Tonight, I wear a hat...
Richard wears a hat...
and James wears a hat.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.
Welcome. Thank you so much.
Now...
Now, we start tonight with a letter.
It's from a chap called Alan Massive Liar and it says,
"Dear Jez, Dick and Jim,
"I want a convertible supercar,
"but I only have Â£113,500 to spend.
"Can you help?"
This is very timely, actually,
because as it happens, no, we can't.
This is the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder,
which in this spec, costs Â£113,500.
And this is the new Porsche 911 Turbo convertible,
which, to all intents and purposes, costs Â£113,500.
If it's speed you're after, the Audi looks like the better bet
because it is much, much more powerful.
But because the Porsche is so much lighter,
they both produce exactly 306 brake horsepower per tonne.
If they were supermarkets, you'd do them for price fixing.
There's more, too.
They're both German, they're both four-wheel drive,
and they both have hoods made from cloth rather than metal.
So let's see if they can be split in a drag race.
Right, some numbers.
I have a Lamborghini 5.2 litre V10, and I'm up against
Porsche's brand-new 3.8 litre,
twin turbocharged, direct-injected flat six.
This should be interesting.
Three, two, one!
Go!
And indeed, it is interesting.
Ironman's heavy weight iron car
is losing to the lightweight one with the iron lung.
But now let's see what happens if we swap drivers and do the race again.
Go!
Oh no!
'Embarrassingly, this time round, the Audi was victorious.'
The reason that happened is simple.
Four-wheel-drive cars like these are notoriously difficult to get off the line quickly.
If you do it well, you're going to win.
If you do it badly, you're going to lose.
So really, in short race like that, it's all down to the driver.
The cars, predictably, almost exactly the same.
They both do 0-60 in around four seconds.
And flat out, they can both crack 190 miles an hour.
So in a straight line, there's nothing to choose between them.
But what about in the corners?
Well, it's the same story here because they both have the same problem.
You see, a normal car like this is strong,
because the two ends are connected together
by a roof and a floor - two pieces of metal.
If you take the roof away,
you end up with a big heavy engine here,
connected to the steering and suspension gubbins there by just the floor.
It's like having two bricks joined together by a playing card -
it's going to be all wobbly.
To get round the problem,
Audi has fitted the Spyder with lots of strengthening beams.
Now that sounds fine, but it's added 100 kilograms to the weight.
Porsche meanwhile offers the turbo with active engine mounts,
which make the engine part of the car's backbone.
It sounds intriguing, but has it worked?
In a word, yes.
This is a million times better than the old 911 turbo convertible.
Mind you, that isn't saying much,
because other things that are a million times nicer than the old car
include tuberculosis.
And being on fire. Stuff like that.
However, even though it is a big improvement,
it is heavier than the coupe and despite everything...
..it's still not as rigid.
And just knowing that, it sort of spoils everything.
So what about the Audi?
The hard-top R8 V10 was one of
the best cars I drove last year.
And actually, in one important respect, this is even better.
That noise.
With no roof, you can hear it even more clearly.
The only sound I can think of which is better than that
is the sound of Peter Mandelson being attacked by bears.
With that noise going on,
it's very hard to detect the shimmying and you really don't notice the extra weight.
Really, it's like driving a car that has chlamydia -
there are no symptoms but you know it's there
and that sort of... spoils the relationship a bit.
On the track then, both are good,
but you get the sense that neither is as good as it could be.
So what about practical stuff, such as what big speed convertibles like these
can do if you have big hair?
Now, ideally to demonstrate this, we need James May
but sadly he's busy today,
building a nuclear submarine out of Lego probably.
So instead we've got someone who looks just like him...
except for in every single detail.
This is Lauren.
She's spent all morning having her hair done,
and now we're going to see how it's affected by driving the Audi.
Was it, er, an expensive haircut? Yeah.
This is probably how you imagine things will be if you have a convertible supercar.
The smell of the scenery, Groove Armada in the stereo,
and a James May body double by your side.
But the whole point of this car is speed and that changes everything.
SHE SCREAMS
140.
In just two minutes,
I've turned Lauren into a pop star from the 1980s.
The Audi, then - not a good hairstylist.
Sadly, our attempts to see if the Porsche was any better ended prematurely.
My eye! Let me... No listen, a bee went in it.
No, the thing in my nose has a face!
So there we are.
Set off for a weekend away with your wife in either of these cars
and you'll arrive blind and with Bonnie Tyler in the passenger seat.
Naming a winner, then, between these two cars
is not that easy because, frankly,
they both lose.
# Nothing I can say
# A total eclipse of the heart. #
Bonnie Tyler? I don't get it.
So... I don't understand.
So what you're saying is they both lose.
They both lose, yes, because the R8, the hardtop and the 911 hardtop,
they're like poached halibut.
Halibut? Halibut.
Now, if you put HP sauce on delicious poached halibut, you're going to ruin it.
If you put HP sauce on a bacon sandwich,
you're going to make it better.
You are quite odd. You know that, don't you? It does make sense.
Yeah, I think I know sort of what you're getting at.
If you take the roof off an ordinary car like a Peugeot or a BMW 1 Series or something,
no harm done and if anything, you make it a bit better cos it's a bit of drama. Quite.
But with serious performance cars... Halibut. Whatever. Yeah. ..it's a different story.
There are good reasons why there's never been a Eurofighter Typhoon Cabriolet.
Precisely. And having cleared that up,
we must now find how fast these cars go round our track
and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he's spent all week daydreaming
about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer.
LAUGHTER
And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary,
because he's paid in strong pornography.
LAUGHTER
All we know is, he's called the Stig.
And they're off,
Stig fuelled by his fanatical hatred of Rubens Barrichello.
Powering down towards the first corner, here they are
and the Audi looks like it's getting a bit out of shape already.
Yes, it is.
# Night fever, night fever... #
Oh dear.
Stig seems to have developed an obsession with the Bee Gees.
Perhaps it's cos they share a love of the white suit.
Around Chicago, both dipping a wheel off the track.
Now hammerhead, Stig stamping on the brakes,
imagining it's the head of a Williams driver.
Not Nico Hulkenberg, obviously.
911s can understeer, but no sign of it there at all.
The Audi's in good shape, too.
# Sweet city woman, she moves... #
I should say the Stig also dislikes convertible supercars
because he always tries to keep his helmet out of the flies.
I've just realised that if these two go faster
than their hardtop equivalents, I'm going to look like a massive idiot.
They've just got Gambon to do now.
Both round and there we are, across the line.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, then. So...
No pressure. Here we go. Hang on. No pressure.
The Porsche 911 Turbo convertible
did it in 1:22.2 seconds, which is there.
Where's the hardtop? We never tested the hard top. Which is lucky for you.
We have done an Audi R8, though - it's here.
If this is faster than that you are going to look, by your own admission, a massive idiot.
Yes I am. Go on, then.
1:21.6, the convertible.
1:22.3!
Oh-ho-ho! Look at that!
You got away with that by the skin of your teeth.
Look how similar they are.
Now...
Before we do the news, I'd just like to conduct a quick loyalty test.
As you know, last week there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us,
so I just wondered... Who watched Top Gear last week?
Hands up. I did. I did. It was great. Jeremy, you?
I couldn't watch it.
I'll be honest, I found the bit with the wedding pretty cringeworthy.
No, I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg. Watching the final?
Oh great! So the one week when we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty
and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart? Yes, I did.
But I have brought one of these back.
Oh, God!
Great. Two long, noisy things.
One long, noisy thing.
They don't work. They don't. Look.
VUVUZELA FAILS TO BUZZ
What was all the fuss about, then?
They were terrifyingly loud.
I might have drunk some tequila through it, I admit, after the match but it doesn't work.
You try. You won't... You've got a degree.
If you play a solo, I'll kick you.
NO NOISE
LAUGHTER
That wouldn't disturb a game of chess, let alone a football match.
It doesn't work. Why is it orange, anyway? I was supporting the Dutch.
Why were you supporting the Dutch? Because the Dutch watch Top Gear and the Spanish don't.
And you don't watch Top Gear in your house either, apparently. Can we do the news?
A university in Virginia, which is in America,
has come up with a car which can be driven by...
Er...dead people? No. That's stupid. Bats. That's really stupid.
No. He's nearly right with bats - it can be driven by blind people.
Really? I've a photograph of it here.
The inventors say it's always been wrongly assumed
that blind people can't drive.
Well, they can't.
Realistically... Blind people can drive, just mostly into things.
This is where this comes in.
It's got lasers and radar on it and they feed news of impending disaster
to the driver via compressed air and a vibrating vest.
Vest? Right. What happens if you put your vest on backwards
cos you can't see the label cos, no offence, but you're blind.
So, and then it will say left when it means right and you'll crash.
I think it's important people do whatever they can to help disabled people. That's important.
But I just can't see that working. I-I don't....
I'm not sure. It's far too complicated.
Why don't they just take up my idea and teach dogs to drive?
James, dogs can't drive.
Thank you, James. Animal Hospital next week, presented by the idiot.
This system on this buggy was developed by students.
Volvo, a byword for safety, has now developed a similar system and they recently invited
all the world's press over to Sweden to look at a system which basically sees the obstacle.
If it thinks the driver's not concentrating, has fallen asleep... Or is blind.
Or s blind, it will brake for you. Here's their test. This was just a couple of weeks ago.
There was a report out the other week about dangerous roads in Britain.
There were some incredible statistics in it.
Half of all the crashes in Britain happen on 10% of the roads.
One of the most dangerous roads is this one.
The A537 near Macclesfield.
Most of the roads in the most dangerous category are bikers' roads.
Oh, here we go. Have a go at bikers time, is it? It's been a while. Go on, kick us.
Let me give you this.
One in four fatal or serious accidents on an A road involves a bike.
There are only eight bikes on the road of Britain
and they're involved in a quarter of all crashes. Well...
If in terms of miles covered, they're more dangerous than puff adders.
If you've got one of those Suzuki black busas... Hayabusa, actually.
Black busa sounds like a sex toy. It probably is, yes.
Hayabusa. So you drive that, on average, about ten times a year.
Statistically you will be killed three times every time you go out.
Let me give you another statistic.
The average age at which a biker is killed is 35. A-ha.
What? I'm 47.
That means you've been living on borrowed time for 12 years.
No, for 12 years he's been riding his bike perfectly perpendicular to the road.
He does, actually.
Honestly. He left here the other day,
I've seen faster-moving icebergs than you.
He got behind a bus going up to the A3 from here and he sat behind the bus the entire way.
"I'm going along." You did.
That's because the bus said Guildford on the front and that's where I wanted to go.
LAUGHTER
What's the point?
Can I just say, on the roads round where I... Anyone else live in the Cotswolds round here?
You do? Have you seen those roads where it says "bikers beware"?
What does that mean? Does that mean I'm supposed to beware of them?
The point about the sign is, it's sign shorthand, so you can read it at speed.
There's no point making a sign saying "Motorcyclists, have you considered that there
"may be a cantankerous, pig-headed middle-aged man with pubes for hair driving around
"on an overpowered Mercedes that should be a four-seater but hasn't a back seat, yet costs twice as much."
The sign would be enormous.
Why doesn't it just say "bikers, go home"?
Anyone here a biker? AUDIENCE: Yeah.
Right, so eight. 42 set off.
You want to talk dangerous?
Cigarette, Jeremy? Why not.
I'll do you a bet.
After the show tonight - you can all come and watch -
you get on to your black busa... Hayabusa.
You ride round the track as fast as you can and I'll chain-smoke, we'll see who dies first. 100 quid.
You're on.
A ridiculous bet.
Anyway, that is the end of the news. We must move on.
As we know, caravans are a menace.
We all know that. The reason for this is very simple.
Nobody who tows a caravan has had any training, which means they're a bit frightened,
which means they drive slowly and that means they clog up the British countryside all summer long.
Motorhomes would appear to be a better option but here
we have a problem because there are only really two types.
There is the American RV,
which is extremely cool but far too large, really, for European roads.
Then there is the British alternative, which is much smaller -
it's much easier to drive on our roads - but it really is rather tragic.
Yeah, so with that in mind, our producers came up with a plan.
They said we each had to build our own motorhome which would be
small enough to work in Europe but still cool. The rules were simple.
Whatever we made had to have sleeping accommodation, cooking facilities and a bog.
Then they said once we'd finished them, we had to meet up for a series of challenges.
Our meeting point was Fleet services on the M3.
And Richard was the first to arrive.
And there it is.
I am genuinely, genuinely proud of this.
'But before I had a chance
'to talk you through my Land Rover, Jeremy arrived...'
What?
'..in what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.'
Look at it!
Come on.
It's enormous. It's absolutely superb.
Do you ever watch Grand Designs? Yes.
You do? Kevin McCloud programme? Every single thing they build looks like this.
The indented windows - it's modern, it's crisp.
No, he'd love it.
He'd love to ask which cock stuck that on top of a Citroen.
'To try and bring Richard round, I showed him my interior.'
Wow!
It's three-storey.
Japanese contemplation area here.
Very useful.
Upstairs, two hammocks and full cooking facilities, with a grill.
'With the tour over, Kevin McClarkson turned his attention to my Land Rover.'
This is hideous.
It's stone effect, which is right with the Land Rover thing.
It's hideous.
JEREMY CHORTLES It's perfect, you see.
Please tell me this is not real. Yes, it is.
It is, entirely. If you need it, it's there for you.
You're joking. If you need it, it's there.
'All we had to do then was wait for James.'
I have to say,
Land Rover famed for its reliability.
No, wait - not reliability. No. And Citroen famed for... The same problem.
If James turns up in an Alfa,
we really have completed the set. We'll have the lot.
'But James didn't turn up in an Alfa
'because he'd thought of something even more unreliable.'
Whoa!
It's an old Lotus with a roof box.
I didn't expect that.
Wow!
You haven't got the idea of it at all.
No, no, no. This...
I don't like to be immodest, but this is actually a very good idea.
It's inspired by the work of the pioneer aviators.
It's extremely light, it's brilliant. Hammond?
It's a roof box with a sleeping bag in it. Yeah.
Where's your bog? There.
Oh! Where your head is.
And how do you go on that? The roof goes up. How does it go up?
It's on telescopic...things.
It's not a motorhome. It is. It's a motor car with accommodation on it.
What's this? Why's it got that?
Stability. Rubbish.
Storage.
That's it? That's...
What do you need? A tin opener and a vegetable peeler.
I like that. There's another one on the other side with toiletries.
'James was then keen to inspect Hammond's.'
This is a Land Rover with... ..the curtains on the outside.
I don't understand this. Look.
There will be opportunity, I'm sure, for me to demonstrate how this works.
I've taken inspiration from the American motorhomes that slide out at the sides. Have you? Yeah.
So this gets bigger. How does it get bigger? A lot bigger, you'll see.
'At this point, we were interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.'
Hello. Here we go. This is it.
It says, "You are going on a camping holiday." Yes, that's a win.
Where? He loves camping. Oh, yes.
In Cornwall. Yes!
That's going to be great. It's not. What's great about Cornwall?
Cornwall's lovely. You'll have sand in your food.
You'll be freezing cold if you go anywhere near the sea.
The food will be stuff you recognise, you'll be able to read the road signs.
Why don't we go to France?
Stop being a wimp.
"You ARE going on a camping holiday in Cornwall.
"This is 215 miles from where you are now."
It's going to be great fun. It's a win, win, win.
I'm going camping - my favourite activity - in my favourite weather.
It's my best day ever.
'So, with my heart singing, it was time to show the world
'that a new era in motorhoming had begun.'
We roll.
There we go.
So just to recap, viewers, what I'm doing now
is going for a nice drive down to Cornwall in my Lotus.
There is no impression whatsoever of there being anything on the roof.
That weighs less than me and that's the point.
Lightness. Preserving motoring pleasure for the "campervanist".
'Sadly, when the Land Rover got up to speed,
'I realised there was a bit of a design flaw.'
I modified this particular example
and cut away the bodywork to create this.
I have left a slight gap sort of all round here
and there is quite a draught.
It is quite chilly.
'Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...'
Argh. Ah!
Aargh! Oh!
Oh, my God! No! This is terrifying.
It's a... I cant begin to describe what this feels like.
It's... OK! ..wobbling quite badly.
'I asked James to pull in behind
'and assess the gravity of the situation.
'But he wasn't much help.'
HE CHUCKLES
'And to be honest, nor was Hammond.'
HE CHUCKLES
I've cocked up. I know I've cocked up.
Low bridge!
Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
No, I didn't.
Yes. He hasn't got a clue.
Aaargh!
'As Jeremy screamed his way onto the A303...
'all was well in the Lotus.'
I know people have a bit of a downer on Lotus and believe they're hideously unreliable
but really, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this car
apart from a little bit of electrical infidelity and the clock.
I mean, it works but only the minute hand works.
I know it's quarter to, I just don't know what it's quarter to to.
OK. I'm going to operate the heater controls.
Land Rover heaters are not their best feature, if I'm honest.
That's on full.
I can't feel it at all.
'In the leaning tower of Citroen, I was starting to relax a bit.'
She was VERY pretty.
She just liked it. She wouldn't like to go in Hammond's, cos that's stupid.
HE SHRIEKS
Aaaaargh!
Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had
on a road journey in my whole life. It's absolutely hilarious.
'It wasn't hilarious, though.
'And since Hammond's Cottage was now suffering from subsidence,
'we pulled in for some bodging.'
Hammond...
Yeah? We've done 20 miles. I know.
We'll have to stop nine times to rebuild your shed before we get anywhere.
'In a matter of moments, I'd mended the Citroen's attachment.'
The problem was, the air was hitting this massive slab here,
forcing the whole car back and lifting the front wheels off the ground,
so I've taken out this window.
The air will now go in there
and then I've removed the rear door, so it can come out here.
20,
30.
Oh, yeah. That's just massively improved it.
Aargh!
Whoo!
No, it's made no difference.
Make it stop!
Right, we've done about 30 miles.
180-something to go.
'Amazingly, the convoy did keep going
'until eventually, we pulled in for a fuel stop.'
OK. Now this is a bit of a faff.
HE GRUNTS
Hammond? Yes?
I may have made a mistake. Where?
Well, I added this escape chute
so that I can go from my aeroplane fuselage into the back seat of the car,
which is here. It's very good...
But I've covered up the filler flap.
Oh, my God! Jeremy, no, no, no! No.
What? Seriously, you're going to hit it. Yeah, that's quite close.
Yeah, but, unlike your two cars...
Ready?
Ha-ha! Oh, yes.
Yes!
'Soon, refuelling was under way.'
Here we go.
JEREMY CHUCKLES Go away.
That's an all-new... I've never seen a lockable fuel filler cap where you need to saw it.
It's very secure.
'Refuelling over, we headed on our way.
'And several perilous miles later...'
Aaargh!
'..we finally reached Cornwall.'
That's where we're going.
Ooh! I've got all the excitement you get as a kid on a family holiday,
winding round little roads.
The odd glimpse of the sea.
Been on the go now pretty much seven hours.
Could have flown to New York in that time. But no.
Here, drizzle, cold, frightened,
and all I have to look forward to is camping with a...
A lunatic and a retard.
'But then...'
Oh, no!
Got a warning light.
Guys, I've got a warning light on the dashboard. Says, "Stop."
'As you'd expect, the happy campers chose to ignore my distress signal.'
Oh, yeah. That looks a suitable holiday destination.
I think so.
Holy moly!
What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet?
It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.
'At the campsite,
'I settled down to watch Hammond's creation take shape.'
Yep. Oh, yep.
RICHARD GRUNTS
Ow!
I'm brave.
Do you want some help?
No. Don't need it, mate. A one-man job, this.
'Having got the block of flats going again, Jeremy eventually joined us.'
This is gripping.
What are you doing? Finishing touches.
'In Hammond's head, his build was coming along nicely.
'But it wasn't.
And an hour later, Jeremy and I were bored.'
Is there a pub?
'There was, so we went to it,
'leaving Hammond to carry on building.'
I see this as a sort of club room.
Darts...hanging out with your mates.
Oh, yes.
There it is.
Shall we order Hammond something?
I'm thinking of the beer-battered fish, pea puree, tartare sauce.
"I don't like beer, I don't like batter, I don't like fish..."
He doesn't eat fish. I know, he doesn't eat fish.
He might eat a free-range egg.
'Back at base, the wind was getting up.'
That bit's slightly too short.
'When we got back from the pub, Hammond was still going.'
Is this his motorhome?
I don't believe it. That is outrageous.
Come in, dude, come in.
This is the bed.
Yeah, that can happen. Sorry, sorry.
I'll give you a quick squiz round if you like. This is the library here.
Thank you. So you've got a library.
This is the dining room. It goes on.
Look at that!
Bloody Nora. In here, this.. BLEEP Mind that.
What's in here?
That's a child's bedroom.
What's this? This is lovely.
He's got an ancestral portrait.
Yes, Great Uncle... Great Uncle Tall there.
Just a minute - this is Great Uncle Yourself.
'With the very lengthy tour over, it was time to get some sleep.'
WIND HOWLS
These are my night clothes that I like to wear.
There we go.
Oh! THUD
'Still, could be worse.'
CLATTERING AND HOWLING OF WIND
Oh, God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Now...
We'll pick that up later on,
but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight is actually a caravan enthusiast.
But unlike any other caravan enthusiast,
he also starred in The Godfather.
And Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen
and once, he had his head cut off.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you?
Major Hollywood.
Thank you very much. I love England. Well, that's... You see,
you've won their hearts already.
I'm always fascinated, when we do occasionally have big Hollywood stars come on the show...
Please, please. What it feels like, cos I presume
when you go on American chat shows it's all red carpets and men with mascara and shiny teeth.
Like you. No.
And you come down here and it's a kind of a windswept airfield
and there's a man with a white helmet on who won't speak to you.
Then we put you into a car with a steering wheel on what you perceive to be the wrong side
and make you drive round a track. Was it fun? You enjoy that?
I enjoyed it very much. I drive stick but obviously, with a different hand.
I do a lot of things with both hands, so I'm pretty used to it.
LAUGHTER
She's gone bright red, look.
So has he.
We've actually got a clip which I really want to start off with,
of one of your first attempts in practice laps, which nearly resulted in the death of the Stig.
Would anybody here like to see that?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's just have a look at this before we get cracking.
Here we come, up to Gambon Corner.
A little wide... Really very wide indeed.
And there is...
I never liked him from the start. You didn't like him.
He is actually deeply...
It's very rude if someone talks to you and never shows you his face.
Now, obviously...
the first thing I notice is you arrived with...a face hair.
That's what I'm going to say.
It actually peels off.
Does it really? No, it doesn't.
Is this for a movie, I presume? Why else would you wear a thing like this?
We're sorting out the issue of motorhomes tonight, what you'd call RVs.
Right. I understand you are a caravan enthusiast.
Er...
I have an airstream trailer.
This is the chrome... The chrome, silver bullet-looking thing.
In this case it's a large one - it's 34 feet, which is fantastic.
The thing about an airstream is it looks very good, but you still have to crap in a bucket.
Yeah, like that piece of BLEEP you provided for me over here.
There's hot water in there somewhere. No, there isn't.
You are actually - joking aside - you are a family man.
You run a very close family, I would say.
I've got four kids - three girls first and a little boy. Started all over again.
And your daughter Dominik... Yes. She's in your new film, I gather.
She's in City Island, which opens on Friday the 23rd.
You're allowed to do that. And what's it about? It's a farce?
It's a human comedy about this dysfunctional Italian-American family,
all the secrets they harbour from each other. It's a wonderful story and we're very proud of the film.
We've got a clip of it, which I'd like to show. Let's have a look.
I was thinking that, being a Saturday night and all and Vivien's here,
why don't we have a big home-cooked dinner tonight?
Big - nice and big.
Yeah, sure.
Like I do every Saturday night.
Yeah, but like something special.
Like for a real special occasion, something special.
Something nice.
You want balloons or something?
No, I don't want balloons. I'm just saying - something nice. When don't I make it nice?
Make something nicer. Make it yourself!
OK, Vivien. I've got to ask you.
Are your breasts continuing to grow?
What? Vince. What?
Does have a point there, sweetie.
You do seem to be getting a little large in that area. Oh, nice, Dad.
APPLAUSE
That's your daughter.
This is a girl who, in real life,
you never let her have keys to your house. Is that right?
She reminded me of that recently.
I never gave her keys to the house because I always wanted her to...
You know, when she knocked, I'd come downstairs and open the door and...
That's a good idea. I'm going to confiscate my daughter's keys immediately.
Except she always comes in at three, which is really awkward.
Obviously, you have been in very many big films over the years.
We've mentioned some - The Untouchables, Black Rain.
I think not a lot of people realise this. Because of The Godfather,
they assume you must be Italian, but you were born in Cuba.
I was born in Cuba and I left 2Â½ years after the revolution. I was 5Â½ years old.
How did you get out? How did it work? We were some of the last...
They call freedom flights before they shut the country completely down,
and you had to leave at that point in an inner tube, or, interestingly enough,
there have been cases where they've turned old cars into actual floating amphibious...
And they've taken off. I don't know where they got the idea for that from. I can't imagine.
I know you guys explored that, but it's true.
They've found big Buicks or flatbed trucks floating across the Florida Straits with a...
The ingenuity, though, in Cuba, to keep those big old American cars going, is just...
They make brake fluid out of shampoo and alcohol.
Yeah, and brake pads out of asbestos. I saw a documentary - a car documentary -
and there was a gentleman mixing asbestos with his hands
and mixing it to create the pad for the brakes,
and they said, "You know this can kill you?"
And he said, "Yes, I know.
"But how do I provide for my family if I don't do this?"
What a life. Imagine what life would have been like if your parents hadn't got you out.
I was very lucky.
Are you familiar with the story of the Cuban Grand Prix in '59?
Yes, it was a kidnapping of Juan Manuel Fangio,
the famous Argentinian race car driver, and he was kidnapped by the Cuban revolutionaries.
They released him after the Grand Prix,
and they said, "Why'd they kidnap you?" He said, "For publicity."
"Did they treat you badly?" He goes, "No, they were perfect gentlemen." It was one of those amazing stories.
Juan used to put... Before a race, you've got to turn and analyse the turn,
he'd put like a big silver dollar,
a Cuban big peso or something and then bet people
that in that turn he was going to run it over.
He was a great proponent of the four-wheel drift.
So to hit a silver dollar while doing a four-wheel drift...
So do you drive some big old American Chevy then,
that you keep going with shampoo and things in the States?
No, I have a little Porsche that I drive, a 4S, 2006 or something.
So no Prius? No Prius. Good man.
You're very welcome here.
APPLAUSE
I'm all for clean diesel and hybrids and all that, but not a Prius.
Just not a Prius.
Did you not once have a Peugeot? It was a diesel wagon, 504 diesel wagon.
It was a beautiful car. Couldn't make its way over the hill in Hollywood,
but it rode beautifully on the highway in fifth gear.
It would quiet down, and you'd put like 20 dollars of diesel in it
and it'd last for like 14 months.
It had beautiful lines. That car had beautiful lines.
I miss the car. If anybody's watching the show that bought my car, please, I want to buy it back.
Yeah, OK. 504 diesel. Anyone got one?
No, didn't think so.
Anyway, competition-wise, have you ever done any track driving?
No. Never?
Never. And you've never driven a car with the gear lever on...
So this was all an entirely new thing for you out there.
Who would like to see Andy's lap?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's have a look then. Come on, let's put it up.
There we go, in the brown C-apostrophe-D.
Are you pleased with that? A good start.
Yeah, you were.
You actually look quite sinister. Tell me about it.
Let's have a look through the first corner.
That's taming its understeer nicely. That's very good.
Running a bit wide. Everybody does, though. Forget to break.
Not a good idea. Into Chicago.
Again, it does run wide, that car. Very safe, very brown.
Slow. Hammerhead, a very tricky corner here,
though it's a quick left.
Quick right. That's very well done, though.
That was excellent. Thank you, sir.
A bit slow on the gear change.
This is my lap, baby.
Sounds... I didn't know that Groucho Marx knew how to drive.
It is... It is slightly Marx-esque.
That was very quick.
Now you've got the tricky part.
This is where most of our celebrities go off, but that was nicely handled.
Do you get Gambon right this time?
Beautifully cut, taking the actual Gambon line, and there we are.
APPLAUSE
Well done.
Where do you think you've come on our relatively new board?
You don't know any of these names, do you? I know Angelina Jolie.
She didn't look quite like I thought.
She was kind of fat and a bit bald.
Might have been a comedian pretending to be Angelina. I see.
Louie Spence, you don't know him, presumably. No, but I certainly would like to be ahead of him.
No, you don't want to be in front of him. Oh, I see.
So, Andy...
Garcia.
You did it in one minute...
46.1,
which means, I think,
that you are... APPLAUSE
..the third fastest driver we've ever had.
That's not bad.
I think, for a man who's never driven on the correct side of a car before,
that's very, very impressive.
And it's just been a huge pleasure and an honour to have you here.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now...
Earlier on, we were told to invent motorhomes
that were cool and would prove so successful
they would rid this country of the caravan menace forever.
The results so far have been, well, mixed, but no matter.
We rejoin the action after spending the night trying to sleep through
what felt like a force-nine gale.
'The next morning, mercifully, the wind had died down.
'But it had taken its toll.
Oh, dear.
Oh, look. It's done the same in the games room?
Yeah, brought the roof down onto the pool table. And the living room and the cinema.
I promise you, Hammond, it was worse for me. How can it be worse for you?
The roof fell in on my library.
I promise you it was worse for me. What's worse than that?
Oh, yeah. That's worse.
Morning. Oh, God.
Is that just the wind did that?
Oh, yeah. No, a big giant came.
'After a revolting breakfast in Hammond's citadel,
'Jeremy pulled out all the stops to get his Citroen righted.'
So we've had cold beans. Yep. I'm sorry I didn't eat your raw bacon.
At least I remembered them.
That is my Japanese garden. Look at it. Just leaking.
Still, it's the right way up.
Oh, hello. Oh, God.
Thank you.
"Since you are in Cornwall, you must try surfing."
I don't want to do surfing. What if we just don't want to do it?
What if we just say, "No, we're not going to"?
Apparently we ARE going to.
There's more.
"You must drive to a nearby beach and get changed into wetsuits
"inside your motorhomes."
HE CHUCKLES
Sorry, I'm suddenly feeling cheered up.
Have you ever tried to put... What, wetsuits or...? Well, suits.
Have you ever tried to put them on?
You need... You see this field?
You need an area this big, which you have, but it's here,
so you've got to parcel all that up to drive to the...
And you!
'But Clarkson was laughing too soon,
'because I had planned for such an eventuality.'
Simply retract the roof. Easy.
It's like a spaceship, you see.
You end up with this escape pod that can just break free.
'Meanwhile, James and I had arrived at the beach.'
Look at this. Surftown UK.
They're going to look at my hat and they're going to say,
"Yes, yes, that man knows what he's doing."
'And with no sign of Hammond, we decided to have a surfing lesson.'
Hang on. So it's a...
Yeah, yeah, you've got it.
Is that roughly right? It wasn't, though, was it? Not really, no.
'Eventually, Hammond's escape pod was free...
'..and he was able to join us
'for the "getting into a wetsuit in a motorhome" test.'
Yes! I'll get changed in my contemplation zone.
Lovely job.
'Unsurprisingly, it was much harder in the Lotus.'
Ow! Ow!
'But surprisingly, even harder in Hammond's land cottage.'
I, er, have had to leave some of the panels at the campsite.
Well, all of them, pretty much.
And that, er...
That has sort of compromised privacy, rather.
They're not going to go, are they?
If I maybe...
No. Er...
I've had a very clever idea, I think.
I do of course have my escape chute, which leads directly into the back seat of the car.
It's a way of moving between the car and the bedding area
without having to go outside if it's raining, for example.
So when I've got the bottom half on, I'm going to exit
and enter the car and then slip into the top bit down there where I can sit up.
'Hammond, meanwhile, had abandoned the Land Rover and stolen a child's tent.'
OK.
I'm not sure that the escape chute actually works. Hang on a minute.
I've got my shoulders stuck.
'But just several hours later, my colleagues were ready.'
It's cold.
It's really cold.
It's not going to get any warmer.
Well, give it a couple of months, it might.
Come on. All right, what do we do?
'Without wishing to boast...'
This is quite nice.
'..I mastered surfing very quickly.'
Lovely.
That's the easiest thing I've ever done.
'But for some reason, the other two kept trying to stand up.'
Toes on tail, hands on the rail...
I am surfing!
'They were so engrossed in this idiocy
'they failed to spot an incoming problem.'
James, we've got to get out.
No! I almost got up. We've nearly got it.
What? The cars.
Oh, BLEEP, he's right.
'James and Richard rushed to their cars and legged it,
'whereas I decided to get changed where I was.'
Ah! Jesus!
'Which went well.'
Agh!
No!
Yes! Come on, Hasselhoff.
That wasn't tense.
'Our next challenge was to cook a three-course meal in our motorhomes
'using whatever ingredients we could find at a nearby petrol station.'
Sit rep. Don't like driving my Citroen,
don't like sleeping in my Citroen,
almost certainly won't like cooking in it, either.
'Plus, getting to the petrol station meant taking some back roads.'
Whoa!
What the hell's that?
Well, it was a tree, but now... A tree?
That was a big one, Jeremy. Oh, no!
'Having pruned most of Cornwall,
'we finally arrived.'
Oh, my God. No, no, no.
BANG!
Now I have crashed into a petrol station.
Have you not been able to get changed? Of course I haven't.
You know how difficult it is to get out of one of these.
I had to get out of it in a coffin.
'In the shop, James said he'd do the starter,
'Richard the pudding and me the main course.
'But this was the sticks.'
So, do you have any steak?
Nope.
Pork? Nope.
Er, lamb? Nope.
Bacon?
No, I'm afraid, sorry.
The washers aren't part of the meal.
I've just got those because I like them.
Do you have any butter?
Mmm...
No.
Lard? Struggling.
Margarine.
'Despite the lack of choice, we soon had enough for our dinner.
'So, back at the campsite, we parked up...
'..and got cooking.'
Right, what I'm going to cook tonight is Spam slices,
coated with a crushed, cheesy, popular snack item.
So first, using the fork, we crush up the cheesy comestibles.
Here is what I propose for dessert.
I'm going to make Eton mess crossed with trifle.
Couldn't find any sponge fingers,
but then I had an absolutely brilliant idea. I'm going to use bread.
Lining the bowl with the sponge fingers.
Now we put our ice cream and yogurt in, like that.
Right, the water is boiling so it's time to start preparing the vegetables.
Here they are.
So, thin slices.
About an eighth of an inch, or about 2.5 mm in Roman Catholic.
But flavour the flowers with just a couple of pickled onions.
Chocolate, not a problem. Any amount of that can go in.
Ow! Ow!
I need a handle for that.
Now...
The oil. This does worry me, I must admit, using Castrol GTX.
But I don't think I have any choice.
In the meantime, whilst that just heats up,
we have to consider our "garni", which is an orange jus...
..taken out of the inside of one of these chocolate confections,
which is named after a type of orange where it isn't a brand name,
but becomes a brand name when applied to one of these, unfortunately.
So I can't tell you what they are, but you know they're Jaffa Cakes.
Now I'm monitoring everything at this point very carefully,
cos the last time I tried to cook on a campsite, the caravan caught fire.
You may remember. And the one next to it. So I can't be...
Holy cow. What's that?
Er... Er...
Get an extinguisher, man! I haven't got one! Who's got an extinguisher? I've got one there.
Why's there a safety thing on it?
Who's put a health and safety thing on it?
I've used it all now.
James, are you not going to get out?
I can't. It takes half an hour.
'Hammond then found another extinguisher
'but unfortunately, there was a height issue.'
That's not working.
Left a bit. Right. No, the other way, the other way!
The other way!
This is all working terribly well. I think mine is going to be ready quite soon,
but we won't have anywhere to eat it because I believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room,
which has just burned down.
Ooh, not good.
He's actually set fire to metal.
How has he done that?
'We decided to abandon the cooking
'and cracked open a liquid supper instead.'
That's the first time we've seen the sun, gentlemen, since we...
Well, that makes it worthwhile, doesn't it? That's not bad. Listen.
All you can hear is just the creaking of the embers
in his burning motorhome. Yeah, just my fire.
SHEEP BAA
Just get out! And you! Out! Out!
Oh, God, look at it.
'And on that note...'
'After James had failed to wipe his bottom with any dignity,
'we decided to go to a nearby beauty spot.'
James May. Jeremy Clarkson.
What's it like, driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment?
Aaaaargh!
'As we drove along, we began to realise
'that our motorhoming holiday hadn't been a great success.'
I'm exhausted.
I'm also pretty cold now.
I don't think I'm going to make it.
Just leave me behind, I'll only slow you up.
I don't know why I said that. They will.
Covered in egg and crisps and Spam juice.
I haven't shaved, I haven't had a proper wash for three days.
The thing about this exercise is that it helps you to appreciate
the basic amenities of home life.
You know, a tap, a chair.
'What's more, the speed of Jeremy's motorhome
'meant that everyone else's holiday was ruined, too.'
That's a big queue. I'm embarrassed.
That's a really long queue. I don't think we've sped up caravanning, have we?
'Eventually, we made it to the beauty spot.'
Oh, yeah. Now THAT is a view. This is more like it, yeah.
I think it's fabulous. Yeah, this is all right.
Right now I'm quite enjoying motor caravanning. Yeah, I'm enjoying it.
It's the first time since we set off that motorhoming is making sense.
Guys. What?
There's a pub down there.
Yes, very nice. I'm going to the pub. I'm going for an ice cream. Will you bring one back?
I've been thinking about ice cream for three days. I'll bring you back an ice cream
and then everyone will go, "They really do get on, those three."
Yeah, OK.
'While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.'
See where it drops away at the edge of the cliff?
If we pushed his car there and just park it on the edge,
he won't be able to go forwards, obviously.
No, I know what you're thinking. Never back it up. That's brilliant.
Go on, stick it down there. He'll see it from the bottom and he'll see the tower on the edge.
He's taken the...
Well, push it, push it, push it.
That's good.
Mmm. That's very good.
Handbrake's off.
Just get it right to the edge. Yeah, yeah.
I reckon if we...
Hang on. Oh, BLEEP.
In weather like this, among scenery like that,
holidaying in England -
even in a motorhome - does make sense.
CRASHING
Is that all right?
What?
What's that?
APPLAUSE
You ruined it.
You ruined my Citroen grand design and you ruined it on purpose.
It was his idea.
It wasn't! We saw in the film, you did it.
You pushed it off the cliff cos you knew it was best and you're a sore loser.
Jeremy, it wasn't the best, mate.
It had a top speed of two and it fell over.
You couldn't even wipe your bottom in yours.
Yeah, exactly. You could wipe thousands of bottoms in mine, which is why it was the best.
Wiping your bottom is not the only criterion for judging a successful motorhome.
Whatever. Point is mine was brilliant, and you know it.
It wasn't. It wasn't, actually. Exactly.
In fact, we really haven't reinvented the motorhome at all, have we? No, I'm afraid we haven't.
And once again, and as usual, we've completely wasted your evening. Sorry. Yes.
And as a result of our wretched failure,
Britain will continue to be strangled by the glass-fibre menace of the caravan
until we all suffocate and die pointless and agonising deaths.
Nice to have a plan - that's the main thing.
On that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you for watching. Goodnight.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 