1 00:00:12,072 --> 00:00:15,016 Tonight, James gets wet. 2 00:00:15,064 --> 00:00:18,024 An actual or spin doctor on our track. 3 00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:21,056 And the Stig laps a Reliant Robin. 4 00:00:28,024 --> 00:00:30,056 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello. 5 00:00:30,091 --> 00:00:32,088 Hello. Good evening. Hello. 6 00:00:32,123 --> 00:00:35,033 Now... 7 00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:41,000 Now, as we know, as we know, track days these days are very popular. 8 00:00:41,035 --> 00:00:45,032 The idea is that you drive your own car to a race circuit, 9 00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:47,096 wearing some horrible branded shirt... 10 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,041 LAUGHTER 11 00:00:49,076 --> 00:00:51,017 Like, for example, this one. 12 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:57,036 And then you drive around as fast as possible all day and then you go home. 13 00:00:57,071 --> 00:00:58,997 Today, track days are such big business 14 00:00:59,032 --> 00:01:04,012 you can even buy specialised track day cars like this KTM Crossbow. 15 00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:08,057 Thing is, this costs L45,000, which is a lot, 16 00:01:08,092 --> 00:01:11,989 especially as you can't exactly take the kids to school in it. 17 00:01:12,024 --> 00:01:18,018 No, so, to address this, the producers gave us each a budget of L5,000, and they told us to buy 18 00:01:18,053 --> 00:01:24,012 four-door saloons that could be used every day but that would also be good on a track day. 19 00:01:24,047 --> 00:01:28,053 And because the challenges they had in mind were quite serious, 20 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:32,060 they told us to meet up in the world's the least amusing city. 21 00:01:39,036 --> 00:01:41,076 Yup, it was Berlin. 22 00:01:46,048 --> 00:01:49,068 I was the first to arrive and as you would imagine, 23 00:01:49,103 --> 00:01:51,579 I had done everything properly. 24 00:01:51,614 --> 00:01:54,021 This is a Mercedes 190 Cosworth 25 00:01:54,056 --> 00:01:58,061 and Martin Brundle, the former Formula One driver, 26 00:01:58,096 --> 00:02:03,068 said that this car had one of the best chassis ever fitted to a four-door saloon. 27 00:02:03,103 --> 00:02:07,088 It is, if you like, the thinking man's BMW M3. 28 00:02:07,123 --> 00:02:09,044 Talking of which... 29 00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:16,028 Hammond. Oh, yeah. Take a look. 30 00:02:16,063 --> 00:02:18,049 Yes. BMW M3, 3.2 litres. 31 00:02:18,084 --> 00:02:20,973 So you've bought the wrong one. 32 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,048 No, I haven't, because the original one is now considered a classic. 33 00:02:24,083 --> 00:02:27,029 So you can't get a good one for less than 15,000. 34 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:32,008 This, the series two of the M3, is bigger, faster and better. 35 00:02:33,008 --> 00:02:36,025 So this is the famous Mercedes 190. It is. 2.3. 36 00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:41,048 Cosworth. Known for being the slowest performance car of all time. 37 00:02:41,083 --> 00:02:46,036 At that moment we were interrupted by the arrival of Clarkson. 38 00:02:46,071 --> 00:02:48,060 Predictable, predictable... 39 00:02:48,095 --> 00:02:50,005 For good reason. 40 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:57,025 The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is cos you forgot about it. 41 00:02:57,060 --> 00:03:03,016 No. It's because when you think of high-performance four-door saloons you naturally think of Germany. 42 00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:05,000 It's what they do here. Exactly. 43 00:03:05,035 --> 00:03:06,033 And where was yours made? 44 00:03:06,068 --> 00:03:11,012 Well, it was designed by a man called Uwe Bahnsen, who is German. 45 00:03:11,047 --> 00:03:13,025 And where was it built? Belgium. 46 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,076 Ah, Belgium, the meccafor the performance motorist. Yeah. 47 00:03:16,111 --> 00:03:19,057 Belgium is home to everything. Tennis players, chips... 48 00:03:19,092 --> 00:03:23,068 It's not the first place you think of going for a performance saloon car! 49 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:26,060 You two are going to lose his and you will end up in ze cooler... 50 00:03:26,095 --> 00:03:28,096 'At that moment, a challenge arrived. ' 51 00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:31,001 Oh, hello. Thank you. 52 00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:35,021 "You will now leave Berlin, and head down an unrestricted autobahn. " Good. 53 00:03:35,056 --> 00:03:43,028 "Points will be awarded for every mph more than 130 that you can or, should we say, dare achieve. " 54 00:03:43,063 --> 00:03:46,056 Still won't be out of second gear when they're going down... 55 00:03:46,091 --> 00:03:49,000 What's the top speed? Top speed of that? Yeah. 56 00:03:49,035 --> 00:03:51,009 151. 57 00:03:51,044 --> 00:03:53,029 Mine had to be LIMITED to 155. 58 00:03:53,064 --> 00:03:55,017 This is when they introduced limiting. 59 00:03:55,052 --> 00:03:57,045 They realised it's too fast. It's a monster. 60 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:01,036 Fair enough, becausethis had the six cylinder engine,3.2 litre. It did. 61 00:04:01,071 --> 00:04:05,040 James, I seem to remember this was not that fast. No. 62 00:04:05,075 --> 00:04:07,581 What was its top speed? 143. 143?! 63 00:04:07,616 --> 00:04:10,053 So not really a performance car. 64 00:04:10,088 --> 00:04:14,024 But I reckon mine will still do that because it is a Mercedes... 65 00:04:14,059 --> 00:04:16,985 What? Oh, my God! 66 00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:18,013 Ah, the interior, yeah. 67 00:04:18,048 --> 00:04:22,096 Have you seen the inside of his car? Toffee and caramel, that interior is. 68 00:04:22,131 --> 00:04:26,029 It's not! Oh, and he's gone for the fake wood door-pull. 69 00:04:26,064 --> 00:04:31,016 That's a quality touch. Right,we've got to get out of Berlin. OK. 70 00:04:31,051 --> 00:04:32,045 What's that? 71 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,993 I don't know. Wasn't there this morning. 72 00:04:35,028 --> 00:04:38,012 You don't think it fell out of James' luggage, do you? 73 00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:42,004 HE LAUGHS Fell out of my what? I missed that. 74 00:04:49,032 --> 00:04:51,052 Ooh, yes. Straight six. 75 00:04:51,087 --> 00:04:53,072 That's a proper engine. 76 00:04:55,064 --> 00:04:57,004 This is the Wall. 77 00:04:58,056 --> 00:05:05,060 What this car has, that the other two cars don't have, is a dog-leg first gear. I should explain this. 78 00:05:05,095 --> 00:05:09,016 Normally, first gear is away from you and forwards 79 00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:12,969 but here it is away from you and backwards. 80 00:05:13,004 --> 00:05:17,032 That means that second and third and then fourth and fifth are in straight lines, 81 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,001 which is what you want for racing, 82 00:05:19,036 --> 00:05:23,072 so that is a sign that this car has a proper motor sport pedigree. 83 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:28,013 You have to remember that in the late '80s, early '90s, 84 00:05:28,048 --> 00:05:33,048 the Germans were all drunk, running around celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall. 85 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:36,981 And that showed in the sloppiness of the cars they were making. 86 00:05:37,016 --> 00:05:42,052 The Belgians, on the other hand, they never have anything to celebrate. 87 00:05:42,087 --> 00:05:47,088 They just get up, go to work and do a good job, as we can see here. 88 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,096 Those are his reversing lights. 89 00:05:56,096 --> 00:05:58,973 Oh, BLEEP! 90 00:05:59,008 --> 00:06:00,036 James, what was that? 91 00:06:00,071 --> 00:06:02,013 Er, nothing. 92 00:06:02,048 --> 00:06:06,024 Look, I've had 30 years of it being left and forward. 93 00:06:06,059 --> 00:06:08,016 It's a difficult habit to get out of. 94 00:06:08,051 --> 00:06:09,084 HE CHUCKLES 95 00:06:13,004 --> 00:06:17,020 On the outskirts of Berlin, we pulled over so our cars could be fitted 96 00:06:17,055 --> 00:06:19,001 with super-accurate speedometers. 97 00:06:19,036 --> 00:06:24,096 And then we hit the autobahn, to see which one was the fastest. 98 00:06:27,008 --> 00:06:29,060 Right, for Belgium! 99 00:06:31,012 --> 00:06:34,052 Two-litre. 16 valve. Massive turbo. 100 00:06:35,068 --> 00:06:37,973 5,000rpm. 101 00:06:38,008 --> 00:06:39,080 5,500. Into fifth. 102 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,029 120. 103 00:06:43,064 --> 00:06:45,052 Come on, come on! 104 00:06:45,087 --> 00:06:47,069 125. 105 00:06:47,104 --> 00:06:49,017 6, 7... 106 00:06:49,052 --> 00:06:51,036 Ooh, it's pulling to the right. 107 00:06:51,071 --> 00:06:53,565 Gone floaty. 108 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,025 128... 9. 109 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:59,016 Come on, let's have 130! 110 00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,053 Traffic. 111 00:07:00,088 --> 00:07:02,080 Lot of trucks. A lot of trucks. 112 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:07,096 117. 113 00:07:08,096 --> 00:07:10,044 121. 114 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,044 Feeling good. 115 00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:18,068 128... 116 00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:20,068 132. 117 00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:25,044 135. Traffic. 118 00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:26,080 Oh, God! 119 00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:34,060 Clocked now at 114. 120 00:07:34,095 --> 00:07:36,028 Concentrate. 121 00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:42,004 122. A bit of a weave. 122 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:46,064 Oh, bloody lorry. 123 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:49,061 Achtung! Schnell! Schnell! 124 00:07:49,096 --> 00:07:53,092 It turned out that while you're allowed to reach the top speed of your car 125 00:07:53,127 --> 00:07:57,001 on the autobahn, it's not easy. 126 00:07:57,036 --> 00:08:01,017 You get these German trucks... Yes, look, he's doing it. He's doing it. 127 00:08:01,052 --> 00:08:06,024 You just get these East German trucks and they just pull out when they want to pull out. 128 00:08:06,059 --> 00:08:10,000 Eventually, though, the traffic did thin. 129 00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:13,000 So we went for another run. 130 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,004 Here we go, again! 131 00:08:16,052 --> 00:08:17,558 Don't pull out. 132 00:08:17,593 --> 00:08:19,064 Do not pull out. 133 00:08:22,048 --> 00:08:25,050 132... 134 00:08:25,085 --> 00:08:27,582 3, 4, 5... 135 00:08:27,617 --> 00:08:30,080 Go! Come on! 136 00:08:32,028 --> 00:08:33,045 136. 137 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:37,064 Smelling pretty bad. 138 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:42,049 138... 9... 139 00:08:42,084 --> 00:08:45,052 140 miles an hour! 140 00:08:48,016 --> 00:08:50,041 Oh, yes! 141 00:08:50,076 --> 00:08:52,068 Engine temperature's shooting up. 142 00:08:52,103 --> 00:08:56,997 Well, that was 142mph. 143 00:08:57,032 --> 00:09:01,052 'Not bad for a 21 year-old Ford. ' 144 00:09:02,064 --> 00:09:04,036 Woo! 145 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,060 135, yes! 146 00:09:09,056 --> 00:09:12,092 Give me 140! Give me 140! 147 00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,025 There it is. 148 00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:19,048 'Just three more miles per hour and the German Cosworth would beat the Belgian Cosworth. ' 149 00:09:22,008 --> 00:09:23,032 Come on, come, come on. 150 00:09:26,084 --> 00:09:29,096 It's not going to do it. Sorry. 151 00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:31,060 I did my best. 152 00:09:33,036 --> 00:09:35,036 'Now, watch and learn. ' 153 00:09:36,060 --> 00:09:39,004 Come on now, come on now, come on now. 154 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:42,072 138. 155 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,040 144... 156 00:09:47,075 --> 00:09:50,000 47. 48... 157 00:09:50,035 --> 00:09:51,519 49. 158 00:09:51,554 --> 00:09:53,004 50... 159 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,064 152! 160 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,037 Traffic. Slowing. 161 00:10:02,072 --> 00:10:07,076 This thing will do 155 pretty easily I've just hit traffic every time. 162 00:10:07,111 --> 00:10:10,056 Yeah, yeah... This will do 180. 163 00:10:11,056 --> 00:10:13,072 It will! 164 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:21,036 'With round one going to the BMW, we pulled over in the next town and were given another challenge. ' 165 00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:25,013 "So far, we've established the speed your cars can go. 166 00:10:25,048 --> 00:10:28,076 "To see how practical they are, for the next bit of the journey, 167 00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:31,072 "you'll take it in turns to carry some passengers. " 168 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,041 That's all right. 169 00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:39,076 As it turned out, it wasn't all right. 170 00:10:39,111 --> 00:10:41,060 OOMPAH BAND PLAYS 171 00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:54,016 If we do crash, it will take some explaining. 172 00:10:57,088 --> 00:11:00,000 Come on. I'm the tallest thing here. 173 00:11:00,096 --> 00:11:03,050 It's not as bad as you'd think, actually. 174 00:11:03,085 --> 00:11:05,588 I'm trying to bekilled by lightning. What? 175 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,092 I'm trying to bekilled by lightning. Sorry? 176 00:11:08,127 --> 00:11:10,080 Are you deaf? Sorry? 177 00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:12,997 In you go. 178 00:11:13,032 --> 00:11:16,036 'Sadly, I wasn't killed by lightning, so I went next. ' 179 00:11:16,071 --> 00:11:19,016 Oh... I might just move these. 180 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:24,008 It's my light reading over here. 181 00:11:24,043 --> 00:11:25,068 OOMPAH BAND PLAYS 182 00:11:26,084 --> 00:11:32,028 'Almost immediately, I realised that there WAS enough space in the back 183 00:11:32,063 --> 00:11:34,981 'and that the rear suspension was coping fine. 184 00:11:35,016 --> 00:11:39,052 'So, I decided to pull over as quickly as possible... ' 185 00:11:39,087 --> 00:11:40,965 Kill me. 186 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,068 '.. and handed the band over to James. ' 187 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:46,060 Ready, James? Ja. 188 00:11:46,095 --> 00:11:48,037 Forwards! 189 00:11:48,072 --> 00:11:51,000 Scheisse. HE LAUGHS 190 00:11:58,064 --> 00:12:03,068 'After a while, it became apparent James wasn't coming back. ' 191 00:12:03,103 --> 00:12:07,004 BAND CONTINUES PLAYING 192 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,017 Oh, hello. 193 00:12:13,052 --> 00:12:15,028 This looks like trouble. 194 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,021 'While waiting for the Mercedes to cool down, 195 00:12:19,056 --> 00:12:24,048 'we asked the oompah band which car they thought was the most spacious. ' 196 00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,021 Is it the Mercedes? No. 197 00:12:26,056 --> 00:12:30,024 Definitely not the Mercedes. What about the BMW? 198 00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:31,025 It's the best. 199 00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:34,020 Ha-ha! You see? You see? It's our favourite. 200 00:12:34,055 --> 00:12:36,533 Why?! It's smaller than the Ford. 201 00:12:36,568 --> 00:12:38,977 It's coming from Bavaria, like us. 202 00:12:39,012 --> 00:12:41,550 It isn't the test of where are they from! 203 00:12:41,585 --> 00:12:44,088 This is just racism against the Belgians. 204 00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:46,965 Listen, their decision is final. 205 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,020 They decide it won the... What are we calling it - the oompah test? 206 00:12:50,055 --> 00:12:52,040 The oompah test. It won fair and square. 207 00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,049 Because it's Bavarian. It won! 208 00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:56,024 OOMPAH BAND RESUMES PLAYING 209 00:12:58,088 --> 00:13:00,076 Thank you for nothing. 210 00:13:00,111 --> 00:13:02,064 Absolutely nothing. 211 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,084 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 212 00:13:09,028 --> 00:13:10,989 That's ridiculous. 213 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:13,056 The judges' decision is final. Saying... 214 00:13:14,056 --> 00:13:19,080 Saying the BMW's the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria... 215 00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:22,559 that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter?" 216 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:25,969 "It's Richard Hammond cos he'sfrom Birmingham. " No, it's not! 217 00:13:26,004 --> 00:13:30,530 "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his mum's curtains. " 218 00:13:30,565 --> 00:13:35,056 It really is the most spacious car. That's a fact and that's the judges' decision. Live with it. 219 00:13:35,091 --> 00:13:38,017 Stop bleating, let us do the news. 220 00:13:38,052 --> 00:13:44,054 Yeah. Actually, I want to starton a serious note, if I may,with the news, because, as we know, 221 00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:50,056 for many years, we've been told that Wayne Rooney is the light and the path to righteousness, 222 00:13:50,091 --> 00:13:54,084 and we must emulate his lifestyle, and indeed the lifestyle of his lovely wife, Coleen. 223 00:13:54,119 --> 00:13:59,024 Now of course, we realise he is a lazy, talentless jug-eared oaf. 224 00:13:59,059 --> 00:14:00,969 AUDIENCE CHEERS 225 00:14:01,004 --> 00:14:03,036 APPLAUSE Well, he is. 226 00:14:04,036 --> 00:14:06,045 That's quite strong. Strong but true. 227 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:12,088 I'm now hoping this means an end to the Rooney-fication of Britain. 228 00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:16,056 Exhibit A, the Range Rover, OK? This was the old model. 229 00:14:16,091 --> 00:14:18,989 Note the plain, sensible front end, 230 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:22,064 just some headlights to see where you're going. Its noble. It's noble. 231 00:14:22,099 --> 00:14:23,589 As dignified as a rolled umbrella. 232 00:14:23,624 --> 00:14:25,045 Now look what they've done to it. 233 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,080 Look at this. Honest. This is the new one. What is it? 234 00:14:28,115 --> 00:14:30,973 How much bling can you get on the front...? 235 00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:34,080 Look at all the fiddly headlamps and all this business going on! 236 00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:38,036 I'm surprised it doesn't have studs in its ears, here. 237 00:14:38,071 --> 00:14:41,017 They have literally ruined it. 238 00:14:41,052 --> 00:14:45,046 Now, listen, I am aware, of course, that there is a demand for a car 239 00:14:45,081 --> 00:14:49,040 that looks like this, because I know there's such a place as Cheshire. 240 00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:54,064 And I don't mind if they make this... Range Rover Rooney edition. 241 00:14:54,099 --> 00:14:57,032 They could just call it the Range Rooney. 242 00:14:58,096 --> 00:15:00,029 No, no - the Wayne Wover. 243 00:15:00,064 --> 00:15:03,544 LAUGHTER These are good names. These are good names. 244 00:15:03,579 --> 00:15:06,989 But all I'm asking is please can everybody else, 245 00:15:07,024 --> 00:15:11,004 ordinary decent people, have the old one back, please? 246 00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:12,033 I have to say I agree with you. 247 00:15:12,068 --> 00:15:14,985 There needs to be a version of the new Range Rover 248 00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:22,016 that isn't for people who want to celebrate the life and work of a potato-faced shopping enthusiast. 249 00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,021 We want the old one back. We really do. We do. 250 00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:28,985 Now, there aren't very many things that we all agree on, except this. 251 00:15:29,020 --> 00:15:34,000 We all think that the best small car that you can buy at the moment is the Citroen DS3. 