Tonight, we completely save the countryside.
James and I completely ruin London.
And there be dragons in the reasonably priced car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello and welcome!
And we start tonight where we finished off last week,
with the incredible Nissan GT-R.
Really.
We know that this car is faster round the Nuerburgring
than a Porsche 911 Turbo, which costs twice as much.
We know it's faster across Japan than the bullet train.
But what we don't know, cos last week I was on the public roads
and it was fitted with an electronic speed muzzle,
is what it's like when you really put your foot down.
So when the race was over,
I stayed in Japan for an extra day to see if I could find out.
This is the Fuji race circuit.
There's no speed limit here.
No traffic either.
And best of all,
no need to be worried by the Nissan speed governor.
On normal roads, all Japanese cars
But the GT-R satnav system knows when it gets to a racetrack...
..And simply turns the limiter off.
First of all, I must apologise for the sunglasses.
This is because yesterday I picked up a hideous eye infection.
And I really don't think you want to see it.
This though I think you do want to see.
Flap your paddle gearbox into manual.
We put the gearbox itself into race mode,
the suspension into race mode,
we put that button down to engage the launch control.
Left foot on the brake. Build up the revs.
Here we go!
God!
It's hard to say how much power the GT-R develops,
because each engine, as I said last week, is hand built.
Each one is therefore a little bit different.
But I think they put a million horsepower in this one,
because the acceleration is just blistering. It's just savage!
God! Face-ripping!
With the launch control engaged,
I did 0-60 in three and a half seconds.
And flat out, it's even more impressive.
Partly that's down to the million horsepower 3.8 litre twin turbo V6.
And partly it's down to the shape of the body.
It looks like a discordant mess, like Stravinsky designed it.
But every crease and every angle, even on the door mirrors,
is there to channel air to that big rear spoiler.
The result is absolute stability and a top speed of...
Well, since this track has the longest straight
of any Grand Prix circuit, let's find out.
160kph there.
90!
220...
Come on!
240!
Into sixth gear at 250kph.
260... 275...
I'm on the brakes.
It will eventually do 193mph,
and that's impressive for a car that's quiet and comfortable,
a car with four seats and a boot.
And it's especially impressive
when you think it wasn't really built for straight line speed.
Mostly it was built to mash your mind in the corners.
The axles are assembled on hydraulic rigs that replicate the weight of the car,
so the geometry is bang on
before the suspension is bolted to the body.
It uses its yaw sensor and G-sensor to measure actual yaw rate,
and can then adjust the DampTronic shock absorbers
and the four-wheel drive system every hundredth of a second
to bring the car into line with a pre-ordained target.
I don't understand any of that.
But I do understand this.
The GT-R can corner so fast and so violently,
each wheel has a special knurling on the rim
to stop the tyres coming off.
It is extremely hard to explain how this feels.
Agony is probably the best word.
The onboard readout is telling me that in that last corner
I generated one and a fifth more sideways gravity.
I wish my collar had a knurled rim - it would stop my head coming off!
When you really get going at this kind of speed,
you expect to feel detached from the action,
like you're playing a video game, just pressing buttons.
But incredibly, it feels mechanical.
It feels analogue, it feels human.
It feels fan-bleeding-tastic!
I thought when I drove the Mitsubishi Evo-10 the other day
that there was no way the GT-R could be worth twice as much money.
I just thought there's no way it could be twice as good.
But it is.
And some!
They haven't built a new car here,
they've build a new yardstick.
Now at this point I was going to tell you
about the incredible brakes and the turbo whistle,
and how Lotus secretly developed the spine of this car.
But before I had a chance, I had a bit of a problem.
Agh!
My neck's just gone.
What I need is painkillers.
Honestly, I hate to cause the fuss because...
APPLAUSE
You hopeless old fart - a Datsun broke your neck!
It was already weakened,
from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
LAUGHTER
Amazing rescue service they've got there, isn't it?
I was very pleased to see that someone had brought a lawnmower.
And a bin lorry.
The dustbin lorry did put the fear of God into me.
Much like I did with them actually when I took my sunglasses off -
"Oh, look at his eye, it's disgusting!"
I'll tell you the problem.
You know a lot of modern cars have those headlamps that swivel when you turn the steering wheel? Yes.
Do you know why the GT-R doesn't have that?
Save weight?
No, it's because the motors in that sort of headlamp can't keep up
with the speed that thing changes direction.
Honestly, it's just unbelievable. It corners faster than electricity.
Wouldn't it be great to know how fast it would go round our track?
Yeah, problem is, you think it's in Japan.
But it isn't. We've flown it 9,000 miles so it can be here today
in the hands of our tame racing driver.
Now some say that he isn't allowed by law
within a hundred yards of Lorraine Kelly.
LAUGHTER
And that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear,
because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders.
All we know is he's called Bergerac.
And he's off! Now remember, this £53,000 car
has monstered a 300g McLaren round the Nuerburgring.
But I doubt it will do that here, because this is a power circuit.
Very tidy through the first corner.
Stig's neck, of course, made of weapons grade titanium.
And he's still all over Elton John. Let's hope he showers afterwards.
That is planted around Chicago. A little wiggle on the way out.
Hammerhead - will the big V6 upfront drag it wide?
Not a chance.
Look at that - the Stig, four-wheel drifting for Japan
even though he thinks it's a fictional place.
OK, the follow through. Bang up the double clutch gearbox.
Sounds like a fighter jet through the tires!
Second to last corner, digital car and analogue animal in perfect harmony.
Gambon...
Super tidy, and across the line!
APPLAUSE
Mm.
Now...
Now, I was expecting it to be around here.
The Ferrari 430,
the Murcielago 1,22, 1,23.
It did it, 1,19.7.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's a £53,000 four-seater saloon car.
And it's quicker than Carrera GT, McLaren SLR...
Genuinely staggering.
Crikey! Small wonder that beat the bullet train.
Anyway, this week Renault have sent us something
they think we'd like to see.
And here it is - it's a mobile telephone.
Now your mobile telephone may come with something like a camera.
This one comes with a car.
And here it is, it's the Megane Coupe Concept.
And the amazing thing about it is,
it's all operated using this telephone.
I have, for example, just opened the 1970s doors with it.
I can also switch on the headlights like that.
On the inside, I can even turn on the funky disco lighting.
You can do pretty much everything on this car using the telephone.
You can even start the engine.
The only problem is they're never gonna put it into production.
I have better news from France,
because this is the Peugeot 308 RCZ,
and they are going to put this into production.
Well, look at it! It's fabulous.
It's got the same 1.6 litre turbo-charged engine
you get in a 207 GTi and a Mini Cooper S.
But it's been tweaked to give 218 horsepower.
Up here this double bubble carbon fibre roof also produces down force,
so this car doesn't have to have an ugly spoiler on the boot lid.
Yeah. Not all brilliant though.
Peugeot say it's got four seats,
but I mean, come on, even I'd struggle to get in there!
You're probably better folding them flat, which you can,
and if you do that,
Peugeot say there's room in the boot for a mountain bike.
Now we've heard this car will be coming to Britain in 2010
at prices starting from £20,000. How about that?
And I think actually, Hammond, that on that basis,
the Scirocco that we had in a couple of weeks ago, possibly a bit dull?
Yeah. It also means I want to ask Peugeot a question.
If you could make this car all along,
why did you waste our time
with all that other dreary rubbish, you pillocks?
LAUGHTER OK, time to do the news.
And we're starting with...
Well, you know Mercedes now has the AMG division?
And then the AMG division now has the Black Ops division? Yes.
They're like Skunk Works were to Lockheed Martin.
We tested the CLK Black recently, OK?
There's a new one. SL Black. Really?
Trust me, you wanna see this - look at this.
Ooh! Just unbelievable.
It's got six litre V12, twin turbo...
Enzo produces 650 horsepower.
That's 670!
1,200 torques, which they've had to limit to 1,000.
If you unleashed all of that in a fast start, you'd spin the planet the other way.
Suddenly gravity would be upside down.
It's gonna cost £250,000. Ouch!
But look at it this way.
Who's gonna say, "I know what, I'll spend £100,000 more
"on a McLaren SLR Mercedes, which is a little bit less powerful"?
Good point. It is.
That's Mercedes saying, "I've got two feet -
"I'll shoot myself in that one! That's better."
Right, moving on.
I've got a theory. Oh God, don't you start with theories,
we have enough with his every week! It's good.
Citroen is the only manufacturer that has a whole range of good looking cars. Very good. What?
Think about it. I am thinking about it. The Cross Dresser.
The Cross Dresser's the weak one,
but apart from that they're all good looking.
Think of another one. Picasso.
Ah, the Picasso - you say that, but there's a new one.
Anybody think that's not funky and good looking? It's not bad looking.
All right, C4.
C4's good, C5's good, C6...
Pluriel? Yes! Ha-ha! Cock, I forgot about that.
You forgot about that!
It's a good point though that.
Can anybody here think which car maker doesn't make an ugly car?
Across their whole range? Not an ugly car in their range? Alfa?
Alfa? No. No, 8C, Brera, 159...
All good looking cars.
I'm very sorry. But they've just announced the Mito, here it is.
And that is a minger!
That is a minger.
Has anybody else got any ideas?
Aston Martin? Aston Martin?
No. DB9 Convertibles.
It looks like it's bent.
Hummer
Hummer? Who said Hummer? Like your thinking!
They're consistently ugly across their range of one car.
And they're designed by Americans
who have the aesthetic ability of giraffes.
I know the answer to this.
There's a surprise.
Vauxhall. Eh?
What, are you sure?
No, he might have a point.
The Vectra is going to be replaced with the Insignia, which is a fantastic looking car.
