1 00:00:34,744 --> 00:00:49,316 Hello, hello, thank you, Now, there are lambs in the fields 2 00:00:49,356 --> 00:00:53,644 £2,000 and told us we had to spend the cars we'd bought down 3 00:00:53,684 --> 00:00:59,768 where we'd be given a number of challenges. 4 00:00:59,808 --> 00:01:02,240 This is what I bought. 5 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:06,832 It's a 1987 BMW 325i convertible. 6 00:01:06,872 --> 00:01:10,204 According to the mileometer it's done 94,000 miles which means the one 7 00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:14,736 thing you can be sure of is it hasn't done 94,000 miles. 8 00:01:14,776 --> 00:01:17,240 But on the face of it, pretty solid car. 9 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,736 Best of all, it only cost £1,600. 10 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,424 CAR HORN HONKS Oh! 11 00:01:23,464 --> 00:01:26,172 Oh, no. 12 00:01:26,212 --> 00:01:29,488 That's awkward. 13 00:01:29,528 --> 00:01:31,844 That is a 3... Yes. 14 00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,000 32... Yeah. 15 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,472 325? Yes. 16 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,784 325. Yes. 17 00:01:36,824 --> 00:01:38,092 How old? 18 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:41,048 '87. '88. How much? 1,600. 19 00:01:41,088 --> 00:01:43,504 19,950! 20 00:01:43,544 --> 00:01:45,316 How many miles? 21 00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:47,092 94, it says. And? 22 00:01:47,132 --> 00:01:50,608 This "says" 137,000 miles. 23 00:01:50,648 --> 00:01:54,908 I'm pretty pleased with this, at least they didn't fit stupid after-market wheels on it unlike... 24 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:59,248 Mine. Yours comes from a good area, I can tell. Anyone who's got these. 25 00:01:59,288 --> 00:02:02,752 Extra locks. They don't live in Bourton-on-the-Water, do they? 26 00:02:02,792 --> 00:02:05,000 It's not a Cotswoldian feature, no. 27 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,284 More St Pauls in Bristol, I'm thinking. Yeah. 28 00:02:07,324 --> 00:02:10,564 This is, well, just superb. 29 00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:13,624 So many different shades ofblack on there, it's unbelievable. 30 00:02:13,664 --> 00:02:16,064 He's taken care of his car. 31 00:02:16,104 --> 00:02:19,128 Oh ho ho! There, you need that. 32 00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:21,936 Was he delivering paving slabs one at a time? No. 33 00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:25,220 Why is that there? Because it improves handling. 34 00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:29,624 'At this point, James arrived in his four-seater convertible.' 35 00:02:29,664 --> 00:02:35,500 Oh, dear. Oh! 36 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:40,284 Oh, God! I don't suppose by any happy chance that's the 318, is it? 37 00:02:40,324 --> 00:02:43,408 It's a 325, sir. Yours? 38 00:02:43,448 --> 00:02:45,880 325. Is it? Yes. 39 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,408 325, yes. 40 00:02:47,448 --> 00:02:49,656 What year is yours? 1989. 41 00:02:49,696 --> 00:02:51,624 How much did you pay? £1,900. 42 00:02:51,664 --> 00:02:55,500 Yours looks pretty standard. It is. - Except for the rust obviously. 43 00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,316 Mine's nice. 44 00:02:57,356 --> 00:02:59,880 Don't do that! I've just fixed that. 45 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,956 I barely touched it! 46 00:03:02,996 --> 00:03:07,908 'So none of us had bought an Audi or a Ford or a Merc and that looked like a cock-up. 47 00:03:07,948 --> 00:03:11,528 'But then I realised that actually, - it wasn't.' 48 00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,564 I think this is brilliant. 49 00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:15,908 Well, not really. We've got the same car. 50 00:03:15,948 --> 00:03:18,880 We're always being asked, people come up to us and say is a Golf 51 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:22,220 a good used purchase, or a Volvo or whatever and we always say it depends. 52 00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,752 So what we've got here are three cars, 53 00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,888 they were made in the same factory by the same robots 54 00:03:27,928 --> 00:03:32,220 at roughly the same time and they've all been driven in the same - country by the same sort of people. 55 00:03:32,260 --> 00:03:35,248 So they should be the same. Ah. 56 00:03:35,288 --> 00:03:39,248 But I bet you, I bet you they aren't. 57 00:03:39,288 --> 00:03:43,812 'So we decided to bin the challenges the producers had devised 58 00:03:43,852 --> 00:03:47,188 'and dream up some of our own.' 59 00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:48,936 Where's Hammond? 60 00:03:48,976 --> 00:03:51,128 Don't know, I think we've lost him already. 61 00:03:51,168 --> 00:03:54,812 CAR IGNITION FAILING,CAR ALARM SOUNDS 62 00:03:54,852 --> 00:04:00,408 JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH 63 00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:03,596 No, listen, it's... Let me hear that sound again. 64 00:04:03,636 --> 00:04:05,472 CAR ALARM SOUNDS 65 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,880 Oh, dear. It keeps doing that. 66 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,784 JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH 67 00:04:11,824 --> 00:04:15,160 Stop doing that! 68 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:20,188 'Hammond's cheap after-market alarm matched his cheap after-market wheels.' 69 00:04:20,228 --> 00:04:22,880 They leach into dry rot, they leach into the system. 70 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,172 There's wires going everywhere. Can't you just take it all off? 71 00:04:26,212 --> 00:04:30,064 No. No, because otherwise you could've stolen a car by just taking the alarm off. 72 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:32,092 They weren't that stupid in the '80s. 73 00:04:32,132 --> 00:04:35,216 CAR ALARM SOUNDS That's got it. 74 00:04:35,256 --> 00:04:38,468 'Jeremy and I decided to abandon Hammond and have a race. 75 00:04:38,508 --> 00:04:42,112 'From nought to 100 and then back to nought again, 76 00:04:42,152 --> 00:04:45,936 'so that we could test our cars' power and brakes.' 77 00:04:45,976 --> 00:04:50,344 Here are the vital statistics. 2.5 litre straight-six, 170hp, 78 00:04:50,384 --> 00:04:52,688 at least when it was new, it may have lost a few. 79 00:04:52,728 --> 00:04:56,936 Jeremy has a 2.5 litre straight-six with 170 horsepower, 80 00:04:56,976 --> 00:04:59,656 or at least when it was new, he may have lost a few since then. 81 00:04:59,696 --> 00:05:05,656 The difference, he's got a big slab of concrete in the boot. 82 00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:08,092 It's not the paving stone in the back I'm worried about, 83 00:05:08,132 --> 00:05:10,328 it's the automatic gearbox. 84 00:05:10,368 --> 00:05:21,216 Doing a drag race with an auto is like doing a 100 metre sprint in wellies. Full of tadpoles. 85 00:05:21,256 --> 00:05:24,656 Yes! 86 00:05:24,696 --> 00:05:28,032 Bit of steering wheel wobble coming in. 87 00:05:28,072 --> 00:05:31,688 No concrete is the answer. 88 00:05:31,728 --> 00:05:36,624 There we go, nought to 60, that was about 25 seconds. 89 00:05:36,664 --> 00:05:45,596 RICHARD'S CAR ALARM SOUNDS,FAILS TO START 90 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:49,936 90! 91 00:05:49,976 --> 00:05:55,528 Must be able to do 100. 92 00:05:55,568 --> 00:05:58,000 And there it is. 93 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,528 There it is. 94 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:04,092 No brakes, no brakes. 95 00:06:04,132 --> 00:06:06,780 It's just not stopping. 96 00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:11,188 Please, stop! 97 00:06:11,228 --> 00:06:16,624 'The gap between our supposedly identical BMWs was staggering.' 98 00:06:16,664 --> 00:06:21,064 77, 78, 79, 80, 81. 99 00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:24,752 281 yards. 100 00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:27,440 There is another conclusion we can draw from this. Which is what? 101 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,188 That as you'd expect, I've done this properly and I've 102 00:06:30,228 --> 00:06:33,656 proved myself to be better than you at buying second-hand BMWs. 103 00:06:33,696 --> 00:06:36,408 Well, your brakes are better. 104 00:06:36,448 --> 00:06:39,312 And my engine's better and my gearbox is better. 105 00:06:39,352 --> 00:06:41,216 Speed isn't everything. 106 00:06:41,256 --> 00:06:43,216 Is it not? 107 00:06:43,256 --> 00:06:46,280 RICHARD'S CAR ALARMCONTINUES TO SOUND 108 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:51,656 After the race, we got Hammond's car going again. 109 00:06:51,696 --> 00:06:54,704 And went to a Waking The Dead-style- forensics lab 110 00:06:54,744 --> 00:07:00,468 to find out in great detail what sort of life our cars had had. 111 00:07:00,508 --> 00:07:04,624 You know the company we're using to do this... Mm-hm. 112 00:07:04,664 --> 00:07:07,596 ..Are called Manlove Forensics. 113 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,688 Are they? They are. No, they are. 114 00:07:09,728 --> 00:07:11,344 Why are they called that? 115 00:07:11,384 --> 00:07:14,032 Yeah, the boss is called John Manlove. 116 00:07:14,072 --> 00:07:17,484 Oh. Not many fond school-day memories for him, I bet. 117 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:22,264 They've actually already discovered - that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham. 118 00:07:22,304 --> 00:07:26,280 What, they can tell that just from swabbing the seats? 119 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,544 No, they found this letter in the footwell. 120 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:35,392 Oh, yes. Addresses to Jamir Masjid, it's from a mosque in Birmingham. 121 00:07:35,432 --> 00:07:38,124 They're good, they are good. They're good. 122 00:07:38,164 --> 00:07:42,640 'But the test they were doing went far beyond looking for old envelopes.' 123 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,608 Do you know what I'm most worried they'll find in my car? 124 00:07:45,648 --> 00:07:48,360 What? Gentlemen's relish. 125 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,828 I quite like gentlemen's relish. 126 00:07:50,868 --> 00:07:54,688 Oh, you don't mean the stuff from the jar. 127 00:07:54,728 --> 00:07:58,952 'After many hours, the boss came over with the results.' 128 00:07:58,992 --> 00:08:01,420 Hi, I'm John Manlove. Can we stick to John? 129 00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:04,108 Otherwise we're just going to get giggles. 130 00:08:04,148 --> 00:08:06,092 This vehicle here. This is mine. 131 00:08:06,132 --> 00:08:10,264 This had crisp fragments in it. Crisps is fine, nobody's worried about that. 132 00:08:10,304 --> 00:08:13,672 There was a little bit of vegetation. Leaves? 133 00:08:13,712 --> 00:08:16,856 Bits-and-pieces such as that and some flakes of skin. 134 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,688 There'll be mine. 135 00:08:18,728 --> 00:08:21,732 So that's not too bad then. No, not too bad, fairly standard. 136 00:08:21,772 --> 00:08:24,048 Let's move on, James's car. 137 00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,312 Lots of skin in this one. 138 00:08:26,352 --> 00:08:30,484 Including some nice, large flakes of yellowish skin with some blood staining on. 139 00:08:30,524 --> 00:08:32,672 A scab! Somebody's picked a scab in your car. 140 00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:35,640 Full of scabs. Go on. Seriously? 141 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:39,920 Anything else worth note? Quite a lot of nasal mucus. 142 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,108 That's bogies, he's talking about bogies. 143 00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:44,328 Were they smeared on the seat or the sun visor? 144 00:08:44,368 --> 00:08:46,296 Little balls in the footwell. 145 00:08:46,336 --> 00:08:47,968 Shall I just finish James's car? 146 00:08:48,008 --> 00:08:50,516 Was there more? The last one was that the steering wheel was stained 147 00:08:50,556 --> 00:08:55,528 with a chemical that can be present - in high quantities in saliva. 148 00:08:55,568 --> 00:09:00,372 Gob. So basically if you're talking and driving, that's what you may well expect. 149 00:09:00,412 --> 00:09:03,936 So Roy Hattersley owned it? Picked his scabs off, spat all over your steering wheel 150 00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:07,108 and dropped bogies in large quantities in your footwell. 151 00:09:07,148 --> 00:09:10,448 I don't even want to look at your car now! 152 00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:13,876 But then Mr Manlove came to Hammond's car. 153 00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:19,388 First of all, there was some black sports type-tape with what turned out to be blood staining on it. 154 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:22,808 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sports tape with blood on the end of it? 155 00:09:22,848 --> 00:09:25,296 Somebody's been bound. And murdered. 156 00:09:25,336 --> 00:09:28,688 Again the steering wheel had what appeared to be saliva staining on it. 157 00:09:28,728 --> 00:09:36,236 And lastly, we had pubic hairs and faeces present. 158 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:41,780 I'm sorry, did you say the word "faeces"? What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yes. 159 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,088 That's poo, isn't it? 160 00:09:43,128 --> 00:09:45,720 That's poo. Your car's got poo in it. 161 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,420 Is that normal? 162 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:52,968 It's like driving around in a Moroccan prison, isn't it, really? In the front of his car. 163 00:09:53,008 --> 00:10:01,000 'After the forensic tests, my colleagues were very distressed.' 164 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:04,136 Oh, God. 165 00:10:04,176 --> 00:10:08,360 So we decided to pull over and see which of our cars- was the most thief-proof. 166 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:14,236 This meant finding some thieves who insisted that we pixelate their faces. 167 00:10:14,276 --> 00:10:21,156 Unfortunately the pixelating was done by a man who'd just had his car nicked. 168 00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:23,592 Our thieves with the pixelated... 169 00:10:23,632 --> 00:10:29,624 chests will now see how quickly they can break into - the cars and drive them away. 170 00:10:29,664 --> 00:10:32,156 Are you ready, chaps? Here we go. 171 00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:36,856 Three, two, one, go! 172 00:10:36,896 --> 00:10:40,936 'I felt sure at this point that thanks to the double locks and the immobiliser, 173 00:10:40,976 --> 00:10:44,136 'my car would finally start to come good.' 174 00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,184 I think you'll find they'll take a while getting in. 175 00:10:47,224 --> 00:10:50,328 He's into mine. Oh, he's into yours! 176 00:10:50,368 --> 00:10:56,688 Yeah, but even though... OK, he's in, but I think you'll find... 177 00:10:56,728 --> 00:11:01,080 HE STARTS CAR,CAR ALARM SOUNDS 178 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,388 That's ridiculous! That was honestly, 179 00:11:04,428 --> 00:11:07,404 that was just no time. 180 00:11:07,444 --> 00:11:16,156 Your car is now on a cross-Channel ferry on its way to Uzbekistan. 181 00:11:16,196 --> 00:11:19,044 It really is quite tense now. Come on, Jeremy's thief. 182 00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:20,700 Come on, James's thief. 183 00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:23,156 Come on, Jeremy's thief. 184 00:11:23,196 --> 00:11:27,388 However after 20 minutes, both our cars were still where we'd left them. 185 00:11:27,428 --> 00:11:32,124 So we decided to call it a draw. 186 00:11:32,164 --> 00:11:35,932 Unsurprisingly, the thief decided to return my car which meant he could 187 00:11:35,972 --> 00:11:40,028 explain the reason it was so easy to-steal is the ignition barrel is all 188 00:11:40,068 --> 00:11:47,264 worn smooth inside so you could start it with the handle of a teaspoon or a lollipop stick. 189 00:11:47,304 --> 00:11:51,840 I think it has done more than 94,000 miles. 190 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:57,280 So far then we'd proved that our identical cars were in fact completely different. 191 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:57,328 And that Hammond's was full of someone else's pubic hair. 192 00:11:57,368 --> 00:12:00,464 APPLAUSE 193 00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:01,952 And that Hammond's was full of someone else's pubic hair. 194 00:12:01,992 --> 00:12:06,264 APPLAUSE 195 00:12:06,304 --> 00:12:09,200 I've washed my hands, I've washed my hands. 196 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,080 I mean, honestly... Not nice. 197 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,808 Just knowing that. Isn't it extraordinary when 198 00:12:15,848 --> 00:12:20,280 you buy a used car, you'll do checks-to make sure the gearbox is working, 199 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:25,216 the differential isn't all brokenbut you don't do anything to check the state of the interior. 200 00:12:25,256 --> 00:12:29,416 It's really weird because I could cope if I thought a car had missed a service or two 201 00:12:29,456 --> 00:12:36,720 or something like that but once I found out that one was full of nasal mucus, I'd have walked away. 202 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,292 Has anyone here bought a used car recently? 203 00:12:40,332 --> 00:12:43,136 Nobody's bought a used car? 204 00:12:43,176 --> 00:12:44,668 So you bought a used car? 205 00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:47,368 Yes. And did you check it out for... 206 00:12:47,408 --> 00:12:52,136 Scabs? Scabs? Blood? No. Faeces? Nothing, no. 207 00:12:52,176 --> 00:12:54,292 You're from Liverpool? Liverpool. 208 00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:57,796 I said bought, anyone here bought! 209 00:12:57,836 --> 00:13:00,684 Oh, here we go again! You have? 210 00:13:00,724 --> 00:13:03,528 Did you check out if it's got any finance owing on it? 211 00:13:03,568 --> 00:13:06,436 Finance. You did finance, you did checks on the mechanical components? 212 00:13:06,476 --> 00:13:11,044 I did. Did you see if there were anybody else's bottom mushrooms growing in the carpet? 213 00:13:11,084 --> 00:13:15,700 No. You didn't. I'm very surprised, - I'm really quite surprised. Anyway we're going to pick it up later on. 214 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,808 Now we ought to do the news. 215 00:13:17,848 --> 00:13:20,216 Can I just talk about speed cameras, does anybody mind? 216 00:13:20,256 --> 00:13:22,904 You know Oxfordshire Council announced recently, last year, 217 00:13:22,944 --> 00:13:25,280 it would turn all the speed cameras - off and when they said that, 218 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,312 all the road safety groups were running around saying 219 00:13:27,352 --> 00:13:30,952 everybody will be dead in ten minutes as a result of this. 220 00:13:30,992 --> 00:13:35,496 Well, six months have now elapsed and the road safety groups are saying they don't know 221 00:13:35,536 --> 00:13:38,464 what effect the switch-off has had on accident figures. 222 00:13:38,504 --> 00:13:42,748 How can they not know? They say they're not in yet. 223 00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:46,436 But I always know pretty much immediately when I've had an accident. 224 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:50,368 There are clues, big noise, sudden stop, that sort of thing. 225 00:13:50,408 --> 00:13:52,840 The thing is they may not know but I do because I've done some digging. 226 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,248 In a three-month period in 2009, when the cameras were on, 227 00:13:55,288 --> 00:13:58,728 there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites. 228 00:13:58,768 --> 00:14:02,136 In the same three-month period when the cameras were switched off 229 00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:06,028 in 2010, there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites. 230 00:14:06,068 --> 00:14:09,216 No difference. No difference at all. 231 00:14:09,256 --> 00:14:14,932 What about fatalities? Fatalities, there were none with the cameras on and none with the cameras off. 232 00:14:14,972 --> 00:14:20,528 Really? What's interesting about this is that you'd think this made no difference and saved the council 233 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:24,808 a fortune by getting rid of the speed cameras. They're now saying the police are going to take over 234 00:14:24,848 --> 00:14:30,324 running them and turn them back on again in April. I thought they said - they couldn't afford to run them? 235 00:14:30,364 --> 00:14:33,120 No, the police are doing it. 236 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:38,624 But this is very good news because that must mean they've solved all the other crimes. What, the police? 237 00:14:38,664 --> 00:14:44,608 Actually, they haven't solved them all but they have caught that bloke - who nicked the lead off my roof. 238 00:14:44,648 --> 00:14:47,388 You had lead stolen from your roof? 239 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:54,136 All of it. Only you would be the victim of a crime from the 1950s. 240 00:14:54,176 --> 00:14:58,212 Was the villain chased by a black and white policeman blowing a whistle by any chance? 241 00:14:58,252 --> 00:15:01,184 Yes. Was he driving a Ford Zephyr? 242 00:15:01,224 --> 00:15:07,388 The thing is I live in Oxfordshire and I was burgled recently and they haven't caught her yet. Her? 243 00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:12,280 I'm not sexist. Nice touch. Good work. 244 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,184 See? We're not. 245 00:15:15,224 --> 00:15:20,728 You might have seen in the news Formula One driver Robert Kubicainjured horribly in a rally crash. 246 00:15:20,768 --> 00:15:24,248 He probably won't be watching but his family in Poland might be 247 00:15:24,288 --> 00:15:27,700 and we did want to say we wish youall the very best, hope you recoversoon and get back behind the wheel. 248 00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:30,136 Yes, he's a terrific driver, really is, Robert, and I'm 249 00:15:30,176 --> 00:15:33,684 sure everybody here will join in wishing him a very speedy recovery. 250 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,872 Yeah, we do. Get well soon. 251 00:15:35,912 --> 00:15:42,044 APPLAUSE 252 00:15:42,084 --> 00:15:44,436 I'd like, if you don't mind, to talk about magpies. 253 00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:46,416 It's a car show, Jeremy. 254 00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:51,760 Bear with me, because there's an organisation called the Songbird Survival Trust. 255 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,292 They're calling for a cull on magpies. 256 00:15:54,332 --> 00:15:57,416 They're not calling it a cull, they're saying they want to do an experiment. 257 00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:01,212 Is it an experiment to see what happens to a magpie if you fire a shotgun at it? 258 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,028 Yes, it is, basically. 259 00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:06,152 I agree with them on this but for different reasons. They say if you get rid of magpies then we'll 260 00:16:06,192 --> 00:16:11,152 have more songbirds because magpies - eat songbirds but there's a better reason than that I can think of. 261 00:16:11,192 --> 00:16:14,776 Magpies are a menace to road safety. 262 00:16:14,816 --> 00:16:19,888 They look like they'd be bad don'tthey? Stupid idiot, listen, drivers, - I'm not a superstitious man. 263 00:16:19,928 --> 00:16:23,448 I can walk under a ladder, put my head in a lion's mouth. 264 00:16:23,488 --> 00:16:26,480 That's not a superstition, you idiot, it's a bad idea. 265 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:30,696 I can put a hat on my new shoes, all those things but I do salute magpies. OK? 266 00:16:30,736 --> 00:16:34,388 The problem is because the magpie is the only bird in Britain these days, 267 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:37,808 you're just driving along doing this the whole time. 268 00:16:37,848 --> 00:16:42,464 No, you don't just salute, if yousee a single magpie, one on its own,-you have to say "morning, captain" 269 00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:47,200 three times. Morning, captain,morning, captain, morning, captain,salute three times, spit three times, 270 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,496 touch your right elbow with your left hand, one, two, three times 271 00:16:50,536 --> 00:16:53,400 and then lick your thumb and make a cross in the top right-hand corner of the windscreen. 272 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:57,668 You don't have to do that. You do. Do you do that when you see a magpie? Every single time. 273 00:16:57,708 --> 00:17:01,728 It's quite a faff and it'sdifficult on the bike but I do it. Morning, captain... 274 00:17:01,768 --> 00:17:06,292 one, two, three, and then you carry on. 275 00:17:06,332 --> 00:17:10,152 You've both got that completely wrong because what you're supposed to do, 276 00:17:10,192 --> 00:17:14,136 it's only the first magpie of the day and you salute and say "morning, Mr Magpie", 277 00:17:14,176 --> 00:17:16,640 and you don't do it in the afternoon because that's bad luck 278 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:17,932 and you don't do the second one... 279 00:17:17,972 --> 00:17:23,588 Rubbish! How do you know it's the first magpie of the day? You don't join the Village People. 280 00:17:23,628 --> 00:17:25,796 Is anyone here Jewish? 281 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,168 Yep. You are, where's Jewish, hands up? 282 00:17:28,208 --> 00:17:30,416 You are? Do you know what we're talking about? 283 00:17:30,456 --> 00:17:34,544 Yeah, Newcastle. No, no, no. 284 00:17:34,584 --> 00:17:37,980 It's not Newcastle, I know where you're going with that. 285 00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:40,640 It's just that our studio director's Jewish and has no idea what we're 286 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,260 talking about because he said, perhaps Jews don't do it. 287 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,640 Is anyone else Jewish who has no clue? 288 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:49,200 You're Jewish, and do you salute magpies? No, but we know about it. 289 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,040 You know about it but you don't do it? Interesting. 290 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,232 So it could be a religious thing. I don't know. 291 00:17:54,272 --> 00:17:57,932 Do Jewish people have more road accidents as a result of magpies? No, fewer. 292 00:17:57,972 --> 00:18:03,324 Jewish people will have fewer road accidents because they're not spending all day long doing this. 293 00:18:03,364 --> 00:18:05,948 Anyway, look. To cut to the point here, 294 00:18:05,988 --> 00:18:11,088 whether you do my simple salute which is correct, or his full Morris dance... 295 00:18:11,128 --> 00:18:12,480 Can't be too careful. 296 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,244 We need to stop it because the advantages are huge 297 00:18:15,284 --> 00:18:20,356 because if you get rid of magpies, you have more songbirds so the air sounds nicer. 298 00:18:20,396 --> 00:18:23,200 You've got tits and... Why did I say tits? 299 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,760 Sparrows and all that sort of thing and that'd be brilliant 300 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,464 plus we don't have to do that and that'll make the roads safer. 301 00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:37,232 There we are, Top Gear Top Tip, kill all magpies and kill them now. 302 00:18:37,272 --> 00:18:41,808 Who told you about the eyes and ears and nose and chin?I've accumulated them over the years. 303 00:18:41,848 --> 00:18:45,480 For God's sake, nobody tell me any more that I have to do or I'll add them to my routine. 304 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,288 What you have to do... No! Take your trousers down, 305 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:54,932 look at somebody in the next car, preferably a van driver, and go... That's a tradition. 306 00:18:54,972 --> 00:18:56,920 Hey, listen, listen. 307 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:02,792 There's a new lightweight Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder has come along. Here it is. 308 00:19:02,832 --> 00:19:06,200 It's called the Performante. That's - going to cost you a hundred and... 309 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,416 I can't read that. What's that say? 310 00:19:08,456 --> 00:19:11,400 You poor, knackered old goat. 311 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,212 £188,000. £188,000. 312 00:19:14,252 --> 00:19:20,964 Top speed I do know. 201 mph. Is that possibly the best-looking car in production right now? 313 00:19:21,004 --> 00:19:23,056 It is a fantastic-looking car. 314 00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:28,948 The problem is it's getting quite old and compared to the Ferrari 458, it just feels old fashioned. 315 00:19:28,988 --> 00:19:31,696 The thing is, this isn't just a duel now between the Italians, 316 00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:34,544 because the British have moved in with a new McLaren. 317 00:19:34,584 --> 00:19:39,560 Yes, it's called the MP4-12C. 318 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:44,544 We've got it here in the studio and - this is the first time we've been able to have a proper look at it. 319 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:49,696 It has McLaren's own engine, a 3.8 litre twin-turbo V8. 320 00:19:49,736 --> 00:19:54,260 It also has very sophisticated computer-controlled suspension. 321 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:58,760 And, most interestingly, it was tested here at the Top Gear test track. 322 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:03,212 We should stress we had nothing to do with the testing or development of it at all. 323 00:20:03,252 --> 00:20:08,696 No, nothing whatsoever. The thing that bothers me, Hammond, is I've driven the 458 a lot, as you know. 324 00:20:08,736 --> 00:20:11,728 I love it and I cannot see how this can be better. 325 00:20:11,768 --> 00:20:14,056 I know, but what if it is? 326 00:20:14,096 --> 00:20:18,056 There are a few pointers. For one thing, it's cheaper than the 458. 327 00:20:18,096 --> 00:20:23,492 You can't get in! I can.It's also more powerful, 592 brakehorse power, which is 30 or so more. 328 00:20:23,532 --> 00:20:29,152 These are good signs. I like it in here because they've made the steering wheel the steering wheel. 329 00:20:29,192 --> 00:20:33,368 They haven't fallen into that trap of putting buttons all over it to make it feel like Formula 1. 330 00:20:33,408 --> 00:20:37,432 They don't make you choose on your instrument panel between the speedometer and the sat nav 331 00:20:37,472 --> 00:20:42,920 like Ferrari do. All that stuff they put here, and your music, on a sort of iPad thing in the middle. 332 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,964 It's a fantastic place to be. 333 00:20:46,004 --> 00:20:52,040 My only problem with this really is, - I like a supercar to look a bit crazy, a bit mad, like a Zonda. 334 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,008 If you ask me, this is sort of plain. 335 00:20:55,048 --> 00:20:57,168 You say Zonda, but which Zonda do you mean? 336 00:20:57,208 --> 00:21:03,088 Well, the Pagani Zonda as opposedto the Kia Zonda or the Ford Zonda. 337 00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:09,184 No, you see, over the years, there have been thousands of them. 338 00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:14,604 The saga began 12 years ago when Pagani launched this - Genesis. 339 00:21:14,644 --> 00:21:19,948 The very brilliant and very dramatic C12. 340 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:24,744 A year later, they introduced a slightly faster version called the C12S, 341 00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,868 and we saw that it was good. 342 00:21:27,908 --> 00:21:33,288 Then there was the Roadster S and the Monza, and the F, 343 00:21:33,328 --> 00:21:36,320 and the F Roadster. 344 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:43,744 And then, just when we thought every angle had been explored, the F Clubsport. 345 00:21:43,784 --> 00:21:49,432 We imagined that this would be the final Zonda, the final encore. 346 00:21:49,472 --> 00:22:01,616 But we were wrong. 347 00:22:01,656 --> 00:22:09,056 Welcome, everyone, to the Zonda R, the last of the breed. 348 00:22:09,096 --> 00:22:16,088 And by far the most confusing. 349 00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:19,088 It looks like a pure-bred racer, but you can't race it, 350 00:22:19,128 --> 00:22:23,568 because there are rules and regulations in motor sport, 351 00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:28,228 and this meets none of them. And if - you try to take it on the road, 352 00:22:28,268 --> 00:22:32,276 a policeman is going to stop you and say, "Sir, where are your indicators 353 00:22:32,316 --> 00:22:38,808 "and why do you not have any tread on your tyres?" 354 00:22:38,848 --> 00:22:42,256 So if it's not for racing and it's not for the road, 355 00:22:42,296 --> 00:22:44,928 what is it for? 356 00:22:44,968 --> 00:22:54,808 Well, this. 357 00:22:54,848 --> 00:23:00,200 SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY ENGINE 358 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:10,008 Annoyingly, the R is so loud that our team of sound recordists had to have a bit of a rethink. 359 00:23:10,048 --> 00:23:18,432 What I was saying before I had this microphone fitted is, it really is jolly fast. 360 00:23:18,472 --> 00:23:22,492 Very jolly fast! 361 00:23:22,532 --> 00:23:26,868 Nought to 60 takes three seconds. 362 00:23:26,908 --> 00:23:35,840 Top speed? Nobody knows. Definitely more than 230 though. 363 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:44,336 The main reason for all this phenomenalness is the engine. 364 00:23:44,376 --> 00:23:51,604 It's a six-litre Mercedes V12, which produces 740 horsepower. 365 00:23:51,644 --> 00:24:03,744 And it's being used to power a car which weighs less than a Ford Fiesta. 366 00:24:03,784 --> 00:24:13,244 That makes the performance extremely dramatic! 367 00:24:13,284 --> 00:24:19,616 The Zonda R recently blitzed their own record at the Nurburgring. 368 00:24:19,656 --> 00:24:24,288 It got round in six minutes and 47 seconds, 369 00:24:24,328 --> 00:24:32,916 and from where I'm sitting, I cannot work out why it took so long. 370 00:24:32,956 --> 00:24:38,944 I can only assume the driver stopped off halfway round to read a book. 371 00:24:38,984 --> 00:24:47,636 Bruce Forsyth could get this thing round the Nurburgring in less time than that. 372 00:24:47,676 --> 00:24:54,588 All Zondas look like they will be more complicated to drive than spaceships, but they're not. 373 00:24:54,628 --> 00:24:56,288 They're easy. 374 00:24:56,328 --> 00:25:02,088 And because this one has grippy, slick tyres, it's the easiest of the lot. 375 00:25:02,128 --> 00:25:05,088 You can whizz about at top speed 376 00:25:05,128 --> 00:25:08,412 and you've got time and brain power to think, 377 00:25:08,452 --> 00:25:13,508 "I really like the way they've got these air vents laid out." 378 00:25:13,548 --> 00:25:19,928 That's a nice strap, kind of old fashioned and modern all at the same time. 379 00:25:19,968 --> 00:25:24,304 It doesn't really matter if you're not concentrating. 380 00:25:24,344 --> 00:25:26,556 Because it doesn't weigh anything 381 00:25:26,596 --> 00:25:30,460 and because its carbon brakes are so enormous, 382 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:43,488 it will go from 125 mph to a dead stop in 4.3 seconds. 383 00:25:43,528 --> 00:25:47,992 Oh, yeah. Like that. 384 00:25:48,032 --> 00:25:54,804 The only way to stop faster is to hit a tree. 385 00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:59,728 And this is the first Zonda to have- a flappy-paddle gearbox. 386 00:25:59,768 --> 00:26:05,692 It isn't the most refined system in the world, if I'm honest, but it is quick. 387 00:26:05,732 --> 00:26:10,024 And it does mean that when you floor it, you enjoy the fury 388 00:26:10,064 --> 00:26:16,336 and all you have to do when the fury runs out, pull the lever and it starts all over again. 389 00:26:16,376 --> 00:26:23,304 Go! Yeah. Go! Go! Yes, go! 390 00:26:23,344 --> 00:26:27,524 Go, go, go! 391 00:26:27,564 --> 00:26:31,164 This car is fantastic. 392 00:26:31,204 --> 00:26:36,276 An extraordinary example of what can be done when there are no rules. 393 00:26:36,316 --> 00:26:41,444 But for a toy, it is a bit expensive. 394 00:26:41,484 --> 00:26:46,760 The car will cost you £1.46 million, and because most British racetracks 395 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:54,400 have noise limits, which this breaches, you'll need your own. 396 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,524 And the going rate for one of those these days, 397 00:26:57,564 --> 00:27:03,336 about 6 billion. Billion! 398 00:27:03,376 --> 00:27:12,960 One last go, come on. 399 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,088 Honestly, what a machine. 400 00:27:17,128 --> 00:27:20,412 What a machine. 401 00:27:20,452 --> 00:27:26,368 It seems a shame that we wave goodbye to the Zonda with a car that is absolutely brilliant, 402 00:27:26,408 --> 00:27:32,744 but also completely useless. 403 00:27:32,784 --> 00:27:35,648 The people at Pagani obviously thought so too, 404 00:27:35,688 --> 00:27:38,224 because they recently announced 405 00:27:38,264 --> 00:27:42,128 that the R would not be the last Zonda after all. 406 00:27:42,168 --> 00:27:46,916 They would actually finish by making five road-going versions of it. 407 00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:55,788 And then they'd really, definitely finish with five convertible versions of those. 408 00:27:55,828 --> 00:28:02,128 But like a 1970s rock band, they don't seem to be able to end the song, 409 00:28:02,168 --> 00:28:07,332 because they now say that there will be another, one last hurrah. 410 00:28:07,372 --> 00:28:11,488 This is it, the Tricolore. 411 00:28:11,528 --> 00:28:14,804 Named after the Italian Air Force aerobatic squadron, 412 00:28:14,844 --> 00:28:30,052 this too is a quietened down, softer version of the R. 413 00:28:30,092 --> 00:28:33,944 It's heavier, slightly less powerful, 414 00:28:33,984 --> 00:28:38,276 and thanks to normal - oops - road tyres, a lot less grippy. 415 00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:41,488 Ha ha! 416 00:28:41,528 --> 00:28:43,960 Oh, dear. 417 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,148 But it's still a great car. 418 00:28:48,188 --> 00:28:54,960 And still properly, properly fast. 419 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,600 Ho, ho, ho! 420 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:03,896 And because you don't need your own track, it's about 6 billion less than the R. 421 00:29:03,936 --> 00:29:08,680 That makes it good value. 422 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,992 But of course, what makes this 423 00:29:12,032 --> 00:29:17,804 the best value of all is that I'm driving Revelations. 424 00:29:17,844 --> 00:29:22,224 The final encore. 425 00:29:22,264 --> 00:29:24,880 Bye-bye, Zonda. 426 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:42,444 Bye-bye. 427 00:29:42,484 --> 00:29:51,632 APPLAUSE 428 00:29:51,672 --> 00:29:57,768 Poor old Richard Hammond. The Zonda is his favourite car and now it's all gone. 429 00:29:57,808 --> 00:30:01,176 No, actually, because after I made that film, 430 00:30:01,216 --> 00:30:06,412 Zonda announced they would make two more Tricolores. Really? But then it's over? 431 00:30:06,452 --> 00:30:11,896 No, because when they finish doing those, they're going to make a new one called the 750. 432 00:30:11,936 --> 00:30:16,304 Then that's the last Zonda? No, because after that... I'm not joking. 433 00:30:16,344 --> 00:30:19,304 They're doing one called the HH. Then they're going to start 434 00:30:19,344 --> 00:30:22,304 finally building the new car, the... What's it called? 435 00:30:22,344 --> 00:30:26,412 Huarrr... Yeah, that one. Huayra. 436 00:30:26,452 --> 00:30:31,008 While they're dithering about, making up their mind, it's time to find out how fast this one, 437 00:30:31,048 --> 00:30:36,616 the R, goes round our track. Of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver. 438 00:30:36,656 --> 00:30:42,928 Some say his nipples are explosive. 439 00:30:42,968 --> 00:30:46,240 And that he's recently had a Mexican... 440 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:50,024 I mean Brazilian! I mean Brazilian! - Why did I say that? 441 00:30:50,064 --> 00:30:54,960 I'm sorry, Mr Ambassador. Anyway, all we know is he's called the Stig. 442 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:59,804 And he's off. I can't imagine this is going to take very long. 443 00:30:59,844 --> 00:31:04,520 V12 AMG fury powering towards the first corner. Here we are. 444 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,332 So much grip in this car. 445 00:31:07,372 --> 00:31:10,024 It is just gliding through. 446 00:31:10,064 --> 00:31:12,804 Bit of a four-wheel drift there. 447 00:31:12,844 --> 00:31:17,304 No stereo, of course, just 12 cylinders singing. 448 00:31:17,344 --> 00:31:22,116 Actually, not singing, shouting! Actually very wide through Chicago. 449 00:31:22,156 --> 00:31:25,052 How will he attack Hammerhead? 450 00:31:25,092 --> 00:31:31,648 Leaning hard on those incredible brakes. Yes. He's nailed it now. 451 00:31:31,688 --> 00:31:37,816 Yes, he's through. 452 00:31:37,856 --> 00:31:40,504 Really open the taps now. 453 00:31:40,544 --> 00:31:43,692 Cuts a steady throttle through the follow-through. 454 00:31:43,732 --> 00:31:46,912 Unsettled a bit by the bump on the apex. Stig not scared. 455 00:31:46,952 --> 00:31:51,320 Two corners left. It stays so flat. - It actually looks undramatic. 456 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:53,096 Oh, a spit of flame! 457 00:31:53,136 --> 00:31:56,020 Into Gambon and across the line. 458 00:31:56,060 --> 00:32:00,008 APPLAUSE 459 00:32:00,048 --> 00:32:01,760 I have the time here. 460 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:07,536 He did it in 1:26.7. 461 00:32:07,576 --> 00:32:10,144 No! No, I'm lying. 462 00:32:10,184 --> 00:32:13,400 1:8.5. 463 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,504 CHEERING 464 00:32:17,544 --> 00:32:22,816 The thing is, you may remember, a couple of years ago, 465 00:32:22,856 --> 00:32:26,196 Michael Schumacher came here and took a Ferrari FXX round, 466 00:32:26,236 --> 00:32:28,944 which is the same sort of thing as this, OK? 467 00:32:28,984 --> 00:32:32,348 That was 1:10.7. 468 00:32:32,388 --> 00:32:38,128 So that is 2.2 seconds quicker than Schumacher in a Ferrari, on slick tyres as well. 469 00:32:38,168 --> 00:32:42,944 Amazing. Either that car is truly incredible... Or? 470 00:32:42,984 --> 00:32:46,708 The Stig is rather underpaid. 471 00:32:46,748 --> 00:32:50,320 Yes. There's one more thing we have - to do, I'm afraid. Get rid of it. 472 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:55,972 Yes, of course. It's not a road has no place on our board.car. 473 00:32:56,012 --> 00:32:59,144 It's the rules. It's the rules, I'm afraid. 474 00:32:59,184 --> 00:33:03,320 Let me cheer you up, because it's time now to put a star in our reasonably-priced car. 475 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:07,444 In fact, this week, two stars. 476 00:33:07,484 --> 00:33:10,348 These guys, well, they've fought off zombies in London. 477 00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:13,880 They've had a knife fight in a supermarket in the West Country. 478 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:18,040 More recently, they've helped an alien get back to its home planet. 479 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,848 So they're either actors or massive liars. Let's find out. 480 00:33:21,888 --> 00:33:24,632 Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg! 481 00:33:24,672 --> 00:33:28,004 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 482 00:33:28,044 --> 00:33:30,408 Gentlemen! How are you? 483 00:33:30,448 --> 00:33:33,536 I'm very well. Good to see you. 484 00:33:33,576 --> 00:33:38,972 Look what we've got here. 485 00:33:39,012 --> 00:33:42,048 Great to see you, guys. Great to see. 486 00:33:42,088 --> 00:33:46,600 You two have known each other for donkey's years, haven't you? Yes. 17-18 years. Met in a restaurant? 487 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,348 Yes, Mexican restaurant. 488 00:33:49,388 --> 00:33:52,252 LAUGHTER I can never go back now. 489 00:33:52,292 --> 00:33:56,176 They've ripped up my Golden Fajita Card. 490 00:33:56,216 --> 00:34:00,380 You became friends because you shared a love of Star Wars noises? 491 00:34:00,420 --> 00:34:03,632 Yeah. That's kind of how we bonded.-We met because Nick was interested 492 00:34:03,672 --> 00:34:06,160 in being a stand-up comic, I was a stand-up comic. 493 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,192 We met, went out a few times. I did this. 494 00:34:08,232 --> 00:34:12,536 HE BEEPS LIKE A STAR WARS ROBOT 495 00:34:12,576 --> 00:34:16,020 Which is a noise that a smalldroid... I can see you glaze over. 496 00:34:16,060 --> 00:34:19,332 No, I'm quite good at Star Wars, but I am struggling here. 497 00:34:19,372 --> 00:34:23,864 That's why I fell in love with him,- because I thought no-one knew about that except me, 498 00:34:23,904 --> 00:34:30,320 and then he did it to me and it was like he'd sprayed me with his nerd musk. 499 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:34,600 That was it, then. How loving. 500 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:38,476 It must be great working with your friends, I imagine. 501 00:34:38,516 --> 00:34:41,972 I don't know, obviously. 502 00:34:42,012 --> 00:34:44,380 We have the new film, which is out this week. 503 00:34:44,420 --> 00:34:49,020 Valentine's Day. It's called Paul. 504 00:34:49,060 --> 00:34:53,020 The idea was literally a spitballin the garden when we were shooting Shaun Of The Dead. 505 00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:58,396 The weather was really bad.Our producer said, "Can't we shootsomewhere where it's always sunny?" 506 00:34:58,436 --> 00:35:03,020 We thought of the desert, then because of our nerd minds, we went straight to Area 51. 507 00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:08,288 That became aliens. We said, "OK, there's two guys and there's analien and they help him get home." 508 00:35:08,328 --> 00:35:12,476 We've got a clip of the film, which we can look at. 509 00:35:12,516 --> 00:35:17,068 Put... the phone... down. 510 00:35:17,108 --> 00:35:20,536 Ha-ha-ha! 511 00:35:20,576 --> 00:35:23,660 What have you done to him? I didn't do anything to him. He fainted. 512 00:35:23,700 --> 00:35:25,408 Yeah, but you made him faint. 513 00:35:25,448 --> 00:35:27,628 But it's not like I set my phaser to faint. 514 00:35:27,668 --> 00:35:30,252 You've got a phaser?! No! Look, listen. 515 00:35:30,292 --> 00:35:32,848 Hey, I really need your help, OK? 516 00:35:32,888 --> 00:35:34,536 Can we get this guy back on your wagon? 517 00:35:34,576 --> 00:35:37,612 HE GIBBERS 518 00:35:37,652 --> 00:35:41,456 Are you an alien? To you, I am, yes. - Are you going to probe us? 519 00:35:41,496 --> 00:35:43,768 Why does everyone assume that? What am I doing? 520 00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:49,736 Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass? W-w-what? 521 00:35:49,776 --> 00:35:53,224 I love the alien. He's great, isn't he? A brilliant alien. 522 00:35:53,264 --> 00:35:58,224 What gave you the idea to make your alien smoke and swear? 523 00:35:58,264 --> 00:36:02,068 We just liked the idea that he's been on earth longer than Graham and Clive have. 524 00:36:02,108 --> 00:36:06,348 He's less alien than they are, really. They're two British guys out of their depth. 525 00:36:06,388 --> 00:36:10,456 He's been hanging round, smoking strong weed that he gets off the military, 526 00:36:10,496 --> 00:36:13,756 that he claims killed Bob Dylan. 527 00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:19,208 They do say there's aliens in Area 51, don't they? Yes. Do you actually believe that? 528 00:36:19,248 --> 00:36:21,440 I'm not sure we do. No. 529 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:27,424 It's very coincidental that people see lots of flying saucers nearan experimental aircraft facility. 530 00:36:27,464 --> 00:36:30,504 Logically, it's probably planes! 531 00:36:30,544 --> 00:36:35,064 Did you go out to Area 51 to research it? We did, we did the whole trip. 532 00:36:35,104 --> 00:36:40,768 We got an RV and we drove from Los Angeles right the way through Nevada and Utah. 533 00:36:40,808 --> 00:36:43,080 Did you meet many lunatics? 534 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,552 A few. Lot of cowboys. 535 00:36:45,592 --> 00:36:50,048 We went to a rodeo,fully Stetsons, jeans, cowboy boots, 536 00:36:50,088 --> 00:36:53,756 shirts with business on, felt completely normal. 537 00:36:53,796 --> 00:36:57,848 Thought, this is fine, it's goodto wear this stuff. I did not feel normal, by the way. 538 00:36:57,888 --> 00:37:03,016 We didn't look like them, but like people dressing up, pretending to be them. They could smell our fear. 539 00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:06,644 That's because you had a toy gun on your hip. Pow! 540 00:37:06,684 --> 00:37:10,284 Did you get to drive your RV across America? 541 00:37:10,324 --> 00:37:15,176 We had to learn how to drive. This is going to sound really BLEEP - but we had a driver. 542 00:37:15,216 --> 00:37:18,960 What? Neither of us have ever driven an RV. 543 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,940 The point of it was that we would be sitting, writing, while America 544 00:37:21,980 --> 00:37:26,376 drifted past and we just thought, "Let's have a driver." 545 00:37:26,416 --> 00:37:31,252 He was the guy that did that amazing-handbrake turn in Meet The Fockers. 546 00:37:31,292 --> 00:37:36,892 De Niro's big CIA blacked-out RV.There's a bit in that when it turns a full handbrake turn. 547 00:37:36,932 --> 00:37:40,488 He was the driver? He left me driving... We decided to take 548 00:37:40,528 --> 00:37:44,880 a highway because we were running behind time. 549 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:50,192 He really needed the toilet, so he left me at the wheel and I started to lose control. 550 00:37:50,232 --> 00:37:53,488 Nick was going, "Small corrections, small corrections!" "I can't! I can't!" 551 00:37:53,528 --> 00:37:57,848 Steve came out the toilet, doing up his flies... 552 00:37:57,888 --> 00:38:03,268 There was the old story of the guy that rented one, an English guy rented an RV for his holiday. 553 00:38:03,308 --> 00:38:08,940 It said cruise control, so he put on cruise control. "Lovely!" 554 00:38:08,980 --> 00:38:13,784 Nobody could work out, in the accident, why he was killed with a kettle in his hand. 555 00:38:13,824 --> 00:38:20,688 Doing 80 mph. Stupid idiot. Anyway, so look, the lap, this is why you're here. 556 00:38:20,728 --> 00:38:24,968 I know you were nervous, because you thought that your size would count against you. Yeah. 557 00:38:25,008 --> 00:38:31,408 Whereas you, of course... What do you weigh? I'm 11.5 stone. My leg weighs that much! 558 00:38:31,448 --> 00:38:36,736 But the thing is, are you very fit? - At the moment I am, because I'm doing Mission Impossible 4 559 00:38:36,776 --> 00:38:40,580 as we speak, and I'm sort of having to be... 560 00:38:40,620 --> 00:38:44,816 I'm an agent now, so I need to be on... 561 00:38:44,856 --> 00:38:48,908 I had a long conversation with MrCruise about his appearance on this. - Still talks about it. 562 00:38:48,948 --> 00:38:52,988 Does he? He is full of Top Gear. He has such a shallow and empty life, obviously. 563 00:38:53,028 --> 00:38:55,172 But he is obsessed with it. 564 00:38:55,212 --> 00:38:58,532 Nevertheless, whose lap shall we see first? 565 00:38:58,572 --> 00:39:01,784 Let's have a look, shall we, at... your lap, Simon. 566 00:39:01,824 --> 00:39:06,768 Come on, Simon. Let's see your lap. - Here we go. 567 00:39:06,808 --> 00:39:10,328 HE SPLUTTERS 568 00:39:10,368 --> 00:39:13,960 I've changed gear. That's a good sign. Yep. 569 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:15,520 Right, first corner. 570 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:17,112 Nice wide line in there. 571 00:39:17,152 --> 00:39:20,784 New Stig does teach that line. 572 00:39:20,824 --> 00:39:23,704 He does, yeah. Very... Ooh, you're not using all the road, though. 573 00:39:23,744 --> 00:39:25,892 Come on, you motherhumper. 574 00:39:25,932 --> 00:39:28,144 Mother what? Motherhumper. 575 00:39:28,184 --> 00:39:31,112 Motherhumper? Nice. Watershed language. 576 00:39:31,152 --> 00:39:32,940 That's looking quite tidy. 577 00:39:32,980 --> 00:39:35,988 Where are you going? Oh, Hammerhead. Let's have a look. Whoa! 578 00:39:36,028 --> 00:39:38,892 That's squirreling underbraking. That is quite impressive. 579 00:39:38,932 --> 00:39:41,424 Right. Keep it in between the lines. 580 00:39:41,464 --> 00:39:44,064 Just about... Yep. 581 00:39:44,104 --> 00:39:47,644 It's much sportier than the last one. This is a great car. 582 00:39:47,684 --> 00:39:50,172 See apostrophe Dee. 583 00:39:50,212 --> 00:39:53,172 TYRES SCREECH 584 00:39:53,212 --> 00:39:54,960 That noise. I know. 585 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,924 Ooh, that gives me a funny feeling! 586 00:39:57,964 --> 00:39:59,908 Really? 587 00:39:59,948 --> 00:40:03,328 Whoa! Almost had the back wheel off the ground there. 588 00:40:03,368 --> 00:40:06,268 Right, second-to-last corner is where most people go wrong. 589 00:40:06,308 --> 00:40:09,988 That is extremely tidy. Look at that. 590 00:40:10,028 --> 00:40:11,488 And Gambon... 591 00:40:11,528 --> 00:40:14,128 Looking very smooth through there. 592 00:40:14,168 --> 00:40:16,360 And there we are - we've crossed the line. Lovely. 593 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:19,112 APPLAUSE 594 00:40:19,152 --> 00:40:24,112 Now... 595 00:40:24,152 --> 00:40:27,192 Before we get on to how you did... Yeah. 596 00:40:27,232 --> 00:40:30,064 ..I think we should have a look at Nick's lap. 597 00:40:30,104 --> 00:40:33,344 OK. Now, Nick, your practices weren't entirely smooth. 598 00:40:33,384 --> 00:40:37,892 No. I've sat forward already. No, I just wanted to go for it and see what happened. 599 00:40:37,932 --> 00:40:40,204 Of course, on the second-to-last corner... 600 00:40:40,244 --> 00:40:42,892 Well, let's have a look at what happened. 601 00:40:42,932 --> 00:40:45,296 This is ballsy. 602 00:40:45,336 --> 00:40:48,172 Too ballsy, in fact. 603 00:40:48,212 --> 00:40:49,548 LAUGHTER 604 00:40:49,588 --> 00:40:51,736 That's a proper spin! What's that? 605 00:40:51,776 --> 00:40:53,172 Hitting the kerb. You could have rolled! 606 00:40:53,212 --> 00:40:57,608 APPLAUSE That's what I call ballsy. 607 00:40:57,648 --> 00:40:59,376 I think the thing about being in a... 608 00:40:59,416 --> 00:41:01,832 being a big guy in a small car when you roll it 609 00:41:01,872 --> 00:41:04,600 is there's nowhere for you to go so it's fine, 610 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:07,192 you just roll around. You're wedged - in and your eyes go around. Yeah. 611 00:41:07,232 --> 00:41:09,704 Nick, let's see how you got on. 612 00:41:09,744 --> 00:41:11,048 ENGINE REVS 613 00:41:11,088 --> 00:41:13,800 TYRES SCREECH 614 00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:17,832 Right. Good start. Ah, that rubber smell. 615 00:41:17,872 --> 00:41:19,956 Reminds me of my honeymoon! 616 00:41:19,996 --> 00:41:21,736 LAUGHTER 617 00:41:21,776 --> 00:41:24,000 Helmet suits you, got to say. 618 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,452 I'm not going to talk about the honeymoon, that's why. 619 00:41:25,492 --> 00:41:27,220 Right, first corner. 620 00:41:27,260 --> 00:41:31,172 That's a tighter line there than Simon's and using all the road. 621 00:41:31,212 --> 00:41:33,548 When it squeals, ease it off. 622 00:41:33,588 --> 00:41:36,112 Just like a bag of pigs. 623 00:41:36,152 --> 00:41:37,328 LAUGHTER 624 00:41:37,368 --> 00:41:39,628 'I was trying to channel you.' 625 00:41:39,668 --> 00:41:42,860 'I'm not even going to go anywhere with these remarks in the car. 626 00:41:42,900 --> 00:41:45,064 'A bag of pigs. 627 00:41:45,104 --> 00:41:47,812 'Less aggressive on the brakes than Simon was there. 628 00:41:47,852 --> 00:41:52,800 'Now, let's have a look. Does this look tidy?' 629 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:53,968 'Ooh, little chirrup. Slow. 630 00:41:54,008 --> 00:41:56,888 'Looks slow. Could be fast, though. - You never know. 631 00:41:56,928 --> 00:41:58,924 'And on to the straight.' 632 00:41:58,964 --> 00:42:00,676 You waved! 633 00:42:00,716 --> 00:42:04,036 Why do I keep looking in the mirror? 634 00:42:04,076 --> 00:42:06,344 Why did I keep looking in the mirror? I don't know. 635 00:42:06,384 --> 00:42:09,520 It's natural. It's in everybody they must check the mirror. 636 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:11,608 Swing it to the right. 637 00:42:11,648 --> 00:42:13,532 Past the wall of tyres. 638 00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:16,936 No, left! Left, left! It's left on the wall! 639 00:42:16,976 --> 00:42:20,048 I went out right... Oh, I see, to come in again. 640 00:42:20,088 --> 00:42:22,752 My willy feels funny. LAUGHTER 641 00:42:22,792 --> 00:42:27,376 That's a James May problem. He's always saying he has this fizzing penis root. 642 00:42:27,416 --> 00:42:29,688 Right, there we... Ooh, so where are we going? 643 00:42:29,728 --> 00:42:32,424 Whoa! Tom Cruise line! There we are, 644 00:42:32,464 --> 00:42:35,328 we've crossed the line. APPLAUSE 645 00:42:35,368 --> 00:42:38,564 That's two wheels! 646 00:42:38,604 --> 00:42:42,408 That's dangerous, with me being on the right, too. That could have... 647 00:42:42,448 --> 00:42:44,564 Now that is... There's Michael Gambon, Tom Cruise 648 00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:48,036 and you have had it on two wheels in that last corner. Good. 649 00:42:48,076 --> 00:42:53,328 Awesome. But was it enough? That is the question. 650 00:42:53,368 --> 00:42:56,204 I can feel my heart in my ears. 651 00:42:56,244 --> 00:42:57,296 LAUGHTER 652 00:42:57,336 --> 00:42:59,676 Right. Simon. Yes? 653 00:42:59,716 --> 00:43:01,580 You're first in the list, OK? 654 00:43:01,620 --> 00:43:07,392 When you were last here, you did it in 1:48.05, which actually is a very quick time, in that old... 655 00:43:07,432 --> 00:43:10,408 It was a Lacetti, wasn't it? It was, yeah. 656 00:43:10,448 --> 00:43:13,736 So where do you think you've come this time? 1:48.05 - where do you think you are now? 657 00:43:13,776 --> 00:43:15,360 I honestly couldn't tell you. 658 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:18,984 Well, you did it in 1... 659 00:43:19,024 --> 00:43:21,640 40... 660 00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,676 4... Ooh! Wow. 661 00:43:23,716 --> 00:43:25,924 ..9! Wow! You... 662 00:43:25,964 --> 00:43:27,676 APPLAUSE 663 00:43:27,716 --> 00:43:35,080 ..are there. 664 00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:41,080 You'll be able to tell Tom Cruise you're right on top of Cameron Diaz... This isn't working, is it? 665 00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,640 I think it's working fine. Between Cameron and Tom. That's great. 666 00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:48,016 You are between Cameron and Tom. Now, Nick, obviously the heavyweight. 667 00:43:48,056 --> 00:43:50,128 Yeah. Are you going to put HW on mine? 668 00:43:50,168 --> 00:43:52,656 LAUGHTER FF. 669 00:43:52,696 --> 00:43:56,768 Ah! Aw! 670 00:43:56,808 --> 00:44:00,016 He nearly killed a journalist in Birmingham once for making a joke about his weight. 671 00:44:00,056 --> 00:44:02,608 I did. Did you? I grabbed him round his throat. 672 00:44:02,648 --> 00:44:07,160 Really? Yeah. That's what the new Ferrari's called. 673 00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,752 I was talking about Ferrari. 674 00:44:09,792 --> 00:44:11,440 I feel like Chewbacca now. 675 00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:15,296 "Let the wookiee win." HE GRUNTS 676 00:44:15,336 --> 00:44:20,472 Where do you reckon you've come on that? I don't know. 1:49, maybe. 677 00:44:20,512 --> 00:44:24,188 Well, you did it in 1... 678 00:44:24,228 --> 00:44:26,720 40... 679 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:30,064 4... 680 00:44:30,104 --> 00:44:32,376 Oh! ..point 5. 681 00:44:32,416 --> 00:44:40,064 Oh! So that puts you third... 682 00:44:40,104 --> 00:44:41,376 We did really well. 683 00:44:41,416 --> 00:44:43,688 Well done. 684 00:44:43,728 --> 00:44:45,924 Thank you, Jeremy. 685 00:44:45,964 --> 00:44:50,676 Are you surprised by this? Imagine if I weighed 11 stone. I'd get round in 1:08! 686 00:44:50,716 --> 00:44:54,732 That is a remarkable performance. Have you done track? You've been here before. 687 00:44:54,772 --> 00:44:57,140 I've never done it. You've never driven on a track? 688 00:44:57,180 --> 00:45:00,172 I bought you a track day, you never went. I never went. 689 00:45:00,212 --> 00:45:02,860 You should try and take it up because there's a natural talent. 690 00:45:02,900 --> 00:45:05,000 Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost. 691 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:08,688 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 692 00:45:08,728 --> 00:45:10,720 Thank you very much. 693 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:15,064 Well done, man. I know. Brilliant. 694 00:45:15,104 --> 00:45:18,296 Right, moving on. 695 00:45:18,336 --> 00:45:20,216 Tonight... 696 00:45:20,256 --> 00:45:23,844 Tonight we are engaged in a challenge that was supposed to be 697 00:45:23,884 --> 00:45:28,124 to find the best four-seater convertible you can buy for less than £2,000. 698 00:45:28,164 --> 00:45:31,812 Yeah. Sadly, though, we all bought BMW 325i. 699 00:45:31,852 --> 00:45:33,844 So instead we're finding out how different 700 00:45:33,884 --> 00:45:38,064 three supposedly identical cars have become over the years. 701 00:45:38,104 --> 00:45:43,908 Yeah. So far we've discovered that his car is full of mucus and mine full of poo... 702 00:45:43,948 --> 00:45:46,968 And pubic hair. Yeah. Andspent most of the time broken down. 703 00:45:47,008 --> 00:45:54,564 But as we rejoin the action,all three cars are actually working. 704 00:45:54,604 --> 00:45:56,688 What you're looking at here is the Stig 705 00:45:56,728 --> 00:46:02,732 setting a lap time in the modern-day equivalent of our cars. 706 00:46:02,772 --> 00:46:05,908 A time we shall try to match. 707 00:46:05,948 --> 00:46:10,968 I'm, in some ways, confident. I have the paving slab in the boot giving me better handling, 708 00:46:11,008 --> 00:46:17,344 and yet not confident at all because I have no brakes. 709 00:46:17,384 --> 00:46:22,608 I wonder if my brakes are any good. You don't know, do you? Not really, no. 710 00:46:22,648 --> 00:46:26,236 Oooh, stand back! 711 00:46:26,276 --> 00:46:29,968 1:35.09. 712 00:46:30,008 --> 00:46:36,016 Right, now we just have to see which one of us gets closest to that time. 713 00:46:36,056 --> 00:46:40,800 Here we go. 714 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:44,092 Wipers not working. 715 00:46:44,132 --> 00:46:48,108 OK, this, little BMW,is when you win back your stripes. 716 00:46:48,148 --> 00:46:50,124 It's been lowered. 717 00:46:50,164 --> 00:46:53,080 I think you'll findit'll suddenly emerge as the star. 718 00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:56,624 TYRES SCREECH 719 00:46:56,664 --> 00:47:01,452 Get out of the way, you incompetent, long-haired old spaniel. 720 00:47:01,492 --> 00:47:05,248 I think this is Chicago. 721 00:47:05,288 --> 00:47:07,360 Come on, paving stone, do your work. 722 00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:09,140 TYRES SCREECH 723 00:47:09,180 --> 00:47:11,656 Holy moley! 724 00:47:11,696 --> 00:47:17,032 These old 325is, they had semi-trailing on rear suspension. 725 00:47:17,072 --> 00:47:21,936 They were known as the third biggest killer of yuppies because of the tail-happiness, 726 00:47:21,976 --> 00:47:26,808 after Porsche 911 and accidents involving races. 727 00:47:26,848 --> 00:47:31,424 Here's the non-braking Jeremy Clarkson. 728 00:47:31,464 --> 00:47:36,936 I'll go get Hammond. 729 00:47:36,976 --> 00:47:42,548 Ooh. I think I'm wasting quitea lot of time being sideways here. 730 00:47:42,588 --> 00:47:48,516 'Hammond was very easy to catch because whoever had lowered his car hadn't done a very good job.' 731 00:47:48,556 --> 00:47:50,764 He's got a wobble. 732 00:47:50,804 --> 00:47:53,720 Whoa! 733 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:58,516 My car obviously isn't the fastest here, but it seems to be the most stable. 734 00:47:58,556 --> 00:48:06,080 TYRES SCREECH 735 00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:07,092 'In truth, 736 00:48:07,132 --> 00:48:11,516 'all of our ultimate driving machines had lost their edge.' 737 00:48:11,556 --> 00:48:13,344 Oh, dear. 738 00:48:13,384 --> 00:48:15,800 'But Hammond's was in a class of its own.' 739 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,904 Oh-ho! 740 00:48:18,944 --> 00:48:22,392 He's gone. He's so gone now. 741 00:48:22,432 --> 00:48:28,780 Ha-ha-ha! 742 00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:31,528 There's a simple rule when you're buying a car, demonstrated by Hammond here. 743 00:48:31,568 --> 00:48:39,984 If it's been modified, especially if it's been lowered, walk away. 744 00:48:40,024 --> 00:48:45,800 I'm beginning to think Jeremy's rather crude handling pack might be the answer. 745 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:50,392 'With one lap to go, we all decided to really go for it.' 746 00:48:50,432 --> 00:48:57,652 No, no, no. Don't do that. Damn. 747 00:48:57,692 --> 00:49:00,528 My seat's collapsed, badly. 748 00:49:00,568 --> 00:49:08,000 'Still, could be worse.' 749 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:12,124 ENGINE WHINES 750 00:49:12,164 --> 00:49:14,372 Yeah! 751 00:49:14,412 --> 00:49:16,140 Right. 752 00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:18,544 Well, I hope I got a quick time in. 753 00:49:18,584 --> 00:49:22,000 We'd find out soon enough because the results were in. 754 00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:27,280 Here we are, these are the times.Remember, the Stig did it in 1:35. Yeah. 755 00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:31,344 James - 1:55.04. 756 00:49:31,384 --> 00:49:34,984 Me - 1:55.03 is my best. 757 00:49:35,024 --> 00:49:36,952 And, Jeremy, your best, 758 00:49:36,992 --> 00:49:40,528 1:48.0 - which means you win. 759 00:49:40,568 --> 00:49:43,372 It's a hollow victory. Where's your car? Over there. 760 00:49:43,412 --> 00:49:46,888 It's quite broken. What's wrong with it? Well... 761 00:49:46,928 --> 00:49:51,688 the rear hose let go, sprayed water over the electrics, which shorted them out. 762 00:49:51,728 --> 00:49:54,968 The exhaust manifold is cracked 763 00:49:55,008 --> 00:49:58,688 and the head's cooked. You've killed it. 764 00:49:58,728 --> 00:50:03,440 Luckily for Jeremy, our next experiment didn't involve any movement. 765 00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:08,968 Over time, the roof on a convertible - will get baggy and start to leak. 766 00:50:09,008 --> 00:50:10,904 To see which of our cars leaks the most, 767 00:50:10,944 --> 00:50:16,108 we've devised an ingenious test. 768 00:50:16,148 --> 00:50:21,888 James is sitting in his car holding his breath, because his car is full of gas. 769 00:50:21,928 --> 00:50:26,608 Now if the car leaks, the gas will escape, and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be fine. 770 00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:32,080 If it doesn't leak, the gas won't escape and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be in trouble. 771 00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:33,672 So is it cyanide we're using? 772 00:50:33,712 --> 00:50:35,280 No, helium. Helium? 773 00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:37,032 Yeah. Pure helium? Yes. 774 00:50:37,072 --> 00:50:38,468 That'll kill him. Yes. 775 00:50:38,508 --> 00:50:40,404 JAMES EXHALES Here we go. 776 00:50:40,444 --> 00:50:43,032 He's breathing. That's it, come on. 777 00:50:43,072 --> 00:50:46,156 HIGH-PITCHED: Whose idea was this test? Bloody stupid idea. 778 00:50:46,196 --> 00:50:48,468 OTHERS LAUGH It's a very good idea. 779 00:50:48,508 --> 00:50:50,732 We've learned about your car. 780 00:50:50,772 --> 00:50:55,328 You sound like Donald Duck because your car has done well. 781 00:50:55,368 --> 00:50:59,544 Given the contents of his car, Hammond quite enjoyed holding his breath. 782 00:50:59,584 --> 00:51:04,280 HE EXHALES 783 00:51:04,320 --> 00:51:08,936 NORMAL PITCH:Ah, you see mine's had a new... Oh! 784 00:51:08,976 --> 00:51:10,000 OTHERS LAUGH 785 00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,448 Not a new roof fitted very well. 786 00:51:12,488 --> 00:51:18,780 You thought you'd have a squeaky voice! I was expecting a full Smurf and it's not worked. 787 00:51:18,820 --> 00:51:23,000 Finally it was Jeremy's turn. 788 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:26,312 He's going to have to breathe. He's done it. Right. 789 00:51:26,352 --> 00:51:28,652 HIGH-PITCHED: I just have to say that's stupid. 790 00:51:28,692 --> 00:51:32,468 It's just a test of how big your lungs are. 791 00:51:32,508 --> 00:51:34,528 After this we got Jeremy's car going 792 00:51:34,568 --> 00:51:39,496 and went to see a group of BMW specialists. 793 00:51:39,536 --> 00:51:41,248 Their job was to calculate the cost 794 00:51:41,288 --> 00:51:49,764 of returning each of our cars to showroom condition. 795 00:51:49,804 --> 00:51:53,404 These cars come from a time when people fitted after-market stereos. 796 00:51:53,444 --> 00:51:55,420 Let me talk you through this one. 797 00:51:55,460 --> 00:51:57,404 Here's the radio. 798 00:51:57,444 --> 00:52:00,404 STATIC That's Radio 1, Radio 2, 799 00:52:00,444 --> 00:52:03,920 Radio 3, Radio 4... STATIC CONTINUES 800 00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:06,328 ..Radio 5. 801 00:52:06,368 --> 00:52:09,932 STATIC CONTINUES 802 00:52:09,972 --> 00:52:11,840 Don't know what that is. 803 00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:15,840 Eventually the experts had finished their assessments. 804 00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,796 Who has the results for Richard Hammond's sewage farm? I do. 805 00:52:19,836 --> 00:52:21,560 £7,500. 806 00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:24,808 7,500 to put that into showroom condition? 807 00:52:24,848 --> 00:52:28,000 Sir, you have the results for James' car. 808 00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:32,216 Around 5,500. So £2,000 less. Well done. 809 00:52:32,256 --> 00:52:34,088 Did you just say well done? I did. 810 00:52:34,128 --> 00:52:37,280 You're a girl. How much would mine cost to put into show? 811 00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:39,248 Well, how many pence? 812 00:52:39,288 --> 00:52:42,216 HE CLEARS THROAT Er...11,000. 813 00:52:42,256 --> 00:52:44,340 That's pounds, not pence. OTHERS LAUGH 814 00:52:44,380 --> 00:52:47,156 What a pile of junk! Why is it £11,000? 815 00:52:47,196 --> 00:52:49,748 What possible reason is there for that? 816 00:52:49,788 --> 00:52:52,528 Oh. Oh, there's a few reasons. 817 00:52:52,568 --> 00:52:56,388 Oh, it's blown away. 818 00:52:56,428 --> 00:53:00,448 Since none of our cars were really roadworthy, we decided at this point 819 00:53:00,488 --> 00:53:07,312 that the best thing we could do with them was form a stunt driving team. 820 00:53:07,352 --> 00:53:15,776 We began by watching the experts. 821 00:53:15,816 --> 00:53:22,904 How do they memorise the moves? 822 00:53:22,944 --> 00:53:25,436 That was a J-turn. 823 00:53:25,476 --> 00:53:33,776 I can do all the moves individually, I think. 824 00:53:33,816 --> 00:53:37,060 'It all looked terribly complicated - and that was a worry, 825 00:53:37,100 --> 00:53:45,872 'because the next day, we would be performing in front of a live audience.' 826 00:53:45,912 --> 00:53:51,248 Wow. That's quite good. 827 00:53:51,288 --> 00:53:52,624 We're going to need to work on that. 828 00:53:52,664 --> 00:53:56,108 'We began by planning our moves on a blackboard.' 829 00:53:56,148 --> 00:53:58,120 That's the nose of the car that pointing that way. That's 830 00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:05,088 Over here, right, that's Jeremy. 831 00:54:05,128 --> 00:54:10,012 Then here... 832 00:54:10,052 --> 00:54:13,436 Those cars both have J on. They both have J. So it could be... Oh. 833 00:54:13,476 --> 00:54:15,592 'James took over.' 834 00:54:15,632 --> 00:54:19,368 We have a numbering system, so you go first. I cross behind you... 835 00:54:19,408 --> 00:54:22,340 Everything goes through that point, - the point of the performance... 836 00:54:22,380 --> 00:54:25,968 'But his plans were a bit confusing.' 837 00:54:26,008 --> 00:54:27,904 Sorry, I'm lost. 838 00:54:27,944 --> 00:54:29,980 Which is my dotted line now? 839 00:54:30,020 --> 00:54:34,592 That one. No, you were this one. Yeah, it is that one. 840 00:54:34,632 --> 00:54:37,776 'Nevertheless, we wet the track to make it more slippery 841 00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:39,496 'and got to work.' 842 00:54:39,536 --> 00:54:45,000 Right, here we go. 843 00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:48,932 'Initially, things didn't go well.' 844 00:54:48,972 --> 00:54:53,280 This is just a lot of driving about. 845 00:54:53,320 --> 00:54:57,652 Why have you gone over there? Sorry. 846 00:54:57,692 --> 00:55:01,652 'Then, thanks to my awful brakes, they got worse.' 847 00:55:01,692 --> 00:55:04,028 I'm not stopping, I'm not stopping! - MUFFLED THUMP 848 00:55:04,068 --> 00:55:07,056 Oh, damn it. 849 00:55:07,096 --> 00:55:10,280 'Despite everything, though, the next day we were ready to perform 850 00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:17,212 'at one of the most prestigious venues in the country...' 851 00:55:17,252 --> 00:55:18,652 In the wild, birds of prey... 852 00:55:18,692 --> 00:55:23,608 '..The Essex County Fair. 853 00:55:23,648 --> 00:55:26,000 'Our cars had been given a new lick of paint, 854 00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:27,980 'and as zero hour approached, 855 00:55:28,020 --> 00:55:31,624 'we were in our motor home rehearsing our moves.' 856 00:55:31,664 --> 00:55:33,904 Go. Right, so... 857 00:55:33,944 --> 00:55:35,904 Turn, Turn, through. And I'm here. 858 00:55:35,944 --> 00:55:38,324 Handbrake. Back forwards. 859 00:55:38,364 --> 00:55:41,932 Face the other way by then. Through - the gap. Round you. Handbrake. 860 00:55:41,972 --> 00:55:44,560 OK, ready? And then now... Cross, I go first. 861 00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:47,652 Over there. 862 00:55:47,692 --> 00:55:53,572 It's going to be magnificent. Right, let's do it. 863 00:55:53,612 --> 00:56:00,728 We're a bit like the Red Arrows. Pretty much. It's quite an exciting moment. 864 00:56:00,768 --> 00:56:06,808 Ladies and gentlemen, introducing from TV's Top Gear, The Dukes Of Harlow stunt driving team. 865 00:56:06,848 --> 00:56:10,264 'The capacity crowd was beside itself. 866 00:56:10,304 --> 00:56:14,340 'As the music signalled the start of our routine, we entered the arena.' 867 00:56:14,380 --> 00:56:17,840 MUSIC: "Don't Stop Me Now"by Queen 868 00:56:17,880 --> 00:56:24,652 We'd better deliver. Suddenly feel this is quite a responsibility. 869 00:56:24,692 --> 00:56:26,592 Right, left, down... 870 00:56:26,632 --> 00:56:29,620 left, straight up. 871 00:56:29,660 --> 00:56:34,648 Must remember that crossover. 872 00:56:34,688 --> 00:56:40,056 Ready, steady, go. 873 00:56:40,096 --> 00:56:43,480 And turn, turn. 874 00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:52,044 Oh! 875 00:56:52,084 --> 00:56:55,356 Now, it is a shame we can't show you the rest of that film, 876 00:56:55,396 --> 00:56:59,324 but we lost the tapes. Yes! Can you believe it? LAUGHTER 877 00:56:59,364 --> 00:57:04,728 You left them on a bus. And then the dog ate them. Yeah. Dog ate them. It is a rotten... 878 00:57:04,768 --> 00:57:08,368 It is a massive shame, because therest of our routine was brilliant. 879 00:57:08,408 --> 00:57:12,232 It's just a tragedy you can't see it. I do apologise. 880 00:57:12,272 --> 00:57:17,008 It does at least give us time to knock up a scoreboard and see who bought the best car. 881 00:57:17,048 --> 00:57:21,932 Yes. In the nought to 100 and then nought again test, 882 00:57:21,972 --> 00:57:24,168 James set the benchmark, so he gets zero. 883 00:57:24,208 --> 00:57:28,668 I got minus 281 and, Hammond, you got minus 1,000. 884 00:57:28,708 --> 00:57:33,000 I didn't even take part. That's why you get minus 1,000. 885 00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:37,168 Now, forensics, you get ten points off for every disgusting thing that was found in your car. 886 00:57:37,208 --> 00:57:42,120 Mine was crisps, leaves and bits of - my own skin, so that's not really disgusting at all, so nought. 887 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:46,684 James, you were mucus, scabs and saliva. 888 00:57:46,724 --> 00:57:49,168 You're minus 30. 889 00:57:49,208 --> 00:57:53,008 Hammond, you, let's get this straight, you were saliva, blood... 890 00:57:53,048 --> 00:57:55,716 But there was no mucus in mine! mucus, but there was pubic hair... 891 00:57:55,756 --> 00:57:58,464 Yeah, yeah. ..so minus 30 and then poo. 892 00:57:58,504 --> 00:58:00,480 Yeah. That's 1,000... 893 00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:05,696 Why do I get minus 1,000 for poo? Because poo's really disgusting! 894 00:58:05,736 --> 00:58:08,076 Of course you're going to get minus 1,000 for that. 895 00:58:08,116 --> 00:58:12,436 We don't make the rules. The thief test. Jeremy... JEREMY MOUTHS: We do! 896 00:58:12,476 --> 00:58:15,716 Your car wasn't stolen so you get nought. Yeah. 897 00:58:15,756 --> 00:58:18,544 My car wasn't, so I get nought. 898 00:58:18,584 --> 00:58:23,528 Hammond, your car was stolen. Yes? And you get minus 1,000. 899 00:58:23,568 --> 00:58:25,448 Do I?LAUGHTER 900 00:58:25,488 --> 00:58:29,308 How do you get to that? It just is, it's scientific, this. Lap times. 901 00:58:29,348 --> 00:58:30,872 You didn't get minus 1,000 for that. 902 00:58:30,912 --> 00:58:33,480 They're there. The gas test. 903 00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:37,544 Let's get this straight. No gas escaped from my car so I get nought. 904 00:58:37,584 --> 00:58:41,008 No gas escaped from your car, James, so that's nought. 905 00:58:41,048 --> 00:58:43,852 All of the gas escaped from yours so that's minus... 906 00:58:43,892 --> 00:58:48,448 Let me guess. Yes, you're right, it's minus 1,000. Is it? 907 00:58:48,488 --> 00:58:52,288 Is it really? Yes, it is. The restoration test, here you lose a point 908 00:58:52,328 --> 00:58:55,776 for every pound it would take to get your car back to showroom condition. 909 00:58:55,816 --> 00:58:58,964 Now, I, as you would expect, did best at this, 910 00:58:59,004 --> 00:59:03,028 so I'm minus 5,500 points. 911 00:59:03,068 --> 00:59:05,280 It's like being on QI, this. 912 00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:10,368 Hammond, you are minus 7,500 points. 913 00:59:10,408 --> 00:59:12,336 And Jeremy Clarkson... Mmm-hmm. 914 00:59:12,376 --> 00:59:17,260 ..you are minus 11,000. 915 00:59:17,300 --> 00:59:19,728 Ah! I might beat... Well, not him but you, anyway. 916 00:59:19,768 --> 00:59:22,900 What have you got, James? I've won, obviously. That's a given. 917 00:59:22,940 --> 00:59:24,620 You are... 918 00:59:24,660 --> 00:59:32,684 minus 11,293.1. 919 00:59:32,724 --> 00:59:36,400 Minus 11,293.1. Yes. 920 00:59:36,440 --> 00:59:39,528 So, Hammond, this is tense. Minus 11,000... 921 00:59:39,568 --> 00:59:42,184 Still hope, though. I can still do it. Oooh! 922 00:59:42,224 --> 00:59:43,492 549... Yes! 923 00:59:43,532 --> 00:59:47,308 APPLAUSE 924 00:59:47,348 --> 00:59:48,604 I mean, well done, James. 925 00:59:48,644 --> 00:59:52,852 But, really, two conclusions we can draw from this. 926 00:59:52,892 --> 00:59:57,728 One, all identical cars aren't necessarily identical. 927 00:59:57,768 --> 01:00:01,088 Some of them do have pubic hairs in them and poo. 928 01:00:01,128 --> 01:00:05,900 And two, Richard Hammond, who buys more used cars than any man alive, 929 01:00:05,940 --> 01:00:09,024 is useless at buying used cars. 930 01:00:09,064 --> 01:00:11,228 I am. On that bombshell, it's time to end.