252 00:15:34,035 --> 00:15:35,017 Now, we're not joking about this. 253 00:15:35,052 --> 00:15:39,008 That is a genuinely brilliant littlecar. There's something about it. 254 00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:42,525 It's like a Mini that smokes Gauloises. It is. It's fantastic. 255 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,804 The weird thing is, it's got exactly the same engine as the Mini, 256 00:15:45,839 --> 00:15:49,048 the Mini Cooper. But it just feels better. It does. It's great. 257 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:52,061 They're bringing out a new hot version of this. 258 00:15:52,096 --> 00:15:56,025 I've got the picture of it here. It's called the Racing. OK? Yeah! 259 00:15:56,060 --> 00:16:01,052 200 horsepower. The only think is Citroen will not... They refuse to tell us how much it's going to cost. 260 00:16:01,087 --> 00:16:04,084 I'm just going to make it up. 50 quid. There you go. 261 00:16:04,119 --> 00:16:06,033 It's L50. That's fantastic. 262 00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:10,036 And the thing is, who in their life wouldn't want orange wheels? 263 00:16:10,071 --> 00:16:14,008 Seriously. Anyone with red hair, I imagine. It would clash. 264 00:16:14,043 --> 00:16:16,557 Red squirrels. They'd look terrible. 265 00:16:16,592 --> 00:16:19,037 The Duchess of York. Anne Robinson. Yes. 266 00:16:19,072 --> 00:16:22,092 The Pope. What's he called,th e Pope bloke? Well, the Pope. 267 00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:24,045 Silence, you two. 268 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:29,044 They're are only making 1,000 of them, because they're French and therefore idle Communists. 269 00:16:29,079 --> 00:16:33,017 It's because nobody wants orange wheels, obviously! 270 00:16:33,052 --> 00:16:37,020 I can't wait to get a go in that. It looks brilliant. And I do like the wheels. 271 00:16:37,055 --> 00:16:40,977 Hey! Good news. LAUGHTER 272 00:16:41,012 --> 00:16:48,056 I have secured some top-secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made. 273 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,045 Ooh! Excellent. 274 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,062 Excellent. Anyway... 275 00:16:52,097 --> 00:16:54,009 LAUGHTER The end of... 276 00:16:54,044 --> 00:16:55,977 I'm sure you have. Thank you. 277 00:16:56,012 --> 00:17:00,016 At the end of last week's programme, this appeared. This is called the end board. 278 00:17:00,051 --> 00:17:01,559 This is what you see every single week 279 00:17:01,594 --> 00:17:03,068 at the end of every single programme. 280 00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:05,096 Except for Top Gear. Look - 281 00:17:05,131 --> 00:17:07,033 MMXX. 282 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,001 That's 2020. 283 00:17:09,036 --> 00:17:14,028 This is the only programme coming from ten years in the future. 284 00:17:14,063 --> 00:17:16,985 Anyway, the point is, OK, there's a new car come out. 285 00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:21,008 It's called the Night XV. I've got a picture of it here. OK, now... 286 00:17:21,043 --> 00:17:24,041 XV. What's that? 287 00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:26,033 That's 207, in Roman numerals. 288 00:17:26,068 --> 00:17:28,049 No... 93. Yeah, something like that. 289 00:17:28,084 --> 00:17:32,008 No, it's 207, definitely. Let me talk you through it, OK? 290 00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:34,028 L650,000. 291 00:17:36,032 --> 00:17:43,060 For that you get internet connectivity, you get DVD, TV, a cigar humidor... 292 00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:48,056 And according to one report, it can resist gunfire for 24 hours. 293 00:17:48,091 --> 00:17:50,013 LAUGHTER 294 00:17:50,048 --> 00:17:55,076 Do you know what? I think if I was shooting at someone, I'd get sort of bored after about four hours. 295 00:17:55,111 --> 00:18:00,052 I think the police would havearrived by four hours, personally. But, forgive me, it is a car. 296 00:18:00,087 --> 00:18:02,005 You'd kind of drive off before then. 297 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,020 After an hour, you'd think, "They're not changing their minds. I'm going. " 298 00:18:06,055 --> 00:18:07,021 He is still shooting at me. 299 00:18:07,056 --> 00:18:10,076 And the other thing, as well, is it's made in Canada. 300 00:18:10,111 --> 00:18:13,080 Who in Canada could do... ? Are you Canadian? 301 00:18:13,115 --> 00:18:15,041 Yeah! Yeah! 302 00:18:15,076 --> 00:18:18,040 Whatever happens in Canada that would cause somebody 303 00:18:18,075 --> 00:18:21,033 to shoot at somebody else for 24 hours? 304 00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:25,080 The other thing as well is if you are shooting at it, it's not likely you're going to miss, 305 00:18:25,115 --> 00:18:28,009 because here's a picture of it next to a Hummer. 306 00:18:28,044 --> 00:18:31,056 Look at the size of it! It is massive. Absolutely unbelievable. 307 00:18:31,091 --> 00:18:35,083 So that's Canada's answer to the motor industry there. 308 00:18:35,118 --> 00:18:39,076 Now, I don't know if any of you were watching last week, 309 00:18:39,111 --> 00:18:43,040 but I had several accidents in a Reliant Robin. 310 00:18:43,075 --> 00:18:45,985 Which has generated a sizable postbag. 311 00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:50,000 I've got some of the letters here. Lots of them. Let me just read you this one, OK? 312 00:18:50,035 --> 00:18:55,004 It says, "Dear Top Gear, the only reason why Mr So-called Clarkson was killed 313 00:18:55,039 --> 00:18:58,031 "is because he wasn't driving it properly. 314 00:18:58,066 --> 00:19:01,024 "I bet if the Stig drove it, he'd be fine. " 315 00:19:01,059 --> 00:19:04,060 Tell you what, let's find out. 316 00:19:06,008 --> 00:19:08,096 I'm betting he rolls that over. No, this is the Stig. 317 00:19:08,131 --> 00:19:11,029 The only thing that's ever defeated him was... 318 00:19:11,064 --> 00:19:16,044 He will not be able to do a lap in that car without rolling over. I guarantee it. 319 00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:18,013 He'll use his special Stiggy powers. 320 00:19:18,048 --> 00:19:21,056 Coming up to the first corner now. Perfect. Absolutely fine. 321 00:19:21,091 --> 00:19:23,072 And... So he's made... 322 00:19:23,107 --> 00:19:26,024 Oh no, he hasn't. 323 00:19:29,012 --> 00:19:31,013 AUDIENCE GROANS 324 00:19:31,048 --> 00:19:32,969 Told you. I told you. 325 00:19:33,004 --> 00:19:35,025 There are more letters. Here's one that caught my eye. 326 00:19:35,060 --> 00:19:40,048 "Dear Top so-called Gear, why didn't you use a Isetta Bubble Car instead?" 327 00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:42,017 It's a good point. Why didn't you? 328 00:19:42,052 --> 00:19:45,076 I've got one here - one wheel at the back, two at the front. 329 00:19:45,111 --> 00:19:48,024 It's a more stable three-wheeler configuration. 330 00:19:48,059 --> 00:19:50,977 Yeah. But this has another problem. 331 00:19:51,012 --> 00:19:54,024 What problem? Well, why don't you fire it up, mate? 332 00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,973 The 300cc engine bursting into life. 333 00:19:57,008 --> 00:20:01,052 Now, if you could drive into our imaginary garage over here, that would be lovely. 334 00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:04,056 Oh, look. He hasn't fallen over. Still hasn't fallen over. 335 00:20:04,091 --> 00:20:06,017 It's much better already. 336 00:20:06,052 --> 00:20:08,037 Just wait, Hammond. Here we go. 337 00:20:08,072 --> 00:20:11,068 OK, all the way into the garage, please, mate. All the way in. 338 00:20:11,103 --> 00:20:14,064 You've got a foot to go. Six inches. There you go. Marvellous. 339 00:20:14,099 --> 00:20:16,084 It hasn't fallen over. It's much better. 340 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:18,060 OK. Now, if you'd like to get out... 341 00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:20,985 LAUGHTER 342 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:24,989 Oh, yeah. I see your point. The door's at the front. 343 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:29,032 You'll have to back it up, mate. Yeah, go on - reverse. OK. Where is reverse? 344 00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:30,977 Hasn't got one. 345 00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:33,014 LAUGHTER Really? No. 346 00:20:33,049 --> 00:20:34,981 So how does he get out? 347 00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:38,084 Well, this is the thing. Honestly, if you think about it... 348 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:39,993 If you don't listen... 349 00:20:40,028 --> 00:20:43,049 James, stop fingering the studio. 350 00:20:43,084 --> 00:20:45,981 The thing is, OK, that if you had one of these cars, 351 00:20:46,016 --> 00:20:49,080 you got home like this, you got stuck in your garage, there were two problems. 352 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:53,005 You couldn't call inside your house for your wife or girlfriend 353 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:58,076 to come and rescue you, because it was the 1950s and the mobile telephone hadn't been invented. 354 00:20:58,111 --> 00:21:04,020 And of course, if you had a car like this, you wouldn't have a wife or a girlfriend. 355 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,057 Very funny. Could you push me out now, please? 356 00:21:06,092 --> 00:21:10,036 What? Would you give me a push? Me push you out? Push you out... 357 00:21:10,071 --> 00:21:11,045 Er... Can we...? 358 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:16,088 Sorry, what was the question? We could either push him out or... Not do that. Not do that. 359 00:21:16,123 --> 00:21:19,993 Can we push him out? Ah... I think no. 360 00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:23,034 I'm coming down in favour of no as well. Sorry, James. 361 00:21:23,069 --> 00:21:26,040 It's a no, sorry. It's aunanimous no. See you, mate. Sorry. 362 00:21:26,075 --> 00:21:30,044 Right, well, let's move it on, to this. 363 00:21:30,079 --> 00:21:32,012 To that, actually, over there. 364 00:21:32,047 --> 00:21:35,057 That is a Porsche 911. 365 00:21:35,092 --> 00:21:39,592 And one way or another, that has been with us for about 1,000 years. 366 00:21:39,627 --> 00:21:44,092 Now, though, they've brought out a sort of greatest hits version. 367 00:21:47,036 --> 00:21:48,973 Here it is. 368 00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:51,053 Porsche call is the Sport Classic. 369 00:21:51,088 --> 00:21:57,092 But I prefer to think of it as "Now That's What I Call The Best Of The 911... 370 00:21:57,127 --> 00:21:59,977 "Volume One. " 371 00:22:00,012 --> 00:22:06,054 These duck-tail spoiler was originally a hit for the 1973 Carrera 2.7 RS. 372 00:22:06,089 --> 00:22:12,096 The black headlamp surrounds were first recorded by the 1974 Turbo RSR. 373 00:22:14,088 --> 00:22:21,088 The Fuchs alloys are a cover version of the ones first seen on the 1966911S. 374 00:22:21,123 --> 00:22:26,008 And the wide-body rear arches are from today's Carrera 4. 375 00:22:29,076 --> 00:22:31,965 Anyway, that's enough band analogies. 376 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,004 Let's see if this thing is as good as it was before Peter Gabriel left Genesis. 377 00:22:36,039 --> 00:22:40,068 Starting, if we must, with how fast it will go. 378 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:49,012 You get 22 more horsepower than you do in a standard Carrera S. 379 00:22:49,047 --> 00:22:52,084 That means 0-60 in 4.6 seconds. 380 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:55,045 Top speed 188. 381 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:59,084 And I suppose that means I've got to go and do it. 382 00:23:10,024 --> 00:23:11,076 Argh! 383 00:23:22,048 --> 00:23:25,528 So, it's very fast, very good looking, 384 00:23:25,563 --> 00:23:29,008 and surprisingly soft and comfortable, 385 00:23:29,043 --> 00:23:31,000 but there is a problem. 386 00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:33,985 It's L140,000- 387 00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:37,018 twice what a normal Carrera S costs. 388 00:23:37,053 --> 00:23:39,981 And they've only made 250 of them. 389 00:23:40,016 --> 00:23:42,080 And you can't buy one, because they've all been sold. 390 00:23:46,016 --> 00:23:49,028 So let's move on to a Porsche you can buy... 391 00:23:52,068 --> 00:23:55,021 .. the new Boxster Spyder. 392 00:23:55,056 --> 00:23:58,088 Porsche say this harks back to the lightweight models 393 00:23:58,123 --> 00:24:00,061 James Dean was driving in the '50s. 394 00:24:00,096 --> 00:24:05,000 But frankly, that's a bit of marketing cobblers. 395 00:24:05,035 --> 00:24:07,068 He was a rebel without an airbag. 396 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,028 This does have an airbag. 397 00:24:12,063 --> 00:24:13,037 But that's about it. 398 00:24:13,072 --> 00:24:19,012 It's 80kg lighter than the standard Boxster, thanks to aluminium doors, 399 00:24:19,047 --> 00:24:26,040 aluminium engine cover, super-light wheels and carbon-fibre seats. 400 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,042 There's more, or rather, less. 401 00:24:32,077 --> 00:24:34,049 There is no standard air-con. 402 00:24:34,084 --> 00:24:38,029 The door handles have been replaced by these little bits of rag 403 00:24:38,064 --> 00:24:42,041 and they've even ditched the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instruments. 404 00:24:42,076 --> 00:24:49,020 What Porsche do is, they leave a lot of things that you should get on a Boxster on a shelf in the factory 405 00:24:49,055 --> 00:24:53,016 and then they charge you more for not giving them to you. 406 00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:57,017 This car costs L46,000. 407 00:24:57,052 --> 00:25:00,048 That's 5,000 more than the standard car 408 00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:02,040 and you get less in return. 409 00:25:02,075 --> 00:25:04,985 Or do you? 410 00:25:05,020 --> 00:25:12,076 The 3.4 litre flat 6 now has 320 horsepower, 10 more than the standard Boxsters. 411 00:25:14,052 --> 00:25:20,056 And because it's lighter, 0-60 is done in just five seconds. 412 00:25:27,052 --> 00:25:28,076 Top speed? 413 00:25:28,111 --> 00:25:31,020 166. 414 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,012 I've owned the standard Boxster S for the last four years 415 00:25:36,047 --> 00:25:38,088 and I can promise you, this is better. 416 00:25:42,084 --> 00:25:44,997 It's more eager. 417 00:25:45,032 --> 00:25:46,096 It's bloody excellent. 418 00:25:50,052 --> 00:25:52,004 Hee-hee-hee! 419 00:25:53,092 --> 00:25:58,013 But all this stripped back Spyder stuff does have its drawbacks. 420 00:25:58,048 --> 00:26:03,080 What if you're driving along with the roof down and, suddenly, it starts to rain? 421 00:26:04,084 --> 00:26:07,066 Exactly. What a remarkable coincidence. 422 00:26:07,101 --> 00:26:10,590 Oh no, I need to erect the top tent. 423 00:26:10,625 --> 00:26:14,045 What you do is, you open the boot. 424 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:18,070 You take out this piece, which is called the sun shield. 425 00:26:18,105 --> 00:26:22,060 You get in the car, you attach it at the front first. 426 00:26:22,095 --> 00:26:24,064 Ah! 427 00:26:26,036 --> 00:26:27,993 Like that... 428 00:26:28,028 --> 00:26:32,088 Then... You get that bit behind you. 429 00:26:35,008 --> 00:26:36,080 Hang on. 430 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:43,000 And then the other end of the same wire goes on this special clamp 431 00:26:43,035 --> 00:26:47,052 and then these two bits clip on to there... 432 00:26:47,087 --> 00:26:48,045 Oh, sh... 433 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:53,080 'It was a nightmare. But I got it finished just as the "rain" stopped. 434 00:26:57,056 --> 00:27:01,057 Top speed is now reduced from 166 to 126 435 00:27:01,092 --> 00:27:06,024 because any faster than that and the sky tent blows off. 436 00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,973 Frankly, I couldn't care less. 437 00:27:08,008 --> 00:27:13,060 Because the way this car feels is so much more important than the top speed. 438 00:27:13,095 --> 00:27:14,969 This is a really happy car. 439 00:27:15,004 --> 00:27:17,049 It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm. 440 00:27:17,084 --> 00:27:20,044 It's a bit like one of those really stupid dogs. 441 00:27:20,079 --> 00:27:23,004 I bet if you threw a ball it would chase after it. 442 00:27:24,004 --> 00:27:27,060 And it's having a bit of an effect on me because to be honest, 443 00:27:27,095 --> 00:27:30,064 I have started behaving a bit like the other two idiots. 444 00:27:32,076 --> 00:27:39,004 The really amazing thing is, in a car as lithe and nimble as this, I can. 445 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:49,044 I've said before that some cars give me a strange fizzing sensation inside and this one really does. 446 00:27:49,079 --> 00:27:51,028 I'm fizzing massively here. 447 00:27:52,032 --> 00:27:54,004 I'm fizzing fit to burst. Nurse! 448 00:27:56,056 --> 00:27:59,032 That's actually a spin, but never mind. 449 00:28:00,096 --> 00:28:02,041 Never mind, indeed. 450 00:28:02,076 --> 00:28:08,000 What Porsche has done is take one of the most practical everyday sports cars you can buy 451 00:28:08,035 --> 00:28:10,096 and turned it into a simple indulgence. 452 00:28:13,064 --> 00:28:16,064 And by making it simple they've made it simply brilliant. 453 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,060 APPLAUSE 454 00:28:27,024 --> 00:28:28,017 He will be disappointed. 455 00:28:28,052 --> 00:28:33,526 It is a shame James isn't here because I didn't agree with everything he said then. 456 00:28:33,561 --> 00:28:39,000 It's a shame he's not here to stand up, but never mind, will carry on without him. 457 00:28:39,035 --> 00:28:40,973 Start with this, the Sport Classic. 458 00:28:41,008 --> 00:28:43,985 It's a fabulous looking thing. It's a fabulous car, actually. 459 00:28:44,020 --> 00:28:50,008 But the price! What I think happened here is, they started off with a price and then tried to justify it. 460 00:28:50,043 --> 00:28:53,036 No, I'm sorry, it is a pretty thing, but this is worse. 461 00:28:53,071 --> 00:28:54,977 This really is worse. 462 00:28:55,012 --> 00:28:58,001 An umbrella, no door handles. Honestly. 463 00:28:58,036 --> 00:29:02,076 So, I guess there's no point putting that round the track because you can't buy it. 464 00:29:02,111 --> 00:29:04,049 We'll just put this stupid thing round. 465 00:29:04,084 --> 00:29:08,548 I'll have to do the commentary, obviously. Oi! 466 00:29:08,583 --> 00:29:12,977 While it's driven by our tame racing driver. 467 00:29:13,012 --> 00:29:17,064 Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned 468 00:29:17,099 --> 00:29:21,028 from the Northampton branch of Little Chef. 469 00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:22,977 LAUGHTER 470 00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:27,016 And that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber. 471 00:29:27,051 --> 00:29:28,053 LAUGHTER 472 00:29:28,088 --> 00:29:32,052 Me too, actually. All we know, of course, it's the Stig! 473 00:29:32,087 --> 00:29:35,037 Oh no, he's facing the wrong direction. 474 00:29:35,072 --> 00:29:40,008 Of course, it's a Boxster - both ends look exactly the same. 475 00:29:40,043 --> 00:29:43,041 Off now, slowly, to the first corner. 476 00:29:43,076 --> 00:29:46,040 Just slowly driving through it really, 477 00:29:46,075 --> 00:29:47,981 in a not very interesting way. 478 00:29:48,016 --> 00:29:51,008 Nothing interesting at all to report there. 479 00:29:55,012 --> 00:29:59,036 Stig, still enjoying his new CD, Vuvuzela Moods. 480 00:29:59,071 --> 00:30:00,989 I should add that this is made possible 481 00:30:01,024 --> 00:30:07,026 because Porsche has very kindly reinstated the stereo they normally charge you L5,000 to remove. 482 00:30:07,061 --> 00:30:13,028 Plodding through the Hammerhead now in the manner of a car that only a complete idiot would like. 483 00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:15,064 Oh, dear. Bored. 484 00:30:19,024 --> 00:30:25,004 Little known fact, this is also the noise Stig makes when he wants to attract a mate. 485 00:30:25,039 --> 00:30:26,997 Follow through, past some tyres. 486 00:30:27,032 --> 00:30:33,068 Wish I'd brought a magazine to read while waiting for this stupid thing to haul its way round. 487 00:30:33,103 --> 00:30:38,068 Not very interesting there, sort of sliding there, and across the finish. 488 00:30:38,103 --> 00:30:40,096 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 489 00:30:43,096 --> 00:30:48,040 I don't mind that. don't like that. I have the time here 490 00:30:48,075 --> 00:30:51,073 for a Boxster Spyder and it did it in 491 00:30:51,108 --> 00:30:54,037 1:24.9 which actually isn't bad at all. 492 00:30:54,072 --> 00:30:58,076 That puts it right up there. No, notinterested in that at all. Let's put 493 00:30:58,111 --> 00:31:01,092 a star in our brand new reasonably priced car. 494 00:31:01,127 --> 00:31:04,021 Now, my guest tonight began his career 495 00:31:04,056 --> 00:31:08,566 writing pornographic stories for a gentlemen's magazine. 496 00:31:08,601 --> 00:31:13,041 He then went on to be communications director for Tony Blair 497 00:31:13,076 --> 00:31:18,072 and Gordon Brown, so he spent most of his adult life working with... 498 00:31:18,107 --> 00:31:19,577 penises. 499 00:31:19,612 --> 00:31:21,013 LAUGHTER 500 00:31:21,048 --> 00:31:24,060 Ladies and gentlemen, Alastair Campbell! 501 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:29,056 How are you? All right. 502 00:31:29,091 --> 00:31:32,041 BOOING 503 00:31:32,076 --> 00:31:34,052 Go on then, go on then! 504 00:31:36,044 --> 00:31:37,993 Two of the best people. 505 00:31:38,028 --> 00:31:42,080 Well, you've come in to the den oflions here. Yeah, they're all right! 506 00:31:42,115 --> 00:31:46,000 You don't know yet. It is tricky, I have to be honest, 507 00:31:46,035 --> 00:31:49,032 thinking about how this interview might go. 508 00:31:49,067 --> 00:31:51,048 Me, you... Yeah... left, right. 509 00:31:51,083 --> 00:31:53,044 Not necessarily right. 510 00:31:53,079 --> 00:31:54,037 Wrong. 511 00:31:54,072 --> 00:31:56,981 LAUGHTER The thing is, I don't believe 512 00:31:57,016 --> 00:32:00,044 what I write any more than you believe what you say. 513 00:32:00,079 --> 00:32:02,001 So... LAUGHTER 514 00:32:02,036 --> 00:32:05,048 .. interesting sitting here. We've got to do this interview 515 00:32:05,083 --> 00:32:07,072 and, at some point, we've got to get to the lap 516 00:32:07,107 --> 00:32:09,033 which is all cheery. 517 00:32:09,068 --> 00:32:12,060 I prepared some questions that I hope aren't too contentious. 518 00:32:12,095 --> 00:32:14,061 OK, I thought you would. 519 00:32:14,096 --> 00:32:16,076 A lot of work gone into these. 520 00:32:16,111 --> 00:32:18,005 Good. 521 00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:20,000 What is your favourite colour? 522 00:32:20,035 --> 00:32:21,981 LAUGHTER 523 00:32:22,016 --> 00:32:25,030 I've got two. Claret and blue. 524 00:32:25,065 --> 00:32:28,044 Blue? I wasn't expecting blue. 525 00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:29,969 Burnley Football Club. 526 00:32:30,004 --> 00:32:34,008 Burnley? I'm fascinated by your love of, erm, football. Mm-hm. 527 00:32:34,043 --> 00:32:38,012 Because you're a Yorkshireman but you support Burnley. Yup. 528 00:32:38,047 --> 00:32:39,977 Isn't that a bit like, I don't know, 529 00:32:40,012 --> 00:32:43,080 going to an Oxbridge college and then joining the Labour Party? 530 00:32:43,115 --> 00:32:46,040 LAUGHTER AND GASPS 531 00:32:47,044 --> 00:32:50,973 Lots did and lots have. 532 00:32:51,008 --> 00:32:54,048 But Burnley back then were one of the biggest and best teams 533 00:32:54,083 --> 00:32:57,088 in the country and they were 20 miles away from where I lived. 534 00:32:57,123 --> 00:33:00,037 What star sign are you? Gemini. 535 00:33:00,072 --> 00:33:03,088 I don't know anything about Gemini, except my wife's one. 536 00:33:03,123 --> 00:33:04,993 LAUGHTER 537 00:33:05,028 --> 00:33:06,072 D'you want to marry me? 538 00:33:08,052 --> 00:33:13,032 No?! No. I'm going to get political now. Go on, then. 539 00:33:13,067 --> 00:33:16,017 Here we go. So you started out writing porn. 540 00:33:16,052 --> 00:33:19,041 I mean that was Forum magazine. Was that right? Yeah. 541 00:33:19,076 --> 00:33:23,024 And then you became Blair's. You were communications director. 542 00:33:23,059 --> 00:33:25,088 There was a gap. There was a gap but eventually... 543 00:33:25,123 --> 00:33:28,040 So you did something noble and then ended up 544 00:33:28,075 --> 00:33:30,033 sort of prostituting yourself 545 00:33:30,068 --> 00:33:31,993 which I think is a weird way round. 546 00:33:32,028 --> 00:33:36,000 I want to move on to Gordon Brown, who lost the general election 547 00:33:36,035 --> 00:33:37,088 and has now disappeared. 548 00:33:37,123 --> 00:33:39,993 CHUCKLING 549 00:33:40,028 --> 00:33:42,516 Two-part question, and a serious one. 550 00:33:42,551 --> 00:33:44,969 You were obviously in charge of the image 551 00:33:45,004 --> 00:33:47,025 and how the election was presented to the people. 552 00:33:47,060 --> 00:33:51,076 Two parts. Who was it that told him that he had to smile, 553 00:33:51,111 --> 00:33:53,084 and then why did no-one tell him to stop? 554 00:33:53,119 --> 00:33:55,049 LAUGHTER 555 00:33:55,084 --> 00:33:58,076 Well, I wasn't in charge. I would have been in charge if we won, 556 00:33:58,111 --> 00:34:01,000 but we didn't win. So I wasn't in charge at all. 557 00:34:01,035 --> 00:34:02,053 LAUGHTER 558 00:34:02,088 --> 00:34:05,032 I don't think you can tell anybody to smile. 559 00:34:06,036 --> 00:34:08,084 But I think it was possibly his misfortune 560 00:34:08,119 --> 00:34:10,965 that he followed a Prime Minister 561 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,080 who does smile a lot very, very naturally. 562 00:34:13,115 --> 00:34:15,009 Not like that. He did. 563 00:34:15,044 --> 00:34:18,530 He's got nicer teeth than you,Jeremy. He looks after them. Yes, 564 00:34:18,565 --> 00:34:22,016 he probably used taxpayers'... Did they go on expenses, his teeth? 565 00:34:22,051 --> 00:34:26,037 No. No, they didn't. Don't applaud. APPLAUSE 566 00:34:26,072 --> 00:34:30,084 It just occurred to me... Don't applaud that. If I may, 567 00:34:30,119 --> 00:34:33,071 if I may, OK, I have some footage here. 568 00:34:33,106 --> 00:34:36,024 I just want to see Gordon Brown here, OK? 569 00:34:36,059 --> 00:34:38,072 Here he is. And ready, steady... 570 00:34:38,107 --> 00:34:41,021 LAUGHTER 571 00:34:41,056 --> 00:34:45,008 But look - he lightened up the room, didn't he? That was nice. 572 00:34:45,043 --> 00:34:47,092 Was it done with electricity, or...?LAUGHTER 573 00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:48,591 Fzzzzcrrkkk! 574 00:34:48,626 --> 00:34:50,021 LAUGHTER 575 00:34:50,056 --> 00:34:52,057 The thing is, you did Tweet, I believe, 576 00:34:52,092 --> 00:34:56,044 earlier this week saying, "How do I handle Clarkson, any suggestions?" 577 00:34:56,079 --> 00:34:59,041 I got a lot. Really? Yeah. Murder, kill... 578 00:34:59,076 --> 00:35:02,080 Some of those. "Kick him in the nuts. " 579 00:35:02,115 --> 00:35:05,049 Mm-hm. Yeah. "Ask him how he voted. " 580 00:35:05,084 --> 00:35:09,020 Do you know, I think it is none of your business. 581 00:35:09,055 --> 00:35:09,993 OK, fair enough. 582 00:35:10,028 --> 00:35:12,032 INDISTINCT RESPONSE I'm going to make a guess. 583 00:35:12,067 --> 00:35:13,969 Go on then. Tory. 584 00:35:14,004 --> 00:35:16,514 That would mean voting for my next door neighbour. 585 00:35:16,549 --> 00:35:19,280 Anyway, they didn't win. Cameron? No, he did win. 586 00:35:19,315 --> 00:35:21,977 Well, he didn't really. Well, he's the Prime Minister. 587 00:35:22,012 --> 00:35:25,076 He's the Prime Minister but he needs little Cleggo, doesn't he? 588 00:35:25,111 --> 00:35:27,028 He needs the tea boy, I agree. 589 00:35:27,063 --> 00:35:28,561 LAUGHTER 590 00:35:28,596 --> 00:35:30,334 HE SNORTS 591 00:35:30,369 --> 00:35:32,037 I... I... 592 00:35:32,072 --> 00:35:36,045 Anyway, when do we see the lap? No, not yet, not yet 593 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:40,048 because I want to talk about your books. Do you? Yeah. OK. 594 00:35:40,083 --> 00:35:42,061 You say that you get inspiration for writing them 595 00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:48,028 when you are driving along. Is that a distraction for your driver, or? 596 00:35:48,063 --> 00:35:51,973 LAUGHTER 597 00:35:52,008 --> 00:35:53,021 Honestly, in your book... OK. 598 00:35:53,056 --> 00:35:59,058 .. Prelude to Power, which is your diaries, pretty much in detail. 599 00:35:59,093 --> 00:36:05,060 That's, how many pages? 744 pages and it only gets us up to 1997. 600 00:36:05,095 --> 00:36:07,969 So, the actual "Prelude to Power". 601 00:36:08,004 --> 00:36:10,088 That's five times longer than War and Peace. 602 00:36:10,123 --> 00:36:12,013 I write a diary every day. You do? 603 00:36:12,048 --> 00:36:15,009 You really do write every day? You will be in there tonight. 604 00:36:15,044 --> 00:36:18,092 The chat we have outside about the director general will be in there... 605 00:36:18,127 --> 00:36:20,989 Oh, bloody hell! It was as well. 606 00:36:21,024 --> 00:36:25,024 I do a diary. I said that he wasa very well-endowed man. Yes, yes. 607 00:36:25,059 --> 00:36:30,065 Now, there is a lot about Clause Four, and all of the things 608 00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:34,562 that were being changed prior to His Tony-ness's appointment. 609 00:36:34,597 --> 00:36:38,989 I couldn't find a single reference to the most important thing 610 00:36:39,024 --> 00:36:43,012 that happened when he became Prime Minister which was the M4 bus lane. 611 00:36:43,047 --> 00:36:44,033 Hmm. 612 00:36:44,068 --> 00:36:47,965 Was that just a whim then? Was it not planned? 613 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:52,064 No, the thing is, Jeremy, as you rightly say, it goes up to 1997. 614 00:36:52,099 --> 00:36:54,025 Mm-hm. Volume two 615 00:36:54,060 --> 00:37:00,096 is subtitled "The M4 bus lane. In full. " I was terrified 616 00:37:00,131 --> 00:37:03,969 that John Prescott had walked in one day and gone, 617 00:37:04,004 --> 00:37:07,068 "Hey, I tell you what, let's paint outside lane on t'motorway red 618 00:37:07,103 --> 00:37:08,595 "and make it a bus lane. " Aye. 619 00:37:08,630 --> 00:37:10,053 And that's not what happened? No. 620 00:37:10,088 --> 00:37:15,044 There was a thought that it might alleviate some of the congestion 621 00:37:15,079 --> 00:37:18,044 and, according to the statistical analysis 622 00:37:18,079 --> 00:37:20,045 thereafter, it kind of worked. 623 00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:22,588 But YOU can't accept that because you want to cover 624 00:37:22,623 --> 00:37:25,096 the whole country in concrete and drive in big cars. 625 00:37:25,131 --> 00:37:26,591 Yeah. Yeah. 626 00:37:26,626 --> 00:37:28,017 LAUGHTER 627 00:37:28,052 --> 00:37:29,053 The other thing as well, 628 00:37:29,088 --> 00:37:32,033 what did you think of our new reasonably priced car? 629 00:37:32,068 --> 00:37:36,054 Because you're the first person to drive it in this proper situation. 630 00:37:36,089 --> 00:37:40,040 I quite liked it. Once I'd got into really kind of leathering it, 631 00:37:40,075 --> 00:37:42,005 it didn't have a lot of oomph. 632 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:46,072 I think The Stig was really patient, he really was. Top man. Really? 633 00:37:46,107 --> 00:37:49,056 I was kind of half hoping it would be a woman. 634 00:37:49,091 --> 00:37:53,965 Some say he's fanatically right wing. 635 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,072 No, he told me he's not. Really? He says you are. 636 00:37:57,107 --> 00:37:58,965 SCOFFS 637 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,000 See? You're just believing what it says in the papers again. 638 00:38:02,035 --> 00:38:06,088 No, I know you're a reasonable, fair-minded chap. 639 00:38:06,123 --> 00:38:08,009 No! 640 00:38:08,044 --> 00:38:09,061 LAUGHTER 641 00:38:09,096 --> 00:38:13,025 Anyway, who wants to see the lap?I do. 642 00:38:13,060 --> 00:38:16,088 You do. Let's play the tape. Let's have a look. 643 00:38:16,123 --> 00:38:17,973 WHEELSPIN SCREECH 644 00:38:18,008 --> 00:38:20,060 'Here we are. That wasn't me, was it?' 645 00:38:20,095 --> 00:38:21,053 'Not bad. Was it all right? 646 00:38:21,088 --> 00:38:25,028 'Dunno, actually. 'Come on, concentrate. 647 00:38:25,063 --> 00:38:27,989 Remember everything he said. 648 00:38:28,024 --> 00:38:32,012 'Let's have a look through the first corner. I'm going to see this car... 649 00:38:32,047 --> 00:38:34,965 'Well, going to see it going all round the track. ' 650 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,500 Nick Clegg should do this cos he hasn't got an awful lot to do. 651 00:38:38,535 --> 00:38:42,000 'Now, you've got to stay right here. Oh, no, you've veered left. 652 00:38:42,035 --> 00:38:43,028 'There's a surprise 653 00:38:44,048 --> 00:38:46,049 'On your way down to the hammerhead. 654 00:38:46,084 --> 00:38:49,070 'It understeers more than the old Chevrolet, this car. 655 00:38:49,105 --> 00:38:52,056 'Doesn't look like it's going as fast as I thought it was. 656 00:38:52,091 --> 00:38:54,061 'Everyone says that. But you keep... ' 657 00:38:54,096 --> 00:38:55,997 You ARE veering to the left! Oh God, yeah. 658 00:38:56,032 --> 00:38:59,048 'No, here we go. This is flat out. Were you flat-out from your...? 659 00:38:59,083 --> 00:39:01,577 'Felt flat-out, yeah. ' BLEEP! 660 00:39:01,612 --> 00:39:04,037 'Are you competitive? Very. ' 661 00:39:04,072 --> 00:39:07,024 I just want to beat Nick Robinson tonight. 662 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:12,024 'Yes, that's nicely done through there, you cut the corner very well. 663 00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:13,965 'I had real trouble down there. 664 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,004 'I kept going into 5th. That's bang... 665 00:39:16,039 --> 00:39:17,001 'Not quite fast enough. 666 00:39:17,036 --> 00:39:20,528 'You were in 5th? At one point, yeah. Wrong! 667 00:39:20,563 --> 00:39:24,020 'And there we are. And boing! Across the line!' 668 00:39:30,024 --> 00:39:32,020 So... 669 00:39:34,024 --> 00:39:36,025 So... 670 00:39:36,060 --> 00:39:38,057 where do you think you've come there? 671 00:39:38,092 --> 00:39:42,036 I'm quite keen to beatNick Robinson. There's a surprise, 672 00:39:42,071 --> 00:39:43,068 the BBC political editor. 673 00:39:43,103 --> 00:39:44,977 You did it, 674 00:39:45,012 --> 00:39:48,056 Alastair Campbell, in one minute... 675 00:39:48,091 --> 00:39:52,965 That's good... 40... 676 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,057 So bearing in mind he was at 49.9, 677 00:39:55,092 --> 00:39:58,096 you would have a job squeaking in after him. I'm doing well... 678 00:39:58,131 --> 00:40:01,579 1:47 dead. 679 00:40:01,614 --> 00:40:04,993 Oooh... 680 00:40:05,028 --> 00:40:07,052 That puts you as our second fastest. 681 00:40:07,087 --> 00:40:09,047 CHEERING 682 00:40:09,082 --> 00:40:10,973 That's OK. 683 00:40:11,008 --> 00:40:13,508 Well done. No, that's very good. 684 00:40:13,543 --> 00:40:16,008 My name fell down. That's very good. 685 00:40:16,043 --> 00:40:17,017 It fell down. 686 00:40:17,052 --> 00:40:19,040 Your name's fell down? 687 00:40:19,075 --> 00:40:21,041 Yeah. LAUGHTER 688 00:40:21,076 --> 00:40:22,973 Can we do that bit again? 689 00:40:23,008 --> 00:40:26,092 It can stay there. Why have you lost the magnetism? 690 00:40:26,127 --> 00:40:29,028 Because we don't get enough licence fee, 691 00:40:29,063 --> 00:40:31,008 thanks to you lot. There you are. 692 00:40:31,043 --> 00:40:32,977 So I beat Al Murray. 693 00:40:33,012 --> 00:40:36,048 You're faster than Al Murray. And aPage Three girl. Peta, 23, Essex. 694 00:40:36,083 --> 00:40:37,965 And Nick Robinson. Nick Robinson. 695 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,061 Next time he interviews you, you can go, 696 00:40:39,096 --> 00:40:43,044 "I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you. " 697 00:40:43,079 --> 00:40:45,053 And then hit him. LAUGHTER 698 00:40:45,088 --> 00:40:47,057 You're a huge sport for coming down here. 699 00:40:47,092 --> 00:40:51,020 Best of luck. I enjoyed it. Alastair Campbell! Thank you. 700 00:40:51,055 --> 00:40:52,088 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 701 00:40:53,088 --> 00:40:55,008 Marvellous. 702 00:41:01,036 --> 00:41:06,542 Now, now, earlier on, we proved that this BMW M3 is better 703 00:41:06,577 --> 00:41:12,048 in pretty much every way than this Mercedes and this Ford. 704 00:41:12,083 --> 00:41:14,005 Because of racism... Yeah, whatever. 705 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,064 Now it's time to go back to Germany so that the BMW 706 00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,969 can win all the other tests as well. 707 00:41:20,004 --> 00:41:23,064 We begin with Jeremy, predictably, moaning. 708 00:41:25,096 --> 00:41:30,032 This part of the world was ruined first of all by Hitler then Stalin 709 00:41:30,067 --> 00:41:34,004 and now Jonathan Porridge with his windmills. I like 'em. 710 00:41:34,039 --> 00:41:36,060 They're noisy, they're pointless. 711 00:41:37,060 --> 00:41:39,037 Oh, hello. Right. 712 00:41:39,072 --> 00:41:42,548 "Your cars will now be tested for faults 713 00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:46,024 "by ADAC, Germany's equivalent of the AA." 714 00:41:47,096 --> 00:41:51,028 We test them now, after we've maxed them on the autobahn, brilliant 715 00:41:51,063 --> 00:41:51,997 It won't hurt them. 716 00:41:52,032 --> 00:41:57,048 Apparently "one of ADAC's mobile patrols will arrive shortly". 717 00:41:57,083 --> 00:41:59,061 So we're looking for a van. 718 00:41:59,096 --> 00:42:02,016 It'll be a van of some sort. That's all right. 719 00:42:02,051 --> 00:42:03,061 'It was a van, 720 00:42:03,096 --> 00:42:06,020 'but this being Germany... ' 721 00:42:22,072 --> 00:42:26,070 It's got a reception, look. Look, it has. 722 00:42:26,105 --> 00:42:30,068 'The ADAC men took charge of James's Merc. ' 723 00:42:30,103 --> 00:42:32,068 Guten tag, Klaus. Hi. 724 00:42:32,103 --> 00:42:33,088 Fortschritt. 725 00:42:34,096 --> 00:42:37,049 JEREMY CHUCKLES 726 00:42:37,084 --> 00:42:39,033 What's wrong with the car? 727 00:42:39,068 --> 00:42:41,969 His racing gearbox is going well. 728 00:42:42,004 --> 00:42:45,084 'The equipment they had in the van was extraordinary 729 00:42:45,119 --> 00:42:47,969 'and the tests were very thorough. 730 00:42:48,004 --> 00:42:50,092 'They used a computer to measure the boiling point 731 00:42:50,127 --> 00:42:52,001 'of the Merc's brake fluid 732 00:42:52,036 --> 00:42:56,024 'and a gizmo to check the roundness of its tyres. ' 733 00:42:56,059 --> 00:42:58,985 There's a laser and everything. 734 00:42:59,020 --> 00:43:01,056 'It was doing quite well, but then... ' 735 00:43:03,092 --> 00:43:05,008 Oh, dear. 736 00:43:05,048 --> 00:43:06,989 Scheisse! 737 00:43:07,024 --> 00:43:10,021 What a load of rubbish! 738 00:43:10,056 --> 00:43:13,004 'After this, things got worse. ' 739 00:43:13,039 --> 00:43:17,061 CLUNKING JEREMY HOOTS 740 00:43:17,096 --> 00:43:20,056 I did 140 miles an hour. You did 140 miles an hour, 741 00:43:20,091 --> 00:43:23,045 and your wheels... nicht gut. 742 00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:26,049 .. Are very bad, you have let them rust. 743 00:43:26,084 --> 00:43:31,044 'It was time I put these German chappies straight on a few things. ' 744 00:43:31,079 --> 00:43:33,041 Martin Brundle was sehr gut uber dem auto. 745 00:43:33,076 --> 00:43:36,044 What was that you just said about Martin Brundle? 746 00:43:36,079 --> 00:43:37,981 I was just saying 747 00:43:38,016 --> 00:43:39,017 how Martin Brundle said 748 00:43:39,052 --> 00:43:43,008 that this was the finest rear-drive chassis he'd ever driven. 749 00:43:43,043 --> 00:43:44,549 He never said any... 750 00:43:44,584 --> 00:43:46,318 He did! He had one. 751 00:43:46,353 --> 00:43:48,017 He did not say... 752 00:43:48,052 --> 00:43:52,088 Unluckily for you, mate, I have Martin Brundle's number 753 00:43:52,123 --> 00:43:55,056 on my telephone. He will confirm that he said that 754 00:43:55,091 --> 00:43:56,041 and that he had one. 755 00:43:56,076 --> 00:44:00,028 This, he claimed, was the best? ! And famously said that. 756 00:44:00,063 --> 00:44:01,037 'Hello?' Martin? 757 00:44:01,072 --> 00:44:04,040 I'll talk to him. No, get off. Martin? Let me talk to him. 758 00:44:05,092 --> 00:44:09,004 Martin, morning, it's James from Top Gear. Hi, how are you? 759 00:44:09,039 --> 00:44:11,009 'Yeah, good, are you somewhere exciting?' 760 00:44:11,044 --> 00:44:13,985 I'm underneath a Mercedes 190 Cosworth, actually, 761 00:44:14,020 --> 00:44:17,016 and the other two won't believe me when I say that you said 762 00:44:17,051 --> 00:44:19,059 quite categorically that this was the finest 763 00:44:19,094 --> 00:44:21,068 rear-drive chassis of any car in the world 764 00:44:21,103 --> 00:44:23,040 and the best you'd ever driven. 765 00:44:23,075 --> 00:44:24,045 'When did I say that? 766 00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:28,020 'I've had a few knocks on the head but I don't remember saying that. 767 00:44:29,032 --> 00:44:30,013 'It's not a bad engine 768 00:44:30,048 --> 00:44:32,544 'but, no, it's really not that good. 769 00:44:32,579 --> 00:44:35,005 'You need the M3 for the best chassis 770 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,033 'from around that time, I would have thought. ' 771 00:44:37,068 --> 00:44:41,016 That was always my belief that people believed the M3 was better 772 00:44:41,051 --> 00:44:43,005 and it had got this folkloric reputation 773 00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:46,056 but anybody who knew what they were talking about, ie you, 774 00:44:46,091 --> 00:44:48,981 Ayrton Senna, knew that actually the Mercedes 775 00:44:49,016 --> 00:44:51,033 was the superior car. 'I don't remember Ayrton getting out 776 00:44:51,068 --> 00:44:54,088 'and saying, "That is the best rear drive chassis I've ever been in. " 777 00:44:54,123 --> 00:44:56,973 'I think he got out and said, 778 00:44:57,008 --> 00:45:00,080 '"I'm pleased it thrashed Lauda and Prost and all those guys. "' 779 00:45:00,115 --> 00:45:04,028 Niki Lauda and Alain Prost as well? I didn't know that. 780 00:45:04,063 --> 00:45:06,005 You don't need to speak to him... 781 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:09,985 I do need to speak to him. Martin? You've turned it off. 782 00:45:10,020 --> 00:45:14,044 He's catching an aeroplaneto his second home. What did he say? 783 00:45:14,079 --> 00:45:18,060 He confirmed everything I said about him. He also said, 784 00:45:18,095 --> 00:45:19,969 "The engine is excellent 785 00:45:20,004 --> 00:45:23,040 "and the M3 was a mere shadow of what this car was. " 786 00:45:23,075 --> 00:45:24,989 Did he? That's what he said? Yes he did. 787 00:45:25,024 --> 00:45:29,060 That's what he said? Yes. That'swhat he said? Right, lower the car. 788 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:34,044 'Next it was the turn of my Cosworth. ' 789 00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:39,028 Mein auto ist die einzige mit... 790 00:45:39,063 --> 00:45:42,032 TRANSLATION FROM GERMAN: 791 00:45:44,096 --> 00:45:50,000 Mein auto ist designen von eine Deutsche. Yah! 792 00:45:50,035 --> 00:45:51,037 Good. OK. 793 00:45:51,072 --> 00:45:52,041 Just making it plain. 794 00:45:52,076 --> 00:45:55,570 I don't want him to mark it down because it's Belgian. 795 00:45:55,605 --> 00:45:59,064 As it happens the ADAC man was impressed with my car. 796 00:45:59,099 --> 00:46:00,997 Good? 797 00:46:01,032 --> 00:46:02,993 All good! All good! 798 00:46:03,028 --> 00:46:05,060 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 799 00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:10,072 'But it would now be humiliated by the much younger M3.' 800 00:46:10,107 --> 00:46:12,033 I hate to say this 801 00:46:12,068 --> 00:46:16,016 because it's verging on complementing you but your car 802 00:46:16,051 --> 00:46:18,084 is now quite cool and collectible whereas that is 803 00:46:18,119 --> 00:46:21,076 just something driven by... Imbeciles. 804 00:46:21,111 --> 00:46:25,076 TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN: 805 00:46:28,028 --> 00:46:34,040 Best car? Sehr gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It is. 806 00:46:34,075 --> 00:46:37,973 'As it turned out, it wasn't. ' 807 00:46:38,008 --> 00:46:41,060 Crikey, look at that. That's the anti-roll bar, isn't it? 808 00:46:41,095 --> 00:46:44,080 It had an accident... Kaput. 809 00:46:44,115 --> 00:46:47,977 JEREMY CACKLES 810 00:46:48,012 --> 00:46:50,072 That's why you got a different shock absorber. 811 00:46:50,107 --> 00:46:52,977 It's been botched together. 812 00:46:53,012 --> 00:46:55,530 It has clearly had a crash, hasn't it? 813 00:46:55,565 --> 00:46:58,048 'Soon it was time to get our scores. ' 814 00:46:59,036 --> 00:47:01,049 And that's your Ford. 815 00:47:01,084 --> 00:47:03,066 The Ford. And the BMW. Thank you. 816 00:47:03,101 --> 00:47:05,554 What would be a good score on this? 817 00:47:05,589 --> 00:47:07,973 A new car would score, a good car... 818 00:47:08,008 --> 00:47:11,000 150 points. I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 819 00:47:12,044 --> 00:47:14,096 58. 58? That's good. 820 00:47:14,131 --> 00:47:16,087 ...19. 821 00:47:16,122 --> 00:47:18,009 19?! Mmm. 822 00:47:18,044 --> 00:47:20,032 That's not so good. No. 823 00:47:20,067 --> 00:47:22,080 Hammond? Six. 824 00:47:24,048 --> 00:47:26,084 He's not serious?! Six? 825 00:47:26,119 --> 00:47:27,057 Six, yes. 826 00:47:27,092 --> 00:47:30,056 Six?! That's right. 827 00:47:30,091 --> 00:47:33,020 Bu...? The Ford! 828 00:47:34,024 --> 00:47:36,056 How have I only got six? 829 00:47:36,091 --> 00:47:38,088 The back is very bad. Yeah. 830 00:47:38,123 --> 00:47:41,017 58- that's a pass. 831 00:47:41,052 --> 00:47:44,062 Six?! You might as well have gotnought. 832 00:47:44,097 --> 00:47:47,072 Would you say the BMW is dangerous?Yes. 833 00:47:49,028 --> 00:47:53,008 This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove. 834 00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:58,061 Six. 835 00:47:58,096 --> 00:48:01,001 I don't know how it could score less. 836 00:48:01,036 --> 00:48:04,032 It would have to have, like, wheels missing 837 00:48:04,067 --> 00:48:06,024 or a tiger in it. 838 00:48:08,012 --> 00:48:09,989 Tonight on First Gear, 839 00:48:10,024 --> 00:48:15,048 Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a death trap. 840 00:48:15,092 --> 00:48:19,016 'Hammond's mood wasn't improved when he found out 841 00:48:19,051 --> 00:48:21,048 'where we'd be staying the night. ' 842 00:48:25,024 --> 00:48:28,000 You've got to be kidding. 843 00:48:30,004 --> 00:48:33,016 'Yup! Colditz is now a hotel. ' 844 00:48:37,036 --> 00:48:38,076 OK. 845 00:48:50,044 --> 00:48:52,056 'The next morning, James and Richard checked out 846 00:48:53,016 --> 00:48:54,088 'in the traditional fashion. ' 847 00:48:54,123 --> 00:48:58,092 "Colditz Theme" 848 00:49:14,060 --> 00:49:15,997 Where have you two been? 849 00:49:16,032 --> 00:49:19,052 How did you get out? I used mycredit card at the reception desk. 850 00:49:19,087 --> 00:49:21,005 I don't know why we all didn't do that. 851 00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:23,040 It wouldn't make for a good TV series, would it? 852 00:49:23,075 --> 00:49:24,053 It wouldn't have had 28 episodes. 853 00:49:24,088 --> 00:49:28,040 Next, Major Pat Reid denies watching the movie that was on his bill. 854 00:49:30,048 --> 00:49:34,056 'To Richard's consternation, it was then time for our track day. 855 00:49:34,064 --> 00:49:39,032 'The producers insisted we stuck to track day etiquette by wearing 856 00:49:39,067 --> 00:49:44,000 'clothing from the catalogues of the companies that made our cars. ' 857 00:49:45,032 --> 00:49:46,049 Holy 858 00:49:46,084 --> 00:49:48,548 Moly! Ooh, that's daddy's. 859 00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,977 That's not a good look. 860 00:49:51,012 --> 00:49:53,033 It says a lot about people who drive Mercedes Benz. 861 00:49:53,068 --> 00:49:56,044 It does, and do you know, as of Monday morning, I don't, 862 00:49:56,079 --> 00:49:57,053 any more! 863 00:49:57,088 --> 00:50:02,028 If there was a fire around here, imagine the melting...! Ah! 864 00:50:02,063 --> 00:50:04,045 Now, the most important challenge - 865 00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:08,020 "Which of you has the fastest track day car? 866 00:50:08,055 --> 00:50:10,029 "To make sure this test is fair, 867 00:50:10,064 --> 00:50:14,973 "each of your cars will be drivenby the same driver. " Yes! 868 00:50:15,008 --> 00:50:18,064 I don't have to go out there in the death trap... Oh, yes, you do. 869 00:50:18,099 --> 00:50:20,037 "You will be in the passenger seat 870 00:50:20,072 --> 00:50:23,060 "while the car is driven by a tame racing driver. " 871 00:50:23,095 --> 00:50:26,084 What, the Stig? No, he's not the Stig. 872 00:50:26,119 --> 00:50:30,064 He's the Stig's German cousin. 873 00:50:35,064 --> 00:50:39,040 Looks like the Stig to me. Still the Stig. Still the St... 874 00:50:39,075 --> 00:50:41,079 It is the Stig! No, hang on. 875 00:50:41,114 --> 00:50:43,049 Oh, my giddy aunt. Mullet. 876 00:50:43,084 --> 00:50:46,076 I think it might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus. 877 00:50:46,111 --> 00:50:49,020 First up for Herr Stig 878 00:50:49,055 --> 00:50:50,076 was the Mercedes. 879 00:50:53,036 --> 00:50:55,004 Go! 880 00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:58,969 ROUGH ENGINE ROAR 881 00:50:59,004 --> 00:51:01,024 That doesn't sound good. 882 00:51:04,052 --> 00:51:07,056 You've got to remember that in the ADAC tests, they revealed 883 00:51:07,091 --> 00:51:08,989 that the steering was a bit loose. 884 00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:12,020 There's a lot of play in the rack, so just don't overdo it, OK? 885 00:51:14,020 --> 00:51:15,096 Bloody hell! 886 00:51:18,032 --> 00:51:21,032 'To compensate for the Merc's lack of power, 887 00:51:21,067 --> 00:51:23,052 'German Stig was on maximum attack. ' 888 00:51:27,056 --> 00:51:30,989 So this is bigger than the Nurburgring, right, this track? 889 00:51:31,024 --> 00:51:35,068 Must be, cos of the amount of time it's taken. Must be 35 miles. Yeah. 890 00:51:36,072 --> 00:51:41,056 You can feel the multi-link, Martin Brundle-approved, 891 00:51:41,091 --> 00:51:46,040 rear suspension hunkering down... Get a grip, man! 892 00:51:50,092 --> 00:51:57,092 It's 2 mins 19.3, and we've no idea what that means. 893 00:51:59,048 --> 00:52:00,969 'But we'd soon find out, 894 00:52:01,004 --> 00:52:04,056 'because it was time to lap the Ford. ' 895 00:52:06,060 --> 00:52:09,068 And the muscles from Brussels is under way! 896 00:52:09,103 --> 00:52:12,081 The Jean-Claude Van Damme-anator! 897 00:52:12,116 --> 00:52:15,060 That rear suspension is collapsed. 898 00:52:16,068 --> 00:52:21,025 This is... pure track day magic. 899 00:52:21,060 --> 00:52:27,032 1,250 kilograms, that's all it weighs, the same as a Mini. 900 00:52:27,067 --> 00:52:29,032 But it has 200 horsepower! 901 00:52:30,068 --> 00:52:32,009 So, this German Stig fella... 902 00:52:32,044 --> 00:52:35,056 will he take well to Jeremy shouting at him and stuff, do you think? 903 00:52:35,091 --> 00:52:36,989 He didn't take any notice of me 904 00:52:37,024 --> 00:52:40,004 when I told him which gearto change into. Who would? 905 00:52:41,016 --> 00:52:43,029 This is the car which has won 906 00:52:43,064 --> 00:52:45,969 the British Touring Car Championship, 907 00:52:46,004 --> 00:52:50,072 the World Touring Car Championship, the British Rally Championship! 908 00:52:52,060 --> 00:52:55,056 Das Stig is a maniac! 909 00:52:56,092 --> 00:52:58,080 Here he comes. 910 00:53:01,048 --> 00:53:03,044 Wall, wall, wall. 911 00:53:04,068 --> 00:53:05,088 This is going to be close. 912 00:53:05,123 --> 00:53:09,028 12, 13, 14. 913 00:53:12,008 --> 00:53:13,021 Come on, let's have it. 914 00:53:13,056 --> 00:53:17,068 Two... Yep. 14. Ooh-hoo-hoo! 915 00:53:17,103 --> 00:53:19,053 Five seconds faster! 916 00:53:19,088 --> 00:53:23,052 'All that remained was to lap Hammond's crash-damaged death trap. ' 917 00:53:23,087 --> 00:53:26,064 There are quite a lot of right hand turns, aren't there, 918 00:53:26,099 --> 00:53:27,965 in that first bit? Yeah. 919 00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:31,012 You're really putting a lot of stress on the front left suspension. 920 00:53:31,047 --> 00:53:34,033 Exactly. If your car had had, let's say, an accident, 921 00:53:34,068 --> 00:53:37,020 and had been mended cheaply on the front left corner... 922 00:53:37,055 --> 00:53:39,008 Stop talking. 923 00:53:40,076 --> 00:53:44,048 Now, Herr Stig, there's one important thing I have to tell you 924 00:53:44,083 --> 00:53:46,056 about this car before we set off... 925 00:53:46,091 --> 00:53:49,001 No, I didn't mean set off! 926 00:53:49,036 --> 00:53:52,004 I haven't told you the thing! What about the thing? 927 00:53:53,096 --> 00:53:56,052 Are you cold? No. 928 00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,096 Go right. Go right. 929 00:54:07,020 --> 00:54:09,001 D'you know what I'm expecting to see? Er... 930 00:54:09,036 --> 00:54:12,080 Just the front wheel coming across the line in about two minutes' time. 931 00:54:19,032 --> 00:54:20,037 I'm just waiting to hear 932 00:54:20,072 --> 00:54:23,040 the unmistakable sound of metal snapping. 933 00:54:26,028 --> 00:54:29,084 And the... of arterial blood. 934 00:54:32,008 --> 00:54:33,072 Wall! 935 00:54:34,028 --> 00:54:37,036 110 miles an hour in a car that scored 6. 936 00:54:46,044 --> 00:54:48,568 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 937 00:54:48,603 --> 00:54:51,092 The board. The points. 938 00:54:51,127 --> 00:54:53,071 Here we go. 939 00:54:53,106 --> 00:54:54,981 Yes. What? 940 00:54:55,016 --> 00:54:58,096 Oh, come on, then, what was the time for the BM, what was the lap time? 941 00:54:58,131 --> 00:55:00,021 I've forgotten. 942 00:55:00,056 --> 00:55:02,064 The time, what was it, come on? 943 00:55:02,099 --> 00:55:03,973 Seriously. 944 00:55:04,008 --> 00:55:05,053 What did he do it in? 2.06. 945 00:55:05,088 --> 00:55:08,001 Yes! Thank you very much, I win that. So, yeah, 946 00:55:08,036 --> 00:55:11,056 you get one point for every second underneath three minutes, 947 00:55:11,091 --> 00:55:12,057 so 2.06... 948 00:55:12,092 --> 00:55:15,080 54 points... Oh, yeah... for you. 949 00:55:15,115 --> 00:55:17,016 Why is that 3.14? 950 00:55:17,051 --> 00:55:18,029 What? 951 00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,080 Well, I did the lap in 2 minutes 14. 952 00:55:20,115 --> 00:55:22,096 But, you see, the producer disagrees. 953 00:55:22,131 --> 00:55:23,973 Why? Well, 954 00:55:24,008 --> 00:55:28,012 it was that new producer we've got, the one from Uruguay. 955 00:55:28,047 --> 00:55:32,016 Sorry, mate, he's right, he didn't see one of those minutes, 956 00:55:32,051 --> 00:55:33,009 so you can't have it. 957 00:55:33,044 --> 00:55:36,096 It was on television! That'sinadmissible. It doesn't count. 958 00:55:36,131 --> 00:55:38,025 This is ridiculous. Bad luck. 959 00:55:38,060 --> 00:55:43,004 Moving on. So that means my BMW was the fastest on the autobahn, 960 00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:45,025 it was the most spacious in that test, 961 00:55:45,060 --> 00:55:46,977 and then it put in the fastest lap. 962 00:55:47,012 --> 00:55:49,032 Well, I will now garner back some points, 963 00:55:49,067 --> 00:55:50,985 because it's the YouTube section. 964 00:55:51,020 --> 00:55:54,072 As we know, people who go to track days, 965 00:55:54,107 --> 00:55:56,021 they put a camera on the dashboard, 966 00:55:56,056 --> 00:56:00,032 they record their lap, they put that lap on YouTube. 967 00:56:00,067 --> 00:56:02,973 And we were told to do the same thing, OK? 968 00:56:03,008 --> 00:56:07,032 And then there would be one point for every hit we got. 969 00:56:07,067 --> 00:56:11,056 James, I believe now we have a clip from your Mercedes lap? 970 00:56:11,091 --> 00:56:13,009 Let's have a look at that now. 971 00:56:13,044 --> 00:56:17,072 'And we're off. A little bit of tramping from the axle there. 972 00:56:17,107 --> 00:56:19,997 'Then I'm going to select fourth as we come 973 00:56:20,032 --> 00:56:23,016 'up to the end of the straight, and we go in to turn one. 974 00:56:23,051 --> 00:56:25,068 'As we go round turn one... Oh... 975 00:56:25,103 --> 00:56:27,981 'Oh, cock. As you can see, 976 00:56:28,016 --> 00:56:30,973 'there are bollards on the circuit, which is not 977 00:56:31,008 --> 00:56:34,088 'what I was expecting, and must mean I've gone the wrong way. ' 978 00:56:34,123 --> 00:56:39,012 How can you get lost on a racetrack, mate? I don't... 979 00:56:39,047 --> 00:56:39,989 I don't... It's one way. 980 00:56:40,024 --> 00:56:42,546 I know, I don't understan d it,I'm sorry. All right. 981 00:56:42,581 --> 00:56:45,068 Let's have a look at a clip from Jeremy's video. 982 00:56:45,103 --> 00:56:49,072 'Coming up now to the end of a lap. 983 00:56:49,107 --> 00:56:52,985 'I'm doing 195 miles an hour, 984 00:56:53,020 --> 00:56:58,004 '200, 210 miles an hour now, 220... 985 00:56:58,039 --> 00:56:59,037 'And I cross the line. ' 986 00:56:59,072 --> 00:57:03,045 What? You just lied and then sped up the film. A bit. 987 00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:07,004 A lot! A bit. Let's have a look atyour lap in the death trap. 988 00:57:07,039 --> 00:57:08,993 All right. Here we go. 989 00:57:09,028 --> 00:57:11,005 Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! 990 00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:13,056 And listen to that straight six! 991 00:57:13,091 --> 00:57:15,017 Brvoom! 992 00:57:15,052 --> 00:57:18,072 You didn't take it out. No, I did, the camera broke. 993 00:57:18,107 --> 00:57:21,063 I did it properly... Cluck! Cluck!Stop doing that. 994 00:57:21,098 --> 00:57:23,985 That's very annoying. You chicken. No, I wasn't. 995 00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:26,096 I did do a lap, the camera broke, it just recorded sound. 996 00:57:26,131 --> 00:57:27,997 OK, we've had those clips up 997 00:57:28,032 --> 00:57:31,080 for a week? Yeah. How many hits did you get? I got... 998 00:57:31,115 --> 00:57:34,005 71. 999 00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:35,021 CHEERING 1000 00:57:35,056 --> 00:57:39,021 Are you seriously suggesting 1001 00:57:39,056 --> 00:57:42,997 71 people...? Why would theydo that? Why would 1002 00:57:43,032 --> 00:57:47,036 71...? Why are people compelled toput themselves on it? 71 points. 1003 00:57:47,071 --> 00:57:52,032 OK. I got 137. Wow! 1004 00:57:57,044 --> 00:57:58,540 Hammond? 1005 00:57:58,575 --> 00:57:59,829 Seven. 1006 00:57:59,864 --> 00:58:01,049 LAUGHTER 1007 00:58:01,084 --> 00:58:02,989 Seven? Seven, yeah. 1008 00:58:03,024 --> 00:58:05,044 Seven. That was pathetic. Thinking back, 1009 00:58:05,079 --> 00:58:06,053 I should have misspelled M3 1010 00:58:06,088 --> 00:58:09,086 in the tag line bit on the Internet. What, 3M? 1011 00:58:09,121 --> 00:58:12,049 No, if I'd spelled it "Angelina Jolie topless", 1012 00:58:12,084 --> 00:58:16,076 I'd have got more hits than both of you, but I didn't. Anyway, 1013 00:58:16,111 --> 00:58:20,020 we then did an economy run, from Germany into Poland. 1014 00:58:20,055 --> 00:58:23,069 Sadly there isn't time tonight to show you that. 1015 00:58:23,104 --> 00:58:26,084 The upshot was, though, James ran out of petrol. 1016 00:58:26,119 --> 00:58:33,004 Therefore, you get minus 141.Hang on. 1017 00:58:33,039 --> 00:58:35,045 What? I've got minus 1018 00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,965 exactly what I already had. Yes. 1019 00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:41,057 That's the rules - it happened to him once. It did. 1020 00:58:41,092 --> 00:58:45,028 That is the rules. You're minus 141, so you're currently on... nought. 1021 00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:49,045 Er... I get 10 for that, because I won 1022 00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:52,048 in the Ford, thanks to its two-litre engine, 1023 00:58:52,083 --> 00:58:55,008 and you get five for coming second. 1024 00:58:55,043 --> 00:58:55,985 Which means, 1025 00:58:56,020 --> 00:58:59,040 we have just one final challenge, something to do with price - 1026 00:58:59,075 --> 00:59:00,965 I have it here. 1027 00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:03,048 So it's a two-horse race. Either you or me will win. 1028 00:59:03,083 --> 00:59:05,009 He's out. Absolutely. 1029 00:59:05,044 --> 00:59:09,060 He is completely out. He's on nought. OK. So, here we go. 1030 00:59:09,095 --> 00:59:12,021 You get one point for every pound 1031 00:59:12,056 --> 00:59:15,057 your car was under the L5,000 budget. 1032 00:59:15,092 --> 00:59:21,040 So, hang on, mine cost L3,990, so I get 1,010 points there! 1033 00:59:21,075 --> 00:59:22,973 Look at that. 1034 00:59:23,008 --> 00:59:24,037 I like that. Go on then, 1035 00:59:24,072 --> 00:59:30,024 how much did yours cost? 4,999. So you get one point! 1036 00:59:30,059 --> 00:59:32,005 Which means, clearly, I win that! 1037 00:59:32,040 --> 00:59:34,088 Thank you very much. I may as wellhave just bought a toy car. 1038 00:59:34,123 --> 00:59:37,096 I was going to get the prize. I would have got... 1039 00:59:37,131 --> 00:59:40,064 Those are the rules, and I win! Thank you! 1040 00:59:40,099 --> 00:59:43,064 Delighted. And rightly so. CHEERING 1041 00:59:43,099 --> 00:59:44,989 No! 1042 00:59:45,024 --> 00:59:48,977 I'm sorry. 1043 00:59:49,012 --> 00:59:53,012 If I may just take that from you and ask you to stand to one side, 1044 00:59:53,047 --> 00:59:56,993 because my car was L2,990, 1045 00:59:57,028 --> 01:00:02,056 meaning I have 2,010 points straightaway there, which I think 1046 01:00:02,091 --> 01:00:05,016 you will find makes me... 1047 01:00:05,051 --> 01:00:07,053 the winner. 1048 01:00:07,088 --> 01:00:09,021 CHEERING 1049 01:00:09,056 --> 01:00:10,981 That's just silly. 1050 01:00:11,016 --> 01:00:14,024 That's just ridiculous. 1051 01:00:16,060 --> 01:00:18,993 Oi! Are we honestly going to say, 1052 01:00:19,028 --> 01:00:21,993 on the world's biggest motoring show, 1053 01:00:22,028 --> 01:00:25,096 to 350 million people, that the best track day car 1054 01:00:25,131 --> 01:00:27,577 is a slow, rusty, 1055 01:00:27,612 --> 01:00:29,989 wobbly wheeled, 1056 01:00:30,024 --> 01:00:34,021 small, uneconomical piece of junk? 1057 01:00:34,056 --> 01:00:38,000 Yes. And on that bombshell, it's time to say goodnight. Goodbye. 1058 01:00:38,035 --> 01:00:39,052 Oh, this is just ridiculous! 1059 01:00:54,060 --> 01:00:57,064 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 1060 01:00:57,099 --> 01:01:00,068 E- mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk