1
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,028
Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.

2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,392
Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.

3
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,672
You mean me?

4
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,912
Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.

5
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,355
What am I supposed to do?

6
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,636
- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.

7
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,916
- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.

8
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:24,957
- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.

9
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:26,792
Who's the moron now?

10
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,431
Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.

11
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,672
There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.

12
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,876
Dial this number, and ask for Coop.

13
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,914
Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.

14
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,872
Do I get to make
some picks this time?

15
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,038
- You got money?
- Lf you pay me what you owe me.

16
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,198
Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.

17
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,837
- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.

18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,395
- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?

19
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,238
Got a hunch.

20
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,837
You've got him thinking about college?

21
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:04,555
You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?

22
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,351
Sit down,
I have to tell you something.

23
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,033
What?

24
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,471
The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.

25
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,036
- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...

26
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,272
...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.

27
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,993
What procedure?

28
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,033
A colonoscopy.

29
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,834
Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.

30
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,673
They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.

31
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,278
Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...

32
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,116
...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"...

33
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,510
...as opposed to "shove."

34
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,518
Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.

35
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,274
- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?

36
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:47,799
No, you crazy?

37
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,157
But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.

38
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,959
In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.

39
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,678
Besides, you're unconscious.

40
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,555
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.

41
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,076
- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.

42
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,755
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.

43
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,912
Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.

44
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,599
- Damn it.
- What?

45
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,273
The sink's stopped up again.

46
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,671
That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.

47
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,039
- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.

48
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,795
If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.

49
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,432
How about that?

50
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,355
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.

51
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,112
Pirate ships?

52
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,032
Full-service gas stations.

53
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,438
I fail to see the connection.

54
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,390
Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.

55
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,910
Dipsticks being pulled out.

56
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,038
Do I have to draw you a picture?

57
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,834
You know what?

58
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,195
You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.

59
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,631
Come on! Get in there, you sucker!

60
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,835
Easy for you to say.

61
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:57,754
How about this?

62
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,912
How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?

63
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,879
Just like that? What about Jake?

64
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,230
Oh, yeah, Jake.

65
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,597
Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...

66
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,149
...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.

67
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,196
- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...

68
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,079
...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...

69
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,913
...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.

70
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,272
It just won't go in.

71
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,113
- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.

72
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,989
And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.

73
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,269
Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.

74
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,749
Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.

75
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,518
Perfect, now I can't get it out.

76
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,676
You know what? Why not?
One way or another...

77
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,673
...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.

78
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,633
Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.

79
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,551
Pinky? Berta.

80
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,759
Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.

81
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:07,753
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.

82
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,751
One for Alan Harper and son...

83
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,833
...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.

84
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,112
No, I don't want connecting rooms.

85
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,271
Weren't you listening?

86
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,153
In fact, put mine on a different floor.

87
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,237
Come on, let's go.

88
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,874
Now, what's playing
in your showroom?

89
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,873
<i>Nude Legends on Ice.</i> Sweet.

90
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,071
Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...

91
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,231
...but is it a family show?

92
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,272
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?

93
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,195
All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.

94
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,951
- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.

95
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,518
- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.

96
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,197
- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.

97
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,677
All right, we'll pick some up there.

98
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,155
They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.

99
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,112
What's going on? Aren't you ready?

100
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,714
- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?

101
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,275
- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.

102
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,836
- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.

103
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:23,190
Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.

104
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,631
- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.

105
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,677
What if we take him someplace nice?

106
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,273
Take him someplace nice?

107
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,517
Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.

108
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,554
- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.

109
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,228
- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.

110
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,238
Now, come on. Let's go.

111
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,154
- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?

112
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,873
I changed the phone message...

113
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,350
...to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...

114
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:56,115
...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...

115
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,788
...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...

116
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,791
...and I erased an old <i>Mad Libs</i> book...

117
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,428
...so we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.

118
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,794
- <i>Mad Libs,</i> huh?
- Yeah.

119
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,359
Let me see that.

120
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,239
Go get packed!

121
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,318
Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.

122
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,519
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.

123
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,153
How does that help me?

124
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,198
I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.

125
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,033
Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...

126
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,079
...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.

127
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,075
Well, then you know how irritating it is.

128
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,431
- Blackjack.
- That's it?

129
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,312
Yep. You owe me another dollar.

130
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,516
- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?

131
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,472
Just deal the cards.

132
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,240
Attaboy.

133
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,638
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?

134
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,274
- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...

135
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,635
...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.

136
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,510
- And?
- I don't believe it.

137
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,071
Believe it.

138
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,632
Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?

139
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,917
- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?

140
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,193
- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?

141
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:24,637
Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.

142
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,353
- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.

143
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,230
Well, the house always takes a cut.

144
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,514
- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.

145
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,790
Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."

146
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,791
If you want a card, you go like this.

147
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,592
Okay, fine.

148
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,309
- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?

149
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,398
You go like this.

150
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,871
That's what I meant to do.

151
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,788
There's no do-overs in Vegas.

152
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,195
What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?

153
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,630
There is no signal,
you just get up and go.

154
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,156
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.

155
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,716
- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...

156
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,269
...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.

157
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,197
I have to do math and pee my pants?

158
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,428
Alan, are you ready yet?

159
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:24,914
Just about.

160
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:29,079
- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.

161
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,357
- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.

162
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,110
I don't wanna look, but I gotta.

163
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,917
In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.

164
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,436
- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.

165
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,711
Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.

166
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,838
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.

167
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,195
Now you made me lose count.

168
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,197
Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.

169
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,828
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?

170
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,358
- I have a system.
- Do tell.

171
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,472
I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.

172
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,432
The first one is for day one.

173
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,113
That I'll put in my money belt.

174
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,875
You're wearing a money belt?

175
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,632
Oh, good, you can't tell.

176
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,438
I was afraid it made me look chunky.

177
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,835
Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...

178
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,197
...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...

179
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,237
...which would be
the start of day two.

180
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,035
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?

181
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,472
That's the most important pile.

182
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,792
That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.

183
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,877
- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it...

184
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,112
...so that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...

185
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,239
...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.

186
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,874
- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?

187
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,399
Yeah. That's a nice boot.

188
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,357
- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.

189
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,751
Get dressed and let's go!

190
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,392
Okay.

191
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,272
- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.

192
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,471
Oh, 27.

193
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,069
Close, 29.

194
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,273
Okay, I'm good.

195
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,149
Alrighty.

196
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,394
Viva Las Vegas.

197
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,510
- Oh, Alan.
- What?

198
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,109
We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.

199
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,113
Should I change?

200
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,513
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.

201
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,870
- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.

202
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,349
- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.

203
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,795
Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.

204
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,196
Get in the car. Jake, come on.

205
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:19,353
- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?

206
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,991
Okay, let's go.

207
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,915
- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.

208
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,231
Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?

209
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,034
So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.

210
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,513
They built that city on a sea of vomit.

211
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,760
- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.

212
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,919
You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?

213
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,510
He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.

214
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,592
- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.

215
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,990
- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.

216
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,991
What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?

217
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,594
Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...

218
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,594
...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.

219
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,399
That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.

220
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:18,269
Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.

221
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:24,072
Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.

222
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,033
Okay, it's not what he ate.

223
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,672
Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.

224
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,269
That explains the orange vomit.

225
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,879
It's probably a stomach virus.

226
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,832
Oh, please. I throw up all the time.

227
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,276
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."

228
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,233
- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.

229
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,198
- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.

230
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,830
I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.

231
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,237
You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.

232
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,358
I'll get it.

233
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,118
Hello? Hey, Mom.

234
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,150
Fine. Nothing.

235
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,510
I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...

236
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:09,070
...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!

237
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,512
What kind of a father are you?

238
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,518
I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.

239
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,473
But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.

240
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,429
It's really a family town now.

241
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:25,315
The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.

242
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,835
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.

243
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,031
Were you planning on
telling me about this?

244
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,595
What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.

245
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,952
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.

246
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,192
- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.

247
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,516
Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?

248
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:44,438
- What bets?
- Who's Coop?

249
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,234
Go lie down. You're delirious.

250
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,433
Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.

251
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:54,959
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

252
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,230
- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.

253
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,356
Let me finish.

254
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,317
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...

255
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,511
Charlie, don't. It's personal.

256
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:04,999
She has a right to know.

257
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,472
Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.

258
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,875
Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?

259
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,989
Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.

260
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,590
- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.

261
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:24,271
- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.

262
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,754
That's it?

263
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,875
Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.

264
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,150
Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...

265
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,311
...and his head was
the same size it is now.

266
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,390
That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?

267
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,511
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.

268
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,036
- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.

269
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,875
Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick...

270
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,634
...so you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.

271
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,195
He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.

272
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,470
I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.

273
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,551
And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...

274
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,029
...you'll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.

275
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,833
I've seen your alimony checks.

276
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,150
You already got one.

277
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,673
So, what's the deal?
Are we going?

278
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,950
- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.

279
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,630
- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.

280
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,234
Don't eat anything orange.

281
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,953
- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.

282
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,390
I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...

283
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,155
...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.

284
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,072
You were living here
for three weeks...

285
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,277
...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.

286
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,871
Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.

287
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,914
There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.

288
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,868
We're men, Alan. Single men.

289
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,958
We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.

290
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,951
Usually without so much toiletries...

291
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,590
...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.

292
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,076
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior...

293
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,800
...no matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.

294
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,679
- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...

295
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,599
...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...

296
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:10,993
...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?

297
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,759
You know what? You're right.

298
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,512
- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?

299
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,234
- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.

300
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,674
- Jake?
- Just a sec.

301
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,835
It's okay. It's mostly water.

302
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,917
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.

303
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,832
Nope. You're too sick.

304
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,797
Some other time.

305
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,315
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.

306
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,839
Hey, it's not your fault.

307
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,831
It's your dad who won't let you go.

308
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,840
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?

309
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,677
Here. Put this on Wake Forest.

310
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,830
Game's over, Jake. They lost.

311
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,919
- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.

312
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:05,714
Give me back my money.

313
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,553
Get some rest.

314
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,837
- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.

315
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,953
- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.

316
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,918
Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.

317
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,672
Well, he gets that from you.

318
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,154
You think so?

319
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,199
- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.

320
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,073
Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.

321
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,151
He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.

322
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,078
No, no, I couldn't go now.

323
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,555
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.

324
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,712
You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.

325
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,150
Probably? Unquestionably.

326
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,430
- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.

327
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,751
It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.

328
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,315
Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.

329
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,636
How inconvenient.

330
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,633
- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

331
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,672
Berta?

332
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,911
Surprise!

333
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,639
I'm gonna start the IV.

334
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,756
In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.

335
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,992
No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.

336
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,792
Don't worry, you will be.

337
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,474
- Right, doctor?
- Aye.

338
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,798
You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.

339
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,910
Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.

340
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,870
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.

341
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,911
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

342
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,071
[ENGLISH]



9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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