1 00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:13,810 Tonight, Richard tests a van, 2 00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:17,290 I drive an old, brown Porsche, 3 00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:20,530 and James uses a telephone. 4 00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,580 Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome. 5 00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:35,490 Thank you so much, thank you, everybody, thank you. 6 00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:37,820 Now... Now... 7 00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:44,010 Ambulance response times have been in the news just recently. 8 00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,530 It seems that many ambulances aren't getting to 9 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:51,210 critically ill patients as fast as they should be. 10 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,010 And nobody seems to know why... 11 00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:55,810 except us. 12 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:59,530 You see, the National Health Service believes that this 13 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:02,010 is a fast-response vehicle, 14 00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:06,690 but it isn't even on nodding terms with the concept of fast. 15 00:01:06,740 --> 00:01:10,010 It started out in life as a van with a diesel engine, 16 00:01:10,060 --> 00:01:12,810 and then they added more weight. 17 00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:16,490 And that gave us an idea. 18 00:01:21,940 --> 00:01:24,450 Here's a traditional ambulance. 19 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:27,290 It's big and it's bulky 20 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:30,570 and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic. 21 00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:34,570 Plus, it's being driven by a chap who knows how to drain a lung, 22 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,290 but he doesn't know how to trail brake 23 00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:39,850 or execute a racing gear change. 24 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:43,290 Our ambulance, however, is really different. 25 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:50,290 Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency version of Top Gear's P45, 26 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:54,460 the smallest road-legal car ever made. 27 00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:58,860 That means it can fit through the tiniest gaps. 28 00:02:00,180 --> 00:02:03,650 And make its own lane in the jams. 29 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:07,090 And when it gets to the scene of an emergency, 30 00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:11,060 it can drive right up to the building and then go inside. 31 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:17,500 All of this saves time, and saving time saves lives. 32 00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:22,170 Of course, you're probably wondering how on earth the patient can 33 00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:25,970 now be transported to hospital in an ambulance as small as this. 34 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:30,130 Well, that is where our genius really comes into play because, 35 00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:33,610 well, here comes the Stig now with a patient who has been 36 00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:36,930 literally bored into a coma by one of the meetings they have in here. 37 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,970 Yes, and as you can see, he simply has to clip the stretcher 38 00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:42,530 on to the back of the P45 and he's ready to go. 39 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:46,570 ~ Yeah. ~ Sometimes I think our genius is tangible. 40 00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:49,650 ~ It's like... it's like it has a mass. ~ Yeah, it's like another presence. 41 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,210 It's still there when we've gone. 42 00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:54,050 Yeah. I mean, we've solved many things over the years, 43 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:57,130 but I think that is our finest hour, it really is. 44 00:02:57,180 --> 00:03:00,050 Yeah, I think it's up there with the best we've ever done. 45 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:01,980 ~ Oh! ~ Jeez! 46 00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:07,690 ~ Oh. ~ Oh. I think we need to call for an ambulance. 47 00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:10,330 ~ That's a good idea. ~ OK, I'll do it. 48 00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:13,120 ~ Do you know what the number is? ~ Nine... 49 00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:16,490 ~ Is it nine? ~ Oh, hello. ~ Excuse me. ~ Oh... 50 00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:18,010 Gentlemen. 51 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,090 "You idiots." 52 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:25,730 ~ Hmm. Fair point, this time. ~ Yeah. ~ "You've killed a man." 53 00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:28,970 ~ He wasn't going to make it anyway. ~ No, I don't think he was. 54 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:30,290 ~ He looked very peaky. ~ He did. 55 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,170 "It's all very well building a faster ambulance, 56 00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:36,330 "but it's no good if you have to tow the patient to hospital. 57 00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:40,250 "Now go back to the drawing board and, for once, do it properly." 58 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,170 ~ Right. ~ Mm-hm, OK. 59 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,010 So we've got to build something 60 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:46,290 that's faster than a normal ambulance. 61 00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,730 Yeah, but it's got to have room for the patient. 62 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:50,650 ~ Inside it. ~ Inside it. Yeah. 63 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:53,640 That's... that's where we went wrong there. 64 00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:57,330 Naturally, we couldn't agree on what vehicle 65 00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,610 we should use as a start point, 66 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:02,380 so each of us went our own way. 67 00:04:09,820 --> 00:04:12,020 Here is what I have chosen. 68 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:17,530 Yeah, it is a van, but it's a Chevy G20. 69 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:22,410 Under there, 5.7-litre small block Chevy V8. 70 00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:25,210 What I've got is a V8 ambulance, but there's more. 71 00:04:25,260 --> 00:04:26,930 That thing, £150,000. 72 00:04:26,980 --> 00:04:28,970 This? About £5,000. 73 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,610 I am saving the NHS a lot of money 74 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,850 that they can spend better on bandages and those... 75 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,290 paper bottles that you wee in? 76 00:04:37,340 --> 00:04:40,930 At this point, the orang-utan arrived. 77 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,620 Hello. 78 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,970 What? 79 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:50,170 ~ Well... ~ Porsche 944 Turbo. 80 00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:53,370 Yes, I know. It's not very ambulance-y, is it? 81 00:04:53,420 --> 00:04:54,970 What's wrong with it? 82 00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:58,170 This was actually designed as an ambulance by Porsche. 83 00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:00,930 ~ Was it? ~ It was. ~ In what way is it an ambulance? 84 00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:02,930 ~ Make that work for me. ~ Right, OK, fine. 85 00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:06,770 Full James May spec - brown, brown interior, brown carpet, 86 00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:08,210 brown dashboard - 87 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,930 so that if there's a trouser accident with the patient 88 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:12,530 you don't see it, 89 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,490 and the whole point is, we were told to get a fast ambulance, 90 00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:18,330 were we not? It's a 944 Turbo. 91 00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:21,530 Top speed 152mph. 92 00:05:21,580 --> 00:05:23,210 ~ And this is yours? ~ Oh, yeah. 93 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:26,130 ~ Top speed? ~ It's so big that they won't even tell you. 94 00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:28,450 ~ They don't even know what the top speed is. ~ Is it? 95 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,010 ~ There is no top speed. ~ Is it? Is it? ~ Yeah. Look at that. 96 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:33,730 ~ Ohh... ~ Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it? 97 00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:35,410 Electric seats. 98 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:39,090 Why is every single car you ever buy for one of these challenges 99 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:40,570 filled with ruched Dralon? 100 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:43,050 I don't know, just something that happens. I don't know.. 101 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,650 Now, I'm sorry, Hammond, mine is better than yours. 102 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,770 Look at the size of this boot! 103 00:05:47,820 --> 00:05:51,610 'To demonstrate its enormity, I made Hammond climb into it.' 104 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:54,330 ~ It's not brilliant. ~ Tell me I've done this wrong. 105 00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:57,090 ~ Yeah. ~ Tell me I've done this wrong. 106 00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:59,090 ~ Um, one thing. ~ What? 107 00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:01,330 ~ It is quite incredibly hot in here. ~ Is it? 108 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:04,930 I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite quickly beginning to cook. 109 00:06:04,980 --> 00:06:06,730 'As Hammond simmered to death...' 110 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,370 Oh, look! 111 00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:10,560 '..an undertaker arrived.' 112 00:06:11,460 --> 00:06:13,570 ~ Um... ~ Oh, sorry. 113 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:15,490 ~ Gentlemen. ~ Oh, God! 114 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:20,300 Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal. 115 00:06:22,620 --> 00:06:24,890 So, what's really interesting about this car 116 00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:26,850 is what's going on under here. 117 00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:33,970 This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam, 24-valve V6 developed by Cosworth 118 00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:37,130 and giving 207 horsepower. 119 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:39,770 ~ And... and it has traction control. ~ Yes... 120 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:42,370 And... it has a sport button. 121 00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:45,370 All very interesting, James. You did very good indeed. 122 00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:47,810 ~ But there's a bit of an elephant in the room. ~ Yes, I knew you 123 00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,490 were going to say that. It's not Ford's finest styling, I know, 124 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:53,010 but that hardly matters if you've just fallen off a ladder! 125 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:55,450 That's not the elephant we're talking about. 126 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,930 ~ The elephant's a little further back. ~ It's a hearse! 127 00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:00,930 ~ It is a hearse, James. ~ It's what you put dead people in! 128 00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:02,410 Well, look at it this way. 129 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:06,010 If you lose the patient, which does happen, you've still got a job. 130 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:09,450 But look at the plus sides - it's very fast, it's very smooth... 131 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:12,450 ~ Is it? ~ Yes, it is. It's very refined. It's the right shape 132 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,730 for patients already. 133 00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:17,210 This is a type of car that has actually been misused for years. 134 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:19,730 Tell you what it would make - brilliant camper van. 135 00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:22,130 Yeah, yeah, good ice-cream van as well. 136 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,650 Or burger van, anything like that, anything van-like. 137 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,130 Yes, yes, but not an ambulance. 138 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:29,570 'My protests were then halted by the arrival of a challenge.' 139 00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:31,610 ~ Ah. ~ Go on, then. 140 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,450 "You will now do a drag race 141 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,770 "with your ambulances against the NHS equivalent." 142 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:40,810 Must be that. "Many points will be awarded to the winner." 143 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:43,890 ~ Well... ~ Well, I'm the winner. ~ Well... ~ Well, I... 144 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,050 No, you parked next to... That's a Chevy engine, 145 00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:48,890 that's a Corvette engine in there, basically, as I have said. 146 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,450 ~ Shall we just do it and see? ~ Yes. ~ That's the sort of point. 147 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:56,490 'Moments later, we took our places on the start line.' 148 00:07:56,540 --> 00:08:00,090 Sport, traction control off, 149 00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:03,930 remain dignified, drive, I'm ready. 150 00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:06,850 Prepare to be surprised. 151 00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:13,730 When this car was new, it produced 217 horsepower, but today I'm not 152 00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:18,410 so sure because when I opened the turbo yesterday, I found this in it. 153 00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:25,410 Bits of what could be gravel or broken ceramic. I don't know. 154 00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:29,460 I just know it has no place in a piece of hi-tech equipment. 155 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:35,020 That's all it's got. I'll just leave it open. 156 00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:40,850 Weirdest ambulance race in history is about to begin. 157 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:44,090 Three, two, one! 158 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,490 Oh, I'm going to win! I'm getting ahead. 159 00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:53,130 My mirror's dropping out. 160 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:54,890 Eat my dust, Chevrolet! 161 00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:57,100 Oh, my God, no! 162 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,780 The hearse is mighty. 163 00:09:05,140 --> 00:09:07,650 Look at it go! 100! 164 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,610 But it seems, yes... 165 00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:11,690 Oh, no! 166 00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:15,020 ..the Porsche is mightier than the hearse. 167 00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:21,980 And across the line at 120mph! 168 00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:27,810 The A-Team had one of these! 169 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:31,460 Hammond, my commiserations on your unfortunate loss. 170 00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:34,170 Thank you. 171 00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,050 'The fact is, though, 172 00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:40,050 'that all our vehicles were faster than the National Health Service, 173 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,890 'and having proved that, 174 00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:46,300 'we were told to go off and make them a bit more ambulance-y.' 175 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,860 Thank you very much. 176 00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:53,850 Thank you very much. 177 00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:59,490 Now, we're going to pick that up... We'll pick that up later on, 178 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:02,810 but just before we move on and do the news, can I just say, 179 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:06,290 if you're standing in a field with a severed arm, 180 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:08,970 you don't want the NHS to arrive in a diesel van. 181 00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:11,410 You don't want someone coming in a hearse. 182 00:10:11,460 --> 00:10:12,890 It's a Cosworth hearse. 183 00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:16,370 I don't care if it's a Bugatti hearse, it's still a hearse. 184 00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:19,490 And what it says to the patient is, "You're not going to make it." 185 00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:21,450 It does, James. It does. 186 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,410 But the point I'm trying to make is this, OK, not only are you 187 00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:27,850 bothered about what car they come in, but also the driver. 188 00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:30,410 You don't want to be rescued by Josh out of Casualty. 189 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,010 You want Lewis Hamilton. 190 00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,970 ~ Now, that is a good point, actually. ~ Yes, it is. 191 00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:38,770 It is because, if you think about it, racing drivers are like actors. 192 00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:41,450 At any given moment, 97% of them are out of work. 193 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,770 So why doesn't the NHS take them on? 194 00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:45,690 They could be doing something useful. 195 00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:47,850 And what's Nigel Mansell doing these days? 196 00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,410 Cos he'd be a brilliant ambulance driver, 197 00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:53,250 ~ wouldn't he? ~ He would. ~ With his comforting Brummie accent 198 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:56,050 and his reassuring moustache in the front of the ambulance. 199 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,970 ~ I'd love to know he was there. ~ Anyway, we must now do the news. 200 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:00,570 And, uh, oh, yes, 201 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:03,330 we've had a number of complaints about last week's show. 202 00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:06,130 People said it was cruel to blow up a cow. 203 00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:10,250 Well, I want to make it absolutely plain right now - 204 00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:14,170 no cow was hurt in the making of that film. 205 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,530 ~ Its death was instantaneous. ~ Yeah. 206 00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:19,490 ~ Wouldn't have felt a thing. ~ Immediate, it wouldn't have known. 207 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:24,370 ~ Right, next. ~ Yes, I have news, very exciting news. It is a new Ferrari. 208 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:27,610 ~ There is a picture of it here. That... ~ Holy Moley! 209 00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,530 ~ Wow. ~ Yes indeed. 210 00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,730 That is the 488 GTB. 211 00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:35,570 It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8, 212 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:39,490 661 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds. Look at it. 213 00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:42,770 Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the replacement, isn't it, for the 458? 214 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:45,410 ~ Yes, it is. ~ I'm just thinking, if you had a 458, 215 00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,250 you'd be feeling suicidal now, 216 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,170 ~ wouldn't you? ~ Yeah, you would. Yeah. ~ That's prettier, 217 00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:54,370 faster, it's turbo-charged, it does 25 miles to the gallon. 218 00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:57,290 50% more downforce than the 458. 219 00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:00,490 ~ Yeah. ~ Yeah, yeah. ~ James? ~ Yes, Richard? 220 00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:05,330 ~ Haven't you got a 458? ~ Oh, I completely forgot. ~ Yes, I have. 221 00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,250 It's worthless now, 222 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:09,450 literally worthless, now they've done that. 223 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:13,210 You might just want to give it away to a member of the audience here. 224 00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:15,290 Yeah! 225 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,690 ~ It's worthless. ~ I think we should maybe put it... 226 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,610 Let's open it to all the viewers. 227 00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:23,090 If you'd like James's Ferrari write to us at James May, 228 00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:26,330 I'll Take That Ferrari Off Your Hands If I Must, 229 00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:29,450 BBC, London... wherever we are. 230 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:34,010 ~ You know, people are actually going to write in now. ~ Yes. 231 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:36,330 And we're actually going to give it away. 232 00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,210 Yeah, we are. We're committed now. 233 00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:40,090 That is a thing of extraordinary beauty. 234 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,410 But I have to say this - McLaren quick to respond, 235 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,490 they also have announced a new car. 236 00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,050 Can't remember what it's called, it doesn't matter. 237 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,970 They sent us a picture of it. Here it is. 238 00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:53,730 I'm not actually joking. They genuinely sent that going, 239 00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:56,250 ~ "We've got a new car." ~ It's not actually a car, is it? 240 00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,850 ~ Not really, no. ~ It's not finished. 241 00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,810 I think I prefer the Ferrari. 242 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:03,450 Now, I want to talk about immigration, 243 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,330 and as I said that, the entire BBC management team 244 00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:10,490 sat bolt upright in their sitting rooms and went, 245 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,690 "Oh, no, where's he going with this?" 246 00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:14,410 Well, relax, LADIES, 247 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,530 don't choke on your tofu. 248 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,730 All I want to say is, if you are an immigrant, 249 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:24,050 you've just arrived in Britain, welcome. 250 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,450 Make yourselves at home. We hope you're very happy here. 251 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:29,250 Yeah, absolutely, we mean this. Thank you for coming here, 252 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:31,850 thank you for working hard, thank you for paying taxes, 253 00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:33,410 thank you for cleaning my car. 254 00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:37,370 And we're off the air. That's the end of that. It's been great. 255 00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:40,930 No, the man who runs the car valeting place near me 256 00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:43,290 has recently arrived from Albania and he's brilliant. 257 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:45,970 No-one else is going to do it. He is superb, that's what I meant, 258 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,650 ~ thank you very much. ~ Fair enough. Well done, James. 259 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,410 What I wanted to say is, 260 00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:53,410 I've noticed this, driving around in Britain, OK, I've noticed 261 00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:56,290 a lot of the new boys, people who've just arrived in Britain, 262 00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:58,730 have to understand how you use the motorways here - 263 00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:02,090 that the right-hand lane, the outside lane, is for overtaking - 264 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,610 and then when you've completed your overtaking, 265 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:07,530 you then move back into the two inside lanes again. 266 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,970 I'm just passing that on as a piece of information. 267 00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,970 Cos that's how it works here, exactly. 268 00:14:12,020 --> 00:14:14,450 ~ Think of that right-hand lane as the lavatory. ~ Yeah. 269 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,610 You go in, do what you've got to do, and then you come out again. 270 00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:19,730 You don't stay in there all day. 271 00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:22,650 Unless you're James May, then I don't know what you're doing. 272 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,530 But, actually, seriously, you can't blame people 273 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:27,090 for not necessarily knowing that. 274 00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:29,090 If you move to a completely different country, 275 00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:31,850 there's a lot of stuff that you don't know that you have to learn. 276 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:35,170 Exactly. We travel an awful lot, as I'm sure you know. 277 00:14:35,220 --> 00:14:38,290 I mean, in India, for example, if you're behind a lorry 278 00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:42,130 and it indicates right, that means, "I have seen you in my mirrors, 279 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:45,170 "do please feel free to overtake," 280 00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:47,610 OR it means, "I'm turning right." 281 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:48,850 Yeah, it does. 282 00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:51,770 And if only there'd been a motoring show that would've told us 283 00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,730 when we got there that that's what it means. 284 00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:55,610 ~ It's a valuable service. ~ Yeah, exactly. 285 00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:59,290 Because in Burma, for example, if you turn your headlights off, 286 00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:01,690 ~ that means it's night-time. ~ Mmm. 287 00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,970 There's lots and lots of different little nuances 288 00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,450 when you're driving on the road. 289 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:09,090 There's another one in Britain, for people who've just got here. 290 00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:11,850 If you're stopped by the police for any reason, 291 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,730 it's traditional in Britain 292 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:17,570 ~ to cup the officer's face and kiss him lightly. ~ Yeah, yeah. 293 00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:20,570 And, quite often, you'll find he'll give you a traditional 294 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,570 little friendly punch in the face. 295 00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:25,810 And maybe a jovial little tase along with it. It's just... 296 00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:30,290 I think what we're trying to say is, get out of the outside lane! 297 00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:34,770 Oh, now! There's a new special edition of the Range Rover Evoque, 298 00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:37,890 ~ it's called the NW8. ~ NW8? ~ Yes. There it is. 299 00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:40,530 They've named it after a London postcode? 300 00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:43,570 Yeah, next up probably will be the E17. 301 00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:46,930 A car that runs over its own driver. 302 00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:55,290 ~ What's the matter now? ~ I don't get that. 303 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:58,210 ~ East 17... ~ It's a postcode. Why would a postcode... 304 00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:02,010 ~ How could a postcode... ~ East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey? 305 00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:04,660 ~ Is he a driver? ~ No, Hammond, look... 306 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:08,210 Hammond... Basically, the only band he knows is the Wurzels. 307 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,650 That's the problem. Now, I want to talk about stopping distances, 308 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:14,250 we touched on this when we were in Australia last week. 309 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:18,090 You see, the Government says we have to be limited to 70mph 310 00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:23,050 on the motorway because the stopping distance from 70 is 315 feet, 311 00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,810 which they say that's an acceptable stopping distance 312 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,370 so therefore you can't go any faster than 70. 313 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,610 Exactly. But we know that it isn't 315, don't we, 314 00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:33,010 because we demonstrated this in Australia last week. 315 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:35,050 Well, from 60, yes. But we made the point. 316 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,130 So what we were wondering is, how fast do you actually 317 00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:42,050 have to be going before you need 315 feet to stop? 318 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,650 Mmm. So we actually decided, this morning in fact, 319 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,050 to do an experiment. 320 00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,690 We've got footage of it here. 321 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:52,250 It's the Stig driving along in a diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia. 322 00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,930 And he's building up speed to brake point now, full braking 323 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:57,610 and that's the Stig doing it. 324 00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:00,770 And there we are, 315 feet exactly. 325 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,250 Anyone want to guess how fast he was going 326 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,010 when he pressed the brake pedal? 327 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:07,490 100mph? 328 00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:10,850 130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel? 329 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,250 No. Try to be realistic. 330 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:17,450 110? actually he was doing 112mph. 331 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,890 So if the Government says that the speed limit is 332 00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,930 determined by stopping distance, 333 00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:25,210 then we should be allowed to drive at 112mph. 334 00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:28,200 ~ Perfectly logical. ~ You can't argue with it. 335 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,410 It's logic. 336 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,290 Right, OK. Now it's time to get back to our ambulance film. 337 00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:37,890 So far, we've established that my car, his van 338 00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:40,490 and his hearse are faster than the NHS equivalent, 339 00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:43,370 and now we pick up the action after we've converted them 340 00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:45,420 into actual ambulances. 341 00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:52,570 We reconvened once more at our track, 342 00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:55,340 and James was the first to arrive. 343 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:04,090 Hello, viewers, and as you would expect, I have done it properly. 344 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:05,970 This is no longer a hearse, 345 00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:09,620 it is the future of club class recovery transport. 346 00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:12,930 I've based it all on business jet travel. 347 00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:15,890 It goes fast and makes you feel better. 348 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:18,930 Choice of pillows, television to show your journey. 349 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,490 A lovely view to the top. A lovely view out of the windows. 350 00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,010 What could be wrong with it? It is the perfect ambulance. 351 00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:27,170 I don't know why nobody's thought of it before, to be brutally honest. 352 00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:29,650 ~ James May! ~ Oh, crikey. 353 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:35,410 Prepare to be blown away by the turbulence of my magnificence! 354 00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:37,250 Behold, look what I have done! 355 00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,690 I'm prepared to bask in the fetid belch of his incompetence, 356 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:43,080 but, anyway, let's see. Hello. 357 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:49,460 The challenge, as you know, was to build a fast ambulance. 358 00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:54,770 ~ I've added 300 horsepower... ~ Have you? ~ .. with the paint job. 359 00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:57,570 ~ Right. ~ You'll notice... 360 00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:00,330 ~ hydraulic handbrake. ~ Hydraulic handbrake? 361 00:19:00,380 --> 00:19:03,090 ~ Hydraulic handbrake. ~ You often hear ambulance drivers saying, 362 00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:05,130 "If only I'd had a hydraulic handbrake." 363 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:08,050 You've never heard them say that cos they've never thought of it. 364 00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,490 ~ OK. ~ Telephone number. 365 00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:12,170 Yes, telephone number. That works everywhere, doesn't it? 366 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,850 ~ That's good, I can see the performance. ~ Yes. Yes. 367 00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,410 ~ That? ~ This? ~ Yeah. ~ This? ~ Yeah. 368 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,770 This is genius. No other word for it. 369 00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:23,290 'But before I could explain, Hammond arrived.' 370 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,370 Oh, my God. 371 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:29,020 Oh, yeah. 372 00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,450 Ambulance. 373 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:35,970 It doesn't say... 374 00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:40,970 No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear waste disposal", not "ambulance". 375 00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:43,650 No, what it says is, "Get out of the way!" 376 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,570 Because you would. You see that, you're not going to just sit there 377 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,130 dithering, "Oh, I might, I might not." You're going to run. 378 00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:51,970 ~ What's this? ~ Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance, 379 00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:54,490 and you saw this, and green gas started coming out, 380 00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:57,810 ~ you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more. ~ So, you're scaring people 381 00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:00,530 out of the way of your high-performance ambulance? 382 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,570 ~ Yes! ~ Ah, but it isn't high performance. ~ No. 383 00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:05,290 ~ That's what I'm about to say. ~ Uh, uh, uh! ~ Is it any faster? 384 00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:08,170 Yes, I have addressed the issue of speed very cleverly. 385 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,610 What I've fitted... 386 00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:13,530 If you look over there - nitrous! 387 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,490 Because it has two purposes. 388 00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:17,970 It's what they use as laughing gas in hospitals, isn't it? 389 00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:20,530 ~ Yes. ~ So, if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better, 390 00:20:20,580 --> 00:20:22,090 I switch that to "patient". 391 00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:25,090 If I want to go a bit faster, I switch that to "engine" 392 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:28,570 and it diverts the nitrous into the engine, another several hundred BHP. 393 00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:31,610 ~ Of course! ~ Yes! ~ Nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use 394 00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:34,660 ~ to go faster and that they use... ~ Yeah, yeah. 395 00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:39,930 'James then demonstrated the motorised loading bay 396 00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,580 'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.' 397 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,530 ~ Oh, the speed, the speed! ~ I'm bleed.... 398 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,450 ~ It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out. ~ We're bleeding to death! 399 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,850 It's slowing now, it's not bleeding as quickly. 400 00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:55,290 It's barely dribbling out now! 401 00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,970 It's a good job you've got a Cosworth engine, James, 402 00:20:58,020 --> 00:21:01,090 ~ because you've got a lot of time to make up. ~ Can we have a look inside? 403 00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:04,210 ~ Of course you can. ~ Oh, look it... 404 00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:08,890 ~ You've broken it. ~ It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man. 405 00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:13,340 'I then demonstrated my much faster patient-loading solution.' 406 00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:19,690 ~ Oh, I say! ~ Wheels deployed. 407 00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:22,530 Wheels deployed there, wheels deploy there. 408 00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:25,610 Ouch! Annoyingly, that's actually quite clever. 409 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:28,530 ~ This is a split folding... It's like a Range Rover Porsche. ~ Exactly! 410 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:31,770 Don't sit it on it, you've already broken one tailgate today. 411 00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:35,120 'And my brilliant engineering didn't stop there.' 412 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:38,770 I'm driving down a narrow street, 413 00:21:38,820 --> 00:21:42,320 parked cars are on either side, I can't get through. 414 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:45,220 ~ Clear! ~ What?! 415 00:21:49,220 --> 00:21:52,810 ~ What? ~ It's a ram-bulance! 416 00:21:52,860 --> 00:21:56,610 ~ Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough. ~ My God, this is... 417 00:21:56,660 --> 00:21:58,890 ~ Sheet steel, ten mil. ~ OK. 418 00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:04,210 ~ Heavy? ~ Very. ~ Hmm. ~ That's why it folds back. 419 00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:07,370 ~ Oh, what, cos it's lighter when it's folded back? ~ No, no, no, no, b... 420 00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,370 ~ Do you know nothing about weight distribution? ~ 50-50 distribution. 421 00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:12,050 ~ It's still weight! ~ It's 50-50... 422 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:16,090 'As we discussed my handiwork, a challenge arrived.' 423 00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:21,610 "The Stig will now drive each of your cars around the track, 424 00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:26,730 "which, to make it more real, has been fitted with three speed humps. 425 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,890 "You will be in the back with a patient 426 00:22:28,940 --> 00:22:32,650 "and, in the course of one lap, you will put his intestines back in, 427 00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:35,130 "insert a drip, and fit a catheter. 428 00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:36,890 "Points will be awarded for speed 429 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,410 "and how much of the medical work you complete successfully." 430 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,730 What? Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap? 431 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:46,530 ~ Yes! ~ Up it? ~ Yes. ~ Not on it? ~ No. 432 00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:53,610 'Hammond elected to go first and, once his patient had been loaded, 433 00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:57,450 'a rather bemused Stig took his place at the wheel.' 434 00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,810 ~ Oh, he's not in a good way at all. ~ He?! 435 00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:02,370 ~ It's a girl. ~ Oh, yeah. ~ Oh, no, or is it, though? 436 00:23:02,420 --> 00:23:05,250 It's a girl from where I am. Just have a look under there. 437 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,450 ~ Is that just a bit of...? ~ Agh! 438 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,890 ~ There's a thing! ~ It's a ladyboy! 439 00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:11,770 Anyway, it's a medical emergency. 440 00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:15,120 Get out of the way, I've got to get on with this. 441 00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:19,610 In three, two, one... 442 00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:21,490 Go! 443 00:23:21,540 --> 00:23:25,900 Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh! The wheels were a mistake! 444 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:31,610 I'm really sorry, mate, just try and put your guts back in the... 445 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,650 Oh... er... Agh! 446 00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:39,970 Airway - that's a priority! That goes in here. 447 00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:42,210 Agh! Now he's being sick on me! 448 00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,200 I'm covered in... Agh! 449 00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:49,650 Stop vomiting, you idiot! 450 00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:52,090 Agh! Oh! 451 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:55,890 This is the willy bit. You probably can't see this on television. 452 00:23:55,940 --> 00:23:58,210 This has to go in the end. 453 00:23:58,260 --> 00:24:00,860 Ah! Now I'm covered in wee! 454 00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,370 Agh, agh, ah! 455 00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:05,610 Oof! 456 00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:07,290 Speed... 457 00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:08,900 Ah! Agh! 458 00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,730 ~ That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond. ~ I would've thought so. 459 00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:19,920 How do I get the blood out of the bag? 460 00:24:22,380 --> 00:24:24,890 ~ I'm tempted to move back. ~ Do you know? I agree. 461 00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:26,130 ~ Yeah. ~ Cos it is Das Stig! 462 00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:27,570 Agh! 463 00:24:27,620 --> 00:24:28,850 Stig! 464 00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:30,690 Whoa! 465 00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:32,290 There he is. 466 00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:34,570 Across the line! 467 00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:37,490 'The 2 minutes 17 lap had taken its toll 468 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:41,050 'on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.' 469 00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:45,010 Holy Moley! Look at the state of him. What's that? 470 00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:48,010 ~ Being an ambulance man is a tough job. ~ What is that?! 471 00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:50,860 ~ It's...it's wee. ~ Is it yours? ~ No. 472 00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:55,450 'Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.' 473 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:58,170 Three, two, one, go! 474 00:25:03,060 --> 00:25:06,370 ~ Should I start the stopwatch now? ~ Well, I mean, this is part of the... 475 00:25:06,420 --> 00:25:08,420 Well, it's taking time. 476 00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:13,330 ~ Is his seat fastened down? ~ Yeah. 477 00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:16,580 What he's done is take a length of one of those stairlifts. 478 00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:26,450 I think you may have overdone it slightly 479 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,170 on closing the tailgate, Stig. 480 00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,050 You get in and we'll fasten you in. 481 00:25:30,100 --> 00:25:32,250 Your lap time is going to be shocking, frankly. 482 00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:34,690 ~ You haven't started the stopwatch? ~ Yeah. ~ Course we have! 483 00:25:34,740 --> 00:25:39,410 ~ I haven't set off yet! ~ You DID set off! ~ Well, it's your call, isn't it? 484 00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:40,770 Hurry up! 485 00:25:40,820 --> 00:25:41,960 Go! 486 00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:45,570 ~ He's gone! ~ He's gone now. 487 00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:48,850 ~ 9 minutes 30 to get to there. ~ 9.30! ~ That's not brilliant. 488 00:25:48,900 --> 00:25:52,650 Can you hear me, man, woman? No? Right, breathing? Possibly not. 489 00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:54,170 Putting... 490 00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:58,460 'The hearse-bulance coped brilliantly with the corners.' 491 00:25:59,540 --> 00:26:01,210 That's his guts back in. 492 00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:03,800 'But less well on the speed humps.' 493 00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,700 Ow! 494 00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:12,900 Keep going! 495 00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,210 He's going to make it! 496 00:26:17,260 --> 00:26:19,420 Here he comes. 497 00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:24,690 ~ Hammond, run for your life! ~ I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance! 498 00:26:24,740 --> 00:26:26,480 Across the line! 499 00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,410 'James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.' 500 00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:34,090 ~ 12 minutes and 28 seconds! ~ Oh, get lost! ~ It was! ~ It was. 501 00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:37,090 It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history. 502 00:26:37,140 --> 00:26:39,570 'Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche. 503 00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:41,610 'And immediately, there was a problem.' 504 00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,020 Ah! 505 00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:46,570 ~ Good. ~ He's kicked the patient. 506 00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:49,490 Um... 507 00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:50,850 Shut up! 508 00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:54,210 'Eventually, though, the ape was in position.' 509 00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:55,860 Begin! 510 00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:01,130 Is he focusing on getting the drip in? 511 00:27:01,180 --> 00:27:03,250 Or is he focusing on...? 512 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:08,410 ♪ Trust in me, trust in me... ♪ 513 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,010 Oh...! 514 00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:12,660 Holy mother of God! 515 00:27:17,780 --> 00:27:20,260 Ow! It hurts so much! 516 00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,370 You maniac! 517 00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:29,140 Ow! Stupid man! 518 00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:33,730 Oh, God, what happens when I go over a speed bump?! 519 00:27:33,780 --> 00:27:35,690 I don't like this! 520 00:27:37,940 --> 00:27:39,740 Ooh...! 521 00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:45,050 Here he comes. 522 00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:48,060 I'm in a scene from Carrie! 523 00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:51,820 I want Josh back from Casualty! 524 00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:54,020 God! 525 00:27:56,620 --> 00:27:58,650 And across the line! 526 00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:00,170 Oh?! 527 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,090 Oh, dear! 528 00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:05,810 'And then, to complete my humiliation...' 529 00:28:05,860 --> 00:28:07,890 2... 24. 530 00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:11,250 ~ Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...? ~ Yeah! 531 00:28:11,300 --> 00:28:14,490 ~ You were 2.12 or something, weren't you? ~ Yep. 532 00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:17,250 ~ Did he slow down at all for the speed humps? ~ Nope. 533 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,690 That's why we got air. 534 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:24,130 ~ Right, that's my drawback. ~ Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche! 535 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:26,650 You can't hit the sp... It hasn't got the clearance! 536 00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:30,650 ~ He ripped his bumper off. ~ Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year 537 00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:33,210 are killed in the back of ambulances by speed humps. 538 00:28:33,260 --> 00:28:36,490 ~ What you're doing is making that up. ~ Yes, but making a point as well. 539 00:28:36,540 --> 00:28:39,330 ~ I'm making it up to make a point. ~ If it's one or more, it's an issue. 540 00:28:39,380 --> 00:28:41,650 ~ Agreed! ~ Go over it too fast, patient dies. ~ Yeah? 541 00:28:41,700 --> 00:28:43,210 Slow down to make it comfortable, 542 00:28:43,260 --> 00:28:46,010 patient dies cos they don't reach the hospital in time. 543 00:28:46,060 --> 00:28:49,490 Until this Government gets rid of every single speed hump, 544 00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:51,660 we're all going to die. 545 00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:56,170 'For our next test, we had to see which of our cars 546 00:28:56,220 --> 00:28:59,410 'had the fastest patient off-loading system.' 547 00:28:59,460 --> 00:29:04,650 As I approach the A & E department, I open the boot using electricity. 548 00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:09,090 I then apply the handbrake, hydraulic, the car swings round, 549 00:29:09,140 --> 00:29:13,810 centrifugal force causes the patient to leave the car, the ambulance, 550 00:29:13,860 --> 00:29:18,650 on his stretcher, the wheels deploy, and he rolls into the hospital. 551 00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:21,250 I am then pointing in the right direction 552 00:29:21,300 --> 00:29:24,060 to go back out and get another patient. 553 00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:28,250 Somewhere, there's a world in which that will work. 554 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:33,340 Ram-bulance 1 coming in hot. Delivery system engaged! 555 00:29:34,380 --> 00:29:36,180 Behold my genius. 556 00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:44,810 ~ Not an enormous success. ~ No, I could see where the thinking was going... 557 00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:47,570 ~ Yeah. ~ .. but the legs didn't deploy and the patient's dead. 558 00:29:47,620 --> 00:29:51,810 ~ Goal-line technology, that is in. ~ I'm going to give it a no, 559 00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:55,890 ~ on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital. ~ He is! ~ He's not! ~ He is! 560 00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:57,850 ~ The hos... ~ Even his foot's not in, he's not in. 561 00:29:57,900 --> 00:30:00,730 Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh, that poor man's in hospital." 562 00:30:00,780 --> 00:30:04,210 They'll say, "That poor man's been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital." 563 00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:06,130 'It was then my turn.' 564 00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:07,850 Swing it round. 565 00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:09,970 What is he doing?! 566 00:30:10,020 --> 00:30:12,410 Similar sort of system, only I'm using a cannon. 567 00:30:12,460 --> 00:30:14,660 And, er, ready? Good, fire! 568 00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:19,880 Pretty quick, I think you'll agree. 569 00:30:21,020 --> 00:30:24,930 ~ What? ~ What the hell was that?! ~ I'm not entirely certain 570 00:30:24,980 --> 00:30:28,170 ~ you've delivered the patient to the hospital. ~ Well, I have! 571 00:30:28,220 --> 00:30:32,010 Or that the patient is still... What's the word I'm looking for? 572 00:30:32,060 --> 00:30:34,940 ~ .. alive! ~ That's the one. ~ Ooh! Oh, dear! 573 00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:37,690 It was an air cannon. 574 00:30:37,740 --> 00:30:40,410 Oh, and the door didn't open properly. 575 00:30:40,460 --> 00:30:43,210 'Given how low the bar had been set...' 576 00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:44,650 I think it was a good idea. 577 00:30:44,700 --> 00:30:47,440 '.. I was confident that I'd win this.' 578 00:30:49,620 --> 00:30:53,210 ~ James, what exactly are we looking at? ~ This is a robot lawnmower. 579 00:30:53,260 --> 00:30:55,290 ~ Is it? ~ I've laid out pieces of string. 580 00:30:55,340 --> 00:31:00,610 It knows where those are, so it mows only inside this big rectangle. 581 00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:04,010 So then I thought, you know the really big farm lawnmowers? 582 00:31:04,060 --> 00:31:08,170 ~ You mean combines? ~ Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav. 583 00:31:08,220 --> 00:31:11,490 The satnav knows where it is, and that's the technology I've used. 584 00:31:11,540 --> 00:31:16,460 'We watched eagerly as James lined up to demonstrate his invention.' 585 00:31:17,780 --> 00:31:20,260 Oh, God! 586 00:31:37,180 --> 00:31:38,250 Right. 587 00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:41,610 Now all I do is, using my special programmer, I have the coordinates 588 00:31:41,660 --> 00:31:44,690 for the operating theatre at this hospital already entered. 589 00:31:47,220 --> 00:31:48,700 Now watch. 590 00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:55,770 ~ Stand clear. ~ What? So you uploaded 591 00:31:55,820 --> 00:32:00,490 the schematics to your PDA of the hospital, like Jack Bauer? 592 00:32:00,540 --> 00:32:02,650 What does that mean? 593 00:32:02,700 --> 00:32:04,730 Arrived at the operating theatre. 594 00:32:04,780 --> 00:32:06,250 ~ Does it? ~ Yes. 595 00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:10,170 ~ In some ways, I'm very impressed with what he's done. ~ Yeah. 596 00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:14,210 But in one colossal way... 597 00:32:14,260 --> 00:32:17,450 .. I'm not sure that it's worked at all. 598 00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:20,370 I know what that way is, and I think you're right. 599 00:32:20,420 --> 00:32:23,170 It is a disadvantage of the system. It's a problem. 600 00:32:23,220 --> 00:32:25,410 James, would you like to know what the massive... 601 00:32:25,460 --> 00:32:29,160 ~ What? ~ If you insist there's something wrong with it... 602 00:32:30,060 --> 00:32:33,770 Yeah. Maybe your patient changed his mind(!) 603 00:32:38,580 --> 00:32:41,570 Thank you so much, everybody. Now, we'll pick that up... 604 00:32:41,620 --> 00:32:43,130 We'll pick that up later on. 605 00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:47,650 Uh, but now, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. 606 00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:51,810 My guest tonight is a Formula One driver who is always smiling. 607 00:32:51,860 --> 00:32:54,650 But he says that, behind the cuddly exterior, 608 00:32:54,700 --> 00:32:57,010 he's actually a bit of a honey badger. 609 00:32:57,060 --> 00:32:58,410 A ferocious animal 610 00:32:58,460 --> 00:33:00,930 that fights its opponents by going for their... 611 00:33:00,980 --> 00:33:02,530 crotch areas. 612 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:04,890 Er... so, ladies and gentlemen, 613 00:33:04,940 --> 00:33:09,450 please put your hands over your genitals for Daniel Ricciardo! 614 00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:12,610 Hey! 615 00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:17,340 ~ G'day. ~ How are you? ~ I'm all right. 616 00:33:18,820 --> 00:33:20,970 Yes! 617 00:33:21,020 --> 00:33:23,760 People love it when an F1 driver comes. 618 00:33:25,180 --> 00:33:28,570 It was weird, we were in Australia last week in the Northern Territory, 619 00:33:28,620 --> 00:33:31,610 saw no Australians at all, and now there's one here! 620 00:33:31,660 --> 00:33:34,130 ~ Yeah, I know. ~ But then, you're ALL over here, actually, 621 00:33:34,180 --> 00:33:35,650 if we're honest, aren't you? 622 00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:37,690 Well, not by choice. 623 00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:44,410 I can feel the warmth you're generating now(!) 624 00:33:44,460 --> 00:33:46,610 No, um, what I wanted to do is, 625 00:33:46,660 --> 00:33:50,290 obviously, when you started at Red Bull last year, did you think, 626 00:33:50,340 --> 00:33:51,690 and I know a lot of people did, 627 00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:54,410 that you'd be the cheerful Aussie playing second fiddle 628 00:33:54,460 --> 00:33:56,970 to the four-times world champion Sebastian Vettel? 629 00:33:57,020 --> 00:33:58,370 ~ No. ~ You didn't? 630 00:33:58,420 --> 00:34:02,170 So you actually thought, from the get-go, "I'm going to have him"? 631 00:34:02,220 --> 00:34:05,450 I believed I'd have him. But, er... yeah. 632 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:08,290 Until I got on track, and had everything like for like, 633 00:34:08,340 --> 00:34:10,970 I wasn't obviously sure how it would go, but coming into it, 634 00:34:11,020 --> 00:34:14,490 I didn't expect to be, you know, the guy following him every weekend. 635 00:34:14,540 --> 00:34:17,250 You know, I obviously came in with some self belief 636 00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:21,530 and then I think that sort of showed and then confidence grew after that. 637 00:34:21,580 --> 00:34:25,170 There were 19 races last year and you beat him in how many? 638 00:34:25,220 --> 00:34:26,850 ~ I don't know, er... ~ I do. 639 00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:28,730 How many was it? 640 00:34:28,780 --> 00:34:32,370 ~ 14 of them. ~ 14? ~ Don't pretend you didn't know! 641 00:34:32,420 --> 00:34:34,730 No, I-I didn't really, actually. 642 00:34:34,780 --> 00:34:37,210 I knew it was more, like I knew I had more than him. 643 00:34:37,260 --> 00:34:38,970 You out-qualified him in... 644 00:34:39,020 --> 00:34:41,970 ~ You going to pretend you don't know that as well? ~ Wait, this one's... 645 00:34:42,020 --> 00:34:43,530 12-7? 646 00:34:43,580 --> 00:34:47,410 ~ 11-8! ~ 11-8. ~ But you really... you're not keeping that in your head? 647 00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:51,530 I would be! I'd ring him up every morning and go, "11-8!" 648 00:34:51,580 --> 00:34:52,810 He changed his number! 649 00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:54,290 Has he? 650 00:34:54,340 --> 00:34:57,410 I think one of the reasons we were all surprised, I think, 651 00:34:57,460 --> 00:35:00,330 when you first started and were immediately brilliant 652 00:35:00,380 --> 00:35:03,650 in the Red Bull, is that you just don't look particularly ruthless. 653 00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:05,330 I mean, you're always smiling. 654 00:35:05,380 --> 00:35:08,010 The photographs we've been... I've looked through to see 655 00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:10,370 if I could find one of you not smiling, ever. 656 00:35:10,420 --> 00:35:14,010 Have a look at this, OK, because this is winning in Canada. 657 00:35:14,060 --> 00:35:16,210 ~ That's a huge beam, yes? ~ Yeah. 658 00:35:16,260 --> 00:35:19,770 And this is after you've been disqualified in Australia. 659 00:35:19,820 --> 00:35:23,410 And then we've got another photograph of you having some 660 00:35:23,460 --> 00:35:26,770 ~ kind of blood test with a horrible injection. ~ Oh, yeah! ~ Here we are. 661 00:35:26,820 --> 00:35:28,090 Still! 662 00:35:28,140 --> 00:35:31,010 You know what, it looks like a smile, but that's pain right there. 663 00:35:31,060 --> 00:35:34,290 ~ Is it? ~ That's... Yeah! ~ So you smile when you're in agony? 664 00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:38,050 Maybe if we see the lap later, there might be some, er, er... 665 00:35:38,100 --> 00:35:41,250 some different emotions, cos it was an open-face helmet in the Suzuki... 666 00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:44,290 We'll see if we can catch a moment when you're not smiling. 667 00:35:44,340 --> 00:35:47,730 ~ Yeah. ~ But that is later on. Now, obviously, testing is happening. 668 00:35:47,780 --> 00:35:49,570 ~ Now, in fact... ~ Yeah. ~ .. as we speak. 669 00:35:49,620 --> 00:35:51,810 ~ Yeah. ~ In fact, how come you're not there? 670 00:35:51,860 --> 00:35:54,770 ~ Top Gear's way more important. ~ Really? ~ Yeah. ~ Oh, we're honoured! 671 00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:57,370 ~ I hate testing. I can't stand it. ~ Really? 672 00:35:57,420 --> 00:36:00,090 ~ Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but... ~ Oh, no, you see. 673 00:36:00,140 --> 00:36:02,770 The PR machine's come off the rails now! 674 00:36:02,820 --> 00:36:05,890 How's it going? Cos we've got some Formula One fans here, inevitably, 675 00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:07,690 and they'll want to know. How's it going? 676 00:36:07,740 --> 00:36:11,050 ~ Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs? ~ Um, it's still very early. 677 00:36:11,100 --> 00:36:13,810 I mean, we are still finding our way. 678 00:36:13,860 --> 00:36:16,930 But, er, we've still got eight more days in Barcelona after this. 679 00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:20,130 ~ So, come Melbourne, we'll be right. ~ Is anybody else... It's only fair. 680 00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:23,130 There's a lot of Formula One fans. Anyone got any questions they'd like 681 00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:25,930 to ask Daniel while he's here and we're talking about Formula One? 682 00:36:25,980 --> 00:36:28,980 What does the back of Lewis's car look like? 683 00:36:29,380 --> 00:36:32,300 Can you see that? 684 00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:40,490 Anyone else got another question? 685 00:36:40,540 --> 00:36:42,410 Who's better, you or Webber? 686 00:36:42,460 --> 00:36:44,460 Oh... 687 00:36:45,820 --> 00:36:48,050 I don't know. 688 00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:50,490 Actually, let's... We'll find out. 689 00:36:50,540 --> 00:36:54,010 ~ I believe he's... 1.43.1, so.. ~ He is on the board. Cos this is 690 00:36:54,060 --> 00:36:57,450 the only time ever when Formula One drivers get to actually drive 691 00:36:57,500 --> 00:37:00,370 ~ the same machine. ~ Same equipment, different day, one could argue. 692 00:37:00,420 --> 00:37:02,650 ~ The pressure is on, if I'm honest... ~ I know. 693 00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:04,890 ~ .. today, particularly... ~ My heart rate's going up. 694 00:37:04,940 --> 00:37:07,690 Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine, because I actually said, 695 00:37:07,740 --> 00:37:10,210 early last year, I actually sent a tweet out 696 00:37:10,260 --> 00:37:13,370 saying I thought you were the best driver on the F1 grid. 697 00:37:13,420 --> 00:37:15,160 Knuckles. Thanks. 698 00:37:18,580 --> 00:37:20,770 It's my way of saying thank you. 699 00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:24,010 Oh, I see, it's thank you. I thought you'd hit me. Um... 700 00:37:24,060 --> 00:37:26,890 And people who know what they're talking about as well said it. 701 00:37:26,940 --> 00:37:31,370 Alonso said... What did he call you? He said you were "unbelievable". 702 00:37:31,420 --> 00:37:34,730 You know, so we have had this sort of, "How good is Daniel?" 703 00:37:34,780 --> 00:37:36,370 And this is your opportunity to come 704 00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:39,330 and actually show everybody, in the same car they've all driven. 705 00:37:39,380 --> 00:37:41,650 And the weather today was... 706 00:37:41,700 --> 00:37:45,170 ~ It was good. ~ Yeah! ~ Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses! 707 00:37:45,220 --> 00:37:47,210 No, it was cold and bright 708 00:37:47,260 --> 00:37:49,730 and about as perfect as it could be for a car. 709 00:37:49,780 --> 00:37:52,610 So who would like to see what is, let's be honest, 710 00:37:52,660 --> 00:37:54,330 an extremely important lap? 711 00:37:54,380 --> 00:37:55,930 Yes! 712 00:37:55,980 --> 00:37:57,610 Play the tape, let's have a look. 713 00:37:57,660 --> 00:37:59,450 Come on, let's do this! 714 00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:03,010 Obviously, you're back in the old car, the Suzuki Liana. 715 00:38:03,060 --> 00:38:04,650 Nice to see it back. 716 00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:06,410 Race face on! Grr! 717 00:38:06,460 --> 00:38:09,690 That is! It's like a honey badger! 718 00:38:09,740 --> 00:38:12,930 I'm guessing, will you go...? No, weirdly, you're not on the wide line 719 00:38:12,980 --> 00:38:15,930 ~ taken by most of the Formula One drivers. ~ Taking it tight. 720 00:38:15,980 --> 00:38:17,650 ~ Taking it tight. ~ You are. 721 00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,530 Just saving distance. 722 00:38:19,580 --> 00:38:20,890 Not there, you're not. 723 00:38:20,940 --> 00:38:23,210 Chicks'll go crazy for this! 724 00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:27,770 ~ OK, this is it. ~ Bit of understeer. 725 00:38:27,820 --> 00:38:30,850 ~ Little bit, but managed nicely. ~ Kept it tight! 726 00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:33,850 Come on! Let's go! 727 00:38:33,900 --> 00:38:37,010 ~ Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures. ~ Getting racy! 728 00:38:37,060 --> 00:38:39,850 ~ Hammerhead. ~ Keeping it in the lines, ooh... 729 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:43,250 ~ Oh! ~ Yeah, now get it all lined up ready for a smooth, quick... 730 00:38:43,300 --> 00:38:47,250 Why am I telling you what you're doing? You know what you're doing! 731 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:49,090 Come on! 732 00:38:49,140 --> 00:38:51,330 Grr. 733 00:38:51,380 --> 00:38:54,170 Are you suggesting this isn't fast enough? 734 00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:56,930 ~ Look at it! Using the red and whites. ~ This line's good. 735 00:38:56,980 --> 00:38:58,930 This is... this is racy. 736 00:38:58,980 --> 00:39:02,570 ~ Oh, that's keeping it comfy! ~ Yeah. ~ Keeping it comfy. 737 00:39:02,620 --> 00:39:05,570 ~ Ooh, look at that, lift-off oversteer! ~ Yeah! 738 00:39:05,620 --> 00:39:09,170 Something our other guests should use. Lift-off oversteering there. 739 00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:13,020 ~ Ooh, that was... ~ Then just fling it in and there we are across the line! 740 00:39:20,060 --> 00:39:22,660 Ah! Ha-ha, ha-ha! 741 00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:27,650 ~ I'm actually nervous. ~ Go on, then, where do you think you've come? 742 00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:32,650 These are effectively drive times, Jenson, 144. 144, 144, 144, so 743 00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:37,930 we're up to Lewis, then came along, on his second attempt, and did... 744 00:39:37,980 --> 00:39:40,970 let's be honest, a fairly unbeatable 142.9. 745 00:39:41,020 --> 00:39:43,090 ~ Whoa. ~ Cos that's... What is he? Quicker... 746 00:39:43,140 --> 00:39:46,290 ~ Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off. ~ The anticipation's killing me. 747 00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:49,210 And then, we're right down to Seb at 144. 748 00:39:50,060 --> 00:39:52,370 Should I just go lower or...? 749 00:39:52,420 --> 00:39:56,130 I don't know, I... The gap between Webber and Vettel scares me. 750 00:39:56,180 --> 00:39:57,850 Like that's a big gap, so I'm wondering 751 00:39:57,900 --> 00:40:00,490 ~ if they had good track conditions. ~ That's 0.9 of a second. 752 00:40:00,540 --> 00:40:03,690 ~ Did I have that? ~ A load of space to get you and your smile in there. 753 00:40:05,380 --> 00:40:06,530 Just do it slowly! 754 00:40:06,580 --> 00:40:08,450 Lewis, 142.9... 755 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:11,090 Do it slow, like one number by one number. 756 00:40:11,140 --> 00:40:14,450 OK, I don't want... If I lost, I want to lose slowly. 757 00:40:18,820 --> 00:40:20,810 Start with a one at least. 758 00:40:20,860 --> 00:40:23,410 ~ One... ~ Come on! 759 00:40:23,460 --> 00:40:24,850 ..50... 760 00:40:24,900 --> 00:40:26,370 Oh, no, come on. 761 00:40:26,420 --> 00:40:28,620 I'm just teasing you. 762 00:40:35,260 --> 00:40:38,850 Sorry, I'm letting you down gently, is what I'm doing. 763 00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:42,050 ~ One... ~ Ugh, do it slow, do it slow. 764 00:40:42,100 --> 00:40:44,740 ~ .. forty... ~ Ugh... Please say two. 765 00:40:46,540 --> 00:40:48,730 ~ Come on. ~ .. two. ~ Yeah! 766 00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:50,180 Ooh! 767 00:40:52,780 --> 00:40:56,010 My hair's standing on end, cos it's another two. 768 00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:59,210 I mean, seriously, a 142.2. 769 00:41:02,820 --> 00:41:05,570 Staggering, absolutely staggering. 770 00:41:05,620 --> 00:41:08,380 How'd you do that? How did you do that? 771 00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:21,090 That's the fastest anybody's ever gone round our track. 772 00:41:21,140 --> 00:41:22,690 I feel better. 773 00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,340 In any of our reasonably priced cars. 774 00:41:27,820 --> 00:41:29,650 It'll be fun next year 775 00:41:29,700 --> 00:41:32,610 when you get back on the circuit with that time. 776 00:41:32,660 --> 00:41:34,690 That is genuinely remarkable. 777 00:41:34,740 --> 00:41:38,370 I'm staggered because I... Lewis has hung himself. 778 00:41:38,420 --> 00:41:42,250 Oh, and by the way, matey boy, you want to...? 779 00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:47,850 In the same car, it turns out that 780 00:41:47,900 --> 00:41:51,610 the Aussie has just beaten the Brit, it's the Ashes all over again. 781 00:41:51,660 --> 00:41:54,730 This is how I felt after Canada. I didn't know what to say. 782 00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:57,690 So we've actually made a man happier than winning a grand prix. 783 00:41:57,740 --> 00:42:01,580 Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it! Daniel Ricciardo! 784 00:42:03,700 --> 00:42:06,780 Just... I'm really, that's... I never thought... 785 00:42:08,740 --> 00:42:11,330 You know that wasn't a fluke, don't you? 786 00:42:11,380 --> 00:42:15,210 You know he did three laps exactly the same time? Three times. 787 00:42:15,260 --> 00:42:18,170 ~ That's why he's... you know. ~ Yeah, yeah. 788 00:42:18,220 --> 00:42:22,250 Now, tonight, we have made three ambulances, and to be honest, 789 00:42:22,300 --> 00:42:25,650 there have been a few niggles and minor teething troubles. 790 00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:27,850 Yeah. For example, not one of them 791 00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:31,010 has yet delivered a patient to a hospital alive. 792 00:42:31,060 --> 00:42:32,890 No. Nevertheless, 793 00:42:32,940 --> 00:42:34,650 the producer said we had to go off 794 00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:38,290 and build a Thunderbirds-style International Rescue facility 795 00:42:38,340 --> 00:42:42,290 where we would be on hand with our ambulances 24 hours a day, 796 00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:45,340 ready to respond at a moment's notice. 797 00:42:48,020 --> 00:42:49,730 This is it. 798 00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:51,570 And inside the command module, 799 00:42:51,620 --> 00:42:54,050 we were waiting for our first emergency. 800 00:42:54,100 --> 00:42:56,730 Have you heard about this 801 00:42:56,780 --> 00:43:00,410 Jewish volunteer ambulance service called Hatzolah? 802 00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:02,050 No. 803 00:43:02,100 --> 00:43:05,850 No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's unbelievable. The NHS response time 804 00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:10,250 in Britain for a life-threatening situation is eight minutes. 805 00:43:10,300 --> 00:43:13,850 They get there in New York - in New York, which is busy - 806 00:43:13,900 --> 00:43:15,290 in four minutes. 807 00:43:15,340 --> 00:43:17,170 ~ That's from the call? ~ That's from the call. 808 00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:18,930 Four minutes later, they're there. 809 00:43:18,980 --> 00:43:22,090 There's 1,000 of them in New York, OK, and they're normal people, 810 00:43:22,140 --> 00:43:24,610 they're builders, teachers, whatever - they're trained. 811 00:43:24,660 --> 00:43:27,290 And they keep with them in their cars, at all times, 812 00:43:27,340 --> 00:43:30,610 defibrillators, medicine - all the things you need. 813 00:43:30,660 --> 00:43:33,770 It's a brilliant idea. And we should be aiming for 814 00:43:33,820 --> 00:43:35,370 these response times. 815 00:43:35,420 --> 00:43:38,890 ~ It takes me two minutes to shut the back door! ~ He has a point. 816 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:43,010 Oh, gentlemen, incoming message. 817 00:43:43,060 --> 00:43:45,380 What a remarkable printer. 818 00:43:46,820 --> 00:43:49,850 "A meteorite has landed on the town of Theale. 819 00:43:49,900 --> 00:43:51,210 "There are many casualties. 820 00:43:51,260 --> 00:43:53,650 "Points will be awarded for whichever one of you 821 00:43:53,700 --> 00:43:57,850 "gets one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time." 822 00:43:57,900 --> 00:44:02,650 This is it. International Rescue has been summoned, Thunderbirds are go! 823 00:44:46,060 --> 00:44:48,660 I'm power-sliding in an ambulance! 824 00:45:04,580 --> 00:45:06,250 Coming through. 825 00:45:07,660 --> 00:45:09,050 Yeah! 826 00:45:09,100 --> 00:45:11,460 Dig down, Cosworth power. 827 00:45:13,500 --> 00:45:16,410 'Naturally, we soon encountered heavy traffic, 828 00:45:16,460 --> 00:45:18,650 'but we were ready for that.' 829 00:45:18,700 --> 00:45:20,370 Engaging siren. 830 00:45:21,820 --> 00:45:24,730 ♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... ♪ 831 00:45:24,780 --> 00:45:26,420 Come on, go! 832 00:45:27,740 --> 00:45:29,930 Can you not see I'm an ambulance? 833 00:45:29,980 --> 00:45:32,410 ♪.. Ali-i-ive... ♪ 834 00:45:32,460 --> 00:45:36,250 Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's reassuring for the patient... 835 00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:39,860 but it doesn't really say "siren" to other road users. 836 00:45:41,220 --> 00:45:45,610 Get out of the way, you normal ambulance! Come on! 837 00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:48,570 'My siren, like my ambulance, 838 00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:51,850 'was designed to scare people out of the way.' 839 00:45:55,860 --> 00:45:58,860 'Annoyingly, though, it didn't really work.' 840 00:46:08,860 --> 00:46:11,130 He's not scared at all. 841 00:46:11,180 --> 00:46:14,770 'If Hammond's siren wasn't working, James's didn't have a prayer.' 842 00:46:14,820 --> 00:46:17,770 I know it's slightly annoying, 843 00:46:17,820 --> 00:46:20,330 but could you be an awfully good sport 844 00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:23,940 and move out of the way of the ambulance? Thank you. 845 00:46:25,820 --> 00:46:29,530 'When we arrived in Theale, we split up to look 846 00:46:29,580 --> 00:46:31,730 'for the meteorite crash site.' 847 00:46:31,780 --> 00:46:34,130 Oh, God, the place is a mess! 848 00:46:34,180 --> 00:46:36,890 Look at the damn... Oh, no, this isn't the site, 849 00:46:36,940 --> 00:46:39,280 is it? this is just... Theale. 850 00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:45,170 We've got everything we need. Blood, oxygen, Nurofen. 851 00:46:47,580 --> 00:46:51,290 Hydraulic handbrake, very important in a ram-bulance. 852 00:46:51,340 --> 00:46:54,490 The Hatzolah ambulance service will be watching this 853 00:46:54,540 --> 00:46:57,700 with their mouths... agog! 854 00:46:59,340 --> 00:47:04,220 Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah are the people to beat. 855 00:47:11,980 --> 00:47:13,980 Yeah, temporarily lost. 856 00:47:14,620 --> 00:47:18,540 Has anybody seen a meteorite? I mean, it can't be... 857 00:47:20,500 --> 00:47:25,090 I can't see anything that's been damaged by a meteorite. 858 00:47:25,140 --> 00:47:28,650 This is getting irritating! 859 00:47:37,260 --> 00:47:41,130 40 minutes later, two of us arrived. 860 00:47:41,180 --> 00:47:43,980 'Relax, people, I'M here.' 861 00:47:45,020 --> 00:47:47,580 Oh, my God. Look at this. 862 00:47:51,380 --> 00:47:54,120 Yeah, we got a lot of casualties here. 863 00:47:55,900 --> 00:47:58,380 Where is this site? Come on! 864 00:47:59,540 --> 00:48:02,140 Oh, hello, brakes are getting spongy. 865 00:48:04,580 --> 00:48:06,460 Still hot. 866 00:48:08,300 --> 00:48:11,610 ~ Jeremy... ~ What? ~ This is absolutely amazing. 867 00:48:11,660 --> 00:48:14,650 It is, none of the girls are wearing underwear. 868 00:48:14,700 --> 00:48:17,820 ~ Oh, here comes Hammond. ~ About time. 869 00:48:19,060 --> 00:48:22,290 Do you just have the fire brigade following you around... 870 00:48:22,340 --> 00:48:24,770 ~ as a matter of course? ~ Oh, yeah, it does do that. 871 00:48:24,820 --> 00:48:27,890 I didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike. 872 00:48:27,940 --> 00:48:31,090 ~ I mean, that's... ~ No, it is. ~ .. actually happened. 873 00:48:31,140 --> 00:48:32,650 Go on, then. 874 00:48:32,700 --> 00:48:36,610 "Each of the casualties is fitted with a timer showing how long 875 00:48:36,660 --> 00:48:38,770 "they have before they die. 876 00:48:38,820 --> 00:48:41,010 "This lets you know how long you have 877 00:48:41,060 --> 00:48:44,360 "before they must reach the hospital. However..." 878 00:48:44,900 --> 00:48:48,290 "However, each time they are jolted or bashed, 879 00:48:48,340 --> 00:48:51,210 "the timer will jump forwards ten seconds." 880 00:48:51,260 --> 00:48:54,010 ~ How long's on the timers? ~ Well, I don't know. 881 00:48:54,060 --> 00:48:56,690 I presume depending on how wounded they are. 882 00:48:56,740 --> 00:48:58,210 Oh, so it'll be different. 883 00:48:58,260 --> 00:49:01,530 So we've got to choose one with the longest amount of time. 884 00:49:01,580 --> 00:49:06,770 ~ Yeah, exactly. Right. ~ The race starts in three, two, one - now! 885 00:49:06,820 --> 00:49:09,220 Right. I'm just going to get in. 886 00:49:11,500 --> 00:49:13,610 30 seconds, waste of time. 887 00:49:13,660 --> 00:49:15,930 Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry. 888 00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:23,610 He's got ten minutes. I'm having him. 889 00:49:23,660 --> 00:49:27,610 Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you. 890 00:49:27,660 --> 00:49:31,460 You're in good shape, my man. I can look after you. 891 00:49:34,580 --> 00:49:36,170 There you go, sir. 892 00:49:36,220 --> 00:49:39,410 'With the patients carefully loaded...' 893 00:49:39,460 --> 00:49:40,930 Get in! 894 00:49:40,980 --> 00:49:43,450 '..Richard and I were on our way.' 895 00:49:44,500 --> 00:49:47,240 ♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive... ♪ 896 00:49:54,620 --> 00:49:57,740 May have collected a cone or two there, sorry. 897 00:50:03,340 --> 00:50:06,810 We've never lost a patient from Theale on my watch, 898 00:50:06,860 --> 00:50:09,600 sure as hell not going to lose one now! 899 00:50:10,900 --> 00:50:13,930 'The roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the 900 00:50:13,980 --> 00:50:18,690 'other side of town were littered with abandoned cars. 901 00:50:18,740 --> 00:50:22,210 'But Hammond and I had decided to get there as fast as possible, 902 00:50:22,260 --> 00:50:26,130 'even if it meant incurring a few ten-second penalties.' 903 00:50:26,180 --> 00:50:28,810 Don't you worry, sir, 904 00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,860 you just hang on tight. 905 00:50:32,180 --> 00:50:35,580 Here we go. Rams deployed. 906 00:50:40,220 --> 00:50:43,250 The thing is, mate, you get a ten-second penalty 907 00:50:43,300 --> 00:50:45,640 for every single little knock. 908 00:50:46,700 --> 00:50:49,650 So you may as well have big knocks. 909 00:50:51,860 --> 00:50:57,330 Unsurprisingly, James had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all. 910 00:50:57,380 --> 00:51:00,370 Hello, and welcome aboard the ecnalubma. 911 00:51:00,420 --> 00:51:02,490 Your recovery is our first priority. 912 00:51:02,540 --> 00:51:05,050 We realise that you have a choice of ambulances, 913 00:51:05,100 --> 00:51:07,500 and this is indeed the best one. 914 00:51:09,100 --> 00:51:11,840 The patient is really annoying me now. 915 00:51:12,940 --> 00:51:15,010 Oh, no, he's broken free! 916 00:51:17,460 --> 00:51:20,060 Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is! 917 00:51:21,420 --> 00:51:24,700 Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably ten seconds off your life. 918 00:51:26,340 --> 00:51:28,770 Meanwhile, in the next street... 919 00:51:31,580 --> 00:51:34,540 .. James had encountered a Peugeot driver. 920 00:51:36,620 --> 00:51:39,530 Sorry to disturb you, gentleman in the silver Peugeot, 921 00:51:39,580 --> 00:51:43,250 but this is an ambulance and this is an emergency. 922 00:51:43,300 --> 00:51:46,890 It really is a matter of great importance that you 923 00:51:46,940 --> 00:51:49,680 make way for the ambulance, thank you. 924 00:51:57,820 --> 00:51:59,940 Move, man! 925 00:52:05,060 --> 00:52:07,860 Whoops-a-daisy. 926 00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:14,180 No. Oh... 927 00:52:17,620 --> 00:52:20,210 I've been reasonably polite about this so far, 928 00:52:20,260 --> 00:52:23,220 ~ I would like you to get out of the ~ way. 929 00:52:24,820 --> 00:52:27,250 Thanks to our exuberant driving, 930 00:52:27,300 --> 00:52:30,290 my patient and Hammond's had lost a lot of life. 931 00:52:30,340 --> 00:52:33,100 So we decided to go even faster. 932 00:52:35,380 --> 00:52:37,650 We're on our way to hospital. 933 00:52:39,140 --> 00:52:42,370 ♪.. Stayin' alive Aah, aah, aah, aah... ♪ 934 00:52:42,420 --> 00:52:44,170 Ramming! 935 00:52:44,220 --> 00:52:52,090 ♪..Ali-i-i-i-ve... ♪ 936 00:52:52,140 --> 00:52:56,210 I think my man is suffering. Reassuring tunes coming up. 937 00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:59,330 ~ ♪ Come on, baby ~ Don't fear the reaper 938 00:52:59,380 --> 00:53:02,490 ~ ♪ Baby, take my hand ~ Don't fear the reaper 939 00:53:02,540 --> 00:53:05,620 ♪ We'll be able to fly... ♪ 940 00:53:07,780 --> 00:53:10,930 'Following my encounter with the infernal Peugeot, 941 00:53:10,980 --> 00:53:13,850 'I'd also thrown caution to the wind.' 942 00:53:13,900 --> 00:53:17,180 Hang on, fellow, we're making up the lost time. 943 00:53:22,140 --> 00:53:24,170 Shortcut. 944 00:53:24,220 --> 00:53:25,860 Watch this. 945 00:53:28,100 --> 00:53:29,700 Cock. 946 00:53:31,100 --> 00:53:33,700 Cocking Nora. 947 00:53:38,300 --> 00:53:41,040 Well, I've lost a few seconds in that. 948 00:53:42,140 --> 00:53:45,650 Oh, no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me. 949 00:53:45,700 --> 00:53:47,730 Hammond, get out of my way! 950 00:53:47,780 --> 00:53:51,300 I'm coming through in a Porsche Turbo! 951 00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:56,250 Brakes are definitely fading. 952 00:54:00,380 --> 00:54:03,370 This is the trouble with the privatised ambulance service 953 00:54:03,420 --> 00:54:05,530 that we have created here. 954 00:54:05,580 --> 00:54:07,780 It's a race, really. 955 00:54:10,980 --> 00:54:13,090 Beautifully controlled... 956 00:54:13,140 --> 00:54:14,980 Patient rested. 957 00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:20,210 Hammond, move, move, move! 958 00:54:20,260 --> 00:54:22,450 Right, nitrous. 959 00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:24,370 Whoa! 960 00:54:24,420 --> 00:54:26,650 Agh! 961 00:54:28,060 --> 00:54:30,850 He's gone, he's gone, and he's gone badly wrong. 962 00:54:30,900 --> 00:54:32,940 Hammond has stuffed it! 963 00:54:35,860 --> 00:54:39,660 Nearly there, sorry about the noise, you'll be fine! 964 00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:46,250 Sorry. They couldn't get a lot done in ten seconds. 965 00:54:46,300 --> 00:54:48,770 ♪.. Don't fear the reaper... ♪ 966 00:54:48,820 --> 00:54:52,820 We're getting near the hospital now. Stay with me, stay with me! 967 00:54:56,020 --> 00:54:59,220 Oh, yes. First at the hospital. 968 00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:04,340 That is a victory. 969 00:55:12,780 --> 00:55:16,250 Damn it, May is already there! 970 00:55:16,300 --> 00:55:19,620 But my patient is still alive, OK. 971 00:55:20,740 --> 00:55:22,490 Ready, boot opening. 972 00:55:22,540 --> 00:55:26,540 Patient-delivery system engaged. Here we go! 973 00:55:29,420 --> 00:55:31,380 Oh! 974 00:55:35,300 --> 00:55:37,450 Mm-mm-mm-mmm! 975 00:55:37,500 --> 00:55:42,410 I give you one alive patient, delivered to a hospital. 976 00:55:42,460 --> 00:55:44,290 ~ Ahem. ~ Where is yours? 977 00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:46,410 Oh, he's, um... he got better. 978 00:55:46,460 --> 00:55:48,130 ~ Did he? ~ Yeah. ~ Did he? 979 00:55:48,180 --> 00:55:51,090 I did say, did I not, at the beginning of this item, 980 00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:54,370 "The process of recovery begins in the club class ambulance." 981 00:55:54,420 --> 00:55:57,370 ~ And in fact, it works. ~ James, where is he? 982 00:55:57,420 --> 00:56:00,130 ~ In the pub, I imagine. ~ He can't be in the pub, 983 00:56:00,180 --> 00:56:03,780 he was wounded, he was dying, got ten minutes to live! 984 00:56:09,300 --> 00:56:10,450 Right, down here. 985 00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:12,330 This looks good. 986 00:56:12,380 --> 00:56:14,850 Ah, wait a minute, here he comes. 987 00:56:15,380 --> 00:56:17,690 And now - coup de grace. 988 00:56:17,740 --> 00:56:20,250 Patient to hospital. 989 00:56:23,700 --> 00:56:26,140 Hammond, you blithering idiot! 990 00:56:34,460 --> 00:56:35,930 Thank you. 991 00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:39,090 Well, there we are. Despite Hammond's catastrophic failure 992 00:56:39,140 --> 00:56:40,410 at the end there, 993 00:56:40,460 --> 00:56:44,090 I think there were a number of very important points made in that film. 994 00:56:44,140 --> 00:56:47,130 But now we must work out which of our ambulances 995 00:56:47,180 --> 00:56:51,290 ~ was the best. ~ Absolutely, and over here we have the scoreboard. 996 00:56:51,340 --> 00:56:54,170 And we start with the drag race. Now, Jeremy, you won that. 997 00:56:54,220 --> 00:56:59,330 ~ I did. ~ So you get 10 points. Uh, I came second, I get 5. 998 00:56:59,380 --> 00:57:02,770 Richard Hammond, you were last, and for that you get nought. 999 00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:05,570 Yep, OK, fair enough. Then we move on to lap times. 1000 00:57:05,620 --> 00:57:08,570 Now, remember, you get a point for every second your ambulance 1001 00:57:08,620 --> 00:57:11,850 got round the track driven by the Stig in under three minutes. 1002 00:57:11,900 --> 00:57:15,010 I get 43 points, there we go. 1003 00:57:15,060 --> 00:57:19,770 ~ Jeremy, you did it in... ~ 2.24. ~ So you get, uh, it's 36. 1004 00:57:19,820 --> 00:57:23,410 ~ 36 points. ~ Yeah. And now, James, um... 1005 00:57:25,340 --> 00:57:29,650 Yours works out, I'm afraid, at minus 568 there. 1006 00:57:29,700 --> 00:57:32,490 ~ Rubbish! ~ No, I'm afraid your tailgate 1007 00:57:32,540 --> 00:57:35,410 coming down, that let you down badly. 1008 00:57:35,460 --> 00:57:38,130 All right, never mind. Let's move on - medical procedures. 1009 00:57:38,180 --> 00:57:40,530 Now, uh, I performed two of those, 1010 00:57:40,580 --> 00:57:44,010 you get 7 points for each one, so I got 14 points. 1011 00:57:44,060 --> 00:57:47,050 Richard Hammond, you actually performed three, 1012 00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:49,010 so you get 21 points. 1013 00:57:49,060 --> 00:57:50,690 Uh, no, hang on a minute. 1014 00:57:50,740 --> 00:57:53,730 I did four, because I did the intestines, the catheter, 1015 00:57:53,780 --> 00:57:55,290 the drip and I did the airway. 1016 00:57:55,340 --> 00:57:57,210 Yeah, but you weren't asked to do the airway. 1017 00:57:57,260 --> 00:57:59,650 ~ Yes, but I did it. ~ You could've done a breast enlargement, 1018 00:57:59,700 --> 00:58:01,890 it wouldn't have made any difference to your points. 1019 00:58:01,940 --> 00:58:03,930 You were asked to do three things, you did them, 1020 00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:07,130 ~ stop moaning. What did I get? ~ Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing, 1021 00:58:07,180 --> 00:58:09,410 ~ because you, I'm afraid, got nought. ~ Oh, that's cos 1022 00:58:09,460 --> 00:58:12,530 I was rather transfixed by my patient's... thing. 1023 00:58:12,580 --> 00:58:14,250 ♪ Trust in me... ♪ 1024 00:58:14,300 --> 00:58:17,610 No, I was. I went round one corner, it nearly went in my mouth. 1025 00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:19,170 Yes. 1026 00:58:19,220 --> 00:58:20,730 That would've been bad. 1027 00:58:20,780 --> 00:58:22,930 Let's move on to value. 1028 00:58:22,980 --> 00:58:26,130 ~ Uh, Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive. ~ It was. 1029 00:58:26,180 --> 00:58:27,930 ~ Can you believe it? ~ I know. Well... 1030 00:58:27,980 --> 00:58:29,970 Difficult, but, uh, you get nought. 1031 00:58:30,020 --> 00:58:34,410 Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very slightly cheaper, so you get 5. 1032 00:58:34,460 --> 00:58:39,090 Mine was very much cheaper, at just £1,800, I get 10. 1033 00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:42,250 ~ 10 points there. ~ OK, moving on. Now, sirens. 1034 00:58:42,300 --> 00:58:45,530 ~ Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess. ~ It was. 1035 00:58:45,580 --> 00:58:48,650 ~ It was. So I get nought there. ~ It was childish and rubbish. 1036 00:58:48,700 --> 00:58:50,770 Jeremy, yours didn't work either, did it? 1037 00:58:50,820 --> 00:58:52,930 It didn't. Wasn't childish, it just didn't work. 1038 00:58:52,980 --> 00:58:54,770 It was rubbish. 1039 00:58:54,820 --> 00:59:00,290 James, you get minus 461 for that one. 1040 00:59:00,340 --> 00:59:02,330 How do you work that out? 1041 00:59:02,380 --> 00:59:04,650 Well, because not only was your siren inaudible, 1042 00:59:04,700 --> 00:59:07,170 but it doesn't actually say "ambulance" 1043 00:59:07,220 --> 00:59:09,570 ~ on the front of your ambulance. ~ Yes, it does! ~ It doesn't. 1044 00:59:09,620 --> 00:59:11,490 Look, you've written the word backwards, 1045 00:59:11,540 --> 00:59:14,370 but you've got the letters the right way around still. 1046 00:59:14,420 --> 00:59:16,770 Yes, I know, but the shop where I went 1047 00:59:16,820 --> 00:59:19,290 didn't have back-to-front ambulance lettering. 1048 00:59:19,340 --> 00:59:21,290 Yes, yes, and as a result of that, 1049 00:59:21,340 --> 00:59:24,370 ~ you are now on exactly minus 1,000. ~ Yes, you are. 1050 00:59:24,420 --> 00:59:26,250 That's absolutely remarkable. 1051 00:59:26,300 --> 00:59:28,730 That's incredible. Incredible maths, but there we are. 1052 00:59:28,780 --> 00:59:31,410 It doesn't matter, I'm going to claw something back here. 1053 00:59:31,460 --> 00:59:32,770 The race to the hospital. 1054 00:59:32,820 --> 00:59:35,130 Yeah, you are. Because you came first. 1055 00:59:35,180 --> 00:59:37,330 For that, you get 10 points. 1056 00:59:37,380 --> 00:59:40,290 ~ Jeremy, you came second, so it's 5 points for you. ~ Yes. 1057 00:59:40,340 --> 00:59:44,810 And I came stone dead last, so I get no points on that particular one. 1058 00:59:44,860 --> 00:59:46,490 Oh, now look, here we are. 1059 00:59:46,540 --> 00:59:49,930 James is back to... yeah, minus 990. 1060 00:59:49,980 --> 00:59:53,130 He's catching up. Right, delivery systems. 1061 00:59:53,180 --> 00:59:55,210 Now, mine didn't really work, did it? 1062 00:59:55,260 --> 00:59:58,810 No, well, your door didn't work one time, and you fired a man 1063 00:59:58,860 --> 01:00:01,410 through a window the second time, so that's definitely no. 1064 01:00:01,460 --> 01:00:03,250 Yeah, that did happen. 1065 01:00:03,300 --> 01:00:07,210 James, you didn't actually have a patient to deliver. 1066 01:00:07,260 --> 01:00:10,370 ~ No, you didn't. ~ So I'm afraid you get minus 10 for that. 1067 01:00:10,420 --> 01:00:13,570 Oh, no. All gone wrong. 1068 01:00:13,620 --> 01:00:16,170 Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work. 1069 01:00:16,220 --> 01:00:18,970 It did, so you get 5 points. Right. 1070 01:00:19,020 --> 01:00:22,370 So hang on a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on... this is close. 1071 01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:25,730 Not with you, obviously, James, but Hammond and I, 1072 01:00:25,780 --> 01:00:29,170 I'm only now... I'm only three points behind you. 1073 01:00:29,220 --> 01:00:30,890 And we arrive at this bit. 1074 01:00:30,940 --> 01:00:34,290 OK, this is the condition of the patient when he arrived... 1075 01:00:34,340 --> 01:00:36,570 Well, I say "he", the "she", whatever it was. 1076 01:00:36,620 --> 01:00:38,490 ~ .. arrived at the hospital. ~ Yeah. 1077 01:00:38,540 --> 01:00:40,930 So, ahem, here we go. James May... 1078 01:00:40,980 --> 01:00:43,570 ~ Yes. ~ Your patient condition was... 1079 01:00:43,620 --> 01:00:44,970 Missing. 1080 01:00:45,020 --> 01:00:47,650 Yes. Presumed dead. 1081 01:00:47,700 --> 01:00:50,010 ~ Yeah, dead. ~ So you score... 1082 01:00:50,060 --> 01:00:51,850 ~ Uh, nought. ~ Right, nought. 1083 01:00:51,900 --> 01:00:54,810 ~ The condition of Hammond's patient? ~ Dead. 1084 01:00:54,860 --> 01:00:57,850 ~ Right, so he scores... ~ Nought. 1085 01:00:57,900 --> 01:01:00,410 Ahem, and the condition of my patient? 1086 01:01:00,460 --> 01:01:02,860 Your patient, Jeremy, was alive. 1087 01:01:04,500 --> 01:01:07,060 ~ And so I score...? ~ One. 1088 01:01:09,580 --> 01:01:13,610 ~ What do you mean, one? ~ It's nought for dead, one for alive. 1089 01:01:13,660 --> 01:01:16,490 I was the only one of the three of us 1090 01:01:16,540 --> 01:01:19,570 who got a patient to a hospital alive, and that matters! 1091 01:01:19,620 --> 01:01:21,930 Yes, and that's why you got that point. 1092 01:01:21,980 --> 01:01:24,330 So you're saying that because I only get one point, 1093 01:01:24,380 --> 01:01:27,690 I'm... That means I now lose to you, 1094 01:01:27,740 --> 01:01:31,730 even though your van was slow, expensive, 1095 01:01:31,780 --> 01:01:34,770 its brakes caught fire every time you tried to 1096 01:01:34,820 --> 01:01:37,570 slow down, and it killed everybody who got into the back of it. 1097 01:01:37,620 --> 01:01:39,210 Yep. 1098 01:01:39,260 --> 01:01:42,170 And the only reason you won is because you happened to be 1099 01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:44,610 good at putting a tube in a ladyboy's sausage. 1100 01:01:44,660 --> 01:01:47,530 ~ Yep. ~ Which means that you, Richard Hammond, 1101 01:01:47,580 --> 01:01:51,370 have single handedly ruined the National Health Service. 1102 01:01:51,420 --> 01:01:52,890 Yep. 1103 01:01:52,940 --> 01:01:55,130 And on that bombshell, it's time to end. 1104 01:01:55,180 --> 01:01:58,050 Thank you so much for watching. See you again next week. 1105 01:01:58,100 --> 01:01:59,660 Good night.