1 00:00:15,605 --> 00:00:16,660 Tonight I wear some gogggles 2 00:00:16,695 --> 00:00:17,715 Richard falls down a small slope 3 00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:19,790 And James Says hello to a man 4 00:00:19,825 --> 00:00:21,090 All right, mate? 5 00:00:28,050 --> 00:00:30,990 hello, hello, good evening, thank you erverybody. 6 00:00:31,025 --> 00:00:33,295 thank you,thank you 7 00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:39,280 Now as we kown the real world where we all live if full of dreary cars, 8 00:00:39,315 --> 00:00:43,590 like the Renault Scenic and the Toyota... whatever this is. 9 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,475 Which is why, in the fantasy world that is Top Gear, 10 00:00:48,510 --> 00:00:51,300 we prefer to feature things that are a bit more exciting, 11 00:00:51,335 --> 00:00:54,110 a bit more dinosaurish. 12 00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:02,360 Our track... 13 00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:09,450 .. it's the natural home of the quad cam 84 litre carnivore. 14 00:01:09,485 --> 00:01:12,687 From the massive Murcielago 15 00:01:12,722 --> 00:01:15,890 to the agile Ariel Raptor 16 00:01:15,925 --> 00:01:17,435 we have them all. 17 00:01:17,470 --> 00:01:20,400 We even have a keeper capable of taming them. 18 00:01:22,490 --> 00:01:27,140 The Top Gear test track? It's Jurassic Park! 19 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,050 This week, though, there are no T Rexes. There are no raptors. 20 00:01:32,085 --> 00:01:36,217 There are none of those... Pssp!.. spitty things. 21 00:01:36,252 --> 00:01:40,350 This week, Top Gear has gone all Springwatch. 22 00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:48,260 This is the new BMW Z4. 23 00:01:48,295 --> 00:01:50,610 It's not mid-engined. 24 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,890 It isn't a fire-breathing monster that runs on brimstone and baby owls. 25 00:01:56,925 --> 00:02:00,370 It's just a common-or-garden sports car. 26 00:02:00,405 --> 00:02:02,035 I didn't like the old Z4. 27 00:02:02,070 --> 00:02:06,460 I though it was too ugly and mostly driven by people 28 00:02:06,495 --> 00:02:10,370 who spent their evenings wife swapping. 29 00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:12,665 Do you know why I thought that 30 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,570 It just whenever I thought that someone with Z4, I thought those car keys 31 00:02:16,605 --> 00:02:20,572 I bet them spend less time in the ignition 32 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:24,505 and they doing a pot round at Muriel's house. 33 00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:28,870 Given the choice, I would have bought a Mercedes SLK instead. 34 00:02:28,905 --> 00:02:31,260 In fact,I did. 35 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,575 This, however, is the new Z4. 36 00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:41,220 While it may not be much of a looker with the new aluminium roof up 37 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,880 It is fantastic with it down 38 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:51,345 it is sort of Uma Thurman-ish 39 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:55,610 Perfect,But you Can't really explain why. 40 00:02:55,645 --> 00:02:59,840 It's the same story with the interior 41 00:03:00,490 --> 00:03:02,690 It's very different to any other car 42 00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:05,980 and that's good but so's this! 43 00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:12,175 That long, priapic bonnet 44 00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:15,130 houses a 3-litre engine which is boosted 45 00:03:15,165 --> 00:03:17,590 by two turbo chargers. 46 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:24,450 Actually it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos. 47 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,440 It feels like a pair of testes. 48 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:31,120 Big, meaty ones! 49 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,815 Obviously it's not a raptor 50 00:03:34,850 --> 00:03:41,050 but since I'm now doing 140 mph... 51 00:03:41,085 --> 00:03:42,350 it's not a cow either. 52 00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:49,430 The best thing about this car, though, 53 00:03:49,465 --> 00:03:51,750 is how it feels to drive. 54 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,095 The old Z4 was too hard. 55 00:03:55,130 --> 00:03:58,530 Getting in to it after a hard day at work was like getting home 56 00:03:58,565 --> 00:04:02,220 and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris. 57 00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:04,785 This one, though, 58 00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:08,550 they've done what Lotus did with the Evora and Jaguar with the XF - 59 00:04:08,585 --> 00:04:10,370 they've softened it down. 60 00:04:10,405 --> 00:04:12,030 It's nice! 61 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,410 Don't think however it's become a hopeless wallowing herbivore. 62 00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:31,900 That intrinsic BMW-ness is still there. 63 00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:35,210 It's got that wonderful sense that when you turn into a corner, 64 00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:39,880 that the whole car is pivoting around your hips. 65 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,090 Who'd have thought I'd come right down the food chain this week? 66 00:04:44,125 --> 00:04:45,800 I'm in Kate Humble's hedge 67 00:04:45,835 --> 00:04:47,820 And I'm loving it! 68 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:59,610 Today, I'd buy a Z4 over a Mercedes SLK in a heartbeat. 69 00:04:59,645 --> 00:05:01,975 In fact, I'd rather have one of these 70 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:05,930 than almost any of the Top Gear dinosaurs. 71 00:05:05,965 --> 00:05:08,920 It is THAT GOOD! 72 00:05:12,230 --> 00:05:16,885 'Before we move on though, there is another new car 73 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,000 'in the Springwatch section of Top Gear's wildlife park. ' 74 00:05:20,035 --> 00:05:23,082 (Look! Look! There it is. 75 00:05:23,117 --> 00:05:26,095 (That is a brown Datsun. 76 00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:28,625 (I realise, of course, that you might think... 77 00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:33,840 (that here in the whole world of pterodactyls and peacocks 78 00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,730 I'm hanging its tail out. 79 00:05:48,910 --> 00:05:57,340 I'm revelling... in the short wheelbase, the taut rear drive chassis. 80 00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:05,840 I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING 326 horsepower! 81 00:06:10,610 --> 00:06:14,020 Eat my exhaust fumes dinosaur! 82 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:21,780 This is the new Nissan 370Z GT... 83 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:27,320 a shortened, more powerful version of the old 350. 84 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:33,085 Prices start at 27,000 and that makes it very cheap 85 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:38,090 especially when you look at all the equipment it has. 86 00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:45,880 I've even got something called a "SynchroRev Match system". 87 00:06:45,915 --> 00:06:51,135 So, In the 4th Gear, Yes, wanna change to The 2nd 88 00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:54,960 You hear that, it revs the engine, SO the Right speed match the revs 89 00:06:54,995 --> 00:06:58,285 Make the change smoother. 90 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:03,520 That's very simple and very clever. - I like that. 91 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:10,790 as a heart starter, this thing eats the BMW for breakfast. 92 00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:15,295 It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kickoff. 93 00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:19,170 It's a lot more... exciting as well somehow. 94 00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:25,325 And even this GT version, 95 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,720 with leather seats and the rev-o-matic gearbox, 96 00:07:28,755 --> 00:07:33,510 is five-and-a-bit thousand pounds cheaper. 97 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:39,250 THIS is a RACING hen! 98 00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:44,330 There is just one problem with it however. 99 00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,290 It's very nasty. 100 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,975 It's fine here on the track 101 00:07:51,010 --> 00:07:55,230 but on the road, it's so hard and harsh. 102 00:07:55,265 --> 00:07:58,885 It's also very noise 103 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,985 And it's not a nice noise, either. 104 00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:07,095 I would rather listen to my own firing squad. 105 00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:11,470 The worst thing about this car though, is that if you had one, 106 00:08:11,505 --> 00:08:14,260 you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party. 107 00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:20,360 People would think you're a bit... Oddy. 108 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,325 but, this, I love it 109 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:34,455 honestly, if somebody says to me 110 00:08:34,490 --> 00:08:36,925 you have to have to one of these for the rest of your life," 111 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,610 I Would be delighted. Yes, It's great,I Like... It's brilliant car 112 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,490 however we must now find out how fast this, 113 00:08:41,525 --> 00:08:43,965 and indeed the hen go round our track, 114 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,680 which of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver. 115 00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:54,490 Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous... 116 00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:04,630 .. and that recently pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu". 117 00:09:04,665 --> 00:09:08,850 All we know is he's highly contagious. 118 00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:14,340 And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable. 119 00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:18,402 The Nissan is loud and aggressive, the BMW more day-to-day 120 00:09:18,437 --> 00:09:22,430 but they both look tidy through the first corner there. 121 00:09:22,465 --> 00:09:24,770 Yep, no problems at all. 122 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:34,460 Oh, dear, it sounds like two sets of bagpipe music there. 123 00:09:34,495 --> 00:09:38,085 Hard to tell really with bagpipes. Anyway... 124 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,175 we're round Chicago nicely. Coming up to Hammerhead. 125 00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:46,210 Looks the BMW might be having a bit- of understeer there. Yes, it is! 126 00:09:46,245 --> 00:09:48,245 But at least he's OK with the gear change 127 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:53,910 cos the Stig's in the automatic which BMW say is actually faster. 128 00:09:58,730 --> 00:10:02,230 So It's the Datsun got there, Follow-Through. 129 00:10:02,265 --> 00:10:04,650 My word! Now the BMW's got an oversteer! 130 00:10:04,685 --> 00:10:06,545 I've never seen that there before! 131 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:09,890 The Nissan has no problem at all. Two corners left. 132 00:10:09,925 --> 00:10:12,432 The BMW kicking out its tail again! 133 00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:14,905 The Nissan rather boring in comparison. 134 00:10:14,940 --> 00:10:17,870 But... Yes, now look at it! It's showboating! And there they go! 135 00:10:17,905 --> 00:10:21,020 Across the line! 136 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:29,805 Mmm? Now... here we have the Nissan,- look. 137 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:34,840 The Nissan did it in 1 minute 27.5 and the BMW... 138 00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:37,692 1 minute 28.2. 139 00:10:37,727 --> 00:10:40,475 So that goes... 140 00:10:40,510 --> 00:10:42,795 there. So what we're saying here, 141 00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:47,355 really, is, er, buy the BMW because it's slower, 142 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:52,490 less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped. 143 00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:55,205 And now the news. And the big news this week - 144 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,955 the government wants to put up signs on the motorway 145 00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:01,955 telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out 146 00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:06,085 and swap their car for publictransport which is kind of puzzling. 147 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,320 cos why would you, when you're in the car already,- would you just stop 148 00:11:09,355 --> 00:11:11,035 and then get on a train? I don't know. 149 00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,775 It's like going to the cinema and a sign says, " 150 00:11:13,810 --> 00:11:16,480 "Have you thought about reading a book?" Yes! 151 00:11:16,515 --> 00:11:18,247 It's too late. I'm in the cinema! 152 00:11:18,282 --> 00:11:19,945 What are the signs going to say? 153 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,840 "Don't need to be on time or near where you actully want to go? 154 00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:25,385 "The railway station is next left. "- 155 00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:27,875 "Something missing from your daily commute?" 156 00:11:27,910 --> 00:11:29,830 Yes, a foul smell from a stranger sitting next to me. 157 00:11:29,865 --> 00:11:31,725 Is that what they intend for us to do? 158 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:36,180 I tell you what. You know the Government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people 159 00:11:36,215 --> 00:11:39,790 are going to be laid waste by swine flu? What they ought to be telling us 160 00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:45,065 is under no circumstances use public transport. 161 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,165 That's the point. You're right. The funny thing is... 162 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,860 swine flu is getting a bad press. Well... Have you noticed? 163 00:11:50,895 --> 00:11:54,485 You see? It is. They're saying it's bad for the economy 164 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,645 because no-one will buy anything and there'll be a lot of absenteeism 165 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:02,680 but look at it this way, parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find. 166 00:12:02,715 --> 00:12:03,885 That's a good point. 167 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:08,760 Now, you know I've been saying for years, and years that Porsches are getting uglier - 168 00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,355 Cayman, Cayenne, "coxter" 169 00:12:10,390 --> 00:12:12,030 and that thing you were driving the other day, the Panamera? Yeah. I've... 170 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:16,035 I've worked out why they're now so ugly. OK? 171 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:21,050 I've got a photograph of the managing director of Lamborghini. What do you think of him? 172 00:12:21,085 --> 00:12:25,332 He looks like a male model. Look it is. He's absolutely magnificent to behold. 173 00:12:25,367 --> 00:12:29,580 I've got a photograph also of the managing director of Ferrari. more than that 174 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,092 He runs Fiat. Look at that. 175 00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:32,570 Dashing. Dashing and glamorous. 176 00:12:32,605 --> 00:12:33,575 I've also got a photograph 177 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:37,740 of the man who runs Porsche. Here he is. 178 00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:40,865 If he likes that moustache, 179 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:44,255 which he does cos he's grown it on his own face, 180 00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:47,675 that would explain why he looked at the Panamera and went, 181 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:51,060 "Yes! That's a good-looking car. We should make that. " 182 00:12:51,095 --> 00:12:53,515 On a sort of serious motoring note, 183 00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:57,880 it is rumoured, this is business, that VW might buy Porsche. 184 00:12:57,915 --> 00:12:59,000 That bodes well 185 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:02,450 cos VW can make a good-looking car - a good-looking sports car. In fact, remarkably, 186 00:13:02,485 --> 00:13:03,715 there's one in the studio! 187 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:07,285 It's over there. It's the VW BlueSport. Now that's mid-engined. 188 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,630 It's got a two-litre diesel engine in it to start. They'll put petrol in later. 189 00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:11,915 There's a 60 percent chance they'll make it 190 00:13:11,950 --> 00:13:17,905 about two years. It's worth having a look at. 191 00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:19,830 "The great thing about that It's not very practical. 192 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:22,157 "It's got a diesel engine,"you know all of these 193 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:24,415 but it's incredibly beautiful and, as a result, 194 00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:28,380 I would like to buy one. Now... there's a new Range Rover. 195 00:13:28,415 --> 00:13:30,465 We had it in the studio last week, OK? 196 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:31,840 It's got a new bumper and a new engine. That's not important. 197 00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:33,125 what is important, OK?- 198 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,200 is it's got cameras in its head lamps. looking forward 199 00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:37,767 One on the back looking backwards 200 00:13:37,802 --> 00:13:39,300 And two on either side looking down. 201 00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:41,900 yes, these are so when you're off-roading you can see like tree stumps 202 00:13:41,935 --> 00:13:44,455 and bears that might be in your way 203 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,820 That's right,These You feed the picture to your screen. Ok, your SAT screen, 204 00:13:46,855 --> 00:13:50,660 But it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road. 205 00:13:50,695 --> 00:13:52,312 and you've got all different cameras on there 206 00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:53,895 yes, it's honestly, you are sitting there. 207 00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:57,340 You've got five different feeds coming in but you can choose which one you want. 208 00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:58,750 which like you're being sport director in Wimbledon, 209 00:13:58,785 --> 00:14:00,855 wow, choosing which one you want, 210 00:14:00,890 --> 00:14:03,630 yes, you think coming up to crest of the hill, that one, yeah, nice, then reverse 211 00:14:03,665 --> 00:14:05,920 and you get the back view on, put you foot on, 212 00:14:05,955 --> 00:14:08,185 you got exhaust look, it fantistic. 213 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,685 Isn't it a bit distractive? Oh god, it's unbelievable 214 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,115 You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days 215 00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:18,770 but now you can direct Ben Hur while you're going along the road 216 00:14:18,805 --> 00:14:21,475 it's just... I haven't even got to the best bit because... 217 00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:25,850 got into London that other day, go on Holland Park a very pretty girl in the car behind. 218 00:14:25,885 --> 00:14:26,965 yeah very pretty 219 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,215 Switched to rear camera... 220 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,785 .. and then I found you can zoom in 221 00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:35,320 on parts of the girl in the car behind! 222 00:14:35,355 --> 00:14:36,895 So it's got lech-o-matic? 223 00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:42,760 And the traffic lights goes like RED,GREEN,RED,GREEN and I went like... 224 00:14:42,795 --> 00:14:45,405 It was just FANTASTIC! 225 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:52,210 Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming. 226 00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:53,725 Last time this happened, 227 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,415 the Morris Marina Owners Club, 228 00:14:55,450 --> 00:14:58,980 which is like the provisional wing of the Morris men, 229 00:14:59,015 --> 00:15:02,135 were absolutely furious. They went berserk. 230 00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:04,575 There's been a lot of internet activity on the Morris chatroom. 231 00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:11,890 "I'm going to send an email to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it!" 232 00:15:11,925 --> 00:15:14,060 Now that's what they said last time, OK? 233 00:15:14,095 --> 00:15:15,985 This time it's getting worse. 234 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,415 They said they'd get physical. I'm quoting now. 235 00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:20,810 One of them says, and I'm not making this up, 236 00:15:20,845 --> 00:15:24,055 "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, 237 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,380 I will poo into my hand and throw it at him. " 238 00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:31,675 What?! They'll poo into their own hand?! 239 00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:35,360 What a stupid way of getting someone. It's like an assassin lining up on the target 240 00:15:35,395 --> 00:15:38,620 and shooting them through his own head! 241 00:15:38,655 --> 00:15:39,475 It's revolting. 242 00:15:39,510 --> 00:15:44,080 The thing is, last week when we were making the film you probably saw out in France, 243 00:15:44,115 --> 00:15:48,190 there was doubt as to who actually owned the car that you ended up driving. 244 00:15:48,225 --> 00:15:51,050 Was it the wife of the president of- the Morris Marina Owners Club 245 00:15:51,085 --> 00:15:53,885 or was the wife of the President of France 246 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,925 who is of course it's Carla Bruni? That was cleared up this week 247 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:01,100 because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York 248 00:16:01,135 --> 00:16:05,050 Where she sang a song which clears everything up 249 00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:31,880 Now we know. You're history. 250 00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:42,030 Now, we are constantly being told, mostly by people who wear slacks, 251 00:16:42,065 --> 00:16:45,890 that classic cars are more fun than modern ones. < Yes! 252 00:16:45,925 --> 00:16:48,105 There was a yes over there. The thing is, though, 253 00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:51,655 we weren't sure. So the producers gave each of us GBP 3,000 254 00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:55,135 and told us to go to a classic car auction in King's Lynn 255 00:16:55,170 --> 00:17:00,970 which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world. 256 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,170 They said we could buy anything we wanted as long as it was built before 1982 257 00:17:06,205 --> 00:17:09,435 and then, when we had cars, there would not 258 00:17:09,470 --> 00:17:12,770 be the usual series of small challenges but one big one. 259 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,680 'After a 2,000 mile drive, we arrived... 260 00:17:16,715 --> 00:17:19,570 'at the wrong place 261 00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:21,825 'and then the right one 262 00:17:21,860 --> 00:17:24,370 'where, inside the shed... ' All right, mate? 263 00:17:24,405 --> 00:17:27,040 '.. there were many cars to choose from. ' 264 00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:30,925 "The Teesside Yesteryear Motor Club. " 265 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:35,820 How much do I not want to go out for dinner with anyone who's a member of that 266 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,535 Yeah, a '68 Daimler. 267 00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:46,620 It's V8 but a tiny capacity so a busy little engine and too expensive unless it goes cheap. 268 00:17:46,655 --> 00:17:47,970 You never know. 269 00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:52,435 'As the start time neared, we took our seats. ' 270 00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:55,335 This is the first time I've ever been to a car auction. 271 00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:58,165 It's fantastically exciting. We could leave with anything. 272 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,540 At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind, 273 00:18:02,575 --> 00:18:05,560 bidding for signed rugby balls. Those are charity auctions. 274 00:18:08,260 --> 00:18:09,605 Ladies and gentlemen, 275 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,710 we will now get the first car in. Here we go. Here we go. 276 00:18:11,745 --> 00:18:13,805 Here we go. What is that? 277 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:18,795 A London taxi. A Lanchester LJ 200. 278 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,920 "1953. No documents. Condition - three. " No documents 279 00:18:22,955 --> 00:18:25,530 Who'll start me? 500? Quickly! 280 00:18:25,565 --> 00:18:27,675 500? 500, thank you, sir. 281 00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:30,810 500, I'm bid. What are you doing?! I'm getting on with it. 282 00:18:30,845 --> 00:18:32,305 It's the first one. 283 00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:36,185 I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire. 700, I'm bid. 284 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:40,030 At 700. I'm going ugly early. Go in, get the first one you can. 285 00:18:40,065 --> 00:18:42,130 1,000 bid. It's a car. I'm after it. 286 00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:44,730 At GBP1,000. Give it to me. 287 00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:45,745 Thank you, sir. 288 00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:52,070 That's mine. You bought it?! madman! Look at the back of it 289 00:18:52,105 --> 00:18:55,335 What do you mean "go ugly early"? You go in... 290 00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:58,240 I did it in nightclubs. When I was in Ripon, you'd walk in 291 00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:01,075 and the first girl that's breathing you go to her and go, 292 00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:04,030 "Hi, love,how are you doing?" You've pulled. That is. Job's done 293 00:19:04,065 --> 00:19:06,620 Your mates who think that in a minute Ursula Andress 294 00:19:06,655 --> 00:19:09,220 is going to turn up, and she didn't, are stuck. 295 00:19:09,255 --> 00:19:12,180 'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina. ' 296 00:19:12,215 --> 00:19:13,345 Bang on. Bang on. 297 00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:16,650 On my right, 220. 220. 240. 260. 280? 280. 298 00:19:16,685 --> 00:19:18,705 300. At 320. 320... 299 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,990 I bid! You did. You're still in it. 300 00:19:21,025 --> 00:19:22,555 .. 420. 440... 301 00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:24,995 I'm not sure. I want a convertible. 302 00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:28,560 Oh, have it! If you chicken out now,- you won't get it. 303 00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:30,435 Go on! Come on! 304 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:31,795 .. 530. Quickly! 540. 305 00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:33,340 No, I'm hanging on. I'm hanging on. 306 00:19:34,930 --> 00:19:38,460 'Several terrible cars came and went. ' 307 00:19:38,495 --> 00:19:39,845 What the hell's this? 308 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,665 It's an Austin Seven. I'm not interested. 309 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:45,450 'Then, finally, a convertible arrived. ' 310 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,305 Hang on. 2,000 bid. 311 00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:50,510 'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad. ' 312 00:19:50,545 --> 00:19:51,917 2,400. 2,500. 313 00:19:51,952 --> 00:19:53,236 2,600. 2,900. 314 00:19:53,271 --> 00:19:54,485 At 2,900. 315 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,665 3,000 bid. 316 00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:57,135 At 3,000. At 3,000. 317 00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:59,850 3,100. 3,200. You're making a mistake. 318 00:19:59,885 --> 00:20:02,760 What are you doing? 3,400. 3,500. 319 00:20:02,795 --> 00:20:04,390 Yes! 3,600. 320 00:20:04,425 --> 00:20:06,285 222. 321 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:11,005 Have you thought, "Holy BLEEP!" I've just bought THAT! 322 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:17,330 How much have I paid for it? GBP 3,600. I've got 600 of my own money in that?! Yes, sir. 323 00:20:17,365 --> 00:20:19,175 Oh, my God, what have I done? 324 00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:21,845 'Well, at least he'd done something 325 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,900 'unlike James, who, as car after car went by... ' 326 00:20:25,935 --> 00:20:27,075 Bid. No. 327 00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:29,065 '.. still refused to buy. ' 328 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,735 You will see. my patience will be rewarded. 329 00:20:31,770 --> 00:20:34,890 Spitfire Sports... Come on, James, you must bid here. No, I don't. 330 00:20:34,925 --> 00:20:38,270 James, it's in budget. You like the colour. 331 00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:39,555 Bid! Bid! 332 00:20:39,590 --> 00:20:43,200 'James was being so stubborn, I decided to bid on his behalf. ' 333 00:20:43,235 --> 00:20:45,625 1,450. 1,500. 334 00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:51,005 Did you just bid on that, you halfwit? Yes. 335 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,800 James, I'm warning you, if you don't buy something in a minute... 336 00:20:54,835 --> 00:20:57,065 This is mine. It's a Bristol, 337 00:20:57,100 --> 00:21:00,530 but it's got the wrong engine so it's not worth much. Watch this. 338 00:21:00,565 --> 00:21:04,520 Someone start me 5,000. 5,000 bid. At 5,200. 339 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,875 5,400, 5,600... 340 00:21:05,910 --> 00:21:08,330 That's you stuffed, then, isn't it? We're out. 341 00:21:08,365 --> 00:21:09,822 6,200, 6,400... 342 00:21:09,857 --> 00:21:11,245 I wanted that. 343 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:15,700 7,000... So, Captain Cautious, what are you gonna do now? 344 00:21:15,735 --> 00:21:18,455 You're starting now to look like you're in trouble. 345 00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:23,100 There's plenty more stuff coming through. We're now coming up to the last lot. 346 00:21:23,135 --> 00:21:25,970 What?! The very last lot. 347 00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:31,690 Oh, mate! 348 00:21:34,050 --> 00:21:35,920 It's nice! I don't want that. 349 00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:40,150 Seriously, what do we do, cos I don't want a Citroen? I don't want it! 350 00:21:40,185 --> 00:21:43,770 550, 600, 700... You've got to bid, mate. 351 00:21:43,805 --> 00:21:45,835 You've got no choice. 352 00:21:45,870 --> 00:21:48,360 You've got no... 900 quid? 353 00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:49,155 Bid. 354 00:21:49,190 --> 00:21:51,260 1,050, 1,110... 