1 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,325 Tonight, I get scared half to death on our track, 2 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:21,480 We host our own art exhibition and the world champion is in our reasonably priced car, 3 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,820 4 00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:30,085 Thank you, everybody! 5 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,000 Thank you, Hello! Hello and welcome, 6 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:35,605 Welcome, everybody, 7 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:42,140 Now, a few years ago, we got very excited by this, the Noble M400, 8 00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:48,605 But then the man behind the company that made it upped sticks and left 9 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:54,080 and then they stopped making it and then the whole operation just disappeared from the radar, 10 00:00:54,115 --> 00:00:57,560 Now though... it's back, 11 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,520 This is what it's come up with, 12 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:09,920 Designed and built by some blokes I've never heard of on an industrial estate in Leicester, 13 00:01:09,955 --> 00:01:12,800 it's called the M600, 14 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:19,605 Underneath the rather featureless body, 15 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,200 the chassis is made not from carbon fibre, but stainless steel, 16 00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:28,960 The V8 that powers it is lifted from this, 17 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,285 Yep, It uses the same engine, 18 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:39,800 albeit with a couple of turbo chargers that Volvo use in the XC90, 19 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,360 So, built in Leicestershire from bits of the Industrial Revolution 20 00:01:46,395 --> 00:01:50,280 and powered by the engine from a Volvo school bus, 21 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,640 And the cost? 200,000, 22 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:03,120 That does seem like a lot for a car that has no satellite navigation, 23 00:02:03,155 --> 00:02:06,445 no climate control, no airbag, 24 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,000 It doesn't even have anti-lock brakes, 25 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,245 The men from Leicestershire say ABS is just another example 26 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,920 of the nanny state sticking its nose in, and that's very admirable, 27 00:02:18,955 --> 00:02:23,525 But you can't help suspecting the real reason it doesn't have ABS 28 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,040 is because when you're operating out of a industrial unit in Leicestershire, 29 00:02:27,075 --> 00:02:28,880 you can't really afford them, 30 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,725 There's another problem as well, 31 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,680 What kind of person looks at the established range of supercars 32 00:02:37,715 --> 00:02:41,040 and thinks, I don't like any of them? 33 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:49,880 However, it turns out that there is a reason why you might choose a Noble, 34 00:02:49,915 --> 00:02:54,400 rather than a Porsche, or a Ferrari 35 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,237 or a Lamborghini, 36 00:02:56,272 --> 00:02:58,216 or an Aston Martin, 37 00:02:58,251 --> 00:03:00,160 or a McLaren Mercedes, 38 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:07,560 You see, in terms of sheer speed, the Noble can blow all of that lot 39 00:03:07,595 --> 00:03:10,240 into the middle of last week, 40 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,325 Let me show you what I'm on about here, 41 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,400 I'm currently doing 40 mph in second gear, Ready? Foot down, 42 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,885 And there's 60, 43 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,800 40-60 in one second, One! 44 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,880 In fourth gear, 100 to 120 in two seconds, 45 00:03:41,915 --> 00:03:46,365 100 to 130 in three seconds, 46 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:54,000 It does 150 to 170 so quick that your eyeballs bounce off the back of your skull... 47 00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:55,880 like squash balls! 48 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,685 Break it, break it! Oh, my God! 49 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:07,780 You have to push, There's very little servo assistance there, 50 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:12,840 If you push too hard, you'll lock them up because there's no ABS, 51 00:04:12,875 --> 00:04:13,920 God, it's quick! 52 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,880 That's mind-blowingly fast, 53 00:04:19,915 --> 00:04:21,485 That is properly, 54 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,480 head-alteringly quick, 55 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:33,845 Flat out, it'll do 225 miles an hour, 56 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,760 Mainly because the engine, despite the Volvo connection, 57 00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:41,605 develops 650 horsepower, 58 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,520 The whole car only weighs 1,250kg, 59 00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:49,400 And the news keeps on getting better, 60 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,605 This down here is exactly the same switch 61 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,165 that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles, 62 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:05,600 It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident and that is a good thing, 63 00:05:05,635 --> 00:05:08,757 Because in here, what it does 64 00:05:08,792 --> 00:05:11,880 is turn the traction control off, 65 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,840 Argh! I wish I'd kept it on! 66 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,400 I really wish I'd kept it on! 67 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,845 The margin for error 68 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:37,080 in most supercars is actually quite wide, but in this, it really isn't, 69 00:05:37,115 --> 00:05:39,005 Stop, 70 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,805 It's a constant nightmare, 71 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:47,280 1% too much speed going into a corner, you get understeer like that, 72 00:05:47,315 --> 00:05:51,440 1% too much throttle to correct it, you've got oversteer, 73 00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:54,640 1% wrong with the steering, you're going to spin, 74 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:59,120 Remember, there are no electronic driver aids to help you out, 75 00:05:59,155 --> 00:06:02,485 There's no medevac chopper, 76 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,680 You get it wrong, you're on your own! 77 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:22,285 There is a fantastic sweet spot in this thing, 78 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:27,880 But even when you find it, you're often too terrified to enjoy the moment, 79 00:06:27,915 --> 00:06:31,720 To really enjoy it and to find it regularly... 80 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,960 ...you have to be a much better driver than I am, 81 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:38,600 I'm not really doing this justice, 82 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,600 Driving it fast, then, you need to be good, 83 00:06:46,635 --> 00:06:50,280 But weirdly, to drive it at all, you don't, 84 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:57,240 Happily, if you wind the engine down to 550 horsepower or 450, 85 00:06:57,275 --> 00:07:00,045 which you can do using this switch here, 86 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,800 it becomes a different animal, It becomes completely docile, 87 00:07:03,835 --> 00:07:08,840 Calm, No harder to drive than... a Nissan Micra, 88 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:16,080 And like the old Noble, it's quiet and extremely comfortable, 89 00:07:16,115 --> 00:07:20,245 It really does ride beautifully, 90 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:24,300 Summing this car up, then, is hard, because let's be honest, 91 00:07:24,335 --> 00:07:28,320 there are several very good reasons why you shouldn't buy one, 92 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:40,160 But there is one very good reason why you should... 93 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,200 Losers! 94 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,845 APPLAUSE 95 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,285 So it's that fast? That edgy? That edgy? 96 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,980 Honestly, it's the nearest I've ever come to collecting a camera car on a shoot, 97 00:08:04,015 --> 00:08:08,640 I think that was the first time I've ever seen you properly scared on our track, 98 00:08:08,675 --> 00:08:10,365 Oh, I was, No, I really was, 99 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:16,120 It's not so bad when it's dry, but when it's wet you have to have the reactions of a housefly, 100 00:08:16,155 --> 00:08:20,997 So not a fat, balding middle-aged man, then? Exactly, 101 00:08:21,032 --> 00:08:25,840 Not that, which is why we're now going to hand it over to our tame racing driver, 102 00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:29,245 Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house 103 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:34,000 for your Christmas lunch, unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull, 104 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,405 And that the reason he always wears a helmet 105 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:43,320 is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral, 106 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,205 All we know is he's called the Stig! 107 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:52,520 And he's off! We've had rain for the past few weeks now and we've got a dusting of snow, 108 00:08:52,555 --> 00:08:55,760 Still hoping for good things, since Stig is one of the few things 109 00:08:55,795 --> 00:08:59,760 that can really get to the bottom of a Noble, He loves them! 110 00:08:59,795 --> 00:09:04,200 That is nice through there, Beautiful on the way out, 111 00:09:04,235 --> 00:09:08,965 # In the bleak midwinter... # 112 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,445 Appropriate music for this weather, 113 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,685 Performing in the style of a Kray brother's funeral there, 114 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,280 A bit of twitchiness on the way in, but tasty on the way out of Chicago, now Hammerhead, 115 00:09:19,315 --> 00:09:22,477 He came in very fast, understeering as I discovered earlier, 116 00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:25,640 but Stiggy knows how to drive through and find that sweet spot, 117 00:09:25,675 --> 00:09:29,080 # Oh, God Oh, my king... # 118 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:36,480 Right, time now to unleash the twin-turbo kick in the kidneys, 119 00:09:36,515 --> 00:09:39,417 He does seem to be sawing at the wheel a lot in there, 120 00:09:39,452 --> 00:09:42,246 It is a brute, this car, but the Stig isn't fazed, 121 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:45,005 That would be literally impossible, Two corners left, 122 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,800 He's still working hard, but the car itself looks really composed, 123 00:09:48,835 --> 00:09:50,685 Coming up to Gambon, 124 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,120 slices through there and across the line! 125 00:09:53,155 --> 00:09:55,280 APPLAUSE 126 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,520 OK, Here it is! Here it is, 127 00:10:02,555 --> 00:10:05,325 It goes, mmm... 128 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,800 Hang on, you've just gone above a 599, 129 00:10:07,835 --> 00:10:09,325 Yes, And above a Scuderia, 130 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,840 That's that fast Lambo, And above the Enzo, 131 00:10:11,875 --> 00:10:13,685 That's an Enzo up there! 