1 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,920 Tonight, we save the entire world. 2 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:18,040 We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar. 3 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,400 And we annoy France's second-best racing driver. 4 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:29,040 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 5 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:30,320 Thank you! 6 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,120 Hello, hello, everybody. 7 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,480 Hello and welcome. 8 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:35,640 Now. 9 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:44,440 All keen drivers will tell you that front-wheel drive modern cars are for the weak. 10 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:49,440 And that if you're at all serious about your driving, you have to have a car with rear wheel drive. 11 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,640 And we agree with them, even James May. 12 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,520 But our producers disagree. 13 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,360 They think we're talking claptrap. 14 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,240 So, to try and prove their point, they gave each of us £1,500, 15 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,000 told us to buy a rear-wheel drive car with it, 16 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,280 and then go to Calais, 17 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,320 where we would be given a number of stab wounds. 18 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,720 No, not stab wounds...hats. 19 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:10,920 No, what's the word? 20 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,760 CALL FROM THE CROWD Sausages! Not sausages! 21 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,320 Challenges! Yes, that! 22 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,840 Mmm, Calais. 23 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,480 Beautiful. 24 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:36,880 But it has been enlivened this morning by the arrival of this magnificent Porsche 944. 25 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,560 And this is the S2 model, the last and the best. 26 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,840 Three litre engine, at the front, rear wheel drive, 27 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,000 and the gear box is at the back as well. 28 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,360 Now, that does mean the, um... 29 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,160 ..the boot floor is a bit shallow. 30 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:54,240 But really, that's a small price to pay, frankly, 31 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,360 for engineering balance, engineering perfection. 32 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,760 It is remarkable that you can buy a car as good as this, 33 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,240 for £1,500. 34 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:12,240 And equally remarkable that someone should spend £1,500 on what can only be described as a Datsun. 35 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,200 A-ha! That's utterly hideous. 36 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,360 It is. Now, let me just talk you through. 37 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,920 Nissan 300 ZX. 38 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:24,240 Headlines, technical stuff. Three litre V6, four-wheel steer, twin turbo. 39 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,600 I bet you Paul Raymond had a Nissan 300 ZX. 40 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,600 It's a pornographer's car, isn't it? It is a pornographer's car. 41 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,720 And then, the 1980s arrived. 42 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,000 MUSIC: Theme to "Minder" 43 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:37,560 Oh, Lord! 44 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,360 We're on the set of Minder! Terry McCann is here! 45 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,040 All right, Tel? 46 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,800 I wanna see claret on the pavement! 47 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:49,240 The Capri 2.8 injection. The last hurrah of the common man's coupe. 48 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,360 I love these things. It's fantastic. It's terrible. 49 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,160 Seriously? It's hateful. 50 00:02:53,160 --> 00:03:00,440 All I would say is, BMW 635, 323, 325, I saw all of these for £1,500. 51 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,640 Yeah, I know. 52 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,440 But didn't you always want a Capri? 53 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:09,960 Yes, but the producers aren't going to say, "The winner is the one who always wanted their car most." 54 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:14,600 'Hammond and I then discovered an interesting feature on Jeremy's Porsche.' 55 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,720 RICHARD AND JAMES: One, two, three... 56 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,480 Yay! Oh, sorry! Did I hit you? 57 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,160 You actually hit him in the plums! 58 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,000 He does that, he actually goes for them. 59 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,400 When I was mended, we were given a challenge. 60 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:34,520 Right. You will now drive your £1,500 rear-wheel drive cars to a racetrack! Yes! 61 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:41,880 It's called Circuit de Lac... Circuit de something or other. The only drawback is, it's 500 miles away. 62 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,960 A Nissan. 500 miles, that's just...I'm there. 63 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,840 I'm not entirely confident about that, if I'm being brutally honest. 64 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,480 Our convoy hit the autoroute for the long drive south. 65 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,920 This car has done 201,000 miles. 66 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,400 That's very nearly Earth to the moon. 67 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:12,120 And it feels...like it's done 201,000 miles. 68 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,440 My window switches have come out, 69 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,440 my boot release has come out, sunroof is broken, rear wiper is broken. 70 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:27,320 There were, however, no quality issues at all in Paul Raymond's car. 71 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:33,480 So it's done an indicated 103,000 miles. And do you know what? It feels as tight as a drum. 72 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,320 Everything is electric and everything works. 73 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:40,920 Air-con, cruise control, controls on the steering wheel. Nothing had that back then! 74 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:51,280 54.9 miles into our 500-mile odyssey, and some of the gauges have starting working. 75 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,400 Soon, the producers told us to pull in at a rest area, 76 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,880 where, weirdly, we were given another challenge. 77 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,680 We're going to a racetrack, we know that. 78 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,440 Should one of your cars not make it to the destination... 79 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,160 That'll be you. 80 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,960 ..producers have provided a back-up car that also has rear-wheel drive. 81 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,320 That'll be all right, then. That's very generous. 82 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,200 That's... I have wondered. 83 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,080 It's not that, is it? 84 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,720 'It was. 85 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,800 'And for us, Morris Marinas spell trouble.' 86 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,400 I should explain, viewers, we've had a few run-ins with the Morris Marina Owners Club over the years. 87 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,480 We keep breaking them. 88 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,880 Not out fault. The last one really wasn't our fault, a piano just fell on it. 89 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,200 It rains pianos at our track. 90 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,800 So, is that thing gonna follow us in the usual... It is, isn't it? 91 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:41,520 It did follow us, waiting to pounce. 92 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:48,040 But, for hour after hour, our three cars - even the Capri - ran without a single problem. 93 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,360 What we should have said at the start of the programme is, 94 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:57,920 "Tonight, three middle-aged men drive reliable cars across France without incident." 95 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:04,360 Of course, as night fell, our luck ran out. 96 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,160 Are you saying that the rear lights don't work? 97 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,120 Well, I'm not blinded by it. Look. 98 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,080 Only that one's not working. When you're driving there's nothing. 99 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,680 'Normally, this would put the world's least practical man in the Marina.' 100 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:22,000 'But, for the first time in his life, he decided to try and fix something.' 101 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,120 If I mend this, you lot are going to have to stand back in amazement. 102 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:30,240 The thing is, he's actually, genuinely changed a bulb. He's done it. 103 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,960 I mended something! 104 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,840 I mended it! You changed a bulb. 105 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,400 Well, it's never happened before. 106 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,400 This opened the floodgates. 107 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,240 It's like losing your virginity. 108 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:49,000 There's a sense that I've unlocked a treasure chest of possibilities. I want to mend lots of things, now. 109 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:54,360 'That night, at the hotel, "Jez'll Fix It" went berserk.' 110 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,720 Here we go. 111 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,360 Look at that! My boot release switch is now back in. 112 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,600 I would never have attempted this before, but now I can. 113 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,240 Well, it gives us some time on our own, which is nice. 114 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:21,560 Hang on, where was it? Ha-ha! Electric window switches are now back in. 115 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,800 Oh, no, wait a minute. The sun-roof. I could just fix that, couldn't I? 116 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:34,000 The next morning, my show-room fresh Porsche led our little convoy on to the race track. 117 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,480 It's not a bad looking track. It looks great. 118 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,840 Bit nippy. I look forward to giving it a... Oh, here we go. 119 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,760 "You are in France." Yes. 120 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,440 "The country that practically invented front-wheel drive, and have stuck with it." 121 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,920 Yeah, they have. 122 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:51,400 "And so, the Stig will now set a lap time in a very French and very front-wheel drive Renault Twingo 133. 123 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,880 I thought France made the Stig violent. Evidently not, he looks calm. 124 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,640 All you have to do is beat his time. You get one point for every second you are faster than him, 125 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,000 a point lost for every second you are slower. 126 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:08,480 How can a Porsche 944 S2 be slower than a Renault Twingo? 127 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:13,120 I've got a three litre, twin turbo V6. I know, Stig's good... Why are you looking like that? 128 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,240 I've driven one of those, they're really fast. 129 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,280 It's a shopping car. Relax! 130 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,160 Go! 131 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,400 He'll have torque steer, he'll have under-steer. 132 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,480 We're gonna have the tail drifting out nicely. Elegant, sweeping drift. 133 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:39,240 'Despite the front drive Renault, the Stig was very quick.' 134 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,520 Finish. 135 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,960 1:32:31. 136 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,880 Who's going first? Baggy not me. Baggy not me. Baggy not me. 137 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,240 That's too late. Aww! 138 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,160 Go! 139 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,760 Was that the crummiest start you've ever seen from a human being? It wasn't good. 140 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,040 There is one quite important thing, I have no idea of the way around this circuit. 141 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:08,400 It's the fast and the furious, this. Very furious, I should imagine, knowing Hammond. 142 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,880 Oh, for God's sake, where's the BLEEP apex? 143 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,920 'Soon, though, I was in the groove.' 144 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,720 Oh, you can see already, she's drifting round. Yes! 145 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,160 'And then, soon, I was out of it again.' 146 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,320 Oh, he'll be clenching in there, now! 147 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:31,640 I meant that! 148 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,880 'With Hammond out, it was my turn.' 149 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,400 That didn't go as well as I'd hoped. 150 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:46,320 'Soon, though, I was revelling in the 944's rear-drive balance.' 151 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,600 Here we go, you see? Front wheels do the steering, I then plant the power at the back. 152 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,880 Oooh! Oops... 153 00:09:54,880 --> 00:10:00,960 You're just feeling the perfect weight. It's all just absolutely magnificent. 154 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,080 I may have missed the apex quite a lot there, but... 155 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,040 Here we go. Come on, Porsche! 156 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,760 Confident. 157 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,240 RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT 158 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,760 Now, the Stig, 1:32. Yeah. 159 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,040 Jeremy Clarkson. One thirty... 160 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,240 Yeah, I made a bit of a mess of it, Yeah. 161 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,200 But it's OK! Because everything now hangs on James! 162 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,680 How can the world of rear-wheel drive now hang... On James May in an old Capri? 163 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,520 I want you to win this for the prog-rock generation. 164 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:44,400 So I should think King Crimson, Pink Floyd... Yeah. Genesis. 165 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:51,400 Unfortunately, like prog-rock, James's lap is gonna last 48 minutes and make no sense to anyone. 166 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,120 GO! 167 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,240 Here we go. 168 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,840 I don't know if I've ever mentioned this. James isn't a fast driver. 169 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,600 Come on, come on! Come on for the honour of rear-wheel drive! 170 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,800 That's gotta be good. 171 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,320 1:32 to beat. 172 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,720 1:48. What? 173 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,640 But I was going like hell! 174 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,360 'Following our terrible failure, 175 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,440 'The Stig broke out his portable, rear-wheel drive drifting car, 176 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,480 'to show the front-wheel drive generation what they're missing.' 177 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,440 'And because we are all eight years old, 178 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,440 'we thought we'd have a go.' 179 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,080 'But there was a hitch.' 180 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,040 Hammond. Is there any steam coming from your car? 181 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:56,080 None whatsoever, no, no, yours? There's none coming from mine. 182 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,360 However, there's quite a... 183 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:01,080 How are you going to be able to drift when you can't see where you're going? 184 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,280 It'll blow off when I'm going along. 185 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:04,760 Have you got any tea bags? 186 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:09,400 It's harmless. This is what happens when you push a car to the ragged edge. 187 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,640 Which you haven't done. 188 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,880 'Sadly, by the time Terry McCann's kettle had cooled down, 189 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,520 'the producers were ready with their next challenge.' 190 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,720 What are those things? 191 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:29,960 Well, I'll tell you one thing. The middle one is exactly the same colour as my bike. 192 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,360 That one... Yes, my Christmas present bike. 193 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:36,680 That's funny, because the thing on the right looks suspiciously like my drum kit. 194 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,160 Well that's what I was thinking, it looks like my piano. 195 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,880 It can't be, because we smashed that to bits. 196 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,240 Exactly. But I bought another one. 197 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:47,000 I don't imagine it's coincidence, and it's there. This is... 198 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:52,400 Here we go. "You will accelerate from nought to 60 miles per hour and then brake. 199 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,720 "All within 200 metres." 200 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,680 I know what they're there for. 201 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:02,160 "If you fail to pull up, you will not only lose points, but something dear to your heart as well." 202 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,320 Pianos are really heavy. 203 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:08,800 You're gonna crash into your piano in about a minute. This is a stupid idea. 204 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,480 Airbag, no. 205 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:15,160 I'm wearing a crash helmet to protect me from my own motorcycle coming through the windscreen. 206 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,000 Traction control, no. 207 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,920 I've really gotta get on the brakes with this. 208 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,960 Anti-lock brakes. Don't know. 209 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,560 Remember to brake at 60, remember to brake at 60, you stupid boy. 210 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,120 Yes, it's a good start. 211 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,320 Come on, brake. Good change into second. 212 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,080 40. No! 213 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,080 Come on, car! 214 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,280 60... 60, now! 215 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,400 Cock! 216 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,720 That didn't look good for James. 217 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,440 Look at your Capri. 218 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,800 Never mind the sodding Capri, look at that! 219 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,240 I think, this... You could get these in order... 220 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,920 I'm sorry, mate. I'm really sorry. 221 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,360 You're not sorry! 222 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,880 'Then, for James, things got worse.' 223 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,040 Is this normal? 224 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,440 Of course it's not bloody normal. 225 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,880 Look at it this way - no more challenges. 226 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:13,920 Good. Oh. 227 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,440 Apart from that one. 228 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,800 What now? 229 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:21,880 "So far, real-wheel drive has not been relevant in any way." 230 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,880 Steady on! 231 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:28,960 "So you will now drive to Val Thorens in the Alps, to see if some use can be found for it there." 232 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,360 What's Val Thorens? 233 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,640 Well, it's a skiing resort. I've been there. 234 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,480 Is it far? 235 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,400 115 miles. 236 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,480 With bits of piano sticking out the front. That's a long way. 237 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:44,040 Don't need that. Oh, yeah, good luck to you. There's nothing wrong with the car. 238 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,360 It's got a dent in it, that's all. Come on, 239 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,400 Val Thorens. 240 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,960 He just drove over this. 241 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,000 APPLAUSE 242 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:07,080 That's from back in the days when Porsche could style cars. It was a good looking car. 243 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:11,360 It was. We'll pick up on that later, 244 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,200 because now we're going to do the news. 245 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:18,040 Yes, yes. And the people who have collaborated with Google on their Smartphone 246 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,880 have turned their attention to cars. 247 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,160 They've researched motoring and come to a conclusion. Their conclusion is this, and I can quote - 248 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:28,920 they say, that humans are not meant to drive. 249 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,040 LAUGHTER 250 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:34,400 We're not meant to use ovens, either, or wear shoes, but that's just ridiculous. 251 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,400 That's the conclusion they've come to, and they've come up with this! 252 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,760 It's called the Autonomobile. 253 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:40,800 LAUGHTER 254 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,560 I can tell you like it, I can tell that. 255 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:47,240 You'll notice there's no steering wheel or brakes or any controls at all for you to operate. 256 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,040 It's the Autonomobile, it does it itself, you see? 257 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,280 Yes, it's very clever. You get in it, you tell it where you want to go, and then it says - 258 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,360 and I'm gonna make sure I get this right - 259 00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:02,040 they say you "sit back, enjoy the view with a nice wine, cheese and a baguette." 260 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,080 Oh, lovely. 261 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,400 How lovely. 262 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:08,560 I think this is a brilliant idea. I genuinely like the idea of sitting about with a glass of wine, 263 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,840 some cheese, and going home. 264 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,800 However, there is one problem with a sort of laser-guided, radar-guided, satellite-guided car. 265 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,360 We know - because it's statistically proven - 266 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,760 that half of all plane crashes are caused by pilot error, yes? 267 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:21,880 Yeah. We also know, 268 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,720 that planes can take off, fly and land by themselves, yes? 269 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:25,840 This is a fact. 270 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:30,400 So, if you remove the pilot from the plane, you would half the number of crashes. 271 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,400 Stands to reason. 272 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,160 However, would you get on a plane that had no pilot? 273 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,200 BOTH: No. 274 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,480 You see? Then that's the problem with this. 275 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:45,360 Great idea, but the problem is, you just happen to know, this has been invented by a brilliant man. 276 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:49,760 But, five years down the line, it's going to be bought by someone called Keith. 277 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:54,920 Keith is going to wake up one day and think he can service it himself. 278 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,240 Yes. 279 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,760 Which means you wont be able to relax in your Autonomobile. 280 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,720 Because you'll be thinking, 281 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,680 "I know that somebody called Keith, 282 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:08,240 "reading the Daily Star and watching EastEnders is coming the other way." 283 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,280 LAUGHTER 284 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,200 And there's going to be a horrible accident. 285 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,800 It's all rubbish. What? 286 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,240 Cars that drive themselves were invented ages ago. They're called taxis. 287 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,840 LAUGHTER 288 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,560 Right, now, news from India. 289 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:27,680 There's a company over there, car company, Tata, they've got a large car division. 290 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,120 Got a new car out, here it is. 291 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,400 It's the Jaguar XJ. 292 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,440 It's quite striking to look at. 293 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:38,080 The interior is gorgeous as well. It looks fabulous, look at that! 294 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,280 It costs £50,000 to £90,000, depending on the model, 295 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,080 the direct injection V8, two new diesels, with 271 and I think... 296 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,320 270... 271... 297 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,680 Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that Diesel stuff. 298 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,800 It's a new XJ, the important question is, "Is it a proper Jag?" 299 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,440 What you mean is, is this car slightly caddish? 300 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,480 That's what you mean. 301 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:03,520 Yes. 302 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,520 Is the person who drives it... Oh, what's the word, I'm not quite sure 303 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,000 how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel, 304 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000 some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress. 305 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,560 And it's OK because he's got a Jag. 306 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:20,640 LAUGHTER 307 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,760 You can get away with anything! 308 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,120 "I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog." "Oh!" 309 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,160 "In my Jag." 310 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,160 "Never mind." 311 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:33,800 Is it fair to say, do you think, that no Jag driver is ever entirely trustworthy, 312 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,200 but it's in a really nice, likeable way? 313 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:40,760 Because if you went to a prison - forget the stabbists and the stranglers, 314 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,680 the ones that are in there for a bit of tax-dodging - I bet 80% have got Jags. 315 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,280 You know what I mean, don't you? 316 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,080 Have you got a Jag? 317 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,160 Who here's got a Jag? 318 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,360 You've got a Jag? Look at him! 319 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:56,560 He goes away with a girl for the weekend and then goes, 320 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,200 "Awfully sorry." 321 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,560 "Bit of an issue with the wallet." "Do you mind, awfully, settling this while I go warm up the Jag?" 322 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,360 LAUGHTER 323 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:08,200 The thing is, I think that is just a brilliant, brilliant piece of design, because 324 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,800 it's a Jag. But it's kind of modern. 325 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:17,280 That's an absolutely fantastic looking car, that. Can't wait to have a go on in it. 326 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,840 Oh! Guys, guys, guys, guys. I want to show you this. 327 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:20,960 It's a speeding ticket, 328 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,440 which was issued in California, OK? 329 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:28,320 We see here that the car in question is a Bugatti two-door. 330 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:29,840 I'm guessing a Veyron. 331 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:35,920 Speed limit on the road, 65 miles per hour. Recorded speed, 210.4. 332 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,120 Whoa! 333 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:41,080 APPLAUSE 334 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,720 Yeah, what about that? 335 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,920 Unbelievable. 336 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:52,960 If he'd done that in this country, you'd be put in prison for 2,000 years. 337 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,560 Do you want to know what the fine in California is 338 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,880 for doing 210 miles per hour on a road with a 65 miles per hour speed limit? 339 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:03,320 You get, basically, the maximum fine a judge can impose is 500. 340 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,640 For 210 miles per hour. 341 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:09,240 And if you do it again, it's just 750. 342 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,760 So, goodbye. We're off. Yeah, that's it! 343 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,560 Why aren't we there doing what we do? I know! 344 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,600 This is the worst country for making a car programme. 345 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,680 Honestly, I think we should go, that is civilised behaviour. 346 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,000 Now. Bad news. 347 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,560 It's about this, the Honda FRV it's called. 348 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,520 It's a six-seater car, it had three seats in the front, 349 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,880 three in the back. Well, Honda say it's been such an enormous success, they're dropping it. 350 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,600 The problem with this car is with the picture they sent us, 351 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,400 which is when the car came out a few years ago. 352 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,040 Nobody wants to drive around with a small girl's severed head on the dash. 353 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,720 The worst thing about this was that when it came out, we all got suckered into it and thought, 354 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,320 "Three in the front, three in the back, it makes sense," but it doesn't. 355 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,120 If you think, I've got two daughters, 356 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,560 so if I have one girl in the front between me and my wife, that leaves one girl on her own! 357 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,360 You're just gonna have an argument every time you go near it! 358 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,680 Exactly. It's not gonna work. That's not the worst bit. 359 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:11,280 It could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back. 360 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,720 Oh... But you do see that occasionally. 361 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,880 The mother in the front and a bloke in the back. 362 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,040 It's tragic. There's nothing more pathetic. 363 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,320 It's the most pitiable sight you can see. 364 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,800 She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back." Yeah. 365 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,320 No. 366 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,480 That concludes the news, OK? 367 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:46,640 That concludes the news, and now, if you don't mind, I want to talk about the BMW M5. 368 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,040 You see, what we have here are two cars. 369 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,840 One of them is a spacious, practical four-door saloon. 370 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,120 The other is a blistering, growling monster. 371 00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:01,840 For 24 years, this has been the ultimate sports saloon. 