355 00:21:51,295 --> 00:21:53,330 1,150, 1,200... 356 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,010 Oh, God. You've got to buy it, mate. Yes. 357 00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:58,525 1,400. 1,450! 358 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,245 It's a lovely colour. 1,500! 359 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,930 At 1,500... The name, sir? 360 00:22:05,965 --> 00:22:07,270 Worth every penny! 361 00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:11,200 'It was time to inspect what we'd bought. ' 362 00:22:11,235 --> 00:22:12,945 Look at it in here. 363 00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:16,370 It's like driving around in a radiogram. 364 00:22:16,405 --> 00:22:19,545 Listen to that... Oh. 365 00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:22,885 This has not got an MOT, has it? I'll book it in. 366 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,660 The first thing they're going to say is you're running on... 367 00:22:26,695 --> 00:22:30,215 An odd number. Three. That's good. 368 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:32,530 We'll get the fourth one going andit'll be fine. 369 00:22:32,565 --> 00:22:34,785 I'm very confident. This is a classic. 370 00:22:34,820 --> 00:22:38,375 'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic. ' 371 00:22:38,410 --> 00:22:42,360 This is going to be a remarkable thing, watching you fold yourself into a Midget. 372 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:47,015 It isn't a Midget. It is! It's an Austin-Healy. 373 00:22:47,050 --> 00:22:51,015 It's a hairy-chested man's car. No, that's the big Healey. 374 00:22:51,050 --> 00:22:56,120 This is a little tiny Healey builtin the same factory as the MG Midget. 375 00:22:56,155 --> 00:22:58,930 The only difference between this and a Midget is an MG badge. 376 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,375 Oh... 377 00:23:02,410 --> 00:23:04,045 Let me help you. 378 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,645 There, you see! 379 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,950 Let's do this scientifically. There's the top of the windscreen. 380 00:23:09,985 --> 00:23:13,505 'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval. ' 381 00:23:13,540 --> 00:23:18,410 In 1977, you couldn't drink the water in France and they hadn't heard of an ignition key. 382 00:23:20,220 --> 00:23:22,120 How about that? 383 00:23:23,710 --> 00:23:26,305 What a dismal racket. 384 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:30,285 'It was time to receive our challenge. ' 385 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,990 "You have been entered in a classic time trial rally 386 00:23:34,025 --> 00:23:36,840 "on the sunshine island of Majorca. " 387 00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,760 Ah! Majorca means...? 388 00:23:40,190 --> 00:23:43,015 Bad food, prawn shells in everything... 389 00:23:43,050 --> 00:23:46,330 Driving on the other side of the road. They drive on the wrong side of the road. 390 00:23:46,365 --> 00:23:48,900 My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car. 391 00:23:48,935 --> 00:23:52,512 "You have two weeks to prepare your cars 392 00:23:52,547 --> 00:23:55,183 "and ship them there. " For a classic time... 393 00:23:55,218 --> 00:23:57,785 I know what they are. My wife does these. 394 00:23:57,820 --> 00:24:01,510 They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads 395 00:24:01,545 --> 00:24:04,225 and you have to average a certain speed within the speed limit 396 00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:09,400 but you have to average it. We are talking some properly anal stuff here. 397 00:24:09,435 --> 00:24:11,610 How do you make a car ready for a rally? 398 00:24:11,645 --> 00:24:14,090 I dunno. 399 00:24:14,910 --> 00:24:18,300 'To find out, we took our cars for a spin. ' 400 00:24:18,335 --> 00:24:21,690 So, faults. Let's just go through the faults. 401 00:24:21,725 --> 00:24:23,755 That window won't wind up, no big deal, 402 00:24:23,790 --> 00:24:29,130 and the hood here doesn't fit properly. Other than those tiny things, 403 00:24:29,165 --> 00:24:31,400 it's ready to rally, this one. 404 00:24:36,370 --> 00:24:42,530 Power - 32 horsepower, to be precise. 405 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,210 'While waiting for a booking at the MOT centre, 406 00:24:46,245 --> 00:24:49,620 'I discovered something amazing. ' 407 00:24:49,655 --> 00:24:51,450 Hold on a second. 408 00:24:52,430 --> 00:24:55,880 My granddad worked at Mulliner's, the coach builders. 409 00:24:55,915 --> 00:24:59,087 And in the 1950s, when he was there, 410 00:24:59,122 --> 00:25:02,260 they were making Hillman Humber Standard 411 00:25:02,295 --> 00:25:05,457 and Lanchester. This car's 1953, 412 00:25:05,492 --> 00:25:08,585 so my granddad built this car! 413 00:25:08,620 --> 00:25:11,700 This actual car, he was working at Mulliner's and this is what he did, 414 00:25:11,735 --> 00:25:15,850 he was a coach builder. He built this car! 415 00:25:18,010 --> 00:25:21,010 'While Richard was having his "Who Do You Think You Are?" moment, 416 00:25:21,045 --> 00:25:23,082 'I was not very far away, 417 00:25:23,117 --> 00:25:25,085 'still not going very fast. ' 418 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,820 0-60? I'll give you a few seconds to have an educated guess. 419 00:25:30,690 --> 00:25:34,875 No. 31.7 seconds. 420 00:25:34,910 --> 00:25:39,740 'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship. ' 421 00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:42,950 Oh, God. Third isn't working. 422 00:25:42,985 --> 00:25:44,240 Oh, hell. 423 00:25:44,970 --> 00:25:47,315 I can't get anything past second. HORN HONKS 424 00:25:47,350 --> 00:25:51,780 No. Granddad didn't do the gearbox. That's a Daimler gearbox. 425 00:25:51,815 --> 00:25:53,255 Sorry! 426 00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:56,130 This armrest is adjustable. 427 00:25:56,165 --> 00:25:58,935 I'll adjust it up a bit... Oh. 428 00:25:58,970 --> 00:26:03,080 My granddad didn't build that bit. That was somebody else. 429 00:26:03,115 --> 00:26:04,340 Day off, maybe. 430 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:10,520 'Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre. ' 431 00:26:16,210 --> 00:26:18,610 'Meanwhile, in the Healey... ' 432 00:26:18,645 --> 00:26:20,975 God, it's even got quick steering. 433 00:26:21,010 --> 00:26:25,740 Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction. 434 00:26:25,775 --> 00:26:27,480 But what you have here 435 00:26:27,515 --> 00:26:30,415 is a fairy story. 436 00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:35,600 Quite by accident, I've bought a genuinely brilliant little car. 437 00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:40,875 'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished. ' 438 00:26:40,910 --> 00:26:44,800 You've got a hydraulic pipe that goes to the floating master cylinder 439 00:26:44,835 --> 00:26:47,637 and that's leaking fluid quite badly. 440 00:26:47,672 --> 00:26:50,440 It's a wonder you got here with it. 441 00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:51,245 OK. OK. 442 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,970 The nearside front trunnion top and bottom is badly worn, 443 00:26:54,005 --> 00:26:57,007 the other side is following quite closely behind it. 444 00:26:57,042 --> 00:27:00,010 The brakes on the back are about 83% out of balance. 445 00:27:00,045 --> 00:27:02,575 You're got a brake hose which is floating, 446 00:27:02,610 --> 00:27:07,730 which is pouring fluid out of it. The shackles on the back of the spring hangers, 447 00:27:07,765 --> 00:27:09,315 they're in very bad condition as well. 448 00:27:09,350 --> 00:27:13,580 Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed... 449 00:27:13,615 --> 00:27:18,580 and some pins had missing -God... 450 00:27:25,260 --> 00:27:28,340 Come on, then, Hammond! Come on. 451 00:27:28,375 --> 00:27:29,355 Tell us... 452 00:27:29,390 --> 00:27:32,135 How bad was it? 453 00:27:32,170 --> 00:27:34,125 That's what came back. 454 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,670 I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey. 455 00:27:38,705 --> 00:27:39,575 That's the actual list. 456 00:27:39,610 --> 00:27:44,430 That is the list of everything that was wrong with Granddad's... -that's nomorus 457 00:27:44,465 --> 00:27:45,795 We'll pick that up later on, but now 458 00:27:45,830 --> 00:27:50,095 it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. 459 00:27:50,130 --> 00:27:54,325 My guest tonight has sold more records than The Beatles, 460 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:59,440 but the extraordinary thing is I bet almost none of you have ever heard of him. 461 00:27:59,475 --> 00:28:02,577 He is the lead singer with AC/DC. 462 00:28:02,612 --> 00:28:05,680 Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson! 463 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,050 Can't believe you're here! 464 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,020 What a star! You've come! 465 00:28:13,630 --> 00:28:14,820 Fantastic! 466 00:28:15,430 --> 00:28:17,200 Have yourself a seat, Brian. 467 00:28:17,235 --> 00:28:18,935 Thank you. 468 00:28:18,970 --> 00:28:22,775 I am properly fascinated by how you've achieved it, 469 00:28:22,810 --> 00:28:26,580 cos everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey, David Van Day. 470 00:28:26,615 --> 00:28:29,810 Everybody knows the lead singers 471 00:28:29,845 --> 00:28:31,145 with these big bands. 472 00:28:31,180 --> 00:28:35,130 But Brian Johnson? How have you managed to stay anonymous? 473 00:28:35,165 --> 00:28:38,700 I think the band... It's just the way we do things. 474 00:28:38,735 --> 00:28:40,305 Stay under the radar, I think. 475 00:28:40,340 --> 00:28:43,690 You never see you on anything. You're never at a glittering gala do, 476 00:28:43,725 --> 00:28:47,095 you're never at Elton John's wild. No, you wouldn't be. 477 00:28:47,130 --> 00:28:51,140 Cos when I said Brian Johnson's coming on the show to friends, 478 00:28:51,175 --> 00:28:53,920 they went, "The cricket bloke? He's dead. " 479 00:28:53,955 --> 00:28:56,522 That's Brian Johns-TON. 480 00:28:56,557 --> 00:28:59,055 We enjoy keeping quiet. 481 00:28:59,090 --> 00:29:00,925 We can live a normal life, you know. 482 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:05,490 Is this right? Black Hawk Down, obviously we've seen the film, 483 00:29:05,525 --> 00:29:09,985 but it was used as well, AC/DC. 484 00:29:10,020 --> 00:29:12,375 Mike, the helicopter pilot that went down. 485 00:29:12,410 --> 00:29:17,060 He'd been shot and he'd been beaten and they put him in a cell, 486 00:29:17,095 --> 00:29:21,710 and he thought he was finished. They kept coming and beating him. 487 00:29:21,745 --> 00:29:24,475 His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band, 488 00:29:24,510 --> 00:29:28,110 so they hooked a big speaker on the skid of a helicopter 489 00:29:28,145 --> 00:29:31,965 and they played Back In Black and Hells Bells 490 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,750 and they flew over the city and he dragged himself up 491 00:29:34,785 --> 00:29:37,465 and took his shirt off and waved it out the window 492 00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:39,710 so they knew where he was and they went down and got him. 493 00:29:39,745 --> 00:29:42,175 that's fantistic,what they really means, 494 00:29:42,210 --> 00:29:44,710 and here is a good friends, you know we were told to each other, 495 00:29:44,745 --> 00:29:47,310 you know, it's good one to free him from harm. 496 00:29:47,345 --> 00:29:49,985 That is a fantastic story. 497 00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:53,175 We could rap about AC/DC for some considerable time, 498 00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:58,720 but you're here because you are a massive, massive car fan. 499 00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:01,635 Is that not...? Since I was a kid. 500 00:30:01,670 --> 00:30:04,865 Me father knew there was something wrong with us 501 00:30:04,900 --> 00:30:09,065 when I'd be walking down the street going, "Javelin, Dad. " 502 00:30:09,100 --> 00:30:13,235 It drove him nuts so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel 503 00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:17,980 and he stuck a stick through it and put it through me bed head and put some pillows on it 504 00:30:18,015 --> 00:30:19,642 and said, "There you go. " 505 00:30:19,677 --> 00:30:21,235 What, so that's a car? 506 00:30:21,270 --> 00:30:23,565 That was me car. It was brilliant. 507 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,895 Although there was wallpaper up there, I couldn't see it. 508 00:30:26,930 --> 00:30:30,155 I just saw the rest of the world and I just drove for hours. 509 00:30:30,190 --> 00:30:32,940 so presumably, as soon as I was assumed We're talking here about good, honest, 510 00:30:32,975 --> 00:30:35,655 salt of the earth, working-class Geordie upbringing - 511 00:30:35,690 --> 00:30:39,080 the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what? 512 00:30:39,115 --> 00:30:41,045 cheerful colorful breaking down sort of stuffs 513 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:46,530 Me first one, which was fabulous,it was a Ford Popular sit up and beg, 514 00:30:46,565 --> 00:30:52,360 which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior. 515 00:30:52,395 --> 00:30:55,905 But it was mine, it was freedom. Brilliant. 516 00:30:55,940 --> 00:31:00,160 You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point. Mini phase was very important 517 00:31:00,195 --> 00:31:02,425 because then you didn't have to hide- t 518 00:31:02,460 --> 00:31:04,770 the Ford Popular round the corner when you went to parties. 519 00:31:04,805 --> 00:31:07,685 The Mini was cool. Was it a Cooper? 520 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,715 No, I tried to make it look like a Cooper. 521 00:31:10,750 --> 00:31:16,060 I put them little spready things on the back wheels, and I put go-faster stripes on. 522 00:31:16,095 --> 00:31:18,380 But it had sliding windows 523 00:31:18,970 --> 00:31:23,020 and they were very handy with the girls in the back. 524 00:31:23,055 --> 00:31:27,327 You could get their... 525 00:31:27,362 --> 00:31:31,600 I know what you mean! 526 00:31:32,260 --> 00:31:35,025 Sorry. I'm sorry. 527 00:31:35,060 --> 00:31:38,070 And obviously then AC/DC came along. 528 00:31:38,105 --> 00:31:38,995 Yes. 529 00:31:39,030 --> 00:31:42,870 So what did you get? Heavy metal band - heavy metal cars? I did. 530 00:31:42,905 --> 00:31:44,485 I love me classics. 531 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:49,435 I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948. 532 00:31:49,470 --> 00:31:53,780 Now I drive a 1928 Bentley Le Mans 4.5 litre. 533 00:31:53,815 --> 00:31:58,090 Bloody hell, really? So when you say "drive", 534 00:31:58,125 --> 00:31:58,945 do you use it every day? 535 00:31:58,980 --> 00:32:01,680 I go for the paper in it, you know. 536 00:32:01,715 --> 00:32:03,505 It's just the way I... 537 00:32:03,540 --> 00:32:10,230 That's got the throttle pedal... In the middle. that's a bugger 538 00:32:10,265 --> 00:32:13,060 Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner, 539 00:32:13,095 --> 00:32:14,270 "I'll just break... 540 00:32:14,305 --> 00:32:15,295 "Oh, bugger!" 541 00:32:15,330 --> 00:32:17,735 It can tighten your bottom a bit. 542 00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:22,815 It makes your cars go like a rabbit's nose. 543 00:32:22,850 --> 00:32:24,820 Do you have a favourite road? Is that something you still...? 544 00:32:24,855 --> 00:32:27,265 cos I also get fed up with people saying, 545 00:32:27,300 --> 00:32:29,790 "I don't know what the point of a nice car is, there's nowhere nice to drive. " 546 00:32:29,825 --> 00:32:33,550 Yes,Yes, There's a lovely drive between Newcastle and Carlisle. 547 00:32:33,585 --> 00:32:36,325 there is a place is called Haydon Bridge, 548 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:40,660 If you turn left there and go up to Alston and down the other side into the Lake District, 549 00:32:40,695 --> 00:32:42,407 it's probably one of the most beautiful drives. 550 00:32:42,442 --> 00:32:44,120 Do you know the Buttertubs Pass, North Yorkshire? 551 00:32:44,155 --> 00:32:46,535 Every time I've got to the other end of it, 552 00:32:46,570 --> 00:32:49,030 I've always had to get out and pee on the brakes. 553 00:32:49,065 --> 00:32:52,265 I've got a story to beat that! 554 00:32:52,300 --> 00:32:57,790 We were playing at this big airport in Moscow Russia when the coup happened 555 00:32:57,825 --> 00:32:59,775 and Yeltsin was on top of the tank 556 00:32:59,810 --> 00:33:04,010 and he promised all the kids, he said, "Thanks for helping," cos they helped. 557 00:33:04,045 --> 00:33:06,700 He said, "What do you want?" Theysaid, "We want rock'n'roll, AC/DC." 558 00:33:06,735 --> 00:33:11,520 So we went over and there was about a million people there. 559 00:33:11,555 --> 00:33:13,145 Really a million. Yeah. 560 00:33:13,180 --> 00:33:16,690 There was 30,000 armed guards to look after them. 561 00:33:16,725 --> 00:33:20,165 It was getting darker and I was bursting for a pee 562 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:24,335 and I went outside and there was this little concrete plinth 563 00:33:24,370 --> 00:33:28,470 and I was standing there going, and these two guards went... 564 00:33:28,505 --> 00:33:30,775 xxx 565 00:33:30,810 --> 00:33:36,760 They were really upset and the translator came and I'd just pissed on Sputnik. 566 00:33:36,795 --> 00:33:41,540 But it was just this black ball, I didn't realise what it was. 567 00:33:41,575 --> 00:33:45,960 Oh, bless. So what's your day-to-day wheels now? 568 00:33:45,995 --> 00:33:49,055 Er, a Phantom. 569 00:33:49,090 --> 00:33:51,330 Me favourite car in the whole wide world. 570 00:33:51,365 --> 00:33:54,495 12 funnels of fun there, Jezza! 571 00:33:54,530 --> 00:33:58,395 It is the most fantabulous piece of engineering. Ever. 572 00:33:58,430 --> 00:34:00,320 When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special. " 573 00:34:00,355 --> 00:34:05,440 Are you over 60?! I'm 62 in October. 574 00:34:05,475 --> 00:34:08,045 Hoo-hoo! I'm impressed. 575 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,250 I am very... Rock'n'roll has suited you. 576 00:34:10,285 --> 00:34:13,115 Yeah, aye, but... 577 00:34:13,150 --> 00:34:15,785 Obviously, we could could sit here and talk cars 578 00:34:15,820 --> 00:34:18,920 and I'd be happy to do that literally all day long, 579 00:34:18,955 --> 00:34:22,020 but of cause you came down to do your lap. How was it? 580 00:34:22,055 --> 00:34:24,465 The best time I've had since I started. 581 00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:28,760 I've been sitting in the back of a car getting driven everywhere. 582 00:34:28,795 --> 00:34:32,225 I just had a great time. 583 00:34:32,260 --> 00:34:33,910 Who here would like to see Brian's lap? 584 00:34:33,945 --> 00:34:36,955 Yes! 585 00:34:36,990 --> 00:34:39,970 Let's play the tape. Let's have a look how you got on. 586 00:34:40,005 --> 00:34:43,250 OK... 587 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:48,005 # Is you is or is you ain't my baby..? # 588 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:52,080 Let's see if this love of cars translates into an ability to drive well. 589 00:34:52,115 --> 00:34:53,685 That's... Yeah, 590 00:34:53,720 --> 00:34:57,475 stabbing that one in nicely... Ooh, I say. 591 00:34:57,510 --> 00:35:01,230 That was good. Nice and easy, like gravy. 592 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,985 Wouldn't have thought gravy was easy, 593 00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:07,440 but there we are, that's tidy as well. No real problems there. 594 00:35:07,475 --> 00:35:10,555 Keep it cool, yeah, son. Go on, son! 595 00:35:10,590 --> 00:35:13,845 You're being smooth and violent at the same time, 596 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:17,100 which is quite an achievement. That is bang on. 597 00:35:17,135 --> 00:35:20,662 Look That's perfect. That is bang on. 598 00:35:20,697 --> 00:35:24,155 # Oh, you must remember this... # 599 00:35:24,190 --> 00:35:29,350 Concentrate. No need to ask if you were flat out- through there. 600 00:35:29,385 --> 00:35:33,465 I'm guessing this'll be quick. It is! 601 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:36,040 And now we're coming up to the second to last corner. 602 00:35:36,075 --> 00:35:38,085 That's beautifully done. 603 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,600 Gambon, is that going to catch you out? 604 00:35:40,635 --> 00:35:47,400 No! here we are, cross the line 605 00:35:53,570 --> 00:35:59,450 Because it looks like when Ellen MacArthur came here,not dramatic, 606 00:35:59,485 --> 00:36:03,305 but you just looked quick. So.. Where do you think? 607 00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:06,040 I wouldn't bother looking down here. I think it got reasonable... 608 00:36:06,075 --> 00:36:09,725 Anywhere in the second middle! 609 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:12,935 so this is What, just about there. 610 00:36:12,970 --> 00:36:14,900 With Well Speken man there, Hugh Grant and so on. 611 00:36:14,935 --> 00:36:16,115 That would be nice. 612 00:36:16,150 --> 00:36:19,210 well, I got a time there, so what we looking at 613 00:36:19,245 --> 00:36:20,835 Jay Kay over the Top 1:45,8 614 00:36:20,870 --> 00:36:23,800 Kevin McCloud and Simon Cowell were 1:45,9 615 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:29,530 So Brian Johnson, the man nobody had ever heard of... 616 00:36:30,890 --> 00:36:36,630 You did it in, well... One... forty... 617 00:36:36,665 --> 00:36:39,292 I've forgotten. 618 00:36:39,327 --> 00:36:41,885 You're killin' us! 619 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:48,370 .. five... Oooh!point nine. 620 00:36:48,405 --> 00:36:54,820 You are the second fastest man! 621 00:36:54,860 --> 00:37:00,880 Brian Johnson, everybody! 622 00:37:04,620 --> 00:37:09,950 Exactly the same as Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs, Simon Cowell, 623 00:37:09,985 --> 00:37:13,470 Brian Johnson, 1:45,9,Brilliant! 624 00:37:13,950 --> 00:37:17,085 Jay Kay will have just babbered himself! 625 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:20,185 I've so enjoyed having you here today. 626 00:37:20,220 --> 00:37:22,220 I'm just amazed how many gifts God bestowed you with! 627 00:37:22,255 --> 00:37:25,195 Great singing voice, nice chap, 628 00:37:25,230 --> 00:37:28,250 anonymity, and now can drive a car like an angel. 629 00:37:28,285 --> 00:37:31,980 Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson! 630 00:37:32,015 --> 00:37:44,820 What a man! What a man! 631 00:37:44,860 --> 00:37:49,810 Earlier on, we bought three classic- cars from an auction. 632 00:37:49,845 --> 00:37:51,515 A 1953 Lanchester, 633 00:37:51,550 --> 00:37:56,420 a 1977 Citroen Ami 8, and a 1969 MG Midget. It's a Healey! > 634 00:37:56,455 --> 00:37:59,465 It's just a Midget. 635 00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:02,805 Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars, 636 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:05,925 that we had just two weeks andhardly any money to get them ready 637 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:12,150 for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca. 638 00:38:17,790 --> 00:38:19,640 Sadly, Hammond had spent all his budget, 639 00:38:19,675 --> 00:38:21,455 and lots more besides, 640 00:38:21,490 --> 00:38:24,590 getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work. 641 00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:27,220 But for once, Jeremy had donea good job, 642 00:38:27,255 --> 00:38:29,815 and as usual, so had I. 643 00:38:29,850 --> 00:38:34,750 However, before we could get going, we were given new instructions. 644 00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:38,805 On a classic rally, you need 645 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,855 a co-driver to operate the timing gear and read the maps, 646 00:38:40,890 --> 00:38:46,510 But don't worry, the producers have provided one for reach of you. 647 00:38:46,545 --> 00:38:48,395 They've... I'm not worried. 648 00:38:48,430 --> 00:38:53,460 My betting is these co-drivers, whatever we've got in our mind, now, 649 00:38:53,495 --> 00:38:58,000 I'm not certain... Is not what they have provided. 650 00:38:59,620 --> 00:39:02,970 We weren't wrong. James had been given Madison Welsh 651 00:39:03,005 --> 00:39:05,285 a glamour model. 652 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:09,795 Hello. Who has no interest at all in classic rallying. 653 00:39:09,830 --> 00:39:11,780 Have you honestly never done it? Not as a hobby or something? 654 00:39:11,815 --> 00:39:15,695 No, I've never done it! Seriously? 655 00:39:15,730 --> 00:39:19,275 ! For me, things just keep getting better. 656 00:39:19,310 --> 00:39:22,750 Because this is my co-driver, his name is Joan Verger, 657 00:39:22,785 --> 00:39:26,190 he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation, 658 00:39:26,225 --> 00:39:28,885 and an ex-Seat works driver. 659 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:34,100 Presumably you know the roads in the north like the back of your hand. 660 00:39:34,135 --> 00:39:38,180 The mountain... roads. 661 00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:40,505 You speak... 662 00:39:40,540 --> 00:39:42,710 Don't tell me he doesn't speak English. 663 00:39:42,745 --> 00:39:50,230 no comprendo 664 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,410 Richard meanwhile had been given a keen amateur mechanic 665 00:39:56,445 --> 00:39:59,070 called Brian Wheeler 666 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:03,965 Brian! 667 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:08,035 It does that, you have to imagine this in a rally situation, 668 00:40:08,070 --> 00:40:12,090 so the idea is we get points deducted for being early or late 669 00:40:12,125 --> 00:40:16,110 - at the checkpoints we have to get to. - But I can't see. 670 00:40:16,145 --> 00:40:20,115 granddad didn't think of that when he built it 671 00:40:20,150 --> 00:40:23,490 the co-drivers didn't fill us with much confidence, 672 00:40:23,525 --> 00:40:28,220 and then we saw the cars we'd be up against. 673 00:40:29,220 --> 00:40:32,260 there were Lancia Stratos', Mustangs, Corvettes 674 00:40:32,295 --> 00:40:35,372 and endless Porsches 675 00:40:35,407 --> 00:40:38,415 10911s, 11, 12... 676 00:40:38,450 --> 00:40:40,745 I've never seen so many 911s. 13. 677 00:40:40,780 --> 00:40:43,005 This Mustang is in our category. 678 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,490 Oh, my God, how am I gonna compete against that?! 679 00:40:45,525 --> 00:40:48,937 And then we got even more bad news... 680 00:40:48,972 --> 00:40:51,726 Fantastic. You've had a great day? 681 00:40:51,761 --> 00:40:54,445 Yeah. Well, when did it start? 682 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,890 Last night was the first stage, and this morning at 8.30am, 683 00:40:57,925 --> 00:41:00,675 we were out there. So, yeah. 684 00:41:00,710 --> 00:41:04,750 Five. OK... Five stages, yeah. Five stages. 685 00:41:04,785 --> 00:41:08,755 OK. Thank you for that. What were they saying? 686 00:41:08,790 --> 00:41:13,785 I don't know how this has happened. - I imagine it's James's fault, 687 00:41:13,820 --> 00:41:19,880 but we thought the rally started tomorrow morning. It turns out it actually started two days ago. 688 00:41:20,690 --> 00:41:25,950 So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning. 689 00:41:25,985 --> 00:41:29,440 At the very least, we are competing- against each other. 690 00:41:29,475 --> 00:41:31,295 Why don't we just make it a private race? 691 00:41:31,330 --> 00:41:35,310 Whatever it is, it requires precision and patience, so you won't win. 692 00:41:35,345 --> 00:41:37,065 I bet you?25 693 00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:43,250 that I beat you. Three-way bet. All right. All right. 694 00:41:44,310 --> 00:41:47,645 And so, the next morning, two days late, 695 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:51,050 with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars... 696 00:41:51,085 --> 00:41:53,510 Does anybody here know how to zero 697 00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:55,970 on an Austin Healey Sprite? 698 00:41:56,005 --> 00:41:57,990 .. we set off. 699 00:41:58,025 --> 00:41:59,020 Go! 700 00:42:01,330 --> 00:42:03,950 We've got no gear. 701 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:14,750 Not got a lot to talk about. 702 00:42:15,350 --> 00:42:19,230 We had to arrive at various checkpoints at specified times, 703 00:42:19,265 --> 00:42:24,057 and then complete a number of special stages on closed roads 704 00:42:24,092 --> 00:42:28,850 at a precise average speed. This wouldn't be easy in the Healey. 705 00:42:28,885 --> 00:42:30,275 This is ridiculous. 706 00:42:30,310 --> 00:42:36,680 My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30... No, 20. 707 00:42:36,715 --> 00:42:43,015 How are we going to be able to do average speeds when this is saying 60mph? 708 00:42:43,050 --> 00:42:48,620 When we stop at the next bit I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you 709 00:42:48,655 --> 00:42:50,435 so you can work out average speeds as well. 710 00:42:50,470 --> 00:42:54,320 There's only two you need to know. How fast we've been going, 711 00:42:54,355 --> 00:42:59,220 how fast we need to go, or how long we've taken so far. 712 00:42:59,255 --> 00:43:00,565 You can use the two stopwatches, 713 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:04,930 so you can say for 10 minutes... Mountains! 714 00:43:06,630 --> 00:43:09,815 Does this car smell... healthy to you? 715 00:43:09,850 --> 00:43:14,110 Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell. 716 00:43:15,540 --> 00:43:20,930 So the roundabout is at 127, so add another 1km... 717 00:43:23,330 --> 00:43:26,995 Hello?.. Hello! 718 00:43:27,030 --> 00:43:29,890 'Still. Could be worse. ' 719 00:43:30,940 --> 00:43:34,900 Granddad didn't do the cooling system so it can be a bit... 720 00:43:36,330 --> 00:43:39,220 It's all falling out. 721 00:43:40,980 --> 00:43:46,155 So how long should we wait? About half an hour, for it to cool down. 722 00:43:46,190 --> 00:43:51,850 So we'll then have to go faster to make the... We will have to go a lot faster, and um... 723 00:43:51,885 --> 00:43:55,700 break a few rules, I think. It can't go much faster. 724 00:43:56,490 --> 00:44:01,170 Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying. 725 00:44:01,205 --> 00:44:05,720 Loser! Loser! 726 00:44:09,850 --> 00:44:13,025 We then arrived at the first closed-road stage, 727 00:44:13,060 --> 00:44:17,980 which we would have to complete at a specified average speed. 728 00:44:18,015 --> 00:44:20,032 The speed... Zero. 729 00:44:20,067 --> 00:44:22,015 Si... The speed. 730 00:44:22,050 --> 00:44:26,250 This... at what speed? Quant o... 731 00:44:26,285 --> 00:44:29,195 Quanto...? 732 00:44:29,230 --> 00:44:31,520 Which one's too tight? That one. 733 00:44:31,555 --> 00:44:33,570 Are you sure? 734 00:44:34,230 --> 00:44:40,240 It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter. 735 00:44:40,275 --> 00:44:43,800 Perfecto... No, what? 50? Bien... 736 00:44:43,835 --> 00:44:47,715 50... No? Um... 737 00:44:47,750 --> 00:44:50,470 I decided to just do it flat out. 738 00:44:50,505 --> 00:44:53,170 We're going! 739 00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,160 Down into second... Flip the apex! 740 00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:01,602 'This made Joan very angry!' 741 00:45:01,637 --> 00:45:05,010 No, rapido, no! No, perfecto! 742 00:45:05,045 --> 00:45:07,295 What's that mean?! 743 00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:10,580 Plus lentement? Rapido? Tranquilo? 744 00:45:10,615 --> 00:45:13,795 Tranquilo, tranquilo. Rapido. 745 00:45:13,830 --> 00:45:16,175 'Meanwhile, in the Open University... ' 746 00:45:16,210 --> 00:45:21,000 When we get to this next one, stop that stopwatch and start that one at exactly the same time. 747 00:45:21,035 --> 00:45:22,935 Cos you then have a record of that one 748 00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,905 and that one is then timing it to the next one. 749 00:45:24,940 --> 00:45:28,575 In fact, don't. That'll confuse us cos we have to take it away. 750 00:45:28,610 --> 00:45:32,210 Leave that one running. Jot down what the time actually said. 751 00:45:33,190 --> 00:45:35,195 Yeah? 752 00:45:35,230 --> 00:45:37,200 Yeah. 753 00:45:38,770 --> 00:45:41,695 We still weren't at the first stage, 754 00:45:41,730 --> 00:45:46,300 and Brian was less than impressed with Granddad's Lanchester. 755 00:45:46,335 --> 00:45:49,182 THUD Ouch! Suspension's good then. 756 00:45:49,217 --> 00:45:52,030 It is. I hardly felt it on this side. 757 00:45:53,300 --> 00:45:55,675 It's good, yes? Finish? 758 00:45:55,710 --> 00:45:57,750 What time? Show me the time. 759 00:45:57,785 --> 00:45:59,695 Time! Time, Manuel! 760 00:45:59,730 --> 00:46:01,865 Can't see, can't... I've no idea. 761 00:46:01,900 --> 00:46:06,025 I've just done something and I don't know what it was. 762 00:46:06,060 --> 00:46:10,150 'As it turned out,'what I'd done is go way too fast, 763 00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:14,150 'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums. ' 764 00:46:15,910 --> 00:46:16,845 Maths. 765 00:46:16,880 --> 00:46:20,880 Can't talk to him. He's doing... literally sitting a maths exam. 766 00:46:20,915 --> 00:46:24,420 But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun. 767 00:46:24,455 --> 00:46:26,290 "I did more maths than you today. " 768 00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:28,385 "No, you didn't, 769 00:46:28,420 --> 00:46:32,935 "I did more maths than you. " 770 00:46:32,970 --> 00:46:36,330 'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me 771 00:46:36,365 --> 00:46:38,325 'was James' co-driver. ' 772 00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:42,270 Divide 60 by 55. Why do you keep saying that? 773 00:46:42,305 --> 00:46:44,885 It's a 60 thing, like the Assyrians had. 774 00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,025 There's not 100 seconds in a minute, there are 60, 775 00:46:47,060 --> 00:46:50,290 and that is a decimal... What? It's 0.85. Times 0.85 by 60. 776 00:46:50,325 --> 00:46:51,920 Do you- just like saying different numbers? 777 00:46:51,955 --> 00:46:54,365 What do I do at this roundabout? Huh? 778 00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:58,010 What do I do at this roundabout? What roundabout? 779 00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:03,240 'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage. 780 00:47:03,275 --> 00:47:05,900 'However,... ' 781 00:47:07,970 --> 00:47:11,600 Bloody 'ell! 782 00:47:17,940 --> 00:47:18,985 OK,40 783 00:47:19,020 --> 00:47:20,005 40 miles an hour. 784 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:26,685 So I'm driving about half the speed- my car can go in order to win. 785 00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:32,020 25 pounds is riding on this, Joan, 25 pounds, which is about 25 euros... 786 00:47:32,860 --> 00:47:34,630 thanks to Mr Brown. 787 00:47:35,740 --> 00:47:40,645 'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe. ' 788 00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:47,820 There would only be other cars here if they were lost in exactly the same way as us. 789 00:47:49,130 --> 00:47:50,215 Left or right? 790 00:47:50,250 --> 00:47:53,440 That way. Do you know that or are you just guessing? 791 00:47:53,475 --> 00:47:56,460 There is a left somewhere. Is it only... 792 00:47:56,495 --> 00:48:01,310 There's hundreds of lefts in it. 793 00:48:02,390 --> 00:48:03,975 I prefer you do too. 794 00:48:04,010 --> 00:48:07,420 Don't do... Please, don't do that. 795 00:48:07,455 --> 00:48:09,935 Now! Go, go, go, go! 796 00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:14,200 'Finally, we were doing our first stage. However,... ' 797 00:48:14,235 --> 00:48:17,515 Where do I go now, Brian? Forward! Forward! 798 00:48:17,550 --> 00:48:20,180 Can you see out of the car exactly where we're going or not? 799 00:48:20,215 --> 00:48:23,635 Well, I can see sort of the hills and the sky. Right. 800 00:48:23,670 --> 00:48:26,970 I'll tell you what's happening in front of us. It's straight ahead. 801 00:48:27,005 --> 00:48:29,757 I can't get this gear. It's a very big steering wheel, isn't it? 802 00:48:29,792 --> 00:48:32,510 Granddad liked to make sure you had good, proper-sized wheels. 803 00:48:32,545 --> 00:48:34,760 It makes you look smaller. 804 00:48:34,795 --> 00:48:37,060 Well, now, erm... OK. 805 00:48:38,330 --> 00:48:40,540 Oh, God, look at the steam coming out the bonnet. 806 00:48:40,575 --> 00:48:41,820 Oh, my word! 807 00:48:43,140 --> 00:48:45,435 'Realising he'd got off to a bad start, 808 00:48:45,470 --> 00:48:50,480 'James was now trying to charm Maddie with some romantic conversation. ' 809 00:48:51,140 --> 00:48:54,630 It's not actually an overdrive but you need to treat it as one. 810 00:48:54,665 --> 00:48:56,225 It's actually a ratio of 1 to 1. 811 00:48:56,260 --> 00:48:58,990 It simply locks the input shaft to the output shaft. 812 00:48:59,025 --> 00:49:01,720 I don't know what you're talking about. 813 00:49:02,370 --> 00:49:05,000 Do you actually do anything to your hair? 814 00:49:05,035 --> 00:49:06,970 I wash it occasionally. 815 00:49:07,730 --> 00:49:09,170 You should wear a hair band. No. 816 00:49:15,140 --> 00:49:17,690 Oh, why couldn't we get one of them? 817 00:49:18,390 --> 00:49:21,480 That's a nice car. I bet that don't overheat. 818 00:49:23,740 --> 00:49:26,880 Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop, 819 00:49:26,915 --> 00:49:29,125 'where Jeremy explained that Brian and I 820 00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:33,900 'had amassed the biggest number of penalty points in rallying history. ' 821 00:49:33,935 --> 00:49:37,140 So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth. 822 00:49:37,175 --> 00:49:40,137 You've got 41,897. 823 00:49:40,172 --> 00:49:43,065 And you've got 44,000. 824 00:49:43,100 --> 00:49:45,790 It's quite close between you two. Yeah. 825 00:49:45,825 --> 00:49:48,572 'To punish Jeremy for his smugness, 826 00:49:48,607 --> 00:49:50,923 'we decided to modify his car. ' 827 00:49:50,958 --> 00:49:53,205 That is now the heating jammed on? 828 00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:56,590 Yes, the only way to turn it off is to stop... And open the bonnet. 829 00:49:56,625 --> 00:49:59,335 Lose vital seconds, or hours in his case 830 00:49:59,370 --> 00:50:01,480 because he won't be able to work out how to do that. 831 00:50:04,070 --> 00:50:06,365 'But as we headed off to the afternoon stages, 832 00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:10,990 'strangely, it was in the Citroen where things were getting hot. ' 833 00:50:11,700 --> 00:50:14,450 I think it's in there. I can feel it. 834 00:50:14,485 --> 00:50:16,330 Yeah, it's a little tube. There. 835 00:50:16,365 --> 00:50:18,400 Yeah. Ooh! That's little! 836 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:21,610 Right. 837 00:50:21,645 --> 00:50:23,740 Now, pout. 838 00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:26,360 You can't have cracked lips. 839 00:50:27,530 --> 00:50:29,015 I changed from first to third 840 00:50:29,050 --> 00:50:33,570 in my gearbox, which means technically, I short shifted. 841 00:50:34,480 --> 00:50:38,490 When I say short, I don't mean that... I'm not being rude. 842 00:50:38,525 --> 00:50:41,045 You keep saying short, don't you? 843 00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:44,810 No, I meant I short shifted. I wasn't being clever. 844 00:50:45,950 --> 00:50:46,775 In the Healey, 845 00:50:46,810 --> 00:50:51,310 my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature. 846 00:50:51,345 --> 00:50:52,282 Hello? 847 00:50:52,317 --> 00:50:53,220 Ooh, God. 848 00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:58,845 No clutch. 849 00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:02,070 'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage, 850 00:51:02,105 --> 00:51:05,600 'and then stick with it. ' Here we go. 851 00:51:09,060 --> 00:51:11,490 Perfect, perfect. Yes. 852 00:51:13,750 --> 00:51:16,605 It's all going wrong for us this afternoon! 853 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:20,300 Also, I think the heater is on. Do you know how to turn it off? 854 00:51:20,335 --> 00:51:23,930 'But Joan wasn't going to let anything mess up his maths. ' 855 00:51:23,965 --> 00:51:26,020 Dale, dale! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 856 00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:29,700 We've got one gear, I can do nothing! 857 00:51:29,735 --> 00:51:32,405 Vamos, vamos! Va, va, va! 858 00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:36,600 I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour- on this. It's impossible. 859 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:40,730 Bueno, bueno. Fast, fast, fast! Yes, yes, yes. 860 00:51:40,765 --> 00:51:43,670 Your handbag's in the way. God! 861 00:51:44,380 --> 00:51:47,380 They're laughing at the car. They're- not. They're cheering us on. 862 00:51:47,415 --> 00:51:49,225 OK, if you say so. 863 00:51:49,260 --> 00:51:51,100 Why don't they speak English? 864 00:51:51,135 --> 00:51:53,685 Cos they're Spanish. 865 00:51:53,720 --> 00:51:56,140 'Following the shambles of the morning, 866 00:51:56,175 --> 00:51:58,427 'Brian was now in a right mood. ' 867 00:51:58,462 --> 00:52:00,645 Anything to let me know about? No. 868 00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:02,750 What about this massive tight left-hand bend here? 869 00:52:02,785 --> 00:52:06,120 I haven't got a map of the route. 870 00:52:06,155 --> 00:52:08,025 What? 871 00:52:08,060 --> 00:52:10,910 I haven't got a map of the route. 872 00:52:10,945 --> 00:52:13,725 Come on, you should talk to me. 873 00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:16,140 There should be a constant stream of instructions issuing from you. 874 00:52:16,175 --> 00:52:17,590 Left turn coming up. 875 00:52:17,625 --> 00:52:18,505 In a hairpin. 876 00:52:18,540 --> 00:52:20,840 You're just telling me things you can see out the window 877 00:52:20,875 --> 00:52:23,150 now you've got a cushion! 878 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:33,740 Vaya a la derecha. We're losing the brakes. 879 00:52:33,775 --> 00:52:36,787 I'm losing the brakes. Perfecto. Vaya, vaya. 880 00:52:36,822 --> 00:52:39,765 'Because the Healey was in such a bad way, 881 00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:44,410 'I managed to cross the line in a slow enough time for once. ' 882 00:52:44,445 --> 00:52:48,970 We've finished. Yay! Yay! Is that good? 883 00:52:49,005 --> 00:52:51,370 Is that good? Ooooh! 884 00:52:52,850 --> 00:52:56,380 And the Loveboat finished on time as well. 885 00:52:56,415 --> 00:53:00,180 7.46. Yep. Spot on. 886 00:53:03,130 --> 00:53:05,910 Meanwhile, back in PC world... 887 00:53:07,870 --> 00:53:11,680 I didn't mean Jeremy's car was rubbish because it's a midget. 888 00:53:11,715 --> 00:53:13,570 I just meant that's what it is. 889 00:53:13,605 --> 00:53:15,457 It's an MG Midget... 890 00:53:15,492 --> 00:53:17,310 It... I'm sorry. 891 00:53:19,850 --> 00:53:22,360 Brian, it's making a bad noise. 892 00:53:22,395 --> 00:53:24,270 And a bad smell. 893 00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:29,360 This is... I think I may have to stop for a moment. I'm not well. 894 00:53:29,395 --> 00:53:33,680 'This meant Richard would miss the final checkpoint of the day. 895 00:53:34,540 --> 00:53:36,425 'James and I had no problems though 896 00:53:36,460 --> 00:53:39,540 'because all we had to do was stick to a motorway. 897 00:53:39,575 --> 00:53:43,600 'It was therefore impossible to get lost. ' 898 00:53:44,260 --> 00:53:46,270 Which way? Straight on. 899 00:53:46,305 --> 00:53:47,640 Are you sure? No. 900 00:53:48,860 --> 00:53:51,180 Yeah, let's go there, it looks pretty. 901 00:53:51,215 --> 00:53:53,477 You don't go there because it's pretty. 902 00:53:53,512 --> 00:53:55,705 Well, there should be signs if it isn't. 903 00:53:55,740 --> 00:53:58,995 Can you not work out...? Please can you take your hat off. 904 00:53:59,030 --> 00:54:02,190 Please. Sorry, it's really lovely but I can't see the cars coming. 905 00:54:02,225 --> 00:54:06,895 Thanks. Now I've got flat hair. That's not important. 906 00:54:06,930 --> 00:54:11,100 'Mind you, it wasn't exactly plain sailing for me either. ' 907 00:54:11,970 --> 00:54:14,370 Come on, please, traffic. Please, please. 908 00:54:14,405 --> 00:54:16,770 How can they have a rush hour in Mallorca? 909 00:54:16,805 --> 00:54:18,935 Nobody does anything. 910 00:54:18,970 --> 00:54:21,505 Get up, throw a donkey off a tower block, 911 00:54:21,540 --> 00:54:25,000 sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed. 912 00:54:25,035 --> 00:54:27,630 Where does the rush hour come from in that? 913 00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:30,320 Oh, God. 914 00:54:30,980 --> 00:54:32,665 'Day one, then, 915 00:54:32,700 --> 00:54:36,020 'of our first classic rally hadn't been a total success. 916 00:54:37,730 --> 00:54:43,030 'However, day two sounded promising- because we were at a track. 917 00:54:43,065 --> 00:54:45,345 'No more maths, no more stopwatches, 918 00:54:45,380 --> 00:54:50,000 'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action. 919 00:54:50,035 --> 00:54:51,655 'Or so I thought. ' 920 00:54:51,690 --> 00:54:55,450 Each group does two rounds of four rounds each. 921 00:54:55,485 --> 00:54:57,225 The first round of each round 922 00:54:57,260 --> 00:55:01,480 serving as a reference time for the following three rounds... 923 00:55:01,515 --> 00:55:04,475 'It turned out we'd set a time on our first lap 924 00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:08,810 'and then we'd win if we matched that time on the next three. ' 925 00:55:08,845 --> 00:55:10,762 Is that clear? No, I've got a question. 926 00:55:10,797 --> 00:55:12,645 If you break down on your first lap, 927 00:55:12,680 --> 00:55:16,370 do you have to then break down on the subsequent three laps? 928 00:55:16,405 --> 00:55:20,145 'I decided to break down before we started. ' 929 00:55:20,180 --> 00:55:24,260 Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis? 930 00:55:24,295 --> 00:55:27,395 Oh! It's just raining oil! 931 00:55:27,430 --> 00:55:29,910 Come on, she'll do it. She's got to do it. She's a good old girl. 932 00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:35,210 That's fallen off. That's all... Yeah, I meant that. 933 00:55:42,020 --> 00:55:45,990 Have you done the other side? You're going to sparkle. 934 00:55:46,025 --> 00:55:47,475 If you or I had done that, 935 00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:50,830 he would kill us. Yes, he would. 936 00:55:52,890 --> 00:55:56,635 'We then hit the track to set our benchmark lap times. 937 00:55:56,670 --> 00:56:00,380 'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third, 938 00:56:00,415 --> 00:56:02,635 'to keep things steady. ' 939 00:56:02,670 --> 00:56:05,990 Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey. 940 00:56:06,025 --> 00:56:09,310 Set a nice, smooth lap time. 941 00:56:09,345 --> 00:56:11,375 Looking good. 942 00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:17,850 'James, obviously trying to impress- Maddie was being more vigorous. ' 943 00:56:19,750 --> 00:56:23,335 Like a cross Channel ferry! 944 00:56:23,370 --> 00:56:26,840 Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful. 945 00:56:27,540 --> 00:56:30,920 'In the Lanchester, it was business as usual. ' 946 00:56:30,955 --> 00:56:32,940 Was it a sort of boiling hissing sound? 947 00:56:32,975 --> 00:56:35,465 No, it was a clunking sound. 948 00:56:35,500 --> 00:56:36,715 Oh, the temperature's right up as well. 949 00:56:36,750 --> 00:56:38,520 You've got to ease up, you've got to ease up. 950 00:56:38,555 --> 00:56:41,145 Yeah, but we've got to get the time. 951 00:56:41,180 --> 00:56:45,410 'Despite everything though, even an official telling me to slow down, 952 00:56:45,445 --> 00:56:48,960 'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves. ' 953 00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:52,340 I've seen new cars that I wanted to own today. 954 00:56:52,375 --> 00:56:55,062 And you can come here and you can talk to people, 955 00:56:55,097 --> 00:56:57,715 use words like 16 valve and not be embarrassed. 956 00:56:57,750 --> 00:57:00,705 you havenot to work for late You can be who you are, 957 00:57:00,740 --> 00:57:03,660 talk about cars, drive like a lunatic on a track. 958 00:57:04,450 --> 00:57:06,900 It's quite nice to be a car person again. 959 00:57:06,935 --> 00:57:08,540 It is. 960 00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:11,345 'Back on the track, 961 00:57:11,380 --> 00:57:14,850 'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal. ' 962 00:57:14,885 --> 00:57:17,315 Temperature's gone right up. Yeah. 963 00:57:17,350 --> 00:57:20,980 'I was therefore confident I'd matched my original lap time. ' 964 00:57:21,015 --> 00:57:24,250 We did that 29 seconds faster. 965 00:57:24,285 --> 00:57:26,635 Did we? Yes. Oh, God. 966 00:57:26,670 --> 00:57:29,935 That's a disaster if we're that far adrift. 967 00:57:29,970 --> 00:57:35,030 'In the Loveboat, James unaware that Maddie had decorated his helmet even more 968 00:57:35,065 --> 00:57:38,025 was having 'the time of his life. ' 969 00:57:38,060 --> 00:57:40,970 I think we're coming up to your first stopwatch point. 970 00:57:41,005 --> 00:57:43,235 Two minutes, 36. 971 00:57:43,270 --> 00:57:45,210 Right, reset then. Reset. 972 00:57:45,245 --> 00:57:47,157 1.342.36 1.34, 2.36. 973 00:57:49,026 --> 00:57:50,790 There you go. 974 00:57:51,820 --> 00:57:54,725 'Sadly, our efforts were a bit pointless 975 00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:57,710 'because all Jeremy had to do to win overall victory 976 00:57:57,745 --> 00:58:00,780 'was run calm and steady. 977 00:58:00,815 --> 00:58:02,465 'And he knew that. ' 978 00:58:02,500 --> 00:58:05,790 He who shall be slowest shall be first. 979 00:58:05,825 --> 00:58:07,360 'But then... ' 980 00:58:07,395 --> 00:58:07,395 Mmmm... 981 00:58:09,330 --> 00:58:12,640 I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet. 982 00:58:13,670 --> 00:58:15,520 I don't like being overtaken. 983 00:58:15,555 --> 00:58:17,660 It's a sign of weakness. 984 00:58:17,695 --> 00:58:21,677 Let's have him. 985 00:58:21,712 --> 00:58:25,660 O- o-o-o-oh! Power! 986 00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:29,700 What's Jeremy doing? 987 00:58:29,735 --> 00:58:31,740 Out of my way! 988 00:58:32,650 --> 00:58:35,695 Oh, yes! 989 00:58:35,730 --> 00:58:40,055 No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o! 990 00:58:40,090 --> 00:58:42,510 'My little car may have been a bit broken 991 00:58:42,545 --> 00:58:44,930 'but I wasn't going to let it get beaten. ' 992 00:58:46,250 --> 00:58:49,280 Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that! 993 00:58:49,315 --> 00:58:51,730 'Joan even forgot the maths. ' 994 00:58:51,765 --> 00:58:53,790 Grrrrrrr! 995 00:58:56,360 --> 00:58:59,340 No, this is very bad! 996 00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:02,325 Oh, yes! 997 00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:03,940 Yes, what do you think of that! 998 00:59:03,975 --> 00:59:05,685 Loser! 999 00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:08,815 'But then the penny dropped. ' 1000 00:59:08,850 --> 00:59:13,700 What I've done, I think, is accidentally got involved in a race with a Mustang, 1001 00:59:13,735 --> 00:59:17,255 and ruined my time. 1002 00:59:17,290 --> 00:59:20,570 'Back at the pits, there was even more bad news. ' 1003 00:59:20,605 --> 00:59:23,955 So James May was perfect? Yes. 1004 00:59:23,990 --> 00:59:26,815 Damn it. I don't want to hear that. 1005 00:59:26,850 --> 00:59:30,110 James, you might be in with a shout at beating me. 1006 00:59:30,145 --> 00:59:31,325 Have you got your lap times? 1007 00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:34,640 They're pretty consistent. But we're only doing it to the nearest second. 1008 00:59:35,610 --> 00:59:38,390 He was only doing it to the nearest second! 1009 00:59:38,425 --> 00:59:39,345 Hammond, 1010 00:59:39,380 --> 00:59:42,440 he may have a flower on his helmet... What? 1011 00:59:42,475 --> 00:59:44,192 .. but he's still James May, so... 1012 00:59:44,227 --> 00:59:45,875 Have you put a flower on it as well? 1013 00:59:45,910 --> 00:59:48,070 That's what I was laughing at, there's a flower on your hat. 1014 00:59:48,105 --> 00:59:52,260 Have a look. Bloody hell. 1015 00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:57,250 'We now had to wait to see if James had pipped me at the post. 1016 00:59:57,285 --> 00:59:59,997 'But either way, it didn't really matter 1017 01:00:00,032 --> 01:00:02,406 'because our three King's Lynn crocks 1018 01:00:02,441 --> 01:00:04,745 'had made it to the finishing line. 1019 01:00:04,780 --> 01:00:09,150 'And on the way, they'd wormed their way into our hearts. 1020 01:00:09,185 --> 01:00:11,655 'In short, on this glorious island, 1021 01:00:11,690 --> 01:00:18,540 'all of us, in our own way, had fallen a little bit in love. ' 1022 01:00:25,900 --> 01:00:28,380 This is the bet, 25 pounds. 1023 01:00:28,415 --> 01:00:29,365 Yeah. 1024 01:00:29,400 --> 01:00:29,400 25 pounds. So, who do I give it to? 1025 01:00:30,180 --> 01:00:33,965 Who do I give it to? 1026 01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:37,870 You give it, Richard Hammond,... 1027 01:00:37,905 --> 01:00:39,385 to James May. 1028 01:00:39,420 --> 01:00:42,840 What?! He is the winner. 1029 01:00:44,880 --> 01:00:47,875 Thank you. 1030 01:00:47,910 --> 01:00:51,850 Anyway, I have to say, all of us have fallen in love with the cars we had out there 1031 01:00:51,885 --> 01:00:54,555 to such an extent that for the first time ever, 1032 01:00:54,590 --> 01:00:57,695 after a film, all three of us have actually bought them from the BBC. 1033 01:00:57,730 --> 01:01:00,750 Well, I had to buy the Lanchester, Granddad built it, it's part of the family. 1034 01:01:00,785 --> 01:01:04,340 Now, I do have a bit of a disappointment for you on that, 1035 01:01:04,375 --> 01:01:06,735 Hammond, because you see I discovered, 1036 01:01:06,770 --> 01:01:11,195 before the rally began if I'm honest, um... 1037 01:01:11,230 --> 01:01:14,430 How can I put this? This particular Lanchester was built 1038 01:01:14,465 --> 01:01:17,595 by Barkers, not Mulliners. 1039 01:01:17,630 --> 01:01:21,720 What? Which means that what you've done is bought at great expense 1040 01:01:21,755 --> 01:01:24,045 a car built by SOMEBODY'S granddad. 1041 01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:28,035 Oh, God! On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, 1042 01:01:28,070 --> 01:01:32,000 it's time to end, see you next week, thank you for watching, good night.