132 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,900 Past the Veyron, Past the Zonda convertible... 133 00:10:15,935 --> 00:10:18,080 Whoa! To there! 134 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,200 So it's expensive, but it works? 135 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,365 Excellent, Right, 136 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,800 Now we will do the news and we begin with the this - 137 00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:35,557 it's a new Aston Martin, It's called the Rapide, 138 00:10:35,592 --> 00:10:39,245 You can think of it as a DB9 with two extra doors, 139 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:45,160 That means there's room back here for two extra fully-grown adults 140 00:10:45,195 --> 00:10:50,125 to enjoy the 470 horsepower, V12 motoring experience, 141 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:55,560 And they can enjoy exquisite details, such as these magnetically located grab handles, look, 142 00:10:55,595 --> 00:10:58,440 It won't flap around when you're driving along, 143 00:10:58,475 --> 00:11:02,497 All this is yours for 140,000, 144 00:11:02,532 --> 00:11:06,006 Now, that is quite a bit more expensive 145 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:09,445 than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, 146 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,520 but there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin, 147 00:11:13,555 --> 00:11:18,577 Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent, 148 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:23,600 Secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British, 149 00:11:23,635 --> 00:11:26,480 Despite the fact that it's made in Austria, 150 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,925 Which I think is in Germany, 151 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,165 OK, Now, as you can see, we are surrounded here 152 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,165 by a mountain of motoring-related Christmas present ideas, 153 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,160 I say present ideas, actually it's landfill, Oh, yes, 154 00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:46,000 We haven't got time to get through all of it, but I want to start with this, 155 00:11:46,035 --> 00:11:50,400 Perfume, as we know, is a very popular Christmas gift, 156 00:11:50,435 --> 00:11:54,760 Big names, Givenchy, Chanel, Now look... The RAC, 157 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,540 Yes, the RAC has launched this, 158 00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:00,560 They're calling it Eau De Voiture, 159 00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,125 Ooh, sounds promising! 160 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,600 What you do is you spray it into your car 161 00:12:04,635 --> 00:12:07,005 and it makes it smell like a minicab, 162 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,805 It's quite strong! Have some of that, 163 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,080 It is like a minicab, Because it smells... Oh, shit! 164 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,485 My eyes! 165 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,760 You cretin! I'm blind! 166 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,445 The thing is, what it does, and I've really got a lot of it now, 167 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:31,120 is it's one of those smells that makes you think it's covering up other smells, 168 00:12:31,155 --> 00:12:32,200 Like Femme Fresh, 169 00:12:32,235 --> 00:12:34,485 LAUGHTER 170 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:40,320 Because it's a very strong smell in it's own right, but it suggests that there are other things masking, 171 00:12:40,355 --> 00:12:45,040 You get notes, don't you? You get notes, undercurrents, Suggestions of... 172 00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:48,160 I can smell the fruity stuff, but also a bit of stale wee, 173 00:12:48,195 --> 00:12:49,805 Sick? 174 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,365 I can get a really beery burp, 175 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,525 All the things you'd expect in a minicab, 176 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,005 I have another gift suggestion here for Christmas, 177 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,525 Are you fed up with people bumping into you in a crowd situation? 178 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,280 Yes, I am! Well, I have the solution here 179 00:13:04,315 --> 00:13:09,077 with these small, ear-mounted human indicators, I kid you not, 180 00:13:09,112 --> 00:13:13,840 What happens is, I'm walking along, say in a shopping centre, 181 00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:16,725 Here I am in a shopping centre and you'll be the crowd? 182 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,480 There's a danger of jostling here, because I'm going to that shop on my right, 183 00:13:20,515 --> 00:13:22,405 You can indicate! 184 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,200 So now you know and you can take evasive action, And you can go left? 185 00:13:25,235 --> 00:13:29,160 Yes, Actually, I fancy the record shop over there, 186 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:34,720 Everybody knows what's happening, I think it's a very good gift, Human indicators, 187 00:13:34,755 --> 00:13:36,817 So how much are they? Do we know? 188 00:13:36,852 --> 00:13:38,845 Oh, I don't know, Some money, 189 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,645 Land Rover are taking a very pragmatic approach 190 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,445 to the Christmas gift idea and they have produced this, 191 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:49,520 It's the Land Rover distress whistle and it will cost you 1,50, 192 00:13:49,555 --> 00:13:52,805 I just want to paint the scene for you, You're in the wilderness 193 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:58,280 in your Land Rover and you drive into an impassable gully, You become stuck, 194 00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,165 It starts to fill up with water, 195 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,480 You're out of food, you're almost out of fuel, 196 00:14:02,515 --> 00:14:04,725 You cannot get a signal on your mobile phone 197 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,480 and you're bleeding heavily from a severe abdominal wound, But it's OK! 198 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,325 HE BLOWS WHISTLE 199 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,900 If I was there with you in that situation and you produced that whistle, 200 00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:17,467 I would beat you to death, That's nice, 201 00:14:17,502 --> 00:14:21,000 Well, yes, Look at this superb shirt, 202 00:14:21,035 --> 00:14:24,680 It's got everything you need, really, 203 00:14:24,715 --> 00:14:27,525 It has a web address here, 204 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,405 It's stitched into the collar and then on the back, 205 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,245 look at that - Mercedes-Benz, That's classy, 206 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:38,600 Oh, yeah, Really, honestly, it's hard to think of any way that this could be improved, 207 00:14:38,635 --> 00:14:42,800 That says, I have a washing machine and everything else I own is already in it, 208 00:14:42,835 --> 00:14:46,280 But, James, you like a flowery shirt, so why wouldn't you like that? 209 00:14:46,315 --> 00:14:49,240 Well, why would you want a web address? 210 00:14:49,275 --> 00:14:52,245 Jeremy? Jeremy? 211 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,845 OK, this is a bad thing, That's a bad thing, 212 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,440 It's got out of hand, It's all right, No, it's gone out, 213 00:14:58,475 --> 00:15:00,645 Relax, 214 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,085 That's actually quite... 215 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,205 Jeremy has set fire to the Christmas presents! 216 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:09,120 I have actually set fire to the Land Rover teddy bear, No, 217 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,760 You know the smoking rules in Britain? 218 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,480 My eyes! Sorry about that! 219 00:15:22,515 --> 00:15:24,165 Anyway, look - I think... 220 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,040 It's still on fire! It's not, 221 00:15:27,075 --> 00:15:29,320 It's smouldering, that's all, 222 00:15:29,355 --> 00:15:32,085 Look at this! 223 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:36,000 It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other, 224 00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:39,880 And the best thing is, there's another spanner in the middle! 225 00:15:39,915 --> 00:15:42,725 No, but this means you can go seamlessly 226 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,640 from mending your motorcycle to eating a pie without even pausing, 227 00:15:46,675 --> 00:15:49,480 Look at this, 228 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,765 You say wow, 229 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,445 This is some packaging, 230 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,840 You know the sort of packaging? You're going to sever your fingers getting in there, 231 00:15:57,875 --> 00:16:00,525 When you get in there, you've got this metal thing, 232 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,140 Then you get underneath your car, use what fingers you have left 233 00:16:04,175 --> 00:16:07,720 from opening the packaging to attach it to your exhaust pipe, 234 00:16:07,755 --> 00:16:11,920 And then it makes a noise which fools other road users 235 00:16:11,955 --> 00:16:14,760 into thinking that your car is turbo-charged, 236 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,040 Is it like that wastegate noise when you lift off? 237 00:16:19,075 --> 00:16:21,565 Brilliant, 238 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,165 We could attach you - it would be easier, 239 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:29,200 It's not really going to fool anybody bolted onto my Panda, whatever sort of noise it makes, 240 00:16:29,235 --> 00:16:32,845 Chaps, you know how difficult it is to choose the right calendar, 241 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:37,080 Obviously you choose it now and you've got to live with it, It's a big commitment, 242 00:16:37,115 --> 00:16:39,125 For 12 months, you have to live with it, 243 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:43,240 So I'm a bit stumped on what I'm going to use next year, because there's this one, 244 00:16:43,275 --> 00:16:47,760 This is Her Majesty's Prisons of England, 245 00:16:47,795 --> 00:16:51,485 Different picture every month, 246 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:57,200 But then I found this one - Birmingham's Outer Circle Municipal Bus Route, nice! 247 00:16:57,235 --> 00:17:02,600 But then I found, I think, the solution to my calendar problems, 248 00:17:02,635 --> 00:17:04,640 The Unofficial... 249 00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:06,377 Oh, yes! 250 00:17:06,412 --> 00:17:08,045 CHEERING 251 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,280 Who did that? It's awful! 252 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,160 You can have it, James, I've got loads, 253 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,525 Why are you drunk in all the pictures? 254 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:24,365 It looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of award ceremonies, 255 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:28,560 so, yes, I probably was drunk, Do you know what I really love about that calendar? 256 00:17:28,595 --> 00:17:33,000 Because it's unofficial, you all go and buy one, he receives not one single penny, 257 00:17:33,035 --> 00:17:35,400 I know, I know! Thank you for publicising it, 258 00:17:35,435 --> 00:17:38,125 It's very kind of you, 259 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:42,000 We'd like to recommend this calendar, Everybody go and buy it, 260 00:17:42,035 --> 00:17:43,645 Get rid of that thing! 261 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,165 Let's do the rest of the show like that, 262 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:50,120 Why does everything get broken in our Christmas thing? 263 00:17:50,155 --> 00:17:54,005 As we know, the Lottery Fund has spent millions of pounds 264 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:59,760 turning old warehouses in places like Liverpool and the West Midlands into art galleries, 265 00:17:59,795 --> 00:18:03,405 And we also know that they have all been an unmitigated failure, 266 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:08,200 We think the reason for this is because they haven't got any cars in them, 267 00:18:08,235 --> 00:18:13,497 Art experts will tell you that cars aren't art, We think they can be, 268 00:18:13,532 --> 00:18:18,725 Back in the 1970s, BMW started making things like this over here, 269 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:24,440 It's a three-litre CSL, but the bodywork has been painted by American artist Alexander Calder, 270 00:18:24,475 --> 00:18:27,205 Then in the '90s, there was a three-series race car, 271 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,140 The body's been painted by artist Sandro Chia, Then over here, 272 00:18:31,175 --> 00:18:35,005 an 850 CSI - that's been painted by British artist David Hockney, 273 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,280 Provincial galleries would never accept this sort of thing these days, 274 00:18:38,315 --> 00:18:41,325 and that, we reckon, is exactly why they're failing, 275 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:45,000 So we decided to take over the Mima Gallery in Middlesbrough, 276 00:18:45,035 --> 00:18:47,845 And using nothing but motoring-based art, 277 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:54,040 we would attempt to get 30,000 visitors through the door up North in a single week, 278 00:18:54,075 --> 00:18:58,160 And that's as many as Tate Britain gets in a week in London, 279 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:04,360 This is the North, which is where northerners live, 280 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,525 And this is the art gallery we've taken over, 281 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:16,480 We'd simply clear out the paintings northern people plainly don't want to see, 282 00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:21,080 and fill it with motoring exhibits that hopefully they do, 283 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:30,000 To decide what these exhibits would be, we went to our secret motoring art base in Surrey, 284 00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:33,360 What on earth is that? It's a car, 285 00:19:33,395 --> 00:19:36,365 The artist claims that he makes these by painting them 286 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,405 and then driving a remote control over them, I mean, I like it, 287 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,800 I like it, It's got a joie de vivre to it, 288 00:19:41,835 --> 00:19:44,645 Yes, put it in! Oh! 289 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,325 It's Damon Hill in the wet, 290 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,000 Superb, That goes in, 291 00:19:50,035 --> 00:19:52,605 What he should have done is just given us that bit, 292 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:58,480 That would now look like one of Monet's visions of his lily pond, but it would be about Formula One, 293 00:19:58,515 --> 00:20:01,005 It does have a Monet quality to it, no question, 294 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,565 I'm sorry, gentlemen, this is the worst painting I've ever seen 295 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,240 in my entire life and it's not coming, Or is it? 296 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:12,125 Maybe this is a commentary on the superhuman, 297 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,280 almost alien nature of a Formula One driver at this level, 298 00:20:16,315 --> 00:20:18,857 Because clearly this isn't human, 299 00:20:18,892 --> 00:20:21,365 That much is immediately apparent, 300 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,920 What it's done is suck the life out of this corpse in the overalls her, 301 00:20:25,955 --> 00:20:29,845 All of that is gone, drained out by this creature, 302 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,560 This is coming with us, This is properly amazing stuff, 303 00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:37,205 And so is that, I think in Middlesbrough this will go well, 304 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:42,840 Why-aye, a tab! They're refuelling his car and he's having a tab, 305 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:47,245 That is, without doubt, the centrepiece of our exhibition, 306 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,320 It's exquisite work, That is not going in, 307 00:20:50,355 --> 00:20:52,640 Hammond... It cannot go in! 308 00:20:52,675 --> 00:20:56,445 We went round the room ticking the yeses, 309 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,200 Look at the way they've captured his moustache so beautifully here, 310 00:21:00,235 --> 00:21:03,480 Not just that moustache, but the other two moustaches as well, 311 00:21:03,515 --> 00:21:07,960 So this is a collage out of press comments about him, 312 00:21:07,995 --> 00:21:09,765 I see, 313 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,200 Excellent, Definitely going in, 314 00:21:12,235 --> 00:21:14,365 Oh, gentlemen! 315 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,440 Gentlemen! I bet you any money that in the North, 316 00:21:18,475 --> 00:21:22,445 people will be stunned by this, It's a V8 Shark, 317 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,360 If it provokes a response, that's going, It will provoke a response, 318 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:32,160 In addition to the pre-prepared art, we've been making some ourselves, 319 00:21:32,195 --> 00:21:36,685 James, for example, is keen to make a sculpture, 320 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,940 I've decided to de-construct the car, literally, as you can see, and artistically, 321 00:21:40,975 --> 00:21:45,125 Then rather than try and rebuild it as a sculpture that speaks about the car, 322 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:51,440 I'm going to do it as a sculpture that speaks about my emotions, my feelings, when I drive a car, 323 00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:53,720 Inspired to some extent by Picasso... 324 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,165 What you need to bear in mind is if you can get an artist, 325 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,960 somebody with frizzy hair and sticky-out teeth, to say it's art, then it's art, 326 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:08,045 While James set to work on his big metal face, 327 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:14,720 Richard went off to create a modern day interpretation of Constable's Hay Wain, 328 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,360 Right... 329 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:28,000 Unlike Richard, I'm not very good at drawing, because I didn't go to art school, 330 00:22:28,035 --> 00:22:32,160 So my painting will be done by this, 331 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:39,885 The 2005 Red Bull F1 car, Yep, 332 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:44,380 Its three-litre V10 will be my brush, 333 00:22:44,415 --> 00:22:48,805 All we need now is a tame racing driver, 334 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,680 Some say he has a massive chin, and that's true, he does, 335 00:22:52,715 --> 00:22:56,485 Because he's David Coulthard, So are you ready for this? 336 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,640 I think so, I'm still trying to get my head round the concept, 337 00:22:59,675 --> 00:23:01,325 Well, the idea is very simple, 338 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,205 We are going to put paintballs into the air box, 339 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,520 They will then shoot out of the exhaust, and into the canvas 340 00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:10,125 that I'll be holding behind the car, 341 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,765 so we'll sort of splatter the canvas using this car as our brush, 342 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,960 Sounds beautiful, It's triggered to start firing them at 5,000 RPM, 343 00:23:17,995 --> 00:23:20,445 So you need to go to 5,000, Can you do that? 344 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:25,400 I can probably manage that, So if you want to hop in, mate, I'll go and stand behind the vehicle, 345 00:23:25,435 --> 00:23:28,880 Actually I might just put some protection on my head, 346 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,080 I've done some weird things in my life, but this is up there, 347 00:23:34,115 --> 00:23:35,720 All right then, David, Ready! 348 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,320 Argh! Oh, God! Oh! 349 00:23:47,355 --> 00:23:49,645 My gloves! 350 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,965 I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure, 351 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,040 Things were going badly for me, but they were worse for Sir Henry May, 352 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:14,685 Every day, over 10,000 people go to the National Gallery to see the Hay Wain, 353 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:20,040 More will come and see this, because it's got more of a social statement about it, 354 00:24:20,075 --> 00:24:25,280 Also, because I'd substituted the Hay Wain for a Zonda, 355 00:24:25,315 --> 00:24:27,120 It's poetry in paint, 356 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:34,400 One's now protected and using a stronger aluminium canvas, 357 00:24:34,435 --> 00:24:37,040 Coulthard and I were in business, 358 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,240 A plane of light just bouncing off here, 359 00:24:50,275 --> 00:24:52,000 Work it in, work it in... 360 00:24:54,680 --> 00:25:00,165 With the paintball painting finished, I was now busy on another creation, 361 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:07,980 What I'm doing is spraying the car with a special paint that shows up best in ultra-violet light, 362 00:25:08,015 --> 00:25:15,760 Sorry, sorry! So when I've finished, Mr Coulthard is going to take it for a spin round the track, 363 00:25:15,795 --> 00:25:20,120 It will streak, showing me where the air flow has gone, 364 00:25:20,155 --> 00:25:23,125 Sorry, sorry again, Sorry, mate, 365 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,840 With the car dripping wet, David set off, 366 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,600 But unfortunately some of the paint had gone on his visor, 367 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,720 Oh, dear! 368 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:48,000 After wiping his helmet, he set off again to create some 200mph art, 369 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,885 You sprayed my helmet, 370 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,565 You shot one of my testicles, 371 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,680 Oh, I see, that helmet, That was, I admit, a mistake, 372 00:26:01,715 --> 00:26:04,557 but you should see what has been achieved, 373 00:26:04,592 --> 00:26:07,365 When we put this under ultra-violet light... 374 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,920 Can we edit the spin out? Yes, we can edit that out! 375 00:26:09,955 --> 00:26:11,805 You promise? 376 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,580 Projects completed, we reconvened at the secret base, 377 00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:19,320 where our exhibits were to be assessed by Rupert Maas, 378 00:26:19,355 --> 00:26:21,600 an art dealer from the Antiques Roadshow, 379 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:24,725 It was a lot better than this, 380 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,600 The problem was, it didn't dry, It's sort of still happening, isn't it? 381 00:26:28,635 --> 00:26:34,400 It's performance art, because it has streaked in a living way, 382 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,205 Yes... 383 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,325 It fell off the easel, 384 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:44,080 I mean, it really is nature and the automotive world absolutely crashing together, 385 00:26:44,115 --> 00:26:46,325 It's very good, Very good, 386 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:51,600 Quite, quite, I have to say, I think it is probably more compost than art, but thank you, 387 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:58,880 Annoyingly, Rupert seemed to quite interested in James May's big face, 388 00:26:58,915 --> 00:27:02,405 It's called Acceleration Face Number One, 389 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,845 I mean, I was inspired to some extent by Der Blaue Reiter 390 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,405 and some of the works of that era, tts:color=lime0 And African masks, Exactly, 391 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:15,920 The African mask has had an influence on it, It's very angular, it's quite simplistic, it's quite primitive, 392 00:27:15,955 --> 00:27:19,005 Has it been on fire? No, 393 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:25,040 What does the expert think? Well, let's have a look at it in the round, I quite like the welding, Oh! 394 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,240 We can repair this, James, 395 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,240 That's better! You see? 396 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,645 The Mona Lisa of the scrapheap, 397 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,365 The rest of the visit wasn't any better, 398 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,720 Is there anything here that catches your eye? No, 399 00:27:47,755 --> 00:27:49,517 Does that one work? No, 400 00:27:49,552 --> 00:27:51,280 Is this no good? No, 401 00:27:51,315 --> 00:27:53,925 Does it work on any level for you? 402 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,540 No, Does it have artistic merit? 403 00:27:56,575 --> 00:27:59,085 No, So all of this is terrible? 404 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:02,440 Frankly, yes, Thank you very much for coming along, Thank you, 405 00:28:02,475 --> 00:28:07,485 I value your opinion, I won't necessarily pay any attention to it, 406 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,400 In fact, none of us will, But thank you very much for coming, Rupert, Pleasure, 407 00:28:11,435 --> 00:28:17,600 Feeling a bit disheartened, we decided to try and create our own BMW art car, 408 00:28:17,635 --> 00:28:21,245 We need to agree on a light source and a viewpoint, 409 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:26,340 Our genius plan was to paint the inside of the car on the outside, 410 00:28:26,375 --> 00:28:31,400 with James taking the bonnet, me the side, and Jeremy the boot, 411 00:28:31,435 --> 00:28:33,445 Can you tell what it is yet? 412 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,080 Jeremy, though, didn't quite get the idea, 413 00:28:36,115 --> 00:28:38,760 Right, red for the blood, 414 00:28:38,795 --> 00:28:41,840 Er, mate... 415 00:28:41,875 --> 00:28:44,365 What? 416 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,645 It's supposed to be what's INSIDE the car, 417 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,805 How do you know there isn't a horse's head in the boot? 418 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:57,760 For our final creation, we had to cut a car in half, which meant using a dangerous plasma cutter, 419 00:28:57,795 --> 00:29:01,565 That meant we had to take precautions, 420 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:04,640 I could help, You can't do this with a hammer, 421 00:29:04,675 --> 00:29:07,057 That's exactly why you're taped to a chair, 422 00:29:07,092 --> 00:29:09,440 This is like a scene out of Reservoir Dogs, 423 00:29:09,475 --> 00:29:12,885 Don't give us ideas, 424 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,485 Guys, where did you find that car? 425 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,560 It was just outside with all the rest of them for this, 426 00:29:19,595 --> 00:29:24,160 It says here, RJO4 RWZ, it's a rental car, 427 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,880 APPLAUSE 428 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:34,365 We'll see how that pans out later on, 429 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:39,005 but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car, 430 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:45,680 Now, my guest tonight won the 2009 Formula One World Drivers' Championship, 431 00:29:45,715 --> 00:29:51,445 He won the 2009 World Constructors' Championship for Brawn, 432 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:56,120 And when he was pipped to the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year award 433 00:29:56,155 --> 00:29:58,405 last weekend, by Ryan Giggs, 434 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:03,440 he won the 2009 trophy for the best forced smile, 435 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:06,800 Let's see if he's still gritting his teeth, 436 00:30:06,835 --> 00:30:09,720 Ladies and gentlemen, Jenson Button! 437 00:30:09,755 --> 00:30:11,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 438 00:30:11,715 --> 00:30:14,317 Thank you, 439 00:30:14,352 --> 00:30:16,885 He's here, 440 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:18,640 Hello to you, Well done, 441 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,000 Jenson Button, Formula One World Champion, Wooh! 442 00:30:23,035 --> 00:30:26,137 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 443 00:30:26,172 --> 00:30:29,240 Have a seat, Have a seat, 444 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:35,840 OK, that's the congratulations over now the commiserations, 445 00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:38,845 Because this time last week... 446 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,560 Did anybody see Sports Personality Of The Year? 447 00:30:41,595 --> 00:30:44,445 Yes, Yes, 448 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:50,160 I mean, let's be honest, Ryan Giggs, he's 73, 449 00:30:50,195 --> 00:30:51,725 And he can still kick a football, 450 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,925 I think you do need an award for this, actually, 451 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,080 We have actually got a clip of the moment, If you want to look away, 452 00:30:56,115 --> 00:31:01,080 Everyone else can see this, here we go, This is the moment, 453 00:31:01,115 --> 00:31:03,917 Well, that is a shock, 454 00:31:03,952 --> 00:31:06,720 That's a big shock, 455 00:31:06,755 --> 00:31:08,565 Yeah, 456 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,120 That is a... That is a rictus grin, that is, 457 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,920 I could be an actor with that, no? 458 00:31:15,955 --> 00:31:18,005 No, you couldn't, 459 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,365 You couldn't because what I loved was when he said 460 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,125 I haven't got a speech ready I thought, no, but the man behind you has, 461 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:27,100 So anyway, I just want to know because I'm sure loads of people will be interested, 462 00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:31,040 It was actually this time last year, there you were gearing up for a new season, 463 00:31:31,075 --> 00:31:35,045 You had got Ross Brawn on board who's obviously a genius designer 464 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:40,680 and then the call comes through from Honda that they're pulling out of the sport, How did that feel? 465 00:31:40,715 --> 00:31:45,160 It was difficult, I had just got back from, I was in Lanzarote doing some fitness training, 466 00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,525 I was all ready for the new season, 467 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,320 I arrived at Gatwick and I got a message from my manager saying, 468 00:31:51,355 --> 00:31:52,805 it's over, 469 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,445 Honda are pulling out of the sport, 470 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,805 It was a really difficult thing to take in, Because you know, will 471 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:04,400 were going to be racing in 2009, We were going to have a competitive car, possibility of winning races, 472 00:32:04,435 --> 00:32:06,605 There was a lot of work that went into that car and 473 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,605 it would have been an absolute tragedy if it wasn't on the grid, 474 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:14,320 So all I could do was stay focused and try to help the team as much as I could, 475 00:32:14,355 --> 00:32:18,965 And that's what we did, we got through a difficult winter and we produced a car... 476 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,880 And this was when Ross was able to buy what remained of the Honda team, Yes, 477 00:32:22,915 --> 00:32:30,925 Now, you came here last time having not won a race in Formula One and you had done about 14011, 478 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:37,680 Yeah, And you said you'd cheerfully give up the jets, the lifestyle, the Monte Carlo for that first win, 479 00:32:37,715 --> 00:32:43,240 But the thing is you damn nearly did give up all that lifestyle to go to Brawn, didn't you? 480 00:32:43,275 --> 00:32:48,005 I mean how big a sort of cut was it in terms of everything? 481 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:53,845 There were 700 odd people working at the factory and they had to scale down the team 482 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:58,560 so obviously there were some redundancies, which was tough, even for the people that stayed, 483 00:32:58,595 --> 00:33:03,880 But we all gave as much as we could and we tried to help as much as we can, 484 00:33:03,915 --> 00:33:06,760 I suppose it would be impossible to say, no, I want n million dollars 485 00:33:06,795 --> 00:33:08,605 a year when people are being made redundant, 486 00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:10,760 Because you went to 20% of your salary or something, 487 00:33:10,795 --> 00:33:15,080 Can't remember the figure at the moment, 488 00:33:15,115 --> 00:33:16,720 But don't feel sorry for me, 489 00:33:16,755 --> 00:33:18,365 LAUGHTER 490 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,845 But that first test that you did 491 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:27,280 in what would become the Brawn car, were you surprised how fast it was? 492 00:33:27,315 --> 00:33:31,445 I knew we had built a good car because all the numbers 493 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:35,525 said so in the wind tunnel but until you actually drive it, yeah, you don't know 100%, 494 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:40,520 But we bolted in the Mercedes Benz engine in the back because obviously it wasn't made for that engine, 495 00:33:40,555 --> 00:33:46,920 We had to sort of trim the chassis down and make sure the gearbox fitted, just about fitted, 496 00:33:46,955 --> 00:33:49,085 With some spaces and what have you, 497 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:54,360 And went out and tested it at Barcelona and after five laps I really felt comfortable in the car, 498 00:33:54,395 --> 00:33:57,880 And I came and I said, Guys, you know, this is all right, This is a good baseline, 499 00:33:57,915 --> 00:34:00,357 Even though it was a last minute botch job to get the Mercedes engine, 500 00:34:00,392 --> 00:34:02,765 Yes, yep, this fills pretty nice, My engineer came up to me and said, 501 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:07,360 Jenson, you are seven tenths quicker than anyone, They had been testing for three months, 502 00:34:07,395 --> 00:34:12,920 Seven-tenths, Seven tenths, Which is a lot, That's three years in Formula One, 503 00:34:12,955 --> 00:34:16,040 It's massive, Oh yeah, And then every race people were putting on 504 00:34:16,075 --> 00:34:19,880 big packages and for us to try and keep the advantage was impossible, 505 00:34:19,915 --> 00:34:22,445 So, yeah, it's been a very tricky season, 506 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:25,080 Leading the championship from start to finish sounds easy, 507 00:34:25,115 --> 00:34:26,725 But it's not, 508 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,005 It's really, really hard, 509 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,325 Cos I have to say, I mean Brazil, I don't know 510 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,680 if anybody was watching Brazil which was the penultimate race, 511 00:34:34,715 --> 00:34:37,077 You had to come fourth and then you were definitely 512 00:34:37,112 --> 00:34:39,405 World Champion irrespective of what anyone else did, 513 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:45,440 Let's just have a look at these clips of you in that race needing to come fourth, 514 00:34:45,475 --> 00:34:48,085 So that's big John, isn't it? 515 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,480 Grosjean? Grosjean, Yeah, 516 00:34:50,515 --> 00:34:52,925 'Can he do it?' 517 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:56,400 'Another stunning piece of driving under pressure from Button,' Thank you, Martin, 518 00:34:56,435 --> 00:34:59,037 Look at that again, that's round the outside, 519 00:34:59,072 --> 00:35:01,605 'Wonderful move by Button squeezed in there,' 520 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:05,080 We're almost doing 200 miles an hour there you can't really see it from the camera but it's ... 521 00:35:05,115 --> 00:35:07,237 Jesus that's so close, 522 00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:09,325 'Jenson Button through,' 523 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:11,885 'I have to say, he's been impressive,' 524 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:15,805 So this is now whatever his name is, the Red Bull, 525 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,480 That was last of the late breakers, wasn't it? Take that, 526 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:23,365 APPLAUSE 527 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:28,600 Great drive, Thank you, That was the drive of a champion that was, 528 00:35:28,635 --> 00:35:30,640 You know when it kicks out... 529 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:35,685 When I'm driving a car and it kicks out like that, I poo myself, 530 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:39,725 This might sound really silly and think I'm a bit of a know it all, but 531 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:44,460 I did actually do that on purpose a little bit, What, kick the tail out? 532 00:35:44,495 --> 00:35:49,160 Because I had to make sure that I could get to turn two first and one of the only way of doing it is 533 00:35:49,195 --> 00:35:51,600 a little bit of oversteer makes the guy a little nervous that you're getting close, 534 00:35:51,635 --> 00:35:55,725 And that is what happened, And the great thing is he backed out of it, 535 00:35:55,760 --> 00:36:03,720 Sorry, I just need to... This is very peculiar, So you have the World Championship riding on 536 00:36:03,755 --> 00:36:06,240 your having to finish the race, obviously to get the World Championship, 537 00:36:06,275 --> 00:36:10,360 And you kick the arse of the car out, ON PURPOSE, 538 00:36:10,395 --> 00:36:13,165 to unnerve whoever he is, 539 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:17,120 Well, it's giving him less room he's got no room to turn on the inside, 540 00:36:17,155 --> 00:36:20,805 Yes but what if you had cocked it up, 541 00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:25,800 You know for me to win the world championship before the last race was a must, Oh, yeah, 542 00:36:25,835 --> 00:36:29,520 I really wanted to get it done before so I had to take the risk, 543 00:36:29,555 --> 00:36:32,800 Now, obviously we are looking forward to you versus Lewis, 544 00:36:32,835 --> 00:36:34,765 Are you going to be able to beat him? 545 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:36,685 That's the aim, I wouldn't be doing it if not, 546 00:36:36,720 --> 00:36:38,840 That's going to be, I tell you it's going to be a fascinating battle, 547 00:36:38,875 --> 00:36:42,525 This is a massive buzz for me, It's so exciting, 548 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:46,965 I've been in F1 for ten years and having the chance to race 549 00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:51,160 alongside Lewis at McLaren, it's something I'm really excited about, 550 00:36:51,195 --> 00:36:53,045 Can we just talk about your road cars? 551 00:36:53,080 --> 00:37:00,600 Yes, Have you not got a Veyron? Yes, I have, Can I just ask what's the fastest you've driven it? 552 00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:05,560 Um, 70 times... Less 10%... 77, 553 00:37:05,595 --> 00:37:08,640 LAUGHTER 554 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,085 LAUGHTER 555 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:14,765 It's actually been here, Do you believe him? Has it? 556 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,520 I sneaked in one day and unlocked the bars and drove round your circuit, Had a bit of a practice, 557 00:37:18,555 --> 00:37:20,645 Was it any good here? 558 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:27,840 It was all right, except for you had... I can't say what I was going to say, Because I want to sell it, 559 00:37:27,875 --> 00:37:30,525 LAUGHTER 560 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:34,240 So anyway, obviously you came here into our Liana, 561 00:37:34,275 --> 00:37:36,165 I tell you what, 562 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,160 I had to change my driving style here, Really? 563 00:37:38,195 --> 00:37:41,477 I think it was the snow, possibly, 564 00:37:41,512 --> 00:37:44,725 You say that, you're such a fusspot, 565 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,720 No, seriously, listen to this, You've got to listen to me, I'm a guest, 566 00:37:48,755 --> 00:37:51,205 LAUGHTER 567 00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:53,920 Go on because it would just be a racing driver excuse, 568 00:37:53,955 --> 00:37:56,165 No, it isn't an excuse but I jumped in 569 00:37:56,200 --> 00:38:00,240 and I sat there revving the engine with the heater on thinking, I'm so nervous, 570 00:38:00,275 --> 00:38:03,525 This thing is an amazing bit of kit, 571 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:07,600 I've learnt so much coming here I'm really going to take it into the 2010 season, 572 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,605 Who would like to see Jenson's lap? 573 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,205 Yeah! 574 00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:16,440 There you go, It's obviously the old Liana, 575 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,285 And there it is, We haven't seen that for ages, 576 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:23,100 Look how wet it is, It's damp, 577 00:38:23,135 --> 00:38:25,987 Think like this is for the World Championship, come on JB, 578 00:38:26,022 --> 00:38:28,840 It's more important than the Formula One world championship, 579 00:38:28,875 --> 00:38:30,445 Look at it, it's greasy, 580 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:35,405 In F1 if it's wet the tyres work, if it's greasy you just slide, 581 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:40,240 You're holding on nicely through there, A little bit slippery out here, 582 00:38:40,275 --> 00:38:42,685 It is interesting, that first turn, 583 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:45,565 Yes, I'm impressed, no power understeer, 584 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:50,480 First turn you took the wide line in, A little bit wild, JB, Come on! 585 00:38:50,515 --> 00:38:51,725 At least I'm not singing, 586 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:56,960 You're not singing, And Lewis has a different line in that first corner and he's adamant about it, 587 00:38:56,995 --> 00:39:01,777 So there you go, you see, now that's tidy, 588 00:39:01,812 --> 00:39:06,560 I tell you what, I'm more scared driving this than I'm a Formula One car, 589 00:39:06,595 --> 00:39:08,845 I was, This bit here is scary, 590 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:13,680 It is, If you go on the red wires, that's quite slippery, I think they should put this on the F1 calendar, 591 00:39:13,715 --> 00:39:15,240 This place rocks, 592 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:18,360 Oh, That was nice and close to the tyres made the move, 593 00:39:18,395 --> 00:39:21,320 Second to last corner here let's have a look, 594 00:39:21,355 --> 00:39:22,885 Yes, that's good, 595 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:26,160 Got the back out a bit, Yeah, it's fun, Beauty, 596 00:39:26,195 --> 00:39:27,840 Come-on, got the back out again, 597 00:39:27,875 --> 00:39:29,557 There we are, 598 00:39:29,592 --> 00:39:31,205 Across the line, 599 00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:32,960 I thought that looked quite good, that, 600 00:39:32,995 --> 00:39:34,445 So, 601 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,960 APPLAUSE 602 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,840 So, Here we go, Jenson... Button, 603 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:49,800 See that, I didn't even lean forward, You will, 604 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:53,640 No, really, Where do you reckon? 605 00:39:53,675 --> 00:39:55,245 It felt good, 606 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,940 Very slippery but I could slide the car through the corners, 607 00:39:57,975 --> 00:40:00,600 It was fun, I don't think I'm quicker than I was before, 608 00:40:00,635 --> 00:40:04,445 Because it was dry, how would I be? 609 00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:08,965 Well, Lewis was here in exactly the same car in exactly the same conditions, 610 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,720 They rarely were exactly the same, I'm a better driver than I was then, 611 00:40:12,755 --> 00:40:18,400 You did it, he's a 1,44,7, you did it in 1... 612 00:40:18,435 --> 00:40:20,497 40... 613 00:40:20,532 --> 00:40:22,560 4... 614 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,045 9... 615 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:28,640 Oh, you're kidding, You just missed out, 616 00:40:28,675 --> 00:40:30,885 But give him a huge one, 617 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,160 Wait a minute, I'll give you the wet, 618 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:37,360 Look at that, 619 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,120 Do you know what it was? It was that showboating in the last two corners, 620 00:40:42,155 --> 00:40:44,685 It was fun, though, That little thing is so fun, 621 00:40:44,720 --> 00:40:48,800 It is, You should try the more powerful Chevrolet Lacetti, 622 00:40:48,835 --> 00:40:50,360 Well, they wouldn't let me have a go in that one, 623 00:40:50,395 --> 00:40:51,885 No, because that's the Formula One car, 624 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:58,240 Anyway ladies and gentlemen, I give our World Champion, Jenson Button, 625 00:40:58,275 --> 00:41:02,405 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 626 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:06,045 And actually your face will be 627 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:10,480 back in a minute because what we're going to do now is pick up our art gallery film, 628 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,920 James and I arrived by aeroplane fresh from the south, 629 00:41:17,955 --> 00:41:20,120 Where do Geordies actually come from? 630 00:41:20,155 --> 00:41:22,645 Geordies are from the Northeast, 631 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:25,480 Maybe they're all Geordies, Then there's others, Foggies, aren't there? 632 00:41:25,515 --> 00:41:27,725 There's the Foggies and the Muggies and the monkey hangers, 633 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,340 I don't know what they are, Are they all types of Geordie? 634 00:41:30,375 --> 00:41:32,920 Well I think so, Or are they, maybe they're different, 635 00:41:32,955 --> 00:41:36,525 They all say why-aye so they must all be Geordies, 636 00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:43,760 As our BMW art car was so valuable, I decided to drive it to the exhibition myself, 637 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:51,040 What I have here is a 3,5 litre straight six painting, 638 00:41:51,075 --> 00:41:55,680 It's art that moves you, quite literally, moves you, 639 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:03,365 At the Middlesbrough Institute Of Modern Art, Captain Sense of Direction 640 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:08,765 had decided to make an audio guide to that would steer visitors around the exhibits, 641 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:15,200 If you turn through almost 180 degrees to your left or even to your right in fact because it of course 642 00:42:15,235 --> 00:42:20,320 makes no difference whatsoever and walk straight ahead towards the wall and rotating to 643 00:42:20,355 --> 00:42:25,200 your right and not quite through 180 degrees but probably about 155, 644 00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:33,560 I, meanwhile was on the road, touring the local radio stations in a bid to drum up some support for our show, 645 00:42:33,595 --> 00:42:35,437 This is fantastic, 646 00:42:35,472 --> 00:42:37,245 I've got a van, 647 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,000 I've got a list of phone numbers and I've got a mission, 648 00:42:40,035 --> 00:42:42,520 I'm a PR agent, 649 00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:50,765 And then walking through the white door we arrive at the upstairs gallery, 650 00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:55,760 Actually, that's not right, You need to come out and turn left or right if you haven't gone through 651 00:42:55,795 --> 00:42:57,920 the white door through the glass door, which you push, 652 00:42:57,955 --> 00:43:01,685 You are then in the upstairs gallery, 653 00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:05,440 The first stop on my publicity tour was Radio Tees, 654 00:43:05,475 --> 00:43:09,160 Who cares about the weather because it's the weekend, 655 00:43:09,195 --> 00:43:12,725 Who cares when Top Gear is in town, 656 00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:15,680 And Richard flipping Hammond is with us, Yes! 657 00:43:15,715 --> 00:43:17,840 Here comes the publicity, 658 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:26,800 Welcome to Teesside, You of course used to work here many many years ago, why are you here?' 659 00:43:26,835 --> 00:43:29,520 Well, it's great to be here, I did used to work here, apparently, 660 00:43:29,555 --> 00:43:33,240 I worked in a lot of radio stations for not very long, 661 00:43:33,275 --> 00:43:36,125 What are you doing! 662 00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:37,805 'So yes I worked here... ' 663 00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,960 Talk about the exhibition, And I have fond memories of working here, 664 00:43:41,995 --> 00:43:46,097 Nobody's interested in your bloody memories, 665 00:43:46,132 --> 00:43:50,200 Because I started in radio York in 1989, 666 00:43:50,235 --> 00:43:53,485 Oh for crying out loud! 667 00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:57,360 For the rest of the interview Hammond brilliantly publicised... himself, 668 00:43:57,395 --> 00:44:01,200 I've just started something up called Blast Lab, a kids' science show, 669 00:44:01,235 --> 00:44:04,285 Oh, for God's sake, This is ridiculous, 670 00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:08,245 To make matters worse in the gallery May was busy 671 00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:12,725 ignoring our instructions to make the audio guide interesting, 672 00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:16,880 As it was codenamed during development, rejecting the complicated hydragas suspension 673 00:44:16,915 --> 00:44:20,725 of its forebear, the Allegro, in favour of a straightforward 674 00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:27,800 steel-sprung chassis with a rear axle derived from a design already used to great effect, 675 00:44:27,835 --> 00:44:29,320 Hello? 676 00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:34,240 Yeah, I'm doing it, 677 00:44:34,275 --> 00:44:36,125 I've just, 678 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:37,960 Yes, I know it's got to be done by it 3,30, But I can't do it because 679 00:44:37,995 --> 00:44:40,520 people keep ringing me up and asking me if I've done it yet, 680 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:49,000 As I bore down on Middlesbrough, Hammond's publicity tour was going from bad to worse, 681 00:44:49,035 --> 00:44:52,525 Yes, I did, I started in 1989 at Radio York, 682 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:59,280 'Yeah, absolutely, I think Total Wipeout has been a tremendous success... ' 683 00:44:59,315 --> 00:45:01,565 I'm going to have a heart attack! 684 00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:03,125 There's one where people have to climb a platform and 685 00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,680 in front of them are four massive red inflatable balls and they have to... 686 00:45:05,715 --> 00:45:09,240 Total Wipeout is just idiots falling over, 687 00:45:09,275 --> 00:45:11,480 Talk about our art exhibition! 688 00:45:20,720 --> 00:45:24,085 The good people of Hartlepool, 689 00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:27,965 Hammond is in town with his PR machine, 690 00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,280 At Mima, the other idiot was in the gallery of motor-racing, 691 00:45:32,315 --> 00:45:34,965 A subject about which he knows nothing, 692 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,165 Some pictures of racing cars going around corners... 693 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:41,840 Hopefully, these cardboard boxes won't be here by the time you arrive, 694 00:45:41,875 --> 00:45:43,725 There's a man on fire, 695 00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,680 There's a car going along, erm... 696 00:45:46,715 --> 00:45:49,320 And then I had a problem, 697 00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:53,920 I was coming round the corner doing about 27mph 698 00:45:53,955 --> 00:45:56,365 and a cow was there, 699 00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,645 And I just had nowhere to go because of this... 700 00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:03,080 I'd say there was a school bus... well it was a bus full of children, handicapped children, 701 00:46:03,115 --> 00:46:05,685 and I saw some ginger ones on so I just... 702 00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:08,440 I thought, well I'm going to have to miss that, so I'll put it 703 00:46:08,475 --> 00:46:10,800 in the ditch rather than injure the children, 704 00:46:10,835 --> 00:46:14,245 That story didn't wash, 705 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:18,040 Take a deep breath, Sir, Lips around the tube, constant stream of breath, 706 00:46:18,075 --> 00:46:20,000 Keep going, keep going, keep going, thank you, 707 00:46:20,035 --> 00:46:21,645 The good news was, I scored zero, 708 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:26,520 The bad news came when the car was towed out of the ditch, 709 00:46:26,555 --> 00:46:31,005 That's not too... It is quite bad, Oh, God, 710 00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:36,080 And my attempts to mask the damage with T-Cut just made everything worse, 711 00:46:36,115 --> 00:46:39,680 ENGINE REVS 712 00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:46,605 This was an important exhibit for us, this car, 713 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:53,000 I'm casting around in my head for someone to blame but it's just me, it keeps coming back at me, 714 00:46:53,035 --> 00:46:57,560 So, when we met up, I decided to do the honourable thing, 715 00:46:57,595 --> 00:46:59,045 And go on the attack, 716 00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:00,885 Did you hear what he did on the...? 717 00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:04,200 Yes, I did hear what you did on the radio, I've been working my backside off, 718 00:47:04,235 --> 00:47:08,240 You have been and done one interview and you talked about Blast Lab, Total Wipeout... 719 00:47:08,275 --> 00:47:10,360 He didn't ask the right questions, I told you, 720 00:47:10,395 --> 00:47:12,685 I know more about PR than you, I was on top of it, 721 00:47:12,720 --> 00:47:15,565 Listen, none of this detracts from the fact, and I can read it in 722 00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:20,520 your face, that you've been an idiot and you have ruined the whole event, 723 00:47:20,555 --> 00:47:22,765 By the way, Thanks for asking, 724 00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:25,480 I'm fine, We don't care, 725 00:47:25,515 --> 00:47:27,245 Evidently, No, it has not... 726 00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:32,800 As the exhibition was due to open the following morning, we agreed to stop bickering and get to work, 727 00:47:32,835 --> 00:47:35,765 James went off to rouse the troops, 728 00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:38,840 And Richard relaunched his PR campaign, 729 00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:42,885 My work is complete, One mobile billboard, 730 00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:45,845 But better still, just to really give the message, 731 00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:51,360 what I've done is actually put one of the exhibits from the gallery, on the move, lit and everything, 732 00:47:51,395 --> 00:47:55,605 so that people can see it, I'll leave the door open as I am driving around, 733 00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:58,605 THAT is PR, I'm good, Good, 734 00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:05,840 I was with Stephen Wiltshire, the artist famous for creating detailed drawings from memory, 735 00:48:05,875 --> 00:48:09,120 So which bit of New York do you think you're going to put behind the car? 736 00:48:09,155 --> 00:48:14,680 I'm going to put the Brooklyn Bridge, 737 00:48:14,715 --> 00:48:16,320 Brooklyn Bridge, OK, 738 00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:22,800 Out on the streets, the PR machine had adopted a more personal approach, 739 00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:26,325 People of Middlesbrough, 740 00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:30,720 Tomorrow morning is your opportunity to soak up some art, Madame, in the black tracksuit, 741 00:48:30,755 --> 00:48:33,577 Sir, in the white tracksuit top, you could visit Mima, 742 00:48:33,612 --> 00:48:36,400 You, young man, in the grey black tracksuit trousers, 743 00:48:36,435 --> 00:48:37,885 You sir, in the blue tracksuit top, 744 00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:41,000 Tomorrow morning, nine o'clock at Mima, 745 00:48:41,035 --> 00:48:44,045 Art is for the masses, art is for you sir, 746 00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:48,000 In the black tracksuit trousers and you young man in the blue tracksuit trousers, 747 00:48:48,035 --> 00:48:51,560 There is a festival of art available for you, 748 00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,880 Back at the gallery it was all go, Each of us had chosen what he 749 00:48:57,915 --> 00:49:00,677 thought was the best-looking car of all time, 750 00:49:00,712 --> 00:49:03,405 And Jeremy and I were busy installing them, 751 00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,960 Richard had gone for his own, Series 1 Land Rover, 752 00:49:06,995 --> 00:49:09,937 Jeremy for a Ferrari 275 GTS, 753 00:49:09,972 --> 00:49:12,845 No, it is absolutely terrific, 754 00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:17,000 I bet if you turn the radio on it'll just be the beginning of The Italian Job, That music, 755 00:49:17,035 --> 00:49:19,765 And I'd gone for a Lamborghini Countach, 756 00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:23,520 How long have you talked about the Lamborghini Countach for on the audio tape? 757 00:49:23,555 --> 00:49:25,680 Please tell me it's no more than two seconds, 758 00:49:25,715 --> 00:49:28,245 A few minutes, 759 00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:30,285 It's a very important car, 760 00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:32,965 So, this idea that... seriously James... 761 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,965 Yes, but you're only thinking in terms of numbers of people coming 762 00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:37,480 through, which I know is an honourable ambition... Yes, that's the goal, 763 00:49:37,515 --> 00:49:40,085 Yes, but they have to come to a gallery and experience some art, 764 00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:45,800 OK, what's this James? This is how I want to see the people of Middlesbrough, OK, 765 00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:52,960 On your left, there's a Lamborghini Countach, that's a Ferrari 275 GTS and there's a Land-Rover, 766 00:49:52,995 --> 00:49:56,137 In here, we've actually got some art, 767 00:49:56,172 --> 00:49:59,245 That's the speed I want them to be doing, 768 00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:05,240 If they saunter, if they're standing there, saying, Oh, look at the wire wheels and the seats... 769 00:50:05,275 --> 00:50:06,765 The log jam, 770 00:50:06,800 --> 00:50:10,480 There was, however, a more immediate problem, Oh, hang on a minute, 771 00:50:10,515 --> 00:50:15,085 Hang on, Is it too wide? 772 00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:16,605 Well, yeah, We cannot not have it, 773 00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:19,160 Can't it just be there? Well, not really, 774 00:50:19,195 --> 00:50:23,400 Eventually, the Countach was bought in on a special giant thing, 775 00:50:23,435 --> 00:50:28,285 And with that done, we went to check on Stephen, 776 00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:32,880 So that's four hours, And it's gone from a blank piece of paper to that James, in four hours, 777 00:50:32,915 --> 00:50:37,440 That's extremely good, How many times have you been to this place, 778 00:50:37,475 --> 00:50:40,125 Twice, in the Brooklyn Heights, 779 00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:46,880 So you remember the detail on this bridge, just from standing here two times? Yeah, 780 00:50:46,915 --> 00:50:49,165 That car is astonishing, 781 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:54,840 I know, You're pedantic on these things, That is really accurate, Spot on, 782 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:03,600 Darkness fell but still Hammond's PR onslaught rumbled on, 783 00:51:03,635 --> 00:51:05,325 We've stuffed the Mima gallery full of things 784 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,285 that people want to go and see, Obviously, it's automotive themed... 785 00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:13,200 And long into the night, James and I were arguing about where the art car should go, 786 00:51:13,235 --> 00:51:18,080 So what, you want to position it to draw people's attention to the bit you crashed? 787 00:51:18,115 --> 00:51:20,000 Well, yes, No, I disagree, 788 00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:23,285 OK, it needs to be... 789 00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:25,720 Leave it like that, Please go, get on with your next job, 790 00:51:25,755 --> 00:51:27,760 I'm very happy, Leave it there, 791 00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:45,205 Show day, And amazingly, our exhibition was looking rather good, 792 00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:50,605 We had installed many thought-provoking pieces including, Stig World, 793 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:58,200 A video installation where visitors get a glimpse of what goes on inside his helmet, 794 00:51:58,235 --> 00:52:02,680 We also had our ground-breaking masterpiece called, What's Europcar 795 00:52:02,715 --> 00:52:08,285 Going To Say About This?, and obviously Our BMW art car, 796 00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:14,060 We knew that all of this would bring in the multitudes and prove that motoring is the way forward 797 00:52:14,095 --> 00:52:19,800 for the nation's art galleries, so we went on to the roof for our first glimpse of the queues, 798 00:52:19,835 --> 00:52:21,560 We'll be able to look at the crowd from over here, 799 00:52:21,595 --> 00:52:23,240 Are you ready, steady... 