372 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,960 But now, there is a new Jag. 373 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:14,320 The new XFR doesn't look much like a blistering, growling monster. 374 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,080 There are no bulges in its flex. 375 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,600 There are no scoops. 376 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,320 There's no Cheshire-ishness at all. 377 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,720 It looks like it might even be a diesel. 378 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,480 It's the same story on the inside. 379 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,720 Sitting in an M5 is like actually sitting in a laptop. 380 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:38,280 It couldn't be more geeky, even if the sat-nav voice was Buffy. 381 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:43,000 In the Jag, though, all I've got is a steering wheel and some pedals. 382 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,400 It even has an automatic gearbox. 383 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,760 Don't be fooled by the plain-Jane simplicity, though. 384 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:58,200 Because the speed of this thing is simply unbelievable. 385 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:08,280 Right. That is nought to 60 in four and a half seconds, and look at it. 386 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,920 80...90...100... 387 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:17,400 110...115...it's supposed to be limited to 155, but, look! 388 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,440 165 and it's still accelerating! 389 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:25,280 That's unbelievable! 390 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,760 What's it limited by? 391 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:34,560 "If you don't stick to 155, I shall jolly well write to the Daily Telegraph about it." 392 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:44,360 'The key to this rampant savagery is an all-new, all-Welsh supercharged five-litre V8 engine. 393 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:48,280 'There's no other word. It's fantastic. 394 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:56,000 'And there's more good news. At £60,000, the Jag is noticeably cheaper than an M5. 395 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:02,440 'It's also quieter, and it's way more comfortable.' 396 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,480 It is uncannily comfortable. 397 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:11,200 It's so soft and so absorbent, it's like sitting on a fat dog. 398 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:17,640 You can't really believe it'll go round a corner at all, leave alone like this. 399 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,720 I'm doing that wearing brogues! 400 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:33,360 'To keep it planted, it has an electronic diff like you get on a Ferrari. 401 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:37,040 'And suspension that adjusts itself hundreds of times a second.' 402 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:42,680 You can be just inch-perfect, even when you're driving like a complete lunatic. 403 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,200 Whoa! Ha-ha! 404 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,480 So easy! 405 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:04,320 So, this is two cars as well. It's amazingly comfortable and quiet 406 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,400 when you're not in the mood for fun and games, 407 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,240 and it's savagely fast when you are. 408 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,680 But, can it really be as fast as an M5? 409 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,960 Let's find out. 410 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,920 Both cars produce as near as makes no difference, 500 horse-power. 411 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,520 And both weigh about the same. 412 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,280 There are some differences, of course. 413 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,560 He can rev to 8,000, I can only rev to six and a half. 414 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:49,400 He's got ten cylinders, I've only got eight. He's got seven speeds in his gear box, I've only got six. 415 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:56,000 BUT I have 80 more torques than him. 80! 416 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,480 I've got so much torque, I could tear a hole in TIME! 417 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,880 Yes, he's got better brakes, but coming out of the corner, 418 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,120 I'm gonna unleash my meteorite of torque, here we go! 419 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:29,720 This is getting hot, hard and dangerous now. I need to stay cool. 420 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,920 There's the air-con. 421 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,520 I'm not for a moment going to suggest that this is better than an M5. 422 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,560 But it's as good as. And praise doesn't get higher than that. 423 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,680 Boot full of stolen videos. 424 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:18,000 So, right, on the track, the Jag is as good as the BMW. 425 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,560 ..Nearly. 426 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:21,760 On the road? 427 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,040 Honestly, I think on the road it's better. 428 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,720 Tell you what we'll do now, we'll put some maths into the mix. 429 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,240 Because we'll find out how fast it goes around our track, 430 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,280 and that means handing it over to our tame racing driver. 431 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:38,880 Some say he has 12 GCSEs, all in domestic science. 432 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,960 LAUGHTER 433 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:44,320 And that he's been producing artificial sperm for years. 434 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:48,080 Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. 435 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,880 All we know is he's called the Stig. 436 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:56,560 And he's off! 503 Welsh horsepowers! 437 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,280 Charging him down to the first corner. 438 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:02,440 This is still a two-ton car, so let's see how it battles the laws of physics here. 439 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,040 Looking nice so far. 440 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,120 And a lovely little slide on the way out. 441 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,880 BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO 442 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,840 The sound of bits, there, being served in a stomach lining. 443 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,520 Chicago. 444 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:20,160 There goes the tail again, this thing really is a leathery drift machine. 445 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,760 As he comes into the Hammerhead. 446 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,280 The Jag's clever diff runs in open mode when you don't need limited slip... 447 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,040 That doesn't eliminate under-steer. 448 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:31,040 Fortunately, Stig does with a boot full of supercharged goodness! 449 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:36,520 BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO 450 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:41,640 Terrible smell of oats all of a sudden. There he is through the follow-through. 451 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,080 Punishing its tires, battling on well. That was fast. 452 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,800 Here he goes, second to last corner. 453 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:50,520 More over-steer, and up to Gambon, wonder what will happen here. 454 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,320 Yep, there goes the tail again. And across the line! 455 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:58,400 APPLAUSE 456 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,360 Now... 457 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,840 Here we are, look. BMW, M5. 458 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,560 1:26:2. 459 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:11,520 Now, I expected the Jag to be a little bit slower than that. 460 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,080 And it was. 461 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:16,840 Unfortunately, just half a second in it. But, look at it this way, 462 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:23,360 If you have an XFR, "Do you know, I've lost my wallet!" You never have to pay for anything. 463 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,560 Now, normally, that would be that. 464 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,000 However, these days, as I'm sure you know, 465 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,600 the amount of tax you pay on a car depends on how much carbon dioxide it produces. 466 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:39,200 Yeah, and according to official figures, the XFR produces 292 carbon dioxides per kilometre. 467 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:43,000 Which is very impressive, no other car of its type gets even close to that. 468 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:47,400 But, predictably, Jeremy thought he could do better. 469 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:55,280 As we know, plants absorb carbon dioxide, and then breathe out oxygen. 470 00:29:55,280 --> 00:30:01,760 So why not put plants in the exhaust system of your car? 471 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:04,080 Impossible? 472 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,800 Well, Alan Titchmarsh might say so, 473 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,880 but, er, what does HE know? 474 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,160 What we have here is a Range Rover, 475 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,000 which now has the same 5 litre V8 that you get in the Jag. 476 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,880 At the back, we have tubes which takes the exhaust gases 477 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:26,040 into this greenhouse, which is full of plants - tomato plants, on this occasion. 478 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:32,840 And that means the tailpipes emit no greenhouse gases at all. 479 00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:35,800 What you're looking at here, ladies and gentlemen, 480 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,000 is the future. 481 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:48,360 It really is impossible to overemphasise the importance 482 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,480 of what has been achieved here today. 483 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,800 Look at what I'm driving. 484 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,440 A big, heavy, thirsty four-wheel drive car, 485 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,520 and the only waste product is some juicy tomatoes! 486 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:09,240 GLASS SMASHES 487 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:13,040 You thought Greenpeace would save the world, but no! 488 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,680 It's Top Gear! We've done it! 489 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,960 Where's it gone? 490 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,280 APPLAUSE 491 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,400 Why are they applauding?! 492 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,680 Well done(!) I know there was a bit of glass on the runway. 493 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,280 Yeah, brilliant. Brilliant Top Gear WOULD have saved the planet, 494 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:46,080 except you smashed your greenhouse to bits. I admit, it didn't go brilliantly. But you also said 495 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:50,160 that you weren't giving out any greenhouse emissions at all. Yes. 496 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:54,480 That's rubbish cos you only had 100 tomato plants. How many tomato plants do you need 497 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,840 to get rid of the emissions from a Range Rover? 498 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,960 400,000. LAUGHTER 499 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,120 Seriously? And we've worked this out. To accommodate that many, 500 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:05,160 your greenhouse would have to be six miles long. 501 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,880 I can tell why you two aren't astronauts. Eh? 502 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:12,920 Who here has seen Apollo 13? Yeah? You know what I'm on about. 503 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:17,920 That bit when Houston telephones the astronauts in the spacecraft 504 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:23,280 because carbon dioxide is building up and they need to build something to get rid of it. Remember? 505 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:27,440 Yes? Good. These two would go, "We're a bit cold and frightened!" 506 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,800 Whereas I am Commander Jim Lovell. 507 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,480 I didn't give up after my greenhouse failure. 508 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:38,640 I came back, rolled up my sleeves and came up with another idea. 509 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,960 Oh, God! If you fire up the Jag, right? 510 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,840 ENGINE STARTS What we've got is a gasometer. 511 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,320 And its prong is up that exhaust. What it's telling me 512 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:53,200 is that 15% of the gas 513 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,560 coming out of this exhaust pipe 514 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,480 is carbon dioxide. Come here and verify that for me. 515 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,320 It's actually 14.5%, yes? OK, yeah. Yeah. 516 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:05,320 Right. Take the prong out 517 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:09,080 because, on this side, on THIS tailpipe, I've modified it. 518 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:13,600 Got tubes feeding into this Apollo 13 homemade filter... 519 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:18,160 LAUGHTER ..which is full of lime soda crystals, 520 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:23,560 which are used to absorb the carbon dioxide in those huge Australian mines, OK? 521 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,680 We're gonna pop the prong in the top because the gas is going down there, 522 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,960 through the crystals, out of there. Let's have a look 523 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:33,440 at how much carbon dioxide THAT'S producing... 524 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,760 It's none. What, nothing?! NONE?! 525 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:42,000 Absolutely NO carbon dioxide is coming out of that car. 526 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,120 Wow! APPLAUSE 527 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:54,320 Now, I know we have a reputation on Top Gear for cocking about, OK? 528 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,440 But on this occasion, we aren't. 529 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,480 This is not a Toyota Prius or a stupid G-Wiz, 530 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,840 it's got a 5 litre, supercharged V8, 531 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:05,320 and all that's coming out of this tailpipe 532 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:07,920 is nitrogen and oxygen, which is...? 533 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:11,400 Air. Hang on a sec. What? These little rocks of yours. 534 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,960 Yes. They absorb carbon dioxide? They absorb it, yes. 535 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:19,040 So, how far can you go before they get all clogged up and can't absorb any more? 536 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:20,720 On a motorway... 537 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:23,200 six miles. LAUGHTER 538 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:27,320 With something that size. How much does it cost for a new box of rocks? 539 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:29,440 £75. Oh, God! 540 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,400 I know. Barnes Wallis had setbacks, 541 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:37,360 but he persevered, and I'm sure, if science can make genetically-modified wheat, 542 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,080 they can make those absorb more. I really do think 543 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,640 that we're onto something here. 544 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,720 Shall I go and work on it? Yes, go and work on it 545 00:34:45,720 --> 00:34:50,240 because it is now time to put a star...in our reasonably priced car. 546 00:34:50,240 --> 00:34:53,760 We're often criticised by politicians and newspapers 547 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:56,000 for being sexist on this programme. 548 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,760 Well, tonight we answer those critics because my guest is a girl. 549 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:03,760 And a dead fit one! Ladies and gentlemen, Sienna Miller! 550 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,360 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 551 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,600 Hello! 552 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:12,360 How are you? I'm good. Have a seat. 553 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,400 I like that - "Yeah!" 554 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,600 This is momentous stuff. 555 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,480 Even as we speak, James May is out the back 556 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,560 looking up in his dictionary what "girl" means. 557 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:30,160 Yes, he is. Now, you weren't actually born to be in theatre, you were born... 558 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:36,160 IN a theatre. Literally? Literally. Mum went into labour in the Nutcracker Suite in New York, 559 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:39,200 and stayed, throughout the labour, to finish the show. 560 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,200 So you were born in... That makes you an Americanista. Well, both. 561 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,200 My mum's English, my dad's American, so I have two passports. 562 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:49,000 You went to boarding school in England. I did. 563 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,160 I heard that while you were there... 564 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:55,400 Oh, God. How can I put this? You got into trouble for doing things with a rabbit. 565 00:35:55,400 --> 00:36:00,280 Oh, my sweet Lord! I did not do anything personally with a rabbit, 566 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:05,720 I got another rabbit to do something to another rabbit to get baby rabbits. And it worked! 567 00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:08,920 They really do do it like rabbits! Fair enough. 568 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:13,240 So you went into films, obviously. Yes. Having been born in theatre. 569 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:16,480 Most of them, let's be honest, have been quite brainy, quite Channel 4. 570 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:21,000 To you, boring - just say it. No, I liked Layer Cake, that bit... 571 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,440 Oh, God! Yeah. You remember the bit in Layer Cake? 572 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:25,520 AUDIENCE: Yes! 573 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:30,360 That was a long time ago, it's all gone tits up since then - or tits down! 574 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 575 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,440 I can't believe I just said that! 576 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:37,600 You see... Oh, God. 577 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:41,600 You say that, but your new film, which is called GI... GI Joe. 578 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:46,200 GI Joe. That's not sort of cerebral at all. No. Everything blows up. 579 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:50,000 Lots of guns, leather. It's perfect for Top Gear. Leather? Yes. 580 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:51,360 Really? 581 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:58,080 Normally we don't show clips, but on this occasion, I think 582 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,280 we can struggle into doing that. Let's have a look. 583 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,200 We're running out of time! Eject! 584 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:22,840 This has only just begun. 585 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:33,640 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 586 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:41,360 Just one thing. Why did the film company send us a clip without you in it?! 587 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,840 I was in it! I had a black wig on! 588 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:48,640 Let's get this straight. This is GI Joe, who's the American equivalent of the Action Man toy. Yeah. 589 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:54,920 Well, he's not called Joe, Joe is an elite force of fighter... world protector people. 590 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,280 But I'm on the bad camp, the Cobra camp. Oh, you're a baddie? I am. 591 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,400 I understand there's a record set with it, with cars? We blew up 592 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,880 112 cars, destroyed 112 cars, which is a record. 593 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:07,480 The Blues Brothers held it before. Yeah. So, 112? Yes. 594 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,440 But you're still some way behind us. 595 00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:13,720 Probably quite far behind you! 112 every 20 minutes. I've added one to that today, 596 00:38:13,720 --> 00:38:16,640 I think, with my lap. We'll find that out later. 597 00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:20,280 Before that, though, I want to talk about fashion magazines. 598 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:25,080 They always talk about the Sienna look. We should look at what you're wearing now. It's not very exciting! 599 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:28,560 I should've brought another T-shirt for after my lap, it's quite sweaty. 600 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:33,360 Have you not changed since...? No! I didn't realise it would be that scary! It's soaking wet! 601 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,000 Pop it off if you want to. LAUGHTER 602 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,640 I say the same to the male guests. 603 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:41,600 I mean, you are a trendsetter. 604 00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:46,160 I suppose the problem is, it does make you a massive paparazzi target. 605 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,400 But I sued them all, and won! 606 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:52,800 I was the first to sue and win on harassment, so now they can't do anything. I saw two of them 607 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,120 the other day, and I ran. They were like, "We can't." And I was like... 608 00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,560 I flashed them! It was the best feeling! 609 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,880 That's fantastic! APPLAUSE 610 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:04,200 Yeah! 611 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:09,240 It's true, you really genuinely did set legal history. 612 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:11,680 I did! How bad was it for you? 613 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:16,040 Every day, probably 15 people following you everywhere. Did they chase you? 614 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:19,200 They were being mean. Shouting, "Slapper." I can handle that, 615 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,800 but kicking the car and trying to make you scared. Do they chase you in the car? 616 00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,040 Yes, did you ever have car chases? Yeah, tons. Really? Yeah. 617 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:29,600 The other night, James and Richard were leaving here, 618 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,640 and someone was beside them on the M4, taking pictures of them, 619 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:39,160 and he drove his Mini into the back of the car in front. That was a result! 620 00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:44,240 We need to talk about your driving test because I'm confused. You recently took your driving test. 621 00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:47,440 I passed my driving test last week. Just last week?! Five days ago! 622 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:50,600 APPLAUSE Thank you! Five days?! 623 00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,840 Five days. 624 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:59,120 Now, I'm very baffled because you've been driving for years. 625 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,440 No, I haven't! I found a loophole. 626 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:06,080 Which is? My father lives in the US Virgin Islands, 627 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:09,800 which is a Caribbean island, which is technically part of America. 628 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:13,360 So I got a licence there that meant I could drive in America and England 629 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:18,400 for a year, as an American. It was an interesting driving test, for sure. 630 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,040 I had to drive down the street and back. 631 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:25,040 And that's the test? Window down, he had the reggae on! 632 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,600 That's the test in the Virgin Islands! Exactly! There's a top tip 633 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:34,200 for anybody finding it a struggle to get a driving licence here! Pop over there! Slip over there. 634 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,200 So, how is your driving record? Good, bad, indifferent? 635 00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:40,720 Mm, the first time I drove, I wrote off a car, 636 00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:45,200 so not good. My best friend and her brother had a little car on a farm that they lived on, 637 00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:50,200 and I pretended I could drive, and got in it, and pushed the accelerator instead of the brakes, 638 00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:53,680 through a concrete bollard... Ditch, fence, cows out... 639 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:56,800 stuck. I had to climb out of the window covered in oil. 640 00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:00,040 And that was your first ever experience? It was. 641 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:04,880 Then you drove around the Virgin Islands, which can't have taken more than five minutes. No. 642 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:07,600 Then you took your driving test five days ago. Yes! And now you're here! 643 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:11,480 We've never had a better-qualified person, really, 644 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:15,200 to do our lap! How was it out there? Did you enjoy it? 645 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,560 It was pretty scary. I've never really driven a stick shift. 646 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:22,560 You deserve credit, genuinely, if you've never driven a manual car, 647 00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:27,440 and belting round with the Stig. Yes. Who would like to see Sienna's lap? Oh, no! 648 00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:30,800 AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's have a look at this! Oh, God! 649 00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,440 TYRES SQUEAL 650 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:35,280 Is that your first wheel spin start? Yes. 651 00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:37,240 I'm gonna nail it. 652 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:42,640 Oh, I say, that was brave! Not accurate, but brave! It looks slow! 653 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,480 No, it's not. 654 00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:48,120 Excuse my language. Oh, BLEEP! 655 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:51,880 Potty mouth! 656 00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:55,720 That's impressive, nobody's gonna complain about that. 657 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:58,240 I just passed my driving test... 658 00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,280 I really should not be doing this. 659 00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:04,520 I love the straight-out arm position. I know! 660 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,040 It looks so slow! It doesn't! 661 00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,720 It looks the same as this every week. 662 00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,680 Oh, BLEEP! 663 00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:15,440 I'm letting women down! There's nothing wrong with it! 664 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:20,560 That's quick. How will you be through the tyres...? 665 00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:23,360 Oh, my God! Mummy! 666 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,480 Holy cow! 667 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:28,840 That is fast! 668 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:31,000 You're having a crisis! 669 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:35,240 Oh, it's off again! And you held it! 670 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,960 Yes, you got it! That's it, Gambon! 671 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:42,040 And you made it across the line! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 672 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,280 That's a cracking lap! 673 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,560 Now... Oh, God! 674 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:53,560 So, where do you think, then, on the...? 675 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:57,760 It felt quite slow, watching it back. It felt so fast when I was doing it! 676 00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:01,120 I have no idea. Tell me it's good. 677 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,360 You did it, Sienna Miller, in... 678 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:05,720 one minute... 679 00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:08,760 ..forty... 680 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,880 AUDIENCE: Ooooh! 681 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,720 ..9.8 seconds! Yeah! 682 00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:17,640 That is not bad because that puts you... Oh! 683 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:21,000 What a nice place to be! 684 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:25,280 That's all right! Anything above 1 minute 50 685 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:29,640 we always say is quick. OK. I beat Gambon, that's a first. You beat Michael Gambon, Alan Davies, 686 00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:34,040 Steve Coogan. For someone who's never driven a manual car, 687 00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,640 and only been driving a week, it was amazing! 688 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,760 Thanks! Now, best of luck with your new film. Thank you. 689 00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,400 Ladies and gentlemen, Sienna Miller! Thank you! 690 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:46,680 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you! Was that all right? 691 00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:56,480 Now, tonight we are in France, 692 00:43:56,480 --> 00:44:01,040 demonstrating the virtues of rear-wheel drive with one of our Cheap Car Challenges. 693 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:06,280 When we left the action, I'd crashed into a piano, and we were on our way to a ski resort in the Alps. 694 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,240 All three of our £1,500 cars are running well, 695 00:44:09,240 --> 00:44:12,960 so none of us is in danger of needing the back-up car, a Morris Marina, 696 00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:14,360 which is a good thing, 697 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:17,720 because we're bound to break it, and the Morris Marina Owners Club 698 00:44:17,720 --> 00:44:19,840 already sort of hates us 699 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,800 and wants to kill us. 700 00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:32,960 All is perfect aboard the mighty Nissan. 701 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,640 All was perfect in the Porsche too. 702 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,520 However... 703 00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,360 There's something coming out from under the bonnet. 704 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,440 Did they forecast fog in your car this morning, James? 705 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:48,640 It's like driving through a horror film. Chaps, my car's started making some really bad noises. 706 00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:50,120 Started?! 707 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:51,880 'We had to pull over.' 708 00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:56,240 # Marina... # LAUGHTER 709 00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:59,200 I wish this was smelly-vision, because you would not... 710 00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:03,520 That smell of a car. You know when a body's been in a flat for nine months 711 00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:07,640 and people ring up and say... That's a distinctive smell. ..there is a smell. 712 00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:11,640 You really think you're gonna get that going? Yeah. You're just not! 713 00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:15,600 'We decided to help... 714 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,000 'by leaving.' 715 00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:21,480 I'm just thinking, on these big foreign Top Gear cheap car challenges, 716 00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:23,680 the cars always make it. 717 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:27,080 And James won't want to be the one that lets the side down. 718 00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:37,560 I don't know if you can see this, but I've got some fairly dramatic 719 00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:41,600 wheel wobble going on here. RATTLING 720 00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:43,120 I can fix this. 721 00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,400 I can fix anything. 722 00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:53,480 'With my new mending powers, 723 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,880 'I worked out I'd lost a wheel weight.' 724 00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:59,080 How much, 5g, something like that, possibly? Goodbye, Jeremy. 725 00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:02,280 'Hammond decided to help by leaving.' 726 00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:03,680 It just needs some weight. 727 00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:07,160 Funny euros! They're like wheel weights. 728 00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:11,640 Sometimes, I amaze even myself 729 00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:12,800 with my brilliance. 730 00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:14,200 Gaffer tape them on. 731 00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:16,040 Let's go. 732 00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:19,680 It's worked! 733 00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:21,840 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 734 00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:24,320 At 60, the exact speed it was bad, 735 00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,800 it's now perfect. 736 00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:29,000 RATTLING STARTS AGAIN 737 00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,120 However, at 62... 738 00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:37,960 'At the next town, Hammond and I re-grouped to wait for May.' 739 00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:42,720 Can I just say, we've now been waiting, what, half an hour? Easy, yeah. 740 00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:44,760 Now, if it's... More, 40 minutes. 741 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:48,040 If it's 40 minutes, he must have mended the Capri. 742 00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:51,160 Because if it was ruined, he would have just got in the Marina, 743 00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:53,000 so he must be in the Capri. 744 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:56,360 'My logic was exactly 100%... 745 00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:57,400 'wrong.' 746 00:46:57,400 --> 00:47:00,200 HE'S HERE! 747 00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:03,040 Oh, God, it's Pinky and Perky! 748 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:07,200 He's failed! Let's embrace the failure. 749 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:10,720 That suits you. Thank you. It does, I'm sorry. You know we've had problems 750 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:16,080 with the Morris Marina Owners' Club? Problems?! They declared a fatwa on us! Exactly. This car... Mmm. 751 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:20,160 ..you have to understand this, belonged to the wife of the president. Right. 752 00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:26,400 Just take care of it. Your comments should be addressed to... Ahem! Why? 753 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,520 I don't want you to drive into this. This used to belong... 754 00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:33,160 to the wife of the President of... Where was it? France. ..France. 755 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:42,280 'Hammond really wasn't impressed with James' new wheels.' 756 00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:47,360 I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, 757 00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:49,800 new, creative, 758 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:55,000 hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, 759 00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:58,360 thought of, or driven to in that drab, 760 00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:03,760 dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery! 761 00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:06,800 Oh, come on, it's not so bad. 762 00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,160 Erm, it's well-equipped. 763 00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,440 No, it isn't well-equipped, to be honest, it's got one dial. 764 00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:15,520 It's tastefully upholstered. 765 00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,960 It isn't tastefully upholstered, really, it's brown. 766 00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:23,400 But the seats are velour, and look how well it's worn. 767 00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:30,040 'Soon, we began to climb into the mountains.' 768 00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:34,720 Now, look at this. We have snow. 769 00:48:34,720 --> 00:48:38,920 And if we have ice, I have the chassis to deal with it. 770 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,440 This is more like it! 771 00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:45,240 Don't tell me rear-wheel drive isn't more fun on this road. 772 00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:48,920 TYRES SCREECH 773 00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:50,520 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 774 00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:53,880 Come on, Hammond, live with this! 775 00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,200 This is brilliant. 776 00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:57,200 £1,500. 777 00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:01,600 Drives down here, hardly uses any fuel and now look at it! 778 00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:03,120 Belting up an alp. 779 00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:05,240 TYRES SCREECH 780 00:49:05,240 --> 00:49:09,320 Twisty, this is where the Morris Marina comes into its own. 781 00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:10,560 CLUNKING 782 00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:12,800 'Meanwhile, further up the road, 783 00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:15,880 'I'd had an idea.' 784 00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:19,200 Now, remember, viewers, Hammond broke my drum kit. So, 785 00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,760 as he waits down there for James to arrive... 786 00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:26,600 Oh, God! JEREMY LAUGHS 787 00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:28,600 What if it were to go down the hill? 788 00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:30,600 Very funny! 789 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:32,800 Oh, no! Oh, my God! 790 00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:36,480 Oh, I'm sorry(!) What do I do now?! 791 00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:40,360 May's here. Oh, joy! 792 00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:42,000 Did you break my drum kit? 793 00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:45,240 Yes! Have you got a cold car now? Not... 794 00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:46,480 No, not cold... 795 00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:47,920 I'm going to die! 796 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:52,320 Fantastic! Driving a car that terrible...that old. 797 00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:56,360 See his Targa roof? Yeah. LAUGHTER 798 00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:59,880 It may have fallen in the raging torrents. I've no idea how(!) 799 00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:07,320 The faster I make him drive, the colder he'll be. 800 00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:08,960 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 801 00:50:08,960 --> 00:50:10,160 That's quite cold now. 802 00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:11,960 Really very cold, in fact. 803 00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:14,720 That does mean war, I'd say. 804 00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:20,280 'As night fell, we reached Val Thorens, still wondering 805 00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:23,760 'what our final challenge might be.' 806 00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:25,720 Rear-wheel drive... 807 00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:28,480 ..on an alp. 808 00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:33,080 'The answer lay just round the next bend.' 809 00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:43,040 Is that an ice driving track? 810 00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:47,840 'It was. And the next morning, the producers had entered us 811 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,200 'for a race on it. 812 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:51,840 'However, between us and it, 813 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,760 'there was a small hill.' 814 00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:55,120 Watch this. 815 00:51:02,800 --> 00:51:05,000 Agh! 816 00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:09,880 And there he is! JEREMY LAUGHS 817 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:14,000 'Using Top Gear logic, I applied even more speed.' 818 00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:19,600 Oh, dear, no! That's not gone at all well. 819 00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:23,560 'Eventually, some locals helped us onto the track, 820 00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,280 'where we decided to get some practice.' 821 00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:29,560 Easy. 822 00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:32,040 Gentleness is the... Oh. BLEEP! 823 00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:36,640 'It was unbelievably slippery.' 824 00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:38,320 Oi! 825 00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:42,320 He's pushing me up with his wing mirror. Get off my racing line! 826 00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:47,840 You blithering idiot! Don't keep doing that to me! 827 00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:51,640 How is this racing? It's just fighting! 828 00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:54,360 It's just not racing. 829 00:51:54,360 --> 00:51:56,680 Aah! Aah! No! 830 00:51:56,680 --> 00:51:57,840 Oi, do you mind?! 831 00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,920 Oh, I'm gonna hit the Marina! 832 00:52:01,240 --> 00:52:05,280 'Ten minutes later, we stormed into the first corner.' 833 00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:07,160 Yes, I'm winning, I'm winning! 834 00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:10,400 Get out of the way! I'm not winning! 835 00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:18,280 This doesn't work. It's impossible. It's a very slow accident in slow motion. Could we get snow tyres? 836 00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,880 Yes. Spiky things. Yes. Snow tyres... 837 00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:23,360 and modify. 838 00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,400 MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team" 839 00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,320 'We were towed to the pits, where we fitted spiked tyres, 840 00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:29,600 'roll cages...' 841 00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,520 I can't drive like this. '..and because it was a race, 842 00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,560 'some sponsorship decals.' 843 00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:38,200 Oh...shit! 844 00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:39,240 I mean, bother. 845 00:52:39,240 --> 00:52:41,400 No! Does anyone have a hammer? 846 00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:47,960 'The next morning, Val Thorens basked in glorious alpine sunshine. 847 00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:54,720 'Actually, it didn't, because this is some film from the Tourist Board. For us, 848 00:52:54,720 --> 00:52:57,120 'it looked like this... 849 00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:03,360 'No matter, at least our cars, 850 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:06,240 'on their new spiked tyres, were ready for battle.' 851 00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:08,880 Check it out. 852 00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:12,920 May I look inside your car, James? Please do. It'll still be awful! 853 00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,640 Look at that! Can I say briefly, from the outside, 854 00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:19,880 it does actually look quite good. It looks quite serious. 855 00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:21,520 And then, Hammond... Yes? 856 00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:24,320 ..I can see one massive problem with your car. What? 857 00:53:24,320 --> 00:53:27,320 Ooh, dearie me! Yes. 858 00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:29,360 JAMES LAUGHS 859 00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:30,880 Look at that! Oh! 860 00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:32,960 Yes, I'm sitting in a snowdrift. 861 00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:36,480 How did you get your roll cage in, in the end? Well, work. 862 00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:41,960 I've got door bars. Oh, well, that's a very thorough set-up. It's a very thorough job. 863 00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:46,200 Now, I'm looking forward to this, because I think a Porsche will look good drifting. 864 00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:48,640 You couldn't do this with front-wheel drive. 865 00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,160 'We were feeling confident. 866 00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:57,920 'And when we saw the cars our French rivals had, that confidence grew.' 867 00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:00,720 These are all just little hatchbacks. That's a Kia. 868 00:54:00,720 --> 00:54:03,440 And a BMW 1 Series. 869 00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:07,560 I've got a V6 and a twin turbo. This is the crib sheet, right, on these cars, yes? 870 00:54:07,560 --> 00:54:10,200 They have a top speed of... 871 00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:11,440 80. 872 00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:14,480 Even your Marina can go faster than that, 80. 873 00:54:14,480 --> 00:54:19,400 And it says here, "Cars rarely exceed 50-60 mph during a race." 874 00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:24,440 Wow, look at that! I haven't got one of those. Did you fit one of those on your Marina? No. A windscreen wiper 875 00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:29,320 on the side. They're obviously expecting to go sideways... Look! ..with their wayward handling. 876 00:54:31,520 --> 00:54:34,040 'The other drivers - including a youth 877 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:37,680 'and an old bloke - didn't look like much of a threat either. 878 00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:41,320 'But then I spotted a familiar face.' 879 00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,360 Where? There. It's Olivier Panis. 880 00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:45,520 What, the designer? 881 00:54:45,520 --> 00:54:48,000 Please tell me you've heard of Olivier Panis? 882 00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:50,200 Panis is a type of Italian bread, isn't it? 883 00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:54,080 Formula One racing driver. Formula One. 884 00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:56,760 Won the Monaco Grand Prix. Oh, I knew that. Really? Won it. 885 00:54:58,240 --> 00:55:02,440 I suppose it's unfair to ask for tips when we're gonna thrash you, but... Not at all. 886 00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:05,080 ..what would you say we had to do to not hit things? 887 00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:10,960 Well, it's quite hard, because this car is four-wheel... Four-wheel drive? Drive, yeah, and turning. 888 00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:15,160 The rear-wheel also turning... Oh. ..it means to turn the car much quicker. 889 00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:16,320 Like yours. Yeah. 890 00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:20,480 It's very, very sporting of you to let us bring Porsche, Nissan 300ZX. 891 00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:25,640 Much more powerful cars. And the Morris. And the Morris. It's like bringing, well, longbows 892 00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:26,920 to a bow and arrow fight. 893 00:55:26,920 --> 00:55:32,520 Yeah, it is, thank you. I thought you were gonna say something really inappropriate then. I did wonder! 894 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:35,840 I mentioned Agincourt once, but I think I got away with it. 895 00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,600 'With our romper suits on, 896 00:55:41,600 --> 00:55:44,720 'we lined up for the ten-lap race.' 897 00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:49,040 I cannot believe I'm in a race with Olivier Panis, 898 00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:51,480 France's second best racing driver. 899 00:55:53,240 --> 00:55:57,680 Quite often, racers find it difficult when they get too hot. 900 00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,560 This won't happen today. 901 00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:05,760 Here's my plan. I'm gonna take the one in front on the left-hand side, 902 00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:09,960 cut across to the right, then I'll be alongside Panis for the first tight right-hander. 903 00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:13,880 He's bound to swing left, they all do that in Formula One. 904 00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:16,000 I'm going right. That'll surprise him. 905 00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:23,760 Here I go! 906 00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,680 We're off! 907 00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:29,080 They may have got away from us a bit there. How did they do that?! 908 00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:35,840 'It turned out they weren't crummy hatchbacks. 909 00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:39,720 'They were mid-engine rocket ships. 910 00:56:39,720 --> 00:56:43,000 'So immediately, we were lapped...' 911 00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:44,400 Oh, God! 912 00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:45,560 Oh, God! 913 00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:47,280 Sorry! 914 00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:50,920 '..and then immediately, we were lapped again.' 915 00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:52,200 HELP! 916 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,360 How many other cars...? HELP...ME! 917 00:56:55,360 --> 00:57:00,320 'This wasn't Agincourt, this was the Battle of Hastings.' 918 00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,080 He's taken me. 919 00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:03,200 He's taken me. 920 00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:04,840 He's taken me as well. 921 00:57:06,320 --> 00:57:07,800 That's right, put me in there. 922 00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:12,160 No, no, really, help yourself(!) We're being humiliated! 923 00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:15,720 You...cheese-eating... 924 00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:17,600 sideways monkeys! 925 00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:22,480 Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying. 926 00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:24,160 What is this shitbox?! 927 00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:26,280 What is this car? 928 00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:28,320 A Morris. 929 00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:30,760 Ow! Ow! 930 00:57:33,480 --> 00:57:36,440 'Soon, it became clear there were two races going on. 931 00:57:36,440 --> 00:57:39,040 'One for people who'd brought the right tools 932 00:57:39,040 --> 00:57:41,960 'and one for those who WERE tools.' 933 00:57:43,320 --> 00:57:45,760 I can't see a bloody thing! 934 00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:48,720 Argh! I pulled my own glove off! 935 00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:51,360 Try a Scandinavian flick. 936 00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:52,880 No! 937 00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:55,600 No! Oh, what the... BLEEP ?! 938 00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:03,480 OK, that's them going past. That was that Oliver man again. 939 00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:08,480 I'm being lapped again! 940 00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:14,400 'To make matters worse, Hammond had turned our race into a grudge match.' 941 00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,000 No! What the hell?! 942 00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:23,280 Ha-ha-ha! That's for throwing my roof away, you fool! You're going off. 943 00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:25,600 You're going off. No! 944 00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:28,440 No! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 945 00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:32,440 'Unfortunately... 946 00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:36,360 '..as we knocked seven bells out of each other...' 947 00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:38,400 Sorry, mate. What are you doing? 948 00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:41,560 Why are you doing this to me?! Ha-ha! 949 00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:44,280 '..James was sneaking up from the rear.' 950 00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:45,560 Power. 951 00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,040 Power. 952 00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:48,520 What there is of it. 953 00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:49,800 He's got me back. 954 00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:51,680 Whoa! 955 00:58:52,840 --> 00:58:54,560 May's got us! 956 00:58:54,560 --> 00:58:56,360 That's a pass for the Marina! 957 00:58:57,920 --> 00:58:59,880 You stupid idiot, Hammond! 958 00:58:59,880 --> 00:59:03,400 'At this point, the French race finished. 959 00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:07,480 'And with them out of the way, I set off after May.' 960 00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:10,520 Right, come on, must be able to catch a Marina. 961 00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:13,440 Nice and smooth and straight. Where's the corner? 962 00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:14,760 There he is. 963 00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:17,120 May is in my sight. 964 00:59:17,120 --> 00:59:21,000 'I now had less than a lap to get past.' 965 00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,360 Don't hit him! 966 00:59:23,360 --> 00:59:26,040 Morris extremists will come if I hit him. 967 00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:31,120 I hope you're watching this, wife of the President of...France! 968 00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:35,920 I don't believe it, May's going to win! 969 00:59:37,120 --> 00:59:38,560 It's the flag! 970 00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:43,200 Surely not, not the Marina?! 971 00:59:45,680 --> 00:59:47,600 I'm gonna have to kill myself! 972 00:59:54,240 --> 00:59:56,160 Ah... 973 00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:59,040 I believe I won. Hammond, you idiot! What?! 974 00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:03,200 You threw my roof away, and as a result, the inside of my windscreen froze up. 975 01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:07,160 Every time I went round a corner, there was this wildly fishtailing Datsun! 976 01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:12,360 Every time I went smoothly round a corner, there was some idiot in a multi-blue Porsche ramming me 977 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:16,880 and sticking me in the ditch! I believe this is what's know as racing drivers' excuses, isn't it? 978 01:00:16,880 --> 01:00:22,080 No, I'll tell you what I believe. What? I believe that as a result of our... Erm, exuberance. 979 01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:23,960 ..revenge... Yes. 980 01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:25,560 ..we must now conclude 981 01:00:25,560 --> 01:00:28,080 that the best rear-wheel drive car 982 01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,840 that money can buy is the Morris Marina! 983 01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:32,640 Yes! And do you know what? What? 984 01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:36,680 I think the Morris Marina Owners' Club are gonna be thrilled with that. 985 01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:41,320 I think it will finally make amends. They'll forgive us. They will, finally! Finally. 986 01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:51,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 987 01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:57,280 What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?! 988 01:00:57,280 --> 01:01:03,560 We're gonna be killed and eaten by Morrismen! Look, we did explain in the last series that we're based 989 01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:07,360 next to an air-freight piano removal company. Absolutely. 990 01:01:07,360 --> 01:01:11,040 They're called Careless Air. Yes. And now, they have a French sister company 991 01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:17,520 called Piano Avion Malheureusement. Yes, I read about that in Helicopter News - they're based in Val Thorens. 992 01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:22,200 Exactly. So, if you're watching, Carla Bruni, OK, wife of the President of France, 993 01:01:22,200 --> 01:01:26,320 it wasn't our fault your Marina got broken. No. And now, gentlemen, 994 01:01:26,320 --> 01:01:28,760 if I might make a suggestion... 995 01:01:28,760 --> 01:01:31,880 run! Yeah, good one. See you next week, everyone! Bye! Bye! 996 01:01:45,040 --> 01:01:48,080 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 997 01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:51,120 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk