Tonight... I sit on a rock... James gets something in his eye... Oh! And
Richard says, "Mummy!" Oh, mummy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Thank you, hello! Hello, good evening, thank you so much. Thank
you, now... Now, tonight's show... Tonight's show is interesting
because we have all sort of reverted to type. Later
desert driving like an idiot in a large and
desert driving like an idiot in a in northern Italy driving a rather
elegant sports car and James, well actually, we are kicking off with
James, who really is in his comfort zone because he is on a Second World
War air base talking about a car from the 1950s.
This is The Stig taking a Caterham to the ragged edge on our track back
in 2008. That particular lap is something of
an Internet sensation. It's been viewed over 100 times and one of the
reasons it's so popular is because that is the Caterham R500, the most
powerful and extreme car they have ever built. Or, rather, it was.
Because its crown has just been stolen by this. The brand new
Caterham 620R. Where the old 500 had 263hp, this has 310. And since it
weighs just 545kg, it has a better power to weight ratio than a Bugatti
Veyron. But I have driven a Bugatti Veyron and I have to say it was very
civilised. Let's see how this compares.
ENGINE REVS. Oh! Bloody Nora! Oh! Argh! Argh!
Argh! ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH.
I can't see! Oh! Ow! BLEEP. ?? new line Argh!
God above, that's not... That's not like acceleration, that's like being
in a football and somebody kicks it. Ugh!
'With a helmet and goggles deputising for the windscreen, 'I
tried once more to get to grips with the 620R.' Obviously, you can tell
from the way I'm screaming at you, the racket in here is tremendous.
It's quite difficult to breathe. 'That's hardly surprising since 0-60
takes just 2.8 seconds. 'And it's not like you can get your
breath back in the corners.' TYRES SCREECH.
Geez. HE COUGHS.
Right, this time, watch this. TYRES SCREECH.
Oh, not again. Sorry. There'll be a lot of editing to do on this piece.
'Stick at it for several months and you can bring the 620R to heel.'
Whey, hey-hey! 'And when you get your eye in, it's
not a bad car.' It's still a Caterham. It's all very crisp. Very
nice. Fantastic sequential gearbox. 'It's just that it's too much hard
work.' The trouble is this is power piled on power. It can barely
contain itself. It's like a teenager left alone with the Internet. The
wheels and the suspension can only just keep up with what's going on.
Whey-hey! It's not supposed to be like this. It's just a little
Whey-hey! It's not supposed to be car! 'However, I think I have an
answer to the problem.' You see, I car! 'However, I think I have an
minimalist car, you need to take a minimalist approach to performance
and handling, as well. It's no good just piling on more and more power,
that's like trying to improve a curry by putting more and more
chillies in it. What I'm trying to say is, well, Caterham needs to find
a better Indian restaurant. Fortunately it seems they're ahead
of me on this one. Alongside their new, most powerful car ever, they've
also come up with this, their least powerful car ever. It's called the
160 and it has just 80hp from a tiny turbo-charged three-cylinder Suzuki
engine. So the engine is much smaller but
then so is the price. The 620R is ?50,000. This is just ?17,000.
Admittedly, 0-60 takes a gentle seven seconds and the top speed is
only 100. But that's not the point. Top speed, 0-60, they're just
numbers. They are meaningless in themselves. What matters is whether
or not they add up into a sensation and this delivers a tremendous
sensation. TYRES SCREECH.
HE CHUCKLES. The key to the 160's sense of fun is
a set of super skinny tyres. They are only a tiny bit wider than a
space saver. So you only have to twitch your foot a little bit...
TYRES SCREECH. ..and you can slide around like
TYRES SCREECH. Hakkinen. Oh, lovely! Look at me.
Whoo! When you have worn your tyres out, they're only 40 quid each to
replace. Even The Stig, who normally turns his snout up at anything with
less than 500hp, had an absolute ball.
It has a windscreen. It'll do over 50 miles to the gallon. As far as
I'm concerned, it's the best car Caterham has ever made. In fact,
there's only one thing wrong with it. The way it looks. Next to the
latest stripped out sports cars like the Ariel Atom, and the BAC Mono, it
sits a bit like a typewriter in an Internet cafe. I wonder if they
could do something about that? As it happens, they're ahead of me
on that one, too. This is the AeroSeven. It's been developed with
the help of the Caterham F1 team. The great thing is, it isn't some
static papier mache one-off built for a motor show stand.
Positively down on gastrique by Caterham standards. The next thing
you know, they'll have a fax machine. The AeroSeven isn't going
into production for a year or so. Before it does, there's one major
thing they need to fix. Ow! Oh! It hasn't got a windscreen! Useless!
The best car they've ever made? According to him, it is. Well... The
best car they've ever made? Slowest... So, James, er... So you
don't like cars without windscreens? No, I hate cars without windscreens.
That is the most idiotic idea in the whole history of motoring, isn't it?
What is the point? What advantage is there of building a car without a
windscreen? You might as well have a snorkel mask with no glass in it and
you get hit in the eyeball by fish. LAUGHTER. ?? new line It's that
idiotic. James, before you have an aneurysm, there are one or two
points that Hammond and I would like to make about some of the things you
said in that film. Hammond, do you want to go first? Yeah, four minutes
and 58 seconds into your film, whilst referring to acceleration
figures, you say, "they are just numbers, they're meaningless." They
are. You would say that! James, but a car that accelerates from 0-60 in
2.8 seconds is better than one that does it in seven seconds. No, what I
was actually saying... Also, at three minutes 51, you say and I'm
paraphrasing here, that giving it more power is like trying to improve
a curry by adding more chillies. Mmm. That is how you improve a
curry! No, it isn't. It is. Remember the chicken curry from school, it
was screaming for more spice, it's what it needed is more. Yes, then
James at five minutes and 29 seconds, you said you were sliding
around like Mika Hakkinen. I was. Yes, but you see Mika Hakkinen is a
Formula one driver and they don't slide around. Yeah, but when Mika
Hakkinen took me out for a drive, he did slide around! Yes, but he's not
known for sliding around. No, exactly. He might collect porcelain
frogs but you don't go around saying, "I'm collecting porcelain
frogs like Mika Hakkinen right now." It's not relevant. Exactly! Have you
quite finished? Well, not really because there's a lot to go through
but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track
and that, of course, means fast these cars go round our track
them over to a man who can actually drive!
LAUGHTER. ?? new line Some say that he once put Helen Mirren in a
dishwasher. LAUGHTER. ?? new line And that at
the Winter Olympics he was disqualified from the skeleton event
for riding down the hill on an actual skeleton.
LAUGHTER. ?? new line All we know is he's called The Stig!
?? WHITE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. ?? new line And they are off. Oo, it's
a bit damp out there, that may slow them down a bit. 620R building up a
command... Oh, no, there was the other one coming into shot... At the
last moment. First corner in, the 620R, he's handling that well. No,
still... Yes, we just saw the other one. And here he is, no music,
obviously, to listen to today. Just the sound of that two-litre Ford
Duratec engine, supercharged in the 620R. They don't use the 2.3 that
they use and the BAC Mono. Here he is at the back! Cos it's too tall.
He is actually struggling to get the power down. But he is getting it
down. Beautifully. Right, Follow Through next. Here he is, definitely
lifting off. This is a magnificent example of car control from The
Stig, in one of them at least! The other one simply not there. Right,
just... Oh, good God, look at that. Nearly losing it at the exit of the
Follow Through. Handling it nicely coming through into Gambon. Getting
some opposite lock on before the corner and across the line!
We just have to wait now for James's favourite car to finish. "The best
car Caterham have ever made"... There it goes.
LAUGHTER. ?? new line Any minute now, it'll be across the line. OK,
talk is!
AUDIENCE CHEERS. APPLAUSE. ?? new line Wet lap, so
we're not expecting any records, we certainly haven't got them. Right
the 620R, the car you didn't much like. That did it in 1:22.3. Similar
conditions, similar time to the magnificent Lexus LFA. OK? Now your
favourite car... Not quite so fast. LAUGHTER.
?? new line There's no other way of saying this, it was a 1:45.5, so
it's there. It's actually five seconds slower than Morgan's wooden
tricycle. ?? new line Good. And that's your
favourite car? Of those two, yeah. LAUGHTER.
?? new line And now the news and the news is that later on in this
programme Jeremy is going to try and prove to James and me that cars are
better than bikes. Well, that's because they are. Well, they're not.
Oh, yes they are. They're warmer than bikes, they stand up by
themselves. You don't have to wear rubber trousers. They're faster. Not
faster! They are round corners. Well, not in a straight line. Yes,
you see, that's what I'm going to prove later on that they are faster
in a straight line. Really? Yes, I am. Really? Yes, I am, but now we're
going to do the proper news, OK? Now you know all around the world there
are museums for all sorts of silly things. There's a pencil museum in,
is it Cumbria? Yeah, it is. Yeah, a pencil museum. There's an umbrella
museum in Spain and a museum of the vagina in Japan. There is a penis
museum in Iceland. Been there. It's very cold, all the exhibits are very
small. The reason I bring this up is because, in America there is a
Corvette because, in America there is a
photograph of it here. because, in America there is a
America is quite... Heavy. because, in America there is a
they're bigger gentleman. Big-boned. Well, one of them visited the museum
this week and this happened. LAUGHTER.
?? new line Must have been a big one! That was a big hole. And
apparently, eight cars fell into it. There's a shot actually looking
down. Look at that. Oh, God, that's painful to see! Damage was estimated
at $37. Was it? Was it? But actually, we shouldn't mock because
you know there was a sinkhole, which is what this is, that opened on the
M2 this week, did you see? On the central reservation? They closed the
motorway for 18 hours. That, they kept the museum open. They did!
Well, you can still see the cars. Yeah, you just... I think we should
applaud the Americans for that because that's a good attitude to
health and safety. It is. Well done, you. Oh, now, I tell you what, I've
just remembered something else. Recently, we were talking about, um,
those motorway gantry signs that flash up idiotic nannying messages.
There was a sign photographed in America this week, OK, I think it
was in Texas. There was a light snow flurry and some wag, and this is
brilliant, posted this. "Oh my God! Is that snow? We're all gonna die!"
That's more like it! It's just fabulous. But actually, that is what
we should do. Because that is the British way. Self-deprecating, make
fun of the situation, have a laugh. Make fun of the rules and
regulations. I don't know who did this, but if you're watching and you
ever come to England, I would like to buy you a beer. I'll put a
strawberry on it for you. Yes. Now, I've received a letter. May I just
read it to you? "Dear Mr Clarkson..." You're going to love
this. "I'm writing to you on behalf of the world-famous Madame
Tussauds." Oh, they're not going to... Yes, they are! Oh, you're
joking! Oh, no! They say I have been highly requested, highly requested,
to be immortalised in wax. You sure that doesn't say immersed in wax?
No, immortalised in wax. that doesn't say immersed in wax?
they going to immortalise you in wax? Where are they going to get all
the wax? Presumably they'll have to melt down everything else in Madame
Tussauds, to make one massive hideous wax dummy... Of a hideous
dummy. It's easy, they just get a very big candle, they light it, let
it drip down the edges for a couple of hours, then just draw a face on
it with felt tip. That would look a bit like him. What are they going to
do with it when they've got it? Imagine children, "We're going to
Madame Tussauds! What is that?" THEY SCREAM.
It's going to be the first waxwork in history to be sculpted with a
pickaxe. Yes! And a hammer. I want to see them sculpting it, cos
imagine, once they've melted down enough wax, which is a lot, the size
of the urn, it'll look like a scene from Lord Of The Rings! With all
these little orcs walking around the bottom, getting ready... A big pour,
to create this hideous, hideous, grotesque, enormous thing! How are
they going to fit it in? No, don't put it there, put it in the Natural
History Museum. Next to the big brontosaur! Just a
big skeleton. Just a big skeleton next to the brontosaur, a big
tyrannosaurus- what-the-hell-is-that? And then
people can go and watch. Ladies and gentlemen, the sound of bitterness
and jealousy. My colleagues, there. I wish I hadn't brought that up. As
you probably noticed last week, a Danish supercar called the Zenvo
came down here and caught fire. A lot of people were very shocked by
that but actually, it's not unusual for expensive cars to catch fire
when they're first released. Ferrari had a problem with the 458. And then
just this week, we've been hearing about Porsche GT3 problems. There's
a shot here of one in... Of one in Switzerland. The internet is awash
with rumours of other examples of this. Porsche themselves admit it
has happened in Italy as well. And have now suspended deliveries of the
new GT3 to customers. have now suspended deliveries of the
if you'd already taken delivery of your brand- new... Your brand-new
and expensive your brand- new... Your brand-new
fire at any moment? Well, we really need to ask a customer, don't we,
who's just done that? Hammond! What? You've just had a GT3 delivered,
haven't you? Yes! HE LAUGHS.
Shut up, stop talking about it. Thank you, move on. It must be so
depressing. Oh, God. Yes, it is. To have worked so hard to buy your
dream car that is then immediately valueless. Oh, God! So to try and
cheer you up, Hammond, I've bought you a small present. Oh, have you?
Thank you, I love your gifts. We don't often buy each other presents
on this show but I've done just that today. Mono... They're actually GT3
branded driving gloves. Oven gloves. Thank you. Funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
And... Doesn't just stop there. Oh, please let it stop. I think we need
to coat your car in the most fire retardant material known to man.
Pizzas. Oh, not your pizza theory! It's one of his stupid theories.
Come on, Hammond, come with me. Really? Now, this is your actual
GT3. Yes, it is, actually, yes. We know this because there's a fireman
standing next to it with an extinguisher in case it suddenly
combusts. Good! Now, what I'm planning on doing, OK, is I'm going
to take these pizzas, pop them on the car. And then apply a blowtorch.
No! No, you're not, no, you're not! I've seen you do this and you're not
doing it to my car. No. But the ladies and gentlemen want to see if
pizza is... I don't care! Not to my car! No. Can we attach them to you?
Well, if you must, yes. Right, well, first of all, we need to
establish... James, can I borrow you? Yes. First of all we need to
establish that these are pizzas, OK? Have a look. You will see there's no
asbestos in there, they're real pizzas. Yes? Yeah.
asbestos in there, they're real you'd like to just take a bite? Yes,
let me just pull a piece off. you'd like to just take a bite? Yes,
that a pizza? Tastes like the cardboard box it came in, so it must
be. There you go. So those are the pizzas. If you'd like to attach
those to Hammond, that would be tremendous. To his face? Um... His
vegetables. OK. Oh, really? Come on! Oh, not... That's ambitious, mate.
That's by my knees! Now, I'm going to fire up the blowtorch. There we
go. Oh, God, come on, no! This is ridiculous! James, how hot is the
tip of this flame? Probably the best part of 800 degrees C. Enough to
melt aluminium. Enough to melt aluminium. This is a real blowtorch.
Look, I can demonstrate it. Fire on there, you can actually see it
burning the table nicely. Oh! This is a real, well, two layers of
pizza, and a real Richard Hammond. Everybody ready? CROWD: Yes!
Wouldn't do it to him. AUDIENCE GROANS.
Oh, yes, I would! AUDIENCE CHEERS.
Oh, no! HE YELLS. ?? new line Jeremy, that's
quite a long time, isn't it? Not really. Stop it! I can smell burning
sausage. Is that alarming? Can you see? Pizza. Pop it on your car. No!
Ladies and gentlemen, Hammond is still here.
APPLAUSE. ?? new line Stupid, stupid. That is... I think that is a
Top Gear hot tip. We're going to move on. Because, you see, in the
olden days, when James was 43, car makers would sell you a complete car
like they do now. Or they would sell you something like this - an engine,
a chassis, and some suspension. And then you would take this to a coach
building company who would then fit a personalised body, personalised
interior, you could have anything you wanted. And in the '30s, this
interior, you could have anything meant there were some truly amazing
creations. Back then, there were coach building
companies all over the world, helping the wealthy to fulfil their
wildest dreams. Anything was possible, and everything was done.
Coach building meant that Clark Gable didn't have to have a car that
looked like this. It meant he could have one that looked like this.
Today, though, cars are built differently. You don't get a chassis
with a body on the top. Because the body sort of is the chassis. The
pillars, the roof, the doorframes, they're all load-bearing, so
changing anything is a nightmare. And this has meant that for many
years, coach building has been a lost art. Now, though, I'm delighted
to say... It's back. Welcome, everyone, to the Alfa Romeo
Disco Volante. One of the most striking,
intelligent, and unusual cars I've seen in a very long time.
It started out in life as an Alfa Romeo 8C. But was totally re-bodied
and re-upholstered by an old coach building company in Milan called
Touring. In the '50s, they styled and built
sports In the '50s, they styled and built
they designed the Aston Martin DB5 and DB6. Along with the Jensen
Interceptor, and the very first Lamborghini - the 350GT.
That is quite a CV. In recent years, however, they've been reduced to
making mildly modified Bentleys and Maseratis. It's been like watching
Dame Judi Dench reduced to appearing in a regional pantomime.
But now, they've decided to bring the lost art of proper coach
building back, with the Disco Volante.
Certain structural and safety related things can't be changed. The
seat belt mounting points, the windscreen, the suspension mounting
points, they'll be the same on this car as they are on this one. It's
like plastic surgery. You can't change the skeleton, but you can
change the flesh. And that is what they've done. But has it worked?
The simple answer is, yes. It doesn't shake, it doesn't rattle. It
doesn't feel like botched plastic surgery. You don't think every time
you go over a bump, "Oh no, my nose is going to fall off." Doesn't feel
like Michael Jackson. Do you know what it does feel? It
feels... Solid. It feels, and this is high praise for a hand-built car,
it feels... Mass-produced. That said, it does not feel like the
car that spawned it. It That's because they've softened the
suspension, they've turned it from a stiff, B-road barnstormer into a
comfortable cruising machine, and I like that.
There are loads of cars built specifically to attack a road like
this. So it's quite refreshing to find one that allows you to savour
it. Savour the views, savour the moment. So, it doesn't feel like an
8C. And it certainly doesn't sound like
one either. Oh, it's the most... ..soulful-sounding car I think I've
ever heard. It's as though the entire exhaust system is actually
made out of Otis Redding. # Left my home in Georgia... # ROARS
IN TUNE WITH ENGINE. GIGGLES. ?? new line # Heading for
the Frisco Bay... # IMITATES ACCELERATING ENGINE.
GROWL It's Otis! Don't get me wrong, though. This is not a slow car. It
has a 444 horsepower 4.7 litre Maserati V8.
Couple that to a super-light carbon fibre and aluminium body, and you
end up with a car that accelerates like it's fallen off a cliff.
The top speed is 181. Thing is, though, driving a car this
exquisite, this elegant, quickly, feels wrong. It would be like pogo
dancing to I Heard It Through The Grapevine. No, no, no, you can't do
that! This, this kind of speed, this is
where it's at its best. Half speed. I don't even feel inclined to drive
it fast. I don't want to hang the tail out on the hairpins. Just want
to put it in auto, put some tunes on the stereo, like so. Pop on a pair
of sunglasses... And slow on down. And pretty soon, you'll want to stop
altogether and get out. Because looking at this car, that's really
what it's all about. It's interesting how many elements
from other things are in that shape. I can see a little bit of Corvette,
a bit of E-Type... Then there's the, um...I think it was called the
Discovery, the spaceship in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I see that at the
front. And I love the way they paint it gold before they paint it red to
make the colour richer. Then there's the name - "Disco Volante" - picked
out in the seats. I know, in Italian, Disco Volante means "flying
saucer" but to me, it's the name of Largo's hydrofoil in the Bond film
Thunderball. I think it really is time now to
bring out my special, "in love" face.
I was jealous of Hammond when he came out to Italy the other day to
drive the new Alfa 4C, because, to me, that thing is special.
It's...it's the Angel Gabriel. But I'm not jealous any more, because
this... This is the full baby Jesus. I'm not going to say it's the best
car in the world - it certainly isn't the nicest to drive, the
brakes are spongy, you can see nothing out of the back. But as a
tool for making feel special, really, nothing gets close. Nothing
at all. A Maserati heart, an Alfa Romeo
badge, exhausts made out of Otis Redding... ..and a hand-crafted body
to die for. That is one hell of a combination. It really is.
?? new line No, no, no, no, no. No, don't... Sorry. What? Hang on. You
were having a go at me earlier on because I preferred the slow
Caterham to the fast one. Mm-hm. And here you are, raving about a car
that's happiest at half-speed? Well, yes. You're an utter hypocrite. No,
no - you see, the thing is, I'd prefer to drive to somebody's house
in a Lexus LFA, cos I like the power from that screaming V10 engine. But
in a Lexus LFA, cos I like the power beautiful, it's handcrafted...
in a Lexus LFA, cos I like the power much is it? Uh... Well, do you know,
they won't tell me, even when I lightly tortured them. But I have
heard there's a man in Singapore paid ?1.5 million for his. Now,
there are a lot of import taxes in Singapore - I mean, huge ones. Even
so, that's about 130... That's still ?600,000 for the car. Yes, I know.
And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to
drive a left-hand drive car on the road. So he's paid ?1.5 million for
a car he can't drive. LAUGHTER. ?? new line He's
completely mad. He isn't - somebody's just paid, what, ?42
million for a Francis Bacon painting. You can't drive that,
either. It's not a car. James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.
Because we have to now put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. Now, my
guest tonight is extremely funny, but he can't drive. So he is the
exact opposite of Nigel Mansell. LAUGHTER.
?? new line Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall.
APPLAUSE. ?? new line How are you? Good, how are you? Look who's here!
Hello. Hey. Have a seat. Oh... Ooh... Do you know, I haven't seen
you since you were in short trousers. Yes, well, I mean, you
know... You were a big part of my childhood. And that's not something
that probably everyone in here knows. Jeremy was a father at the
prep school that I went to and I have a lot of very vivid... This is
a big moment for me, being here, with you, cos... With long trousers.
With long trousers on - tight, long trousers. But you were, like, the
first kind of... Real, kind of, silverback alpha male I'd ever set
eyes on. Every other father at the school that I went to was, like, a
blubbering-faced posh toff with a Barbour jacket. Then you came
striding across the sports field, a vision in denim, like... It was
amazing - we were all like, "Oh, God, look at him! "He probably eats
his steak rare "and doesn't bother getting out of the bath to take a
BLEEP. " LAUGHTER.
?? new line. And here you are. It was always those book signings -
that's... You had to go, all the parents had to go, if they'd written
a book - and almost everyone at this school had... Yeah. You'd be in this
room and there'd be Jeremy Paxman with a big stack of books he was
trying to sell. It was you and Paxman... I remember it like it was
yesterday. There was one room, it was a science lab. You were at one
end and Paxman was at the other. And it was basically who's got the
biggest dick competition. He'd have some really acerbic, intelligent
book he'd written about the Reformation, then you'd have, you
know... "Full Throttle", or whatever it was. It was. It was. He'd got a
queue of people going, you know, "Your observations on the
Plantagenets are most interesting." And I got, "Do you think the Subaru
is better than the Evo?" Now... We get many guests down here who say,
"Ooh, no, I can't drive." And they mean, "I've never done any track
driving "and I'm not very confident and I'm not very good." When we say
you can't drive, we mean... You CAN'T drive. No. No, I can't drive
at all. I... I mean, I've been in a car once, behind the wheel. I've
done passenger stuff loads of times, I'm amazing. But the driving aspect,
I've done, like, half a lesson? My dad gave me half a lesson and it
became clear that it wasn't really a lesson - he wanted a lift to the
butchers. So we drove down the road to the left, he picked up a leg of
lamb and we went home. So that's the only lesson I ever had. But I've
never been behind the wheel of a car on my own ever before. So I thought
it would be good to come and do it... Here? Which, of course, meant
that we actually had to teach you to drive a car. Yeah. When I say,
"we"...The Stig. Yeah, I mean, he wasn't... He's
"we"...The Stig. Yeah, I mean, he let's put it that way. Um... Well,
we've actually got some footage let's put it that way. Um... Well,
Jack's first ever driving lesson in an actual... Was it a manual? I
mean, did it have, like, a lever coming out there? It had a pull-y
thing and then three pedals. Three pedals and a pull-y thing. This is
known as a manual car. A manual car, yes. Anybody like to see Jack's
first ever driving lesson? AUDIENCE: ?? GREEN Yes!
Never, ever done this before. Here we go, let's have a look. It should
make a "vroom" noise, shouldn't it? Do I... Am I turning it the right
way? No? Right, OK, fine. 'Was he completely uncommunicative?' He
didn't even nod. ENGINE REVS.
Yes! ENGINE STALLS.
Stig, I might need a little bit more from you than this. OK, right, so
that's not working. By process of elimination, if we come off the
clutch and press this... ENGINE REVS.
Yeah, that's revving. Getting ready. And your handbrake's on. That sounds
good. No, it doesn't. OK, this is getting better. Oh, Jesus...
APPLAUSE. ?? new line I mean, well done. But we had to go from that to
getting you round a lap in the space of an hour. I think my priorities
were... He didn't think that I was taking it seriously, cos when I
first got in the car - a perfectly valid thing, it's the thing I always
ask when I get in a car, is whether he had an iPhone charger. Because
mine had died and I wanted to get some photos of the journey and he
wasn't happy about that. He's so moody! I asked him if there was a
Mrs Stig and that didn't go down well. No, it wouldn't. That's what
he needs - maybe he's not getting enough of it at home. I thought of
the perfect person for The Stig as well - match made in Heaven - him
demonstrations on The Cube. With the mask.
LAUGHTER. They would be perfect together!
APPLAUSE. What would the babies be like? The babies would be amazing!
You could do it as a challenge - send them to the Isle of Fernandos!
Talking of The Stig not getting enough, how, if you're a 17-year-old
youth, do you get any... At all from girls if you can't drive them
anywhere? Yeah, it was hard. Especially when I became a stand-up
and it was like, stand-up, you're going around on tours, quite
rock'n'roll, there would be groupies and stuff, but it's very hard to
pull a groupie when your mother has driven you to the gig. Afterwards,
you'd be like, "Yeah, you want to go back to my crib? "My ride's outside,
it's the Volvo just there. "You'll have to sit in the back, cos I ride
up front with Mummy. "Hope you like The Archers!" So when you're doing
your gigs now, presumably your mum doesn't take you around. No - the
best thing about this latest tour, it's the biggest one I've done, and
I'm going to be in a tour bus, which is amazing. Cos the worst thing, I
find, about doing a tour when you're in a car is having to use petrol
station toilets, cos the lock on a petrol station toilet door is always
broken. They're always bust, then you have to do that thing which we
all do, which I call "lavatory yoga" where you work out how to keep the
door with a broken lock shut. Yeah. There's three main schools of it -
you've got the Tom Daley, where you lean forward with the arms like
that. Use the fingertips. Yeah. But I can't BLEEP unless I'm playing
Candy Crush, so that doesn't work. Then you've got the Bowing Monk,
where you put your head forward and just use it as a doorstop. But
someone can, like, knock you out if they're too insistent on getting in.
Then your third option, which is the best one, which you should always
use, is the Woman In Labour, where you plant two feet onto the door.
But I committed to this recently in a petrol station just outside of
Bolton, and I'd fully committed, but you have to be a master of your
surroundings, you have to be a master of your
door in question opened both ways! This, like, hairy trucker ripped it
off and literally thought I was kind of presenting myself to him!
"Hello!" Now, I want to just go on to... Are you playing the O2? I'm
playing the O2 on the... Oh, I've forgotten the date!
LAUGHTER. Come on. 17th March. 17th March? The 17th or 18th March. Like,
roughly. 17th, he's coming, he's got a ticket. The 17th! Oh, no, he works
here. And there we are, so... It's not just going to be a tour, there's
plenty of surprises as well. There will be the greatest ever Segway
entrance to a stand-up tour the world has ever seen. Somebody's
putting you on a Segway? I'm on a Segway, yeah. Well, that's worth
going to see. It's got everything you'd want from a stand-up comedy
tour. Anyway, the lap. I ought to explain, you did actually ditch the
manual, didn't you, for the lap and go to an automatic? Yeah, I thought
that was best cos I wanted to get all the way around it. The only
trouble with an automatic is you're not going to... You'll probably not
get very high up that anyway, so... Let's not worry too much about that.
Who here would like to see the result of your driving lesson?
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Here we go. Oh, dear. Flying solo for the first
time. Come on, Jack. You are a king of speed! We shall see, you look a
bit frightened. I was very frightened. You've steered round
that one. It sounds awful. Oh, good God! And off. That counts though,
doesn't it? Yes, yes, yes, you're still... To be honest, a lot of what
The Stig says is BLEEP! It's really just about... Oh!
JEREMY LAUGHS. I guess we'll never know, as we do Chicago, heading down
to the Hammerhead. Where are you going? That's completely the
wrong... Oh, I feel so sick. You made yourself sick! I made myself
sick. And here we go, round the Hammerhead... Whoops!
sick. And here we go, round the good. Not really...
circular thing is necessary there in front of you. Is it low on petrol?
Cos it kept beeping. Right, so, it was beeping at you? Don't go off
there! Tyres. This one was good. Oh, braking there! That's ballsy because
that can upset the rear end in a front-wheel-drive car and I may be
talking French as far as you're concerned there. Only Gambon to go
and can you do it? Oh, wait a minute, yes, nearly, you can! Across
the line! CHEERING. I got there. When you bear
in mind that you arrived this morning having driven a car once to
the butchers and back... Yeah. And then you had a lesson and then put
that together, I think that's pretty impressive, I really do. Oh, thank
you. But how fast do you think you did it? Where do you think you came
on the board? Oh, I don't know. In between Hiddleston and Bonneville?
You're hoping to get between Tom and Hugh? Around about the 1.50 mark?
Yeah. You did it, Jack Whitehall... You're leaning forward like a pro...
One minute... One minute, that's good. ..50... There's no kind way of
saying this. ..4.5. AUDIENCE GROANS. It's all right, you
know... Getting in the car for me was a victory in itself. Do you want
to move it further down? I feel like I'm sullying that person by being
there. But that, I mean... Maybe I could come back after I've actually
learnt to drive and I would get a competitive time. I'd like that
because this was woeful. Yeah, I know! At least I'm on the board and
not at home crying in my pants, which is
not at home crying in my pants, comes to driving. No, I'd like to
have you back because it's comes to driving. No, I'd like to
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
Now... If you want a car that's fast, you're spoiled for choice.
Same story if you want a car that's economical or cheap, or has a big
boot, but what if you're a massive show-off and your main requirement
is for a car that makes you stand out in your hometown? Well, that can
be a lot trickier depending upon the town where you live, as I shall now
demonstrate. Welcome to the United Arab Emirates,
where, as you can see, it takes quite a lot to stand out on the car
front. Out here, your common or garden
Ferrari or Lamborghini can no longer cut the mustard. So what do you do
if you want to turn heads? Well, I think I may have the answer.
ENGINE REVS. You see, everyone thinks about
blinging their wheels, but nobody ever thinks of adding MORE wheels.
This is the new six-wheeled version of Mercedes's iconic G-Wagen. And
beside the extra wheels, it also ticks the rarity box because it's
one of only two in existence. More will be built, though I suspect not
many when you consider the price, which is a trouser-troubling
?370,000. The six-wheel G-Class was originally
built for the Australian Army, who demanded standard equipment like
seats and doors. In this civilian version, however, you get heated and
ventilated electric leather chairs, a leather-trimmed dashboard and a
bamboo-lined cargo bay. You really do get a lot of car for
your money, as in A LOT OF CAR. I mean, look at it. It's nearly a
metre longer than a Range Rover and it's got 37-inch wheels. I reckon I
could get my head in the gap between the wheel and the wheel arch. Yeah,
I can. Try doing that in a Range Rover.
ENGINE REVS. The six-by-six also weighs three-and-three-quarter
tonnes or the same as three VW Golfs. So, engine-wise, it can't
afford to mess about. It's actually got a 5.5 litre, 536-horsepower
twin-turbo V8 from Mercedes's in-house nutterists, AMG.
Oh, we're getting a move on! 560 pound-feet of torque. 0-60 in under
six seconds. That's sports car stuff in something
the size of a shopping centre. Fuel economy? Well, I doubt this will be
the official transport to the next Greenpeace annual conference. All
I'll say is they thought it best to fit two fuel tanks. You change over
using this switch up here. And everybody loves an overhead switch.
If I drove this down Ross-on- Wye high street, I would be lord of all
I survey. high street, I would be lord of all
Herefordshire, this thing attracts attention even around here.
SIREN WAILS. Seriously? Really? 'Yeah, he's serious. 'As it turned
out, 'the policeman had never seen such an unusual car before...'
There's six wheels. I guess it's the same on the other side. '..and was
on his way again after he'd had a look.' Bye! Lamborghini Aventador
police car. They don't have those in Ross- on-Wye. Or these... Ferrari
FF. That's an S... MG. What a funny day.
Now, although the six-by-six is seriously quick on tarmac and turns
policemen's heads, where it's really built to shine is as an off- roader.
Let me give you an example. A Land Rover Defender can wade through half
a metre of water and that's very good. This can wade through twice
that. However, this being the desert, water is quite hard to find,
so if you want to test it, you do have to improvise.
Morning, sorry. Sorry. This is, unless I'm very much mistaken, a
metre of water. And my six-by-six is... Wading through it. Even
dealing with the rubber rings. Yeah, not having any difficulties
this at all. But how does it cope with sand? Well, the good news is,
sand is one thing we're really not short of. Welcome to the Empty
Quarter. The largest sand desert in the world. Covering some 250,000
square miles. Out here, temperatures hit 50 degrees centigrade and there
are dunes more than 800ft high. OK, we have six-wheel drive with the
power split 30-40-30 across the axles... Check. Stronger front
springs from the armoured version of the G- Class... Check. Locking diffs
- oh, we've got those. The most you'd expect normally would be
three. On here, five! And you lock them using these buttons in
different ways. Right, let's go. These are big, big dunes. This is
more of a sand mountain I'm on right now.
Oh! Three-and-three-quarter tonnes of Mercedes is doing this, it just
doesn't feel right! This extra axle and these two extra
wheels, it changes the way the six-by-six travels over the ground,
it undulates, it feels supple. It's like blasting through the desert
dunes... ..riding a sinew. Come on! O-o-o-oh! No! BLEEP! I got
some air. Sorry, everybody. 'Intoxicated by what the Merc could
do, 'I drove deeper and deeper into the Empty Quarter.' Right, where's
it go now? Oh, for crying out loud! I wouldn't
ski down that! OK. Whoa-oh-oh-aah! Over the top, over
the top... Oh! Oh, very unpleasant, not nice!
It's vertical! I'm in a car, I'm having a plane crash! I'm still
going down! Ahead, I saw a nice, flat desert
floor 'and decided that was a much safer place to be.' HE LAUGHS.
It's drifting! Now it's a rally car, a gigantic rally car.
And let's not forget, I'm not having to shout over this, it's not
"Raaargh!" In here. I'm still cocooned in luxury. It's an amazing
device. Now, when you take an off- roader
across sand, the standard practice, as I've done, is to let some air out
of the tyres to give them a bigger footprint. Now I'm going back on
tarmac, so I need to reinflate them. All I've got to do is operate these
overhead switches. I feel like a jet pilot. Compressor on. Going up. And
they can reinflate ALL of these tyres in under a minute. Oh, I love
this. If I did this in Ledbury I'd be mobbed by now.
Leaving the Empty Quarter behind, I headed back towards civilisation.
I'm not going to pretend this is anything less than a preposterous
machine. It's a six-metre, three-and-three-quarter tonne,
?370,000, six-wheeled dinosaur, but as dinosaurs go, it is a magnificent
one. Magnificent to behold, magnificently made, it's one of the
car world's mad moments. A day off from Priuses and Leafs. And even in
a country as chock-full of showy-offy cars as this one, it's
still really rather special. You can forget your chrome wraps and
whatever, I don't think you can beat just having more wheels than
anything else, and I can say with absolute confidence that I have more
wheels than any other... Oh. No matter, one thing I can say for
sure is that this is the most extreme Mercedes out here. I doubt
there's anything with a Mercedes badge in these parts that can draw
as much attention... As that. All right, so I don't have the most
wheels, it's not the most extreme Mercedes out here, but the
six-by-six does have size on its side. Bigger than any Range Rover,
bigger than any Land Cruiser, bigger than that old Jeep up there and
that's the thing - a car can be beautiful but when it's big, it's
got presence and they don't come much bigger than...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Brilliant. Embarrassingly, whilst
there, I ran the Merc out of petrol in the place where they actually
grow the stuff. Really? It was awful, I felt an idiot. Never mind
that, can we just look at that picture of you at the end?
LAUGHTER. You do look like something out of
The Borrowers, to be brutally honest. But I have to say that Jeep
is incredible. Sadly, it was broken the day I was there, but it does
actually move. And I'd like to see that one day, but now it is time for
me to demonstrate that cars are better than motorbikes. Oh, no. Hang
on. Jeremy, we've only got a few minutes. Yes, yes, listen. Come over
here, because what we have here is a table laid for two, OK? And I'm
going to remove this tablecloth without knocking anything over.
Where are you going with Everybody, stand back behind me,
because Everybody, stand back behind me,
do this. Well... CHEERING.
Well, yeah. Oh, well done. That's really cleared that up for us(!)
Bikes are faster than a table! Or something. What's that got to do
with anything? It went rather well, better than I'd expected, if I'm
honest! Anyway, the thing is, BMW once did that trick with a much
larger table, as I shall now demonstrate with this bit of film.
CHEERING. Well, that is tremendous, it's
amazing. Well done, the motorbike. Yeah. But what I'm going to do now
is that exact same thing only with a car. You are aware, aren't you, that
a Superbike accelerates very fast? Yes, Hammond, from say 10-150, but
to do that you need the instant acceleration, it's 0-10 that
matters. That is a very good point because it's very difficult to get a
bike off the line. Right, I'll admit, it usually spins the wheel or
it flips over backwards. You see, cars don't flip over backwards, it's
one of the many reasons why they're better. And the car I've selected is
this one. A Datsun? A Nissan GT-R. No, I approve of your choice of car,
actually, I have to say. Yeah, cos May and I were playing with one of
these the other day and the way it sets off is simply unbelievable. I
mean, it really is, there's no car I've ever driven that goes from 0-10
faster. It's got four-wheel drive and an amazing launch control
system. So you put your foot hard down on the accelerator, hard on the
brake, take your foot off the brake, computer does everything and you set
off. OK, and this is the table, yeah? Yes, it is. So let's get this
straight. You are going to pull this tablecloth off this, what, 18ft
table? Yes. Using this Datsun? Listen... Without breaking anything?
Without knocking a single thing over. Really? Yes. The words "stand"
and "back" spring to mind. Ye of little faith. OK, I'm using the same
length of rope that BMW did. Same amount of slack that they did, we're
pulling from the same place that they did. Everything is... What?
Have you actually measured this out? A bit. You've got to go 18ft to get
the tablecloth off the table, plus the length of that bit off the
end... Yes. ..plus you got to account for the amount of rope and
you've got to stop before you hit the other side of the studio. No, I
haven't. You have. I haven't, because I'm not going to drive it.
He is. Ladies and gentlemen, The Stig has come among us.
CHEERING. Very rarely in the studio. Hold on a
minute. Very rarely... Hold on a minute. Yes, what? So you are saying
he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his
darkened visor? Yes. Is this how this Stig dies?
LAUGHTER. Has he done a book? No, he hasn't.
Right, is he ready? Are you ready? LAUGHTER. Everybody here ready?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh, God! We have no idea how it's
going to work out, but I have hope in my heart. In three, two, one, go!
APPLAUSE. JAMES LAUGHS. Well? That was mostly incredibly
successful. How, in what way? He didn't hit the wall, as we can see.
But everything else has hit the floor, it's smashed to bits! Yes,
but look! There's a whole cup and saucer, not damaged. It didn't work.
It didn't... It is most odd actually. Can we see a replay of
that, maybe work out what wrong. Oh, there's the problem.
What? He's doing it too slowly. No, that's in slow motion, you idiot.
Well, if he hadn't have done it in slow motion, it would have worked!
For crying out loud! But now look! It's a disaster. It's a bombshell.
And that means we can end. Yes. Mm. Thank you ever so much for watching,
we'll see you next week. Take care and good night.