1
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:18,000
Tonight, Boris Johnson is the mayor-
in our reasonably priced car. Yeah!

2
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,880
Jeremy attempts an old-fashioned
sensible road-test of
the new Ford Fiesta.

3
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And has Communism ever
produced a good car?

4
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Hello! Hello. And welcome.

5
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,840
Thank you. We start with this
phenomenal new Caterham

6
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,520
that is actually too small
for Jeremy to fit in.

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00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,680
Happily, I fit in it perfectly,
which is why I have been driving it.

8
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,320
And here it comes now.

9
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,080
And there it goes.

10
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and it likes to go this quickly
all the time.

11
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Ye gods! This is something else!

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It moves with the agility of a flea.

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Every little input through the
steering, the brakes, the throttle,

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you get a result every time.

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The figures that go with this
little thing are off the scale.

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00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,120
0-60, 2.9 seconds.

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Power to weight,
520 horsepower per tonne.

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That's the same as a Bugatti Veyron.

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If you define driving excitement
as just raw, pure adrenalin then...

20
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well, this is it.

21
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And I'm really glad
I'm driving it on our track.

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But not for the
reason you might think.

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No, the reason I'm glad to be here
is that no-one can see me.

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Allow me to explain. This is the To-
Gear Excellence/Embarrassment graph,

25
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and it measures how good the car
is to drive against how
embarrassing it is to be seen in.

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00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,280
Some examples - the Alfa Romeo
Spider is a pretty shonky thing to
drive

27
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,320
but very cool to be seen in,

28
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so it sits about here on our graph.

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The Audi RS4 is undeniably
very, very good to drive,

30
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but driven exclusively by cocks,

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so pretty embarrassing to be
seen in - it ends up about here.

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Last example, Citroen Pluriel -
well, that's terrible to drive

33
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and really very embarrassing to be
seen in, so it sits right up here.

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Finally,
the Caterham R500 Superlight.

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Well, there's no denying it is
absolutely brilliant to drive,

36
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but also catastrophically
embarrassing to be seen in,

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because it's driven only
by geeks and nerds,

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so it ends up well in
the problem area of the graph...

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up here.

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What we need then, really, is a
Caterham that's OK to be seen in.

41
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And this could be a contender.

42
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It's called the Veritas RSIII,

43
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and there's certainly no problem
with its appearance,

44
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because it looks like a
1930s racing car from the future.

45
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,440
Now, you've probably never heard
of the Veritas, and that
usually only means two things.

46
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,680
Firstly,
it's built by a man in a shed.

47
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Secondly, that man's wife
will leave him

48
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when the bank manager forces him
to sell the house

49
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,360
to pay for his fibreglass lash-up.

50
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:51,200
However, the Veritas is German
and, annoyingly, German shed cars

51
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can be as good as most other
people's factory cars.

52
00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,200
This incredible body is hand-crafte-
from carbon fibre and Kevlar
with precision -

53
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,920
and that's German precision,
remember, which is the best sort.

54
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Then there's the engine,
which is a V8 from BMW's M division.

55
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Now, the M division don't sell
their engines to cowboys or losers,

56
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so the Veritas has got a
good job reference right there.

57
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,200
And what this also means is that th-
Veritas is pretty quick.

58
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Woah! Where have I felt that
before?

59
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,000
Oh, yeah, in that Caterham
about five minutes ago.

60
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This V8 once powered the BMW M3

61
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,600
but has been tuned up from 420
to 473 horsepower.

62
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0-60, 3.6 seconds.

63
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Every time you stamp on the
throttle,

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this thing just drop-kicks your
stomach half a mile
back down the road.

65
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:58,600
ENGINE REVS

66
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,200
The reason for this
speed isn't just power.

67
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,480
It's also down to weight -
or rather lack of it.

68
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The Veritas only weighs a snatch
over 1,000 kilos, but then it would,

69
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because you don't get ABS, traction-
control or a windscreen,

70
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and there's no roof,
just a sort of submarine hatch
covering the passenger seat.

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But this absence of anything
does come at quite a price -

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£246,948, to be exact.

73
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But you do get this glorious
speedboat-style wooden flooring

74
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,000
and these hand-milled
bespoke switches

75
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,360
and, well, couple that with the
fact that, in the jet set,

76
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there's generally one born every
minute, and it all sort
of makes sense, really.

77
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At least what the Veritas lacks
in toys or value for money

78
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it does make up for in history -
because, many decades ago, Veritas
was a German sports car company

79
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,280
and they made the very first
German Formula One car.

80
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:18,920
Which means, if I apply some
Top Gear logic, this thing
should be good through the corners.

81
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,400
TYRES SCREECH

82
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In fact, it's nowhere near as
sharp as the dweeby Caterham.

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The biggest problem by a country
mile is the big round thing
in front of me.

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appears to have been taken
from a lorry.

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I mean, look, I have to keep
turning, keep turning, take my
hands off and do some more turning.

86
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:04,200
Now, Veritas say they
won't be selling cars to
customers until next year,

87
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:11,000
and that by then the steering will
have been sorted out but, even if
it is, this won't be the car for me.

88
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,400
It's just too serious.
The price is too serious.

89
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The engine, Kevlar...

90
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I want my Caterham back.

91
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,040
I want my fun back.

92
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,480
APPLAUSE

93
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,120
Very good, but Hammond... Yes.

94
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,240
..I'm slightly perplexed.

95
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,040
You say if you drive around in
one of these you look a dweeb.

96
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:45,040
Yes. You know Jeremy's wife's got
one of these? Ah... Very
fond of it, big fan.

97
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,600
She's here today. All right...
She wants a word with you.
Thank you(!)

98
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Anyway, if you drive one of
these and you look a dweeb,
how do you think you look in that?

99
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,880
Emeritus Professor of History?
LAUGHTER

100
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,480
Edward Fox, perhaps?

101
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,840
Or a big, slobbering...

102
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,640
No, no. The thing is, this costs
£212,000 more than the Caterham.

103
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,840
Exactly, so you're paying a
lot more for a car that's worse.

104
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,760
Well, to find that out, we'll have
to see how fast they go
round our track,

105
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,760
and for that we need
our tame racing driver.

106
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:18,840
Some say one of his legs gets
longer when he sees
a pretty lady.

107
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,000
LAUGHTER

108
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,680
And that I haven't done one of
these for some time and I've
forgotten to make up a second thing.

109
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,640
LAUGHTER

110
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,240
All we know is he's called The Stig.

111
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,440
And he's off!

112
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,480
Lots of wheel-spin off the line but-
then it digs in and unleashes the
full force of that four-litre V8.

113
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,960
Powers down towards the first
corner.

114
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,200
Turns in rather gingerly,
it must be said.

115
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,280
I should add, since I drove
the car, Veritas have given it

116
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,520
a faster steering rack, which
should make it easier
to drive quickly.

117
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,480
Stig suddenly having
no problems at Chicago.

118
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,160
Down to Hammerhead now,
hard on the brakes.

119
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,600
Turns it in. Seemed to scrub off
quite a bit of speed there.

120
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,920
But he's right back on it now,
kicking the tail out on the exit.

121
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,760
Let's see him really wind
it up for the follow-through.

122
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,200
Here he goes.

123
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,400
Doesn't actually
sound like a V8 there.

124
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,920
Just two corners left.

125
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,000
Going into the penultimate corner.

126
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,240
Very smooth. Just Gambon left.

127
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,640
Very composed into there,

128
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,040
just a little flick of opposite
lock, and across the line.

129
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,160
APPLAUSE

130
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,720
And it...
A big V8 in there, powerful car.

131
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:48,120
So let's have a look. It did it
in 1.24.02,

132
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,240
which is faster than an Audi R8.

133
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,520
That's a quick time.
Well done, Veritas.

134
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,840
Now we must find out if
the Caterham
can do any better.

135
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,960
Off it goes again,
and let's just see how quickly the
Caterham gets off the line.

136
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,480
It is like a little flea,
this thing.

137
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,320
Piles it into the first corner,
locking up the brakes.

138
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,920
Like the Veritas, the R500 has got
no ABS or other electronic nonsense.

139
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,240
Beautiful drift
through the other side.

140
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,280
Just sliding it around Chicago.
That is how
this car should be driven.

141
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,480
Hammerhead now. Stig is so excited
he's flipped on the indicator.

142
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,960
He's rarely had so
much fun out here.

143
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,320
You really notice that bump on
Hammerhead in a car as light as
this.

144
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,120
Only problem is that lack of
weight can make it hard to
get heated with the tyres on.

145
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,120
This is a very cold day, remember.

146
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,560
That two-litre Ford engine,

147
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,680
half the cylinders and capacity of
the Veritas but, by God, it flies.

148
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,520
Neat through the penultimate corner.
Stig really on it now,
loving every minute.

149
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,120
Slings it through Gambon,
and across the line.

150
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,040
APPLAUSE

151
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,800
Obviously, the big question is,
did it go faster than the Veritas?

152
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:59,120
In fact, it did go faster -
quite a bit faster, quite
a lot faster, actually.

153
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,600
Quite a heck of a lot
faster, because it's up here!

154
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,160
1.17.9. Look at that!

155
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,440
1.17.9! Nearly as fast
as a Zonda F Convertible!

156
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,400
That means the £36,000 Caterham

157
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,400
is faster than a £1 million
Bugatti Veyron. I just...!

158
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,520
APPLAUSE

159
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:19,760
An amazing little car!

160
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,360
Absolutely fabulous.

161
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,520
And now the news,

162
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,120
and it's great news,
ladies and gentlemen.

163
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,840
It's news to warm
the hearts of nations.

164
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,120
Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice.

165
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

166
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,280
Mate, I'm sorry. I know!
Imagine how we feel!

167
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,920
They're gutted, mate.
They're gutted.

168
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,480
But the good news is that means
we can talk about whatever we
like and say what we like.

169
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,840
So, let's...
LAUGHTER

170
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,440
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

171
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,800
Let's get on with the news. I
thought we'd start this week

172
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,680
with talking about this
magazine called Heat.

173
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,360
Ooh, yeah?
LAUGHTER

174
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,680
Every year, they do a survey in
which they ask the whole world

175
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,760
to tell them their sort of
weirdest crush,

176
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:17,320
their strangest, freakiest,
oddest, most embarrassing,
ridiculous person to fancy.

177
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:20,680
And, well, do you wanna guess?

178
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,480
He's won it, ladies and gentlemen!

179
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here he is! Look at that!

180
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,240
Yeah! "Number one weird crush."

181
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,000
And the other thing, ladies and
gentlemen, in the same magazine...

182
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,920
This is actually quite poetic,
in the romance.

183
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,920
He's in the same magazine as his
boyfriend, look! Aw! Will Young.

184
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,680
And he loves him so much.
Jeremy, I'm really pleased that
you should share magazine space

185
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,600
with Will Young, your boyfriend.
You know what he did the other
day, when he still had his voice?

186
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,120
He came into the office and went,
"Have you heard Will's new single?
It's fantastic!" He loves it.

187
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,440
"Will"! He went on about it all the
time. "I love Bill's new song."
He does.

188
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,280
Can I just say... Oh, it speaks!

189
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,760
Or sort of squeaks.

190
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,920
Yeah, no... That's just a noise.

191
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,760
Are you deflating? What's that?

192
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,040
Synthetic saliva?!

193
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,360
It means that I have
just a few minutes of speaking. Oh!

194
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,200
So you need more saliva?

195
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,680
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've
no doubt we can oblige with that.

196
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,560
LAUGHTER

197
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,280
How do you know it's synthetic
and isn't just some bloke's...?

198
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,040
LAUGHTER

199
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,520
Gobbing...
HE MIMICS SPITTING

200
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,080
Bottle it.

201
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:42,800
You can shut up for a
kick-off as well.

202
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,520
What is that noise you're making?

203
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:49,360
Have you seen his eye?
He's got the biggest eye
infection I've ever seen!

204
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,320
At least I don't look like a
mutant!

205
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,680
Has it come to this?
I'm working with these two.

206
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,600
This isn't a television
programme any more. It's a colony!

207
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,320
LAUGHTER

208
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,160
I tell you what, instead of
hurling abuse at each other, why...

209
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,520
Excuse me. Why don't we do the
news?

210
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:09,920
Yes, let's do the news.
Good news, OK?

211
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:16,120
We haven't been asked to do
the commentary on the Formula One
coverage on the BBC next year.

212
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,480
No, it's good news.
What they've got, they've brought
Martin Brundle over from ITV.

213
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,440
That's fantastic. We'll be able
to watch the slow march of
his trousers up his stomach.

214
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,000
LAUGHTER
They've got Eddie Jordan.

215
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,320
He's gonna be a pundit. That's
fantastic. Eddie's a great guy.

216
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,920
David Coulthard is the other
pundit, and that worries me.

217
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,960
I think that means that on
lap two of every race your
telly will suddenly go off.

218
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,800
Or it'll just fall off the stand
for no reason.
"Why have you done that?"

219
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,440
Apparently, they've got Murray
Walker involved. They have. Murray
Walker's coming back to the BBC.

220
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:52,560
He is. Yeah.
AUDIENCE CHEERS

221
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,360
Bless him. It is good news.

222
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,080
Did you know, though, he's 84?

223
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,160
He'll be at Silverstone going, "It
were all trees when I were a lad."

224
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,160
Ferrari's pulled in
with their first pit stop.
Let's go to Murray Walker.

225
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,000
"Can someone change me bag?
It's full again."

226
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,880
commentating
on F1, that's pretty cool.

227
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,880
You won't be commentating on
anything. Look! I've just thought.

228
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,560
I wanna move it on. You know the
Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson?

229
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,640
She recently sold her Jaguar.
It has ended up in the hands of -

230
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,040
it was in the papers this week -
hands of a cabbie.

231
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,080
Steve Coulson, 31,
of the north somewhere.

232
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,440
He's gone to the papers

233
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,920
because he found that she's left
all the addresses she's been to

234
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,440
in the sat nav,
still programmed into the system.

235
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,120
He is saying,
"What if I'd been a terrorist?

236
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,960
"This car is a suicide
bomber's dream."

237
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,760
Now one of the addresses in there,
Windsor Castle.

238
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,720
Another, Buckingham Palace.
LAUGHTER

239
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,160
I think some people know
where those things are already.

240
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,200
No, don't laugh, this is a
national security nightmare, it is.

241
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,280
And also, he has inadvertently made-
himself the world's most hunted man.

242
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,240
I'm presuming he's looked at this
sat nav and seen the addresses.

243
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,200
He knows where Windsor Castle is.

244
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,440
Every terrorist organisation in
the world is going to be after him

245
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,760
for his lethal secret knowledge.
LAUGHTER

246
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,000
I think there's only one decent
course of action here. What?

247
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,800
Assuming he has destroyed it,
that's fine. He has read it,

248
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,480
therefore he must kill himself
and take his knowledge to the grave.

249
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,560
Now, there's a new Mini convertible.

250
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,560
It's got better engines,
bigger boot.

251
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,440
But the thing that caught my eye is-
it's fitted with something called

252
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,920
an "openometer".
I'm not making this up.

253
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:43,160
An openometer tells you
how much you
have driven it with the roof off.

254
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:45,880
Well, what's the point in that?

255
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,880
Why not have a dial that
tells you how many times you've
driven through Leicester?

256
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,440
Why would you want to know what you-
drove with the roof up,

257
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,840
and what you drove with the
roof down? It makes no sense.

258
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,800
Do you remember the early Corvettes,

259
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:02,800
they had a little dial that showed
you how many revs the engine had
done. Revs? Revs, yeah.

260
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,520
What, going around at 5,000 rpm?

261
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,800
It would be wider than the car
just to get the dial in.

262
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,240
I worked it out from
my old Porsche actually. Your what?

263
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,200
My old Porsche is 25 years old.

264
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,760
8.4 times 10 to the eight revs.
You worked that out...

265
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,600
LAUGHTER
..for your car? You've spent time...

266
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,320
Wow, so you must actually have done-
everything there is to do
in the whole world

267
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,520
to get to the bottom of the list
of everything a human being can do.

268
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,600
What's it like on the top of
Everest? It's all right.

269
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,560
Richard, I went to
a dinner party the other day.

270
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,640
I was sat next to a girl who said
she couldn't believe James May
was still single.

271
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,320
There's your answer!
There's your answer!

272
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,520
Anyway, look, tough times
for carmakers, as we know.

273
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,160
They're all in really, really
deep...

274
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,640
Oh, dear, I've arrived at a point
where I can't say the word
I need to say - deep mess.

275
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,880
They've resorted to offering
incredibly long test drives

276
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,400
to people just to
get them into the showrooms.

277
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:09,680
Lexus will lend you a car
for 48 hours - two days.

278
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,800
BMW say you can go in one
of their cars for 100 miles.

279
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,000
Peugeot, 24 hours. Peugeot? Peugeot.

280
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,440
Are they surprised when people
bring it back after 24 minutes?

281
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,240
That's enough of that!
Now the reporter who uncovered

282
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,680
this story, he said he went to a
Peugeot dealership to try a 207.

283
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,400
And the salesman said,
"I can go one better than that, sir.

284
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,880
"I can lend you a 4007."

285
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,240
That's not ONE better, is it?

286
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,040
That's 3,800 better he went,
just to try and get a sale.

287
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,200
One better than a 207 is...

288
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,440
work it out. It's...

289
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,560
it's herpes. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

290
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,200
Think about this logically.

291
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,440
How many people here drove to the
studio today?

292
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,160
Everybody? In my Peugeot.
Brilliant car. Best in the world.
What's a brilliant car?

293
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,360
Peugeot 406 with a six-player CD.

294
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,240
Best car in the world.

295
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:00,880
That's you told!

296
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,440
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He's making a fine case for it.

297
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,720
He thinks the Peugeot 406,
with a six-player CD,

298
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,400
is the best car in the world.
Not an Enzo, as it turns out.

299
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,400
We've been wasting our time.

300
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,440
I'm glad you brought that up,
because I'm going to
skip on down, if I may.

301
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,000
The number of lunatics in Britain
has been halved.

302
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,800
I know there's some evidence to
suggest that they're out and in
the countryside and among us.

303
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,800
But I have arrived at
this conclusion

304
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,800
by a simple and alarming fact
that came across my desk
only this morning.

305
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,000
Electric car sales are down by half.

306
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,040
That must mean that loonies
are fewer and far between.

307
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,200
Really, I genuinely
congratulate you for your bravery.

308
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,840
It seems these days that absolutely
everything you buy is made in China.

309
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,080
Chopsticks,
Ming vases, mah jong sets...

310
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,200
Dogs. Exactly.

311
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,160
Some people are saying that
soon we will be buying cars
made in the People's Republic.

312
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,080
Thing is, though,
China is a Communist country.

313
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,360
And that got James and me wondering.

314
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,240
Communism - has it ever produced
a good car?

315
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,800
We thought it would ironic to
film our hunt here
at the Greenham Common airbase,

316
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:29,360
home in the 1980s
to 96 US Air Force missiles
and several hundred lesbians.

317
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,760
Today they're all gone,
and in their place we find this.

318
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,880
It's a Lada Riva, which started
out in life as a Fiat 124,

319
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,560
one of the most advanced
sports saloons of the period.

320
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,480
But the Russians made a few changes-
to the original design.

321
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,240
They replaced the excellent disc
brakes with drums, which were worse.

322
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,720
They fitted a starting handle,

323
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,000
a manual fuel pump,
and they made the body
from much, much thicker steel.

324
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,280
As I shall now demonstrate...

325
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,240
..with my hammer. Ready?

326
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,440
It's nuclear.

327
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,200
The heaviest part of the car,
though, was not the nuclear
bunker bodywork.

328
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,040
It was the steering.

329
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,160
I actually believe
it's set in concrete.

330
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,720
In fact, the only good thing
about this car is that
you could drive it in a hat.

331
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,640
Let me give you
an example of its terribleness.

332
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,440
The rear brakes were
made from aluminium.

333
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,560
They must have thought,
"Aha, that's very advanced!

334
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,560
"The West hasn't thought of this."

335
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:48,560
There's a very good
reason for that though.

336
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:53,840
Aluminium has the same braking
properties, really, as...cheese.

337
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,000
TYRES SCREECH

338
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,240
Despite all these things,

339
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,320
the Riva is still being built today-
under licence in Egypt.

340
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,080
Imagine that,
a 40-year-old Italian design,

341
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,760
improved by the Russians and
now built by a bunch of Egyptians.

342
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,720
I can't think of
anything worse than that!

343
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,600
Well, I can.

344
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,520
You see, the Lada was not the only
car to come from the Soviet Union.

345
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,880
There were hundreds of
the damn things -

346
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,240
GAZes, VAZes,

347
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,160
ZILs, ISHes, ZAZes...

348
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,840
..and this, the Moskvitch 408.

349
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:50,680
Now this car was originally launched-
at the 1964 British
Earl's Court Motor Show.

350
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:56,400
And it was Communism's response
to our very own people's car,
the Mark I Cortina.

351
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:03,000
And as you'd expect, the Moskvitch
was very cheap. Just £679.

352
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,760
The Cortina was a whole pound
more expensive.

353
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,000
The gearbox is sloppy,
the suspension is bouncy,

354
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,840
the steering is very heavy
and yet very vague.

355
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,400
And just listen to the noise
when you hit 40?

356
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,920
ENGINE SHUDDERS

357
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,760
Interestingly, this particular one
was built in the factory
where they also made

358
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,480
the AK47 rifle.

359
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,800
The difference is,
this is much more lethal.

360
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,720
So, whose car was the most wretched?

361
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,640
That is simply the worst car in
the world. Even worse than this.

362
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,000
Disagree.
Have you seen the pedals in this?

363
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,960
Look where the accelerator pedal is-
in relation to the other two.

364
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,560
Thought so. A rev counter. Yes?

365
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,720
You decadent, capitalist pig!

366
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,760
Ownership of a rev counter is theft.

367
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,520
This is the colour
of a prosthetic limb.

368
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,880
You've got wipers on your headlights.

369
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,240
They don't work! Not the point.
It's aspirational.

370
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,120
Rear suspension made out of cart
springs. What have you got on yours?-
Coils. Exactly.

371
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,920
Elitist! The coils, James,
are from a Bulgarian's biro.

372
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,960
We decided to settle our argument

373
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,800
by finding out which was
the slowest
in a quarter-mile drag race.

374
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,160
And, to spice it up, we would be
racing against a Western car
from the time,

375
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:34,520
a Ford Cortina 1600 E, and a dog.

376
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:40,600
Fast as you can. Don't cheat.

377
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,720
Why would I need to cheat?

378
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,040
Er... Launch control?

379
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,200
No, doesn't have that. Er...

380
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,560
Clearly,
the Commie cars would be a while.

381
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,520
So let's move on - to this...

382
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,800
..the Zzzgggz 968.

383
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,400
Maybe this could save the day
for Socialism.

384
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:26,960
Oh, my God, there's no key!

385
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,760
ENGINE STARTS

386
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:32,480
Yeah!

387
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:42,520
Interestingly it was
rear-engined, so it was exactly
the same as a Porsche 911...

388
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:45,720
..except for one thing.

389
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:53,120
Look at this. Under the carpet in
here, the passenger foot-well,
there's a little flap.

390
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,200
You open it and there's a hole.

391
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,920
The idea is that you park your car
on a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice,

392
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:05,760
drop your fishing line
through the hole, plug in your
interior lamp, like that.

393
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,320
Then you hang that up,
and you can sit back and
do an evening's fishing.

394
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,680
Not even a Maybach has this!

395
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:22,480
Better still, the Zappo 968
was available with a choice of
trim levels.

396
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,000
Unusual in a single party state.

397
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,400
This is the standard 968, OK? Yes.

398
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,240
What do you suppose the 968 B2 was?

399
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:37,960
It was an estate version. No.

400
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,480
It was for people who had
the use of only one foot. Ah!

401
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,600
968 B?

402
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,280
That's the least of its problems.
968 B? Twin carb?

403
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,480
No. For people who didn't
have the use of either foot.

404
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,720
968 A?

405
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,720
People with...

406
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:03,080
..one foot and two hands but
one of them is frozen?

407
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,880
No. That was the one
with the 0.7 litre engine. Wow!

408
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,720
Now, if you're name begins with
"Ar" and ends with "thur Scargill",

409
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,800
you might claim we're wrong to blame-
Communism for all these
truly terrible cars.

410
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,920
You might say that it's just
a Russian problem,

411
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:32,480
Well, Mr Scargill, a quick canter
through some other Eastern Bloc
cars will prove you wrong.

412
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,680
Take this, the Wartburg,
from East Germany.

413
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,680
When they made a rally version
of this,
they had to fit uprated brakes,

414
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,040
which they got from an Austin Maxi.

415
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:49,760
How bad do the standard brakes have-
to be for a Maxi's to be better?

416
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,960
And then there was the equally
East German Trabant,

417
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,360
which was made from,
and I'm not making this up...cotton.

418
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,840
Mr Khrushchev once said,
"We will bury you."

419
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:12,920
What with? This?
It's actually made from leather.

420
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:18,280
I think it looks like
somebody's crashed a motorcycle
into the back of a cow.

421
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,400
And then from Poland
there's the FSO pick-up truck.

422
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:30,000
And, of course, we know
a thing or two on Top Gear
about how to test such things.

423
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,080
This free world Toyota, for example.

424
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,400
We dropped it from
a 23-storey tower block.

425
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,760
And it worked afterwards.

426
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,800
So, surely the rugged FSO,
from the world's best plumbers,
could survive this?

427
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,240
'It didn't.'

428
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,360
Maybe we should try dropping
it from a slightly lower height?

429
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:01,360
It's a bit late now, isn't it?

430
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,760
NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS

431
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,640
Finally, from Britain,
there was the Morris Marina.

432
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:15,680
The unpleasant log laid by British
Leyland after Communism crept,

433
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,960
like a Nietzsche red blanket,
over the shop floor.

434
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:25,040
God almighty. God almighty!

435
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:27,640
Britain made this.

436
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,080
They have the effrontery,
the bare-faced cheek,
to call this super?

437
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:38,240
I suppose
you weren't actually allowed back
then to call it Trotskyite crap.

438
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,320
Maybe that's what the
TC version stood for.

439
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,160
Still, having it here enables us
to answer an important question.

440
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,320
You see, the Cold War ended before
we ever got the chance to find out

441
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,160
who would have won
if we'd actually started fighting.

442
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:57,040
Yeah, but now we can
find out with a race.
We have all the ingredients here.

443
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,000
It's cold,
the track is much too narrow,
it's too pockmarked, it's bumpy.

444
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,240
I shall be driving the Morris
Marxist and you shall be in the...

445
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:11,200
What is it? The Lenin 1.6 SLX.

446
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,280
Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.

447
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:16,240
And the loser
has to sacrifice his bath plug.

448
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:19,880
Now we'll see, Mr Clarkson.

449
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,640
Oi!

450
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:26,240
Welcome to the inaugural round of
the BTCC, The British Touring
Communism Championships.

451
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:33,400
Welcome to the inaugural round of
the BTCC, The British Touring
Communism Championships.

452
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,000
I can get him on the inside. Yes!

453
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:43,200
Oh, no, he's coming
through but he has an 86 brake
horse power - I've only got 83.

454
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:46,800
May! Marvellous.

455
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,000
Russian communism is better
than British communism.

456
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:54,160
How do you like that?

457
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,640
Come on, get out of my way!

458
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,040
This thing is impossible to steer.

459
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:03,400
Whoa! I've missed the track.

460
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,640
I'll take him here.

461
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:12,320
Get off!

462
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:18,280
No, May, no. I'm back in the lead.

463
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,120
The handling is simply diabolical.
There's no other word for it.

464
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,200
Yes, the Polaris is way
in the lead here.

465
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:37,200
Gaining. Gaining. No, wait!

466
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:41,360
The SS18 is coming through.
BUMP

467
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,240
He's hit me. He's hit me.

468
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,920
There's nothing I can do.
Ha! That will annoy him.

469
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:53,480
There's some catching up
to be done now!

470
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:57,520
Come on, Marina!

471
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,840
There he is, he's in my sights.

472
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,040
'The Marina caught the Lada
quite quickly,

473
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:08,080
'which means we would have won the
Cold War if we'd started fighting.'

474
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:10,720
Yes, what you think of this?!

475
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:14,480
Argh! Goodbye, Mr May.

476
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:17,840
Oh, dear.

477
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:20,560
I seem to have accidentally
killed James May there.

478
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:28,000
Anyway... The miracle is not
that the Marina won that, it's that-
it was built in the first place.

479
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,080
In Russia, you had to work hard in
the car factories or you'd suddenly

480
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:40,880
discover how difficult it is to
mine Siberian salt while wearing
a hat made from your wife's head.

481
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,120
British Communists didn't really
bother with any of that.

482
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,240
Mostly, in fact, they didn't
bother turning up for work at all.

483
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:54,240
They'd simply get to the factory
gates where they'd spent the rest

484
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,320
of the day chatting and huddling
for warmth round a burning dustbin.

485
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:01,760
It does work well as a brazier.

486
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,120
But that's what they were best
at because they spent

487
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:07,080
more time with braziers than
they did making cars. It's true.

488
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,080
So far, we've established that
Communistical cars were not fast,

489
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,560
pretty, well engineered,
cheap or reliable.

490
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,960
But while all animals were equal,
some were more equal than others.

491
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:30,400
This is a GAZ Chaika. They made
just 144 of these every year,

492
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,360
and not one of them ever made
it in the hands of the proletariat.

493
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,560
These were for high-ranking
officials.

494
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:38,360
Well, ha, you know the KGB
used these?

495
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:41,200
Except theirs had
more powerful engines.

496
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,960
You should see the amount
of space back here.

497
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,160
You could chop up 30 dissidents
in the back of here.

498
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,800
'But despite all these plus points,
the Chaika isn't a good car.'

499
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,000
LOUD CLUNK
Was that a gear change? It was.

500
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,960
Is there a man in the gearbox
with a sledgehammer?

501
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,000
That's what it feels like.
That's unbelievable.

502
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,440
How is the steering - precise?
Yeah... No.

503
00:34:13,240 --> 00:34:15,400
Don't do that. I'm doing 20mph.

504
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:17,760
How can I shoot you
if I can't sit still?

505
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,280
Top speed? 99mph.

506
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:24,640
So it can't even do 100? No.

507
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,360
With a 5.5 litre V8?! Quite.

508
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,800
I suspect this is as far
as we go, Mr Clarkson.

509
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:38,360
You're going to have to turn
it round. That's going to take
the rest of our lives. Oh, BEEP!

510
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:40,840
It's disappeared into
the bloody dashboard!

511
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:42,400
THEY LAUGH

512
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,600
I'm going to grab this camera
so you can actually see
what has happened here.

513
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,400
These are the buttons
that change the gears.

514
00:34:50,240 --> 00:34:51,640
That's park, that's backwards
and that was forwards.

515
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:54,400
I promise you, I merely pressed it
and my finger just...

516
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,400
THEY LAUGH

517
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,440
'So they couldn't make
a decent luxury car either.

518
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:04,600
'But one about the other end of
the scale? Rugged simplicity.

519
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:07,800
'Surely this is good
Commie territory.'

520
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:11,360
It does seem to have been built
on relatively sensible principles.

521
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,400
It does seem to have been built
on relatively sensible principles.

522
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,400
Add weight and simplify.

523
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,360
'What's more, it had coiled springs

524
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,280
'- not the RSJs
you got in Land Rovers

525
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,680
'of the time - so it
was surprisingly comfortable.'

526
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,160
I once drove one of these down
a very heavily rutted track
at 50mph

527
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:41,680
and I was able to use
the cigarette lighter

528
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,000
because it was so smooth to light
a cigarette. It was that smooth.

529
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,760
I'd actually quite like to
demonstrate that for you now
but, unfortunately,

530
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:52,360
we don't live in a free country.

531
00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:01,040
'We ploughed on through the field
and things looked promising.'

532
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:04,720
'But then...'

533
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,240
Oh, give up. We are in Berkshire
and it's been completely defeated.

534
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,080
If this comes out, I can stand
up like Rommel and guide you.

535
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:19,960
Argh!

536
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:21,960
We don't need that. Right.

537
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:23,960
Forwards, slowly.

538
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:30,320
Argh, no, no, no, no!

539
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:35,800
'In the end, we were pulled free by-
a decadent capitalist Land Rover.

540
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,320
'But we were reluctant to give up
on our little Niva.'

541
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,280
And it is quite a rugged,
personable little thing.

542
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:49,320
It is, actually. It is. It's the
sort of car you can give it a name.

543
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:52,400
It's got one - Niva.

544
00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:55,720
Do you think we've actually found
the Communist car that we like?

545
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:03,520
No!

546
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:05,640
THEY LAUGH

547
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,280
Shall we get the train?

548
00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:14,920
Simple message.

549
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:19,480
Don't buy a Chinese car until China-
renounces Communisticalness.

550
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:21,720
You pair of idiots.

551
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:23,600
Did it, what - slip your mind?

552
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,520
These three cars - Maserati,
Lamborghini, Ferrari.

553
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,200
All three built within 30 miles
of the Italian city Bologna which,

554
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:34,720
for 50 years and until nine
years ago, was run by
the Italian Communist Party.

555
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,520
Which means that actual Ferrari
was built by Communists.

556
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:41,960
I'm glad he brought that up

557
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,040
because London used to be
a communist city but now,

558
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,760
thanks to my guest,
it isn't any more.

559
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,600
Ladies and gentlemen, please...
You do this, my voice...

560
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:56,000
Go, quickly!

561
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,200
Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Johnson!

562
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:05,280
How are you? Very well. Have a seat.

563
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:07,760
Thank you, Jeremy.

564
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:11,200
What's this? Is that for me?

565
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:14,160
It's my urine sample.

566
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:16,560
I'm very startled. What's that?

567
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:20,360
How can you be a journalist
and politician and still be loved?

568
00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:22,720
Most people still love Boris!

569
00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:27,240
I resent... I think I'd resist
your analysis there.

570
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:34,160
What you find is that people
are far from loving - shout all
sorts of hostile things. Who shouts

571
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,640
I was watching your programme
and someone was saying

572
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,880
I was a faffing around in trying
to remove the bendy buses.

573
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:43,800
Let's get straight... Yeah,
let's get straight to it.

574
00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:47,360
How long have you been mayor
of London for? Eight months.

575
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:51,320
You said before you were mayor,
"I will get rid of the bendy
buses."

576
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:53,800
And I will. This Friday...
Burn them.

577
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,320
..I am told that we are
announcing the removal of

578
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,560
the bendy bus from
three routes, 80 buses.

579
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,480
You are talking
but I'm hearing music!

580
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,600
When's this happening?

581
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,440
They will be off by 2010.

582
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,040
For God's sake!
You are a very hard man to please.

583
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:16,160
A very hard man!

584
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:19,960
Anybody would think you were some
kind of crazed petrolhead.

585
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:22,480
LAUGHTER

586
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:25,280
I'm looking at what you've done,
or your initiatives, since you came

587
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:28,880
in here and it is extraordinary how-
I disagree with almost all of them.

588
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:32,440
LAUGHTER
Like not drinking on the tube.

589
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,440
I'm 48 years old and if I want
a refreshing pint on the tube...

590
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,480
A 44-year-old man can't tell me
not to. Well, listen...

591
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:47,120
Am I allowed to have a drink on the-
tube? No, you're not. Here's why.

592
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:52,120
There are people who drink on
the tube with a six packs of beer
who loll around swearing

593
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,800
and cursing who offer aggression
towards their fellow passengers.

594
00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:00,720
And I think that removing that
possibility actually makes
the tube friendlier.

595
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:05,000
Although I have to admit, it was
rather wonderful that thousands

596
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:09,400
of people had a party,
hurling execration at my name...

597
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:16,280
Over that? Over that. It took
Margaret Thatcher ten years
to achieve that level

598
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,800
of unpopularity with
the youth of society.

599
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,600
I thought it was quite something
to have pulled it off
after only six weeks.

600
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:27,320
You are going to allow motorcycles
to travel in bus lanes.

601
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,080
From January there is going
to be a trial.

602
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,160
Because I think it would smooth,
smooth traffic flow,

603
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:35,760
provided those motorcyclists
remember that

604
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,720
they can't terrify vulnerable
road users such as cyclists.

605
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:42,560
What about bus drivers?

606
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:44,560
You cycle, have you not been
attacked by a bus driver?

607
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:47,760
You don't cycle?
No. Because I have a car.

608
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:50,600
Talk to the little one...
Hammond? Yes!

609
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:54,880
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

610
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,200
He...
He knows what he's talking about.

611
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,200
I remember watching your show
where he beat you hollow around
London on his bike.

612
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:06,800
You were going by speedboat,
he was far quicker than you.

613
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:12,920
He will confirm that bus drivers
are, in fact, extremely considerate.

614
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:17,680
What he actually says is they
are a load of murdering BEEP!

615
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,080
I speak from experience.

616
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:22,560
They look at their mirrors,
they know where you are

617
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,280
and by comparison with HGV drivers,-
they are extremely good.

618
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:27,920
No, I won't have that.

619
00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,040
MUTTERING IN CROWD

620
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:32,640
Who thinks lorry drivers...

621
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:35,120
I'm a big fan of lorry drivers...

622
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:37,720
Well, I...!

623
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:39,720
Who thinks lorry drivers
are better than bus drivers?

624
00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,640
Before I needlessly throw away the
lorry driver vote... You just have!

625
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:45,320
I just want to say
that they are not all bad...

626
00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,320
LAUGHTER

627
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,160
But they need to look in their
mirrors. Let's move it on.

628
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:54,240
If I may.

629
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:56,640
You were the motoring
correspondent of GQ magazine.

630
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:01,160
Yes. Do you know...
Where's this going?

631
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:06,640
Do you know how much you
built up in parking tickets
on those cars that you tested?

632
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:09,840
I can tell you something, I jolly
well paid them because... Now.

633
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:13,080
Your publisher argues with that.

634
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,560
LAUGHTER

635
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:18,880
There were two phases
in our relationship.

636
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,240
There was the phase where they paid-
for the parking tickets and...

637
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:23,640
Do you know how much the phase
cost them

638
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,760
when they were paying for them? No.-
£4,500.

639
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:29,480
CROWD GROANS

640
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:31,960
So they may claim now!

641
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,320
While we're on the subject of this,-
there's a photograph -

642
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:39,320
we brought this up on
the programme a few weeks ago -

643
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:41,720
this is a message from you on
the back of one of the lovely buses.

644
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,880
Changing gears at lower revs
reduces your C02 emissions
and saves you money.

645
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,960
Very good. You've put that up.
Absolutely right.

646
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:51,960
Let me draw your attention to
something you wrote in GQ magazine.

647
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:59,280
"The essence of it is, in my view,
not to change up until you
hit about 6,000rpm."

648
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:06,120
In the case of the Ferrari 430...
LAUGHTER

649
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,720
..which I was...
I admit I was driving.

650
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:13,560
It may very well be that that
was the cleanest, greenest,

651
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:18,720
most fuel-efficient way...
of changing gear!

652
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,520
On your very track the other day,
I was introduced to this wonderful

653
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,880
electric car by the proprietor
of this Dunsfold track. Yes.

654
00:43:31,720 --> 00:43:33,360
And we've all got to go electric.

655
00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:37,520
1p a mile. Where does
the power come from, Boris?

656
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:40,480
It comes from the plug.

657
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:43,440
In fact, I'll tell you something...

658
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:46,320
LAUGHTER

659
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:48,920
You...

660
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:54,280
..I make this prophecy,
Jeremy, that
the gear is going to be obsolete

661
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:58,080
and your programme will have
to change its name to Top Plug.

662
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:02,640
Can I just talk about the Olympics?

663
00:44:03,240 --> 00:44:04,520
I know this is off topic.

664
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:08,000
We are going to make
a mess of it, aren't we?

665
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:10,600
No. It's going to be fantastic.
We're going to ruin it. No.

666
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,720
We're going to do it brilliantly
but in our own particular,
ingenious...British way.

667
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,480
LAUGHTER

668
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:20,080
I just have this vision
of the opening ceremony

669
00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:24,600
and there'll be one council house
in the middle of it and
a bloke going, "I'm not moving!"

670
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:27,440
You know in Beijing when it closed,

671
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,080
you were there of course,
the British...

672
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:34,360
handing over ceremony, there was
a bus and a girl from the X Factor.

673
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:37,560
People would have thought,
"Great country."

674
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:43,200
Instead of going,
"That looks like BEEP."

675
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:46,640
People loved it with that thing
with Beckham kicking a football.

676
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:50,080
No, Jimmy Page, Led Zeppelin,
I'm very fond of that.

677
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:54,480
But Jimmy Page standing out
the back of a burning Jaguar,
power-sliding round.

678
00:44:56,440 --> 00:45:00,600
Fantastic. Perhaps we should
commission some of your ideas for
the opening ceremony.

679
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:03,080
Let's do that, can we do that?!

680
00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:07,040
I'll ring Jimmy Page immediately.

681
00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:08,640
APPLAUSE

682
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,880
The lap was, pouring with rain. It
didn't go quite as smoothly as
perhaps you'd hoped.

683
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:19,040
Most people, as you know, spin off
on the second to last corner.

684
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:23,480
Boris decided he was going to
spin of on every single corner.

685
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:25,000
LAUGHTER

686
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:27,600
Who'd like to see Boris's
practices?

687
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:29,240
AUDIENCE: Yes!

688
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:33,160
Shall we have a look at some?
Second to last corner, there's the
traditional spot for going off.

689
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,200
Here we are on the final corner...
Here we go again.

690
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:42,600
Here we are on the actual
pass the tyres was there.

691
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:50,480
The problem is,
Boris, you can't turn left.

692
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:52,960
Wait - you go right here and...

693
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,240
First person ever to go off on the
follow-through.

694
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,720
Well done, Boris.

695
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:09,200
The atmospheric conditions
were challenging.
It was your fault.

696
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:15,120
If you believe that cars cause
global warming, get a Range
Rover and it will warm it up.

697
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:19,200
Anyway, you did eventually

698
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:21,440
complete a lap.
Who'd like to see that?

699
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:23,120
AUDIENCE: Yes!

700
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:26,800
Let's have a look at Boris's
lap here. It really is wet,
isn't it?

701
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:35,080
There's a determined-looking man
behind the wheel there.

702
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,520
That's soaking wet.

703
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:41,480
Trinny and Susannah wet.

704
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:43,760
Looking smooth.

705
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:45,360
HE MUMBLES

706
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:47,600
Talking in Greek.

707
00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:51,960
HE MUMBLES

708
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:56,800
More funny noises.
And into the hammer head.

709
00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:58,960
you are in the lines or not.

710
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:05,040
Yes, no, actually, well done.
Sounding patronising, I apologise.
This is good coming out.

711
00:47:06,720 --> 00:47:07,880
No, hit the rev limit.

712
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,800
Happy, were we, with our gear
change?

713
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:19,840
That's lovely. Watch out for
the rubber tyres. The rubber tyres.-
Yes, missed those. Come on, Boris.

714
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:22,680
You've slowed.

715
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:24,800
Come on, faster, faster.

716
00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:27,040
It's a gamble.

717
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:30,840
A bit wide but well held. There we
are, across the line.

718
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,600
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

719
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:44,120
To be brutally honest,
in conditions such as those
you aren't really realistically...

720
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,040
Keith Allen would be our fastest
very wet lap on 1.51.

721
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,840
There is no point hoping for that.

722
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,440
No. I've no idea how fast it was.

723
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,920
Did it feel...
I thought it was pretty good.

724
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,880
Pretty sluggish. You think so? Yeah.

725
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,360
You did it in 1...

726
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:06,800
Which in itself in conditions
like that... I like that word.

727
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:09,800
Would you like to stop
the interview there. Yeah.

728
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:15,520
Good idea, because the
next bit is a 50... 57.4.

729
00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:18,760
Which puts you... And give him
a round of applause...

730
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:30,080
I'm off the bottom. Now I look
at it, it's catastrophically bad.

731
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:31,960
LAUGHTER

732
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:36,760
There's no other word. It's the
slowest very wet. No, it's the same-
as Fiona Bruce. I feel proud.

733
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,960
Very proud, and it's been
marvellous having you here, Boris.

734
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,400
Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Johnson.

735
00:48:45,360 --> 00:48:47,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

736
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:57,040
Every week on Top Gear we get
a stack of letters. But this week,
one in particular caught our eye.

737
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:03,520
It's from a Mr Needham and it says,-
"Why do not test cars properly any
more, have you forgotten how?"

738
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:08,760
This really hurt us so we decided
to take the new Ford Fiesta and do

739
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:12,800
a proper road test, like they used
to do on Top Gear in the old days.

740
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:18,200
We were quite looking forward to it-
but at the very last minute, Jeremy-
came in and said he wanted to do it.

741
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:28,360
Right. There's the car in
question, the new Fiesta.

742
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:33,840
What I thought I'd do is break
the road test down into segments.
Hopefully, cover all the bases.

743
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:47,960
Behind the extremely pretty body,
I'm sorry to report there are
one or two small problems.

744
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:53,120
The back seats, for
instance, do not fold flat.

745
00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:56,680
Other cars in this price range
do have bigger boots.

746
00:49:58,400 --> 00:50:02,320
However, despite this, there
is still room in the boot
for a zebra's head.

747
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,760
Pop the neck in first.

748
00:50:06,720 --> 00:50:08,720
There we are. So if you're
a sort of Mafia game ranger,

749
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:10,960
that goes very nicely.

750
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:17,040
Then, in the back seat, there's
room for the traditional
2.2 children.

751
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:28,440
I should say so. This new car maybe-
the biggest Fiesta yet,

752
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:32,440
but it's a whopping 40 kilograms
lighter than the last model.

753
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:35,200
That'll help at the pumps.

754
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:43,200
There's even a 1.6 litre diesel
model called the Econetic,
which produces such a small amount

755
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,920
of carbon dioxide you pay
no road tax on it at all.

756
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:52,640
I wouldn't bother with that
particular model though, because
it'll almost certainly be sh...

757
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:02,320
Ever since the Ford Focus came
along in 1998, or whenever it was,

758
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:10,600
all Fords have had a driving feel
that you just don't get in other
cars of the same size or price.

759
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:15,720
This is no different.

760
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:19,320
Here, as I go through the
hammerhead, for example,

761
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:25,960
I can feel that it has a sort of
Volkswagen feel of solidity
and a Lotus feel of sportiness.

762
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:29,320
Rare to get that combination.

763
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:39,640
The steering has a linear response,-
understeer well taken,
no tread shuffle.

764
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:51,280
It feels fabulous.
And if you go for the 1.6 litre

765
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:56,400
TV CT engine that I have in this
test car, it's pretty fast as well.

766
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:00,680
Certainly, it will
easily do 70mph,
which is what I'm doing now.

767
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:04,280
That's the maximum speed that you
can go in Britain, so that's good.

768
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,640
Is this thorough enough for you,
Mr Needham? I hope so because
it's going well.

769
00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:22,960
Hopefully not. Apart from the
fact it's made by Germans, most of
the equipment on this car has been

770
00:52:24,160 --> 00:52:28,200
fitted to other Fords for years
and we've heard no horror stories.

771
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:36,560
There's an entry-level version,
which has no equipment on it at all-
so there's nothing to go wrong.

772
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,360
Do you want that one, though -
really, honestly, a basic model?

773
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:44,200
I bet that's also sh...

774
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:55,080
Of course it's easy to park. It's
got windows, a steering wheel.

775
00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:58,560
There we are.

776
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:00,200
Next.

777
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:14,240
This can happen.

778
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,400
Oh, and it just has. Here we go!

779
00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:30,880
Good grip. Power...

780
00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:37,200
I am now
breaking the speed limit indoors.

781
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:40,520
He's right on my tail.

782
00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:43,960
This is where
front-wheel-drive comes in.

783
00:53:46,240 --> 00:53:47,400
Round the palm-tree, there we go.

784
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:53,880
He's taken out Costa Coffee.

785
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:58,280
The baddie has made the
classic baddie error.

786
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:00,880
He's got too much power.

787
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:03,720
I've got 120 horsepower in this.

788
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:06,800
You don't want any more
than that on marble.

789
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:14,480
The bears.

790
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:17,200
The handbrake.

791
00:54:19,600 --> 00:54:22,320
Does he have to hit
absolutely everything?

792
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:27,680
Steering is light,
turning circle is good.

793
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:33,560
I was once chased through
a shopping centre
in Putney, actually, by baddies.

794
00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:36,440
I had an original Mini and, I
must say, that was very good.

795
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:39,880
Just cut through
British Home Stores.

796
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:43,320
Dab on the handbrake
and there we go.

797
00:54:50,040 --> 00:54:50,600
Mmm...

798
00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:55,720
The Corvette is stuck
in British Home Stores. Turning
circle, not good enough.

799
00:55:04,720 --> 00:55:05,680
I'm getting away.

800
00:55:14,720 --> 00:55:16,920
Instruments are superb,
really sharp.

801
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:20,960
Handbrake!

802
00:55:23,040 --> 00:55:24,640
TYRES SCREECH

803
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:28,680
The headlamps are brilliant.
Excellent range on full beam.

804
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:33,720
Look at him.

805
00:55:34,480 --> 00:55:38,120
Look at him! He'll never follow me
if I go through here.

806
00:55:40,280 --> 00:55:42,040
Oh, he is doing!

807
00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:04,360
The upshot is that
after half-an-hour,

808
00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:09,040
I got out of the shopping centre
and the 'Vette didn't.

809
00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:25,440
Yes... Very.

810
00:56:35,120 --> 00:56:41,520
Well, prices start at around £8,500-
but you need £11,000 to get
a decent mid-range model.

811
00:56:42,720 --> 00:56:45,440
So if you have £11,000 to spend
on a car then, yes, you can.

812
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:46,800
But if you've only got 40p then,

813
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:04,960
The upshot is that
after half an hour,

814
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:09,200
I got out of the shopping centre
and the 'Vette didn't.

815
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:27,600
Yes. Very.

816
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:38,240
Well, prices start at around £8,500,

817
00:56:38,240 --> 00:56:42,360
but you need £11,000 to get
a decent mid-range model.

818
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:46,520
So if you have £11,000 to spend
on a car, then yes, you can.

819
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:54,000
But if you've only got 40p,
then no, you can't.

820
00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:06,800
Although it is quite large for
a supermini, very large, in fact,

821
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:12,120
it still fits
on the marines' LCV Mark 5
landing craft with room to spare.

822
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,760
Now, if you'll forgive me,
we are approaching the beach.

823
00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:21,560
The gunfire has started.
Lads, do you want to mount up?

824
00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:24,480
HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR

825
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,760
GUNFIRE

826
00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,800
That gunfire can be
quite loud, can't it?

827
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,600
If you get that door shut...
You can barely hear it now.

828
00:57:34,400 --> 00:57:35,920
GUNFIRE

829
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:42,800
Look at that! The smoke grenades
fit perfectly in the cup holders.

830
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:49,960
How much ammo can you get
in the glove box? Just two mags?

831
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:54,480
The windscreen is heated,
but not bullet-proof.

832
00:57:57,480 --> 00:57:59,560
Stand by the beach!

833
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,320
You cold? Yeah, I am, actually.

834
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,600
HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR

835
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:13,680
SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE

836
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:36,560
SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE
Let's go! Come on!

837
00:58:36,560 --> 00:58:38,680
Come on, Fiesta!

838
00:58:40,680 --> 00:58:44,120
That's a lot deeper than I thought!

839
00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:46,880
Look at this
for a beach assault craft!

840
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:50,600
You've got a bit
of water coming in there.

841
00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,120
Come on! Are we there yet?

842
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:57,720
You kids are being annoying.
Shoot them!

843
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,880
SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE

844
00:58:59,880 --> 00:59:01,720
Where am I going, boys?

845
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:14,880
Do you want to shoot from in here?
Would that be more comfortable?

846
00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:19,120
It's got electric windows.
I'll just put...

847
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:23,240
GUNFIRE

848
00:59:23,240 --> 00:59:26,880
Go, go, go! Shoot the enemy
in the middle of its face!

849
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:34,120
Carry on, there's a plucky chap!
Well done.

850
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:38,400
These carpets are excellent.

851
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:40,720
No evidence at all
of the marines' muddy boots.

852
00:59:45,640 --> 00:59:47,480
So, there you are, Mr Needham.

853
00:59:49,200 --> 00:59:54,680
The most thorough test of a car ever
undertaken on British television.

854
00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:58,120
The Fiesta's come through
with flying colours.

855
00:59:58,120 --> 00:59:59,720
Drive safely.

856
01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:03,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

857
01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:10,080
Absolutely thorough. Well done.
Foot on the bonnet
at the end, traditional.

858
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:11,880
Jumper...all of it.

859
01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:14,760
Anyway, that's all we've got
time for this week.

860
01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:19,280
Next week, for reasons we don't
understand, we're on at 9pm.

861
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:24,720
We'll see you then, unless you're
watching this on Dave. In February.
in the middle of the afternoon.

862
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,840
In which case, we hope
you get a job soon.

863
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:29,760
Take care. See you soon. Bye.

864
01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:34,360
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

865
01:00:34,360 --> 01:00:37,360
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk