1 00:00:11,575 --> 00:00:16,175 Tonight, the brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. 2 00:00:16,175 --> 00:00:19,815 How much lorry-ing can you get for £5,000? 3 00:00:21,575 --> 00:00:25,096 And Michael Parkinson has a go in tu' reasonably priced car. 4 00:00:30,895 --> 00:00:33,055 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 5 00:00:33,055 --> 00:00:35,615 Hello! Hello and welcome! 6 00:00:35,615 --> 00:00:36,736 Hello! 7 00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:42,016 Thank you so much, thank you and welcome to a brand new series. 8 00:00:42,016 --> 00:00:47,375 Now, in this series we thought we'd aim it at a slightly more mature, older audience, 9 00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:52,175 so we did a thing on why beige is the right colour for your car. 10 00:00:52,175 --> 00:00:55,776 Erm, we did... I went on a coach tour of North Wales. 11 00:00:55,776 --> 00:01:02,855 And then, and then we found out the BBC is putting us up against Strictly Come Sequins. 12 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,935 The same time, on the other side! 13 00:01:04,935 --> 00:01:07,976 Now, everyone over the age of 85 is gonna be watching that, 14 00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:13,975 so we had to throw all our hard work away, and literally, yesterday morning, begin again. 15 00:01:13,975 --> 00:01:17,415 Here comes a taster now of what we've been able to cobble together. 16 00:01:19,216 --> 00:01:21,696 Blinkers on, and off we go! 17 00:01:22,655 --> 00:01:24,336 Aagh! Ha-ha! 18 00:01:25,936 --> 00:01:26,976 Wow! This is great! 19 00:01:28,615 --> 00:01:30,695 Right, San Tropez. 20 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,456 Please can I go home? 21 00:01:35,456 --> 00:01:36,656 No! 22 00:01:37,696 --> 00:01:38,736 Go, go, go! 23 00:01:44,256 --> 00:01:47,655 Come o-o-o-on! 24 00:01:47,655 --> 00:01:49,135 Check it out! 25 00:01:51,535 --> 00:01:53,655 Forward into the pages of history! 26 00:01:58,415 --> 00:01:59,736 This is important work. 27 00:02:00,896 --> 00:02:02,855 Stig's Communist cousin. 28 00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:09,136 Goodbye, Mr May! 29 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,856 It's Hakkinen! 30 00:02:13,616 --> 00:02:15,496 Now, I'm just utterly lost. 31 00:02:19,936 --> 00:02:21,336 Back to the studio. 32 00:02:21,336 --> 00:02:22,855 Hey, that's my line! 33 00:02:22,855 --> 00:02:24,016 ALL LAUGH 34 00:02:24,016 --> 00:02:25,456 APPLAUSE 35 00:02:25,456 --> 00:02:26,536 Not bad, hey? 36 00:02:26,536 --> 00:02:28,376 All that in 24 hours. 37 00:02:30,615 --> 00:02:34,495 So anyway, that's what's coming up in the series. 38 00:02:34,495 --> 00:02:38,976 Now, let's get on with tonight, has bought Volkswagen, 39 00:02:38,976 --> 00:02:42,536 and as a result every hedge in the world has gone bust. 40 00:02:42,536 --> 00:02:45,856 I've no idea what any of that means, but I do understand this, 41 00:02:45,856 --> 00:02:53,335 it is the GTII, it's a lightweight, stripped out, hardcore two-wheel drive version of the Turbo. 42 00:02:53,335 --> 00:02:55,976 And I've been out on the track to see what it's like. 43 00:02:57,095 --> 00:03:03,696 Aaaaaaagh! 44 00:03:05,496 --> 00:03:07,576 Aaaaaaagh! 45 00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:10,735 Aaaaaaagh! 46 00:03:14,735 --> 00:03:18,216 And that concludes my road test of the GTII. 47 00:03:18,216 --> 00:03:19,215 It's terrifying. 48 00:03:21,775 --> 00:03:25,736 Which is why, if I wanted a really fast two-seater, 49 00:03:25,736 --> 00:03:28,495 I'd get one of these. 50 00:03:39,376 --> 00:03:43,335 Some people have said in the last year or so that the Lamborghini Gallardo 51 00:03:43,335 --> 00:03:47,016 is just an Audi R8 with a fancy name and a bigger price tag. 52 00:03:48,776 --> 00:03:54,496 Not any more it isn't. 53 00:03:54,496 --> 00:04:00,016 This new model, daintily called the LP560-4, 54 00:04:00,016 --> 00:04:02,976 looks pretty much the same as the old model. 55 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:07,255 But it's 20 kilograms lighter, and more powerful. 56 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:17,895 It now has a 5.2-litre V10, 57 00:04:17,895 --> 00:04:22,296 which produces 552 horsepowers. 58 00:04:25,855 --> 00:04:32,176 That means this streak of white lightning is faster even than the old Gallardo Super Legera. 59 00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:35,016 It's faster, too, than a Ferrari Scuderia. 60 00:04:45,775 --> 00:04:50,935 That thing has launched control, you put it in first, built the boost up to 13lb per square inch, 61 00:04:50,935 --> 00:04:56,215 dump the clutch, and you're off. This has something called thrust control. 62 00:04:56,215 --> 00:05:02,136 I think that sounds like the hero in an airport thriller - Thrust Control. 63 00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:05,536 What you do, put it in Corsa, which means...something. 64 00:05:05,536 --> 00:05:09,136 Turn off the traction control, like so. 65 00:05:09,136 --> 00:05:11,455 Left foot on the brake, build the revs up... 66 00:05:22,416 --> 00:05:23,375 Oh, my God! 67 00:05:26,256 --> 00:05:27,656 Wow! 68 00:05:30,456 --> 00:05:32,295 That's so fast. 69 00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:55,136 So, the Lamborghini is faster, and it's nicer to drive as well. 70 00:05:56,135 --> 00:05:59,616 In a corner, the GTII was all over the place, 71 00:05:59,616 --> 00:06:01,696 the wheel was bucking and riding, 72 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:05,536 the back end was playing hopscotch, the front end was pitter-pattering. 73 00:06:09,455 --> 00:06:11,215 Look at it! 74 00:06:13,135 --> 00:06:16,856 I can see it here, look, following me around on this rear-view camera, 75 00:06:16,856 --> 00:06:23,176 it's like being chased around by a turbocharged, newly-born albino smoking horse! 76 00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:35,736 Don't get me wrong, this is still very Lamborghin-ish. 77 00:06:35,736 --> 00:06:36,936 Loud, big grunt... 78 00:06:40,096 --> 00:06:44,855 But behind the shouty, get out of my way exterior 79 00:06:44,855 --> 00:06:49,336 beats the heart of a big four-wheel-drive softie. 80 00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:56,535 I'm not kidding, anyone could get into this and drive it very fast straight away, no problem at all. 81 00:07:10,776 --> 00:07:14,055 MUSIC: THE ARCHERS THEME 82 00:07:37,575 --> 00:07:38,696 Drawbacks? 83 00:07:38,696 --> 00:07:40,936 You have to have the flappy paddle gear box, 84 00:07:40,936 --> 00:07:43,695 which is annoying some of the time. 85 00:07:43,695 --> 00:07:45,816 Like for instance when you're parking. 86 00:07:45,816 --> 00:07:50,095 But the option is the six-speed manual, which comes with the clutch pedal, 87 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,775 and that means there's nowhere to put your left foot. 88 00:07:52,775 --> 00:07:54,455 And that's annoying all the time. 89 00:07:59,336 --> 00:08:01,056 So far as styling's concerned, 90 00:08:01,056 --> 00:08:06,696 the GTII is just a squashed Volkswagen Beetle with a wing on the back. 91 00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:18,016 The Lamborghini on the other hand will probably go down in automotive history 92 00:08:18,016 --> 00:08:21,496 as one of the all-time great-looking cars. 93 00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:29,455 Especially with its pointy new Reventon-style nose. 94 00:08:31,496 --> 00:08:37,056 They say this new shape is much less damaging to any pedestrians you might hit. 95 00:08:37,056 --> 00:08:39,256 But, if I were a pedestrian, 96 00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:41,856 and I saw one of these things coming, I'd just go... 97 00:08:47,296 --> 00:08:52,896 As I see it, there's just one drawback to this low-riding Lambo. 98 00:08:52,896 --> 00:08:57,935 At £147,000, it's even more expensive than a loaf of bread. 99 00:08:59,656 --> 00:09:03,335 So, it's your choice, really. You can have a dog. 100 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:06,375 Aaarrghhh! 101 00:09:09,296 --> 00:09:13,016 Or a car that can be driven by one. 102 00:09:20,056 --> 00:09:27,055 How can you not like the GTII, you great, fat, balding, useless, 103 00:09:27,055 --> 00:09:32,896 hopeless, bandy-legged bubble head, pointless, talentless, gutless, 104 00:09:32,896 --> 00:09:36,496 cowardly, witless lump of suede shoe-wearing 105 00:09:36,496 --> 00:09:38,656 daft-jean wearing idiocy? 106 00:09:38,656 --> 00:09:41,615 I knew you were gonna say that. All of that? 107 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:44,896 So I've decided that we're gonna settle this on the track, OK? 108 00:09:44,896 --> 00:09:48,136 That means handing these cars over to our tame racing driver. 109 00:09:48,136 --> 00:09:52,256 Some say that he sleeps inside out. 110 00:09:54,536 --> 00:09:58,816 And that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. 111 00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,335 All we know is, 112 00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:06,895 he's called The Stig! 113 00:10:06,895 --> 00:10:10,735 And he's off! Just a hint of wheelspin, but then it digs in, 114 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,096 this thing really is ferocious off the line. 115 00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:16,416 The green Lambo here, Stig trying to mount the white one! 116 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,936 Very composed through the first corner, 117 00:10:19,936 --> 00:10:21,856 like to see the Porsche try that! 118 00:10:21,856 --> 00:10:23,855 BEEPING 119 00:10:26,656 --> 00:10:29,856 Yes, Stig appears to have started listening to Morse code, 120 00:10:29,856 --> 00:10:32,616 very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise! 121 00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:35,256 Belts it through Chicago. Now, Hammerhead... 122 00:10:35,256 --> 00:10:38,735 Four-wheel drive, of course, that should keep it tidy. 123 00:10:38,735 --> 00:10:41,056 Yes, it does! Not a hint of understeer, 124 00:10:41,056 --> 00:10:44,096 just a wall of that V10 noise. 125 00:10:44,096 --> 00:10:46,215 BEEPING And Morse code. 126 00:10:50,575 --> 00:10:52,096 Now, Follow-through. 127 00:10:52,096 --> 00:10:57,376 Look at that, he's having to use a flick of opposite lock, Stig's really going for it! 128 00:10:57,376 --> 00:11:01,975 Steps out again after the tyres, steady on, you Morse-crazed mentalist! 129 00:11:01,975 --> 00:11:06,295 Two corners left, still working hard, only Gambon to go now. 130 00:11:06,295 --> 00:11:09,415 Look at this! Here he comes, he just glides it through, 131 00:11:09,415 --> 00:11:11,056 and across the line! 132 00:11:12,175 --> 00:11:17,416 The Lamborghini did it in 1.19.5, 133 00:11:17,416 --> 00:11:20,015 that's quicker than the Scuderia, I said. 134 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:21,216 Now let's do the news. 135 00:11:21,216 --> 00:11:23,816 No, no, no! Very good, but what about the Porsche? 136 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:27,656 No, what did the Porsche do it in? I don't think anybody's interested. 137 00:11:27,656 --> 00:11:30,895 It was faster, wasn't it? 138 00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:33,255 What time did the GTII manage? 139 00:11:33,255 --> 00:11:35,336 Tell me the time for the Porsche. 140 00:11:35,336 --> 00:11:36,496 It's caught fire. 141 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:41,496 I don't know how that happened, it's literally spontaneously combusted! 142 00:11:42,816 --> 00:11:44,695 Where does it go on the board? 143 00:11:44,695 --> 00:11:46,576 Can't see any more. 144 00:11:46,576 --> 00:11:49,176 It was an hour. An hour? 145 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:53,176 Yeah, I'm sorry, mate, that's it. 146 00:11:53,176 --> 00:11:54,976 That is pathetic! 147 00:11:54,976 --> 00:11:58,856 It has come to this, let's do the news, as I said. 148 00:11:58,856 --> 00:12:02,255 Right, the news. And of course we have been off the air for a while. 149 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,335 God, he's such a child. Yes, where is he, anyway? 150 00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:09,856 I don't know, in the audience flicking people's ears and blaming people... Excuse me. Hi. 151 00:12:37,016 --> 00:12:39,496 What a man. What a man! 152 00:12:42,256 --> 00:12:43,416 Or... 153 00:12:43,416 --> 00:12:46,296 Ah! 154 00:12:46,296 --> 00:12:48,096 Twice on the trot! 155 00:12:48,096 --> 00:12:51,455 Still, never mind, Lewis, next year, third time lucky. 156 00:12:51,455 --> 00:12:54,976 But why do we record this on a Wednesday? I've no idea. 157 00:12:54,976 --> 00:12:57,055 If we did it on a Sunday, we'd know by now. 158 00:12:57,055 --> 00:13:00,016 world. I'll tell you what, 159 00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:05,176 if we recorded on a Sunday, we'd know who won Strictly Come Dancing, and then we could tell everybody. 160 00:13:05,176 --> 00:13:10,816 Now, OK, there has been a financial crisis. 161 00:13:10,816 --> 00:13:14,136 Is it the first time you've heard of it? 162 00:13:14,136 --> 00:13:18,335 What happened in essence as far as I could work out is because we were off the air, 163 00:13:18,335 --> 00:13:22,856 everyone got bored, so banks started lending money they hadn't got to other banks 164 00:13:22,856 --> 00:13:28,095 that gave the non-existent money to Mexicans in southern California who couldn't pay it back. 165 00:13:28,095 --> 00:13:30,695 Now as a result your cars are all worthless. Yeah. 166 00:13:30,695 --> 00:13:36,056 I think what I've done there is summarised the financial crisis quite well. You done it nicely. 167 00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:40,375 I was having dinner with a man. We were talking about the financial problems, 168 00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:45,015 and he said he bought a Volkswagen Phaeton, the five-litre V10. 169 00:13:45,015 --> 00:13:49,736 He paid £60,000 for it, 18 months ago, just been offered 17. 170 00:13:49,736 --> 00:13:57,175 Ow! That's £85 a day depreciation on a Volkswagen. You're gonna feel that. 171 00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:03,776 I can beat that. Really? 172 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:09,975 Yes, the Aston Martin V8 Vantage, a nice one, £88,000, list price... 173 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,576 We know somebody who's got one of these, actually. 174 00:14:12,576 --> 00:14:15,815 Yeah, we do, it's, erm, hang on, er... 175 00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:19,256 Oh, no! It's the Clarksons! That's it, I knew somebody... 176 00:14:19,256 --> 00:14:22,215 I'm not going to enjoy this, am I? No, do carry on, please. 177 00:14:22,215 --> 00:14:25,335 A car just like yours... The one you've got. 178 00:14:25,335 --> 00:14:30,735 It was £88,000 new, with a few extras on it, guess how much that was worth a year later? 179 00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:33,856 What? £44,000. Half its value gone. 180 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,016 Halved its va...? Anyone here got a V8 Vantage? 181 00:14:39,016 --> 00:14:43,136 Well, you're all better off as a result. 182 00:14:43,136 --> 00:14:45,416 Has anybody here got a Vanquish? 183 00:14:45,416 --> 00:14:48,976 Here? Yeah. No, cos they're here, James. That's very true. 184 00:14:48,976 --> 00:14:52,855 That's even worse, that's £175,000 - 185 00:14:52,855 --> 00:14:56,055 guess how much that car was worth after 10,000 miles? 186 00:14:56,055 --> 00:14:57,816 Guess how much he got. No idea. 187 00:14:58,135 --> 00:14:59,536 £50,000. 188 00:14:59,536 --> 00:15:02,575 That's 125 grand in 10,000 miles! 189 00:15:02,575 --> 00:15:08,535 So that means if his nearest shop is two miles away, if he pops out for a pint of milk, 190 00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:10,696 that's 50 quid. Yes. 191 00:15:10,696 --> 00:15:13,535 £50 for a pint...? 192 00:15:13,535 --> 00:15:20,615 That's £50 in depreciation, that doesn't include, you know, tyre wear, petrol, insurance, milk... 193 00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:24,976 You see, I get my milk from the back of a cow, it's much cheaper. 194 00:15:24,976 --> 00:15:27,296 From the back of a c...? That's not milk. 195 00:15:27,296 --> 00:15:28,736 LAUGHTER 196 00:15:28,736 --> 00:15:30,135 Under a cow. 197 00:15:30,135 --> 00:15:32,816 It's not just Astons. 198 00:15:32,816 --> 00:15:36,175 Mercedes Benz CL 600, the big coupe... 199 00:15:36,175 --> 00:15:39,416 Yes. 2004, how much do you think it was worth then? 200 00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:44,976 Well it depends on a million things, like, is it baby diarrhoea brown? 201 00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:46,216 No, it's black. 202 00:15:46,216 --> 00:15:49,696 Has it done a million miles? No, it's done 30,000 miles. 203 00:15:49,696 --> 00:15:54,736 Four-year-old, they're 100 grand, those things. About four years ago, about 100 grand? Yep. 204 00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:58,575 So £100,000, four years old, 30,000 miles, 205 00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:03,335 in black, with extras, 50? 55. 206 00:16:03,335 --> 00:16:05,776 16. 60? 16. 207 00:16:05,776 --> 00:16:10,055 16,000? He got £16,000 for it. For a hundred grand car? 208 00:16:10,055 --> 00:16:11,896 I'd have given him a 16 and a half. 209 00:16:11,896 --> 00:16:13,376 I'd have gone 17. 210 00:16:13,376 --> 00:16:15,735 Are you watching? 211 00:16:15,735 --> 00:16:18,775 How do you feel now? Yeah, you sold it cheap! 212 00:16:18,775 --> 00:16:21,336 I'll tell you exactly what's happened here, 213 00:16:21,336 --> 00:16:26,696 Since 1993, the whole world of flash cars has been playing musical chairs, 214 00:16:26,696 --> 00:16:31,496 and the music has just stopped, so whatever colour you've got now, or house, that's it for life. 215 00:16:33,016 --> 00:16:37,376 James, bad news, the Dacia Sandero. 216 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,616 The what? The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK. 217 00:16:41,616 --> 00:16:42,776 Oh! 218 00:16:42,776 --> 00:16:44,136 AUDIENCE: Oh! 219 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:46,255 Now, er, British car... 220 00:16:47,415 --> 00:16:51,496 British sports car makers, heroic chaps in sheds, they've always been able to 221 00:16:51,496 --> 00:16:54,816 pretty much melt your heart with their creativity, 222 00:16:54,816 --> 00:17:00,776 with the fantastic swooping curves of an E-Type Jaguar or an Aston Martin DB7. 223 00:17:00,776 --> 00:17:03,176 And now, there's a new British sports car. 224 00:17:03,176 --> 00:17:04,696 And here it is. 225 00:17:04,696 --> 00:17:05,776 Good grief! 226 00:17:05,776 --> 00:17:09,896 Is that a car or the shed he built it in with some wheels? 227 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:17,815 It's the Jet Stream SC250, it costs you £30,000, and it's made in Cornwall. 228 00:17:17,815 --> 00:17:19,375 Is it made out of tin? 229 00:17:19,375 --> 00:17:20,496 No. 230 00:17:20,496 --> 00:17:22,695 Clotted cream? Strawberry wheels... 231 00:17:22,695 --> 00:17:27,096 Does it spend every night on Harlyn Bay trying to snog public school girls? 232 00:17:27,096 --> 00:17:28,695 While smoking marijuana? 233 00:17:29,336 --> 00:17:34,776 None of these jokes are working with this audience, but they are in my house. 234 00:17:34,776 --> 00:17:35,695 I know what you mean! Yes. 235 00:17:35,695 --> 00:17:45,416 Actually, I have to say, I do feel for the poor bloke who's launched this, 236 00:17:45,416 --> 00:17:49,936 Are you saying all British sports car manufacturers who optimistically set up in a shed 237 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:53,335 and think they can do better than Porsche go bust? What, like TVR? 238 00:17:53,335 --> 00:17:54,895 Yes. Marcos? Yes. 239 00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:57,416 Yes. Yes. Yes. 240 00:17:59,736 --> 00:18:02,976 Ginetta. No! Are Ginetta still going? They are. 241 00:18:02,976 --> 00:18:05,335 Well, there's hope for him yet! 242 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:10,175 Erm, a really good report in the papers this week, 243 00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:14,816 and in Shropshire, somebody went to one of those speed cameras, 244 00:18:14,816 --> 00:18:18,016 put a tyre over it, a blanket over the top of the whole ensemble 245 00:18:18,016 --> 00:18:20,616 then poured petrol on it and set it alight. 246 00:18:20,616 --> 00:18:24,455 The fire brigade spokesman said it was "a deliberate attack". 247 00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:31,536 Now listen, a lot of, in the current financial crisis, a lot of people won't be going on holiday next year 248 00:18:31,536 --> 00:18:35,095 to the Caribbean, or indeed anywhere even remotely exotic. 249 00:18:35,095 --> 00:18:38,496 But don't worry because I think I've come up with a solution for you. 250 00:18:38,496 --> 00:18:40,695 Check it out. Good grief! 251 00:18:41,815 --> 00:18:47,695 It's a company in the Isle of Wight that's modified a Citroen by fitting it with a hat. Yeah. 252 00:18:47,695 --> 00:18:50,535 Do you know, it cost £19,000? 253 00:18:50,535 --> 00:18:55,896 What's that, is that a window, or do you sort of unzip it, climb in, and put your head through it? 254 00:18:55,896 --> 00:18:58,496 Look, I've come as a Citroen! 255 00:18:58,496 --> 00:19:00,736 It's like one of those things at Pontin's - 256 00:19:00,736 --> 00:19:04,375 go on, kids, stick your face through the Citroen. At £19,000. 257 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:06,895 For a Citroen costume! 258 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:10,216 And it only has one bed. Well, he's not gonna have a friend, is he? 259 00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:11,416 No. 260 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:13,295 You won't need two! 261 00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:18,656 Lorry drivers - they're always telling us they have got a very hard job. 262 00:19:18,656 --> 00:19:24,136 As far as we can work out, they go to work, sit down and then go home again. 263 00:19:24,136 --> 00:19:25,855 Yeah. How hard can that be? 264 00:19:25,855 --> 00:19:31,456 To find out, the producers gave us each £5,000 and told us to use 265 00:19:31,456 --> 00:19:38,416 our extensive knowledge of lorries and lorrying to try and buy the best trucks we could find. 266 00:19:38,416 --> 00:19:41,335 Then we were told to report to our test track where we would find out 267 00:19:41,335 --> 00:19:44,496 what it's actually like to be a lorryist. 268 00:19:53,935 --> 00:19:56,695 No, the purple one was biscuit and raisin. No. 269 00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,695 Yes, it had little bits of biscuit in it. The blue was the original. 270 00:19:59,695 --> 00:20:02,456 Blue has nothing extra. Yes, that was. Just chocolate. 271 00:20:02,456 --> 00:20:04,175 And then they did the pink one, which was only.. EH? 272 00:20:04,175 --> 00:20:06,376 They never did a pink one! They did. 273 00:20:06,376 --> 00:20:10,255 It was called It's For Girls and they only sold it on the Isle of Man. Not a lot of people know that. 274 00:20:11,856 --> 00:20:16,255 At exactly 9.14, the lorries turned up. 275 00:20:16,255 --> 00:20:21,975 Brilliant. Good. 276 00:20:26,575 --> 00:20:33,456 Using our massive knowledge of HGVs, we set about explaining why we bought what we'd bought. 277 00:20:33,456 --> 00:20:37,175 May, which one's yours? 278 00:20:37,175 --> 00:20:44,656 Scania D94. This is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. 279 00:20:44,656 --> 00:20:49,456 They also did it as a day cab, which didn't have that bit so you couldn't sleep in it. 280 00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:54,256 He doesn't know anything. 281 00:20:54,256 --> 00:20:56,056 What colour is it, James? 282 00:20:56,056 --> 00:20:58,135 What have you got then? A lorry. 283 00:20:58,135 --> 00:20:59,816 What sort? A big one. 284 00:20:59,816 --> 00:21:10,135 Clearly. It's a Renault. 285 00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:16,816 the engine, so it has a flat floor and that means... 286 00:21:16,816 --> 00:21:19,456 The floor's flat. .. it's easier to fit the carpet. 287 00:21:19,456 --> 00:21:22,175 Come on, Hammond. Show me what you've got. 288 00:21:22,175 --> 00:21:24,216 I have this. What is it? 289 00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:30,616 It's an Erf. This was hopeless. So we resorted to our lorry crib sheets. 290 00:21:30,616 --> 00:21:32,056 Has yours got... 291 00:21:34,856 --> 00:21:36,655 Is all this just my lorry? 292 00:21:36,655 --> 00:21:40,136 12 litre straight six. Go. 293 00:21:40,136 --> 00:21:44,776 11 litres. It's not as big but it's still pretty big. 294 00:21:44,776 --> 00:21:47,936 Nine litres. The thing is... 295 00:21:47,936 --> 00:21:49,856 Did you just buy a shed? 296 00:21:49,856 --> 00:21:52,816 Yours is tiny. It is ridiculously small. 297 00:21:52,816 --> 00:21:55,696 That's a Caterham of the lorry world. Right. And the point of that is? 298 00:21:55,696 --> 00:21:59,296 Well, there's bound to be a speed test. You think your lightweight 11 litre lorry... 299 00:21:59,296 --> 00:22:02,016 It's a Lotus lorry. Yeah. 300 00:22:05,496 --> 00:22:08,735 No, not that. In less developed countries, such as Australia 301 00:22:08,735 --> 00:22:12,296 and America, people like to decorate and personalise their lorries. 302 00:22:12,296 --> 00:22:16,856 You will now go away and do the same. 303 00:22:16,856 --> 00:22:19,096 I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint. 304 00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:28,216 Once our lorries had been redecorated, we were told to meet at 305 00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:32,615 Top Gear's secret Alpine test location in Bedfordshire. 306 00:22:38,056 --> 00:22:42,376 Richard had tried to make his lorry look more American by fitting a bonnet, 307 00:22:42,376 --> 00:22:44,976 which was actually a dog kennel. 308 00:22:44,976 --> 00:22:48,456 James had gone for a gay and friendly Indian look. 309 00:22:50,015 --> 00:22:56,496 And I hadn't. Damn it. 310 00:22:56,496 --> 00:23:00,816 So, time for the next challenge. 311 00:23:00,816 --> 00:23:03,576 What matters to lorry drivers? Murdering prostitutes... 312 00:23:03,576 --> 00:23:06,615 And fuel economy. Load. Breakfast. 313 00:23:06,615 --> 00:23:12,335 You must now demonstrate your lorry driving skills by 314 00:23:12,335 --> 00:23:16,296 power sliding your trucks around... 315 00:23:16,296 --> 00:23:18,976 I presume it is that skid pad. 316 00:23:18,976 --> 00:23:22,455 What is the point? You can't power slide lorries anyway. Technically, you can't power slide anything. 317 00:23:22,455 --> 00:23:29,496 To prove that it's possible you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver. 318 00:23:29,496 --> 00:23:35,856 Some say that his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward 319 00:23:35,856 --> 00:23:40,855 and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. 320 00:23:40,855 --> 00:23:46,536 All we know is, he's not The Stig but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin. 321 00:23:46,536 --> 00:23:53,736 # On the highway to hell On the highway to hell... 322 00:23:53,736 --> 00:23:55,456 # Look, he's got the lorry driver's suntan. 323 00:23:55,456 --> 00:23:56,935 Oh, sunburn. I see, yes. 324 00:23:59,735 --> 00:24:02,975 He's really as big as the American Stig. 325 00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:04,576 Rig Stig. 326 00:24:06,935 --> 00:24:10,416 Rig Stig climbed into his tuned man and set off. 327 00:24:12,736 --> 00:24:16,056 Look at that! That's fantastic. 328 00:24:17,855 --> 00:24:21,976 I love the smell of burning rubber in the morning when it is coming off that. 329 00:24:21,976 --> 00:24:24,175 That is power sliding now. 330 00:24:24,175 --> 00:24:25,775 He's doing a doughnut! 331 00:24:31,776 --> 00:24:33,256 Run for your lives! 332 00:24:39,855 --> 00:24:42,736 James, what do you reckon? You can do that? 333 00:24:42,736 --> 00:24:45,655 Piece of cake. 334 00:24:45,655 --> 00:24:48,575 Gingerly, we hit the skid pan. 335 00:24:48,575 --> 00:24:54,055 This strip I've put here, I can't really see where I'm going. 336 00:24:54,055 --> 00:25:00,576 Take the outside line second gear high range. 337 00:25:00,576 --> 00:25:04,296 Power sliding is easy in a car. Turn in, no power on. 338 00:25:07,696 --> 00:25:09,495 That's not gone as well as I'd hoped. 339 00:25:09,495 --> 00:25:11,895 Here we go. A slide. 340 00:25:11,895 --> 00:25:14,735 Come on, you're a racing truck. This is what you should be good at. 341 00:25:14,735 --> 00:25:17,135 Oh, my bonnet ... I've driven over my own bonnet. 342 00:25:21,976 --> 00:25:24,776 Left foot braking, there's the answer. 343 00:25:27,616 --> 00:25:30,775 That didn't work, so I gave it more welly. 344 00:25:30,775 --> 00:25:32,695 And that really didn't work. No, no! 345 00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:40,056 Yeah, I'll do some of that. 346 00:25:44,416 --> 00:25:46,776 It doesn't work. 347 00:25:46,776 --> 00:25:49,176 Meanwhile, in the Renault... 348 00:25:49,176 --> 00:25:51,735 Come on! Spin! 349 00:25:51,735 --> 00:25:53,576 Ow! 350 00:26:08,015 --> 00:26:11,816 Lorry driving, it turns out, is quite a lot harder than I thought. 351 00:26:11,816 --> 00:26:16,216 Have you done something to your leg as well? Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse. 352 00:26:16,216 --> 00:26:21,615 After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom, we moved on to the next challenge. 353 00:26:21,615 --> 00:26:25,015 I've lost the suspension linkages. 354 00:26:25,015 --> 00:26:26,616 On your leg? No, on the lorry. 355 00:26:26,616 --> 00:26:28,815 You will now drive to Milbrook's High Speed Bowl. 356 00:26:28,815 --> 00:26:31,375 You see! I told you there'd be a speed test. 357 00:26:31,375 --> 00:26:37,256 But, first, you must hitch up a trailer and get there via the Alpine handling course. 358 00:26:37,256 --> 00:26:40,215 That's hundreds of miles. No. 359 00:26:40,215 --> 00:26:42,415 It's here, you idiot. It's just over there. 360 00:26:45,376 --> 00:26:49,455 This is where car makers test the handling of their new models. 361 00:26:49,455 --> 00:26:54,295 It's also where James Bond rolled his Aston Martin in Casino Royale. 362 00:26:56,655 --> 00:26:58,376 In a car, it is huge fun. 363 00:26:58,376 --> 00:27:00,815 In a lorry ... 364 00:27:00,815 --> 00:27:02,616 it probably isn't. 365 00:27:02,616 --> 00:27:06,855 From the moment you arrive at the Alpine course, you have three minutes to get round. 366 00:27:06,855 --> 00:27:10,936 You will also need to drive smoothly because your trailer is full of valuables. 367 00:27:10,936 --> 00:27:14,095 Valuables? Valuables? 368 00:27:14,095 --> 00:27:15,775 They weren't kidding. 369 00:27:17,575 --> 00:27:23,256 Richard's trailer contained a car that hadn't been fastened down. 370 00:27:23,256 --> 00:27:26,855 Mine contained an enormous wedding-cake. 371 00:27:28,536 --> 00:27:32,416 And in Jeremy's , there was some straw, which didn't seem 372 00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:37,736 so bad but at the other end there was an electric fire. 373 00:27:41,256 --> 00:27:44,056 First though, we had to get the trailers attached to our lorries. 374 00:27:44,056 --> 00:27:47,056 Where's my truck? 375 00:27:47,056 --> 00:27:51,735 There's no back window. I don't see why this needs to be all that difficult. 376 00:27:51,735 --> 00:27:54,295 Which way is that now? So I need to get that ... 377 00:27:56,375 --> 00:28:02,775 Hammond, being familiar with farmyard machinery, was confident of a quick hitch up. Easy. 378 00:28:02,775 --> 00:28:04,936 Us two, however ... 379 00:28:04,936 --> 00:28:06,496 Well, where does that go? 380 00:28:10,575 --> 00:28:12,895 Didn't think this would be difficult and it's not. 381 00:28:16,656 --> 00:28:19,055 It's done. The space between the cab... 382 00:28:19,055 --> 00:28:20,976 Yours is done? 383 00:28:20,976 --> 00:28:24,695 Yeah. If a lorry driver can do that, why isn't he a brain surgeon? 384 00:28:24,695 --> 00:28:27,415 Scale. You know how he's finished... 385 00:28:27,415 --> 00:28:28,975 Hi. 386 00:28:28,975 --> 00:28:31,255 You're looking smug. 387 00:28:31,255 --> 00:28:36,856 Eventually, some men came to help James and I, which gave me a chance to mend my window. 388 00:28:36,856 --> 00:28:39,376 Why are you doing that? Because I can't see where I'm going. 389 00:28:39,376 --> 00:28:41,456 Didn't you think of that when you put it on? No. 390 00:28:43,936 --> 00:28:45,856 Finally, we were ready to go. 391 00:28:49,736 --> 00:28:51,656 Away we go. 392 00:29:00,335 --> 00:29:04,656 You know the, "I've done it, I've finished" - you know that bit? 393 00:29:04,656 --> 00:29:06,255 Maybe the pin's broken. 394 00:29:06,255 --> 00:29:08,136 No. 395 00:29:08,136 --> 00:29:11,336 It could just be a faulty bracket that holds the... No. 396 00:29:14,455 --> 00:29:16,136 OK, you're in there. 397 00:29:16,136 --> 00:29:19,096 Eventually, we were ready to go again. 398 00:29:19,096 --> 00:29:20,776 Sorry about that. 399 00:29:20,776 --> 00:29:22,415 Right, we're off. 400 00:29:30,616 --> 00:29:33,416 Forgive me for saying this, but how hard can it be? 401 00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:39,096 Can somebody bring the forklift back? 402 00:29:39,096 --> 00:29:41,015 So, third time lucky. 403 00:29:41,015 --> 00:29:42,776 This is brilliant. 404 00:29:45,136 --> 00:29:53,655 Oi! It was just over a mile from the hitching point to the Alpine course, 405 00:29:53,655 --> 00:29:58,415 but that was enough to give us a taste of what it's like to be a real lorry-driver. 406 00:29:58,415 --> 00:30:02,776 For starters, there's the sheer number of gears. 407 00:30:02,776 --> 00:30:05,856 First, into first and a half. Second. 408 00:30:05,856 --> 00:30:10,495 Two and a half. In a car, you can go from 1000 rpm to seven or 8000. 409 00:30:10,495 --> 00:30:13,736 In this, its 1200 to 1500. 410 00:30:13,736 --> 00:30:16,376 And then you have to change gear. 300 revs. 411 00:30:16,376 --> 00:30:18,576 Get in! 412 00:30:18,576 --> 00:30:20,615 Get in! 413 00:30:20,615 --> 00:30:26,976 And when you finally reach 18th gear, you get carved up and you have to start all over again. 414 00:30:26,976 --> 00:30:30,216 Now I've just been overtaken by someone who has now slowed down. 415 00:30:30,216 --> 00:30:32,095 Don't stop! 416 00:30:36,696 --> 00:30:39,495 That's the car. Why can't it just be...? 417 00:30:39,495 --> 00:30:43,695 Somebody get a move on up there. If I have to start from the beginning of my gears again, I'll kill myself. 418 00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:49,216 First, first and a half. 419 00:30:49,216 --> 00:30:52,896 Just let the lorry go, always let the lorry go. 420 00:30:52,896 --> 00:30:59,215 Because this is a hard job and I'm not just saying that to win favour with lorry drivers, it's a hard job. 421 00:30:59,215 --> 00:31:00,815 Change gear, change gear, change gear, check your mirrors, 422 00:31:00,815 --> 00:31:03,335 murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. 423 00:31:06,976 --> 00:31:09,736 Still, because I'd removed some of my stealth paint, 424 00:31:09,736 --> 00:31:13,015 I could at least see where it was going. Sort of. 425 00:31:14,616 --> 00:31:16,616 What's that noise? 426 00:31:23,495 --> 00:31:27,495 Jez is making a right hash of that. You clipped a car. 427 00:31:27,495 --> 00:31:29,175 Whose car? 428 00:31:29,175 --> 00:31:31,136 Don't know but they will notice. 429 00:31:31,136 --> 00:31:38,215 We then took a wrong turn and ended up on a road where they test vehicle suspension. 430 00:31:38,215 --> 00:31:42,695 That wasn't such a problem for me in my sprung cab. 431 00:31:42,695 --> 00:31:44,415 But as for Hammond... 432 00:31:44,415 --> 00:31:47,255 I'm worried I may be bounced out of the cab. 433 00:31:47,255 --> 00:31:51,536 Eventually, we arrived at the start of the Alpine course, 434 00:31:51,536 --> 00:31:55,775 which also meant our first encounter with a hill. 435 00:31:57,936 --> 00:32:00,055 Jeremy, you've only got two feet. 436 00:32:00,055 --> 00:32:03,856 Every time I come off the brake in order to get on to the throttle, 437 00:32:03,856 --> 00:32:06,416 which you have to do, it rolls backwards. 438 00:32:08,096 --> 00:32:09,976 About eight inches. 439 00:32:09,976 --> 00:32:14,216 Try using the handbrake like you would in, oh, I don't know, a car. 440 00:32:21,295 --> 00:32:23,776 The twists and turns of the Alpine course were waiting for us 441 00:32:35,376 --> 00:32:37,855 Get in gear! Come on. No, no. 442 00:32:41,855 --> 00:32:43,296 Yes! 443 00:32:44,215 --> 00:32:48,975 It's a drag race between me and Captain Slow. Come on, Magnum. 444 00:32:48,975 --> 00:32:53,536 Oh God. Plainly, in the heat of battle, James and Jeremy 445 00:32:53,536 --> 00:32:56,775 about their delicate cargoes. 446 00:32:56,775 --> 00:32:59,736 Clarkson's got the inside line. 447 00:32:59,736 --> 00:33:02,295 It's getting a bit narrow here. No. 448 00:33:06,895 --> 00:33:09,536 Oh Lord. Yes! I've got Slow. 449 00:33:09,536 --> 00:33:15,456 After my poor start, I too had little concern for my precious load. 450 00:33:15,456 --> 00:33:19,456 It sounds like a charging rhino running up and down the trailer behind me. 451 00:33:22,576 --> 00:33:25,815 Back at the front, Slow was refusing to give in. 452 00:33:25,815 --> 00:33:28,095 That's close. 453 00:33:30,256 --> 00:33:32,735 I'm going to take him here. I've got a plan. 454 00:33:34,295 --> 00:33:37,455 I can't turn in that. 455 00:33:37,455 --> 00:33:39,495 You weren't ready for that, Slow! 456 00:33:42,456 --> 00:33:44,335 Down a bit of a hill. Carry some... 457 00:33:44,335 --> 00:33:45,935 Woah, woah! 458 00:33:53,695 --> 00:33:55,936 That was... I didn't want to do what I just did. 459 00:33:55,936 --> 00:33:58,696 I'm in the lead! 460 00:33:58,696 --> 00:34:04,256 Unfortunately in all the excitement, I forgot to change down for the steep hill. 461 00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:08,936 No! 462 00:34:08,936 --> 00:34:11,336 No! It's dying on me. No! No! No! 463 00:34:17,135 --> 00:34:18,736 You! It does understeer, this lorry. 464 00:34:24,055 --> 00:34:26,176 Right, got to change ratios. 465 00:34:26,176 --> 00:34:28,216 Next box, there you go. 466 00:34:29,536 --> 00:34:31,535 Get a go in these things and suddenly you start to feel just how much power they have got to give. 467 00:34:42,215 --> 00:34:44,456 Yeah! Snap gear changes. 468 00:34:45,896 --> 00:34:51,136 Captain Clumsy had severed my air lines and all the brakes were jammed on. 469 00:34:51,136 --> 00:34:56,656 I absolutely hope James May wakes up in the morning and 10,000 insects are in his underpants. 470 00:34:58,615 --> 00:35:00,016 HE LAUGHS 471 00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:05,855 In exactly just over three minutes, I was the first to finish. 472 00:35:05,855 --> 00:35:08,735 HE LAUGHS Now let's have a look at my cake. 473 00:35:13,295 --> 00:35:14,295 Ah... 474 00:35:16,215 --> 00:35:18,295 That's what he hit. 475 00:35:18,295 --> 00:35:22,376 He is the clumsiest man in the known world. 476 00:35:22,376 --> 00:35:25,375 I'll just straighten it up a bit. 477 00:35:28,936 --> 00:35:33,456 Hammond, meanwhile, was just crossing the finishing line. 478 00:35:33,456 --> 00:35:38,775 I'll be honest, I think the headlamps, tail-lamps, because I heard a clunk at that end, 479 00:35:38,775 --> 00:35:41,616 and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks 480 00:35:41,616 --> 00:35:44,416 and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. 481 00:35:44,416 --> 00:35:47,695 Headlights are going to be smashed to bits. I daren't look. 482 00:35:47,695 --> 00:35:50,216 Yes, I know, it's bad, I'm sorry. 483 00:35:50,216 --> 00:35:51,495 It's worse than that. 484 00:35:52,695 --> 00:35:56,256 I was now on the move again and flying. 485 00:35:56,256 --> 00:35:57,976 Now come on, up the hill. 486 00:36:00,336 --> 00:36:02,016 Is that bad for my points? 487 00:36:02,016 --> 00:36:03,616 Yeah. 488 00:36:03,616 --> 00:36:05,376 More to the point, where is it? 489 00:36:06,215 --> 00:36:07,656 I don't know. 490 00:36:07,656 --> 00:36:09,416 Then Jeremy arrived. 491 00:36:11,215 --> 00:36:12,855 Fire! 492 00:36:12,855 --> 00:36:14,536 You're on fire! 493 00:36:14,536 --> 00:36:18,456 Have we got the next challenge, lads? How can we be this rubbish? 494 00:36:22,135 --> 00:36:25,416 This is totally... So, anyway, how was your car? 495 00:36:25,416 --> 00:36:27,856 Car's interesting. Stolen. 496 00:36:27,856 --> 00:36:31,256 That's what it is, I've just thought of it now, stolen. 497 00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:34,856 The damnedest thing. That is actually quite bad now. 498 00:36:34,856 --> 00:36:37,495 It is, that's on fire. 499 00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,016 Yeah. 500 00:36:39,016 --> 00:36:40,495 APPLAUSE 501 00:36:45,016 --> 00:36:50,176 OK, we're going to put that out and pick it up later on, 502 00:36:50,176 --> 00:36:54,016 but now...now we've got to move on. 503 00:36:54,016 --> 00:36:57,056 My guest tonight is from Yorkshire. 504 00:36:57,056 --> 00:36:58,656 CHEERING 505 00:36:58,656 --> 00:37:03,735 So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our Star In The Reasonably Priced - my arse, 506 00:37:03,735 --> 00:37:08,095 it cost a fortune, that thing! - Car, Sir Michael Parkinson. 507 00:37:12,135 --> 00:37:15,015 How are you? 508 00:37:15,015 --> 00:37:18,575 CHEERING A legend has come among us. 509 00:37:18,575 --> 00:37:20,215 Have a seat. 510 00:37:20,215 --> 00:37:24,375 Have a seat. APPLAUSE CONTINUES 511 00:37:26,616 --> 00:37:31,456 I'm a bit nervous about this one. I bet you are(!) When was the last time you were nervous? 512 00:37:31,456 --> 00:37:36,776 Well, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the interview world is setting being interviewed by young Luke. 513 00:37:36,776 --> 00:37:39,576 It's easier being interviewed, let me tell you. 514 00:37:39,576 --> 00:37:43,976 I don't know about that. You've obviously never interviewed yourself. 515 00:37:43,976 --> 00:37:48,175 It's the funniest thing, when I said you were from Yorkshire there - did you hear? - 516 00:37:48,175 --> 00:37:49,855 everyone was like, "Wah-hay!" 517 00:37:49,855 --> 00:37:54,415 Well, not everyone, but you don't get that with Nottinghamshire? Nor Leicestershire. 518 00:37:54,415 --> 00:37:57,775 Our guest tonight is from Leicestershire. SOMEONE BOOS 519 00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:02,216 Are you still proud of being a Yorkshireman? I love being a Yorkshireman. 520 00:38:02,216 --> 00:38:04,896 Why do you live in Maidenhead? 521 00:38:04,896 --> 00:38:09,295 The same reason you live down here - because the BBC isn't up in Yorkshire. 522 00:38:09,295 --> 00:38:12,495 If the BBC was in Doncaster, I might never have moved. 523 00:38:12,495 --> 00:38:15,295 I think I might. LAUGHTER 524 00:38:15,295 --> 00:38:19,016 It's that sort of whole Yorkshire thing. 525 00:38:19,016 --> 00:38:22,615 We could do it for hours, "Oh, my dad were poorer than your dad." 526 00:38:22,615 --> 00:38:25,176 It's a Monty Python sketch. It is, absolutely. 527 00:38:25,176 --> 00:38:29,935 "My dad, 14 years old, left school, bronchitis, consumption, 528 00:38:29,935 --> 00:38:33,376 "diphtheria, got a job as a butcher's boy, worked 27 hour a day, 529 00:38:33,376 --> 00:38:36,456 "and paid butcher for permission to come to work," etc. 530 00:38:36,456 --> 00:38:39,576 But your dad was the same, from what I hear? He was a miner. 531 00:38:39,576 --> 00:38:41,256 He loved being a Yorkshireman. 532 00:38:41,256 --> 00:38:45,576 He was very proud of being a Yorkshireman. And he said 533 00:38:45,576 --> 00:38:48,455 I'd been doing the talk show for about 10 years - 534 00:38:48,455 --> 00:38:50,816 he said "You've had a good time, eh, lad?" 535 00:38:50,816 --> 00:38:53,815 I said, "I've had a wonderful time." "Made a bob or two?" 536 00:38:53,815 --> 00:38:59,336 I said, "I have." "And you've met all them lovely birds and all that stuff." I said, "I have." 537 00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:04,855 He said, "Think on, though, good as that might be, it's not like playing for Yorkshire at cricket, is it?" 538 00:39:04,855 --> 00:39:08,495 And of course, in his view, that defined immortality, not fame. 539 00:39:08,495 --> 00:39:11,816 Anybody who's appeared on television is merely famous. 540 00:39:11,816 --> 00:39:16,175 Those days, if you've played for Yorkshire, wore the white rose, you're immortal. 541 00:39:16,175 --> 00:39:18,375 He walked, didn't he, to go and see them? 542 00:39:18,375 --> 00:39:22,095 No, his grandad...his father, my grandad, walked to Leeds. 543 00:39:22,095 --> 00:39:25,095 From Barnsley? From Barnsley. Which is 30 miles. 544 00:39:25,095 --> 00:39:29,576 It was, but he only left the village once in his entire lifetime to go to the seaside. 545 00:39:29,856 --> 00:39:31,656 Now, my granny, when she died, 546 00:39:31,656 --> 00:39:35,296 she'd never set foot outside the borough of Doncaster. 547 00:39:35,296 --> 00:39:41,016 By gum. I don't know. Never once. My father was 66 or seven 548 00:39:41,016 --> 00:39:43,615 before he went on an aeroplane. 549 00:39:43,615 --> 00:39:49,176 And when I got a bit of money, we decided we'd send him and my mother, 550 00:39:49,176 --> 00:39:51,296 she'd never been away before, on an aeroplane. 551 00:39:51,296 --> 00:39:55,175 So we arrived at British Airways and we were going to fly them off, first class, look after him. 552 00:39:55,175 --> 00:39:58,656 Right, when they came back two weeks later I said, "What's the matter?" 553 00:39:58,656 --> 00:40:00,736 She said, "Your father, it's silly. 554 00:40:00,736 --> 00:40:02,735 "He just lets me down." 555 00:40:02,735 --> 00:40:04,335 I said, "What's the story? Calm down." 556 00:40:04,335 --> 00:40:07,175 She said, "We got on the airplane, as soon as we left, this nice 557 00:40:07,175 --> 00:40:11,935 young man came along and said, 'Would you like a drink?' He said 'Yes, I'd like a pint of bitter.'" 558 00:40:11,935 --> 00:40:15,176 First class? First class. 559 00:40:15,176 --> 00:40:19,936 They said, "Sorry, we don't serve bitter, Mr Parkinson, on this airplane." "Don't serve bitter? 560 00:40:19,936 --> 00:40:22,176 "What kind of plane is this?" The man said, "But you don't understand. 561 00:40:22,176 --> 00:40:25,455 "Champagne?" "I can't afford champagne." 562 00:40:25,455 --> 00:40:28,816 The man said, "No, you don't understand, Mr Parkinson, it's free." "Free?" 563 00:40:28,816 --> 00:40:30,775 says my old man, "Bring it on." 564 00:40:30,775 --> 00:40:34,575 My mother said, "Do you know," she said, "he got so drunk 565 00:40:34,575 --> 00:40:38,376 "that after his meal he offered to wash up." 566 00:40:38,376 --> 00:40:40,416 Seriously? 567 00:40:40,416 --> 00:40:42,136 That's wonderful. 568 00:40:42,136 --> 00:40:48,576 Now I know and respect you, more actually than a chat show, as a journalist. 569 00:40:48,576 --> 00:40:52,455 That's where you began, on the local newspapers in Mexborough, wasn't it? 570 00:40:52,455 --> 00:40:56,695 Actually, I was a district man. I covered a nest of pit villages 571 00:40:56,695 --> 00:40:59,536 in Royston and Cuddeth and all round there. 572 00:40:59,536 --> 00:41:05,895 Do you think that sets you up, being a hack, for being the chat show legend that you became? 573 00:41:05,895 --> 00:41:08,616 Everything I've ever done has been informed by that 574 00:41:08,616 --> 00:41:11,055 training that I did, by the apprenticeship that I served. 575 00:41:11,055 --> 00:41:14,976 When I look back of my life, writing my autobiography as I have been doing, I've been 576 00:41:14,976 --> 00:41:18,375 amazed that there is a common thread through it, and that's journalism. 577 00:41:18,375 --> 00:41:23,855 It's my love of journalism, it's the fascination I had for the job and still have for the job. 578 00:41:23,855 --> 00:41:28,015 Now the chat show now, obviously this week, there's all sorts of 579 00:41:28,015 --> 00:41:30,056 issues around chat shows, but let's put it this way. 580 00:41:30,056 --> 00:41:36,256 There are fewer chat shows on the television now than there were last week. This is true. 581 00:41:36,256 --> 00:41:43,576 Do you think, leaving that aside, that it's kind of had its day now? 582 00:41:43,576 --> 00:41:45,735 No, I don't think it's had its day. 583 00:41:45,735 --> 00:41:49,056 I think that the people who run television decided 584 00:41:49,056 --> 00:41:53,496 that the conversational kind of chat show which we're having now, which my show is based on, that's gone. 585 00:41:53,496 --> 00:41:56,775 I reckon they think that's as dead as a dodo. 586 00:41:56,775 --> 00:42:02,415 And the only way it's going to survive in their mind is by doing the show that Jonathan does or... 587 00:42:02,415 --> 00:42:05,215 Did. LAUGHTER 588 00:42:05,215 --> 00:42:10,816 It's a show based on comedy, with a guy who's happy to play a major part 589 00:42:10,816 --> 00:42:13,536 in it, which is the antithesis, really, of doing an interview. 590 00:42:13,536 --> 00:42:16,696 If you do an interview, you the interviewer, subjugate yourself to allow that other person 591 00:42:16,696 --> 00:42:20,015 in front of you to actually blossom if possible. 592 00:42:20,015 --> 00:42:26,336 Don't you think that these days, let's say when you left to show, finished recording, if the guests 593 00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:31,735 hadn't been very interesting, it was kind of their fault and their problem. I never took that view. 594 00:42:31,735 --> 00:42:34,615 I always thought if it was a bad interview it was my fault. 595 00:42:34,615 --> 00:42:36,615 Really? Without a doubt. So Meg Ryan...? 596 00:42:36,615 --> 00:42:41,176 Meg Ryan was my fault. No, Meg Ryan wasn't an interview, it was a car crash, for God's sake! 597 00:42:41,176 --> 00:42:46,416 And of course when that happened with her, and God knows why she was in that kind of mood, I don't know, 598 00:42:46,416 --> 00:42:51,415 but the fact of the matter is, the drama of it, the discomfort of it, is what they love to see. 599 00:42:51,415 --> 00:42:53,695 They love to see the host getting it in the neck like that. 600 00:42:53,695 --> 00:42:55,695 It's kill the quarterback time. You? 601 00:42:55,695 --> 00:42:58,135 Yeah. But you don't think it was your fault? 602 00:42:58,135 --> 00:43:01,816 It wasn't my fault, no, but I was responsible for it 603 00:43:01,816 --> 00:43:04,696 and I could have handled it differently. 604 00:43:04,696 --> 00:43:07,296 Really? I think so. 605 00:43:07,296 --> 00:43:10,695 When I said to her, "You've been a journalist, what should I do now?" 606 00:43:10,695 --> 00:43:12,696 She said, "Wrap it up." I didn't. 607 00:43:12,696 --> 00:43:14,735 LAUGHTER 608 00:43:14,735 --> 00:43:17,016 Because these days, people in the public eye, you might 609 00:43:17,016 --> 00:43:22,615 call them celebrities, they get every aspect of their lives turned over every day by Heat magazine and 610 00:43:22,615 --> 00:43:27,215 the tabloid newspapers and so on and they don't have much to give and actually don't want to give. 611 00:43:27,215 --> 00:43:31,296 The only way you'll get people half the time to come 612 00:43:31,296 --> 00:43:33,976 Which is, sorry to ask this, 613 00:43:33,976 --> 00:43:38,055 but how did you deal with the you've got to... Get rid of it up top. 614 00:43:38,055 --> 00:43:41,175 Get rid of the plugging up top? Get it in the intro. 615 00:43:42,736 --> 00:43:47,095 I wondered when this might happen. I'm trying to think of a... this. 616 00:43:47,095 --> 00:43:50,216 What you do, you do an intro. 617 00:43:50,216 --> 00:43:54,576 You do an intro? It's a bit late now, I've done the intro. 618 00:43:54,576 --> 00:43:57,455 Then wait for me to say, "What is that you have there?" 619 00:43:57,455 --> 00:44:01,816 I'll tell you what it is, Michael, it's your CD. Thank you. 620 00:44:01,816 --> 00:44:05,576 What's it called, Jeremy? It's called My Life In Music. 621 00:44:05,576 --> 00:44:09,535 And what's it about? Well, I tell you what... LAUGHTER 622 00:44:09,535 --> 00:44:14,136 You see, this is literally the master I'm learning from here. 623 00:44:14,136 --> 00:44:17,296 It's the music that was on the show and on my radio show 624 00:44:17,296 --> 00:44:21,735 and it's some of the people, all the people we had on the show. 625 00:44:21,735 --> 00:44:25,536 And it's also people we discovered - Michael Buble and people like that. 626 00:44:25,536 --> 00:44:27,616 It reflects my love of music, the other thing 627 00:44:27,616 --> 00:44:31,496 you would know about Yorkshire is the tradition of music there. 628 00:44:31,496 --> 00:44:34,376 There isn't one brass band on here. There's a big band. 629 00:44:34,376 --> 00:44:36,535 Can we just move it on to cars, if you don't mind? 630 00:44:36,535 --> 00:44:39,376 Was that OK? Very smooth segue. 631 00:44:39,376 --> 00:44:41,575 I see you as a Jag man. 632 00:44:41,575 --> 00:44:44,136 I've had a Jag or two. 633 00:44:44,136 --> 00:44:46,735 I've got a Merc at present. Which one? S500. 634 00:44:46,735 --> 00:44:51,496 That's worth about a tenner. LAUGHTER 635 00:44:51,496 --> 00:44:55,735 Why did you switch to the Merc? I felt like it. They've got more room in the back, too. 636 00:44:55,735 --> 00:44:58,336 I've got a driver now. Oh, driver. 637 00:44:58,336 --> 00:45:01,296 What would your dad say? I don't like driving. 638 00:45:01,296 --> 00:45:04,015 Do you not? No, it's boring, For Christ's sake, it's awful. 639 00:45:04,015 --> 00:45:07,495 It's really, really boring. 640 00:45:07,495 --> 00:45:09,336 This is a man who likes cricket. 641 00:45:11,136 --> 00:45:13,176 I like being driven to cricket. 642 00:45:13,176 --> 00:45:18,575 Now, look, your lap, you're here obviously to drive a reasonably priced car. 643 00:45:18,575 --> 00:45:22,296 Now then, how did we do? Well, you're 73 years old now. 644 00:45:22,296 --> 00:45:25,856 Most people at your age are watching Strictly Come Dancing. 645 00:45:25,856 --> 00:45:26,896 LAUGHTER 646 00:45:29,175 --> 00:45:31,255 Shall we have a look at the lap? Play the tape. 647 00:45:36,696 --> 00:45:41,375 Start scared and end up wanting to be like the Stig, stay down here. 648 00:45:41,375 --> 00:45:45,775 You're mumbling, that a man at peace with himself, when he mumbles. 649 00:45:46,856 --> 00:45:50,736 A tidy line through there, got to be honest. Very tidy. 650 00:45:54,456 --> 00:45:58,816 Can't see anything wrong with that. Look at that. That's not bad at all. 651 00:45:58,816 --> 00:46:01,896 A big, curly bend. 652 00:46:01,896 --> 00:46:05,255 Curly bend? This is the world-famous Hammerhead. 653 00:46:05,255 --> 00:46:07,696 And you are doing it... 654 00:46:07,696 --> 00:46:11,455 Well, about as perfectly as I've ever... There you are. 655 00:46:11,455 --> 00:46:14,296 Here we go, flat through here. 656 00:46:14,296 --> 00:46:17,496 Oh, yeah. And across the skiddy bit. I love these two bits. 657 00:46:17,496 --> 00:46:21,575 Whee! Close to the tyres, he moved the tyres! 658 00:46:23,976 --> 00:46:28,056 Look at that, you've got the second to last corner worked out nicely. 659 00:46:28,056 --> 00:46:32,056 We're in 16 by 9 as we go across the line. And there we are. 660 00:46:32,056 --> 00:46:33,655 CHEERING 661 00:46:42,095 --> 00:46:46,816 More fun than Meg Ryan? Much more, most fun I've ever had on television. Really? 662 00:46:46,816 --> 00:46:52,096 Yeah. So here we are, here are the people, all of whom you will have met, I'm sure and interviewed. Yes. 663 00:46:52,096 --> 00:46:54,855 Where do you think you might have come? 664 00:46:54,855 --> 00:47:00,536 Well, I think bottom half, I think between Ray Winstone and Alan Carr. No. 665 00:47:00,536 --> 00:47:02,896 No? Higher? Oh, yeah. 666 00:47:02,896 --> 00:47:05,776 Did I beat Billie Piper? 667 00:47:05,776 --> 00:47:07,855 Did you beat Billie Piper? And James Blunt? 668 00:47:07,855 --> 00:47:09,696 No, I'll tell you what you did. 669 00:47:11,296 --> 00:47:12,976 A... 670 00:47:14,055 --> 00:47:18,295 1:49:4 671 00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:20,295 and that means you are 672 00:47:21,895 --> 00:47:23,496 there. 673 00:47:29,175 --> 00:47:32,775 Quicker than Ronnie Wood. I've beaten your great hero, Michael Gambon. 674 00:47:32,775 --> 00:47:34,495 You never interviewed him, did you? 675 00:47:34,495 --> 00:47:37,576 He wouldn't do it. He did it for you. We've had him twice. 676 00:47:37,576 --> 00:47:41,335 I know you have. Mind you, I tell you what, in the absence of 677 00:47:41,335 --> 00:47:43,936 a chat show on BBC One for the forthcoming few weeks, 678 00:47:43,936 --> 00:47:46,455 you should see our guest list for the rest of the year! 679 00:47:46,455 --> 00:47:49,256 Michael, it's been an absolute joy. 680 00:47:49,256 --> 00:47:52,896 I'm nervous as hell all the way through but you've been a superstar. 681 00:47:52,896 --> 00:47:55,495 Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Parkinson. 682 00:47:55,495 --> 00:47:57,816 CHEERING 683 00:48:04,495 --> 00:48:08,296 Now, earlier, the three of us had used 684 00:48:08,296 --> 00:48:13,776 our extensive knowledge of lorrying to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well. 685 00:48:13,776 --> 00:48:19,496 especially for Jeremy, who'd ended up with a gear lever in his bottom and his truck on fire. 686 00:48:19,496 --> 00:48:22,656 Still, we rejoin the action after we'd addressed those issues. 687 00:48:24,256 --> 00:48:27,335 My lorry was in a pretty poor state. 688 00:48:27,335 --> 00:48:32,095 Despite this, the producers threw us straight into the next challenge. 689 00:48:32,095 --> 00:48:35,335 "Since you've now had some practice at lorrying, 690 00:48:35,335 --> 00:48:37,615 and you are coming on well..." 691 00:48:37,615 --> 00:48:40,336 I think we are. I'm not. 692 00:48:40,336 --> 00:48:44,055 "We shall now see whose lorry is the fastest. 693 00:48:44,055 --> 00:48:47,056 "To do this, you will have to take the limiters off." 694 00:48:47,056 --> 00:48:50,856 I was going to say, they're all limited to 56, aren't they? 695 00:48:50,856 --> 00:48:55,216 Half an hour later, the limiters had been deactivated. 696 00:48:55,216 --> 00:49:00,496 I'm going to drive this ruined, ancient, burned lorry around here 697 00:49:00,496 --> 00:49:04,695 faster than Her Majesty's government deem to be safe. 698 00:49:06,016 --> 00:49:11,496 The venue for this hairbrain test was the fearsome two-mile bowl. 699 00:49:11,496 --> 00:49:16,455 But Hammond, in his Caterer was relishing the challenge. 700 00:49:16,455 --> 00:49:19,255 This is my sports trucks territory! 701 00:49:19,255 --> 00:49:25,015 However, my lightened convertible Magnum wasn't hanging around either. 702 00:49:25,015 --> 00:49:31,936 My 12-litre Magnum has splashed the 9-litre Scalia and splashed it enormously! 703 00:49:33,815 --> 00:49:36,535 I'm doing 60. Eat my Magnum! 704 00:49:36,535 --> 00:49:37,656 Yeah! 705 00:49:37,656 --> 00:49:41,816 Things were less exciting in James's world. 706 00:49:41,816 --> 00:49:44,496 59 1/2 miles an hour. 707 00:49:46,496 --> 00:49:48,695 'I was staggered by the speed of my Magnum!' 708 00:49:48,695 --> 00:49:52,456 I'm going 70 miles an hour in a lorry! 709 00:49:52,456 --> 00:49:56,295 But then, Hammond found another gear. 710 00:49:56,295 --> 00:49:58,735 Ha! 711 00:49:58,735 --> 00:50:01,496 I'm on the way to 75 now. 712 00:50:01,496 --> 00:50:04,935 So my lorry is, what's the word? 713 00:50:04,935 --> 00:50:08,935 It's faster, your GTI lorry is quick. 714 00:50:12,055 --> 00:50:16,855 We continue to pound round until eventually we hit our top speeds. 715 00:50:16,855 --> 00:50:18,695 80 miles an hour! 716 00:50:18,695 --> 00:50:21,416 64.6. 717 00:50:21,416 --> 00:50:24,095 Hammond, though, was touching 90. 718 00:50:24,095 --> 00:50:25,696 Yeah, thank you! 719 00:50:25,696 --> 00:50:30,335 But then we received instructions that we had to stop. 720 00:50:31,656 --> 00:50:36,736 Oh, cock! The cameramen retreated to a safe distance. 721 00:50:39,256 --> 00:50:43,575 Brake too gently you won't pull up, brake too hard, you'll lock up 722 00:50:43,575 --> 00:50:46,895 the trailer's rear wheels, you'll jack-knife and roll. 723 00:50:46,895 --> 00:50:49,576 Well, I'd rather not do either of those. 724 00:50:49,576 --> 00:50:55,696 In fact, James discovered there is a terrifying third way of stopping a big lorry. 725 00:51:02,975 --> 00:51:05,295 Was it really that frightening? 726 00:51:05,295 --> 00:51:08,295 Yes. We've got another challenge. 727 00:51:08,295 --> 00:51:12,735 I'm not interested. No, you will be. 728 00:51:12,735 --> 00:51:15,616 It says, "You now have to do a hill start. 729 00:51:15,616 --> 00:51:18,295 "This is a test of driving precision." 730 00:51:18,295 --> 00:51:24,375 It is, James, you've got to balance your handbrake, you clutch, your throttle. You love all that stuff. 731 00:51:24,375 --> 00:51:26,415 Yeah, precision. 732 00:51:26,415 --> 00:51:30,575 And it says "The winner will receive a year's supply of gentlemen's literature." 733 00:51:32,896 --> 00:51:35,856 FLUSHING 734 00:51:36,736 --> 00:51:39,056 We're back. We're back as a team. 735 00:51:39,056 --> 00:51:44,856 The literature in question was all very exciting, but the hill start was even better. 736 00:51:44,856 --> 00:51:49,015 Our trucks would be placed on a slope and then, to focus our minds, 737 00:51:49,015 --> 00:51:52,056 items close to our hearts would be placed behind them. 738 00:51:52,056 --> 00:51:55,896 In Jeremy's case, we went for his beloved drum-kit. 739 00:51:55,896 --> 00:52:00,175 Are you scared? On the drums, Jeremy Clarkson's lorry. 740 00:52:00,175 --> 00:52:01,975 Very much on the drums. 741 00:52:01,975 --> 00:52:04,096 I'm very fond of my drum-kit. Drum roll... 742 00:52:04,096 --> 00:52:05,736 Backwards down the hill! 743 00:52:05,736 --> 00:52:07,975 Shut up. 744 00:52:07,975 --> 00:52:10,215 Mirror. I think he's taking it very seriously. 745 00:52:10,215 --> 00:52:13,095 Come on. Get on with it, Clarkson! 746 00:52:13,095 --> 00:52:20,376 'The fate of my drum-kit rested on me being strong enough to engage the Renault's crawler gear.' 747 00:52:20,376 --> 00:52:23,015 This is it. The moment. 748 00:52:24,216 --> 00:52:27,055 Aw... Aw... 749 00:52:27,055 --> 00:52:32,775 The one thing the Renault Magnum can do is a hill-start. 750 00:52:32,775 --> 00:52:35,375 Now, we're not petty, but... 751 00:52:41,655 --> 00:52:43,775 He just clipped it on the way back. 752 00:52:43,775 --> 00:52:47,375 Mate, so close. I know, you must have... 753 00:52:47,375 --> 00:52:49,176 It never moved an inch. 754 00:52:49,176 --> 00:52:51,576 You've smashed my drum-kit up. 755 00:52:51,576 --> 00:52:53,695 You've smashed my drum-kit up! 756 00:52:56,455 --> 00:53:04,176 'Never mind, Hammond was next and I would strike down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger.' 757 00:53:04,176 --> 00:53:06,216 I think he's going to be quite cross with us. 758 00:53:06,216 --> 00:53:10,776 Have you seen what he's done to the number plate? 759 00:53:10,776 --> 00:53:13,935 Oh, for God's sake. Personal plates. He is such a pikey. 760 00:53:13,935 --> 00:53:17,616 No! Well, it was your dog or that. 761 00:53:17,616 --> 00:53:21,015 Evil BLEEP! 762 00:53:21,015 --> 00:53:24,935 My lorry didn't have a crawler gear. 763 00:53:24,935 --> 00:53:27,816 Ooh! Ah...! 764 00:53:32,335 --> 00:53:35,056 Do you want to use it as a chock? 765 00:53:35,056 --> 00:53:37,015 No! I can't do it! 766 00:53:37,015 --> 00:53:38,536 Do you want to give in? 767 00:53:38,536 --> 00:53:40,775 Yes. OK, he's giving in. 768 00:53:40,775 --> 00:53:43,255 May, it's your turn. 769 00:53:43,255 --> 00:53:47,335 Thanks to James's extended lavatory break, it was now getting dark. 770 00:53:47,335 --> 00:53:50,016 But there was no way we were going to stop. 771 00:53:50,016 --> 00:53:55,295 We've been round to James's house and we've relieved him of his prized grand piano. Are you joking? 772 00:53:55,295 --> 00:54:00,415 No. Sadly though, even before the test began, there was an issue. 773 00:54:04,776 --> 00:54:08,976 Don't film that. Just don't film. Let's film something over here. 774 00:54:08,976 --> 00:54:12,416 What's more, our repair job wasn't brilliant. 775 00:54:12,416 --> 00:54:19,776 When he finds that his precious piano is propped up by a mountain of pornography, he is going to go ape. 776 00:54:19,776 --> 00:54:22,176 OK, May, let it rock. 777 00:54:24,376 --> 00:54:29,296 He'll be very good at this. He likes this sort of thing. See look, feeling the power. 778 00:54:29,296 --> 00:54:31,015 Jeremy... 779 00:54:38,855 --> 00:54:40,936 Run. Yes, run away. 780 00:54:40,936 --> 00:54:44,176 Keep the porn! You can have that. 781 00:54:44,176 --> 00:54:47,575 'We hoped that would be that, but no.' 782 00:54:47,575 --> 00:54:54,336 The producers said we had to meet up at the Top Gear test track the next day for one final challenge. 783 00:54:56,335 --> 00:55:01,855 It says, "This is a test of speed, braking and toughness all and one. 784 00:55:01,855 --> 00:55:08,176 "You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and then stop as quickly as possible. 785 00:55:08,176 --> 00:55:14,575 "Whoever does that in the shortest distance will win a year's supply of pies." 786 00:55:14,575 --> 00:55:17,335 What do they mean by obstacle? 787 00:55:18,936 --> 00:55:20,376 Doesn't say. 788 00:55:22,296 --> 00:55:23,855 What sort of pies? 789 00:55:23,855 --> 00:55:28,856 We really did have no idea what sort of obstacles we'd be driving through. 790 00:55:28,856 --> 00:55:32,135 But we could see the windscreens were being heavily fortified 791 00:55:32,135 --> 00:55:35,376 with mesh, so it probably wouldn't be balloons. 792 00:55:37,575 --> 00:55:42,536 And so, with a sense of trepidation, I lined up on the start line and set off. 793 00:55:45,536 --> 00:55:49,936 30, 35, come on. 794 00:55:49,936 --> 00:55:54,415 I bet Hammond's pissing himself, but think of his book's sales. They're massive. 795 00:55:54,415 --> 00:55:58,896 Come on, build, build, build. He hasn't got long to write it. 796 00:56:02,416 --> 00:56:04,096 Here we go. This might hurt. 797 00:56:30,016 --> 00:56:34,216 My truck had taken a wallop, but the distance covered was extremely short. 798 00:56:34,216 --> 00:56:36,656 This annoyed my colleagues. 799 00:56:38,496 --> 00:56:40,975 I don't think that's fair. What? 800 00:56:40,975 --> 00:56:43,735 Well, he had a huge structure that will have slowed him down, 801 00:56:43,735 --> 00:56:46,856 so therefore his stopping difference will have been less. 802 00:56:46,856 --> 00:56:51,616 So if my obstacle is very solid, I'll just stop. And you'll win. You'll be killed, but you'll win. 803 00:56:51,616 --> 00:56:56,135 It hardly slowed me. Rubbish! No, I needed... 804 00:56:56,135 --> 00:57:00,176 Rubbish, you were barely moving coming out of the other side of that. 805 00:57:00,176 --> 00:57:05,095 Hoping for a more solid impact than Hammond's, I began to roll. 806 00:57:05,095 --> 00:57:08,295 Oh, my Lord. I'm glad I'm not in his lorry now. 807 00:57:08,295 --> 00:57:09,616 Here it comes. 808 00:57:18,216 --> 00:57:20,335 Bracing, bracing. 809 00:57:34,376 --> 00:57:37,375 After the crash, my friends were deeply concerned. 810 00:57:37,375 --> 00:57:40,616 He's woken up stuck in a lorry cab with five firemen. 811 00:57:44,176 --> 00:57:47,336 Sadly, my lorry had travelled 40 yards further than the airfield, 812 00:57:47,336 --> 00:57:51,616 even though I'd taken out 600 office water coolers. 813 00:57:51,616 --> 00:57:56,215 If you were going to have a meeting in an office somewhere, I'm sorry, I've just spoiled it for you. 814 00:57:56,215 --> 00:57:57,856 Here we go. 815 00:57:57,856 --> 00:58:01,415 So now, only the mighty Magnum could beat Hammond. 816 00:58:01,415 --> 00:58:03,415 This isn't fair. 817 00:58:03,415 --> 00:58:06,496 That'll slow him much better than my stupid building. 818 00:58:14,535 --> 00:58:16,536 Have we had lunch? 819 00:58:19,695 --> 00:58:21,015 Hard down... 820 00:58:21,015 --> 00:58:22,575 Here we go! 821 00:58:37,615 --> 00:58:38,895 Ah! 822 00:58:38,895 --> 00:58:40,576 Ah! 823 00:58:40,576 --> 00:58:42,255 Ah! 824 00:58:42,255 --> 00:58:48,056 'The impact was a bit nasty, but before seeking medical attention, there was some arguing to be done.' 825 00:58:48,056 --> 00:58:52,736 You may have beaten me there, and if you did that's just because you had a better obstacle than I had. 826 00:58:52,736 --> 00:58:56,095 Rubbish! You had a brick wall, I had wooden walls. Measure it. Let's measure it. 827 00:58:56,095 --> 00:58:58,735 I tell you, I promise you... 828 00:58:58,735 --> 00:59:01,615 Ow, this actually really hurts. 829 00:59:06,016 --> 00:59:10,935 See, how many lorries are trashed on that Strictly Come Dancing thing? None. 830 00:59:10,935 --> 00:59:17,815 Now, we should explain, the impact that I had there was pretty severe. 831 00:59:17,815 --> 00:59:23,176 My ankle burst where the clutch pedal went through it, my head was dislodged from my spine. 832 00:59:23,176 --> 00:59:26,775 And really, we've ended up with a Top Gear top tip. 833 00:59:26,775 --> 00:59:30,376 If you are a lorryist and you're going to have an accident 834 00:59:30,376 --> 00:59:34,336 and there's a choice of something to hit, avoid anything with bricks in it. 835 00:59:34,336 --> 00:59:38,456 Always swerve and go for the big pile of mineral water. Yes, that's a safer bet. 836 00:59:38,456 --> 00:59:40,416 Anyway, we have done a scoreboard. 837 00:59:40,416 --> 00:59:44,376 It's hopeless to be honest and massively complicated, 838 00:59:44,376 --> 00:59:46,576 but the upshot of it is this... 839 00:59:46,576 --> 00:59:49,615 I got 60 points. 840 00:59:49,615 --> 00:59:54,695 Hammond, you got minus 25. 841 00:59:54,695 --> 00:59:57,056 And Jeremy, you got... 842 00:59:57,056 --> 01:00:02,976 A gear lever in his bottom. A gear lever in his bottom and minus 3,560. 843 01:00:06,856 --> 01:00:10,135 Why did I get that? You just did. 844 01:00:10,135 --> 01:00:11,856 Whatever. We have proved... 845 01:00:11,856 --> 01:00:13,815 we have proved 846 01:00:13,815 --> 01:00:19,336 that the Scania P94D is the best truck in Britain today. 847 01:00:19,336 --> 01:00:23,856 And next week we have more lorries on, in fact, because we've been to America to test some muscle cars. 848 01:00:23,856 --> 01:00:26,375 So we'll see you then, unless of course 849 01:00:26,375 --> 01:00:30,056 you're all watching the sequinned has-beens on the other side. 850 01:00:30,056 --> 01:00:31,456 Take care, good night. 851 01:00:37,936 --> 01:00:41,016 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd