1 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,272 Here. This is for you. 2 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,518 Thank you. 3 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,429 And I didn't get you anything. 4 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,839 It's your kid's toilet seat. 5 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,560 It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,079 Oh, come on, Berta. 7 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,470 - He's 11. - He's a pig. 8 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,114 I'll talk to him. 9 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,271 While you're at it, you may wanna mention... 10 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,670 ...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest... 11 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,512 ...the dead marine life at the back of the closet... 12 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,875 ...and the booger collection under the bed. 13 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,996 I'll do my best to address your concerns. 14 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,152 Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean. 15 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,751 Excuse me. Is one of you Alan? 16 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,514 I'm Alan. 17 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,354 Oh, good. Charlie wants you to come upstairs. 18 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,713 - Why? - Well, it's kind of hard to explain. 19 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,519 - Try. - Oh, yeah, try. 20 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:02,753 Well, he's kind of stuck. 21 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,434 - In what? - In what? 22 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,833 Not in anything, just stuck. 23 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,316 Would you hurry? 24 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,431 - Where are you going? - Oh, like I'm gonna miss this? 25 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,310 Charlie? Are you okay? 26 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,631 Do I look okay? 27 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,430 - What happened? - I pulled my back. 28 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,592 I didn't do anything. I was lying there and he started screaming. 29 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,593 - I understand. - I mean, I wasn't just lying there. 30 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,832 - I got it. - Damn, I wish I had a camera. 31 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,833 That's okay. It's all on video. 32 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,552 Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something. 33 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,917 Really? You want my help? 34 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,799 Even after you referred to my profession as, what was it... 35 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,552 ..."urban voodoo"? 36 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,630 I'm sorry. Now help me. 37 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,711 Okay. Okay. We'll see what we can do. 38 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,710 Yeah, yeah, okay, very funny, very funny. 39 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,440 Hold on. Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster. 40 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,718 Check your kid's room. 41 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,238 Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're not feeling well, but I have an audition. 42 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,597 - Go. - It's a Wheat Thins commercial. 43 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,038 - I'm an actress. - Of course you are. 44 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,074 I had a nice time, Charlie. 45 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,238 - I'll call you. - Great. 46 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,391 Oh, if you find my tongue stud, let me know. 47 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,116 Okay, let's see what we've got here. 48 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,149 - Is this tender? - A little. 49 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,073 - On a scale of one to ten? - I don't know. Three? 50 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,198 - Okay, what about this? - Four. 51 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,590 And what about this? 52 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,670 I'm gonna need a number, Charlie. 53 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,350 No, no, I changed my mind. Leave me alone. 54 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,556 Oh, don't be a baby. 55 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,631 - Stay away. - I have to examine you. 56 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,995 - It's okay. I'm better. - No, you're not. 57 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,038 - Now, stop moving. - Really, I'm fine. Just don't... 58 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,515 Ten. Ten. That's a ten. 59 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,798 - Are you happy? - Do I look happy? 60 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,920 Let's get you back on the bed so I can give you an adjustment. 61 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,354 No, no, no, no. New plan. 62 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,397 I need someone who can give me drugs. 63 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,438 I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls. 64 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,238 Drugs just mask the problem. 65 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,597 Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. 66 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,591 I just want it to go away. 67 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,275 Good news. I think I know where Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud. 68 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,079 For the love of God. 69 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,192 Oh, mommy. 70 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,112 Feeling better? 71 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,153 No, I just passed out for a second. 72 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,031 Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie to the doctor. 73 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,430 - You keep an eye on Jake. - Fine. 74 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,238 Whoa, hey. 75 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,516 And please put his toilet seat back on. 76 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,230 I really think you should put on your seat belt. 77 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,596 Do you now? 78 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,629 Did you forget it took three of us just to put on my shorts? 79 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:31,315 Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming. 80 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,710 - What's his number? - I don't know. 81 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:38,476 All right, I'll call directory assistance. What's his name? Where's he located? 82 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,108 Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills. 83 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,874 - You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding? 84 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,198 Well, I need a first name. 85 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,269 I remember his receptionist's name. Julie. 86 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,000 Cute redhead with a slight speech impediment. 87 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,991 She called me "Charlie." 88 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,112 I almost asked her out once... 89 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,555 ...but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls. 90 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,508 "I love you, Charlie. Don't leave me." 91 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,715 Yeah, yeah, and your doctor's first name is? 92 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,473 Oh, I have no idea. 93 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,358 Idiot. 94 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,069 Yes, Beverly Hills, California. 95 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,276 Dr. Schwartz. 96 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,590 Yeah, I don't know the first name. 97 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,115 No, I'm not kidding. 98 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,512 There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes in Beverly Hills. 99 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,159 What street is he on? 100 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,072 Wilshire Boulevard, I think. 101 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,913 Wilshire Boulevard, we think. 102 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,074 Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes. 103 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,275 Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire. I'll know the building when I see it. 104 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,919 Never mind, we're gonna play... 105 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,071 ...Find the Jewish Doctor in Beverly Hills. 106 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,159 Wait, wait. There it is. 107 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,431 Now, you see, that wouldn't have happened... 108 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,750 ...if you'd been wearing your seat belt. 109 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,430 Alan, if I can ever use my legs again... 110 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,832 ...the first thing I'm gonna do is kick your ass into your throat. 111 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,710 That's not Julie. 112 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:26,068 - So? - It's just important to me that you know. 113 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,359 - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper. 114 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,034 - I need to see my doctor. - Do you have an appointment? 115 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,553 No, but this is an emergency. 116 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,280 He has to get back to Notre Dame and ring the bell. 117 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,509 Oh, I get it. He's hunched over. That's funny. 118 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,196 Yeah, can I see my doctor, please? 119 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,998 - Who's your doctor? - Dr. Schwartz. 120 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:48,957 - Stanley Schwartz? - Yes, Stanley. 121 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,429 - It's Stanley. - Thank you. 122 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,511 When was the last time you were here? 123 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,280 I don't know. A couple of years ago. Why? 124 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:01,037 - Dr. Schwartz passed away. - Oh, no. 125 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,679 So where's Julie? 126 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:04,999 Julie we had to let go. 127 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:09,392 She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad. 128 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,713 I'm guessing Valium. 129 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,031 Is there somebody else who can see him? 130 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,316 Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor, okay? 131 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,710 Dr. Talmadge took over Dr. Schwartz's practice. 132 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,519 It's a little tight right now, but I could squeeze you in. 133 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,190 That's kind of how this happened. 134 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,991 Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury. 135 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,076 Well, thank goodness you're okay. 136 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,273 This is really gross. Why do I have to do it? 137 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,351 - You want your toilet seat back? - Yes. 138 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,556 Then keep scrubbing. 139 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,075 You know, taking it wasn't funny. I could have broke my butt. 140 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,276 Oh, come on. How could that not be funny? 141 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,116 Don't forget to clean on the outside. That's all you. 142 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,796 - And the floor, and the wall. - Okay, okay. 143 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,110 How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway? 144 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,477 I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes. 145 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,393 After a day scrubbing toilets... 146 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,473 ...I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces. 147 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,391 Oh, God. 148 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,676 Oh, jeez. 149 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,114 Hey, guess what. 150 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,238 The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics. 151 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,230 My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it? 152 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,119 I offered to help you, Charlie, and you refused, so... 153 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,315 ...yeah. 154 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,877 I'll tell you, if you came to me as a patient in this much pain... 155 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,429 ...I wouldn't make you wait. I'd see you right away. 156 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,910 So would my dry cleaner, but I don't let him touch me either. 157 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,513 I could help you, Charlie. 158 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,069 I've already isolated the source of your discomfort. 159 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,629 All that's left would be to realign your vertebrae... 160 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,916 ...through a gentle series of manipulations and stretches... 161 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,593 ...thereby alleviating your pain. 162 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,840 Well, you didn't explain it like that. That's different. 163 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,639 - So you'll let me work on you? - Not in a million years. 164 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,431 Fine. Worship at the altar of the American Medical Association. 165 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,114 Swallow the pharmaceutical companies' propaganda. 166 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,716 I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it, I'll insert it rectally. 167 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,954 Anything to kill the pain. I'm dying here. 168 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,517 Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge. 169 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,069 Hello, doctor. 170 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,635 Hallelujah. It's a miracle. 171 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,552 So I see you're having some back pain. 172 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,514 That will be $ 100, please. 173 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,111 Yeah, it started in my back... 174 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:55,353 ...but now it's kind of radiating out into a body-wide unbearable agony. 175 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,318 You have a really cute little nose, you know that? 176 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,799 - Did the pain start in your lower back? - Best I can tell... 177 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,678 ...it's a spasm between L4 and L5. 178 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,035 - Oh, are you a doctor? - Yes, I'm a chiropractor. 179 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,077 So no. 180 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,759 How did this happen? 181 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,309 Well, I slipped. 182 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,511 On an actress. 183 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,317 I can handle this, Alan. 184 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,710 Okay, see, the thing is, I was in the middle of... 185 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,438 An actress. 186 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,599 I'm warning you. 187 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,877 - Do the details really matter? - No, no, I think I got the picture. 188 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,349 There's video if you need it. 189 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,434 Keep it up. 190 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,349 Okay, I see here your last visit was four years ago. 191 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,431 A mild hernia brought about by... 192 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,511 Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. 193 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,518 He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies. 194 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,875 Oh, so you're a pretend psychiatrist too. 195 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,431 So, what's the course of treatment here? 196 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,194 A pill, a shot? Maybe one of those epidurals? 197 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,079 First I'm going to get your blood pressure and take x-rays. 198 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,915 - I take blood pressure and x-rays. - Your mother must be very proud. 199 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,431 Actually, no. 200 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,717 Someone will be in to take you to x-ray. 201 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,711 Wait. I'm still in pain. 202 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,917 Try and hang in there. In the meantime... 203 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,355 ...maybe your little buddy can give you a massage. 204 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,029 - Can you believe her? - Yeah, she is something else. 205 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,919 Please don't tell me you're interested in that condescending... 206 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:24,593 ...arrogant excuse for a woman. 207 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,069 Pardon me, Alan, but that is a condescending... 208 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,800 ...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman. 209 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,111 She's just your typical obnoxious MD. 210 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,271 I'm a doctor. I have special license plates. 211 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,874 I can park wherever I want. 212 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,229 I know where I wanna park. 213 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,360 You're unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch? 214 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,759 A pause button? 215 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,354 No, just a little freckle. 216 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,034 You're always telling me I should date a better class of woman. 217 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,599 What's classier than a doctor? 218 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,309 Oh, please. Four years of med school, two years of internship... 219 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,234 ...a year of residency, and everybody thinks they're so special. 220 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,675 But I'll tell you something. A new day is dawning. 221 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,355 A day of reckoning. And it is spelled HMO. 222 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,432 No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs. 223 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,037 Just sky-high insurance premiums and low, slow, copay reimbursements. 224 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,158 Just like the rest of us. 225 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,473 I'll bet she knows a lot of secret anatomy stuff. 226 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,275 You know, places you touch and the top of your head flies off. 227 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,832 If you have sex with a doctor, there's a chance they'll split... 228 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,195 ...in the middle of the night for an emergency. 229 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,396 Well, that's just a price you'll have to pay. 230 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,074 No, no. That works for me. 231 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,715 Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower... 232 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,838 ...and the sink. - What took you so long? 233 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,992 I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over. 234 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,470 Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor. 235 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,596 Why? I didn't pee in here. 236 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,192 Okay, once, but it was in the sink. 237 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,790 The sink? How'd you manage that? 238 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,316 It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back... 239 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,198 ...and figure the angle. 240 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,556 So tell me about Dr. Talmadge. 241 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,553 - Is she seeing anybody? - Yes. 242 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,837 - Is it serious? - Dog bite. 243 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,630 - No, I mean... - Charlie, give it a rest. 244 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,153 What? 245 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,437 You're sitting here in pain because of a casual sexual encounter... 246 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,795 ...and now you're trying to drum up another one. 247 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,077 - Yeah, so? - Don't you get it? 248 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,958 Your entire life is about jumping... 249 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,918 ...from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next. 250 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,153 And? 251 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,115 You're a grown man. You can't go through life... 252 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,636 ...drinking and partying and humping anything that doesn't shake you off. 253 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,310 Yes, I can. 254 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,630 But sooner or later, it's gonna catch up to you. 255 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,756 Eventually, you will have to pay the piper. 256 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,876 - Who says? - Everybody says. 257 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,076 Really? Because I'm just hearing you. 258 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,751 If 2000 years of human history has taught us anything... 259 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,309 ...it's that there is karmic justice in the world... 260 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,755 ...and that when people live the way you do... 261 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,195 ...bad things happen to them to even things out. 262 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,237 Well, I don't agree. 263 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,438 It's not up for debate. 264 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,194 It's a law, like gravity. 265 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,271 Oh, I agree with gravity. 266 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,749 Good, we wouldn't want you flying off the planet... 267 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,672 ...with nothing to hump but satellites. 268 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,274 If it makes you feel better, something bad happened. 269 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,635 - I'm in excruciating pain. - That's not enough. 270 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,555 Trust me, Charlie. The piper has yet to be paid. 271 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,076 The only question is how high a tab you want before the bill comes due. 272 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,876 Okay. I get it. 273 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,112 Well, good. 274 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,637 So you think I have a shot with that doctor, or what? 275 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,277 It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar. 276 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,677 Who's Piper? 277 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,836 Oh, you poor, clueless bitch. Never trust a drifter with an eye patch. 278 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,712 - Berta. - What? 279 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,996 I'm tired, and my hands are all red and pruney. 280 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,037 I've seen your grades. Get used to it. 281 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,514 How do I know when I'm done? 282 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,716 Don't worry about that, honey, I'll tell you. 283 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,589 Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him. He's your brother. 284 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,310 - I have x-rays. - Oh, good. Let me see them. 285 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,232 Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor. 286 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,036 Hey, I'm a doctor. 287 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,156 Oh, yeah? Where you parked? 288 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,958 Alan, you gotta relax. 289 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,476 You're harboring the kind of resentment that eats away at your insides... 290 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,996 ...until you wake up one day peeing blood and crapping into a bag. 291 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,639 Thanks for the advice. 292 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,836 You know the difference between you and me? 293 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,319 I have a functioning liver... 294 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,550 ...and somehow, you're gonna get laid tonight. 295 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,676 That's ridiculous, Alan. She's an educated professional. 296 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,593 Probably gonna have to throw a few fancy meals at her first. 297 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,876 Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait a couple of weeks. 298 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,632 Couple of weeks? 299 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,431 Anyway, the difference between you and me... 300 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,273 ...is that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. 301 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,908 When you get lemons, you just bite into them... 302 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,196 ...and suck them inside out. 303 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,876 Okay. Let's see what we've got. 304 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,832 No fractures, no dislocations. 305 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,675 - Looks like just a simple muscle spasm. - Between L4 and L5? 306 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,229 Oh, good for you. 307 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,558 Okay, I am gonna give you a shot, which should ease the pain... 308 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,995 ...and also allow your muscles to relax. 309 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,718 Have you had Demerol before? 310 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,393 No, but I've heard nice things about it. 311 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,549 Okay, I'm just gonna pull your shorts down a little. 312 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,393 But Dr. Talmadge, I don't even know your first name. 313 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,915 - Michelle. - Michelle. 314 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,433 That's prettier than Stanley. 315 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,877 - Sorry. - That's okay. 316 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,999 It's all part of the little meet-cute thing we got going here. 317 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,793 So how long does it take before I start feeling... 318 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,637 ...happy. 319 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,833 Happy, happy, happy. Happy. 320 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,309 Michelle, did you know I have a house on the beach? 321 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,236 - Really? I love the beach. - Oh, good, because I have a house there. 322 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,151 Wait outside, I need to give your brother a hernia exam to make sure... 323 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,993 ...he hasn't reinjured the area. - A hernia exam. 324 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,878 - And your boxers. - Bye-bye, boxers. 325 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,551 I was wrong. There's no justice. 326 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,870 I thought there was justice, but there's not. 327 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,598 What, you think there's justice? 328 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,796 Because there's not. 329 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,634 Turn your head and cough. 330 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,994 - You have very warm hands. - Again. 331 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,469 You have very warm hands. 332 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,794 So any chance I could take you out for dinner tonight? 333 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,997 - You're hitting on me? - You started it. 334 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,879 - You're amazing. - Well, statistically... 335 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,873 ...I'm only slightly above average. 336 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,477 But I make up for it with enthusiasm and perseverance. 337 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,108 No, what's amazing is that you don't remember me. 338 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,838 Well, sure I remember you. 339 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,072 You're the pretty woman cupping my testicles from earlier. 340 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,755 Back when I was in medical school, you and I went out for a couple months. 341 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,911 You wanna loosen your grip there? 342 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,192 Then for reasons I never understood... 343 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,999 ...you stopped calling me, and started seeing my roommate. 344 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,316 The grip. 345 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,590 I always hoped I'd run into you again. 346 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,635 Please. Just leave me one. 347 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,034 Oh, dear God. 348 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,148 My brother's making lemonade. 349 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,352 I need to go to the bathroom. 350 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,238 So go. 351 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,958 Oh, yeah. 352 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,393 Good night. I'll see you tomorrow. 353 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,118 - Night. - Night. 354 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,192 So, are you gonna tell me what happened with you and the doctor? 355 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,634 What do you think happened? 356 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,797 I think she shot you full of drugs... 357 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,996 ...you dropped trou, she jumped your bones... 358 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,549 ...and you're the luckiest bastard to walk the earth. 359 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,913 Well, for your information... 360 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,435 ...that's exactly what happened. 361 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,475 Not even a little justice. 362 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,235 This is a justice-free zone. 363 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,958 Looking for justice? Sorry, fresh out. 364 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,754 Enjoy sucking on that lemon. 365 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,148 Nope, not yet. 366 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,511 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 367 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,671 [ENGLISH] 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net