1 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,560 Tonight - we shout at the Government, 2 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:19,000 a man drives a Subaru through a building... 3 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,400 and a dog goes in a car. 4 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,360 Hello! 5 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,000 Hello! Thanks, guys. Thank you. 6 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,000 Thanks very much. 7 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,120 Thank you. Now... 8 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,520 Now, as we know, as we know... 9 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:46,320 nothing in life is very good and appalling at the same time... 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,400 apart from the Jeremy Kyle Show... 11 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,040 ..and Manchester United. 12 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,080 And all of Burt Reynolds' films. 13 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,880 And actually, now there's a car as well. 14 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:11,360 This is the latest creation from the skunk works inside AMG - 15 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:15,560 the Mercedes SL65 Black. 16 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,080 Good looking, isn't it? 17 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:21,040 In a Jean-Claude I'm-going-to-kick-you-in-the-face sort of way. 18 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,200 Certainly, with those massively flared arches and all that ducting, 19 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,240 it looks like it might be pretty fast. 20 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,120 But it isn't. 21 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,240 It's mind boggling. 22 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:42,040 I have 660 horsepower at the disposal of my right foot. 23 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,800 That's 50 more than you get from a Ferrari 599. 24 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:50,840 Then there's the torque. 25 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,120 740 foot pounds. 26 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,000 That's 300 more than you get from a 599. 27 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:06,960 Of course, to protect the environment and other road users, the top speed is limited... 28 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,440 to 199mph. 29 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:24,560 The engine that produces this almighty oomph is enormous - 30 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,960 a 6-litre twin turbo V12. 31 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:32,240 But the rest of the car is quite simple. 32 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,320 The brakes are steel, not carbon ceramic. 33 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:39,240 The gearbox only has five speeds, not the usual seven. 34 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:44,320 The traction control has two settings - on or off. 35 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:50,080 It even comes with run-of-the-mill suspension. 36 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:54,160 The steering in this is a bit woolly... No, not woolly, 37 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:55,600 more sort of nylon, 38 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:59,880 but because Mercedes has thrown away the silly electronic suspension, 39 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:04,160 gone back to a conventional set-up, it's very predictable. 40 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,440 In many ways, then, this is like an American muscle car - 41 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:18,200 fast, simple and, in some ways, quite cheap. 42 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:27,480 It costs £250,000 and, yes, I know that sounds like a lot, 43 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,560 but it's £100,000 less than the McLaren Mercedes. 44 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,640 And is the McLaren £100,000 faster? 45 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,440 Well, let's find out. 46 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,440 ENGINES ROAR 47 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,160 God, that McLaren sounds dirty. 48 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:49,960 If my children made a noise like that, I'd make them sit on the naughty step. 49 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:56,520 I reckon, in a straight line, Mr McLaren IS faster. 50 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:03,960 Not by £100,000, but in the corners... 51 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,840 Hm-hm-hmm! 52 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,120 Smoke coming off the back end! 53 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,760 Ten more horsepower, I reckon, ten more, and I'd have him. 54 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:23,000 But the best thing about the Black 55 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:30,120 is that, despite performance and the anabolic "look at me!" wheel arch extensions, 56 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:35,200 it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control 57 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,680 and iPod compatibility. 58 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,400 I've even got an automatic gearbox. 59 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,640 All good so far, then. 60 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,160 But it doesn't last. 61 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:52,480 First of all, it is THE most uncomfortable car in all of human history. 62 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,760 There is no give at all in the tyre side wall. 63 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,720 There is no give, either, in the suspension. Look. 64 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,800 And look at these seats. One-piece carbon fibre 65 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,440 from the Mercedes Agony range! 66 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:10,360 You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback. 67 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:14,640 I can't imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration. 68 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,120 No, hang on a minute! 69 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,200 I can imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration. 70 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,760 Look! A pile of stones. 71 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:24,760 This is almost identical to the SL Black. 72 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,400 I'll just try it out. 73 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,960 Oh, hang on. 74 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,880 Hmm. Yeah. 75 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:40,320 Yeah, I would rather go to work on a cairn than in an SL Black. 76 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,280 A cairn would be faster, too. 77 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,680 The problem is, is that there's so much torque 78 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:52,840 that if you pull out to overtake a lorry and put your foot down, 79 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,320 the traction control comes down like an anvil 80 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,120 and you're not going anywhere. 81 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,480 Of course, you can turn the traction control off. 82 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,800 But don't forget - 83 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:08,040 those back tyres cost £358 each. 84 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,880 Really, the only way you can drive this car, 85 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,240 even when the road is dry, is slowly. 86 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,360 And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point. 87 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,640 Then there's the rear spoiler which comes up at 75mph. 88 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,920 So if it's up, you're speeding... and some policemen will come. 89 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,160 There are other niggles, too, 90 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,720 like the fact it's out of fuel after 250 miles, 91 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,600 and it has the turning circle of a moon. 92 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,120 Look at this. 93 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,440 A normal SL can get round here no problem at at... 94 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,560 whereas the Black...can't. 95 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,080 That means you're going to run off the road 96 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,800 and damage that low-riding air-splitter. 97 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,560 And I haven't even got to the worst bit yet. 98 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,240 In a normal SL, which can turn round 99 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,640 and run up kerbs without breaking your back, or itself, 100 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,600 and go more than six feet without running out of petrol, 101 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,520 you have a roof which folds away into the boot. 102 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:27,520 In an SL Black, to save weight, the roof doesn't go anywhere. 103 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,280 And then we have to go back to the price. 104 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,800 Yes, the Black is good value compared to the McLaren. 105 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:39,800 But it's five times more than its little sister, 106 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,720 and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it. 107 00:07:55,040 --> 00:08:00,760 Superb, sublime, brilliant, super-exciting rubbish! 108 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,920 But... It is! 109 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:08,040 Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK? Yeah. 110 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:13,840 So that means they need to find eight people in Great Britain with more money than sense? Yeah. 111 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,440 So who does this one belong to? Theo Walcott. 112 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,800 Go on, then. Now where are you going? 113 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:24,520 Anything I say now is going to be libellous, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what we'll do. 114 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,440 We'll find out how fast this goes round our track. 115 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,680 That means handing it over to our tame racing driver. 116 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:35,320 Some say that he thinks crisps are animals... 117 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,840 ..and that if he'd done well at Wimbledon once in a while, 118 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,680 he might have been able to raise a smile. 119 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,440 All we know is, he's called the Stig. 120 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,480 Away he goes! 121 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:56,000 Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses. 122 00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,280 Into the first corner. Can't help thinking this is going to be a handful. 123 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,400 Oh, yes, it is. 124 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,760 Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish. 125 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,000 He loves to Strip The Willow 126 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,560 with all those other Stigs that the Daily Mail's invented. 127 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,760 Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead... 128 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,640 Lord alone knows what's going to happen here. 129 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,920 Under-steer...over-steer... Under-steer then over-steer again. 130 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,400 Every sort of steer, and all happening practically at the same time. 131 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:36,200 Is that bagpipes or is it the sound of someone deflating a cat? 132 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,600 Through the tyres - very, very fast. 133 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,440 Now he comes in to the second-to-last corner, 134 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:48,760 holding it nicely. Just Gambon left. Seems to be juddering through that. 135 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:49,960 Across the line! 136 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,040 I have the time in my hand. 137 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,920 It did it... 138 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:03,680 It did it in one minute 23 dead, 139 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,560 so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago, 140 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,760 it's faster than the original Zonda, faster than the original Koenigsegg, 141 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,760 which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now... 142 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,280 faster than it. 143 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:24,360 And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroen, they've made a new C3. 144 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,080 Here it is. And, well, it's a Citroen. 145 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:33,720 It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word. 146 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:38,040 Word?! They've put it in their publicity material, and it's "visiodrive". 147 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:42,880 They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive. 148 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,240 I'm sort of sympathetic. Why? 149 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,960 Because none of the words you'd normally use to describe a Citroen 150 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:55,280 would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy. Plasticky. Lightweight. 151 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,760 Anybody else got any thoughts on Citroens? 152 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:03,240 Box on wheels. What? Box on wheels. That's not very good. That was terrible. 153 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,400 Anyway, the point is that if you want a car that is Visiodrive, that's your only choice, 154 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,040 even if you are the Sultan of Brunei. 155 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,080 Now, pay attention. OK? 156 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:21,440 As men, we all know you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? 157 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,000 We know that. Yeah. I did. What? 158 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,280 I did! 159 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:30,640 You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? Yeah. I got her a power drill. 160 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,040 James! James, she's a ballet correspondent. 161 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:37,880 That's what she wanted. She said, "I want a power drill," so I got her one. She SAID that! 162 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:43,360 Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap. No... They do. 163 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:48,400 But it's impossible to buy soap for a woman. Eh? Hang on. No, soap's soap. You can't... 164 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:52,400 Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap! But it is. 165 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,560 Go on, then. Buy your wife some Swarfega. Well, that's... 166 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:59,840 That's an effective cleaning agent. She'd be chuffed, I'm sure. 167 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,120 However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl, 168 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:09,920 is a handbag. That's bad. Even if, by some miracle, you got the right colour, it'd be the wrong shape, 169 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,200 it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag. 170 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,040 Is there a season for handbags? 171 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,560 Did you hear him? 172 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,840 Is...? Oh, yes! 173 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,320 What, at certain times of the year, I can shoot handbags? Yes. OK. 174 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,440 No. The fact is, OK, 175 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,880 my wife has a handbag - I kid you not - it is this big, OK? 176 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:35,080 And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! 177 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,800 "Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it." 178 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,040 "I can't see it!" The point is, 179 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,800 salvation is at hand, OK? 180 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,120 New type of handbag out this week. Here it is. 181 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:51,000 Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats. 182 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,280 What? Yeah... 183 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,040 And it says in the bumph... and I'm going to quote, OK? 184 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,960 "Try to picture your lady friend grasping it tightly 185 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,320 "and the next vintage car show you both attend." Ohhhh! 186 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:06,680 So this is made from seat cloth of a Classic Camaro? Yes. 187 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,560 So that's had a Texan's sweaty buttocks on it? Yes. 188 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:15,120 And now it's a handbag. On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks... NO! No! 189 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,280 Hey! What? 190 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,400 My bull mastiff keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle. 191 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:25,440 Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think 192 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:30,360 I've worked out what the results of that coupling would look like. Here it is. 193 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,400 Is that a motorcycle and sidecar? 194 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,920 Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL. 195 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,160 The man behind this is a French medical technician. 196 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:47,440 Did he not, at any point whilst building it, just take one step back? 197 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,440 "Agh! It's horrible!" 198 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:53,960 If you know of anything uglier than that, you should write to us at 199 00:13:53,960 --> 00:14:00,160 "I live next door to David Guest", Top Gear... LAUGHTER 200 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,280 Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on. 201 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,680 On Tuesday, or it might have been Monday, the Government announced 202 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:09,320 what it called a level 2 heat wave alert, OK?, 203 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:13,360 for what we used to call a lovely summer's day. 204 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,760 Actually, we quite like a good heat wave here on Top Gear, 205 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:21,200 because it means we can play Car Sauna. It's really very simple. 206 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:26,240 You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up, 207 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,800 turn the heater to maximum, and the first person to get out is the loser. 208 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,520 You think he's making that up, don't you? 209 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,600 Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up, 210 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,000 this is what we got up to. 211 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,480 It's now 37.8 degrees in here, as you can see, 212 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,120 before the test begins. 213 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,120 Let's just make it fair, OK? 214 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,040 Whichever one gets out first pays the other a tenner. 215 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:57,320 Coming up to four minutes. Temperature check, please. 216 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,600 Oh, yes. It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now. 217 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,400 Can you see my face? 218 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,600 Can you see my face now? I'm not sure they'll want to. 219 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,920 Given that we are made of... What percentage of us is water? 220 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,360 98%. Or less. 221 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:16,720 Water that then evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other... 222 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:22,000 Agh! Agh! You're breathing my chest! Agh! Agh! 223 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,520 59.7 degrees. 224 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,080 This is a stupid game. 225 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,320 I've changed my mind. 226 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,440 61.9 degrees. 227 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,640 Guys... 228 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:48,960 Oh, come on. 229 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,760 You owe us £10 each! 230 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,920 A good idea. 231 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,480 Gordon... 232 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,400 Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, 233 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,480 if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts... 234 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:17,680 What was it we got up to? 62. 62. ..62 degrees is your bottom... 235 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,800 It gets a bit toasty. Uncomfortable. Yeah. About there. 236 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,640 Gordon, they're something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is, 237 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,240 I KNOW when I'm too hot. 238 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:34,400 I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water 239 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,920 and put sun cream on. 240 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,280 Leave us alone! 241 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,160 Anyway... 242 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,800 Guys... 243 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,760 You'll have to split it. I've only got a 20. 244 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:56,240 Don't worry. I'll put it on expenses(!) 245 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,640 Now, the recession. 246 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:03,080 We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back 247 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:07,080 and now no-one can afford anything. Yes. And this begs a question. 248 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:12,680 In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful? 249 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,920 No! 250 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,040 I mean, when have you ever heard anyone say, 251 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,840 "Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?" 252 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,280 "I could have had an expensive heart operation 253 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,240 "but I decided to go for one that was cheap and cheerful!" 254 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,760 This Perodua Myvi suffers from the same problem. 255 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:43,720 It costs £7,600, so it is cheap, but is it cheerful? No. 256 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,840 Brakes are rubbish. 257 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,600 Ride's rubbish. 258 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,360 Seats are rubbish. 259 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,800 That's rubbish. 260 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:59,440 Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes. 261 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,640 This is a car you drive with a long face. 262 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,320 Still, could be worse. 263 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,760 You could be in a Chevrolet Aveo. 264 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:18,400 I like a basic, underpowered car, I think they can be fantastic fun, 265 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:22,240 so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull. 266 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,800 The steering is meaningless, the pedals feel mushy, 267 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,040 the seats are flat. 268 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,360 The gear change is out of a... 269 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,680 I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier. 270 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,280 No. That's not fair on the Cavalier. 271 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:43,440 And the cost of all this misery? £8,500. 272 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,360 The only reason you would buy this car 273 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,520 is not because it's cheap, because it's not that cheap, 274 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,680 it would be because you hadn't tried any others. 275 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:58,240 I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo. 276 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:02,160 It's actually not so bad when you're moving. 277 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,760 That's not cos it's in any way fun to drive - it isn't. The gear change is awful, 278 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:11,000 the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it, 279 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,880 at least you're obliged to look ahead, out of the cabin. 280 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:20,040 Only when you stop do you think, "I'm sure I saw a nice surround on that air vent! I'll just adjust... 281 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,360 "Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this! 282 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,200 "Ugh! That's not metal, either." 283 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:32,760 At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three, 284 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,680 but you do get some unique features. 285 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:41,840 The wing mirrors have been made using fairground hall-of-mirrors glass, 286 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,280 so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl. 287 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,560 So that's either a bus, now it's skip and now it's a big clown... 288 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,200 Soon, we all met up 289 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:56,560 and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features. 290 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,920 Now, it's a sunny day. Put the visor down. 291 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,680 Ha! You can't see a thing! 292 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,480 You can't make the seat go down? You can a bit, but you have to open the door. 293 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:11,240 So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door? Yeah. 294 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:15,080 Look. They've managed to make Allen-headed bolts out of plastic. 295 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,840 Cos I believe.. 296 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,760 That's a disappointment. That's wrong! 297 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,600 Talking of fake, look at this. 298 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,080 Ooh! That's not a real alloy. 299 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,000 Are these fake, as well? Yes, they are. So fake wheel nuts? 300 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:34,160 A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin. 301 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,600 Now... This is it. 302 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:39,960 We'd chosen as our meeting point London's financial district, 303 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,360 so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there, 304 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,000 to introduce all the passing bankers and money men 305 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,160 to the motoring world they'd created. 306 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,320 What have you got now? XJR. An XJR? 307 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,880 And you've got a...? BMW M3. M3? 308 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,160 BMW X5. X5? 309 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,200 So, welcome to the future. Your future. 310 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,400 I'm not sure this is the right car for me. It's the ONLY car for you. 311 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,920 You'd better get used to it. 312 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,720 Lavishly equipped with doors. 313 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:13,240 I'm not sure it's going to do the acceleration that the M3 does. It doesn't. I can assure you! 314 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:18,120 You've been lending money to Mexicans who haven't got enough to pay you back, haven't you? 315 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,440 You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out. 316 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,440 That one any better? No. 317 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,040 Are all three terrible? Yes. 318 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,000 Do you have this every day going round? Yeah, it does. 319 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,600 Every day, constantly down? Yep. Thought about jumping out of a window? 320 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,160 It's a bit plasticky. A bit?! 321 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,000 What are you doing at work today? 322 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,000 We are looking into new markets in European gas. 323 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,920 That might not be a bad thing for you lot - just flip it down, 324 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,520 you wouldn't see the bridge coming up - everybody's happy. Have you noticed this? 325 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,480 I put that back on earlier. Thanks(!) 326 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,080 It just disintegrated while I was looking at it. 327 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,520 What's the 0-60? 328 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,320 Excuse me. Good news. What? 329 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:03,560 You know we're here? A distraction? See the crowds? Yeah. 330 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:08,120 That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money! 331 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,280 It's safe! We're providing a service to the nation. 332 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:17,840 And then, after we'd moved on, I came up with another service for the nation. 333 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,680 All the banks that go to the Government for OUR money, 334 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,080 to keep going, make them have, as company cars, 335 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:27,840 Perodua Myvis. 336 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:33,480 RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy". 337 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,640 Yeah, Fred Goodwin, you keep your pension. 338 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,320 Just one thing. 339 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,440 Your car. 340 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:46,120 Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems... 341 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,320 ..which is why we pulled over, decorated our cars a bit 342 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,920 and went to shout at the Government. 343 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,000 What do we want? ALL: Aston Martins! 344 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,880 When do we want them? ALL: Now! 345 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,160 V8 not G8! 346 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,560 Give us a Rolls-Royce Phantom now! 347 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:16,080 2, 4, 6, 8, Jacqui Smith's husband likes to mast... 348 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,320 I can't do that one. 349 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:22,760 Supercars not ministers... I'm not very good at this. 350 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,720 Mind you, compared to James... 351 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:29,800 Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks. 352 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:35,720 Although it's easy to make a case for state ownership of other industries, such as utilities. 353 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:42,400 Ker-ching! Hit the banks not our tanks! He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused. 354 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,960 Although, whilst we're at it, the Armed Forces are under-equipped for the job they have to do. 355 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,960 A policemen then came to tell us off. 356 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,520 Please don't hit me with your riot shield. 357 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:57,520 But it was quite hard to understand him. 358 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,480 What? 359 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,240 I think that policeman's quite cross. 360 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,160 In fact, he was so fed up that he told us to leave. 361 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,040 That's not gone well, our protest. 362 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,440 But we were fed up too... with our cars. 363 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,160 So we left them in a stupid place and went home on foot. 364 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,320 This tunnel handles better than my car 365 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,760 and the interior is a lot more welcoming. 366 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,400 It's a fact! 367 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:44,160 Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that, 368 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:48,800 because they said we'd deliberately just gone and chosen three cars that we didn't like. 369 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:54,720 Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there. 370 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,680 And that buyers need to be careful. 371 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,880 Exactly. Yeah. But they didn't buy that. 372 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,720 They said we had to go out and make that film again 373 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,400 and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like. 374 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,040 Yeah. And we'll be looking at that later on. 375 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,200 Now it is time to put a star in OUR Chevrolet. 376 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:16,120 Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track, 377 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:22,080 and yet, unbelievably, only three of them have ever been called Michael. 378 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,960 Well, don't worry - I can tell you're concerned - 379 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:32,200 because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre! 380 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,760 Jeremy Clarkson! How are you? Hello. Thank you, Top Gear. 381 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:54,760 Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you? 382 00:25:54,760 --> 00:26:00,400 I think it's like, "Put your hands together and pray that he's funny!" 383 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,960 I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice 384 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,880 as to how you should drive... I got endless advice. From everybody. 385 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,640 There was a woman at home... There's a woman at home?! She's my wife! 386 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,080 Yeah, my wife gave me advice. 387 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,960 The drycleaner told me to turn the air conditioning off in the car, because it makes it go faster. 388 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:27,640 The drycleaner is talking sense. The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake." 389 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:33,360 I think he didn't like me very much. He just said, "Don't brake!" 390 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:37,960 Let's have a look... Cos you have just boinged into the public consciousness. 391 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,680 Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls... 392 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,640 They've been queuing here all day. HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hi, girls. 393 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:51,960 It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty. 394 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,360 # Do-do-do-do... # 395 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,160 That's when my show starts. 396 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,520 What, after it goes, do-do-do-do? 397 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:01,280 I'm trying desperately to get on Casualty to publicise my show. 398 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,240 I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go, 399 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,960 "Watch my show afterwards." 400 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:11,800 That'd be ideal. Anyway, your early life. School, obviously. 401 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,360 University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did? 402 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,800 That is true, yes. 403 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:22,240 I did biology or chemistry. I've narrowed it down to two. 404 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,800 But you don't know which you did? 405 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,520 I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough? 406 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,800 How can you not remember what you did at university? 407 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:33,680 I remember being in the lab. I remember there was a lab... 408 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:38,760 I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life," 409 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:43,840 then they gave me a lab coat and huge specs. I realised the odds were against me. Was it a girl thing? 410 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:46,480 Um... University? Well, it didn't work. 411 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,440 If you did biology, it would've done. 412 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,400 My voice didn't break till I was about 23. 413 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,840 When you sound like your mother on the phone...Hello? 414 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,840 It's not Mummy, it's Michael. 415 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,480 I'll get Mummy for you. Mummy? Phone! 416 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,280 She'd come in... Hello? 417 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:06,000 I actually had hair under one arm for a year. That was an odd... 418 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:11,680 It was a difficult transition to manhood. 419 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:14,920 But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women. 420 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,160 Which was a...? 421 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,920 I got a Triumph Spitfire convertible. 422 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:24,080 I had it for about six months and I hit a... 423 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,240 a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit... 424 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,120 It's not like I was picking them! 425 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:34,160 And then the owner of the Volvo - it was outside his house - 426 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,600 he ran out and said... He was very angry. 427 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,240 He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!" 428 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:44,440 And I was so flustered and I'd been told if you get into a crash, don't admit responsibility, 429 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,920 so I just said, "Are you drunk?" 430 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,320 To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!" 431 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:55,600 So, what are you driving at the moment? 432 00:28:55,600 --> 00:29:01,120 At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. That's allowed. 433 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,360 They haven't banned it yet. They will, but they haven't yet. 434 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,720 I feel a bit guilty about the car that I got her. 435 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,080 You won't feel guilty, because I know you like these big cars. 436 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,240 I like all cars! Except for the three... 437 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:13,680 I got her an X5, 4x4 car. 438 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,640 I don't like that. Right. I do. A BMW X5. Yeah, I like it. 439 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,760 It's got seats and you go, "Urr-urr-urr-urr-uh" like that. 440 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,040 "Urr-urr!" 441 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,880 So it's got adjustable... I love that, though. 442 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,080 I've never had a car with that. "Urr..." 443 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:30,360 I try and drive in the most awkward positions. As far back... "Urr...urr!" 444 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,240 Another thing with the modern issue with the car 445 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,000 is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me. 446 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,120 It senses when the cars behind you... I love it. Exactly. 447 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,560 It goes green and red. "bup-bup-bpp-bpp-bb-bb-bb-BEEP!" 448 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,800 It screams, like there's a little person going, "Aaaaargh!" 449 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:54,560 It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!" 450 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,920 Why did you describe motorways as the "highway of life"? 451 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:03,880 Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars. 452 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:09,000 I had my wife's car after that - we shared that. That was the Mini, 453 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,560 Mini Mayfair. That's all right. Nice little car. 454 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,080 Then I had my Austin Metro Princess, 1.0. 455 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:20,520 It had no fuel gauge, which was a bit of an issue, because it meant I had to look up the miles per gallon, 456 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:24,280 then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had, 457 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,040 which worked until the milometer broke. Then I had to guess 458 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:32,760 what a mile was... Then, ultimately, I ended up getting it wrong. 459 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:39,200 I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there 460 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:44,040 and I didn't have a jerry can, and I presumed they'd sell them in the petrol station. 461 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,960 I was queuing up and I completely forgot the word for jerry can. 462 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,200 My mind went blank. 463 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,640 There was quite a long queue and I went, "Hi, I need a...um... 464 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:56,240 "Ooh, I need a thing, you know. Oh, God, it's a thing that you put petrol in?" 465 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,320 And the bloke just went, "Car?" 466 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,880 The closest I got to was "petrol suitcase?" 467 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:12,920 So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane... 468 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:17,600 Loser lane? ..with the trucks and the lorries and the horses 469 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,760 and the old people. 470 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:23,120 The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car 471 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:26,560 is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. 472 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:28,680 It's quite a manly moment. 473 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,640 You're chugging along at 60, you're quite comfortable. 474 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,760 You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, 475 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:38,200 I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." 476 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:42,640 She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" 477 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:43,720 "I can do this!" 478 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:48,240 You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. 479 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,520 When you're in the fast lane in a bad car, you know you don't belong. 480 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:57,560 Big Range Rovers right up behind you, flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" 481 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:03,240 There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" 482 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:08,920 I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. 483 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:15,240 It takes somewhere between 40 and 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. 484 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:17,840 My wife's going, "I told you!" 485 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:23,040 And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. 486 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:26,600 "Who are you, Porsche driver?" 487 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:38,960 He's normally on the phone. He goes, "Hold on, I'll call you back. 488 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,800 "Some dick from the loser lane's trying to overtake." 489 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:50,920 I do that to people! "Get back where you belong!" I am that person. 490 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,640 When I'm in the X5 now, 491 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:59,040 if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and... 492 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:02,480 "Get back to where you belong. I've worked hard for this car." 493 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:07,240 I've driven hundreds of miles past where I live, just to overtake someone back again. 494 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:12,400 Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on... 495 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:16,360 Yes. ..you told the person who rang you up that you'd be incredibly fast 496 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,680 going round our lap. No, I don't know if I did. Did I? 497 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,800 I said I'll try hard to be fast. 498 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,720 You said you'd be very fast. It was more difficult than I imagined. 499 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,480 Who here would like to see the lap? 500 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,600 ALL: Yes! Come on, let's have a look. 501 00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:37,400 Here we go. I suspect... 502 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,000 Go, go, go! 503 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,520 Heading down to the first corner... 504 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:46,200 Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious! 505 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,880 Ambitiously fast, Michael. 506 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,200 OK, now, into Chicago. 507 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,600 Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast. 508 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,520 Lost a lot of time with understeer. 509 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,360 That's a screamingly . 510 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,160 Straight into the Hammerhead. Trickiest corner. 511 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:08,440 Did you enjoy this? I didn't really... I lost track of time. 512 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,760 There we go. Actually, that's not bad at all. 513 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,840 No, you can relax after that. 514 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,880 Ah! And you are doing! 515 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,360 You are doing... And that's pretty fast. 516 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,880 I'm impressed with this. And impressed with that! 517 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,160 God, you really had picked up some... Second to last corner, 518 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:34,000 that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon... 519 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:37,760 It's gonna be... Oh, my God! 520 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:39,880 Well done! 521 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,360 You nearly flipped it! 522 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,920 You nearly turned the damn thing over! I nearly did. 523 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,680 How close was that to rolling? I thought that was it. 524 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:51,920 I said my goodbyes. 525 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,440 That was pretty spectacular, wasn't it? 526 00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,360 It was a very ambitious second half to the lap 527 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,040 and a very... 528 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:00,160 rubbish first half. 529 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:02,880 It was, it was. I know. Too fast into the corners. 530 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,200 Mmm, where do you think? 531 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:06,880 Where do you think you've come? 532 00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:11,280 Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect". 533 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:17,680 Michael McIntyre, you did it... in one minute... 534 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:22,040 ..forty... I like that. I'm fine with that. 535 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,240 ..eight point seven. 536 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,760 You're in here. 537 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,360 Oh, look. 538 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:33,320 Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre. 539 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,680 That's not a bad time. 540 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,240 I'm all right with that. 541 00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:40,120 That's right... Didn't I say in the middle? 542 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:45,320 It's in the middle of the whole thing! You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car 543 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,520 we've ever had. You are also one of the funniest. 544 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,320 Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McIntyre! Thank you. 545 00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:09,000 Now...if you are any sort of a car fan, 546 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,360 and you own an internet, 547 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:16,360 you will most probably have come across a chap called Ken Block on your "Youbook" site. 548 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:20,120 Young people tell me he is an internet sensation. 549 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:24,280 That's why I went all the way to the United States in America 550 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,040 to spend the day with him. 551 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:32,320 I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts, 552 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,680 but here, at Inyokern airfield in California. 553 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,520 I can hear him coming now 554 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,000 and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line. 555 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:49,320 No, he's more like a game station character who has emerged into the real world. 556 00:36:56,480 --> 00:37:00,320 And that's why his films get more than ten million hits 557 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,840 on "Facetube". 558 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,760 Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver. 559 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:11,360 But what's special about him is the way he sharpens his skills. 560 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:16,520 You see, most rallyists prefer to practise in the forests of Wales or Finland. 561 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,360 But Ken prefers to use... 562 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:19,680 airports. 563 00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:27,000 Thing is, Mr Block, I look at this sleepy old airfield and this hangar 564 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:32,200 and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds. 565 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:36,240 Looks like a playground to me. In what way? 566 00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:41,680 There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas... 567 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,880 And parked aeroplanes. They're nice obstacles. 568 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,680 Obstacles... I mean, the owners of them probably... Do they know? 569 00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:51,160 I'm not really sure. 570 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,240 Ken has devised a course around this place, 571 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:59,000 but he wants to keep the details a surprise. All I know is 572 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:03,480 he'll be using his specially strengthened, 380 horsepower 573 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,720 Subaru Impreza rally car 574 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:09,120 and that today, there's a seat going spare. 575 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:16,080 I, Captain Slow, will be here, with my bum on the best seat in the theatre of petrol, 576 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:18,400 in the royal box of rallying, 577 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,120 riding shotgun with Kenny from the block. 578 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,600 And I don't even have to do pace notes, because he knows the route. 579 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:32,720 You do, don't you? Mm... 580 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:39,720 Where are we going? 581 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,320 Bloody hell! 582 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,680 Mind the aeroplanes! 583 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:08,000 Are you sure? 584 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,240 Door! 585 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:15,560 Here we go again! 586 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,760 God, that's unbelievable! 587 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,080 Mind the pole! 588 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,200 Cor, that was nice! 589 00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:11,720 Where the hell are we going now?! 590 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,560 That's a fire station. 591 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,440 Next stop, Ken's eyeball spin dryer. 592 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:44,120 Tarmac session over, it was time for a dirt workout. 593 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:45,640 Ooh, God! 594 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,000 Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! 595 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:53,960 Whoa! 596 00:40:56,600 --> 00:41:02,080 Oh, that's Mr Ricky Carmichael, a good friend of mine. I think he's come out to play with us. 597 00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:06,600 'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history, 598 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:09,240 '15 times undefeated champion.' 599 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:11,960 Go get him, Mr Block. 600 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:15,120 Ow! 601 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,280 Oh, there... BLEEP! 602 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,720 'On the straights, Kenny was much faster, 603 00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:37,800 'but Ricky was a genius at finding shortcuts.' 604 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,640 Where's he gone? 605 00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:57,040 'Kenny and Ricky wanted to play with some more planes.' 606 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,200 No, no! Goodbye, viewers! 607 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,920 That's the nose of a DC-2. 608 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:24,880 He's getting away. 609 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,320 Not over there, that's a jump. 610 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:30,520 That's a motocross jump. No! 611 00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:56,120 We're alive! 612 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,840 That was incredible! 613 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,600 God! 614 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:08,960 Now look what you've done! 615 00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:23,280 Am I right in saying he's coming to Britain later this year, 616 00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:24,880 to play on our track? 617 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:26,120 Yes. 618 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,200 We could use his aeroplane as one of the obstacles. Yes! No. 619 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,120 The man's useless. He can't drive in a straight line. 620 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,400 Captain Slow rather missing the point there. Anyway, 621 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:40,920 earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish 622 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,440 and the producers told us to go away, put our heads in some books 623 00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:49,040 and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked. 624 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:53,040 After a solid 24 minutes of reading, inevitably, 625 00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:56,320 we'd come up with three cheap cars that we liked. 626 00:43:56,320 --> 00:44:00,480 So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best. 627 00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:05,760 This is my choice. 628 00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,920 It's a Skoda with a microscopic diesel engine 629 00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:11,040 and a top speed of 92. 630 00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:15,920 That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster. 631 00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:17,920 And that sounds great! 632 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:18,960 Roomster. 633 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,600 I like to think that's what Marc Bolan would've called his lounge. 634 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:26,720 This is what I've chosen - the Mito. 635 00:44:26,720 --> 00:44:32,120 At £11,500, it costs exactly the same as Jeremy's diesel-powered van. 636 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,440 But this is an Alfa Romeo. 637 00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:41,080 £11,500 for a brand-new Alfa Romeo. 638 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:46,440 You'd have to have a heart of stone and a soul of custard to turn that down. 639 00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:51,840 Then James arrived... in a dishwasher. 640 00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:55,160 This may have the engine from a dishwasher - 641 00:44:55,160 --> 00:45:02,080 just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here. 642 00:45:02,080 --> 00:45:09,720 It's called the Toyota IQ and it's the biggest leap in small car design since Dinky went bust. 643 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,680 In order to sort out which is the best car, 644 00:45:14,680 --> 00:45:17,600 we've each been allowed to choose one test. 645 00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:20,560 I'm going first and I've decided the first test will be... 646 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,920 a drag race...obviously. 647 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,720 I'm not feeling confident about this, 648 00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:36,120 because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi, 649 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:38,240 the Roomster's a lot bigger and heavier. 650 00:45:38,240 --> 00:45:41,160 0-60 in 16.4 seconds. 651 00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,200 And that, in English, is exactly... 652 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,400 ..one year. 653 00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:53,640 Got James! 654 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:55,960 Lost James. 655 00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,920 He-he-he! Not bad. 656 00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:05,840 And we're through. Ha-ha-ha! 657 00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:12,880 'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.' 658 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,320 50. 659 00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,120 51! 660 00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:47,600 And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage. 661 00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:51,120 We went there. A cottage? Yeah. You must've been posh. We had a tent. 662 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,960 Ooh, look! Is that him, or is that just another car that's going past? 663 00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:56,040 I don't know. 664 00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:58,640 I've actually forgotten what his car looks like. 665 00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:01,960 Power, power, power, speed - irrelevant. 666 00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:04,720 What's the excuse going to be? Ooh, tyre pressure. 667 00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:06,760 You lost, in case you were wondering. 668 00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:12,000 This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo. 669 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,440 Yes, of course(!) How did you make that out? 670 00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:19,080 Well, if a Porsche is doing 30, I'm doing 35, I could easily get by. 671 00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:22,240 What about if it was doing 93? That would be against the law. 672 00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:24,280 He'd hopefully have his licence taken away. 673 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:27,120 There's another thing about this. What? 674 00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:29,360 That is pure Lancia Stratos. 675 00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:33,120 No, it isn't. I'll grant you... What do you mean?! It just isn't. 676 00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:36,840 Says the man in the Indesit! What...come on! Chaps, 677 00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:41,880 I'll just bring you back to my point, which is that only one of these three cars is an Alfa Romeo. 678 00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:45,800 The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto. 679 00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:49,880 It's an Alfa Romeo! It's a Fiat Punto with Alfa written on it! This is a Stratos! 680 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:53,480 'It was then my turn to dream up a test and, since I had a Toyota, 681 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:57,080 'I thought we should measure quality.' 682 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,800 Right, each car is equipped with one of these. 683 00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,920 It's a decibel-o-meter. This will measure how loud your car is 684 00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,160 through Lionel Richie's head in the 1980s. 685 00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:07,200 You'll also be sitting on one of these - 686 00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,960 this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter 687 00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:13,960 and this measures vibration and harshness. Right! Let's do it. 688 00:48:13,960 --> 00:48:16,200 It's got three axes of measurement... 689 00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:19,000 Does it produce a number at the end of the test? Yes. 690 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:21,360 Right, good. Good. Let's do it. 691 00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:26,720 With the equipment installed, we set off at a scientific 50mph. 692 00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:44,440 This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here, I can hear my hair growing. 693 00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:50,720 Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice. 694 00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:55,520 After another run, we pulled over to see who'd won. 695 00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:57,640 How big is my victory? 696 00:48:57,640 --> 00:48:59,080 Not great. 697 00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:01,760 You two are neck-and-neck at 63 decibels of noise. 698 00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:05,320 I have 61. So it's better. It's quieter?! Yes. 699 00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:10,280 Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1. Yes! 700 00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,720 Let's see. Hammond, 1.8. Ha-ha! 701 00:49:13,720 --> 00:49:15,040 And I'm 1.5. 702 00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:18,080 It doesn't matter, because it is now time for my test. 703 00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:21,680 What we're going to do now is a lap of the track. 704 00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:24,440 The Skoda van's going to cream that(!) 705 00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,840 While carrying something. What? 706 00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:31,160 A dog. Let me guess - is it a King Charles spaniel? 707 00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:35,080 In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound, 708 00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:40,200 Milly, a Great Dane and Alfie, a St Bernard. 709 00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:47,280 OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car, 710 00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:51,120 you may have to lower your rear seats, yes? 711 00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:53,280 Do a lap, cross the line, stop the clock. 712 00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:54,800 I'll get my dog then. 713 00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:58,080 There is one rule in my test, yes? 714 00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:02,760 Don't drive like an idiot on the lap. If, when you get back, this dog looks sad, 715 00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:04,360 you're disqualified. 716 00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:05,800 OK, Lance, come on. 717 00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,280 But St Bernards always look sad. 718 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,520 Ready? Go! 719 00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:12,920 He's in. Oh. 720 00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,840 I don't need that. 721 00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:19,120 No, flat, flat. I can't get it flat. I've got to... Lance, mind out, mate. 722 00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:22,440 'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.' 723 00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:24,720 There are three bits to lift up? Yeah. 724 00:50:24,720 --> 00:50:27,040 Are you in? No. 725 00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:31,680 One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car. 726 00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:36,560 Up, up. Up, Lance. Two minutes, nine seconds. 727 00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:38,920 In you get, in you get. There you go! Good boy. 728 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,920 Oh, that's awkward. This is quite embarrassing now. 729 00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:47,320 'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.' 730 00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:53,160 Now, there's a racing start... and there's that. 731 00:50:53,160 --> 00:50:56,560 That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible. 732 00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:59,640 This is a brilliant test. 733 00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:02,840 There are eight million dogs in the UK. 734 00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,680 23% of all households have a dog. 735 00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:07,840 Oh-hoh! Urgh! 736 00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:11,840 A car that can't handle a dog, frankly, is useless. 737 00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:15,840 Oh, God, it's all right. You're all right. Oh, good boy. 738 00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:19,200 It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system. 739 00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:23,960 What that means is you get a switch down here that says DNA. 740 00:51:23,960 --> 00:51:30,120 They stand for Normal, Dynamic - which tightens up and sharpens the throttle. 741 00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:34,560 If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy. 742 00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:39,440 'But, anxious not to be disqualified for upsetting the dog, 743 00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:42,440 'I left everything in very normal.' 744 00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:49,080 Seven minutes... Yeah. Now, I happen to know that, actually, that is a very good time 745 00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:51,840 for an Alfa Romeo Mito with a wolfhound on board. 746 00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:54,880 Does he look sad? No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog. 747 00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:57,200 Bored out of his mind. 748 00:51:57,200 --> 00:52:02,480 'Maybe my Great Dane would have a more exciting time.' Go. 749 00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:05,920 Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that! 750 00:52:05,920 --> 00:52:10,280 There's a water tray for you. Oh, it leaks a bit. 751 00:52:10,280 --> 00:52:12,560 £11,500, you can lift the rear seats out, 752 00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:17,120 or fold them down. All I'm going to do is pull them forwards, 753 00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:20,120 which gives Milly a bit more room. 754 00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:24,240 Here we go. How do you feel now, dog? 755 00:52:24,240 --> 00:52:27,920 Yeah! What do you think of that? 756 00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:33,000 What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... A head. 757 00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:36,440 This, of course, isn't really a Skoda. 758 00:52:36,440 --> 00:52:40,600 Peel away the body and underneath, at the front, it's a Volkswagen Polo. 759 00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:45,480 At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen. 760 00:52:45,480 --> 00:52:48,840 And it's so beautifully made. 761 00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:50,040 Sorry. 762 00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:54,480 Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it! 763 00:52:56,240 --> 00:52:59,000 Dr Dolittle's on his way. 764 00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:00,840 And... 765 00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:04,520 Oh, it's not a lumpy yawn! 766 00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:08,680 Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning... 767 00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:13,040 slobbered on the car, she loved it so much. How do we know that wasn't you? 768 00:53:13,040 --> 00:53:14,200 Just tell me the time. 769 00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:16,560 Four minutes 13. Oh, God. 770 00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:19,880 Three minutes faster than you?! 771 00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:24,520 'But would the Skoda be a match for the genius of the IQ?' 772 00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:29,200 This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history. 773 00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:33,480 It is, in fact, the smallest four-seat car ever 774 00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:38,640 and it's all down to very innovative stuff, like the fuel tank, which is very shallow and very long, 775 00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:41,200 so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space. 776 00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:44,680 The engine is the other way round from other front-wheel drive cars, 777 00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:47,720 so the differential and the transmission are at the front. 778 00:53:47,720 --> 00:53:50,320 That saves more space down here. 779 00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:56,000 I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog. 780 00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:58,960 Three, two, one...go! 781 00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:03,320 Right. 782 00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:06,720 There's no space at all! The seats go down. 783 00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,240 Can you stop interfering with my time? 784 00:54:09,240 --> 00:54:12,240 He can't get in! He can! He can't! 785 00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:14,600 He doesn't know whether to get in or mate with it! 786 00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:18,040 Alfie, come on. Drive like that and hope he can keep up? 787 00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:21,640 Alfie, come on. You can stick your head out the window. 788 00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:23,400 What are you doing?! That's no good! 789 00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:25,320 Sit up. 790 00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,600 Alfie! Good dog. 791 00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:31,000 'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.' 792 00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,400 Oh, you've got gob on the gearstick! 793 00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:38,720 Of course, the IQ is a bit like a small, city supercar. 794 00:54:38,720 --> 00:54:42,040 The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile. 795 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:45,560 And it has a really small boot, like the Bugatti Veyron. 796 00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:47,400 Thanks for that. 797 00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:52,040 Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back. 798 00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:54,400 Hold on, there's a bit of a... Oh, bloody hell! 799 00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,880 'In James's hands, the dishwasher was on a very slow cycle.' 800 00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:03,600 Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point. 801 00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:07,160 Two dogs, coming across the line in a Hotpoint. Oh, no! 802 00:55:07,160 --> 00:55:08,680 Walkies, walkies. 803 00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:11,360 Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog! 804 00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:16,120 Look at that face! Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! That's his normal face! 805 00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,720 You want to hear your time? 806 00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:20,600 Six forty-eight...? 807 00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:22,800 You beat an Alfa Romeo. 808 00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:27,840 That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault. 809 00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:33,760 If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at "James May is a bastard, Top Gear, London". 810 00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:42,560 'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.' 811 00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:44,520 The idea's very simple. 812 00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:50,480 We shall drive to London to see which one looks best in the fashionable streets of Notting Hill. 813 00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,640 Well, it'll be mine. It just will. 814 00:55:56,640 --> 00:56:04,520 This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car". 815 00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:11,320 'Meanwhile, I'd unearthed a problem with this, the cheapest version of the Roomster.' 816 00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:13,760 This just isn't powerful enough. 817 00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:16,720 There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out 818 00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,800 and get up to 70 before someone's caught you up. 819 00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:21,480 Here we go...foot hard down... 820 00:56:23,720 --> 00:56:28,000 Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him. 821 00:56:30,080 --> 00:56:34,520 'In London, we pulled over for another real world test.' 822 00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:39,320 OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London, 823 00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:42,760 let's see who's used the least fuel. 824 00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:47,440 I don't feel all that confident on this one. 825 00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:48,800 £4.16. 826 00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:50,880 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 827 00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:56,680 The three-cylinder diesel engine... Yes? Follow me. 828 00:56:56,680 --> 00:56:59,880 Eh? What?! You have to mash your foot down 829 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:02,480 just to do 20mph. 830 00:57:02,480 --> 00:57:06,000 And that's the result. You're better off with a bigger engine. 831 00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:13,080 Anyway, listen, I've got an idea. First one to see another one of their own cars wins. 832 00:57:13,080 --> 00:57:16,840 So, if in Notting Hill, you see an Alfa Mito... 833 00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:17,920 I'll go with that. 834 00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:23,080 'As darkness fell, we began to near ciabatta central.' 835 00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:25,680 Cor, this is posh round here. 836 00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:31,920 Richard Branson lives up here on the right-hand side. Does he have a Roomster? 837 00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:34,560 Nnnnnno. 838 00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:38,880 We're about to penetrate Notting Hill, James. 839 00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:43,160 We'll go round that bend, it will be awash with brand-new IQs. 840 00:57:44,680 --> 00:57:45,960 'He was wrong. 841 00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:48,680 'We all were.' 842 00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:54,840 Fiat 500, Fiat 500... 843 00:57:54,840 --> 00:58:01,520 Fiat 500, Fiat 500...Fiat 500. 844 00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:14,440 Hmm. 845 00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:20,560 Now, there's a very good reason why I chose the Skoda Roomster 846 00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:24,160 rather than the Fiat 500 as the best cheap car in Britain. 847 00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:28,480 It's because, quite simply, I forgot about the Fiat. 848 00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:36,440 But...what if you want a car that begins with A? 849 00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:43,120 'So, there we are. If you want a small, cheap, good-looking, practical car 850 00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:47,800 'that's fast, economical and can carry a St Bernard, remember... 851 00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:50,560 'we know nothing.' 852 00:59:00,720 --> 00:59:03,440 If we'd have done more minutes of research... 853 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:06,920 we'd have remembered it. We are numpties, aren't we? 854 00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:10,080 If we did a travel programme, we'd finish up by saying, 855 00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:13,120 "And there you are, the best place to go on holiday in Europe 856 00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:15,200 "is Belgium. Oh, no, we forgot France!" 857 00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:19,880 I don't like the Fiat 500. Oh, God. Or France. 858 00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:22,360 That really isn't a bombshell, is it? 859 00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:26,480 But, we do have a couple next week, because these two have a race with Postman Pat 860 00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:30,880 and I declare war on the British Army! See you then. Take care. Good night! 861 00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:53,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd Modified By BerHoM 862 00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:57,040 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk