --> 00:50:01,600
Two minutes and eight seconds.

802
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,700
- What, slower than yours?
- Yes, sir.

803
00:50:03,700 --> 00:50:06,200
But without the J turn.

804
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:09,000
You chose to do the J turn.
We didn't make you.

805
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,900
You can't go up to a villain as a police officer,
"I didn't mean that."

806
00:50:12,900 --> 00:50:14,800
Can you come back
while I do my J turn again?

807
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:16,600
- Do you mind?
- What?

808
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,000
- Accept I won.
- Well, you just didn't.

809
00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:22,800
And finally,
from the Streets 0f San Francisco.

810
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:24,700
One, go!

811
00:50:25,900 --> 00:50:27,000
Yeah.

812
00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:30,900
- He's got four-wheel drive, hasn't he?
- Yeah.

813
00:50:30,900 --> 00:50:34,800
I lose the drama of the start
but at least it means I can go... (Bang)

814
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:36,600
I'm not in four-wheel drive anymore.

815
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:39,900
Painfully slow.

816
00:50:39,900 --> 00:50:43,600
How can I do flamboyant driving in this?
I need points.

817
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:51,100
Oh, no, he's broken the thing off.
He's broken his tongue.

818
00:50:51,100 --> 00:50:53,700
- I deployed my stinger there.
- Is he still on the...

819
00:50:53,700 --> 00:50:55,300
Hello!

820
00:50:56,500 --> 00:50:58,900
Oh, yeah, look at that!

821
00:50:58,900 --> 00:51:00,300
That'll look good in slow-motion.

822
00:51:00,300 --> 00:51:02,400
- You never thought to do that.
- I didn't.

823
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:04,100
Past the gratuitous boxes.

824
00:51:07,100 --> 00:51:08,600
That was to make it look good.

825
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:12,600
Step back, because who knows,
handling-wise, what might happen there.

826
00:51:13,700 --> 00:51:15,700
It's packing up.

827
00:51:22,300 --> 00:51:25,600
- It's gotta be points off for that.
- Yeah. That's not flamboyant.

828
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:31,600
(Jeremy laughs)

829
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,100
There's an electrical problem.

830
00:51:36,700 --> 00:51:39,600
Three minutes fourteen.
Have you seen the front of your car?

831
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:43,600
Yeah, but, you see, you get points
for flamboyance, remember.

832
00:51:43,700 --> 00:51:45,700
Think of the spectacle I've just given.

833
00:51:45,700 --> 00:51:48,400
I'm gonna give you a big push and off.

834
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:52,200
- Go.
- (Engine sputters)

835
00:51:58,400 --> 00:52:00,500
What is it? Ambitious but rubbish.

836
00:52:01,900 --> 00:52:06,800
(Richard) For our next challenge we were told
to hot-foot it to the scene of an accident.

837
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,400
(Ice-cream chimes)

838
00:52:15,900 --> 00:52:20,900
"As you can see, the road has been blocked
with a crash." This here. You see?

839
00:52:20,900 --> 00:52:25,500
"Normally, it would take authorities six hours
to get the road open again.

840
00:52:25,500 --> 00:52:28,800
"You will now demonstrate that it's possible
to be much quicker than that."

841
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,900
Well, it is, we don't have to
wrap them all in tinfoil blankets,

842
00:52:31,900 --> 00:52:33,800
we don't have to offer them counseling,

843
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,200
we don't have to fill in health and safety forms
until a week on Tuesday.

844
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:39,900
- We can clear this in no time.
- This is our chance to prove it.

845
00:52:39,900 --> 00:52:44,300
"If you haven't got the job done in two minutes,
motorists will be allowed to pelt you with food."

846
00:52:44,300 --> 00:52:45,200
Good idea.

847
00:52:47,700 --> 00:52:51,700
(James) With the clock ticking, Richard and I
decided to take care of the cars,

848
00:52:51,900 --> 00:52:54,300
while Jeremy took care of the wounded.

849
00:52:56,100 --> 00:52:58,700
We were working well as a team.

850
00:52:58,700 --> 00:53:00,300
I'm towing that car!

851
00:53:00,300 --> 00:53:02,000
Sort of.

852
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:04,500
I've got a live one here.

853
00:53:04,500 --> 00:53:08,000
And as a result,
we had most of the wreckage...

854
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:11,100
...and the bigger body parts,
cleared in good time.

855
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,900
The road is clear.

856
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:26,900
While we've been busy at the crash scene,
the real police had turned up.

857
00:53:26,900 --> 00:53:31,900
They wanted to demonstrate the official
procedure for stopping a stolen car.

858
00:53:31,900 --> 00:53:35,000
The operator will dispatch a police vehicle.

859
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:40,400
Yeah, Hotel Papa Nine One,
Lima Three Seven Five, Tango Papa Tango,

860
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:44,000
a BMW, color silver, lost/stolen report. Proceed.

861
00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:47,000
Throughout this, the pursuing vehicle
will be giving a commentary

862
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:49,800
for all the vehicles
that are engaged in this stop.

863
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,500
The vehicle is failing to stop, failing to stop.

864
00:53:52,500 --> 00:53:56,300
The vehicles will be given instructions
to move off by the pursuing vehicle.

865
00:53:56,300 --> 00:53:58,500
It does seem like quite a faff.

866
00:53:58,500 --> 00:54:01,000
- It is a palaver, to be honest.
- Very involved.

867
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:08,500
You know they have to fulfill 13 separate health
and safety criteria before they can do this.

868
00:54:08,500 --> 00:54:09,700
He could be abroad by then.

869
00:54:09,700 --> 00:54:13,000
Once the criteria's fulfilled,
they will attempt to stop the vehicle.

870
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,000
Nearside, nearside.

871
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,400
And under the instruction
of the grand commander,

872
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:19,400
they will get the vehicle into position,

873
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:22,200
where they can surround it,
box it and stop it.

874
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:25,800
Just wind the window down,
draw alongside and blow his head off.

875
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:27,400
Or, ram him off the road.

876
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,100
Keep it rolling.

877
00:54:29,100 --> 00:54:31,000
The police won't ram him off the road

878
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,400
because their cars are valuable -
about 30 grand each.

879
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,100
Straighten up and stop, stop, stop.

880
00:54:36,100 --> 00:54:37,900
This is where our idea comes in.

881
00:54:37,900 --> 00:54:41,800
And for once, the challenge
was just what we'd hoped for.

882
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:43,900
"You will now demonstrate to the police

883
00:54:43,900 --> 00:54:47,100
"how your cheap cars can be used
to stop a stolen car,

884
00:54:47,100 --> 00:54:52,300
"without using L125,000 worth of Volvo,
the RAF,

885
00:54:52,300 --> 00:54:55,200
"and 16 health and safety forms.

886
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:58,000
"And just to make your task
that little bit harder,

887
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:01,800
"the BMW will be driven by... Ronnie Stiggs."

888
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:02,900
Oh!

889
00:55:05,300 --> 00:55:09,800
Keen to try out his paint gadget,
Inspector Morose went first.

890
00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:12,300
There goes a member of the criminal classes.

891
00:55:13,300 --> 00:55:16,400
So, we're now watching James
in a hot pursuit situation?

892
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:19,900
Yeah. How long have you got
before you have to go home tonight?

893
00:55:21,900 --> 00:55:24,300
- He's shuffling!
- He's giving it the police shuffle.

894
00:55:24,300 --> 00:55:27,500
Shuffling the wheel according to
the police roadcraft driving manual.

895
00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:30,900
- Hang on, James's plan is to deploy his paint.
- Yes.

896
00:55:30,900 --> 00:55:35,800
Now that relies entirely
upon him being in front of anybody else.

897
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:37,700
(James) Luckily, I had a plan.

898
00:55:38,700 --> 00:55:40,400
Right, watch this.

899
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,800
(Jeremy) I know what he's doing.

900
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:45,700
He's gonna wait for him to come round again,
and then pick him up.

901
00:55:45,700 --> 00:55:49,500
I can see the miscreant approaching
in my rear-view mirror.

902
00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:53,100
But this sitting around waiting for the baddie
to come round again!

903
00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:55,300
It could work on the M25 perhaps.

904
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:00,300
(Ice-cream van chime)

905
00:56:00,300 --> 00:56:02,200
He's pounced, he's pounced.

906
00:56:02,200 --> 00:56:04,400
- Now, is he deploying?
- No!

907
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,600
- Oh, I say!
- It works, look at the windscreen!

908
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:11,700
- It works!
- That is brilliant.

909
00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:13,100
I'm amazed.

910
00:56:13,100 --> 00:56:16,400
Sadly, there was one invention
James hadn't considered.

911
00:56:18,700 --> 00:56:21,700
- (Richard laughs)
- Well, he's just put his wipers on!

912
00:56:24,100 --> 00:56:26,700
(James) So, would Hammond have any success?

913
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:33,200
So, a 1.6 liter... salon.

914
00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:36,400
Come on, come on, come on, give chase!

915
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:38,100
No, look, that's pathetic.

916
00:56:39,300 --> 00:56:41,600
I'm a police officer, I shall never give up.

917
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,400
- Ah!
- Ah, you see!

918
00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:46,900
Now, thanks to four-wheel drive,

919
00:56:46,900 --> 00:56:50,400
I could intercept the Stig
and deploy my stinger.

920
00:56:51,100 --> 00:56:55,700
(Jeremy) This is L900 plus a bit of doormat
with some nails in it. Here we go.

921
00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:02,100
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

922
00:57:02,100 --> 00:57:04,100
(Jeremy, laughing) He missed!

923
00:57:05,200 --> 00:57:08,200
- (James) Oh, no, he's driven round it.
- (Both laugh)

924
00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:11,100
The stinger needs to be longer.

925
00:57:11,100 --> 00:57:17,100
(James) Now, all hope of succeeding in this
challenge rested with Commodore Clarksonio.

926
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,900
In Jeremy's mind,
this is already a magnificent spectacle.

927
00:57:20,900 --> 00:57:23,900
What I like to do is play music... loud.

928
00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:25,600
It scares the hell out of them.

929
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:28,600
It's Robert Duvall, mate.

930
00:57:31,300 --> 00:57:34,200
I'm gonna try something
the Americans call pitting.

931
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:38,500
If I put my car along his rear wing
and push his back end out.

932
00:57:38,500 --> 00:57:43,900
He counter-steers, I then brake
and of course, it shoots the other way.

933
00:57:43,900 --> 00:57:47,900
Unfortunately,
none of what I just said happened.

934
00:57:49,900 --> 00:57:51,200
So, there's nothing for it.

935
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,300
I'm gonna deploy my Boadiceas.

936
00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:56,900
I don't think he'll take Stiggs alive.

937
00:57:58,400 --> 00:57:59,900
Any second now.

938
00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:06,200
Oh, that's uncomfortable.

939
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:07,600
I presume at some point

940
00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:10,100
- there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
- Yeah.

941
00:58:10,100 --> 00:58:12,200
Come on!

942
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:14,900
Yeah, take that!

943
00:58:21,500 --> 00:58:24,500
(Richard) I think it could be time
to admit failure.

944
00:58:24,500 --> 00:58:26,900
- See.
- That could've been, erm...

945
00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:30,600
Something's gone wrong with the handling.

946
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:35,000
You lot failed to apprehend the miscreant.

947
00:58:36,100 --> 00:58:37,400
We are rubbish.

948
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:40,300
We're not doing as well
as we thought we would.

949
00:58:40,300 --> 00:58:42,000
(Applause)

950
00:58:48,700 --> 00:58:50,000
OK...

951
00:58:51,300 --> 00:58:52,800
...the scores.

952
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:55,000
Right, the scores, so here we go.

953
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:58,000
First, cost - you got a point for every pound
you were under a thousand,

954
00:58:58,000 --> 00:59:01,800
so, James, a hundred for you, Jeremy,
a hundred, two hundred and fifty.

955
00:59:01,800 --> 00:59:03,900
- Was your car 750 quid?
- Yes, it was.

956
00:59:03,900 --> 00:59:05,700
- (Laughter)
- It was.

957
00:59:05,700 --> 00:59:09,700
Then speed. You get a point for every
second you were faster than the Stig,

958
00:59:09,700 --> 00:59:11,700
or lose one for every one you were slower.

959
00:59:11,700 --> 00:59:15,700
James, minus 12 for you,
minus 20, Jeremy, minus 72 for me.

960
00:59:15,900 --> 00:59:17,500
Rightly so.

961
00:59:17,500 --> 00:59:19,900
Then flamboyance.
How flamboyantly you drove.

962
00:59:19,900 --> 00:59:21,900
I've got the judges' results here.

963
00:59:21,900 --> 00:59:25,700
James, they said you weren't flamboyant,
you got nothing, sorry.

964
00:59:25,700 --> 00:59:28,100
- (Laughter)
- No points at all.

965
00:59:28,100 --> 00:59:31,100
Then Jeremy,
neither were you, none, sorry.

966
00:59:31,100 --> 00:59:33,300
- I did a J turn!
- You put Vaseline on the lens,

967
00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:35,600
- we couldn't see it, you fool!
- That's rubbish!

968
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:37,700
I got a point for driving through the boxes.

969
00:59:37,700 --> 00:59:39,900
Your tongue fell off.

970
00:59:39,900 --> 00:59:41,700
A bit, a bit. I made it.

971
00:59:41,700 --> 00:59:45,100
- This is ridiculous!
- Finally, the decider, arresting the Stig.

972
00:59:45,100 --> 00:59:48,600
OK, James, you got nothing for that.

973
00:59:48,600 --> 00:59:51,000
- That gives you 88.
- You didn't get him.

974
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:57,300
I got nothing, so that gives me 179.

975
00:59:57,300 --> 00:59:59,700
You've been building up tension,
haven't you?

976
00:59:59,700 --> 01:00:04,900
So, if I get a hundred for my Boadiceas,
I've won.

977
01:00:04,900 --> 01:00:06,500
- Yeah.
- Did I?

978
01:00:06,500 --> 01:00:09,100
- No, funnily enough, no.
- (Laughter)

979
01:00:09,100 --> 01:00:13,900
- You got 98, which means you get 178.
- (Laughter)

980
01:00:13,900 --> 01:00:17,100
- I'm sorry, no, hang on, hang on.
- (Applause)

981
01:00:17,100 --> 01:00:18,900
No!

982
01:00:19,700 --> 01:00:25,900
Show me... where it says I conveniently
ended up with one point less than you.

983
01:00:25,900 --> 01:00:28,500
- No.
- (Laughter)

984
01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:29,700
You've eaten it?

985
01:00:29,700 --> 01:00:31,500
Yes, I have.

986
01:00:31,500 --> 01:00:33,800
(Laughter)

987
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:37,800
Well, since I'm not prepared
to go through your stools in the morning...

988
01:00:37,900 --> 01:00:39,200
Oh, well.

989
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:44,000
...we have to conclude that the best car
for the British police

990
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:46,700
is a Suzuki Vitara
with a doormat on the front.

991
01:00:46,700 --> 01:00:48,400
- (Laughter)
- Yes.

992
01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,100
And on that blatant lie, it's time to end.

993
01:00:51,100 --> 01:00:53,100
Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next week.

994
01:00:53,100 --> 01:00:56,200
Or, if you're watching this on Dave,
we'll see you in a minute.

995
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:57,400
Take care, bye-bye.

996
01:00:57,400 --> 01:00:58,800
(Applause)