1
00:00:00,542 --> 00:00:04,092
[chuckles] Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
2
00:00:04,093 --> 00:00:06,625
Yeah, is it a party or is it a game night?
3
00:00:06,627 --> 00:00:09,895
If it's a game night, you
have to say so in advance,
4
00:00:09,897 --> 00:00:11,130
so we don't go.
5
00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,232
And a puzzle is not a game.
6
00:00:13,234 --> 00:00:14,934
It's a silent chore.
7
00:00:14,936 --> 00:00:17,870
Something tells me
they're never gonna finish.
8
00:00:17,872 --> 00:00:19,505
I took all the corner pieces.
9
00:00:19,507 --> 00:00:23,142
[both laughing]
10
00:00:23,144 --> 00:00:26,412
Um, hey, you know that girl Katie?
11
00:00:26,414 --> 00:00:29,415
- Did you think she was hot?
- No.
12
00:00:29,417 --> 00:00:30,850
You said no?
13
00:00:30,852 --> 00:00:32,885
- He said no.
- Rookie marriage mistake.
14
00:00:32,887 --> 00:00:34,420
Rookie marriage mistake.
15
00:00:34,422 --> 00:00:37,590
Basically what you're saying
is, "Hi, wife, we made some vows
16
00:00:37,592 --> 00:00:38,924
"in front of our friends and God,
17
00:00:38,926 --> 00:00:42,094
but what I'd love to do
now is lie to your face."
18
00:00:42,096 --> 00:00:43,129
I'll advised.
19
00:00:43,131 --> 00:00:45,397
- Mm.
- Our jury has spoken.
20
00:00:45,399 --> 00:00:47,767
- So was she hot?
- Just her face and body.
21
00:00:47,769 --> 00:00:49,802
See? Even she thinks so.
22
00:00:49,804 --> 00:00:51,937
What was I supposed to do, say yes?
23
00:00:51,939 --> 00:00:53,606
How would that go?
24
00:00:53,608 --> 00:00:56,075
Hey, you know that girl Katie?
25
00:00:56,077 --> 00:00:58,277
Did you think she was hot?
26
00:00:58,279 --> 00:01:00,913
Both: Ahh!
27
00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:04,016
In that version, I steered
into oncoming traffic.
28
00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:05,685
You know, you're not
completely blameless here.
29
00:01:05,687 --> 00:01:06,886
Not completely blame...
30
00:01:06,888 --> 00:01:08,554
- Wait, who, me?
- Yeah who you.
31
00:01:08,556 --> 00:01:10,556
Why ask the question if
you don't want the answer?
32
00:01:10,558 --> 00:01:13,859
All I'm saying is, I've learned
that there are certain questions
33
00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:15,027
you just don't ask.
34
00:01:15,029 --> 00:01:17,129
But if she does happen to ask?
35
00:01:17,131 --> 00:01:18,998
Allow an experienced married couple
36
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,433
to teach you how to navigate.
37
00:01:20,435 --> 00:01:23,536
Allow us to be your
marital GPS, if you will.
38
00:01:23,538 --> 00:01:25,037
This is gonna be worse
than making that puzzle.
39
00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:26,505
Mm-hmm.
40
00:01:26,507 --> 00:01:28,174
Hey, you know that girl Katie?
41
00:01:28,176 --> 00:01:30,476
- Did you think she was hot?
- Pfft.
42
00:01:30,478 --> 00:01:34,079
With that amount of plastic
surgery anyone can be hot.
43
00:01:35,482 --> 00:01:37,383
♪ Don't look now ♪
44
00:01:37,385 --> 00:01:40,019
♪ I said don't look now ♪
45
00:01:40,021 --> 00:01:43,423
♪ 'Cause here we are ♪
♪ Living the best days of our lives ♪
46
00:01:43,642 --> 00:01:46,953
Synced and Corrected by Nsiko
www.Addic7ed.com
47
00:01:47,352 --> 00:01:48,761
[knocking on door]
48
00:01:48,763 --> 00:01:50,396
- Whoa, look at you.
- Hey.
49
00:01:50,398 --> 00:01:51,797
You actually know what you're
doing in there, or what?
50
00:01:51,799 --> 00:01:53,232
Of course I do.
51
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:55,167
I'm just trying to get my
hands around this ball cock.
52
00:01:55,169 --> 00:01:56,168
[straining]
53
00:01:56,170 --> 00:01:57,470
I'm an adult.
54
00:01:57,472 --> 00:01:59,972
Not gonna swing at the low-hanging fruit.
55
00:01:59,974 --> 00:02:01,107
But, on a related note,
56
00:02:01,109 --> 00:02:03,809
guess what I got for us on Saturday night?
57
00:02:03,811 --> 00:02:06,512
A VIP invite to the Adult Film Awards.
58
00:02:06,514 --> 00:02:08,414
Are you serious? The Oscars of porn?
59
00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:11,050
The only awards show where
the trophies take batteries.
60
00:02:11,052 --> 00:02:12,318
[laughter]
61
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,286
I think one of the
categories is best ball cock.
62
00:02:14,288 --> 00:02:16,355
- Damn it, I swung at it.
- Yeah, you did.
63
00:02:16,357 --> 00:02:17,857
Why'd they invite you?
64
00:02:17,859 --> 00:02:19,558
Are you one of the five people
that's still paying for porn?
65
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,994
Irrelevant.
66
00:02:21,996 --> 00:02:24,630
I got it because my Twitter is blowing up.
67
00:02:24,632 --> 00:02:27,666
They sent invites to a bunch of
comedians so we'll go and tweet about it.
68
00:02:27,668 --> 00:02:30,202
It's part of porn's
attempt to go mainstream.
69
00:02:30,204 --> 00:02:31,470
Silly porn.
70
00:02:31,472 --> 00:02:32,605
You'll never be real movies.
71
00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:34,006
I got four passes.
72
00:02:34,008 --> 00:02:36,709
You, me, Jim, Hudson,
we'll make a night of it.
73
00:02:36,711 --> 00:02:38,677
Yeah, that's sweet. Maybe
we should all wear vests.
74
00:02:38,679 --> 00:02:41,080
Kidding, unless you think we should.
75
00:02:41,082 --> 00:02:43,549
What are those two idiots doing up there?
76
00:02:43,551 --> 00:02:44,884
Oh, Mitch is fixing the toilet.
77
00:02:44,886 --> 00:02:46,552
Oh, I didn't know Mitch was handy.
78
00:02:46,554 --> 00:02:48,187
He is not.
79
00:02:48,189 --> 00:02:49,855
But here's another marriage hack for you.
80
00:02:49,857 --> 00:02:51,424
Let him fix it, and then call a plumber
81
00:02:51,426 --> 00:02:53,092
to actually fix it when he's not around.
82
00:02:53,094 --> 00:02:54,894
I get a working toilet.
83
00:02:54,896 --> 00:02:56,495
Mitch gets a working ego.
84
00:02:56,497 --> 00:02:57,997
Win-win.
85
00:02:57,999 --> 00:03:00,466
So, marital GPS, what's
our cover with the wives?
86
00:03:00,468 --> 00:03:03,169
Batting cages? Go-cart racing? Laser tag?
87
00:03:03,171 --> 00:03:05,638
First off, we should do all
those things, maybe in vests.
88
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,406
Second, never lie!
89
00:03:07,408 --> 00:03:09,542
Have you learned nothing from,
"Do you think Katie's hot?"
90
00:03:09,544 --> 00:03:11,477
Let's just talk to our
wives. See what they say.
91
00:03:11,479 --> 00:03:12,912
You know, tell the truth.
92
00:03:12,914 --> 00:03:14,447
- Seems risky.
- Just watch.
93
00:03:14,449 --> 00:03:15,548
Whoa, now?
94
00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:17,316
GPS, reroute! Reroute!
95
00:03:17,318 --> 00:03:20,119
Guess who fixed the toilet?
96
00:03:20,121 --> 00:03:22,455
My handy hero.
97
00:03:22,457 --> 00:03:24,690
Well, first responders are the real heroes.
98
00:03:24,692 --> 00:03:27,293
- Thanks so much, honey.
- Hey, just something to run by you.
99
00:03:27,295 --> 00:03:28,561
Ease into it.
100
00:03:28,563 --> 00:03:31,163
Russell got tickets to the
porn awards on Saturday.
101
00:03:31,165 --> 00:03:34,734
- I specifically said, "Ease."
- And why do you want to go to that?
102
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,802
It's... it's not so much that I want to go.
103
00:03:36,804 --> 00:03:38,571
They want me there tweeting to promote it.
104
00:03:38,573 --> 00:03:40,106
It's a huge opportunity.
105
00:03:40,108 --> 00:03:42,174
Babe, your man is taking off.
106
00:03:42,176 --> 00:03:44,710
My star is rising, and nothing can stop me.
107
00:03:44,712 --> 00:03:46,479
So I told them maybe.
108
00:03:46,481 --> 00:03:49,081
Soft... soft maybe.
109
00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:51,717
Do people really care enough
about Twitter for you to do this?
110
00:03:51,719 --> 00:03:53,285
Yes, babe, not everyone
111
00:03:53,287 --> 00:03:55,054
still has that little egg
as their profile picture.
112
00:03:55,056 --> 00:03:56,655
I like the egg.
113
00:03:56,657 --> 00:03:58,958
Anyway, we just wanted to run
this past you before we commit.
114
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,292
Isn't this that thing that's like,
115
00:04:00,294 --> 00:04:01,961
the ridiculous variety show
116
00:04:01,963 --> 00:04:04,196
with a bunch of half-naked "performers,"
117
00:04:04,198 --> 00:04:06,165
trying to give heartfelt
speeches about having sex?
118
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,768
- Well, it's more prestigious...
- That's the one.
119
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,369
Sounds hilarious. Have a good time.
120
00:04:10,371 --> 00:04:11,670
Both: Really?
121
00:04:11,672 --> 00:04:12,905
Yeah.
122
00:04:12,907 --> 00:04:14,373
Who wouldn't want to go to that freak show?
123
00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:17,543
Uh, Trace, uh, there's
a thing in the kitchen.
124
00:04:17,545 --> 00:04:19,612
Could you some see the thing?
125
00:04:19,614 --> 00:04:20,646
What are you doing?
126
00:04:20,648 --> 00:04:22,348
You expect me to send my husband
127
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:24,049
into a den of professional sex people?
128
00:04:24,051 --> 00:04:25,551
Look, he says it's for his career.
129
00:04:25,553 --> 00:04:26,886
Don't you trust him?
130
00:04:26,888 --> 00:04:27,987
Oh, I trust him.
131
00:04:27,989 --> 00:04:29,455
It's just that he freaked out
132
00:04:29,457 --> 00:04:30,823
when he met our local weatherman,
133
00:04:30,825 --> 00:04:34,160
and I don't think he's ever pleasured
himself to the five-day forecast.
134
00:04:34,162 --> 00:04:35,695
Great job, marital GPS.
135
00:04:35,697 --> 00:04:37,897
You're about to steer us
into a four car pileup.
136
00:04:37,899 --> 00:04:39,265
Relax. We're taking surface streets,
137
00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:40,566
but we'll get there.
138
00:04:40,568 --> 00:04:43,969
Bottom line, a marriage
means nothing without trust.
139
00:04:43,971 --> 00:04:45,704
It doesn't matter what those other women do
140
00:04:45,706 --> 00:04:47,807
because we trust our men, right?
141
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,308
Yeah, you're right.
142
00:04:49,310 --> 00:04:50,676
I'm probably over thinking it.
143
00:04:50,678 --> 00:04:53,813
And besides, it's the
porn stars' night off.
144
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,415
The last thing they're
gonna want to do is work.
145
00:04:56,417 --> 00:04:58,851
Sweetie,
146
00:04:58,853 --> 00:05:01,153
I think it's great that you
have a big enough following
147
00:05:01,155 --> 00:05:02,521
that they want your tweets.
148
00:05:02,523 --> 00:05:04,423
- You should go.
- Are you serious?
149
00:05:04,425 --> 00:05:06,325
Act like you've been here before.
150
00:05:06,327 --> 00:05:08,327
Just don't bring anything home
151
00:05:08,329 --> 00:05:09,662
but Twitter followers,
152
00:05:09,664 --> 00:05:10,863
and lube samples.
153
00:05:10,865 --> 00:05:14,300
- Oh.
- What? I like free stuff.
154
00:05:14,302 --> 00:05:17,737
You have arrived at your
destination with lube.
155
00:05:22,894 --> 00:05:24,662
- Ladies' night!
- Okay!
156
00:05:24,664 --> 00:05:26,430
I got wine. I got cheese.
157
00:05:26,432 --> 00:05:27,598
Sadie's at the Goldman's.
158
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,633
How we gonna get wild? [gasps]
159
00:05:29,635 --> 00:05:31,702
We should make soap.
160
00:05:31,704 --> 00:05:33,671
We're never gonna do the soap making thing.
161
00:05:33,673 --> 00:05:35,139
Stop pushing it.
162
00:05:35,141 --> 00:05:36,874
That's what you said about
the seashell picture frame,
163
00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:38,075
and yet, that happened.
164
00:05:38,077 --> 00:05:41,312
That only happened because I was drunk.
165
00:05:41,314 --> 00:05:42,980
Cheers.
166
00:05:42,982 --> 00:05:44,715
We do have all night.
167
00:05:44,717 --> 00:05:46,817
The guys have dinner, the award show,
168
00:05:46,819 --> 00:05:48,986
and who knows how long
the after party's gonna go.
169
00:05:48,988 --> 00:05:50,721
- After party?
- Yeah.
170
00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,122
Says right there on the invite.
171
00:05:52,124 --> 00:05:53,123
Huh.
172
00:05:53,125 --> 00:05:54,625
Mitch didn't mention that.
173
00:05:54,627 --> 00:05:57,528
Well, it doesn't matter
though, because we trust.
174
00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:58,796
That's right.
175
00:05:58,798 --> 00:06:00,631
Look at you.
176
00:06:00,633 --> 00:06:03,033
And not only do I trust, I support.
177
00:06:03,035 --> 00:06:05,235
You know, I finally started
following Russell on Twitter.
178
00:06:05,237 --> 00:06:07,137
I followed him, my pastor,
179
00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:09,273
and Michelle Obama for about five minutes,
180
00:06:09,275 --> 00:06:11,709
but it was all nutritional foolishness.
181
00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:13,410
Are you really supporting Russell,
182
00:06:13,412 --> 00:06:15,612
or did you just figure out
that you can stalk him all night
183
00:06:15,614 --> 00:06:17,014
if you follow him on Twitter?
184
00:06:17,016 --> 00:06:19,350
Whose side are you on?
185
00:06:19,352 --> 00:06:22,386
I can't believe this. I
thought you said no vests.
186
00:06:22,388 --> 00:06:23,854
No, no, I laughed at
you for wearing a vest,
187
00:06:23,856 --> 00:06:26,757
- so that I could wear a vest.
- Check it out.
188
00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:28,192
I helped my son tie the knot,
189
00:06:28,194 --> 00:06:30,194
but he pulled out the tooth all by himself.
190
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:32,396
Aww, what a pint-size warrior.
191
00:06:32,398 --> 00:06:33,697
Hey, Russell, look at this.
192
00:06:33,699 --> 00:06:35,599
Never met your kid.
Not gonna care about it.
193
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:37,401
You know, when Sadie
lost her first tooth...
194
00:06:37,403 --> 00:06:39,937
No! No... no more kid talk.
195
00:06:39,939 --> 00:06:41,372
- This is a guy's night.
- Yes.
196
00:06:41,374 --> 00:06:43,674
- We're going to eat steaks.
- Mm.
197
00:06:43,676 --> 00:06:45,309
We're going to meet porn stars.
198
00:06:45,311 --> 00:06:46,510
Hello.
199
00:06:46,512 --> 00:06:48,212
And the only tiny humans
I want to hear about
200
00:06:48,214 --> 00:06:51,682
- are the ones in the fetish category.
- [all laughing]
201
00:06:51,684 --> 00:06:53,317
Hey, guys, do not ruin this.
202
00:06:53,319 --> 00:06:54,585
I need this.
203
00:06:54,587 --> 00:06:57,921
Last time Leanne let me out after dark
it was for a midnight run to Target.
204
00:06:57,923 --> 00:07:00,991
We just needed kitty litter,
but for 17 minutes I was free.
205
00:07:00,993 --> 00:07:03,127
But hey, man of the hour is Mitch.
206
00:07:03,129 --> 00:07:04,395
Once Leanne found out you were coming,
207
00:07:04,397 --> 00:07:06,063
she felt a lot better
about this whole outing.
208
00:07:06,065 --> 00:07:07,931
- Brianna too.
- What? Why?
209
00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:10,267
Because you make things
that our wives find wrong
210
00:07:10,269 --> 00:07:11,602
or sketchy seem totally fine.
211
00:07:11,604 --> 00:07:12,903
Yeah, oh, by the way,
212
00:07:12,905 --> 00:07:15,172
if Leanne asks, we are at a Lakers game.
213
00:07:15,174 --> 00:07:16,907
Even with Mitch here, she
would not have signed off
214
00:07:16,909 --> 00:07:18,209
on the Adult Film Awards.
215
00:07:18,211 --> 00:07:22,246
Guys, I am just so unhappy.
216
00:07:23,715 --> 00:07:25,916
Stop checking Russell's Twitter feed.
217
00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:28,085
Let's get back to our game.
218
00:07:28,087 --> 00:07:30,020
Ur turn. Truth or dare?
219
00:07:30,022 --> 00:07:31,689
No, because every time I say dare,
220
00:07:31,691 --> 00:07:33,090
you dare me to make soap.
221
00:07:33,092 --> 00:07:34,325
[phone whistles]
222
00:07:34,327 --> 00:07:36,794
What the hell? Some girl just
tweeted Russell her boobs!
223
00:07:36,796 --> 00:07:38,362
- What? Let me see.
- She's holding
224
00:07:38,364 --> 00:07:39,897
two Laugh Factory tickets
over the bull's-eyes,
225
00:07:39,899 --> 00:07:41,365
and check out the message.
226
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:43,000
"Loved your set on Thursday.
227
00:07:43,002 --> 00:07:45,369
Here's my set." #WordPlay?
228
00:07:45,371 --> 00:07:47,671
- [laughing]
- Why you laughing?
229
00:07:47,673 --> 00:07:49,573
I love wordplay.
230
00:07:49,575 --> 00:07:52,042
Ang, these are fan boobs, okay?
231
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:54,612
When Russell gets up on stage at
night, it's like he's everyone's date.
232
00:07:54,614 --> 00:07:55,679
That's his job.
233
00:07:55,681 --> 00:07:57,147
But it doesn't matter,
234
00:07:57,149 --> 00:07:59,683
because he comes home to you
235
00:07:59,685 --> 00:08:04,788
and your amazing, homemade soap.
236
00:08:04,790 --> 00:08:06,390
You're right. Makes sense.
237
00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:07,558
I'm cool.
238
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,692
[phone whistles]
239
00:08:08,694 --> 00:08:11,262
Oh, no, you did not
tweet again, Tits McGee!
240
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:13,163
"Would love a pic of you. Xoxo"?
241
00:08:13,165 --> 00:08:15,165
This heifer's getting
aggressive. I'm calling Russell.
242
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:18,802
Ok, no, come on, look, don't be that wife.
243
00:08:18,804 --> 00:08:20,904
We can't control what other women do.
244
00:08:20,906 --> 00:08:23,307
Besides, don't you believe in Russell?
245
00:08:23,309 --> 00:08:25,342
Yeah, yeah, he's the best.
246
00:08:25,344 --> 00:08:27,244
I found my soul mate.
Marriage is incredible.
247
00:08:27,246 --> 00:08:29,280
All right, seriously,
248
00:08:29,282 --> 00:08:31,282
it's not like Russell
replied to this "rando."
249
00:08:31,284 --> 00:08:34,618
He probably doesn't even
know that these boobs exist.
250
00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:36,487
Check out these boobs.
251
00:08:36,489 --> 00:08:37,755
Ooh!
252
00:08:37,757 --> 00:08:41,558
Oh, those did not breastfeed.
253
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,228
Okay, Mitch, see, this is
why you're the safe one.
254
00:08:44,230 --> 00:08:46,664
'Cause you're the guy that
sees boobs and thinks, "Milk."
255
00:08:46,666 --> 00:08:48,065
Whose are those?
256
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:49,366
Just some fan.
257
00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:51,402
I probably get a tweet like
this every couple weeks.
258
00:08:51,404 --> 00:08:53,404
Oh, you are so lucky.
259
00:08:53,406 --> 00:08:55,005
I prefer the boobs I have at home.
260
00:08:55,007 --> 00:08:57,708
- Ooh, you got a pic of those?
- Okay, Jim, I've struck you before.
261
00:08:57,710 --> 00:08:59,043
I will strike you again
262
00:08:59,045 --> 00:09:01,011
He did hit me.
263
00:09:01,013 --> 00:09:03,047
What does Angie say about all this?
264
00:09:03,049 --> 00:09:04,315
She's never on Twitter.
265
00:09:04,317 --> 00:09:06,617
No, Russell, you have to tell Angie.
266
00:09:06,619 --> 00:09:07,718
If you don't come clean,
267
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,486
those boobs could blow up in your face.
268
00:09:09,488 --> 00:09:11,021
That's not a bad way to go.
269
00:09:12,057 --> 00:09:13,357
That skank tweeted again!
270
00:09:13,359 --> 00:09:14,892
Ang, for the last time...
271
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:17,461
"Thanks for the hot pic," winky face?
272
00:09:17,463 --> 00:09:18,862
No, that means he...
273
00:09:18,864 --> 00:09:21,298
Yes, Russell sent her a pic.
274
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,300
He must've direct messaged her privately.
275
00:09:23,302 --> 00:09:25,069
But you don't think Russell
would actually cheat?
276
00:09:25,071 --> 00:09:30,207
No, but we both didn't think
Russell would actually reply.
277
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:32,876
Listen, when I first met
Russell, he was doing comedy sets
278
00:09:32,878 --> 00:09:34,445
on the patio of Omar's Falafel Pit.
279
00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:36,780
- Great hummus.
- But now he's starting to get big.
280
00:09:36,782 --> 00:09:37,948
He's blowing up on Twitter.
281
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:40,017
In a year, he could be
doing a gig in Portland,
282
00:09:40,019 --> 00:09:42,386
and some girl with glasses she doesn't need
283
00:09:42,388 --> 00:09:43,887
knocks on his hotel room door,
284
00:09:43,889 --> 00:09:46,657
with her own maple-flavored,
small batch ice cream,
285
00:09:46,659 --> 00:09:48,892
and a pair of these.
286
00:09:48,894 --> 00:09:51,362
Yeah, I trust him, but
how much can he take?
287
00:09:51,364 --> 00:09:53,797
Wow, you really painted a picture there.
288
00:09:53,799 --> 00:09:57,701
I mean, for God's sake, women
throw themselves at Marc Maron.
289
00:09:57,703 --> 00:09:58,969
[sighs]
290
00:09:58,971 --> 00:10:00,137
You say, "Trust your man."
291
00:10:00,139 --> 00:10:02,106
And I want to, but the fact is,
292
00:10:02,108 --> 00:10:04,542
we don't know what they're doing
when they're out of our sight.
293
00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:05,743
I don't know, Ang,
294
00:10:05,745 --> 00:10:07,478
I like to think we know
our husbands pretty well.
295
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,812
[chuckles]
296
00:10:08,814 --> 00:10:11,181
You don't even know what you don't know.
297
00:10:11,183 --> 00:10:12,283
Even Mitch,
298
00:10:12,285 --> 00:10:14,051
the ethics professor,
299
00:10:14,053 --> 00:10:16,086
failed to mention this little after party.
300
00:10:16,088 --> 00:10:17,288
I'm just saying.
301
00:10:17,290 --> 00:10:18,956
And now, our husbands
302
00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:20,791
are hanging out with porn stars.
303
00:10:20,793 --> 00:10:22,726
And not just any porn stars,
304
00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:26,163
potentially award-winning porn stars.
305
00:10:26,165 --> 00:10:29,667
[scoffs]
306
00:10:29,669 --> 00:10:31,335
Your fault.
307
00:10:31,337 --> 00:10:32,937
Somebody quiz me on the Lakers game.
308
00:10:32,939 --> 00:10:34,939
I got to have details for Leanne.
309
00:10:34,941 --> 00:10:38,943
Wait, did I say Lakers or Kings?
310
00:10:38,945 --> 00:10:40,544
I might have gone Kings.
311
00:10:40,546 --> 00:10:44,248
Oh, Jim, Jimmy, James.
312
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:45,716
I don't want to lecture you on marriage.
313
00:10:45,718 --> 00:10:47,852
- Yes, you do.
- Yeah, I kinda do.
314
00:10:47,854 --> 00:10:50,421
Look at you, stressing out.
315
00:10:50,423 --> 00:10:51,789
You know, situations
like this can be avoided
316
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,291
with a little thing that
I like to call honesty.
317
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:55,659
See, my wife knows
318
00:10:55,661 --> 00:10:57,328
exactly what I'm doing tonight.
319
00:10:57,330 --> 00:10:59,863
She expects me to come home
with a porn star selfie,
320
00:10:59,865 --> 00:11:02,166
and I can even get a little tipsy,
321
00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:04,902
which is why I just
ordered us another round.
322
00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,503
Boom.
323
00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:07,805
Did I just blow your minds?
324
00:11:07,807 --> 00:11:09,640
[phone ringing]
325
00:11:09,642 --> 00:11:12,009
Oh, one second, gentleman. That's my wife.
326
00:11:12,011 --> 00:11:14,912
Probably wondering why the
selfies aren't pouring in.
327
00:11:16,448 --> 00:11:17,982
Go for Mitch.
328
00:11:17,984 --> 00:11:19,917
- What's going on, babe?
- I don't know.
329
00:11:19,919 --> 00:11:22,920
What is going on?
330
00:11:22,922 --> 00:11:24,755
I'd have no way of knowing, would I?
331
00:11:24,757 --> 00:11:26,123
What?
332
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:27,892
How come you didn't tell
me about this after party?
333
00:11:27,894 --> 00:11:28,926
Well, where did you think
334
00:11:28,928 --> 00:11:30,227
we were gonna be taking those selfies?
335
00:11:30,229 --> 00:11:31,362
I mean, it's all part
of the same night, right?
336
00:11:31,364 --> 00:11:33,564
I guess,
337
00:11:33,566 --> 00:11:37,334
but remind me again why you
wanted to go to this thing.
338
00:11:37,336 --> 00:11:40,070
Uh, because someone I love
339
00:11:40,072 --> 00:11:41,872
said "Don't miss the freak show."
340
00:11:43,308 --> 00:11:44,875
Okay.
341
00:11:44,877 --> 00:11:47,611
All right, I mean...
342
00:11:47,613 --> 00:11:49,213
Babe, it sounds like you're
uncomfortable with this,
343
00:11:49,215 --> 00:11:51,181
and if you don't want me
to go, then I won't go.
344
00:11:51,183 --> 00:11:52,182
- Whoa! What?
- Excuse me?
345
00:11:52,184 --> 00:11:54,218
- Mother...
- No, you know what?
346
00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:55,319
I won't go.
347
00:11:55,321 --> 00:11:57,855
I love you.
348
00:11:57,857 --> 00:12:00,124
Well, I don't love you.
349
00:12:00,126 --> 00:12:01,425
I was very clear.
350
00:12:01,427 --> 00:12:03,327
- I need this!
- He needs it.
351
00:12:03,329 --> 00:12:06,397
Relax, we're going.
352
00:12:06,399 --> 00:12:08,666
But... didn't he...
353
00:12:08,668 --> 00:12:12,002
And then... 'cause...
354
00:12:12,004 --> 00:12:14,572
Congratulations, you broke Jim.
355
00:12:20,362 --> 00:12:23,010
Mitch, you're the only reason
we can go in the first place.
356
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,737
You're the safety seal
that lets our wives know
357
00:12:24,881 --> 00:12:27,035
that their Tylenol has
not been tampered with.
358
00:12:27,035 --> 00:12:29,836
- You the seal! The seal!
- Gentlemen, relax.
359
00:12:29,839 --> 00:12:32,340
Did I tell her I wouldn't go? Yes.
360
00:12:32,342 --> 00:12:33,941
Did I mean it? Sure.
361
00:12:33,943 --> 00:12:35,343
Will I go if she doesn't call back?
362
00:12:35,345 --> 00:12:36,510
I will not.
363
00:12:36,512 --> 00:12:38,579
Will you get to the point? Not likely.
364
00:12:38,581 --> 00:12:41,315
I know my wife. She'll call back.
365
00:12:41,317 --> 00:12:43,284
She just needed to hear
me say I wouldn't go,
366
00:12:43,286 --> 00:12:45,720
so she could call back and
give me permission to go.
367
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:48,089
So we are going to go.
368
00:12:48,091 --> 00:12:51,726
All those words are dumb.
369
00:12:51,728 --> 00:12:53,761
Look, I know you're gonna say I shouldn't,
370
00:12:53,763 --> 00:12:56,063
but I'm just gonna quickly log
on to Russell's Twitter account,
371
00:12:56,065 --> 00:12:57,465
and see the picture he sent this woman.
372
00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:58,633
I support that.
373
00:12:58,635 --> 00:12:59,834
You do?
374
00:12:59,836 --> 00:13:02,269
Yeah, little confession,
375
00:13:02,271 --> 00:13:03,871
I just called Mitch.
376
00:13:03,873 --> 00:13:04,972
You did?
377
00:13:04,974 --> 00:13:06,207
But you said, "Don't be that wife."
378
00:13:06,209 --> 00:13:07,708
What happened to the
"trust your man," lady?
379
00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,844
I was wrong about almost
everything tonight.
380
00:13:09,846 --> 00:13:11,112
Look, you were right.
381
00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,014
I don't know what I don't know.
382
00:13:13,016 --> 00:13:14,215
But I'll tell you what I do know.
383
00:13:14,217 --> 00:13:17,652
- We're logging on?
- Wait, we don't know his password.
384
00:13:17,654 --> 00:13:19,687
Well, I do. It's just
his three favorite things.
385
00:13:19,689 --> 00:13:21,455
Tupac, Adidas, chicken fingers.
386
00:13:22,691 --> 00:13:25,726
Meal's almost over and still no call.
387
00:13:25,728 --> 00:13:27,628
Relax, I know what I'm doing,
388
00:13:27,630 --> 00:13:29,063
and dessert's here.
389
00:13:29,065 --> 00:13:30,464
See? What you're doing is stalling.
390
00:13:30,466 --> 00:13:32,800
You think you can distract
us with this bull...
391
00:13:32,802 --> 00:13:35,002
All: Ooh! Oh!
392
00:13:36,217 --> 00:13:38,669
- You know what? I can't do this.
- What?
393
00:13:38,835 --> 00:13:39,973
It... it's not right.
394
00:13:39,976 --> 00:13:42,410
I, Angie, cannot look at this message.
395
00:13:42,412 --> 00:13:44,312
Wow, you're better than me.
396
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:46,847
I mean, we always suspected
it, but now we know.
397
00:13:46,849 --> 00:13:48,482
Listen to me.
398
00:13:48,484 --> 00:13:52,286
I, Angie, can't look at this message.
399
00:13:52,288 --> 00:13:56,490
But you, Tracy...
400
00:13:56,492 --> 00:14:00,661
Oh, 'cause I'm much worse.
401
00:14:00,663 --> 00:14:01,929
Yeah.
402
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:07,529
So far, all we've had tonight is
a delicious meal with our friends.
403
00:14:07,531 --> 00:14:09,531
Sucks!
404
00:14:09,533 --> 00:14:11,688
- She'll call.
- I hope she calls,
405
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,920
because Carl is gonna be arriving
in his Nissan Cube in five minutes.
406
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,255
Cancel the Uber, we're screwed.
407
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:18,556
Do not cancel that Uber.
408
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,358
She'll call. She's definitely gonna call.
409
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,660
Text her to call!
410
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,562
Whatever happens,
411
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:28,433
I, Tracy, am here for you.
412
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,502
Thank you.
413
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,671
Let's see this photo.
414
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,807
Aww!
415
00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:37,375
That's so sweet.
416
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,812
See? I knew we should've
just trusted our husbands.
417
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:44,382
I can't believe you looked.
418
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,483
GPS: In two miles, turn left
419
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,051
onto West Pico Boulevard.
420
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,454
We're in the Uber, Mitch, and yet, no call.
421
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,422
- [phone rigging]
- Oh, gentlemen,
422
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,758
guess who's calling? Hello?
423
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,193
Hey, it's Russell.
424
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:58,062
- Just making sure you had a signal.
- Just say it Mitch, she ain't gonna call.
425
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,098
We're not going. My life is over.
426
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,000
- [phone ringing]
- Hi, sweetie.
427
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,168
You're at the Lakers game.
428
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,470
Or the Kings.
429
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,071
You're at the Staples Center.
430
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,107
Are you sure?
431
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,408
Okay, all right, yeah.
432
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,276
I love you.
433
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:15,346
That was Tracy.
434
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:16,981
Oh, how's she doing?
435
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,617
How's Sadie? What did she say?
436
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,286
We... got the green light.
437
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:23,921
[all cheering]
438
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,758
That is how you navigate
a marriage, fellas.
439
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,794
One day you will get there, but
until then, happy to be your GPS.
440
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,028
You are the man, Mitch.
441
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:32,063
I never doubted you.
442
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,766
- I love you more than my brother.
- I mean, it wasn't so much navigating
443
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,567
as it was lying, but, hell,
444
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,736
- you get the job done.
- What? I didn't lie.
445
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:41,706
- Oh, to be clear, we don't mind you lying.
- Yeah, it's cool.
446
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:45,309
Just a little surprising coming from the
guy who repeatedly says he doesn't lie.
447
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,345
Apparently, also a lie.
448
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,847
In the restaurant, you told
your lady we weren't gonna go.
449
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:50,982
You hung up, then we went.
450
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:53,051
- All: Lie.
- I wasn't lying,
451
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,385
because I knew she would call back.
452
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,355
- Sounds like lying.
- Eyes on the road, Carl.
453
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,923
Look, you guys may not see it that way,
454
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,158
but that's not how Tracy and I see it,
455
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,259
so that's all that matters.
456
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,527
Is it me, or does it seem like
457
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,263
Mitch and Tracy are going
through a rough patch?
458
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,964
I'll prove it. I'm calling Tracy.
459
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,766
- No, no, no, we're convinced.
- You're not a liar.
460
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,334
What you're about to do, don't do that.
461
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,537
Hi, hon, yeah, the guys
and I were disagreeing
462
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,539
about something. I just
wanted to get your input.
463
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:17,141
Grab the phone and throw it out the window!
464
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,910
Carl, steer this Cube
into oncoming traffic.
465
00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,212
And I was sure that you would call back,
466
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,714
because that's how well I know you,
467
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,616
so I told the guys, "Let's
not change the plans."
468
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,202
In 0.4 miles, your destination
will be on the right.
469
00:16:28,203 --> 00:16:29,353
Yeah, yeah, we're almost there.
470
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:32,056
Because I knew you would
call back, and I was right.
471
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:34,626
We know each other. Ta-da!
472
00:16:34,628 --> 00:16:37,595
Hello? Trace?
473
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,032
She hung up on me.
474
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,868
Or maybe it was just a bad signal.
475
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,003
- [phone ringing]
- Oh, there she is.
476
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,305
Babe?
477
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:50,441
Nope, was trying to make
sure you had a good signal.
478
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,245
You do.
479
00:16:58,306 --> 00:16:59,940
In all the years of us knowing each other,
480
00:16:59,942 --> 00:17:01,875
she has never hung up on me.
481
00:17:01,877 --> 00:17:03,277
Guys, are we going or not?
482
00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:04,411
I just need to know if this is gonna be
483
00:17:04,413 --> 00:17:05,512
the best night of my life,
484
00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:07,180
or the last night of my life.
485
00:17:07,182 --> 00:17:09,917
I'm kidding.
486
00:17:09,919 --> 00:17:12,452
- But we're going, right?
- Oh, we're going.
487
00:17:12,454 --> 00:17:13,520
You heard him, Carl.
488
00:17:13,522 --> 00:17:15,022
Push this Cube to the limit!
489
00:17:15,024 --> 00:17:16,089
No, no, no, hold up, hold up.
490
00:17:16,091 --> 00:17:17,758
Carl, make a u-turn.
491
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:18,759
- What? What are you doing?
- No, no, no!
492
00:17:18,761 --> 00:17:20,561
Jimmy, I can't take this!
493
00:17:20,563 --> 00:17:21,862
We're going to Mitch's place.
494
00:17:21,864 --> 00:17:23,130
Why have you aligned yourself
495
00:17:23,132 --> 00:17:24,298
with the stupid white man?
496
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,301
Sorry to bring race into this.
497
00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:29,570
- It's just... you get caught up.
- Yeah, yeah.
498
00:17:30,772 --> 00:17:32,873
Russell, you don't have to...
499
00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:35,976
Look, Mitch, Mitch, ever
since I've known you,
500
00:17:35,978 --> 00:17:38,378
you've always given me relationship advice,
501
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:40,681
and I needed it, because when I was single
502
00:17:40,683 --> 00:17:42,916
I messed up a lot.
503
00:17:42,918 --> 00:17:44,851
But the one thing I learned
504
00:17:44,853 --> 00:17:46,420
is that when your girl is mad at you,
505
00:17:46,422 --> 00:17:48,589
you go fix it now.
506
00:17:48,591 --> 00:17:50,691
Because if you go out and have fun,
507
00:17:50,693 --> 00:17:52,492
and then ask for forgiveness later,
508
00:17:52,494 --> 00:17:56,129
you get your clothes set on fire.
509
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,667
How could you hang up on me?
510
00:18:00,669 --> 00:18:02,803
How could you lie to me?
511
00:18:02,805 --> 00:18:04,304
I didn't lie!
512
00:18:04,306 --> 00:18:05,672
How is nobody getting this?
513
00:18:05,674 --> 00:18:06,873
Let's recap.
514
00:18:06,875 --> 00:18:08,408
You say you're not
going to the porn awards,
515
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:09,710
but when I call back to say it's cool,
516
00:18:09,712 --> 00:18:11,645
you're basically already there.
517
00:18:11,647 --> 00:18:13,180
Yes, because I know you so well that...
518
00:18:13,182 --> 00:18:15,115
Oh, shut up.
519
00:18:15,117 --> 00:18:16,617
We've been giving advice
to our best friends all week
520
00:18:16,619 --> 00:18:18,785
like we're some kind of
perfect married couple,
521
00:18:18,787 --> 00:18:20,621
and then you go and pull this.
522
00:18:20,623 --> 00:18:24,424
I got to tell you something,
I would never lie to you.
523
00:18:24,426 --> 00:18:25,459
I have too much respect for you.
524
00:18:25,461 --> 00:18:26,960
Too much respect for us.
525
00:18:26,962 --> 00:18:30,497
Hey, Trace, I got the ball cock working.
526
00:18:30,499 --> 00:18:32,799
Is this gonna be cash like last time?
527
00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:35,936
Is that the plumber
528
00:18:35,938 --> 00:18:37,604
or just some guy you're having sex with?
529
00:18:37,606 --> 00:18:40,307
Which answer will make you less upset?
530
00:18:42,176 --> 00:18:44,545
[whispering] Plumber.
531
00:18:44,547 --> 00:18:46,180
Can you see inside the house?
532
00:18:46,182 --> 00:18:47,814
What's going on?
533
00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:49,283
Man, I don't know.
534
00:18:49,285 --> 00:18:50,884
Carl's stupid windows are tinted.
535
00:18:50,886 --> 00:18:52,386
Well, excuse me for providing you
536
00:18:52,388 --> 00:18:54,221
with privacy and UV protection.
537
00:18:54,223 --> 00:18:57,691
Oh!
538
00:18:57,693 --> 00:18:59,860
Hey, guys, nice Uber.
539
00:18:59,862 --> 00:19:00,961
She gets it.
540
00:19:02,263 --> 00:19:03,530
Hey, babe.
541
00:19:03,532 --> 00:19:04,965
Hey, I saw you out here
542
00:19:04,967 --> 00:19:07,367
and I just wanted to come
tell you to have a good time,
543
00:19:07,369 --> 00:19:09,503
and I love you.
544
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:11,004
Is this you or the wine talking?
545
00:19:11,006 --> 00:19:13,206
Yes.
546
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:17,811
You're the best.
547
00:19:17,813 --> 00:19:19,513
I get boobs!
548
00:19:20,515 --> 00:19:22,182
What?
549
00:19:22,184 --> 00:19:24,051
I mean, not like I understand boobs,
550
00:19:24,053 --> 00:19:26,353
I mean, I do understand
boobs, but I get them.
551
00:19:26,355 --> 00:19:28,722
I mean, I receive breasts.
552
00:19:28,724 --> 00:19:31,058
Fans who are female
553
00:19:31,060 --> 00:19:33,660
sometimes tweet me
pictures of their breasts,
554
00:19:33,662 --> 00:19:36,597
and I just wanted to let you know.
555
00:19:36,599 --> 00:19:40,067
Well, that seems like a work thing, right?
556
00:19:40,069 --> 00:19:43,036
Right, exactly.
557
00:19:43,038 --> 00:19:47,674
Ang, any woman could make my night.
558
00:19:47,676 --> 00:19:50,377
I found the woman that makes my life.
559
00:19:50,379 --> 00:19:51,545
Aww!
560
00:19:51,547 --> 00:19:55,015
Oh, I'm so jealous of what they have.
561
00:19:56,818 --> 00:19:58,385
Well, have fun, guys.
562
00:19:58,387 --> 00:20:00,120
But when you get home,
563
00:20:00,122 --> 00:20:04,391
I'd like to do some stuff with you.
564
00:20:06,394 --> 00:20:08,395
Uh, guys?
565
00:20:08,397 --> 00:20:09,396
- Yep.
- Course.
566
00:20:09,398 --> 00:20:12,099
- See you tomorrow.
- All right!
567
00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:14,434
Okay, I lied.
568
00:20:14,436 --> 00:20:16,270
I'm willing to admit that.
569
00:20:16,272 --> 00:20:18,705
But you have to admit that
there is something special
570
00:20:18,707 --> 00:20:20,607
about the fact that I know you so well,
571
00:20:20,609 --> 00:20:22,709
and you know me so well,
or else you wouldn't have
572
00:20:22,711 --> 00:20:24,278
hired that plumber, and I get it.
573
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,780
I am fine with it. Is he here a lot?
574
00:20:26,782 --> 00:20:28,815
[car horn honking]
575
00:20:28,817 --> 00:20:30,951
How do you really feel
about this porn thing?
576
00:20:30,953 --> 00:20:32,953
Honestly?
577
00:20:32,955 --> 00:20:34,454
Slide over, gentlemen.
578
00:20:34,456 --> 00:20:36,557
All: Yeah! Porn!
579
00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:37,958
Porn! Porn! Porn!
580
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,083
Porn! Porn! Porn!
581
00:20:41,716 --> 00:20:43,549
Hi, guys.
582
00:20:43,551 --> 00:20:46,586
I was chanting, "Corn!"
583
00:20:47,499 --> 00:20:48,521
Russell texted me.
584
00:20:48,523 --> 00:20:50,657
Apparently he and Angie
are making their own movie.
585
00:20:50,659 --> 00:20:52,992
So Tracy's gonna take his spot.
586
00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:55,828
So she's going to the, uh...
587
00:20:57,065 --> 00:20:58,831
Porn! Porn!
588
00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,133
Porn! Porn!
589
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:02,468
All: Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!
590
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:05,505
This is the greatest night of my life!