800 00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:26,800 It's not that big, is it? 801 00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,845 It was a disaster, 802 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:36,440 And the news from the outlying car-parks was even worse, 803 00:52:36,475 --> 00:52:39,480 It was like a scene from Omega Man, 804 00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:45,880 It's now 10 to 10, As you can see, we've been open for 15 minutes, 805 00:52:45,915 --> 00:52:47,400 And there is just... 806 00:52:56,360 --> 00:53:00,005 There, officially now, the people looking after 807 00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:03,165 the exhibits, outnumbering the number of people looking at it, 808 00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:08,040 My carefully-prepared personal lectures were a complete waste of time, 809 00:53:08,075 --> 00:53:12,280 For me, the artist has managed to avoid any kind of branding, 810 00:53:12,315 --> 00:53:14,600 It's just simply pure... 811 00:53:17,720 --> 00:53:24,200 To hit our targets we needed 800 visitors an hour but it just wasn't happening, 812 00:53:24,235 --> 00:53:26,685 I am just doing a rough head count here, 813 00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:29,120 That's about... It's not a lot, 814 00:53:29,155 --> 00:53:31,565 Around 75 people, tops, 815 00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:36,520 By midday the numbers had picked up a bit but instead of following the prescribed route through 816 00:53:36,555 --> 00:53:42,237 the gallery, everyone was all over the place thanks to James' useless audio guide, 817 00:53:42,272 --> 00:53:47,920 'And then walking through the white door, we arrive at the upstairs gallery,' 818 00:53:47,955 --> 00:53:49,605 'Actually, that's not quite right,' 819 00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:52,480 'Into the next room, The door of which should be open,' 820 00:53:52,515 --> 00:53:55,120 HIGH-PITCHED ALARM BLARES 821 00:53:55,155 --> 00:53:58,925 'Bloody Nora,' 822 00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:01,880 'Yeah, but I can't do it because people keep ringing me up and asking me if I've done it yet,' 823 00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:09,120 'I can't even turn it off,' 824 00:54:09,880 --> 00:54:15,000 Worse still, Hammond had forgotten to do his homework on the exhibits, 825 00:54:15,035 --> 00:54:16,965 That's a Ferrari 275 GTS, 826 00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:20,160 As you can see, the lines are... 827 00:54:20,195 --> 00:54:22,680 It's lovely, 828 00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:28,320 Nice colour, Yes, it is a lovely colour, yes, it is, 829 00:54:28,355 --> 00:54:31,325 We called an emergency meeting, 830 00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:33,680 OK, right, what are we doing, what are we doing? 831 00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:37,685 Don't skid away, let's just relax, 832 00:54:37,720 --> 00:54:40,645 Please... What is going to work about it? This is a catastrophe, James, 833 00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:44,760 It's not a catastrophe... It's a catastrophe, 834 00:54:44,795 --> 00:54:47,445 Plainly, Hammond's PR had been rubbish, 835 00:54:47,480 --> 00:54:50,920 So, to bring in the crowds we needed to find one, 836 00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:52,725 And we did, 837 00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:57,325 FOOTBALL FANS CHANT 838 00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:59,245 At half-time, we would make a hearts and minds 839 00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:04,040 appeal for the Middlesbrough fans to come to our show after the match, 840 00:55:04,075 --> 00:55:09,040 Sadly, though, we put Captain Geordie in charge of our outfits, 841 00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:18,720 BOOING AND WHISTLING 842 00:55:22,480 --> 00:55:24,040 Is this not...? 843 00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:29,320 Give us a minute, 844 00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:39,200 CHEERING 845 00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:44,325 People of the Northeast, 846 00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:46,720 We apologise for that terrible mistake, 847 00:55:48,440 --> 00:55:54,040 We are here to ask... Please, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery, 848 00:55:54,075 --> 00:55:59,760 we need your support, we have Ferraris, Lamborghinis, 849 00:55:59,795 --> 00:56:01,680 we have Richard Hammond's Land Rover, 850 00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:06,400 Er, anything else? No, Oh, there's one thing, 851 00:56:06,435 --> 00:56:09,685 Nottingham, You can't come, 852 00:56:09,720 --> 00:56:12,925 The away fans responded with good grace, 853 00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:17,320 # You fat bastard, you fat bastard you fat bastard... # 854 00:56:17,355 --> 00:56:18,480 You fat bastard! 855 00:56:23,600 --> 00:56:25,960 Amazingly, though, our plan worked, 856 00:56:25,995 --> 00:56:27,920 In you come, 857 00:56:30,200 --> 00:56:33,205 If you start shuffling through that way, 858 00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:38,400 Soon the place was packed, which meant I could finally unveil our centrepiece, 859 00:56:38,435 --> 00:56:43,080 Without a doubt, the highlight, the highlight of the show so far, 860 00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:48,645 How much do you have to hate somebody 861 00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:53,400 to sit down with a piece of cloth and then do that to him? 862 00:56:55,440 --> 00:56:59,525 Among the crowd was a learned art scholar who could see James' sculpture for what it was, 863 00:56:59,560 --> 00:57:04,080 Are you saying it's a bit crap, tts:color=lime0 Yeah, Nothing to see, Nothing to see, 864 00:57:04,115 --> 00:57:08,245 The crowds, though, meant we had a new problem with a James' audio guide, 865 00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:15,040 Not only was it still getting everybody lost but as I'd feared it was also extremely long-winded, 866 00:57:15,075 --> 00:57:17,725 'And latterly, to 5,2 litres, an expansion' 867 00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:21,000 'that was accompanied by the fitment of a new cylinder head... ' 868 00:57:21,035 --> 00:57:22,245 PHONE RINGS tts:color=cyan0 'Hello,' 869 00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:26,085 This meant the visitors weren't moving through the gallery fast enough, 870 00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:29,920 Have you been listening to the audio guide? Yeah, How is it? 871 00:57:29,955 --> 00:57:32,085 Pretty boring, 872 00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:36,880 With bottlenecks springing up everywhere there was no way we'd get the numbers through, 873 00:57:36,915 --> 00:57:40,325 So I was forced to shorten my personal lectures a bit, 874 00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:44,325 Right, everybody, there's only one interesting thing in here 875 00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:47,200 and it's that painting there of the Bentley, Good, you've seen it, off we go, 876 00:57:47,235 --> 00:57:49,845 There we are, that's a BMW, we've done it, 877 00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:52,520 In here's a Formula One car with some paint on it, lovely, 878 00:57:52,555 --> 00:57:54,245 Right, out, Out, 879 00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:57,445 Out, you, you, off you go, 880 00:57:57,480 --> 00:58:01,280 James, however, simply didn't get the idea of this at all, Does he know? 881 00:58:01,315 --> 00:58:03,217 Does a cat know it's a cat? 882 00:58:03,252 --> 00:58:04,986 Does a dog know when its old, 883 00:58:05,021 --> 00:58:06,720 What does he actually know? 884 00:58:08,240 --> 00:58:10,045 What are you doing with them up there? 885 00:58:10,080 --> 00:58:12,605 Well, I'll tell you exactly what's happening, 886 00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:16,920 Everybody's getting into a room where James May is talking and they're stuck, 887 00:58:16,955 --> 00:58:21,205 This called for drastic measures, 888 00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:25,280 These are stink bombs, So in machine terms he's extremely bright but he's inanimate, 889 00:58:25,315 --> 00:58:31,600 Does he have any feelings? Can we transfer our own feelings on to the crash-test dummy? 890 00:58:31,635 --> 00:58:34,285 Sorry, 891 00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:38,365 Rodin's Thinker, He's sort of naked, 892 00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:42,120 Ooo, bit of an itch, The point of art is, you have to interact with it, You don't just look at it, 893 00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:46,800 What's that stink? 894 00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:52,165 Sorry about that, it's unfortunate, but... 895 00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:56,360 OK, if you'd like to move to the exits now, tremendous, thank you for leaving here, 896 00:58:56,395 --> 00:59:00,085 Sorry about the smell, I've no idea how that happened, 897 00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:07,760 Soon the crowds were moving along at a fair old pace, which meant there wasn't much more we could do, 898 00:59:07,795 --> 00:59:10,760 We've got the best exhibits that we could have got, Yep, 899 00:59:10,795 --> 00:59:13,720 We've done the best PR that we can do, 900 00:59:13,755 --> 00:59:15,885 Oh yeah, 901 00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:21,080 It's now time for us to bail out and let the numbers roll in, 902 00:59:21,115 --> 00:59:23,717 With that, Back to the studio, 903 00:59:23,752 --> 00:59:26,320 I finally got to say that, 904 00:59:27,920 --> 00:59:30,040 APPLAUSE 905 00:59:30,075 --> 00:59:32,725 OK, 906 00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:34,160 I have the figures here, remember... 907 00:59:35,680 --> 00:59:37,805 Remember, we had to beat 30,000, 908 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:42,480 Yes, so... And what we actually managed was 50,000, 909 00:59:42,515 --> 00:59:44,897 Yes, yes, 910 00:59:44,932 --> 00:59:46,946 No, no, 15, 911 00:59:46,981 --> 00:59:48,925 15,000, 912 00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,680 Oh, so, a half of what we needed then, 913 00:59:51,715 --> 00:59:54,445 Yeah, we were halfway there, 914 00:59:54,480 --> 01:00:00,125 But, this is still an all-time record for the Mima Gallery, 915 01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:03,520 Yes, That is brilliant, We did it, 916 01:00:03,555 --> 01:00:05,560 We sort of did it, We did something, 917 01:00:05,595 --> 01:00:07,245 Cars are the future of art, 918 01:00:07,280 --> 01:00:12,085 They are and that is a bombshell and that means we can end, 919 01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:19,120 Now, we're back on December 27th with an elongated special in which we drive across South America, 920 01:00:19,155 --> 01:00:21,965 That is quite something, But until then, 921 01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:25,760 Have a very, very happy Christmas, Take care, Good night, 922 01:00:25,795 --> 01:00:28,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd