1 00:00:12,923 --> 00:00:16,603 Tonight, I wear a hat... 2 00:00:16,603 --> 00:00:19,683 Richard wears a hat... 3 00:00:19,683 --> 00:00:22,603 and James wears a hat. 4 00:00:28,363 --> 00:00:30,403 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 5 00:00:30,403 --> 00:00:34,283 Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome. 6 00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:36,963 Welcome. Thank you so much. 7 00:00:36,963 --> 00:00:38,083 Now... 8 00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:43,203 Now, we start tonight with a letter. 9 00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:48,123 It's from a chap called Alan Massive Liar and it says, 10 00:00:48,123 --> 00:00:50,603 "Dear Jez, Dick and Jim, 11 00:00:50,603 --> 00:00:52,803 "I want a convertible supercar, 12 00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:57,683 "but I only have £113,500 to spend. 13 00:00:57,763 --> 00:00:59,163 "Can you help?" 14 00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:01,283 This is very timely, actually, 15 00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:05,323 because as it happens, no, we can't. 16 00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:13,643 This is the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder, 17 00:01:13,643 --> 00:01:18,683 which in this spec, costs £113,500. 18 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:25,723 And this is the new Porsche 911 Turbo convertible, 19 00:01:25,723 --> 00:01:31,523 which, to all intents and purposes, costs £113,500. 20 00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:36,323 If it's speed you're after, the Audi looks like the better bet 21 00:01:36,323 --> 00:01:40,283 because it is much, much more powerful. 22 00:01:40,283 --> 00:01:43,443 But because the Porsche is so much lighter, 23 00:01:43,443 --> 00:01:48,683 they both produce exactly 306 brake horsepower per tonne. 24 00:01:48,683 --> 00:01:52,963 If they were supermarkets, you'd do them for price fixing. 25 00:01:54,203 --> 00:01:55,763 There's more, too. 26 00:01:55,763 --> 00:01:59,323 They're both German, they're both four-wheel drive, 27 00:01:59,323 --> 00:02:03,803 and they both have hoods made from cloth rather than metal. 28 00:02:03,803 --> 00:02:07,843 So let's see if they can be split in a drag race. 29 00:02:09,043 --> 00:02:11,003 Right, some numbers. 30 00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:17,603 I have a Lamborghini 5.2 litre V10, and I'm up against 31 00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,043 Porsche's brand-new 3.8 litre, 32 00:02:20,043 --> 00:02:24,683 twin turbocharged, direct-injected flat six. 33 00:02:25,683 --> 00:02:27,883 This should be interesting. 34 00:02:27,883 --> 00:02:30,163 Three, two, one! 35 00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:31,203 Go! 36 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:36,203 And indeed, it is interesting. 37 00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:40,403 Ironman's heavy weight iron car 38 00:02:40,403 --> 00:02:45,723 is losing to the lightweight one with the iron lung. 39 00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:52,763 But now let's see what happens if we swap drivers and do the race again. 40 00:02:52,763 --> 00:02:54,763 Go! 41 00:02:57,203 --> 00:02:59,163 Oh no! 42 00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:02,763 'Embarrassingly, this time round, the Audi was victorious.' 43 00:03:06,043 --> 00:03:08,283 The reason that happened is simple. 44 00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:13,603 Four-wheel-drive cars like these are notoriously difficult to get off the line quickly. 45 00:03:13,603 --> 00:03:15,643 If you do it well, you're going to win. 46 00:03:15,643 --> 00:03:17,883 If you do it badly, you're going to lose. 47 00:03:17,883 --> 00:03:21,283 So really, in short race like that, it's all down to the driver. 48 00:03:21,283 --> 00:03:25,483 The cars, predictably, almost exactly the same. 49 00:03:28,923 --> 00:03:32,563 They both do 0-60 in around four seconds. 50 00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:39,883 And flat out, they can both crack 190 miles an hour. 51 00:03:41,323 --> 00:03:44,723 So in a straight line, there's nothing to choose between them. 52 00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:46,483 But what about in the corners? 53 00:03:52,643 --> 00:03:57,843 Well, it's the same story here because they both have the same problem. 54 00:04:01,403 --> 00:04:04,283 You see, a normal car like this is strong, 55 00:04:04,283 --> 00:04:06,883 because the two ends are connected together 56 00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:10,363 by a roof and a floor - two pieces of metal. 57 00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:12,523 If you take the roof away, 58 00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:15,043 you end up with a big heavy engine here, 59 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:19,963 connected to the steering and suspension gubbins there by just the floor. 60 00:04:19,963 --> 00:04:23,883 It's like having two bricks joined together by a playing card - 61 00:04:23,883 --> 00:04:25,603 it's going to be all wobbly. 62 00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:31,963 To get round the problem, 63 00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:36,003 Audi has fitted the Spyder with lots of strengthening beams. 64 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:44,043 Now that sounds fine, but it's added 100 kilograms to the weight. 65 00:04:45,363 --> 00:04:49,043 Porsche meanwhile offers the turbo with active engine mounts, 66 00:04:49,043 --> 00:04:51,763 which make the engine part of the car's backbone. 67 00:04:51,763 --> 00:04:55,043 It sounds intriguing, but has it worked? 68 00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:56,923 In a word, yes. 69 00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:07,123 This is a million times better than the old 911 turbo convertible. 70 00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:11,883 Mind you, that isn't saying much, 71 00:05:11,883 --> 00:05:15,163 because other things that are a million times nicer than the old car 72 00:05:15,163 --> 00:05:17,843 include tuberculosis. 73 00:05:19,043 --> 00:05:21,843 And being on fire. Stuff like that. 74 00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:27,523 However, even though it is a big improvement, 75 00:05:27,523 --> 00:05:31,923 it is heavier than the coupe and despite everything... 76 00:05:33,363 --> 00:05:35,363 ..it's still not as rigid. 77 00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:39,723 And just knowing that, it sort of spoils everything. 78 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,003 So what about the Audi? 79 00:05:48,203 --> 00:05:51,243 The hard-top R8 V10 was one of 80 00:05:51,243 --> 00:05:54,243 the best cars I drove last year. 81 00:05:55,483 --> 00:05:59,403 And actually, in one important respect, this is even better. 82 00:05:59,403 --> 00:06:00,443 That noise. 83 00:06:02,283 --> 00:06:06,043 With no roof, you can hear it even more clearly. 84 00:06:13,803 --> 00:06:17,643 The only sound I can think of which is better than that 85 00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:22,163 is the sound of Peter Mandelson being attacked by bears. 86 00:06:24,963 --> 00:06:26,803 With that noise going on, 87 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:31,323 it's very hard to detect the shimmying and you really don't notice the extra weight. 88 00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:39,683 Really, it's like driving a car that has chlamydia - 89 00:06:39,683 --> 00:06:43,043 there are no symptoms but you know it's there 90 00:06:43,043 --> 00:06:47,003 and that sort of... spoils the relationship a bit. 91 00:06:50,163 --> 00:06:52,003 On the track then, both are good, 92 00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:55,283 but you get the sense that neither is as good as it could be. 93 00:06:55,283 --> 00:07:00,683 So what about practical stuff, such as what big speed convertibles like these 94 00:07:00,683 --> 00:07:02,923 can do if you have big hair? 95 00:07:05,003 --> 00:07:08,643 Now, ideally to demonstrate this, we need James May 96 00:07:08,643 --> 00:07:10,123 but sadly he's busy today, 97 00:07:10,123 --> 00:07:13,443 building a nuclear submarine out of Lego probably. 98 00:07:13,443 --> 00:07:17,603 So instead we've got someone who looks just like him... 99 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:21,123 except for in every single detail. 100 00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:24,083 This is Lauren. 101 00:07:24,083 --> 00:07:26,203 She's spent all morning having her hair done, 102 00:07:26,203 --> 00:07:30,043 and now we're going to see how it's affected by driving the Audi. 103 00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:34,043 Was it, er, an expensive haircut? Yeah. 104 00:07:38,443 --> 00:07:43,523 This is probably how you imagine things will be if you have a convertible supercar. 105 00:07:43,523 --> 00:07:47,203 The smell of the scenery, Groove Armada in the stereo, 106 00:07:47,203 --> 00:07:49,963 and a James May body double by your side. 107 00:07:51,683 --> 00:07:55,803 But the whole point of this car is speed and that changes everything. 108 00:07:57,843 --> 00:08:01,083 SHE SCREAMS 109 00:08:02,083 --> 00:08:04,043 140. 110 00:08:12,523 --> 00:08:14,523 In just two minutes, 111 00:08:14,523 --> 00:08:19,483 I've turned Lauren into a pop star from the 1980s. 112 00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:23,563 The Audi, then - not a good hairstylist. 113 00:08:25,363 --> 00:08:30,243 Sadly, our attempts to see if the Porsche was any better ended prematurely. 114 00:08:31,363 --> 00:08:35,603 My eye! Let me... No listen, a bee went in it. 115 00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:38,523 No, the thing in my nose has a face! 116 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:41,603 So there we are. 117 00:08:41,603 --> 00:08:45,323 Set off for a weekend away with your wife in either of these cars 118 00:08:45,323 --> 00:08:49,363 and you'll arrive blind and with Bonnie Tyler in the passenger seat. 119 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:53,043 Naming a winner, then, between these two cars 120 00:08:53,043 --> 00:08:55,523 is not that easy because, frankly, 121 00:08:55,523 --> 00:08:57,243 they both lose. 122 00:08:57,243 --> 00:08:59,243 # Nothing I can say 123 00:08:59,243 --> 00:09:03,283 # A total eclipse of the heart. # 124 00:09:07,763 --> 00:09:11,163 Bonnie Tyler? I don't get it. 125 00:09:11,163 --> 00:09:14,523 So... I don't understand. 126 00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:17,123 So what you're saying is they both lose. 127 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:20,923 They both lose, yes, because the R8, the hardtop and the 911 hardtop, 128 00:09:20,923 --> 00:09:22,803 they're like poached halibut. 129 00:09:22,803 --> 00:09:25,443 Halibut? Halibut. 130 00:09:25,443 --> 00:09:29,483 Now, if you put HP sauce on delicious poached halibut, you're going to ruin it. 131 00:09:29,483 --> 00:09:32,483 If you put HP sauce on a bacon sandwich, 132 00:09:32,483 --> 00:09:34,163 you're going to make it better. 133 00:09:34,163 --> 00:09:37,483 You are quite odd. You know that, don't you? It does make sense. 134 00:09:37,483 --> 00:09:40,643 Yeah, I think I know sort of what you're getting at. 135 00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:45,203 If you take the roof off an ordinary car like a Peugeot or a BMW 1 Series or something, 136 00:09:45,203 --> 00:09:49,443 no harm done and if anything, you make it a bit better cos it's a bit of drama. Quite. 137 00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:54,163 But with serious performance cars... Halibut. Whatever. Yeah. ..it's a different story. 138 00:09:54,203 --> 00:09:59,083 There are good reasons why there's never been a Eurofighter Typhoon Cabriolet. 139 00:09:59,083 --> 00:10:02,363 Precisely. And having cleared that up, 140 00:10:02,363 --> 00:10:05,203 we must now find how fast these cars go round our track 141 00:10:05,203 --> 00:10:08,683 and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver. 142 00:10:08,683 --> 00:10:13,083 Some say that he's spent all week daydreaming 143 00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:17,123 about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. 144 00:10:17,123 --> 00:10:19,483 LAUGHTER 145 00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:23,683 And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, 146 00:10:23,683 --> 00:10:26,843 because he's paid in strong pornography. 147 00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:28,203 LAUGHTER 148 00:10:28,203 --> 00:10:31,283 All we know is, he's called the Stig. 149 00:10:32,363 --> 00:10:33,443 And they're off, 150 00:10:33,443 --> 00:10:37,563 Stig fuelled by his fanatical hatred of Rubens Barrichello. 151 00:10:37,563 --> 00:10:41,243 Powering down towards the first corner, here they are 152 00:10:41,243 --> 00:10:44,323 and the Audi looks like it's getting a bit out of shape already. 153 00:10:44,323 --> 00:10:45,923 Yes, it is. 154 00:10:45,923 --> 00:10:48,443 # Night fever, night fever... # 155 00:10:48,443 --> 00:10:49,563 Oh dear. 156 00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:52,523 Stig seems to have developed an obsession with the Bee Gees. 157 00:10:52,523 --> 00:10:55,843 Perhaps it's cos they share a love of the white suit. 158 00:10:55,843 --> 00:10:59,003 Around Chicago, both dipping a wheel off the track. 159 00:10:59,003 --> 00:11:01,323 Now hammerhead, Stig stamping on the brakes, 160 00:11:01,323 --> 00:11:03,723 imagining it's the head of a Williams driver. 161 00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:06,123 Not Nico Hulkenberg, obviously. 162 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:09,163 911s can understeer, but no sign of it there at all. 163 00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:10,723 The Audi's in good shape, too. 164 00:11:10,723 --> 00:11:13,683 # Sweet city woman, she moves... # 165 00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:17,323 I should say the Stig also dislikes convertible supercars 166 00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:21,363 because he always tries to keep his helmet out of the flies. 167 00:11:21,363 --> 00:11:24,043 I've just realised that if these two go faster 168 00:11:24,043 --> 00:11:28,723 than their hardtop equivalents, I'm going to look like a massive idiot. 169 00:11:28,723 --> 00:11:31,323 They've just got Gambon to do now. 170 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:34,283 Both round and there we are, across the line. 171 00:11:34,323 --> 00:11:36,483 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 172 00:11:36,483 --> 00:11:38,523 Come on, then. So... 173 00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:41,003 No pressure. Here we go. Hang on. No pressure. 174 00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:44,043 The Porsche 911 Turbo convertible 175 00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:50,523 did it in 1:22.2 seconds, which is there. 176 00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:54,003 Where's the hardtop? We never tested the hard top. Which is lucky for you. 177 00:11:54,003 --> 00:11:57,203 We have done an Audi R8, though - it's here. 178 00:11:57,203 --> 00:12:01,643 If this is faster than that you are going to look, by your own admission, a massive idiot. 179 00:12:01,643 --> 00:12:02,883 Yes I am. Go on, then. 180 00:12:02,883 --> 00:12:05,523 1:21.6, the convertible. 181 00:12:05,523 --> 00:12:08,403 1:22.3! 182 00:12:08,403 --> 00:12:10,803 Oh-ho-ho! Look at that! 183 00:12:10,803 --> 00:12:13,843 You got away with that by the skin of your teeth. 184 00:12:13,843 --> 00:12:16,563 Look how similar they are. 185 00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:19,523 Now... 186 00:12:19,523 --> 00:12:24,443 Before we do the news, I'd just like to conduct a quick loyalty test. 187 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:28,723 As you know, last week there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us, 188 00:12:28,723 --> 00:12:32,963 so I just wondered... Who watched Top Gear last week? 189 00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:36,403 Hands up. I did. I did. It was great. Jeremy, you? 190 00:12:36,403 --> 00:12:38,083 I couldn't watch it. 191 00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:42,803 I'll be honest, I found the bit with the wedding pretty cringeworthy. 192 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:47,603 No, I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg. Watching the final? 193 00:12:47,603 --> 00:12:52,323 Oh great! So the one week when we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty 194 00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:57,803 and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart? Yes, I did. 195 00:12:57,803 --> 00:13:00,403 But I have brought one of these back. 196 00:13:00,403 --> 00:13:02,043 Oh, God! 197 00:13:02,043 --> 00:13:05,763 Great. Two long, noisy things. 198 00:13:05,763 --> 00:13:07,283 One long, noisy thing. 199 00:13:07,283 --> 00:13:10,083 They don't work. They don't. Look. 200 00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:12,243 VUVUZELA FAILS TO BUZZ 201 00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:15,323 What was all the fuss about, then? 202 00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:19,363 They were terrifyingly loud. 203 00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:23,963 I might have drunk some tequila through it, I admit, after the match but it doesn't work. 204 00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:27,323 You try. You won't... You've got a degree. 205 00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:30,003 If you play a solo, I'll kick you. 206 00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:31,803 NO NOISE 207 00:13:31,803 --> 00:13:33,683 LAUGHTER 208 00:13:38,123 --> 00:13:41,643 That wouldn't disturb a game of chess, let alone a football match. 209 00:13:43,883 --> 00:13:48,603 It doesn't work. Why is it orange, anyway? I was supporting the Dutch. 210 00:13:48,603 --> 00:13:53,443 Why were you supporting the Dutch? Because the Dutch watch Top Gear and the Spanish don't. 211 00:13:53,443 --> 00:13:57,643 And you don't watch Top Gear in your house either, apparently. Can we do the news? 212 00:13:57,643 --> 00:14:02,403 A university in Virginia, which is in America, 213 00:14:02,403 --> 00:14:05,723 has come up with a car which can be driven by... 214 00:14:05,723 --> 00:14:10,243 Er...dead people? No. That's stupid. Bats. That's really stupid. 215 00:14:10,243 --> 00:14:13,683 No. He's nearly right with bats - it can be driven by blind people. 216 00:14:13,683 --> 00:14:15,883 Really? I've a photograph of it here. 217 00:14:15,883 --> 00:14:18,883 The inventors say it's always been wrongly assumed 218 00:14:18,883 --> 00:14:22,243 that blind people can't drive. 219 00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:23,283 Well, they can't. 220 00:14:23,283 --> 00:14:27,083 Realistically... Blind people can drive, just mostly into things. 221 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,963 This is where this comes in. 222 00:14:28,963 --> 00:14:33,363 It's got lasers and radar on it and they feed news of impending disaster 223 00:14:33,363 --> 00:14:37,603 to the driver via compressed air and a vibrating vest. 224 00:14:37,603 --> 00:14:41,403 Vest? Right. What happens if you put your vest on backwards 225 00:14:41,403 --> 00:14:45,163 cos you can't see the label cos, no offence, but you're blind. 226 00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:48,843 So, and then it will say left when it means right and you'll crash. 227 00:14:48,843 --> 00:14:53,243 I think it's important people do whatever they can to help disabled people. That's important. 228 00:14:53,243 --> 00:14:56,803 But I just can't see that working. I-I don't.... 229 00:14:56,803 --> 00:14:59,763 I'm not sure. It's far too complicated. 230 00:14:59,763 --> 00:15:02,803 Why don't they just take up my idea and teach dogs to drive? 231 00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:06,043 James, dogs can't drive. 232 00:15:06,043 --> 00:15:10,843 Thank you, James. Animal Hospital next week, presented by the idiot. 233 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:15,083 This system on this buggy was developed by students. 234 00:15:15,083 --> 00:15:20,843 Volvo, a byword for safety, has now developed a similar system and they recently invited 235 00:15:20,843 --> 00:15:25,363 all the world's press over to Sweden to look at a system which basically sees the obstacle. 236 00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:29,283 If it thinks the driver's not concentrating, has fallen asleep... Or is blind. 237 00:15:29,283 --> 00:15:34,323 Or s blind, it will brake for you. Here's their test. This was just a couple of weeks ago. 238 00:15:44,923 --> 00:15:48,443 There was a report out the other week about dangerous roads in Britain. 239 00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:51,243 There were some incredible statistics in it. 240 00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:56,123 Half of all the crashes in Britain happen on 10% of the roads. 241 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,203 One of the most dangerous roads is this one. 242 00:15:59,203 --> 00:16:01,883 The A537 near Macclesfield. 243 00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:05,763 Most of the roads in the most dangerous category are bikers' roads. 244 00:16:05,763 --> 00:16:09,883 Oh, here we go. Have a go at bikers time, is it? It's been a while. Go on, kick us. 245 00:16:09,883 --> 00:16:11,403 Let me give you this. 246 00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:15,923 One in four fatal or serious accidents on an A road involves a bike. 247 00:16:15,923 --> 00:16:19,123 There are only eight bikes on the road of Britain 248 00:16:19,123 --> 00:16:23,283 and they're involved in a quarter of all crashes. Well... 249 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:27,363 If in terms of miles covered, they're more dangerous than puff adders. 250 00:16:27,363 --> 00:16:31,723 If you've got one of those Suzuki black busas... Hayabusa, actually. 251 00:16:31,723 --> 00:16:35,083 Black busa sounds like a sex toy. It probably is, yes. 252 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:39,483 Hayabusa. So you drive that, on average, about ten times a year. 253 00:16:39,483 --> 00:16:43,843 Statistically you will be killed three times every time you go out. 254 00:16:43,843 --> 00:16:45,563 Let me give you another statistic. 255 00:16:45,563 --> 00:16:50,163 The average age at which a biker is killed is 35. A-ha. 256 00:16:50,163 --> 00:16:52,803 What? I'm 47. 257 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:56,603 That means you've been living on borrowed time for 12 years. 258 00:16:56,603 --> 00:17:01,123 No, for 12 years he's been riding his bike perfectly perpendicular to the road. 259 00:17:01,123 --> 00:17:02,283 He does, actually. 260 00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:05,163 Honestly. He left here the other day, 261 00:17:05,163 --> 00:17:09,123 I've seen faster-moving icebergs than you. 262 00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:14,083 He got behind a bus going up to the A3 from here and he sat behind the bus the entire way. 263 00:17:14,083 --> 00:17:16,723 "I'm going along." You did. 264 00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:21,123 That's because the bus said Guildford on the front and that's where I wanted to go. 265 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,443 LAUGHTER 266 00:17:25,643 --> 00:17:27,443 What's the point? 267 00:17:28,723 --> 00:17:33,203 Can I just say, on the roads round where I... Anyone else live in the Cotswolds round here? 268 00:17:33,203 --> 00:17:36,843 You do? Have you seen those roads where it says "bikers beware"? 269 00:17:36,843 --> 00:17:40,643 What does that mean? Does that mean I'm supposed to beware of them? 270 00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:44,643 The point about the sign is, it's sign shorthand, so you can read it at speed. 271 00:17:44,643 --> 00:17:49,083 There's no point making a sign saying "Motorcyclists, have you considered that there 272 00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:53,683 "may be a cantankerous, pig-headed middle-aged man with pubes for hair driving around 273 00:17:53,683 --> 00:17:59,243 "on an overpowered Mercedes that should be a four-seater but hasn't a back seat, yet costs twice as much." 274 00:17:59,243 --> 00:18:01,763 The sign would be enormous. 275 00:18:01,763 --> 00:18:04,403 Why doesn't it just say "bikers, go home"? 276 00:18:04,403 --> 00:18:06,883 Anyone here a biker? AUDIENCE: Yeah. 277 00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:11,203 Right, so eight. 42 set off. 278 00:18:11,203 --> 00:18:13,203 You want to talk dangerous? 279 00:18:13,203 --> 00:18:15,363 Cigarette, Jeremy? Why not. 280 00:18:15,363 --> 00:18:16,563 I'll do you a bet. 281 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,363 After the show tonight - you can all come and watch - 282 00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:22,363 you get on to your black busa... Hayabusa. 283 00:18:22,363 --> 00:18:27,643 You ride round the track as fast as you can and I'll chain-smoke, we'll see who dies first. 100 quid. 284 00:18:27,643 --> 00:18:29,443 You're on. 285 00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:35,083 A ridiculous bet. 286 00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:40,643 Anyway, that is the end of the news. We must move on. 287 00:18:40,643 --> 00:18:43,123 As we know, caravans are a menace. 288 00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,843 We all know that. The reason for this is very simple. 289 00:18:45,843 --> 00:18:49,843 Nobody who tows a caravan has had any training, which means they're a bit frightened, 290 00:18:49,843 --> 00:18:55,803 which means they drive slowly and that means they clog up the British countryside all summer long. 291 00:18:55,803 --> 00:18:59,483 Motorhomes would appear to be a better option but here 292 00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:03,243 we have a problem because there are only really two types. 293 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,963 There is the American RV, 294 00:19:05,963 --> 00:19:10,283 which is extremely cool but far too large, really, for European roads. 295 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:14,603 Then there is the British alternative, which is much smaller - 296 00:19:14,603 --> 00:19:18,643 it's much easier to drive on our roads - but it really is rather tragic. 297 00:19:18,643 --> 00:19:22,403 Yeah, so with that in mind, our producers came up with a plan. 298 00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:25,683 They said we each had to build our own motorhome which would be 299 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:29,923 small enough to work in Europe but still cool. The rules were simple. 300 00:19:29,923 --> 00:19:34,923 Whatever we made had to have sleeping accommodation, cooking facilities and a bog. 301 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:40,003 Then they said once we'd finished them, we had to meet up for a series of challenges. 302 00:19:43,203 --> 00:19:46,843 Our meeting point was Fleet services on the M3. 303 00:19:48,803 --> 00:19:51,443 And Richard was the first to arrive. 304 00:19:54,163 --> 00:19:55,843 And there it is. 305 00:19:55,843 --> 00:19:59,403 I am genuinely, genuinely proud of this. 306 00:19:59,403 --> 00:20:01,643 'But before I had a chance 307 00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:05,243 'to talk you through my Land Rover, Jeremy arrived...' 308 00:20:05,243 --> 00:20:06,763 What? 309 00:20:07,843 --> 00:20:11,523 '..in what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.' 310 00:20:17,163 --> 00:20:18,803 Look at it! 311 00:20:18,803 --> 00:20:19,843 Come on. 312 00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:25,363 It's enormous. It's absolutely superb. 313 00:20:25,363 --> 00:20:27,363 Do you ever watch Grand Designs? Yes. 314 00:20:27,363 --> 00:20:31,363 You do? Kevin McCloud programme? Every single thing they build looks like this. 315 00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:34,483 The indented windows - it's modern, it's crisp. 316 00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,323 No, he'd love it. 317 00:20:36,323 --> 00:20:39,443 He'd love to ask which cock stuck that on top of a Citroen. 318 00:20:42,243 --> 00:20:46,803 'To try and bring Richard round, I showed him my interior.' 319 00:20:48,283 --> 00:20:49,403 Wow! 320 00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:51,083 It's three-storey. 321 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,803 Japanese contemplation area here. 322 00:20:53,803 --> 00:20:55,923 Very useful. 323 00:20:55,923 --> 00:21:01,163 Upstairs, two hammocks and full cooking facilities, with a grill. 324 00:21:02,163 --> 00:21:06,643 'With the tour over, Kevin McClarkson turned his attention to my Land Rover.' 325 00:21:06,643 --> 00:21:08,243 This is hideous. 326 00:21:08,243 --> 00:21:13,683 It's stone effect, which is right with the Land Rover thing. 327 00:21:13,683 --> 00:21:15,163 It's hideous. 328 00:21:15,163 --> 00:21:19,283 JEREMY CHORTLES It's perfect, you see. 329 00:21:19,283 --> 00:21:21,643 Please tell me this is not real. Yes, it is. 330 00:21:21,643 --> 00:21:24,763 It is, entirely. If you need it, it's there for you. 331 00:21:24,763 --> 00:21:28,523 You're joking. If you need it, it's there. 332 00:21:28,523 --> 00:21:32,083 'All we had to do then was wait for James.' 333 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,763 I have to say, 334 00:21:33,763 --> 00:21:36,883 Land Rover famed for its reliability. 335 00:21:36,883 --> 00:21:41,763 No, wait - not reliability. No. And Citroen famed for... The same problem. 336 00:21:41,763 --> 00:21:44,723 The same problem. If James turns up in an Alfa, 337 00:21:44,723 --> 00:21:47,923 we really have completed the set. We'll have the lot. 338 00:21:47,923 --> 00:21:51,003 'But James didn't turn up in an Alfa 339 00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:54,403 'because he'd thought of something even more unreliable.' 340 00:21:54,403 --> 00:21:56,203 Whoa! 341 00:21:56,203 --> 00:21:58,523 It's an old Lotus with a roof box. 342 00:21:58,523 --> 00:22:01,203 I didn't expect that. 343 00:22:01,203 --> 00:22:02,963 Wow! 344 00:22:02,963 --> 00:22:05,163 You haven't got the idea of it at all. 345 00:22:05,163 --> 00:22:06,323 No, no, no. This... 346 00:22:06,323 --> 00:22:10,243 I don't like to be immodest, but this is actually a very good idea. 347 00:22:10,243 --> 00:22:13,683 It's inspired by the work of the pioneer aviators. 348 00:22:13,683 --> 00:22:16,483 It's extremely light, it's brilliant. Hammond? 349 00:22:18,443 --> 00:22:21,123 It's a roof box with a sleeping bag in it. Yeah. 350 00:22:21,123 --> 00:22:23,283 Where's your bog? There. 351 00:22:23,283 --> 00:22:25,363 Oh! Where your head is. 352 00:22:25,363 --> 00:22:28,923 And how do you go on that? The roof goes up. How does it go up? 353 00:22:28,923 --> 00:22:30,803 It's on telescopic...things. 354 00:22:30,803 --> 00:22:35,003 It's not a motorhome. It is. It's a motor car with accommodation on it. 355 00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:36,763 What's this? Why's it got that? 356 00:22:36,763 --> 00:22:39,043 Stability. Rubbish. 357 00:22:39,043 --> 00:22:41,283 Storage. 358 00:22:41,283 --> 00:22:42,563 That's it? That's... 359 00:22:42,563 --> 00:22:46,043 What do you need? A tin opener and a vegetable peeler. 360 00:22:46,043 --> 00:22:49,603 I like that. There's another one on the other side with toiletries. 361 00:22:50,763 --> 00:22:53,763 'James was then keen to inspect Hammond's.' 362 00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:57,883 This is a Land Rover with... ..the curtains on the outside. 363 00:22:57,883 --> 00:23:00,323 I don't understand this. Look. 364 00:23:00,323 --> 00:23:03,963 There will be opportunity, I'm sure, for me to demonstrate how this works. 365 00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:09,363 I've taken inspiration from the American motorhomes that slide out at the sides. Have you? Yeah. 366 00:23:09,363 --> 00:23:13,163 So this gets bigger. How does it get bigger? A lot bigger, you'll see. 367 00:23:13,163 --> 00:23:18,283 'At this point, we were interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.' 368 00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:22,003 Hello. Here we go. This is it. 369 00:23:22,003 --> 00:23:25,563 It says, "You are going on a camping holiday." Yes, that's a win. 370 00:23:25,563 --> 00:23:27,963 Where? He loves camping. Oh, yes. 371 00:23:27,963 --> 00:23:29,723 In Cornwall. Yes! 372 00:23:29,723 --> 00:23:33,203 That's going to be great. It's not. What's great about Cornwall? 373 00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:36,683 Cornwall's lovely. You'll have sand in your food. 374 00:23:36,683 --> 00:23:39,363 You'll be freezing cold if you go anywhere near the sea. 375 00:23:39,363 --> 00:23:42,963 The food will be stuff you recognise, you'll be able to read the road signs. 376 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,123 Why don't we go to France? 377 00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:47,643 Stop being a wimp. 378 00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:51,283 "You ARE going on a camping holiday in Cornwall. 379 00:23:51,283 --> 00:23:54,843 "This is 215 miles from where you are now." 380 00:23:54,843 --> 00:23:57,363 It's going to be great fun. It's a win, win, win. 381 00:23:57,363 --> 00:24:00,603 I'm going camping - my favourite activity - in my favourite weather. 382 00:24:02,523 --> 00:24:03,683 It's my best day ever. 383 00:24:04,723 --> 00:24:08,243 'So, with my heart singing, it was time to show the world 384 00:24:08,243 --> 00:24:11,643 'that a new era in motorhoming had begun.' 385 00:24:11,643 --> 00:24:12,843 We roll. 386 00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:14,963 There we go. 387 00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:30,003 So just to recap, viewers, what I'm doing now 388 00:24:30,003 --> 00:24:32,803 is going for a nice drive down to Cornwall in my Lotus. 389 00:24:32,803 --> 00:24:37,483 There is no impression whatsoever of there being anything on the roof. 390 00:24:37,483 --> 00:24:41,403 That weighs less than me and that's the point. 391 00:24:41,403 --> 00:24:45,843 Lightness. Preserving motoring pleasure for the "campervanist". 392 00:24:46,603 --> 00:24:49,403 'Sadly, when the Land Rover got up to speed, 393 00:24:49,403 --> 00:24:52,963 'I realised there was a bit of a design flaw.' 394 00:24:52,963 --> 00:24:55,283 I modified this particular example 395 00:24:55,283 --> 00:24:58,763 and cut away the bodywork to create this. 396 00:24:58,763 --> 00:25:03,043 I have left a slight gap sort of all round here 397 00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,843 and there is quite a draught. 398 00:25:04,843 --> 00:25:07,003 It is quite chilly. 399 00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:10,843 'Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...' 400 00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:13,403 Argh. Ah! 401 00:25:13,403 --> 00:25:14,843 Aargh! Oh! 402 00:25:14,843 --> 00:25:18,323 Oh, my God! No! This is terrifying. 403 00:25:18,323 --> 00:25:22,723 It's a... I cant begin to describe what this feels like. 404 00:25:22,723 --> 00:25:25,763 It's... OK! ..wobbling quite badly. 405 00:25:25,763 --> 00:25:28,363 'I asked James to pull in behind 406 00:25:28,363 --> 00:25:30,883 'and assess the gravity of the situation. 407 00:25:30,883 --> 00:25:32,923 'But he wasn't much help.' 408 00:25:32,923 --> 00:25:35,483 HE CHUCKLES 409 00:25:37,923 --> 00:25:40,363 'And to be honest, nor was Hammond.' 410 00:25:40,363 --> 00:25:41,723 HE CHUCKLES 411 00:25:46,603 --> 00:25:49,163 I've cocked up. I know I've cocked up. 412 00:25:49,163 --> 00:25:50,843 Low bridge! 413 00:25:52,323 --> 00:25:56,043 Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is? 414 00:25:56,043 --> 00:25:58,243 No, I didn't. 415 00:25:58,243 --> 00:26:01,603 Yes. He hasn't got a clue. 416 00:26:01,603 --> 00:26:03,603 Aaargh! 417 00:26:03,603 --> 00:26:08,403 'As Jeremy screamed his way onto the A303... 418 00:26:08,403 --> 00:26:11,323 'all was well in the Lotus.' 419 00:26:11,323 --> 00:26:15,403 I know people have a bit of a downer on Lotus and believe they're hideously unreliable 420 00:26:15,403 --> 00:26:18,963 but really, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this car 421 00:26:18,963 --> 00:26:23,483 apart from a little bit of electrical infidelity and the clock. 422 00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:25,963 I mean, it works but only the minute hand works. 423 00:26:25,963 --> 00:26:30,123 I know it's quarter to, I just don't know what it's quarter to to. 424 00:26:30,123 --> 00:26:34,523 OK. I'm going to operate the heater controls. 425 00:26:34,523 --> 00:26:39,203 Land Rover heaters are not their best feature, if I'm honest. 426 00:26:39,203 --> 00:26:41,083 That's on full. 427 00:26:42,083 --> 00:26:43,923 I can't feel it at all. 428 00:26:43,923 --> 00:26:48,723 'In the leaning tower of Citroen, I was starting to relax a bit.' 429 00:26:50,243 --> 00:26:51,963 She was VERY pretty. 430 00:26:53,803 --> 00:26:58,003 She just liked it. She wouldn't like to go in Hammond's, cos that's stupid. 431 00:26:58,003 --> 00:26:59,283 HE SHRIEKS 432 00:27:00,403 --> 00:27:03,123 Aaaaargh! 433 00:27:05,883 --> 00:27:10,123 Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had 434 00:27:10,123 --> 00:27:13,883 on a road journey in my whole life. It's absolutely hilarious. 435 00:27:15,203 --> 00:27:16,843 'It wasn't hilarious, though. 436 00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:21,403 'And since Hammond's Cottage was now suffering from subsidence, 437 00:27:21,403 --> 00:27:23,603 'we pulled in for some bodging.' 438 00:27:23,603 --> 00:27:24,883 Hammond... 439 00:27:24,883 --> 00:27:27,283 Yeah? We've done 20 miles. I know. 440 00:27:27,283 --> 00:27:31,043 We'll have to stop nine times to rebuild your shed before we get anywhere. 441 00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:36,723 'In a matter of moments, I'd mended the Citroen's attachment.' 442 00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:40,563 The problem was, the air was hitting this massive slab here, 443 00:27:40,563 --> 00:27:44,763 forcing the whole car back and lifting the front wheels off the ground, 444 00:27:44,763 --> 00:27:46,643 so I've taken out this window. 445 00:27:46,643 --> 00:27:49,323 The air will now go in there 446 00:27:49,323 --> 00:27:53,563 and then I've removed the rear door, so it can come out here. 447 00:27:55,123 --> 00:27:56,643 20, 448 00:27:56,643 --> 00:27:58,643 30. 449 00:27:58,643 --> 00:28:02,443 Oh, yeah. That's just massively improved it. 450 00:28:03,923 --> 00:28:05,363 Aargh! 451 00:28:05,363 --> 00:28:06,963 Whoo! 452 00:28:06,963 --> 00:28:09,443 No, it's made no difference. 453 00:28:09,443 --> 00:28:11,363 Make it stop! 454 00:28:12,643 --> 00:28:15,483 Right, we've done about 30 miles. 455 00:28:15,483 --> 00:28:17,763 180-something to go. 456 00:28:21,163 --> 00:28:24,003 'Amazingly, the convoy did keep going 457 00:28:24,003 --> 00:28:27,123 'until eventually, we pulled in for a fuel stop.' 458 00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:30,243 OK. Now this is a bit of a faff. 459 00:28:31,403 --> 00:28:33,963 HE GRUNTS 460 00:28:38,203 --> 00:28:40,203 Hammond? Yes? 461 00:28:40,203 --> 00:28:43,763 I may have made a mistake. Where? 462 00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:46,043 Well, I added this escape chute 463 00:28:46,043 --> 00:28:50,083 so that I can go from my aeroplane fuselage into the back seat of the car, 464 00:28:50,083 --> 00:28:52,443 which is here. It's very good... 465 00:28:52,443 --> 00:28:54,763 But I've covered up the filler flap. 466 00:28:57,163 --> 00:29:00,403 Oh, my God! Jeremy, no, no, no! No. 467 00:29:00,403 --> 00:29:04,363 What? Seriously, you're going to hit it. Yeah, that's quite close. 468 00:29:04,363 --> 00:29:07,243 Yeah, but, unlike your two cars... 469 00:29:07,243 --> 00:29:09,163 Ready? 470 00:29:12,923 --> 00:29:15,883 Ha-ha! Oh, yes. 471 00:29:15,883 --> 00:29:17,963 Yes! 472 00:29:17,963 --> 00:29:20,723 'Soon, refuelling was under way.' 473 00:29:24,003 --> 00:29:25,643 Here we go. 474 00:29:29,083 --> 00:29:32,723 JEREMY CHUCKLES Go away. 475 00:29:32,723 --> 00:29:37,323 That's an all-new... I've never seen a lockable fuel filler cap where you need to saw it. 476 00:29:37,323 --> 00:29:38,843 It's very secure. 477 00:29:41,483 --> 00:29:44,283 'Refuelling over, we headed on our way. 478 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:47,563 'And several perilous miles later...' 479 00:29:47,563 --> 00:29:50,843 Aaargh! 480 00:29:50,843 --> 00:29:53,083 '..we finally reached Cornwall.' 481 00:29:55,123 --> 00:29:56,723 That's where we're going. 482 00:29:56,723 --> 00:30:00,883 Ooh! I've got all the excitement you get as a kid on a family holiday, 483 00:30:00,883 --> 00:30:03,043 winding round little roads. 484 00:30:03,043 --> 00:30:06,203 The odd glimpse of the sea. 485 00:30:06,203 --> 00:30:09,083 Been on the go now pretty much seven hours. 486 00:30:09,083 --> 00:30:14,243 Could have flown to New York in that time. But no. 487 00:30:14,243 --> 00:30:17,723 Here, drizzle, cold, frightened, 488 00:30:17,723 --> 00:30:21,483 and all I have to look forward to is camping with a... 489 00:30:22,563 --> 00:30:24,523 A lunatic and a retard. 490 00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,883 'But then...' 491 00:30:28,883 --> 00:30:30,803 Oh, no! 492 00:30:30,803 --> 00:30:31,883 Got a warning light. 493 00:30:34,483 --> 00:30:37,843 Guys, I've got a warning light on the dashboard. Says, "Stop." 494 00:30:39,323 --> 00:30:43,763 'As you'd expect, the happy campers chose to ignore my distress signal.' 495 00:30:43,763 --> 00:30:48,003 Oh, yeah. That looks a suitable holiday destination. 496 00:30:48,003 --> 00:30:50,403 I think so. 497 00:30:51,923 --> 00:30:55,003 Holy moly! 498 00:30:55,003 --> 00:30:59,723 What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet? 499 00:30:59,723 --> 00:31:03,883 It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here. 500 00:31:03,883 --> 00:31:05,843 'At the campsite, 501 00:31:05,843 --> 00:31:09,563 'I settled down to watch Hammond's creation take shape.' 502 00:31:14,443 --> 00:31:16,443 Yep. Oh, yep. 503 00:31:16,443 --> 00:31:18,923 RICHARD GRUNTS 504 00:31:21,043 --> 00:31:22,083 Ow! 505 00:31:25,763 --> 00:31:27,563 I'm brave. 506 00:31:27,563 --> 00:31:29,323 Do you want some help? 507 00:31:29,323 --> 00:31:32,563 No. Don't need it, mate. A one-man job, this. 508 00:31:35,843 --> 00:31:39,643 'Having got the block of flats going again, Jeremy eventually joined us.' 509 00:31:39,643 --> 00:31:42,123 This is gripping. 510 00:31:44,163 --> 00:31:47,043 What are you doing? Finishing touches. 511 00:31:47,043 --> 00:31:52,403 'In Hammond's head, his build was coming along nicely. 512 00:31:52,403 --> 00:31:53,923 'But it wasn't. 513 00:31:56,403 --> 00:31:59,243 And an hour later, Jeremy and I were bored.' 514 00:31:59,243 --> 00:32:00,603 Is there a pub? 515 00:32:00,603 --> 00:32:02,403 'There was, so we went to it, 516 00:32:02,403 --> 00:32:05,203 'leaving Hammond to carry on building.' 517 00:32:06,923 --> 00:32:09,083 I see this as a sort of club room. 518 00:32:09,083 --> 00:32:12,843 Darts...hanging out with your mates. 519 00:32:14,083 --> 00:32:16,363 Oh, yes. 520 00:32:16,363 --> 00:32:17,403 There it is. 521 00:32:17,403 --> 00:32:20,403 Shall we order Hammond something? 522 00:32:20,403 --> 00:32:24,163 I'm thinking of the beer-battered fish, pea puree, tartare sauce. 523 00:32:24,163 --> 00:32:27,883 "I don't like beer, I don't like batter, I don't like fish..." 524 00:32:27,883 --> 00:32:30,803 He doesn't eat fish. I know, he doesn't eat fish. 525 00:32:30,803 --> 00:32:33,363 He might eat a free-range egg. 526 00:32:35,563 --> 00:32:38,443 'Back at base, the wind was getting up.' 527 00:32:45,643 --> 00:32:47,603 That bit's slightly too short. 528 00:32:52,843 --> 00:32:56,803 'When we got back from the pub, Hammond was still going.' 529 00:32:56,803 --> 00:32:58,083 Is this his motorhome? 530 00:32:58,083 --> 00:33:01,603 I don't believe it. That is outrageous. 531 00:33:01,603 --> 00:33:03,163 Come in, dude, come in. 532 00:33:03,163 --> 00:33:05,283 This is the bed. 533 00:33:05,283 --> 00:33:07,683 Yeah, that can happen. Sorry, sorry. 534 00:33:07,683 --> 00:33:11,363 I'll give you a quick squiz round if you like. This is the library here. 535 00:33:11,363 --> 00:33:14,363 Thank you. So you've got a library. 536 00:33:14,363 --> 00:33:16,403 This is the dining room. It goes on. 537 00:33:16,403 --> 00:33:17,963 Look at that! 538 00:33:17,963 --> 00:33:21,803 Bloody Nora. In here, this.. BLEEP Mind that. 539 00:33:21,803 --> 00:33:23,843 What's in here? 540 00:33:26,003 --> 00:33:27,683 That's a child's bedroom. 541 00:33:27,683 --> 00:33:30,003 What's this? This is lovely. 542 00:33:30,003 --> 00:33:33,083 He's got an ancestral portrait. 543 00:33:33,083 --> 00:33:35,803 Yes, Great Uncle... Great Uncle Tall there. 544 00:33:35,803 --> 00:33:39,723 Just a minute - this is Great Uncle Yourself. 545 00:33:42,843 --> 00:33:46,203 'With the very lengthy tour over, it was time to get some sleep.' 546 00:33:46,203 --> 00:33:48,963 WIND HOWLS 547 00:33:51,363 --> 00:33:54,803 These are my night clothes that I like to wear. 548 00:33:57,643 --> 00:33:59,163 There we go. 549 00:34:02,683 --> 00:34:05,043 Oh! THUD 550 00:34:06,243 --> 00:34:08,323 'Still, could be worse.' 551 00:34:08,323 --> 00:34:10,963 CLATTERING AND HOWLING OF WIND 552 00:34:14,123 --> 00:34:15,403 Oh, God! 553 00:34:23,403 --> 00:34:25,283 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 554 00:34:26,003 --> 00:34:27,523 Thank you so much. 555 00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:29,363 Thank you. Now... 556 00:34:30,523 --> 00:34:32,883 We'll pick that up later on, 557 00:34:32,883 --> 00:34:37,163 but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. 558 00:34:37,163 --> 00:34:40,923 My guest tonight is actually a caravan enthusiast. 559 00:34:40,923 --> 00:34:43,843 But unlike any other caravan enthusiast, 560 00:34:43,843 --> 00:34:46,123 he also starred in The Godfather. 561 00:34:46,123 --> 00:34:48,883 And Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen 562 00:34:48,883 --> 00:34:50,883 and once, he had his head cut off. 563 00:34:50,883 --> 00:34:53,203 Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia. 564 00:34:53,203 --> 00:34:55,963 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 565 00:34:55,963 --> 00:34:58,563 How are you? 566 00:35:01,443 --> 00:35:03,763 Major Hollywood. 567 00:35:04,941 --> 00:35:08,621 Thank you very much. I love England. Well, that's... You see, 568 00:35:08,621 --> 00:35:10,981 you've won their hearts already. 569 00:35:10,981 --> 00:35:15,541 I'm always fascinated, when we do occasionally have big Hollywood stars come on the show... 570 00:35:15,541 --> 00:35:18,581 Please, please. What it feels like, cos I presume 571 00:35:18,581 --> 00:35:23,621 when you go on American chat shows it's all red carpets and men with mascara and shiny teeth. 572 00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:26,301 Like you. No. 573 00:35:26,301 --> 00:35:29,341 And you come down here and it's a kind of a windswept airfield 574 00:35:29,341 --> 00:35:32,141 and there's a man with a white helmet on who won't speak to you. 575 00:35:32,141 --> 00:35:35,981 Then we put you into a car with a steering wheel on what you perceive to be the wrong side 576 00:35:35,981 --> 00:35:38,741 and make you drive round a track. Was it fun? You enjoy that? 577 00:35:38,741 --> 00:35:42,821 I enjoyed it very much. I drive stick but obviously, with a different hand. 578 00:35:42,821 --> 00:35:47,421 I do a lot of things with both hands, so I'm pretty used to it. 579 00:35:47,421 --> 00:35:48,941 LAUGHTER 580 00:35:50,941 --> 00:35:52,741 She's gone bright red, look. 581 00:35:52,741 --> 00:35:54,821 So has he. 582 00:35:56,341 --> 00:35:59,461 We've actually got a clip which I really want to start off with, 583 00:35:59,461 --> 00:36:03,981 of one of your first attempts in practice laps, which nearly resulted in the death of the Stig. 584 00:36:03,981 --> 00:36:07,181 Would anybody here like to see that? 585 00:36:07,181 --> 00:36:10,541 AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's just have a look at this before we get cracking. 586 00:36:10,541 --> 00:36:13,901 Here we come, up to Gambon Corner. 587 00:36:13,901 --> 00:36:16,701 A little wide... Really very wide indeed. 588 00:36:16,701 --> 00:36:18,901 And there is... 589 00:36:18,901 --> 00:36:22,741 I never liked him from the start. You didn't like him. 590 00:36:22,741 --> 00:36:25,421 He is actually deeply... 591 00:36:25,421 --> 00:36:29,181 It's very rude if someone talks to you and never shows you his face. 592 00:36:29,181 --> 00:36:31,981 Now, obviously... 593 00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:35,421 the first thing I notice is you arrived with...a face hair. 594 00:36:35,421 --> 00:36:38,181 That's what I'm going to say. 595 00:36:38,181 --> 00:36:40,341 It actually peels off. 596 00:36:40,341 --> 00:36:42,541 Does it really? No, it doesn't. 597 00:36:42,541 --> 00:36:46,061 Is this for a movie, I presume? Why else would you wear a thing like this? 598 00:36:47,661 --> 00:36:52,021 We're sorting out the issue of motorhomes tonight, what you'd call RVs. 599 00:36:52,021 --> 00:36:54,901 Right. I understand you are a caravan enthusiast. 600 00:36:54,901 --> 00:36:56,421 Er... 601 00:36:56,421 --> 00:36:58,101 I have an airstream trailer. 602 00:36:58,101 --> 00:37:01,941 This is the chrome... The chrome, silver bullet-looking thing. 603 00:37:01,941 --> 00:37:05,501 In this case it's a large one - it's 34 feet, which is fantastic. 604 00:37:05,501 --> 00:37:10,261 The thing about an airstream is it looks very good, but you still have to crap in a bucket. 605 00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:14,461 Yeah, like that piece of BLEEP you provided for me over here. 606 00:37:14,461 --> 00:37:18,061 There's hot water in there somewhere. No, there isn't. 607 00:37:20,221 --> 00:37:23,501 You are actually - joking aside - you are a family man. 608 00:37:23,501 --> 00:37:26,221 You run a very close family, I would say. 609 00:37:26,221 --> 00:37:30,101 I've got four kids - three girls first and a little boy. Started all over again. 610 00:37:30,101 --> 00:37:34,781 And your daughter Dominik... Yes. She's in your new film, I gather. 611 00:37:34,781 --> 00:37:37,661 She's in City Island, which opens on Friday the 23rd. 612 00:37:37,661 --> 00:37:42,261 You're allowed to do that. And what's it about? It's a farce? 613 00:37:42,261 --> 00:37:47,461 It's a human comedy about this dysfunctional Italian-American family, 614 00:37:47,461 --> 00:37:52,661 all the secrets they harbour from each other. It's a wonderful story and we're very proud of the film. 615 00:37:52,661 --> 00:37:55,821 We've got a clip of it, which I'd like to show. Let's have a look. 616 00:37:55,821 --> 00:37:59,461 I was thinking that, being a Saturday night and all and Vivien's here, 617 00:37:59,461 --> 00:38:03,381 why don't we have a big home-cooked dinner tonight? 618 00:38:03,381 --> 00:38:04,461 Big - nice and big. 619 00:38:04,461 --> 00:38:05,581 Yeah, sure. 620 00:38:05,581 --> 00:38:07,861 Like I do every Saturday night. 621 00:38:07,861 --> 00:38:09,701 Yeah, but like something special. 622 00:38:09,701 --> 00:38:12,941 Like for a real special occasion, something special. 623 00:38:12,941 --> 00:38:14,581 Something nice. 624 00:38:14,581 --> 00:38:16,861 You want balloons or something? 625 00:38:16,861 --> 00:38:20,701 No, I don't want balloons. I'm just saying - something nice. When don't I make it nice? 626 00:38:20,701 --> 00:38:23,141 Make something nicer. Make it yourself! 627 00:38:24,941 --> 00:38:26,781 OK, Vivien. I've got to ask you. 628 00:38:26,781 --> 00:38:28,621 Are your breasts continuing to grow? 629 00:38:28,621 --> 00:38:31,141 What? Vince. What? 630 00:38:31,141 --> 00:38:32,861 Does have a point there, sweetie. 631 00:38:32,861 --> 00:38:35,981 You do seem to be getting a little large in that area. Oh, nice, Dad. 632 00:38:35,981 --> 00:38:37,621 APPLAUSE 633 00:38:37,621 --> 00:38:39,941 That's your daughter. 634 00:38:39,941 --> 00:38:41,781 This is a girl who, in real life, 635 00:38:41,781 --> 00:38:45,061 you never let her have keys to your house. Is that right? 636 00:38:45,061 --> 00:38:46,941 She reminded me of that recently. 637 00:38:46,941 --> 00:38:50,181 I never gave her keys to the house because I always wanted her to... 638 00:38:50,181 --> 00:38:53,981 You know, when she knocked, I'd come downstairs and open the door and... 639 00:38:53,981 --> 00:38:57,701 That's a good idea. I'm going to confiscate my daughter's keys immediately. 640 00:38:57,701 --> 00:39:01,301 Except she always comes in at three, which is really awkward. 641 00:39:01,301 --> 00:39:05,021 Obviously, you have been in very many big films over the years. 642 00:39:05,021 --> 00:39:07,781 We've mentioned some - The Untouchables, Black Rain. 643 00:39:07,781 --> 00:39:11,221 I think not a lot of people realise this. Because of The Godfather, 644 00:39:11,221 --> 00:39:14,101 they assume you must be Italian, but you were born in Cuba. 645 00:39:14,101 --> 00:39:18,301 I was born in Cuba and I left 2½ years after the revolution. I was 5½ years old. 646 00:39:18,301 --> 00:39:22,061 How did you get out? How did it work? We were some of the last... 647 00:39:22,061 --> 00:39:25,861 They call freedom flights before they shut the country completely down, 648 00:39:25,861 --> 00:39:31,181 and you had to leave at that point in an inner tube, or, interestingly enough, 649 00:39:31,181 --> 00:39:36,021 there have been cases where they've turned old cars into actual floating amphibious... 650 00:39:36,021 --> 00:39:40,341 And they've taken off. I don't know where they got the idea for that from. I can't imagine. 651 00:39:40,341 --> 00:39:43,461 I know you guys explored that, but it's true. 652 00:39:43,461 --> 00:39:47,981 They've found big Buicks or flatbed trucks floating across the Florida Straits with a... 653 00:39:47,981 --> 00:39:51,901 The ingenuity, though, in Cuba, to keep those big old American cars going, is just... 654 00:39:51,901 --> 00:39:56,581 They make brake fluid out of shampoo and alcohol. 655 00:39:56,581 --> 00:40:00,741 Yeah, and brake pads out of asbestos. I saw a documentary - a car documentary - 656 00:40:00,741 --> 00:40:03,781 and there was a gentleman mixing asbestos with his hands 657 00:40:03,781 --> 00:40:06,781 and mixing it to create the pad for the brakes, 658 00:40:06,781 --> 00:40:09,101 and they said, "You know this can kill you?" 659 00:40:09,101 --> 00:40:10,821 And he said, "Yes, I know. 660 00:40:10,821 --> 00:40:14,381 "But how do I provide for my family if I don't do this?" 661 00:40:14,381 --> 00:40:18,981 What a life. Imagine what life would have been like if your parents hadn't got you out. 662 00:40:18,981 --> 00:40:20,541 I was very lucky. 663 00:40:20,541 --> 00:40:24,581 Are you familiar with the story of the Cuban Grand Prix in '59? 664 00:40:24,581 --> 00:40:27,861 Yes, it was a kidnapping of Juan Manuel Fangio, 665 00:40:27,861 --> 00:40:32,981 the famous Argentinian race car driver, and he was kidnapped by the Cuban revolutionaries. 666 00:40:32,981 --> 00:40:35,301 They released him after the Grand Prix, 667 00:40:35,301 --> 00:40:40,261 and they said, "Why'd they kidnap you?" He said, "For publicity." 668 00:40:40,261 --> 00:40:45,461 "Did they treat you badly?" He goes, "No, they were perfect gentlemen." It was one of those amazing stories. 669 00:40:45,461 --> 00:40:50,221 Juan used to put... Before a race, you've got to turn and analyse the turn, 670 00:40:50,221 --> 00:40:52,021 he'd put like a big silver dollar, 671 00:40:52,021 --> 00:40:55,301 a Cuban big peso or something and then bet people 672 00:40:55,301 --> 00:40:58,261 that in that turn he was going to run it over. 673 00:40:58,261 --> 00:41:00,581 He was a great proponent of the four-wheel drift. 674 00:41:00,581 --> 00:41:03,301 So to hit a silver dollar while doing a four-wheel drift... 675 00:41:03,301 --> 00:41:06,541 So do you drive some big old American Chevy then, 676 00:41:06,541 --> 00:41:10,021 that you keep going with shampoo and things in the States? 677 00:41:10,021 --> 00:41:15,821 No, I have a little Porsche that I drive, a 4S, 2006 or something. 678 00:41:15,821 --> 00:41:19,301 So no Prius? No Prius. Good man. 679 00:41:19,301 --> 00:41:21,061 You're very welcome here. 680 00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:23,221 APPLAUSE 681 00:41:27,701 --> 00:41:31,341 I'm all for clean diesel and hybrids and all that, but not a Prius. 682 00:41:31,341 --> 00:41:33,021 Just not a Prius. 683 00:41:33,021 --> 00:41:37,541 Did you not once have a Peugeot? It was a diesel wagon, 504 diesel wagon. 684 00:41:37,541 --> 00:41:41,341 It was a beautiful car. Couldn't make its way over the hill in Hollywood, 685 00:41:41,341 --> 00:41:44,861 but it rode beautifully on the highway in fifth gear. 686 00:41:44,861 --> 00:41:48,581 It would quiet down, and you'd put like 20 dollars of diesel in it 687 00:41:48,581 --> 00:41:50,461 and it'd last for like 14 months. 688 00:41:50,461 --> 00:41:54,021 It had beautiful lines. That car had beautiful lines. 689 00:41:54,021 --> 00:41:58,821 I miss the car. If anybody's watching the show that bought my car, please, I want to buy it back. 690 00:41:58,821 --> 00:42:02,021 Yeah, OK. 504 diesel. Anyone got one? 691 00:42:02,021 --> 00:42:04,101 No, didn't think so. 692 00:42:04,101 --> 00:42:08,181 Anyway, competition-wise, have you ever done any track driving? 693 00:42:08,181 --> 00:42:10,061 No. Never? 694 00:42:10,061 --> 00:42:13,101 Never. And you've never driven a car with the gear lever on... 695 00:42:13,101 --> 00:42:16,141 So this was all an entirely new thing for you out there. 696 00:42:16,141 --> 00:42:18,181 Who would like to see Andy's lap? 697 00:42:18,181 --> 00:42:20,061 AUDIENCE: Yes! 698 00:42:20,061 --> 00:42:22,541 Let's have a look then. Come on, let's put it up. 699 00:42:23,501 --> 00:42:27,301 There we go, in the brown C-apostrophe-D. 700 00:42:27,301 --> 00:42:29,621 Are you pleased with that? A good start. 701 00:42:29,621 --> 00:42:31,221 Yeah, you were. 702 00:42:31,221 --> 00:42:33,701 You actually look quite sinister. Tell me about it. 703 00:42:33,701 --> 00:42:36,621 Let's have a look through the first corner. 704 00:42:36,621 --> 00:42:40,141 That's taming its understeer nicely. That's very good. 705 00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:43,661 Running a bit wide. Everybody does, though. Forget to break. 706 00:42:43,661 --> 00:42:45,981 Not a good idea. Into Chicago. 707 00:42:45,981 --> 00:42:50,261 Again, it does run wide, that car. Very safe, very brown. 708 00:42:50,261 --> 00:42:53,421 Slow. Hammerhead, a very tricky corner here, 709 00:42:53,421 --> 00:42:55,741 though it's a quick left. 710 00:42:55,741 --> 00:42:58,861 Quick right. That's very well done, though. 711 00:42:58,861 --> 00:43:01,261 That was excellent. Thank you, sir. 712 00:43:01,261 --> 00:43:03,821 A bit slow on the gear change. 713 00:43:03,821 --> 00:43:06,101 This is my lap, baby. 714 00:43:06,101 --> 00:43:09,821 Sounds... I didn't know that Groucho Marx knew how to drive. 715 00:43:09,821 --> 00:43:13,421 It is... It is slightly Marx-esque. 716 00:43:13,421 --> 00:43:14,661 That was very quick. 717 00:43:14,661 --> 00:43:17,741 Now you've got the tricky part. 718 00:43:19,381 --> 00:43:23,901 This is where most of our celebrities go off, but that was nicely handled. 719 00:43:23,901 --> 00:43:26,221 Do you get Gambon right this time? 720 00:43:26,221 --> 00:43:29,301 Beautifully cut, taking the actual Gambon line, and there we are. 721 00:43:29,301 --> 00:43:31,461 APPLAUSE 722 00:43:31,461 --> 00:43:33,501 Well done. 723 00:43:40,061 --> 00:43:44,341 Where do you think you've come on our relatively new board? 724 00:43:44,341 --> 00:43:48,861 You don't know any of these names, do you? I know Angelina Jolie. 725 00:43:48,861 --> 00:43:51,781 She didn't look quite like I thought. 726 00:43:51,781 --> 00:43:54,581 She was kind of fat and a bit bald. 727 00:43:54,581 --> 00:43:58,261 Might have been a comedian pretending to be Angelina. I see. 728 00:43:58,261 --> 00:44:03,821 Louie Spence, you don't know him, presumably. No, but I certainly would like to be ahead of him. 729 00:44:03,821 --> 00:44:07,341 No, you don't want to be in front of him. Oh, I see. 730 00:44:07,341 --> 00:44:09,821 So, Andy... 731 00:44:09,821 --> 00:44:11,461 Garcia. 732 00:44:11,461 --> 00:44:14,261 You did it in one minute... 733 00:44:15,421 --> 00:44:19,301 46.1, 734 00:44:19,301 --> 00:44:21,661 which means, I think, 735 00:44:21,661 --> 00:44:23,821 that you are... APPLAUSE 736 00:44:25,821 --> 00:44:29,301 ..the third fastest driver we've ever had. 737 00:44:30,901 --> 00:44:32,381 That's not bad. 738 00:44:37,581 --> 00:44:42,181 I think, for a man who's never driven on the correct side of a car before, 739 00:44:42,181 --> 00:44:44,181 that's very, very impressive. 740 00:44:44,181 --> 00:44:47,981 And it's just been a huge pleasure and an honour to have you here. 741 00:44:47,981 --> 00:44:51,381 Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 742 00:44:57,381 --> 00:44:59,661 Now... 743 00:44:59,661 --> 00:45:04,101 Earlier on, we were told to invent motorhomes 744 00:45:04,101 --> 00:45:07,101 that were cool and would prove so successful 745 00:45:07,101 --> 00:45:10,821 they would rid this country of the caravan menace forever. 746 00:45:10,821 --> 00:45:14,821 The results so far have been, well, mixed, but no matter. 747 00:45:14,821 --> 00:45:18,421 We rejoin the action after spending the night trying to sleep through 748 00:45:18,421 --> 00:45:20,901 what felt like a force-nine gale. 749 00:45:24,901 --> 00:45:28,101 'The next morning, mercifully, the wind had died down. 750 00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:30,981 'But it had taken its toll. 751 00:45:32,181 --> 00:45:33,741 Oh, dear. 752 00:45:35,861 --> 00:45:38,541 Oh, look. It's done the same in the games room? 753 00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:42,621 Yeah, brought the roof down onto the pool table. And the living room and the cinema. 754 00:45:42,621 --> 00:45:46,021 I promise you, Hammond, it was worse for me. How can it be worse for you? 755 00:45:46,021 --> 00:45:47,901 The roof fell in on my library. 756 00:45:47,901 --> 00:45:50,941 I promise you it was worse for me. What's worse than that? 757 00:45:52,701 --> 00:45:54,701 Oh, yeah. That's worse. 758 00:45:56,501 --> 00:45:58,501 Morning. Oh, God. 759 00:45:58,501 --> 00:46:00,741 Is that just the wind did that? 760 00:46:00,741 --> 00:46:04,221 Oh, yeah. No, a big giant came. 761 00:46:04,221 --> 00:46:08,701 'After a revolting breakfast in Hammond's citadel, 762 00:46:08,701 --> 00:46:13,021 'Jeremy pulled out all the stops to get his Citroen righted.' 763 00:46:13,021 --> 00:46:17,741 So we've had cold beans. Yep. I'm sorry I didn't eat your raw bacon. 764 00:46:17,741 --> 00:46:19,421 At least I remembered them. 765 00:46:21,341 --> 00:46:25,061 That is my Japanese garden. Look at it. Just leaking. 766 00:46:25,061 --> 00:46:26,581 Still, it's the right way up. 767 00:46:26,581 --> 00:46:28,621 Oh, hello. Oh, God. 768 00:46:31,061 --> 00:46:33,181 Thank you. 769 00:46:33,181 --> 00:46:37,061 "Since you are in Cornwall, you must try surfing." 770 00:46:37,061 --> 00:46:40,221 I don't want to do surfing. What if we just don't want to do it? 771 00:46:40,221 --> 00:46:43,101 What if we just say, "No, we're not going to"? 772 00:46:43,101 --> 00:46:44,701 Apparently we ARE going to. 773 00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:45,941 There's more. 774 00:46:45,941 --> 00:46:50,141 "You must drive to a nearby beach and get changed into wetsuits 775 00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:52,421 "inside your motorhomes." 776 00:46:52,421 --> 00:46:55,461 HE CHUCKLES 777 00:46:55,461 --> 00:46:58,701 Sorry, I'm suddenly feeling cheered up. 778 00:46:58,701 --> 00:47:01,821 Have you ever tried to put... What, wetsuits or...? Well, suits. 779 00:47:01,821 --> 00:47:03,781 Have you ever tried to put them on? 780 00:47:03,781 --> 00:47:06,501 You need... You see this field? 781 00:47:06,501 --> 00:47:09,781 You need an area this big, which you have, but it's here, 782 00:47:09,781 --> 00:47:13,101 so you've got to parcel all that up to drive to the... 783 00:47:13,101 --> 00:47:15,101 And you! 784 00:47:16,821 --> 00:47:19,701 'But Clarkson was laughing too soon, 785 00:47:21,021 --> 00:47:24,221 'because I had planned for such an eventuality.' 786 00:47:24,221 --> 00:47:27,781 Simply retract the roof. Easy. 787 00:47:29,381 --> 00:47:31,181 It's like a spaceship, you see. 788 00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:34,741 You end up with this escape pod that can just break free. 789 00:47:36,341 --> 00:47:39,181 'Meanwhile, James and I had arrived at the beach.' 790 00:47:39,181 --> 00:47:42,261 Look at this. Surftown UK. 791 00:47:42,261 --> 00:47:44,941 They're going to look at my hat and they're going to say, 792 00:47:44,941 --> 00:47:49,621 "Yes, yes, that man knows what he's doing." 793 00:47:49,621 --> 00:47:54,221 'And with no sign of Hammond, we decided to have a surfing lesson.' 794 00:47:54,221 --> 00:47:56,301 Hang on. So it's a... 795 00:47:57,821 --> 00:47:59,701 Yeah, yeah, you've got it. 796 00:47:59,701 --> 00:48:02,941 Is that roughly right? It wasn't, though, was it? Not really, no. 797 00:48:02,941 --> 00:48:06,581 'Eventually, Hammond's escape pod was free... 798 00:48:08,181 --> 00:48:10,261 '..and he was able to join us 799 00:48:10,261 --> 00:48:14,541 'for the "getting into a wetsuit in a motorhome" test.' 800 00:48:15,541 --> 00:48:19,501 Yes! I'll get changed in my contemplation zone. 801 00:48:19,501 --> 00:48:21,141 Lovely job. 802 00:48:21,141 --> 00:48:24,981 'Unsurprisingly, it was much harder in the Lotus.' 803 00:48:24,981 --> 00:48:27,821 Ow! Ow! 804 00:48:27,821 --> 00:48:32,901 'But surprisingly, even harder in Hammond's land cottage.' 805 00:48:34,421 --> 00:48:37,861 I, er, have had to leave some of the panels at the campsite. 806 00:48:37,861 --> 00:48:39,901 Well, all of them, pretty much. 807 00:48:39,901 --> 00:48:42,101 And that, er... 808 00:48:42,101 --> 00:48:46,061 That has sort of compromised privacy, rather. 809 00:48:46,061 --> 00:48:49,181 They're not going to go, are they? 810 00:48:49,181 --> 00:48:52,141 If I maybe... 811 00:48:54,661 --> 00:48:56,981 No. Er... 812 00:48:59,861 --> 00:49:01,901 I've had a very clever idea, I think. 813 00:49:01,901 --> 00:49:06,221 I do of course have my escape chute, which leads directly into the back seat of the car. 814 00:49:06,221 --> 00:49:09,421 It's a way of moving between the car and the bedding area 815 00:49:09,421 --> 00:49:12,701 without having to go outside if it's raining, for example. 816 00:49:12,701 --> 00:49:15,941 So when I've got the bottom half on, I'm going to exit 817 00:49:15,941 --> 00:49:20,461 and enter the car and then slip into the top bit down there where I can sit up. 818 00:49:20,461 --> 00:49:26,261 'Hammond, meanwhile, had abandoned the Land Rover and stolen a child's tent.' 819 00:49:28,621 --> 00:49:29,781 OK. 820 00:49:31,021 --> 00:49:32,501 OK. 821 00:49:32,501 --> 00:49:36,621 I'm not sure that the escape chute actually works. Hang on a minute. 822 00:49:42,221 --> 00:49:44,501 I've got my shoulders stuck. 823 00:49:44,501 --> 00:49:49,341 'But just several hours later, my colleagues were ready.' 824 00:49:49,341 --> 00:49:51,301 It's cold. 825 00:49:51,301 --> 00:49:53,381 It's really cold. 826 00:49:53,381 --> 00:49:55,061 It's not going to get any warmer. 827 00:49:56,381 --> 00:49:58,701 Well, give it a couple of months, it might. 828 00:49:58,701 --> 00:50:01,421 Come on. All right, what do we do? 829 00:50:03,821 --> 00:50:05,861 'Without wishing to boast...' 830 00:50:05,861 --> 00:50:07,381 This is quite nice. 831 00:50:07,381 --> 00:50:09,301 '..I mastered surfing very quickly.' 832 00:50:09,301 --> 00:50:10,341 Lovely. 833 00:50:10,341 --> 00:50:13,541 That's the easiest thing I've ever done. 834 00:50:13,541 --> 00:50:17,661 'But for some reason, the other two kept trying to stand up.' 835 00:50:22,901 --> 00:50:25,461 Toes on tail, hands on the rail... 836 00:50:27,141 --> 00:50:29,021 I am surfing! 837 00:50:32,141 --> 00:50:35,181 'They were so engrossed in this idiocy 838 00:50:35,181 --> 00:50:38,421 'they failed to spot an incoming problem.' 839 00:50:38,421 --> 00:50:40,261 James, we've got to get out. 840 00:50:40,261 --> 00:50:43,101 No! I almost got up. We've nearly got it. 841 00:50:43,101 --> 00:50:45,261 What? The cars. 842 00:50:45,261 --> 00:50:46,821 Oh, BLEEP, he's right. 843 00:50:48,701 --> 00:50:52,701 'James and Richard rushed to their cars and legged it, 844 00:50:52,701 --> 00:50:55,421 'whereas I decided to get changed where I was.' 845 00:50:55,421 --> 00:50:57,021 Ah! Jesus! 846 00:50:57,021 --> 00:50:58,261 'Which went well.' 847 00:50:58,261 --> 00:50:59,861 Agh! 848 00:50:59,861 --> 00:51:01,741 No! 849 00:51:03,061 --> 00:51:04,981 Yes! Come on, Hasselhoff. 850 00:51:06,701 --> 00:51:08,541 That wasn't tense. 851 00:51:09,541 --> 00:51:13,501 'Our next challenge was to cook a three-course meal in our motorhomes 852 00:51:13,501 --> 00:51:18,221 'using whatever ingredients we could find at a nearby petrol station.' 853 00:51:20,381 --> 00:51:23,621 Sit rep. Don't like driving my Citroen, 854 00:51:23,621 --> 00:51:25,501 don't like sleeping in my Citroen, 855 00:51:25,501 --> 00:51:28,661 almost certainly won't like cooking in it, either. 856 00:51:28,661 --> 00:51:33,461 'Plus, getting to the petrol station meant taking some back roads.' 857 00:51:34,621 --> 00:51:36,461 Whoa! 858 00:51:36,461 --> 00:51:38,621 What the hell's that? 859 00:51:38,621 --> 00:51:41,861 Well, it was a tree, but now... A tree? 860 00:51:41,861 --> 00:51:44,741 That was a big one, Jeremy. Oh, no! 861 00:51:46,541 --> 00:51:49,101 'Having pruned most of Cornwall, 862 00:51:49,101 --> 00:51:51,861 'we finally arrived.' 863 00:51:53,221 --> 00:51:55,661 Oh, my God. No, no, no. 864 00:51:55,661 --> 00:51:56,981 BANG! 865 00:51:58,021 --> 00:52:01,221 Now I have crashed into a petrol station. 866 00:52:04,101 --> 00:52:07,341 Have you not been able to get changed? Of course I haven't. 867 00:52:07,341 --> 00:52:10,021 You know how difficult it is to get out of one of these. 868 00:52:10,021 --> 00:52:12,581 I had to get out of it in a coffin. 869 00:52:15,181 --> 00:52:17,381 'In the shop, James said he'd do the starter, 870 00:52:17,381 --> 00:52:20,741 'Richard the pudding and me the main course. 871 00:52:20,741 --> 00:52:23,101 'But this was the sticks.' 872 00:52:23,101 --> 00:52:25,901 So, do you have any steak? 873 00:52:25,901 --> 00:52:27,261 Nope. 874 00:52:27,261 --> 00:52:28,741 Pork? Nope. 875 00:52:28,741 --> 00:52:31,461 Er, lamb? Nope. 876 00:52:32,621 --> 00:52:34,701 Bacon? 877 00:52:34,701 --> 00:52:36,261 No, I'm afraid, sorry. 878 00:52:36,261 --> 00:52:38,341 The washers aren't part of the meal. 879 00:52:38,341 --> 00:52:41,101 I've just got those because I like them. 880 00:52:41,101 --> 00:52:42,741 Do you have any butter? 881 00:52:42,741 --> 00:52:43,861 Mmm... 882 00:52:43,861 --> 00:52:44,901 No. 883 00:52:46,261 --> 00:52:47,941 Lard? Struggling. 884 00:52:47,941 --> 00:52:50,781 Margarine. 885 00:52:50,781 --> 00:52:55,101 'Despite the lack of choice, we soon had enough for our dinner. 886 00:52:57,501 --> 00:52:59,781 'So, back at the campsite, we parked up... 887 00:53:03,181 --> 00:53:04,741 '..and got cooking.' 888 00:53:04,741 --> 00:53:08,461 Right, what I'm going to cook tonight is Spam slices, 889 00:53:08,461 --> 00:53:12,861 coated with a crushed, cheesy, popular snack item. 890 00:53:12,861 --> 00:53:17,181 So first, using the fork, we crush up the cheesy comestibles. 891 00:53:17,181 --> 00:53:20,661 Here is what I propose for dessert. 892 00:53:20,661 --> 00:53:24,341 I'm going to make Eton mess crossed with trifle. 893 00:53:24,341 --> 00:53:26,661 Couldn't find any sponge fingers, 894 00:53:26,661 --> 00:53:30,341 but then I had an absolutely brilliant idea. I'm going to use bread. 895 00:53:30,341 --> 00:53:33,181 Lining the bowl with the sponge fingers. 896 00:53:33,181 --> 00:53:38,181 Now we put our ice cream and yogurt in, like that. 897 00:53:38,181 --> 00:53:43,501 Right, the water is boiling so it's time to start preparing the vegetables. 898 00:53:43,501 --> 00:53:44,901 Here they are. 899 00:53:44,901 --> 00:53:46,421 So, thin slices. 900 00:53:46,421 --> 00:53:51,061 About an eighth of an inch, or about 2.5 mm in Roman Catholic. 901 00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:56,541 But flavour the flowers with just a couple of pickled onions. 902 00:53:56,541 --> 00:53:59,821 Chocolate, not a problem. Any amount of that can go in. 903 00:54:03,421 --> 00:54:04,981 Ow! Ow! 904 00:54:04,981 --> 00:54:06,541 I need a handle for that. 905 00:54:06,541 --> 00:54:08,141 Now... 906 00:54:09,221 --> 00:54:13,701 The oil. This does worry me, I must admit, using Castrol GTX. 907 00:54:13,701 --> 00:54:16,421 But I don't think I have any choice. 908 00:54:16,421 --> 00:54:18,701 In the meantime, whilst that just heats up, 909 00:54:18,701 --> 00:54:23,221 we have to consider our "garni", which is an orange jus... 910 00:54:24,181 --> 00:54:27,541 ..taken out of the inside of one of these chocolate confections, 911 00:54:27,541 --> 00:54:30,621 which is named after a type of orange where it isn't a brand name, 912 00:54:30,621 --> 00:54:34,221 but becomes a brand name when applied to one of these, unfortunately. 913 00:54:34,221 --> 00:54:37,621 So I can't tell you what they are, but you know they're Jaffa Cakes. 914 00:54:37,621 --> 00:54:41,261 Now I'm monitoring everything at this point very carefully, 915 00:54:41,261 --> 00:54:46,421 cos the last time I tried to cook on a campsite, the caravan caught fire. 916 00:54:46,421 --> 00:54:50,461 You may remember. And the one next to it. So I can't be... 917 00:54:51,981 --> 00:54:53,661 Holy cow. What's that? 918 00:54:53,661 --> 00:54:56,781 Er... Er... 919 00:54:56,781 --> 00:55:01,301 Get an extinguisher, man! I haven't got one! Who's got an extinguisher? I've got one there. 920 00:55:01,301 --> 00:55:03,781 Why's there a safety thing on it? 921 00:55:03,781 --> 00:55:07,221 Who's put a health and safety thing on it? 922 00:55:09,661 --> 00:55:12,181 I've used it all now. 923 00:55:12,181 --> 00:55:13,821 James, are you not going to get out? 924 00:55:13,821 --> 00:55:15,621 I can't. It takes half an hour. 925 00:55:15,621 --> 00:55:17,821 'Hammond then found another extinguisher 926 00:55:17,821 --> 00:55:21,101 'but unfortunately, there was a height issue.' 927 00:55:22,621 --> 00:55:23,701 That's not working. 928 00:55:23,701 --> 00:55:26,861 Left a bit. Right. No, the other way, the other way! 929 00:55:26,861 --> 00:55:28,101 The other way! 930 00:55:28,101 --> 00:55:31,741 This is all working terribly well. I think mine is going to be ready quite soon, 931 00:55:31,741 --> 00:55:36,421 but we won't have anywhere to eat it because I believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room, 932 00:55:36,421 --> 00:55:38,301 which has just burned down. 933 00:55:39,301 --> 00:55:40,821 Ooh, not good. 934 00:55:40,821 --> 00:55:43,741 He's actually set fire to metal. 935 00:55:43,741 --> 00:55:45,261 How has he done that? 936 00:55:48,341 --> 00:55:50,981 'We decided to abandon the cooking 937 00:55:50,981 --> 00:55:54,701 'and cracked open a liquid supper instead.' 938 00:55:56,221 --> 00:55:59,741 That's the first time we've seen the sun, gentlemen, since we... 939 00:55:59,741 --> 00:56:03,701 Well, that makes it worthwhile, doesn't it? That's not bad. Listen. 940 00:56:05,341 --> 00:56:07,981 All you can hear is just the creaking of the embers 941 00:56:07,981 --> 00:56:10,981 in his burning motorhome. Yeah, just my fire. 942 00:56:20,421 --> 00:56:22,421 SHEEP BAA 943 00:56:22,421 --> 00:56:25,341 Just get out! And you! Out! Out! 944 00:56:29,381 --> 00:56:31,181 Oh, God, look at it. 945 00:56:33,501 --> 00:56:35,981 'And on that note...' 946 00:56:57,781 --> 00:57:01,701 'After James had failed to wipe his bottom with any dignity, 947 00:57:01,741 --> 00:57:04,461 'we decided to go to a nearby beauty spot.' 948 00:57:04,461 --> 00:57:07,621 James May. Jeremy Clarkson. 949 00:57:07,621 --> 00:57:11,501 What's it like, driving around under a bucket of your own faeces? 950 00:57:11,501 --> 00:57:15,061 Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? 951 00:57:19,701 --> 00:57:23,501 Aaaaargh! 952 00:57:23,501 --> 00:57:26,501 'As we drove along, we began to realise 953 00:57:26,501 --> 00:57:30,341 'that our motorhoming holiday hadn't been a great success.' 954 00:57:31,341 --> 00:57:32,501 I'm exhausted. 955 00:57:32,501 --> 00:57:34,701 I'm also pretty cold now. 956 00:57:34,701 --> 00:57:36,581 I don't think I'm going to make it. 957 00:57:36,581 --> 00:57:39,621 Just leave me behind, I'll only slow you up. 958 00:57:39,621 --> 00:57:42,101 I don't know why I said that. They will. 959 00:57:45,181 --> 00:57:47,381 Covered in egg and crisps and Spam juice. 960 00:57:47,381 --> 00:57:50,141 I haven't shaved, I haven't had a proper wash for three days. 961 00:57:50,141 --> 00:57:54,501 The thing about this exercise is that it helps you to appreciate 962 00:57:54,501 --> 00:57:56,781 the basic amenities of home life. 963 00:57:56,781 --> 00:58:00,021 You know, a tap, a chair. 964 00:58:01,181 --> 00:58:03,661 'What's more, the speed of Jeremy's motorhome 965 00:58:03,661 --> 00:58:07,821 'meant that everyone else's holiday was ruined, too.' 966 00:58:07,821 --> 00:58:10,861 That's a big queue. I'm embarrassed. 967 00:58:10,861 --> 00:58:15,701 That's a really long queue. I don't think we've sped up caravanning, have we? 968 00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:24,661 'Eventually, we made it to the beauty spot.' 969 00:58:27,221 --> 00:58:30,581 Oh, yeah. Now THAT is a view. This is more like it, yeah. 970 00:58:32,101 --> 00:58:35,501 I think it's fabulous. Yeah, this is all right. 971 00:58:35,501 --> 00:58:38,741 Right now I'm quite enjoying motor caravanning. Yeah, I'm enjoying it. 972 00:58:38,741 --> 00:58:42,461 It's the first time since we set off that motorhoming is making sense. 973 00:58:42,461 --> 00:58:44,661 Guys. What? 974 00:58:44,661 --> 00:58:46,501 There's a pub down there. 975 00:58:46,501 --> 00:58:51,741 Yes, very nice. I'm going to the pub. I'm going for an ice cream. Will you bring one back? 976 00:58:51,741 --> 00:58:56,101 I've been thinking about ice cream for three days. I'll bring you back an ice cream 977 00:58:56,101 --> 00:58:59,101 and then everyone will go, "They really do get on, those three." 978 00:58:59,101 --> 00:59:01,221 Yeah, OK. 979 00:59:01,221 --> 00:59:06,461 'While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.' 980 00:59:06,461 --> 00:59:09,461 See where it drops away at the edge of the cliff? 981 00:59:09,461 --> 00:59:13,901 If we pushed his car there and just park it on the edge, 982 00:59:13,901 --> 00:59:16,501 he won't be able to go forwards, obviously. 983 00:59:16,501 --> 00:59:20,461 No, I know what you're thinking. Never back it up. That's brilliant. 984 00:59:20,461 --> 00:59:24,661 Go on, stick it down there. He'll see it from the bottom and he'll see the tower on the edge. 985 00:59:24,661 --> 00:59:25,861 He's taken the... 986 00:59:25,861 --> 00:59:27,621 Well, push it, push it, push it. 987 00:59:31,821 --> 00:59:33,141 That's good. 988 00:59:34,621 --> 00:59:37,301 Mmm. That's very good. 989 00:59:37,301 --> 00:59:39,101 Handbrake's off. 990 00:59:39,101 --> 00:59:41,981 Just get it right to the edge. Yeah, yeah. 991 00:59:41,981 --> 00:59:43,581 I reckon if we... 992 00:59:43,581 --> 00:59:45,781 Hang on. Oh, BLEEP. 993 00:59:45,781 --> 00:59:48,981 In weather like this, among scenery like that, 994 00:59:48,981 --> 00:59:51,981 holidaying in England - 995 00:59:51,981 --> 00:59:54,661 even in a motorhome - does make sense. 996 00:59:54,661 --> 00:59:57,221 CRASHING 997 00:59:57,221 --> 00:59:59,301 Is that all right? 998 00:59:59,301 --> 01:00:00,821 What? 999 01:00:06,941 --> 01:00:08,461 What's that? 1000 01:00:09,861 --> 01:00:11,901 APPLAUSE 1001 01:00:17,221 --> 01:00:18,901 You ruined it. 1002 01:00:21,341 --> 01:00:25,101 You ruined my Citroen grand design and you ruined it on purpose. 1003 01:00:25,101 --> 01:00:26,461 It was his idea. 1004 01:00:26,461 --> 01:00:29,581 It wasn't! We saw in the film, you did it. 1005 01:00:29,581 --> 01:00:33,261 You pushed it off the cliff cos you knew it was best and you're a sore loser. 1006 01:00:33,261 --> 01:00:35,141 Jeremy, it wasn't the best, mate. 1007 01:00:35,141 --> 01:00:37,461 It had a top speed of two and it fell over. 1008 01:00:37,461 --> 01:00:39,541 You couldn't even wipe your bottom in yours. 1009 01:00:39,541 --> 01:00:43,821 Yeah, exactly. You could wipe thousands of bottoms in mine, which is why it was the best. 1010 01:00:43,821 --> 01:00:48,621 Wiping your bottom is not the only criterion for judging a successful motorhome. 1011 01:00:48,621 --> 01:00:51,021 Whatever. Point is mine was brilliant, and you know it. 1012 01:00:51,021 --> 01:00:53,501 It wasn't. It wasn't, actually. Exactly. 1013 01:00:53,501 --> 01:00:58,221 In fact, we really haven't reinvented the motorhome at all, have we? No, I'm afraid we haven't. 1014 01:00:58,221 --> 01:01:02,741 And once again, and as usual, we've completely wasted your evening. Sorry. Yes. 1015 01:01:02,741 --> 01:01:05,301 And as a result of our wretched failure, 1016 01:01:05,301 --> 01:01:10,341 Britain will continue to be strangled by the glass-fibre menace of the caravan 1017 01:01:10,341 --> 01:01:14,981 until we all suffocate and die pointless and agonising deaths. 1018 01:01:14,981 --> 01:01:17,301 Nice to have a plan - that's the main thing. 1019 01:01:17,301 --> 01:01:20,861 On that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you for watching. Goodnight. 1020 01:01:40,421 --> 01:01:43,461 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 1021 01:01:43,461 --> 01:01:46,501 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk