1 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,160 Tonight, we drive down a sewer. 2 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,400 We power slide across a field. 3 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,400 And some other things as well. I can't see where I'm going. 4 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 5 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,760 Thank you, everybody. Hello! 6 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,200 Hello. Welcome. 7 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,400 Hello. Thank you, thank you. 8 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,440 Now... 9 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,080 what do you suppose is the slowest means of transport 10 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,600 in this day and age? 11 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,040 Canal boat? 12 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,720 WOMAN: James May. 13 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,000 James May. 14 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,920 Getting a piggyback from James May, possibly. 15 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,360 Turns out, though, the answer is air travel, 16 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,720 as Richard Hammond explains. 17 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,000 This is an airport. 18 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,480 It's a place where you wait around a lot. 19 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,000 But the waiting isn't just because of delayed planes. 20 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,920 No, the problem runs deeper than that. 21 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,360 Everything that moves at an airport just takes an age. 22 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:19,560 The tug that drags the plane to the gate crawls like a snail. 23 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:23,560 The bus that ferries the passengers to the place is deathly slow. 24 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,360 The catering truck is always late, 25 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,760 the fuel truck just meanders about with no sense of urgency 26 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,200 and as for that little thing 27 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,600 that drags the luggage around in a big train, 28 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,040 maybe that's the reason 29 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,920 why you have to wait for a year at the luggage carousel. 30 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,120 Net result - misery. 31 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,760 In fact, some youngsters who check in to fly somewhere on a school trip 32 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,920 often die of old age in the departure lounge. 33 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,880 And that's an actual fact. 34 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,640 Time, then, for Top Gear to step in, 35 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,280 and in the same we solved the bendy bus issue, 36 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,680 we shall tackle this problem through the crucible of motor sport. 37 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,800 Let's begin by assembling a selection of typical airport vehicles. 38 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,280 First up, the aircraft steps. 39 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,360 Never there when you need them. Hope they can buck their ideas up. 40 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,960 Then we have the thing that lugs the luggage around, 41 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,680 complete with...luggage. 42 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:22,600 The fuel tanker, heavy and full of... 43 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,920 stuff. 44 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,200 Fuel. 45 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,960 Next, the bendy bus that ferries the passengers around. 46 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,920 We're already pretty familiar with those. 47 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:37,560 Ah, the fire engine. Absolutely no excuse for tardiness for that one. 48 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,000 And the catering truck. 49 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,680 Always late, sometimes better if it didn't turn up at all. 50 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,560 And finally, 51 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,520 the heaviest beast of all - the aircraft tug. 52 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,440 So, there we are - 53 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,880 a group of machines that normally trundle around at a snail's pace. 54 00:02:55,880 --> 00:03:00,640 But just think how much faster the whole airport experience would be 55 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,440 if we could speed things up. 56 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,120 To show the airport bosses 57 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,000 just what untapped potential these machines have, 58 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,960 welcome to the inaugural 59 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:15,080 Top Gear Various Airport Vehicles Motor Sport Challenge Race... 60 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,680 Challenge. 61 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,240 Our venue for this ground-breaking event 62 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,600 is London's Heathrow Airport, just outside London. 63 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,280 Normally it is a lot busier than this 64 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,440 but the people who run Heathrow closed it for the day 65 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:38,080 and they've moved all the jumbos and, um, terminals off to the side, 66 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,880 out of shot... 67 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,000 They have, that's what they've done. 68 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:47,200 So, with that taken care of, all I need now are some drivers. 69 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,800 Sadly, the airport ground staff just won't cut the mustard. 70 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,640 But guess who I ran into in Duty Free. 71 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,320 Touring car legend, Tom Chilton. 72 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,840 Touring car legend, Matt Neal. 73 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,200 Touring car legend, Mat Jackson. 74 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,800 Touring car legend, Gordon Shedden. 75 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,120 Touring car legend, Anthony Reid. 76 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,680 And truck racing legend, Stuart Oliver. 77 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,320 The drivers climbed into their chosen machines, 78 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,400 leaving me with the fire engine. 79 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,080 I can't reach the switch. 80 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,720 ENGINE STARTS 81 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:33,920 Yeah! 82 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:40,200 All of these vehicles have very different engines and what have you, 83 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,640 and so whichever one wins today 84 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,000 is the vehicle we will be recommending 85 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,960 all future aircraft vehicles are based on, 86 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,760 regardless of function or task. 87 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,560 ENGINES REV 88 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,360 This is a pretty serious scientific experiment, 89 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,640 so I have stressed to the other drivers 90 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,600 in the strongest possible terms, 91 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,280 absolutely no body contact whatsoever. 92 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,280 We're away! 93 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,040 The catering lorry - I can't believe how that took off! 94 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,880 'Although the fire truck was incredibly noisy...' 95 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,120 ENGINE WHINES 96 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,320 '..on paper, it had got winning potential.' 97 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:49,840 'On the minus side, however, it was still a fire truck.' 98 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,200 'Very soon, I was falling back.' 99 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:09,440 Oh, no! I mean, what good would this be in an emergency situation 100 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,200 if the bloody catering truck gets there before the fire engine?! 101 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,120 'And predictably, with me out of the way, 102 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:20,240 'the touring car boys were ignoring my strict no-contact rule. 103 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:30,840 'If I was to get back in and restore order, I needed to act fast.' 104 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,920 There, that'll do. 105 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,480 Ha-ha! 106 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,720 Oh! Yep. 107 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,320 I can't see where I'm going. I can't see. 108 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,520 I wonder what's happened to the world. 109 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,360 'But the crash diet did the trick.' 110 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:53,000 I'm back in the race in my lightweight fire truck superleggera! 111 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,640 Yes! 112 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,040 'Unfortunately, 113 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,640 'the other drivers weren't impressed with the new track conditions.' 114 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,520 That's lapped the bendy bus! 115 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,920 Ah-ha-ha-ha! 116 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:27,360 'Several laps into the race and no clear winner was emerging.' 117 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,360 The stairs in front of me now, they're an unknown quanti...TY! 118 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,120 Oh, my God! 119 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:40,200 'So, with great regret, I ordered the drivers to turn up the wick.' 120 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,720 Maximum revs! 121 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,960 'Pretty soon, the results started to come, 122 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:56,680 'with the fuel tender taking a pretty serious kicking from the catering truck.' 123 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,960 The fuel lorry is out. 124 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,880 Oh! 125 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,600 'With just two laps to go, 126 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,280 'the 29-tonne tug and the luggage trolley 127 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,480 'were at the back in a fight of their own. 128 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,520 'And following an accidental manoeuvre by me...' 129 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,400 Woah! '..the bendy bus was now crippled, 130 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:43,840 'meaning it was now all down to me, the catering truck and the stairs. 131 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,960 'Correction - make that me and the catering truck. 132 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:56,800 'Which, as we entered the final lap, had suddenly changed tactics.' 133 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,320 Woah! What's he done with that?! 134 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,280 'What he'd done was genius.' 135 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:19,360 'The lightweight catering truck shot into the lead.' 136 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,800 Woah! 137 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,440 'But the racing driver, 138 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,720 'being a racing driver, 139 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,000 'had forgotten about the laws of physics.' 140 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,120 That is the catering truck out of it. 141 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,680 That is good news indeed. Yeah! 142 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,360 Ahh! There you go! 143 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,200 'So, airports of the world, take note.' 144 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,640 From now on, 145 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,840 all airport vehicles will be based on the fire engine, 146 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,360 which will be brilliant 147 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,080 as long as there isn't a fire. 148 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,120 CHEERING 149 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,800 Excellent work. 150 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,560 Excellent science, Doctor. 151 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,240 Excellent science. 152 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:12,360 More of that. More research, yeah. 153 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,560 Now let's do the news. 154 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,880 Yes, let's. Right... Oh, yes. 155 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,600 Every week, the Daily Mirror runs a story 156 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,200 saying that we've done something unspeakable. 157 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,840 You know, we've stolen all the Army's helicopters 158 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,360 or we've accidentally clubbed an old lady to death with a baby seal. 159 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,760 This week, OK, 160 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,560 the story they chose to run with was this. 161 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,160 OK? Here it is. 162 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,720 Big story saying that... 163 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,600 homosexuals are banned from the Top Gear studio audience. 164 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,040 Now, seriously, honestly, 165 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:48,240 I've never read such rubbish in my life, ever. Now, it is true... 166 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:52,400 LAUGHTER ..that we like an even split of men and women in the audience, 167 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,640 otherwise it's a bit like the early days 168 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,960 when we only got the Subaru owners club, and that's a bit grizzly. 169 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,720 But we do not actually insist 170 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,440 that you sleep with the person you come to the studio with. No. 171 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,640 I mean, often, you know, mums come down with their sons 172 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,440 and we're not suggesting that... 173 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,040 You know, that's... No, we're not. But everybody's welcome. Exactly. 174 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,440 The truth is, we welcome homosexual couples here. We do. 175 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,920 We particularly like the lesbian sort. Oh, God! 176 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,600 Oh, no. No, no, no. 177 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:25,840 I saw a film about lesbians on the internet once. Oh, God! 178 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,000 LAUGHTER 179 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,800 It looked very interesting. 180 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,840 Now, BMW, OK, have made...they've made this. It's an M5 CSL, OK? 181 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,680 It's got a carbon fibre roof, 182 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,400 it's got a longer-stroke engine, 5.5 litres, 580 horsepower. 183 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,360 That is 20 seconds a lap faster round the Nurburgring 184 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,720 than the standard M5. 185 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,680 Wow. LAUGHTER 186 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,360 I know. The big "wow" is... Do you know what it is? 187 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,640 They're not going to make it, and that's weird to me. 188 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,560 Why go to all that trouble if you're not going to make it? 189 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,280 That's like...sleeping with a woman when you don't want to have a baby. 190 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:07,760 No, that doesn't work, does it? That's the worst metaphor ever. 191 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,440 You're on your own with that! The real reason I brought this up 192 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,880 are these BMW racing colours, 193 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,160 because you don't see racing colours any more in motor racing. 194 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:22,040 You remember the Alitalia colours and the Martini... 195 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,120 It's a good point, because these days, you get a white car 196 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,000 and then it just says something like "Panasonic". Ugh! 197 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,920 Those new teams coming into F1, 198 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,840 they should choose their sponsors 199 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,640 according to which sponsors are going to give them the best-looking car. 200 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,040 With the Sheffield team that we talked about, 201 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,880 they could get sponsored by... well, by a local band. 202 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,320 The Human League! 203 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,280 They could all have helmets that are shorter on one side! 204 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,120 Because you know Timo Glock. 205 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:52,320 He was working as a waiter in a cocktail bar. 206 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:57,120 They don't want him. They picked him up, turned him around and turned him into something new. 207 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,600 Yes, all right, enough '80s lyrics references! 208 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,400 I know what would make an excellent sponsor for a motor racing team. 209 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,120 If you say Morrisons, I'm going to stab you in the heart. 210 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,600 No, I think After Eight mints. 211 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,480 There's that dark green with a little gold stripe on. 212 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,400 Does... Aston Martin. 213 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,200 Dark green... They race at Le Mans... Yeah. 214 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,720 ..24-hour race. 215 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,480 It would be after eight in an After eight car! 216 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,960 Make that happen. Do it. 217 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:29,400 What about Cooper's marmalade? You could have an orange racing car but with bits in. 218 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,520 What? 219 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,560 You could have beef Hula Hoops. 220 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:33,760 Um... 221 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,640 Bovril... Not Bovril. Bisto! 222 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,120 Then you could have that white thing down the car that could say, "Aah"! 223 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:44,880 James, you're just naming things you like and they're all brown! 224 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,480 James May's Formula Brown! 225 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,520 "Look, Church's shoes is overtaking the cottage pie"! 226 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,960 What would you rather...? Yes, but what would you rather have - 227 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,680 gravy overtakes pie 228 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:58,640 or the gone-bust bank overtakes the Japanese producer of electronics? 229 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,600 He's got a point. No, I'd want to watch that. 230 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:06,040 Why have I got a vision of James May smearing himself with marmalade?! Oh, my God! 231 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,640 Now, hey. 232 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,240 You know we're living in the most stupid country in the world? 233 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,320 You have mentioned that... every week at about this time. 234 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,840 OK, get this, right. 235 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,720 It's the Royal Commission on Environmental Pollution 236 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:22,480 is backing a recent call from the scientific journal Nature, OK, 237 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,720 suggesting that we should turn off all the streetlights 238 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,240 and drive around in darkness. 239 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,080 Isn't that a bit dangerous? Yes. 240 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,200 They say if you turn the lights off, it WILL increase accidents, 241 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,960 and presumably deaths and casualties, by ten per cent, 242 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,040 but they say it's a price worth paying 243 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,800 as it'll make life better for nocturnal creatures 244 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,040 like bats and badgers and Patrick Moore. 245 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:49,800 They say that too much light creates dark and shady areas 246 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,120 where criminals can hide. 247 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:56,760 Are they saying that light creates more dark and shady places 248 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,520 than, for example, darkness? 249 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,720 What are they talking about?! There's... 250 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:04,760 I thought it would be a good idea to find a picture of the scientist behind this 251 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:08,440 so we could put a picture of him up and we could all laugh at his beard. 252 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,760 It turns out he doesn't have a beard. 253 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,160 But I think he does have a problem with light, 254 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,240 because this is the only picture I could find. 255 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,240 Ahh, what's happened?! 256 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,000 He's a vampire - that's why he wants to make it dark! 257 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,440 He does. What do we need to get him? 258 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,280 MAN: Wooden stake. A wooden stake! 259 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,520 We need a wooden stake to drive through his Pringle jumper, 260 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,080 I think he's wearing. 261 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,200 Hey, listen. 262 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,560 Do you want an Audi A4, OK, 263 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:39,520 that's much more expensive and harder to park? 264 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,640 Yes, I do. Good news, because this week, 265 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,200 we've received news that there's a new Audi A8. 266 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,520 It's designed by a man called Mick Dick. 267 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,680 LAUGHTER 268 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,560 I've got... No, no, no, I've got the bumf here, OK? Um... 269 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,080 Has he anything interesting to tell us about it? 270 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,480 JEREMY MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY 271 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,160 No. 272 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,520 Well...what does it look like? 273 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,440 No idea. This is the picture they sent, OK? 274 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,120 It's under a cloth! Yes. 275 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,480 Who's he? Mick Dick. Oh, that's him! Yeah. 276 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:25,600 Best friend, as it turns out, of Billy Willy! 277 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,720 They work for Bob Knob, do they?! 278 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,800 With Roger Todger. 279 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,080 They were going to get it designed by the Scottish car designer... 280 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,520 Jock Cock! 281 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,240 Actually, 282 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,640 there was something interesting in here, OK? 283 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,200 There was, genuinely, right? 284 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,560 What Audi has done is they've outlined what the A8 customer is. 285 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,560 GERMAN ACCENT: And they say... he is highly affluent 286 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,440 with an average income of 500,000 a year, 287 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,680 er... 288 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,160 he is 58 years old 289 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,480 er, highly educated, 290 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,760 mostly married. 291 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,800 Mostly married? How? What does that... So he's married down to there? 292 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,600 And this bit is separated? 293 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,840 Yeah, it says he's got a few children still in the household. 294 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,760 What, in the basement? Yeah, he's a kidnapper as well. 295 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,280 Anyone here who is 58 years old, on half a million dollars a year 296 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:21,040 with divorced shins and some children in the basement? 297 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,520 LAUGHTER 298 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,000 Oh, dear, Mick Dick's cocked up. 299 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,440 He's built a car for someone who doesn't exist. 300 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:36,160 Yeah. So let's move on. You see, it doesn't matter what sort of a person you are. 301 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,640 There is always a car to suit. 302 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:43,360 If, for example, you're an air hostess, you can have an Audi TT. 303 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,640 If you're a Freemason, hm, you can have a Lexus. 304 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,480 If you have huge ears with hair sprouting out of them, 305 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,840 you can have a Peugeot 3008. 306 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,120 LAUGHTER 307 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,120 But...what if you're mad? 308 00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:01,520 What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome with an uncontrollable need to lick it? 309 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,920 There's never been a car to suit you...until now. 310 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,000 This is no ordinary BMW X5. 311 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,200 This is an S&M X5. 312 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,080 What they've done is taken the standard car 313 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:28,760 and inserted under the bonnet a 555 horsepower, 4.4 litre twin-turbo-charged V8. 314 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:34,040 The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel 315 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,960 in your underpants. 316 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,520 Gallon of fuel gone there. 317 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,800 There's another one gone. And another. 318 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,440 This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists 319 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,040 if its engine ran on sliced dolphin. 320 00:18:55,800 --> 00:19:03,200 Still, it produces more power and more torque than a Ferrari 430 Scuderia. 321 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,080 So, despite the enormous weight, we're told that in a drag race, 322 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:15,400 it should be able to make mincemeat out of most sports cars. 323 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,360 Go! 324 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:31,040 Yep. This is a five-litre, super-charged sports car. 325 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,880 HE LAUGHS And it's winning. 326 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,200 Yeah, there you go - look. There's Usain Bolt. 327 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:41,200 Thrashing John Prescott here, contrary to the information we received. 328 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,200 We weren't expecting that. We looked up some figures in the office 329 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,920 and they suggested that this would win and now it hasn't. 330 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,440 That's a bit embarrassing. 331 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,880 The handling is equally surprising. 332 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,320 But in a good way. 333 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:14,920 It is remarkable that here I am four miles high in the sky 334 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:19,080 driving a car that weighs slightly more than the centre of the earth. 335 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,560 And it's fine. It's better than fine. 336 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,440 It's not an M5, but for something like this, it's amazing. 337 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,000 And of course, it's all great, 338 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:34,480 but in a big 4x4 school bus, what's the point? 339 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:41,360 I don't know what the world record is for the most amount of sick to come out of a child, 340 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:46,560 but I reckon if you put a nine-year-old in the back of one of these and drove like this... 341 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,240 ..he could beat it. 342 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:03,000 And look at this. This tells you how much torque is going to each wheel 343 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,240 at any given moment. 344 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,400 Can you imagine bringing that up on a first date? 345 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,200 Have you seen this, my dear? Look at that. 346 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,520 I reckon you'd be in there. Mm-mm. 347 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,760 This, then, is a silly car. 348 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,520 And also, it's not very good. 349 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,880 The seats are hard and unsupportive. 350 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,480 The ride on normal roads is very uncomfortable, if I'm honest. 351 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:32,920 And I don't know about you, but I find this interior rather boring, apart from that, obviously - 352 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,680 the torque thing. 353 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,880 It's like sitting in someone's ear. 354 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:42,920 What's more, because it's fast, it has fat tyres and firm suspension. 355 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,520 And that's created another problem. 356 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:54,280 What they've done is built a car that can sort of go off-road and then converted it so that now 357 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,960 it can't any more. 358 00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:01,600 Still, if you want one, get your nurse to find you a crayon 359 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,080 and write out a cheque for £76,000. 360 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,240 Or, if you don't understand how crayons work, 361 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:15,000 you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi. 362 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,680 On the face of it, this Q7 appears to be quite sensible. 363 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,440 Unlike the X5, it comes with seven seats which move about 364 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,480 to suit your every need. 365 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,720 And under the bonnet, there's a diesel engine. 366 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:37,200 Sadly, however, it's not a diesel engine that makes any sense at all. 367 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:46,880 You see, it's a six-litre twin-turbo-charged V12 diesel. 368 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:52,160 Now, I'm sorry, but the whole point of buying a diesel engine car is to save money, 369 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:57,840 so having a twin-turbo V12 diesel is like turning your central heating off at home 370 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,560 and then keeping warm by burning Rembrandts. 371 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:05,280 Still, at least you get a lot of torques. 372 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:09,840 738 of them, in fact. 373 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,440 That's 200 more than you get from a Zonda R. 374 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:19,480 Nought to 60 takes five and a half seconds. 375 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,520 Top speed is limited to 155 miles an hour. 376 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:29,960 And it stops because it's got ceramic brakes. In a diesel! 377 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,440 But it's the go, really. That's the astonishing bit. 378 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:41,480 I'm not kidding. This car could bump-start a jumbo jet. 379 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,000 But only if you fit it with a towbar, 380 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,160 which is an £830 option. 381 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:53,240 I don't know about you, but that seems a bit steep on a car which costs £96,000. 382 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:02,080 Apart from the fact that these cars, with their mighty engines, 383 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,240 have brought sunshine where before there was rain, 384 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,800 they are completely bonkers and pointless. 385 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:14,320 However, happily, there is a third way of wasting your money. 386 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:26,480 This new Range Rover is heavier than the Audi and the BMW. 387 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,240 And slower. And thirstier. 388 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,760 And at £80,000, it's not exactly cheap either. 389 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,120 But unlike its German rivals, 390 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,760 it does still work when it's off-road. 391 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,360 All this computer gubbins down here means that you can keep going 392 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,760 when nature would rather you turned round and went home. 393 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,000 Bit like now, really. 394 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,960 And there's another thing. 395 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:05,400 The buttons and switches in the BMW and the Audi are just taken out of normal saloon cars. 396 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:10,760 In the Range Rover, they're big and chunky so you can use them while wearing gloves. 397 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,800 Little things. 398 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:22,920 What's more, the Range Rover is more majestic that the Germans. More dignified. 399 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:27,920 It's way more comfortable too, and some of the toys that can be specified these days 400 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,400 are just unbelievable. 401 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,040 There are five cameras all around the car 402 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,880 and you can call up the images they're taking on the screen here. 403 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,120 There they are. 404 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,280 Then you choose which ones you want to enlarge. 405 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,360 So I'll take that one looking front left and that one looking backwards. 406 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,360 Push enlarge. There we are. 407 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:56,680 We're coming up to the Hammerhead, going the wrong way. 408 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,240 Let's have the forward view there. 409 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:03,520 Now, let's see how well I clip the apex on that. 410 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,360 Oh, yes! Looking good. 411 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,880 There it is. Over the red and white lines. Now, here we go. 412 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,720 Let's switch to the rear camera as we power down the main straight. 413 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,920 You know what? 414 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,600 We don't really need a film crew or a director to make Top Gear any more. 415 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,120 In fact, I think I'm going to run them down. 416 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,040 Yes, I am. Run! 417 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,920 This has become a snuff movie. 418 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:33,680 Before you write in to complain, I should explain that what I'm doing now is saving your licence fee 419 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,120 on expensive crew. 420 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,600 We don't need them. I can do it all here myself. 421 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,160 Come here! You're just an expensive waste of time there. 422 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,760 We don't need you any more! 423 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:58,160 Mind you, some of the features on this new model are not so good. 424 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:04,920 These days, the grille is way to Cheshire and even the gills now have their own annoying styling details. 425 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:14,560 But the biggest problem, in this version at least, is the engine. 426 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:20,520 In essence, it's the same five-litre super-charged V8 that you get in a Jag these days, 427 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:26,840 and that's jolly nice if you live in Houston or Abu Dhabi or somewhere else where petrol is cheap. 428 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,600 But here, 429 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:33,960 hmm, I'm the world's biggest Range Rover fan, 430 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:39,040 but I have to admit that this engine in Britain 431 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,240 makes no sense at all. 432 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:47,960 I'd buy the diesel-engined Range Rover in a heartbeat, 433 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,960 but with a massive petrol engine, this is like the other cars here. 434 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,880 Really rather ridiculous. 435 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,120 APPLAUSE 436 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,480 I hate to say it, but I agree with you. 437 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,000 You do? I do. About what? 438 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,920 Because the diesel Range Rover is just fabulous 439 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,640 because, well, it's just like the petrol Ranger, 440 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,440 but the diesel makes a better noise. It does. Incredibly. 441 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,920 And you only have to stop and fill it up every 500 miles, rather than every 500 yards. 442 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,040 No question. You see, the thing is, if you get the diesel, 443 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,720 you still get that amazing screen that allows you to make movies. 444 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,760 But there's so much more to it than that. 445 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:41,640 For obvious reasons, you can't watch a DVD while you're driving along, for example, OK? 446 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:46,520 But if we look at this, OK? The passenger here is looking at a DVD. 447 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,680 Yes? You can see that. 448 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,800 But if we look at the screen from where I'm sitting, 449 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:56,200 it's satellite navigation. Same screen - look at this. I see sat nav. 450 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,560 Where the passenger is sitting, they can see a DVD. 451 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,400 On the same screen! Come back again, look. 452 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:09,560 Sat nav. This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. 453 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:14,320 And it doesn't end there, either, does it? Those cameras you were talking about... No, no, no. 454 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,200 I'd forgotten. Look at this. You can see OK. 455 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,760 We zoom in, zoom in like this. 456 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:25,280 And then you can move it up... Oh, you can actually move the camera! Look at that. 457 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,880 That's brilliant! 458 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,400 Who invented that? 459 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:34,240 APPLAUSE 460 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:37,240 Yes! That is just genius. 461 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,480 Would you like to go round the back? Sorry, mate? 462 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,880 Oh, the... Yes! The cameras at the back. Look at the back. 463 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:48,800 Zoom in. In, in. No, no, no, no, no! Now look what you've done. 464 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:52,760 I'm sorry. It's disgusting. Sorry. 465 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,960 APPLAUSE 466 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,560 Now, look... That's a disappointment. 467 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,200 If you two could just stop mucking around for a minute, 468 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,160 I've got a quite a serious point to make over here. 469 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,760 If you want to spend more money on your Range Rover, for Pete's sake, 470 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:10,920 don't spend it trying to make it go faster because you'll ruin it. 471 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,600 Instead, why not spend it on making it a bit more luxurious? 472 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:19,240 Now, a company called Overfinch has collaborated with Holland & Holland, 473 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:24,280 the gun-makers, to produce this. Yeah, now, it's still a Range Rover, 474 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,760 so inside you've got the clever amazing witchcraft screen and everything, but a bit more. 475 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,600 So, for instance, this wood here, 476 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,160 you've got this marquetry work in it. Lovely. 477 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,360 And these panels on the steering wheel. 478 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,560 You can have these custom-engraved to match your own shotguns. 479 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:45,080 Obviously! The leather is the stuff they use on the very finest business jets. 480 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:49,040 And in the back, you do lose a seat, but instead you get this piece of furniture 481 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,520 from the bedroom of Louis XIV. More exquisite marquetry. 482 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,120 In here there is some nice cut glass. 483 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:59,080 And down here, there is a refrigerator, 484 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,960 and it is a refrigerator, not merely a slightly chilly cubbyhole. 485 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:08,960 The cost of all this is £139,000. 486 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:10,480 AUDIENCE MURMUR 487 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:12,520 Now, that is a lot of money, 488 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:17,880 but then this car does come with the best optional extra ever fitted to any car 489 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:22,240 in the whole of human history, I think I'm right in saying. Yeah, yeah. You're right. 490 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,200 OK, it's this chest here in the back. 491 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:29,200 In this drawer here we find, OK, there is space for your gun. 492 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:35,040 This particular gun in this one, they actually cost more than the car does. 493 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,240 RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER No, seriously. 494 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,560 OK, so that's the guns, right, on this side. 495 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,520 And what goes with guns? You're right - drink. 496 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,400 And so... LAUGHTER 497 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:49,960 ..in here we find the glasses, the vodka, the whisky, obviously, 498 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:55,800 the champagne - Pol Roger - is in the fridge in the car itself. And here is the really amazing bit. 499 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,120 This is what's called a self-replenishing drinks cabinet. 500 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:04,800 For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, 501 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:08,560 they come round and top them up free of charge. 502 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,720 Wow! Wow. 503 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:15,160 Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet? 504 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:17,400 I'll tell you what, if I bought this car, 505 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:22,280 the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came. 506 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:28,000 It would still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel, but then the man arrived with more champagne. 507 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,880 I just want one of those. No, it is. I mean, really and truthfully, 508 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,800 this is the car to buy if you are sensible. 509 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:37,360 Or if you're a drunk! 510 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:44,080 But if you are insane, you will doubtless now want to know how fast the BMW S&M X whatever it is 511 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,960 and the Audi V12 diesel go round our track, 512 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,840 and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver. 513 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,480 Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car 514 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,920 contains 14 different types of custard. 515 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,880 LAUGHTER 516 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,240 And while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, 517 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,320 he's never once hit a fire hydrant. 518 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,760 LAUGHTER 519 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,240 All we know, he's called the Stig! 520 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:16,960 And they're off, lumbering down to the first corner 521 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:18,720 like two fat rhinos in trainers. 522 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,160 Beginning to forget what our tracks looks like in the dry. 523 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:24,080 Still, at least these silly cars 524 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,440 have four-wheel drive to help them along. 525 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:28,520 Oh, dear, that's not very interesting 526 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:29,760 as they go round the first corner. 527 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:33,440 MUSIC: "Any Old Iron" by Peter Sellers 528 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,000 Oh, dear. Still enjoying the sound 529 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:37,880 of Barbara Windsor's wedding. 530 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:42,440 Audi, there - look at it getting all out of shape in Chicago. 531 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:44,840 And now he's heading down to the Hammerhead. 532 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,320 Triggered the hazards under heavy breaking. 533 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,200 That Q7 is really not happy. 534 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:52,040 X5, a little more composed. 535 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,600 Although if you really wanted composed, 536 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,520 obviously you'd be better off 537 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,960 in the M5 Saloon. 538 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:05,240 Into Follow Through, a chance for them to use their big power 539 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,480 to give the laws of physics a bloody nose. 540 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,440 Thundering past the tyres. 541 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:13,120 Obviously, now, two corners left. Audi still flashing away. 542 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,200 BMW getting sideways, there. 543 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,120 Just Gambon left. 544 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:21,480 Here it comes. BMW veering sideways. Steady on, Stig! 545 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,080 And across the line! Well, here we are. Here we are. 546 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:27,000 APPLAUSE 547 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:31,160 Stand by to receive the two most not interesting facts 548 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,160 in the history of British television. 549 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:39,520 The Audi Q7 V12 Diesel did it in 1.33.3. So that's down there. 550 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:45,440 And the BMW X5 M did it in 1.28.2. 551 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,480 So, there we are. Not interesting. 552 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:52,720 Uh, and now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. 553 00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:56,960 My guest tonight is best known for his Cockney gangster movies, 554 00:34:56,960 --> 00:35:00,240 such as Snatch and RocknRolla 555 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:04,200 and Lock and Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. 556 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:10,680 So, everybody, open your mince pies, put your Bobby Sands together, 557 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:14,800 and let's have a rousing round of sores...paws... 558 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:19,760 sores...running, pustulating sores for Guy Ritchie! 559 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:23,600 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 560 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,160 Guy, how are you? 561 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:30,400 Hello, Mr Clarkson, how are you set? Very well. How are you? Have a seat. 562 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,240 Look at that moment! 563 00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:36,440 Thank you very much! That is a big welcome. 564 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,680 Now, I was fascinated when you arrived here this morning. 565 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:43,600 A lot of guests say the same thing. Is it possible to turn the car over? 566 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:47,240 Because they need reassuring that, no, it isn't. 567 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,960 And then Guy said, "No, because I really want to." 568 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:51,880 Well, I had a go. 569 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:55,280 Would anybody like to see some of Guy's practices? OK? 570 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:56,720 AUDIENCE: Yes! 571 00:35:56,720 --> 00:36:01,440 Just early on, this is Guy practising for his lap. 572 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,800 Here we go. You've still got the Stig in the car here. 573 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:08,800 So let's... Look how wet that is! 574 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,440 Wow! That's unbelievable. 575 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,840 HE SHOUTS AND WOOPS 576 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,400 Look at that! We can now plant crops there after that. 577 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,440 LAUGHTER 578 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,680 Now, obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people 579 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,720 are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. 580 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:29,520 Can I just say, this isn't Loose Women. 581 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:32,000 So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear. 582 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,120 And I'm more interested in your love of winching. LAUGHTER 583 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:39,640 No, I'm not kidding, OK? You like... What's it called, Off-Green Laning? 584 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:43,760 Off-roading? Green Laning and a bit of winching. There's nothing like a good winch. 585 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:47,800 As you know, it's a thing. It's quite a nerdy undertaking. 586 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,800 No, there is. There are people who deliberately get stuck. 587 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,800 LAUGHTER 588 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,840 Don't tell me you're one of those. You winch yourself...? 589 00:36:55,840 --> 00:37:00,480 If you're into winching, you get stuck. And you get out and winch yourself out? 590 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:04,800 If you don't get stuck, you can't winch. So you deliberately look to get stuck. 591 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:07,960 I find that fascinating! What's the big appeal of winching a car? 592 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:12,120 It doesn't make any sense. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? 593 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,560 But it's a lot of fun! 594 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,600 LAUGHTER 595 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:19,560 I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching! 596 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:23,240 Now, what do you drive? Actually, I know what you drive. You drive a van! 597 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:26,880 I got a van. Why have you got a van? I love vans. I used to be a van driver. 598 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,600 Ritchie's Removals, it was. LAUGHTER 599 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,720 I wasn't good at Ritchie's Removals. It didn't work. Particularly as a business. 600 00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:39,200 We'd been under a few low bridges and taken a few £1,000 tables out as we went under the low bridges. 601 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:43,560 How do you explain that to the poor unfortunate souls waiting at home for their...? 602 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,840 You have to be very creative. Hence, I became a film-maker. 603 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,120 But you maintained the love of vans. 604 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:52,440 I love a van, yeah. And you now have a Mercedes Sprinter. 605 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:54,960 Yes, I do. Is it just a normal van? 606 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:59,720 No, it's been kitted out a bit in the back. We've got two 42-inch screens in the back of it. 607 00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:02,240 And it's, uh...cushdy. 608 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:03,800 LAUGHTER 609 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:07,600 It's pretty comfy. I mean, you just get so much bang for you buck with a van. 610 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:10,600 How much is a Rolls-Royce Phantom? £250,000. 611 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:14,880 OK. This was 20 grand. We got it second-hand. We spent 40 grand in the back. 60 grand. 612 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:19,200 I can tell you, it's a lot more comfortable than a Phantom. Really? Yeah. 613 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:24,360 Have you done the outside? The A-Team thing with the big wheels...? No, it looks like a builder's van. 614 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,600 "No tools are left in this overnight", written on the back. 615 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,680 There's lots of tools left in it overnight. 616 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:33,600 Ha ha! Oh! Um... 617 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:38,160 So what do you drive when you're not driving your van? I've got the Range Rover outside. 618 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,440 Yeah. Q7. Got an Audi Q7. 619 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,960 Don't like that? I've got to tell you, everyone loves that. 620 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,680 Well, except me. OK. What do you know about cars, anyway? 621 00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:49,480 Not much, actually. 622 00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:52,480 I live on a bicycle. That's the irony. I live in central London 623 00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:56,240 and probably 90% of my travelling is done on a bicycle. 624 00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:59,640 I love bicycles. I shouldn't imagine you like bicycles very much. 625 00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:03,840 I'm not... You'd look good on a bicycle! No, I wouldn't. A Penny Farthing, maybe. 626 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:09,360 I was being sarcastic, actually. I nearly tried to kill a Frenchman on a bicycle the other day. 627 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:13,320 He'd got so much rain on his spectacles, he couldn't see where he was going. 628 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,680 Then he banged on my car. Well, that was it. 629 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:19,960 How did you know he was French? FRENCH ACCENT: Because he was speaking like an idiot, 630 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,560 that is how I knew he was French! 631 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:22,800 LAUGHTER 632 00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,920 Now, you've got no cars, obviously, in your new movie, Sherlock Holmes. 633 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:31,280 Tell us a bit about it. I wanted to do a bigger movie than any movie I've done before. 634 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:34,520 Um, and it seemed like a natural segue from going from, sort of, 635 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:38,560 smaller British gangster kind of things to doing something kind of big-ish. 636 00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:42,400 But I wanted to keep the identity English and there is no greater icon, 637 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,280 I suppose, than Sherlock Holmes. 638 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:47,640 But you've got Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock. 639 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,320 He's got a very good British accent. Has he? 640 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:53,120 We've got a clip. Let's have a look. Very good. 641 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:56,040 I have a request. There's someone I want to see. 642 00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,960 Sherlock Holmes. 643 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:06,000 You and I are bound together on a journey that will twist the very fabric of nature. 644 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:07,480 Allow me to enlighten you. 645 00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:10,760 Tomorrow, the world as you know it will end. 646 00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:14,520 Well, there isn't any time to waste, then, is there? 647 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:24,400 It does make a considerable difference to me having someone with me on whom I can thoroughly rely on. 648 00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,600 It's nice to see you, Watson. 649 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:31,080 Oh, yes! That is big budget! APPLAUSE 650 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:35,880 Is that CGI? Some of it. That's a big budget thing going on right there. 651 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,400 I see what you mean about his accent. 652 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:42,880 You can see we had deeper pockets on this one. When's that coming out? 653 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,640 Boxing Day in the UK, Christmas Day everywhere else. 654 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:50,440 Why isn't it out on Christmas Day here? Everyone's stuffing their face with turkey in the UK. 655 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,000 Um, so these days, you're a publican. 656 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,600 I have a pub. You have a pub in...? 657 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:01,360 Mayfair. Actually, I have to tell everyone a story. Do you mind? Please! 658 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:04,400 This is back in the Fulham days. I used to go to this place. 659 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:09,200 On the Wandsworth Bridge Road, OK? Get there before ten, guaranteed lock-in. 660 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,960 Then one day, a new manager started at this place. 661 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:15,000 A new manager, no more lock-ins. "Out. Get lost." 662 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:18,240 20 years later, I was walking down the Fulham Road and I ran into 663 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:21,480 the original barman, now a security guard outside a hospital. 664 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:25,480 So I said, "What happened to that bolshie bastard that came and took over you?" 665 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,600 He said, "I tell you what happened to him. He married Madonna." 666 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:33,560 You stopped us having... You stopped us having... APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER 667 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,960 I been dying to get that off... Joe's Brasserie. 668 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,240 Did you come and work as manager there? 669 00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:43,560 It was either me or Sean Penn, and I don't think Sean Penn worked in Joe's Brasserie. 670 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:44,760 LAUGHTER 671 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,680 Now, obviously you came down here to do your lap. 672 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,720 We've already established - quite wet. 673 00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:56,640 I mean, the wettest we've ever had. but nevertheless, who would like to see Guy's lap? 674 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,320 AUDIENCE: Yes! Right, Guy, let's have a look. 675 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:01,720 Soaking wet. 676 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:05,240 And you can't cut the corners - this is the important thing. 677 00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:08,920 Oh, come on, son! Wow! 678 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,920 OK, there's the first corner. 679 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:15,440 No suicidal tendencies into it. 680 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,640 But plenty coming out. 681 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,840 That's quite poo, actually. 682 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,320 LAUGHTER 683 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:24,280 Off the road a bit, there. 684 00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:27,560 That's looking very neat and tidy. That's good. That's good. 685 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:31,080 This is raining, lads, by the way. I don't know if anyone noticed. 686 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,080 It's quite an unforeseeable thing. 687 00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,640 The water's streaming down the windows! Hammerhead... 688 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,800 Did they put cones out for you today? No, they didn't bother. 689 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,880 Only last week we had that for Chris Evans. Just Radio 2 DJs get that. 690 00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:46,240 Again, that looks neat and tidy and good. 691 00:42:46,240 --> 00:42:49,000 I got to tell you, this is not easy, chaps. 692 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:53,840 Now, this is... That's the Follow Through. Nicely done. 693 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:57,280 Now, I'm into fourth about now. 694 00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:03,080 Second to last corner, can't cut that. 695 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:07,120 Not going to be good. No, you kissed the apex, which is exactly right. 696 00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,760 Can't touch the grass here... 697 00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:13,080 Oh! You have touched it there and across the line! 698 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,520 APPLAUSE 699 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:16,960 Now, that looked good. 700 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:21,200 That looked good, because it didn't look as mad as the practice stuff. 701 00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:25,760 You're leaning forwards. 702 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:30,000 What does that mean? It's a sign. Every week, everybody comes on 703 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:34,120 and and they've been really relaxed and it gets to the time. "I'm not bothered." 704 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,120 MIMICS SQUEAKING CHAIR 705 00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:40,880 Well, I shouldn't be bothered, because I know I did a pretty appalling performance. 706 00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,200 No... 707 00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:43,840 Yes. But... 708 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:47,680 But the thing is, the conditions were dreadful. 709 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:52,080 No question about that. No idea how fast you'd have gone on the dry, but I can tell you, 710 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,240 Guy Ritchie, in the wet, you did it in 711 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:58,360 1.52.5. 712 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:01,560 Which means... I'll give you a very wet. APPLAUSE 713 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,040 ..you go... Oh, that's bad. 714 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,800 Oh! 715 00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:10,000 ..between Tom Jones and Helen Mirren. 716 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,560 Not bad(!) LAUGHTER 717 00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:16,120 So, how many cars did you go through doing that? 718 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:19,080 I went through four cars today. Four? Yep. Four tyres. 719 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:21,360 Punctures? And a gearbox. 720 00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:24,160 And a gearbox? Yeah. 721 00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:25,720 That is a new record! 722 00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:29,640 A record! Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Ritchie! Thank you very much. 723 00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 724 00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:43,560 Bad news! Bad news! 725 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:46,840 We've had another letter from Mr Needham. I shall read it out. 726 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:51,840 "Dear so-called Top Gear. Last year, I asked if you had forgotten how to do normal road tests 727 00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:57,320 "on your so-called television show and you responded with an idiotic feature in which a Ford Fiesta 728 00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:03,240 "was driven at high speed through a shopping centre and then off a Royal Marines landing craft, into the sea." 729 00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:05,560 It was, actually. Well done, Jeremy(!) 730 00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:09,120 "So I ask again. Will you please do a normal test in which the concerns 731 00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:13,160 "of the average viewer are addressed? Yours sincerely, Mr Needham, Belfast." 732 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:16,160 We all thought, "Yeah, fair enough. We must respond." 733 00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,880 And then Jeremy stepped into the breach. Again. 734 00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:26,880 To get Mr Needham off my back, I've actually come to the city where he lives. 735 00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:28,880 Belfast. 736 00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,840 And this is the car I'll be testing. 737 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:40,880 Renault's sporty little Twingo 133. 738 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:44,480 HE COUGHS 739 00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:48,760 Unfortunately, on the way over here yesterday, 740 00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:50,600 I caught a cold. 741 00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,080 Well, when I say cold, it's actually gangrene. 742 00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,640 Of my lungs. 743 00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:58,960 But, I'm a man, so I shall simply... 744 00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:01,160 HE COUGHS 745 00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:02,880 Excuse me. ..soldier on. 746 00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,880 Oh, has anyone got any Night Nurse? 747 00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:15,200 Oh, yes! I should say so. 748 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:19,600 I've always loved small, hot hatchbacks 749 00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,400 and this is one of the best. 750 00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:29,720 It's so nimble and agile. It's like driving a mosquito. 751 00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:32,320 Not literally, of course, Mr Needham. 752 00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:37,560 It's impossible to drive an insect and cruel to even try. 753 00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:41,040 It's pretty quick, too. 754 00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:47,600 Thanks to a revvy 1.6 litre engine, it can get from 0-60 in 8.7 seconds 755 00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:51,480 and on to a top speed of 125. 756 00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:56,120 But is it faster than its big rival? 757 00:46:56,120 --> 00:46:59,360 The Fiat 500 Abarth. 758 00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:05,760 Tell you what, let's find out. 759 00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:08,000 ENGINES REV 760 00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:11,600 TYRES SCREECH 761 00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:12,960 Pleased with my start. 762 00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:23,200 No. 763 00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,440 Very, is the simple answer. 764 00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:35,840 Even if you drive with verve and gusto, you should still average 40 miles to the gallon. 765 00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:41,440 However, that said, the Fiat 500 Abarth will average 43 miles to the gallon. 766 00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:48,600 Simple. 767 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:53,720 The Renault is £1,000 cheaper and you can have one now. 768 00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:57,360 The waiting list for an Abarth stretches into 2010. 769 00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,520 And I shall be dead by then. 770 00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:04,120 In fact, the way I'm feeling, I'll probably be dead by 5.30. 771 00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:07,640 But I'm not making a fuss, I'm just making a point. 772 00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:12,360 Soldiering on on your behalf, Mr Needham. 773 00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:17,760 No. 774 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:20,560 It's red. 775 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,760 HE COUGHS 776 00:48:25,760 --> 00:48:28,640 Sorry, what was the question? 777 00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:34,920 In a nutshell, yes. 778 00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:38,920 If you buy the standard £12,200 car, 779 00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,640 it's not bad at all. 780 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:45,680 But the car I have here has what Renault call, the Cup Chassis. 781 00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:49,920 It's a £650 option which gives you firmer suspension, 782 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:53,520 ultra low-profile tyres and 17-inch wheels. 783 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:58,120 On a track, that's marvellous. 784 00:48:58,120 --> 00:49:01,800 But on a normal road, it is extremely firm. 785 00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,840 The result is that on some bumps, 786 00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:06,720 the jolt is so bad, 787 00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,400 that your lungs can come off. 788 00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:11,360 Like that one. 789 00:49:11,360 --> 00:49:15,400 Is this thorough enough for you, Mr Needham? I hope so. 790 00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:23,400 Its got a radio, air conditioning, electric windows 791 00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,400 and electric door mirrors. 792 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,480 But I'm afraid to say 793 00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:29,920 no parachute system. 794 00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:37,000 So, if you wake up one morning to find that someone has put your car 795 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:39,400 on top of a Harland and Wolff crane, 796 00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:42,640 you're never going to get it down again. 797 00:49:42,640 --> 00:49:45,800 Bad mark for Renault there. 798 00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:57,560 You would be amazed how often I get asked that question. 799 00:49:57,560 --> 00:50:01,040 To get an answer, I've come to the network of sewage tunnels 800 00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:04,440 underneath Belfast and for the next few minutes, 801 00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:08,200 we've asked the people in the city to, erm, cross their legs. 802 00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:12,160 Oh, God! 803 00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:25,640 Oh dear! Splashing! 804 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,880 Oh dear! 805 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:33,560 I've considered the tunnel's diameter, 806 00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:36,720 the car's centre of gravity, everything and I've worked out 807 00:50:36,720 --> 00:50:42,120 the precise speed I need to be going is 17.5 metres per second. 808 00:50:43,240 --> 00:50:45,800 I wish I knew what that was in miles an hour 809 00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:47,960 because that's what I'm getting on the speedo. 810 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:49,800 I think it's about 37. 811 00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:57,080 37mph. It's roughly there. 812 00:50:57,080 --> 00:50:58,880 And here we go. 813 00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:02,200 Building it up. 814 00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:07,160 If this goes wrong, I really am in a world of sh... 815 00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:13,120 Here we go! Aargghh! 816 00:51:13,120 --> 00:51:17,040 TYRES SCREECH 817 00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:18,800 Yes! 818 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:21,240 Aarghh! 819 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,600 There you are, Mr Needham. 820 00:51:23,600 --> 00:51:26,680 If you're looking to drive upside down through 821 00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:31,200 the tunnels of Belfast, Twingo 133 - absolutely ideal. 822 00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:37,600 Obviously, it's not a very large car. 823 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:41,400 But if you push those rear seats all the way back, 824 00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:45,120 there is enough room back there for children. 825 00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:48,640 Then, if you pull them all the way forwards, 826 00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:50,760 there is enough space in the boot 827 00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:52,880 for Ross Kemp. 828 00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:58,240 So, Ross, are you OK in there? A bit of a squeeze but quite comfy. 829 00:51:58,240 --> 00:52:01,400 Quite comfy? Good. Good mark for Renault. 830 00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:08,600 Obviously, we keep being told that global warming is coming 831 00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,520 and that soon, we won't have a winter to worry about. 832 00:52:12,960 --> 00:52:14,560 But we do now. 833 00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:26,400 That's why I've come to a little slice of ice 834 00:52:26,400 --> 00:52:28,400 at the Odyssey Arena. 835 00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,160 ENGINE REVS 836 00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:31,680 TYRES SCREECH 837 00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:34,800 In theory, this should be quite good because 838 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:40,120 in a front-wheel drive car, the heavy engine is pressing down on the driven wheels, 839 00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,440 giving you better grip, better traction. 840 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,080 Here we go! 841 00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:49,720 A lot of revs, first gear, 5,000, 4,000... 842 00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:50,800 20, 30... 843 00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,120 46. 844 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:56,280 107 registered there! 845 00:52:57,480 --> 00:53:00,240 133mph there! 846 00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,880 That is on ice. 847 00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:08,120 On a lot of cars, the anti-lock braking system doesn't work 848 00:53:08,120 --> 00:53:12,080 on snow or ice, so let's see how it is in the Twingo. 849 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:13,400 And... 850 00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:14,600 Brake. 851 00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:19,760 I don't know why I'm looking at my watch - there's no second hand. 852 00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:23,000 That was a long time. 853 00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:29,640 Now, the ice hockey players are here and they want to come on. 854 00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:31,400 I know. Sorry. I'll get off. 855 00:53:31,400 --> 00:53:33,560 Come on! 856 00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:35,400 I'm sorry. I'm trying to leave. 857 00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:36,640 Just bear with me. 858 00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:39,880 This was harder than you might imagine. 859 00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:41,520 There's the exit. 860 00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:45,240 No, I'm not going to make that. I'm not going to make it. 861 00:53:45,240 --> 00:53:48,120 It's going to hit the wall. Mustn't hit the wall. 862 00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:49,360 THEY SHOUT 863 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:50,400 Wait! 864 00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:51,520 Keep your hair on. 865 00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:55,960 Sadly, the ice hockey players wouldn't wait any more. 866 00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:03,640 They're playing a game! 867 00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:05,480 BLEEP. What was that? 868 00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,600 You've just pushed me! 869 00:54:10,640 --> 00:54:11,920 Arghhh! 870 00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:20,120 Eventually, this ended badly. 871 00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:24,560 Oh, my God! I hit him. 872 00:54:30,240 --> 00:54:31,920 That's astonishing. 873 00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:34,200 There isn't a mark on it. 874 00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:38,160 Since the skater seems to be OK, we have to say 875 00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:40,880 the Twingo scores well for pedestrian safety. 876 00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:44,640 Especially, if the pedestrian you hit is dressed up like that. 877 00:54:54,600 --> 00:54:56,920 We've all been there. Lost. In a shipyard. 878 00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:59,600 Your biorhythms are wrong. You're feeling under the weather. 879 00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:04,000 You're just not concentrating quite as hard as you should be. 880 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:05,800 The next thing you know is... 881 00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:08,200 WOODEN CRATES THUD 882 00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:10,960 It's just one of those days where you're judgment's out 883 00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:13,920 and you think, "I can go through that." Then it turns out... 884 00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:15,960 METAL SCRAPES 885 00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,800 ..you just can't. 886 00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:26,640 Of course, you may say that you would never drive a car 887 00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:28,200 when you're feeling under the weather 888 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:31,120 but even if you are that responsible, 889 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:34,120 the day will still come when you pull up at at junction, 890 00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:36,600 and while you're checking to make sure nothing is coming, 891 00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:41,520 you will be hit up the backside by blind Jack the milkman. 892 00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,280 ROSS KEMP LAUGHS 893 00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:47,960 That really hurt! 894 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,920 Then, of course, the day will come when you lend your car 895 00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:53,720 to your 17-year-old son. 896 00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:56,600 He'll be driving along in it and he will think, 897 00:55:56,600 --> 00:56:02,360 "If I pull this handbrake lever, my girlfriend's clothes will fall of." 898 00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:05,080 Of course, we know that doesn't happen. 899 00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:08,040 We know that what actually happens when you pull the handbrake lever 900 00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:09,600 is this... 901 00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:11,320 TYRES SCREECH 902 00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:12,880 Ah! 903 00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,920 Jeremy, that BLEEP hurt. Thank you very much. 904 00:56:17,840 --> 00:56:20,920 This is one of the joys of the hot hatch. 905 00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:23,600 They're as much fun to drive as supercars but you can get 906 00:56:23,600 --> 00:56:25,520 Ross Kemp in the boot 907 00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:28,960 and they don't cost a fortune to repair. 908 00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:33,640 The front wing, for example, for a Renault Twingo, £66. 909 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:39,920 The front wing for a Lamborghini, £2,430. 910 00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:50,160 We've all been in this situation. 911 00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:54,120 The boat is still here and I can make it. 912 00:56:56,200 --> 00:56:58,280 Come on! 913 00:56:58,280 --> 00:57:01,680 Being late for a ferry can drive a man mad. 914 00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:06,200 TYRES SCREECH 915 00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:08,800 You forget there's going to be another ferry later on. 916 00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:09,920 No, there isn't! 917 00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:13,160 This is the last ferry ever! I must catch it! 918 00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,200 TYRES SCREECH 919 00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:26,640 The thing is, this Twingo could just be the ideal car for the job. 920 00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:30,920 BELL RINGS 921 00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:33,080 TYRES SCREECH 922 00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:35,760 That's not gone well. 923 00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,920 A Fiat Abarth may be more fun to own, 924 00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,560 more fun to look at, but this, with the Cup Chassis, 925 00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:48,920 is sharper. 926 00:57:48,920 --> 00:57:50,280 TYRES SCREECH 927 00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:58,120 TYRES SCREECH 928 00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:05,160 It's a very good little car, this! 929 00:58:05,160 --> 00:58:07,240 TYRES SCREECH 930 00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:09,560 Handbrake. I've overdone it! 931 00:58:14,520 --> 00:58:16,680 TYRES SCREECH 932 00:58:16,680 --> 00:58:18,320 BLEEP 933 00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:30,400 Just because it's left, does not mean I'm going to give in. 934 00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:36,240 How hard can it be? 935 00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:39,520 When I get out of here, I'm going to hurt you. Here we go! 936 00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:41,000 TYRES SCREECH 937 00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:43,440 ENGINE REVS 938 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:50,720 Aarghhhhh! 939 00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:10,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 940 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,640 What was that? 941 00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:14,160 An acid trip! 942 00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,800 What? What was going on? 943 00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:23,280 Seriously. How much Night Nurse did you take before you did that film? 944 00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:28,320 A lot. But not so much that I wasn't able to work out that that car... 945 00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:30,280 It's just brilliant. 946 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:33,240 It WAS a brilliant car. 947 00:59:33,240 --> 00:59:37,200 Where is it now? It's at the bottom of the sea. 948 00:59:37,200 --> 00:59:40,440 As a test, that was rubbish. I had a cold. 949 00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:43,520 I did. I didn't make a fuss, I just got on with it. 950 00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:46,920 But the important thing is, I survived. What about Ross Kemp? 951 00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:48,320 No. 952 00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:49,800 LAUGHTER 953 00:59:49,800 --> 00:59:51,280 Sadly, he didn't make it. 954 00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:55,320 And that really is a bombshell that we can end on this week. Oh! 955 00:59:55,320 --> 00:59:56,680 Before we go, 956 00:59:56,680 --> 00:59:59,400 one more thing. The first three programmes of this series 957 00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:01,480 went out at nine o'clock rather than eight. 958 01:00:01,480 --> 01:00:03,160 Tonight, we started at 8.30. 959 01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:06,200 Does anyone want to guess what time we're on next week? 960 01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:07,760 THEY SHOUT OUT DIFFERENT TIMES 961 01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:09,960 No. We're actually not on at all. 962 01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:12,360 For reasons we don't understand. 963 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:16,000 But we are back the week after that at whatever time the Beeb 964 01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:17,240 can squeeze us in. 965 01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:19,640 No mater. Thank you very much for watching tonight. 966 01:00:19,640 --> 01:00:21,840 Take care. Good night! 967 01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:24,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 968 01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:28,680 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk