1 00:00:16,072 --> 00:00:19,064 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 2 00:00:19,099 --> 00:00:22,056 Hello, good evening, 3 00:00:22,091 --> 00:00:23,989 and welcome 4 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:27,532 to a Top Gear Nativity Special. 5 00:00:27,567 --> 00:00:31,005 Tonight, we are the three wise men, 6 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,017 and our challenge is to get from the East 7 00:00:34,052 --> 00:00:37,057 to the birthplace of the Baby Jesus here, in Bethlehem. 8 00:00:37,092 --> 00:00:42,028 Yeah, we were told we could make the journey in any car we chose, 9 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,993 so long as it, A) cost less than L3,500, 10 00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:48,977 and B) was a two-seater convertible sports car. 11 00:00:49,012 --> 00:00:52,064 However, before we even set off, there was a problem. 12 00:00:52,099 --> 00:00:54,981 Because, you see, in order to go to Bethlehem, 13 00:00:55,016 --> 00:00:58,061 we had to drive through Israel, and for political reasons 14 00:00:58,096 --> 00:01:03,096 the Israelis aren't very happy about cars from any of these countries 15 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,977 coming across their border. 16 00:01:06,012 --> 00:01:09,016 So we had to get our wheels from up here, 17 00:01:09,051 --> 00:01:11,985 in the former Soviet republic of Georgia, 18 00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:15,076 and ship them to the start point in a Russian transport plane. 19 00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:20,044 Trouble is, we didn't know where the start point was. 20 00:01:42,016 --> 00:01:46,981 I've been quite brave with my choice of car - Fiat Barchetta. 21 00:01:47,016 --> 00:01:52,064 I used to have one of these, but this isn't just any Barchetta, it's a Riviera special edition. 22 00:01:52,099 --> 00:01:55,072 Black paint, red quilted leather, it's beautiful. 23 00:01:55,107 --> 00:01:57,993 You haven't been brave, you've been stupid. 24 00:01:58,028 --> 00:02:01,064 It's beautiful! It's stupid ,it's a Fiat. Look at that. 25 00:02:01,099 --> 00:02:04,079 I have been a wise man. 26 00:02:04,114 --> 00:02:07,025 I have bought a Mazda MX-5. 27 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,037 Yeah, the boring, obvious choice. 28 00:02:09,072 --> 00:02:12,009 That's why I originally bought myself one of those. 29 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:15,969 Yes, because, listen, every time we do one of these trips, 30 00:02:16,004 --> 00:02:19,542 every time, I get the interesting car that's in a cloud of steam. 31 00:02:19,577 --> 00:02:23,080 This time, wherever we're going, this will make it. You know that. 32 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:33,070 As you'd expect, I've been the wisest and I've done this properly. 33 00:02:33,105 --> 00:02:38,060 I've combined European stylishness with legendary German reliability, 34 00:02:38,095 --> 00:02:40,080 in this BMW Z3. 35 00:02:43,064 --> 00:02:44,989 I didn't know... 36 00:02:45,024 --> 00:02:47,053 We're banking, aren't we? 37 00:02:47,088 --> 00:02:53,012 I didn't know you could get a Z3 for less than L3,500. 38 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:56,020 You can't. Well, how much did you pay for it? 39 00:02:56,055 --> 00:02:57,565 I rounded it up. 40 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,041 How...? L3,966. 41 00:02:59,076 --> 00:03:03,004 Well, that's more than the budget, you've spent too much! 42 00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:04,973 So we're not three wise men - 43 00:03:05,008 --> 00:03:08,092 we're one wise man, an idiot and a cheat. 44 00:03:09,092 --> 00:03:14,017 'We then started wondering where we might be going. ' 45 00:03:14,052 --> 00:03:19,061 Oman? Is it China? Well, if they came from the East, Norfolk. 46 00:03:19,096 --> 00:03:23,084 Well, I'm telling you, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich. 47 00:03:25,028 --> 00:03:27,025 'We'd find out soon enough, though, 48 00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:30,096 'because it was time to take our seats for landing. ' 49 00:03:30,131 --> 00:03:33,061 Ah, there we go. Seatbelt fastened. 50 00:03:33,096 --> 00:03:36,033 Throttling back, approach to something. 51 00:03:36,068 --> 00:03:39,052 ELECTRONIC BUZZING What the hell are they doing? 52 00:03:41,052 --> 00:03:43,096 Oh, my God! Ahh! 53 00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:46,000 Oh, my God! 54 00:03:48,012 --> 00:03:50,080 Oh, my God! Where the hell is that? 55 00:03:50,115 --> 00:03:52,088 Aaaah...! 56 00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:56,048 Oh, no! Aaah! 57 00:03:59,024 --> 00:04:02,052 Hammond! Put your handbrake on! 58 00:04:02,087 --> 00:04:05,080 If the straps break, I'm... Ah! 59 00:04:06,092 --> 00:04:11,009 A- a-a-ah! 60 00:04:11,044 --> 00:04:12,084 I just saw a runway. 61 00:04:16,076 --> 00:04:20,032 Undercarriage is down. Here we go, we're landing. 62 00:04:23,016 --> 00:04:26,048 Here we are, levelling off. Levelling off. 63 00:04:33,052 --> 00:04:35,076 Land it, land it! 64 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:45,028 Please, land! What's he doing? He's missed the runway. 65 00:04:46,064 --> 00:04:48,068 A- a-a-ah! 66 00:04:50,044 --> 00:04:53,020 A- a-a-ah! 67 00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:04,016 We're coming in again. 68 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,040 Land it this time, sunshine. 69 00:05:15,068 --> 00:05:19,048 PLANE'S TYRES SCREECH We're down. Whoa! 70 00:05:29,036 --> 00:05:33,020 Well, we're here. Wherever here is, we've arrived. 71 00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:38,084 'And now we'd find out exactly where "here" was. ' 72 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:45,080 You can't tell anything by looking out there. Gentlemen,look who's arrived. We have the... 73 00:05:47,032 --> 00:05:49,057 What are they? 74 00:05:49,092 --> 00:05:51,048 They are flak jackets. 75 00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:53,096 Wow. Why? 76 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:58,084 That is real bullet-proof. Kevlar. 77 00:05:58,119 --> 00:06:00,097 Bullet-proof jackets. 78 00:06:00,132 --> 00:06:02,076 What have we got to do? 79 00:06:07,008 --> 00:06:08,033 Oh, God. What? 80 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,064 Go on. You have landed in Iraq. 81 00:06:16,032 --> 00:06:19,000 I've heard of that. Give up. 82 00:06:21,004 --> 00:06:23,021 Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away, 83 00:06:23,056 --> 00:06:26,566 but between here and there there are a few wars. 84 00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:30,076 Best of luck, and don't forget to pick up some gold, 85 00:06:30,111 --> 00:06:32,029 frankincense and myrrh on the way. 86 00:06:32,064 --> 00:06:35,068 Yeah, enough of the myrrh and stuff, but Iraq? 87 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:37,060 That's Iraq? That is Iraq. 88 00:06:40,036 --> 00:06:43,001 God. 89 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,032 Well, we've got to get off the plane. 90 00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:47,985 Well, you go first. 91 00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:51,028 I can't go first, can I? Because you're parked in the way. 92 00:06:51,063 --> 00:06:52,053 Can we get... 93 00:06:52,088 --> 00:06:56,044 We'll all go at the same time. Yeah, we'll be right behind you. 94 00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:58,040 All just go three, two, one, go. Go. 95 00:07:02,008 --> 00:07:03,049 Everybody know what we're doing? 96 00:07:03,084 --> 00:07:07,024 We'll go on three, two, one, all three out, decent speed, yeah? 97 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,561 Yeah. 98 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,064 Yeah. OK. 99 00:07:12,016 --> 00:07:14,092 Is everybody running? 100 00:07:14,127 --> 00:07:16,993 Handbrakes off. 101 00:07:17,028 --> 00:07:20,064 Anybody want to talk about anything? No, let's just do it, OK, 102 00:07:20,099 --> 00:07:23,091 if we're ready. In... 103 00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:26,084 three, two, one, go! 104 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000 You bastards! 105 00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:44,056 Did you stall? 106 00:07:44,091 --> 00:07:46,024 Yes, I did. 107 00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,092 I'm taking evasive action. 108 00:07:55,072 --> 00:07:58,046 Where are you? "Did you make it?" 109 00:07:58,081 --> 00:08:01,082 I'm alive, I'm hiding in a big shed. 110 00:08:01,117 --> 00:08:04,084 Right, James, in three, two, one, go. 111 00:08:04,119 --> 00:08:06,056 Here we go. 112 00:08:18,004 --> 00:08:19,056 Come on! 113 00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:28,542 You BEEP. Where where you? I'm really sorry, Hammo. 114 00:08:28,577 --> 00:08:31,076 Thanks for leaving me on my own to draw the fire. 115 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,088 Right. 116 00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:37,049 'Having successfully covered 300 yards, 117 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:41,025 'we got the map out so we could plan our next move. ' 118 00:08:41,060 --> 00:08:45,008 According to the sign on the back of that fire engine over there... 119 00:08:46,012 --> 00:08:48,056 .. we are in Arbil, here. 120 00:08:48,091 --> 00:08:50,061 Bethlehem's there. 121 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,037 So, first thing's first, you would agree, 122 00:08:53,072 --> 00:08:56,021 we've got to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible. 123 00:08:56,056 --> 00:09:00,028 Now, the nearest border's Turkey, but there's no road up there, 124 00:09:00,063 --> 00:09:02,017 so if we go into Iran... 125 00:09:02,052 --> 00:09:06,004 Hang on, Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? 126 00:09:06,039 --> 00:09:07,005 Yeah. Yeah. 127 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,985 Well, that's the way we want to go. 128 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:12,033 Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps. 129 00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:15,088 Have you ever seen a television programme called "the news"? 130 00:09:15,123 --> 00:09:17,993 I'm aware of it. 131 00:09:18,028 --> 00:09:21,024 Trust me, Mosul is properlydangerous. Really bad, is it? 132 00:09:21,059 --> 00:09:24,029 That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now. 133 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,000 And that's where we are? That's where it's really bad? 134 00:09:27,035 --> 00:09:29,008 We are less than a fingers-width away. 135 00:09:30,072 --> 00:09:33,029 So, up there, into Iran, 136 00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:36,092 into Turkey, and then down there 137 00:09:36,127 --> 00:09:38,033 and that way, so we miss... 138 00:09:38,068 --> 00:09:41,096 we can get out of Iraq and then go round it. 139 00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:43,017 Sounds like a plan. 140 00:09:43,052 --> 00:09:47,036 So the wise men from the East are setting off east. 141 00:09:47,071 --> 00:09:49,048 East. North-east. Yeah. 142 00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:53,017 And so, with a hastily-organised route mapped out, 143 00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:59,056 we climbed into our cars, which were not armoured Humvees, and set off. 144 00:10:07,072 --> 00:10:11,004 All those things we hear about on the news, the mines, the IEDs, 145 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:14,084 the car bombs, they're all here somewhere. 146 00:10:14,119 --> 00:10:17,008 How do you know how to spot them? 147 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:24,004 Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this, 148 00:10:24,039 --> 00:10:27,028 "Well, we don't give in to kidnap demands". Just pay. 149 00:10:27,063 --> 00:10:30,997 I don't want to be beheaded on the internet. 150 00:10:31,032 --> 00:10:36,024 I bet Richard Hammond is regretting buying a pretty little Fiat now. 151 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,084 I just realised that being at the front, I'm the first target. 152 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:45,021 The clever thing to do would be in the middle. 153 00:10:45,056 --> 00:10:49,048 'Annoyingly, the other two had exactly the same idea. ' 154 00:10:52,008 --> 00:10:54,020 Oh, no, you don't. 155 00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:57,064 You idiot! 156 00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,072 Oh, you cock! 157 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,981 Oh, May! 158 00:11:05,016 --> 00:11:07,080 We were so busy trying to get in the middle, 159 00:11:07,115 --> 00:11:10,036 we weren't looking where we were going. 160 00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:13,064 And soon, we were lost. 161 00:11:18,008 --> 00:11:19,981 We've definitely made a wrong turning. 162 00:11:20,016 --> 00:11:22,060 This cannot be the way out of town, look at it. 163 00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:36,072 Oh, deary me. 164 00:11:38,024 --> 00:11:40,076 This isn't a main road, now, is it? 165 00:11:40,111 --> 00:11:42,064 I'm very uneasy here. 166 00:11:46,048 --> 00:11:48,008 Really bad. 167 00:11:49,092 --> 00:11:54,080 I'm sorry, guys, this is just the perfect place for an ambush. 168 00:11:54,115 --> 00:11:56,061 Look how high everything is around as. 169 00:11:56,096 --> 00:12:01,032 Go round the corner and check it out for us. 170 00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:03,021 I'm not going round... 171 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,092 I am going round. Hammond, don't be an arse! 172 00:12:06,127 --> 00:12:08,053 Hammond, stop it. Hammond! Hammond! 173 00:12:08,088 --> 00:12:12,054 Tell us what it's like, tell us what you can see. 174 00:12:12,089 --> 00:12:16,020 What I could see was a route back to civilisation. 175 00:12:16,055 --> 00:12:18,571 We were in the clear. 176 00:12:18,606 --> 00:12:21,088 And then, we weren't. 177 00:12:21,123 --> 00:12:24,036 HORNS HONKING 178 00:12:25,032 --> 00:12:27,088 Oh God, that's catastrophic. 179 00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:28,997 RATTLING 180 00:12:29,032 --> 00:12:32,016 It's minutes from complete death, this thing. 181 00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:34,969 CUTS OUT 182 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,052 In fact, there it is. 183 00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:45,016 I think what's happened is some pistons have fused. 184 00:12:46,072 --> 00:12:50,076 Still, at least we're in a part of town where I'm sure there's a BMW dealer. 185 00:12:50,111 --> 00:12:54,020 It's let you down badly, mate, your wisest choice of all. 186 00:12:54,055 --> 00:12:57,027 I heard him on the plane, "I'm the wisest... " 187 00:12:57,062 --> 00:12:59,965 "I'm the wisest of them all". Is this helping? 188 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,040 No, I was going to say, I love the way you are so constructive 189 00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:05,008 in these moments of great peril. 190 00:13:06,004 --> 00:13:10,000 James fashioned an inspection pit out of a nearby open sewer 191 00:13:10,035 --> 00:13:12,080 and told us to go away. 192 00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:17,072 I'm just thinking, I know we're not supposed to just wander off, but... 193 00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,969 That's Iraq. Right there. 194 00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:25,064 You know, I was just thinking how you stand here, 195 00:13:25,099 --> 00:13:28,001 there's a kitchen supplier here, 196 00:13:28,036 --> 00:13:31,092 and there's a schoolboy there with his tie on, 197 00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:33,037 and everything's normal. 198 00:13:33,072 --> 00:13:38,036 But it just takes one in a million to be not normal. 199 00:13:38,071 --> 00:13:40,056 It just takes one... TYRES SCREECH 200 00:13:40,091 --> 00:13:42,040 See, a noise like that, 201 00:13:42,075 --> 00:13:44,045 one person, 202 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,024 and then it's not a normal place at all. 203 00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,012 I didn't jump at that noise. 204 00:13:51,088 --> 00:13:56,056 'James's ultimate driving machine soon began to annoy the locals. ' 205 00:13:56,091 --> 00:13:57,981 You want to go here? 206 00:13:58,016 --> 00:14:01,009 'But then there was a development. ' 207 00:14:01,044 --> 00:14:06,000 Good news. What? There is a back-up car on this journey, 208 00:14:06,035 --> 00:14:07,973 I've just been told by the producers. 209 00:14:08,008 --> 00:14:11,028 Oh great, I expect it's an XKR convertible? 210 00:14:11,063 --> 00:14:14,040 It's behind you. 211 00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:16,060 Oh, God. 212 00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:19,057 Is that a 1.6 Astra convertible? 213 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:22,056 Yes it is, and it's utterly... It's terrible. 214 00:14:22,091 --> 00:14:24,985 It's the worst convertible in the world. 215 00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:28,056 It's a sponge cake with no flavour. Yeah, it's a dreadful car. 216 00:14:28,091 --> 00:14:30,965 This has filled me with a sense of relief. 217 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,008 We were going to leave him and he would have been... 218 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,997 But now we can go knowing he's going to be OK. 219 00:14:38,032 --> 00:14:41,036 It makes it easier for us to follow the code. It does. 220 00:14:41,071 --> 00:14:44,040 Do you know what? What? It does, goodbye. Yes, goodbye. 221 00:14:49,052 --> 00:14:50,981 Car OK? 222 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:53,084 Yes, in every way. The Fiat's fine. 223 00:14:56,040 --> 00:15:01,008 James was hoping to mend his car without attracting too much attention. 224 00:15:01,043 --> 00:15:02,080 However... 225 00:15:05,076 --> 00:15:07,048 Hands out! 226 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:14,037 'Spurred on by the wretched Astra, 227 00:15:14,072 --> 00:15:17,060 'I finally brought Lazarus back to life. ' 228 00:15:17,095 --> 00:15:18,084 ENGINE TURNS OVER 229 00:15:18,119 --> 00:15:20,061 Yes! 230 00:15:20,096 --> 00:15:22,004 CHEERING 231 00:15:23,044 --> 00:15:27,004 Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it without those meddling kids. 232 00:15:28,016 --> 00:15:30,084 'But then, 20 minutes later... ' 233 00:15:30,119 --> 00:15:32,103 RATTLING 234 00:15:32,138 --> 00:15:34,053 Oh, cock! 235 00:15:34,088 --> 00:15:36,997 'I'd done 11 miles, 236 00:15:37,032 --> 00:15:41,534 'and since there were 1,989 to go, I found a workshop 237 00:15:41,569 --> 00:15:46,036 'and then I found that the cylinders were full of water. ' 238 00:15:47,044 --> 00:15:48,029 Right, it's ten to one, 239 00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:52,009 the engine is as disassembled as it needs to be, 240 00:15:52,044 --> 00:15:55,041 here's the new cylinder head gasket, that will go on, 241 00:15:55,076 --> 00:15:59,040 the engine will go back together and hopefully keep me out of the Astra. 242 00:15:59,075 --> 00:16:00,096 I hope that works, though. 243 00:16:05,092 --> 00:16:08,096 The next morning, we left Arbil with our colleague in... 244 00:16:08,131 --> 00:16:11,044 .. his BMW. 245 00:16:13,064 --> 00:16:16,088 I wish the Astra would stop just driving right behind me. 246 00:16:16,123 --> 00:16:20,040 He's made his point. I've triumphed over him, 247 00:16:20,075 --> 00:16:22,052 so he can sod off, frankly. 248 00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:26,030 In the end, Arbil had felt quite safe. 249 00:16:26,065 --> 00:16:28,977 But, as we drove into the countryside, 250 00:16:29,012 --> 00:16:31,080 there were more and more military checkpoints. 251 00:16:35,032 --> 00:16:37,080 Scary guards. Scary guards. 252 00:16:37,115 --> 00:16:39,096 Scary guards. 253 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:48,064 Lot of men, lot of guns. 254 00:16:52,016 --> 00:16:54,005 As we drove on, it started to rain, 255 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,096 and the roads became unbelievably slippery. 256 00:16:58,068 --> 00:16:59,053 Holy BEEP. 257 00:16:59,088 --> 00:17:01,045 I've got a tankslapper. 258 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,048 I've gone, I've gone off, that's what I've done. 259 00:17:07,008 --> 00:17:09,092 I've never driven on a road surface like this, ever. 260 00:17:09,127 --> 00:17:11,064 'And it wasn't just the road... ' 261 00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:12,057 Whoa! Heavens! 262 00:17:12,092 --> 00:17:15,060 '.. that felt very, very dangerous. ' 263 00:17:20,076 --> 00:17:23,028 Oh, I don't like it here. 264 00:17:24,036 --> 00:17:26,029 We are quite close to the Iranian border, 265 00:17:26,064 --> 00:17:30,064 and of course the historic relationship between Iraq and Iran 266 00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:34,064 is not good, and this is quite literally bandit territory. 267 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:41,040 If there's a road-block up here and they're not police, what shall we do? 268 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,981 I do know I'm getting drenched, so I'm going to put the roof up. 269 00:17:47,016 --> 00:17:52,552 Roofs up, we moved off with Jeremy setting an unusually cautious pace. 270 00:17:52,587 --> 00:17:58,088 I doubtless should be telling you all sorts of things about this car. 271 00:17:58,123 --> 00:18:02,040 I'm just more concerned about not being here at any more. 272 00:18:02,075 --> 00:18:05,061 Even thought the war in Iraq is officially over, 273 00:18:05,096 --> 00:18:10,080 1,000 people a year are still being killed by roadside bombs alone. 274 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,009 This is how you go round a corner in Iraq - 275 00:18:15,044 --> 00:18:19,045 creep in about one mile an hour, checking the apex, 276 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:23,016 checking the sightlines, don't like the look of that, backing up. 277 00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:31,036 As we crawled along, I had a brainwave which I was eager to share, 278 00:18:31,071 --> 00:18:33,577 so we pulled over at an underground market 279 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,084 which had a waterfall and a river in it. 280 00:18:38,096 --> 00:18:43,008 I've called you together because I know how to make my car bullet-proof. 281 00:18:43,043 --> 00:18:45,013 Oh, yeah? Really? No... 282 00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:50,029 I am going to take the door linings off and fill the doors with sand, 283 00:18:50,064 --> 00:18:56,000 and put the doors back on, so you're driving around with two sandbags on either side of you. 284 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,025 That's not a bad idea... is it? 285 00:18:57,060 --> 00:19:00,061 I don't think it'll work. Does a sandbag stop a bullet? 286 00:19:00,096 --> 00:19:05,036 A sandbag, yes. Why won't a door, a sand door, stop a bullet? 287 00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:07,052 You're only going to have that much sand. 288 00:19:07,087 --> 00:19:09,045 No, that much sand. It's not enough. 289 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,046 OK, you carry on... I'd say it was worth a try, actually. 290 00:19:13,081 --> 00:19:17,012 I hate to say it, cos he thought of it, but actually, 291 00:19:17,047 --> 00:19:19,036 think about it, it might, it might work. 292 00:19:20,032 --> 00:19:22,092 Meeting over, I bought Hammond a local souvenir. 293 00:19:24,088 --> 00:19:27,056 Would you like a.50 cal bullet... Yeah? 294 00:19:27,091 --> 00:19:28,985 .. which is... 295 00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:31,024 a cigarette lighter? 296 00:19:32,056 --> 00:19:36,060 And then we went to find a quiet spot for my experiment. 297 00:19:36,095 --> 00:19:38,045 Careful, you got a bit in the door. 298 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,052 Shut up. Only a little bit, but... Shut up. 299 00:19:44,024 --> 00:19:47,004 Behold. That will stop the round. 300 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,997 That would stop an RPG. Yeah. You'll notice... 301 00:19:51,032 --> 00:19:54,040 'My armoured Mazda was ready for testing, so I brought in 302 00:19:54,075 --> 00:19:55,969 'our armed security man, 303 00:19:56,004 --> 00:20:00,092 'who had learned in the Special Forces how to have a pixellated face. ' 304 00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:08,009 Observe, if you will, the 9mm entrance hole, yes? 305 00:20:08,044 --> 00:20:12,040 Shall we have a look to see how much of it has gone through? 306 00:20:12,075 --> 00:20:14,543 It's gone straight through. 307 00:20:14,578 --> 00:20:17,012 'And it had kept going. ' 308 00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:21,013 Oh, Lord! 309 00:20:21,048 --> 00:20:23,993 Oh, God! How's that happened? 310 00:20:24,028 --> 00:20:26,053 It knocked bits of bullet or bits of doorframe... 311 00:20:26,088 --> 00:20:29,989 So the bullet shatters and... .. turns into more bullets. 312 00:20:30,024 --> 00:20:34,040 Yeah. You're going to be all right in there, mate. Nothing to see here. 313 00:20:36,044 --> 00:20:38,997 With 30 miles to go to the Iranian border, 314 00:20:39,032 --> 00:20:43,056 James calmed his nerves with a little carol concert. 315 00:20:43,091 --> 00:20:46,033 ♪ We three blokes from BBC Two 316 00:20:46,068 --> 00:20:49,009 ♪ One colour gold car, one colour poo, 317 00:20:49,044 --> 00:20:52,068 ♪ Oh-oh, brought the wrong cars, brought the right, 318 00:20:52,103 --> 00:20:55,053 ♪ Working heater, working lights, 319 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:59,036 ♪ Westward-going Gasket maybe blowing 320 00:20:59,071 --> 00:21:00,072 ♪ What a piece of sh... 321 00:21:09,004 --> 00:21:10,965 I believe that town ahead of us 322 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,080 is the last townbefore the border. Yes! 323 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,045 Sorry. 324 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:28,056 This is it, chaps. Sort out the paperwork. 325 00:21:28,091 --> 00:21:30,085 See you in a sec. 326 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,045 That's a relief. 327 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,080 My headlights aren't very good. No, mine aren't. 328 00:21:39,012 --> 00:21:41,064 'Jeremy was back rather quickly. ' 329 00:21:42,036 --> 00:21:45,080 Right. Bad news. 330 00:21:45,115 --> 00:21:47,004 What? 331 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:52,024 For political reasons, the BBC is not allowed into Iran. 332 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,057 Not allowed? You what? No-one from the BBC... 333 00:21:55,092 --> 00:21:58,570 I thought it was just BBC News, but the whole BBC 334 00:21:58,605 --> 00:22:02,048 is not allowed in Iran so we can't cross the border. 335 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:03,997 A car show isn't allowed into...? 336 00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:08,004 Never mind... Let's not get bogged down. We aren't allowed in. 337 00:22:08,039 --> 00:22:09,981 So Ant and Dec can come here? 338 00:22:10,016 --> 00:22:15,056 Ant and Dec, Simon Cowell,C hris Tarrant... Fifth Gear? 339 00:22:15,091 --> 00:22:17,013 Fifth Gear. Emmerdale Farm? 340 00:22:17,048 --> 00:22:20,092 Emmerdale Farm but not DavidAttenborough, not us. Springwatch? 341 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,004 'We consulted the map and the situation was bleak. 342 00:22:26,039 --> 00:22:27,057 'East was now out. 343 00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:29,021 'Baghdad was to the south 344 00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:32,564 'and the Al-Qaeda stronghold of Mosul was to the west. 345 00:22:32,599 --> 00:22:36,072 'Our only option was to go back down the mountain road 346 00:22:36,107 --> 00:22:41,025 'and try and find a safe road north into Turkey. ' 347 00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:44,096 I bet the original three wise men never had this problem. 348 00:22:44,131 --> 00:22:47,985 Well, they weren't BBC, were they? 349 00:22:48,020 --> 00:22:52,044 We thought it too risky to tackle the mountain road at night, 350 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:55,581 so now we had to find somewhere to stay. 351 00:22:55,616 --> 00:22:59,049 There is nothing even remotely hotelish. 352 00:22:59,084 --> 00:23:02,060 We're travelling at night, we have nowhere to stay. 353 00:23:03,092 --> 00:23:06,080 Probably the worst thing we could do right now. 354 00:23:08,036 --> 00:23:09,096 Lights ahead, chaps. 355 00:23:19,068 --> 00:23:21,061 The following morning, it turned out 356 00:23:21,096 --> 00:23:25,024 we'd stayed at an Iraqi amusement park, which was a bit weird. 357 00:23:34,052 --> 00:23:36,092 That's Richard Hammond. 358 00:23:44,052 --> 00:23:47,993 While we were on the rides, we realised something. 359 00:23:48,028 --> 00:23:51,064 We'd been in Iraq for two days and we hadn't been shot even once, 360 00:23:51,099 --> 00:23:54,080 or blown up or beheaded on the internet. 361 00:23:54,115 --> 00:23:58,028 In short, we had an epiphany. 362 00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:02,973 I'm not wearing this any more. 363 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:06,036 I'm glad you said that. I haven't felt in need of this. 364 00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:08,001 Ahhh... 365 00:24:08,036 --> 00:24:10,985 I'm glad we're not going to Iran, 366 00:24:11,020 --> 00:24:13,021 cos I'm sorry, I know this is Iraq, OK, 367 00:24:13,056 --> 00:24:18,028 but it's the Kurdistan region of Iraq so it's full of Kurds. 368 00:24:18,063 --> 00:24:20,025 They're all lovely. 369 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:24,053 Everybody's very friendly. It's about as dangerous as Cheltenham. 370 00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:29,020 So come on, the sun is out, three convertible sports cars, we're in the mountains. 371 00:24:29,055 --> 00:24:31,076 We can go down the same road again, but enjoy it. 372 00:24:41,016 --> 00:24:43,017 Wow! Business as usual. 373 00:24:43,052 --> 00:24:47,004 This is incredible. I'm in a Mazda MX-5, 374 00:24:47,039 --> 00:24:49,044 plunging through Iraq. 375 00:24:49,079 --> 00:24:51,056 Ah ha-ha! 376 00:24:53,056 --> 00:24:56,016 With the fear gone, we could for the first time 377 00:24:56,051 --> 00:24:58,080 think about the cars we'd bought. 378 00:25:02,036 --> 00:25:05,076 Come on then, little Barchetta, let's see what you've got. 379 00:25:06,068 --> 00:25:09,037 The weird thing is, of the three, 380 00:25:09,072 --> 00:25:12,045 this is the least like a traditional roadster. 381 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:16,072 It's front-wheel-drive, it's based on a Fiat Punto underneath. 382 00:25:16,107 --> 00:25:18,981 But this is a glorious little car. 383 00:25:19,016 --> 00:25:22,024 The whole front wheel-drive issue just doesn't matter. 384 00:25:22,059 --> 00:25:26,016 This feels special and that's all that matters 385 00:25:26,051 --> 00:25:27,060 in a two-seater roadster. 386 00:25:31,004 --> 00:25:33,013 As you'd expect with an MX-5, 387 00:25:33,048 --> 00:25:37,052 every single thing on it is perfect. 388 00:25:39,064 --> 00:25:41,072 Apart from some holes in this door. 389 00:25:42,072 --> 00:25:45,060 How does a bullet split into three parts 390 00:25:45,095 --> 00:25:47,096 while travelling through a Mazda? 391 00:25:47,131 --> 00:25:50,025 I think it's a sign. 392 00:25:50,060 --> 00:25:54,016 The Father, the Son and the Holy Door. 393 00:25:56,060 --> 00:25:58,997 Meanwhile, at the back... 394 00:25:59,032 --> 00:26:03,024 Viewers, strictly between you and me, I may have made a bit of an error. 395 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,021 Erm... 396 00:26:05,056 --> 00:26:06,049 How can I put it? 397 00:26:06,084 --> 00:26:09,564 The engine is too small, the suspension is too soft 398 00:26:09,599 --> 00:26:13,044 and the gaps between the gear ratios are so big, 399 00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:16,000 I could get another gearbox in them. 400 00:26:16,035 --> 00:26:19,096 Come on! And change. 401 00:26:22,016 --> 00:26:23,024 Thank you. 402 00:26:30,084 --> 00:26:33,546 As we headed deeper into northern Iraq, 403 00:26:33,581 --> 00:26:36,973 the scenery became even more spectacular. 404 00:26:37,008 --> 00:26:41,032 I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been anywhere more beautiful. 405 00:26:41,067 --> 00:26:43,048 It's movingly beautiful. 406 00:26:48,060 --> 00:26:51,045 I am so glad 407 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,040 we weren't allowed into Iran cos if we were there now, 408 00:26:55,075 --> 00:26:58,032 I wouldn't be seeing this incredible place. 409 00:26:58,067 --> 00:27:01,012 Why were we ever frightened here? 410 00:27:04,068 --> 00:27:07,005 Sadly, not all of Iraq is this peaceful, 411 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:11,036 so the next morning we found a road to Turkey and set off, 412 00:27:11,071 --> 00:27:14,020 still heading away from Bethlehem. 413 00:27:19,076 --> 00:27:22,005 Jeremy's got a dish-dash thing on his head 414 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,540 which makes him look like Lawrence of Incompetence. 415 00:27:25,575 --> 00:27:29,040 But at least he had managed to learn a few local words, 416 00:27:29,075 --> 00:27:33,048 which came in handy at the next filling station. 417 00:27:33,083 --> 00:27:35,029 Just remember, 418 00:27:35,064 --> 00:27:37,032 "bhedji" is petrol. 419 00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,041 "Bhedji" is bastard. 420 00:27:39,076 --> 00:27:42,004 So don't, whatever you do, get that wrong. 421 00:27:42,039 --> 00:27:43,084 Is there anybody here? 422 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,020 'There was... sort of. ' 423 00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:57,052 I don't like to wake a man up just for some petrol. 424 00:27:57,087 --> 00:28:00,032 Especially if I accidentally call him a bastard. 425 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:08,092 So we trundled onwards and soon we arrived at the scary Turkish border. 426 00:28:13,008 --> 00:28:17,068 Oh... This doesn't feel friendly at all somehow. 427 00:28:20,092 --> 00:28:23,004 Out the car? Yes, please. OK. 428 00:28:34,016 --> 00:28:36,084 What's he going to do? 429 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:48,092 That's a can of... 430 00:28:48,127 --> 00:28:49,989 Oh... 431 00:28:50,024 --> 00:28:52,973 What is this? I can explain. 432 00:28:53,008 --> 00:28:55,052 It's... It's erm... it's a lighter. 433 00:28:55,087 --> 00:28:59,012 Lighter? Yeah. Sorry. 434 00:28:59,047 --> 00:29:00,965 Are you sure? 435 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,076 Yeah. Can I show it to you... See? 436 00:29:02,111 --> 00:29:05,041 It erm... If you do that. 437 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:07,088 Then it... Oh, it doesn't work. 438 00:29:07,123 --> 00:29:09,105 You are a funny man. 439 00:29:09,140 --> 00:29:11,088 Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. 440 00:29:14,036 --> 00:29:16,072 OK, I think I may have just had a wee. 441 00:29:17,084 --> 00:29:23,032 On the other side of the border, we pulled over for new instructions. 442 00:29:24,084 --> 00:29:27,004 They've moved in. Predictable. 443 00:29:28,068 --> 00:29:30,038 You idiots. 444 00:29:30,073 --> 00:29:31,973 Yes. Strong. 445 00:29:32,008 --> 00:29:37,092 You have escaped from a region where there is no war into a region where there is. 446 00:29:39,056 --> 00:29:42,072 The Kurds are fighting the Turks for independence, 447 00:29:42,107 --> 00:29:45,037 so if you really are wise men, 448 00:29:45,072 --> 00:29:49,048 you will get to your hotel in the safe zone by nightfall. 449 00:29:52,056 --> 00:29:53,965 And more... 450 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,041 Ah, Foreign Office. 451 00:29:56,076 --> 00:29:59,965 British Government Foreign Office travel summary. 452 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,036 We advise against all but essential travel in the provinces of Hakkari, 453 00:30:04,071 --> 00:30:07,024 Sirnak, Siirt and Tunceli. 454 00:30:11,008 --> 00:30:13,072 Nine attacks this year so far. 455 00:30:13,107 --> 00:30:15,016 High threat of terrorism. 456 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,005 This is worse then, than Iraq. 457 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,028 I thought I'd said goodbye to this. 458 00:30:21,063 --> 00:30:23,020 Is that where we're going? 459 00:30:23,055 --> 00:30:25,033 We're going to... 460 00:30:25,068 --> 00:30:26,977 That's 220 miles. 461 00:30:27,012 --> 00:30:29,044 That's 363 kilometres. 462 00:30:29,079 --> 00:30:31,969 That's 220 miles. 463 00:30:32,004 --> 00:30:36,029 We've got 220 miles to do in... 464 00:30:36,064 --> 00:30:39,080 Four and a half hours. Fourand a half hours. Not possible. 465 00:30:43,084 --> 00:30:47,032 I'm afraid, chaps, this has just become a test 466 00:30:47,067 --> 00:30:49,072 of who's got the fastest car. 467 00:30:52,008 --> 00:30:53,016 Here we go... 468 00:30:54,024 --> 00:30:56,036 Speed saves lives! 469 00:30:57,076 --> 00:31:01,044 Fast driving here, though, was a perilous business. 470 00:31:01,079 --> 00:31:04,036 Oh, whoa, bit bumpy there! 471 00:31:06,012 --> 00:31:08,016 What the hell? 472 00:31:08,051 --> 00:31:09,033 Oh, God. 473 00:31:09,068 --> 00:31:11,052 I'd rather be blown up. 474 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,025 These roads are BLEEP. 475 00:31:14,060 --> 00:31:19,024 It feels like they just poured some tarmac on to the terrain. 476 00:31:19,059 --> 00:31:20,973 Oh, no! My hat! 477 00:31:21,008 --> 00:31:23,005 But despite the discomfort, 478 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:27,028 Top Gear's orang-utan decided to go even faster. 479 00:31:27,063 --> 00:31:29,052 Come on then, you two, come on! 480 00:31:29,087 --> 00:31:30,561 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 481 00:31:30,596 --> 00:31:32,001 Which went well. 482 00:31:32,036 --> 00:31:34,985 Oh, God. What the hell? 483 00:31:35,020 --> 00:31:38,000 CHUGGING Guys, I've got a big problem. 484 00:31:38,035 --> 00:31:40,012 Big problem. Big problem. 485 00:31:45,012 --> 00:31:47,009 CHUGGING AND RATTLING That's the exhaust. 486 00:31:47,044 --> 00:31:49,985 Sounds like the exhaust manifold. It does, it does. 487 00:31:50,020 --> 00:31:53,080 I think you'll find, chaps, it's just a spark plug that's come out. 488 00:31:53,115 --> 00:31:55,037 It's always good when that happens. 489 00:31:55,072 --> 00:31:59,024 At least we're not in a dangerous part of the world. 490 00:32:01,044 --> 00:32:03,001 What an ape. What? You. 491 00:32:03,036 --> 00:32:06,016 What? How can I be responsible for a spark plug? 492 00:32:06,051 --> 00:32:08,973 We're supposed to be three wise men, 493 00:32:09,008 --> 00:32:12,080 not two wise men, sorry, one of them blew his Mazda up, we left him. 494 00:32:12,115 --> 00:32:15,076 11 miles, Ted Nugent did. 495 00:32:15,111 --> 00:32:17,061 Oh, my God. 496 00:32:17,096 --> 00:32:19,049 ♪ We three kings of Orient are 497 00:32:19,084 --> 00:32:21,032 ♪ One in a Vauxhall, two in sports cars... 498 00:32:21,067 --> 00:32:23,973 I don't need you, I don't. 499 00:32:24,008 --> 00:32:25,053 Thank you for helping me, Richard. 500 00:32:25,088 --> 00:32:28,040 Thank you. But you love doing this, you two. 501 00:32:28,075 --> 00:32:30,065 This is your favourite thing. 502 00:32:30,100 --> 00:32:32,056 Is the plug not actually... 503 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:37,024 Why are you being so annoying today? 504 00:32:37,059 --> 00:32:39,088 Even by your own standards. 505 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,013 Eventually, the spark plug was glued back into place. 506 00:32:46,048 --> 00:32:50,032 But, we were still in the danger zone, and running out of light. 507 00:32:52,024 --> 00:32:54,029 Look at this. 508 00:32:54,064 --> 00:32:57,076 A bit more serious than those ones we saw in Iraq. 509 00:32:59,052 --> 00:33:02,068 That is a man surrounded by sandbags. 510 00:33:02,103 --> 00:33:04,020 Sandbags don't work. 511 00:33:07,008 --> 00:33:09,000 Trying to be helpful. 512 00:33:10,048 --> 00:33:13,053 'Mercifully, though, the road soon improved. ' 513 00:33:13,088 --> 00:33:18,016 Right, looks like we've got ourselves a dual-carriageway here. 514 00:33:18,051 --> 00:33:19,021 Oh, that's better. 515 00:33:19,056 --> 00:33:23,060 'But unfortunately, no-one had told the locals how to use it. ' 516 00:33:24,072 --> 00:33:28,048 There's a lorry on the wrong side of the dual-carriageway, guys. 517 00:33:28,083 --> 00:33:30,064 The wrong way on a dual-carriageway. 518 00:33:37,092 --> 00:33:40,092 This is bloody suicidal. What are they doing? 519 00:33:43,048 --> 00:33:48,072 The highway madness meant it was well after dark when we reached safety. 520 00:33:48,107 --> 00:33:54,036 My car's running like a pig. "Mine is as well. Absolute pig. " 521 00:33:54,071 --> 00:33:57,076 "I think that road has basically shaken the engines - 522 00:33:57,111 --> 00:34:00,012 "quite literally, in my case - to pieces. " 523 00:34:00,047 --> 00:34:02,049 Er, mine's fine. 524 00:34:02,084 --> 00:34:06,016 If you think about it, who would ever have guessed 525 00:34:06,051 --> 00:34:08,061 out of the three, a Mazda, a BMW and a Fiat, 526 00:34:08,096 --> 00:34:11,084 that the Fiat would appear to be holding together best. 527 00:34:11,119 --> 00:34:14,072 Hammond continued boasting all the way to the hotel. 528 00:34:14,107 --> 00:34:18,040 So that night, after a top level brainstorm, 529 00:34:18,075 --> 00:34:20,973 we set about the business of revenge. 530 00:34:21,008 --> 00:34:26,008 Right, so I will disconnect these, which go to that. You with me? 531 00:34:26,043 --> 00:34:29,020 Yeah, yeah. Disconnect these, and then put two new ones on. 532 00:34:29,055 --> 00:34:31,025 'In short, we disconnect the stereo 533 00:34:31,060 --> 00:34:34,068 'and wire a hidden new one into the ignition. ' 534 00:34:34,103 --> 00:34:37,013 He's going to have the worst, 535 00:34:37,048 --> 00:34:42,045 literally the worst journey, in human history. 536 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:47,024 So, this is now utterly redundant and not connected up to anything. 537 00:34:47,059 --> 00:34:51,056 'All we had to now was choose some music he hated. ' 538 00:34:51,091 --> 00:34:53,068 James, I've got the perfect CD. 539 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,052 Come on. 540 00:35:04,076 --> 00:35:08,020 The next morning, we discovered this wasn't the best day 541 00:35:08,055 --> 00:35:10,096 to be giving Hammond sudden surprises. 542 00:35:10,131 --> 00:35:11,613 It's just... I can't... 543 00:35:11,648 --> 00:35:13,061 Where have you been? 544 00:35:13,096 --> 00:35:16,084 News of a slightly inconvenient nature, 545 00:35:16,119 --> 00:35:18,092 they have arrived. 546 00:35:18,127 --> 00:35:21,045 The trots. 547 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,053 How badly? Ah. Really... 548 00:35:24,088 --> 00:35:27,092 Is it the brown rain? Don't go there. Brown rain?! 549 00:35:27,127 --> 00:35:29,084 Don't go there. Seriously, is it bad? 550 00:35:29,119 --> 00:35:31,009 Catastrophic. 551 00:35:31,044 --> 00:35:34,566 It's as if somebody turned on a tap at 3am and left it running. 552 00:35:34,601 --> 00:35:38,088 If you're having your Boxing Daylunch now, I apologise. Sorry. 553 00:35:40,044 --> 00:35:43,096 At least I can rely on the sympathy of my colleagues. That's good. 554 00:35:43,131 --> 00:35:47,012 Can I listen to yours on tick-over? It's beautiful. 555 00:35:49,084 --> 00:35:51,001 They always make... 556 00:35:51,036 --> 00:35:54,028 MUSIC BY GENESIS STARTS PLAYING 557 00:35:57,036 --> 00:35:58,088 I can't stop it! 558 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,040 I didn't think you liked Genesis. 559 00:36:02,075 --> 00:36:04,048 I can't stop it! 560 00:36:05,076 --> 00:36:07,574 Weird. 561 00:36:07,609 --> 00:36:10,037 You BLEEP! 562 00:36:10,072 --> 00:36:12,540 What have you done? 563 00:36:12,575 --> 00:36:15,008 MUSIC CONTINUES 564 00:36:18,036 --> 00:36:21,981 All right, Genesis. Oh... 565 00:36:22,016 --> 00:36:26,064 Oh, great. Bloody keyboard solo. 566 00:36:29,096 --> 00:36:31,985 Hammond's day was very miserable. 567 00:36:32,020 --> 00:36:37,076 But while queuing at the Syrian border, May's became even worse. 568 00:36:40,004 --> 00:36:42,025 Nothing to see. Won't it go? 569 00:36:42,060 --> 00:36:44,080 I think it's this stupid alarm. Hang on. 570 00:36:47,016 --> 00:36:48,037 "Armed". 571 00:36:48,072 --> 00:36:52,012 Armed? Don't say that when you're going into Syria. 572 00:36:52,047 --> 00:36:52,997 "Disarmed. " 573 00:36:53,032 --> 00:36:54,037 I didn't touch it then. 574 00:36:54,072 --> 00:36:58,000 'The alarm had totally immobilised the engine. ' 575 00:36:58,035 --> 00:37:00,057 Come on. Make it go. It doesn't work. 576 00:37:00,092 --> 00:37:06,076 So, what with one thing and another, our arrival into Syria was a bit of a shambles. 577 00:37:06,111 --> 00:37:08,033 GENESIS BLARES 578 00:37:08,068 --> 00:37:12,012 Stop, stop. Gently, I said. Ah! 579 00:37:13,076 --> 00:37:16,001 Sorry. Sorry. 580 00:37:16,036 --> 00:37:19,064 Morning, sorry. I can't - it's broken. 581 00:37:19,099 --> 00:37:22,045 I can't turn it off. Doesn't work. 582 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:25,580 It would take several hours to clear customs, 583 00:37:25,615 --> 00:37:29,080 so we all set about doing what we had to do. 584 00:37:31,072 --> 00:37:33,068 Ugh... 585 00:37:34,096 --> 00:37:35,592 "Armed. " 586 00:37:35,627 --> 00:37:37,353 "Disarmed. " 587 00:37:37,388 --> 00:37:39,080 "Armed. " 588 00:37:40,064 --> 00:37:42,036 "Armed. " 589 00:37:43,036 --> 00:37:44,548 "Disarmed. " 590 00:37:44,583 --> 00:37:46,060 RICHARD WHIMPERS 591 00:37:46,095 --> 00:37:49,000 GUSHING 592 00:37:49,072 --> 00:37:51,977 Please end. End. 593 00:37:52,012 --> 00:37:56,056 "The alarm will sound if you don't back away. " 594 00:37:58,048 --> 00:38:02,004 Plague. Red cross, just lets people know there's plague in it. 595 00:38:02,039 --> 00:38:04,072 Yeah. It is comforting having you around, Jeremy. 596 00:38:06,024 --> 00:38:08,080 Eventually, we hammered James's car back into life... 597 00:38:08,115 --> 00:38:10,029 ENGINE REVS 598 00:38:10,064 --> 00:38:13,993 Yes!.. and we crossed into yet another country. 599 00:38:14,028 --> 00:38:19,016 We've only been in Syria for half a mile and it's better than Turkey. 600 00:38:19,051 --> 00:38:21,033 Also, we need to start thinking about gold, 601 00:38:21,068 --> 00:38:25,016 frankincense and myrrh as a gift for the Baby Jesus. 602 00:38:27,020 --> 00:38:30,016 For the first time, we three kings of Orient are 603 00:38:30,051 --> 00:38:32,525 were actually heading towards Bethlehem. 604 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,965 But when we stopped for a map check, 605 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,981 we realised our journey was still fraught with problems. 606 00:38:39,016 --> 00:38:43,080 Right, for political reasons, you cant go from Syria into Israel, 607 00:38:43,115 --> 00:38:46,081 because they won't let you. The border's shut. 608 00:38:46,116 --> 00:38:49,062 Why can't we just go through the Lebanon? 609 00:38:49,097 --> 00:38:51,973 The Lebanon into Israel? That's a great idea! 610 00:38:52,008 --> 00:38:55,034 You'll find that really tricky. You won't be able to... 611 00:38:55,069 --> 00:38:58,025 So, we can't go Syria-Israel. We can't do Lebanon-Israel. 612 00:38:58,060 --> 00:39:03,008 No, but we can, I think, the border between Jordan and Israel is open, 613 00:39:03,043 --> 00:39:04,001 and quite friendly. 614 00:39:04,036 --> 00:39:07,064 If we go through Syria into Jordan and then across into Israel. 615 00:39:07,099 --> 00:39:09,045 I think you're right. Yes. 616 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:14,068 The only problem we've got is that if the Israelis know we've been in Syria, 617 00:39:14,103 --> 00:39:16,055 they won't let us in. 618 00:39:16,090 --> 00:39:17,973 At the border? Yeah. 619 00:39:18,008 --> 00:39:19,037 Well, we've got two passports. 620 00:39:19,072 --> 00:39:21,965 It's not the passports I'm worried about. 621 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,030 You go to a country - oh, Top Gear's here! You're on the news. 622 00:39:25,065 --> 00:39:28,550 The Israelis will say, you've been in Syria, you can't come in. 623 00:39:28,585 --> 00:39:32,036 Yeah, but in Syria? Yeah, it'snot like France, or Australia. 624 00:39:32,071 --> 00:39:34,048 Syria, they won't watch Top Gear. 625 00:39:37,028 --> 00:39:38,088 You watch Top Gear? 626 00:39:38,123 --> 00:39:39,985 Yes. 627 00:39:40,020 --> 00:39:43,040 'At the next town, James's theory rather fell apart. ' 628 00:39:43,075 --> 00:39:44,045 "Top Gear. " 629 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:48,020 Welcome Captain Slow in Syria. Welcome! 630 00:39:48,055 --> 00:39:50,063 OK, are we all in? Yes? 631 00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:52,037 Yes, yes, of course. 632 00:39:52,072 --> 00:39:54,092 This has gone quite badly wrong now. 633 00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:58,088 So, we called an emergency meeting. 634 00:40:00,068 --> 00:40:05,056 There's no way, with that level of Top Gear interest, we'll make it to Bethlehem. 635 00:40:05,091 --> 00:40:07,981 Literally, it'll take five minutes 636 00:40:08,016 --> 00:40:11,068 and the news crews will be here, radio stations, newspapers. 637 00:40:11,103 --> 00:40:14,065 "Top Gear are in Syria. " You mark my words. 638 00:40:14,100 --> 00:40:17,028 We've got to cross Syria without being found. 639 00:40:17,063 --> 00:40:19,048 We need a plan. 640 00:40:21,084 --> 00:40:24,056 PROGRAMME OVERDUBBED INTO ARABIC 641 00:40:31,076 --> 00:40:33,548 Why don't we just avoid the roads? 642 00:40:33,583 --> 00:40:35,985 If we do that, we avoid the towns. 643 00:40:36,020 --> 00:40:38,088 Well, how do we do that? Cross the desert. 644 00:40:38,123 --> 00:40:40,045 The desert? Yep. 645 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,080 Are you proposing we sneak through Syria? Sneak across it. 646 00:40:44,115 --> 00:40:47,005 If we find a garage, a workshop, 647 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:50,045 modify the cars for desert sneaking... 648 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:53,068 I love the sound of the plan. I'll give it a go. 649 00:40:53,103 --> 00:40:55,064 I think it's fantastic. 650 00:40:56,084 --> 00:41:00,056 So, we found some workshops and cue the music... 651 00:41:00,091 --> 00:41:04,096 "THE A-TEAM THEME" 652 00:41:08,084 --> 00:41:10,068 No! No! No! 653 00:41:16,036 --> 00:41:18,022 Yes. Yes. 654 00:41:18,057 --> 00:41:20,008 Oh... 655 00:41:21,004 --> 00:41:23,044 Guys! 656 00:41:53,084 --> 00:41:56,028 The whole point of going through the desert 657 00:41:56,063 --> 00:41:58,071 is we're trying to stay out of sight. 658 00:41:58,106 --> 00:42:00,080 Well, what I have here is a Bedouin tent. 659 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:05,049 A small portion has to poke out from the tent 660 00:42:05,084 --> 00:42:09,044 because I need to see out, and open the bonnet at some point probably, 661 00:42:09,079 --> 00:42:13,004 so I've disguised it by putting glue on it and covering it in sand 662 00:42:13,039 --> 00:42:15,068 from the very desert I'm camouflaging it against. 663 00:42:15,103 --> 00:42:18,068 Anybody looks, it's just a Bedouin tent. 664 00:42:21,068 --> 00:42:25,080 What I've done here is create a car of many colours. I am Joseph. 665 00:42:25,115 --> 00:42:28,017 Now, I know that in the Bible, 666 00:42:28,052 --> 00:42:32,072 he was kicked half to death by his brothers and then thrown in a well, 667 00:42:32,107 --> 00:42:36,073 but he did end up in the West End as Jason Donovan. 668 00:42:36,108 --> 00:42:40,040 Mechanically, what I've done to cross this vast desert 669 00:42:40,075 --> 00:42:42,045 is fitted an axle of evil. 670 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,560 This is now a dually six-wheeled Mazda MX-5. 671 00:42:46,595 --> 00:42:51,005 Some other features you may have spotted - 672 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:55,072 the hubble pipe attached to a bracket which hangs from the bullet-holes. 673 00:42:55,107 --> 00:42:57,017 That's rather brilliant. 674 00:42:57,052 --> 00:42:59,025 A spoiler on the back for added traction. 675 00:42:59,060 --> 00:43:04,052 There's no sand in the world will stop this. Oh, no. 676 00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:10,060 I've taken my inspiration from the Afrika Korps. 677 00:43:10,095 --> 00:43:13,036 The tools, the sand channels, and what have you. 678 00:43:13,071 --> 00:43:15,025 And the Luftwaffe, for the paint scheme. 679 00:43:15,060 --> 00:43:18,076 It may seem irrelevant, but it is actually very biblical, 680 00:43:18,111 --> 00:43:21,036 because this - this is the light of the world. 681 00:43:21,071 --> 00:43:22,977 Or will be, when it gets dark. 682 00:43:23,012 --> 00:43:26,024 And those jerry cans, they hold enough provisions 683 00:43:26,059 --> 00:43:28,080 for 40 days and nights in the desert. 684 00:43:29,036 --> 00:43:31,076 Forward, schnell! 685 00:43:34,060 --> 00:43:38,534 We were feeling confident as we pushed deeper 686 00:43:38,569 --> 00:43:43,008 into 200,000 square miles of absolutely nothing 687 00:43:43,043 --> 00:43:44,057 and nobody. 688 00:43:44,092 --> 00:43:47,056 All three have done pretty well, you'll admit. 689 00:43:47,091 --> 00:43:50,084 Yeah, yeah. We are wise men. We are. 690 00:43:52,044 --> 00:43:56,068 Soon, though, things began to get tricky for Hilda Ogden. 691 00:43:56,103 --> 00:43:58,072 Quite bumpy, this. 692 00:43:58,107 --> 00:44:00,013 Very bumpy. 693 00:44:00,048 --> 00:44:03,076 Quite a bad bit of desert. 694 00:44:03,111 --> 00:44:07,981 Oh, no! Oh, no! 695 00:44:08,016 --> 00:44:11,060 A disaster has befallen my wheels. 696 00:44:13,048 --> 00:44:16,024 Don't need it. Just pop it here. 697 00:44:18,028 --> 00:44:20,072 'And anyway, I still had one left. ' 698 00:44:22,088 --> 00:44:26,000 Oh, dear! That's not as good as I would have hoped. 699 00:44:29,052 --> 00:44:32,028 There. I just keep finding these in the desert. 700 00:44:32,063 --> 00:44:34,005 I don't know where they're coming from. 701 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:38,092 Have you decided the extended wheel arches look better inside the car? 702 00:44:38,127 --> 00:44:41,080 They're detachable. Yes, I can see. 703 00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:48,044 Despite his incompetence, Hilda insisted on leading from the front. 704 00:44:48,079 --> 00:44:51,004 Follow me, gentlemen, I've found a way. 705 00:44:51,039 --> 00:44:54,065 Oh, joy. You've got to be kidding. 706 00:44:54,100 --> 00:44:57,092 Nobody will find us down here. 707 00:44:57,127 --> 00:44:59,084 Follow me. 708 00:45:00,060 --> 00:45:02,005 THUD 709 00:45:02,040 --> 00:45:06,088 Don't follow me. Oh, God. Back up. 710 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,005 Oh, I've reversed... Ah. 711 00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:15,052 Clarkson, you've just ruined my tent! 712 00:45:16,044 --> 00:45:19,001 This is not going as well as I'd hoped. 713 00:45:19,036 --> 00:45:23,052 'To make amends, I offered to cook lunch on my spoiler. ' 714 00:45:24,088 --> 00:45:27,004 The heat of the Syrian desert sun... 715 00:45:28,076 --> 00:45:30,576 .. has been cooking that all day long. 716 00:45:30,611 --> 00:45:33,076 So we take some... Would you like this? 717 00:45:33,111 --> 00:45:35,595 Do you want a fried egg sandwich? 718 00:45:35,630 --> 00:45:38,080 Yeah. If you can make me one. Ready? 719 00:45:48,048 --> 00:45:52,040 Remember they were saying, will there ever be another Keith Floyd? 720 00:45:54,028 --> 00:45:59,024 After the aborted lunch stop, the going started to get really tough. 721 00:45:59,059 --> 00:46:04,052 Oh... This is a bit much for the little Fiat here. 722 00:46:04,087 --> 00:46:07,032 Ugh... Quite steep, this. 723 00:46:07,067 --> 00:46:09,551 It is, isn't it? 724 00:46:09,586 --> 00:46:12,001 Oh! Oh! That was... 725 00:46:12,036 --> 00:46:15,538 Here, it's... Oh look. Ugh! Oh, God. 726 00:46:15,573 --> 00:46:19,005 'The radiator bracket had sheared, 727 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:23,004 'and the radiator itself was now hanging by a thread. ' 728 00:46:23,039 --> 00:46:26,000 So, if that falls off, you are in the Vauxhall. 729 00:46:26,035 --> 00:46:28,024 There is no other way of putting that. 730 00:46:28,059 --> 00:46:29,088 Look at that. Not good. 731 00:46:30,096 --> 00:46:35,008 Top Gear tradition dictates that we should leave Hammond to fend for himself. 732 00:46:35,043 --> 00:46:40,000 And in this vast, lifeless desert, that's what we decided to do. 733 00:46:40,035 --> 00:46:43,076 We'd love to stay and help, but I have no ability at all. 734 00:46:43,111 --> 00:46:45,061 This has been proven many times. 735 00:46:45,096 --> 00:46:49,076 And he can't be bothered. So, comeon, James. OK, that's good. Goodbye. 736 00:46:49,111 --> 00:46:51,084 Get the tools from the tent... 737 00:46:54,036 --> 00:46:57,057 I'll be honest, I'm amazed. 738 00:46:57,092 --> 00:47:00,062 It's quite an old Fiat and and a small one at that. 739 00:47:00,097 --> 00:47:03,032 This is the first time it's let me down mechanically. 740 00:47:03,067 --> 00:47:06,024 And in fairness, I let it down. 741 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,032 Ah, hot! 742 00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:12,021 Ow. 743 00:47:12,056 --> 00:47:15,045 'The repair was a real struggle. ' 744 00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:18,064 I'm guessing it gets dark pretty quickly round here. 745 00:47:18,099 --> 00:47:20,965 My bodge has failed. 746 00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:24,080 Radiator's dropped again. I'm trying to fix it up more permanently. 747 00:47:24,115 --> 00:47:27,036 I've no doubt they'll be very worried about me. 748 00:47:29,032 --> 00:47:33,012 Yeah! What do you think of that? Ha ha! 749 00:47:33,088 --> 00:47:36,068 Excellent! More desert. 750 00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,013 JEREMY'S REAR WHEEL RATTLES 751 00:47:39,048 --> 00:47:42,048 Look at that rear wheel. That's so hopeless. 752 00:47:46,048 --> 00:47:50,048 What a lovely evening, travelling with my mates... Well, one of them. 753 00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,977 Sun's going down, it's going cool. 754 00:47:55,012 --> 00:47:58,024 The fact of the matter is this there are no people here. 755 00:47:59,048 --> 00:48:03,084 We are sneaking across Syria, and it's going well. 756 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,012 Not everyone agreed with that. 757 00:48:08,056 --> 00:48:14,020 It is a beautiful looking place, but I don't want to be here at night. 758 00:48:14,055 --> 00:48:16,092 Scorpions, snakes, it's got the lot. 759 00:48:16,127 --> 00:48:18,985 A million ways to die out here. 760 00:48:19,020 --> 00:48:23,024 'Still, at least I had my new spotlights. ' 761 00:48:25,064 --> 00:48:27,017 Oh, they're dud. 762 00:48:27,052 --> 00:48:29,056 They make no difference! 763 00:48:29,091 --> 00:48:31,969 THUDDING 764 00:48:32,004 --> 00:48:34,041 All these stones are hitting right under the car, 765 00:48:34,076 --> 00:48:39,016 right where I've bodged that bracket back on to hold the radiator up. 766 00:48:39,051 --> 00:48:42,008 The radiator drops, hits a rock, it can get ripped off, 767 00:48:42,043 --> 00:48:43,060 that's a game-finisher. 768 00:48:43,095 --> 00:48:45,012 Oh! 769 00:48:46,084 --> 00:48:49,036 Oh, God. 770 00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:51,993 'Despite everything though, 771 00:48:52,028 --> 00:48:55,092 'I managed to stumble across my concerned colleagues... ' 772 00:48:55,127 --> 00:48:58,012 It's a tent, moving by itself! 773 00:48:58,047 --> 00:49:00,549 Just been in the desert. 774 00:49:00,584 --> 00:49:03,017 Crossing the desert. 775 00:49:03,052 --> 00:49:06,068 '.. and found Jeremy had made supper. ' 776 00:49:12,088 --> 00:49:15,084 This made us very philosophical. 777 00:49:17,076 --> 00:49:21,012 I tell you what, if the three wise men 778 00:49:21,047 --> 00:49:24,037 had done the journey now, 779 00:49:24,072 --> 00:49:29,056 they wouldn't have bothered going there and school Nativity plays would be easier to cast. 780 00:49:29,091 --> 00:49:32,044 Now, you've got to have front half of donkey, 781 00:49:32,079 --> 00:49:34,969 back half of donkey, shepherds... 782 00:49:35,004 --> 00:49:37,977 I was a mouse once in a school Nativity play. Explain that. 783 00:49:38,012 --> 00:49:42,076 A mouse? Well, because they wanted something unbelievably small. 784 00:49:42,111 --> 00:49:45,056 I remember, I had a cardboard mouse-head costume. 785 00:49:45,091 --> 00:49:47,053 I was the front of the donkey. 786 00:49:47,088 --> 00:49:51,036 I took the costume off halfway through, so people could see it was me. 787 00:49:51,071 --> 00:49:53,016 Nobody could tell the difference! 788 00:49:55,016 --> 00:49:58,076 I suppose you were the infant K ing,were you? I was a shepherd, 789 00:49:58,111 --> 00:50:00,048 cos I had a dressing down. 790 00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:16,024 The next morning, the sun rose to the sound of the BMW dawn chorus. 791 00:50:17,036 --> 00:50:19,969 "Armed. Disarmed. " 792 00:50:20,004 --> 00:50:24,048 ENGINE CHOKES THEN ROARS 793 00:50:26,068 --> 00:50:29,072 Oh, my God. It sounds like a diesel locomotive. 794 00:50:29,107 --> 00:50:30,049 It's going. 795 00:50:30,084 --> 00:50:35,032 I don't think the desert's doing your Afrika Korps car any good at all. 796 00:50:38,096 --> 00:50:40,025 Despite the modifications, 797 00:50:40,060 --> 00:50:44,012 our little sports cars were even less suitable here 798 00:50:44,047 --> 00:50:46,048 than they had been in the war zones. 799 00:50:47,076 --> 00:50:49,989 Ah! Ohh... Ahhh... 800 00:50:50,024 --> 00:50:51,981 Oh! Oh, this is not good. 801 00:50:52,016 --> 00:50:56,016 "Can you not hear stones ripping the undertray of your car to pieces?" 802 00:50:57,084 --> 00:51:00,020 Oh! 803 00:51:02,036 --> 00:51:04,044 This is so bad! 804 00:51:04,079 --> 00:51:05,977 I'm stuck. 805 00:51:06,012 --> 00:51:07,092 It's like water. 806 00:51:15,008 --> 00:51:16,064 Here we go. 807 00:51:16,099 --> 00:51:18,057 Ohhh. 808 00:51:18,092 --> 00:51:20,564 WHEELSPIN Go. 809 00:51:20,599 --> 00:51:23,036 Watch it! Sorry! 810 00:51:25,020 --> 00:51:27,049 Go, go, go! 811 00:51:27,084 --> 00:51:30,012 I've been bitten. My arm's swollen up. 812 00:51:30,047 --> 00:51:31,092 I've got one on my back, here. 813 00:51:31,127 --> 00:51:33,993 Ahh! Ow! 814 00:51:34,028 --> 00:51:36,029 'We were taking a battering. 815 00:51:36,064 --> 00:51:40,072 'And things were about to get a lot worse. ' 816 00:51:40,107 --> 00:51:43,044 Snatch from there. 817 00:51:46,036 --> 00:51:47,033 And turn. 818 00:51:47,068 --> 00:51:49,041 I've dug a big hole. 819 00:51:49,076 --> 00:51:53,025 All right, stop. Stop. Stop. 820 00:51:53,060 --> 00:51:57,044 Just pull him at a slight angle, we'll tip him on to his wheels better. 821 00:51:57,079 --> 00:51:59,049 Right, go that way. 822 00:51:59,084 --> 00:52:01,020 OK. Go, go, go, go, go. 823 00:52:01,088 --> 00:52:03,017 THUD 824 00:52:03,052 --> 00:52:05,016 Stop, stop. Stop, stop! 825 00:52:14,024 --> 00:52:17,036 You all right, James? How are you feeling? Sick. 826 00:52:17,071 --> 00:52:19,084 Do you want to sit up? 827 00:52:26,072 --> 00:52:29,076 Where are we? In the desert in Syria. 828 00:52:29,111 --> 00:52:32,036 Do you know where we're going? 829 00:52:40,052 --> 00:52:45,012 'Plainly, James was in a bad way, so he was taken to hospital, 830 00:52:45,047 --> 00:52:48,036 'leaving Hammond and I to carry on alone. ' 831 00:52:52,036 --> 00:52:55,000 The next day, the mood was gloomy. 832 00:52:58,004 --> 00:52:59,068 Oh! 833 00:53:01,020 --> 00:53:05,036 I don't think we can deny it, the desert has taken its toll on our team. 834 00:53:05,071 --> 00:53:07,061 One man down, 835 00:53:07,096 --> 00:53:11,040 Jeremy's been bitten by something and his arm's rotting off. 836 00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:15,088 It's a beating. 837 00:53:17,052 --> 00:53:20,033 Soon, though, news reached us that James was recovering, 838 00:53:20,068 --> 00:53:26,076 and then in the middle of nowhere, we came across something amazing. 839 00:53:43,096 --> 00:53:45,061 Hammond? Yep? 840 00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:48,060 You know what that is, don't you? 841 00:53:48,095 --> 00:53:50,041 It's a road. And it is real. 842 00:53:50,076 --> 00:53:53,049 It is a road. Look how smooth it is. There's no rocks. 843 00:53:53,084 --> 00:53:58,016 It's smooth and there are noscorpions in it. Hang on, hang on... 844 00:53:58,051 --> 00:54:00,080 You're forgetting we're in the desert to sneak. 845 00:54:00,115 --> 00:54:03,012 We go on the road, people will see us. 846 00:54:03,047 --> 00:54:05,048 We can't use it. We can't use it. 847 00:54:05,083 --> 00:54:06,989 What if... 848 00:54:07,024 --> 00:54:12,008 we go on the road and disguise ourselves in the cars? 849 00:54:13,072 --> 00:54:14,096 That's brilliant. 850 00:54:17,052 --> 00:54:22,064 So, we put our plan into action and went to pick James up from hospital. 851 00:54:27,056 --> 00:54:29,092 What are you two wearing? 852 00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:34,981 Where's yours? Very funny. 853 00:54:35,016 --> 00:54:36,977 Have you left it in there? I'm better. 854 00:54:37,012 --> 00:54:40,008 It's only a small bang on the head, and I'm mended. 855 00:54:40,043 --> 00:54:41,045 A small cut, that's it. 856 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:45,060 You really are better? Completely. Who am I? 857 00:54:45,095 --> 00:54:46,989 You're a big cock. 858 00:54:47,024 --> 00:54:48,965 Who am I? Irritating little sod. 859 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,985 He's better. He is better, isn't he? 860 00:54:51,020 --> 00:54:54,037 Anyway, we've got a cunning new plan. The desert wasn't working. 861 00:54:54,072 --> 00:54:59,020 And? So we've decided we going to carry on with our route in disguise. 862 00:54:59,055 --> 00:55:00,048 It's us. 863 00:55:07,036 --> 00:55:13,024 Tonight on Carry On Are You Being It Ain't Half Dad's Army's Mother... 864 00:55:13,059 --> 00:55:15,057 See, nothing to see. 865 00:55:15,092 --> 00:55:17,550 Just a girl driving an unusual car. 866 00:55:17,585 --> 00:55:20,008 Who's going to look twice at that? 867 00:55:22,048 --> 00:55:24,969 We were now on the road to Damascus 868 00:55:25,004 --> 00:55:28,072 and the new-found speed was causing problems. 869 00:55:30,048 --> 00:55:34,012 I've got quite bad wobble from the six wheels here. 870 00:55:34,047 --> 00:55:36,064 It's getting quite bad! 871 00:55:38,012 --> 00:55:40,005 Hammond, how's your tent taking the strain? 872 00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:44,072 I'm not sure Bedouin tents are made to do 60-80kph. 873 00:55:45,068 --> 00:55:50,048 'We decided to press on, but then, Jeremy's car decided otherwise. ' 874 00:55:50,083 --> 00:55:52,063 My engine's gone. 875 00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:54,044 The engine... Oh, no! 876 00:55:56,020 --> 00:56:00,048 'At the roadside, Hammond dismantled his tent, 877 00:56:00,083 --> 00:56:03,045 'Jeremy removed his stupid extra wheels, 878 00:56:03,080 --> 00:56:06,008 'and then we all gathered round his engine. ' 879 00:56:06,043 --> 00:56:07,989 The spark plug has blown out again. 880 00:56:08,024 --> 00:56:11,036 'This time, though, the problem was more serious. ' 881 00:56:11,071 --> 00:56:13,008 Give it a rev. 882 00:56:15,076 --> 00:56:18,004 It's come out again. 883 00:56:19,056 --> 00:56:23,084 I tell you exactly what's happened, the engine has changed its mind. 884 00:56:23,119 --> 00:56:25,017 On the road to Damascus, 885 00:56:25,052 --> 00:56:28,028 it's decided it wants to be a three-cylinder engine. 886 00:56:29,024 --> 00:56:31,088 'Unable to fix it, we moved on. ' 887 00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:40,072 This is my world now. 888 00:56:43,036 --> 00:56:47,036 'And soon, I was left far behind. But then... ' 889 00:56:47,071 --> 00:56:49,056 Hang on, what's that? 890 00:56:49,091 --> 00:56:52,020 Oh, God, no, no! 891 00:56:55,056 --> 00:56:59,028 '.. the Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it. ' 892 00:56:59,063 --> 00:57:00,096 Bugger! 893 00:57:03,008 --> 00:57:04,001 Oh, no! 894 00:57:04,036 --> 00:57:07,028 Space saver. Oh, God! 895 00:57:07,063 --> 00:57:09,547 TRUCK HORN BLARES 896 00:57:09,582 --> 00:57:12,032 Right up me burka! 897 00:57:13,060 --> 00:57:15,012 That'll do it. 898 00:57:21,064 --> 00:57:25,012 'The puncture allowed Jeremy to catch up 899 00:57:25,047 --> 00:57:28,008 'and soon, we arrived in Damascus. ' 900 00:57:29,020 --> 00:57:31,973 7,000 years, this city's been here. 901 00:57:32,008 --> 00:57:36,000 It's amazing to arrive at such a place and just blend in. 902 00:57:36,084 --> 00:57:40,048 It wasn't the smoothest journey to Damascus, if I'm honest. 903 00:57:42,008 --> 00:57:44,528 Still, look on the bright side, 904 00:57:44,563 --> 00:57:47,048 I think we have made it unnoticed. 905 00:57:49,032 --> 00:57:52,057 Hundreds of miles of desert crossed anonymously 906 00:57:52,092 --> 00:57:56,058 and we're at the hotel. All we have to do is hide the cars. 907 00:57:56,093 --> 00:58:00,024 We have done it. We've made... Oh, God, no, look, Hammond! 908 00:58:00,059 --> 00:58:02,092 "Above you. " Oh, God! 909 00:58:05,016 --> 00:58:07,048 We haven't done that, have we? Hello. 910 00:58:07,083 --> 00:58:09,049 Hello. 911 00:58:09,084 --> 00:58:13,048 I've appeared on television in drag for nothing. 912 00:58:15,016 --> 00:58:19,064 We, therefore, abandoned our disguises and went to the souk 913 00:58:19,099 --> 00:58:22,072 to buy gold, frankincense and myrrh. 914 00:58:22,107 --> 00:58:24,981 Earrings... 915 00:58:25,016 --> 00:58:28,008 I don't think earrings are right. 916 00:58:30,012 --> 00:58:32,012 Do you know what myrrh is? 917 00:58:32,047 --> 00:58:33,977 Myrrh? Myrrh. 918 00:58:34,012 --> 00:58:36,040 Gold, frankincense and myrrh. 919 00:58:36,075 --> 00:58:38,067 No. I don't know either. 920 00:58:38,102 --> 00:58:40,083 Do you have frankincense? 921 00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,064 Frankise...? Frankincense. 922 00:58:42,099 --> 00:58:44,056 No. OK. 923 00:58:46,012 --> 00:58:47,977 Ah, have you got myrrh on it? 924 00:58:48,012 --> 00:58:52,092 No, you've got Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, but no myrrh. 925 00:58:54,088 --> 00:58:56,057 Quite expensive. 926 00:58:56,092 --> 00:58:59,088 I've finally seen a present for Jeremy. 927 00:58:59,123 --> 00:59:01,092 Oil of tact. 928 00:59:03,060 --> 00:59:08,016 'Shopping over, we met up at a restaurant that specialised in lamb, 929 00:59:08,051 --> 00:59:12,060 'which meant that, for once, Captain Faddy was happy. ' 930 00:59:12,095 --> 00:59:14,583 Have they got chops? I like chops. 931 00:59:14,618 --> 00:59:17,072 'As it happened, they hadn't. ' 932 00:59:19,076 --> 00:59:22,072 Lambs' heads. We've worked out the head, brain... 933 00:59:22,107 --> 00:59:24,029 I'm in a horror film. 934 00:59:24,064 --> 00:59:27,578 These deeply impressive things are testicles. 935 00:59:27,613 --> 00:59:31,092 I don't want testicles! Have you had the brain? 936 00:59:31,127 --> 00:59:34,040 No, I'll have a bit. It's absolutely lovely. 937 00:59:34,075 --> 00:59:36,009 Hammond, since you're not eating, 938 00:59:36,044 --> 00:59:39,068 why don't you show us what you bought for baby Jesus. 939 00:59:39,103 --> 00:59:41,024 Yes, I can do that. 940 00:59:43,040 --> 00:59:45,024 I have bought... 941 00:59:46,024 --> 00:59:50,028 .. a golden relief of his own face. 942 00:59:50,063 --> 00:59:52,061 Wow! 943 00:59:52,096 --> 00:59:56,080 So he will know what he's going to look like. A golden relief? 944 00:59:56,115 --> 00:59:58,001 Of the face of Jesus. 945 00:59:58,036 --> 01:00:02,064 Well done, Hammond. Well done. Now, May... Yes? 946 01:00:02,099 --> 01:00:05,567 Frankincense? Yes, I have. 947 01:00:05,602 --> 01:00:09,301 Mary Magdalena, frankincense, 948 01:00:09,336 --> 01:00:12,965 100 % pure from the Holy Land. 949 01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:16,014 No doubting its credentials. Mate, that's just hotel shampoo. 950 01:00:16,049 --> 01:00:19,028 You took that from your hotel bathroom. It's a sealed box. 951 01:00:19,063 --> 01:00:20,989 This is from the Holy Land. Myrrh? 952 01:00:21,024 --> 01:00:26,052 I had a bit of problem with myrrh. Nobody, nobody knows what it is. 953 01:00:26,087 --> 01:00:28,048 So I used my imagination. 954 01:00:30,056 --> 01:00:33,045 Nintendo DS. 955 01:00:33,080 --> 01:00:36,005 You bought a Nintendo DS? Yes, I did. 956 01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,088 A gold model of his own face and some shampoo. 957 01:00:39,123 --> 01:00:41,965 It's not shampoo. It IS shampoo. 958 01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:44,046 It isn't. It says quite clearly on the box. 959 01:00:44,081 --> 01:00:46,092 Listen, we'll give it to the Virgin Mary. 960 01:00:46,127 --> 01:00:49,037 When she goes, "Ooh, frankincense!" 961 01:00:49,072 --> 01:00:52,088 Before she gets it out and says, " No, you cheapskate," I'll go... 962 01:00:52,123 --> 01:00:55,016 Look at that! 963 01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:02,020 'The next morning, we left early to avoid being spotted. ' 964 01:01:04,044 --> 01:01:08,008 Sad to be leaving what has gone straight in at number five 965 01:01:08,043 --> 01:01:12,000 in the list of all-time great cities, Damascus. 966 01:01:14,048 --> 01:01:18,056 As you can hear, I've mended the engine well. I mended it. 967 01:01:18,091 --> 01:01:22,064 It wasn't an Armenian in a shed working into the small hours. 968 01:01:25,024 --> 01:01:29,064 'Travelling south, we eventually reached yet another border. ' 969 01:01:31,032 --> 01:01:33,981 Hello. What is this? My hat? 970 01:01:34,016 --> 01:01:35,973 It's not in the right style. Welcome. 971 01:01:36,008 --> 01:01:38,965 Thank you very much. Welcome. Thank you very much. 972 01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:45,004 Right, I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, 973 01:01:45,039 --> 01:01:46,057 out of Syria 974 01:01:46,092 --> 01:01:51,060 and into Jordan, a country famous for not having Bethlehem in it. 975 01:01:53,032 --> 01:01:55,037 Right, Jordan. 976 01:01:55,072 --> 01:01:58,072 Recent history, this is where Lawrence of Arabia 977 01:01:58,107 --> 01:02:01,037 assembled his Arab raiding parties under Faisal. 978 01:02:01,072 --> 01:02:05,060 Do you think that we are now finally deep inside Jordan? 979 01:02:05,095 --> 01:02:07,033 LAUGHS 980 01:02:07,068 --> 01:02:11,080 I like the way I was interrupted by the smut 981 01:02:11,115 --> 01:02:14,000 from my colleagues there. 982 01:02:16,068 --> 01:02:19,052 As we pushed even deeper into Jordan, 983 01:02:19,087 --> 01:02:22,036 we came across something else amazing. 984 01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:25,096 DRAMATIC, EPIC MUSIC 985 01:02:37,072 --> 01:02:40,060 Well, clearly... It's a race track. 986 01:02:40,095 --> 01:02:43,048 .. It's an oval. It's an oval, yeah. 987 01:02:43,083 --> 01:02:44,985 It's NASCAR, is what it is. 988 01:02:45,020 --> 01:02:48,005 The origins of. How did the Romans know? 989 01:02:48,040 --> 01:02:52,052 That is foresight. They are talked of as being advanced. They were. 990 01:02:52,087 --> 01:02:54,056 You know what I'm thinking, chaps. 991 01:02:54,091 --> 01:02:56,012 Let me guess? I think I do. 992 01:02:59,048 --> 01:03:01,012 Here we go, Roman rallying. 993 01:03:02,036 --> 01:03:05,068 Pretty sure we're allowed to do this, I can't imagine they'd... 994 01:03:05,103 --> 01:03:06,092 Why would they mind? 995 01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:11,066 This was a place of entertainment, wasn't it, surely? 996 01:03:11,101 --> 01:03:15,052 I'm in the Old Testament in an MX-5 as we go into second. 997 01:03:15,087 --> 01:03:18,049 Power-sliding through Leviticus. 998 01:03:18,084 --> 01:03:23,036 Automatic is not good for classical car chariot racing. 999 01:03:23,071 --> 01:03:25,053 Hammond weaving about. 1000 01:03:25,088 --> 01:03:27,592 Oh, he's trying to fill me up with sand! 1001 01:03:27,627 --> 01:03:30,096 Exhibition piece of driving from Hammond 1002 01:03:30,131 --> 01:03:32,057 in the front-wheel drive Barchetta. 1003 01:03:32,092 --> 01:03:37,056 Now onto the main straight, into third and into Deuteronomy bend. 1004 01:03:37,091 --> 01:03:40,092 'Old Testament NASCAR was the best motorsport ever, 1005 01:03:40,127 --> 01:03:43,068 'apart from one small problem. ' 1006 01:03:45,016 --> 01:03:47,997 Oh, that's a lot of dust come in. 1007 01:03:48,032 --> 01:03:51,040 I can't see a bloody thing back here. 1008 01:03:56,028 --> 01:03:57,049 Sorry! 1009 01:03:57,084 --> 01:04:00,028 Bit blind here, racing in fog. 1010 01:04:02,036 --> 01:04:03,052 THUD 1011 01:04:04,016 --> 01:04:06,072 My helmet. Hold on, I can't see anything. 1012 01:04:06,107 --> 01:04:09,033 Somebody is going to see this dust 1013 01:04:09,068 --> 01:04:13,056 and then they're going to come and then there'll be anger and rage. 1014 01:04:14,084 --> 01:04:16,032 Can't see at all now. 1015 01:04:17,052 --> 01:04:21,001 Before we smashed a 2,000-year-old Roman pillar, 1016 01:04:21,036 --> 01:04:25,004 we decided to agree that Hammond's Fiat was the fastest 1017 01:04:25,039 --> 01:04:27,047 and call it a day. 1018 01:04:27,082 --> 01:04:29,021 Absolutely tremendous! 1019 01:04:29,056 --> 01:04:31,564 That's the best history lesson I've ever had! 1020 01:04:31,599 --> 01:04:34,313 I think I know why your car was the fastest. 1021 01:04:34,348 --> 01:04:37,028 Why? Do you want to step out? Here, allow me. 1022 01:04:37,063 --> 01:04:38,993 Tyres. What? Tyres? 1023 01:04:39,028 --> 01:04:43,052 No, it's very light, much lighter than it was on lap two. 1024 01:04:45,052 --> 01:04:46,993 My arse! 1025 01:04:47,028 --> 01:04:50,005 I've lost an entire buttock... You have. 1026 01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:53,056 .. of my beautiful pert little bottom on this car. 1027 01:04:56,056 --> 01:04:59,989 Hammond didn't just break his own car, 1028 01:05:00,024 --> 01:05:04,072 look what he's done to my spotlights! They've gone, gone! 1029 01:05:05,092 --> 01:05:10,076 'Still, at least the Hippodrome race had prepared us for Jordanian traffic. ' 1030 01:05:10,111 --> 01:05:14,040 You know what's good about this slightly chaotic driving style 1031 01:05:14,075 --> 01:05:17,020 is that it works because everybody does it. 1032 01:05:17,055 --> 01:05:20,020 Look at that! Jesus, that was close! 1033 01:05:23,080 --> 01:05:27,088 We headed west and soon we arrived at the final border crossing... 1034 01:05:29,028 --> 01:05:32,040 Israel, the one we'd been dreading. 1035 01:05:33,052 --> 01:05:37,004 This is it, the Hussein Bridge over the Jordan River. 1036 01:05:37,039 --> 01:05:39,092 We're leaving Jordan on the dirty passport. 1037 01:05:39,127 --> 01:05:41,597 Switching now, 1038 01:05:41,632 --> 01:05:43,862 clean passport. 1039 01:05:43,897 --> 01:05:46,057 Arriving in Israel. 1040 01:05:46,092 --> 01:05:48,556 The man with the mirror on the stick. 1041 01:05:48,591 --> 01:05:50,985 The checks were long and thorough, 1042 01:05:51,020 --> 01:05:56,040 but it seemed we'd got away with our trip through Syria and we were in! 1043 01:05:59,072 --> 01:06:02,045 Yes! We're on the way to Bethlehem. 1044 01:06:02,080 --> 01:06:06,024 Hang on, little fella, we're coming, three wise men with gifts. 1045 01:06:07,036 --> 01:06:09,037 Sadly, though, for political reasons, 1046 01:06:09,072 --> 01:06:12,037 we'd been advised to avoid the disputed West Bank 1047 01:06:12,072 --> 01:06:16,084 so we were now going in completely the wrong direction yet again... 1048 01:06:17,068 --> 01:06:20,005 .. and I decided to make the most of it. 1049 01:06:20,040 --> 01:06:23,096 I hope the other two don't mind, but I fancy a small deviation 1050 01:06:23,131 --> 01:06:26,103 to go and have a look at the Sea of Galilee. 1051 01:06:26,138 --> 01:06:29,111 'This was a good call because getting there 1052 01:06:29,146 --> 01:06:32,084 'meant driving through the Golan Heights. ' 1053 01:06:37,020 --> 01:06:38,061 Look at that! 1054 01:06:38,096 --> 01:06:40,092 What a stretch of road! 1055 01:06:41,088 --> 01:06:45,080 This is an outrage. This is just astonishing, this road. 1056 01:06:45,115 --> 01:06:48,028 I want to marry it and have its babies. 1057 01:06:49,080 --> 01:06:54,088 'As with everywhere on this journey, though, there was a catch. ' 1058 01:06:54,123 --> 01:06:59,000 If you crash off the road here you go into a minefield. 1059 01:06:59,035 --> 01:07:00,025 Literally, a minefield 1060 01:07:00,060 --> 01:07:04,072 because, for political reasons, this was Syria and now it's Israel. 1061 01:07:06,040 --> 01:07:09,004 'But even politics couldn't spoil this moment. ' 1062 01:07:09,039 --> 01:07:11,068 There you go. Thank you, little car! 1063 01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:15,548 I'm going to make an admission. 1064 01:07:15,583 --> 01:07:18,016 Hammond's car is properly quick. 1065 01:07:22,064 --> 01:07:25,021 Come on, car, just go! 1066 01:07:25,056 --> 01:07:29,000 I'd like to take a bloody Israeli tank shell to this gearbox. 1067 01:07:29,035 --> 01:07:31,541 What an evening. 1068 01:07:31,576 --> 01:07:34,048 What an evening! 1069 01:07:36,088 --> 01:07:39,096 'And then it got even better. ' 1070 01:07:41,032 --> 01:07:43,028 Holy Mother of Mary. 1071 01:07:43,063 --> 01:07:44,989 Aw, look at that! 1072 01:07:45,024 --> 01:07:46,977 That's the Sea of Galilee. 1073 01:07:47,012 --> 01:07:49,088 That's one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. 1074 01:07:54,008 --> 01:07:58,016 Why is the Sea of Galilee, of all the sort of biblical sites referenced, 1075 01:07:58,051 --> 01:07:59,981 the one that makes you feel most... 1076 01:08:00,016 --> 01:08:06,008 It's the most evocative? Well,it 's me, because I'm, you know, JC. 1077 01:08:06,043 --> 01:08:07,052 No, you're Jeremy Clarkson. 1078 01:08:11,028 --> 01:08:13,520 You are healed. I have healed you. 1079 01:08:13,555 --> 01:08:15,977 You've taken the bandage off. Ready? 1080 01:08:16,012 --> 01:08:20,064 And the thorn what hath pricked his arm... No evidence. 1081 01:08:20,099 --> 01:08:22,041 It got better of its own... 1082 01:08:22,076 --> 01:08:25,000 That's what happens! It was days ago! 1083 01:08:26,004 --> 01:08:27,017 GASPS 1084 01:08:27,052 --> 01:08:30,060 I only had one sweet in this bag and now there are many. 1085 01:08:30,095 --> 01:08:33,000 No, it was a bag full of sweets. 1086 01:08:38,012 --> 01:08:40,532 The next morning, on the shores of Galilee, 1087 01:08:40,567 --> 01:08:43,017 we had a moment of quiet contemplation. 1088 01:08:43,052 --> 01:08:48,024 ".. we still had enough food left over to fill 12 baskets. " 1089 01:08:48,059 --> 01:08:51,016 And then, the still-delusional Jeremy 1090 01:08:51,051 --> 01:08:53,028 offered to cook yet another meal. 1091 01:08:53,063 --> 01:08:55,021 There's only two fish. 1092 01:08:55,056 --> 01:08:58,048 I don't like fish. Well, there you are, I've solved it. 1093 01:08:58,083 --> 01:09:01,016 It's a miracle. That is a miracle. Hardly! 1094 01:09:01,051 --> 01:09:03,020 We've got enough fish to go round. 1095 01:09:05,088 --> 01:09:07,544 I am walking on water now. 1096 01:09:07,579 --> 01:09:09,317 You're standing on it. 1097 01:09:09,352 --> 01:09:11,056 Walk over there. Yeah. 1098 01:09:15,096 --> 01:09:19,036 Miraculous that, mate. I've invented swimming! Oh, God. 1099 01:09:19,071 --> 01:09:20,985 What do you think of that? 1100 01:09:21,020 --> 01:09:26,008 'Before Jeremy decided to part the waters, we moved on. ' 1101 01:09:28,068 --> 01:09:30,554 I feel awful. 1102 01:09:30,589 --> 01:09:33,005 Unfortunately, 1103 01:09:33,040 --> 01:09:37,048 it wasn't an angel that came to me in the night, 1104 01:09:37,083 --> 01:09:39,048 it was the trots. Bad. 1105 01:09:42,092 --> 01:09:45,072 We were now just 20 miles from Bethlehem, 1106 01:09:45,107 --> 01:09:47,033 and what a journey we'd had 1107 01:09:47,068 --> 01:09:51,028 through a region that's made history for 7,000 years 1108 01:09:51,063 --> 01:09:54,080 and continues to make front-page news today. 1109 01:09:56,032 --> 01:10:00,020 Unlike the original wise men, we'd had to take huge detours 1110 01:10:00,055 --> 01:10:04,076 around the political minefields, and the real ones. 1111 01:10:04,111 --> 01:10:06,045 And yet somehow we'd made it, 1112 01:10:06,080 --> 01:10:10,064 in cars that really weren't built for this kind of work. 1113 01:10:13,060 --> 01:10:15,041 There must have been people who thought, 1114 01:10:15,076 --> 01:10:19,068 they're idiots setting out across the Middle East and its deserts 1115 01:10:19,103 --> 01:10:23,060 in sports cars, but here we are at the end and I'm still in one. 1116 01:10:25,056 --> 01:10:28,044 I can't think of anything I'd rather have done this journey in 1117 01:10:28,079 --> 01:10:31,025 than a small open-top sports car, 1118 01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:34,008 because what cars like this give you, 1119 01:10:34,043 --> 01:10:35,973 for a relatively small outlay, 1120 01:10:36,008 --> 01:10:41,084 is access to 93 million miles of blue sky. 1121 01:10:43,036 --> 01:10:44,993 You can't really put a price on that. 1122 01:10:45,028 --> 01:10:49,024 This little Fiat has been, it's fair to say, the surprise of the trip, 1123 01:10:49,059 --> 01:10:53,020 because nobody expected it to finish. Come on, a small Italian sports car? 1124 01:10:53,055 --> 01:10:54,045 There have been problems. 1125 01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:57,092 One of its buttocks fell off. Jeremy did that. 1126 01:10:57,127 --> 01:10:59,981 The radiator fell off. I did that. 1127 01:11:00,016 --> 01:11:03,016 And there's a terrible smell in here, I definitely did that. 1128 01:11:03,051 --> 01:11:05,005 But it's survived them. 1129 01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:08,048 It's still here and it's still making me grin. 1130 01:11:09,096 --> 01:11:11,028 Thank you, little mate. 1131 01:11:12,032 --> 01:11:14,040 Well, this is it, Jerusalem. 1132 01:11:15,064 --> 01:11:17,013 Nothing can go wrong now. 1133 01:11:17,048 --> 01:11:19,096 Overtaking manoeuvre coming up. 1134 01:11:21,008 --> 01:11:23,532 SMASHING 1135 01:11:23,567 --> 01:11:26,021 GUFFAWS 1136 01:11:26,056 --> 01:11:29,020 My Hubble pipe! Oh BEEP! 1137 01:11:32,060 --> 01:11:34,049 Before James could do any more damage, 1138 01:11:34,084 --> 01:11:37,590 we pulled over in a car park on the Mount of Olives 1139 01:11:37,625 --> 01:11:41,096 so we could decide which of our cars was the best. 1140 01:11:43,076 --> 01:11:46,016 I would like to speak first on this. 1141 01:11:46,051 --> 01:11:47,053 It's rubbish. What? 1142 01:11:47,088 --> 01:11:50,572 I'm sorry, there's a place reserved in Hell 1143 01:11:50,607 --> 01:11:54,021 for the man who put that gearbox in that car. 1144 01:11:54,056 --> 01:11:58,072 And it's the ratios. It's a case of many are called, but few are chosen 1145 01:11:58,107 --> 01:12:00,981 and many who are first shall be fourth, 1146 01:12:01,016 --> 01:12:04,036 and many who are third will actually kick down into second. 1147 01:12:04,071 --> 01:12:05,025 It's hopeless! 1148 01:12:05,060 --> 01:12:08,084 So, can I just ask, which of our two would you choose to have? 1149 01:12:08,119 --> 01:12:11,092 Which have you looked at most covetously? 1150 01:12:11,127 --> 01:12:14,032 I covet my neighbour's Fiat. 1151 01:12:14,067 --> 01:12:15,965 Hee! Really? Good man. 1152 01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,049 Now, that's very interesting, 1153 01:12:17,084 --> 01:12:21,036 because the car of the three that I would choose is the Fiat. 1154 01:12:21,071 --> 01:12:23,041 Eh? I make no bones about it. 1155 01:12:23,076 --> 01:12:26,008 I still maintain this is a fantastic little car. 1156 01:12:26,043 --> 01:12:28,004 We all like the Mazda MX-5. Great car. 1157 01:12:28,039 --> 01:12:29,021 I haven't bonded with it. 1158 01:12:29,056 --> 01:12:34,056 The steering is lovely, ride's lovely, but the one thing you don't do is love it. 1159 01:12:34,091 --> 01:12:36,985 I never got up and thought, I hope it's all right! 1160 01:12:37,020 --> 01:12:40,068 So, at the end of this trip this is still a machine to you. A laptop. 1161 01:12:40,103 --> 01:12:44,057 So, we're all agreed, and the Italian car is the most reliable. 1162 01:12:44,092 --> 01:12:48,056 Yes. But we have got to get all these thoughts out of our heads now. 1163 01:12:48,091 --> 01:12:50,001 We must complete the programme. 1164 01:12:50,036 --> 01:12:53,056 Car enthusiasts, turn off now. We've just got to finish this journey. 1165 01:12:53,091 --> 01:12:56,048 We must complete the mission. We must. 1166 01:13:04,052 --> 01:13:07,033 Soon we arrived in Bethlehem, 1167 01:13:07,068 --> 01:13:10,092 and it felt good to be at the font of peace on earth 1168 01:13:10,127 --> 01:13:14,012 and goodwill to all men. 1169 01:13:30,036 --> 01:13:35,072 As darkness descended, we saw a mysterious light in the night sky 1170 01:13:35,107 --> 01:13:37,088 and decided to follow it. 1171 01:13:47,092 --> 01:13:50,032 This must be the place. 1172 01:13:53,084 --> 01:13:55,993 So, here we are, 1173 01:13:56,028 --> 01:14:01,036 a shaft of heavenly light indicating that our quest is at an end. 1174 01:14:09,084 --> 01:14:11,072 This is it. 1175 01:14:18,060 --> 01:14:20,036 Evidence of shepherds. 1176 01:14:47,080 --> 01:14:50,012 I told you there was a mouse. Shh. 1177 01:14:55,016 --> 01:15:00,528 We're three wise men and we have travelled far from the East with gifts. 1178 01:15:00,563 --> 01:15:06,040 Gold, shampoo - that was a bit of a mistake - and an electronic toy. 1179 01:15:10,076 --> 01:15:13,096 Let us see this child who has been born unto us. 1180 01:15:13,131 --> 01:15:15,036 Yes, let us. Yes. 1181 01:15:17,056 --> 01:15:18,064 GASPS 1182 01:15:19,064 --> 01:15:22,064 DRAMATIC MUSIC 1183 01:15:27,088 --> 01:15:29,080 I wasn't expecting that. 1184 01:15:36,012 --> 01:15:38,020 And on that bombshell, 1185 01:15:38,055 --> 01:15:39,993 it is time to end. 1186 01:15:40,028 --> 01:15:42,096 Thank you so much for watching, goodnight. 1187 01:15:42,131 --> 01:15:45,040 ♪ A ray of hope 1188 01:15:46,036 --> 01:15:49,080 ♪ Flickers in the sky 1189 01:15:50,076 --> 01:15:53,060 ♪ A tiny star 1190 01:15:54,024 --> 01:15:58,008 ♪ Lights up way up high 1191 01:15:59,040 --> 01:16:02,042 ♪ All across the land 1192 01:16:02,077 --> 01:16:05,552 ♪ Dawns a brand-new morn 1193 01:16:05,587 --> 01:16:09,028 ♪ This comes to pass...