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Tonight, James draws on a board,
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Richard waves at a man
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and I run away from a table!
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.
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Thank you so much. Thank you.
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I am often asked,
well, I am sometimes asked,
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well, actually,
I was once asked by one person,
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why we review fast Vauxhalls
so rarely on Top Gear.
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The simple answer -
they're terrible rubbish.
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Vauxhall, however, has just
introduced a new fast Astra
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and says it isn't terrible rubbish.
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Hmmm.
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It's called the VXR and on paper,
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it certainly appears to be
terrible rubbish.
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Because what they've done,
bless them, is fit under the bonnet
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of a front-wheel drive
Vauxhall Astra,
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a 276 horsepower engine.
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That's as daft as fitting the heart-
of an elephant in a mouse.
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The thing is, the front wheels
have to do the steering
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and that's a big, important job.
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And asking them
to handle 276 horsepower as well,
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means you've to do some
very, very clever engineering.
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Not that long ago,
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Vauxhall was making the not-at-all
cleverly engineered Vectra.
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The most dreary, uninspiring
car in all of human history.
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Oh!
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It really was a cure for ADD.
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If you put a hyperactive child
in there, he'd be asleep
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in three minutes flat.
I mean, look at it!
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It's as gripping
as a Victorian novel,
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as stylish as a taxman's trousers.
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You almost got the impression
they designed it in a coffee break.
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Oh, quick, the boss wants
a new car. There's one.
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Give it some fancy door mirrors.
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It'll look like we made
an effort. They hadn't!
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So the idea that a company
which did this,
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now thinks it has the technical
ability to put 276 horsepowers
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through the front wheels of
a hatchback is laughable.
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The thing is though, amazingly,
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they've pulled it off!
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It has a clever front diff
and unlike a normal Astra,
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it has hydraulic power steering.
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It also has the same
sort of dampers that Ferrari use
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and James tells me
it has separate hub carriers.
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Which is interesting!
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Plainly then, they've spent more
time and effort on the front end
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of this car, than they did
on the whole of the Vectra.
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And the rewards are huge.
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There's no torque steer,
there is no fuss, there is no drama,
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the power is just there
when you want it.
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It might not be the most fun
car in the world,
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it actually feels quite heavy,
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but, my God, it is quick!
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And best of all, despite extremely
wide low-profile tyres,
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it has a comfortable ride as well.
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00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:07,850
If you like being uncomfortable,
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you can push this sport button here-
which firms everything up
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and if you want to feel like you're-
falling down a rocky escarpment,
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you can push this one.
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If you do that, watch, ready...
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look, all the dials glow red
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to warn you that your neck
is about to snap.
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Probably better to leave
those buttons alone, clearly.
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This is a damn good car. It's solid,
good looking and very, very fast.
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Plus, because it's a hatchback,
it's practical as well.
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There are, as I see it,
only two problems.
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One - at just shy of £27,000,
it is quite expensive.
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And two - when you are asked at
parties what you're driving
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these days, you're going to have
to start by saying... erm...
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00:05:04,650 --> 00:05:05,771
Perhaps then, we should look
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at the Astra's chief rival -
the Ford Focus ST.
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This has five doors, so it is more
practical than the Vauxhall.
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It's £5,000 cheaper and at parties,
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you can say you own a Ford
without blushing.
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But it simply isn't
as nice to drive.
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Instead of taming the front end
with proper mechanical
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engineering like Vauxhall did,
Ford has used electronic systems
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and the truth is,
they're not as good.
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You can sense the electrons
doing their absolute best to
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keep things neat and tidy,
but you can also sense them, erm...
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failing!
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There's torque steer,
there's understeer,
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and then there's
lift off oversteer.
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There.
It is a smorgasbord of waywardness.
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00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:10,210
I also have to say the Ford has
a particularly unpleasant interior.
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And it does not look very
good from the outside either.
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Nowhere near as good as the Astra,
that's for sure.
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So, as an enthusiast's car, I have
to say the Vauxhall is better.
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But this is Top Gear
and I can't very well sit here
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and say, "Hey, petrol heads,
the best hot hatchback
is a Vauxhall Astra."
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That would be like a travel person
saying, "Hey, holidaymakers,
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"the best place for your
summer vacation is Belgium!"
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So, let's keep going
and look at another option.
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The Renault Megane 265.
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This is the darling
of all the car magazines.
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00:07:05,810 --> 00:07:09,170
They love it
and it's easy to see why.
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You can just tell this car was
designed by a team of people
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who really know what enthusiasts
want when they're on the track.
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It's sublime.
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They've even fitted it with a
special readout that shows how fast
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you went from 0 to 60,
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how fast you did the standing
quarter, your lap times,
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how much power you're using,
how much brake you're using,
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your throttle position, a graph,
an extreme graph,
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your G metre.
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The Stig just loves this.
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He's been running around all
morning squawking
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and clutching at his tinkle!
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And I have too, if I'm honest!
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It's just an amazing combination
of nimbleness and brute force.
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There's no doubt that it's more
exciting than the Vauxhall
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and less wayward than the Ford
and faster than both of them.
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To show you how much faster,
I engaged sport mode
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and pulled up for a drag race.
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Watch and learn, Vauxhall!
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What?
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Come on!
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Come on! Faster!
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Come on-n-n-n!
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That was not supposed to happen.
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Much to my surprise then,
the Renault was the slowest.
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And when you bear
equipment levels in mind,
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it is the most expensive, too.
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And it's also the least nice.
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Sitting in here is a bit like
sitting in Eeyore's gloomy place,
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it is all very dark and everything
you touch and everything you use
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feels flimsy, like it will come off-
or break at any moment.
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00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:34,130
And the back's very cramped
and the ride's very hard,
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this seat is very low down
and very snug
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and gives you an idea of what
it would be like to be buried alive.
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And look at this. You can't wear
a pink shirt or it'll clash.
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So, while this may be
the nicest car
to drive on a track or
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a deserted moorland road,
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it would not be the nicest to live
with on a day-to-day basis.
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00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:04,050
That means we arrive at a rather
worrying conclusion because,
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00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:07,930
if I were to choose one of these
three cars to drive home in tonight,
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00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:09,570
it would be...
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00:10:10,090 --> 00:10:11,210
the...
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00:10:18,290 --> 00:10:21,490
What happened there?
The camera broke. Did it?
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00:10:21,850 --> 00:10:24,410
Yeah, no, it literally just broke
there. Did it?
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00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:28,290
And what were you about to say?
Erm, I can't remember.
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00:10:28,810 --> 00:10:31,890
You were about to say the Vauxhall.
A bit.
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It's a surprisingly likeable car.
It just is.
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00:10:35,610 --> 00:10:38,410
Isn't that a bit like saying
Piers Morgan is a surprisingly
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00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,091
likeable man, but in the end,
he is still fundamentally
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Piers Morgan, isn't he? Awful man.
Yes, I know what you mean.
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00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:47,610
Look, hold on a minute.
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00:10:48,570 --> 00:10:50,851
The Ford is £5,000 cheaper,
it is the most practical, with
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00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:54,690
the most doors and we've just seen
it is the fastest. I'd have that.
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There's a lot to commend the Ford.
You're right. I like the Renault.
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Oh God! This is brilliant
buyers' advice, isn't it?
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00:11:02,810 --> 00:11:03,930
I'd have the Ford,
you'd have the Renault,
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00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:08,530
and he'd have the Piers Morgan. I
know how we can sort this out.
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The tame racing driver.
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Some say he contains 47% horse.
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And that to concentrate
more on his work here,
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he's resigned, this week,
from his other job in Rome.
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00:11:28,690 --> 00:11:30,370
All we know is,
he's called The Stig!
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'And they're off.
Sluggish start from the Ford.
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'But it soon bites
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'and finds its stride on the way to-
the first corner.
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'And it's the Renault
looking twitchy into there,
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00:11:42,650 --> 00:11:44,850
'the other two nicely controlled
and gripping hard.'
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00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,330
'The Stig still listening to
national anthems
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00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:53,970
'and a cacophony of patriotic noise.
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'All tracking cleanly around
Chicago
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'now spooling up the turbos
for the run to Hammerhead,
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00:12:00,410 --> 00:12:02,930
'hard on the brakes, might see
something mealier from the Focus.
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'But no. Almost threatening
to cock a back wheel.
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'And the Renault just scampers away-
like a cheese-crazed sport monkey.'
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'Wow! A stack of Stigs there.
Follow-through.
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'The Focus is getting out of shape,
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00:12:22,570 --> 00:12:24,050
'quickly pulls it back
together again.
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'Quick through the tyres, two
corners left, the Vauxhall appears
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00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:31,571
'to be composed,
the Renault looking
bumpy on the way in.
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00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:36,050
'It's the most track-ready car here.
Here they come, up to Gambon.
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00:12:36,850 --> 00:12:39,210
'No dramas at all
and across the line.'
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00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,730
I have the times here
and they are not that fast.
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The Ford Focus did it in 1.29.6.
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00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:54,610
The Vauxhall Astra did a 1.28.3
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and the Renault Megane,
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00:12:57,050 --> 00:13:00,250
the most track-focused of them all, -
did a 1.27.7.
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00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,170
So therefore, the conclusion is,
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00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:05,490
if you want a relatively
inexpensive, fun car,
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00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:08,570
buy the Toyota GT 86!
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00:13:12,810 --> 00:13:14,210
We're really not much good at that
consumer advice thing, are we?
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00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:18,370
Anyway, we must now do the news.
Yes, and it's bad news!
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Dacia have got their name wrong.
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00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:23,410
Have you seen the car ads
they've been doing?
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00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,290
They keep referring to
themselves as Datcha.
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00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:26,650
I think that's because
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00:13:27,130 --> 00:13:29,130
that's how you say it in Romania,
where it's built.
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00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,811
There's another labelling
problem they've got,
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00:13:32,090 --> 00:13:33,810
because I was reading up
on the new Sandero.
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00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:36,090
It says it's got 90 horsepower.
With everything
that's been going on,
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00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:38,010
how do we know that isn't cow
power?
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00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:39,490
Yeah. Good point.
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00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:43,370
Because those abattoirs are in
Romania,
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00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,570
allegedly. Apparently.
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00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:48,650
We went to Romania once
and we did see a lot of people
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00:13:48,730 --> 00:13:50,810
riding around on cows,
rounding up horses.
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00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:52,850
And all their farmers complaining
about getting up early
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00:13:53,410 --> 00:13:54,770
to milk the horses! Exactly.
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00:13:56,410 --> 00:14:00,490
So, it is a 90 cow power car,
we've established now. Good.
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00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:03,770
On the show, we've always said you
can't be a proper petrolhead
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00:14:04,050 --> 00:14:05,290
until you've owned an Alfa,
which has always been
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00:14:05,690 --> 00:14:07,650
an embarrassing problem for me,
because I haven't.
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00:14:08,010 --> 00:14:10,930
But that might be about to change
with this, the Alfa Romeo 4C.
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00:14:11,890 --> 00:14:14,130
A little two seater,
1.8 litre turbocharged engine
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00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:17,010
mounted in the middle,
chassis made of carbon fibre.
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00:14:17,930 --> 00:14:20,450
At least it won't rust.
They'll find a way.
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00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:25,091
They'll have bought cheap Russian
carbon fibre that somehow oxidises.
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00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:27,090
You know what Alfa's like!
How much is it?
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00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,170
It's going to cost between
40 and 50,000.
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00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,410
I have a bit of a problem with that.
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00:14:31,890 --> 00:14:34,410
I don't think the looks are quite
right. Eh? It's gorgeous.
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00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:36,490
I think it's a bit too tall.
Exactly. It is.
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00:14:36,850 --> 00:14:39,730
I'll tell you how it does look good-
though, is if you see the plan view.
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00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:42,530
We've got one of those.
Now that, I think, is good.
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00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:46,970
That's a view Hammond will never
have! Oh, come on. Please!
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00:14:47,770 --> 00:14:51,010
Haa-haa! Open door. Yeah, all right.
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00:14:51,930 --> 00:14:54,651
Now the Ford Mustang we featured
last week in the race across Europe,
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00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:57,770
that seems to have captured
the hearts and minds of everybody,
I mean, really.
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00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:00,730
Everywhere I've been, all week,
people have been talking to me
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00:15:00,770 --> 00:15:03,010
about that car. Yeah, non-stop.
Well, big news.
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00:15:04,090 --> 00:15:05,890
Ford has announced, because they've-
never sold the Mustang
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00:15:06,410 --> 00:15:08,930
officially in Britain, since 1964,
they've announced that the
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00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,850
next generation of Mustang
coming next year, will be
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00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:14,890
built with right-hand drive
and will be sold in Britain.
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00:15:15,530 --> 00:15:16,930
About time, brilliant, good news.
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00:15:17,610 --> 00:15:19,970
There is, however,
a tiny bit of bad news. What?
233
00:15:20,770 --> 00:15:24,010
Well, the V8 version will be
sold in America, but,
234
00:15:24,810 --> 00:15:26,210
because we're only British,
235
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:29,250
all we can have is a two litre
eco-boost engine.
236
00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:33,090
Oh, for God's sake!
Do they think we want that?
237
00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:35,290
I can't understand their logic.
238
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,370
If you want a Mustang,
it is because
you want a big V8 muscle car,
239
00:15:39,570 --> 00:15:40,810
there is no other reason
for buying one. Precisely.
240
00:15:41,490 --> 00:15:43,091
So if you want a two litre
eco-boost car,
241
00:15:43,650 --> 00:15:45,650
you are going to buy a Golf diesel.-
Not a Mustang.
242
00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:47,330
It's like saying
I formed a punk band,
243
00:15:47,770 --> 00:15:50,170
we got cellos, except for Sebastian,
he has a harp.
244
00:15:51,090 --> 00:15:52,490
Nobody wants a harp in a punk band,
245
00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:55,330
nobody wants a two litre eco-boost
engine in a bloody Mustang.
246
00:15:56,210 --> 00:15:58,530
You can keep it, we don't want it.
Just keep it. Keep them.
247
00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:01,691
Now, the most important
news of the week.
248
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:03,370
As you may have noticed,
modern cars now have been given
249
00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:06,210
electronic handbrakes, rather than
a lever. This is a problem,
250
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:10,170
because you can't do a handbrake
turn with an electronic button.
251
00:16:10,850 --> 00:16:12,210
And this is bad news,
252
00:16:13,010 --> 00:16:15,650
because handbrake turns are an
essential part of male development,
253
00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:17,850
because as we all know,
254
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:22,130
the handbrake lever is connected
directly to a girl's sexual
appetite!
255
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:27,290
It is. It is. When you're 17, it is.
You're smiling and you know it is.
256
00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:30,210
You see it in the animal kingdom.
A peacock has his feathers.
257
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:34,090
The young man has his handbrake.
Exactly. They do the same job.
258
00:16:34,610 --> 00:16:36,570
And if you have a button,
it doesn't work. No.
259
00:16:37,090 --> 00:16:40,450
I can remember my first attempt
at seduction with the handbrake
260
00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:41,810
when I was 17 years old.
261
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,010
I was going to pick up this girl
called Liz from outside a pub
262
00:16:44,410 --> 00:16:45,410
and I had it all planned.
263
00:16:45,770 --> 00:16:47,730
I'd go in and I'd get on
the handbrake and slew it round
264
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:50,490
like the Italian Job and the
rest was a formality, obviously.
265
00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:54,451
I went through the gate, quite hot, -
pulled on the lever and that was
266
00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:55,850
when the cable snapped.
267
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:00,770
I think it was because I had spent
the previous day practising,
268
00:17:01,290 --> 00:17:03,970
you see... Only you would
practise a
handbrake turn! You have to.
269
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:07,850
Wish I had. What? I remember taking-
a girl called Cathy home one night.
270
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:10,050
I was 17, in my mum's Audi.
271
00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,730
And she lived in the middle
of a field and I do mean
272
00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:14,450
in the middle of a field,
no tracks, anything.
273
00:17:14,690 --> 00:17:15,930
Was she called Ermintrude?
274
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:22,290
Did she wear a nice big bell? No,
she wasn't a cow! Moo. Or a horse.
275
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:23,930
No, no.
276
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:27,690
Anyway, I am going down the grassy
hill, to the house and thought,
277
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:30,170
I know what will tip her
over the edge. Brrt!
278
00:17:31,090 --> 00:17:35,290
Pirouetted straight through her
dad's hedge. Was she impressed?
279
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:40,450
I know she was,
because she pulled a
face that was exactly like this.
280
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:45,010
That's the face,
that's the face they pull
281
00:17:45,290 --> 00:17:46,250
in that part of the mating ritual.
282
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,130
I know,
because I have seen that face.
283
00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:51,050
When I was a young man, 17,
borrowing my dad's car,
284
00:17:51,450 --> 00:17:52,570
diesel Astra estate,
285
00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,730
and I was giving Katie from college
a lift home, she lived on a farm,
286
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:58,370
down farm tracks and I had already
warmed her up
287
00:17:58,770 --> 00:18:00,730
with a bit of rally driving!
288
00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:03,890
There was already
a sexual tension in the car.
289
00:18:05,130 --> 00:18:07,530
And I thought, "I'll seal the deal
with the handbrake lever,"
290
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:10,810
yanked it on, slewed round, hit a
rock. She pulled that exact face.
291
00:18:11,370 --> 00:18:13,850
What, the...? Sometimes girls say,
"What did you do that for?"
292
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,251
That's it. What they're actually
saying is, "I'm ready!"
293
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:24,010
But I never got that face from Liz, -
because as far she was concerned,
294
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,730
she didn't know I had tried to do a-
handbrake turn, because
295
00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:29,371
I had just got that twang, that was-
the only twang I got
296
00:18:30,010 --> 00:18:32,250
on that evening!
As far as she could see,
297
00:18:33,010 --> 00:18:35,690
I had just parked badly
the wrong way round.
298
00:18:36,770 --> 00:18:40,290
She just thought I was an cars. I
think I know why they're doing this.
299
00:18:40,770 --> 00:18:43,570
It's to cut down on unwanted
teenage pregnancy.
300
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:47,091
And it could work.
It's a clever thought.
301
00:18:47,570 --> 00:18:50,490
It'll probably work, but it'll also-
cut down on the future of mankind.
302
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,730
I think it is irresponsible.
If you think about it,
303
00:18:53,770 --> 00:18:57,130
if a man can't use a handbrake to
pull a girl, what's he going to do?
304
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,370
There's going to be
a lot of frustrated men around.
305
00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:05,050
You may have to talk to her.
No! No! Car makers, please, stop it.
306
00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:09,770
You're meddling with forces unseen
and more powerful than you.
307
00:19:11,410 --> 00:19:13,490
Shall we get back to cars?
Yeah, let's do it.
308
00:19:14,170 --> 00:19:16,490
Peugeot, as we know, are
the worst driven cars on the road,
309
00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:19,570
always doing 40 in the outside lane,
they're always in your way.
310
00:19:20,530 --> 00:19:23,330
But now there is a new car from
Peugeot. We have it here
311
00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:28,210
in the studio. It's called the Onyx.
It looks absolutely fantastic
312
00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:32,650
and you'll notice that some
of the bodywork is made from copper.
313
00:19:33,850 --> 00:19:37,650
Just like the boiler tubes
on a Greeley A4 Streamliner Pacific.
314
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,690
Yes, James, yes, yes.
315
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:43,570
And it's actually untreated copper, -
so over time, it'll turn green
316
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,170
unless a scrap metal merchant
removes it in the night.
317
00:19:49,090 --> 00:19:51,490
Inside they've continued
the theme of
using unusual materials,
318
00:19:52,130 --> 00:19:55,210
so the dashboard is made out of
recycled newspaper.
319
00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:57,970
I'm guessing they'll have used
the Guardian for everything
320
00:19:58,370 --> 00:20:00,890
on the left and the Telegraph
for everything on the right!
321
00:20:01,570 --> 00:20:03,370
Actually the newspaper is good
because it means there is no need to
322
00:20:03,930 --> 00:20:07,611
Bluetooth your phone to it.
The dashboard will already have
listened to your messages for you.
323
00:20:09,890 --> 00:20:14,930
The engine is 680 horsepower
V8 turbo diesel hybrid.
324
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:19,370
That means a top speed
in the outside lane of 40.
325
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:24,490
Anyway, this is the future, perhaps,
but now we must return to
326
00:20:25,450 --> 00:20:27,690
the present, because we have some
important information.
327
00:20:28,490 --> 00:20:32,010
The Kia Cee'd, which we use
as our reasonably priced car
328
00:20:32,490 --> 00:20:37,570
has been updated and the new
version
is taking the world by storm.
329
00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:45,770
This is it.
330
00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:48,051
It has only
been on sale for eight months
331
00:20:48,210 --> 00:20:51,730
and already it has won the coveted
Northern Car Of The Year award.
332
00:20:53,770 --> 00:20:55,170
A chap called Derek Grocock
333
00:20:55,850 --> 00:20:58,650
who is vice chairman of the
Northern
Group Of Motoring Writers
334
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:03,050
said it had impressed the judges
with its comfort, value,
335
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:07,930
reliability, quality,
and its seven-year warranty.
336
00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:13,650
But this is Top Gear
and we are interested in,
337
00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:16,850
all of that obviously,
but rather more besides.
338
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:24,250
So now let's see how well
it does at
all the things that matter to us.
339
00:21:36,010 --> 00:21:39,530
Of course there is only one man
we can turn to for an answer.
Matt LeBlanc,
340
00:21:40,490 --> 00:21:43,970
the fastest star we have ever
had in our reasonably priced car.
341
00:21:44,690 --> 00:21:46,450
Of course Matt lives in Los Angeles
342
00:21:47,010 --> 00:21:50,210
but he appreciated
the importance of the question.
343
00:22:02,410 --> 00:22:03,770
First, the old car.
344
00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:12,810
Old versus new.
The age-old question.
345
00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:27,770
And now, the new version.
346
00:22:29,690 --> 00:22:31,370
Ah, that new-car smell. Huh?
347
00:22:47,610 --> 00:22:48,730
So there we are.
348
00:22:53,890 --> 00:22:56,290
Thanks a lot. Thank you. Any time.
349
00:22:56,770 --> 00:23:02,130
With Matt gone I moved on to a test-
I could handle myself.
350
00:23:09,770 --> 00:23:13,850
I'm coming up now
to a row of parked
cars in a top-of-the-range Cee'd
351
00:23:14,770 --> 00:23:16,890
which has this
little button down here.
352
00:23:17,410 --> 00:23:21,490
If I push it, sensors start to scan-
the gaps to see if any of them
353
00:23:22,570 --> 00:23:27,330
are big enough for me to park in.
What about this gap here?
354
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:32,690
I don't think that's big enough.
Does the car agree?
355
00:23:32,850 --> 00:23:35,490
It will "bong" if it thinks
it's big
enough. It didn't like that.
356
00:23:35,930 --> 00:23:36,731
What about this one?
357
00:23:39,570 --> 00:23:40,570
There it is.
358
00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:44,570
Now that's very impressive.
But what
it does next is even better.
359
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:49,010
If I put it in reverse
I am told this will go into that
gap
360
00:23:50,530 --> 00:23:52,890
with no steering input
at all from me.
361
00:23:53,570 --> 00:23:57,490
To see if that is true
I am going to wear a blindfold. OK.
362
00:23:58,010 --> 00:24:01,330
I can now see nothing at all.
Here we go.
363
00:24:05,090 --> 00:24:10,690
Easing it backwards. Hands not
on the wheel. Oh, my God,
it's turning.
364
00:24:12,370 --> 00:24:13,610
This is spooky.
365
00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:18,330
I'm going to get some beeps
to tell me when
366
00:24:19,410 --> 00:24:19,930
I'm close to the car behind.
367
00:24:20,490 --> 00:24:23,130
There we are.
368
00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:24,930
Then I put it in drive.
369
00:24:26,130 --> 00:24:28,930
This...
370
00:24:31,130 --> 00:24:32,370
This is weird now.
371
00:24:34,290 --> 00:24:38,770
If I take this off and I am parked
I shall be amazed.
372
00:24:45,850 --> 00:24:48,170
So now let's consider some rather
more important questions.
373
00:24:53,530 --> 00:24:54,650
Yes.
374
00:25:00,450 --> 00:25:01,690
We plugged the lead into
the auxiliary socket
375
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:04,610
and asked a local
guitarist to try it out.
376
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,810
He seemed quite impressed.
377
00:25:22,450 --> 00:25:24,810
So far then the little Kia
is passing all our tests
378
00:25:25,370 --> 00:25:27,570
and passing them well,
379
00:25:28,810 --> 00:25:30,090
but I know what you're thinking.
380
00:25:34,490 --> 00:25:38,570
This is a big problem because
if you have your container of water
381
00:25:39,090 --> 00:25:41,890
for the eel
and even a small amount of sodium -
382
00:25:42,650 --> 00:25:44,610
I've only got 100 grams here -
and the two were to
383
00:25:45,010 --> 00:25:49,370
come into contact with one another, -
the results could be catastrophic.
384
00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:51,290
As I shall now demonstrate.
385
00:26:04,570 --> 00:26:07,650
Time and time again we hear
about eel and sodium salesmen
386
00:26:08,290 --> 00:26:10,930
going about their business
when all of a sudden...
387
00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:17,370
their car explodes.
388
00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:25,410
To make sure that doesn't happen
in the Cee'd, special segregated
389
00:26:25,930 --> 00:26:28,730
trays are fitted underneath
the boot floor
390
00:26:29,530 --> 00:26:31,490
so you can have your sodium
in one tray,
391
00:26:32,130 --> 00:26:36,650
separated from the water into which-
I am now going to place an eel.
392
00:26:38,130 --> 00:26:42,050
There we go. Don't jiggle about.
You'll get water on the sodium.
393
00:26:42,570 --> 00:26:48,610
That's what happened to your mum.
Stay. Good eel. Excellent.
394
00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:51,210
Now we will just close
the boot floor.
395
00:26:52,850 --> 00:26:55,650
That really is an intelligent
piece of design.
396
00:27:01,650 --> 00:27:03,170
So now let's look at another vital
issue that was not
397
00:27:03,570 --> 00:27:04,930
addressed by Mr Grocock.
398
00:27:24,490 --> 00:27:25,490
Yes, he can.
399
00:27:26,010 --> 00:27:27,370
And he managed to do that
without getting any more
400
00:27:27,770 --> 00:27:29,450
blood or oil on his shirt.
401
00:27:35,450 --> 00:27:43,010
Yes it is. A mid-range 1.6 litre
Kia is 17,195. A mid-range 1.6
litre Focus, 17,200.
402
00:27:45,050 --> 00:27:47,850
For the price of the Focus
you can have a Kia
403
00:27:48,370 --> 00:27:50,330
plus £5 to spend on...
404
00:27:53,090 --> 00:27:55,890
£5 worth of things.
405
00:27:59,330 --> 00:28:01,650
There was a time when Kias
were cheaper than their European
406
00:28:01,690 --> 00:28:05,730
rivals because they were very nasty,
but those days have gone.
407
00:28:07,410 --> 00:28:09,050
This really is not nasty at all.
408
00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:11,370
I think it is
good looking on the outside,
409
00:28:11,530 --> 00:28:13,210
good looking on the inside as well.
410
00:28:13,850 --> 00:28:16,090
It has sophisticated independent
rear suspension
411
00:28:16,650 --> 00:28:20,570
so you can stick it into a corner
pretty confident that you
412
00:28:20,930 --> 00:28:22,610
will come out OK on the other side.
413
00:28:24,010 --> 00:28:25,090
It is well-equipped.
414
00:28:25,650 --> 00:28:31,250
And it has passed nearly all
of our tests with flying colours.
415
00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:37,050
The Kia Cee'd - good enough
for Mr Grocock and good enough
for Top Gear.
416
00:28:47,570 --> 00:28:53,450
Very thorough. Very, very thorough.
A lot of information there.
417
00:28:54,410 --> 00:28:55,650
A lot of important information.
418
00:28:56,570 --> 00:28:59,370
Yes, absolutely,
but for me the most impressive thing-
was that parking system. I know.
419
00:28:59,770 --> 00:29:00,730
That is uncanny.
420
00:29:01,370 --> 00:29:02,890
Although I should say in fairness
you can also get that
421
00:29:03,410 --> 00:29:06,770
system on Fords and Volkswagens
and Toyotas these days.
422
00:29:08,130 --> 00:29:10,650
Yes, anyway, between you
and Mr Grocock, Eric Clapton...
423
00:29:11,330 --> 00:29:12,290
Brue Willis...
424
00:29:12,690 --> 00:29:14,930
and Matt LeBlanc, that is the Kia
completely covered.
425
00:29:15,450 --> 00:29:16,570
No, not quite,
426
00:29:17,330 --> 00:29:20,570
because there is one more important-
question we have to deal with.
427
00:29:21,370 --> 00:29:24,010
Is there?
Is it, "Can a badger drive it?"
428
00:29:25,250 --> 00:29:26,650
That is a good idea, but no.
429
00:29:27,170 --> 00:29:29,690
It is, "Can you play rugby in it?"
Rugby?
430
00:29:30,210 --> 00:29:32,290
Yes, rugby. If you are watching
in America, rugby is
431
00:29:33,210 --> 00:29:35,290
a bit like American football
only it's played by men.
432
00:29:37,770 --> 00:29:39,571
And you are going to try
and play it in a car?
433
00:29:40,250 --> 00:29:41,650
Yes, it is one of the most
ambitious
434
00:29:41,730 --> 00:29:44,530
things we have ever attempted and
we will see how it does later on.
435
00:29:45,330 --> 00:29:48,290
Now, though, it is time to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.
436
00:29:49,650 --> 00:29:51,650
My guest tonight is a young
chap from Hertfordshire
437
00:29:51,850 --> 00:29:54,250
who recently got a new Mercedes
and wants to come and tell us
438
00:29:54,570 --> 00:29:57,370
all about it. Normally
we would tell him to get lost.
439
00:29:58,050 --> 00:30:01,130
But we decided to make
an exception on this occasion
440
00:30:01,530 --> 00:30:02,770
because...
441
00:30:03,690 --> 00:30:06,210
his name, ladies and gentlemen,
is Lewis Hamilton.
442
00:30:11,930 --> 00:30:15,290
Great! You are back. You are back.
Good to see you.
443
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,650
Lewis is among us.
444
00:30:20,090 --> 00:30:26,010
Have a seat. Have a seat.
It feels good to be back. Luxury.
445
00:30:27,210 --> 00:30:29,450
Obviously the first question
is the big one.
446
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:32,890
You have moved from McLaren
to Mercedes.
447
00:30:34,530 --> 00:30:38,170
Is that not a bit like moving
from Manchester United to West Ham?
448
00:30:40,650 --> 00:30:43,570
Firstly, thanks for
the warm welcome, everyone.
Don't change the subject.
449
00:30:44,410 --> 00:30:45,490
Good to be back.
450
00:30:46,330 --> 00:30:48,410
Yes, no, it's a big change for me
obviously,
451
00:30:49,050 --> 00:30:50,330
but I'm really excited about it.
452
00:30:50,850 --> 00:30:54,050
Everyone is criticising it and
has their own opinions but for me
453
00:30:55,130 --> 00:30:56,930
I have been at McLaren
since I was 13.
454
00:30:57,490 --> 00:31:01,690
It was a long period there and I
wanted a change. I am a risk taker.
455
00:31:02,890 --> 00:31:05,970
There is a risk and a risk because
McLaren have won, what, 182 races.
456
00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:11,690
Mercedes has won... one in five
years. What makes you think...?
457
00:31:13,050 --> 00:31:17,010
Well, they won the Championship.
Well, it was actually Brawn...
Brawn. Technically not...
458
00:31:17,490 --> 00:31:22,410
Have they told you that? "We've won.
We've won." You are right.
459
00:31:23,650 --> 00:31:25,650
They have struggled
the last few years, but I think
460
00:31:26,130 --> 00:31:30,170
when the rules came out in 2009,
everyone came out with
the design of a car and
461
00:31:31,130 --> 00:31:34,050
they started out, and every year
after that it is an evolution of
that car.
462
00:31:34,170 --> 00:31:37,490
And they started off on the wrong
foot and they've been on the wrong
foot since then.
463
00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:42,810
One of the things I thought,
you had to do a lot of PR
work at McLaren, didn't you? Mm.
464
00:31:44,170 --> 00:31:46,010
Everybody knows that is dreadful.
Yeah.
465
00:31:46,650 --> 00:31:48,530
"Buy this terrible thing that
sponsors our car."
466
00:31:49,130 --> 00:31:51,811
Is there going to be less of that?
A lot less, yes. A lot less? Yes.
467
00:31:51,890 --> 00:31:53,850
That is good enough. Why did you
not just say because you have
to do less
468
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,211
standing around talking rubbish?
It's not that.
469
00:31:56,290 --> 00:31:58,690
There were so many good
things about the opportunity to go
470
00:31:59,890 --> 00:32:01,970
somewhere where they are struggling-
and hopefully be
471
00:32:02,370 --> 00:32:04,770
a part of something that will get
somewhere and become great.
472
00:32:04,970 --> 00:32:06,450
Michael did it years ago
with Ferrari.
473
00:32:07,010 --> 00:32:09,930
No other driver has done that
really, so I want to do
something like that.
474
00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:11,690
So we needn't expect to see you
475
00:32:12,650 --> 00:32:13,730
leading everybody around
from pole position?
476
00:32:14,290 --> 00:32:16,170
You definitely should not
expect that this year.
477
00:32:17,450 --> 00:32:20,171
Because initial testing has not
been
completely successful so far? No.
478
00:32:20,650 --> 00:32:24,290
It wasn't good. Brake failure on my-
14th lap. What speed? Pretty fast.
479
00:32:24,810 --> 00:32:27,450
Yeah. I was at the end of the back
straight going into turn six
480
00:32:27,970 --> 00:32:31,210
and hit the brakes at 180 mph, 190,-
and then nothing happened.
481
00:32:32,250 --> 00:32:33,290
I just went straight in...
482
00:32:33,610 --> 00:32:34,730
So when you
put your foot on the brake pedal
483
00:32:35,130 --> 00:32:37,050
and you're going 180 and nothing
happens. Poo?
484
00:32:39,130 --> 00:32:43,450
No, you do swear though. You have
time to think of a swear word?
Yes, you do.
485
00:32:46,490 --> 00:32:47,890
And you have time to brace. Do you?
486
00:32:48,410 --> 00:32:50,090
Yes, so I was going
towards the wall and
487
00:32:50,610 --> 00:32:54,250
I remember just holding on for dear-
life knowing it was going to hurt.
488
00:32:54,770 --> 00:32:57,010
Did it hurt? It did.
Particularly in my legs.
489
00:32:57,650 --> 00:32:59,851
For some reason, I don't know,
I went in straight ahead,
490
00:33:00,010 --> 00:33:02,211
but my legs seem to hurt
when I go straight into a wall.
491
00:33:04,290 --> 00:33:06,410
Now, I do know what
I need to talk to you about.
492
00:33:06,770 --> 00:33:08,450
The handbrake in the modern car.
493
00:33:11,650 --> 00:33:17,090
Have you ever thought, "If I pull
this, she...?" I am sure I have.
494
00:33:19,170 --> 00:33:21,530
In the first years that
I was driving, I'm sure.
495
00:33:24,730 --> 00:33:27,330
We were discussing this earlier.
It is one of the weirdest things.
496
00:33:27,770 --> 00:33:29,170
We are all fairly clear,
girls don't like men who do
497
00:33:29,690 --> 00:33:32,490
handbrake turns, but we think
they do. My girlfriend loves it.
498
00:33:33,410 --> 00:33:36,210
Does she? I have a good
story about my handbrake turns.
499
00:33:37,570 --> 00:33:41,370
Years ago I was at a karting race
in Italy with Nico as my team mate.
500
00:33:42,450 --> 00:33:43,290
It was 2000.
501
00:33:43,930 --> 00:33:45,770
Me, my dad and Keke Rosberg,
502
00:33:46,290 --> 00:33:50,050
were on our way to the track
and my dad was driving down this
503
00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:53,251
country lane, which off the edge
of the road drops down into a field
504
00:33:53,370 --> 00:33:54,890
and there is a metre drop.
505
00:33:55,410 --> 00:33:57,490
Keke all of a sudden just pulls the-
handbrake while my dad is driving.
506
00:33:58,010 --> 00:34:00,530
And my dad doesn't really know
how to drive that well.
507
00:34:02,450 --> 00:34:05,530
He thinks he's a great driver...
He's not here to argue.
508
00:34:06,370 --> 00:34:08,690
Lost the back end of the car
and put it down into the ditch
509
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,210
and we had to leave it there
and walk to the track.
510
00:34:13,570 --> 00:34:16,211
There wasn't even a girl
in the car?
Who was Keke trying to impress?
511
00:34:16,770 --> 00:34:19,570
I don't know. Your dad.
My dad, yes. Keke is gay!
512
00:34:26,130 --> 00:34:27,370
And on that bombshell...
513
00:34:32,810 --> 00:34:34,050
Now, I know that you have been
very much looking forward to
514
00:34:34,570 --> 00:34:38,090
coming back here. Yes, I have. You
have been here before. Yes, 2008.
515
00:34:39,450 --> 00:34:43,370
Now most guests do a lap,
take the weather on the chin,
516
00:34:43,890 --> 00:34:47,690
snow, ice, rain, and then go
away. You did not do that.
517
00:34:48,210 --> 00:34:51,690
You were cross, weren't you?
I was not happy that it was raining.
518
00:34:52,490 --> 00:34:56,570
It was wet. I am told that you
took our producer around the back...
519
00:35:00,810 --> 00:35:03,170
and a deal was done
that you could
come back and try again
520
00:35:03,570 --> 00:35:07,650
when the track was dry. Yes.
This was a bloody quick time. 1.44.
521
00:35:09,250 --> 00:35:14,450
And it was wet. Wet and oily.
Oily, was it? Get it right. Yes.
522
00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:19,810
Racing drivers' excuses, but...
I thought wet was all it said,
but it's wet and oily.
523
00:35:20,210 --> 00:35:21,131
Wet and oily, you said.
524
00:35:22,970 --> 00:35:24,210
You said someone in the last
corner dumped some oil.
525
00:35:24,610 --> 00:35:26,290
It had come out of Hammond's hair.
526
00:35:27,930 --> 00:35:31,410
Obviously, thorn in your side here, -
Sebastian sits at the top.
527
00:35:32,050 --> 00:35:33,450
That irritates you? Mm-hm.
528
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:38,050
He's had the best car
for God knows how many years
529
00:35:38,410 --> 00:35:41,970
and is also the quickest on Top
Gear, so... You wanted to come
and do something about that?
530
00:35:42,170 --> 00:35:43,010
Every driver wants...
531
00:35:43,690 --> 00:35:45,450
I remember when Rubens
came and did the time.
532
00:35:46,290 --> 00:35:49,490
We went to a drivers' briefing
in Germany. He brought everyone
a shirt.
533
00:35:50,450 --> 00:35:53,530
He gave himself, "I beat The Stig"
and everyone else
"The Stig beat me."
534
00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:59,210
So you didn't do your lap today?
No.
535
00:36:00,010 --> 00:36:01,811
You came down
and did the lap many months ago.
536
00:36:02,490 --> 00:36:04,050
Who would like to see Lewis
practising for his lap?
537
00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:05,810
Yes
538
00:36:06,250 --> 00:36:07,450
Let's have a look.
539
00:36:08,850 --> 00:36:11,450
There he goes.
Second to last corner
catches all of our guests out,
540
00:36:12,970 --> 00:36:15,210
including one Lewis Hamilton.
541
00:36:18,970 --> 00:36:21,050
Was that me? Yes.
542
00:36:25,090 --> 00:36:26,770
I only put it on to make all
the other guests feel better
543
00:36:27,290 --> 00:36:29,050
because they are like,
"No, I have spun off."
544
00:36:29,210 --> 00:36:33,010
Now they can go, "At least
Lewis Hamilton did exactly the same-
thing in exactly the same place."
545
00:36:33,090 --> 00:36:35,730
Nevertheless, you then lined up
to do your lap again.
546
00:36:36,970 --> 00:36:38,930
- Who here would like to see it?
- Yes.
547
00:36:39,290 --> 00:36:40,290
Here we go.
548
00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:43,130
It is, of course, the old Liana.
549
00:36:45,610 --> 00:36:46,731
That was a good gear change.
550
00:36:46,970 --> 00:36:47,930
Come on, baby!
551
00:36:50,970 --> 00:36:53,050
Yes, we do not use
the Cee'd for Formula One drivers.
552
00:36:53,330 --> 00:36:56,810
You all have to drive that.
It's nice to see it back looking
tall and ungainly and slow.
553
00:37:05,690 --> 00:37:07,770
'I thought you were determined
to go fastest?'
554
00:37:08,330 --> 00:37:10,971
'I was.' 'Singing. It's like Kimi
Raikkonen looking at the planes.'
555
00:37:12,490 --> 00:37:13,570
Whoo!
556
00:37:13,970 --> 00:37:15,090
'Look where you're going.
557
00:37:16,970 --> 00:37:19,210
'Is this the sort of man who looks
like he's determined
558
00:37:20,130 --> 00:37:21,690
'to go faster than
Sebastian Vettel?'
559
00:37:23,010 --> 00:37:25,610
'Look at that, I didn't even
cut the
corner.' 'I'm very impressed.'
560
00:37:25,770 --> 00:37:27,890
Not surprised,
but I'm very impressed.
561
00:37:28,410 --> 00:37:29,930
'Here we go.'
562
00:37:34,010 --> 00:37:36,250
'That was to the cameraman.'
'I know.'
563
00:37:39,050 --> 00:37:40,450
'That was close to the tyres.'
564
00:37:43,370 --> 00:37:47,010
'A couple of bites at the cherry.
That's nicely done.'
565
00:37:47,810 --> 00:37:50,730
'It actually looks like it handles
quite well, bless it.' 'It does.'
566
00:37:51,290 --> 00:37:53,091
'And there we are, everyone,
across the line.'
567
00:38:05,970 --> 00:38:10,050
There is no point asking you where
you want to come. You know.
You know where you want to be.
568
00:38:10,410 --> 00:38:16,450
Well, Lewis Hamilton. Mm-mm.
It was a 1.44 that Sebastian did.
569
00:38:17,130 --> 00:38:23,130
Lewis Hamilton, you did it in...
one...
570
00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:25,890
42.
571
00:38:32,130 --> 00:38:34,770
Unbelievable.
Unbelievably fast time.
572
00:38:36,850 --> 00:38:37,810
Wa-hey!
573
00:38:38,490 --> 00:38:39,610
I will leave it there.
574
00:38:44,610 --> 00:38:46,410
You weren't even concentrating.
575
00:38:52,570 --> 00:38:54,810
Wow. Holy crap. Pleased?
I'm really surprised.
576
00:38:55,890 --> 00:38:58,051
It didn't even look like you
were concentrating. I was.
577
00:38:58,490 --> 00:39:00,050
It has been months and
you guys wouldn't even tell me.
578
00:39:00,570 --> 00:39:01,810
No, we never tell anybody.
579
00:39:02,490 --> 00:39:05,131
I was thinking to myself,
"I'm going
to be so disappointed in myself
580
00:39:05,370 --> 00:39:08,051
"if I didn't do
a competitive time."
Anyway, he has now hung himself.
581
00:39:11,210 --> 00:39:13,530
And obviously everybody here
is very pleased to have a Brit
582
00:39:13,570 --> 00:39:16,090
back on the top of the leaderboard.-
Yes.
583
00:39:16,610 --> 00:39:19,810
When I say everybody, there is one
man who is not pleased. The Stig.
584
00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:23,811
He knew about this time
months ago when you did the lap.
585
00:39:24,090 --> 00:39:25,290
This week he left the country.
586
00:39:25,970 --> 00:39:28,450
He went to North Korea to do
an experiment. We don't know what.
587
00:39:31,250 --> 00:39:33,490
So apart from him
everyone is thrilled.
588
00:39:34,130 --> 00:39:36,891
Ladies and gentlemen, the fastest
man we've ever had - Lewis Hamilton.
589
00:39:40,210 --> 00:39:42,290
Well done, mate.
That was worth coming back for.
590
00:39:42,690 --> 00:39:44,210
Without a doubt.
591
00:39:51,090 --> 00:39:52,490
Now, a couple of weeks back
592
00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:55,250
we finished our American road trip
at the Mexican border.
593
00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:58,410
The last one there had to cross over-
and test something called
594
00:39:59,090 --> 00:40:01,610
the Mastretta, which is a new
sports car being made there.
595
00:40:02,810 --> 00:40:05,210
Now, Top Gear is not
very popular in Mexico
596
00:40:06,130 --> 00:40:08,170
because of some comments
that were made on the show.
597
00:40:08,490 --> 00:40:09,730
And, unfortunately,
598
00:40:10,370 --> 00:40:12,210
the man who lost that race,
599
00:40:12,730 --> 00:40:14,370
and would therefore have to
go into Mexico
600
00:40:14,770 --> 00:40:18,730
and test the Mastretta was
the man who made those comments -
601
00:40:20,490 --> 00:40:22,290
our Director of
International Relations,
602
00:40:22,690 --> 00:40:24,490
Boutros Boutros Hammond.
603
00:40:38,050 --> 00:40:42,130
OK, so, here we are in Mexico
but it's all right,
604
00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,330
I have everything under control.
605
00:40:47,810 --> 00:40:48,490
You see?
606
00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:51,770
An angry Mexican looks in,
they'll see Jeremy,
607
00:40:52,290 --> 00:40:54,410
and they hate Jeremy
just as much as they hate me.
608
00:40:56,050 --> 00:40:57,410
Look at me!
609
00:40:57,810 --> 00:41:01,450
Power! Oh, everything's rubbish.
610
00:41:02,850 --> 00:41:04,210
Except, no, cos I am now Jeremy,
611
00:41:05,010 --> 00:41:06,810
so they'll still cut my head off
and then...
612
00:41:07,770 --> 00:41:09,571
I haven't thought this through
at all, have I?
613
00:41:10,370 --> 00:41:11,731
I'm not going to bother with that.
614
00:41:14,810 --> 00:41:16,330
OK, let's get this test over with
615
00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:18,970
as quickly as possible
and get out of here.
616
00:41:21,690 --> 00:41:24,490
'Eventually, I found a place
where no-one could see me
617
00:41:25,450 --> 00:41:27,810
'and I could get on with some
serious road testing.'
618
00:41:32,130 --> 00:41:33,250
So, what have we got here?
619
00:41:33,890 --> 00:41:36,130
Well, its full name
is the Mastretta MXT
620
00:41:37,050 --> 00:41:39,290
and this is the first
fully home-grown Mexican car.
621
00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:45,011
'Now, when most countries
make their first car,
622
00:41:46,090 --> 00:41:48,090
'it's something cheap
and practical for the masses.
623
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,050
'But what the Mexicans have done
is skip the intro
624
00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:55,650
'and gone straight for a sports
car.'
625
00:41:56,890 --> 00:42:01,930
Any similarities between this and an-
early Lotus Elise are not accidental.
626
00:42:03,850 --> 00:42:06,090
It's small, it's compact,
leather bucket seats,
627
00:42:07,170 --> 00:42:09,130
suede-ish trim here and there.
628
00:42:11,050 --> 00:42:13,850
Steering wheel no bigger than
a tortilla, which is a good thing.
629
00:42:19,850 --> 00:42:23,770
'The interior, the chassis
and the body are all Mexican made.
630
00:42:24,850 --> 00:42:28,610
'But the 2.0 litre turbo engine
is actually from over the border.'
631
00:42:31,690 --> 00:42:33,770
It's a Ford and it makes 250bhp,
632
00:42:34,290 --> 00:42:37,930
enough to take the Mastretta
to 60 in 4.9 seconds.
633
00:42:40,250 --> 00:42:43,330
Which could be useful if, say,
somebody was trying to chase you.
634
00:42:48,490 --> 00:42:50,330
'Unlike some lightweight sports cars,
635
00:42:50,850 --> 00:42:54,330
'the Mastretta offers luxuries
such as air-con and a stereo.'
636
00:42:55,850 --> 00:42:56,810
Put the radio on.
637
00:42:57,490 --> 00:43:00,130
Oh, yeah, my favourite. I love this.
638
00:43:06,570 --> 00:43:10,930
'Despite the equipment,
the MXT is no fatty -
639
00:43:11,290 --> 00:43:13,690
'weighing in at just 1,050 kilograms
640
00:43:14,330 --> 00:43:17,410
'thanks to a chassis made
of carbon fibre and aluminium.'
641
00:43:20,010 --> 00:43:21,450
You can see how
they've tried to keep
642
00:43:21,810 --> 00:43:23,371
all the car's weight
between the wheels,
643
00:43:23,570 --> 00:43:26,331
which is why there is absolutely
no overhang at the back or the front,
644
00:43:26,770 --> 00:43:30,410
which is all well and good,
still not
sure about the styling, though.
645
00:43:31,210 --> 00:43:33,451
It looks like an Audi TT
that has been squashed in a vice
646
00:43:33,690 --> 00:43:35,930
and that's a good thing.
Very good. Morning!
647
00:43:37,130 --> 00:43:38,250
Buenos dias.
648
00:43:38,930 --> 00:43:41,730
The kind of thing Ferrari
could learn
a lot from. I shouldn't sit on it,
649
00:43:42,210 --> 00:43:43,770
I don't want to scratch it.
Look at that - sleek.
650
00:43:44,130 --> 00:43:44,970
Yeah!
651
00:43:47,730 --> 00:43:49,850
'The really good thing
about the Mastretta
652
00:43:50,650 --> 00:43:53,410
'is that it pretty much does
what it says on the tin.'
653
00:43:53,810 --> 00:43:55,810
For a simple, uncomplicated,
little, track-day car,
654
00:43:56,290 --> 00:43:57,690
you want it to feel like a go-kart.
655
00:43:58,610 --> 00:44:00,290
This kind of does.
656
00:44:01,650 --> 00:44:02,730
It does grip.
657
00:44:04,770 --> 00:44:06,810
I was waiting for understeer then,
there wasn't any.
658
00:44:10,210 --> 00:44:12,770
The gear linkage, always difficult
when the engine is behind you,
659
00:44:13,090 --> 00:44:14,050
works very well.
660
00:44:15,970 --> 00:44:17,490
'But it's not without faults.'
661
00:44:19,570 --> 00:44:21,370
The bonnet rattles about a bit.
662
00:44:21,890 --> 00:44:23,130
The windscreen wipers
occasionally set off
663
00:44:23,530 --> 00:44:25,490
for a wander
all on their own without being asked.
664
00:44:25,850 --> 00:44:28,170
The seals around the windows
are terrible, hence the noise.
665
00:44:29,730 --> 00:44:31,531
And it makes a hell of a noise
over the bumps,
666
00:44:31,650 --> 00:44:33,490
of which there are a few in Mexico.
667
00:44:35,410 --> 00:44:40,170
'At £37,000, it's also nearly
ten grand more than a Lotus Elise.
668
00:44:40,970 --> 00:44:44,770
'And, unfortunately for me,
the fuel tank is small.'
669
00:44:52,010 --> 00:44:55,770
Hola. Petrolo pumpo numero uno,
por favor.
670
00:44:59,130 --> 00:45:02,610
'Despite the flaws, inside
the Mastretta is a good little car,
671
00:45:03,290 --> 00:45:05,090
'just waiting to be finished.'
672
00:45:05,770 --> 00:45:07,971
The thing is, we have kind of
been here before in a way.
673
00:45:08,650 --> 00:45:10,290
James and Jeremy,
when they went to China,
674
00:45:10,690 --> 00:45:11,810
and it wasn't brilliant.
675
00:45:15,290 --> 00:45:17,770
First attempts never are but,
and who knows, with more time
676
00:45:18,450 --> 00:45:21,690
and more practice,
one day the name Mastretta
677
00:45:22,890 --> 00:45:24,850
might really stand for something.
678
00:45:34,490 --> 00:45:36,570
I think, on the whole,
that went pretty well.
679
00:45:40,330 --> 00:45:42,971
That car's been behind me
for a while
now. He's following, isn't he?
680
00:45:43,530 --> 00:45:45,050
That is... He's... He's following me.
681
00:45:46,290 --> 00:45:47,090
Yeah.
682
00:45:54,010 --> 00:45:56,250
Yeah, I know. Really?! Really?
683
00:45:59,410 --> 00:46:00,970
What? Were you just being nice
so you weren't beheaded?
684
00:46:01,490 --> 00:46:03,890
No, no, like I said, it is
genuinely quite a good little car.
685
00:46:04,130 --> 00:46:06,530
Once they sort out some quality
issues it shows real promise.
686
00:46:07,690 --> 00:46:09,410
Well, listen,
the hatchet is now buried, OK?
687
00:46:10,210 --> 00:46:12,290
I think, thanks to Ban Ki-Hammond,
we can now move on
688
00:46:12,690 --> 00:46:13,930
because, tonight,
689
00:46:15,010 --> 00:46:21,450
we are subjecting the new Kia
Cee'd to many, many thorough tests.
690
00:46:22,690 --> 00:46:26,330
And coming up now is the most
thorough test of them all.
691
00:46:27,010 --> 00:46:29,090
Can you play rugby in it?
692
00:46:31,970 --> 00:46:35,330
'Since we were being thorough, we
didn't bother with some minor
league
693
00:46:35,850 --> 00:46:39,490
'club ground but headed instead
for the home of English rugby...'
694
00:46:44,450 --> 00:46:45,850
'..Twickenham.'
695
00:47:02,130 --> 00:47:05,210
OK, I'm going to be captaining
the grey team and the silver team
696
00:47:05,850 --> 00:47:09,490
will be captained by a man who
knows this ground incredibly well.
697
00:47:10,690 --> 00:47:13,650
He drives past it almost
every day. James. Jeremy.
698
00:47:14,610 --> 00:47:17,530
Rules of car rugby. Yeah, and I've
got a question straightaway.
699
00:47:18,170 --> 00:47:19,971
Which is?
On behalf of the viewers, I suspect,
700
00:47:20,090 --> 00:47:21,490
don't you have to pass it
backwards?
701
00:47:22,010 --> 00:47:24,610
In real rugby, yes. That's not
possible. So, we're not doing that?
702
00:47:25,770 --> 00:47:28,410
Are we allowed to do this?
What, here? Yes. Yes!
703
00:47:29,330 --> 00:47:31,290
Has anybody said
"hallowed ground" yet? Not yet.
704
00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:32,971
Can if you want. Go on then.
705
00:47:33,450 --> 00:47:35,970
On this hallowed ground,
we are about to play car rugby.
706
00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:41,530
'In our game, the Cee'd
will be the speedy backs.
707
00:47:43,330 --> 00:47:46,810
'And up front, we'll be using
Kia Sportages as the hard men -
708
00:47:47,770 --> 00:47:48,850
'the forwards.
709
00:47:50,090 --> 00:47:52,050
'So, all we need now is a ref.'
710
00:47:58,970 --> 00:48:01,490
OK, are you ready, James May?
Yes. I'd just point out that
711
00:48:01,850 --> 00:48:03,970
the referee can't speak
and he doesn't know the rules.
712
00:48:04,090 --> 00:48:05,170
But, yes, I'm ready.
713
00:48:07,250 --> 00:48:10,330
'As team captains, Clarkson and I
were both in cars numbered four.
714
00:48:20,810 --> 00:48:22,650
And punt!
715
00:48:26,250 --> 00:48:27,930
Yes! They're reversing.
716
00:48:28,290 --> 00:48:29,970
Look, I'm frightening them!
717
00:48:31,210 --> 00:48:33,690
Argh! I've lost it.
Forwards, forwards.
718
00:48:35,930 --> 00:48:39,970
Here we go. May is ready
to go through the gap. Yes!
719
00:48:41,890 --> 00:48:43,570
Oh, it's still mine.
720
00:48:45,610 --> 00:48:46,450
No, I've lost it.
721
00:48:50,650 --> 00:48:52,570
Oh, look at this.
He's carrying it!
722
00:48:53,370 --> 00:48:55,330
He's picked up the ball
and he's running with it.
723
00:48:58,650 --> 00:49:01,610
'Bravely, James tried to
block my beefy forward.'
724
00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:03,850
I think we can get this back.
725
00:49:07,130 --> 00:49:08,490
Oh!
726
00:49:08,890 --> 00:49:09,128
Well done, men. Well done!
I'm loving your play.
727
00:49:09,129 --> 00:49:11,330
Well done, men. Well done!
'Then, grey five broke free.'
728
00:49:20,650 --> 00:49:22,570
Yes, I'm here and ready.
729
00:49:23,370 --> 00:49:25,330
Yes! Yes!
730
00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:28,370
Yes! No!
731
00:49:29,050 --> 00:49:30,010
Yes!
732
00:49:30,530 --> 00:49:34,050
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!
733
00:49:34,570 --> 00:49:35,530
What a try!
734
00:49:39,770 --> 00:49:42,450
Whoo-hah!
735
00:49:44,250 --> 00:49:47,170
'Having established the Cee'd
could score a try,
736
00:49:47,690 --> 00:49:50,210
'it was now time to see
if it could do the next bit.'
737
00:49:52,970 --> 00:49:54,930
OK, time for a conversion.
738
00:49:57,850 --> 00:50:00,930
Why does he do that?
Why does Jonny Wilkinson do this?
739
00:50:04,890 --> 00:50:06,130
Right, here we go.
740
00:50:07,650 --> 00:50:08,770
At Twickenham!
741
00:50:11,370 --> 00:50:12,210
Yes!
742
00:50:12,690 --> 00:50:14,810
No, no, no, no!
743
00:50:15,730 --> 00:50:16,410
Rubbish.
744
00:50:32,330 --> 00:50:33,130
Fall in, grey.
745
00:50:37,170 --> 00:50:38,970
Come on, winger! Come on!
746
00:50:41,170 --> 00:50:42,971
I should explain,
James May is using a diesel,
747
00:50:43,930 --> 00:50:44,930
it has a higher top speed
748
00:50:45,410 --> 00:50:46,810
than my 1.6 litre petrol
749
00:50:47,770 --> 00:50:51,410
but I have better acceleration,
less weight.
750
00:50:57,250 --> 00:50:58,770
Oh, no, this is bad. They're free.
751
00:51:00,690 --> 00:51:01,810
Come on, winger.
752
00:51:02,210 --> 00:51:03,170
Winger. Winger.
753
00:51:07,490 --> 00:51:09,570
Nice play, guys. Nice play.
754
00:51:10,930 --> 00:51:13,170
Ooh! Violent move there.
Must be James.
755
00:51:13,850 --> 00:51:14,810
And was.
756
00:51:16,570 --> 00:51:17,530
Keep it in. Keep it in
757
00:51:20,850 --> 00:51:22,410
A-ha! It's gone out.
758
00:51:24,370 --> 00:51:27,011
I think you'll find that's a grey
throw-in. What's a grey throw-in?
759
00:51:27,370 --> 00:51:30,011
This is a grey car. No, but your
bloke knocked that out. He didn't!
760
00:51:30,410 --> 00:51:32,410
He did! He didn't.
I'm going to go and ask the ref.
761
00:51:35,690 --> 00:51:36,930
Whose throw-in was that?
762
00:51:41,370 --> 00:51:42,491
Silver? Grey? Can you point?
763
00:51:42,890 --> 00:51:44,570
The worst referee I've ever
come across.
764
00:51:47,450 --> 00:51:49,970
I told James the ref had said it
was a grey throw-in.
765
00:51:51,210 --> 00:51:53,450
So now it's time
for our first lineout.
766
00:51:55,930 --> 00:51:57,730
This is a very useful
feature of the Cee'd.
767
00:51:58,370 --> 00:51:59,210
It's small, compact,
768
00:51:59,890 --> 00:52:01,850
so you can get a good run-up
for taking a lineout.
769
00:52:07,050 --> 00:52:09,690
Here we go.
And... a bit of wheel-spin and punt!
770
00:52:12,330 --> 00:52:13,570
Oh, push, push, push!
771
00:52:18,090 --> 00:52:19,451
I'm against the bigger man... car!
772
00:52:21,010 --> 00:52:22,250
Use that torque!
773
00:52:22,930 --> 00:52:25,850
Ah, they're only front-wheel drive, -
those Sportages,
but they have power.
774
00:52:26,970 --> 00:52:27,770
Come on, team!
775
00:52:29,970 --> 00:52:31,650
Where's the ball gone? There it is.
776
00:52:33,130 --> 00:52:35,650
James had the ball
and was heading for the try line.
777
00:52:37,010 --> 00:52:38,850
Dribbling...
What's it called in rugby?
778
00:52:39,210 --> 00:52:40,490
Running with it.
779
00:52:41,130 --> 00:52:42,930
But we soon put a stop to that.
780
00:52:45,010 --> 00:52:46,410
Ooh! Oh!
781
00:52:48,330 --> 00:52:50,690
So now,
my grey team had the advantage.
782
00:52:52,050 --> 00:52:54,170
Go, number 5. Go, go, go, go!
783
00:52:55,650 --> 00:52:57,330
Ain't no stopping him now!
784
00:52:58,010 --> 00:52:59,450
He's on the move.
He's in the groove!
785
00:53:00,650 --> 00:53:01,890
Yes!
786
00:53:03,130 --> 00:53:04,210
Come on, number three!
787
00:53:07,850 --> 00:53:08,930
That is a try.
788
00:53:16,010 --> 00:53:17,930
This is hopeless.
We're getting thrashed at this.
789
00:53:19,730 --> 00:53:22,410
Weirdly, my team let me
have another go at a conversion.
790
00:53:24,450 --> 00:53:27,410
Right, I'm going for a massive,
massive, massive, kick this time.
791
00:53:32,890 --> 00:53:33,730
Go over!
792
00:53:37,450 --> 00:53:39,570
Yes! Yes!
793
00:53:40,090 --> 00:53:45,010
It's a big
oooooooooooooooooooooone!
794
00:53:49,850 --> 00:53:52,090
At this point,
the ref signalled half-time.
795
00:53:55,050 --> 00:53:57,690
And, in the dressing rooms,
we had the obligatory team talks.
796
00:53:59,210 --> 00:54:01,810
Right, chaps, we are fine athletes, -
I think anyone can see that.
797
00:54:02,090 --> 00:54:04,610
But there is a lot we can
learn from actual rugby players.
798
00:54:05,130 --> 00:54:08,090
This was drawn up
for a recent match they played
799
00:54:09,170 --> 00:54:11,770
and this is what I want you to
concentrate on in the second half -
800
00:54:11,930 --> 00:54:14,570
mindset, go for it, enjoy it,
never give in, OK?
801
00:54:15,530 --> 00:54:21,010
And I think we can add a fourth
to that, which is ram James May.
OK?
802
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:25,690
Ram him whenever you see him
and ram him hard.
803
00:54:26,090 --> 00:54:27,210
Really hard.
804
00:54:28,010 --> 00:54:30,211
Gentleman, I don't want to put
too fine a point on this.
805
00:54:30,490 --> 00:54:32,370
It's half-time, we're losing,
you're a bit crap.
806
00:54:32,810 --> 00:54:34,971
Now, when we're on the attack
we're getting very messy.
807
00:54:35,450 --> 00:54:37,410
Go up the pitch together
in formation,
808
00:54:38,290 --> 00:54:40,970
so we can pass straight up but be
ready to come back down again.
809
00:54:42,330 --> 00:54:44,130
Very important,
reversing if necessary.
810
00:54:44,770 --> 00:54:46,170
If not, you can get to the other
end
811
00:54:46,410 --> 00:54:48,810
and you can quite easily do
a handbrake turn around the post.
812
00:54:48,930 --> 00:54:50,650
Either side,
handbrake turn around the post,
813
00:54:51,690 --> 00:54:54,570
up you go again to the top and kill-
Clarkson. That's all you have to do.
814
00:55:01,170 --> 00:55:01,731
Any questions?
815
00:55:04,050 --> 00:55:06,370
'We knew, as the second half began, -
we had it all to do.'
816
00:55:06,690 --> 00:55:08,810
Right, my blokes need to
get in there and batter them.
817
00:55:13,650 --> 00:55:15,050
'The lads did just that.'
818
00:55:22,690 --> 00:55:24,210
'And soon I got a break.'
819
00:55:25,690 --> 00:55:26,850
It's a run!
820
00:55:29,290 --> 00:55:30,970
I'm coming in from the back!
821
00:55:33,050 --> 00:55:34,730
I know that's Clarkson
trying to tackle me.
822
00:55:37,050 --> 00:55:37,890
Yes!
823
00:55:40,210 --> 00:55:41,210
That's a try!
824
00:55:43,650 --> 00:55:45,010
Oh, my God!
825
00:55:49,610 --> 00:55:51,411
'Naturally, I elected
to take the conversion.'
826
00:55:54,690 --> 00:55:55,930
Please miss. Please miss.
827
00:55:57,730 --> 00:55:59,250
Oh, he's done it!
828
00:56:00,050 --> 00:56:01,010
Give me that!
829
00:56:01,530 --> 00:56:02,330
Damn it!
830
00:56:06,290 --> 00:56:10,090
'May's comeback wasn't
the only problem.'
831
00:56:10,850 --> 00:56:11,970
Oh dear, this hallowed turf is
starting to get
832
00:56:12,370 --> 00:56:13,770
a bit messed up, if I'm honest.
833
00:56:18,770 --> 00:56:20,690
'And things really weren't helped
by the scrums.'
834
00:56:32,770 --> 00:56:35,410
Oh no, it's... I'm stuck.
I've dug a big hole. I can't get...
835
00:56:40,090 --> 00:56:43,170
But on the upside, everything
was lovely inside the Kias.
836
00:56:44,810 --> 00:56:46,890
You see, normally when people play
rugby they get hot
837
00:56:47,410 --> 00:56:50,530
and they get sweaty but we're not
having any of that here.
838
00:56:52,010 --> 00:56:55,530
Got the air conditioning set just
so. I'm not hot, I'm sitting down.
839
00:56:57,570 --> 00:57:01,050
'Whilst I was distracted by the Kia,
Team May broke through again.'
840
00:57:03,290 --> 00:57:04,370
We're on the run.
841
00:57:05,330 --> 00:57:06,570
Stop him, somebody!
842
00:57:07,650 --> 00:57:08,490
This is what we want!
843
00:57:09,970 --> 00:57:10,810
Here we go.
844
00:57:13,130 --> 00:57:14,250
That's a try!
845
00:57:17,490 --> 00:57:18,610
Beautiful!
846
00:57:21,490 --> 00:57:25,290
'Worse still, James got a second
successful conversion.'
847
00:57:25,810 --> 00:57:26,770
Yes!
848
00:57:27,450 --> 00:57:28,850
'Putting his team ahead.'
849
00:57:29,490 --> 00:57:31,330
They are destroying us
in this phase of play.
850
00:57:33,090 --> 00:57:34,370
'With just two points in it
851
00:57:34,890 --> 00:57:36,770
'and the rain turning
Twickenham's hallowed turf
852
00:57:36,930 --> 00:57:38,770
'into a muddy skating rink,
853
00:57:39,170 --> 00:57:41,130
'the play became dirty...
854
00:57:41,490 --> 00:57:42,890
'and violent.'
855
00:57:50,850 --> 00:57:52,090
Classic rugby weather.
856
00:58:03,970 --> 00:58:04,771
I must say, viewers,
857
00:58:05,170 --> 00:58:07,650
at this point I have no idea what
Jeremy has said in this test.
858
00:58:07,970 --> 00:58:11,570
I can confirm, though, that
the Cee'd crashes quite well.
859
00:58:14,890 --> 00:58:16,130
Coming in for a try...
860
00:58:16,970 --> 00:58:17,770
Boof!
861
00:58:18,450 --> 00:58:19,970
Ooh, crikey, Moses!
862
00:58:21,050 --> 00:58:23,010
These things are built
like brick lavatories.
863
00:58:25,930 --> 00:58:26,730
'Which was good,
864
00:58:27,530 --> 00:58:30,130
'because on this surface stopping
was becoming a bit of an issue.'
865
00:58:31,970 --> 00:58:33,890
'Football, that we used to play,
car football...'
866
00:58:34,610 --> 00:58:35,690
Ooh, chit!
867
00:58:36,650 --> 00:58:38,290
'..Is well-suited to a...'
868
00:58:41,130 --> 00:58:42,850
Sorry. That was a total mistake.
My fault.
869
00:58:44,050 --> 00:58:44,890
That's not cricket.
870
00:58:45,690 --> 00:58:47,370
It's actually not that bad.
It'll buff out.
871
00:58:48,850 --> 00:58:50,090
'Despite some injuries,
872
00:58:50,650 --> 00:58:54,850
'all the Kias were still playing as-
the match entered its final phase.'
873
00:58:58,010 --> 00:58:58,970
Oh, he's on a run!
874
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:01,610
Oh, come on, men!
875
00:59:03,970 --> 00:59:05,571
Pass it.
Don't try and get through. Pass.
876
00:59:07,290 --> 00:59:08,090
No!
877
00:59:08,490 --> 00:59:10,290
It's us! It's us! Go, go, go!
878
00:59:12,210 --> 00:59:14,050
Yes! Yes! Yes!
879
00:59:15,930 --> 00:59:16,650
Looking good!
880
00:59:19,130 --> 00:59:20,250
Oh, don't back up!
881
00:59:20,930 --> 00:59:21,730
Go!
882
00:59:25,210 --> 00:59:27,130
Yes! That is a try!
883
00:59:30,850 --> 00:59:31,810
Read it and weep!
884
00:59:47,090 --> 00:59:48,691
I think we've learned
two things tonight.
885
00:59:49,130 --> 00:59:51,370
Number one,
if you want to play rugby in a car,
886
00:59:51,890 --> 00:59:53,410
the Cee'd is brilliant.
887
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:55,530
It's fast, it's agile
and it's tough.
888
00:59:56,010 --> 00:59:57,970
But, perhaps more importantly,
889
00:59:58,650 --> 01:00:00,730
we've learned that grass
is not a good surface.
890
01:00:02,770 --> 01:00:04,730
I mean, we've only played
one match here and look,
891
01:00:05,290 --> 01:00:07,810
the pitch is completely ruined -
absolutely ruined.
892
01:00:10,970 --> 01:00:12,850
They're going to
have to pave this over, really.
893
01:00:21,130 --> 01:00:22,490
Hold on!
894
01:00:25,770 --> 01:00:26,490
Hold on.
895
01:00:26,850 --> 01:00:27,690
Chaps?! What?
896
01:00:28,370 --> 01:00:30,050
Do you know why they call it
hallowed turf?
897
01:00:31,130 --> 01:00:32,250
Erm...
898
01:00:32,770 --> 01:00:35,450
Because it is hallowed.
Do you know what hallowed means?
899
01:00:37,330 --> 01:00:38,170
Temporary.
900
01:00:39,770 --> 01:00:42,730
Yes, yes, James. "Our Father who art-
in heaven, temporary be thy name."
901
01:00:43,690 --> 01:00:47,330
Oh, yeah. I do think we owe
everyone
a apology. Yes, you do.
902
01:00:48,370 --> 01:00:51,610
Because we've just shown strong
pornography before the watershed.
903
01:00:53,090 --> 01:00:54,610
Sorry, what?
All that handbrake action.
904
01:00:54,890 --> 01:00:55,970
Oh, yes.
905
01:00:57,770 --> 01:00:59,890
Every single girl watching tonight
will be cross-eyed.
906
01:01:01,930 --> 01:01:02,770
Good point. They don't see
two fat middle-aged men any more.
907
01:01:03,290 --> 01:01:05,290
What they see are Bradley Cooper
and Ryan Reynolds.
908
01:01:06,770 --> 01:01:09,250
I'm not sure the handbrake lever
is that effective. Yes, it is.
909
01:01:09,650 --> 01:01:11,890
And on that bombshell,
it is time to end.
910
01:01:12,570 --> 01:01:14,807
Thank you so much for watching.
Good night!
911
01:01:14,808 --> 01:01:42,763
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