They've got the Astra. Actually.. That's good looking.
Corsa's really good looking. Have you see the Agila?
We've got a picture of it here. Sweet!
Don't say sweet!
Wee little car.
Vauxhall is now the only carmaker in the world
that doesn't make an ugly car.
There's no real minger in the range. No, there isn't.
AUDIENCE MEMBER MUMBLES
What did you say, baldy?
I can't hear a word you're saying, I'm very old. What?
It's a small one they've just brought out, the Gilo?
The Agila? Gila?
Were you watching the television? LAUGHTER
That! See that. My favourite...
Come here. Look at that! It's sweeeeeet!
That's not the one in the showroom.
You've seen one in a Vauxhall showroom?
Yeah, over at Fareham.
It's ugly.
It's probably old, that's the problem.
Ugh. Camera got in the way.
It's unbelievable, nobody is listening to a word we say.
I was doing it in a high-pitched squeak. That's really pretty.
Anyone who buys one of those, I'll sleep with them.
Hilary Benn, the Environment Secretary,
has been on the television this week
and said he thinks the rise in fuel cost is a good thing,
because it will encourage people to use their cars less. Brilliant(!)
Thank you very much(!)
Let's not worry they've closed post offices, schools,
the doctors, everything in my area, because I can always drive to the nearest town...
No, I can't.
I tell you what this is. I tell you what this is.
This is from chapter one in left-wing dictatorship handbook.
Oh, God. No, list...
It is. Stalin, OK.
First thing he did, limit movement. Second thing, ID cards.
Know what I'm saying?
Third thing is curfews. Rudruth this week in Cornwall -
if you're not at home by 9:00pm you're down the Lubyanka,
Gordon Brown will pull your fingernails out.
We've just proved Gordon Brown is Stalin.
There he is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, good news. What?
The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brake force distribution.
Great!
We've all got motoring heroes, yeah? We've all got motoring heroes. Yeah.
A few of you will worship at the altar that is Lewis Hamilton. James Hunt.
Stirling Moss. Colin Chapman.
This week, Britain got a new motoring hero.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
Councillor Peter Greenhalgh from Swindon Borough Council.
He's in charge of transport and what this man has said this week
is that every year, Swindon Council is giving the Government £400,000
in exchange for the speed cameras that they put up around the town.
He says it's a blatant tax on the motorist,
and he is getting rid of every speed camera in Swindon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Standing ovation! Peter Greenhalgh!
Ladies and gentlemen, we had to honour him.
We can't just let this moment pass.
No. In the official register of interest,
it says he hasn't accepted any gifts or hospitality.
Well, that's gonna change right now, because we have this for him.
It is the Top Gear Trophy of Excellence
for Services to Common Sense.
It is yours, Mr Greenhalgh.
Services of Common Sense in the Face of Blatant Government Stupidity.
You want to pop up here and get that.
we've even provided you a chair, the Top Gear Throne of Gratitude.
It's for you. It's for you.
Peter, you come here and that is your chair.
Permanently here.
APPLAUSE
Can I just say though,
if you do live in or are gonna drive through Swindon over the next few weeks,
they're all gonna be watching to see if it works,
so please be careful.
If you do happen to have any sort of accident in Swindon,
wait until it's dark and push the wreckage into Devizes.
And then claim that you hit a speed camera.
Chrysler are about to announce that all cars across their range will come with Wi-Fi connectivity.
Eh? You get the device in the boot,
that allows you to hook up to the internet on the move.
It's very clever.
What, you'd be able to check your e-mails? Yeah.
Would you be able to look at Abi Titmuss's ladygarden?
They say it's for passengers only.
It really will be a case of I went on the M40 this week
and I found this.
LAUGHTER
You had to.
Now, if you want a comfortable, well-equipped four-seater
for around £25,000,
there are currently 30 different models on the market.
But these two, being old and odd,
decided none of them were good enough
and instead wanted to buy cars from the pages of history.
I should stress that what we've got coming up now
isn't the usual Top Gear cheap car challenge,
because these really are their cars.
The stupid...
This is what I've bought.
It's a 1972 Rolls Royce Corniche fixed head
with coachwork by HJ Mulliner Park Ward.
And it's everything I look for in a classic, luxury car.
It's quiet, it's supremely comfortable
and it's quintessentially British.
Frankly, if you have £25,000 to spend on classic luxury
and you don't buy one of these,
you're an imbecile.
See what I mean.
Reichsmarschall Goering has arrived.
Morgen!
This, James, as I'm sure you know, is a Mercedes 600 Grosse,
which was in 1963 the most expensive car in the world.
Overpriced then, like most Mercedes.
No! Does your car have a hydraulically operated sunshine roof?
No. Hydraulic windows? No. Hydraulic seats.
No. Hydraulic doors? No. Hydraulic boot lid?
No. Well, there you are. That's that then, is it?
You've just got a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
This is a coach built, hand-built car.
Hand-built is just another way of saying the door will fall off.
What's this called - Rolls-Royce Mulliner Park Ward?
H J Mulliner Park Ward. It just sounds like a plumbers convention.
Can I just show you something?
You see these little windows, do you know what they are for?
So that when you're in the back and the window is down, this stops the draught messing your hair up.
You've seen this as well? Has your car got these?
Curtains? Curtains. No, they go in caravans.
Are you ready for this? Yes. OK, ready?
That's brilliant, actually. I have to concede that because what I always found really difficult is this.
Plainly, this had to be settled and the only way Top Gear knows.
What the grocer did was cement Mercedes's reputation
for engineering integrity.
I think the only reason they didn't make it out of diamonds is because they're too weak and brittle.
And then there's the ride.
Just completely irons out the bumps.
James will be saying the same thing in that Ford Zephyr of his, I know he will.
Absolutely nothing is allowed to compromise the quality of the ride.
In fact, I like to believe that if you worked at Rolls Royce in the 1970s
and you ever used a word like handling or sporty...
you'd have been fired.
This was a car for heads of state, dictators if I'm honest.
People who had a 600 almost always had access to an air force.
That's why nobody carves it up. Partly cos it's got the loudest horn in the world and also because
I can call in air strike.
At the track our producers had laid on a series of tests.
The first inevitably involved Lord Stig.
OK, surprise me.
As you can see, the Stig is currently driving
a 1.1 litre Hyundai iEO down a slalom. It's an i10.
Some say that's his own car.
You will attempt to beat his time in your much more elaborate and sophisticated cars. Here he comes.
It's a proud and noble car that is.
With the Stig's marker laid down, the Rolls went first.
If this car had a monocle, it would fall out now.
I can't hold it, captain.
It's always a dignified spectacle.
HE LAUGHS
Cock.
He's reversing!
'This was ridiculous.'
Gonna be sick.
OK, so the Hyundai did it in 24.46 seconds and James...
That's not good, mate.
I had good reason to imagine the greengrocer will do better.
This is my secret weapon.
Pull it down and it increases the pressure in the shock absorbers
to £3,000 per square inch.
Cor!
It is cor! It will be like an F1 racer going down there.
'It wasn't.'
No, it's not quite as straight level as I might have hoped.
But unlike the Rolls it's turning circle was less than the width of the runway.
That's quite good, actually.
You've got to bear in mind if you got a dictator in the back and terrorists come,
you've got to get away quickly.
Oooh! It's a lot faster than Captain Slow.
Cock.
'So with the first blood to Mercedes it was time for our next challenge.'
"There will now be a quarter mile drag race between the two of you."
But it says the only thing is you aren't allowed to use your engines.
It says, "Old cars break down a lot and you should get used to pushing them out of harm's way."
A quarter of a mile pushing race?
I've put my back out just thinking about doing this.
You're trying to get out of it. Just say go. Are we ready?
THEY GROAN
I'm moving. I'm not. And I was already ahead.
I've got no tracks on these shoes.
How much does yours actually weigh?
2.2 tonnes. Mine's 2.8.
Hang on, you're getting ahead.
God, this is painful.
I can't go on. I've had a heart attack. I've won that.
Yes, you have, you've won.
I was still going. I don't care, I'm not going any more.
I bet I've got Ebola.
Mercifully the next test did involve our engines.
Which car could achieve the highest top speed?
I've reached five.
Buffeting. I've got 80.
90. Good God, the trim's coming off.
But with a six and three-quarter litre V8,
the final result should be impressive.
It wasn't.
Children come out of the womb faster than that!
Before James had stopped I fired up the 6.3 litre big.
Top speed of this car in 1969 was 128.
120 kph.
130.
160. There is, 100 miles an hour.
170.
Sto-o-o-p!
My brakes are on fire.
We can see the smoke.
It didn't stop and now it's on fire.
It still stopped better than me, I have to say.
Yeah, your stopping distance is rubbish.
With the score at 2-1 to the grocer, we were given the easiest challenge in the history of Top Gear.
Go to the centre of London and park.
On the way we stopped for a cup of tea and an argument about running costs.
My last service bill...
There it is.
£212 for a hosepipe!
Yes. What was yours?
Read it and weep. That's the last service bill.
Eh?!
50...
I misread that at first!
£15,950.59.
There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest.
What did it do, buy you a Golf?
In London our cars were plainly so much better than anyone else's.
Look at you, look at you in the back of your Beemer.
You just look like a businessman, not a dictator.
Look at him living out his Chairman Margaret Clarkson fantasy.
JAMES BLOWS HIS HORN Don't blow your horn, James,
or I'll blow mine back and then your ears will bleed.
Sure, our £25,000 cars were a bit enormous, but then
you need a lot of space when you're talking about this level of luxury.
This is my cocktail cabinet here.
Air-conditioning, of course, with mounting points for your shot glasses.
Here is an interesting early safety feature.
Window goes down. Window goes up, but stops a couple of inches short.
Then you press a little button...
and it closes. That's so you don't cut your finger off.
Look at this bus. Why does he have to do that?
You wouldn't do that to most 600 drivers, mate.
You'd be in the boot without your head.
Soon, though, without executing anyone, we were in the West End.
And all we had to do was park.
How hard could that be?
No... Double yellow lines. Single yellow line, double yellow line.
Turned out to be a nightmare because when we did come across a space it always had a Smug Mobile in it.
Look at them!
Two gee whizzes taking up one space, that's just selfish.
In May's Britain, that would be punishable by six months in prison.
Happily though, electric car drivers have no style.
So we headed for the one place we knew would be gee whiz.
Savile Row. There's always a parking space on Savile Row.
James, that's a parking space. I'm gonna have it.
'Now we could put this challenge to bed'.
I'm good at parallel parking. I lived in London for 18 years.
How am I doing? Badly.
Well, I am going to park if it kills me. Come on!
HORNS BLARE
HORNS CONTINUE No.
What exactly would you like me to do?
God, this is embarrassing.
RADIO 2 JINGLE PLAYS
RADIO: '..And that's affecting traffic going into Harrogate.
'We're getting a lot of calls about congestion and delays around Regent Street in central London.
'I don't know what's going on, but callers are saying it's a nightmare, so avoid it. That's it for now.
'More traffic news in half an hour'.
It's not going to fit, is it?
'So, bravely, I gave up'.
I'm really sorry about that.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
BLEEP
I do not know how long a standard London parking bay is,
but I suspect it's about a foot shorter than the Mercedes big.
'Eventually, we did find two end on spaces.
'However...'
Where do you put the money?
"Cards only".
'Annoyingly, the instructions were tiny, very tiny'.
Because of all the different languages spoken in London, it's all just signs. What's that?
Flag minus plus...it's...
That's where you put your PIN number, I'm sure.
Right, put your card back in.
"Selection avec bouton bleu..." That must...
BOTH: "Pagmento". Where's that from?
Hit everything. No, you've just cancelled it.
What was the matter with money? "Remove card". We haven't paid.
We've been thwarted.
'At the next place we found, you didn't need credit cards.
'However...'
'Customers are required to set up an account.
'You will need a valid credit or debit card.
'All transactions are subject...
'You are responsible for entering the correct vehicle location...parking regulation...
'Please check...find an alternative spaces when necessary.'
HOLD MUSIC PLAYS
How long have we been now? All my life.
'Bravely, we gave up again and headed for a traditional multi-storey'.
Look at that, a ticket to park a car.
'This was great. They take your money, however it comes, and in return, you get spaces'.
Yes!
I am in, I'm parked.
Ah.
Oh, no!
I...I can't get out.
'And James couldn't get in'.
It doesn't fit.
Which was making everyone very cross.
CAR HORN BEEPS Shut up!
OK, fine.
You want to have a horn race? Ready, steady...
HORN BLARES
Now, that's a horn!
'And it got us thrown out.
'It was becoming apparent that the large car driver cannot stop in London any more.
Because there are now so few petrol stations, it is also extremely difficult to keep going'.
Oh, bloody hell!
Jezza, I've run out.
Hang on, I'll give you a hand.
'In a normal car, this is not embarrassing. However...'
WORKMEN CHEER SARCASTICALLY
Jezza, help, help, help!
Just push it. I'm going to get... I'm going to get raped or something.
Come on, man, turn the wheel. Put your foot down!
Hang on!
Come on, pump it, James, pump it.
Two miles an hour! That's the fastest he's ever been.
Anybody not doing anything?
'London, it is a fantastic city.
'But unfortunately, if you have a car like James's,
'you can't go there any more'.
Has it gone in your mouth? Yes, it has.
Just admit that mine's the superior car.
It's got more petrol in it. I would admit that.
It is the colour of an afterbirth. Afterbirth car.
There is only one way we can settle this.
What I have here is a list of famous people who, in the past, have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
"Ooh, you are awful, but I like you." And James May.
What do they all have in common?
What you're trying to say is, because I've got a Corniche,
I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits.
That's it, yes!
Fair enough. Spangly jumpsuit man. Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners.
Is Max Mosley on that list? No.
It's worse. It's worse.
An impressive list. It is an impressive list, but if your theory is correct,
you're either going to murder millions of people
or die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
LAUGHTER
So really, it comes down to a simple choice.
Camp...
Or camp commandant. Exactly!
Now, it is time to put some stars in our reasonably-priced car.
My guests tonight are both judges on the immensely popular show Dragons' Den.
My only problem is that one of them has a name that's very hard to pronounce.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Theodoros Paphitis and Peter...
Damn it! J-Jones...
The taller one! Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you? Have a seat.
Now, what I want to talk about first of all is this.
Since we started having two guests a week,
we thought it'd be a competition on the sofa every week.
But every week, everyone's very polite, "No, I'm sure you'll be faster than me."
"No, I'm sure you will be". I'm getting the impression you two won't be like that.
Absolutely not. And we've got some questions to ask you. What?
What are they? Why is it that you can't drive fast after all the experience you've had on that track?
LAUGHTER
Weak, feeble, blind, hopeless and terrified.
Shall we find out your times later on?
No. Now, please.
No, later on. I've just added ten seconds to yours.
Oh! Yes!
You see, they've already started with the competition.
Listen, in business, is winning kind of everything?
No, it's not everything.
What else is there? It is everything, isn't it?
It is everything. He's lying.
And you judge it really on how much cash you make.
It's just a scorecard.
The cash is a scorecard, a by-product, and it says you've had a good or bad year.
Yours is what? You do stapling machines.
I'm a shopkeeper. Knickers, bras...
I thought you'd got rid of the knickers. I kept a bit, just to keep my hand in.
LAUGHTER
So, do you look at the Sunday Times Rich List and look at him and think, "He's ahead of me".
Nah, cos it's rubbish. Oh, you do. You do.
Don't. You do. I don't!
You do. Seriously, every Sunday, Jeremy, when it comes out, I get that little text.
And it normally says, "BLEEP".
You even compete on height.
No, we don't. Theo's given up on that one, I think.
He is tall. You mock him for his smallness.
The only thing I mock him about when we had these beautiful cars, Maybachs,
he bought a slightly longer one than mine. And he also blacked out his windows.
That's the bit I really don't get with Theo. Why would you buy a car the size of a Maybach
when you're four foot nothing?
Nobody is ever gonna see you looking in anyway!
You've taken the idea of tallness, which is good,
and ruined it by going over the top.
You have. WOMAN: Look at his feet!
Look at his socks!
What possessed you to put those...? Size 14. No!
You could go skiing without renting any skis!
LAUGHTER There's no point being that tall.
It's ridiculous.
I just want to get on to this business, because you brought it up, of the Maybachs. There it is, look.
Unwise, gentlemen, very, very unwise.
Best car ever. No, it isn't, not even close.
I had a Phantom on trial.
My boat is more stable than that Phantom.
I used to have a Morris Marina.
That was more stable than the Phantom. That explains why you've bought a Maybach. Exactly.
LAUGHTER
Honestly, I once drove in one of those, sitting in the back,
past some Eastern European builders at a bus stop.
It redefined for me what hate is.
LAUGHTER
It's just a 600 Geneva taxi with a bit of chintz in the back. Have you seen the colour of his?
I have. I was walking down Bond Street the other day.
It's beige, mate. No, that's Jewish Racing Gold.
LAUGHTER
There's one thing I am really interested in.
You've all got kids.
If you make a lot of money, you've got quite a good idea for your kids, haven't you?
Yeah, well, I thought, what do you do?
You're making a lot of money and you want your kids to be as grounded as possible.
You know that's not really going to happen, they are going to have the fruits of your labour at some point.
So I decided, actually, I'll set up a trust fund.
When they go to work and start to earn money, for every amount of money they earn in one year,
the trust fund pays them double.
So... So rather than getting £10 million or £1 million or £100,000,
one lump sum that they can just blow to the wind, the trust fund doubles.
The other bit in the trust fund is to encourage them to do things that are good,
become a nurse, which isn't well-paid, all those sort of things. Then it triples or quadruples.
That's a good idea if you're very wealthy and don't know what to do when you die.
That is very clever. Now, I want to talk about cars, if I may.
You are both big petrol heads, despite the Maybachs.
You both started out with Alphasuds. Which we only found out today. Really?
They just told us. I had three!
You had three? And then I got wise! I loved my Alphasud. My Alphasud was bright orange.
Every single day, I had to get in and out of it like a lady dismounts a horse.
I had to go like that. The reason for that is that they used to have papier-mache sills.
If I put my foot down, I'd go through them. LAUGHTER
Anyway, the Alphasuds went.
Then you did the Golf... GTi with wonky rabbits at the back. Yes!
He is a man of great taste!
Have you got a personal registration plate?
Not one, no.
How many personal registration plates have you got?
Quite a few.
Have you got one? I wouldn't buy one.
That is so wrong, because I bought him one.
What was it? W411KER.
LAUGHTER
The Golf GTi, good, and then you moved into the sensible world of the Mercedes.
No! No, I got my first and last Porsche.
944. 944? You did the Porsche. I did the 911 SC Targa.
Colour? Gold.
LAUGHTER
And what happened to that? I had a bit of a problem.
One of the guys I employed... our company cars at the time were Ford Orions.
And we decided to have a bit of a race.
I didn't think it was any competition with my nice 911.
You raced your 911... Against a Ford Orion. Mmm.
You lost the race.
And you think he went faster than you round our track? Definitely, the way I was driving.
Anyway, look. It is time, gentlemen, to see how you did out on the track. Get off.
Peter Jones, let's see your lap.
Right, happy with the start?
How on earth is a 6 foot 7, 17 stone lump like me
going to beat a 5ft whippet like Paphitis?
Excuses, excuses. That's good, actually.
Ooh, that's very good.
That's very neat through the first corner.
Like driving a hairdryer on wheels. Don't you be rude. That's too wide...
Just. If all else fails in my business, I've got to beat the Stig.
LAUGHTER
They don't make overalls that ridiculously big.
That was a bit wonky coming in there, but nicely held on the way out.
What a place to put a cameraman!
We've got millions of cameramen.
Did you lift off through there?
No, flat. Flat out through there.
That was quick.
This is the first globally warm day we've had.
That's fantastic! Second to last corner's brilliant.
Gamble... It's a wild one, and across the line. Yeah!
APPLAUSE
Are we ready to see Theo's? No! Let's have a look at Theo's.
TYRES SCREECH, LAUGHTER
That's called killing the wheels. There'll be no clutch in this car by the time we're finished.
We'll see. It's a tough old bird, this. Did you like it?
No. It's better than your Maybach.
Oh, brake! Brake!
You can't brake there! You'll be off in the field!
Oh, gearbox, gearbox!
What's the matter with the gearbox?
It wouldn't go in! Yes it would! It went in, or that wouldn't be moving!
Where are you going now? It's all over the place. Dirty old bomber!
You're the first two we've had who haven't swore.
Even the newsreaders last week were swearing. That's very good.
That's better than the tall one.
Wait for it!
And turn flat out.
You've got to turn sooner than that. You've missed. Too much! Keep your foot down!
Did you actually lift off?
That was quite brave, cos you got that entry all wrong.
What are you doing? I can't really see. That's looking pretty neat.
Coming up to Gambon... AUDIENCE: Oh!
Lordy, Lord!
APPLAUSE
The Stig did actually say he'd never met anyone with less concept of speed than you.
LAUGHTER He said it was the first time he's ever shouted at anybody.
He was scared. He actually wanted to get out.
Yes, I noticed there was a brownness to the back of those normally pristine overalls.
He also said you're quite heavy. Are you really 17 stone? 17, 10, yeah.
Fat bastard! I know.
Right. Theo... Yes? Where do you think you came?
Er, if I got under 1.50, I'll be happy.
Smile away!
1... I'm afraid I have called you Theo Pamphlet.
Cos... LAUGHTER
I've been called a lot worse. Yeah, right. Under 1.50 is what you want. You did it in one...
forty...
eight point five. Wow.
And that's really not bad at all. APPLAUSE
Simon Pegg. You're faster than Doctor Who.
Now, we go on to Peter Jones.
Where do you think you came?
To be honest, I don't really care as long as I beat Theo.
LAUGHTER Oh, get to the point!
All right, here we go.
One...
forty...
I can't remember... Oh! Oh!
..Six point nine. Oh!
Give him a round of applause, everybody.
APPLAUSE That is a great time!
The Stig, who has an internal barometer, tells me that Cowell came here on a cold day,
when engines run better, and he said if you were able to lose a couple of stone, get to Cowell's weight,
you would have been the fastest we've ever had. Wow! He was that impressed. Thought you were BEEP.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a huge pleasure. Theo and Peter, everybody.
APPLAUSE
It's time now to talk about Green Laning.
Basically, it's a countryside sport for people who have Land Rovers, Land Cruisers, tough stuff like that.
It's not really a sport, is it?
It's a collection of people with one eye, who go into the countryside,
dress up as murderers and then go in a field and see who can get the muddiest. No, it isn't.
It's a group who see who can do the most murdering.
No! It's about man and machine together, against nature. Yes, you do get muddy.
You get stuck in huge, stinking pools of the stuff. But you wade through it.
You throw a winch line round a tree. You pull the car round.
It's tough, its technical and, well, it's brilliant. It sounds ghastly. It is.
But the thing is, Green Laning is, I don't know, like golf - it's fairly harmless.
However, there are a group of very bitter-faced...ramblers, who want to have it banned.
They actually are calling for it to be illegal to drive a vehicle
into the countryside for the purpose of having fun. Yeah. Seriously!
This gave these two idiots a bit of an idea.
You see, hunting has already been banned, and they were wondering if there was a way of combining
Green Laning and hunting into a great and perfectly legal
day out in the countryside for the sort of halfwits who live there.
Yeah, because you can't hunt foxy-woxy any more,
we decided to see if you can hunt a small, Japanese off-road car. LAUGHTER
This is a countryside.
And this is the Ledbury hunt.
Normally when they meet these days, they have to turn up with a bird of prey which can kill the fox
once the hounds have rooted it out, or someone with a gun can shoot it once they've got it cornered.
But, today, they won't have to use any of that subterfuge, because what they'll actually be hunting is him.
Yeah, as you can see, I have everything you need for a day's off-roading...
..including a car, obviously.
Its a £13,500 Daihatsu Terios - and I know what you're thinking.
It doesn't look like a fox.
So, why will the hounds chase it?
Ah...but look at this one!
Of course, despite my best efforts, this doesn't look like a fox either.
But the hunt master says he can at least make it smell like one.
It's called red neck juice. It's fox pee and glands.
You put that on there. So, they look at it and go, "That looks like a car, and it sounds like a car.
"Because it smells of fox pee, I'll chase it."
They hopefully won't get a chance to look at it until they catch you. IF they catch me.
Harry... Meanwhile, Hammond met his car.
You said you could ride. I trot around the country lanes on a little pony!
This isn't quite the same sort of thing. It's only a pony horse.
It's not. It's a hunter called Harry.
The fact of the matter is, you passed your driving test.
That qualified you to drive every car. Yes?
You don't get in a Bentley and go, "Oh, I'll never be able to control it."
So, get on it. It's different.
He's a a hunter... Can you ride a horse? Yes. Is that a horse?
Technically, yes. Get on it, then.
D you want me to give you a leg-up? Yes. Thank you. I've got to have one of these on.
Right. On three...
Oh, my God! Sorry.
Can you do it a bit less ferociously? Go!
Thank you.
I'm slightly out of balance. Get it into there.
Oh, that's brilliant. That's how they are in the National.
Why don't I adjust this horse and we'll have a hunt, and you'll get killed and eaten.
As the rest of the hunt knocked back a refreshing breakfast, I scoped out the route of the chase.
OK, I've got to get from here, where I am now, to here, on top of this hill.
It's about nine miles.
As far as I can see, the only real problem is crossing this stream, which I shall ford.
Honestly, Mr Darcy on his trusty steed - Evostick - doesn't stand a chance.
I've just noticed something about my horse.
He's had a Brazilian.
The hounds were ready.
The horses were ready and, under the rules of Top Gear small Japanese car hunting,
I was given a two-minute start.
Here we go!
0-60 in 12 seconds.
That's not fast, I admit,
but it's faster than Colin Firth's going to be able to manage
on his horse.
Trying to think like a wily fox, I made straight for the nearest wood.
Come on!
Proper Green Laning, off-roading enthusiasts might knock...
..but unlike their beloved Land Rovers and Humvees, the small and agile Terios doesn't lumber.
It boings like a spring lamb.
Oh!
Braer Clarkson's two minutes were up.
If anybody has an objection to what we're doing here,
do please feel free to keep that objection to yourself.
Keen to mask my scent, I made for a patch of hyacinths.
Ah...!
You see, if I'd had a Humvee there, I'd have just got wedged and I'd now be in a dog's tummy.
Come on!
The hyacinth plan was working well. The hounds were completely stumped.
We're hunting a 6ft 5 fox, he can't be hard to find.
Actually, I couldn't even find myself. I'd got lost.
The woods.... Which woods...?
Then I learned something interesting.
Fox pee is more pungent than flowers.
They're right on my track. They are now on my track.
Come on, little foxy Tereos thingy.
Oops...
HUNT HORN SOUNDS
We're through. I'm out.
All the hunters were now chasing me at full speed.
Well, when I say all...
Right, what we've done is lost the hunt.
I can see tracks. There's car tracks.
I'm using my tracking skills. I'm not even using the hounds. Ow, a tree!
The main pack was now out of the woods.
But, in open ground, the Terios pulled out a big lead.
I've got a bit of a tank slapper here.
Hello, people. Would you like me to murder you? I'm an off-road enthusiast.
I was now ahead by two full miles.
A gate!
I've got to get out and shut it.
That's not gone well.
So, Jeremy had caught up with his car, and I'd caught up with the hunt,
which, worryingly, wasn't stopping for the gate.
I've never jumped. I've never done that.
Perilously close to Wales now - perilously close.
Oh, Christ!
Go on!
Oh, God...! I'm still on!
I had 84 horse power. They had 12.
But theirs were like Terminators and so I decided to give up with the gates as well.
OK, can we jump the hedge? Let's jump it!
Or through, that will do.
I think there can be no doubt, watching this, that Top Gear has saved the countryside.
No rambler, no matter how bitter and twisted they may be, could possibly object to this,
because the Terios is so light, it's not even breaking the buttercups.
No, no, no!
Ah!
Come on, Terios fox!
Check it out!
Plainly, reckless speed wasn't working, so I went back to animal cunning.
Nobody can track me through water.
That's a bit deeper than I thought.
Oh, please don't do that.
Please, come on! I beg of you, I beg of you!
We've found him again. Why won't you work? Why haven't I got low range?
Animal cunning had let me down, so I tried ringing for help.
'Good afternoon. AA Emergency Breakdown Services. How can I help you?'
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