1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,598 - Hey, buddy. - Hi, Uncle Charlie. 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,558 - Ready for a fun weekend? - He's not gonna have a fun weekend. 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,359 Charlie, he's gonna study for a history test on Monday. 4 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:13,116 Well, if believing that gets you back in your car, I'll play along. 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,832 - Where's Alan? - He's not here. 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,718 Really? I told him I was on my way. 7 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,757 That might be why he's not here. 8 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,354 Okay, I'll just have to go over everything with you. 9 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:23,999 I'm gonna visit my parents. 10 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:27,436 I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday. Alan has to take him to school. 11 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:28,874 Monday is soccer practice. 12 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,759 He has his math tutor and his guitar teacher on Tuesday... 13 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:32,989 Hang on. Hang on. 14 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,757 Oh, hi, Judith. 15 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,070 Alan, why are you avoiding me? 16 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,711 - I'm not avoiding you as much as... - Hiding. 17 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,516 - Thank you. - Why were you hiding? 18 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,116 Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? 19 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,398 Why does the helpless piglet hide from ravenous wolverine? 20 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,114 Animal Planet. 21 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,516 You learn a lot. 22 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,355 We need to talk about your pain-in-the-ass mother. 23 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,873 You know, I would love to... 24 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:17,669 ...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here. - I let her take Jake out to dinner. 25 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,549 She brought him home and she lectured me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears. 26 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,712 - Fifteen minutes, huh? - How long is this gonna take? 27 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,108 Like I'm a bad parent. 28 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,272 Let her try and get a Q-Tip in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear. 29 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,591 Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips. She had a squirt gun. 30 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,354 You know, the woolly meerkat of western Africa... 31 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,637 ...buries her cubs up to their necks and licks their ears clean. 32 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,111 What? It seemed apropos. 33 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,748 If she wants to spend time with her grandson... 34 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,150 ...she needs to back off. - Okay, I'll tell her. 35 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,232 - Thank you. - I'll tell Alan you stopped by. 36 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,349 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 37 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,034 - I don't remember. - You just read that chapter. 38 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,272 Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago. 39 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,989 Thanks for the ride, Sally. 40 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,597 And for getting me home too. 41 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,957 - Why is that funny? - It's not. 42 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,112 Mustang Sally, giddyup. 43 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,471 Now, Lewis and Clark. 44 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,756 Face it, Dad, I'm just not good at history. 45 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,990 Really? What did you have for lunch yesterday? 46 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,957 A pizza square. Actually, two pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich... 47 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,918 ...and a bag of Skittles. - Okay, see, that's history. 48 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,116 And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer. 49 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,477 - Great. - Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong. 50 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,358 - It was a Ho Ho. - Got it. 51 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,795 You know what I like? Those big, pink things with coconut. 52 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,669 - Snow Balls? - Exactly. Can you still get those? 53 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,638 Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven. 54 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,756 Thank you. 55 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,480 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 56 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,671 No, we are trying to study. 57 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,398 All right, I'll hoof it. 58 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,550 - Can I bring you back something? - Ding Dong. 59 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,597 Who's there? 60 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,796 I'm trying to get him ready for his test. 61 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:18,829 Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead. I'll pretend I'm not here. 62 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,599 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 63 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,079 Louisiana Purchase. 64 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,158 - Right. - I knew that. 65 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,311 Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first. 66 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,710 And I'm still buzzed. 67 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,592 - Okay, give me another question. - All right. 68 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,558 Seward's Folly is another name for? 69 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:42,994 - Jake? - Alaska. 70 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,711 - Very good. - Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward. 71 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,598 Okay, the score is 1 to 1. 72 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:53,159 Now that you mention it... 73 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,914 ...an Eskimo Pie would go down pretty good right now. 74 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,398 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 75 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,553 No, next question: 76 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,553 - The War of 1812... - 1812. 77 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,794 - No. - 1813. 78 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,674 Let me finish the question. 79 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,400 The War of 1812 was fought against whom? 80 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,835 - The British. - Very good, 2 to 1, Jake. 81 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,197 - Yes. - No fair. My buzzer's broken. 82 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,477 - Next question. - Let me try yours. 83 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,957 See? His works. 84 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,595 All right, contestants, we are at the final round. 85 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,079 The questions are worth more. 86 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,959 - And the answers are harder. - True. 87 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,635 - Wait for a question. - Okay. 88 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,997 Here we go. Name three changes in American life... 89 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,230 ...brought about by the industrial revolution. 90 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:55,354 Populations shift to cities, employment moving from farms to factories, and... 91 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,712 - Yes? - Sorry, I hit it by mistake. 92 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,911 - Settlement of the West. - That's correct. 93 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,196 - You are our new champion. - Yes. 94 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,635 Settlement of the West. 95 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,315 - You see, Jake? You know this stuff. - Yeah, I guess I do. 96 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,711 - Trust me, you are gonna do great. - Yeah, thanks, Dad. 97 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,757 You're welcome. Now go get ready for bed. 98 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,754 - I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in. - Okey-dokey. 99 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,991 Oh, I gotta get a security camera. 100 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,230 Where's your brother? I wanna talk to him. 101 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,039 - He's not here. - Oh, really? 102 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,112 No, he's actually not here. 103 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:42,032 You know what his ex-wife said to me? 104 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,111 Mom, please go away. 105 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,953 She never calls me "Mom," but that was the gist of it. 106 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,708 I took Jake out to dinner... 107 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,075 - You're pretending not to understand me. - Right. 108 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,708 And all I did was suggest to Judith... 109 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,793 ...that she might wanna pay a little more attention to her son's ear hygiene. 110 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,315 Not only was she completely unappreciative... 111 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,711 ...but she had the nerve to denigrate how I raised my sons. 112 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,997 Yeah, because we turned out so well. 113 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,914 Excuse me, but whatever emotional issues you think you have... 114 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,913 ...I kept your ears spotless. 115 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,116 I remember. You used the same Super Soaker... 116 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,430 ...to keep us off the furniture. 117 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,318 Ladies and gentlemen... 118 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:25,873 ...presenting noted scholar and A-student, Jake Harper. 119 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,599 - You got an A? - I got an A. 120 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,877 - All right. Way to go. - Congratulations, Jake. 121 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:37,636 - Thanks. It's my first A this year. - Really? Well, it's none too soon then. 122 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,950 - Mom, leave it alone. - I'm not saying anything. 123 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,032 I think it's wonderful. Did anybody else in your class get an A? 124 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,713 Almost everybody. Why? 125 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,269 Oh, I was just curious as to how hard the test was. 126 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,158 It doesn't matter, Mom. Still an A. 127 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,676 An A is very nice. I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss... 128 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,116 ...if they're just handing them out like rubella vaccinations. 129 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,669 I don't know. It looks like a pretty hard test to me. 130 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,875 - No, it was easy. - That's because you studied. 131 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,429 - You earned that A. - Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 132 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,750 You hear that? Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 133 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,309 Wendy Chow is a freak of nature. 134 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,914 She cloned a goldfish for the science fair. 135 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,433 We can't compare Jake to her. 136 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,990 Who should we compare him to then? The paste eaters and the unibrows? 137 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,838 Darling, if you set the bar low in childhood... 138 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,275 ...he may never reach the heights he's capable of. 139 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,318 You're condemning him to a life of failure and mediocrity. 140 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,677 Is that what you want, Jake? A life of failure and mediocrity? 141 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,279 No. 142 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,476 You see? He may well be sharper than you give him credit for. 143 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,992 I'm gonna go to my room. 144 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,830 I am putting that A-paper up on the fridge. 145 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,310 Wow. Texas used to be a separate country. 146 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,677 Why did we change that? 147 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,352 Not now, Charlie. How dare you? 148 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,434 - Excuse me? - He worked hard on that test. 149 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,637 He was finally feeling good about himself and his abilities... 150 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,711 ...and in 30 seconds you managed to suck... 151 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,713 ...every bit of self-esteem out of him. You're like a... 152 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,394 - A self-esteem sucker. - Yes, exactly. 153 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,954 Alan, I was just having a conversation with the boy. 154 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,634 No. No, you don't have conversations. You... 155 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,109 Suck self-esteem. 156 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,196 I would've gotten it. 157 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:25,956 Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think I want you around my son anymore. 158 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,596 - What? - You heard me. 159 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:29,875 You will not do to him... 160 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,918 ...what you did to me and Charlie. - What did I do to you? 161 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,311 What did you do? What did she...? Charlie, tell her. 162 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,957 Why tell her when we can show her? 163 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,236 I see. So you're both turning against me. 164 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,233 Oh, I turned a long time ago. 165 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,634 Alan's just catching up. 166 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,670 All right, fine. 167 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,400 If I'm not welcome here... 168 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:03,834 ...I'll leave. 169 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,954 My own sons are throwing me out. 170 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,352 Goodbye. 171 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,471 This isn't over, is it? 172 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,556 No, we're screwed. 173 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,111 Let me guess. Mom? 174 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,238 She's been calling all morning. I'm starting to feel guilty. 175 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:39,029 You can't show weakness, Alan. She'll sense it. 176 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,509 Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat... 177 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,318 ...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat. 178 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,596 But don't you feel even a bit sorry for her? 179 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,832 Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden-snake? 180 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:56,552 Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby? 181 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,115 - You guys okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 182 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,918 We're fine. Why? 183 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,311 Your mother just called me. She said she's been trying to reach you... 184 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,198 ...all morning and she's very worried. 185 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,396 - We're fine, Rose. - We're not talking to her. 186 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:14,712 Why? Because she tried to encourage Jake to live up to his potential? 187 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,758 That's a reason to throw her out and slam the door in her face? 188 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,509 How could you be so cruel to your own mother? 189 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,789 And the dingo has found another Australian baby. 190 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,237 Rose, that's not what happened. 191 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,719 We were protecting Jake. 192 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,111 How? By ripping his only grandmother out of his life? 193 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,955 - He has another grandmother. - Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak. 194 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,230 Is that what she told you? 195 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,311 For the record, Jake's other grandmother... 196 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,436 ...is out of rehab and doing just fine. 197 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:51,038 We appreciate your concern, Rose. Thanks for stopping by. 198 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,475 So now you're just gonna slam the door in my face? 199 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,392 Pretty much. 200 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,429 Not as satisfying with a glass door. 201 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,350 Okay, first she starts with the phone calls... 202 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,750 ...then she sent Rose over. I wonder what's next. 203 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,480 I don't know, but I'm betting it'll be something big. 204 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,636 Right. I understand, it's terrible. 205 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,837 Okay, let me see what I can do about it. 206 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,798 How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number? 207 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,191 Sometimes, when the nest is threatened... 208 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,831 ... the seemingly docile creatures have been known to eat their own young. 209 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,037 Hey, did Mom call you at the office today? 210 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,599 No, she call here? 211 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:43,231 - No, it's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, maybe too quiet. 212 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,996 And here we see the female praying-mantis... 213 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,550 ... after copulation, devouring her mate. 214 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,837 Your ex-wife back from her parents'? 215 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,434 Yeah, I dropped Jake off with her this afternoon. 216 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,114 Apparently her mom had a little relapse with the pills. 217 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,077 - Oh, yeah? - They found her in pajamas... 218 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:04,358 ...driving an imaginary car through the home and garden section of Wal-Mart. 219 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,320 How could they tell if she was driving an imaginary car? 220 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,552 She rolled down the window to ask for directions to the pharmacy. 221 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,638 - Here we witness the... - Not Mom. 222 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,117 Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper. 223 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,033 What? I see. 224 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,952 Okay, then. Thanks for letting me know. 225 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,070 - Who was that? - St. John's Hospital. 226 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,994 Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties. 227 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,515 - Oh, my God. - Ever wonder who was the first guy... 228 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,035 ...to put pineapple on pizza? 229 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,030 I bet he was gay. 230 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,670 - Charlie... - No straight guy is gonna say: 231 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,638 "You know what this pizza could use? A pineapple ring." 232 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,755 God bless him. It's good. 233 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,353 Charlie, is Mom okay? 234 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,351 Of course she's okay. She's faking. 235 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,478 - How can you be so sure? - It really doesn't make any difference. 236 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,712 If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins. 237 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,711 If she's not faking, and we ignore her... 238 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,189 ...she complains about what horrible sons we are... 239 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:10,713 ...and she still wins. 240 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,440 What if she's not faking and she dies? 241 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,914 Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full. 242 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,351 I can't help thinking this is all my fault. 243 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,717 I told Mom she couldn't see her grandson and she had a heart attack. 244 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,950 Alan, you forget who you're dealing with. 245 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,634 This woman buried two husbands and divorced two others. 246 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,836 She's lived through wars, riots, earthquakes. 247 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,993 Only way you're gonna bring her down is with a stake dipped in holy water. 248 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,072 Here we are. 249 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,271 Oh, my God. Mommy? 250 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,714 Excuse me? 251 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,836 - Are you family? - Yeah, we're her sons. 252 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,389 Is she gonna be okay? Tell me she's gonna be okay. 253 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,632 Your mother's gonna be fine. I can't find a thing wrong with her. 254 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,518 - Are you sure? - As sure as I can be. 255 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,272 Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine. 256 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,317 Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal. 257 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,472 - Oh, thank God. - That bitch. 258 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,919 Yeah, tell me about it. 259 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,275 Excuse me. I'm gonna tell her she can go home. 260 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,512 - Oh, no, please, let us. - Yeah, we owe her that. 261 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,240 Suit yourself. Oh, better hurry, though. 262 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,834 The nurses are circulating a"do not revive" petition. 263 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,550 - You said there was nothing wrong. - It's a big hospital. 264 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,392 Things happen. 265 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,359 What do we do now? 266 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,512 Don't worry. I got a plan. 267 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,318 Oh, great, he has a plan. 268 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,474 Mom? 269 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,913 Charlie? Is that you? 270 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,718 Alan's here too, Mom. 271 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,759 - Hi, Mom. - Boys, you didn't have to come. 272 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,318 Are you kidding? Of course we did. 273 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,869 - Right, Alan? - Of course. 274 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,109 Tell us what happened. 275 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,114 I came home this afternoon, alone. 276 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,151 I was walking up the stairs... 277 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,278 ...alone. 278 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,112 And I had trouble breathing... 279 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,190 ...so I drove myself to the hospital... 280 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,314 ...alone. 281 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,472 - Well, why did you drive yourself? - Oh, I didn't wanna bother... 282 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,790 ...the ambulance people. 283 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:27,315 Why didn't you call us? 284 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:34,592 Oh, you both made it very clear how you feel about me. 285 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,193 Now, that's not fair. 286 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,954 Just tell Jake... 287 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,237 ...his Grandmommy loves him very much. 288 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,753 Don't talk like that. 289 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,434 You can tell him yourself, after the operation. 290 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,953 What operation? 291 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,317 Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses are routine these days. 292 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,038 - Quadruple? - Yeah, yeah. 293 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,998 You got four clogged arteries. Right, Alan? 294 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,357 Right, the doctor said it's lucky you came when you did. 295 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:07,149 Another few days and you'd have been flopping around on the floor like a carp. 296 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,275 It's no big deal, Mom. They crack open you open... 297 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,432 ...flush out the pipes, sew you back up and you're good as new. 298 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,558 Except, you know, for the big, gnarly scar on your chest. 299 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,278 They're prepping the OR. 300 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,396 We got the best surgeon available. 301 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,834 He's young but really sharp. 302 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,752 And well-respected in his own country. 303 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,118 Well, all right. 304 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,989 If it has to be done, it has to be done. 305 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,551 I love you, boys. 306 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,077 If the worst should happen... 307 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,757 ...please remember that. 308 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,594 - Yeah. Sure. - Of course. 309 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,951 Oh, my God, Evelyn Are you all right? 310 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,669 Oh, Judith, is that you? 311 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,077 Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too. 312 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,913 Oh, Jake. Come to Grandmommy, darling. 313 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,638 I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma. 314 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,918 Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better now that her little man is here. 315 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:20,151 - I made you a get-well card. - Oh, isn't that nice. 316 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,753 Gift shop wasn't open? 317 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,190 You said you had a plan. Well, guess what? It was a bad plan. 318 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,430 - Alan, calm down. - The plan sucked. 319 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,554 - Don't worry. - Don't worry? 320 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,712 She's expecting a quadruple bypass. What are we gonna do? 321 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,552 We're gonna get her one. 322 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,359 Must be someone around here who can handle a rib spreader. 323 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,272 - Charlie, that's insane. - You're right. 324 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,715 There's no time. Better scrub up. 325 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,597 She had to drive herself to the hospital? What is wrong with you two? 326 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,320 - Relax, Judith. She's not sick. - What? 327 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,517 She's faking and we called her bluff, and then she called ours. 328 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,035 So now, we're gonna have to cut her open. 329 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,078 You want in? 330 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,836 Hey, guess what? After Grandma's operation... 331 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,230 ...she's gonna take me to Magic Mountain, okay? 332 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,198 Yeah, yeah, that's okay. We're gonna have to tell her. 333 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,191 You sure? We don't need to do the bypass. 334 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,191 All we do is put her out, slice her open. 335 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,352 - The scar will sell it. - The truth, Charlie. 336 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,111 Doesn't have to be a big scar. 337 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,874 Okay, doctor, let's schedule this as quickly as possible. 338 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,554 Oh, great. I'll be here. 339 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,517 Hello, boys. 340 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,278 - What are you doing? - Lf I'm going to have to have surgery... 341 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,793 ...I want my own doctor. 342 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,269 Mom, you don't really need a surgeon. 343 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,829 Oh, but I do. 344 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,673 Your quadruple bypass story makes the perfect cover... 345 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,558 ...for a little nip tuck. 346 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,995 No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right? 347 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,000 About Jake. I told him I'd take him to Magic Mountain... 348 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,549 ...but you know how I feel about direct sunlight. 349 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,676 Yeah, and wolfbane. 350 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,670 You'll take him for me, won't you, Charlie? 351 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,558 - Sure, Mom. - I'll make it up to him... 352 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,110 ...by taking him out for a haircut and some decent clothes. 353 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,999 - He'll like that. - Sure, Mom. 354 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,549 Maybe when his mother sees how nice he could look... 355 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,030 ...she'll take the hint and stop dressing him like a tackling dummy. 356 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,788 Oh, the food here is just dreadful. 357 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,030 So why don't you boys run across the street... 358 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,679 ...and get me a nice ahi tuna... 359 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,796 Charlie, what in God's name are you doing? 360 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,791 Just practicing. 361 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,076 The worker bees, or drones... 362 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,550 ... live a life of utter devotion to their queen. 363 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,230 You had a plan. 364 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,797 From birth, these industrious yet mindless creatures... 365 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,428 ... slave away to fulfill the queen 's every need. 366 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,996 "Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan." 367 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:52,911 Until finally they reach the end of their brief lifespan and die... 368 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,072 ... becoming food and building materials for the rest of the hive. 369 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:00,153 Alan, where's my sandwich? 370 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,876 Coming, Mom. 371 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:09,238 A cruel existence? Perhaps. But that's life on the Animal Planet. 372 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,351 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 373 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,511 [ENGLISH] 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net